July 28, 2025 • 29 mins
Send one way text to Rev Rachel
If you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or completely drained from trying to hold everything, and everyone together I get it, I was once there too. The truth is, constantly fixing, managing, and rescuing those around us doesn’t bring peace... it creates more suffering. In this episode, I share what I’ve learned on my own Soul Recovery path about how the compulsion to help and control stems from old patterns, and how letting go has been the greatest act of love—not just for myself, but for those I care about.
We dive into the deeper truth that your healing begins the moment you stop turning your energy outward and begin focusing inward. We explore what it means to detach with love, to let others walk their own journey, and to reclaim your energy for your own transformation.
Soul Recovery isn’t about abandoning others—it’s about releasing the illusion that their healing is your responsibility. It’s about becoming a compassionate presence without losing yourself.
You don’t have to fix everything. You don’t have to hold it all together. Come back to your center. Heal yourself. That is the most powerful gift you can offer the world.
Want to join the Recovery Your Soul community?
Join the FREE Soul Recovery Support Group the 1st Monday of every month from 6-7PM Mountain Time.
Join Rev Rachel for a weekend Retreat- the next one is in Asheville NC September 13-14, 2025
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Rev. Rachel Harrison and Recover Your Soul www.recoveryoursoul.net
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rev Rachel Harrison (00:00):
If you're anything like I was, you are
getting exhausted from trying tohold it all together, from
trying to help and fixeverything and everyone around
you.
Maybe you feel guilty.
If you pull back a little bit.
When you let go and detach, youthink it's all going to fall
apart.
I get it.
That's where I was before Istarted my soul recovery over
(00:20):
seven years ago.
I had my fingers in everyoneelse's business and I was
depleted.
I was exhausted and I was at alevel 10 anxiety all the time.
Learning how to let go oftrying to fix and change and
help and heal everyone around usis one of the greatest gifts
that we can give to ourselvesfirst of all.
(00:41):
And then it turns out that whenwe do that, we actually are
helping the people around us byletting go of trying to fix them
.
Putting the energy on your ownhealing in the end offers
everyone more opportunity tostand in their authentic, whole
selves and make the choices intheir own lives of who they are
(01:05):
and how they're going to be.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover your Soulpodcast a spiritual path to a
happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
(01:25):
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow.
(01:50):
Welcome to the Recovery Soulpodcasting community.
I'm Rev Rachel.
Thank you so much for choosingto spend your time with me today
.
I am always just so humbled andgrateful for us to be able to
come together and to work on oursoul recovery journeys, and
it's so interesting.
It's been over seven yearsseven and a half years since I
(02:10):
got sober from drinking andmostly since I got sober from my
intense control addiction andtrying to save and help my
family, and I have come a longway.
I have come a long, long way,but there are still these seeds
(02:31):
of desire to fix and controlthat are so deep within me and I
love that.
When I was in the retreat thisweekend with amazing, beautiful
people who came to do their soulrecovery with me here in
Colorado, you're sitting down inthis circle of people and I do
(02:53):
small retreats because they'rejust so oh my gosh, they're just
such beautiful communities.
So we, we sit down and we allshare together for the whole
weekend and we do this intense,deep dive into our hearts, into
our souls.
And you know what?
The foundational key thing isthat we're all sitting around
the circle talking about thejust compulsion that we have to
(03:13):
try to fix the people around us,to try to control the
situations around us so that wecan be safe, or to try to make
people be better or to try tofix it so that they won't be in
pain.
The number of parents, moms thatI had in that group that are
really, really in toughsituations with their kids,
(03:34):
people whose spouses arechoosing to do things that are
dangerous, driving whileintoxicated, thriving while
intoxicated all this stuff thatis real life world situations
that we're in, real complex lifestuff and we are in there, and
(03:54):
the suffering that we end upfeeling because we're spending
all of our time and attention ontrying to fix and control and
change and help and heal andmake people see the light and
make them not be upset or angryor addicted or whatever it is.
Whatever it is, and how muchenergy that took, and I was so
(04:19):
grateful to be in that situation, to be able to help lead them
through the nine-step soulrecovery process, but it really
brought me back into my ownmemories of what it was like for
me seven years ago.
And I think what's sointeresting is time is
(04:41):
interesting.
First of all.
Seven years doesn't seem thatlong and yet it's a really long
time, right?
So I'm 55.
So it's a pretty good portionof my life.
Every year we're changing andgrowing so much and on some
level I'm so grateful that I amjust really an entirely
different place and how Iinteract with my husband and my
kids and my family than I wasthose years ago where I'd be
(05:03):
elbowing Rich, I just would beelbowing him in the ribs.
When we sat at AA meetings Foryears I elbowed him at church
that I was just at church and Iwas listening to the minister
talk and he would just be sayingthese profound, beautiful,
amazing things and I spent thewhole time not looking at them,
(05:26):
about what they meant for me,not taking it in as if it was
information that I could use orthat I could process or that I
could heal.
I was so consumed with tryingto fix Rich and make him not
have some of these behaviorsthat were painful and hard for
me and the kids, that I justwould elbow him every time or
(05:47):
give him that little look youknow that, look like, oh, did
you hear that?
And he would just scowl at meand he didn't want to go to
church with me because I wasover there judging him and
trying to fix him and controlhim and make it be different for
him.
And eventually, over time Iremember him it was an AA
(06:09):
meeting and I gave him the elbowand he just looked at me and he
said you've got to stop it.
And I was defensive.
Of course I was.
I was reactive.
Of course I was.
I was unable at those momentsto see that, even though it was
well-intentioned, even thoughthat would absolutely make sense
(06:32):
for him to look at those thingsand make some changes and
choices for himself that wouldbetter him, I was missing the
whole point.
The whole point is that isn'tfor him, it's for me and I think
that's the power of what'shappened in my life from soul
recovery, that sometimes Irecognize now that my life is so
(06:54):
completely different that itcan be hard for me to maybe talk
about or bring in the storiesthat will help you or where you
are, or bring in the storiesthat will help you or where you
are, and so I really want tolean in a little bit more into
those places and allow us toreally reconnect, because I am
(07:17):
hearing from you, and being inthis retreat was the reminder.
We are boots in the groundright now with a lot of really
complex situations and familysituations, and I'm in it too.
I'm totally in it too, and I'lltalk about sort of what's going
on in my life right now.
But it's interesting because Ihave been doing this process now
(07:38):
for over seven years.
I'm not affected by it as much.
I'm not sick to my stomach likeI used to be, I'm not waking up
at three o'clock in the morningand completely obsessing about
situations.
I have more peace in my heart,and that's what I want to be
able to offer to you.
But I'm not rubbing my elbowinto your ribs and saying, are
(08:01):
you getting this, are yougetting this?
Because it's not like thatanymore, and it's not like that
anymore for Rich either.
It's very interesting howsomething in me changed, and
this happens in the retreats andin the workshops as well.
When we first get started.
We can't help but say they,they, they, they, they, they're
doing this, they're doing this.
(08:22):
This is the situation in mylife, this is what my daughter's
doing, this is what myhusband's doing, and by the end
of the workshop we're nottalking about the them anymore
at all.
We're talking about ourselves.
We're healing ourselves, we'reworking on our own spiritual
journey.
But it takes a minute to getoff of their stuff the control,
(08:42):
the fix, the helping them, thefix, the helping them.
And I think that this is thepart where, when we can really
really start to see with claritythat it is not helping anyone,
when we are all in somebodyelse's business about what they
(09:03):
should do, who they should be,what they should be doing.
If they would only do this, ifthey would only do that, we can
have all kinds of great advice,we can have great insights, we
can be fully formed in ourauthentic whole self.
But if those people are notasking for, but if those people
(09:30):
are not asking for wanting,ready for and a place to hear it
, you are just pushing youragenda on somebody else.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
about the nine step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on zoom, where we learn
(09:50):
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the nine
step soul recovery process, I'mhere for you, but you can also
choose to work the steps on yourown, with individual modules
intended to support you to workat your own pace and on your own
time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
(10:13):
podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people,
sharing soul recovery tips forus and also do spiritual book
studies.
You can also find dailyinspiration on Facebook and
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode, and thispart of turning the attention to
(10:38):
ourselves is the foundation ofthe soul recovery process, which
is there will be positivechange in your life when you do
this work on yourself, becauseit can't help but reflect out to
the others, but you're notdoing it to change them.
You're doing it to heal you.
(11:00):
You're doing it to heal you.
So I live in a world now that'stotally different, and this is
another place that I haveawareness.
My kids have flown the nest.
They live in California.
They're self-supporting throughtheir own contributions.
They're doing their own thing,and this is by design.
This is by design Because itbecame very clear that in my
(11:24):
codependent, addicted mind, itbecame very clear that in my
codependent, addicted mind, thepart of me that is in such hyper
vigilance of trying to help andfix and control and make
everybody better, having us bein different states is allowing
us each to really thrive andgrow and expand in our own lives
.
And the incredible healing andchanges that have happened in
(11:47):
our relationship over the lastseven and a half years the last
five in particular, because theymoved to California in 2020,
are so huge.
And my boys have grown up andbecome men and they are still my
children, but they're not mychildren anymore.
They're not under my care.
(12:08):
I did an interview with JimFortin last couple weeks ago.
It's on the Bonus Podcast and Idid a reel.
I pulled a reel out of theinterview.
That's on the social media,where he's talking about.
You don't own your kids.
They are their own sentientbeings.
They're having their ownexperience, and the more that we
allow them to have their ownexperience, the more that you
(12:32):
are giving them the ability tobe in.
Whatever choices that they make, they have to live the
consequences for the choicesthat they make.
Those consequences are painfulto watch or joyous to watch.
Is our experience to have.
It's really the learning thatwe get to do, to be in our own
(12:54):
heart, to really watch thosesituations, and the last year in
particular, with Alex and hisgirlfriend having a baby and now
little Rocky's coming up onfive months old and we're going
to be leaving here for thisweekend.
We're going to go meet withthem in Los Angeles and do a
family day at Disneyland.
(13:14):
I've had to continue to work onthis.
I am not here to fix them.
I'm not here to control it.
I'm not here to make it beeasier for them.
I can love them, I can bepresent for them, and one of the
things that Jim Fortin talkedabout is something that I've
been suggesting and sharing withyou this whole time too, which
is if you have a relationshipwith your family members, your
(13:39):
friends, your kids, whatever itis, and you can actually have
more clarity to say I care aboutyou.
I want to be here for you 100%.
I am not going to be in yourbusiness in the way that we've
been for a long time, but I wantto be able to witness, watch,
support, show me how that wouldbe best for you, and people
(14:02):
generally will tell you.
Now what I think is reallyinteresting and I'm going to be
totally transparent in how Ireceive things.
If anyone tells me what to do,I will reject it 100%, 100%.
And it's interesting.
It's like is it because I'm anonly child?
Is it because I was raised witha single mother who's very
(14:23):
independent?
I have a stubbornness that isso intense that even if I'm
working with my chat GPT onstrategies or things like that
and I have them give me astrategy that rubs up against me
a little bit I become abrasivebecause I don't want anybody to
(14:43):
tell me what to do and I'mthinking to myself.
I actually asked this programto tell me what to do, and then
I don't like it telling me whatto do, and here I was elbowing
my husband, telling him to payattention to this because he
needs to do something different.
And then I wonder why he wasresentful to me.
I wonder why he was distantfrom me.
(15:04):
I wonder why he didn't feelsafe with me.
Well, that's why.
Because I thought in my mindI'm giving you great insight
right now, but to him, all hecan hear is not enough, not good
enough, not enough, not goodenough, not enough, not good
enough.
And as we got healthier andbetter, that's exactly what he
(15:26):
said, he felt.
And I have this in all of myrelationships.
I am this person who cares somuch about everybody in my life.
I love people in a way that Iaccept people.
I love people.
I want the best for them onsome level.
(15:48):
Now that I look back on it andhave more languaging and more
tools from soul recovery, I'vealways been a fairly
non-judgmental person.
I've just always wanted to be ahelper.
You know why?
Because I am a peacemaker, I ama helper.
I'm here helping you right now.
But if I'm telling you what todo, you can't hear me.
If I share my stories and Ishare with you what happened for
(16:10):
me and I'm lovingly, openlygiving you suggestions, you're
going to hear me and you maylisten to some of these episodes
and I always say take what youneed and leave the rest.
You may be not taking a bunchof it.
You may not listen to thisepisode, a next episode after
you listen to this one, becauseit doesn't resonate with you.
Something hits you in a waythat you don't.
(16:31):
It doesn't feel right to you.
This is the piece that's sofascinating about the part of us
that thinks that we personallyhave the answer, the right thing
, for the people in our lives,instead of recognizing that we
need to take that attention toourselves and to expend that
(16:51):
level of energy, all of thatenergy on getting more
understanding and clarity aboutwho we are and how we're showing
up in our life and how we canbe of support to the people
around us.
I was thinking I did an episodeabout this, but for some reason
it's coming up again about oneof my best friends and when we
were in our back to drinkingparty phase and struggling in
(17:17):
our marriages and then I gotsober and she was struggling in
her marriage and as she wasworking on that, she had to
really back away from me becausemy over telling her what to do
didn't feel good to her.
She just backed off and backedoff, and backed off and I went
in deeper and deeper and deeper.
(17:38):
I can remember feeling likethis, like the ground is coming
out from underneath me, and Iwanted to help, I wanted to make
it be better for her.
But later on she had theability to finally tell me like
you can be way too bossy, and Ijust need to figure it out for
myself.
And as our friendship hasreestablished and gotten even
(18:00):
stronger, there's actually moredepth in our ability to be
present for each other, becauseno one's trying to fix the other
person, but when we want advice, we ask for it and then you
want to do what that otherperson is offering.
And being a great compassionatelistener is sometimes the
(18:23):
greatest gift that you can giveto somebody.
Your energy, your holding spacefor somebody who is making
maybe difficult choicessometimes is the greatest gift
that they can have to havepermission to potentially fail,
(18:49):
to do well or to fail.
This weekend we're going to LosAngeles because I was trying to
figure out how to see Alex andhis girlfriend and Rocky in June
or July and they both were justlike we're so busy, we've got
all this and this and this andthis, and we're going to go to
LA for her for her grandmother'sparty, and I was like, great,
we can meet you in LA, becausewe wanted to take them to
Disneyland last year for herbirthday because she turned 30
(19:11):
last year and that didn't workout and so we're kind of doing a
Disneyland for the family thinga year later because she just
celebrated her birthday again.
And then ultimately, rich and Ihaven't seen Rich's dad for
years because there'sestrangement in his side of the
family and when we get to LA,when we're usually driving
(19:33):
through town to other things,we'll meet him for lunch or
dinner or something along theway.
And it's been a long time sincethat happened.
And I found myself going intothe fix it make it perfect for
everyone, make sure that all theplans were perfect and I
watched myself get all scrambled.
(19:54):
And there was one day inparticular and I can't remember
if I mentioned this in anotherepisode one day in particular
where I was trying to figure outwhat hotel to book and how to
please everybody and how to makeit all work out, and I called a
friend of mine who's a majorDisney lover out and I called a
friend of mine who's a majorDisney lover and he was giving
me his advice and I was askingfor his advice.
(20:16):
He didn't say here's what Ithink you should do, rachel.
I said, please help me, becauseI am.
I'm spun out.
And he had fabulous advice.
Don't try to do too many things.
Stay at a hotel right next toDisney.
Let them get their own hotel.
You know, for the last nightyou don't have to be in charge
of the whole weekend foreverybody.
Here's what I suggest you do,so that you can have the easiest
(20:39):
access to the park, especiallywith a little baby, and then you
can come back and take a nap.
And I was so open to thisadvice and I remember thinking
afterwards like thank God Italked to somebody who knows how
to help and I immediatelybooked the hotel that he
suggested.
I let go of all of this energythat I was holding about trying
(21:03):
to make it be the perfectweekend for everybody when there
were things coming into theweekend and out of the weekend
that weren't even where I wasgoing to be present.
I was trying to fix it andcontrol it and make it really
good for Alex's girlfriend andthe baby and for Bodie, who's
flying in and listen, thesepeople are adults.
(21:23):
These people are adults.
All I have to do is get myselffrom the airport to the hotel,
meet them at the hotel, pay forand have a great day at
Disneyland, leave the hotel, gohave lunch with Rich's dad and
go to the airport.
That's all I have to care about.
And this freedom that comeswhen you realize you do not have
(21:47):
to take care of every singlething.
I am not there to fix and makesure that the rest of their
weekend goes smoothly, whoeverthey hang out with, whatever
those parties are Wow, so muchenergy had been spent on trying
to control and take care of andmanage everybody else's business
.
And the more that I do this work, the more I realize it is no
(22:10):
wonder that I was at a level 10anxiety all the time, that I was
on antidepressants, that I wasdrinking, that I was unable to
focus or manage because I was soobsessed with trying to fix and
take care of everybody.
And that's where the soulrecovery process comes in.
There's reasons why this wasthe mechanism and the operating
(22:34):
system in which I worked.
I was rewarded for being a goodtaker care of everything.
I was rewarded as a child forbeing independent.
I was rewarded for being theone that you could ask questions
and knew what it was.
There's an element of my beliefsystems that said it was my job
to make sure everyone was okayand that everything's perfect
(22:55):
and to hold it all together.
And now that I've used the ninestep soul recovery process over
the last seven years to deepenmy awareness that this is about
me, that when I'm hearingsomething really impactful and
really powerful, my firstthought is not who can I send
(23:18):
this to, that this will help?
That is even my first thought,and generally it was Rich or the
kids or my friends.
It is not that anymore.
As a matter of fact, it's kindof interesting.
Later on I'll be talking tosomebody and they'll say, oh
well, send that to me and I amtaking it in for myself.
It's actually gotten to a placewith Recover your Soul and this
(23:43):
business that is growing andexpanding.
I have to remember that it's abusiness.
Remember that it's a business.
I have to remember that thiscommunity is supposed to have a
flow to it that has other thingsinvolved, because sometimes I
just get into the world where myjournaling, my listening to
(24:05):
music, my lighting incense andcandles and releasing all of the
old systems and the pain that Iused to feel is my favorite
part of the day.
And then doing coaching oh mygosh, the work that I do with
people in coaching and recordingthese podcasts it's my favorite
(24:25):
thing.
And then I got to go do thebusiness part, and that part is
always like, oh oh, that's right, and you gotta, you know, do
the chores.
What I want you to get out ofthis is the reminder that when
you are obsessed with the needto fix others, it means you're
not putting the attention onyour own awarenesses, on your
(24:48):
own healing, on your ownwellbeing, and that is the
number one way that you're goingto heal and help and restore
your relationships.
It's the number one way.
And as I leave on the airplanehere in a couple days and I go
to Disneyland, you're going toactually hear this after I'm
back, so I'll do an episode nextweek about how it goes.
(25:10):
You know what I'm envisioning.
I'm not envisioning how I'mgoing to make sure that
everybody's trip is great.
I'm envisioning us inDisneyland having a great time.
We're going to have the baby.
I learned how to do the linesso that we could all be in the
line together and then exchangeriders.
I got a lot of great tips frommy friend who's such a Disney
(25:31):
expert.
I'm not going to control, I'mgoing to allow, I'm going to
enjoy, I'm going to be fullypresent and I'm just going to
let it be whatever it is and nottry to control it and make it
be anything in particular.
And then I'm going to go tolunch and then I'm going to get
on the airplane and I'm justgoing to be in my body and I'm
(25:53):
going to let whatever feelingsfeel and I'm going to just let
everybody be who they are.
And that is an entirelydifferent person than was the
one who was hypervigilant aboutmaking sure that everybody was
okay and everything's good.
I'll report back if I'msuccessful or not.
(26:14):
We do not have to fix everything.
We do not have to take care ofeveryone's emotions.
They are responsible for theirown well-being.
They are responsible for theirown regulation.
When you take care of you, whenyou hold your own space, when
you are a listener and whenpeople can give you information
(26:37):
about what they need from youand you stay within those lines
and hold those boundaries foryourself and listen to their
boundaries, the energy shifts inthe relationships and it
becomes easier to have clarityabout what is yours to do and
what isn't.
We don't have to fix everything.
(26:57):
Take all this great wisdom foryourself.
Heal yourself.
It's the greatest gift that youcan give.
Until next time.
Namaste, thank you for listeningand I hope that that helps
support your soul recoveryprocess.
Namaste, or book study, thatcomes with being part of that
(27:18):
community, but your subscribinghelps support this podcast and
the Recover your Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
(27:39):
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet or check out
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars, and the reviews that are
(27:59):
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together, we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
If you're anything like I was, you are
getting exhausted from trying tohold it all together, from
trying to help and fixeverything and everyone around
you.
Maybe you feel guilty.
If you pull back a little bit.
When you let go and detach, youthink it's all going to fall
apart.
I get it.
That's where I was before Istarted my soul recovery over
(00:20):
seven years ago.
I had my fingers in everyoneelse's business and I was
depleted.
I was exhausted and I was at alevel 10 anxiety all the time.
Learning how to let go oftrying to fix and change and
help and heal everyone around usis one of the greatest gifts
that we can give to ourselvesfirst of all.
(00:41):
And then it turns out that whenwe do that, we actually are
helping the people around us byletting go of trying to fix them
.
Putting the energy on your ownhealing in the end offers
everyone more opportunity tostand in their authentic, whole
selves and make the choices intheir own lives of who they are
(01:05):
and how they're going to be.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover your Soulpodcast a spiritual path to a
happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
(01:25):
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow.
(01:50):
Welcome to the Recovery Soulpodcasting community.
I'm Rev Rachel.
Thank you so much for choosingto spend your time with me today
.
I am always just so humbled andgrateful for us to be able to
come together and to work on oursoul recovery journeys, and
it's so interesting.
It's been over seven yearsseven and a half years since I
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got sober from drinking andmostly since I got sober from my
intense control addiction andtrying to save and help my
family, and I have come a longway.
I have come a long, long way,but there are still these seeds
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of desire to fix and controlthat are so deep within me and I
love that.
When I was in the retreat thisweekend with amazing, beautiful
people who came to do their soulrecovery with me here in
Colorado, you're sitting down inthis circle of people and I do
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small retreats because they'rejust so oh my gosh, they're just
such beautiful communities.
So we, we sit down and we allshare together for the whole
weekend and we do this intense,deep dive into our hearts, into
our souls.
And you know what?
The foundational key thing isthat we're all sitting around
the circle talking about thejust compulsion that we have to
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try to fix the people around us,to try to control the
situations around us so that wecan be safe, or to try to make
people be better or to try tofix it so that they won't be in
pain.
The number of parents, moms thatI had in that group that are
really, really in toughsituations with their kids,
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people whose spouses arechoosing to do things that are
dangerous, driving whileintoxicated, thriving while
intoxicated all this stuff thatis real life world situations
that we're in, real complex lifestuff and we are in there, and
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the suffering that we end upfeeling because we're spending
all of our time and attention ontrying to fix and control and
change and help and heal andmake people see the light and
make them not be upset or angryor addicted or whatever it is.
Whatever it is, and how muchenergy that took, and I was so
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grateful to be in that situation, to be able to help lead them
through the nine-step soulrecovery process, but it really
brought me back into my ownmemories of what it was like for
me seven years ago.
And I think what's sointeresting is time is
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interesting.
First of all.
Seven years doesn't seem thatlong and yet it's a really long
time, right?
So I'm 55.
So it's a pretty good portionof my life.
Every year we're changing andgrowing so much and on some
level I'm so grateful that I amjust really an entirely
different place and how Iinteract with my husband and my
kids and my family than I wasthose years ago where I'd be
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elbowing Rich, I just would beelbowing him in the ribs.
When we sat at AA meetings Foryears I elbowed him at church
that I was just at church and Iwas listening to the minister
talk and he would just be sayingthese profound, beautiful,
amazing things and I spent thewhole time not looking at them,
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about what they meant for me,not taking it in as if it was
information that I could use orthat I could process or that I
could heal.
I was so consumed with tryingto fix Rich and make him not
have some of these behaviorsthat were painful and hard for
me and the kids, that I justwould elbow him every time or
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give him that little look youknow that, look like, oh, did
you hear that?
And he would just scowl at meand he didn't want to go to
church with me because I wasover there judging him and
trying to fix him and controlhim and make it be different for
him.
And eventually, over time Iremember him it was an AA
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meeting and I gave him the elbowand he just looked at me and he
said you've got to stop it.
And I was defensive.
Of course I was.
I was reactive.
Of course I was.
I was unable at those momentsto see that, even though it was
well-intentioned, even thoughthat would absolutely make sense
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for him to look at those thingsand make some changes and
choices for himself that wouldbetter him, I was missing the
whole point.
The whole point is that isn'tfor him, it's for me and I think
that's the power of what'shappened in my life from soul
recovery, that sometimes Irecognize now that my life is so
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completely different that itcan be hard for me to maybe talk
about or bring in the storiesthat will help you or where you
are, or bring in the storiesthat will help you or where you
are, and so I really want tolean in a little bit more into
those places and allow us toreally reconnect, because I am
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hearing from you, and being inthis retreat was the reminder.
We are boots in the groundright now with a lot of really
complex situations and familysituations, and I'm in it too.
I'm totally in it too, and I'lltalk about sort of what's going
on in my life right now.
But it's interesting because Ihave been doing this process now
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for over seven years.
I'm not affected by it as much.
I'm not sick to my stomach likeI used to be, I'm not waking up
at three o'clock in the morningand completely obsessing about
situations.
I have more peace in my heart,and that's what I want to be
able to offer to you.
But I'm not rubbing my elbowinto your ribs and saying, are
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you getting this, are yougetting this?
Because it's not like thatanymore, and it's not like that
anymore for Rich either.
It's very interesting howsomething in me changed, and
this happens in the retreats andin the workshops as well.
When we first get started.
We can't help but say they,they, they, they, they, they're
doing this, they're doing this.
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This is the situation in mylife, this is what my daughter's
doing, this is what myhusband's doing, and by the end
of the workshop we're nottalking about the them anymore
at all.
We're talking about ourselves.
We're healing ourselves, we'reworking on our own spiritual
journey.
But it takes a minute to getoff of their stuff the control,
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the fix, the helping them, thefix, the helping them.
And I think that this is thepart where, when we can really
really start to see with claritythat it is not helping anyone,
when we are all in somebodyelse's business about what they
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should do, who they should be,what they should be doing.
If they would only do this, ifthey would only do that, we can
have all kinds of great advice,we can have great insights, we
can be fully formed in ourauthentic whole self.
But if those people are notasking for, but if those people
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are not asking for wanting,ready for and a place to hear it
, you are just pushing youragenda on somebody else.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
about the nine step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on zoom, where we learn
(09:50):
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the nine
step soul recovery process, I'mhere for you, but you can also
choose to work the steps on yourown, with individual modules
intended to support you to workat your own pace and on your own
time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
(10:13):
podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people,
sharing soul recovery tips forus and also do spiritual book
studies.
You can also find dailyinspiration on Facebook and
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode, and thispart of turning the attention to
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ourselves is the foundation ofthe soul recovery process, which
is there will be positivechange in your life when you do
this work on yourself, becauseit can't help but reflect out to
the others, but you're notdoing it to change them.
You're doing it to heal you.
(11:00):
You're doing it to heal you.
So I live in a world now that'stotally different, and this is
another place that I haveawareness.
My kids have flown the nest.
They live in California.
They're self-supporting throughtheir own contributions.
They're doing their own thing,and this is by design.
This is by design Because itbecame very clear that in my
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codependent, addicted mind, itbecame very clear that in my
codependent, addicted mind, thepart of me that is in such hyper
vigilance of trying to help andfix and control and make
everybody better, having us bein different states is allowing
us each to really thrive andgrow and expand in our own lives
.
And the incredible healing andchanges that have happened in
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our relationship over the lastseven and a half years the last
five in particular, because theymoved to California in 2020,
are so huge.
And my boys have grown up andbecome men and they are still my
children, but they're not mychildren anymore.
They're not under my care.
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I did an interview with JimFortin last couple weeks ago.
It's on the Bonus Podcast and Idid a reel.
I pulled a reel out of theinterview.
That's on the social media,where he's talking about.
You don't own your kids.
They are their own sentientbeings.
They're having their ownexperience, and the more that we
allow them to have their ownexperience, the more that you
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are giving them the ability tobe in.
Whatever choices that they make, they have to live the
consequences for the choicesthat they make.
Those consequences are painfulto watch or joyous to watch.
Is our experience to have.
It's really the learning thatwe get to do, to be in our own
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heart, to really watch thosesituations, and the last year in
particular, with Alex and hisgirlfriend having a baby and now
little Rocky's coming up onfive months old and we're going
to be leaving here for thisweekend.
We're going to go meet withthem in Los Angeles and do a
family day at Disneyland.
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I've had to continue to work onthis.
I am not here to fix them.
I'm not here to control it.
I'm not here to make it beeasier for them.
I can love them, I can bepresent for them, and one of the
things that Jim Fortin talkedabout is something that I've
been suggesting and sharing withyou this whole time too, which
is if you have a relationshipwith your family members, your
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friends, your kids, whatever itis, and you can actually have
more clarity to say I care aboutyou.
I want to be here for you 100%.
I am not going to be in yourbusiness in the way that we've
been for a long time, but I wantto be able to witness, watch,
support, show me how that wouldbe best for you, and people
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generally will tell you.
Now what I think is reallyinteresting and I'm going to be
totally transparent in how Ireceive things.
If anyone tells me what to do,I will reject it 100%, 100%.
And it's interesting.
It's like is it because I'm anonly child?
Is it because I was raised witha single mother who's very
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independent?
I have a stubbornness that isso intense that even if I'm
working with my chat GPT onstrategies or things like that
and I have them give me astrategy that rubs up against me
a little bit I become abrasivebecause I don't want anybody to
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tell me what to do and I'mthinking to myself.
I actually asked this programto tell me what to do, and then
I don't like it telling me whatto do, and here I was elbowing
my husband, telling him to payattention to this because he
needs to do something different.
And then I wonder why he wasresentful to me.
I wonder why he was distantfrom me.
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I wonder why he didn't feelsafe with me.
Well, that's why.
Because I thought in my mindI'm giving you great insight
right now, but to him, all hecan hear is not enough, not good
enough, not enough, not goodenough, not enough, not good
enough.
And as we got healthier andbetter, that's exactly what he
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said, he felt.
And I have this in all of myrelationships.
I am this person who cares somuch about everybody in my life.
I love people in a way that Iaccept people.
I love people.
I want the best for them onsome level.
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Now that I look back on it andhave more languaging and more
tools from soul recovery, I'vealways been a fairly
non-judgmental person.
I've just always wanted to be ahelper.
You know why?
Because I am a peacemaker, I ama helper.
I'm here helping you right now.
But if I'm telling you what todo, you can't hear me.
If I share my stories and Ishare with you what happened for
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me and I'm lovingly, openlygiving you suggestions, you're
going to hear me and you maylisten to some of these episodes
and I always say take what youneed and leave the rest.
You may be not taking a bunchof it.
You may not listen to thisepisode, a next episode after
you listen to this one, becauseit doesn't resonate with you.
Something hits you in a waythat you don't.
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It doesn't feel right to you.
This is the piece that's sofascinating about the part of us
that thinks that we personallyhave the answer, the right thing
, for the people in our lives,instead of recognizing that we
need to take that attention toourselves and to expend that
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level of energy, all of thatenergy on getting more
understanding and clarity aboutwho we are and how we're showing
up in our life and how we canbe of support to the people
around us.
I was thinking I did an episodeabout this, but for some reason
it's coming up again about oneof my best friends and when we
were in our back to drinkingparty phase and struggling in
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our marriages and then I gotsober and she was struggling in
her marriage and as she wasworking on that, she had to
really back away from me becausemy over telling her what to do
didn't feel good to her.
She just backed off and backedoff, and backed off and I went
in deeper and deeper and deeper.
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I can remember feeling likethis, like the ground is coming
out from underneath me, and Iwanted to help, I wanted to make
it be better for her.
But later on she had theability to finally tell me like
you can be way too bossy, and Ijust need to figure it out for
myself.
And as our friendship hasreestablished and gotten even
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stronger, there's actually moredepth in our ability to be
present for each other, becauseno one's trying to fix the other
person, but when we want advice, we ask for it and then you
want to do what that otherperson is offering.
And being a great compassionatelistener is sometimes the
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greatest gift that you can giveto somebody.
Your energy, your holding spacefor somebody who is making
maybe difficult choicessometimes is the greatest gift
that they can have to havepermission to potentially fail,
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to do well or to fail.
This weekend we're going to LosAngeles because I was trying to
figure out how to see Alex andhis girlfriend and Rocky in June
or July and they both were justlike we're so busy, we've got
all this and this and this andthis, and we're going to go to
LA for her for her grandmother'sparty, and I was like, great,
we can meet you in LA, becausewe wanted to take them to
Disneyland last year for herbirthday because she turned 30
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last year and that didn't workout and so we're kind of doing a
Disneyland for the family thinga year later because she just
celebrated her birthday again.
And then ultimately, rich and Ihaven't seen Rich's dad for
years because there'sestrangement in his side of the
family and when we get to LA,when we're usually driving
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through town to other things,we'll meet him for lunch or
dinner or something along theway.
And it's been a long time sincethat happened.
And I found myself going intothe fix it make it perfect for
everyone, make sure that all theplans were perfect and I
watched myself get all scrambled.
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And there was one day inparticular and I can't remember
if I mentioned this in anotherepisode one day in particular
where I was trying to figure outwhat hotel to book and how to
please everybody and how to makeit all work out, and I called a
friend of mine who's a majorDisney lover out and I called a
friend of mine who's a majorDisney lover and he was giving
me his advice and I was askingfor his advice.
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He didn't say here's what Ithink you should do, rachel.
I said, please help me, becauseI am.
I'm spun out.
And he had fabulous advice.
Don't try to do too many things.
Stay at a hotel right next toDisney.
Let them get their own hotel.
You know, for the last nightyou don't have to be in charge
of the whole weekend foreverybody.
Here's what I suggest you do,so that you can have the easiest
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access to the park, especiallywith a little baby, and then you
can come back and take a nap.
And I was so open to thisadvice and I remember thinking
afterwards like thank God Italked to somebody who knows how
to help and I immediatelybooked the hotel that he
suggested.
I let go of all of this energythat I was holding about trying
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to make it be the perfectweekend for everybody when there
were things coming into theweekend and out of the weekend
that weren't even where I wasgoing to be present.
I was trying to fix it andcontrol it and make it really
good for Alex's girlfriend andthe baby and for Bodie, who's
flying in and listen, thesepeople are adults.
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These people are adults.
All I have to do is get myselffrom the airport to the hotel,
meet them at the hotel, pay forand have a great day at
Disneyland, leave the hotel, gohave lunch with Rich's dad and
go to the airport.
That's all I have to care about.
And this freedom that comeswhen you realize you do not have
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to take care of every singlething.
I am not there to fix and makesure that the rest of their
weekend goes smoothly, whoeverthey hang out with, whatever
those parties are Wow, so muchenergy had been spent on trying
to control and take care of andmanage everybody else's business
.
And the more that I do this work, the more I realize it is no
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wonder that I was at a level 10anxiety all the time, that I was
on antidepressants, that I wasdrinking, that I was unable to
focus or manage because I was soobsessed with trying to fix and
take care of everybody.
And that's where the soulrecovery process comes in.
There's reasons why this wasthe mechanism and the operating
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system in which I worked.
I was rewarded for being a goodtaker care of everything.
I was rewarded as a child forbeing independent.
I was rewarded for being theone that you could ask questions
and knew what it was.
There's an element of my beliefsystems that said it was my job
to make sure everyone was okayand that everything's perfect
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and to hold it all together.
And now that I've used the ninestep soul recovery process over
the last seven years to deepenmy awareness that this is about
me, that when I'm hearingsomething really impactful and
really powerful, my firstthought is not who can I send
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this to, that this will help?
That is even my first thought,and generally it was Rich or the
kids or my friends.
It is not that anymore.
As a matter of fact, it's kindof interesting.
Later on I'll be talking tosomebody and they'll say, oh
well, send that to me and I amtaking it in for myself.
It's actually gotten to a placewith Recover your Soul and this
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business that is growing andexpanding.
I have to remember that it's abusiness.
Remember that it's a business.
I have to remember that thiscommunity is supposed to have a
flow to it that has other thingsinvolved, because sometimes I
just get into the world where myjournaling, my listening to
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music, my lighting incense andcandles and releasing all of the
old systems and the pain that Iused to feel is my favorite
part of the day.
And then doing coaching oh mygosh, the work that I do with
people in coaching and recordingthese podcasts it's my favorite
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thing.
And then I got to go do thebusiness part, and that part is
always like, oh oh, that's right, and you gotta, you know, do
the chores.
What I want you to get out ofthis is the reminder that when
you are obsessed with the needto fix others, it means you're
not putting the attention onyour own awarenesses, on your
(24:48):
own healing, on your ownwellbeing, and that is the
number one way that you're goingto heal and help and restore
your relationships.
It's the number one way.
And as I leave on the airplanehere in a couple days and I go
to Disneyland, you're going toactually hear this after I'm
back, so I'll do an episode nextweek about how it goes.
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You know what I'm envisioning.
I'm not envisioning how I'mgoing to make sure that
everybody's trip is great.
I'm envisioning us inDisneyland having a great time.
We're going to have the baby.
I learned how to do the linesso that we could all be in the
line together and then exchangeriders.
I got a lot of great tips frommy friend who's such a Disney
(25:31):
expert.
I'm not going to control, I'mgoing to allow, I'm going to
enjoy, I'm going to be fullypresent and I'm just going to
let it be whatever it is and nottry to control it and make it
be anything in particular.
And then I'm going to go tolunch and then I'm going to get
on the airplane and I'm justgoing to be in my body and I'm
(25:53):
going to let whatever feelingsfeel and I'm going to just let
everybody be who they are.
And that is an entirelydifferent person than was the
one who was hypervigilant aboutmaking sure that everybody was
okay and everything's good.
I'll report back if I'msuccessful or not.
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We do not have to fix everything.
We do not have to take care ofeveryone's emotions.
They are responsible for theirown well-being.
They are responsible for theirown regulation.
When you take care of you, whenyou hold your own space, when
you are a listener and whenpeople can give you information
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about what they need from youand you stay within those lines
and hold those boundaries foryourself and listen to their
boundaries, the energy shifts inthe relationships and it
becomes easier to have clarityabout what is yours to do and
what isn't.
We don't have to fix everything.
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Take all this great wisdom foryourself.
Heal yourself.
It's the greatest gift that youcan give.
Until next time.
Namaste, thank you for listeningand I hope that that helps
support your soul recoveryprocess.
Namaste, or book study, thatcomes with being part of that
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community, but your subscribinghelps support this podcast and
the Recover your Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
(27:39):
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet or check out
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars, and the reviews that are
(27:59):
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together, we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
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