Recovery Daily Podcast

Summer always gives me this feeling of freedom, like a whole season of celebration. But with that comes memories of drinking. Sitting in a kiddie pool with wine beside me, mowing the lawn with wine in a water bottle, going to the beach, and sitting at outdoor restaurants was all connected to alcohol. And even though I don’t crave it anymore, those memories still pop up when the season changes. The key difference today is that I don...

There’s a dangerous illusion that often precedes a relapse. It’s justification and deceptive confidence when we mistake abstinence for sobriety. Emotional sobriety goes far deeper than just staying dry. Showing up to sobriety meetings maintain my spiritual condition one day at a time. I’ve seen it play out both ways this week: one friend stopped going to meetings, while another returned humbled by a relapse because of the same deci...

Okay, so I’ve been listening to this book called Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe, and I decided I’m just going to try to believe in it. Like, let’s just go with it. It talks about how people who’ve passed on might send us little signs, totally random things to let us know they’re still around in some way. So, I picked a sign for someone I lost a long time ago, someone I never really grieved until I got sober. I just let ...

Lately, fear and faith keep coming up everywhere. In my meetings, in my conversations, even in the books and podcasts I’ve been listening to. It’s like everything around me is pointing toward toward expanding my awareness, leaning into it, and being willing to explore what it actually means for me. I’ve been opening my heart and mind more than ever. I’m listening to the Bible, reading the Life Recovery Bible, and tuning into my fri...

Some days I feel awakened to another level of awareness about myself and the world around me, even though my head still hurts. Today, I felt strong despite the headache and dizziness. I got outside with my rucking backpack, walked Autumn in the cool(ish) morning, and chose to see the day through a lens of effort and gratitude. I considered how far I’ve come, even on days when the pain is constant and the fear of more change hangs l...

Between 7:18 a.m. and 10:18 a.m., my morning unfolded with a string of serendipitous moments that confirmed I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I arrived late to my sobriety meeting due to some much needed zzz’s. As the air hung for a few breaths, I chose to share what was on my mind, apologizing first for not knowing the day’s topic. I shared about the importance of practicing self-care in sobriety and stroke recovery. When I don’t...

I’ve seen people quit drinking, living physically sober without emotional sobriety. Are they white knuckling life? I couldn’t not drink without changing everything about me. I needed a program of recovery that encourages emotional sobriety.

Emotional sobriety unfolds across the Twelve Steps as a series of micro decisions and actions. Steps 1–3 introduces surrender and hope. Steps 4–7 expose resentments and awaken humility. Steps 8–9...

I skipped recording for a few days because I felt uninspired, tired, and visually overloaded with symptoms. What I realized this morning (once again) is that these feelings surface when I ignore my physical well-being and do stuff I know I shouldn’t be doing (like catching @justbeingmelanie’s last post on Instagram). As the discomfort sets in, I lose motivation and start listening to my wanter, who tells me all the things I don’t w...

I debated whether to record today because 1) I’m having really bad symptoms and felt an alarming but rare sensation that the room was about to flip upside down (room tilt illusion), and 2) I wasn’t confident that I could provide an interesting angle to discomfort and adaptability. But yes, yes, I could…and I did! I feel an unspoken contract to show up daily and talk about what’s going on between my ears. Maybe it’s just the commitm...

When I get angry, I cry. Anger is the yuckiest of all feelings, in my opinion. I rarely experience it since I quit drinking. I wasn’t an angry drunk, but whenever I was angry, I happened to be drunk. Alcohol reinforces a cycle of drinking to relieve hostility, experiencing intensified resentment, and returning to alcohol for temporary relief. Unresolved grudges, chronic resentments, and a survival-driven mindset fed the urge to dri...

Alcoholism wears many disguises, designer suits, yoga pants, varsity jackets, and even clergy collars. I grew up thinking it only happens to the homeless guy holding a liquor bottle in a paper bag. But alcoholism quietly hides in boardrooms, backyards, dorm rooms, and retirement condos. Each person battling addiction pulls a constellation of loved ones into the orbit of their struggle. Partners tiptoeing around mood swings are torn...

Last night as I fell asleep I imagined my thoughts written in invisible ink, like with the secret decoder pens that we’d find in a cereal box back when Kelloggs was cool. You remember, you can’t read the message without the second decoder pen. As I let go of my thoughts, I was comforted by the thought of not decoding my thoughts until morning. I wasn’t ignoring them. I was simply choosing to put them on my nightstand until morning....

Today I met with my sponsor about Step 4. I began to see the self-inventory in a new way, broken down into three parts. The first is the traditional part of writing down my resentments and identifying my role in those relationships. What surfaces for me is a fear of abandonment. That fear has shown up in so many ways throughout my life, including pulling away from people before they have the chance to leave me. That’s the non-inter...

One of the scariest things I’ve done was let go of what I believed to be the truth about how to survive in this stressful world. My nervous system was shot. One could visibly see me shaking and hear my stomach doing gymnastics. To defend the life I’d built and settle my trembling hands, I had to drink. So, taking off that armor by denying myself alcohol was like casting me out naked in front of the world. 

There’s a stage in ear...

Today I was thinking about the quiet voice inside me. It’s not the one that I call self-talk that likes to beat me up. It’s the one that tells me what “the next right thing” is. I had a long talk with my mom today about life and death, and I thought about how much energy exists inside us while we’re alive. When someone passes, it fascinates me to think about where that energy goes. I’ve come to imagine that it becomes a part of my ...

I recently decided to reconnect with a part of my life I had left behind. After graduating from Longwood College, I disconnected from Zeta Tau Alpha, the women’s fraternity I belonged to. For years, I avoided because college left me with memories of sadness, low self-worth, and heavy drinking. Even though I loved the women around me, I never felt whole or that I had anything worthy to offer. I masked deep insecurity with alcohol an...

Someone recently shared how frustrated they were with coworkers, and it took me right back. Work sometimes felt like a pressure cooker where everyone was trying to protect and meet their own goals, making resentments easy. Even though I usually got along with people, there was always that one person who consumed me with frustration. To manage the building resentment, I’d write their name down and stick it in my God box. Eventually ...

When things go wrong, my emotional reflex has always been to fix it. Doing something about it was pouring a drink and making a drastic decision to escape the yucky feelings. I hated sitting in the unknown. My anxiety was through the roof. Drinking gave me the illusion that I was doing something about it, but I was only making things worse. Living that way was like gambling on horse races to survive, and I lost the race every day.

I used to live in a constant state of anxiety. I was always bracing for something to go wrong. Everything was already wrong. I was dying a slow alcoholic death, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. I no longer carry shame about that part of my journey. It wasn’t a graceful decision to change. It felt more like being dropped into the deep end. But I had to hit the bottom of hopelessness to start listening without judgement. 

I ...