September 10, 2025 • 32 mins
Finding peace amid the chaos of your own mind might be recovery's greatest challenge. In this eye-opening episode, Stefani shares her remarkable journey from addiction to awakening, revealing how the 12 Steps silenced the cruel voices that had dominated her thoughts for years.
"The steps removed so many voices in my head that I didn't know existed until they were gone," Stefani reflects, describing the vicious internal dialogue that kept her trapped in patterns of self-hatred long before substances entered the picture. Her story illuminates how isolation becomes both symptom and perpetuator of addiction—a psychological prison built brick by brick through years of trying to fit in where she didn't belong.
We dive deep into the raw realities of recovery, from the exhaustion that can masquerade as depression to the societal conditioning that leaves many women feeling perpetually inadequate. Stefani's journey toward embracing nonconformity offers a powerful metaphor for recovery itself: "I spent my whole life trying to fit a circle into a square...if I'm a fucking circle, I'm a fucking circle and I'm gonna go find other circles and we're gonna be happy."
The conversation takes unexpected turns through discussions of metal detectors, Chinese food in Mexico, and Stephanie's almost miraculous legal reprieve after eight years with a felony warrant. Throughout these seemingly disparate topics runs a consistent thread—recovery doesn't just mean getting sober; it means discovering who you truly are beneath years of masks and misconceptions.
Whether you're personally in recovery, love someone who is, or simply seek deeper understanding of the human condition, this episode offers wisdom, laughter, and the profound reminder that authentic connection is the antidote to isolation. Subscribe now, leave a review, and join our growing community of people committed to honest, unfiltered conversations about what it really takes to transform your life.
Thank You for Joining Us.. Please share with friends. If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcoholism please reach out to us. We can get you help. recoveryunfilteredpodcast@gmail.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
pray us in, brother, pray us in.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Put that mic in front of you too, please yeah,
heavenly father, thank you forthis time that we get to come
together and have a topic.
Thank you for stephanie'swillingness to tell her story
and we pray that.
We pray that many can be helpedfrom it.
Probably want to pray for mary,who's, uh, dealing with
(00:25):
infertility.
Your hand of blessing.
You are the great physician.
The Bible says that we pray foryour hand to be upon her and
that the child that is to comeabout healthy, happy and touch
lives for your glory.
Here we go with the topic.
Let our speech be full ofgratitude, seasoned with salt.
It's in Christ we pray.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Amen, amen, amen.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Let's go to work, you beating up on Mary While my
eyes were closed.
I just kind of moved her way.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
And I felt her hey you laid hands.
You laid hands, brother we aregonna lighten this one up.
That was a heavy one welcomeback second week.
I shouldn't say welcome back.
It's not like we took a break Iknow hi stephanie, welcome back
, thanks, you know.
So normally what we always do,we always come back with the
(01:23):
same guest.
We try to do a topic to kind oflighten it up.
Most of the time the storiesare pretty heavy, so we try to
get back in.
We like to do a topic right.
So I want to bring up a couplethings with Rob, because you
know, last week was traveling,because right before we started
this podcast, rob and I Rob washere first and we got to.
(01:46):
Talking is one of the thingsthat we do, me for sure, and Rob
even said it, and so I kind ofknow that Rob is is a human
being, because even he'sadmitted a few minutes ago we
were running so hard for aboutthree to four weeks, and this is
something that we talk about isbalance, right.
That balance and that balancehas gotten so out of whack that
(02:10):
I can't, I couldn't catch rest,I couldn't.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
I came home, I mean with good stuff, you know, I
mean service.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
No, it's all positive .
Speaker 2 (02:18):
But still yeah, heavy , all positive Brutal.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
And I came home from the meeting yesterday and I had
a bunch of stuff I wanted to doand I came home and katie was
sitting out on the back porchand I went out there and sat
with her for a few minutes and Icame back inside and I went
into the bedroom and I shut thedoor and I fell asleep till 2 30
.
I didn't move.
Katie said I came in there andyou were snoring.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I was out, just needed it.
I was out.
I slept till 8 30 this morning,which is rare for me she said
that's.
Speaker 3 (02:47):
I've heard you talk about her, that is that is right
, and it's just we get up, mowthe lawns, we get beat down.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
And even even when I got up today, we kind of started
moving around and I went backin, laid back down for another
little bit and I just I just get, I'm beat, beat to hell you
know, but you know it's, it'slike, I think, as it creeps up
on you don't realize you're justyeah, because you just pick
yourself up for the next day,the next job, the next practice,
the next, whatever, the nextstep set of step work yeah, the
(03:17):
traveling gets me right, I meanand I don't do a lot of
traveling, so when I did, thewhole got me got got me.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
No, when I left I finished in Yuma on um.
It was about 1130 on Thursday.
I wasn't set to skip to flyback until Friday.
Well, I finished up 11, 1120 inin Yuma and I looked at my,
looked at the flights leavingSan Diego and I was like I can
make that five o'clock flight.
So I just booked at home and Igot.
I got landed at seven o'clockand in sacramento I got home
(03:46):
about nine o'clock and wentstraight to bed and again
there's nothing like it hit mywife yesterday.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
I was frustrated about again wanting wanting robs
because I had a certain thingof the three-day weekend after I
, you know, get up at threeo'clock two thirty every morning
for weeks and then she's likeshe could tell I was a little
upset, right like I'm justlooking forward to work, right
at this point of what I got tolook forward to.
So she had cut off a few things.
(04:12):
She, I didn't know, she didn'tshe just came back to the
bedroom.
She goes.
You know what?
This is what we're gonna do andyou know sometimes it has to be
done.
mama, yeah, and I, why do yourealize?
I just need to hold my wife.
Yep, you know, sometimes that'sjust when I, that's just what I
need.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
When I said I went back to bed this morning, Katie
was still laying in bed and Ilaid there in that bed and we
laid there till almost 10o'clock and that's unheard of
for me.
Yeah, I mean I'm up.
I'm up at five, 30 every day,and in about eight o'clock and
(04:50):
laid down, we didn't leave thebedroom until 10 o'clock.
This too I've been, I, I wasand I knew that I needed to be
rested for this right.
I know our podcast that ittakes some.
It takes some.
It does me right emotionally.
It does me because I get soinvested not always me, but like
today, yeah, last week jim'sjim's was a big one for me.
This one got me today and then,anyways, or last week that you
know the people that heard itlast week, and it's just they
get me sometimes and that's whyI enjoy doing these second ones,
(05:11):
because it lightens things up,right.
So we want to bring in a topic,right?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
what five fucking minutes, what that's we get five
of those and that's it I feellike that's a challenge, that's
a baseline.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
Five of those, that's two.
You, son of a baseline.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Fuck him.
Five of those, that's two.
You, son of a bitch.
We can say as many of those aswe want.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
I said prick.
You guys said I said prick alot on that last one.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Because you're always addressing me.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Little prick.
Yeah, so tell me, steph, youwanted to talk about something
you had a topic you wanted tobring up, yeah, uh.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
So I was just thinking about kind of my story
and kind of like something thatI think that everyone
experiences, just in differentyou know ways, is the effects of
, like isolation and addictionand alcoholism.
You know whether it beisolating yourself or you know
someone else kind of isolatingyou.
I just feel like everyoneexperiences isolation and that
struggles I?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I get it from depression.
Right, I get it because that'swhat Katie.
When she sees me get wore down,like I've been the last couple
of days, katie struggles, notbeing able to recognize the
difference between my depressionor just exhausted.
You know, like she came in theroom yesterday, what's?
the difference from you, fromyour perspective from my
(06:23):
perspective is I know I knowmentally where I'm at Right.
I know yesterday, when Katiecome into the room and she was
going to open up the blinds inthe in the bedroom and I'm like,
no, don't open those up, I'msleeping.
I think she knew right thenthat I was just tired, right.
But she's checks on me, right,and I appreciate it.
If I know that it's adepression thing, I just I pull
(06:46):
my boots up, I go to work, right, I can't, I go do something.
Right, Go work outside.
I go do something because Ican't.
That was physical, but that'salso isolation.
Right, when you talk aboutthere's a difference between
isolation and just beingphysically exhausted.
Right, when I get in mydepression, I want to be left
(07:07):
the fuck alone.
I don't want anybody messingwith me.
I don't want anybody talking tome.
I don't want to be on the phone, I don't want anything.
If you're calling me and I'mignoring phone calls, I'm in a
bad spot.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I feel like I'm just now getting to a point where I'm
I'm.
I have a hard time recognizingthat in myself sometimes because
I didn't recognize that I hadmental health issues for a
really long time.
Um, I was just more recentlygot on antidepressants and
everything while I've been inrecovery and I was so used to
putting on a face oh yeah right,and so like any time, anybody
(07:40):
would ask me like hey, how youdoing?
I'm always good, good, how, howare you?
Let's talk about you.
Let's not talk about me, let'stalk about you, you know.
And so it was like this, like Istarted to almost lie, so much
about it.
I was lying to myself so much Istarted to believe it, so I
struggle with recognizing thedifference between To die on
self.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Be true baby.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
I struggle with it.
Sometimes I'm like, okay, am Ijust really exhausted, mentally,
physically exhausted, or am I,you know, falling into potential
depression right now?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
and there is a spot in, in, in our, in our, in our
rooms.
Uh, it's not stigmatized asmuch anymore, but sometimes you
need outside help.
The steps are fantastic,sponsorship's great yeah did I
need outside help?
No, but there are people thatI've pushed or helped them get
outside help.
If you need it, go get it.
Um yeah, regardless of whatanybody says, go get it yeah,
(08:32):
I'm.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
I'm all on board with that.
I feel like you know,everybody's recovery is
different.
If you don't need it, that isgood for you and I'm happy for
you.
I would.
I was really resistant tomedication very can I?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
can I ask why?
Because of all the otherchemicals she's already put
inside her body?
Absolutely, she doesn't wantany more.
Speaker 3 (08:49):
Absolutely, I was so sick of being chemically
dependent and I didn't want tosign up for a lifetime of what?
Speaker 1 (08:56):
what made the change?
What made the change?
Speaker 3 (08:58):
um, I spoke to the doctor quite a few times about
it, um, and I was really, reallystruggling with like pulling
myself out of a slump.
I just was and I kept tellingmyself, like I'm like, I'm going
to do it, like I'm going to doit, this is just a temporary,
and it just wasn't happening.
I wasn't getting out of thatslump, and so I kept being
suggested to me like hey, we canstart you on something really
(09:21):
low, you know, but it might help, just it might help.
And I finally sat down with thedoctor and I said is this
something that I'm signing upfor permanently?
And she said no, ideally thiswould be like a maximum of like
six months.
Just, this is just to help youkind of regulate out, basically,
and then you can hopefully,ideally you'll be able to like
maintain by yourself, withoutchemicals, and so that was a big
(09:43):
selling point for me.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I didn't want to commit to a lifetime of anything
but one thing we have torealize as well me as well we
just did started drugs young.
What did we do?
What?
Did we change what, what?
Chemically.
Would we change?
Maybe maybe not, I don't knowabsolutely.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
I.
I find myself acting like a youknow, because I started when I
was like 17.
I find myself handlingsituations like a 17 year old
girl, would you?
Speaker 1 (10:07):
know.
So I mean because I the reasonwhy I asked you that the
difference is because I tried abunch of.
I knew I'd battle in depressionwhen I was drinking all the
time.
I knew it was right it runs.
It was, it runs in our family,right.
So I knew I had it and I wasself-medicating and I was trying
everything I could possibly doto put myself further and
(10:29):
further into a hole.
I I that's what I was workingon was trying to minimize, you
know, the the anxiety on top ofthe depression.
And I couldn't get there untilI found that peace and serenity
in my life.
And then, when I was had thatfor a couple of years, and then
I felt that depression startingto come back in, because when I
(10:49):
was drinking I tried multipledifferent things just to appease
the family and the wife andeverything else and I was hoping
something would bust me out ofthat hole that I was in and no
chemical was going to do it aslong as I was putting alcohol
into my system, right, nothingwas.
But man, when I got on it, it'sbeen about four or five months
ago now.
(11:09):
What a difference life has beenfor me.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Now, do you think we isolate when we do Because we've
all done it To protect othersor to protect ourselves, or both
?
What do we tell ourselves?
No one wants to be around, youknow?
Oh, I'm a selfish prick.
Oh yeah, you know I'm a selfishprick, no one wants to be
around me, so I'm just going toget, cause that's the worst
place for me is to be used to beby myself, isolated.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
I mean now that I don't.
I mean I, I know how I'llanswer that.
I'll isolate Cause I don't wantanother fucking person to ask me
another goddamn question.
I don't want a fucking question, I don't want to talk, I don't
want to fucking think Leave mealone.
Yes, leave me alone.
I don't need, I don't need anymore, nothing around me.
Leave me alone and it's just.
(11:51):
It's hard and it's you knowwhat, and I hate that because my
baby's come around.
My wife needs me.
All these people need me, youknow, and I I run a company.
They need my attention all thetime.
And when I'm, when I get to apoint where I want to be left
the fuck alone, leave me thefuck alone, and that's a
horrible place to be.
It's not healthy for me to bein that position.
(12:13):
As I started, balance, right,balance.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Yeah, I've never had balance in sobriety yet.
Well, it's not, I search for itbut again it is not that I
don't have the power to say no.
I've said no a few times, youknow rarely, but the way, the
way, it's just some people'sbalance looks different.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Rob, your balance is way different than mine, because
what you do, I couldn't do it.
I'm too much of a selfish prickto give away as much as you
give away.
I couldn't do it.
I'm I'm serious, and now maybegod will slap me over the head
and said you're gonna do it here, you go right, I couldn't do it
, I'm serious.
And now maybe God will slap meover the head and said you're
going to do it here, you goRight.
But I don't know if I could doit, for the simple fact my
balance would be jacked up.
(12:52):
It would be.
I'm just so used to it.
Now Maybe you probably yeah, Imean you.
You run hard and with your job,with everything you do, you run
hard.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Here's a question.
There was a question.
Steph, I showed up at the men'smeeting yesterday.
I hadn't seen the young ladythat's going to be on our show.
We were talking, right, yeah,the one.
I said don't let her get away.
But she had asked me she goes.
Hey, I was thinking about youand I was talking about you and
I said, oh, good stuff.
And she was asking John andsome of the men, cause I haven't
, I haven't been to the Oakdalefellowship for a long time.
(13:24):
I've been doing other stuff.
She was.
She was looking to see if I hadtaken over another meeting,
cause she misses my meeting.
Yeah, she wants it's a greatmeeting.
And I said, okay then.
Then what does Rob say?
I said, okay, well, the nextbook.
When the next book said hecomes up, I'll take it over.
Instead of shutting my fuckingmouth.
Sorry, you're an idiot.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
And we both did a dance.
We were so excited.
You know what, though, rob?
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Then John goes.
Hey, rob, it comes up inDecember.
I said, okay, then I'll put myname on there.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
But here's the thing, rob, here's the thing I backed
away from a I did because I knowI mean I have two.
Right, I go to my the Saturdaymorning and my Monday night.
Right, I spend a lot of timeright here in this.
This is my, my AA right here.
Because when we're done withthis, I got to, you know I have
to edit, don't have to, I get toedit it.
I get to do a lot of thingsinvolved with this.
(14:13):
Thank God for Mary, because nowMary's doing a lot of the
social media stuff, because nowMary's doing a lot of the social
media stuff.
So I don't do it as much, butI'm still still working on it,
still talking to people.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
I'm still in this right here.
I might, I'm consumed with thisFor those of you listening.
Uh, december to June next year.
I'll be doing Thursday nightbig book study and it's a great
study.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
And you know what?
Not a better person in my eyes,not a better person to do it,
my eye is not a better person todo it.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
That's right 100%.
Rob changed my sobriety journey.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
I mean just the way he can break it down?
Yeah, 100%.
You know, and I say it all thetime, I absolutely am blessed
that Rob agreed to do thispodcast with me because he's a
talent.
I mean, I say this all the timeI drive it, but he's the talent
.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I mean, there is no.
I'll say it till I'm blue inthe face he's, he's the talent,
I'm the short talent.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
It was your last meeting, the one that you oh,
why did you?
Came in fiery that day.
Oh, when he gets on a soapboxno, it wasn't even the soapbox.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
But he came in and he said it was right there.
It was the last part of the lastmeeting yeah, it was exactly
what I needed to hear because Iwas struggling, like like I told
you guys with that sponsor,with that whole thing, and he
said it couldn't have beenbetter.
He said and I can't rememberexactly your words, but you said
something along the lines ofthese Like, if you follow what
this book says, these guys inthe beginning they freaking, get
(15:36):
in here, they get their stepsdone and they start helping
other people and they do itquickly, like one I think you
said he had like 16 days and hewas doing it yeah, and so you
were just like on that.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
You're like get these people through their fucking
steps and I was like yes becausethere was an old guy in the
back, you know, who had saidsomething.
And he says something.
He says these things to thenewcomers.
That fucking piss me off right,and I usually don't cross share
, but it was my meeting, my lastday, my last five minutes, and
I, I thought in my, in myopinion, I got on a soapbox but
I got a little preach, but theysaid I didn't, it doesn't matter
(16:07):
, you know, and one of thethings you know when someone
comes in like stephanie right,like and who there was another
person in there and you tellthem hey, for the next 30, call
me for the next 30 days and gohome and read.
They don't need that.
You read the first 164.
They don't need a fuckingreading lesson, no, they need
some hope or they need some love.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
They need some action and they don't need to run
errands.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Well, yeah, and I felt like I came in there, I
felt, I personally felt, andthis, this could be by me
walking in those doors, I wasalready done with step one and
two, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
We worked step one out there with a bottle in our
hand, you know, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
There's no reason for me to sit down and write seven
times because I didn't write itthe right way.
Over step one I'm like I knowI'm powerless.
Let's do this shit.
Let's get to the meat.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Steps one, two and three are not working steps yeah
.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
I can show you the book where it says that's page
63.
Yeah, but but here's the thing.
When you say that we talkedabout this yesterday, right?
Speaker 2 (17:08):
but I knew that I was powerless over alcohol.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
I didn't realize the unmanageability was the part
that I I everything in my lifewas completely under under
control.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
I hadn't everything in my life yeah, it was just.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
I was powerless over alcohol, right, my life was
completely manageable.
I hadn't.
All my yets were still there,everything.
Now they were slowly taken awayand it was only a matter of
time before the rest of thatshit fell off and I don't know,
thank God, when I got to the endof that sidewalk, I looked back
the other direction, cause Idon't know where I'd be at today
.
Probably dead, yeah, probablydead.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Hopefully dead Because you're carrying on the
alcoholic.
The slow death of the cirrhosisof the liver.
That's a terrible, painful wayto die your pamphlet what page
did you take out?
Page 60.
Yeah, 59, 60.
Right there it says we readthis every day.
(18:03):
It's the end of you know how itworks?
Yeah, uh, our description ofthe alcoholic chapter to the
agnostic and our personaladventures before and after make
clear three pertinent ideas athat we were alcoholic and could
not manage our own lives.
Step one b probably no humanpower could have relieved our
alcoholism.
Step two c god could and would.
He were sought.
That's also step two.
(18:23):
The next seven words say whatanybody the next seven words say
, being convinced.
We were at step three.
So the only thing necessary forsteps one and two, as far as
this page it's not heard, isthat we are convinced of step
one and two, and the only onethat can answer that is you and
God.
And if you're convinced, wemove on.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
I hate when you put me on the spot like that because
I absolutely knew what theanswer was, but I'm like you
fucking freeze me up, Stoppointing at me like that, you
freeze me up, hey.
So yeah, the isolation, that'sa big one, right?
Do you feel yourself stillisolating?
Speaker 3 (19:00):
no, absolutely not okay.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
No, um, you know, and it took a lot to pull out of it
okay, but you are just and Idon't want to say I shouldn't
say you are six months sober,I'm fresh after everything
you've went through.
Yeah, I mean you have beenthrough some stuff, some shit.
How do you still so?
Because you're one of thestrongest.
I mean, I love when women likeyou come in, because this
fellowship, especially okay,young need strong not even
strong women yes you know, in acertain, a certain type of
(19:24):
strength like christy, yeah,like you, because they, they
need you.
How are you still so?
That's why that's what I wasn'tI wasn't.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Those steps got me to this.
Okay, I didn't come in herelike that.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Good for you.
I didn't come in here like that.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Good for you, I didn't come in here like that.
Those steps and having thatspiritual awakening.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
The first time I met you, when you first came in, you
definitely had a mask on.
You were bubbly and light.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Yeah, oh, always, always.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
But my With the little one in tow.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Yeah, always, always.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
I would always put on a good face.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Yeah, A good face, but my the steps removed so many
voices in my head that I didn'tknow existed until they were
gone.
Right, oh wow, they removedjust a.
And these voices, they fuckinghated me, they were the most
vicious.
Like and honestly, even as ayoung girl, like as a child,
(20:16):
like, I remember hearing Heather.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Heather said the same thing fucking things.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
That were just mean.
You know, I've been justtelling me that everyone's
judging me and everyone'slooking at me and I'm not good
enough and I'm not pretty enoughand I'm not this.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Is this a female thing?
You know, so we're conditionedby the media, because the media
is ran by men I mean, this iswhat good, because this is what
beauty, this is what beautylooks like, this is what, and if
you don't fit this mold, wellthen you're less than.
Is that right?
Speaker 4 (20:44):
You're either going to conform or you're going to
hear it for the rest of yourfucking life.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Absolutely, or you're going to go through your 12
steps and you're going to find aconfidence you've never fucking
known before.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Come on.
Speaker 4 (21:03):
And you're close to my age, and our moms dealt with
things a little bit different,because our grandmothers were
yeah, skirts, heels, makeup andour mom's generation was kind of
just like trying to revolt back, and now ours is preparing our
daughters to realize that thisis unacceptable yeah, and it
doesn't need to be attainedright, absolutely yeah, no, I
agree with that completely.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
my grandma was, um, yeah, that whole generation,
just a whole different, a wholedifferent time.
It was like you were ahousewife you stayed home, you
did the things at home, you know, you did this and that, and I
feel like it's just not thatanymore.
I don't know, I feel like I'mmy.
One of my biggest things that Ilook for, now that I actually
am, take a lot of pride in.
We were going over our corevalues in one of my IOP classes
(21:42):
not that long ago andnonconformity is one of mine,
and I didn't realize that thatwas one of mine until it came up
and I was like I totally digthat, like because I spent my
whole life trying to fit acircle into a square.
Speaker 4 (21:54):
Right.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
And so I finally am at a place in my life where I'm
like, if I'm a fucking circle,I'm a fucking circle and I'm
gonna go find other circles andwe're gonna be happy for you.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
You know we're gonna be happy, but that goes back to
what you said about your highschool, where you just didn't
fit in in my whole life.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
Right, we feel no, no , no, for sure yeah and the
thing is, though, but I was achameleon oh for sure, oh yeah,
oh yeah, oh absolutely anywhereI blended in anywhere but my own
.
I never felt comfortable in myown head.
You know, I felt like I stoodout, even though I probably
really didn't.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
You know, I my head was screaming at me that I'm the
odd man out here and I don'tbelong here and you're not you
know, but I find that I mean,but I find it for me, having
been around, I find it more withwomen than with men.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
This is uncomfortable and I do agree just with them
because of what they're supposedto yeah I was uncomfortable I
was too, but I think mine was alot to do with immaturity, mine
I didn't feel that way untilabout my senior year, because
everybody caught up to my height, because I was six three in
eighth grade.
I was just so such an oddballgiraffe walking around
(23:02):
everywhere everybody.
So when people and I know thatsounds weird, but when I got
older I felt normal becauseeverybody was my height except
for Rob.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
But see, but I always feel I never being five foot
seven, never bothered me becauseI was always a great athlete.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
I was always popular.
I mean, I was always, and thenit still doesn't bother me.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
I mean, it doesn't, it shouldn't it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
It bothers me, yeah Well but I think you hit the
nail on the head.
I think that you hit the nailon the head with it.
It's the industry.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Like the beauty industry, is a multi-billion
dollar industry us.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
We have to look a certain type of way, so we
continue to feed money into it.
I'm going to tell you this andI tell my daughters the same
thing me as a man, if thatwoman's showing confidence.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
I don't give a shit what she looks like one thousand
percent sexy.
To me that's attractiveconfidence.
Show me confidence and I don'tgive a shit what the rest of it
looks like you're right?
Speaker 3 (23:56):
no, definitely.
But I always envied the onebecause there's girls that were
like this sounds rude, but like,maybe like sixes at best, right
, but they walked in there andthey fucking own the place and
all of a sudden they're like aneight nine.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Right.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
And I walk in and I was, I was, I was a very
beautiful young girl Like you'rebeautiful now, honey, but I
mean, but I'm saying but likewhen I was in, but my own like
dis perception body dysmorphiaand like my own shit, like I
(24:30):
probably knocked a couple pointsoff because I was so insecure
just by the way you carriedyourself.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Well, absolutely.
But just the way you'rethinking right there about the
point schedules yeah, it meansyou're thinking about it.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
Yeah, and that's not healthy thinking no, no, no,
that's, but that's back.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
I understand what she's saying I, I get it, yeah,
but that's also years ofconditioning right right and
that's also like the beauty wewere talking.
Speaker 4 (24:45):
You're talking about the beauty industry.
Yeah, these women like thesewomen don't even look like these
women no, these are filters?
These are, oh yeah, I've seensome of those.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
Okay, yes, because, like when, when I'm, we're gonna
bring up brad, when people gethired, brad will go on, because
I'm not on social media, I don'thave that.
He'll go on social media andlook at it and be like hold on,
I don't look like her.
I think it was Rob, that's thefilters, that's the Remain
filters.
Man, they can look likeanything.
Oh, completely Okay, but thenwhat happens?
Here's my question, ladies whathappens when a man okay,
(25:17):
whatever website you're on yougo on this.
She shows up, you're lookingthat's called being catfish
there's a whole show for it okay.
So when you see this down, it'slike who are you?
This isn't you, yeah, so whatdoes the man think?
Yeah I mean, that has to happen, doesn't it?
Speaker 1 (25:34):
thank god we ain't dating in this time era.
There's no way no one datesshort, men apparently sorry
grief, good grief rob thank god,bonnie loves you somebody hey,
so I'm gonna bring somethingelse up, because doug witnessed
this and it happened againflying home.
But so so tsa, right when yougo through tsa is like the most
(26:01):
testing thing that I could everfucking do in my sobriety.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Oh, okay, the airport going through the airport is
literally the most testing thingthat God puts me through, and I
think that's maybe why hetraveled.
I like God put me traveling somuch because when Doug and I
flew to Canada, I almost wasn'table to get on the plane because
of my mouth and I almost gotarrested coming home from San
(26:26):
Diego this last trip.
I already said how fuckingtired I was, right, right.
So you're justifying,justifying, hold on, I'm going
to rationalize it here in just asecond.
I love it.
I've been through that sameairport two and three times a
month.
They should fucking know me bynow.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
They should know me by now there.
So there's the rationalization,right, right.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Then I'm going to justify it.
Here comes the justificationright.
I have metal in my body, son ofa bitch, don't you know?
Speaker 2 (26:51):
I have metal inside my body I got a metal hip.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
Come on you got yours out of a Cracker Jack box and
it's plastic?
Speaker 2 (26:57):
No, it went off.
They couldn't find metal thatsmall for you.
It did not go off of thewrestling tournaments, but it
goes off.
When I went to get my passportI thought I was going to walk
right through and they made mestop, take my clothes off, put a
wand on there.
Guy grabbed me, says what'sthis?
I said that's not my hip.
Let go my penis, sir anyway.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
And then you paid him and you realize you're on union
and not at the, not whereyou're supposed to be.
Yeah, it's okay, so you'recoming back anyway.
So they started ripping all mystuff apart out of my bags and
everything.
And I'm like what are you doing?
And they said, well, you could,because I go, I have TSA
clearance, I have T.
That's why I walked throughhere.
This is a TSA clearance line.
(27:36):
Well, it doesn't matter,because we have to.
You have metal in your body.
I'm like I was just in here aweek ago and nobody did this
same thing and it's oh, he'stired.
I was tired.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
It got ugly.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
And you know, here's the good thing about it What'd
they do they?
I finally shut my mouth becauseI saw them starting to ramp up
and I was like, if I have anyway of getting home, I'm going
to have to shut up right now,because I was so heated
Restraint of pen and tongue.
I was so heated at that point.
When I saw more of the TSApeople starting to wander my
(28:09):
direction, I knew right then Ihad to shut up because it
escalated to a little bit higherstandard.
But it's frustrating to me thatI have there's a reason why I
have TSA clearance and that's togo through and get the fuck on
the plane and go home, Not to bestrip searched because I have
metal inside my body and theycouldn't figure out why the damn
metal detector was going offand I said like five times I got
(28:32):
metal inside my body so howlong ago did you get metal in
your body?
Speaker 3 (28:38):
because I feel like the metal that I got in my body
doesn't set off the metaldetectors.
Was it a while ago?
Speaker 1 (28:44):
No, no, my hip was in 2022 and my back was done in 23
and yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:50):
I'm so surprised it sets it off.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
So here's the thing.
Okay, the jujitsu tournaments Igo to at Stockton Arena.
You are the wrestlingtournaments.
You go through metal detectorsand then they'll wand you.
This hip never goes off.
I went and got my passport,which is almost different
detectors.
Yeah, they look the same, yeahI don't know those wands barely
work, though, but they, but they.
Everything went off.
And then I got metal on my hip,then he put the wand, he goes
(29:14):
must be the left hip, bing, bing, bing yep, it doesn't do it at
disneyland either, though when Iwalk through the disneyland it
doesn't set them off.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
Yeah well, that's what I would want disney be
super.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
When I went into Mexico, they charge you to
freaking.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
get in and get some decent metal detector I went
into Mexico.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
While I was in down there in Yuma this last time, or
in El Centro, and I walkedright through those, they never
even stopped me.
What'd you go to Mexico for?
I went down there to eatChinese food, bullshit.
I swear to God, oh, you're afool.
I, I swear to God, oh, you're afool.
I'm just telling you everybodythat works down there Hold on,
let me finish, go ahead, goahead.
Everybody that works down therein El Centro works at where I
(29:51):
work, all the best Chinese foodplaces over in Mexicali.
You got to go to Mexicali.
You got to go to Mexicali.
Speaker 4 (30:05):
You do not walk into Wong's, because it was probably
a dog or a cat.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
We saw dogs wandering around outside.
There was no cats.
That's funny.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
We get to isolation to eat your cats.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
That's funny, anything else.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Yeah, I want to hear something kind of cool that I
forgot to say Always.
So you guys know how I ran fromdrug court.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Yeah, right.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
I got in sobriety, Started to kind of want to
actually get my life backtogether, right.
So I finally decided I was likeyou know what.
I ran from that for eight years.
I didn't get it so much as aspeeding ticket.
I had a felony warrant foreight years.
I went down to the courthouse.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Oh, that's right.
Okay, this is why I thought youwere going to school, because
you were looking at three and ahalf years of some time I was
looking at yeah, some serioustime right, Because I had
skipped out on drug court.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
I went down to the courthouse and, long story short
, they ended up dropping allcharges.
I'm not even on probation.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
It was like a Jason Allen God.
Thing.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
It really was.
I had already pled guilty, Ihad already taken my sentence, I
had already done.
It was done.
It was a done deal.
I should have gone straight tojail, but I ended up getting
everything.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
Intervention, godly intervention, yeah, godly
intervention.
Yeah, pretty wild All right,stephanie, you're a joy.
You are a joy.
Keep doing your work, girl.
You do awesome, Appreciate you.
You appreciate you coming onhere.
Rob, I fucking love you.
You short little midget Mary,you're amazing.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
Thank you guys for having me.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
Absolutely See.
Ya, that was a good one.
Thank you for joining us today,we hope you learned something
today that will help you.
If you did not come back nextweek and we'll try again.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
If you like what we heard, give us a five star
review.
If you don't like what youheard, kiss my ass.
I can't say that, can you?
Anyway, if you don't like whatyou heard, go ahead and tell us
that too.
We'll see what we can improve.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
We probably won't change nothing, but do it anyway
.
Hey, thanks, rob.
Come back next week andhopefully something will be
different and something willsink in.
Take care, this has beenRecovery Unfiltered.
Thank you.
pray us in, brother, pray us in.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Put that mic in front of you too, please yeah,
heavenly father, thank you forthis time that we get to come
together and have a topic.
Thank you for stephanie'swillingness to tell her story
and we pray that.
We pray that many can be helpedfrom it.
Probably want to pray for mary,who's, uh, dealing with
(00:25):
infertility.
Your hand of blessing.
You are the great physician.
The Bible says that we pray foryour hand to be upon her and
that the child that is to comeabout healthy, happy and touch
lives for your glory.
Here we go with the topic.
Let our speech be full ofgratitude, seasoned with salt.
It's in Christ we pray.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Amen, amen, amen.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Let's go to work, you beating up on Mary While my
eyes were closed.
I just kind of moved her way.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
And I felt her hey you laid hands.
You laid hands, brother we aregonna lighten this one up.
That was a heavy one welcomeback second week.
I shouldn't say welcome back.
It's not like we took a break Iknow hi stephanie, welcome back
, thanks, you know.
So normally what we always do,we always come back with the
(01:23):
same guest.
We try to do a topic to kind oflighten it up.
Most of the time the storiesare pretty heavy, so we try to
get back in.
We like to do a topic right.
So I want to bring up a couplethings with Rob, because you
know, last week was traveling,because right before we started
this podcast, rob and I Rob washere first and we got to.
(01:46):
Talking is one of the thingsthat we do, me for sure, and Rob
even said it, and so I kind ofknow that Rob is is a human
being, because even he'sadmitted a few minutes ago we
were running so hard for aboutthree to four weeks, and this is
something that we talk about isbalance, right.
That balance and that balancehas gotten so out of whack that
(02:10):
I can't, I couldn't catch rest,I couldn't.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
I came home, I mean with good stuff, you know, I
mean service.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
No, it's all positive .
Speaker 2 (02:18):
But still yeah, heavy , all positive Brutal.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
And I came home from the meeting yesterday and I had
a bunch of stuff I wanted to doand I came home and katie was
sitting out on the back porchand I went out there and sat
with her for a few minutes and Icame back inside and I went
into the bedroom and I shut thedoor and I fell asleep till 2 30
.
I didn't move.
Katie said I came in there andyou were snoring.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I was out, just needed it.
I was out.
I slept till 8 30 this morning,which is rare for me she said
that's.
Speaker 3 (02:47):
I've heard you talk about her, that is that is right
, and it's just we get up, mowthe lawns, we get beat down.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
And even even when I got up today, we kind of started
moving around and I went backin, laid back down for another
little bit and I just I just get, I'm beat, beat to hell you
know, but you know it's, it'slike, I think, as it creeps up
on you don't realize you're justyeah, because you just pick
yourself up for the next day,the next job, the next practice,
the next, whatever, the nextstep set of step work yeah, the
(03:17):
traveling gets me right, I meanand I don't do a lot of
traveling, so when I did, thewhole got me got got me.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
No, when I left I finished in Yuma on um.
It was about 1130 on Thursday.
I wasn't set to skip to flyback until Friday.
Well, I finished up 11, 1120 inin Yuma and I looked at my,
looked at the flights leavingSan Diego and I was like I can
make that five o'clock flight.
So I just booked at home and Igot.
I got landed at seven o'clockand in sacramento I got home
(03:46):
about nine o'clock and wentstraight to bed and again
there's nothing like it hit mywife yesterday.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
I was frustrated about again wanting wanting robs
because I had a certain thingof the three-day weekend after I
, you know, get up at threeo'clock two thirty every morning
for weeks and then she's likeshe could tell I was a little
upset, right like I'm justlooking forward to work, right
at this point of what I got tolook forward to.
So she had cut off a few things.
(04:12):
She, I didn't know, she didn'tshe just came back to the
bedroom.
She goes.
You know what?
This is what we're gonna do andyou know sometimes it has to be
done.
mama, yeah, and I, why do yourealize?
I just need to hold my wife.
Yep, you know, sometimes that'sjust when I, that's just what I
need.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
When I said I went back to bed this morning, Katie
was still laying in bed and Ilaid there in that bed and we
laid there till almost 10o'clock and that's unheard of
for me.
Yeah, I mean I'm up.
I'm up at five, 30 every day,and in about eight o'clock and
(04:50):
laid down, we didn't leave thebedroom until 10 o'clock.
This too I've been, I, I wasand I knew that I needed to be
rested for this right.
I know our podcast that ittakes some.
It takes some.
It does me right emotionally.
It does me because I get soinvested not always me, but like
today, yeah, last week jim'sjim's was a big one for me.
This one got me today and then,anyways, or last week that you
know the people that heard itlast week, and it's just they
get me sometimes and that's whyI enjoy doing these second ones,
(05:11):
because it lightens things up,right.
So we want to bring in a topic,right?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
what five fucking minutes, what that's we get five
of those and that's it I feellike that's a challenge, that's
a baseline.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
Five of those, that's two.
You, son of a baseline.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Fuck him.
Five of those, that's two.
You, son of a bitch.
We can say as many of those aswe want.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
I said prick.
You guys said I said prick alot on that last one.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Because you're always addressing me.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Little prick.
Yeah, so tell me, steph, youwanted to talk about something
you had a topic you wanted tobring up, yeah, uh.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
So I was just thinking about kind of my story
and kind of like something thatI think that everyone
experiences, just in differentyou know ways, is the effects of
, like isolation and addictionand alcoholism.
You know whether it beisolating yourself or you know
someone else kind of isolatingyou.
I just feel like everyoneexperiences isolation and that
struggles I?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I get it from depression.
Right, I get it because that'swhat Katie.
When she sees me get wore down,like I've been the last couple
of days, katie struggles, notbeing able to recognize the
difference between my depressionor just exhausted.
You know, like she came in theroom yesterday, what's?
the difference from you, fromyour perspective from my
(06:23):
perspective is I know I knowmentally where I'm at Right.
I know yesterday, when Katiecome into the room and she was
going to open up the blinds inthe in the bedroom and I'm like,
no, don't open those up, I'msleeping.
I think she knew right thenthat I was just tired, right.
But she's checks on me, right,and I appreciate it.
If I know that it's adepression thing, I just I pull
(06:46):
my boots up, I go to work, right, I can't, I go do something.
Right, Go work outside.
I go do something because Ican't.
That was physical, but that'salso isolation.
Right, when you talk aboutthere's a difference between
isolation and just beingphysically exhausted.
Right, when I get in mydepression, I want to be left
(07:07):
the fuck alone.
I don't want anybody messingwith me.
I don't want anybody talking tome.
I don't want to be on the phone, I don't want anything.
If you're calling me and I'mignoring phone calls, I'm in a
bad spot.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
I feel like I'm just now getting to a point where I'm
I'm.
I have a hard time recognizingthat in myself sometimes because
I didn't recognize that I hadmental health issues for a
really long time.
Um, I was just more recentlygot on antidepressants and
everything while I've been inrecovery and I was so used to
putting on a face oh yeah right,and so like any time, anybody
(07:40):
would ask me like hey, how youdoing?
I'm always good, good, how, howare you?
Let's talk about you.
Let's not talk about me, let'stalk about you, you know.
And so it was like this, like Istarted to almost lie, so much
about it.
I was lying to myself so much Istarted to believe it, so I
struggle with recognizing thedifference between To die on
self.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Be true baby.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
I struggle with it.
Sometimes I'm like, okay, am Ijust really exhausted, mentally,
physically exhausted, or am I,you know, falling into potential
depression right now?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
and there is a spot in, in, in our, in our, in our
rooms.
Uh, it's not stigmatized asmuch anymore, but sometimes you
need outside help.
The steps are fantastic,sponsorship's great yeah did I
need outside help?
No, but there are people thatI've pushed or helped them get
outside help.
If you need it, go get it.
Um yeah, regardless of whatanybody says, go get it yeah,
(08:32):
I'm.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
I'm all on board with that.
I feel like you know,everybody's recovery is
different.
If you don't need it, that isgood for you and I'm happy for
you.
I would.
I was really resistant tomedication very can I?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
can I ask why?
Because of all the otherchemicals she's already put
inside her body?
Absolutely, she doesn't wantany more.
Speaker 3 (08:49):
Absolutely, I was so sick of being chemically
dependent and I didn't want tosign up for a lifetime of what?
Speaker 1 (08:56):
what made the change?
What made the change?
Speaker 3 (08:58):
um, I spoke to the doctor quite a few times about
it, um, and I was really, reallystruggling with like pulling
myself out of a slump.
I just was and I kept tellingmyself, like I'm like, I'm going
to do it, like I'm going to doit, this is just a temporary,
and it just wasn't happening.
I wasn't getting out of thatslump, and so I kept being
suggested to me like hey, we canstart you on something really
(09:21):
low, you know, but it might help, just it might help.
And I finally sat down with thedoctor and I said is this
something that I'm signing upfor permanently?
And she said no, ideally thiswould be like a maximum of like
six months.
Just, this is just to help youkind of regulate out, basically,
and then you can hopefully,ideally you'll be able to like
maintain by yourself, withoutchemicals, and so that was a big
(09:43):
selling point for me.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I didn't want to commit to a lifetime of anything
but one thing we have torealize as well me as well we
just did started drugs young.
What did we do?
What?
Did we change what, what?
Chemically.
Would we change?
Maybe maybe not, I don't knowabsolutely.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
I.
I find myself acting like a youknow, because I started when I
was like 17.
I find myself handlingsituations like a 17 year old
girl, would you?
Speaker 1 (10:07):
know.
So I mean because I the reasonwhy I asked you that the
difference is because I tried abunch of.
I knew I'd battle in depressionwhen I was drinking all the
time.
I knew it was right it runs.
It was, it runs in our family,right.
So I knew I had it and I wasself-medicating and I was trying
everything I could possibly doto put myself further and
(10:29):
further into a hole.
I I that's what I was workingon was trying to minimize, you
know, the the anxiety on top ofthe depression.
And I couldn't get there untilI found that peace and serenity
in my life.
And then, when I was had thatfor a couple of years, and then
I felt that depression startingto come back in, because when I
(10:49):
was drinking I tried multipledifferent things just to appease
the family and the wife andeverything else and I was hoping
something would bust me out ofthat hole that I was in and no
chemical was going to do it aslong as I was putting alcohol
into my system, right, nothingwas.
But man, when I got on it, it'sbeen about four or five months
ago now.
(11:09):
What a difference life has beenfor me.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Now, do you think we isolate when we do Because we've
all done it To protect othersor to protect ourselves, or both
?
What do we tell ourselves?
No one wants to be around, youknow?
Oh, I'm a selfish prick.
Oh yeah, you know I'm a selfishprick, no one wants to be
around me, so I'm just going toget, cause that's the worst
place for me is to be used to beby myself, isolated.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
I mean now that I don't.
I mean I, I know how I'llanswer that.
I'll isolate Cause I don't wantanother fucking person to ask me
another goddamn question.
I don't want a fucking question, I don't want to talk, I don't
want to fucking think Leave mealone.
Yes, leave me alone.
I don't need, I don't need anymore, nothing around me.
Leave me alone and it's just.
(11:51):
It's hard and it's you knowwhat, and I hate that because my
baby's come around.
My wife needs me.
All these people need me, youknow, and I I run a company.
They need my attention all thetime.
And when I'm, when I get to apoint where I want to be left
the fuck alone, leave me thefuck alone, and that's a
horrible place to be.
It's not healthy for me to bein that position.
(12:13):
As I started, balance, right,balance.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Yeah, I've never had balance in sobriety yet.
Well, it's not, I search for itbut again it is not that I
don't have the power to say no.
I've said no a few times, youknow rarely, but the way, the
way, it's just some people'sbalance looks different.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Rob, your balance is way different than mine, because
what you do, I couldn't do it.
I'm too much of a selfish prickto give away as much as you
give away.
I couldn't do it.
I'm I'm serious, and now maybegod will slap me over the head
and said you're gonna do it here, you go right, I couldn't do it
, I'm serious.
And now maybe God will slap meover the head and said you're
going to do it here, you goRight.
But I don't know if I could doit, for the simple fact my
balance would be jacked up.
(12:52):
It would be.
I'm just so used to it.
Now Maybe you probably yeah, Imean you.
You run hard and with your job,with everything you do, you run
hard.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Here's a question.
There was a question.
Steph, I showed up at the men'smeeting yesterday.
I hadn't seen the young ladythat's going to be on our show.
We were talking, right, yeah,the one.
I said don't let her get away.
But she had asked me she goes.
Hey, I was thinking about youand I was talking about you and
I said, oh, good stuff.
And she was asking John andsome of the men, cause I haven't
, I haven't been to the Oakdalefellowship for a long time.
(13:24):
I've been doing other stuff.
She was.
She was looking to see if I hadtaken over another meeting,
cause she misses my meeting.
Yeah, she wants it's a greatmeeting.
And I said, okay then.
Then what does Rob say?
I said, okay, well, the nextbook.
When the next book said hecomes up, I'll take it over.
Instead of shutting my fuckingmouth.
Sorry, you're an idiot.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
And we both did a dance.
We were so excited.
You know what, though, rob?
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Then John goes.
Hey, rob, it comes up inDecember.
I said, okay, then I'll put myname on there.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
But here's the thing, rob, here's the thing I backed
away from a I did because I knowI mean I have two.
Right, I go to my the Saturdaymorning and my Monday night.
Right, I spend a lot of timeright here in this.
This is my, my AA right here.
Because when we're done withthis, I got to, you know I have
to edit, don't have to, I get toedit it.
I get to do a lot of thingsinvolved with this.
(14:13):
Thank God for Mary, because nowMary's doing a lot of the
social media stuff, because nowMary's doing a lot of the social
media stuff.
So I don't do it as much, butI'm still still working on it,
still talking to people.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
I'm still in this right here.
I might, I'm consumed with thisFor those of you listening.
Uh, december to June next year.
I'll be doing Thursday nightbig book study and it's a great
study.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
And you know what?
Not a better person in my eyes,not a better person to do it,
my eye is not a better person todo it.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
That's right 100%.
Rob changed my sobriety journey.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
I mean just the way he can break it down?
Yeah, 100%.
You know, and I say it all thetime, I absolutely am blessed
that Rob agreed to do thispodcast with me because he's a
talent.
I mean, I say this all the timeI drive it, but he's the talent
.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I mean, there is no.
I'll say it till I'm blue inthe face he's, he's the talent,
I'm the short talent.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
It was your last meeting, the one that you oh,
why did you?
Came in fiery that day.
Oh, when he gets on a soapboxno, it wasn't even the soapbox.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
But he came in and he said it was right there.
It was the last part of the lastmeeting yeah, it was exactly
what I needed to hear because Iwas struggling, like like I told
you guys with that sponsor,with that whole thing, and he
said it couldn't have beenbetter.
He said and I can't rememberexactly your words, but you said
something along the lines ofthese Like, if you follow what
this book says, these guys inthe beginning they freaking, get
(15:36):
in here, they get their stepsdone and they start helping
other people and they do itquickly, like one I think you
said he had like 16 days and hewas doing it yeah, and so you
were just like on that.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
You're like get these people through their fucking
steps and I was like yes becausethere was an old guy in the
back, you know, who had saidsomething.
And he says something.
He says these things to thenewcomers.
That fucking piss me off right,and I usually don't cross share
, but it was my meeting, my lastday, my last five minutes, and
I, I thought in my, in myopinion, I got on a soapbox but
I got a little preach, but theysaid I didn't, it doesn't matter
(16:07):
, you know, and one of thethings you know when someone
comes in like stephanie right,like and who there was another
person in there and you tellthem hey, for the next 30, call
me for the next 30 days and gohome and read.
They don't need that.
You read the first 164.
They don't need a fuckingreading lesson, no, they need
some hope or they need some love.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
They need some action and they don't need to run
errands.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Well, yeah, and I felt like I came in there, I
felt, I personally felt, andthis, this could be by me
walking in those doors, I wasalready done with step one and
two, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
We worked step one out there with a bottle in our
hand, you know, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
There's no reason for me to sit down and write seven
times because I didn't write itthe right way.
Over step one I'm like I knowI'm powerless.
Let's do this shit.
Let's get to the meat.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Steps one, two and three are not working steps yeah
.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
I can show you the book where it says that's page
63.
Yeah, but but here's the thing.
When you say that we talkedabout this yesterday, right?
Speaker 2 (17:08):
but I knew that I was powerless over alcohol.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
I didn't realize the unmanageability was the part
that I I everything in my lifewas completely under under
control.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
I hadn't everything in my life yeah, it was just.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
I was powerless over alcohol, right, my life was
completely manageable.
I hadn't.
All my yets were still there,everything.
Now they were slowly taken awayand it was only a matter of
time before the rest of thatshit fell off and I don't know,
thank God, when I got to the endof that sidewalk, I looked back
the other direction, cause Idon't know where I'd be at today
.
Probably dead, yeah, probablydead.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Hopefully dead Because you're carrying on the
alcoholic.
The slow death of the cirrhosisof the liver.
That's a terrible, painful wayto die your pamphlet what page
did you take out?
Page 60.
Yeah, 59, 60.
Right there it says we readthis every day.
(18:03):
It's the end of you know how itworks?
Yeah, uh, our description ofthe alcoholic chapter to the
agnostic and our personaladventures before and after make
clear three pertinent ideas athat we were alcoholic and could
not manage our own lives.
Step one b probably no humanpower could have relieved our
alcoholism.
Step two c god could and would.
He were sought.
That's also step two.
(18:23):
The next seven words say whatanybody the next seven words say
, being convinced.
We were at step three.
So the only thing necessary forsteps one and two, as far as
this page it's not heard, isthat we are convinced of step
one and two, and the only onethat can answer that is you and
God.
And if you're convinced, wemove on.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
I hate when you put me on the spot like that because
I absolutely knew what theanswer was, but I'm like you
fucking freeze me up, Stoppointing at me like that, you
freeze me up, hey.
So yeah, the isolation, that'sa big one, right?
Do you feel yourself stillisolating?
Speaker 3 (19:00):
no, absolutely not okay.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
No, um, you know, and it took a lot to pull out of it
okay, but you are just and Idon't want to say I shouldn't
say you are six months sober,I'm fresh after everything
you've went through.
Yeah, I mean you have beenthrough some stuff, some shit.
How do you still so?
Because you're one of thestrongest.
I mean, I love when women likeyou come in, because this
fellowship, especially okay,young need strong not even
strong women yes you know, in acertain, a certain type of
(19:24):
strength like christy, yeah,like you, because they, they
need you.
How are you still so?
That's why that's what I wasn'tI wasn't.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Those steps got me to this.
Okay, I didn't come in herelike that.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Good for you.
I didn't come in here like that.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Good for you, I didn't come in here like that.
Those steps and having thatspiritual awakening.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
The first time I met you, when you first came in, you
definitely had a mask on.
You were bubbly and light.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Yeah, oh, always, always.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
But my With the little one in tow.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
Yeah, always, always.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
I would always put on a good face.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Yeah, A good face, but my the steps removed so many
voices in my head that I didn'tknow existed until they were
gone.
Right, oh wow, they removedjust a.
And these voices, they fuckinghated me, they were the most
vicious.
Like and honestly, even as ayoung girl, like as a child,
(20:16):
like, I remember hearing Heather.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Heather said the same thing fucking things.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
That were just mean.
You know, I've been justtelling me that everyone's
judging me and everyone'slooking at me and I'm not good
enough and I'm not pretty enoughand I'm not this.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Is this a female thing?
You know, so we're conditionedby the media, because the media
is ran by men I mean, this iswhat good, because this is what
beauty, this is what beautylooks like, this is what, and if
you don't fit this mold, wellthen you're less than.
Is that right?
Speaker 4 (20:44):
You're either going to conform or you're going to
hear it for the rest of yourfucking life.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Absolutely, or you're going to go through your 12
steps and you're going to find aconfidence you've never fucking
known before.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Come on.
Speaker 4 (21:03):
And you're close to my age, and our moms dealt with
things a little bit different,because our grandmothers were
yeah, skirts, heels, makeup andour mom's generation was kind of
just like trying to revolt back, and now ours is preparing our
daughters to realize that thisis unacceptable yeah, and it
doesn't need to be attainedright, absolutely yeah, no, I
agree with that completely.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
my grandma was, um, yeah, that whole generation,
just a whole different, a wholedifferent time.
It was like you were ahousewife you stayed home, you
did the things at home, you know, you did this and that, and I
feel like it's just not thatanymore.
I don't know, I feel like I'mmy.
One of my biggest things that Ilook for, now that I actually
am, take a lot of pride in.
We were going over our corevalues in one of my IOP classes
(21:42):
not that long ago andnonconformity is one of mine,
and I didn't realize that thatwas one of mine until it came up
and I was like I totally digthat, like because I spent my
whole life trying to fit acircle into a square.
Speaker 4 (21:54):
Right.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
And so I finally am at a place in my life where I'm
like, if I'm a fucking circle,I'm a fucking circle and I'm
gonna go find other circles andwe're gonna be happy for you.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
You know we're gonna be happy, but that goes back to
what you said about your highschool, where you just didn't
fit in in my whole life.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
Right, we feel no, no , no, for sure yeah and the
thing is, though, but I was achameleon oh for sure, oh yeah,
oh yeah, oh absolutely anywhereI blended in anywhere but my own
.
I never felt comfortable in myown head.
You know, I felt like I stoodout, even though I probably
really didn't.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
You know, I my head was screaming at me that I'm the
odd man out here and I don'tbelong here and you're not you
know, but I find that I mean,but I find it for me, having
been around, I find it more withwomen than with men.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
This is uncomfortable and I do agree just with them
because of what they're supposedto yeah I was uncomfortable I
was too, but I think mine was alot to do with immaturity, mine
I didn't feel that way untilabout my senior year, because
everybody caught up to my height, because I was six three in
eighth grade.
I was just so such an oddballgiraffe walking around
(23:02):
everywhere everybody.
So when people and I know thatsounds weird, but when I got
older I felt normal becauseeverybody was my height except
for Rob.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
But see, but I always feel I never being five foot
seven, never bothered me becauseI was always a great athlete.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
I was always popular.
I mean, I was always, and thenit still doesn't bother me.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
I mean, it doesn't, it shouldn't it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
It bothers me, yeah Well but I think you hit the
nail on the head.
I think that you hit the nailon the head with it.
It's the industry.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Like the beauty industry, is a multi-billion
dollar industry us.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
We have to look a certain type of way, so we
continue to feed money into it.
I'm going to tell you this andI tell my daughters the same
thing me as a man, if thatwoman's showing confidence.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
I don't give a shit what she looks like one thousand
percent sexy.
To me that's attractiveconfidence.
Show me confidence and I don'tgive a shit what the rest of it
looks like you're right?
Speaker 3 (23:56):
no, definitely.
But I always envied the onebecause there's girls that were
like this sounds rude, but like,maybe like sixes at best, right
, but they walked in there andthey fucking own the place and
all of a sudden they're like aneight nine.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Right.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
And I walk in and I was, I was, I was a very
beautiful young girl Like you'rebeautiful now, honey, but I
mean, but I'm saying but likewhen I was in, but my own like
dis perception body dysmorphiaand like my own shit, like I
(24:30):
probably knocked a couple pointsoff because I was so insecure
just by the way you carriedyourself.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Well, absolutely.
But just the way you'rethinking right there about the
point schedules yeah, it meansyou're thinking about it.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
Yeah, and that's not healthy thinking no, no, no,
that's, but that's back.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
I understand what she's saying I, I get it, yeah,
but that's also years ofconditioning right right and
that's also like the beauty wewere talking.
Speaker 4 (24:45):
You're talking about the beauty industry.
Yeah, these women like thesewomen don't even look like these
women no, these are filters?
These are, oh yeah, I've seensome of those.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
Okay, yes, because, like when, when I'm, we're gonna
bring up brad, when people gethired, brad will go on, because
I'm not on social media, I don'thave that.
He'll go on social media andlook at it and be like hold on,
I don't look like her.
I think it was Rob, that's thefilters, that's the Remain
filters.
Man, they can look likeanything.
Oh, completely Okay, but thenwhat happens?
Here's my question, ladies whathappens when a man okay,
(25:17):
whatever website you're on yougo on this.
She shows up, you're lookingthat's called being catfish
there's a whole show for it okay.
So when you see this down, it'slike who are you?
This isn't you, yeah, so whatdoes the man think?
Yeah I mean, that has to happen, doesn't it?
Speaker 1 (25:34):
thank god we ain't dating in this time era.
There's no way no one datesshort, men apparently sorry
grief, good grief rob thank god,bonnie loves you somebody hey,
so I'm gonna bring somethingelse up, because doug witnessed
this and it happened againflying home.
But so so tsa, right when yougo through tsa is like the most
(26:01):
testing thing that I could everfucking do in my sobriety.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Oh, okay, the airport going through the airport is
literally the most testing thingthat God puts me through, and I
think that's maybe why hetraveled.
I like God put me traveling somuch because when Doug and I
flew to Canada, I almost wasn'table to get on the plane because
of my mouth and I almost gotarrested coming home from San
(26:26):
Diego this last trip.
I already said how fuckingtired I was, right, right.
So you're justifying,justifying, hold on, I'm going
to rationalize it here in just asecond.
I love it.
I've been through that sameairport two and three times a
month.
They should fucking know me bynow.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
They should know me by now there.
So there's the rationalization,right, right.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Then I'm going to justify it.
Here comes the justificationright.
I have metal in my body, son ofa bitch, don't you know?
Speaker 2 (26:51):
I have metal inside my body I got a metal hip.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
Come on you got yours out of a Cracker Jack box and
it's plastic?
Speaker 2 (26:57):
No, it went off.
They couldn't find metal thatsmall for you.
It did not go off of thewrestling tournaments, but it
goes off.
When I went to get my passportI thought I was going to walk
right through and they made mestop, take my clothes off, put a
wand on there.
Guy grabbed me, says what'sthis?
I said that's not my hip.
Let go my penis, sir anyway.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
And then you paid him and you realize you're on union
and not at the, not whereyou're supposed to be.
Yeah, it's okay, so you'recoming back anyway.
So they started ripping all mystuff apart out of my bags and
everything.
And I'm like what are you doing?
And they said, well, you could,because I go, I have TSA
clearance, I have T.
That's why I walked throughhere.
This is a TSA clearance line.
(27:36):
Well, it doesn't matter,because we have to.
You have metal in your body.
I'm like I was just in here aweek ago and nobody did this
same thing and it's oh, he'stired.
I was tired.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
It got ugly.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
And you know, here's the good thing about it What'd
they do they?
I finally shut my mouth becauseI saw them starting to ramp up
and I was like, if I have anyway of getting home, I'm going
to have to shut up right now,because I was so heated
Restraint of pen and tongue.
I was so heated at that point.
When I saw more of the TSApeople starting to wander my
(28:09):
direction, I knew right then Ihad to shut up because it
escalated to a little bit higherstandard.
But it's frustrating to me thatI have there's a reason why I
have TSA clearance and that's togo through and get the fuck on
the plane and go home, Not to bestrip searched because I have
metal inside my body and theycouldn't figure out why the damn
metal detector was going offand I said like five times I got
(28:32):
metal inside my body so howlong ago did you get metal in
your body?
Speaker 3 (28:38):
because I feel like the metal that I got in my body
doesn't set off the metaldetectors.
Was it a while ago?
Speaker 1 (28:44):
No, no, my hip was in 2022 and my back was done in 23
and yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:50):
I'm so surprised it sets it off.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
So here's the thing.
Okay, the jujitsu tournaments Igo to at Stockton Arena.
You are the wrestlingtournaments.
You go through metal detectorsand then they'll wand you.
This hip never goes off.
I went and got my passport,which is almost different
detectors.
Yeah, they look the same, yeahI don't know those wands barely
work, though, but they, but they.
Everything went off.
And then I got metal on my hip,then he put the wand, he goes
(29:14):
must be the left hip, bing, bing, bing yep, it doesn't do it at
disneyland either, though when Iwalk through the disneyland it
doesn't set them off.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
Yeah well, that's what I would want disney be
super.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
When I went into Mexico, they charge you to
freaking.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
get in and get some decent metal detector I went
into Mexico.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
While I was in down there in Yuma this last time, or
in El Centro, and I walkedright through those, they never
even stopped me.
What'd you go to Mexico for?
I went down there to eatChinese food, bullshit.
I swear to God, oh, you're afool.
I, I swear to God, oh, you're afool.
I'm just telling you everybodythat works down there Hold on,
let me finish, go ahead, goahead.
Everybody that works down therein El Centro works at where I
(29:51):
work, all the best Chinese foodplaces over in Mexicali.
You got to go to Mexicali.
You got to go to Mexicali.
Speaker 4 (30:05):
You do not walk into Wong's, because it was probably
a dog or a cat.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
We saw dogs wandering around outside.
There was no cats.
That's funny.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
We get to isolation to eat your cats.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
That's funny, anything else.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Yeah, I want to hear something kind of cool that I
forgot to say Always.
So you guys know how I ran fromdrug court.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Yeah, right.
Speaker 3 (30:27):
I got in sobriety, Started to kind of want to
actually get my life backtogether, right.
So I finally decided I was likeyou know what.
I ran from that for eight years.
I didn't get it so much as aspeeding ticket.
I had a felony warrant foreight years.
I went down to the courthouse.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Oh, that's right.
Okay, this is why I thought youwere going to school, because
you were looking at three and ahalf years of some time I was
looking at yeah, some serioustime right, Because I had
skipped out on drug court.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
I went down to the courthouse and, long story short
, they ended up dropping allcharges.
I'm not even on probation.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
It was like a Jason Allen God.
Thing.
Speaker 3 (30:59):
It really was.
I had already pled guilty, Ihad already taken my sentence, I
had already done.
It was done.
It was a done deal.
I should have gone straight tojail, but I ended up getting
everything.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
Intervention, godly intervention, yeah, godly
intervention.
Yeah, pretty wild All right,stephanie, you're a joy.
You are a joy.
Keep doing your work, girl.
You do awesome, Appreciate you.
You appreciate you coming onhere.
Rob, I fucking love you.
You short little midget Mary,you're amazing.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
Thank you guys for having me.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
Absolutely See.
Ya, that was a good one.
Thank you for joining us today,we hope you learned something
today that will help you.
If you did not come back nextweek and we'll try again.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
If you like what we heard, give us a five star
review.
If you don't like what youheard, kiss my ass.
I can't say that, can you?
Anyway, if you don't like whatyou heard, go ahead and tell us
that too.
We'll see what we can improve.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
We probably won't change nothing, but do it anyway
.
Hey, thanks, rob.
Come back next week andhopefully something will be
different and something willsink in.
Take care, this has beenRecovery Unfiltered.
Thank you.
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