Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
That guilt and that
anxiety that come in, maybe
that's just a me thing.
Maybe that's just a highlyanxious mom thing to be thinking
about that.
But I do think having thatthought of what if I don't make
it made me feel like when I getback, I really need to embrace
every little hug, every littletantrum, every little moment
(00:21):
where she looks at me with herlower lip pouted out like, don't
leave me, you know, likeappreciate her wanting to be
Welcome to Redefining Us, wherewe explore sexuality, identity,
(00:59):
motherhood, Let's break freefrom roles that limit us and
create a life where you cantruly be yourself.
Well, welcome back to...
Okay, well, welcome back toRedefining Us.
(01:20):
I am here for another soloepisode.
I haven't really given too muchthought, even what I want to
talk about, but I feel likewhat's really calling to me
right now is this phase that I'min of motherhood that I feel
like it's always transitioning.
You know, once you feel like youmaster one thing it's like on to
(01:43):
the next and then on to the nextand it's just thing after thing
after thing that changes andshifts and forces you to grow
and you to change and shift andlife is even like that not just
even motherhood but I reallywanted to talk about how I went
away for the first time from mydaughter after the first like 20
(02:09):
plus months of her life wentaway for a two full day trip.
It was a work trip.
So it wasn't necessarily likerelaxing and feed up sort of
experience.
So I was pretty distracted forthe most part.
And I was really worried aboutmissing her.
(02:30):
And I was like really concernedabout how this would impact her
too.
I knew she would be safe andwell taken care of.
And I was not worried about anyof those like logistic things.
So it was in good hands, but Idon't know.
I just like really got into myhead about missing her.
(02:53):
And I had this thought, which isso interesting that I had this
thought because then I was atthe conference and I spoke to
another mom.
She's like, I have the samethought.
And I'm like, oh, this is notjust a me thing, which was like
a huge relief.
And so I wanted to share ithere, what that thought was.
It's like, what if while I'mgone, I die, and I leave my
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daughter for the rest of herlife without a mother.
I know, very egocentric of me tobe worried about my death having
a great impact on someone, but Ithink if it did have a great
impact on someone, it wouldprobably be my child.
And that's a lot ofresponsibility and pressure to
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be thinking about.
If I die, I will be leaving mymy child motherless you only get
one mom you can have bonus momsand other mother figures the
only one person that gave youbirth And yeah, I don't know.
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The fear of that came into mybrain as the plane was taking
off.
And I was like, dear goodness,please let me get there safe.
Let me come back safe.
I just need to make it throughthis in order to come out the
other side so I can be here formy child.
(04:21):
And I'm like thinking to myselfas I'm going through this, like,
oh my gosh, Stephanie, You haveto enjoy the moment more.
Why do you find yourself havingthese intrusive thoughts?
So then when another person atthis conference came up who also
happens to be a therapist, shesaid something so similar that I
was like, oh my God, me too.
(04:44):
And yes, we have this likeprimal instinct to like take
care of our children.
But I imagine even though maybeI haven't heard about it as
much, there's also this likeprimal instinct to like see stay
alive to protect your child soyou can protect your children.
Because without your existenceand without you being around,
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you can't take care of yourchild and you can't protect
them.
And I know other people can doit and that I don't have to do
it by myself.
And like the logic part of meknows that like, oh, she would
still be taken care of.
I'm surrounded by a communitythat would pull together and
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take care of her.
So worst case scenario, I didn'tmake it.
Her world wouldn't come crashingdown.
But oh my goodness, what a mindF basically for your brain to go
through.
And I don't know.
I guess I am sharing this storyto one, normalize the experience
(05:50):
for other people, but to reallyshare how anxiety can show up as
a mom and how mom guilt can showup as a mom.
Like I was feeling guilty fortrying to do something thing to
better my own career because itwas like taking time away from
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her and you know heaven forbidlike take mealy from her forever
and i was feeling the sense ofhow am i supposed to relax if
i'm away from her then i have tobe productive if i'm away from
my partner and he's having towatch my child having to he is
getting the opportunity to watchmy child full time i better make
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Can't waste time because...
You only get so many moments oftheir life, and I think there's
all of this pressure to bepresent, but then when you're
not present because you'rephysically doing something else
(06:56):
that you have to because youhave to pay your own bills, at
least most people do, yeah, it'sreally weird.
I see all these videos on socialmedia about stuff Slow down and
enjoy the moment.
Your kids are only so young forso long.
And when they get older, theyhave bigger kid problems and
(07:19):
bigger people problems that arejust harder.
And you thought changing diaperswas hard.
Just you wait.
That's a whole nother problem onsocial media.
But basically this message tolike be in the moment.
And this was the first time thatI wasn't able to physically be
present in the moment because Iwasn't there in the moment with
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her.
And when I go to work, I feellike that's different.
That's like normal life.
People have to go to work.
And yes, I was working while itwas gone, but I didn't have to
go to this conference.
I did so to better provide formyself and for my family to
learn things, to grow, to pushmyself so I could be a better
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version of me, which all soundgreat.
And I feel like are all inalignment with my values.
But that value of connection andbeing present in that moment
weren't able to be fulfilled bydoing this thing, going to the
conference that was actually inalignment with my values of me
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being independent and me beingcompetitive because who doesn't
like to learn more to do more?
Well, at least I shouldn't saythat.
I don't like to sit back and letother people quote unquote win
while I just take back seat.
So going to this conferenceideally is going to help me
achieve that value or worktowards that value of mine.
(08:49):
I don't know.
I don't know if this podcastepisode has a specific point
except for to just share that Ithink it's all a little bit of a
mind if.
You can go to therapy.
You can do all the things.
You can know your values.
And when you have values thatconflict or interests that
conflict or things that you holdso dear that aren't exactly in
(09:17):
the same alignment.
You almost have to live in thesetwo different places at two
different times in order to getall of your needs met, in order
to meet all of your values.
And that guilt and that anxietythat come in, maybe that's just
a me thing.
Maybe that's just a highlyanxious person, highly anxious
mom thing to be thinking aboutthat.
(09:41):
I do think having that thoughtof what if I don't make it Made
me feel like when I get back, Ireally need to embrace every
little hug, every littletantrum, every little moment
where she looks at me with herlower lip pouted out like, don't
(10:02):
leave me.
You know, like appreciate all ofthis, her wanting to be with me
because maybe one day that won'tbe the case.
Maybe one day I won't be here.
One day she won't need me.
as much.
So being in this moment with herright now and tending to my own
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needs, my own values, I thinkwe're going to just be in
competition and trying to honorand have space for both of those
things in this season of lifebecause they are both important.
And I don't think if I attemptedto dim down one side of my
values that I would be anyhappier or I think I just need
(10:50):
to exist in these two differentplaces or these two different
wheelhouses of values.
And when I have anxiety, letmyself feel it.
Let myself experience the fear,the thoughts and feelings.
Just ride the wave.
Like the dialectical behaviortherapy skill of riding the
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wave, like all emotions go inand out like a tide.
All emotions have peaks andvalleys And if I try to force
myself to not feel a certain wayor convince myself that feeling
that way is wrong, then I'm justgoing to get stuck.
And the emotion won't be able tomove through my spirit or my
mind or my soul.
(11:33):
So yeah, I'm going to encourageeveryone who's listening.
If you find yourself having twodifferent values or two
different parts of you that feellike they're in competition with
one another, yeah, let it ride.
You can't force yourself into abox.
I mean, you could, but you'dprobably be miserable.
(11:54):
So just ride that wave andfigure out how you can meet your
own needs and be there for thepeople that matter most to you
and honor your experience whileyou try to do both because it's
not an easy one two three dothis and this will work for you
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it's not a a b c all right doneone time you just got to work
through the feelings and thethoughts just the one time it's
each time it's each moment eachphase that you'll have to work
through each new anxious thoughtthat you might need to work
through and process andintegrate into the way that you
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see the world and I think that'sjust a lot about what being
human is and about redefiningyourself and your identity in
each phase of life in eachmoment so well that's all I got
for you today.
I hopefully feel like you atleast felt seen or maybe could
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relate to this.
I'd love to hear from you.
So please reach out, whetherthat's through the newsletter or
just reaching out to me in thecommunity that I have,
Redefining Us, which is on ourwebsite at
wellmindedcounseling.com.
I'd love to hear from you andconnect.
(13:24):
All right.
Thanks.
Thank you for tuning in toRedefining Us once again and
share with other people so otherpeople can continue to listen to
Redefining Us and we can getinto more listeners ears.
If you follow us or subscribe orleave a comment or review,
(13:45):
that'd be greatly helpful forother people to find us and also
just for me to get somefeedback.
What do you guys want to hear mesay?
What do you women care abouthearing?
I'm totally open to to bringingon guests and talking about
topics that are unique andinspiring to everyone.
So please let me know.
And this year, hopefully we'llbe full of a lot of community
(14:09):
building, a lot of publicspeaking, a lot of resource
sharing.
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Well-Minded Counseling onInstagram as our handle, as well
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(14:30):
happening in the Redefining Uscommunity.
Once again, thank you so muchfor listening and keep being
awesome.