December 11, 2025 • 20 mins
After becoming a mother, Stephanie found herself navigating a confusing mix of identity, pressure, and self-doubt.
In this solo episode, she shares how values work helped her understand the tension between the roles she cared about and the deeper needs underneath them.
By shifting her focus from doing everything perfectly to living in alignment with what matters most, Stephanie found more compassion, calm, and direction.
This episode offers a grounding perspective for anyone moving through a similar transition.
Please leave us a review or rating! These help get the show out to more women like you wanting to have these conversations.
Would you like to chat more about this episode's topic? I would love to continue our conversation over on Instagram! @wellmindedcounseling
I wrote a book! Becoming Mommy: Aligning with yourself and finding your voice during pregnancy and motherhood, available at all major retailers - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DZT9P3RB?ref=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cp_ud_dp_KFT90ZBDS48FDGG6DH5X&ref_=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cp_ud_dp_KFT90ZBDS48FDGG6DH5X&social_share=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cp_ud_dp_KFT90ZBDS48FDGG6DH5X&bestFormat=true
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:48):
Welcome to Redefine Us, where we explore sexuality,
identity, motherhood, and mentalhealth to help women thrive
authentically.
Let's break free from roles thatlimit us and create a life where
you can truly be yourself.
Welcome back everyone.
Today I'm gonna do a soloepisode.
(01:09):
And if you've listened to melong enough on this podcast or
have heard some of my guestspots, I talk a lot about
values.
And values has really helped mealign more with myself.
There is a type of therapycalled acceptance commitment
therapy that I began doing withmy therapist post-birth about
(01:30):
maybe a year after I had mydaughter, because I was still
finding myself really feelingunsure of who this new version
of me was.
And I want to take a deep diveinto that today.
Some of the things I want toexplore are values that have
helped me prioritize thecompeting demands that I have in
(01:56):
my life between work, mypartner, my daughter, friends,
other responsibilities, thevalues that maybe connect it to
my identity as a core.
I think that was really thebiggest thing that I was
struggling with.
As well as what values help mereduce the guilt and comparison
(02:17):
trap that I feel like we arealso guilty of falling into,
whether it's during motherhoodor during other seasons of our
life, comparison's a thief ofall joy, as they say in that
quote.
So I'm gonna really dive intothe competing demands piece
because I think that influencesthe identity piece.
(02:40):
Prior to becoming a mom, I stillam a therapist, uh, as well as a
business owner.
And that role, that position inlife, I really had accepted as
my identity.
And it was like a hat that Iwore pretty frequently.
And I think when the mom hatstarted to need to also fit on
(03:03):
my head, I had this push-pullbetween the two of them.
This, well, I'm a therapist andboss and business owner, and I'm
also a mom.
Like, how do I hold all of thesevery precious responsibilities
and somehow do it all?
I felt a great, greatresponsibility to my clients to
(03:26):
show up as my best therapistself.
And I had a great sense ofresponsibility to show up with
to my employees as the best bossand supervisor as I can be.
And I really felt like I was,I'm gonna use the word failing.
I hate using that word because Ithink it's toxic, but I really
(03:47):
felt like I was failing at bothof those roles when I came back
from maternity leave because mymind felt like it was elsewhere.
And then when I was with mydaughter, I felt like my mind
was elsewhere.
It was like no matter where Iwas, I was trying to be in the
other place.
I was trying to do the otherthing that I know that I needed
(04:09):
to do while doing the thing thatwas right in front of me.
It was a real, real struggle.
And I just remember feeling likeso confused about how do I do
both of these things that are soimportant to me and so deeply
linked to how I feel aboutmyself and my self-worth, so
(04:30):
deeply linked to how I wanted toshow up in the world and the
difference that I felt like Iwas called to make.
And it was really overwhelming.
Needless to say, even justtalking about it and trying to
tap back into how I felt duringthat time.
I feel like this anxietycreeping up in my chest.
(04:51):
And my therapist at the time waslike, well, all of those things
you can value.
You don't have to necessarilykick one off in order to serve
the other.
The goal is to be present whereyou are, to be authentic to the
moment that you're in, and toknow that these two values of
(05:12):
yours will compete and lettingthem compete, and knowing that
it's okay that they compete.
I was like, oh no, they can'tcompete.
What do you mean it's okay?
It's like both of those thingsare things that you're going to
need to manage in your life.
Your role as a mother, your roleas a boss, your role as a
therapist.
Those are all things that aregonna constantly compete.
(05:33):
And how do you decide moment tomoment which role takes
precedent rather than feelinglike they all need to be number
one all at once?
And I was like, oh, oh, okay,yeah.
And then, of course, my role asa partner is also valuable to
me, and that was greatlysuffering because I was really
(05:54):
struggling between these othertwo things that felt like if I
didn't pay attention to them,something bad would happen.
I had this security in myrelationship that if I didn't
pay 100% attention to it, I knewnothing bad was going to happen.
But part of my anxiety reallywas like, if I don't pay
attention to my daughter,something bad's gonna happen.
(06:16):
If I don't pay attention towork, something bad is gonna
happen.
If I don't pay attention to myclients, something bad is gonna
happen.
And I just had this fear thatcrept in and these intrusive
thoughts that just would notquiet down.
And so we started doing a lot ofvalues work, and I sorted out my
values using a value sort card.
(06:38):
You can get this deck of valuecards.
You can also make somedownloadable, printable ones on
the internet that I recommendyou look up.
But it's just this little deck,and you go through, and there's
56 different cards in that deck.
There's some value sorts thathave more than that.
I would stay less than 75because it's gonna get
(07:00):
overwhelming, and a lot of themhave a decent amount of overlap.
So we sorted the cards and wesorted the cards week after
week.
Finally got down to five corevalues.
And the ones that really spoketo me actually were my top two.
And these top two values beganto be really apparent on why
(07:21):
they were my top two, which isindependence and connection.
Both of those values actuallycome into play when it comes to
these roles that I was holdingso tightly.
And what was a good mental shiftfor me was recognizing that my
values were in competition withone another, not so much my
(07:45):
roles.
Because I didn't want to saythat I was trading off my role
as a mother for my role as abusiness person, or my role as a
business person for my role as amother.
That felt for some reason fullof guilt and grossness to me.
But when I shifted and reframedthe perspective that it's
(08:05):
actually independence andconnection that are in
competition with one another, itfelt lighter, it felt more
doable because in each of thoseroles, I want both of those
values.
But sometimes one of thosevalues is going to take
precedent because in a lot ofways they're in opposition of
(08:26):
one another, right?
Like I so deeply want to be seenand to feel independent, to feel
free, to feel like a leader, tofeel strong.
Like the that's whatindependence means to me.
And then connection is I want tobe present, I want to relate, I
(08:46):
want to have deep, meaningfulrelationships.
I want to provide secureattachments.
And those two things may soundlike they're in contradiction,
but they feel like they bothneed to be present in order for
me, like myself, Stephanie, toexist in congruence with myself
(09:13):
and in alignment with myself.
Now, I again recommend that youdo this exercise, figure out
which values are your top.
But for me, those two thingswere in this, I guess, power
struggle with one another,because I felt like I could only
have one or the other.
And shifting away from theidentities and into the values
was a good shift.
(09:34):
And then realizing, like, wait,maybe it's not like one of them
is one and one of them is two,or one of them is, you know,
needs to be a 10, the otherneeds to be a zero.
Like, what if it's like one Aand one B?
The difference between the twoof them doesn't need to be so
great.
What if they just interchangeeasily?
(09:54):
Kind of like, you know, twoballs just going back and forth
with one another as someone'sjuggling them.
They don't need to stay in oneplace, neither one is more
important, neither one is goingto be seen as the pinnacle.
They're both priorities that areconstantly dancing with one
(10:16):
another.
And again, that allowed me tohave some sort of relief, that
realization that I couldredefine what being independent
meant, redefine what beingconnected meant and all of my
roles.
My role with my partner, my rolewith my daughter, my role with
my work, my role with myemployees.
(10:39):
It really helped alleviate thismental strain that I had to
choose.
And knowing that they could beballs that I'm just juggling and
that are shifting back and forththat are in flow with one
another, not in contradictionwith one another.
Again, just like alleviated alot of anxiety.
(11:00):
So, again, I hope that you coulddo that exercise either with
yourself or find a goodtherapist to do it, because I
highly recommend it.
And this really helped me sortout the identity that I had as a
mom.
Because I think I also wastrying to figure out like who am
I in this new role?
Like, I know who I am as atherapist, I know who I am as a
(11:22):
boss, but who am I when it comesto being this little girl's mom?
And I didn't know that answer,but I think as time went on, and
again, staying in therapy,talking to my therapist, I
recognized that my values arewho I am.
I don't need to become somebodyelse or become something else.
(11:47):
I just need to lean into thesecore values of mine and exude
them and maybe impress upon myrelationship with my daughter
and guide myself and her throughthese values.
So I want to be connected to mydaughter.
My daughter wants to be held.
(12:08):
Okay, let's hold each other.
I want my daughter to beindependent.
Okay, no, you don't need to holdmy hand.
You can you can walk over hereby yourself.
And allowing those two thingsagain, even though they feel
contradictory, it's like thispush-pull again.
But I think that those valuesallowed me to show up as a mom
(12:30):
that I wanted to be, bothfostering a connection between
the two of us, that secureattachment that I so desperately
wanted to foster, as well asthat strong independence.
Like the first I remember we gotthis swing set for my daughter's
second birthday.
And I was really scared, to behonest, of like, oh my goodness,
(12:52):
she's gonna break an arm.
Oh my goodness, she's gonnabreak a leg.
And the first few times mynurturing connected self was
like, I'm gonna stand behind heras she climbs up the ladder.
And this girl, no fear, justclimbs up the ladder.
I'm like, great, I've been doingsomething right, or at least I
haven't been letting my anxietycrush her her feisty spirit.
(13:12):
So yeah, she just climbed up theladder, climbed up the ladder,
and I stood behind her maybe thefirst 10, 15 times until I felt
confident walking away.
And now she just goes up anddown the slide in the ladder,
like no problem.
She zooms right down.
And I'm so proud of her everytime she does it because she
really does have what feels likeno fear for a little
(13:35):
two-year-old.
But that was that balance of Ineed to stay connected with her
by staying behind as she climbsup the ladder, and then over
time allow her to be independentand do it, and not feel like I
have to keep staying in onevalue or another.
Like I can hold both as it feelsright and aligned with me.
(13:57):
And hopefully that teaches herto do the same.
Like, oh, this feels like I needmy mom.
I'm gonna ask for help.
This feels like I can do it bymyself.
I'm gonna do it by myself, andreally trying to foster, like,
yes, I can ask for help, andalso I can do it by myself
sometimes.
And that's, I guess, what I feellike I started really leaning
(14:21):
into as my values of parenting.
And again, you might have othervalues that come up when you do
the value card sort, but it'simportant to pay attention to
how those show up.
There's other moms that mightvalue, I don't know, something
else.
I don't want to assume, butlet's just say their value is
something else.
Maybe they would show up in thatsituation that I just described
(14:43):
with the place at in a differentway.
And that's fine.
It's like showing up as yourauthentic self in parenting that
will help you feel most at easeand also will give your child a
congruent idea about how you'regoing to show up for them and
how they're going to show up inthe world.
It's not about trying to doeverything the way that
(15:05):
everybody else is doing it,coming full circle to that
comparison thing that Imentioned at the beginning.
It's about doing it in a waythat feels aligned with you.
Because if you're in alignmentwith yourself and you're being
authentic with yourself, thenyour child knows who you are.
They're not confused about whatto expect from mom or dad.
(15:25):
They know what to expect becausein every scenario, you're
showing up the same way, or atleast in congruence with the way
that feels aligned with you.
And that's what's going to helpthem create a secure attachment.
It's not necessarily, oh, I needto, I don't know.
I'm just going to use somethingrandom here as an example.
(15:47):
And this is no shade to anybodywho believes this because you
do, girl.
Mommy is hard.
Like I need to read threestories to them every night.
That's going to create a secureattachment.
I need to hold their hand whilethey fall asleep.
That's going to create a secureattachment.
And you know what?
It might.
And you know what?
If someone else doesn't do that,that doesn't mean that they're
(16:10):
not forming a secure attachmentwith their child.
Something else that they'redoing, hopefully, with
consistency and authenticity, iscreating a secure attachment
with their child.
So I had gotten in my head as atherapist, like so obsessed with
this idea of creating secureattachment.
That was like driving myselfcrazy.
(16:31):
So leading into this authenticvalues-based parenting really
helped me feel more in alignmentwith myself and took off this
pressure of doing quote unquotewhat the parenting books say is
right.
Because all of that can beexhausting.
And I'm not saying there's novalue in parenting books because
(16:51):
I think there are.
We can get really, as humans,laser focused on thinking one
way and seeing things in one wayfor our own ease and structure
and being introduced to newideas, it can be helpful and can
diversify our approach.
So I think that is also value.
(17:18):
Just like you're listening tothis podcast and taking in my
perspective here.
But there is no one right way,no one right perspective.
I think again, if you can goback to what feels like it's in
alignment with you, take whatyou want, leave what you don't.
Allow yourself to be challengedby new ideas, consider them,
(17:42):
take what you want from thatidea, leave what you don't after
some critical thinking.
So maybe like trial and error.
All of this helps you move theneedle to the type of parent,
hopefully, and the type of momthat you want to be, and the
type of person that you'reevolving into as you become a
mom.
(18:02):
And I feel like every day youjust become more and more closer
to that version of yourself,hopefully, that you want to be
as you do this introspectivework on who you are now as a
mother or as a parent.
Because the work can be reallycomplicated and layered, going
(18:23):
back to what I the first thingthat I said, with guilt in
comparison.
People often find that they'reasking themselves, am I doing
enough?
And maybe the question insteadshould, am I living in alignment
with what matters to me?
That simple shift of, am I doingenough?
Am I doing enough this?
(18:44):
Am I doing enough that?
Am I a good enough parent?
Am I a good enough mom?
Am I a good enough housekeeper,etc., etc.?
That list can become really longand is littered with guilt and
shame all over it.
And so if you begin to askyourself this question of, am I
living in alignment with whatmatters to me?
(19:04):
That is so much more powerfuland empowering and again
authentic to maybe who you are,then asking yourself if you're
good enough for X, Y, and Z orif you're doing enough.
It's just light year'sdifferent.
So I encourage you to try tochange some of the language when
you're speaking to yourselfabout how you're showing up or
(19:26):
how you want to show up, andjust speak in a framework that
helps you be supportive to whoyou already are and be in
alignment with who you alreadyare.
I hope his podcast helpilluminate some new tips or
skills that you can use.
Share a little backstory aboutwhy I think this work is so
(19:46):
important and about how I'vekind of gotten to where I am in
my motherhood journey, and how Ithink it could be helpful for
you to practice this idea offocusing on alignment rather
than doing things perfect ordoing things right, because
right and perfect are traps toset you up to fall right into
(20:08):
that toxic failure mindset.
So I hope that you all have agood rest of your day and that
you got something from this.
All right, take care.
Thank you for tuning in toRedefining Us once again and
share with other people so otherpeople can continue to listen to
Redefining Us, and we can getinto more listeners if you
(20:32):
follow us or subscribe or leavea comment or review.
That would be greatly helpfulfor other people to find us, and
also just for me to get somefeedback.
What do you guys want to hear mesay?
What do you women care abouthere?
I'm totally Open to bringing onguests and talking about topics
that are unique and inspiring toeveryone.
(20:54):
So please let me know.
And this year, hopefully, it'llbe full of a lot of community
building, a lot of publicspeaking, a lot of resource
sharing.
So I really encourage you tofollow us on social media at
Wellminded Counseling onInstagram as our handle, as well
as going directly to ourwebsite, wellmindcounseling.com
(21:15):
backslash redefining Python us,so you can be in the know with
all the things that arehappening in the Redefining Us
community.
Once again, thank you so muchfor listening and keeping
awesome.
Welcome to Redefine Us, where we explore sexuality,
identity, motherhood, and mentalhealth to help women thrive
authentically.
Let's break free from roles thatlimit us and create a life where
you can truly be yourself.
Welcome back everyone.
Today I'm gonna do a soloepisode.
(01:09):
And if you've listened to melong enough on this podcast or
have heard some of my guestspots, I talk a lot about
values.
And values has really helped mealign more with myself.
There is a type of therapycalled acceptance commitment
therapy that I began doing withmy therapist post-birth about
(01:30):
maybe a year after I had mydaughter, because I was still
finding myself really feelingunsure of who this new version
of me was.
And I want to take a deep diveinto that today.
Some of the things I want toexplore are values that have
helped me prioritize thecompeting demands that I have in
(01:56):
my life between work, mypartner, my daughter, friends,
other responsibilities, thevalues that maybe connect it to
my identity as a core.
I think that was really thebiggest thing that I was
struggling with.
As well as what values help mereduce the guilt and comparison
(02:17):
trap that I feel like we arealso guilty of falling into,
whether it's during motherhoodor during other seasons of our
life, comparison's a thief ofall joy, as they say in that
quote.
So I'm gonna really dive intothe competing demands piece
because I think that influencesthe identity piece.
(02:40):
Prior to becoming a mom, I stillam a therapist, uh, as well as a
business owner.
And that role, that position inlife, I really had accepted as
my identity.
And it was like a hat that Iwore pretty frequently.
And I think when the mom hatstarted to need to also fit on
(03:03):
my head, I had this push-pullbetween the two of them.
This, well, I'm a therapist andboss and business owner, and I'm
also a mom.
Like, how do I hold all of thesevery precious responsibilities
and somehow do it all?
I felt a great, greatresponsibility to my clients to
(03:26):
show up as my best therapistself.
And I had a great sense ofresponsibility to show up with
to my employees as the best bossand supervisor as I can be.
And I really felt like I was,I'm gonna use the word failing.
I hate using that word because Ithink it's toxic, but I really
(03:47):
felt like I was failing at bothof those roles when I came back
from maternity leave because mymind felt like it was elsewhere.
And then when I was with mydaughter, I felt like my mind
was elsewhere.
It was like no matter where Iwas, I was trying to be in the
other place.
I was trying to do the otherthing that I know that I needed
(04:09):
to do while doing the thing thatwas right in front of me.
It was a real, real struggle.
And I just remember feeling likeso confused about how do I do
both of these things that are soimportant to me and so deeply
linked to how I feel aboutmyself and my self-worth, so
(04:30):
deeply linked to how I wanted toshow up in the world and the
difference that I felt like Iwas called to make.
And it was really overwhelming.
Needless to say, even justtalking about it and trying to
tap back into how I felt duringthat time.
I feel like this anxietycreeping up in my chest.
(04:51):
And my therapist at the time waslike, well, all of those things
you can value.
You don't have to necessarilykick one off in order to serve
the other.
The goal is to be present whereyou are, to be authentic to the
moment that you're in, and toknow that these two values of
(05:12):
yours will compete and lettingthem compete, and knowing that
it's okay that they compete.
I was like, oh no, they can'tcompete.
What do you mean it's okay?
It's like both of those thingsare things that you're going to
need to manage in your life.
Your role as a mother, your roleas a boss, your role as a
therapist.
Those are all things that aregonna constantly compete.
(05:33):
And how do you decide moment tomoment which role takes
precedent rather than feelinglike they all need to be number
one all at once?
And I was like, oh, oh, okay,yeah.
And then, of course, my role asa partner is also valuable to
me, and that was greatlysuffering because I was really
(05:54):
struggling between these othertwo things that felt like if I
didn't pay attention to them,something bad would happen.
I had this security in myrelationship that if I didn't
pay 100% attention to it, I knewnothing bad was going to happen.
But part of my anxiety reallywas like, if I don't pay
attention to my daughter,something bad's gonna happen.
(06:16):
If I don't pay attention towork, something bad is gonna
happen.
If I don't pay attention to myclients, something bad is gonna
happen.
And I just had this fear thatcrept in and these intrusive
thoughts that just would notquiet down.
And so we started doing a lot ofvalues work, and I sorted out my
values using a value sort card.
(06:38):
You can get this deck of valuecards.
You can also make somedownloadable, printable ones on
the internet that I recommendyou look up.
But it's just this little deck,and you go through, and there's
56 different cards in that deck.
There's some value sorts thathave more than that.
I would stay less than 75because it's gonna get
(07:00):
overwhelming, and a lot of themhave a decent amount of overlap.
So we sorted the cards and wesorted the cards week after
week.
Finally got down to five corevalues.
And the ones that really spoketo me actually were my top two.
And these top two values beganto be really apparent on why
(07:21):
they were my top two, which isindependence and connection.
Both of those values actuallycome into play when it comes to
these roles that I was holdingso tightly.
And what was a good mental shiftfor me was recognizing that my
values were in competition withone another, not so much my
(07:45):
roles.
Because I didn't want to saythat I was trading off my role
as a mother for my role as abusiness person, or my role as a
business person for my role as amother.
That felt for some reason fullof guilt and grossness to me.
But when I shifted and reframedthe perspective that it's
(08:05):
actually independence andconnection that are in
competition with one another, itfelt lighter, it felt more
doable because in each of thoseroles, I want both of those
values.
But sometimes one of thosevalues is going to take
precedent because in a lot ofways they're in opposition of
(08:26):
one another, right?
Like I so deeply want to be seenand to feel independent, to feel
free, to feel like a leader, tofeel strong.
Like the that's whatindependence means to me.
And then connection is I want tobe present, I want to relate, I
(08:46):
want to have deep, meaningfulrelationships.
I want to provide secureattachments.
And those two things may soundlike they're in contradiction,
but they feel like they bothneed to be present in order for
me, like myself, Stephanie, toexist in congruence with myself
(09:13):
and in alignment with myself.
Now, I again recommend that youdo this exercise, figure out
which values are your top.
But for me, those two thingswere in this, I guess, power
struggle with one another,because I felt like I could only
have one or the other.
And shifting away from theidentities and into the values
was a good shift.
(09:34):
And then realizing, like, wait,maybe it's not like one of them
is one and one of them is two,or one of them is, you know,
needs to be a 10, the otherneeds to be a zero.
Like, what if it's like one Aand one B?
The difference between the twoof them doesn't need to be so
great.
What if they just interchangeeasily?
(09:54):
Kind of like, you know, twoballs just going back and forth
with one another as someone'sjuggling them.
They don't need to stay in oneplace, neither one is more
important, neither one is goingto be seen as the pinnacle.
They're both priorities that areconstantly dancing with one
(10:16):
another.
And again, that allowed me tohave some sort of relief, that
realization that I couldredefine what being independent
meant, redefine what beingconnected meant and all of my
roles.
My role with my partner, my rolewith my daughter, my role with
my work, my role with myemployees.
(10:39):
It really helped alleviate thismental strain that I had to
choose.
And knowing that they could beballs that I'm just juggling and
that are shifting back and forththat are in flow with one
another, not in contradictionwith one another.
Again, just like alleviated alot of anxiety.
(11:00):
So, again, I hope that you coulddo that exercise either with
yourself or find a goodtherapist to do it, because I
highly recommend it.
And this really helped me sortout the identity that I had as a
mom.
Because I think I also wastrying to figure out like who am
I in this new role?
Like, I know who I am as atherapist, I know who I am as a
(11:22):
boss, but who am I when it comesto being this little girl's mom?
And I didn't know that answer,but I think as time went on, and
again, staying in therapy,talking to my therapist, I
recognized that my values arewho I am.
I don't need to become somebodyelse or become something else.
(11:47):
I just need to lean into thesecore values of mine and exude
them and maybe impress upon myrelationship with my daughter
and guide myself and her throughthese values.
So I want to be connected to mydaughter.
My daughter wants to be held.
(12:08):
Okay, let's hold each other.
I want my daughter to beindependent.
Okay, no, you don't need to holdmy hand.
You can you can walk over hereby yourself.
And allowing those two thingsagain, even though they feel
contradictory, it's like thispush-pull again.
But I think that those valuesallowed me to show up as a mom
(12:30):
that I wanted to be, bothfostering a connection between
the two of us, that secureattachment that I so desperately
wanted to foster, as well asthat strong independence.
Like the first I remember we gotthis swing set for my daughter's
second birthday.
And I was really scared, to behonest, of like, oh my goodness,
(12:52):
she's gonna break an arm.
Oh my goodness, she's gonnabreak a leg.
And the first few times mynurturing connected self was
like, I'm gonna stand behind heras she climbs up the ladder.
And this girl, no fear, justclimbs up the ladder.
I'm like, great, I've been doingsomething right, or at least I
haven't been letting my anxietycrush her her feisty spirit.
(13:12):
So yeah, she just climbed up theladder, climbed up the ladder,
and I stood behind her maybe thefirst 10, 15 times until I felt
confident walking away.
And now she just goes up anddown the slide in the ladder,
like no problem.
She zooms right down.
And I'm so proud of her everytime she does it because she
really does have what feels likeno fear for a little
(13:35):
two-year-old.
But that was that balance of Ineed to stay connected with her
by staying behind as she climbsup the ladder, and then over
time allow her to be independentand do it, and not feel like I
have to keep staying in onevalue or another.
Like I can hold both as it feelsright and aligned with me.
(13:57):
And hopefully that teaches herto do the same.
Like, oh, this feels like I needmy mom.
I'm gonna ask for help.
This feels like I can do it bymyself.
I'm gonna do it by myself, andreally trying to foster, like,
yes, I can ask for help, andalso I can do it by myself
sometimes.
And that's, I guess, what I feellike I started really leaning
(14:21):
into as my values of parenting.
And again, you might have othervalues that come up when you do
the value card sort, but it'simportant to pay attention to
how those show up.
There's other moms that mightvalue, I don't know, something
else.
I don't want to assume, butlet's just say their value is
something else.
Maybe they would show up in thatsituation that I just described
(14:43):
with the place at in a differentway.
And that's fine.
It's like showing up as yourauthentic self in parenting that
will help you feel most at easeand also will give your child a
congruent idea about how you'regoing to show up for them and
how they're going to show up inthe world.
It's not about trying to doeverything the way that
(15:05):
everybody else is doing it,coming full circle to that
comparison thing that Imentioned at the beginning.
It's about doing it in a waythat feels aligned with you.
Because if you're in alignmentwith yourself and you're being
authentic with yourself, thenyour child knows who you are.
They're not confused about whatto expect from mom or dad.
(15:25):
They know what to expect becausein every scenario, you're
showing up the same way, or atleast in congruence with the way
that feels aligned with you.
And that's what's going to helpthem create a secure attachment.
It's not necessarily, oh, I needto, I don't know.
I'm just going to use somethingrandom here as an example.
(15:47):
And this is no shade to anybodywho believes this because you
do, girl.
Mommy is hard.
Like I need to read threestories to them every night.
That's going to create a secureattachment.
I need to hold their hand whilethey fall asleep.
That's going to create a secureattachment.
And you know what?
It might.
And you know what?
If someone else doesn't do that,that doesn't mean that they're
(16:10):
not forming a secure attachmentwith their child.
Something else that they'redoing, hopefully, with
consistency and authenticity, iscreating a secure attachment
with their child.
So I had gotten in my head as atherapist, like so obsessed with
this idea of creating secureattachment.
That was like driving myselfcrazy.
(16:31):
So leading into this authenticvalues-based parenting really
helped me feel more in alignmentwith myself and took off this
pressure of doing quote unquotewhat the parenting books say is
right.
Because all of that can beexhausting.
And I'm not saying there's novalue in parenting books because
(16:51):
I think there are.
We can get really, as humans,laser focused on thinking one
way and seeing things in one wayfor our own ease and structure
and being introduced to newideas, it can be helpful and can
diversify our approach.
So I think that is also value.
(17:18):
Just like you're listening tothis podcast and taking in my
perspective here.
But there is no one right way,no one right perspective.
I think again, if you can goback to what feels like it's in
alignment with you, take whatyou want, leave what you don't.
Allow yourself to be challengedby new ideas, consider them,
(17:42):
take what you want from thatidea, leave what you don't after
some critical thinking.
So maybe like trial and error.
All of this helps you move theneedle to the type of parent,
hopefully, and the type of momthat you want to be, and the
type of person that you'reevolving into as you become a
mom.
(18:02):
And I feel like every day youjust become more and more closer
to that version of yourself,hopefully, that you want to be
as you do this introspectivework on who you are now as a
mother or as a parent.
Because the work can be reallycomplicated and layered, going
(18:23):
back to what I the first thingthat I said, with guilt in
comparison.
People often find that they'reasking themselves, am I doing
enough?
And maybe the question insteadshould, am I living in alignment
with what matters to me?
That simple shift of, am I doingenough?
Am I doing enough this?
(18:44):
Am I doing enough that?
Am I a good enough parent?
Am I a good enough mom?
Am I a good enough housekeeper,etc., etc.?
That list can become really longand is littered with guilt and
shame all over it.
And so if you begin to askyourself this question of, am I
living in alignment with whatmatters to me?
(19:04):
That is so much more powerfuland empowering and again
authentic to maybe who you are,then asking yourself if you're
good enough for X, Y, and Z orif you're doing enough.
It's just light year'sdifferent.
So I encourage you to try tochange some of the language when
you're speaking to yourselfabout how you're showing up or
(19:26):
how you want to show up, andjust speak in a framework that
helps you be supportive to whoyou already are and be in
alignment with who you alreadyare.
I hope his podcast helpilluminate some new tips or
skills that you can use.
Share a little backstory aboutwhy I think this work is so
(19:46):
important and about how I'vekind of gotten to where I am in
my motherhood journey, and how Ithink it could be helpful for
you to practice this idea offocusing on alignment rather
than doing things perfect ordoing things right, because
right and perfect are traps toset you up to fall right into
(20:08):
that toxic failure mindset.
So I hope that you all have agood rest of your day and that
you got something from this.
All right, take care.
Thank you for tuning in toRedefining Us once again and
share with other people so otherpeople can continue to listen to
Redefining Us, and we can getinto more listeners if you
(20:32):
follow us or subscribe or leavea comment or review.
That would be greatly helpfulfor other people to find us, and
also just for me to get somefeedback.
What do you guys want to hear mesay?
What do you women care abouthere?
I'm totally Open to bringing onguests and talking about topics
that are unique and inspiring toeveryone.
(20:54):
So please let me know.
And this year, hopefully, it'llbe full of a lot of community
building, a lot of publicspeaking, a lot of resource
sharing.
So I really encourage you tofollow us on social media at
Wellminded Counseling onInstagram as our handle, as well
as going directly to ourwebsite, wellmindcounseling.com
(21:15):
backslash redefining Python us,so you can be in the know with
all the things that arehappening in the Redefining Us
community.
Once again, thank you so muchfor listening and keeping
awesome.
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