March 12, 2024 • 39 mins
Billy Lahr is a mindfulness and meditation teacher who splits his time between the USA and Seoul (South Korea) where he's built a thriving expat community.
In this episode Billy shares the joy of mid-career reinventions, we celebrate the serendipitous nature of life, sharing chance encounters, and the potent synergy of saying 'yes' to life's offerings.
Find Billy on LinkedIn
https://www.linkedin.com/in/billylahr/
Listen to his Mindful Midlife Crisis podcast
https://www.mindfulmidlifecrisis.com/
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I hope our conversation inspires you to rediscover connection in your personal or professional life.
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✨Shelley
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Here's what we're going to do now.
You're going to take three tofive minutes.
When you sit down and activateall five senses, you're going to
feel the heat of the steamcoming off the cup.
You can do that for one minuteand then to just smell the aroma
of that flavor of that coffee,just take that in Notice, the
(00:25):
different notes of smell thatare in there.
Do that for a minute.
You take a look at the colorbefore you even drink it.
Now we're taking a look at thecolor, look at the swirls.
What are you noticing?
What do you notice about thecup?
What do you notice about howyou are holding it?
(00:45):
And, without judgment, you'renot holding coffee right or
wrong.
So what do you notice about howyou hold it?
Because you've probably beenholding that cup the same way
your entire life.
So being present with that andthen savoring the flavor,
savoring the heat when you drinkit, when it hits your lips,
(01:08):
when it goes on your tongue, andjust being present with those
first three, four, five sips.
And now you've just taken threeto five minutes to be present
with your coffee and youprobably never thought that
coffee could be so enjoyable, soflavorful.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Hello, this is Rediscovering Connection with me
, shelley Keridwen, and I'm heretoday with Billy Lair, who's a
mindfulness and meditationteacher and coach based in Seoul
in South Korea.
Welcome, billy, how are you?
Doing well Thank you for havingme today.
(01:53):
Well, I'm very intrigued todelve into the life of Billy
Lair.
I know you're kind ofinterested in people's midlife
stage, which definitely spoke tome.
I'm kind of there.
I'm a kind of mid-careerprofessional taking a break,
going back to university andreally changing the course of my
(02:16):
existence.
So, yeah, I'd love to know alittle bit about you and what's
really been the pivotal point inthis, bringing you to what
you're doing today and howyou've been called to serve.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Yeah.
So I worked in education for 21years.
I was an English teacher for 15, and I was a dean of students
for six.
And nobody likes the dean ofstudents.
The dean of students is alwaysdelivering bad news to parents,
to teachers, to students.
You're just always the bad guy.
And I didn't relish in that, Idid not enjoy doing that.
(02:55):
That just wasn't that.
Just that didn't feel good tome.
And I know that I feel lucky.
I know that helping peoplenavigate the complexities and
possibilities of life is mymeaning.
So what's the tool for that?
For 21 years it was.
It was education.
So 15 as an English teacher,six as a dean.
(03:16):
But I used to have a dog andthat dog crossed the rainbow
bridge in April of 2020.
And I had told myself that whenthat dog passed away, that I
was going to take a leave fromeducation because I'm not
married, I don't have kids, Idon't have the same
responsibilities as everybodyelse has.
So I have been on this two yearodyssey, two and a half year
(03:42):
odyssey, since 2021.
And mostly the first year wasabout just traveling, finding
adventure.
But when I got to Seoul inApril of 2022, I met this group
of people and it really haschanged the course of my life.
So now during the spring andthe fall I go back to Seoul.
(04:06):
I guess I'm I'm from the UnitedStates, so maybe that's where
I'm based out of, but I kind ofsplit my time between the United
States and Seoul and thenwherever else I can get to.
And what I have learned morethan anything is the the power
(04:26):
of your community and the powerof your crew and the power of
your network to open up variousopportunities.
And just having thisconversation with a friend of
mine last night that I feel sofortunate that when I come back
to Seoul, the connections that Ihave made really just open up
(04:49):
these opportunities and theycome, they just sort of find me
and even after this interview, Ihave what very well could be a
life changing opportunity.
So it's just like, oh, I feelreally connected here and I feel
like the people that I have methave provided me an opportunity
(05:11):
to live out loud, which issomething that, as a Dean, I
don't think I had an opportunityto do, because it's supposed to
be this face of seriousness,this face of, of discipline, and
da, da, da, da, da.
And though those things haveserved me well consistency and
discipline and structure androutine.
There was a sense of joy andfun that was missing during that
(05:37):
time, and even, I think, in thefirst year that I was traveling
, though I was having theseamazing adventures, I was still
carrying the weight of whateverthe whatever, I guess, little
tea trauma I had experienced asa Dean, just from being the bad
guy all the time and having thatresult in some pretty heavy
(06:00):
social media harassment, inwhich I had to eventually
involve the police in order todeal with.
And now here I am as amindfulness and meditation
teacher, and the reason why Ichose mindfulness and meditation
is because 10 years ago, I wasintroduced to this by my
therapist, mindy Ben Dixon, andI often say that mindfulness not
(06:25):
only changed my life, but itmost likely saved it as well,
because I was really strugglingwith anxiety and that was
manifesting into depression, andwho knows what that would have
turned into.
So I thought to myself man, ifmindfulness has this much of an
impact on a nut job like me, itmust be.
It must have some profoundimpact on other people as well.
(06:50):
And one of the nicest thingsanyone has ever said to me is
Billy, what I like about you iswhen you're excited about
something, you want everybodyelse to be excited about it too.
And I, like I said, my missionis to help people navigate the
complexities and possibilitiesof life's second half.
And I've moved from justpeople's life to life's second
(07:10):
half at this point because Ilike focusing on the midlife,
because that's where I am andthis is kind of where this big
transition has come in.
And some people will say I'msurprised that you meditate,
because you're kind of a spazand I'm like, exactly, I
meditate so that I can be thislevel of obnoxious, because if I
didn't meditate I'd be an outof control a-hole.
(07:32):
So that is why I have come topractice meditation and I like
working with people who havesort of that same energy as me
to help them recognize that hey,there is a way for you to hit
the pause button so that we canbe less impulsive and reactive
and actually respond tosituations.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Beautiful.
There was a couple of things inthere that really spoke to me,
so one of them was you talkingabout living life out loud, and
something that I'm just comingto is that, when social media is
the default for our socialinteractions, that's almost
(08:19):
distracting us from our solepath.
We're not living life out loud,we're not out there feeling
into the serendipity of life.
I'm going to give you a littleexample.
On Sunday I was dropped off todo yoga and my partner continued
on the car, took the kidsswimming.
(08:39):
Yoga was not on, so I was likeah, my partner did not have his
phone.
I called a couple of friends.
They were not available, so Iwas like and then this girl came
by and I was like is there anychance you're going to be
driving near here?
And she's like I'm not, but I'mhappy to take you.
And it turns out that she was arealtor and she's invited me to
(09:02):
this like 100 women that careevent at the golf club next week
.
I'm going to invite her to anevent on Friday.
I'm like this is beautiful.
This is living life out loud,right.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Yeah, that's so incredible and I feel like I
have situations like that inSeoul as well, more so than I
ever did in the States, and Ifeel like because I have a
bigger personality here, but Ialso have learned how to reign
that in so that it's notboisterous and obnoxious, that
(09:40):
it's actually energy filled andthat it's that it's palpable
within a room and yet notoverbearing in a room, so that I
love situations like that whereyou just I mean you kind of say
to somebody you take a healthyrisk and you're like the worst
they can say is no.
(10:01):
But what happens if they sayyes and that was something that
my dad always taught me was justlike, listen, the worst anyone
can ever say is no, so you mightas well just ask and I'm not
somebody who has a hard timeasking people for help.
I'm like I'm very comfortablesaying hey, I don't know how to
do this.
Anyone, can somebody help me?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
And I know what.
I bet people are so happy tohelp, because that is that is
part of the science say that weneed to feel needed and if you
can do a good deed for someoneelse like it's quite hard to
think of what good deed could Ido today?
So if someone's literallyasking, then that's almost
helping that person to fulfillthat human need to give.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Yeah, agreed, agreed, and you know, I just think I
think about just how we, how wereciprocate and how we
reciprocate value, especiallyright, so that we're not just
take, take, taking.
And you know, listen, if youcall me up and say, hey, can you
help me move, I'm probablygoing to find an excuse so I
(11:06):
don't have to help you move.
But if you need to have aconversation like I'm really
struggling with something, canyou help me process through that
, yeah, that's, I'm all aboutthat.
I will.
I will be that person.
Call someone else if they need,if you need to move, but call
me if you're having a hard timemoving forward in something and
(11:29):
a big decision that you'rehaving.
So I'll help you move in oneway, but I probably won't
volunteer to do it in anotherway.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Yeah, and it's.
It's such a good point becauseI'm I'm in the process of
developing a mastermind based onreciprocity.
So this mastermind, I wantpeople to put in there what,
what they, what they can give,and also what they're looking
for, and then within this group,like, see if there is so.
So you don't necessarily needto be a reciprocal exchange with
(12:02):
one another, but if you can dosomething for one person and
then it can kind of work outlike a circle in that way, I
think that's that's the way forus to really belong and rise and
thrive.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Yeah, agreed.
And to me, I think the one ofmy tenants and coaching is
finding your crew, finding yourcommunity, and, and in doing so,
then you are more opportunitiesopen up for you because people
are willing to amplify yourvoice, or people are willing to
(12:37):
say, hey, I'd like to includeyou in this because I think you
add a lot of value, and that'swhat I'm finding here in souls.
I'm connecting with a lot morepeople who I think are also
looking for a mastermind groupor just a community of coaches
where we can say you know what,let's pool our resources rather
(13:01):
than being it's so competitive,but actually pooling our
resources in a way that liftseach other up but then does more
good in the grand scheme ofthings.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Beautiful, beautiful.
And something else that wascoming to me, talking about you
kind of going back and forth inthe States.
A word that I'm still gettingcomfortable with is nomad.
For some reason the wordnomadic feels comfortable, but I
don't like the feeling of beingthought of as a nomad.
(13:37):
I wonder if those terms havecome to you and if, if, if,
either of those sit well withyou.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
I don't have an issue with any of the terms.
I tell people, hey, people arelike, oh, you're living the
dream, you're living the dream.
But here's the thing If youwant to live my life, then you
have to.
You have to take every aspectof it.
It's not, you can't just cherrypick the good stuff.
(14:05):
And I think a lot of peopleromanticize this digital nomad
life and the reality is itreally can be isolating because
and you also have to get reallycomfortable with having short
term connections you might meetsomebody and they're only here
for a week or a month and youreally develop this bond with
(14:28):
them and then they're gone, andthat that happens frequently
here in Seoul.
A lot of you just have a lot ofvisitors here, but then you
also have people like me who arecoming for an extended stay and
they make these connections andI feel like Seoul has sunk its
teeth into me and that's why Ikeep returning to it.
But then in doing so, I meetpeople here and there, and what
(14:52):
a wonderful thing to have nowfriends globally, anywhere
around the world, and be able tosay, hey, I want to come visit
you.
What a wonderful thing.
But then at the same time there.
You have to balance.
That idea that you're in mylife for a short period of time
is kind of what you know JayShetty talks about.
(15:12):
People come into your life fora season, or really A life for a
season or reason for a lifetime, and I think that seasonal part
is really a challenge and it'sa.
It's almost like a regularpractice of constantly letting
go and and that's difficult I'msomeone who I physically hold on
(15:38):
to people, to relationships.
I'm a minimalist, I don't needa lot, but I need connection, I
need relationships, and so whenyou have added value to my life,
I want to keep you in my life.
And I had a guest on I'm tryingto remember what episode I
(16:00):
think is like episode 949596right around there.
Her name is Jennifer Walton.
She's a dynamo.
I just love Jennifer Walton,but she talked about the fives
and what she means by that isshe meets people and when she
connects with them she makes anintentional effort to stay
(16:24):
connected with them or reach outto them.
At least five times throughoutthe year.
And I love that idea because,though five times doesn't feel
like a lot, it's enough to keepthat person thinking, oh, this,
we're still connected.
It's enough to just to, to sayI'm thinking about you, and and,
(16:49):
and from there, you know, thenyou spark maybe a short
conversation and maybe that justlasts a couple days, but it
sometimes those connections fillus with so much joy and so much
happiness or so much hope or somuch motivation that it propels
us in a new direction.
So let's tell people, keep inmind, just how powerful it is to
(17:14):
send that random out of theblue message to somebody and
just say hey, I was thinkingabout you the other day, how are
you doing?
And it's really that's all theyneed to send.
I was just thinking about youthe other day, how are you doing
?
What's up, what's new with you?
A friend of mine just sent me atext today, a picture that
she's out to.
She's out to dinner withanother friend of mine.
(17:35):
I actually introduced them toeach other.
So so they sent a picture and Iand I'm like, oh, I love this,
because it's two people that Iintroduced to each other and
you're hanging out and youthought to send me a picture,
and it warmed, it warmed myheart, and so it's just those
(17:55):
little things like that.
We always think about bigchanges.
No, it's the little stuff andwe do the little stuff over time
.
That actually is what has thethe biggest impact the.
When we talk about aninvestment, you look at the
stock market.
The stock market goes up anddown, up and down, up and down,
up and down, but it generallygoes up, but it just goes up
(18:18):
incrementally over time.
Some years are good, some yearsnot so much, but over the span
of history, the stock market hasgone up and up and up and up
and up.
So if we do just little thingslike that and invest in
ourselves, we're going to findthat our relationships are
improved, our emotional maturityimproves, our sense of self
(18:42):
improves, and you don't have todo these grand changes is just
finding little ways to tweak anddoing them consistently and
being disciplined about them.
Those are what's going to havethe biggest impact.
So, if you're thinking well,I'm on a journal every single
(19:04):
day.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
No, you're not.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Are you just starting ?
No, you're not.
You're not journaling every day, come on.
But maybe you're journalingonce a week.
Maybe that helps out.
Or maybe you're taking fiveminutes three to five minutes to
just simply be present withyour breath.
You and I did a groundingexercise.
You let up this beautifulgrounding exercise before we
(19:29):
hopped on here and it reallyjust brought me into this
present moment and those littlethings.
Three to five minutes.
You don't have three to fiveminutes?
Yeah, you do, you do.
And if you say to yourself Idon't have three to five minutes
, then you need an hour, becauseyou need to carve out an hour
(19:51):
in order to really examine wherethose three to five minutes are
being leaked out throughoutyour day, where you can be
intentional and you can bemindful, and that's the kind of
conversations that I like havingwith people and just and being
practical, being pragmatic andsaying you do have those three
to five minutes.
(20:11):
Let me show you 10 differenttimes throughout your day where
you can just be present withyour breath.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
And if you still don't believe me, let me know.
Give us a couple of examples oftimes that you encourage people
to sneak those moments in.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah.
So my co-host on the MindfulMidlife Crisis podcast is my
good friend, Matt Hazard.
He is a coffee connoisseur.
He is a coffee connoisseur andI asked him when was the last
time you appreciated drinkingthat coffee that you so
carefully brew?
You have a membership for thatcoffee and it delivers this
(20:53):
brand, this flavor, everythingthat you want.
But what do you do with thatcoffee?
You know, I just make it and Isit down and I drink it while
I'm at work.
Great, here's what we're gonnado now.
You're gonna take three to fiveminutes.
When you sit down and activateall five senses, you're going to
(21:13):
feel the heat of the steamcoming off the cup.
You can do that for one minuteand then to just smell the aroma
of that flavor of that coffee,just take that in Notice, the
different notes of smell thatare in there, Do that for a
(21:35):
minute and so then, when youtake a look at the color, before
you even drink it now we'retaking a look at the color, look
at the swirls, what are younoticing?
What do you notice about thecup?
What do you notice about howyou are holding it?
And, without judgment, you'renot holding it.
(21:55):
You're not holding coffee,right or wrong, but what do you
notice about how you hold it?
Because you've probably beenholding that cup the same way
your entire life.
So being present with that andthen savoring the flavor,
savoring the heat when you drinkit, when it hits your lips,
(22:16):
when it goes on your tongue, andjust being present with those
first three, four, five sips.
And now you've just taken threeto five minutes to be present
with your coffee and youprobably never thought that
coffee could be so enjoyable, soflavorful.
People I don't drink coffeebecause I think it tastes
(22:38):
disgusting.
But I know people are, you knowthey are die-hards about what
kind of coffee they drink.
People spend six, seven, eightbucks at Starbucks for coffee.
I wonder, have you ever reallytruly tasted it?
I just like the flavor of it,Great.
(22:58):
What else do you appreciateabout it?
You can think about.
A lot of work went intodelivering that coffee to you.
Beans had to be harvested, thatstuff had to be packaged, it
had to be shipped.
There's work that people put into deliver that coffee to you,
not just the person who brewedit, but there are other people
(23:22):
far, far away who got that toyou.
Can you take a minute to extendgratitude?
Speaker 2 (23:27):
to them.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
Three to five minutes .
Three to five minutes, andthere you go.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I love it.
Yeah those of you who commuteto work.
You're going to change mycoffee experience.
Thank you, Billy.
What a gift.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Yeah, and people who commute to work.
You probably have three to fiveminutes in your car Before you
get out of the car and walk intothe office.
Just sit in that car for threeto five minutes, turn everything
off and just be present withyour breath.
Simply feel whether youacknowledge the breath in the
(24:04):
abdomen as the stomach expandsand deflates, whether you feel
it in the lungs or whether youfeel the air pass through your
nose, breathing through yournose, and just simply being
present with A, where you feelthat breath, but then B, what
(24:26):
feelings, what thoughts, whatemotions are present, and making
space for them.
As though you are inviting themto dinner and they all have a
spot at the table and you're notsaying to them you're not
welcome here, but you are.
You're saying all of you arewelcome here, because the
(24:46):
reality is, the emotions that weexperience are all on a
spectrum and we can be feelingfear and excitement and joy and
apprehension and disgust all atthe same time, just like there
(25:07):
are clouds in the sky.
So just noting what clouds arein the sky of your mind, that's
a really easy way to do that tooTransitioning from one meeting
to another meeting.
See if you can be intentionalaround not scheduling
back-to-back meetings and saying, all right, once this meeting
(25:32):
ends, I'm going to let my braincool for three to five minutes.
There's brain research thatactually shows the brain scans
and if we take the time to letour brain cool, we are more
receptive and more open to whatis shared with us.
In the next meeting, in thatnext conversation and being able
(25:56):
to say I need a minute, I mightneed three, I might need five.
If you give me those three tofive minutes, I can be more
present, but knowing that, hey,I need those three to five
minutes Because those are foryou.
Eating mindfully is another waythat we can do that, and you
(26:18):
can do the same thing that wedid with the coffee.
I actually let a mindful eatingexercise.
If people wanna listen toepisode 113, I lead people
through a mindful eating andthrough my I do a weekly
meditate and mingle session.
So I record those and I putthose on the podcast.
People can follow along withthat.
(26:41):
So there's all these littlethings.
Those things take three to fiveminutes, but when you do them
multiple times throughout theday, then you're looking at oh,
I now have been mindful 10 to 15minutes throughout my day.
And what you're going to findthen is that they're going to
open up other moments where youcan be more mindful.
(27:03):
And then you're going from 10to 15 to maybe 15 to 20.
And then you're looking at like, well, I wonder how long I can
just simply be present with mybreath, knowing full well that
the mind is going to drift tothe present, or actually drift
to the past or drift to thefuture.
But when that happens, youacknowledge where the mind is
(27:25):
gone and then you bring it backto your breath with patience and
compassion, you make a note ofwhere it went and, rather than
judging yourself for wanderingor for the mind wandering, you
say all right, I'm going tobring my attention back to my
next inhale, and that ismeditation.
(27:48):
Maybe you thought I neverthought of myself as a meditator
simply being present with yourbreath and acknowledging where
you feel that breath and justletting the breath breathe
itself.
Not judging one breath toanother breath, but just feeling
each individual breath.
(28:10):
You may find you most likelywill find that what that breath
is doing is communicating toyour nervous system.
You are safe.
You are safe and it is safe tobe feeling whatever it is that
is coming up right now.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Thank you for sharing .
There's a Pixar movie calledInside Out.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I've heard it, I've never seen it and I keep getting
told to watch it and I need tocheck it out.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
So it's all about emotions and each emotion has a
character.
But I did the Science ofHappiness at Work qualification
through UC Berkeley and DacaKaltner, who led that, was the
advisor on that film.
So it really does go into thescience of emotion.
So even though it's a kidsmovie, it is worth a watch.
(29:02):
And yeah, just thinking aboutthe science of happiness and
about like sprinkling thosethree to five minutes throughout
your day, like people whostrive for a happy life, it's
all about those happy momentsand understanding these little,
bite-sized pieces that you canintentionally sprinkle through
(29:25):
your day, and those littlemoments will all help you to
live a happy life.
But it's practice, right.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Yeah, yeah, it's.
I mean, you're not taking acigarette break, not taking a
smoke break, you're taking amindful break right there.
So if people can go out andhave a smoke, you should be able
to close your office door andsimply be present.
You can take a breath break,and one of those two is
healthier than the other.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
But that's it.
When people do go out for acigarette, they do the breathing
changes, doesn't it?
They change to a yeah.
So, it's like they are having.
So they obviously they'regetting the nicotine here as
well, but they just the changingthe breath.
That's giving them a relieffrom the usual pace.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I never really thought of
it that way that they arechanging the way that they're
breathing, you know, it's justthat they're clogging that
breath with smoke.
So then how do we say, hey, areyou able to do that without the
cigarette, are you able to dothat without inhaling the smoke?
(30:40):
And I'd be curious to see ifsomething like that does have an
impact on helping people quitsmoking.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
Still go for those breaks, but just not with the
same buddies.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I mean, at the end of theday, you know, the breathing is
communicating to our nervoussystem, and if we are breathing
heavy or we're anxious and we'renot aware that we are breathing
has become shallow, thebreathing is communicating to
(31:20):
our brain that we are in danger.
We are in danger, and that isthen activating the amygdala,
the fight, flight or frightresponse.
With mindfulness, what we'reactually doing is we're building
up the gray matter in ourprefrontal cortex which
regulates emotion, and it'sactually cooling and shrinking
(31:41):
the amygdala so that we are lessimpulsive and reactive.
Now do we need impulse and dowe need reaction?
Yes, of course, that's how we'vesurvived as a human species,
but we're not in the same dangerthat our ancestors were
(32:04):
thousands, hundred, thousands ofyears ago.
So, but we put ourselves inthat mind state when we feel
anxious, and so it's just thatreminder that, no, we are safe.
No, we are safe.
And obviously, when we're indangerous situations, it shifts,
(32:25):
but even still, people who arein these challenging situations
are able to.
If they're able to regulatetheir breathing, they might be
able to navigate thosesituations a little bit better.
At the same time, too, there isa need for impulse and there is
a need for reaction.
(32:46):
And I'm not saying that that'salways bad, but I'm saying in
this modern world we need lessof that and we need more
responsive.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
I'm going to change tack a little bit, because when
we initially connected,something that you mentioned was
love languages.
I wonder if there's anything inlove languages that's coming up
for you, particularly inrelation to connection yeah,
(33:21):
either with ourselves or withothers.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
So when I think about love languages, I think about
what Dr Geary Chapman talkedabout.
So for me, I know that myprimary love language is quality
time, followed by physicaltouch and words of affirmation
so both of those are the same.
And then access services thereand gifts is zero.
(33:46):
Don't buy me gifts.
I'm not buying you gifts.
That's not how I express love,that's not how I receive love at
all.
But I think when I think ofquality time, it's why I keep
coming back to soul, because thequality time that I spend with
the people here really fills mybucket and I think kind of what
(34:09):
you're alluding to in terms ofbeing remembered.
I wonder if that's words ofaffirmation.
People are saying, hey, thethings that you have done over
time, I remember that and I justwanted you to know how
meaningful that was to me.
That's really important to me.
That whole idea of people willforget what you did for them,
(34:30):
but they'll never forget abouthow they made you feel.
So those things are important.
But more than anything, I thinkA your awareness of what does
fill my love bucket.
I think that's really important, not only in romantic
relationships but in friendships, but then also at work You're
(34:51):
probably not falling in lovewith your boss or your colleague
.
If you are, you probably needto talk to HR, but what I mean
by that is quality time, doingsomething meaningful, the words
of affirmation.
Are people saying to you hey,nice job.
(35:12):
Or are you being recognized?
Do you feel heard?
Do you feel appreciated, accessservice, people doing nice
things for you?
Are you reciprocating that?
So it's just that kind of stuffthat you become aware of and it
(35:32):
helps you open up to all right,is this need getting met?
And if it's not, is it becauseI'm not recognizing when those
things are happening?
Or do I need a change ofscenery?
Or do I need to seek out ormaybe just spend some more time
(35:57):
looking for those sorts ofthings and appreciating those
kinds of things and, especiallyin relationships, having that
communication with your partnerand maybe once a week just
checking in and saying, hey, didyou feel like your love bucket
was filled this week?
(36:17):
Did you feel like I met yourneeds?
And then communicating, andhere are a couple of needs that
you met and I'm hoping that hereare some things.
These are just some things thatcame up just to bring to your
attention in case, movingforward, you think of it Because
(36:40):
we're not mind readers.
We shouldn't be mind readers.
So how do we then open up thatline of communication through
more awareness?
I think personality profiletests.
There's no science behind them.
There's really no validity tothem.
I think Myers-Briggs is a crockbecause it puts you in a box,
(37:07):
but I do think that there arepersonality profile tests out
there that make you aware ofwhat your strengths, your
weaknesses and your needs are.
This is something that I usewith my clients.
I just tell people listen,there's no scientific basis in
this, but we're going to gothrough it and we're going to
highlight.
Do you agree with this?
Do you disagree with this?
(37:27):
Tell me more about it.
Why do you agree with it?
Why do you disagree with it?
And again, just having thatawareness brings us in tune with
all right, this is sort of mydefault.
This is my default here andthis is where I get the highest
return on investment.
And then this is where I get inmy own way.
(37:48):
So I can do more of this andless of this.
How is that not beneficial tous?
I think about attachment styles,knowing your attachment style,
and no one's saying that it'sthe end.
All be all that.
This is you, or all of thesecharacteristics are you.
(38:08):
But I think just recognizingthat oh yeah, yeah, I see how
that has happened in my life andapplying that to a level of
awareness, and I think thosekind of things are more
scientific than your horoscope.
So looking at those types ofthose assessments and just
(38:35):
seeing, all right, hey, I have abetter understanding of what
makes me tick.
And all of that is just comesback to awareness.
And when we talk aboutmindfulness, that's really what
we're talking about is theawareness of the present moment,
without judgment.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Billy, I'm so sorry, but I've just noticed the time
and I'm going to have to wrap up, but there's so much that I
could keep talking to you for soI've got so many things that I
want to continue talking about,but it's been beautiful to
connect with you.
I've really enjoyed this timetogether.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Yeah, thank you for inviting me.
I really appreciate it.
We can do a part, two, three,four, five, however many you
would like to do it soundswonderful to me.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
Let's do that.
Yes, all right.
Well, enjoy the rest of yourday, your evening, and we will
meet again.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
That sounds wonderful .
Thanks so much, Shelley.
Here's what we're going to do now.
You're going to take three tofive minutes.
When you sit down and activateall five senses, you're going to
feel the heat of the steamcoming off the cup.
You can do that for one minuteand then to just smell the aroma
of that flavor of that coffee,just take that in Notice, the
(00:25):
different notes of smell thatare in there.
Do that for a minute.
You take a look at the colorbefore you even drink it.
Now we're taking a look at thecolor, look at the swirls.
What are you noticing?
What do you notice about thecup?
What do you notice about howyou are holding it?
(00:45):
And, without judgment, you'renot holding coffee right or
wrong.
So what do you notice about howyou hold it?
Because you've probably beenholding that cup the same way
your entire life.
So being present with that andthen savoring the flavor,
savoring the heat when you drinkit, when it hits your lips,
(01:08):
when it goes on your tongue, andjust being present with those
first three, four, five sips.
And now you've just taken threeto five minutes to be present
with your coffee and youprobably never thought that
coffee could be so enjoyable, soflavorful.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Hello, this is Rediscovering Connection with me
, shelley Keridwen, and I'm heretoday with Billy Lair, who's a
mindfulness and meditationteacher and coach based in Seoul
in South Korea.
Welcome, billy, how are you?
Doing well Thank you for havingme today.
(01:53):
Well, I'm very intrigued todelve into the life of Billy
Lair.
I know you're kind ofinterested in people's midlife
stage, which definitely spoke tome.
I'm kind of there.
I'm a kind of mid-careerprofessional taking a break,
going back to university andreally changing the course of my
(02:16):
existence.
So, yeah, I'd love to know alittle bit about you and what's
really been the pivotal point inthis, bringing you to what
you're doing today and howyou've been called to serve.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Yeah.
So I worked in education for 21years.
I was an English teacher for 15, and I was a dean of students
for six.
And nobody likes the dean ofstudents.
The dean of students is alwaysdelivering bad news to parents,
to teachers, to students.
You're just always the bad guy.
And I didn't relish in that, Idid not enjoy doing that.
(02:55):
That just wasn't that.
Just that didn't feel good tome.
And I know that I feel lucky.
I know that helping peoplenavigate the complexities and
possibilities of life is mymeaning.
So what's the tool for that?
For 21 years it was.
It was education.
So 15 as an English teacher,six as a dean.
(03:16):
But I used to have a dog andthat dog crossed the rainbow
bridge in April of 2020.
And I had told myself that whenthat dog passed away, that I
was going to take a leave fromeducation because I'm not
married, I don't have kids, Idon't have the same
responsibilities as everybodyelse has.
So I have been on this two yearodyssey, two and a half year
(03:42):
odyssey, since 2021.
And mostly the first year wasabout just traveling, finding
adventure.
But when I got to Seoul inApril of 2022, I met this group
of people and it really haschanged the course of my life.
So now during the spring andthe fall I go back to Seoul.
(04:06):
I guess I'm I'm from the UnitedStates, so maybe that's where
I'm based out of, but I kind ofsplit my time between the United
States and Seoul and thenwherever else I can get to.
And what I have learned morethan anything is the the power
(04:26):
of your community and the powerof your crew and the power of
your network to open up variousopportunities.
And just having thisconversation with a friend of
mine last night that I feel sofortunate that when I come back
to Seoul, the connections that Ihave made really just open up
(04:49):
these opportunities and theycome, they just sort of find me
and even after this interview, Ihave what very well could be a
life changing opportunity.
So it's just like, oh, I feelreally connected here and I feel
like the people that I have methave provided me an opportunity
(05:11):
to live out loud, which issomething that, as a Dean, I
don't think I had an opportunityto do, because it's supposed to
be this face of seriousness,this face of, of discipline, and
da, da, da, da, da.
And though those things haveserved me well consistency and
discipline and structure androutine.
There was a sense of joy andfun that was missing during that
(05:37):
time, and even, I think, in thefirst year that I was traveling
, though I was having theseamazing adventures, I was still
carrying the weight of whateverthe whatever, I guess, little
tea trauma I had experienced asa Dean, just from being the bad
guy all the time and having thatresult in some pretty heavy
(06:00):
social media harassment, inwhich I had to eventually
involve the police in order todeal with.
And now here I am as amindfulness and meditation
teacher, and the reason why Ichose mindfulness and meditation
is because 10 years ago, I wasintroduced to this by my
therapist, mindy Ben Dixon, andI often say that mindfulness not
(06:25):
only changed my life, but itmost likely saved it as well,
because I was really strugglingwith anxiety and that was
manifesting into depression, andwho knows what that would have
turned into.
So I thought to myself man, ifmindfulness has this much of an
impact on a nut job like me, itmust be.
It must have some profoundimpact on other people as well.
(06:50):
And one of the nicest thingsanyone has ever said to me is
Billy, what I like about you iswhen you're excited about
something, you want everybodyelse to be excited about it too.
And I, like I said, my missionis to help people navigate the
complexities and possibilitiesof life's second half.
And I've moved from justpeople's life to life's second
(07:10):
half at this point because Ilike focusing on the midlife,
because that's where I am andthis is kind of where this big
transition has come in.
And some people will say I'msurprised that you meditate,
because you're kind of a spazand I'm like, exactly, I
meditate so that I can be thislevel of obnoxious, because if I
didn't meditate I'd be an outof control a-hole.
(07:32):
So that is why I have come topractice meditation and I like
working with people who havesort of that same energy as me
to help them recognize that hey,there is a way for you to hit
the pause button so that we canbe less impulsive and reactive
and actually respond tosituations.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Beautiful.
There was a couple of things inthere that really spoke to me,
so one of them was you talkingabout living life out loud, and
something that I'm just comingto is that, when social media is
the default for our socialinteractions, that's almost
(08:19):
distracting us from our solepath.
We're not living life out loud,we're not out there feeling
into the serendipity of life.
I'm going to give you a littleexample.
On Sunday I was dropped off todo yoga and my partner continued
on the car, took the kidsswimming.
(08:39):
Yoga was not on, so I was likeah, my partner did not have his
phone.
I called a couple of friends.
They were not available, so Iwas like and then this girl came
by and I was like is there anychance you're going to be
driving near here?
And she's like I'm not, but I'mhappy to take you.
And it turns out that she was arealtor and she's invited me to
(09:02):
this like 100 women that careevent at the golf club next week
.
I'm going to invite her to anevent on Friday.
I'm like this is beautiful.
This is living life out loud,right.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Yeah, that's so incredible and I feel like I
have situations like that inSeoul as well, more so than I
ever did in the States, and Ifeel like because I have a
bigger personality here, but Ialso have learned how to reign
that in so that it's notboisterous and obnoxious, that
(09:40):
it's actually energy filled andthat it's that it's palpable
within a room and yet notoverbearing in a room, so that I
love situations like that whereyou just I mean you kind of say
to somebody you take a healthyrisk and you're like the worst
they can say is no.
(10:01):
But what happens if they sayyes and that was something that
my dad always taught me was justlike, listen, the worst anyone
can ever say is no, so you mightas well just ask and I'm not
somebody who has a hard timeasking people for help.
I'm like I'm very comfortablesaying hey, I don't know how to
do this.
Anyone, can somebody help me?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
And I know what.
I bet people are so happy tohelp, because that is that is
part of the science say that weneed to feel needed and if you
can do a good deed for someoneelse like it's quite hard to
think of what good deed could Ido today?
So if someone's literallyasking, then that's almost
helping that person to fulfillthat human need to give.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Yeah, agreed, agreed, and you know, I just think I
think about just how we, how wereciprocate and how we
reciprocate value, especiallyright, so that we're not just
take, take, taking.
And you know, listen, if youcall me up and say, hey, can you
help me move, I'm probablygoing to find an excuse so I
(11:06):
don't have to help you move.
But if you need to have aconversation like I'm really
struggling with something, canyou help me process through that
, yeah, that's, I'm all aboutthat.
I will.
I will be that person.
Call someone else if they need,if you need to move, but call
me if you're having a hard timemoving forward in something and
(11:29):
a big decision that you'rehaving.
So I'll help you move in oneway, but I probably won't
volunteer to do it in anotherway.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Yeah, and it's.
It's such a good point becauseI'm I'm in the process of
developing a mastermind based onreciprocity.
So this mastermind, I wantpeople to put in there what,
what they, what they can give,and also what they're looking
for, and then within this group,like, see if there is so.
So you don't necessarily needto be a reciprocal exchange with
(12:02):
one another, but if you can dosomething for one person and
then it can kind of work outlike a circle in that way, I
think that's that's the way forus to really belong and rise and
thrive.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Yeah, agreed.
And to me, I think the one ofmy tenants and coaching is
finding your crew, finding yourcommunity, and, and in doing so,
then you are more opportunitiesopen up for you because people
are willing to amplify yourvoice, or people are willing to
(12:37):
say, hey, I'd like to includeyou in this because I think you
add a lot of value, and that'swhat I'm finding here in souls.
I'm connecting with a lot morepeople who I think are also
looking for a mastermind groupor just a community of coaches
where we can say you know what,let's pool our resources rather
(13:01):
than being it's so competitive,but actually pooling our
resources in a way that liftseach other up but then does more
good in the grand scheme ofthings.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Beautiful, beautiful.
And something else that wascoming to me, talking about you
kind of going back and forth inthe States.
A word that I'm still gettingcomfortable with is nomad.
For some reason the wordnomadic feels comfortable, but I
don't like the feeling of beingthought of as a nomad.
(13:37):
I wonder if those terms havecome to you and if, if, if,
either of those sit well withyou.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
I don't have an issue with any of the terms.
I tell people, hey, people arelike, oh, you're living the
dream, you're living the dream.
But here's the thing If youwant to live my life, then you
have to.
You have to take every aspectof it.
It's not, you can't just cherrypick the good stuff.
(14:05):
And I think a lot of peopleromanticize this digital nomad
life and the reality is itreally can be isolating because
and you also have to get reallycomfortable with having short
term connections you might meetsomebody and they're only here
for a week or a month and youreally develop this bond with
(14:28):
them and then they're gone, andthat that happens frequently
here in Seoul.
A lot of you just have a lot ofvisitors here, but then you
also have people like me who arecoming for an extended stay and
they make these connections andI feel like Seoul has sunk its
teeth into me and that's why Ikeep returning to it.
But then in doing so, I meetpeople here and there, and what
(14:52):
a wonderful thing to have nowfriends globally, anywhere
around the world, and be able tosay, hey, I want to come visit
you.
What a wonderful thing.
But then at the same time there.
You have to balance.
That idea that you're in mylife for a short period of time
is kind of what you know JayShetty talks about.
(15:12):
People come into your life fora season, or really A life for a
season or reason for a lifetime, and I think that seasonal part
is really a challenge and it'sa.
It's almost like a regularpractice of constantly letting
go and and that's difficult I'msomeone who I physically hold on
(15:38):
to people, to relationships.
I'm a minimalist, I don't needa lot, but I need connection, I
need relationships, and so whenyou have added value to my life,
I want to keep you in my life.
And I had a guest on I'm tryingto remember what episode I
(16:00):
think is like episode 949596right around there.
Her name is Jennifer Walton.
She's a dynamo.
I just love Jennifer Walton,but she talked about the fives
and what she means by that isshe meets people and when she
connects with them she makes anintentional effort to stay
(16:24):
connected with them or reach outto them.
At least five times throughoutthe year.
And I love that idea because,though five times doesn't feel
like a lot, it's enough to keepthat person thinking, oh, this,
we're still connected.
It's enough to just to, to sayI'm thinking about you, and and,
(16:49):
and from there, you know, thenyou spark maybe a short
conversation and maybe that justlasts a couple days, but it
sometimes those connections fillus with so much joy and so much
happiness or so much hope or somuch motivation that it propels
us in a new direction.
So let's tell people, keep inmind, just how powerful it is to
(17:14):
send that random out of theblue message to somebody and
just say hey, I was thinkingabout you the other day, how are
you doing?
And it's really that's all theyneed to send.
I was just thinking about youthe other day, how are you doing
?
What's up, what's new with you?
A friend of mine just sent me atext today, a picture that
she's out to.
She's out to dinner withanother friend of mine.
(17:35):
I actually introduced them toeach other.
So so they sent a picture and Iand I'm like, oh, I love this,
because it's two people that Iintroduced to each other and
you're hanging out and youthought to send me a picture,
and it warmed, it warmed myheart, and so it's just those
(17:55):
little things like that.
We always think about bigchanges.
No, it's the little stuff andwe do the little stuff over time
.
That actually is what has thethe biggest impact the.
When we talk about aninvestment, you look at the
stock market.
The stock market goes up anddown, up and down, up and down,
up and down, but it generallygoes up, but it just goes up
(18:18):
incrementally over time.
Some years are good, some yearsnot so much, but over the span
of history, the stock market hasgone up and up and up and up
and up.
So if we do just little thingslike that and invest in
ourselves, we're going to findthat our relationships are
improved, our emotional maturityimproves, our sense of self
(18:42):
improves, and you don't have todo these grand changes is just
finding little ways to tweak anddoing them consistently and
being disciplined about them.
Those are what's going to havethe biggest impact.
So, if you're thinking well,I'm on a journal every single
(19:04):
day.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
No, you're not.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
Are you just starting ?
No, you're not.
You're not journaling every day, come on.
But maybe you're journalingonce a week.
Maybe that helps out.
Or maybe you're taking fiveminutes three to five minutes to
just simply be present withyour breath.
You and I did a groundingexercise.
You let up this beautifulgrounding exercise before we
(19:29):
hopped on here and it reallyjust brought me into this
present moment and those littlethings.
Three to five minutes.
You don't have three to fiveminutes?
Yeah, you do, you do.
And if you say to yourself Idon't have three to five minutes
, then you need an hour, becauseyou need to carve out an hour
(19:51):
in order to really examine wherethose three to five minutes are
being leaked out throughoutyour day, where you can be
intentional and you can bemindful, and that's the kind of
conversations that I like havingwith people and just and being
practical, being pragmatic andsaying you do have those three
to five minutes.
(20:11):
Let me show you 10 differenttimes throughout your day where
you can just be present withyour breath.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
And if you still don't believe me, let me know.
Give us a couple of examples oftimes that you encourage people
to sneak those moments in.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah.
So my co-host on the MindfulMidlife Crisis podcast is my
good friend, Matt Hazard.
He is a coffee connoisseur.
He is a coffee connoisseur andI asked him when was the last
time you appreciated drinkingthat coffee that you so
carefully brew?
You have a membership for thatcoffee and it delivers this
(20:53):
brand, this flavor, everythingthat you want.
But what do you do with thatcoffee?
You know, I just make it and Isit down and I drink it while
I'm at work.
Great, here's what we're gonnado now.
You're gonna take three to fiveminutes.
When you sit down and activateall five senses, you're going to
(21:13):
feel the heat of the steamcoming off the cup.
You can do that for one minuteand then to just smell the aroma
of that flavor of that coffee,just take that in Notice, the
different notes of smell thatare in there, Do that for a
(21:35):
minute and so then, when youtake a look at the color, before
you even drink it now we'retaking a look at the color, look
at the swirls, what are younoticing?
What do you notice about thecup?
What do you notice about howyou are holding it?
And, without judgment, you'renot holding it.
(21:55):
You're not holding coffee,right or wrong, but what do you
notice about how you hold it?
Because you've probably beenholding that cup the same way
your entire life.
So being present with that andthen savoring the flavor,
savoring the heat when you drinkit, when it hits your lips,
(22:16):
when it goes on your tongue, andjust being present with those
first three, four, five sips.
And now you've just taken threeto five minutes to be present
with your coffee and youprobably never thought that
coffee could be so enjoyable, soflavorful.
People I don't drink coffeebecause I think it tastes
(22:38):
disgusting.
But I know people are, you knowthey are die-hards about what
kind of coffee they drink.
People spend six, seven, eightbucks at Starbucks for coffee.
I wonder, have you ever reallytruly tasted it?
I just like the flavor of it,Great.
(22:58):
What else do you appreciateabout it?
You can think about.
A lot of work went intodelivering that coffee to you.
Beans had to be harvested, thatstuff had to be packaged, it
had to be shipped.
There's work that people put into deliver that coffee to you,
not just the person who brewedit, but there are other people
(23:22):
far, far away who got that toyou.
Can you take a minute to extendgratitude?
Speaker 2 (23:27):
to them.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
Three to five minutes .
Three to five minutes, andthere you go.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I love it.
Yeah those of you who commuteto work.
You're going to change mycoffee experience.
Thank you, Billy.
What a gift.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Yeah, and people who commute to work.
You probably have three to fiveminutes in your car Before you
get out of the car and walk intothe office.
Just sit in that car for threeto five minutes, turn everything
off and just be present withyour breath.
Simply feel whether youacknowledge the breath in the
(24:04):
abdomen as the stomach expandsand deflates, whether you feel
it in the lungs or whether youfeel the air pass through your
nose, breathing through yournose, and just simply being
present with A, where you feelthat breath, but then B, what
(24:26):
feelings, what thoughts, whatemotions are present, and making
space for them.
As though you are inviting themto dinner and they all have a
spot at the table and you're notsaying to them you're not
welcome here, but you are.
You're saying all of you arewelcome here, because the
(24:46):
reality is, the emotions that weexperience are all on a
spectrum and we can be feelingfear and excitement and joy and
apprehension and disgust all atthe same time, just like there
(25:07):
are clouds in the sky.
So just noting what clouds arein the sky of your mind, that's
a really easy way to do that tooTransitioning from one meeting
to another meeting.
See if you can be intentionalaround not scheduling
back-to-back meetings and saying, all right, once this meeting
(25:32):
ends, I'm going to let my braincool for three to five minutes.
There's brain research thatactually shows the brain scans
and if we take the time to letour brain cool, we are more
receptive and more open to whatis shared with us.
In the next meeting, in thatnext conversation and being able
(25:56):
to say I need a minute, I mightneed three, I might need five.
If you give me those three tofive minutes, I can be more
present, but knowing that, hey,I need those three to five
minutes Because those are foryou.
Eating mindfully is another waythat we can do that, and you
(26:18):
can do the same thing that wedid with the coffee.
I actually let a mindful eatingexercise.
If people wanna listen toepisode 113, I lead people
through a mindful eating andthrough my I do a weekly
meditate and mingle session.
So I record those and I putthose on the podcast.
People can follow along withthat.
(26:41):
So there's all these littlethings.
Those things take three to fiveminutes, but when you do them
multiple times throughout theday, then you're looking at oh,
I now have been mindful 10 to 15minutes throughout my day.
And what you're going to findthen is that they're going to
open up other moments where youcan be more mindful.
(27:03):
And then you're going from 10to 15 to maybe 15 to 20.
And then you're looking at like, well, I wonder how long I can
just simply be present with mybreath, knowing full well that
the mind is going to drift tothe present, or actually drift
to the past or drift to thefuture.
But when that happens, youacknowledge where the mind is
(27:25):
gone and then you bring it backto your breath with patience and
compassion, you make a note ofwhere it went and, rather than
judging yourself for wanderingor for the mind wandering, you
say all right, I'm going tobring my attention back to my
next inhale, and that ismeditation.
(27:48):
Maybe you thought I neverthought of myself as a meditator
simply being present with yourbreath and acknowledging where
you feel that breath and justletting the breath breathe
itself.
Not judging one breath toanother breath, but just feeling
each individual breath.
(28:10):
You may find you most likelywill find that what that breath
is doing is communicating toyour nervous system.
You are safe.
You are safe and it is safe tobe feeling whatever it is that
is coming up right now.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Thank you for sharing .
There's a Pixar movie calledInside Out.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I've heard it, I've never seen it and I keep getting
told to watch it and I need tocheck it out.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
So it's all about emotions and each emotion has a
character.
But I did the Science ofHappiness at Work qualification
through UC Berkeley and DacaKaltner, who led that, was the
advisor on that film.
So it really does go into thescience of emotion.
So even though it's a kidsmovie, it is worth a watch.
(29:02):
And yeah, just thinking aboutthe science of happiness and
about like sprinkling thosethree to five minutes throughout
your day, like people whostrive for a happy life, it's
all about those happy momentsand understanding these little,
bite-sized pieces that you canintentionally sprinkle through
(29:25):
your day, and those littlemoments will all help you to
live a happy life.
But it's practice, right.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Yeah, yeah, it's.
I mean, you're not taking acigarette break, not taking a
smoke break, you're taking amindful break right there.
So if people can go out andhave a smoke, you should be able
to close your office door andsimply be present.
You can take a breath break,and one of those two is
healthier than the other.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
But that's it.
When people do go out for acigarette, they do the breathing
changes, doesn't it?
They change to a yeah.
So, it's like they are having.
So they obviously they'regetting the nicotine here as
well, but they just the changingthe breath.
That's giving them a relieffrom the usual pace.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I never really thought of
it that way that they arechanging the way that they're
breathing, you know, it's justthat they're clogging that
breath with smoke.
So then how do we say, hey, areyou able to do that without the
cigarette, are you able to dothat without inhaling the smoke?
(30:40):
And I'd be curious to see ifsomething like that does have an
impact on helping people quitsmoking.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
Still go for those breaks, but just not with the
same buddies.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I mean, at the end of theday, you know, the breathing is
communicating to our nervoussystem, and if we are breathing
heavy or we're anxious and we'renot aware that we are breathing
has become shallow, thebreathing is communicating to
(31:20):
our brain that we are in danger.
We are in danger, and that isthen activating the amygdala,
the fight, flight or frightresponse.
With mindfulness, what we'reactually doing is we're building
up the gray matter in ourprefrontal cortex which
regulates emotion, and it'sactually cooling and shrinking
(31:41):
the amygdala so that we are lessimpulsive and reactive.
Now do we need impulse and dowe need reaction?
Yes, of course, that's how we'vesurvived as a human species,
but we're not in the same dangerthat our ancestors were
(32:04):
thousands, hundred, thousands ofyears ago.
So, but we put ourselves inthat mind state when we feel
anxious, and so it's just thatreminder that, no, we are safe.
No, we are safe.
And obviously, when we're indangerous situations, it shifts,
(32:25):
but even still, people who arein these challenging situations
are able to.
If they're able to regulatetheir breathing, they might be
able to navigate thosesituations a little bit better.
At the same time, too, there isa need for impulse and there is
a need for reaction.
(32:46):
And I'm not saying that that'salways bad, but I'm saying in
this modern world we need lessof that and we need more
responsive.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
I'm going to change tack a little bit, because when
we initially connected,something that you mentioned was
love languages.
I wonder if there's anything inlove languages that's coming up
for you, particularly inrelation to connection yeah,
(33:21):
either with ourselves or withothers.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
So when I think about love languages, I think about
what Dr Geary Chapman talkedabout.
So for me, I know that myprimary love language is quality
time, followed by physicaltouch and words of affirmation
so both of those are the same.
And then access services thereand gifts is zero.
(33:46):
Don't buy me gifts.
I'm not buying you gifts.
That's not how I express love,that's not how I receive love at
all.
But I think when I think ofquality time, it's why I keep
coming back to soul, because thequality time that I spend with
the people here really fills mybucket and I think kind of what
(34:09):
you're alluding to in terms ofbeing remembered.
I wonder if that's words ofaffirmation.
People are saying, hey, thethings that you have done over
time, I remember that and I justwanted you to know how
meaningful that was to me.
That's really important to me.
That whole idea of people willforget what you did for them,
(34:30):
but they'll never forget abouthow they made you feel.
So those things are important.
But more than anything, I thinkA your awareness of what does
fill my love bucket.
I think that's really important, not only in romantic
relationships but in friendships, but then also at work You're
(34:51):
probably not falling in lovewith your boss or your colleague
.
If you are, you probably needto talk to HR, but what I mean
by that is quality time, doingsomething meaningful, the words
of affirmation.
Are people saying to you hey,nice job.
(35:12):
Or are you being recognized?
Do you feel heard?
Do you feel appreciated, accessservice, people doing nice
things for you?
Are you reciprocating that?
So it's just that kind of stuffthat you become aware of and it
(35:32):
helps you open up to all right,is this need getting met?
And if it's not, is it becauseI'm not recognizing when those
things are happening?
Or do I need a change ofscenery?
Or do I need to seek out ormaybe just spend some more time
(35:57):
looking for those sorts ofthings and appreciating those
kinds of things and, especiallyin relationships, having that
communication with your partnerand maybe once a week just
checking in and saying, hey, didyou feel like your love bucket
was filled this week?
(36:17):
Did you feel like I met yourneeds?
And then communicating, andhere are a couple of needs that
you met and I'm hoping that hereare some things.
These are just some things thatcame up just to bring to your
attention in case, movingforward, you think of it Because
(36:40):
we're not mind readers.
We shouldn't be mind readers.
So how do we then open up thatline of communication through
more awareness?
I think personality profiletests.
There's no science behind them.
There's really no validity tothem.
I think Myers-Briggs is a crockbecause it puts you in a box,
(37:07):
but I do think that there arepersonality profile tests out
there that make you aware ofwhat your strengths, your
weaknesses and your needs are.
This is something that I usewith my clients.
I just tell people listen,there's no scientific basis in
this, but we're going to gothrough it and we're going to
highlight.
Do you agree with this?
Do you disagree with this?
(37:27):
Tell me more about it.
Why do you agree with it?
Why do you disagree with it?
And again, just having thatawareness brings us in tune with
all right, this is sort of mydefault.
This is my default here andthis is where I get the highest
return on investment.
And then this is where I get inmy own way.
(37:48):
So I can do more of this andless of this.
How is that not beneficial tous?
I think about attachment styles,knowing your attachment style,
and no one's saying that it'sthe end.
All be all that.
This is you, or all of thesecharacteristics are you.
(38:08):
But I think just recognizingthat oh yeah, yeah, I see how
that has happened in my life andapplying that to a level of
awareness, and I think thosekind of things are more
scientific than your horoscope.
So looking at those types ofthose assessments and just
(38:35):
seeing, all right, hey, I have abetter understanding of what
makes me tick.
And all of that is just comesback to awareness.
And when we talk aboutmindfulness, that's really what
we're talking about is theawareness of the present moment,
without judgment.
Speaker 2 (38:57):
Billy, I'm so sorry, but I've just noticed the time
and I'm going to have to wrap up, but there's so much that I
could keep talking to you for soI've got so many things that I
want to continue talking about,but it's been beautiful to
connect with you.
I've really enjoyed this timetogether.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Yeah, thank you for inviting me.
I really appreciate it.
We can do a part, two, three,four, five, however many you
would like to do it soundswonderful to me.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
Let's do that.
Yes, all right.
Well, enjoy the rest of yourday, your evening, and we will
meet again.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
That sounds wonderful .
Thanks so much, Shelley.
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