November 25, 2024 • 28 mins
A parent from our membership asked me "How can I manage the mental load" and in today's episode, I break down the advice I gave this parent.
We all have a mental load and sometimes it seems like nothing can make it disappear. However, there are ways that we can manage this better and feel less of this burden on our minds.
I share tips from the book Essentialism by Greg McKeown and one study that I found on productivity.
I summarize these 4 changes you can make at the end of the episode but if you need a space to be held accountable, to get support from a community and to get weekly check-ins to see how you are progressing, then don't forget to join our membership called the Reflective Parent Club!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, my dear friend , welcome back to another
episode of the Curious Neuronpodcast.
My name is Cindy Havington andI am your host.
I am a mom of three fromMontreal, canada, and I have a
PhD in neuroscience.
My goal, through Curious Neuron, is to bring you the science
that's relevant to parentalwell-being learning how to
regulate your emotions and howto manage stress, because I
(00:21):
believe that parents right noware truly struggling with
feeling overwhelmed and stressed, and this trickles down to our
kids, and so if we can provideparents with more support, we
can then support their childrenas well.
In today's episode, I want tofocus on a question that I
received.
This was a member inside ourmembership called the Reflective
(00:41):
Parent Club, and I thought thiswas something that you might be
struggling with as well, and sowhy not talk about it?
The question this mom asked washow do I manage the stress of
my mental overload or my mentalload Sorry, not overload.
We feel overloaded, and I thinkthat this is very common in
moms, but dads have it too.
I've had this conversation withmy husband, too, and he has his
(01:02):
own mental load when it comesto finances.
That's not my responsibility.
In our home, we've dividedtasks in a certain way, and so
he will often have periods ofoverload.
However, what seems to happenthroughout the days is I might
have a little bit more overloador load mental load on the daily
tasks because of the work thatI'm doing, and so we have to
(01:24):
speak to each other and supporteach other, or else it does get
overwhelming.
And so, if this is somethingthat you struggle with, I'm
going to be sharing some tips,some insights from research and
some recommendations that I readfrom a book called Essentialism
by Greg McKeown, and I thinkthat there's a lot of really
great insight.
Again, sometimes it'sinformation targeted towards
(01:45):
leaders and people runningcompanies, but as parents, that
is who we are.
We are running a small team, avery small business within our
home.
We are the CEOs of our home,and if we don't know how to be
that kind of leader and createthat kind of work culture and
home culture, then things getreally difficult and
overwhelming for us as parents,and we haven't been offered and
(02:06):
given those skills, which is whyI built the Reflective Parent
Club.
I just feel that there needs tobe a space where we're learning
a lot.
There are books, there arecourses, everybody's.
You know it's accessible, it'seasy.
But now, now what?
What do we do with this?
How do we take the science ofemotional regulation skills, of
emotional intelligence, ofleadership, and combine that
(02:29):
into some sort of experience fora parent so that they can learn
all these skills and apply themin their home and practice them
and hold themselves accountableinside a community and get the
support from the community?
That is the whole point of theReflective Parent Club.
As always, if you are curious toknow and get a peek inside, I'm
giving everybody two weeks freebecause I want you to take that
(02:50):
opportunity to see what'sinside the membership, to come,
join two weekly calls and youknow if there's a guest speaker.
We have one every single month.
Look at our calendar and youcan join that as well.
Do it for free.
Grab your two weeks, because ifyou leave at the end of the two
weeks and you feel that youhaven't started responding to
(03:10):
your child rather than reacting,then maybe this isn't for you.
But I know I've seen thedifference within our parents,
who are now pausing and changingtheir thoughts and being
mindful of moments and gainingcontrol of their emotions in
moments when they would usuallyreact and yell at their kids.
They are noticing this, becausethey've been part of this now
(03:32):
for a few months, and so I knowthat it's going to lead to that.
If you give it some time, butcome check it out, you can click
the link in the show notes andI will see you on Tuesday's call
.
All right?
So before we begin this podcast,I want to thank the Tannenbaum
Open Science Institute as wellas the McConnell Foundation for
supporting the Curious Neuronpodcast.
Without these two organizations, this podcast would literally
(03:52):
not be possible, and so I wouldnot be here speaking to you, and
so I'm grateful that scienceand the communication of science
is very important to both ofthese organizations as it is to
us here at Curious Neuron, andI'd like to thank you, because
without you clicking that buttonand listening every single
Monday, then this podcast wouldnot continue as well.
And so thank you for taking thetime to listen, and if you
(04:14):
haven't done so yet, I trulyencourage you to take a moment
to rate or review the podcast.
Whether you're listening tothis on Spotify or on Apple
Podcasts, there are ways for youto click out and then just
click on.
You know four or five stars,whatever you believe.
It is two, three, four, I don'tknow.
Just take that moment, becausethese are metrics and these
organizations look at metrics.
(04:34):
And it's interesting becausethere was a mom inside our
membership and she's like I'vebeen listening to you for two
years and now I've been part ofyour membership for, you know, a
few months and I still haven'tleft a review.
And I'm really sorry and I saidit's okay, but please do.
It really means the world to me, because without these reviews
and ratings and downloads so youcan also share the podcast
episode if you found it usefulwith friends and family Without
(04:57):
any of these the podcastdisappears.
It's not a threat, it's justthe reality of the consequence
of not having good metrics, andso please take a moment to do so
, all right?
So here's a question.
The mom asked me how do Imanage the stress of my mental
load?
Now, before I begin with my tips, I need to share something that
happened.
So, as you know, a couple ofweeks ago I left to go to Abu
(05:19):
Dhabi.
I had been invited to give atalk on child development and
parental well-being and when Iwas preparing to leave the day
before I was leaving, I wassupposed to leave.
I was kind of like assemblingthe last minute, few little
things that I needed to leave,and it was the simplest thing.
I remember calling my husbandand saying you know what?
(05:39):
I'm missing one thing.
That's the last thing that Ineed in my luggage.
Actually, I want to bring thison my carry-on.
I need little packs ofKleenexes.
And I remember his response.
He was like why do you have torun to the stores before they
close and stress yourself outfor a pack of Kleenex?
And I said well, I mean youknow what if I sneeze, or what
(06:01):
if I need a Kleenex?
And I mean I don't want toleave the house without a
Kleenex on me.
I don't know if this is a momthing.
I mean I grew up with mygrandmother always having some
sort of Kleenex in her sleeve,upper sleeve.
I don't know if it was used ornot, but I, my mom, would do the
same, and you know.
And so I always try to have apack of Kleenex on me.
(06:21):
And he said you see, this isthe problem.
And I said what do you?
What do you mean?
This is the problem.
He's like you were probablygoing through everything that
you have and realized one littlething that you're missing.
And now it's on your mind andas you're running around doing
the last minute things, nowyou're adding that to your mind
and you're stressing yourselfout, right, like you're thinking
(06:41):
about Kleenexes.
He's like we have Kleenexes inthe home.
We have big boxes of Kleenex inthe home and you can just grab
a tissue and and put it in yourpurse, or grab a couple and put
them in a Ziploc, like it's notthe end of the world.
You don't have to go find someat the, you know wherever you
buy them at the last minute andstress yourself out.
(07:07):
And my first reaction was uh, Iwas annoyed.
I was annoyed that what he wassaying made sense.
Um, but it's the way that I dothings.
And so I stepped back and Isaid okay, you know what, out of
the two of us, you're thecalmer one, and so maybe I have
things to learn from you, and soI'm going to, I'm going to
listen to your advice.
And so I did not leave.
I was already out, but I didn'tgo out of my way to go get a
(07:29):
little pack of Kleenex.
And when I got home, finishedpacking my bags and I was
leaving early the next morningand put two little Kleenexes
into my purse, I left for AbuDhabi, came back at the end of
the week.
I left for Abu Dhabi, came backat the end of the week, those
two Kleenexes were still there,and so he was right.
And this made me think.
(07:50):
So, when this mom, you know,shared this question or asked
this question, I thought of thisstory where I was creating a
mental load for myself and hehelped me offload one of my
thoughts.
How many of those exist in myhead right?
How many times do I do that,where I'm creating a mental load
that I can offload in some way,some shape or form, you know,
(08:17):
by speaking to him about it, bywriting it down, by asking for
help from someone?
How often am I doing that?
And so here are some learningsthat I pulled out of the book
called Essentialism, where theyfirst say clarify what matters
most.
And there's somebody I'm goingto share her Instagram account
(08:37):
in the show notes.
I'm going to be bringing herinside the Reflective Parent
Club.
She is absolutely amazing andshe applies what she learned,
also from this book,essentialism, in such a simple
way that all parents can use.
But the first one is clarifywhat matters most.
So what is essential?
What are the or what can youfocus on in terms of activities
that day that align with yourhighest priority goals?
(08:59):
So ask yourself, what is theone thing I can do today that
would have the biggest or makethe biggest impact?
And I know that it soundssimple, but we don't do this
enough.
We power through our days, ourweeks, our months.
We don't step back and itdoesn't take a lot of time to
actually reflect on what is tocome.
What we are practicing withinthe reflective parent club is
(09:20):
Sunday planning, so looking atour week ahead and seeing what
can we reduce, remove, what canwe add to in terms of self-care
and personal activities thattake care of our mental health
and our physical health.
What can we say no to, what canwe delegate?
And we're gaining that habitNow within.
(09:43):
You know what we're learningthrough this book Essentialism.
We're looking at the biggerpicture.
So you can look at your dayevery single day, thinking about
tomorrow.
What is the one thing that Ican do tomorrow, let's say, that
will have the biggest, thatwill make the biggest impact?
Or you can start your day thatway how do you find five minutes
to really sit down and startthinking about your goals and
(10:06):
your tasks?
Because, from my experience,when I do that, things are
easier, and when I don't takethe time to think through my day
or my week, things are muchharder because there is much
more on my mind that I haven'tput on paper.
So the first tip Gregrecommends is clarify what
matters the most.
So you ask yourself what is theone thing I can do today that
(10:28):
would make the biggest impact?
The second thing is say no tonon-essential tasks.
So learn to decline tasks andopportunities that really don't
align with your priorities.
It's creating a space formeaningful work by setting
boundaries, and it's reallyimportant for us to learn how to
do this.
If you are somebody that saysthere's just not enough time,
first of all, there's researcharound time famine and they say
(10:51):
that the impact on your body byjust repeating that there isn't
enough time in a day is asimpactful as being ill
physically ill to your body,because you are putting your
body in constant stress bysaying there isn't enough time.
And so if we can stop sayingthat, if we can kind of look at
our schedule which is what I doon Sundays and I'll look at my
(11:12):
week and say I have too manymeetings, I need to move some to
the week, to the following week, or I need to cancel some or
some of these meetings, asimportant as I thought they were
.
Can I say you know what?
I'm really sorry.
I know we planned something,but my plate's a little full
right now, and so if you want meto join, your free whatever it
is, I'm really sorry but I can't.
(11:32):
So take a moment to look atyour week this way, and
everything that we're saying youcan apply at home or for work
as well.
And here's the other one that Ilike.
So he talks about using this90% rule.
So just imagine that you'vebeen invited to participate in a
new project at work, but you'realso juggling personal
(11:53):
commitments and your mainprofessional goals, and this is
becoming a lot now.
So if you apply this 90% rule,it says that you set a criteria
for evaluation.
So does this project align withmy long-term goals or highest
priority right?
So if it's a different group ofpeople at work and the goals
that you have, your 90 day goals, you know this doesn't really
(12:13):
align with what the work thatthey're asking you to do.
Can you say no?
You know, will it help youdevelop any critical skills that
you need for your own goals.
Will it significantlycontribute to your success or
fulfillment at work?
If you're answering no to these, then this project is probably
something that you need to sayno, to respectfully Decline it.
(12:36):
It's okay, you will disappointsomebody, but in the end, you're
not taking on extra stuff onyour plate that you just can't
manage anyways.
And by taking on extra stuff onyour plate work at home you're
just not going to do everythingat the quality that you want,
and then you're going to bedisappointed, and so learn to
(12:56):
say no and focus on one thing orthe fewer things that you need.
Another habit that we're tryingto implement as well within the
membership is planning time fordeep work, or calm, like
regulating your nervous system,and so this is what Greg says in
his book protect time for deepwork.
So schedule uninterrupted timeto focus on your most important
(13:18):
task.
Treat this time as anon-negotiable, and what we try
to do as this non-negotiable isalso self-care work, and so if
you look at your week and you'relike, you know what Monday,
tuesday and Wednesday are reallygoing to be difficult days, and
so Thursday, before I I don'tknow come back home, I'm taking
half an hour to you know, stayat work and read a book, or stop
(13:43):
somewhere and grab a hot coffeeand just speak to a friend on
the phone.
I'm going to schedule that in,I'm putting it into my calendar.
So there's the deep work, asGreg says in his book.
But I like to look at it aswhere, how can I kind of um,
you're managing your energyright and so how do I fill my
cup, or whatever, just sort ofum.
(14:05):
You know a comparison that youwant analogy it could be a
battery, it could be the cup,but where can I schedule this
within my week?
That is a non-negotiable,because I'm going to need this
time to focus, to relax, to stepback, to walk, to exercise in
order to function properly withmy family and at work.
(14:25):
I need this.
So put those into your week.
Another thing that we put, or wetend to put on our list, right,
so this is something alsothat's interesting.
So when you say you have amental load, is it because you
have just constantly this listof 30 things that aren't getting
done?
There are going to bepriorities, and so can you write
(14:46):
one or one to three priorities,and these one to three
priorities, that might be a lotin one day, and that might be a
month or a week, and so how canyou start breaking this down
into something that's a littlebit more actionable?
So you know again, if you getinto the habit of planning every
Sunday, what are your threepriorities this week?
What are three things?
(15:06):
It could be work home, whateverit is, you can have this system
for home and work separately,but I like to look at it as both
.
And so maybe one week you'relike you know what that closet
has been driving me bonkers andI need to redo that closet
because it's on my mind.
How can I get that off my mind?
Well, set it as a priority.
But there are also going to be,and, as Greg says in his book,
(15:27):
tasks that are in progress andwe tend to put those in our
to-do list or on our to-do listand although they're in progress
, there's something that we'renot going to check off, but we
could check off when we workedon it that day.
And what does working on itthat day look like right?
So, again, if you think aboutthe closet that I just said,
(15:49):
maybe that's a task that you'regoing to tackle on a Saturday
morning and you're like I'm notstopping until that closet is
done.
Or you might say I never havetime on weekends to redo an
entire closet and so I'mbreaking this task down into
small steps.
This week I'm going to do maybethere are four shelves and I'm
going to do one shelf everysingle night.
(16:10):
And so your progress you'regoing to write in your week.
You know, cleaning up thecloset every single day, but
it's in your progress section,not your priority, but in your
progress.
And so you're going to check itoff when you've done a little
bit.
And that's great.
You've done a big, a small partof it, and you just know that
you're going to do it bit by bitas you're moving along your
(16:31):
week.
It's not that one big one daything, but what we do is we put
it on our list and then we do alittle bit.
Right, it could be a Saturdaymorning where we get a little
bit done and then the weekendpasses and we didn't do anything
.
Guess what Monday happens.
We wake up and we're like, oh,I didn't get that closet done, I
only started it.
And then we start, you know,getting upset at ourselves that
(16:53):
we can't get things done, andthen we become really mean to
ourselves.
I'm saying this because I'veheard the parents within our
membership.
I know it, I do it too.
I used to do this a lot more,now and before, sorry, and now
things are different.
We have to be realistic in termsof what we are putting on our
list.
And so what can we do in termsof stating what the priority is
(17:16):
that day, things that are inprogress, and also preparing for
the next day.
What are small, simple thingsthat we can do to prepare for
the next day?
Preparing your outfit, you know, slicing the vegetables so that
they're ready, an onion garlicso that they're ready for
tomorrow.
Very small things that mighttake less than 10 minutes in
total, that you can do at theend of your day to feel like
(17:40):
you've prepared for your day.
Guess what?
Just that is going to make youfeel so good, because you're
going to say, hey, the Cindy oftoday cared about the Cindy for
tomorrow, and it really doesfeel good, it feels great to do
that.
The last thing is one thing thatwe have to be honest with
ourselves.
We have to eliminatedistractions, right, because
(18:01):
it's easy to say, okay, I wroteon my schedule that Saturday
morning I am tackling thatcloset, and then Saturday
morning happens and we'resipping our coffee and we're
like, oh, I don't feel likedoing this, I really don't feel
like doing this.
And then you look at thatcloset and you're like, oh, I
hate you, why are you looking atme?
And then you scroll, you scrollon your phone, and then you
(18:23):
scroll some more and then you dosomething else, and then a
child might need you forsomething.
And then you notice that thereare dishes and so you start
doing the dishes and then, guesswhat, as you're doing all this,
what's nagging?
What's what's in your mind?
It's that mental load of hey,remember that closet, remember
(18:43):
that closet you were supposed toclean out.
Right, it gets stuck on yourmind and that is the mental load
and it consumes us.
It's too much, it takes ourenergy, and so I agree that the
mental load is a lot, but whatare we doing to offload some of
this?
I looked into the research alittle bit because I was curious
(19:04):
to see what they had on timemanagement and obviously I mean
it makes sense.
There was this one study andI'm going to post it in the show
notes that spoke about how timemanagement like when you learn
effective time management itenhances job performance,
academic achievement if you're astudent and overall well-being,
and this is why time managementhas to be something that I
(19:25):
start bringing into theconversation.
It's a skill that I think manyof us really struggle with, and
if you are a parent, that isneurodivergent, if you have ADHD
, then you are somebody thatmight struggle with executive
functions, and so executivefunctions allow you to plan and
organize, and If that'ssomething you struggle with,
then just being mindful of thisis the most important step.
(19:46):
It's the first step, right Tosay, to admit it, to say you
know what Time management issomething that I noticed, I
struggle with, or I startprojects and I never start and I
never finish them, I don'tcomplete them.
I have 1 million startedprojects, whether it's with work
or personal or home, and I justdon't complete them.
Then it's not about if youdon't have ADHD and you just
(20:09):
notice this.
It's not about giving yourself.
You know you don't have to goout to receive a diagnosis, it's
not about that.
But executive functions itselfare something, or skills that
cognitive skills that some of usdo struggle with, and so just
noticing is the first step andthen asking yourself okay, where
can I, how can I support myself, how do I set myself up for
(20:31):
success when it comes tomanaging my time and my tasks?
And this one particular study itwas interesting because it said
personality traits will have astrong impact or influence on
our time management.
Success, and, in addition tothat, overemphasis of time as a
productivity tool can lead tostress and negative
psychological impacts if notbalanced with personal needs.
(20:54):
So what they're trying to sayhere is we can blame time all we
want on not being productive,which most of us do, but that's
going to add to your ill being.
It's not going to support yourwellbeing, and so if you are
somebody that often says there'sjust not enough time this week,
(21:14):
I really, really want you to beconscious about not saying that
, even if it comes up in yourmind.
Notice it, say hi, say hello,and then change that to
something more specific, and youdon't have to say it out loud.
But it could be that you didn'tmanage your time properly today,
or that you didn't talk to yourpartner or your kids about how
(21:37):
much was on your plate today andthat you needed a little bit of
support.
Maybe you didn't say no tosomething that you should have
said no to, maybe you didn't, Idon't know everything that we
spoke about today, right?
So it's truly about taking themoment to look at your day the
night before and to really setpriorities and like what are the
(21:58):
tasks that are in progress andwhat are the small things that I
can do to support me tomorrow?
Really preparing for that isthe way to go about it and so
well outlined in this bookcalled Essentialism.
So here are four take-homeagain sort of tips from this
book, essentialism, that I thinkwe can all apply as parents.
(22:20):
One identify your highestpriority.
So write down the tasks withthe most significant impact on
your long-term goals.
And and you know, that's againbased for work, but what you can
do within your home is onSunday what is what are your
highest priorities this week,right?
Is it, um, making sure thatthere are a certain number of
(22:43):
cooked meals?
Is it making sure that yourchildren do well on an exam that
they have?
Is your priority this week toget a doctor's appointment?
Is your priority this week toget out and exercise two or
three times a week?
What are the priorities thatyou have this week?
And don't put 20 of them, putone to three.
Second, greg talks about wherecan you schedule blocks of deep
(23:06):
work?
You can add that for work ifyou want, but also as a parent.
Where can you schedule blocksof recharging your battery,
regulating your nervous system?
It could be in small blocks of15, 20 minutes.
It could be a nice big block ofan hour if you have that time.
Whatever you can do, don't keepthis information to yourself.
Speak to your partner about it.
(23:27):
Tell them I'm going to needhalf an hour on Thursday or
Wednesday when I come back.
I have meetings all day.
You know the kids have thesports at the beginning of the
week.
I just need that half hour, butyou can put your half hour
somewhere in the week too.
Let's book in a half hour forourselves just to kind of unwind
and, you know, regulate ournervous system and kind of
(23:48):
connect with ourselves before wecome into the chaos of evenings
in our home.
Third, what can you say no to?
What can you say no to thisweek?
And if you take a look at yourschedule that's coming up, maybe
you realize oh, there are twothings there that I could say no
to.
There's a family event that'sreally not needed.
There's an activity, you know,a birthday party that my kid has
(24:12):
Don't really need to go there.
We don't really know them.
I said yes and now I have thisstress on my mind, I'm going to
call and say no.
You don't have to give reasonswhy.
By the way, I think that whensome of us struggle to say no to
somebody, we give them thisreally long-winded reason why we
can't come.
So sorry, I can't come.
This happened, and most of thetime we're lying.
(24:32):
Can we be honest with ourselves?
Sometimes, you know, most ofthe time, actually, we're lying
if we're coming up with anexcuse that's so long and so
just say no, just say I'm reallysorry, I won't be able to make
it.
And if they say why?
Just say I'm really sorry, Iwon't be able to make it.
And if they say why?
Just say I have a few things onmy plate and I really can't
(24:53):
make it this week, so thanks.
Lastly, Greg suggests that webatch low income tasks, and so
what that means is, you knowsimilar tasks that are critical
or less critical activity, sorry, like emails for work.
It could be certain things inyour home, like a 10 minute
cleanup.
Oh, speaking of that, I've beendoing this with my kids and I
have to record a podcast episodeon just this alone.
(25:13):
My kids are cleaning up a lotmore because instead of us doing
it in big batches, we do it insmall batches.
So we have either five minutespeedy cleanups or 10 minutes
beady cleanups, and that whatthat looks like is I give them a
very specific directive of Iput the timer on and in five
minutes I want that section ofthe living room cleaned.
(25:35):
Or, guys, in 10 minutes I wantyou to pick up your room as much
as you can.
Don't just wait for the 10minutes to pass, but in 10
minutes I need you to do as muchas you can.
And they are loving it, theylove the time factor and they
love that it's not the entireroom and I've noticed that
things are cleaner.
So again, batching low impacttasks, and so if it's, um, you
(25:57):
know, uh, I don't know, maybecleaning up your entryway or
putting all the shoes together,that's a disaster.
When you walk into your home orsome part of your house where
you're like, oh, this is just,there's a lot.
How can you batch all of thatand say, okay, I'm going to give
myself 10, 15, 20 minutes,whatever works in your schedule
and say I'm going to do as muchas I can, but put it in your
(26:17):
agenda, in your calendar, yourplanner, whatever it is, so that
it is there and you remember.
Okay, you know we dinner andthen I'm batching 20 minutes of
all these things that are on mymind and I can't get them out,
but I'm going to get them done.
I'm going to get them doneright away so that once the kids
are in bed I don't have tothink about it.
I hope that you enjoyed thisepisode.
(26:39):
I do believe that once we starttaking control a little bit
more in terms of, you know,writing things down and not
seeing it as this ongoing listof tasks, we need to kind of
plan that a little bit better.
It really does help us and thatmental load becomes a little
bit easier.
Nobody can take away the mealsand the cleaning and the kids
(27:01):
and who needs what and preparingthings for their school and
work.
Look, all of that is alwaysgoing to be there.
But what can we start doing sothat it makes things easier for
us?
If you enjoyed this episode,please take a moment to send it
to somebody that you know it'llhelp out.
Send it to a friend, share thiswith your colleagues at work who
are parents.
(27:22):
If you don't know how to shareit, email me info at
curiousnarrowncom.
And if you do leave a review,please send me a screenshot and
this week, if you want, I willgive you our reflective parent
journal.
It's a digital journal that is$30.
I will give it to you for freeas a thank you.
That is how important it is forme for you to kind of leave a
review.
(27:42):
It has to be a review, though,if you want the free and not
just the reading, the review.
So send me an email, info atcuriousneuroncom, and if you
want to come say hi, make sureyou join our newsletter.
You can follow us on FacebookFacebook, yes.
Or Instagram, curiousunderscore neuron and come
inside the reflective parentclub to see how good it feels to
feel supported and to learn howto regulate your emotions, to
(28:03):
react less, to yell less, tofeel more in control of your
inside so that it's reflected oneverything that's happening on
the outside with your child, tofeel more calm and connected.
I will see you next week.
Bye.
Hello, my dear friend , welcome back to another
episode of the Curious Neuronpodcast.
My name is Cindy Havington andI am your host.
I am a mom of three fromMontreal, canada, and I have a
PhD in neuroscience.
My goal, through Curious Neuron, is to bring you the science
that's relevant to parentalwell-being learning how to
regulate your emotions and howto manage stress, because I
(00:21):
believe that parents right noware truly struggling with
feeling overwhelmed and stressed, and this trickles down to our
kids, and so if we can provideparents with more support, we
can then support their childrenas well.
In today's episode, I want tofocus on a question that I
received.
This was a member inside ourmembership called the Reflective
(00:41):
Parent Club, and I thought thiswas something that you might be
struggling with as well, and sowhy not talk about it?
The question this mom asked washow do I manage the stress of
my mental overload or my mentalload Sorry, not overload.
We feel overloaded, and I thinkthat this is very common in
moms, but dads have it too.
I've had this conversation withmy husband, too, and he has his
(01:02):
own mental load when it comesto finances.
That's not my responsibility.
In our home, we've dividedtasks in a certain way, and so
he will often have periods ofoverload.
However, what seems to happenthroughout the days is I might
have a little bit more overloador load mental load on the daily
tasks because of the work thatI'm doing, and so we have to
(01:24):
speak to each other and supporteach other, or else it does get
overwhelming.
And so, if this is somethingthat you struggle with, I'm
going to be sharing some tips,some insights from research and
some recommendations that I readfrom a book called Essentialism
by Greg McKeown, and I thinkthat there's a lot of really
great insight.
Again, sometimes it'sinformation targeted towards
(01:45):
leaders and people runningcompanies, but as parents, that
is who we are.
We are running a small team, avery small business within our
home.
We are the CEOs of our home,and if we don't know how to be
that kind of leader and createthat kind of work culture and
home culture, then things getreally difficult and
overwhelming for us as parents,and we haven't been offered and
(02:06):
given those skills, which is whyI built the Reflective Parent
Club.
I just feel that there needs tobe a space where we're learning
a lot.
There are books, there arecourses, everybody's.
You know it's accessible, it'seasy.
But now, now what?
What do we do with this?
How do we take the science ofemotional regulation skills, of
emotional intelligence, ofleadership, and combine that
(02:29):
into some sort of experience fora parent so that they can learn
all these skills and apply themin their home and practice them
and hold themselves accountableinside a community and get the
support from the community?
That is the whole point of theReflective Parent Club.
As always, if you are curious toknow and get a peek inside, I'm
giving everybody two weeks freebecause I want you to take that
(02:50):
opportunity to see what'sinside the membership, to come,
join two weekly calls and youknow if there's a guest speaker.
We have one every single month.
Look at our calendar and youcan join that as well.
Do it for free.
Grab your two weeks, because ifyou leave at the end of the two
weeks and you feel that youhaven't started responding to
(03:10):
your child rather than reacting,then maybe this isn't for you.
But I know I've seen thedifference within our parents,
who are now pausing and changingtheir thoughts and being
mindful of moments and gainingcontrol of their emotions in
moments when they would usuallyreact and yell at their kids.
They are noticing this, becausethey've been part of this now
(03:32):
for a few months, and so I knowthat it's going to lead to that.
If you give it some time, butcome check it out, you can click
the link in the show notes andI will see you on Tuesday's call
.
All right?
So before we begin this podcast,I want to thank the Tannenbaum
Open Science Institute as wellas the McConnell Foundation for
supporting the Curious Neuronpodcast.
Without these two organizations, this podcast would literally
(03:52):
not be possible, and so I wouldnot be here speaking to you, and
so I'm grateful that scienceand the communication of science
is very important to both ofthese organizations as it is to
us here at Curious Neuron, andI'd like to thank you, because
without you clicking that buttonand listening every single
Monday, then this podcast wouldnot continue as well.
And so thank you for taking thetime to listen, and if you
(04:14):
haven't done so yet, I trulyencourage you to take a moment
to rate or review the podcast.
Whether you're listening tothis on Spotify or on Apple
Podcasts, there are ways for youto click out and then just
click on.
You know four or five stars,whatever you believe.
It is two, three, four, I don'tknow.
Just take that moment, becausethese are metrics and these
organizations look at metrics.
(04:34):
And it's interesting becausethere was a mom inside our
membership and she's like I'vebeen listening to you for two
years and now I've been part ofyour membership for, you know, a
few months and I still haven'tleft a review.
And I'm really sorry and I saidit's okay, but please do.
It really means the world to me, because without these reviews
and ratings and downloads so youcan also share the podcast
episode if you found it usefulwith friends and family Without
(04:57):
any of these the podcastdisappears.
It's not a threat, it's justthe reality of the consequence
of not having good metrics, andso please take a moment to do so
, all right?
So here's a question.
The mom asked me how do Imanage the stress of my mental
load?
Now, before I begin with my tips, I need to share something that
happened.
So, as you know, a couple ofweeks ago I left to go to Abu
(05:19):
Dhabi.
I had been invited to give atalk on child development and
parental well-being and when Iwas preparing to leave the day
before I was leaving, I wassupposed to leave.
I was kind of like assemblingthe last minute, few little
things that I needed to leave,and it was the simplest thing.
I remember calling my husbandand saying you know what?
(05:39):
I'm missing one thing.
That's the last thing that Ineed in my luggage.
Actually, I want to bring thison my carry-on.
I need little packs ofKleenexes.
And I remember his response.
He was like why do you have torun to the stores before they
close and stress yourself outfor a pack of Kleenex?
And I said well, I mean youknow what if I sneeze, or what
(06:01):
if I need a Kleenex?
And I mean I don't want toleave the house without a
Kleenex on me.
I don't know if this is a momthing.
I mean I grew up with mygrandmother always having some
sort of Kleenex in her sleeve,upper sleeve.
I don't know if it was used ornot, but I, my mom, would do the
same, and you know.
And so I always try to have apack of Kleenex on me.
(06:21):
And he said you see, this isthe problem.
And I said what do you?
What do you mean?
This is the problem.
He's like you were probablygoing through everything that
you have and realized one littlething that you're missing.
And now it's on your mind andas you're running around doing
the last minute things, nowyou're adding that to your mind
and you're stressing yourselfout, right, like you're thinking
(06:41):
about Kleenexes.
He's like we have Kleenexes inthe home.
We have big boxes of Kleenex inthe home and you can just grab
a tissue and and put it in yourpurse, or grab a couple and put
them in a Ziploc, like it's notthe end of the world.
You don't have to go find someat the, you know wherever you
buy them at the last minute andstress yourself out.
(07:07):
And my first reaction was uh, Iwas annoyed.
I was annoyed that what he wassaying made sense.
Um, but it's the way that I dothings.
And so I stepped back and Isaid okay, you know what, out of
the two of us, you're thecalmer one, and so maybe I have
things to learn from you, and soI'm going to, I'm going to
listen to your advice.
And so I did not leave.
I was already out, but I didn'tgo out of my way to go get a
(07:29):
little pack of Kleenex.
And when I got home, finishedpacking my bags and I was
leaving early the next morningand put two little Kleenexes
into my purse, I left for AbuDhabi, came back at the end of
the week.
I left for Abu Dhabi, came backat the end of the week, those
two Kleenexes were still there,and so he was right.
And this made me think.
(07:50):
So, when this mom, you know,shared this question or asked
this question, I thought of thisstory where I was creating a
mental load for myself and hehelped me offload one of my
thoughts.
How many of those exist in myhead right?
How many times do I do that,where I'm creating a mental load
that I can offload in some way,some shape or form, you know,
(08:17):
by speaking to him about it, bywriting it down, by asking for
help from someone?
How often am I doing that?
And so here are some learningsthat I pulled out of the book
called Essentialism, where theyfirst say clarify what matters
most.
And there's somebody I'm goingto share her Instagram account
(08:37):
in the show notes.
I'm going to be bringing herinside the Reflective Parent
Club.
She is absolutely amazing andshe applies what she learned,
also from this book,essentialism, in such a simple
way that all parents can use.
But the first one is clarifywhat matters most.
So what is essential?
What are the or what can youfocus on in terms of activities
that day that align with yourhighest priority goals?
(08:59):
So ask yourself, what is theone thing I can do today that
would have the biggest or makethe biggest impact?
And I know that it soundssimple, but we don't do this
enough.
We power through our days, ourweeks, our months.
We don't step back and itdoesn't take a lot of time to
actually reflect on what is tocome.
What we are practicing withinthe reflective parent club is
(09:20):
Sunday planning, so looking atour week ahead and seeing what
can we reduce, remove, what canwe add to in terms of self-care
and personal activities thattake care of our mental health
and our physical health.
What can we say no to, what canwe delegate?
And we're gaining that habitNow within.
(09:43):
You know what we're learningthrough this book Essentialism.
We're looking at the biggerpicture.
So you can look at your dayevery single day, thinking about
tomorrow.
What is the one thing that Ican do tomorrow, let's say, that
will have the biggest, thatwill make the biggest impact?
Or you can start your day thatway how do you find five minutes
to really sit down and startthinking about your goals and
(10:06):
your tasks?
Because, from my experience,when I do that, things are
easier, and when I don't takethe time to think through my day
or my week, things are muchharder because there is much
more on my mind that I haven'tput on paper.
So the first tip Gregrecommends is clarify what
matters the most.
So you ask yourself what is theone thing I can do today that
(10:28):
would make the biggest impact?
The second thing is say no tonon-essential tasks.
So learn to decline tasks andopportunities that really don't
align with your priorities.
It's creating a space formeaningful work by setting
boundaries, and it's reallyimportant for us to learn how to
do this.
If you are somebody that saysthere's just not enough time,
first of all, there's researcharound time famine and they say
(10:51):
that the impact on your body byjust repeating that there isn't
enough time in a day is asimpactful as being ill
physically ill to your body,because you are putting your
body in constant stress bysaying there isn't enough time.
And so if we can stop sayingthat, if we can kind of look at
our schedule which is what I doon Sundays and I'll look at my
(11:12):
week and say I have too manymeetings, I need to move some to
the week, to the following week, or I need to cancel some or
some of these meetings, asimportant as I thought they were
.
Can I say you know what?
I'm really sorry.
I know we planned something,but my plate's a little full
right now, and so if you want meto join, your free whatever it
is, I'm really sorry but I can't.
(11:32):
So take a moment to look atyour week this way, and
everything that we're saying youcan apply at home or for work
as well.
And here's the other one that Ilike.
So he talks about using this90% rule.
So just imagine that you'vebeen invited to participate in a
new project at work, but you'realso juggling personal
(11:53):
commitments and your mainprofessional goals, and this is
becoming a lot now.
So if you apply this 90% rule,it says that you set a criteria
for evaluation.
So does this project align withmy long-term goals or highest
priority right?
So if it's a different group ofpeople at work and the goals
that you have, your 90 day goals, you know this doesn't really
(12:13):
align with what the work thatthey're asking you to do.
Can you say no?
You know, will it help youdevelop any critical skills that
you need for your own goals.
Will it significantlycontribute to your success or
fulfillment at work?
If you're answering no to these, then this project is probably
something that you need to sayno, to respectfully Decline it.
(12:36):
It's okay, you will disappointsomebody, but in the end, you're
not taking on extra stuff onyour plate that you just can't
manage anyways.
And by taking on extra stuff onyour plate work at home you're
just not going to do everythingat the quality that you want,
and then you're going to bedisappointed, and so learn to
(12:56):
say no and focus on one thing orthe fewer things that you need.
Another habit that we're tryingto implement as well within the
membership is planning time fordeep work, or calm, like
regulating your nervous system,and so this is what Greg says in
his book protect time for deepwork.
So schedule uninterrupted timeto focus on your most important
(13:18):
task.
Treat this time as anon-negotiable, and what we try
to do as this non-negotiable isalso self-care work, and so if
you look at your week and you'relike, you know what Monday,
tuesday and Wednesday are reallygoing to be difficult days, and
so Thursday, before I I don'tknow come back home, I'm taking
half an hour to you know, stayat work and read a book, or stop
(13:43):
somewhere and grab a hot coffeeand just speak to a friend on
the phone.
I'm going to schedule that in,I'm putting it into my calendar.
So there's the deep work, asGreg says in his book.
But I like to look at it aswhere, how can I kind of um,
you're managing your energyright and so how do I fill my
cup, or whatever, just sort ofum.
(14:05):
You know a comparison that youwant analogy it could be a
battery, it could be the cup,but where can I schedule this
within my week?
That is a non-negotiable,because I'm going to need this
time to focus, to relax, to stepback, to walk, to exercise in
order to function properly withmy family and at work.
(14:25):
I need this.
So put those into your week.
Another thing that we put, or wetend to put on our list, right,
so this is something alsothat's interesting.
So when you say you have amental load, is it because you
have just constantly this listof 30 things that aren't getting
done?
There are going to bepriorities, and so can you write
(14:46):
one or one to three priorities,and these one to three
priorities, that might be a lotin one day, and that might be a
month or a week, and so how canyou start breaking this down
into something that's a littlebit more actionable?
So you know again, if you getinto the habit of planning every
Sunday, what are your threepriorities this week?
What are three things?
(15:06):
It could be work home, whateverit is, you can have this system
for home and work separately,but I like to look at it as both
.
And so maybe one week you'relike you know what that closet
has been driving me bonkers andI need to redo that closet
because it's on my mind.
How can I get that off my mind?
Well, set it as a priority.
But there are also going to be,and, as Greg says in his book,
(15:27):
tasks that are in progress andwe tend to put those in our
to-do list or on our to-do listand although they're in progress
, there's something that we'renot going to check off, but we
could check off when we workedon it that day.
And what does working on itthat day look like right?
So, again, if you think aboutthe closet that I just said,
(15:49):
maybe that's a task that you'regoing to tackle on a Saturday
morning and you're like I'm notstopping until that closet is
done.
Or you might say I never havetime on weekends to redo an
entire closet and so I'mbreaking this task down into
small steps.
This week I'm going to do maybethere are four shelves and I'm
going to do one shelf everysingle night.
(16:10):
And so your progress you'regoing to write in your week.
You know, cleaning up thecloset every single day, but
it's in your progress section,not your priority, but in your
progress.
And so you're going to check itoff when you've done a little
bit.
And that's great.
You've done a big, a small partof it, and you just know that
you're going to do it bit by bitas you're moving along your
(16:31):
week.
It's not that one big one daything, but what we do is we put
it on our list and then we do alittle bit.
Right, it could be a Saturdaymorning where we get a little
bit done and then the weekendpasses and we didn't do anything
.
Guess what Monday happens.
We wake up and we're like, oh,I didn't get that closet done, I
only started it.
And then we start, you know,getting upset at ourselves that
(16:53):
we can't get things done, andthen we become really mean to
ourselves.
I'm saying this because I'veheard the parents within our
membership.
I know it, I do it too.
I used to do this a lot more,now and before, sorry, and now
things are different.
We have to be realistic in termsof what we are putting on our
list.
And so what can we do in termsof stating what the priority is
(17:16):
that day, things that are inprogress, and also preparing for
the next day.
What are small, simple thingsthat we can do to prepare for
the next day?
Preparing your outfit, you know, slicing the vegetables so that
they're ready, an onion garlicso that they're ready for
tomorrow.
Very small things that mighttake less than 10 minutes in
total, that you can do at theend of your day to feel like
(17:40):
you've prepared for your day.
Guess what?
Just that is going to make youfeel so good, because you're
going to say, hey, the Cindy oftoday cared about the Cindy for
tomorrow, and it really doesfeel good, it feels great to do
that.
The last thing is one thing thatwe have to be honest with
ourselves.
We have to eliminatedistractions, right, because
(18:01):
it's easy to say, okay, I wroteon my schedule that Saturday
morning I am tackling thatcloset, and then Saturday
morning happens and we'resipping our coffee and we're
like, oh, I don't feel likedoing this, I really don't feel
like doing this.
And then you look at thatcloset and you're like, oh, I
hate you, why are you looking atme?
And then you scroll, you scrollon your phone, and then you
(18:23):
scroll some more and then you dosomething else, and then a
child might need you forsomething.
And then you notice that thereare dishes and so you start
doing the dishes and then, guesswhat, as you're doing all this,
what's nagging?
What's what's in your mind?
It's that mental load of hey,remember that closet, remember
(18:43):
that closet you were supposed toclean out.
Right, it gets stuck on yourmind and that is the mental load
and it consumes us.
It's too much, it takes ourenergy, and so I agree that the
mental load is a lot, but whatare we doing to offload some of
this?
I looked into the research alittle bit because I was curious
(19:04):
to see what they had on timemanagement and obviously I mean
it makes sense.
There was this one study andI'm going to post it in the show
notes that spoke about how timemanagement like when you learn
effective time management itenhances job performance,
academic achievement if you're astudent and overall well-being,
and this is why time managementhas to be something that I
(19:25):
start bringing into theconversation.
It's a skill that I think manyof us really struggle with, and
if you are a parent, that isneurodivergent, if you have ADHD
, then you are somebody thatmight struggle with executive
functions, and so executivefunctions allow you to plan and
organize, and If that'ssomething you struggle with,
then just being mindful of thisis the most important step.
(19:46):
It's the first step, right Tosay, to admit it, to say you
know what Time management issomething that I noticed, I
struggle with, or I startprojects and I never start and I
never finish them, I don'tcomplete them.
I have 1 million startedprojects, whether it's with work
or personal or home, and I justdon't complete them.
Then it's not about if youdon't have ADHD and you just
(20:09):
notice this.
It's not about giving yourself.
You know you don't have to goout to receive a diagnosis, it's
not about that.
But executive functions itselfare something, or skills that
cognitive skills that some of usdo struggle with, and so just
noticing is the first step andthen asking yourself okay, where
can I, how can I support myself, how do I set myself up for
(20:31):
success when it comes tomanaging my time and my tasks?
And this one particular study itwas interesting because it said
personality traits will have astrong impact or influence on
our time management.
Success, and, in addition tothat, overemphasis of time as a
productivity tool can lead tostress and negative
psychological impacts if notbalanced with personal needs.
(20:54):
So what they're trying to sayhere is we can blame time all we
want on not being productive,which most of us do, but that's
going to add to your ill being.
It's not going to support yourwellbeing, and so if you are
somebody that often says there'sjust not enough time this week,
(21:14):
I really, really want you to beconscious about not saying that
, even if it comes up in yourmind.
Notice it, say hi, say hello,and then change that to
something more specific, and youdon't have to say it out loud.
But it could be that you didn'tmanage your time properly today,
or that you didn't talk to yourpartner or your kids about how
(21:37):
much was on your plate today andthat you needed a little bit of
support.
Maybe you didn't say no tosomething that you should have
said no to, maybe you didn't, Idon't know everything that we
spoke about today, right?
So it's truly about taking themoment to look at your day the
night before and to really setpriorities and like what are the
(21:58):
tasks that are in progress andwhat are the small things that I
can do to support me tomorrow?
Really preparing for that isthe way to go about it and so
well outlined in this bookcalled Essentialism.
So here are four take-homeagain sort of tips from this
book, essentialism, that I thinkwe can all apply as parents.
(22:20):
One identify your highestpriority.
So write down the tasks withthe most significant impact on
your long-term goals.
And and you know, that's againbased for work, but what you can
do within your home is onSunday what is what are your
highest priorities this week,right?
Is it, um, making sure thatthere are a certain number of
(22:43):
cooked meals?
Is it making sure that yourchildren do well on an exam that
they have?
Is your priority this week toget a doctor's appointment?
Is your priority this week toget out and exercise two or
three times a week?
What are the priorities thatyou have this week?
And don't put 20 of them, putone to three.
Second, greg talks about wherecan you schedule blocks of deep
(23:06):
work?
You can add that for work ifyou want, but also as a parent.
Where can you schedule blocksof recharging your battery,
regulating your nervous system?
It could be in small blocks of15, 20 minutes.
It could be a nice big block ofan hour if you have that time.
Whatever you can do, don't keepthis information to yourself.
Speak to your partner about it.
(23:27):
Tell them I'm going to needhalf an hour on Thursday or
Wednesday when I come back.
I have meetings all day.
You know the kids have thesports at the beginning of the
week.
I just need that half hour, butyou can put your half hour
somewhere in the week too.
Let's book in a half hour forourselves just to kind of unwind
and, you know, regulate ournervous system and kind of
(23:48):
connect with ourselves before wecome into the chaos of evenings
in our home.
Third, what can you say no to?
What can you say no to thisweek?
And if you take a look at yourschedule that's coming up, maybe
you realize oh, there are twothings there that I could say no
to.
There's a family event that'sreally not needed.
There's an activity, you know,a birthday party that my kid has
(24:12):
Don't really need to go there.
We don't really know them.
I said yes and now I have thisstress on my mind, I'm going to
call and say no.
You don't have to give reasonswhy.
By the way, I think that whensome of us struggle to say no to
somebody, we give them thisreally long-winded reason why we
can't come.
So sorry, I can't come.
This happened, and most of thetime we're lying.
(24:32):
Can we be honest with ourselves?
Sometimes, you know, most ofthe time, actually, we're lying
if we're coming up with anexcuse that's so long and so
just say no, just say I'm reallysorry, I won't be able to make
it.
And if they say why?
Just say I'm really sorry, Iwon't be able to make it.
And if they say why?
Just say I have a few things onmy plate and I really can't
(24:53):
make it this week, so thanks.
Lastly, Greg suggests that webatch low income tasks, and so
what that means is, you knowsimilar tasks that are critical
or less critical activity, sorry, like emails for work.
It could be certain things inyour home, like a 10 minute
cleanup.
Oh, speaking of that, I've beendoing this with my kids and I
have to record a podcast episodeon just this alone.
(25:13):
My kids are cleaning up a lotmore because instead of us doing
it in big batches, we do it insmall batches.
So we have either five minutespeedy cleanups or 10 minutes
beady cleanups, and that whatthat looks like is I give them a
very specific directive of Iput the timer on and in five
minutes I want that section ofthe living room cleaned.
(25:35):
Or, guys, in 10 minutes I wantyou to pick up your room as much
as you can.
Don't just wait for the 10minutes to pass, but in 10
minutes I need you to do as muchas you can.
And they are loving it, theylove the time factor and they
love that it's not the entireroom and I've noticed that
things are cleaner.
So again, batching low impacttasks, and so if it's, um, you
(25:57):
know, uh, I don't know, maybecleaning up your entryway or
putting all the shoes together,that's a disaster.
When you walk into your home orsome part of your house where
you're like, oh, this is just,there's a lot.
How can you batch all of thatand say, okay, I'm going to give
myself 10, 15, 20 minutes,whatever works in your schedule
and say I'm going to do as muchas I can, but put it in your
(26:17):
agenda, in your calendar, yourplanner, whatever it is, so that
it is there and you remember.
Okay, you know we dinner andthen I'm batching 20 minutes of
all these things that are on mymind and I can't get them out,
but I'm going to get them done.
I'm going to get them doneright away so that once the kids
are in bed I don't have tothink about it.
I hope that you enjoyed thisepisode.
(26:39):
I do believe that once we starttaking control a little bit
more in terms of, you know,writing things down and not
seeing it as this ongoing listof tasks, we need to kind of
plan that a little bit better.
It really does help us and thatmental load becomes a little
bit easier.
Nobody can take away the mealsand the cleaning and the kids
(27:01):
and who needs what and preparingthings for their school and
work.
Look, all of that is alwaysgoing to be there.
But what can we start doing sothat it makes things easier for
us?
If you enjoyed this episode,please take a moment to send it
to somebody that you know it'llhelp out.
Send it to a friend, share thiswith your colleagues at work who
are parents.
(27:22):
If you don't know how to shareit, email me info at
curiousnarrowncom.
And if you do leave a review,please send me a screenshot and
this week, if you want, I willgive you our reflective parent
journal.
It's a digital journal that is$30.
I will give it to you for freeas a thank you.
That is how important it is forme for you to kind of leave a
review.
(27:42):
It has to be a review, though,if you want the free and not
just the reading, the review.
So send me an email, info atcuriousneuroncom, and if you
want to come say hi, make sureyou join our newsletter.
You can follow us on FacebookFacebook, yes.
Or Instagram, curiousunderscore neuron and come
inside the reflective parentclub to see how good it feels to
feel supported and to learn howto regulate your emotions, to
(28:03):
react less, to yell less, tofeel more in control of your
inside so that it's reflected oneverything that's happening on
the outside with your child, tofeel more calm and connected.
I will see you next week.
Bye.
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