March 24, 2025 • 30 mins
Ever caught yourself rattling off an endless list of reminders to your partner before they take the kids somewhere? "Don't forget snacks, water bottles, jackets..." Sound familiar? In this illuminating episode, I share a personal revelation that transformed my understanding of parenting partnerships.
The awakening came when my mother called with a simple request—take my grandmother to her hair appointment—but followed with an exhaustive list of instructions. As frustration mounted within me ("Does she think I'm incompetent?"), I suddenly recognized this same pattern in my own behavior toward my husband. This moment of clarity prompted an immediate apology and deeper reflection on how our well-intentioned reminders can actually undermine our partners.
The episode explores practical approaches to healthier communication: setting clear goals before difficult conversations, being mindful about how we begin discussions (as this predicts how they'll end), and creating safe spaces for honest dialogue. By shifting from "do this, don't forget that" to "do you have any questions?" we honor our partners' competence while still addressing needs.
This isn't just about smoother partnerships—it's about modelling healthy relationship skills for our children. When they witness parents communicating with respect and allowing space for mistakes and learning, they absorb these patterns for their own relationships.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, my dear friend , welcome to the Reflective
Parenting Podcast.
My name is Cindy Huffington andI am your host.
This used to be the Kirsten Ronpodcast.
It is the same podcast, but Ijust felt that it felt right to
move towards the type ofparenting style that we have
been creating for years here atKirsten Ron, and that is putting
the power and control back intoyour hands.
(00:22):
I want to make sure that allparents are moving forward with
confidence and nurturing theirwell-being and remembering that
their well-being, their needs,are not just important as
parents, but even more importantnow.
So if you are a parent thatoften searches for information
on how to best parent your child, maybe you feel a little bit
(00:44):
lost in what your style is.
Maybe you are reading a lotabout positive parenting and
trying it out, yet your child'sstill having lots of big
emotions and so you think likeyou might not be doing well, or
you might even think that you'refailing at this whole positive
parenting thing.
Then you are at the right place.
If you are new here to thefamily of Curious Neuron in
(01:06):
general and new here at thepodcast, then welcome.
I want to make sure that thisis not your typical parenting
podcast.
I will not tell you how toparent your child, but I will
share the science with you andshare how I, as a mom of three
neuroscientists, am using thescience in my home so that you
can learn how to best parentyour own child, remembering that
(01:26):
you have your own needs andmaking sure that you nurture
those needs, and that is thekind of parenting style that I
refer to as reflective parenting.
So welcome.
If you haven't done so yet,please make sure that you
subscribe to the podcast.
Click on that button, becausethose are very important metrics
.
The more people that click onsubscribe, you will get that
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(01:50):
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Take three seconds if you justwant to click on how many stars.
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Those are also metrics that arevery important to the algorithm
(02:13):
, and the reason why those aretwo important things is because
it allows me to get the fundingthat I need in order to keep the
podcast going.
It's not to fund me.
Keep the podcast going, it'snot to fund me.
It's to fund the team that islooking for articles for you,
that is reviewing the articlesfor you, both here and on
CuriousNeuroncom.
That is the team that I need.
I need the editors, I need thevideo editor that's going to put
(02:36):
the videos up on YouTube thatyou can watch it if you feel
like watching the video, not forthe solos, but for the
interviews, so that you canwatch it on YouTube.
So all of that is what I needto keep this podcast going.
And so, if you don't want tolet the podcast go and I know
you don't, because when I wrotean email a couple of weeks ago
or two weeks ago and saidgoodbye, kirsten, on podcast
(02:56):
because I had switched it to theReflective Parenting podcast I
received some emails fromparents that were like what are
you doing?
Don't stop the podcast.
So I hope that those parents ifthat was you that sent me one
of those emails.
I hope that you're subscribedand you have left either a
rating or a review.
You can follow Curious Neuron onInstagram at curious underscore
neuron.
Or, if you don't care about thebig picture of what we do at
(03:18):
Curious Neuron.
You can follow the ReflectiveParenting Podcast on Instagram
as well, and I'd like to thankthe Tannenbaum Open Science
Institute as well as theMcConnell Foundation, two
organizations that believe inthe importance of sharing
science, as we do here atCurious Neuron, and so thank you
to both of these organizationsfor sponsoring the podcast.
So, if you are new, I am a momof three.
(03:40):
I have a PhD in neuroscience.
I'm based in Montreal, canada,hence the small French accent
that I hear and that I wasstruggling to, you know, publish
a podcast many years ago nowbecause of this accent.
That really bothered me, butnow I've become accustomed to it
and I'm okay now recording apodcast Things that happen over
time right when you practice andyou're more comfortable with it
(04:02):
.
I also get so many emails frompeople who say that they like my
voice, so thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
All right, so today's a solopodcast, and something happened
to me that made me realize Ithink I needed to.
I need to talk about this withyou.
I need to share this with youso that maybe, if you are
experiencing this in your home,maybe it's going to shed some
light and help you gain a newperspective.
(04:24):
So if you often feel like youare either a partner that is
telling your partner or spousedo this, do that, don't forget
this when you go out with thekids, bring this, bring that and
don't forget this, or if you'reon the receiving end of this,
where your partner is tellingyou all of the above, if this is
a situation that often happensin your home, then this podcast
episode is for you.
All of the above.
(04:44):
If this is a situation thatoften happens in your home, then
this podcast episode is for you.
And if you know friends thatare going through the same thing
because you talk to each otherabout it, then please share this
episode with them.
You can share any episode of theCurious Nouron podcast oh, no,
not the Curious Nouron podcast.
You can share any episode ofthe Reflective Parenting podcast
, and you can do this whetheryou're listening to it on
Spotify or on Apple Podcasts.
(05:06):
In fact, share it in parentinggroups, share it in a work
newsletter I know that some worknewsletters because I've been
told there's a little space forinformation and if you want to
share the Reflective ParentingPodcast, if you need a graphic,
if you need something from me,the link, and you're not sure
how to get it.
Send me an email at info atcuriousnawncom.
(05:30):
And if you leave a review, bythe way, you can send me an
email and I will send you thefree Meltdown Mountain PDF,
which is available to purchaseon our website, but you can get
it for free.
There's also a freebie in theshow notes.
If you are somebody that reallystruggles with triggers, get
that freebie in the show notes.
And if you need some supportand you're listening to all this
today and you say you know whatI really do struggle with
coping with my emotions.
I don't know how to regulate Ieither yell and lash out or I
(05:51):
suppress my team of graduatestudents.
We've taken everything aroundemotional intelligence,
self-awareness, self-regulation,parental awareness, which is
actually called social awarenessin research, but we've altered
(06:11):
it and tailored it to you as aparent.
And then there's relationshipmanagement.
These are the four domains thatwe cover inside the Reflective
Parenting Club, and you get tomeet with me every single week
to work through the strugglesthat you are having.
So the link for that as well isin the show notes.
All right, so here's thesituation that happened so a
couple weeks ago.
So my grandmother is in aretirement home, as many of you
(06:34):
know.
It's been over a year now, andmy mom and my uncle they
alternate turns who's going togo see her and spend some time
with her, who's going to helpher out?
And something had happened, andso it was my mom's turn to help
her to go to the retirementhome, to bring my grandmother to
her haircut appointment at thathome.
So we didn't need to leave thebuilding.
(06:55):
So my mom called me and saidlook, I'm really stuck.
Can you help me please and gosee her this tomorrow afternoon
and bring her to her hairappointment?
I said not a problem.
And although it should haveended there, or perhaps one or
two pieces of information, itled to something that gave me
that moment of realization.
So my mom said okay, don'tforget, there's a code for the
(07:19):
elevator.
Here's the code.
Fine, I needed that.
And then she said they onlytake cash, so make sure you
bring cash with you.
No problem, that was great, Ineeded that information.
Then she said make sure thatgrandma doesn't have her
slippers on to go downstairs.
Make sure she has her shoes on,okay.
And then she said make sure thatgrandma isn't wearing her
(07:39):
pajama, because sometimes when Ivisit her she forgets to change
.
My grandmother has dementia, soshe forgets to change from her
pajama to everyday clothing.
They don't tell her to change,they just let her stay in her
pajamas.
But if she's going for a hairappointment, please make sure
she has her clothes.
And if she is wearing herclothes, make sure that at
breakfast or at lunch time shedidn't spill any food on her
(08:00):
clothes.
So make sure it's not soiled ordirty.
And if it is, please help herchange into new clothes.
Okay, and then she said makesure you don't forget to give a
tip to the lady I give this much.
Make sure grandma has herhearing aid on.
And the list goes on and on.
There was a point where I was,you know, listening and saying,
(08:20):
and then I noticed my thoughtschanged.
My thoughts changed from takingdown notes and remembering what
my mom is saying to me to doyou think I'm incompetent?
Why are you giving me so muchinformation?
Do you actually think that as agrown adult, I would see like a
spaghetti stain or somethingstain on my grandmother's shirt
(08:41):
and I would say, oh well, whocares, let's go down.
In the end I might put asweater on top of her?
I might, but I understand that.
Number one.
Do you think, number two, thatI would actually let grandmother
go all the way downstairs withsocks or with slippers or
whatever it is?
I always, when I visited her,before I put on her shoes, I
help her put on her shoes and wego for a walk.
I've never let her in herslippers.
(09:03):
Also, number three, don't youknow that I go to the
hairdresser?
I know that we leave tips.
I understand the concept ofgoing to a hairdresser and so,
after she finished talking to me, I didn't get mad at her
because, as I had these thoughtsin my head, this is where
emotion, regulation comes in,and emotional intelligence.
I knew that it was coming froma good place.
(09:24):
It wasn't removing the factthat I was getting really
annoyed, because it was givingme the feeling of incompetence,
because you're giving me so manydetails that you normally
wouldn't give an adult, becauseit's logical thinking, but it
was coming from a good place,and so that's what emotional
regulation is, or emotionalintelligence.
It's almost having thatconversation of this person is
coming from a good place.
(09:45):
They are not trying to bedemeaning or dismissive or, you
know, shame you in any way ormaking you feel like a child.
That was not her intention, butit was still.
I can.
I can still allow myself tofeel like, wow, I'm not.
I don't enjoy this feeling.
I know exactly what I need todo.
I don't need all thisinformation.
I don't know if you see whereI'm going with this yet, but
(10:08):
after I hung up with my mom, Iwent downstairs, I hugged my
husband and I said I'm so, sosorry.
And he just looked at me andsaid what happened.
And I said I had a moment withmy mom that led to a realization
of something that I tend to dowith you and it doesn't come
from a bad place.
But if it's happening over andover again and it's giving you
(10:30):
the feeling that I just got,then I would be really annoyed.
If I were you and I explainedto him what happened with my mom
and then I said I saw theparallels being drawn in my mind
of when you are leaving withthe kids and I say don't forget
some snacks, don't forget somewater, make sure their shoes are
tied.
I'm exaggerating, but it'sstill an example of how I just
(10:54):
go through the list of thingsthat are on my mind.
So that's my personal intention.
When I'm leaving, I have thishuge list of things on my on my
mind, right the bag, whatever,wherever it depends where we're
going, right, if it's a a sportsevent, if it's off to grandma
and grandpa's house.
Do you have the little schoolbag?
Do you have this?
Do you have that?
In the end, all of those thingsactually don't matter.
(11:15):
So I don't know if you rememberthe story I had told you a long
time ago about the pack ofKleenex, where my husband was
(11:36):
like do we really need tooverthink what we bring with us
In the end, if we need somethingin that laundry list?
Somewhere in many, perhaps manyplaces on that list of things
to do are things that might makethe other person feeling
competent.
Do you really think you need totell me to tie my child's shoes
?
And although it's coming againfrom a good place, I think that
if you recognize this inyourself and we spoke about this
(11:59):
last week inside the ReflectiveParent Club I shared this
example with them and some ofthe parents mostly the moms that
were there said I fall intothat.
I have done that many times andI see the irritation on my
partner's face and I still gothrough the list, because that's
the list that's on my mind.
So what I want because we arereflective parents here at
(12:20):
Curious Neuron what I want isfor you to catch yourself in
that next moment that thathappens, the next time where you
can hear yourself giving yourpartner and I don't think it
might be more common for moms todo this with their partners,
but maybe dads do this too, whoknows but I do know that from
the parents inside theReflective Parent Club.
(12:41):
The moms were saying that theyfeel like they do this.
But I know that as moms, and asa mom myself, I know that we
often give ourself a really longlaundry list of things to do
before we leave the house, andso the first thing is am I
adding extra stress to myselfwhen I'm leaving the home?
Is it the end of the world ifevery child doesn't have a water
(13:03):
bottle, or if we have oneinstead of three?
Is it the end of the world if Idon't bring snacks for a
20-minute errand?
Is it the end of the world if Idon't bring their school bag to
grandma and grandpa's house andall they have are a pack of
crayons that I left at grandmaand grandpa's house and they're
going to have to figure out whatto do with blank paper and
crayons.
What are we?
What kind of pressure are weplacing on ourselves?
(13:26):
Number one that we could kindof minimize a little bit so that
it removes the pressure onourselves when we're leaving the
home or doing an activity ordoing something with the kids.
The second thing is when wenotice ourselves in this moment
with our partners, can we catchourselves and just pause right?
The art of the pause, thebeauty of the pause is it allows
(13:47):
us to reflect.
And so, if you're going throughthis list of things to do, can
you stop yourself at one momentand say, oh, I'm really sorry, I
was just going through the listthat I have on my mind, but
maybe your list is different,maybe your way of going about
this is different.
Do you have any questions?
You are bringing the kids thetwo kids to soccer today, and
(14:09):
usually I do it.
Do you have any questions?
And there may be two or threethings that I just don't want
you to forget.
I'm going to say it, notbecause I think you're
incompetent or that you won'tfigure it out, I just need to
get it off my mind.
Can we, as couples start havingmore of these discussions, these
reflective parenting questions,in the sense that we are more
aware, we are self-aware, weregulate our emotions, we have
(14:33):
the social skills to say okay,I'm so sorry, I didn't even
realize what I was saying andhow I was saying it, that it was
leading to you feelingincompetent.
I didn't mean to do that, thatwas not my intention, but I can
see.
I can totally see how it'sleading to that.
So you tell me when you'releaving, ask me the question,
but there are still maybe one ortwo major things or more
(14:55):
important things that I need youto know.
How do we start having thesediscussions as couples?
Because our kids are watchingand so, instead of bickering at
each other because we'reannoying each other and we're
frustrating each other, why notjust have better, healthier,
more opened conversations whichwill allow our children to see
that we're asking each other hey, what are your needs right now?
(15:17):
What do you need?
Or what you're saying isn'tmaking me feel great right now.
You're making me feel like achild, you're making me feel
incompetent, and I know that oneof the moms that we had, one of
the moms, brought up the reasonwhy she tends to do this is
because something is alwaysforgotten.
If her husband brings the kidsto daycare in the morning, which
is something she usually does,if he brings them, somebody
(15:42):
doesn't have a pair of shoes,somebody doesn't have a jacket
or snow pants in the winter, andso on.
But then I think it comes backdown to what we had as a
conversation with Jessica Leahyright In her book called the
Gift of Failure.
I think it comes back down tothat.
If we are always tellingsomebody what to do, they will
(16:03):
not be thinking for themselvesIn the end.
That mom who said you know herhusband had forgotten before she
had facts right that herhusband had forgotten a pair of
shoes or snow pants or an extrashirt or whatever it was.
In the end, if we've made thosemistakes too, we have to be
honest with ourselves.
We've been so caught up thatwe've forgotten things too.
(16:25):
And what happens?
We try to establish bettersystems right.
So if you do want to supportyour partner, you might say
tomorrow night, just don'tforget to put the shoes in front
of the near the door, whateverit is.
Have a conversation.
What do you need from me?
You're bringing the kids todaycare tomorrow you might have
(16:47):
a lot on your mind because ofwork.
Do you need me to support youwith anything, rather than just
saying it bring this, bring that, don't forget this, don't
forget that.
As the other person on thereceiving end, it actually does
become overwhelming.
I experienced it for the firsttime.
I was like, wow, this isn't fun, I don't like this.
But I'm usually the person onthe end of telling somebody what
(17:08):
to do.
And again, if we are the parentthat's used to bring the kids
to school or daycare, or theactivities or preparing for
certain things, yeah, we're usedto having this list on our mind
and we're used to going throughthat entire list on our mind.
So just start by being aware ofwhen you do it and then have
better conversations with yourpartner.
(17:28):
In terms of the night before,how do you prepare a plan for
what's coming ahead tomorrow?
How do you say, what do youneed from me?
What do you need in terms ofsupport or a reminder?
And if they say nothing andthey don't bring the shoes, the
next time they bring the kids,hopefully you know your kid will
wear boots during the day andthat's not the end of the world.
(17:50):
But I think that we need togive our partners a little bit
more space to make the mistakes,similarly to our kids giving
them the space to not bring thewater bottle.
And then the child says I'm sothirsty, I'm thirsty, give me
water, give me water.
And you're in the car andyou're like, oh my gosh, I
should bring water with me, andif it doesn't happen, then
(18:12):
that's fine.
Maybe we're placing too muchpressure on ourselves to bring
all of these things when, in theend, we don't really need them.
Maybe we need them once in awhile.
So, again, giving ourselvesspace to make the mistakes,
giving our partner space to makethe mistake and learn from them
as well, but making sure thatwe're not always pushing this
huge laundry list of things toremember on our partner, because
on the receiving end of that,it doesn't feel that great.
(18:38):
I gave a workshop to teacherslast week and I'm giving another
one next week as well, and it'saround emotional intelligence,
which is my own specialty.
I give this at workplaces is myown specialty.
I give this at workplaces.
I give this to teachers as welland admin.
And what we focused on was notthe self-awareness and emotion
(19:01):
regulation piece orself-regulation piece of
emotional intelligence, but thesocial awareness and the
relationship management.
So what we spoke about wassomething, a concept that I
think I'll come back to andrecord an entire episode on, but
I want you to have thisinformation because there was
something, a concept, that Ithink I'll come back to and
record an entire episode on.
But I want you to have thisinformation because there was a
book I read that was.
It's a Harvard Business Reviewbook and it's about conflict, no
, dealing with difficult people,and it talks about having this
(19:24):
monitor or this visual in yourmind of is this conversation
moving towards the red zone, sohot, or is this conversation
moving towards the cold zone oris it in between, in the warm
zone?
You want conversations mostlyto be in the warm zone because
when you're in the warm zoneit's kind of like being
(19:44):
regulated right, so you're ableto rationalize, you're able to
think, you're not yelling ateach other and you're not
keeping things in.
So that's what the red zone is.
Red zone is when one or morepeople involved in this conflict
are yelling, are belittling,shaming, name-calling, etc.
Etc.
That would be a conversation inthe hot zone.
(20:05):
That's when you say you knowwhat?
It is not the right time tohave this conversation and the
reason why I'm talking aboutthis for a few minutes is
because maybe in your home, yougiving the laundry list leads to
an argument, right, and so Iwant you to catch yourself in
this moment.
Am I escalating the situationright now?
Is it into the red zone?
(20:26):
Somebody's yelling, somebody'sshaming, somebody's saying you
always do this or you never dothat, you always forget this,
you never do it right.
That would be a red zone.
That's not a healthy place tohave a conversation or an
argument, and so, if it is inthe red zone, either you step
away or you find a way to coolthe conversation enough that you
(20:47):
end up in the warm zone of aconflict.
Sometimes conflict could bestuck in the cold zone.
Cold is when one or more of theparties are suppressing, are
shutting down, are becomingpassive, aggressive.
That's a cold conversation.
And so if you find yourself ina cold conversation, you need to
(21:10):
say how can I warm thisconversation up?
I know that I'm speaking aboutit in a way that it is in your
control, but as somebody whofollows reflective parenting and
the science here at CuriousNeuron, you know that sometimes,
or most of the time, thesesituations are in your control
when you notice, hey, thisconversation is going to the
(21:31):
cold zone.
My partner is shutting down.
You know that if you don't warmit up, it won't go anywhere.
That is the awareness that youhave built, and if you are new
here at Curious Neuron, it takesa little bit of time, but you
will get there.
You will get to the awarenessof I can tell if I'm regulated
or not, I can tell if the otherperson is regulated or not.
And how do I apply this inconflict and in relationship
(21:54):
management?
So in the cold zone, warming itup means you're giving that
person space to feel safe, tofeel comfortable, to connect
with them, or again, steppingaway from it if it's not the
right time.
We were talking about this a fewweeks ago inside the Reflective
Parent Club and somebodymentioned that their own partner
, often during conflict, whenthey are really frustrated about
(22:17):
something and bringingsomething to their partner's
attention, that their partnerwill shut down, just sit there
and listen, not yell, but notrespond either, and that this
parent in particular felt thatthey were being put in a
position where they would haveto yell and say say something,
talk to me, respond.
I'm trying to have aconversation with you and all
(22:39):
you're doing is sitting thereand saying nothing.
I'm expecting a response fromyou, and so, as we continued the
conversation inside our weeklymeeting, what we came to the
realization of is that kind oflanguage is not creating a safe
space for that person to saywhat they're thinking, to
(22:59):
respond, to react because youare in the red zone, they're in
the cold, you are in the red,and so if you can catch yourself
in that moment, then perhapsyou can warm up a little bit and
try to support that person inthat moment.
Here's a difference.
Just by using differentlanguage, I noticed that you are
not saying anything.
I really need to hear whatyou're thinking, because I'm
(23:22):
trying to share something, achallenge or something that
really frustrated me.
I'm trying to get it off myback and share it with you.
I don't know if I use the wrongtone or the wrong words, but I
really need to hear what you'rethinking.
Is this the right time to havea conversation or do you want to
talk about it after dinner?
Right?
That language completelychanges what's going on, and now
(23:45):
that person has to respond.
Either they want to have theconversation now or they say, no
, let's have it after dinner,but then they're expected to
speak and so we're opening upthe conversation and the
dialogue to warm up theconversation.
That is very different thanyelling at the person.
When I was giving the workshoplast week, someone said
(24:08):
something interesting and hesaid when my wife and I are
arguing, I stay quiet because Ido not like conflict.
I want this to end as quicklyas possible and so if I just sit
there and I agree and I don'tlet what she is saying or the
situation get to me, it'll bedone much more quickly than if I
(24:32):
speak up.
My response to this person wasthe following For so long and
for so many of us, we seeconflict as a bad thing,
including myself, or I used to.
I remember when I got marriedthe first year or two, I saw
conflict as the end of themarriage.
If you have conflict in myunderstanding, because I came
(24:54):
from a broken home, conflictmeant we hated each other and
that this was not going to work.
That took therapy to workthrough and that took a lot of
me working through conflicts,reflecting after the conflict,
to understand that conflict isactually a good thing.
Me bringing something up to mypartner or my partner bringing
(25:15):
something up to me is because wecare enough about this
relationship to want to solve it.
We don't want to let it.
We don't want to push it underthe sweep it under the rug or
let it kind of hang around sothat it keeps coming back up in
conflict.
We love each other enough tohave the conflict.
Conflict is just a conversation.
(25:36):
That can get heated, that canbecome cold, but if we have
skills together and enoughconversation, we can notice
whether or not it's the righttime to have this conflict.
And so conflict is actually agood thing.
It is a discussion.
Here's one little piece ofinformation that I gave these
people at the workshop that Ithink will help you.
(25:59):
Every conversation, whetherit's a conflict or argument or
just a regular conversation,should have a goal.
What is the goal of thisconversation?
So, for example, if you bringup something to your partner
like you are struggling withkeeping up with the home or
(26:19):
you're struggling with keepingup with the kids' activities if
you have the intention to bringthis up to your partner, then
you need to have a goal in mind.
What is the goal of thisconversation?
Do you want a game plan, movingforward so that things are
divided a bit more equally.
Do you want validation or themto say I've seen you've been
doing it all and I know I'vebeen struggling to help out?
(26:40):
Are you looking for anexplanation as to why they
haven't been supporting you orstruggling?
That's the first thing, right?
So, understanding what the goalis, going into the conflict?
We had interviewed a couplestherapist inside the Reflective
Parent Club during the winterand I forget the percentage I'd
have to go back to listen to thewebinar.
(27:00):
The webinar is always housedinside the Reflective Parent
Club.
So if you love having Q&As withauthors, we have a book club
inside the Reflective ParentClub.
All of this is part of theReflective Parent Club.
So this particular VanessaMorgan, she had said that the
start of an argument orconversation predicts the ending
of it, and so if you start aconversation with you never, you
(27:24):
, always, why don't you?
Or name calling you're soselfish, you're so lazy I
guarantee you that the outcomeof that is not great, because
you are, in one sentence, eithermaking it hot or cold, shutting
that person down or completelydysregulating them to the point
that they're going to becomedefensive.
And, as we know from Gottman'sFour Horsemen, defensiveness is
(27:49):
one of those horsemen that leadto the death of the conversation
and is a predictor of amarriage that will not succeed.
That's one of the four whichmaybe I should talk about those
in another episode.
I know we had a whole webinaron those inside the Reflected
Parent Club, but I don't know ifI've spoken about that here, so
maybe I can talk about thatnext time.
But, all that to say, be verymindful about how you begin that
(28:11):
conversation.
Don't have it in your mind, asI'm going to go into an argument
with this person.
I'm going to have conversationand the goal of my conversation
is blank, whatever it is, and soI'm going to monitor the
temperature of the conversationto make sure that it stays warm,
and if it does, if it doesn't,sorry, and it gets out of
control and it's stuck in coldand stuck in hot, I'm going to
(28:33):
have to step away from theconversation.
But ask my partner when theright time would be, because I
need again, depending on whatyour goal is, this I need this
to be the outcome of thisconversation Tell them what your
goal is.
Maybe that could even help themunderstand why you're having
this conversation.
Start off with listen.
You know I've really beenstruggling.
I'm feeling overwhelmed andI've noticed that the kids have
(28:55):
a lot of activities and I'm theone that's bringing them all the
time.
I know that you are at work oryou say you don't have time or
you're tired, but my goal rightnow is to have a conversation
with you so that we can figureout how to work on this together
.
I need support or we need tocut out some activities.
I don't know what the outcomeof this conversation is going to
be, but I need an answer.
(29:15):
There's a very big differenceapproaching somebody this way
than saying I'm so tired and fedup, I'm the one doing
everything, you do nothing, etcetera, et cetera.
So that is all I wanted toshare with you today.
I hope that this will give yousome perspective or allow some
(29:36):
insight to happen.
You can listen to this episodewith your partner, take some
notes down in terms of wherethere's space or room for both
of you to make improvements whenit comes to conflict, is there
space or room to improve how youhave conversations together,
how you open up a conversationtogether, how you tell each
other what to do when you'releaving the house, when you're
(29:58):
going to some activity with yourkids?
I hope that this opens up theconversation in a very
emotionally aware andemotionally intelligent way,
which is everything that we dohere inside of Curious Neuron,
inside this podcast, reflectiveParenting, and as well inside
our new club, the ReflectiveParenting Club.
(30:20):
If you and or your partner feellike you need a bit more
support, you can join togetherand join me every week.
There are people that havetheir partners there that
re-watch the webinars of theirpartners.
This is not positive parenting.
This is for parents who justfeel like they are overwhelmed
with how to parent their childand, more importantly, realize
(30:42):
that a big part of that isbecause they never learned how
to regulate their emotions.
And I'm here to help you.
I hope you all have a wonderfuland beautiful week, happy
reflections and I will see younext Monday.
Bye.
Hello, my dear friend , welcome to the Reflective
Parenting Podcast.
My name is Cindy Huffington andI am your host.
This used to be the Kirsten Ronpodcast.
It is the same podcast, but Ijust felt that it felt right to
move towards the type ofparenting style that we have
been creating for years here atKirsten Ron, and that is putting
the power and control back intoyour hands.
(00:22):
I want to make sure that allparents are moving forward with
confidence and nurturing theirwell-being and remembering that
their well-being, their needs,are not just important as
parents, but even more importantnow.
So if you are a parent thatoften searches for information
on how to best parent your child, maybe you feel a little bit
(00:44):
lost in what your style is.
Maybe you are reading a lotabout positive parenting and
trying it out, yet your child'sstill having lots of big
emotions and so you think likeyou might not be doing well, or
you might even think that you'refailing at this whole positive
parenting thing.
Then you are at the right place.
If you are new here to thefamily of Curious Neuron in
(01:06):
general and new here at thepodcast, then welcome.
I want to make sure that thisis not your typical parenting
podcast.
I will not tell you how toparent your child, but I will
share the science with you andshare how I, as a mom of three
neuroscientists, am using thescience in my home so that you
can learn how to best parentyour own child, remembering that
(01:26):
you have your own needs andmaking sure that you nurture
those needs, and that is thekind of parenting style that I
refer to as reflective parenting.
So welcome.
If you haven't done so yet,please make sure that you
subscribe to the podcast.
Click on that button, becausethose are very important metrics
.
The more people that click onsubscribe, you will get that
notification on Monday morningwhen the podcast is out, but
(01:50):
that also informs the algorithmthat this podcast is important
to you.
The second way to share somelove with me is making sure that
you leave a rating or a review.
Take three seconds if you justwant to click on how many stars.
You would rate it out of five,and if you have a few more
minutes maybe a minute or twowrite a very short review.
Those are also metrics that arevery important to the algorithm
(02:13):
, and the reason why those aretwo important things is because
it allows me to get the fundingthat I need in order to keep the
podcast going.
It's not to fund me.
Keep the podcast going, it'snot to fund me.
It's to fund the team that islooking for articles for you,
that is reviewing the articlesfor you, both here and on
CuriousNeuroncom.
That is the team that I need.
I need the editors, I need thevideo editor that's going to put
(02:36):
the videos up on YouTube thatyou can watch it if you feel
like watching the video, not forthe solos, but for the
interviews, so that you canwatch it on YouTube.
So all of that is what I needto keep this podcast going.
And so, if you don't want tolet the podcast go and I know
you don't, because when I wrotean email a couple of weeks ago
or two weeks ago and saidgoodbye, kirsten, on podcast
(02:56):
because I had switched it to theReflective Parenting podcast I
received some emails fromparents that were like what are
you doing?
Don't stop the podcast.
So I hope that those parents ifthat was you that sent me one
of those emails.
I hope that you're subscribedand you have left either a
rating or a review.
You can follow Curious Neuron onInstagram at curious underscore
neuron.
Or, if you don't care about thebig picture of what we do at
(03:18):
Curious Neuron.
You can follow the ReflectiveParenting Podcast on Instagram
as well, and I'd like to thankthe Tannenbaum Open Science
Institute as well as theMcConnell Foundation, two
organizations that believe inthe importance of sharing
science, as we do here atCurious Neuron, and so thank you
to both of these organizationsfor sponsoring the podcast.
So, if you are new, I am a momof three.
(03:40):
I have a PhD in neuroscience.
I'm based in Montreal, canada,hence the small French accent
that I hear and that I wasstruggling to, you know, publish
a podcast many years ago nowbecause of this accent.
That really bothered me, butnow I've become accustomed to it
and I'm okay now recording apodcast Things that happen over
time right when you practice andyou're more comfortable with it
(04:02):
.
I also get so many emails frompeople who say that they like my
voice, so thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
All right, so today's a solopodcast, and something happened
to me that made me realize Ithink I needed to.
I need to talk about this withyou.
I need to share this with youso that maybe, if you are
experiencing this in your home,maybe it's going to shed some
light and help you gain a newperspective.
(04:24):
So if you often feel like youare either a partner that is
telling your partner or spousedo this, do that, don't forget
this when you go out with thekids, bring this, bring that and
don't forget this, or if you'reon the receiving end of this,
where your partner is tellingyou all of the above, if this is
a situation that often happensin your home, then this podcast
episode is for you.
All of the above.
(04:44):
If this is a situation thatoften happens in your home, then
this podcast episode is for you.
And if you know friends thatare going through the same thing
because you talk to each otherabout it, then please share this
episode with them.
You can share any episode of theCurious Nouron podcast oh, no,
not the Curious Nouron podcast.
You can share any episode ofthe Reflective Parenting podcast
, and you can do this whetheryou're listening to it on
Spotify or on Apple Podcasts.
(05:06):
In fact, share it in parentinggroups, share it in a work
newsletter I know that some worknewsletters because I've been
told there's a little space forinformation and if you want to
share the Reflective ParentingPodcast, if you need a graphic,
if you need something from me,the link, and you're not sure
how to get it.
Send me an email at info atcuriousnawncom.
(05:30):
And if you leave a review, bythe way, you can send me an
email and I will send you thefree Meltdown Mountain PDF,
which is available to purchaseon our website, but you can get
it for free.
There's also a freebie in theshow notes.
If you are somebody that reallystruggles with triggers, get
that freebie in the show notes.
And if you need some supportand you're listening to all this
today and you say you know whatI really do struggle with
coping with my emotions.
I don't know how to regulate Ieither yell and lash out or I
(05:51):
suppress my team of graduatestudents.
We've taken everything aroundemotional intelligence,
self-awareness, self-regulation,parental awareness, which is
actually called social awarenessin research, but we've altered
(06:11):
it and tailored it to you as aparent.
And then there's relationshipmanagement.
These are the four domains thatwe cover inside the Reflective
Parenting Club, and you get tomeet with me every single week
to work through the strugglesthat you are having.
So the link for that as well isin the show notes.
All right, so here's thesituation that happened so a
couple weeks ago.
So my grandmother is in aretirement home, as many of you
(06:34):
know.
It's been over a year now, andmy mom and my uncle they
alternate turns who's going togo see her and spend some time
with her, who's going to helpher out?
And something had happened, andso it was my mom's turn to help
her to go to the retirementhome, to bring my grandmother to
her haircut appointment at thathome.
So we didn't need to leave thebuilding.
(06:55):
So my mom called me and saidlook, I'm really stuck.
Can you help me please and gosee her this tomorrow afternoon
and bring her to her hairappointment?
I said not a problem.
And although it should haveended there, or perhaps one or
two pieces of information, itled to something that gave me
that moment of realization.
So my mom said okay, don'tforget, there's a code for the
(07:19):
elevator.
Here's the code.
Fine, I needed that.
And then she said they onlytake cash, so make sure you
bring cash with you.
No problem, that was great, Ineeded that information.
Then she said make sure thatgrandma doesn't have her
slippers on to go downstairs.
Make sure she has her shoes on,okay.
And then she said make sure thatgrandma isn't wearing her
(07:39):
pajama, because sometimes when Ivisit her she forgets to change
.
My grandmother has dementia, soshe forgets to change from her
pajama to everyday clothing.
They don't tell her to change,they just let her stay in her
pajamas.
But if she's going for a hairappointment, please make sure
she has her clothes.
And if she is wearing herclothes, make sure that at
breakfast or at lunch time shedidn't spill any food on her
(08:00):
clothes.
So make sure it's not soiled ordirty.
And if it is, please help herchange into new clothes.
Okay, and then she said makesure you don't forget to give a
tip to the lady I give this much.
Make sure grandma has herhearing aid on.
And the list goes on and on.
There was a point where I was,you know, listening and saying,
(08:20):
and then I noticed my thoughtschanged.
My thoughts changed from takingdown notes and remembering what
my mom is saying to me to doyou think I'm incompetent?
Why are you giving me so muchinformation?
Do you actually think that as agrown adult, I would see like a
spaghetti stain or somethingstain on my grandmother's shirt
(08:41):
and I would say, oh well, whocares, let's go down.
In the end I might put asweater on top of her?
I might, but I understand that.
Number one.
Do you think, number two, thatI would actually let grandmother
go all the way downstairs withsocks or with slippers or
whatever it is?
I always, when I visited her,before I put on her shoes, I
help her put on her shoes and wego for a walk.
I've never let her in herslippers.
(09:03):
Also, number three, don't youknow that I go to the
hairdresser?
I know that we leave tips.
I understand the concept ofgoing to a hairdresser and so,
after she finished talking to me, I didn't get mad at her
because, as I had these thoughtsin my head, this is where
emotion, regulation comes in,and emotional intelligence.
I knew that it was coming froma good place.
(09:24):
It wasn't removing the factthat I was getting really
annoyed, because it was givingme the feeling of incompetence,
because you're giving me so manydetails that you normally
wouldn't give an adult, becauseit's logical thinking, but it
was coming from a good place,and so that's what emotional
regulation is, or emotionalintelligence.
It's almost having thatconversation of this person is
coming from a good place.
(09:45):
They are not trying to bedemeaning or dismissive or, you
know, shame you in any way ormaking you feel like a child.
That was not her intention, butit was still.
I can.
I can still allow myself tofeel like, wow, I'm not.
I don't enjoy this feeling.
I know exactly what I need todo.
I don't need all thisinformation.
I don't know if you see whereI'm going with this yet, but
(10:08):
after I hung up with my mom, Iwent downstairs, I hugged my
husband and I said I'm so, sosorry.
And he just looked at me andsaid what happened.
And I said I had a moment withmy mom that led to a realization
of something that I tend to dowith you and it doesn't come
from a bad place.
But if it's happening over andover again and it's giving you
(10:30):
the feeling that I just got,then I would be really annoyed.
If I were you and I explainedto him what happened with my mom
and then I said I saw theparallels being drawn in my mind
of when you are leaving withthe kids and I say don't forget
some snacks, don't forget somewater, make sure their shoes are
tied.
I'm exaggerating, but it'sstill an example of how I just
(10:54):
go through the list of thingsthat are on my mind.
So that's my personal intention.
When I'm leaving, I have thishuge list of things on my on my
mind, right the bag, whatever,wherever it depends where we're
going, right, if it's a a sportsevent, if it's off to grandma
and grandpa's house.
Do you have the little schoolbag?
Do you have this?
Do you have that?
In the end, all of those thingsactually don't matter.
(11:15):
So I don't know if you rememberthe story I had told you a long
time ago about the pack ofKleenex, where my husband was
(11:36):
like do we really need tooverthink what we bring with us
In the end, if we need somethingin that laundry list?
Somewhere in many, perhaps manyplaces on that list of things
to do are things that might makethe other person feeling
competent.
Do you really think you need totell me to tie my child's shoes
?
And although it's coming againfrom a good place, I think that
if you recognize this inyourself and we spoke about this
(11:59):
last week inside the ReflectiveParent Club I shared this
example with them and some ofthe parents mostly the moms that
were there said I fall intothat.
I have done that many times andI see the irritation on my
partner's face and I still gothrough the list, because that's
the list that's on my mind.
So what I want because we arereflective parents here at
(12:20):
Curious Neuron what I want isfor you to catch yourself in
that next moment that thathappens, the next time where you
can hear yourself giving yourpartner and I don't think it
might be more common for moms todo this with their partners,
but maybe dads do this too, whoknows but I do know that from
the parents inside theReflective Parent Club.
(12:41):
The moms were saying that theyfeel like they do this.
But I know that as moms, and asa mom myself, I know that we
often give ourself a really longlaundry list of things to do
before we leave the house, andso the first thing is am I
adding extra stress to myselfwhen I'm leaving the home?
Is it the end of the world ifevery child doesn't have a water
(13:03):
bottle, or if we have oneinstead of three?
Is it the end of the world if Idon't bring snacks for a
20-minute errand?
Is it the end of the world if Idon't bring their school bag to
grandma and grandpa's house andall they have are a pack of
crayons that I left at grandmaand grandpa's house and they're
going to have to figure out whatto do with blank paper and
crayons.
What are we?
What kind of pressure are weplacing on ourselves?
(13:26):
Number one that we could kindof minimize a little bit so that
it removes the pressure onourselves when we're leaving the
home or doing an activity ordoing something with the kids.
The second thing is when wenotice ourselves in this moment
with our partners, can we catchourselves and just pause right?
The art of the pause, thebeauty of the pause is it allows
(13:47):
us to reflect.
And so, if you're going throughthis list of things to do, can
you stop yourself at one momentand say, oh, I'm really sorry, I
was just going through the listthat I have on my mind, but
maybe your list is different,maybe your way of going about
this is different.
Do you have any questions?
You are bringing the kids thetwo kids to soccer today, and
(14:09):
usually I do it.
Do you have any questions?
And there may be two or threethings that I just don't want
you to forget.
I'm going to say it, notbecause I think you're
incompetent or that you won'tfigure it out, I just need to
get it off my mind.
Can we, as couples start havingmore of these discussions, these
reflective parenting questions,in the sense that we are more
aware, we are self-aware, weregulate our emotions, we have
(14:33):
the social skills to say okay,I'm so sorry, I didn't even
realize what I was saying andhow I was saying it, that it was
leading to you feelingincompetent.
I didn't mean to do that, thatwas not my intention, but I can
see.
I can totally see how it'sleading to that.
So you tell me when you'releaving, ask me the question,
but there are still maybe one ortwo major things or more
(14:55):
important things that I need youto know.
How do we start having thesediscussions as couples?
Because our kids are watchingand so, instead of bickering at
each other because we'reannoying each other and we're
frustrating each other, why notjust have better, healthier,
more opened conversations whichwill allow our children to see
that we're asking each other hey, what are your needs right now?
(15:17):
What do you need?
Or what you're saying isn'tmaking me feel great right now.
You're making me feel like achild, you're making me feel
incompetent, and I know that oneof the moms that we had, one of
the moms, brought up the reasonwhy she tends to do this is
because something is alwaysforgotten.
If her husband brings the kidsto daycare in the morning, which
is something she usually does,if he brings them, somebody
(15:42):
doesn't have a pair of shoes,somebody doesn't have a jacket
or snow pants in the winter, andso on.
But then I think it comes backdown to what we had as a
conversation with Jessica Leahyright In her book called the
Gift of Failure.
I think it comes back down tothat.
If we are always tellingsomebody what to do, they will
(16:03):
not be thinking for themselvesIn the end.
That mom who said you know herhusband had forgotten before she
had facts right that herhusband had forgotten a pair of
shoes or snow pants or an extrashirt or whatever it was.
In the end, if we've made thosemistakes too, we have to be
honest with ourselves.
We've been so caught up thatwe've forgotten things too.
(16:25):
And what happens?
We try to establish bettersystems right.
So if you do want to supportyour partner, you might say
tomorrow night, just don'tforget to put the shoes in front
of the near the door, whateverit is.
Have a conversation.
What do you need from me?
You're bringing the kids todaycare tomorrow you might have
(16:47):
a lot on your mind because ofwork.
Do you need me to support youwith anything, rather than just
saying it bring this, bring that, don't forget this, don't
forget that.
As the other person on thereceiving end, it actually does
become overwhelming.
I experienced it for the firsttime.
I was like, wow, this isn't fun, I don't like this.
But I'm usually the person onthe end of telling somebody what
(17:08):
to do.
And again, if we are the parentthat's used to bring the kids
to school or daycare, or theactivities or preparing for
certain things, yeah, we're usedto having this list on our mind
and we're used to going throughthat entire list on our mind.
So just start by being aware ofwhen you do it and then have
better conversations with yourpartner.
(17:28):
In terms of the night before,how do you prepare a plan for
what's coming ahead tomorrow?
How do you say, what do youneed from me?
What do you need in terms ofsupport or a reminder?
And if they say nothing andthey don't bring the shoes, the
next time they bring the kids,hopefully you know your kid will
wear boots during the day andthat's not the end of the world.
(17:50):
But I think that we need togive our partners a little bit
more space to make the mistakes,similarly to our kids giving
them the space to not bring thewater bottle.
And then the child says I'm sothirsty, I'm thirsty, give me
water, give me water.
And you're in the car andyou're like, oh my gosh, I
should bring water with me, andif it doesn't happen, then
(18:12):
that's fine.
Maybe we're placing too muchpressure on ourselves to bring
all of these things when, in theend, we don't really need them.
Maybe we need them once in awhile.
So, again, giving ourselvesspace to make the mistakes,
giving our partner space to makethe mistake and learn from them
as well, but making sure thatwe're not always pushing this
huge laundry list of things toremember on our partner, because
on the receiving end of that,it doesn't feel that great.
(18:38):
I gave a workshop to teacherslast week and I'm giving another
one next week as well, and it'saround emotional intelligence,
which is my own specialty.
I give this at workplaces is myown specialty.
I give this at workplaces.
I give this to teachers as welland admin.
And what we focused on was notthe self-awareness and emotion
(19:01):
regulation piece orself-regulation piece of
emotional intelligence, but thesocial awareness and the
relationship management.
So what we spoke about wassomething, a concept that I
think I'll come back to andrecord an entire episode on, but
I want you to have thisinformation because there was
something, a concept, that Ithink I'll come back to and
record an entire episode on.
But I want you to have thisinformation because there was a
book I read that was.
It's a Harvard Business Reviewbook and it's about conflict, no
, dealing with difficult people,and it talks about having this
(19:24):
monitor or this visual in yourmind of is this conversation
moving towards the red zone, sohot, or is this conversation
moving towards the cold zone oris it in between, in the warm
zone?
You want conversations mostlyto be in the warm zone because
when you're in the warm zoneit's kind of like being
(19:44):
regulated right, so you're ableto rationalize, you're able to
think, you're not yelling ateach other and you're not
keeping things in.
So that's what the red zone is.
Red zone is when one or morepeople involved in this conflict
are yelling, are belittling,shaming, name-calling, etc.
Etc.
That would be a conversation inthe hot zone.
(20:05):
That's when you say you knowwhat?
It is not the right time tohave this conversation and the
reason why I'm talking aboutthis for a few minutes is
because maybe in your home, yougiving the laundry list leads to
an argument, right, and so Iwant you to catch yourself in
this moment.
Am I escalating the situationright now?
Is it into the red zone?
(20:26):
Somebody's yelling, somebody'sshaming, somebody's saying you
always do this or you never dothat, you always forget this,
you never do it right.
That would be a red zone.
That's not a healthy place tohave a conversation or an
argument, and so, if it is inthe red zone, either you step
away or you find a way to coolthe conversation enough that you
(20:47):
end up in the warm zone of aconflict.
Sometimes conflict could bestuck in the cold zone.
Cold is when one or more of theparties are suppressing, are
shutting down, are becomingpassive, aggressive.
That's a cold conversation.
And so if you find yourself ina cold conversation, you need to
(21:10):
say how can I warm thisconversation up?
I know that I'm speaking aboutit in a way that it is in your
control, but as somebody whofollows reflective parenting and
the science here at CuriousNeuron, you know that sometimes,
or most of the time, thesesituations are in your control
when you notice, hey, thisconversation is going to the
(21:31):
cold zone.
My partner is shutting down.
You know that if you don't warmit up, it won't go anywhere.
That is the awareness that youhave built, and if you are new
here at Curious Neuron, it takesa little bit of time, but you
will get there.
You will get to the awarenessof I can tell if I'm regulated
or not, I can tell if the otherperson is regulated or not.
And how do I apply this inconflict and in relationship
(21:54):
management?
So in the cold zone, warming itup means you're giving that
person space to feel safe, tofeel comfortable, to connect
with them, or again, steppingaway from it if it's not the
right time.
We were talking about this a fewweeks ago inside the Reflective
Parent Club and somebodymentioned that their own partner
, often during conflict, whenthey are really frustrated about
(22:17):
something and bringingsomething to their partner's
attention, that their partnerwill shut down, just sit there
and listen, not yell, but notrespond either, and that this
parent in particular felt thatthey were being put in a
position where they would haveto yell and say say something,
talk to me, respond.
I'm trying to have aconversation with you and all
(22:39):
you're doing is sitting thereand saying nothing.
I'm expecting a response fromyou, and so, as we continued the
conversation inside our weeklymeeting, what we came to the
realization of is that kind oflanguage is not creating a safe
space for that person to saywhat they're thinking, to
(22:59):
respond, to react because youare in the red zone, they're in
the cold, you are in the red,and so if you can catch yourself
in that moment, then perhapsyou can warm up a little bit and
try to support that person inthat moment.
Here's a difference.
Just by using differentlanguage, I noticed that you are
not saying anything.
I really need to hear whatyou're thinking, because I'm
(23:22):
trying to share something, achallenge or something that
really frustrated me.
I'm trying to get it off myback and share it with you.
I don't know if I use the wrongtone or the wrong words, but I
really need to hear what you'rethinking.
Is this the right time to havea conversation or do you want to
talk about it after dinner?
Right?
That language completelychanges what's going on, and now
(23:45):
that person has to respond.
Either they want to have theconversation now or they say, no
, let's have it after dinner,but then they're expected to
speak and so we're opening upthe conversation and the
dialogue to warm up theconversation.
That is very different thanyelling at the person.
When I was giving the workshoplast week, someone said
(24:08):
something interesting and hesaid when my wife and I are
arguing, I stay quiet because Ido not like conflict.
I want this to end as quicklyas possible and so if I just sit
there and I agree and I don'tlet what she is saying or the
situation get to me, it'll bedone much more quickly than if I
(24:32):
speak up.
My response to this person wasthe following For so long and
for so many of us, we seeconflict as a bad thing,
including myself, or I used to.
I remember when I got marriedthe first year or two, I saw
conflict as the end of themarriage.
If you have conflict in myunderstanding, because I came
(24:54):
from a broken home, conflictmeant we hated each other and
that this was not going to work.
That took therapy to workthrough and that took a lot of
me working through conflicts,reflecting after the conflict,
to understand that conflict isactually a good thing.
Me bringing something up to mypartner or my partner bringing
(25:15):
something up to me is because wecare enough about this
relationship to want to solve it.
We don't want to let it.
We don't want to push it underthe sweep it under the rug or
let it kind of hang around sothat it keeps coming back up in
conflict.
We love each other enough tohave the conflict.
Conflict is just a conversation.
(25:36):
That can get heated, that canbecome cold, but if we have
skills together and enoughconversation, we can notice
whether or not it's the righttime to have this conflict.
And so conflict is actually agood thing.
It is a discussion.
Here's one little piece ofinformation that I gave these
people at the workshop that Ithink will help you.
(25:59):
Every conversation, whetherit's a conflict or argument or
just a regular conversation,should have a goal.
What is the goal of thisconversation?
So, for example, if you bringup something to your partner
like you are struggling withkeeping up with the home or
(26:19):
you're struggling with keepingup with the kids' activities if
you have the intention to bringthis up to your partner, then
you need to have a goal in mind.
What is the goal of thisconversation?
Do you want a game plan, movingforward so that things are
divided a bit more equally.
Do you want validation or themto say I've seen you've been
doing it all and I know I'vebeen struggling to help out?
(26:40):
Are you looking for anexplanation as to why they
haven't been supporting you orstruggling?
That's the first thing, right?
So, understanding what the goalis, going into the conflict?
We had interviewed a couplestherapist inside the Reflective
Parent Club during the winterand I forget the percentage I'd
have to go back to listen to thewebinar.
(27:00):
The webinar is always housedinside the Reflective Parent
Club.
So if you love having Q&As withauthors, we have a book club
inside the Reflective ParentClub.
All of this is part of theReflective Parent Club.
So this particular VanessaMorgan, she had said that the
start of an argument orconversation predicts the ending
of it, and so if you start aconversation with you never, you
(27:24):
, always, why don't you?
Or name calling you're soselfish, you're so lazy I
guarantee you that the outcomeof that is not great, because
you are, in one sentence, eithermaking it hot or cold, shutting
that person down or completelydysregulating them to the point
that they're going to becomedefensive.
And, as we know from Gottman'sFour Horsemen, defensiveness is
(27:49):
one of those horsemen that leadto the death of the conversation
and is a predictor of amarriage that will not succeed.
That's one of the four whichmaybe I should talk about those
in another episode.
I know we had a whole webinaron those inside the Reflected
Parent Club, but I don't know ifI've spoken about that here, so
maybe I can talk about thatnext time.
But, all that to say, be verymindful about how you begin that
(28:11):
conversation.
Don't have it in your mind, asI'm going to go into an argument
with this person.
I'm going to have conversationand the goal of my conversation
is blank, whatever it is, and soI'm going to monitor the
temperature of the conversationto make sure that it stays warm,
and if it does, if it doesn't,sorry, and it gets out of
control and it's stuck in coldand stuck in hot, I'm going to
(28:33):
have to step away from theconversation.
But ask my partner when theright time would be, because I
need again, depending on whatyour goal is, this I need this
to be the outcome of thisconversation Tell them what your
goal is.
Maybe that could even help themunderstand why you're having
this conversation.
Start off with listen.
You know I've really beenstruggling.
I'm feeling overwhelmed andI've noticed that the kids have
(28:55):
a lot of activities and I'm theone that's bringing them all the
time.
I know that you are at work oryou say you don't have time or
you're tired, but my goal rightnow is to have a conversation
with you so that we can figureout how to work on this together
.
I need support or we need tocut out some activities.
I don't know what the outcomeof this conversation is going to
be, but I need an answer.
(29:15):
There's a very big differenceapproaching somebody this way
than saying I'm so tired and fedup, I'm the one doing
everything, you do nothing, etcetera, et cetera.
So that is all I wanted toshare with you today.
I hope that this will give yousome perspective or allow some
(29:36):
insight to happen.
You can listen to this episodewith your partner, take some
notes down in terms of wherethere's space or room for both
of you to make improvements whenit comes to conflict, is there
space or room to improve how youhave conversations together,
how you open up a conversationtogether, how you tell each
other what to do when you'releaving the house, when you're
(29:58):
going to some activity with yourkids?
I hope that this opens up theconversation in a very
emotionally aware andemotionally intelligent way,
which is everything that we dohere inside of Curious Neuron,
inside this podcast, reflectiveParenting, and as well inside
our new club, the ReflectiveParenting Club.
(30:20):
If you and or your partner feellike you need a bit more
support, you can join togetherand join me every week.
There are people that havetheir partners there that
re-watch the webinars of theirpartners.
This is not positive parenting.
This is for parents who justfeel like they are overwhelmed
with how to parent their childand, more importantly, realize
(30:42):
that a big part of that isbecause they never learned how
to regulate their emotions.
And I'm here to help you.
I hope you all have a wonderfuland beautiful week, happy
reflections and I will see younext Monday.
Bye.
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