How to parent yourself first and break unhealthy cycles with Bryana Kappadakunnel

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This episode explores the profound impact of childhood experiences on parenting styles, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and emotional healing. Brianna shares insights on building connections with children through understanding and compassion while setting healthy boundaries.

• Understanding how childhood wounds manifest in parenting
• Importance of self-reflection for emotional health
• The role of connection in nurturing healthy relationships
• Practical strategies for engaging with emotions
• Defining and communicating boundaries effectively
• Navigating partner dynamics in the parenting journey
• The need for compassion and curiosity in parenting conversations

Purchase Bryana's new book, Parent Yourself First:
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If you are ready to learn healthy emotional coping skills and to get support on. how to teach your child these skills, join below or book a call with me below:

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emotional health as well,because if we are struggling to
cope with emotions, thattrickles down to our kids.
And if you are new here, notonly do we have the podcast, you
could join us on social mediaCurious Neuron or Curious
underscore Neuron on Instagramor Curious Neuron on Facebook.

(00:45):
You can visit our website atCuriousNeuroncom.
And if you're somebody who'sbeen listening to this for a
while and you say, well, I'm nowaware of various aspects of my
life where I need to makechanges, but I'm not sure how
Well.
That's why we launched theReflective Parent Club.
It is a three-month program.

(01:06):
I know for those of you thathave been listening knew that I
was referring to it as amembership.
It is no longer a membership,because now we noticed that in
three months you gain enoughself-awareness and emotion
regulation skills to see animpact in your life, and so I
don't want this to be a hugeundertaking for parents.
I want you to know that thisthree month commitment will make

(01:26):
a difference in your life.
I have left the sale price at$50, $55, sorry for three months
.
That is all it takes for you tosee a difference.
The Reflective Parent Club hasits own podcast, called the
Reflective Parent Podcast, wherewe dive into different topics.
So, for example, last week wespoke about mental load and

(01:47):
these task lists that are neverending, and we reflected on what
that could look like in ourhome.
We brought in a special guest,erica Jossa, who's a
psychotherapist, to talk to usabout that.
I recorded a podcast givingeverybody specific reflection
prompts.
Next week we are having sinceit's the end of the month, we

(02:07):
are going to have on Saturdaymorning a special family
reflection call, and so westarted that in December and
everyone loved it so much.
We are bringing in our kids and, as you know, part of Kirsten
Neuron is not just to show youand teach you and help you learn
how to cope with emotions.
I want to help you model thisfor your kids, and so next week,
children are invited on ourSaturday morning call and we are

(02:31):
going to be reading a booktogether and talking about the
characters and the emotions thatthey felt.
And so if you are trying tosupport your child's emotional
development, you get a week freewhen you join the Reflective
Parent Club.
You might want to join in onSaturday to see what that looks
like.
Join in on Tuesday, where youcan have a reflection call
specific to you.
We're talking about how weperceive stress next week.

(02:53):
So every week is a differenttopic and you get tons of
content inside the ReflectiveParent Club PDFs, digital
journals, audios, videos, youname it.
It's there.
I want to make sure that you,you know, learn how to build
your self-awareness and learnhow to regulate and cope with
emotions.
That is all All right.

(03:14):
I'd like to thank the TannenbaumOpen Science Institute for
supporting the Curious Neuronpodcast, as well as the
McConnell Foundation.
Without these two organizations, this podcast would not be
possible, and thank you fortaking the time to listen to
this podcast.
If you've been listening for awhile and you haven't done so
yet, make sure that you take amoment to click out and leave a
review.
The reviews make such adifference and we don't get

(03:36):
enough, and so if you can reviewthe podcast or at least just
rate it on five stars, thatwould really be helpful.
If you actually take the timeto leave a review, send me an
email at info atcuriousneuroncom.
I will send you the MeltdownMountain, which is our special
PDF that allows you to teachyour kids how to cope with
emotions and understand whatdysregulation is, and so I will

(03:59):
send that to you for free,gladly, if you write a review
for the podcast.
I'm excited to share theinterview that I had with
Brianna, and she's the founderof Conscious Mommy.
I don't know if you follow heronline, but now she has a book
called Parent Yourself First,raise confident, compassionate
kids by becoming the parent youwish you had, and if you are

(04:19):
somebody that has lots oftriggers and you've never been
able to identify them, then thispodcast episode is for you.
We go deep into what it lookslike to kind of do a bit of the
self-work and reflect on thingsthat are impacting us as parents
, because sometimes the aspectsof self-work that we need to
work on really surface when webecome a parent.

(04:39):
We don't think about thesethings, and so I really do think
that this book if you areexpecting your first child, this
is a book that will really helpyou do a bit of the reflection
and the thinking about what yourpast might have looked like.
You don't have to dig deep, butasking certain questions and
looking at what that might looklike for you now that you are a
parent or becoming a parent, andthis book will help you in

(05:03):
really intense emotionalsituations that you will at some
point encounter with your child.
The link to her book will be inthe show notes.
Please enjoy my conversationwith Brianna and welcome back
everyone to the Curious Aroundpodcast and, as promised in the
intro, I am here with Brianna.
Brianna, welcome to the podcast.
Thank you for having me.
Cindy, I said it and I want tosay it again Congratulations on

(05:25):
the release of your book.
Parent Yourself First.
I don't even know what to sayin terms of just how needed this
book is and how much we allneed to read this.
I can't wait to dig into itwith you today.

Speaker 2 (05:36):
So congrats, thank you so much for reading it and
for agreeing to help supportgetting the message out there.
It means so much to me.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
It's truly a book that's needed, and what I'm
curious about, I guess, to startthis conversation is well,
first, I think we'd like to getto know a little bit more about
you.
But, in addition, how did theidea for this book come about?
Is it conversations that youwere having?
Is it an idea?
Was it an idea that you had onyour mind for a while?
How did it come about?

Speaker 2 (06:03):
Well, I knew that I wanted to write a book, but I
didn't actually know what thebook was really going to be
about.
I thought it was going to beabout.
I thought I was going to callit the connected parent, because
I really see, like, at theheart of this message is about
being really connected toyourself and understanding
yourself from a lens ofself-compassion and gentleness

(06:23):
and kindness, so that we canthen show up in relationship
with our children in this way.
But when my, my what became myeditor?
When she read the book or readmy proposal, she was like I
think that this book is calledParent Yourself First and we
were like bada bing, bada, boom,yes, like that is the name of

(06:44):
this book.
Like, clearly you're amarketing genius and I'm not.
I'm not actually, I'm just.
You know, I'm a therapist andI'm a healer.
I work with families that are init and they're in hard parts of
their lives.
They're struggling with whetherit's just the general
transition into parenthood, ortheir mothers, fathers that had

(07:07):
difficult past, difficulthistories, whether that's trauma
or just something even like notfeeling seen and heard, or
feeling disrespected, or feelingpunished or made to feel small.
I will often work with parentswhen they come into this
transition of being a parent andthey often have this idea I
don't want to parent the waythat I was parented.

(07:29):
And what happens is that eitherthey end up just repeating it
unconsciously and then guilttrip themselves and feel
terrible that they made thispromise.
I'm not going to yell at my kidand like here I am, like I can
hear my mother coming right outof my mouth.
I'm not going to yell at my kidand like here I am, like I can
hear my mother coming right outof my mouth.
Or they go to the other endwhere they are just like
completely overcompensating, tothe point where it's almost like

(07:51):
they're trying too hard andit's creating a lot of anxiety
and insecurity in the children.
And so I just thought, wow, weneed to peel back these layers
and we need parents like to havea very accessible tool to help
them.
One know how to peel back thelayers, right?
I felt like a lot of books justsay go heal yourself, but they
don't actually provide you thedetails and the steps of what

(08:15):
that actually looks like, whichis what I do in the book.
It's really laid out veryclearly and easily for you to
remember, and there's so manydifferent tools so you can pick
and choose the ones thatactually mean the most to you
and support you the most, sothat you can focus on that
healing, self-reflective workthat you need to do for yourself

(08:35):
.
That is what parenting yourselffirst is, so that you can show
up for your children in thatconnected, consistent way that
you really desire to show up.

Speaker 1 (08:46):
I really feel like this is one of those books that
I'll keep referring to.
You know, like in a moment whenyou gain awareness for
something because it takes timeyou don't just read the book and
say, okay, got this, you know,you have the reflection prompts.
You break it down in terms ofus having to work on ourselves
first, and once thatself-awareness is there, then we
build that connection with ourchild.
It was written in a way thatjust flows beautifully and I

(09:09):
know that we have to keep stillat that point.
Coming back to it, there's asentence that really stood out
for me at the beginning and Iwant this to sort of be the
foundation of this conversation.
But it says having kids revealwounds in us, and I think that,
from the parents I've spokenwith, sometimes those wounds are
not obvious, and I wanted tosay that I appreciate that you

(09:32):
shared your story and that youbrought in conversations and
other parents into this, becauseI think that's how we can
relate to them, and there mightbe a parent reading this saying
I hadn't really realized thatthat aspect of my childhood or
upbringing was impacting the waythat I'm parenting.
Do you feel that that might bean aspect, too, where the
awareness piece might not bethat obvious for all parents.

Speaker 2 (09:53):
I definitely think that awareness piece, especially
about how our past shows up inan instant with our children.
I think that most parents,unless they've been in therapy
for a while or they've beenreading some books, like maybe
Dan Siegel's Parenting from theInside Out, something like that

(10:15):
I do think that most parentsdon't necessarily see that there
is a connection or understandthe relevance of it, especially
if you were just made to buttonit up and keep going and bury it
.
You know passes in the past,you know I was beat.
I turned out just fine, right.
If you kind of grew up withthose types of ideas and those

(10:36):
types of messages which you know, let's be real, I think a lot
of people have, it can bedifficult to understand that.
No, that actually did havequite an impact on me, and so in
the book I talk about some oflike the four main relational
needs that we have.
We have that need to feel seen,to feel heard, to feel

(10:56):
understood and to feel safe, andso just very, very simply, I
think a lot of the times whenwe're talking about wounds being
revealed, the wounds are goingto be in like one or more of
those areas of not feeling seen,not feeling heard, not feeling
understood, not feeling safe,and that becomes a really, I

(11:18):
think, steady anchor.
I had a mother today actuallytalking about how what did she
say?
Her child suddenly startedbecoming very clingy to her, her
six-year-old, to the pointwhere she's having to pry her
child off to go and do thingsthat the child previously used
to love doing.

(11:38):
My first thought process, myfirst questions, are when did
this start?
What was happening around whenthis started, and what does this
bring up for you?
And that's really what the bookteaches us to do.
It teaches us to go back and toexamine the history and to
connect with what it's bringingup for us.

(11:58):
So this mother says that itstarted this past summer when
they had a bunch of plans, theywere doing a bunch of stuff and
schedules were very tight andthe daughter didn't have a whole
lot of say in terms of what shewas going to be doing.
And I then asked mom to reflecton what this brought up for her
and she said well, it reallymakes me feel trapped.

(12:21):
So this now this mother, we'vebeen able, like we've been all
working together so we're ableto get to that point where she
could go into her history andshe could explore what that
feeling of being trapped waslike for her.
Did she experience that as akid?
What's her relationship withfeeling trapped?
And and this is where I thinkthe bridge is so important, when

(12:44):
you are able to reflect andhave awareness of the wounds and
things that are coming up foryou with your kid, you can then
be curious is that what my kidis feeling too?
You can wonder, hmm, is shefeeling trapped?
And it would make sense really,when you think of it logically,

(13:05):
if she spent the whole summerand into the next school year
being, really, you know, havingto be on an adult schedule and
not really having a say.
You can see how a six-year-oldmight feel like I don't have any
freedom, and we can alsounderstand how they may not be
great at communicating that.
Now, this is why I think theway that this mindset is

(13:26):
different is, you know, atraditional parenting paradigm
might look at.
We have to have consequencesfor her right.
We have to explain to her thatthis behavior is unacceptable
and tell her to suck it up andtell her to keep going that you
know she doesn't, she's notgoing to always get what she
wants.
That's not how the worldoperates.
So it's.
It's really coming from thisplace of disconnection, right,

(13:48):
I'm not willing to see you, I'mnot willing to hear you, I am
not willing to understand you orkeep you safe.
Whether it's willing or able to, that's honestly, moment to
moment.
I think most parents desire to,but I think in the moment we
might be so triggered that beingvulnerable and being intimate
and being connected, it getsscary, and you know what I mean.

(14:12):
That's what I'm trying to teachparents to do.
This is really a book aboutbeing in relationship with
yourself and being inrelationship with your children.

Speaker 1 (14:25):
Right, and there's a lot of work that goes into that
and I don't think that we putenough of that or give enough
space to that work that we haveto do with ourselves, right.
I think that you know theexample you mentioned is so
relatable and there's a parentthat I spoke with this week that
she was struggling with seeingher mom not show empathy towards
her kids and that would bringup the lack of empathy that she

(14:49):
grew up with, and there are somany examples that just fall
within what you are offering interms of support, right, and
this mom doesn't.
She didn't know where to begin.
Like, how do you begin thatwork?
Do you ignore, do you set aboundary, that mother that you
know her mother doesn't even seeit, and so there's a lot of
work that we need to do.
What would you offer as advicefor a parent who says I see it,

(15:14):
I'm aware of certain things likemy mom lacking empathy or my
childhood that I know isbringing certain things up, but
where do we begin in terms ofthe work?
As we're reading your book, Isit about?
Is it the journaling piece?
Is it about talking to somebody?
How do we start that work tokind of even open up that
awareness even more.

Speaker 2 (15:36):
So I think probably the most important place to
start is learning to sit withwhat makes us feel uncomfortable
, and it is in that process thatwe are able to sit with the
discomfort, that we canunderstand and start to learn.
What is the discomfort tryingto teach me right now?

Speaker 1 (15:57):
Right.

Speaker 2 (15:59):
So in the book I talk , I have it as like an acronym
to help us remember.
So SIT as an acronym, s standsfor slow down.
I is internally sense.
So I'm asking you to get out ofyour head and stop thinking
your way out of things andreally invite yourself to just
feeling your way through things.

(16:20):
And then T is talking to thefeeling starting to have a
dialogue with the feeling.
In the book I talk about aclient who was talking with her
anxiety and learning that heranxiety would come out like a
critic and because it was soafraid, so afraid that she was

(16:41):
failing and effing these kids up.

Speaker 1 (16:44):
Her words, not mine.

Speaker 2 (16:45):
So many, right yeah, so many parents have that fear
and really the critic was sostrong and so loud, reminding
her at every single misstep whata failure you are with this
intent or this desire to try toget her to stop failing.
And so, now that we have thisawareness, okay, my inner critic

(17:08):
is online and it's trying toprotect me from failure.
I can now have a differentrelationship with this
protective, immature part ofmyself.
I can go into exploring that.
Whose voice does this innercritic belong to?
A lot of the times, the innercritic is a.
It's a learned voice.

(17:30):
For a lot of women, it comesfrom their mothers, but it could
come from really anybody.
It could come from a teacher,it could come from a sibling, it
could come from a father, itcould come from anybody, it
doesn't matter.
So we want to understand, like,whose voice is this?
And then we want topsychologically like give that
back to the other person.
Right, let them deal with that.

(17:51):
This is what being a cyclebreaker is all about.
It's not about showing upperfectly.
It's about recognizing whatwork is actually mine to be
doing and releasing the workthat is not yours.
And you know, I think, for thatspecific example that you

(18:13):
provided about the motherlacking empathy, I would
encourage the person to sit with, whatever that feeling is
that's coming up for them, is it?
I can never get it right?
Like nobody sees me, I feelinvisible, or I feel like
something's wrong with mebecause I'm feeling this way and

(18:34):
I'm being told I shouldn't beLike, do I feel wrong in some
way?
Or do I feel like I have to beperfect in order to get love?
Or do I feel like I'm a burden,right, right?
So figuring out like what isthe core wound here that's being
brought up for you, and thenmaking a decision on what you

(18:57):
want to do with it.
Do you have the type ofrelationship with your parent
where you can have a vulnerableand intimate conversation where
accountability can happen?
If that's the case, I'm all forhaving the hard conversations,
but I also understand thatthat's not the case with many of

(19:19):
my clients, and so sometimesit's lowering expectations,
aligning expectations with thereality that they're not going
to see the hurt they're causing,and so we just have to have
better boundaries with them.

Speaker 1 (19:33):
Right and boundaries you explain in the book is not
what we all think.
Can you explain what boundariesare?

Speaker 2 (19:38):
Yes, boundaries are not how to control other
people's behavior.
Boundaries are saying what it'sreally about our own behavior,
what we are going to do, what isacceptable to us, and I really
like to think of boundaries as abridge that we build to connect
us in a safe way with otherpeople, as opposed to a wall
that shuts us off from people.

(19:59):
Right, right.
So if we're, if we're just, ifwe're aligning our expectations
with reality and we're like momis never going to change, she is
not going to be empathetic andshe's probably going to continue
to be critical and will makedigs and comments that make me
feel badly.
So what's a boundary that I canset here?

Speaker 1 (20:24):
feel badly, so what's a boundary?

Speaker 2 (20:25):
that I can set here.

Speaker 1 (20:25):
So I have another acronym.
The book is full of acronyms, Iknow, but it helps.
I really think that we shouldbe putting these on like
post-its on our fridge.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
Good, I'm so glad.
Maybe I'll create a littlehandout with all the acronyms in
the book.
So set is, state what you needclearly, express compassion and
treat with respect.
So sometimes I think justseeing the good in other people
is really helpful.
So, like, hey, mom, I knowyou're trying to help, right

(20:54):
With the lack of empathy, right?
I hear you, you're trying tohelp.
You want everybody to feelbetter.
Thank you for that.
And it's not actually reallyhelping me right now.
It's making me feel morestressed.
So I'm going to ask if youcould please stop that.
That way I can take care ofmyself, please.
Or I'm going to ask that you,please, you know, let's find

(21:15):
another way to interact with mydaughter, or, you know, let me
take care of it, mom, I've gotit, something like that.
So now we're not putting peopleon the defense, we're
protecting the relationshipsthat we care about, even when
they're not perfectly functional, and in a way, we're kind of
modeling and teaching how to bein a functional, healthy

(21:36):
relationship with us.
Right, that's what boundariesare.
They are the tool to teachothers.
This is how we get to be inrelationship together.
That feels safe and good for me, and the hope is that the other
person also has theirboundaries and you get to be
uncomfortable with what theirboundaries are and you learn how

(21:56):
to wrestle with it.
That's the that's.

Speaker 1 (21:59):
Boundaries are so important, but I know that many
of us, including myself, onlyreally started understanding
this and applying this in mylate 30s, and so I think we've
heard about boundaries, we hearthat they're important, but you
really give us this blueprint interms of how to do that and how
to set that boundary firmly,and it feels very empowering to
hear it the way that youdescribed it.

(22:20):
So thank you for doing that.
You know, there's one thingthat you say.
There's a phrase and you saidlike we're not blaming parents
right, and I think it's.
I really applaud you for addingthat, because I think sometimes
we feel bad for setting thatboundary, or we feel bad for
kind of you know, I don't knowlike trying to set things
straight with our parents, andit's not blaming them, but we

(22:43):
can still acknowledge what right.
I don't think that takes awaythe idea that we can't talk to
them about certain thingswithout blaming them, but
they're bringing their own workthat they might not have done,
and so it's really important forus to say that I know that
there are different cultures aswell that as soon as you talk
about something that you don'tagree with with your parent,
it's like you're saying they'rethe worst parent, and so those

(23:04):
are hard conversations to have,but reminding us we're not
blaming the parent, but we'restill addressing something
that's important to us, I thinkis really important.

Speaker 2 (23:14):
Yeah, I think when we're blaming anybody, really
it's just a way to cast off ourown shame and to not deal with
what is really being triggeredwithin us.
Yeah, I mean, parents' lack ofaccountability is a problem, and
that is a motif, I think, or atheme that a lot of people

(23:35):
experience.
But I think where we can bemore empowered is lowering our
expectations for theaccountability that they can or
cannot take.
If they're just not going to,there is no amount of really
anything that you're going tosay or do to make them take it.
So you have to find you stillhave to live your life, and you

(23:56):
have to live your lifeconfidently, and this is your
one life that we get to live and, like you, deserve to live it
in a way that feels really goodfor you.
You know I mean.
My hope, though, to beperfectly honest, is that this
is a book that brings peopletogether and that brings
families together.

(24:17):
I think that, no matter whereyou might be on the parenting
journey, you're going to getsomething out of this book.
You read the first part.
You on the parenting journey,you're going to get something
out of this book.
You read the first part.
You're going to leave part one.
Knowing yourself so well.
You're going to finish offparts two and three having such
deep compassion and awarenessfor your children and for your
parent partner and for all ofthe people that are involved in

(24:41):
your life parent partner and forall of the people that are
involved in your life and thatwas really like.
What I wanted out of this bookis to like see yourself on a
page, bring people together andhelp.
Like have healing actuallyhappen in our relationships.

Speaker 1 (24:55):
Let's move on to that second part.
I think that the connectionpiece is really important
because sometimes I speak toparents who say I really
struggle to connect with mychild or I just don't feel
connected to myself, and so youbring in that aspect and I think
it's really important for us totalk about that.
So when we think aboutconnection, how do you define it
or describe it, and why do someof us struggle to connect with

(25:17):
our kids, especially duringtheir difficult behaviors?

Speaker 2 (25:20):
to connect with our kids, especially during their
difficult behaviors.
Yeah, I have a whole chapterdedicated to connection in the
book, so I'm going to summarizeit as much as I can.
I look at connection.
I describe it as the connectiongarden versus the connection
desert.
The connection garden is thisreally lush place where there's
a variety of plants that arepresent and we're really
watching and noticing thoseplants.

(25:42):
So it's that metaphor of usbeing the gardener and our
children being the plants.
And what connection?
Building a real sense ofconnection with children is very
similar to how a gardenerbuilds a gorgeous garden.
They are with it every day,they're watching it, they're
noticing it, they're recognizingoh, this place, this too much

(26:05):
sun here that's impacting theway this plant is growing.
In the same way that we mightlook at our children Too many
activities that's having anegative effect on my child.
As an example, it's the abilityto attune and be sensitive and,
of course, being self-aware.
And be sensitive and, of course, being self-aware, you have to
be self-reflective enough.
We have to co-regulate with ourchildren.

(26:26):
That's a big, important pieceof connection.
We've got to play with our kidsand I don't say that to put
pressure on parents, I'm talkingabout just being playful in our
spirit and in our energy, and Iknow that that doesn't always
come easily or naturally right.
It doesn't, and that's okay.

(26:47):
We can actually increaseplayfulness within ourselves as
we lower our anxiety.
We can increase creativity,increase spontaneity, and those
things have an inverserelationship.
We will find ourselves feelingmore playful in periods like
everyday moments with our kids,like the morning routine, the
evening routine.
It doesn't have to be so hard.

(27:09):
Play is a big emphasis here.
Observation, just the watchingof the child this is how you
really get to know your children.
This is how you get to knowwhat they're interested in, what
makes them tick, what motivatesthem, what sets them off right
Just by watching.
I think parents feel so muchpressure to be constantly doing

(27:30):
and constantly entertaining andconstantly structuring, and it's
just too many demands.
We feel so much demands to be,in my opinion, overly involved
in our children's lives in avery intense way.
So I feel like true connectionis we're spending time together.
We are present together, we'rein the moment.
I'm eliminating my distractions, I'm taking interest in what

(27:53):
you're doing and when I need youto do what I need you to do, we
are working on collaboratingand we're finding a playful way
about that.

Speaker 1 (28:06):
That makes me think about what you said at the
beginning in terms of feelingsafe and heard and seen right.
I mean, this beautifulrelationship that you just
painted is all of that, and sothat's why connection seems to
be important, right for our kids.

Speaker 2 (28:21):
Right and if you come from a connection, desert Right
.
So the connection desert iswhere you didn't have that,
where it wasn't consistentSomebody seeing you, somebody
noticing you, somebody observingyou, somebody being tuned in,
somebody being responsive,supportive, somebody

(28:42):
co-regulating with you ratherthan escalating with you.
Those things were inconsistent,they were unreliable, they were
not predictable.
You think they happened but youdon't have a felt sense that
they did.
I hear that with a lot of theparents I work with.
I think my childhood was okaybut honestly I don't really
remember a whole lot of it.
I think my childhood was okaybut honestly I don't really

(29:02):
remember a whole lot of it.
So the connection desert, Ithink, is where a lot of my
clientele come from and theywant so badly to have this
beautiful connection with theirchildren but they kind of feel
like they have a black thumbRight and so when we acknowledge
how we got our needs forconnection met and we mourn and

(29:24):
grieve what was not there, it'sthat process, that grief process
, where we go through the angerabout it, the frustration with
it, the deep sadness, thedepression associated with not
getting an essential need met,an essential human need met, to

(29:47):
then eventual just acceptance ofokay, that's what happened.
I am going to be the source ofconnection for myself that I
always needed.
I'm going to nurture my innerparent.
So every time my inner childcomes out demanding that she is
the center stage right whichoften happens at the exact same

(30:09):
time that our children aredemanding that they are the
center we are able to comforther and love that little one and
help her feel safe so that theinner parent can come out and we
can be present to our children.
And that is how we correct alifetime of connection deserts
and rebuild connection gardensaddressed how we have to kind of

(30:38):
approach it that way forourselves, right?

Speaker 1 (30:39):
Because I think that's what's missing today and
I wonder if there's a link towhat you were saying at the
beginning as well, wheresometimes we over-parent or I
think you said it even recently.
In terms of over-parenting, doyou think it comes from people
who were raised in thisconnection desert, and now
they're like I'm just going togive everything to my child and
be there for you, know, and doas much as I can with them, but
then there's a it's like apendulum and maybe we swing it a

(31:00):
little bit too far towardsbeing there for them.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
I think that's one piece of it for sure, and I
think the other piece is thedemanding society that we live
in and the lack of a village,the lack of community and the
lack of support.
Lack of a village, the lack ofcommunity and the lack of
support.
I think parents feel anincredible amount of pressure,
far more pressure than I thinkparents in previous generations

(31:25):
ever felt about raising theirchildren.
In fact, in some ways, I feellike this current generation of
parents maybe some young GenXers and the millennial parents
that are doing it right now, Ithink, are like the first
generation of parents thatcollectively, have been very

(31:48):
intentional about their impact.
I think we as a group have donea lot of therapy and are not so
bought into some of thesocietal norms that we've been
told.
I know that you're Canadian, soI don't know how super relevant
this is to you, but as anAmerican, like the American

(32:08):
dream, you work really hard,you're going to pound that
pavement and you're going to beable to have all of the things
that you ever wanted.
I think a lot of parents arefeeling like I've done that, but
yet I'm struggling.
Like I'm not that's not actuallymaterializing Produces a lot of
anxiety.
How am I going to make surethat this child is competitive?

(32:30):
And so, as a result, I think itmakes us feel like, well, I
have to get them in Kumon.
I have to get them incompetitiveon.
I have to get them incompetitive sports by the time
they're four.
I have to get them started ontons of instruments and
extracurriculars.
They have to be, because if I'mnot, then I'm not being a good
parent.

Speaker 1 (32:52):
It's exactly that, and I've even heard new parents,
new moms, specifically say I'mfailing already as a mom because
my child, my baby, my infant,isn't sleeping through the night
.
Right, my God, I hear that somuch.

Speaker 2 (33:03):
I know.
Doesn't that break your heart?
It does.
Breaks my heart when I hearthat, like we have all of these
measures for our children, wemeasure our children's output
and their behaviors and use thatas a tool to determine if we
are doing good as parents.
And I like to flip the switchon that.
No, like your kid's behaviordoes not reflect how well you

(33:24):
are doing as a parent.
Your behavior does.
Your behavior, that's themeasure for how you are doing as
a parent.
Here's my deal If the majorityof the time you are showing up
as consistently, as predictably,as reliably as you can and you
are keeping in mind, you know,making sure that everyone in the

(33:46):
family not just the children,but yourself as well we're
feeling seen, we're feelingheard, we're feeling safe, we're
feeling understood.
And then that other handful, andthen that other handful,
whatever percentage of time.
You're not right, you are scary, mommy, or you yell, or you

(34:06):
don't have the patience, becauseJesus, like you can't, like you
can't possibly have all thefreaking patience, like we have
to let go of that right, we haveto let go of it.
The perfection is killing us.
So those times when thathappens and it's inevitable
repair, repair Show thatrelationships are not this
fragile that we can bevulnerable and we can hurt each

(34:29):
other, even unintentionally, andwe can still show up, we can
still take accountability, wecan still show love to each
other and we can still find away forward.
That will be so deeply healingfor every parent who does not
have a parent who tookaccountability for their impact.
It will be deeply healing foryou to be able to show up.

(34:51):
This is what I consider anunconditional love of showing up
rather than a transactional wayof loving our children.
I don't need you to be perfectin order to earn my love or in
order to get my support.
We may have our own woundsaround that.
I know I certainly do, fromgrowing up in a corporal

(35:14):
punishment environment and lotsof violence and chaos and
extreme expectations that werenever in alignment with child
development.
And here I am now doing what Ican to be mindful of how
transactional our love andaffection and connection can be
with our children and say youknow, I'm going to show up

(35:38):
differently.
I'm going to do my best to bein full acceptance of who you
are, even if it's not who Iexpect you to be or who I
thought you should be or who Iwant you to be or who I need you
to be.
If I need you to be anybody, Ijust need you to be you.
That's it to be.

Speaker 1 (35:59):
If I need you to be anybody, I just need you to be
you.
That's it, hearing that as ifI'm the child on the other side.
It feels so good to hear thatfrom a parent that you look up
to, right, like to say, like Ican be who I want to be and it's
okay, they're not putting meinto a box, and it feels so
healing and so good to hear that.
I have one last question.
I think you know sometimes Ihear from parents who are on
this healing journey and doingthe work and trying to

(36:20):
understand how their past isimpacting their parenting and so
on, and then they have apartner who is completely
against any of this and reallystruggles to even take any first
step or even say things likeI'm fine, I had a great
childhood, I don't have anythingto work on.
But then they're seeing piecesof it'm fine, I had a great
childhood, like, I don't haveanything to work on.
But then there's seeing piecesof it come out.

(36:41):
You know you had mentioned afather at the beginning, I think
, of the book, where it was theawareness of the pressure they
were putting on themselves, Ibelieve right.
So I mean it comes out in smallways that, like I said at the
beginning, I don't thinkeverybody has the awareness.
So what kind of conversation,if any, should we be having with
our partner?
If we feel that they need toread the book or that we want to
at least maybe have certainconversations with them, how can

(37:05):
we start that journey with them?

Speaker 2 (37:07):
So it's reminding me of an experience that I had with
my husband, which I believe Iput some version of it inside
the book, but to protect his ownprivacy I won't share all the
details, or at least I'll trynot to.
So we had this moment where Ifound him feeling very just like

(37:29):
exasperated by my kid, justrolling his eyes.
I was personally very triggeredseeing that and he didn't seem
to really notice that he wasdoing that.
But I was very triggered by itbecause I had parents who behave
that way and it just made mefeel like I was so unwanted and

(37:50):
annoying and just such a burdento be around.
I'm just not an enjoyableperson to be around and it
really really affected my senseof self-esteem and confidence.
I say that to know that I'mhypervigilant to those types of
things, and when I saw ithappening to my son and then I
saw the way that my son wasresponding to it, he didn't

(38:11):
really do what I did.
I just learned to kind of getquiet and get small and just get
out of the line of fire andjust try to be who I thought
everybody wanted to be.
He didn't do that.
He would fight back and it wascreating these power struggles.
Now here's the mistake that wemake.
When we see this happening withour partners and we've been

(38:32):
doing some work and our partnershaven't been doing much or
anything at all the mistake wemake is to say that's not what
we do.
You're doing it wrong.
This is the right way.
Or we'll say something likedon't you see that you are the
problem here?
You are making him fight backwith you.

(38:52):
You're acting more like a childthan he is.
What am I doing there?
I'm going right into critiquemode.
Now, does critique mode get usanywhere?
No, it literally gets usnowhere.
He's going to have to be on thedefense.
Well, I'm exhausted, I'm tired.

(39:13):
He's been doing this all day.
He's not listening to me.
I'm done Right, which are allfair points, of course, right.
How do we fight with that?
Now it's about us fighting whathappens when I'm just curious
with my partner, which is what Idecided to do with my husband.
I said, hey, here's what I'mobserving.
I'm wondering, like, what iscoming up for you?

(39:35):
And he shared that he was right.
He's burned out, he's exhausted.
Kiddo's not listening.
And tell me more like why isthat such, so, so difficult for
you that he is not listening toyou, and that reminded him of
how he was kind of not allowedto not listen as a kid.
And that like the parents woulddo whatever they had to do to

(39:57):
get you to listen, and he's justfeeling that same stuckness.
I have to just get this kid tolisten at any cost, it doesn't
matter.
And it was just in that momentof just oh yeah, that makes so
much sense.
And so like that little anxiouslittle kid part of you is
coming out and it's like thisthere's something wrong here.

(40:17):
Like I have to fix this.
We can't tolerate this.
We can't tolerate not being atan impasse and not understanding
each other.
Like that's not okay.
And we can like help thatlittle boy know that like it's
okay to be at an impasse, it'sokay to like misunderstand each
other.
It happens, misunderstandingshappen, and I think that when we

(40:38):
take this approach, thiscurious, compassionate, help me
understand approach with ourpartners, it's going to create
more intimacy, morevulnerability in a good way, a
deeper connection with ourpartners, and allow ourselves to
see each other as like, seethat we're on the same team,
rather than seeing each other asthe problem.

(40:59):
We're seeing the problem as theproblem, we're triggered and we
don't know how to you know tohelp this kid cooperate, and so
to me, it just makes so muchsense Deal with the trigger by
building compassion andawareness and gentleness,
slowing down, feeling those deepfeelings, whatever they may be,
and then finding artful ways tohelp this child be more

(41:23):
collaborative.
Connect with what is going onfor the child.
The child's feeling frustrated,the child's feeling unheard,
honor that.
I know exactly what that feelslike.
You know, I remember being a kidand I remember how hard it was
when my parents didn't hear meor they didn't understand me.
It made me want to do exactlywhat you're doing Put my foot
down and yell and scream untilthey got it.
I totally get where you'recoming from, so now I'm offering

(41:46):
that beautiful connection andthen I'm moving into
collaboration.
We got to find a different way,though, buddy.
Yeah, cause I'm asking you towork with me and I'm hearing
that you're, you know, needingmore time to build.
We have to come up with a plantogether to make this work so
that both of our needs are met,because they're both important,
and I guarantee you that yourhome is going to just feel so

(42:09):
much more peaceful and, you know, connected because we're taking
this very intentional way ofbeing in relationship with each
other.

Speaker 1 (42:17):
What a beautiful kind of picture to have of our homes
, right when, instead of thatchaos you're thinking, we're
seeing it more as calm andconnected and truly listening to
each other and our needs andbeing curious.
Thank you, brianna, foreverything that you do.
I'm so grateful that weconnected a couple of years ago.
And I'm truly.
I wish we were in the same room.
I'd want to give you a big hug.

(42:38):
I'm just so happy for you andcongratulations on the launch of
your book.
I can't wait for everybody toget their copy.
Is there anything you want toshare with us in terms of how we
can reach you or follow you orlearn more from you?

Speaker 2 (42:49):
Yes, of course.
Well, thank you again so much.
This was such a beautifulconversation.
Parent Yourself First isavailable internationally.
You can find more at my website, ConsciousMommycom.
I'm on all of the socials atConscious Mommy and I do have an
online community.
I know that you do too.
We're both nurturing beautifulcommunities.

(43:11):
I do have an online communitywhere I teach weekly classes.
I do monthly parent groupcoaching.
I have quarterly full-lengthworkshops where I discuss a
classes.
I do monthly parent groupcoaching.
I have quarterly full-lengthworkshops where I discuss a
variety of topics and we get tojust continue to learn and grow
and be in community with eachother.

Speaker 1 (43:25):
So that's the best thing.
I will put all the links toeverything that you are part of.
I want everybody to have accessto that and please get the book
.
It needs to be.
You know, I think of like theprenatal classes that we have,
and this is what's missing.
Everybody needs this whenthey're expecting, so thank you
again.

Speaker 2 (43:41):
That means so much.
Thank you, Cindy.