Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, my dear friend
, welcome back to the Curious
Neuron podcast.
My name is Cindy Huffington andI am your host.
I am a mom of three fromMontreal, canada, and I am the
founder and CEO of CuriousNeuron.
I also have a PhD inneuroscience and my goal through
Curious Neuron is to bring yourelevant science, to bring you
access to researchers andclinicians that apply the
(00:22):
science that I read, and also toshare insights, sometimes in
solo episodes like today, whereI share.
You know, according to whatI've been reading, you know, in
terms of mental health andwell-being for parents,
specifically what you can do,and so today we are focusing on
the holidays and I'm going toshare some tips three, actually,
three tips that you can applyduring the holidays, because I
(00:45):
know that holidays are difficulttimes for many people.
Sure, they're joyous and we'resupposed to be happy and
everything's supposed to be sofestive, but the reality is that
for some parents and actuallymany parents, from what I've
been seeing online this is atime of difficulty, because you
might be getting together withfamily members that cause you to
(01:05):
feel a little stressed oranxious.
Maybe there are financialstresses in your life right now,
and so, thinking about holidaysand buying your child the right
gift, or having to buy giftsfor people and teachers and
daycare educators is feeling alittle overwhelming now, or
maybe it's just the holidaysthemselves, maybe they don't
bring great memories for you,and so just being in the
(01:28):
holidays causes you to feel moresadness, or maybe even
depressed or anxious.
And so today I want us toacknowledge all of that and talk
about that a little bit andtake three important steps that
we could kind of apply, I guess,this season, in order to have
not a better holiday, but to bemindful of our well-being and
(01:50):
mental health during thisholiday season.
Before we begin, I'd like tothank the Tannenbaum Open
Science Institute, as well asthe McConnell Foundation, for
supporting the Curious Neuronpodcast.
These organizations aresupportive because we share the
science, and so that issomething that has been at the
core of Curious Neuron and willalways be part of what we do.
I cannot let go of the science.
(02:11):
It's what is my own passion,and something that I think is
really important is for all ofyou to have access to that
science, and so thank you toboth of these organizations,
thank you to you for supportingthe Curious Neuron podcast, and,
with the holidays in mind.
I'd like to give you a littlegift.
I know that I used to haveMeltdown Mountain, which, by the
way, is going to come back.
I'm revamping Curious Neuronright now.
(02:34):
There's going to be a littleshift in January, and so I right
now don't have a freebie foryou, and so I've been thinking
about this and what I'm going todo is, every single week until
the first week of January.
So for the next four weeks, Iwill be giving away two
memberships to three monthmemberships at a value of $79
(02:57):
every single week.
Now, the only way you can beeligible to win one of these two
memberships is if you leave areview and a rating and you send
me a screenshot of this at infoat CuriousNoroncom, and bonus
for you.
Bonus entry if you share itsomewhere, whether it's a
(03:20):
newsletter, a Facebook page forparents, somewhere.
Let me know where you shared it, but send me an email and I
will take all of the emails thatI received this week, and next
Monday I will announce thewinners of this week's giveaway.
If you are wondering what thisgiveaway is, the Reflective
Parent Club is our membership.
(03:41):
I launched this officially inSeptember, and if you are a
parent that struggles withregulating your emotions and
you're like I don't think I havethe tools, I don't think I was
taught these tools when I wasyoung, then this membership is
for you.
I want to make sure that allparents receive the right skills
, and emotion regulation skillsare just that their skills and
(04:04):
it takes time.
It's not just about readingabout them.
You have to practice.
And not only do you have topractice, then you have to hold
yourself accountable, and that'swhy I want to be there with you
.
It's not a membership in thesense that it keeps renewing.
(04:26):
It's a club and I saymembership because it's a habit,
but it's a club and what you dois you join and you have access
to all of these audios.
So if you listen to podcasts,then that's the way that I like
to create, the way that youlearn audios, pdfs.
And we meet every single Tuesdayat 12 pm Eastern time in
Montreal and at 8 pm Easterntime in Montreal.
You get to join whenever it'smore convenient for you, and so
(04:49):
not only do you learn how toregulate your emotions, but then
you could come and talk abouthow you've been trying to notice
certain things, or maybethere's a certain trigger you
have with your child, or maybetheir behavior is really
triggering you and you don'tknow why.
I'm going to help you explorethat and understand that at a
deeper level so that you cangain, you know, maybe a new
perspective around a situation.
And guess what?
Most of what we talk aboutisn't just about our kids, but
(05:11):
it's about us and our partners,or us and work, because that's
what triggers our emotions.
This is not just about parenting, but it's for parents, and lots
of things affect our emotions,and so, if you would like
support with that, I've decidedto extend the offering as well.
So, instead of $79 for threemonths, I've brought it down to
(05:35):
$50.
So I've reduced it by 30%, andI had a few emails at the end of
last week saying look, I justlistened to your podcast and I
missed the sale.
I'd really like to participate.
So either you try to win it andyou send me an email, or please
click the link in the shownotes.
It'll bring you directly to thesales page so that you can see
(05:57):
a little bit more information.
You get two weeks for free sothat, even when you join, you
can jump onto two free um youknow weekly calls and get a
little bit of information sothat you could see if this is a
good fit for you.
That's what I want you to makesure before you commit to this
for three months.
But it takes three months ofwork every single week, one hour
(06:19):
where you meet every Tuesday,and then little bits and pieces
I would say five minutes a dayreally five minutes a day to
being able to learn how toregulate your emotions and
manage your stress and teachyour child healthy emotion
regulation skills.
All the links are in the shownotes, all right.
So I've been following.
I follow some of these, like momgroups or parenting groups on
(06:41):
Facebook, and for the pastcouple of weeks I've just
noticed a shift in the tone.
There are always, you know,parents asking her mom, sorry,
asking about you know divorceand being afraid to move forward
.
I've covered divorce in aprevious podcast.
I'll put the link in the shownotes.
But the thing is is that nowI've noticed a lot more
(07:04):
situations of violence in homes,aggression between couples you
know a lot of moms talking aboutyou know hitting their child
and then regretting it or theirpartner being very violent with
their child and they don't knowhow to do this.
They don't know how to dress itA lot of partners or wives
(07:26):
talking about husbands beingvery aggressive, and I know it
could be both ways.
I'm just I'm just saying thatthis is what I've been seeing,
and so to me it's showing that,as the season of, you know,
holidays and kids are going tobe off and everybody's going to
be home that there's a lot ofstress that's up in the air
right now, and I think that weneed to address this.
(07:47):
So I was thinking about how wecan approach this today, and so
I thought of three very simpleways or three tips that we can
keep in mind during the holidays.
You know, one thing that we hadspoken about inside the
Reflective Parent Club wasexpectations, the expectations
that we have for our children,for our partners and for
ourselves, and I think we needto bring that back into the
(08:08):
conversation when we think aboutthe holidays.
Sometimes we have really highexpectations for the holidays
themselves, the get-togetherswe're going to have, all of the
wonderful things we want to dowith our kids, and then the
holidays come and we're like oh,I'm tired, or I really don't
feel like doing all of theseactivities, or you go to do this
activity and then something'scanceled, or the weather doesn't
(08:30):
hold up or whatever it is, andso we become, you know, really
disappointed and our kids aredisappointed, and then we're
dysregulated and they'redysregulated.
And so I think that when itcomes to the holidays, we really
need to lower the expectationand kind of take it as it comes.
If we can have lowerexpectations, we won't be as
disappointed for certain things.
But also with our kids, if weset up this idea of such a big,
(08:55):
grandiose celebration withfamily and then something
happens or they get sick, it'snot that we're going to bring
everything down and pretend thatit's going to be really boring
or not fun or we're not doingany activities, but we just have
to, kind of like, bring it downjust a little bit.
And it's not even aboutactivities that we're doing with
our kids, but it's theexpectations that we place on
(09:17):
ourselves as well, right.
So if you're a parent and rightnow it's a difficult time for
you financially, we don't haveto overdo it.
Right With celebrations and gettogethers and gifts, right, we
can bring that down.
The expectations for ourselves,for perfection.
If we want this theme for ourparty, it's okay, we can bring
(09:38):
that expectation down.
It makes me think of some, youknow sometimes these first
birthday parties or kids'birthday parties, where you ask
a child, tell me the theme thatyou want, and then you have to
find every single item thatmatches that theme and then it
causes you stress.
Well, we don't need to ask them.
We can say, hey, let's go tothe store and pick out the best
(09:59):
plate that you like, that theyhave right.
If we can do that with theirkids and show them that, things
will become a little bit moresimple and that'll cause us less
stress.
Expectations also applies forthe expectations we have of
others, and so if we are seeingfamily members or parents and we
are expecting them tocongratulate us for the amazing
(10:21):
year that we have had at work,maybe we had these huge
promotions right and we'reexcited for it, but we know that
they disappoint us every timeand that they don't show up in
the way that we want them toshow up.
Well then let's lower theexpectation, let's take it as it
comes, and if they happen tosay something great, then cool,
(10:42):
then we celebrate it and we feelgood and we feel validated.
But let's not keep thatexpectation up there, because
then we show up at their housethey don't even remember that we
had the promotion.
They don't mention it and thenwe feel like crap.
So we need to lower ourexpectations for ourselves, for
our kids and for others, andwhen I say for our kids, well,
(11:05):
let's think about what theholidays are, right?
I had spoken about this in thespecial last year where we had a
psychologist, dr Tamara Soles,come onto the podcast, and
sometimes we have expectationsfor our kids to stand up, stand
straight, sit down and sit atthe table for three hours during
the holidays.
That's not a reality, right?
When it comes to kids,especially with young kids, and
(11:27):
so we need to remember that,just because the holidays are
here, it doesn't mean that, allof a sudden, not being a kid
disappears and that they'regoing to be very different.
They're still a child, and sowe have to prepare for that,
which means we are settingourselves up for success by
(11:48):
preparing whether you want tobring small snacks with you.
If you're going to a familymember's house and you don't
know if the food's going to beready at a certain time.
Maybe you're going to show uplate and let them know so that
your child has time to taketheir nap.
Maybe you are going to leaveearly because you know that,
past a certain time, your childstruggles.
Maybe you're not going to leaveearly, maybe you say, nope,
(12:10):
this year I really need to stay.
Well then, what's your gameplan when it's going to come to
meltdowns or tantrums when yourchild is tired?
I was talking to a parentinsider the Reflective Parent
Club who said that Thanksgivingwas really difficult because
they hadn't really planned forbig emotions and meltdowns for
(12:31):
their child being in somebodyelse's house, and so I think
it's a really great reminder forall of us that we can't just
show up somewhere, especiallywith kids under the age of seven
, without some sort of game plan.
If your child gets dysregulatedvery easily.
Well, you're going to be in ahome with a lot of people, maybe
, and if you are, then are youplanning for that?
(12:53):
Are you planning for when younotice the signs of your child
becoming dysregulated, wherethey all of a sudden, you know,
are fidgety, or you saysomething to them and they talk
back, you know, to you?
What's that going to look likewhen you say no to them for that
extra dessert because they'vehad five already?
(13:13):
What is that going to look likewhen you need space?
Are you going to step outsidethe house.
Can you speak to the owner ofthe home and have a room that
you can go in with your child?
If your child is neurodivergentor really really struggles with
their emotions and maybe theyget very aggressive or mean or
(13:34):
mad and you need to step away,do you have a safe space for
your child and for yourself?
Who's going to stay with theother child?
Will your partner stay?
Will you?
What's the game plan as afamily?
And I think that sometimes wejust show up, you know, for the
holidays, and we forget thatthere are certain things that we
need to talk about as a familybefore we, you know, show up at
(13:56):
these holiday parties or traveland, you know, forget about
bedtimes and everybody's nap isoff and now kids are
dysregulated.
We need to lower expectationsfor kids in the sense that we're
not going to have a kid who'sperfectly behaved just because
it's the holidays and AuntJudy's watching, right?
(14:17):
It's not going to happen likethat.
And so, in this, what I mean bylowering expectations, it's
also have realistic expectationswhen it comes to our kids and
have a game plan.
I think it's also important tohave this conversation with your
family, right?
So if you need a child to napat a certain time, ask the
(14:39):
people living there, like, whatcan I?
Can I borrow a space, can I puta playpen there?
And, as a, that's sorry forextended family, but then with
your own family, you can speakwith your husband or your wife,
your partner, and just say, okay, look, I know that this child
needs a nap.
At that time, what are you,what are our roles?
Right?
How are we going into this?
I don't want to be the onethat's with the child the whole
(15:02):
time.
I also want to have a drink anda conversation with family
members and some eggnog orwhatever it is.
But what will you do and whatwill I do?
Just so that we know, right,have some sort of plan so that
you're not at the holidayparties being the one holding
the child the whole time andbeing hidden in a room with the
(15:22):
other child because they'rehaving big tantrums.
Have a game plan with yourpartner and speak to each other
and say, hey, we're a team.
How are we going in this SuperBowl of the year together, as a
team, so that we can, you know,get out of there successful or
as successful as possible, whichdoesn't mean perfection.
Right, there might be meltdowns.
(15:42):
There might be some that youcan't control.
There might be family memberswith some feedback not feedback,
but some advice and you justlet them know like, hey, I got
this, thanks, I appreciate it.
You know, sometimes parentingisn't perfect and isn't all
flowers and unicorns.
And what can I say?
This is a meltdown and I've gotthis, thanks.
(16:03):
You can politely decline theirhelp.
Or if you do need help, don'tbe afraid to ask family members
if you want to.
Just don't have to be perfect,and it's okay.
Nobody has it all together,it's okay.
Whoever says they do, they'renot telling the truth.
So just please have some sortof game plan with your partner
(16:24):
and with your children.
Okay, tip number two If I wereto ask you what are three
boundaries that you want to gointo the holidays with Doesn't
mean it'll be easy to set them,but what are three boundaries
that you believe are reallyimportant to set them?
But what are three boundariesthat you believe are really
important to set this holidayseason?
I'm sure we can all think ofthree boundaries that we can set
(16:45):
.
Right.
It could be if a certain familymember says something, I'm
going to stand up and speak upand not let my child be part of
this right?
That might be one of them.
It could be.
If a certain family memberstarts some sort of argument
that I don't agree with andmakes me feel really
uncomfortable, I will politelysay that I need to leave.
(17:08):
Maybe that's the boundary.
Again, I told you what are thethree boundaries Doesn't mean
asking you about the threeboundaries doesn't mean it's
going to be easy, but I justwant you to acknowledge, so
write this down, the threeboundaries, right, whatever they
would be, write them down.
And then I want you to writedown how it would feel for you
(17:28):
to follow through with theboundary that you are writing
down the three boundaries, thatyou are writing down each one.
How would it feel to followthrough with number one, how
would it feel to follow throughwith number two and how would it
feel to follow through withnumber three?
The reason why I'm bringing youon this journey of how it would
feel if you followed through isbecause I want you to feel that
(17:49):
, I want you to know that if youwere to actually follow through
with this boundary, that itwould feel good, right, or
however you described it.
And then I want you to writethe game plan.
So if the boundary is speakingup to, let's bring let's bring
Aunt Judy back into theconversation.
Poor Aunt Judy, let's say.
Aunt Judy, every single year,starts a fight with you about I
(18:12):
don't know the way you'reraising your child.
Fair enough, right?
So if the boundary is that youare going to stand up to Aunt
Judy, then on this game plan,write down what standing up to
Aunt Judy sounds like.
If she keeps criticizing howyou're parenting your child.
What would you say to Aunt Judy?
What would you say to her thisyear if she criticized you again
(18:35):
?
What would you say to her ifshe, you know, whatever it is,
what would you say to her?
So, for each boundary, not onlyare you writing what it would
feel like if you were to followthrough with the boundary, but I
want you to write what theboundary would sound like.
What would you do or what wouldyou say to set the boundary?
What's the game plan basicallyis what you're you're writing
down Boundary, by the way, again, because of everything that
(18:58):
I've been seeing on social mediacould be setting yourself a
very strict budget for your um,your, your finances and the
gifts that you're going to give.
Not everybody has unlimitedbudget.
Not many people have anunlimited budget, and so if, for
you and your family, you sayyou know what I have, this gift
exchange with the adults.
I have, you know, four littlenieces and nephews that I have
(19:21):
to buy toys for or gifts, and Ihave two teachers for my kids
that I have to buy gifts for,what does a budget look like for
you?
Can you buy gifts for theteachers?
Instead of buying something,can you make something for them?
Can you prepare?
I had received once a gift thatI still remember to this day.
It was in a mason jar and itwas to make hot chocolate, but
(19:46):
it was the sugar mixed with thecocoa and whatever flavor, the
mint.
There was mint flavor in thereand all of that, whatever it was
, but it was a really nicegesture and I really appreciate
it and I used it all winter.
And so what can you give interms of a gift that meets your
budget?
When we go back to number one,lowering your expectations,
(20:07):
remember that one.
Well then, that comes back downto this one, right?
And so if the boundary for youthis holiday season is how much
you spend, then lower yourexpectations for what kind of
gifts you can give people.
Honestly, my daughter wasasking me hey, mom, what do you
want as a gift from me?
And I've never made my or askedfor gifts from my children.
(20:28):
I always say that when you makesomething, it comes from the
heart.
I always say that when you makesomething, it comes from the
heart.
We say that to our kids, butwhy not from our friends and
family members as well?
I would rather have a reallynice walk with somebody and
spend time with them, which iswhat I had done for my 40th
birthday last year.
I didn't want a big party, butwhat I did is the people that
(20:50):
were really close to me.
We had a dinner together andthat's what I wanted.
And so talk to the people thatyou're going to give gifts to
and see what's important to themand see if there's something
that you can give in terms ofyour time.
Can you help them out withsomething?
Maybe they're cleaning outtheir basement and they're like
you know what.
Actually, I'd really likesomebody to do this with me and
hang out with me, spend a daywith me, we'll order a pizza and
(21:13):
we'll clean out this basementonce and for all, and that'll
help my own wellbeing, right,like, what can we do in terms of
service to help each other thisseason.
And so this goes back toboundaries.
If boundaries are finances foryou, then set them.
What would it feel like if youwere coming out of this holiday
season having set the boundaryfor your finances and, having
met this boundary, you know,stayed with it, meaning that you
(21:36):
didn't pass the certain amountof money that you didn't want to
pass and spend?
Well, how would that feel likefor you and what would that mean
?
What would be the game plan forit?
So that's tip number two.
That's the number one lowerexpectations.
And number two set yourboundaries.
Which leaves us with numberthree Always start with your own
(21:56):
needs.
I know what you're thinking.
It's selfish.
It's not what I mean bystarting off with your own needs
.
This is how I came up with this,because I was reading again
some comments and questions fromparents online and there was a
single mom who said this was hersecond holiday season as a
(22:17):
single mom of two kids and thatshe just felt really sad and
that she wasn't enjoying theholidays anymore.
In fact, she said if I didn'thave two kids, there's no way I
would be putting up a Christmastree, no way that I'd be
bringing in the holiday cheer,but that she felt really bad
(22:38):
because she had two very youngkids that were excited for the
holidays.
And so she said what do I do?
How do I celebrate the holidayswhen I don't want to?
And so what I suggested forthis mom was to start with her
own needs, and the reason whyI'm saying this is because I was
raised by a single mom and wedidn't have many traditions, but
the one tradition that Iremember was my mom would bake
cookies, lots of cookies, tonsof cookies, which she still does
(23:01):
.
But I only realized later thatbaking is something that brings
my mom joy, and so, even inmoments when she's overwhelmed,
she bakes a lot.
And that's what I mean when Isay let's come back to our needs
.
And so if you're going intothis holiday season and you're
like I'm really in a funk, I'mstuck in this funk and I'm not
(23:24):
feeling it this year, I'mfeeling sad, maybe even
depressed or anxious, whateverit is, and now the holidays are
coming and I have to fake ittill I make it and pretend that
everything's okay.
Start with your needs.
What are your needs?
Do you need connection?
Do you need to feel seen bysomeone in particular.
(23:44):
Do you need to reach out tosomebody that you know?
Do you need time alone?
Are you tired?
Do you need time away from thekids, maybe a couple hours on a
weekend, something.
Speak up to someone.
Let them know what your needsare, whether it's your partner,
a family member, a friend thatyou haven't connected with and
you really feel disconnectedwith them, your partner that you
(24:05):
really feel disconnected with.
Start with what's important toyou, so that you can come out of
this holiday season saying, hey, you know what, it wasn't the
greatest thing, it wasn't thebest.
You know, maybe it was a littlehard and maybe some of the get
togethers that we had weren'texactly what I was hoping they'd
be, but I took the time to readthat one book that I wanted.
Or I took the time to go getthat haircut I've been wanting
(24:27):
for a long time.
Or I worked out six times overthe holidays and I'm really
happy about it.
I stayed true to those sixtimes.
I didn't set the expectationshigh, because Cindy told me
number one was lowering theexpectations.
So I didn't work out everysingle day, and that's okay.
I set myself a goal of sixtimes and I did it.
And so, yay, me right.
(24:49):
What are your needs?
And, by the way, addressingyour needs doesn't necessarily
mean that you won't be with yourkids.
So if your needs are to listento an old ACDC album, let's just
say, maybe you're going toclean the house with the kids
and say, this is music I used tolisten to and we're going to
(25:10):
listen to it this weekend.
Hey, this is music I used tolisten to and we're gonna listen
to it this weekend.
Whatever it is, just rememberthat your needs matter too,
because when we're gonna go intothe holidays, it's gonna feel
like all we do is help everybodyand do everything for everybody
else, and you're going to comeout of the holidays more
exhausted than how you went intothe holidays.
(25:31):
If you can remember that yourneeds matter too, you'll set
boundaries, you'll lower yourexpectations as well and you'll
say you know what?
This is the year.
This is the year that I go fora walk over the holidays, one
walk by myself.
Whatever it is, everybody willhave different needs.
And so write it down.
Do it this week before you getinto the big holiday rush.
(25:53):
Write down everything that Ijust said.
So what do you need to loweryour expectations about this
holiday season.
What are the three boundariesthat you are going to try to set
this holiday season?
Think about how it would makeyou feel if you actually stayed
true to those three boundariesand then write a game plan for
each.
You might not do it, you mightnot follow through, but just
(26:16):
write it down.
That's going to lead you alittle bit closer to success.
And then the third one is writedown what your needs are for
this holiday.
Do you need to clean out thatone closet that's been driving
you bonkers?
Do you need to declutter yourhome?
That's a big one, but if thoseare your needs, write it down.
And again you could includeyour family, your partner, your
(26:36):
kids, and say, look, I need toget this closet cleaned.
And so there's parts that we'regoing to do together as a
family, and I need you and thereare parts you're going to need
to leave me alone and do thisbecause, coming out of the
holidays, if this can be done,I'm going to feel much better,
and we're going to feel muchbetter as a family.
And so you know I need to dothis.
(26:57):
If you don't share this witheverybody, they won't know
what's going on in your head.
They won't know what you'rethinking and so just share it
with them.
Next week will be a reallyspecial episode, again, thinking
about the holidays and how itcould be really hard for some
people.
I'm going to be speaking to amom whose husband committed
(27:21):
suicide two years ago, so it'sgoing to be.
It's going to start as aheavier episode, but we go into
the mindfulness aspect ofhealing and what that healing
journey looked like for this momof three kids.
So stay tuned for next week andthen the episode after that is
the 200th episode of the CuriousNeuron podcast and we are going
to have somebody very special.
(27:43):
Dr Nicole Le Tourneau issomebody whose research aligns
300% with Curious Neuron, whereshe does research around the
power and the importance ofreflection hence the Reflection
Parent Club and we are going tohave her on the podcast for an
amazing interview.
And if you are just as excitedas I am, then click the link in
(28:06):
the show notes.
We have written down, or wehave already prepared, two very
special blog posts that havereflection prompts on it that
talk about the Dr NicoleLetourneau's research.
Click the link in the shownotes for these podcasts or
sorry, not podcasts but theseblogs so that you can get to
know her research, and don'tforget to subscribe to the
(28:27):
podcast.
You can also grab a freeparental well-being kit in the
show notes.
No-transcript trying it andgetting the support from me
(29:02):
throughout the holidays and thewinter season.
I will see you next Monday.
Have a wonderful and beautifulweek.
Bye.