April 7, 2025 • 28 mins
The one mistake many parents make when disciplining their children is forgetting to teach the underlying skills needed for emotional regulation. Focusing only on consequences without addressing skill development leaves children unable to manage emotions like disappointment and frustration.
• The purpose of discipline should be education, not just punishment
• Children need to learn how to regulate emotions like disappointment before they can behave appropriately
• Co-regulation requires parents to first recognize and manage their own emotional state
• When children are dysregulated, they need connection before correction
• Creating "scaffolding" helps build skills gradually through small, manageable challenges
• Waiting until both parent and child are regulated before teaching new skills
• Skills like patience, emotional expression, and frustration tolerance must be explicitly taught
• Disciplining without teaching skills creates a cycle of continued misbehavior
• Reflection helps parents see past the behavior to the emotional need underneath
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello, my dear friends, welcome to the
Reflective Parenting Podcast.
My name is Cindy Hevington andI am your host, and we are going
to try something differenttoday.
So, for those of you who arewatching on YouTube, my solo
episodes are usually only on anyplatform that you listen to for
the podcast, but today I wantedto try something different.
I would love to put out morevideos on YouTube, because we
(00:25):
are trying to grow our audiencehere at Curious Neuron and the
Reflective Parenting Podcast andI just want to make sure that
we can reach more parents, andtoday's message my solo episode,
I think, is an important one,so let's get it out there.
If you are new to the CuriousNeuron family and community and
more specifically to thispodcast the Reflective Parenting
Podcast that used to be calledKirstenoron Welcome.
(00:49):
I'm a neuroscientist, I'm a momof three and my goal is really
to help parents, to supportparents specifically.
So this is not your typicalparenting podcast.
It's for parents, but I want tohelp you understand what
emotion regulation skills are.
I specialize in emotionalhealth for both children and
adults, and I want to make surethat parents specifically learn
(01:11):
how to regulate their emotionsso that they can teach these
skills to their kids, because weknow from research that when a
child is in a home environmentwhere the adults know how to
regulate their emotions, are notyelling all the time, are not
suppressing either theiremotions.
They are modeling very healthyemotional coping skills to their
child, and that means that thatchild is going to know how to
(01:35):
regulate their own emotions, howto cope with emotions, how to
cope with stress as well, andwhen they grow up and become
adults, this is a protectivefactor for their own mental
health, and so I'm here to helpyou specifically with that.
And, as you're going to learnif you are new to the podcast,
there are so many aspects thatimpact how we manage our
(01:56):
emotions, and so I try to coverall aspects of that.
Some episodes are about how youspeak to your child, and that's
what today is all about.
We're going to talk aboutdiscipline specifically, and
then some episodes are trulyabout your own well-being and
mental health, because, asparents, sometimes we forget
that our mental health andwell-being not only matters, but
matters even more now thatwe're a parent, because if we
(02:19):
don't support ourselves, if ourinner dialogue is very negative,
if we are struggling with ourmental health and ignoring that,
if we are not addressingcertain aspects of our past and
unbreaking or undoing some ofthese patterns, then all of that
is going to trickle down intohow well we cope with emotions
when our child has tantrums orbig emotions or is rude to us,
(02:42):
right, and so we have tounderstand emotions, and that's
what I'm here to do.
So welcome.
I want to make sure that I thankthe Tannenbaum Open Science
Institute as well as theMcConnell Foundation, because
both of these organizations aresupporting the podcast, and
without the support of thispodcast, I would not be here
talking to you, and so I'mgrateful that we have these two
organizations that believe inthe importance of science, as we
(03:03):
do here at Curious Neuron, andthe Reflective Parenting Podcast
.
And the reason why or the yeah,I guess the reason why I came
up with this topic for the solois because of a parent inside
the Reflective Parent Club.
So if you listen to any of ourpodcast episodes or follow us on
social media, you know that welaunched in the fall last fall,
(03:24):
in 2024, the ReflectiveParenting Club, and I want to
make sure that a reflectiveparent is what we are becoming
here at Curious Neuron.
So the Reflective Parent Club Isaid parenting before I meant
the Reflective Parent Club isreally a place for you to learn
how to pause, to see certainaspects of how you are
(03:47):
regulating or struggling toregulate, so that you can work
on that.
It's a skill.
It takes time.
You are going to be educatedand learn tips here and there
through the podcast and ourwebsite, curiousneuroncom, which
is a brand new website, by theway.
I really encourage you to checkit out.
You have all the episodes thatwe're trying to build up as well
the podcast episodes, if youwant to catch up on them, but
(04:08):
there's also a lot of blogs thatare written by PhDs.
We interview scientists as wellso that we can get the
information and summarize theright articles for you.
And then there's social media.
We are on Facebook.
We are on Curious Neuron, soyou can follow us there as well.
We are on Curious Neuron, soyou can follow us there as well.
We are on Instagram as Curiousunderscore neuron, and so you
can follow us there as well.
There are many ways to learnfrom Curious Neuron, but what I
(04:30):
learned after doing this for somany years is that listening to
podcasts and books aboutparenting and even emotions,
taking courses, is not enough.
We've built an evidence-basedprogram inside the Reflective
Parent Club where you can learnthe four domains or pillars of
emotional intelligence, whichhas to do with self-awareness,
(04:53):
self-regulation, parentalawareness, understanding your
child and then relationshipmanagement, because all of these
will influence how well you canregulate an emotion in
different situations whichinfluences or impacts your child
.
And so I wanted to make surethat not only did you have the
course, but that you had me tospeak to every single week, and
(05:14):
so on Tuesdays we meet at 12 pmEastern time as well as 8 pm
Eastern time, montreal time, andyou can join whenever you want,
as you're working through thiscourse, or if you had a week
that was just a really shittyweek and you're like I need to
speak to somebody and my friendsare busy this week, okay, I'm
going to jump onto theReflective Parent Club phone
call weekly coaching call andspeak to somebody, and speak to
(05:34):
Cindy and get some advice.
And maybe I had an argumentwith a partner and I need a
different perspective and Iactually I don't want to talk to
my friends about this argument.
Actually, I don't want to talkto my friends about this
argument, and so I'm going tojump onto the weekly call.
That is the space that I'vecreated for all of you, and
there's a parent that brought upsomething and I realized that I
needed to create a solo episode, and so the one mistake that
(05:54):
many of us are doing when wediscipline is that we forget
there has to be an additionalaspect to that.
Disciplining, from how we, manyof us were raised, has to do
with giving a consequence.
Right, maybe it's teaching alesson.
I'm going to give you differentexamples of this today in our
episode, but, more importantly,I think that it's really
(06:15):
important for us to rememberthat through discipline we are
teaching, and so if a child isbeing disciplined, shut down or
given a consequence for having atantrum or being rude or
disrespectful, whenever we sayno, well, what are we teaching?
What skill are we going toteach that child?
(06:36):
So we always have to look atboth sides.
So let's start actually withthe example of.
I had a conversation with aparent who's part of the
Reflective Parent Club, and thisparent in particular is saying
that they want their child toobey obey them and I get that
many of us want that.
Many parents also, who followauthoritarian parenting, were
(06:57):
raised in this environment wherethe goal is to make sure that
child obeys, but we brought upthe conversation around okay,
what does that look like interms of a child having a
tantrum?
And, in particular, this onechild was having a lot of
tantrums when it came to the endof screen time.
I don't know if you've everexperienced this, but many kids
(07:18):
will lose it if it's the end ofscreen time.
And even if you give them 10minutes heads up, five minutes
heads up, you use a color systemgreen, yellow and red, like I
had taught you many, manyepisodes ago when I was doing
this with my kids.
It's still not enough and Ithink that it's important for us
to remember that we can havethese systems, but in the end,
(07:42):
what that child needs to learnis how to regulate the emotion
of disappointment.
Inside the Reflective ParentClub, we also have monthly calls
with kids and I teach kidsthrough storytelling, through
books, through activities abouttheir emotions.
And last month, at the end ofMarch, we spoke about the
emotion of disappointmentbecause, again, parents were
(08:02):
saying that they were reallystruggling with this with their
kids, and disappointment isinteresting because it can come
out as anger.
There's a bit of sadness indisappointment, right?
So if I tell you, hey, even ifmy best friend, if she calls me,
she says let's go out next week, and then the day that we're
supposed to go out, she calls meand says I'm not feeling well
or I'm too tired, I don't wantto go out, I'll be disappointed.
(08:26):
And so we've learned as adultsmostly how to cope with that
feeling.
But we have to remember thatour kids have not.
And so if you're a child, Ireally, really want you to be
very aware of what is going onin your home.
If you start to notice afterthis podcast episode that your
child truly struggles withdisappointment, it's whenever
(08:46):
you say no to something, it'swhenever you say wait for
something, it's whenever you saynot now but later.
If you are noticing your childstruggling with this particular
emotion, I don't want you.
You know, if you're giving aconsequence because you said no
to TV or like it's the end of TVand your child has a really big
tantrum and maybe throws thingsand screams and yells and maybe
(09:07):
they're disrespectful to you, Iget that.
There's a part of that thatyou're going to have to
discipline.
I get that.
But you have to, at the end ofall, that when you are regulated
, when your child is regulated.
You need to ask yourself whatskill did I teach my child?
What led to this moment?
And often there are emotionsthat a child does not know how
(09:30):
to regulate.
They don't know how to regulatedisappointment, they don't know
how to regulate frustration,they don't know how to regulate
anger, and so it comes out inreally big bouts of emotions
that often are seen as themisbehavior.
Yes, there's a misbehavior toit.
Discipline or I don't likeusing the word discipline
(09:50):
Discipline is often seen as moreof a punishment.
I hope it's not in your home.
Discipline is truly what am Igoing to teach my child?
I'm going to teach my childthat you can't yell at me, you
can't disrespect me and saythings that are really mean and
rude.
But I noticed, right, this isthe language we're going to use
with our child.
I noticed that you were feelingdisappointed when I said no, we
(10:14):
can't go out for ice cream orMcDonald's or whatever it is.
I heard you get really, reallymad in the car.
You were in the back and thenyou started yelling at me.
I heard you and I felt youkicking my chair.
You were disappointed, and theuncomfortable thing around
disappointment is that it can'tgo away.
Sometimes I can't magicallymake it disappear.
(10:37):
Have this conversation withyour child.
In fact, I'm recording this ona Sunday, publishing it on a
Monday.
I had this exact conversationwith one of my kids this morning
, sunday, publishing it on aMonday.
I had this exact conversationwith one of my kids this morning
.
One of my kids had a soccerpractice and the other child
wanted to go, but they had adifferent commitment.
They had something that theyhad to attend to, and so I said
we can't go.
Actually, I wanted to go to thesoccer practice, but I can't go
(11:01):
, I'm going to stay with you.
And so they became mad.
My child became so mad that hehad his head in his pillow,
didn't want to talk to me.
He was ignoring me.
I don't want to talk to youright now, and it was just.
I let him, let them have theirmoment of disappointment.
But then, when I saw that hewas listening to me and he
wasn't just putting his head inthe pillow, I said you know what
(11:21):
, buddy, disappointment is notfun, I get it, you know.
Play with you or whatever, butthe disappointment of you not
joining your sister at soccer isstill going to be there,
because I can't change thatevent, and I'm going to sit here
with you.
It's not comfortable to feeldisappointed, but I'm going to
(11:43):
sit here with you and what I cantell you is that we made a
commitment and we're going tostick to it together.
I'm also disappointed that Ican't go to see her, but we're
going to stick to it togetherand the moment's going to pass.
That's one thing I can promiseyou.
And so you have to find a way tochange your mind, to do
something different.
Let's think about breakfast.
Come, let's have breakfasttogether.
We can talk about what we'relooking forward to tomorrow,
(12:07):
what we're looking forward tothe rest of the day.
Maybe we can have some sushitoday or pancakes, whatever you
want.
Let's chat about it.
But I can't make that one thingof you joining your sister go
away.
And so I gave him time to sitwith that and I sat with him.
I gave him the space that heneeded to be angry about it.
And guess what I always picture?
(12:27):
Meltdown Mountain.
And if you didn't get it forfree, click the link in the show
notes.
Oh no, sorry, you can't get it.
You can't get it that way.
If you haven't gotten orreceived Meltdown Mountain
review, leave a review for thepodcast and a rating, and send
me an email at info atcuriousneuroncom and I will send
you Meltdown Mountain for free.
Or you can visitcuriousneuroncom and click on
(12:48):
shop and purchase it if you want.
But if you want it for free, Iwill more than gladly, as long
as you send me a screenshot of areview and rating, because that
is the only way that we cankeep this podcast going.
So that's one thing.
So I always picture MeltdownMountain and I could see that at
the top when my child's face isstuck in his pillow.
He's not talking to me, he'sdysregulated.
There is no point that I givehim a lecture.
(13:09):
There's just no point in meescalating the situation by
getting mad at him that he'signoring me and he has his head
in his pillow.
That is how he's choosing todeal with it right now.
But I can show him that I'mhere and I can also tell him
which is what I said Puttingyour head in the pillow is not
going to change anything.
You are not speaking to me.
That's not going to help me,help you, and so when you're
ready, let me know I'm going tohere, but just don't speak to me
(13:32):
through your pillow.
And literally after three, fourminutes he sat up and I spoke to
him.
He cried in my arms and I heldhim and I said I get it, I'm
disappointed too, but we'regoing to stick to what we have
to do today and we have acommitment.
We're going to stick to that.
And so he moved past theemotion.
I could have easily disciplinedhim and said you know what?
(13:52):
How dare you put your head inthe pillow?
You're ignoring me.
I'm trying to help you.
You know what?
No Nintendo today or no, Idon't know, take something away
from him.
No screen time.
I would have escalated thesituation which we've had the
conversation about on an earlierpodcast episode, when we tend
to escalate things because wesee the disrespect but we don't
see the child is dysregulated,who has no idea how to regulate
(14:15):
this emotion, and so it's veryeasy to go towards the
discipline which is the wholepoint of today's episode.
I really want you to see pastthat.
You are still going to have tomaybe set a consequence, but
most of the time, especiallywith a kid who's six and under,
you're going to have to teachthe skill.
You're going to co-regulate andsupport that child through
those big emotions.
But when you start seeing themcome down, where they're kind of
(14:38):
listening to you, when they'regiving you that eye contact if
they haven't said anything superdisrespectful, they haven't hit
you or hit a sibling, or throwna toy or whatever it is.
If that is not there, then youcan go right away towards the
teaching.
Hey, I noticed that you werefeeling XYZ, whatever it was.
It's not comfortable and I getthat, but I'm here for you and
(15:00):
the next time this happens,here's our game plan together.
Let me help you through thatemotion.
That's what I told my son.
Disappointment will come in alldifferent kinds of ways.
We're going to be out, summer'scoming and you might want ice
cream.
You'll be disappointed and belike, oh, I really wanted the
ice cream.
And I made him laugh and I saidyou know it's going to happen,
but then you have to.
I can't help you every singletime to work through it, and so
(15:23):
you're going to have to say inyour head, okay, not today, but
maybe another time, and that'sokay.
Maybe you can even picture theice cream, whatever you want it
to be.
But you have to help yourselfthrough this.
As you are getting older andbigger, I want you to help
yourself.
I will be here now, but I won'talways be there for you through
the disappointment, and it'sgoing to feel like anger, it's
going to feel like sadness, butthis is what you can do, okay.
(15:44):
So that's one example.
Again, as a parent, if you aredisciplining your child because
you want them to obey you,because you said it's bath time
and I said no more TV, turn theTV off.
I don't want to turn.
Turn the TV.
I don't want to turn the TV off.
It's so easy to right away moveinto.
You're ignoring me, you'reyou're, you're going to listen
(16:09):
to me.
Turn the TV off no more.
No TV tomorrow or no story atbedtime.
It is so easy, rather thanseeing the child for what it is,
an emotion that they can'tregulate.
But here is where one of ourmembers question comes in.
One member inside theReflective Parent Club said to
me I had no idea that I didn'tknow how to regulate until I
(16:32):
listened to your podcast, andthat's why I became a member,
because I realized through whatI was listening to on the
podcast that these were allskills that I had not learned
growing up.
Many of us haven't learnedthese skills and so what happens
?
Our child's dysregulated.
Our child acts out and it ismuch easier for us to discipline
that and shut it down ratherthan get to our child's level,
(16:55):
eye level and say, hey, I get it, you're mad.
You cannot yell at me and kickme when you're mad, but what can
you do next time you're mad?
Here's how I can help you.
The reason why I'm bringing thisexample up is last week my kids
and I were at.
They had swimming lessons andwe were waiting in the little
hallway and one mom who had afive, six year old kid with her
(17:17):
no, I think it was six or seven,because she was in my kid's
class and she had a girl whomust've been about two or three
years old.
She was standing, pulling ather mom's jacket, screaming her
brains out, just yelling fullblown tantrum in a very tiny
hallway and I could see all theparents giving looks.
I can see this child justdysregulated, completely
(17:41):
dysregulated, and the mom wasembarrassed.
The mom was probably tired andso the mom never gave that child
attention and just said arrêtede pleurer, stop crying.
And she just kept repeating itStop crying, it's enough, stop
crying.
At one point the mom even saidI know you're tired, but just
stop it, stop crying.
(18:02):
And the kid just yelled louder,louder and louder and at one
point I said, okay, what can Ido?
I just, I just want to helpthis mom so badly.
First I want to give the mom ahug, but second of all, I want
to give this child a hug becauseshe's so dysregulated and she's
clearly trying to get her mom'sattention.
And the way that we canperceive it, especially in a
(18:22):
moment when we are dysregulatedas the parent, is this kid is
trying to get my attention andI'm not going to give them that
satisfaction.
But the child is getting herattention to co-regulate.
They have not learned thatskill and they won't for a very
long time.
And so she there was a littlewall, and so I stepped to the
other side of the wall, knowingthat the girl would be on the
other side, and I came down toher level and I went peekaboo
(18:48):
and the little girl just stoppedand she looked at me.
First it was more of a novelty,right, like she's very young
and so at that age you candistract them.
The mom had to stay there and,just again, never even gave her
daughter eye contact.
And I'm not saying this tocriticize the mom.
I'm saying this because I knowthat she was dysregulated and
was tapped out clearly.
(19:09):
And so the little girl justlooked at me and was still like
crying and like trying to gether breath, catch her breath
from having cried so long, sohard.
And then I went back and I hidbehind the wall and then I, I, I
, I had a feeling that she waslooking for me and then I went
back and I went peekaboo andthen she looked at me and the
(19:30):
mom just looked at me and smiledand he said you know, it's okay
, like I got this, I'll help you.
I could have continued doingthat.
Then the kids went swimming, sowe all scattered around and
that little girl left.
But it's just to show that thatchild is dysregulated.
And I think that so manyparents don't realize what's
(19:50):
going on because we neverlearned those skills and so it's
very easy to yell at this youngchild and say like stop crying,
you're being a bad kid, you'reembarrassing me, just you're
being a pest, you're being abrat, and it's so easy to say
these things.
But if we learn to addressourselves first, in this moment
of that child being dysregulated, we're going to realize that we
(20:12):
are dysregulated too.
And so what that mom could havedone is, in her mind, said I
don't have anything left to givemy child today, but I'm just
going to come down to her leveland help her feel connected to
me.
And actually, personally, in mymost disconnected moments with
my kids, when I had nothing leftto give, when I kind of came
(20:34):
down to their level and gavethem eye contact, I saw them for
who they were a child whoneeded me in that moment and
wasn't trying to piss me off,wasn't trying to embarrass me,
wasn't trying to get myconnection not get my connection
, but like get my attention in away that was needy.
They were just being a childwho was off and dysregulated.
(20:56):
And so I saw that when I lookedat them in their eyes, and if
that mom would have taken onesecond to come down, she
might've been able to supporther child in whatever capacity
she had left, maybe just sayinglike hi or okay, where are we
going after Right, one littlequestion to change that child's
thoughts?
Because that child's ability toregulate is dependent on her
(21:19):
attention span, her impulse, herexecutive functions, which are
just starting to develop, andshe has a long way ahead.
And so there's nothing.
You know she's doing the bestshe can in this child and she
just needs a parent to act asher frontal lobe and to be her
impulse control, to be herattention span and to be her
(21:40):
executive functions and supporther, okay, so the whole point of
what we are talking about todayis I really want you, the next
time that you say that child ismisbehaving, they need a
consequence or they need to bedisciplined, I really want you
to also say and what skill do Ineed to teach them?
(22:00):
If you are in line with yourchild or somewhere and they're
being impatient, and so you saystop, wait your turn, you're so
impatient, you are so this, youcan't do that.
Okay, am I going to disciplinemy child by taking something
away from them when we get inthe car?
And I'm going to say you knowwhat?
You were so impatient when wewere waiting in line that when
(22:23):
we get home, no screen time, noTV or no whatever.
It is so easy to do that.
But I want you to say, andclearly, I need to teach you to
be patient.
Clearly, I need to teach you tobe patient.
Clearly, I need to teach youhow to work on impulse, how to?
Uh, your how to you know thatyou're impulsive?
You're not.
You're impulsive, but yourimpulse control.
Clearly, I need to teach you tobe patient and to stay focused
(22:47):
on other things when you'rebored or whatever.
It is waiting in line and wedon't have a phone and I'm not
giving you a phone to wait, andI need you to learn how to be
patient.
What is the skill that you wantto teach your child?
It is just so important andthese are the things that are
going to support our kids asthey are getting older and
learning to wait in line,learning not to be disrespectful
(23:08):
to somebody when they are angryand frustrated or disappointed.
These are the skills that aregoing to support them.
If you're listening to this andyou're saying I have no idea how
to create those baby steps formy child, which we call
scaffolding in research andeducation, how do we create
those baby steps?
So, if it's a child, a childwho's very impatient, how do we
(23:29):
create small moments of themwaiting?
So, for example, at home, ifyour child says I want a snack
now, you're going to wait fiveminutes and it's going to be
uncomfortable for both of us.
It's going to be uncomfortablefor me.
It's going to be uncomfortablefor you, but I would actually
like you to wait five minutes,but I want it now.
I'm so hungry.
Well, you can wait five minutes.
Actually, if you say that againit's going to be 10 minutes,
(23:53):
we're going to practice thistogether.
Oh, it's going to beuncomfortable, but you need to
learn to wait.
Buddy, I've noticed that youstruggle a lot with waiting
right, and it's so easy again tofall into this like you're so
impatient.
You are such an impatient child.
Okay, what am I doing as aparent to teach them this skill?
It is a skill I need to teachthem how to be patient, and so
(24:14):
I'm going to create baby steps.
I'm going to scaffold until ifthe goal is for them to be
patient at the doctor's officewhile waiting, and that's like
15, 20, 30 minutes Well, how doI build up the resilience to
that?
How do I build that skill thatI want them to learn without
having screen time or screen infront of them?
Do I play I Spy with them?
(24:36):
Do I ask them to tell a storywith me?
Once upon a time there was, andthen they have to continue it.
And then when they say, next,you have to continue it, and
then you continue the story backand forth.
We did this with our kids whenthey were very small and
struggling to stay seated at thetable.
We started story time.
Now we don't really do itanymore, but that was our way to
(24:57):
help them build a skill.
When you eat, we want you tostay at the table until
everybody else is done, and sothere were times that, sure,
when we had toddlers, it waslike, as long as you eat, you
can run off, that's fine.
But then we wanted them to havethe skill of sitting at the
table, and so we helped thembuild that skill.
We didn't just get mad at themthat they didn't have the skill.
(25:24):
I've seen people in publicgetting mad at their child for
not being patient, getting madat their child for not being
grateful, getting mad at theirchild for having an emotion that
was clearly an emotion ofdisappointment.
But what are we doing in orderto teach them these skills?
What else was there that Iwanted to talk to you about?
I think that's it.
I hope that this episodereminds you that if you are
disciplining your child again,that word to me really means
education.
It is not punishment.
There can be consequences.
(25:45):
My kids have receivedconsequences.
If you're, there are certainboundaries right, hitting a
sibling there's a consequence.
You're not playing with thattoy and you're not going to play
with your sibling right now.
I'm going to sit you on thesteps and you're going to wait a
few minutes until you're calm,but then I'm going to come back
and speak to you and I'm goingto say well, I'm going to ask
you what happened.
Were you trying to get yoursiblings attention?
(26:06):
Were they ignoring you?
Do you need to set a boundary?
We're going to explore that alittle bit together.
So it's not just about theconsequence of being pulled to
the side or not being able toplay with that toy anymore.
There's a really big element 90%that becomes what is the skill
that I'm teaching my child, andso I really want you to take the
time to notice that this weekin your home, how often are you
(26:28):
getting mad at your child, evenmaybe labeling them right and
saying you're so impatient oryou're so rude or you're so
disrespectful, but not teachingthem the skill that they need to
learn?
What does not being rude soundlike when you're mad?
Right, if they say you're theworst, okay, well, they were mad
.
What does it sound like whenyou're really disappointed that
(26:48):
you didn't get what you want.
How should you behave?
Make sure that you take thetime to speak to them about the
opposite aspect of it.
If you need support, make sureyou visit kirstenroncom.
There are tons of articles andnow you can actually create a
login on CuriousNeuroncom withour brand new website and you
can save the articles thatmatter to you so that you have
(27:08):
easy access to come back to them.
That's number one.
Number two you can visit us atInstagram Curious underscore
Neuron.
On Facebook, there's a privatepage, the Reflective Parenting.
I do mixes of all of this.
In the end, I really want you tohave the skills to learn how to
pause and to observe what ishappening with your child, and
(27:29):
so, if you really need somesupport, you can try out the
Reflective Parent Club for freefor seven days.
Click the link in the show notesor send me an email info at
curesnoncom if you want mycalendar link and let's Meet if
you want to talk.
You have some questions or youhave a struggle that you're
experiencing with your child andyou're not sure if this club is
(27:51):
for you, but, most importantly,if you are a parent that really
struggles with regulating yourown emotions and again, that can
look like externalizing byyelling all the time, or it can
also look like somebody whosuppresses.
If you know that you aresomebody that often doesn't
speak up when you are upsetabout something, or you keep it
inside and you say no, I don'twant to start an argument with
somebody, those are not healthyemotion regulation skills, and
(28:13):
so I can support you with that.
That is all I have to sharewith you today, and so I hope
you have a wonderful and abeautiful week, happy
reflections and I'll see younext Monday.
Bye.
Hello, my dear friends, welcome to the
Reflective Parenting Podcast.
My name is Cindy Hevington andI am your host, and we are going
to try something differenttoday.
So, for those of you who arewatching on YouTube, my solo
episodes are usually only on anyplatform that you listen to for
the podcast, but today I wantedto try something different.
I would love to put out morevideos on YouTube, because we
(00:25):
are trying to grow our audiencehere at Curious Neuron and the
Reflective Parenting Podcast andI just want to make sure that
we can reach more parents, andtoday's message my solo episode,
I think, is an important one,so let's get it out there.
If you are new to the CuriousNeuron family and community and
more specifically to thispodcast the Reflective Parenting
Podcast that used to be calledKirstenoron Welcome.
(00:49):
I'm a neuroscientist, I'm a momof three and my goal is really
to help parents, to supportparents specifically.
So this is not your typicalparenting podcast.
It's for parents, but I want tohelp you understand what
emotion regulation skills are.
I specialize in emotionalhealth for both children and
adults, and I want to make surethat parents specifically learn
(01:11):
how to regulate their emotionsso that they can teach these
skills to their kids, because weknow from research that when a
child is in a home environmentwhere the adults know how to
regulate their emotions, are notyelling all the time, are not
suppressing either theiremotions.
They are modeling very healthyemotional coping skills to their
child, and that means that thatchild is going to know how to
(01:35):
regulate their own emotions, howto cope with emotions, how to
cope with stress as well, andwhen they grow up and become
adults, this is a protectivefactor for their own mental
health, and so I'm here to helpyou specifically with that.
And, as you're going to learnif you are new to the podcast,
there are so many aspects thatimpact how we manage our
(01:56):
emotions, and so I try to coverall aspects of that.
Some episodes are about how youspeak to your child, and that's
what today is all about.
We're going to talk aboutdiscipline specifically, and
then some episodes are trulyabout your own well-being and
mental health, because, asparents, sometimes we forget
that our mental health andwell-being not only matters, but
matters even more now thatwe're a parent, because if we
(02:19):
don't support ourselves, if ourinner dialogue is very negative,
if we are struggling with ourmental health and ignoring that,
if we are not addressingcertain aspects of our past and
unbreaking or undoing some ofthese patterns, then all of that
is going to trickle down intohow well we cope with emotions
when our child has tantrums orbig emotions or is rude to us,
(02:42):
right, and so we have tounderstand emotions, and that's
what I'm here to do.
So welcome.
I want to make sure that I thankthe Tannenbaum Open Science
Institute as well as theMcConnell Foundation, because
both of these organizations aresupporting the podcast, and
without the support of thispodcast, I would not be here
talking to you, and so I'mgrateful that we have these two
organizations that believe inthe importance of science, as we
(03:03):
do here at Curious Neuron, andthe Reflective Parenting Podcast
.
And the reason why or the yeah,I guess the reason why I came
up with this topic for the solois because of a parent inside
the Reflective Parent Club.
So if you listen to any of ourpodcast episodes or follow us on
social media, you know that welaunched in the fall last fall,
(03:24):
in 2024, the ReflectiveParenting Club, and I want to
make sure that a reflectiveparent is what we are becoming
here at Curious Neuron.
So the Reflective Parent Club Isaid parenting before I meant
the Reflective Parent Club isreally a place for you to learn
how to pause, to see certainaspects of how you are
(03:47):
regulating or struggling toregulate, so that you can work
on that.
It's a skill.
It takes time.
You are going to be educatedand learn tips here and there
through the podcast and ourwebsite, curiousneuroncom, which
is a brand new website, by theway.
I really encourage you to checkit out.
You have all the episodes thatwe're trying to build up as well
the podcast episodes, if youwant to catch up on them, but
(04:08):
there's also a lot of blogs thatare written by PhDs.
We interview scientists as wellso that we can get the
information and summarize theright articles for you.
And then there's social media.
We are on Facebook.
We are on Curious Neuron, soyou can follow us there as well.
We are on Curious Neuron, soyou can follow us there as well.
We are on Instagram as Curiousunderscore neuron, and so you
can follow us there as well.
There are many ways to learnfrom Curious Neuron, but what I
(04:30):
learned after doing this for somany years is that listening to
podcasts and books aboutparenting and even emotions,
taking courses, is not enough.
We've built an evidence-basedprogram inside the Reflective
Parent Club where you can learnthe four domains or pillars of
emotional intelligence, whichhas to do with self-awareness,
(04:53):
self-regulation, parentalawareness, understanding your
child and then relationshipmanagement, because all of these
will influence how well you canregulate an emotion in
different situations whichinfluences or impacts your child
.
And so I wanted to make surethat not only did you have the
course, but that you had me tospeak to every single week, and
(05:14):
so on Tuesdays we meet at 12 pmEastern time as well as 8 pm
Eastern time, montreal time, andyou can join whenever you want,
as you're working through thiscourse, or if you had a week
that was just a really shittyweek and you're like I need to
speak to somebody and my friendsare busy this week, okay, I'm
going to jump onto theReflective Parent Club phone
call weekly coaching call andspeak to somebody, and speak to
(05:34):
Cindy and get some advice.
And maybe I had an argumentwith a partner and I need a
different perspective and Iactually I don't want to talk to
my friends about this argument.
Actually, I don't want to talkto my friends about this
argument, and so I'm going tojump onto the weekly call.
That is the space that I'vecreated for all of you, and
there's a parent that brought upsomething and I realized that I
needed to create a solo episode, and so the one mistake that
(05:54):
many of us are doing when wediscipline is that we forget
there has to be an additionalaspect to that.
Disciplining, from how we, manyof us were raised, has to do
with giving a consequence.
Right, maybe it's teaching alesson.
I'm going to give you differentexamples of this today in our
episode, but, more importantly,I think that it's really
(06:15):
important for us to rememberthat through discipline we are
teaching, and so if a child isbeing disciplined, shut down or
given a consequence for having atantrum or being rude or
disrespectful, whenever we sayno, well, what are we teaching?
What skill are we going toteach that child?
(06:36):
So we always have to look atboth sides.
So let's start actually withthe example of.
I had a conversation with aparent who's part of the
Reflective Parent Club, and thisparent in particular is saying
that they want their child toobey obey them and I get that
many of us want that.
Many parents also, who followauthoritarian parenting, were
(06:57):
raised in this environment wherethe goal is to make sure that
child obeys, but we brought upthe conversation around okay,
what does that look like interms of a child having a
tantrum?
And, in particular, this onechild was having a lot of
tantrums when it came to the endof screen time.
I don't know if you've everexperienced this, but many kids
(07:18):
will lose it if it's the end ofscreen time.
And even if you give them 10minutes heads up, five minutes
heads up, you use a color systemgreen, yellow and red, like I
had taught you many, manyepisodes ago when I was doing
this with my kids.
It's still not enough and Ithink that it's important for us
to remember that we can havethese systems, but in the end,
(07:42):
what that child needs to learnis how to regulate the emotion
of disappointment.
Inside the Reflective ParentClub, we also have monthly calls
with kids and I teach kidsthrough storytelling, through
books, through activities abouttheir emotions.
And last month, at the end ofMarch, we spoke about the
emotion of disappointmentbecause, again, parents were
(08:02):
saying that they were reallystruggling with this with their
kids, and disappointment isinteresting because it can come
out as anger.
There's a bit of sadness indisappointment, right?
So if I tell you, hey, even ifmy best friend, if she calls me,
she says let's go out next week, and then the day that we're
supposed to go out, she calls meand says I'm not feeling well
or I'm too tired, I don't wantto go out, I'll be disappointed.
(08:26):
And so we've learned as adultsmostly how to cope with that
feeling.
But we have to remember thatour kids have not.
And so if you're a child, Ireally, really want you to be
very aware of what is going onin your home.
If you start to notice afterthis podcast episode that your
child truly struggles withdisappointment, it's whenever
(08:46):
you say no to something, it'swhenever you say wait for
something, it's whenever you saynot now but later.
If you are noticing your childstruggling with this particular
emotion, I don't want you.
You know, if you're giving aconsequence because you said no
to TV or like it's the end of TVand your child has a really big
tantrum and maybe throws thingsand screams and yells and maybe
(09:07):
they're disrespectful to you, Iget that.
There's a part of that thatyou're going to have to
discipline.
I get that.
But you have to, at the end ofall, that when you are regulated
, when your child is regulated.
You need to ask yourself whatskill did I teach my child?
What led to this moment?
And often there are emotionsthat a child does not know how
(09:30):
to regulate.
They don't know how to regulatedisappointment, they don't know
how to regulate frustration,they don't know how to regulate
anger, and so it comes out inreally big bouts of emotions
that often are seen as themisbehavior.
Yes, there's a misbehavior toit.
Discipline or I don't likeusing the word discipline
(09:50):
Discipline is often seen as moreof a punishment.
I hope it's not in your home.
Discipline is truly what am Igoing to teach my child?
I'm going to teach my childthat you can't yell at me, you
can't disrespect me and saythings that are really mean and
rude.
But I noticed, right, this isthe language we're going to use
with our child.
I noticed that you were feelingdisappointed when I said no, we
(10:14):
can't go out for ice cream orMcDonald's or whatever it is.
I heard you get really, reallymad in the car.
You were in the back and thenyou started yelling at me.
I heard you and I felt youkicking my chair.
You were disappointed, and theuncomfortable thing around
disappointment is that it can'tgo away.
Sometimes I can't magicallymake it disappear.
(10:37):
Have this conversation withyour child.
In fact, I'm recording this ona Sunday, publishing it on a
Monday.
I had this exact conversationwith one of my kids this morning
, sunday, publishing it on aMonday.
I had this exact conversationwith one of my kids this morning
.
One of my kids had a soccerpractice and the other child
wanted to go, but they had adifferent commitment.
They had something that theyhad to attend to, and so I said
we can't go.
Actually, I wanted to go to thesoccer practice, but I can't go
(11:01):
, I'm going to stay with you.
And so they became mad.
My child became so mad that hehad his head in his pillow,
didn't want to talk to me.
He was ignoring me.
I don't want to talk to youright now, and it was just.
I let him, let them have theirmoment of disappointment.
But then, when I saw that hewas listening to me and he
wasn't just putting his head inthe pillow, I said you know what
(11:21):
, buddy, disappointment is notfun, I get it, you know.
Play with you or whatever, butthe disappointment of you not
joining your sister at soccer isstill going to be there,
because I can't change thatevent, and I'm going to sit here
with you.
It's not comfortable to feeldisappointed, but I'm going to
(11:43):
sit here with you and what I cantell you is that we made a
commitment and we're going tostick to it together.
I'm also disappointed that Ican't go to see her, but we're
going to stick to it togetherand the moment's going to pass.
That's one thing I can promiseyou.
And so you have to find a way tochange your mind, to do
something different.
Let's think about breakfast.
Come, let's have breakfasttogether.
We can talk about what we'relooking forward to tomorrow,
(12:07):
what we're looking forward tothe rest of the day.
Maybe we can have some sushitoday or pancakes, whatever you
want.
Let's chat about it.
But I can't make that one thingof you joining your sister go
away.
And so I gave him time to sitwith that and I sat with him.
I gave him the space that heneeded to be angry about it.
And guess what I always picture?
(12:27):
Meltdown Mountain.
And if you didn't get it forfree, click the link in the show
notes.
Oh no, sorry, you can't get it.
You can't get it that way.
If you haven't gotten orreceived Meltdown Mountain
review, leave a review for thepodcast and a rating, and send
me an email at info atcuriousneuroncom and I will send
you Meltdown Mountain for free.
Or you can visitcuriousneuroncom and click on
(12:48):
shop and purchase it if you want.
But if you want it for free, Iwill more than gladly, as long
as you send me a screenshot of areview and rating, because that
is the only way that we cankeep this podcast going.
So that's one thing.
So I always picture MeltdownMountain and I could see that at
the top when my child's face isstuck in his pillow.
He's not talking to me, he'sdysregulated.
There is no point that I givehim a lecture.
(13:09):
There's just no point in meescalating the situation by
getting mad at him that he'signoring me and he has his head
in his pillow.
That is how he's choosing todeal with it right now.
But I can show him that I'mhere and I can also tell him
which is what I said Puttingyour head in the pillow is not
going to change anything.
You are not speaking to me.
That's not going to help me,help you, and so when you're
ready, let me know I'm going tohere, but just don't speak to me
(13:32):
through your pillow.
And literally after three, fourminutes he sat up and I spoke to
him.
He cried in my arms and I heldhim and I said I get it, I'm
disappointed too, but we'regoing to stick to what we have
to do today and we have acommitment.
We're going to stick to that.
And so he moved past theemotion.
I could have easily disciplinedhim and said you know what?
(13:52):
How dare you put your head inthe pillow?
You're ignoring me.
I'm trying to help you.
You know what?
No Nintendo today or no, Idon't know, take something away
from him.
No screen time.
I would have escalated thesituation which we've had the
conversation about on an earlierpodcast episode, when we tend
to escalate things because wesee the disrespect but we don't
see the child is dysregulated,who has no idea how to regulate
(14:15):
this emotion, and so it's veryeasy to go towards the
discipline which is the wholepoint of today's episode.
I really want you to see pastthat.
You are still going to have tomaybe set a consequence, but
most of the time, especiallywith a kid who's six and under,
you're going to have to teachthe skill.
You're going to co-regulate andsupport that child through
those big emotions.
But when you start seeing themcome down, where they're kind of
(14:38):
listening to you, when they'regiving you that eye contact if
they haven't said anything superdisrespectful, they haven't hit
you or hit a sibling, or throwna toy or whatever it is.
If that is not there, then youcan go right away towards the
teaching.
Hey, I noticed that you werefeeling XYZ, whatever it was.
It's not comfortable and I getthat, but I'm here for you and
(15:00):
the next time this happens,here's our game plan together.
Let me help you through thatemotion.
That's what I told my son.
Disappointment will come in alldifferent kinds of ways.
We're going to be out, summer'scoming and you might want ice
cream.
You'll be disappointed and belike, oh, I really wanted the
ice cream.
And I made him laugh and I saidyou know it's going to happen,
but then you have to.
I can't help you every singletime to work through it, and so
(15:23):
you're going to have to say inyour head, okay, not today, but
maybe another time, and that'sokay.
Maybe you can even picture theice cream, whatever you want it
to be.
But you have to help yourselfthrough this.
As you are getting older andbigger, I want you to help
yourself.
I will be here now, but I won'talways be there for you through
the disappointment, and it'sgoing to feel like anger, it's
going to feel like sadness, butthis is what you can do, okay.
(15:44):
So that's one example.
Again, as a parent, if you aredisciplining your child because
you want them to obey you,because you said it's bath time
and I said no more TV, turn theTV off.
I don't want to turn.
Turn the TV.
I don't want to turn the TV off.
It's so easy to right away moveinto.
You're ignoring me, you'reyou're, you're going to listen
(16:09):
to me.
Turn the TV off no more.
No TV tomorrow or no story atbedtime.
It is so easy, rather thanseeing the child for what it is,
an emotion that they can'tregulate.
But here is where one of ourmembers question comes in.
One member inside theReflective Parent Club said to
me I had no idea that I didn'tknow how to regulate until I
(16:32):
listened to your podcast, andthat's why I became a member,
because I realized through whatI was listening to on the
podcast that these were allskills that I had not learned
growing up.
Many of us haven't learnedthese skills and so what happens
?
Our child's dysregulated.
Our child acts out and it ismuch easier for us to discipline
that and shut it down ratherthan get to our child's level,
(16:55):
eye level and say, hey, I get it, you're mad.
You cannot yell at me and kickme when you're mad, but what can
you do next time you're mad?
Here's how I can help you.
The reason why I'm bringing thisexample up is last week my kids
and I were at.
They had swimming lessons andwe were waiting in the little
hallway and one mom who had afive, six year old kid with her
(17:17):
no, I think it was six or seven,because she was in my kid's
class and she had a girl whomust've been about two or three
years old.
She was standing, pulling ather mom's jacket, screaming her
brains out, just yelling fullblown tantrum in a very tiny
hallway and I could see all theparents giving looks.
I can see this child justdysregulated, completely
(17:41):
dysregulated, and the mom wasembarrassed.
The mom was probably tired andso the mom never gave that child
attention and just said arrêtede pleurer, stop crying.
And she just kept repeating itStop crying, it's enough, stop
crying.
At one point the mom even saidI know you're tired, but just
stop it, stop crying.
(18:02):
And the kid just yelled louder,louder and louder and at one
point I said, okay, what can Ido?
I just, I just want to helpthis mom so badly.
First I want to give the mom ahug, but second of all, I want
to give this child a hug becauseshe's so dysregulated and she's
clearly trying to get her mom'sattention.
And the way that we canperceive it, especially in a
(18:22):
moment when we are dysregulatedas the parent, is this kid is
trying to get my attention andI'm not going to give them that
satisfaction.
But the child is getting herattention to co-regulate.
They have not learned thatskill and they won't for a very
long time.
And so she there was a littlewall, and so I stepped to the
other side of the wall, knowingthat the girl would be on the
other side, and I came down toher level and I went peekaboo
(18:48):
and the little girl just stoppedand she looked at me.
First it was more of a novelty,right, like she's very young
and so at that age you candistract them.
The mom had to stay there and,just again, never even gave her
daughter eye contact.
And I'm not saying this tocriticize the mom.
I'm saying this because I knowthat she was dysregulated and
was tapped out clearly.
(19:09):
And so the little girl justlooked at me and was still like
crying and like trying to gether breath, catch her breath
from having cried so long, sohard.
And then I went back and I hidbehind the wall and then I, I, I
, I had a feeling that she waslooking for me and then I went
back and I went peekaboo andthen she looked at me and the
(19:30):
mom just looked at me and smiledand he said you know, it's okay
, like I got this, I'll help you.
I could have continued doingthat.
Then the kids went swimming, sowe all scattered around and
that little girl left.
But it's just to show that thatchild is dysregulated.
And I think that so manyparents don't realize what's
(19:50):
going on because we neverlearned those skills and so it's
very easy to yell at this youngchild and say like stop crying,
you're being a bad kid, you'reembarrassing me, just you're
being a pest, you're being abrat, and it's so easy to say
these things.
But if we learn to addressourselves first, in this moment
of that child being dysregulated, we're going to realize that we
(20:12):
are dysregulated too.
And so what that mom could havedone is, in her mind, said I
don't have anything left to givemy child today, but I'm just
going to come down to her leveland help her feel connected to
me.
And actually, personally, in mymost disconnected moments with
my kids, when I had nothing leftto give, when I kind of came
(20:34):
down to their level and gavethem eye contact, I saw them for
who they were a child whoneeded me in that moment and
wasn't trying to piss me off,wasn't trying to embarrass me,
wasn't trying to get myconnection not get my connection
, but like get my attention in away that was needy.
They were just being a childwho was off and dysregulated.
(20:56):
And so I saw that when I lookedat them in their eyes, and if
that mom would have taken onesecond to come down, she
might've been able to supporther child in whatever capacity
she had left, maybe just sayinglike hi or okay, where are we
going after Right, one littlequestion to change that child's
thoughts?
Because that child's ability toregulate is dependent on her
(21:19):
attention span, her impulse, herexecutive functions, which are
just starting to develop, andshe has a long way ahead.
And so there's nothing.
You know she's doing the bestshe can in this child and she
just needs a parent to act asher frontal lobe and to be her
impulse control, to be herattention span and to be her
(21:40):
executive functions and supporther, okay, so the whole point of
what we are talking about todayis I really want you, the next
time that you say that child ismisbehaving, they need a
consequence or they need to bedisciplined, I really want you
to also say and what skill do Ineed to teach them?
(22:00):
If you are in line with yourchild or somewhere and they're
being impatient, and so you saystop, wait your turn, you're so
impatient, you are so this, youcan't do that.
Okay, am I going to disciplinemy child by taking something
away from them when we get inthe car?
And I'm going to say you knowwhat?
You were so impatient when wewere waiting in line that when
(22:23):
we get home, no screen time, noTV or no whatever.
It is so easy to do that.
But I want you to say, andclearly, I need to teach you to
be patient.
Clearly, I need to teach you tobe patient.
Clearly, I need to teach youhow to work on impulse, how to?
Uh, your how to you know thatyou're impulsive?
You're not.
You're impulsive, but yourimpulse control.
Clearly, I need to teach you tobe patient and to stay focused
(22:47):
on other things when you'rebored or whatever.
It is waiting in line and wedon't have a phone and I'm not
giving you a phone to wait, andI need you to learn how to be
patient.
What is the skill that you wantto teach your child?
It is just so important andthese are the things that are
going to support our kids asthey are getting older and
learning to wait in line,learning not to be disrespectful
(23:08):
to somebody when they are angryand frustrated or disappointed.
These are the skills that aregoing to support them.
If you're listening to this andyou're saying I have no idea how
to create those baby steps formy child, which we call
scaffolding in research andeducation, how do we create
those baby steps?
So, if it's a child, a childwho's very impatient, how do we
(23:29):
create small moments of themwaiting?
So, for example, at home, ifyour child says I want a snack
now, you're going to wait fiveminutes and it's going to be
uncomfortable for both of us.
It's going to be uncomfortablefor me.
It's going to be uncomfortablefor you, but I would actually
like you to wait five minutes,but I want it now.
I'm so hungry.
Well, you can wait five minutes.
Actually, if you say that againit's going to be 10 minutes,
(23:53):
we're going to practice thistogether.
Oh, it's going to beuncomfortable, but you need to
learn to wait.
Buddy, I've noticed that youstruggle a lot with waiting
right, and it's so easy again tofall into this like you're so
impatient.
You are such an impatient child.
Okay, what am I doing as aparent to teach them this skill?
It is a skill I need to teachthem how to be patient, and so
(24:14):
I'm going to create baby steps.
I'm going to scaffold until ifthe goal is for them to be
patient at the doctor's officewhile waiting, and that's like
15, 20, 30 minutes Well, how doI build up the resilience to
that?
How do I build that skill thatI want them to learn without
having screen time or screen infront of them?
Do I play I Spy with them?
(24:36):
Do I ask them to tell a storywith me?
Once upon a time there was, andthen they have to continue it.
And then when they say, next,you have to continue it, and
then you continue the story backand forth.
We did this with our kids whenthey were very small and
struggling to stay seated at thetable.
We started story time.
Now we don't really do itanymore, but that was our way to
(24:57):
help them build a skill.
When you eat, we want you tostay at the table until
everybody else is done, and sothere were times that, sure,
when we had toddlers, it waslike, as long as you eat, you
can run off, that's fine.
But then we wanted them to havethe skill of sitting at the
table, and so we helped thembuild that skill.
We didn't just get mad at themthat they didn't have the skill.
(25:24):
I've seen people in publicgetting mad at their child for
not being patient, getting madat their child for not being
grateful, getting mad at theirchild for having an emotion that
was clearly an emotion ofdisappointment.
But what are we doing in orderto teach them these skills?
What else was there that Iwanted to talk to you about?
I think that's it.
I hope that this episodereminds you that if you are
disciplining your child again,that word to me really means
education.
It is not punishment.
There can be consequences.
(25:45):
My kids have receivedconsequences.
If you're, there are certainboundaries right, hitting a
sibling there's a consequence.
You're not playing with thattoy and you're not going to play
with your sibling right now.
I'm going to sit you on thesteps and you're going to wait a
few minutes until you're calm,but then I'm going to come back
and speak to you and I'm goingto say well, I'm going to ask
you what happened.
Were you trying to get yoursiblings attention?
(26:06):
Were they ignoring you?
Do you need to set a boundary?
We're going to explore that alittle bit together.
So it's not just about theconsequence of being pulled to
the side or not being able toplay with that toy anymore.
There's a really big element 90%that becomes what is the skill
that I'm teaching my child, andso I really want you to take the
time to notice that this weekin your home, how often are you
(26:28):
getting mad at your child, evenmaybe labeling them right and
saying you're so impatient oryou're so rude or you're so
disrespectful, but not teachingthem the skill that they need to
learn?
What does not being rude soundlike when you're mad?
Right, if they say you're theworst, okay, well, they were mad
.
What does it sound like whenyou're really disappointed that
(26:48):
you didn't get what you want.
How should you behave?
Make sure that you take thetime to speak to them about the
opposite aspect of it.
If you need support, make sureyou visit kirstenroncom.
There are tons of articles andnow you can actually create a
login on CuriousNeuroncom withour brand new website and you
can save the articles thatmatter to you so that you have
(27:08):
easy access to come back to them.
That's number one.
Number two you can visit us atInstagram Curious underscore
Neuron.
On Facebook, there's a privatepage, the Reflective Parenting.
I do mixes of all of this.
In the end, I really want you tohave the skills to learn how to
pause and to observe what ishappening with your child, and
(27:29):
so, if you really need somesupport, you can try out the
Reflective Parent Club for freefor seven days.
Click the link in the show notesor send me an email info at
curesnoncom if you want mycalendar link and let's Meet if
you want to talk.
You have some questions or youhave a struggle that you're
experiencing with your child andyou're not sure if this club is
(27:51):
for you, but, most importantly,if you are a parent that really
struggles with regulating yourown emotions and again, that can
look like externalizing byyelling all the time, or it can
also look like somebody whosuppresses.
If you know that you aresomebody that often doesn't
speak up when you are upsetabout something, or you keep it
inside and you say no, I don'twant to start an argument with
somebody, those are not healthyemotion regulation skills, and
(28:13):
so I can support you with that.
That is all I have to sharewith you today, and so I hope
you have a wonderful and abeautiful week, happy
reflections and I'll see younext Monday.
Bye.
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