June 24, 2024 • 18 mins
Constantly striving for an idealized version of yourself might not be as beneficial as it seems. Do you ever wonder if the endless pursuit of self-improvement is actually doing more harm than good? Join me, as I challenge the pervasive self-help culture that pressures us into relentless self-improvement. Inspired by an enlightening anecdote from Phil Knight's "Shoe Dog," I'll highlight the value of embracing our inherent traits and accepting our flaws. Discover how true self-acceptance can lead to healthier mindsets and better relationships, without the overwhelming pressure to be someone you're not.
In this episode, we'll also explore practical ways to reflect on self-improvement without feeling overwhelmed. Learn how simple tools, like using the word "because," can help you identify and understand the root causes of your stress. I'll share insights on making small, manageable improvements by recognizing your strengths and focusing on what you don't need to change. Plus, stay tuned for a sneak peek into our next episode where we'll dive into the intriguing world of lying and truth-telling with a researcher from McGill University. Don't forget to subscribe for more insightful discussions!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, my dear friend , welcome back to another
episode of the Curious Neuronpodcast.
My name is Cindy Huffington andI am your host.
Today we are talking aboutsomething that's been bothering
me, not personally about my life, but about what I've been
seeing online, and I think weneed to have this conversation
because I think this might helpsome of you that might be
(00:22):
struggling with what I'm seeing.
So I'm talking about this newyou, better you, new version of
you, change yourself, whateverthose self-help books or people
online are talking about, whichI have fallen into at some point
, I'm sure, but I'm starting torealize that that's not really
(00:44):
helpful and I want to make surethat we have this conversation
today together.
It's a solo today, so you'restuck with me.
I don't have an interview foryou, but next week I am going to
publish the interview that iswith a researcher from McGill
University here in Montreal, andit's all about kids and lying
(01:05):
and truth telling.
It is one of the mostfascinating conversations I've
ever had with the researcher oneof many, obviously, but one of
them and the entire episode isjust filled with information
that I wish I would have known alittle bit earlier.
So make sure you are subscribedto the podcast so that you get
notified when it comes out nextMonday.
(01:26):
And if you're not subscribed,please click that button.
And in addition to that, if youhaven't done so yet, please
take a moment to leave a ratingand to review the podcast.
When you do that, it kind ofbumps the podcast up a little
bit and that shows our sponsorsthat you are enjoying it and
you're sharing it and reviewingit and share it with your
(01:46):
friends.
If you like this episode or theepisode next week, there's a
share button somewhere and ifyou don't know, just send me an
email info at curiousneuroncomI'll show you how to share it.
It's that important to mebecause the sponsorships are
dependent on this.
So, speaking of sponsors, Iwould like to thank the
Tannenbaum Open ScienceInstitute at McGill University,
(02:06):
here at the Neuro actually, andthe McConnell Foundation.
They are both the sponsors ofthe Curious Now podcast.
That does not mean that this isa job for me.
This is still extra.
This is something that I dobecause I absolutely love it,
and having these conversationswith these experts and bringing
that to your home is somethingthat brings me absolute joy.
(02:27):
So make sure that you dosupport the podcast by sharing
it with any community that youknow.
Oh and, by the way, if you didleave a rating or reviewed the
podcast, whether it's on Spotifyor on Apple podcasts, send me
an email at info atcuriousneuroncom and I will send
you a $10 coupon code for thereflective parent journal that I
(02:49):
have up on the website.
So instead of $30, you can haveit for 20, and it's 100 pages
of reflection prompts and I knowthat sounds overwhelming, but
it's broken down into differentcategories so that if you're
struggling with yourrelationship, for instance, or
the relationship with your child, or your own values and your
boundaries, you can dive rightinto that particular section and
(03:12):
start the reflection promptsthat will lead you to an answer
you know, in terms of how tostart working on that aspect of
your life.
So it's not that overwhelming.
And I've been hinting awayregarding the fact that I'm
going to be launching acommunity in the fall the
Reflective Parent Club and I'mjust so excited.
We are building this in thebackground and I have some
(03:34):
really excited team members thatare parents themselves and want
this to get started sooner thanlater.
I'm taking what I've done withthe workbook and bringing that
into a live format.
So if you're somebody who keepssaying you know, I want to
improve myself, I want to workon my well-being, I want to
nurture that for the first time,and you know it's not about
(03:54):
necessarily always seeing atherapist.
Sometimes we are mentally wellbut we're not.
Our well-being needs some, youknow, support and we fall in
this sort of gray zone thatwe're not super well, um, but
we're not unwell either.
So we need some support thereand I want to give you the
guidance.
I want to train you with theskills and the tools that you
(04:15):
need so that you can reflect andsupport somebody else in your
life who says something likethis is stuck on my mind that
you can help them out.
I put the waitlist link in theshow notes so that way, if you,
if this is something that isinteresting to you, make sure
you do fill in that form,because you will get a discount
when it launches in Septemberand I want to make sure that you
(04:38):
don't miss that.
So click the link in the shownotes, all right?
So I was reading.
I am currently reading the bookcalled Shoe Dog by Phil Knight.
I'm enjoying it so much andit's the story of Nike.
He is the founder and there wasa part that kind of got me
laughing and then, because ofhow I am, I kind of stopped
(04:59):
reading and reflected on thatfor a while and then I realized
that this was happening a lotmore often, reading and
reflected on that for a whileand then I realized that this
was happening a lot more often.
So he was talking about rightafter getting married and that
his new wife had to learn aboutall his flaws, which were very
common, so being absent-minded,her asking him to go get
something at the grocery storeand he comes back with nothing.
(05:20):
Him forgetting where he putshis keys and his you know
belongings, whatever items.
Him just dropping clothing onthe floor and it stays there,
and him always having a lot tothink of because he was trying
to run his own company andthere's a lot that that goes on
(05:41):
and just really not beingpresent and her having to
understand that this was who hewas.
And that's what I want to focuson for our conversation today.
When I say something like thatis who I am right.
So I've had this conversationwith friends and family members
where somebody might say butthis is who I am, but the
(06:03):
qualities that they're talkingabout might not necessarily be
conducive to building strong andhealthy relationships in their
environment, whether it's withtheir partner or friends, and
they might say this is who I amand it's a quality or a
personality trait that's leadingto some really uncomfortable
moments and difficult challengesbetween that person and other
(06:27):
people around them.
So when I think about this iswho I am, I also think about a
lot of the social media stuffthat I see, where it's about the
new you right Books that talkabout that as well, like
transform yourself, develop allthese habits, become a new
version of yourself.
So this kind of contrasts whatI just said, because I'm saying
(06:51):
that some people say, well,that's who I am, and I'm saying,
well, I'm kind of bothered byself-help books and social media
accounts saying that we need tochange ourselves.
So there's a twist.
I know you're confused rightnow, so here's what I want to
try to get across as a pointtoday it isn't about changing
(07:13):
who you are.
I don't want you to find a newversion of yourself.
I think that it's important thatwe try to become more attuned
with ourself, more connectedwith ourself, and understand
ourself a little bit more.
Once we do connect a little bitmore and start understanding
ourselves.
We might say well, I've noticedthat I get in really heated
(07:38):
debates with my partner when Idon't validate their emotions.
Or I noticed that I get intothese heated arguments with my
partner when they don't validatemy emotions.
It's almost like it's a triggerand I go from anger to rage,
right.
So the more we look inward,right, which is the whole point
(08:01):
of all this.
All of these self-help books arekind of, I feel, sometimes
imposing new habits, new ways ofbeing, new ways of thinking,
but it's not allowing us to digdeep and go inside to reflect on
our own habits and our own waysof being.
(08:22):
That might be having a reallybig impact on our well-being and
our mental health and therelationships around us and our
friendships and so on.
In addition, I think that whenwe're in a relationship, we kind
of do that sometimes with ourpartners where we want to impose
a new version of them, and Ifeel that sometimes that could
(08:43):
be a lot of pressure, and I'vesort of had this discussion with
my partner a few times with myhusband, where you know we do
that.
I think it's unintentional,though I think it comes from a
good place, where it's like well, you do this and it's annoying
to me.
So stop it.
Right, like I think thingswould be better if you wouldn't
do that.
But we don't realize thatsometimes things are ingrained
(09:05):
in them and part of their habits, and that they might not even
have the insight or awareness toa struggle that they're having.
So why not, with our partners,bring awareness to certain
things that can be causingstruggles in our relationship or
in our marriage?
Or a friend who has a certainhabit that you want to bring
awareness to?
(09:26):
Why not bring awareness to itin a very positive way, because
we care deeply for that personor we love them and we know that
we can't change them?
But it doesn't mean that wecan't bring awareness to
whenever they use a certain toneor they say something and it
makes us feel very hurt orshamed.
Maybe they don't have awarenessto that, Maybe they do, and
that's a different.
Shamed.
Maybe they don't have awarenessto that, maybe they do, and
(09:49):
that's a different story.
But if they don't, bringing upawareness in terms of when you
say it that way, it makes mefeel this way, or when you say
that I don't feel connected toyou or it doesn't make me feel
loved by you.
These are not comfortableconversations, and I have this
written down as a topic foranother podcast, because my
(10:10):
husband and I celebrated our 15year anniversary this week and
we shared what we enjoy abouteach other and my husband said
to me that he really loves thefact that I bring up
uncomfortable conversations andI think there's a whole episode
there, because I think we dostep back from doing that.
(10:32):
But I digress, we're going totalk about that in another
podcast, but for today, I justreally really want you to
reflect on the what is it thatyou are imposing on someone to
change and what is it that youfeel the need to change about
(10:53):
you?
And now we're going to takethat word change away, be more
specific and bring a positivetwist to it.
Bring a positive twist to itwhich habit or skill can you
work on to improve your ownwell-being or improve
(11:15):
relationships in your life?
And, looking at the person infront of you your partner or a
friend or a family member whichskills or habits would you like
them to work on?
That would make things easierand make you feel more connected
in that relationship that youhave.
Can you have that conversationwith somebody rather than saying
(11:35):
you never do this or you alwaysdo this and just leaving it as
something, that is, you knowsomething that you don't enjoy
about them in a negative way,and really opening up our eyes
to the language in thatconversation, how it makes us
feel if somebody tells us thatand how that would make the
(11:56):
other person feel.
And also, we need to focus onone thing at a time, right, if
you need.
And that's why I don't likethis whole new you version or
improving not improving yourself, but like recreating yourself,
because that's a lot of work,it's just too much, it's
overwhelming and we don't needthat kind of stress as parents.
(12:18):
We have enough on our plates.
I don't want an entirely newversion of you.
You don't need that.
You just need to become againaware of certain skills or
habits that you have that youmight want to change.
And there's another book I'mgoing to talk about in a
different podcast episode andI'm going to be bringing it up
in this community that I spokeof.
(12:39):
But it talks about at leastidentifying, becoming aware of
that new habit or skill that youwould like to work on, one at a
time, but then also, incontrast, writing on a sheet of
paper what, the what it is thatyou will be working on and how
are you going to do that?
So if you notice that you snap,you know very quickly at your
(12:59):
partner.
Take notice of that, right?
So just saying I noticed that Isnap when they, when we have an
argument, is not detailedenough.
We need more information.
When do you snap what was saidright before you snapped?
Maybe it wasn't even about whatwas said right before, maybe it
was the five hours before that,right, and it's 6 PM and your
(13:23):
partner says something to you.
But you've been handling a lotof these micro emotions
throughout the day, whether it'swith kids or a family member or
a boss or a colleague, and allof these little moments when you
had to regulate yourself andnot snap.
And then with those that welove, that's when we let go and
(13:44):
then we snap with our kids, withour partner.
So I think that it's reallyimportant that we take the time
to, you know, collect moreinformation and once we collect
more information, we noticepatterns and when we notice
patterns then we can break thosepatterns.
But without knowing the patternwe can't break the pattern.
(14:06):
So we need more information.
It's the same thing when I talkto parents about stress when
they say I'm stressed.
Well, that's a pretty generalstatement.
What are you stressed about?
I'm stressed about work.
All right, now we're going tobring in the word because.
I'm stressed about work becauseand I'm sure I've said this on
the podcast before but I'mstressed about work because and
(14:28):
I'm sure I've said this on thepodcast before but I'm stressed
about work because there's acolleague of mine who is just
overwhelming and rude and youknow I can't deal with that
person anymore.
Now we've kind of targeted thestressor.
Now we can dig a little bitdeeper and find out is it what
they're saying to you?
Is it how you're interpretingwhat they're saying to you?
(14:49):
Is it the workload, is it theboundaries that you haven't set
right?
There's so much, and this iswhy I really believe that when I
say you might have noticed ahuge change in the way that I'm
talking about Curious Neurononline on the website
curiousneuroncom, on Instagram,on LinkedIn, on Facebook I'm
talking about proactive parentalwell-being.
(15:11):
And when I say that it's knowinghow to reflect through
difficulties that you're havingand then how to work through it,
it's almost like you'recoaching yourself.
And when we begin to do that,we begin to solve the problems
that we're having or at leastpinpoint something that needs to
change and start the steps tochange that right.
So that's what I mean when Isay don't just look externally
(15:34):
and say I need to become a newversion of myself.
Look inward.
What do I want to work on?
Why?
What is the evidence of this?
Like?
Why do I think I need to workon this?
Collect your evidence, collectyour data.
I know, listen, I just realizedthat I'm turning you into a
scientist, but there's a benefitto that, because we have more
(15:55):
information and it's not justthese general statements that
are heavy on us.
Right?
Like?
I need to work out, I need tohave a better mental well-being
or mental health, I need to be abetter parent, I need to be a
better wife.
All of a sudden, those are fourvery heavy tasks or
undertakings that I can't do allat the same time.
(16:18):
And now I always have thisstuck on my mind, and now I'm
overwhelmed and now I'm evenmore stressed.
Right, that's what I want toavoid with you.
You have enough on your plate,my dear friend, and I don't want
want to avoid with you.
You have enough on your plate,my dear friend, and I don't want
you to feel that you need tochange every single aspect of
yourself.
And if you do feel that way ifyou're listening to this and
you're saying you know what I do, I want to change every single
(16:39):
thing about me then let's switchthe conversation to what don't
you have to change.
Grab a sheet of paper, grab apen and write down things that
you don't have to change.
Are you resilient?
Are you good at settingboundaries?
Are you direct with your words?
But you need to be a little bitmore careful with the way that
(17:00):
you say it.
But being direct is a goodthing.
I have my best friend who'sdirect, and I love it about her.
She's direct and kind andcompassionate at the same time.
So it allows you to know thatthat's coming from a place of
love and that's really important.
But as you are thinking aboutwhat you want to work on,
remember what you don't have towork on.
(17:22):
It's almost like when we tellour kids everything that they're
doing wrong and we forget totell them the things that
they're doing right.
Do the same thing for yourself.
What do you like about yourself?
What don't you want to change?
Write it down, see it visually,see it written in front of you
and then start the little stepstowards making small habit
(17:43):
changes or small improvements incertain skills that you have.
When we look at it that way, itseems manageable.
And that, my dear friend, isall for today.
I hope you have a beautiful andwonderful week.
Don't forget.
If you feel that you needsomebody to speak with, send me
an email.
Info at curiousnorncom.
I'm also going to put the linkto the waitlist and I'm going to
(18:07):
put the link to my calendar inthe show notes, because I am
trying to speak to 100 parentsby the end of this summer.
That's a lot.
It's a lot of parents, but Iwant to talk with you.
I want to see what's happeningin your life so that I can keep
shifting curious neuron towardswhat your needs are and not just
(18:28):
what I think your needs are.
I want to know it.
I'm collecting data.
Help me click the link in theCalendly.
Link is in the show notes.
The waitlist link is in theshow notes.
Reflective parent journal is inthe show notes and besides that
, that's all.
Have a beautiful week, everyone.
I will see you next week.
Don't forget, the episode isabout lying and telling the
(18:50):
truth and you don't want to missit, subscribe to the podcast.
See you next time.
Bye.
Hello, my dear friend , welcome back to another
episode of the Curious Neuronpodcast.
My name is Cindy Huffington andI am your host.
Today we are talking aboutsomething that's been bothering
me, not personally about my life, but about what I've been
seeing online, and I think weneed to have this conversation
because I think this might helpsome of you that might be
(00:22):
struggling with what I'm seeing.
So I'm talking about this newyou, better you, new version of
you, change yourself, whateverthose self-help books or people
online are talking about, whichI have fallen into at some point
, I'm sure, but I'm starting torealize that that's not really
(00:44):
helpful and I want to make surethat we have this conversation
today together.
It's a solo today, so you'restuck with me.
I don't have an interview foryou, but next week I am going to
publish the interview that iswith a researcher from McGill
University here in Montreal, andit's all about kids and lying
(01:05):
and truth telling.
It is one of the mostfascinating conversations I've
ever had with the researcher oneof many, obviously, but one of
them and the entire episode isjust filled with information
that I wish I would have known alittle bit earlier.
So make sure you are subscribedto the podcast so that you get
notified when it comes out nextMonday.
(01:26):
And if you're not subscribed,please click that button.
And in addition to that, if youhaven't done so yet, please
take a moment to leave a ratingand to review the podcast.
When you do that, it kind ofbumps the podcast up a little
bit and that shows our sponsorsthat you are enjoying it and
you're sharing it and reviewingit and share it with your
(01:46):
friends.
If you like this episode or theepisode next week, there's a
share button somewhere and ifyou don't know, just send me an
email info at curiousneuroncomI'll show you how to share it.
It's that important to mebecause the sponsorships are
dependent on this.
So, speaking of sponsors, Iwould like to thank the
Tannenbaum Open ScienceInstitute at McGill University,
(02:06):
here at the Neuro actually, andthe McConnell Foundation.
They are both the sponsors ofthe Curious Now podcast.
That does not mean that this isa job for me.
This is still extra.
This is something that I dobecause I absolutely love it,
and having these conversationswith these experts and bringing
that to your home is somethingthat brings me absolute joy.
(02:27):
So make sure that you dosupport the podcast by sharing
it with any community that youknow.
Oh and, by the way, if you didleave a rating or reviewed the
podcast, whether it's on Spotifyor on Apple podcasts, send me
an email at info atcuriousneuroncom and I will send
you a $10 coupon code for thereflective parent journal that I
(02:49):
have up on the website.
So instead of $30, you can haveit for 20, and it's 100 pages
of reflection prompts and I knowthat sounds overwhelming, but
it's broken down into differentcategories so that if you're
struggling with yourrelationship, for instance, or
the relationship with your child, or your own values and your
boundaries, you can dive rightinto that particular section and
(03:12):
start the reflection promptsthat will lead you to an answer
you know, in terms of how tostart working on that aspect of
your life.
So it's not that overwhelming.
And I've been hinting awayregarding the fact that I'm
going to be launching acommunity in the fall the
Reflective Parent Club and I'mjust so excited.
We are building this in thebackground and I have some
(03:34):
really excited team members thatare parents themselves and want
this to get started sooner thanlater.
I'm taking what I've done withthe workbook and bringing that
into a live format.
So if you're somebody who keepssaying you know, I want to
improve myself, I want to workon my well-being, I want to
nurture that for the first time,and you know it's not about
(03:54):
necessarily always seeing atherapist.
Sometimes we are mentally wellbut we're not.
Our well-being needs some, youknow, support and we fall in
this sort of gray zone thatwe're not super well, um, but
we're not unwell either.
So we need some support thereand I want to give you the
guidance.
I want to train you with theskills and the tools that you
(04:15):
need so that you can reflect andsupport somebody else in your
life who says something likethis is stuck on my mind that
you can help them out.
I put the waitlist link in theshow notes so that way, if you,
if this is something that isinteresting to you, make sure
you do fill in that form,because you will get a discount
when it launches in Septemberand I want to make sure that you
(04:38):
don't miss that.
So click the link in the shownotes, all right?
So I was reading.
I am currently reading the bookcalled Shoe Dog by Phil Knight.
I'm enjoying it so much andit's the story of Nike.
He is the founder and there wasa part that kind of got me
laughing and then, because ofhow I am, I kind of stopped
(04:59):
reading and reflected on thatfor a while and then I realized
that this was happening a lotmore often, reading and
reflected on that for a whileand then I realized that this
was happening a lot more often.
So he was talking about rightafter getting married and that
his new wife had to learn aboutall his flaws, which were very
common, so being absent-minded,her asking him to go get
something at the grocery storeand he comes back with nothing.
(05:20):
Him forgetting where he putshis keys and his you know
belongings, whatever items.
Him just dropping clothing onthe floor and it stays there,
and him always having a lot tothink of because he was trying
to run his own company andthere's a lot that that goes on
(05:41):
and just really not beingpresent and her having to
understand that this was who hewas.
And that's what I want to focuson for our conversation today.
When I say something like thatis who I am right.
So I've had this conversationwith friends and family members
where somebody might say butthis is who I am, but the
(06:03):
qualities that they're talkingabout might not necessarily be
conducive to building strong andhealthy relationships in their
environment, whether it's withtheir partner or friends, and
they might say this is who I amand it's a quality or a
personality trait that's leadingto some really uncomfortable
moments and difficult challengesbetween that person and other
(06:27):
people around them.
So when I think about this iswho I am, I also think about a
lot of the social media stuffthat I see, where it's about the
new you right Books that talkabout that as well, like
transform yourself, develop allthese habits, become a new
version of yourself.
So this kind of contrasts whatI just said, because I'm saying
(06:51):
that some people say, well,that's who I am, and I'm saying,
well, I'm kind of bothered byself-help books and social media
accounts saying that we need tochange ourselves.
So there's a twist.
I know you're confused rightnow, so here's what I want to
try to get across as a pointtoday it isn't about changing
(07:13):
who you are.
I don't want you to find a newversion of yourself.
I think that it's important thatwe try to become more attuned
with ourself, more connectedwith ourself, and understand
ourself a little bit more.
Once we do connect a little bitmore and start understanding
ourselves.
We might say well, I've noticedthat I get in really heated
(07:38):
debates with my partner when Idon't validate their emotions.
Or I noticed that I get intothese heated arguments with my
partner when they don't validatemy emotions.
It's almost like it's a triggerand I go from anger to rage,
right.
So the more we look inward,right, which is the whole point
(08:01):
of all this.
All of these self-help books arekind of, I feel, sometimes
imposing new habits, new ways ofbeing, new ways of thinking,
but it's not allowing us to digdeep and go inside to reflect on
our own habits and our own waysof being.
(08:22):
That might be having a reallybig impact on our well-being and
our mental health and therelationships around us and our
friendships and so on.
In addition, I think that whenwe're in a relationship, we kind
of do that sometimes with ourpartners where we want to impose
a new version of them, and Ifeel that sometimes that could
(08:43):
be a lot of pressure, and I'vesort of had this discussion with
my partner a few times with myhusband, where you know we do
that.
I think it's unintentional,though I think it comes from a
good place, where it's like well, you do this and it's annoying
to me.
So stop it.
Right, like I think thingswould be better if you wouldn't
do that.
But we don't realize thatsometimes things are ingrained
(09:05):
in them and part of their habits, and that they might not even
have the insight or awareness toa struggle that they're having.
So why not, with our partners,bring awareness to certain
things that can be causingstruggles in our relationship or
in our marriage?
Or a friend who has a certainhabit that you want to bring
awareness to?
(09:26):
Why not bring awareness to itin a very positive way, because
we care deeply for that personor we love them and we know that
we can't change them?
But it doesn't mean that wecan't bring awareness to
whenever they use a certain toneor they say something and it
makes us feel very hurt orshamed.
Maybe they don't have awarenessto that, Maybe they do, and
that's a different.
Shamed.
Maybe they don't have awarenessto that, maybe they do, and
(09:49):
that's a different story.
But if they don't, bringing upawareness in terms of when you
say it that way, it makes mefeel this way, or when you say
that I don't feel connected toyou or it doesn't make me feel
loved by you.
These are not comfortableconversations, and I have this
written down as a topic foranother podcast, because my
(10:10):
husband and I celebrated our 15year anniversary this week and
we shared what we enjoy abouteach other and my husband said
to me that he really loves thefact that I bring up
uncomfortable conversations andI think there's a whole episode
there, because I think we dostep back from doing that.
(10:32):
But I digress, we're going totalk about that in another
podcast, but for today, I justreally really want you to
reflect on the what is it thatyou are imposing on someone to
change and what is it that youfeel the need to change about
(10:53):
you?
And now we're going to takethat word change away, be more
specific and bring a positivetwist to it.
Bring a positive twist to itwhich habit or skill can you
work on to improve your ownwell-being or improve
(11:15):
relationships in your life?
And, looking at the person infront of you your partner or a
friend or a family member whichskills or habits would you like
them to work on?
That would make things easierand make you feel more connected
in that relationship that youhave.
Can you have that conversationwith somebody rather than saying
(11:35):
you never do this or you alwaysdo this and just leaving it as
something, that is, you knowsomething that you don't enjoy
about them in a negative way,and really opening up our eyes
to the language in thatconversation, how it makes us
feel if somebody tells us thatand how that would make the
(11:56):
other person feel.
And also, we need to focus onone thing at a time, right, if
you need.
And that's why I don't likethis whole new you version or
improving not improving yourself, but like recreating yourself,
because that's a lot of work,it's just too much, it's
overwhelming and we don't needthat kind of stress as parents.
(12:18):
We have enough on our plates.
I don't want an entirely newversion of you.
You don't need that.
You just need to become againaware of certain skills or
habits that you have that youmight want to change.
And there's another book I'mgoing to talk about in a
different podcast episode andI'm going to be bringing it up
in this community that I spokeof.
(12:39):
But it talks about at leastidentifying, becoming aware of
that new habit or skill that youwould like to work on, one at a
time, but then also, incontrast, writing on a sheet of
paper what, the what it is thatyou will be working on and how
are you going to do that?
So if you notice that you snap,you know very quickly at your
(12:59):
partner.
Take notice of that, right?
So just saying I noticed that Isnap when they, when we have an
argument, is not detailedenough.
We need more information.
When do you snap what was saidright before you snapped?
Maybe it wasn't even about whatwas said right before, maybe it
was the five hours before that,right, and it's 6 PM and your
(13:23):
partner says something to you.
But you've been handling a lotof these micro emotions
throughout the day, whether it'swith kids or a family member or
a boss or a colleague, and allof these little moments when you
had to regulate yourself andnot snap.
And then with those that welove, that's when we let go and
(13:44):
then we snap with our kids, withour partner.
So I think that it's reallyimportant that we take the time
to, you know, collect moreinformation and once we collect
more information, we noticepatterns and when we notice
patterns then we can break thosepatterns.
But without knowing the patternwe can't break the pattern.
(14:06):
So we need more information.
It's the same thing when I talkto parents about stress when
they say I'm stressed.
Well, that's a pretty generalstatement.
What are you stressed about?
I'm stressed about work.
All right, now we're going tobring in the word because.
I'm stressed about work becauseand I'm sure I've said this on
the podcast before but I'mstressed about work because and
(14:28):
I'm sure I've said this on thepodcast before but I'm stressed
about work because there's acolleague of mine who is just
overwhelming and rude and youknow I can't deal with that
person anymore.
Now we've kind of targeted thestressor.
Now we can dig a little bitdeeper and find out is it what
they're saying to you?
Is it how you're interpretingwhat they're saying to you?
(14:49):
Is it the workload, is it theboundaries that you haven't set
right?
There's so much, and this iswhy I really believe that when I
say you might have noticed ahuge change in the way that I'm
talking about Curious Neurononline on the website
curiousneuroncom, on Instagram,on LinkedIn, on Facebook I'm
talking about proactive parentalwell-being.
(15:11):
And when I say that it's knowinghow to reflect through
difficulties that you're havingand then how to work through it,
it's almost like you'recoaching yourself.
And when we begin to do that,we begin to solve the problems
that we're having or at leastpinpoint something that needs to
change and start the steps tochange that right.
So that's what I mean when Isay don't just look externally
(15:34):
and say I need to become a newversion of myself.
Look inward.
What do I want to work on?
Why?
What is the evidence of this?
Like?
Why do I think I need to workon this?
Collect your evidence, collectyour data.
I know, listen, I just realizedthat I'm turning you into a
scientist, but there's a benefitto that, because we have more
(15:55):
information and it's not justthese general statements that
are heavy on us.
Right?
Like?
I need to work out, I need tohave a better mental well-being
or mental health, I need to be abetter parent, I need to be a
better wife.
All of a sudden, those are fourvery heavy tasks or
undertakings that I can't do allat the same time.
(16:18):
And now I always have thisstuck on my mind, and now I'm
overwhelmed and now I'm evenmore stressed.
Right, that's what I want toavoid with you.
You have enough on your plate,my dear friend, and I don't want
want to avoid with you.
You have enough on your plate,my dear friend, and I don't want
you to feel that you need tochange every single aspect of
yourself.
And if you do feel that way ifyou're listening to this and
you're saying you know what I do, I want to change every single
(16:39):
thing about me then let's switchthe conversation to what don't
you have to change.
Grab a sheet of paper, grab apen and write down things that
you don't have to change.
Are you resilient?
Are you good at settingboundaries?
Are you direct with your words?
But you need to be a little bitmore careful with the way that
(17:00):
you say it.
But being direct is a goodthing.
I have my best friend who'sdirect, and I love it about her.
She's direct and kind andcompassionate at the same time.
So it allows you to know thatthat's coming from a place of
love and that's really important.
But as you are thinking aboutwhat you want to work on,
remember what you don't have towork on.
(17:22):
It's almost like when we tellour kids everything that they're
doing wrong and we forget totell them the things that
they're doing right.
Do the same thing for yourself.
What do you like about yourself?
What don't you want to change?
Write it down, see it visually,see it written in front of you
and then start the little stepstowards making small habit
(17:43):
changes or small improvements incertain skills that you have.
When we look at it that way, itseems manageable.
And that, my dear friend, isall for today.
I hope you have a beautiful andwonderful week.
Don't forget.
If you feel that you needsomebody to speak with, send me
an email.
Info at curiousnorncom.
I'm also going to put the linkto the waitlist and I'm going to
(18:07):
put the link to my calendar inthe show notes, because I am
trying to speak to 100 parentsby the end of this summer.
That's a lot.
It's a lot of parents, but Iwant to talk with you.
I want to see what's happeningin your life so that I can keep
shifting curious neuron towardswhat your needs are and not just
(18:28):
what I think your needs are.
I want to know it.
I'm collecting data.
Help me click the link in theCalendly.
Link is in the show notes.
The waitlist link is in theshow notes.
Reflective parent journal is inthe show notes and besides that
, that's all.
Have a beautiful week, everyone.
I will see you next week.
Don't forget, the episode isabout lying and telling the
(18:50):
truth and you don't want to missit, subscribe to the podcast.
See you next time.
Bye.
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