September 19, 2025 • 17 mins
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Do you feel something is “off” in your marriage but can’t quite explain it? The truth is, the biggest warning signs of a troubled marriage aren’t always obvious. In this video, Dr. Joe Beam reveals 3 hidden signs your marriage is in trouble—and why couples often miss them until it’s too late.
After working with thousands of couples over 30+ years, Dr. Beam explains:
✅ Why “we never saw this coming” is more common than you think
✅ The dangers of emotional drift and what it looks like in everyday life
✅ How secretiveness creates distance (even without an affair)
✅ Why criticism and keeping score can destroy your bond
✅ The specific steps you can take TODAY to turn things around
Whether your spouse has pulled away, mentioned divorce, or you simply feel disconnected, this video will give you hope. At Marriage Helper, we’ve seen marriages restored even after affairs, separation, and divorce papers were filed. No marriage is too far gone if the right changes are made.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Do you feel that something isn't quite right in
your marriage, but you can't putyour finger on what it is?
If so, you'll definitely wantto spend the next few minutes
with me.
I've been working withmarriages for more than 30 years
and I can tell you that themarriages in the most menacing
trouble aren't the ones wherethey're screaming and throwing
things at each other.
No, the ones that are ingreater trouble are those that
(00:24):
end with we never saw thiscoming.
We seemed fine.
We weren't fighting, at leastnot much.
We went to the same church,even took family vacations
together.
Then, one day, out of the blueit seemed, my spouse said I want
a divorce.
Spend a few minutes with me andI'll share with you three major
(00:45):
hidden signs that your marriagemay be in trouble, signs that
most people miss until thedamage is already done.
Now, first, I'll share brieflywhy I can help you with this.
Then we're going to walkthrough three warning signs that
people consistently miss, signsthat could save your marriage
if you recognize them now.
Finally, I'll give you specificsteps you can take today,
(01:09):
whether your spouse is willingto work on your marriage or not.
You'll get all that if you'llspend these few minutes with me
right now.
Oh, by the way, if you'rethinking my marriage is already
too far gone, stay with me tothe very end, because at
Marriage Helper, we believe thatevery marriage can be saved if
(01:30):
certain things happen, and Imean every marriage.
We've witnessed that thousandsof times over the last three
decades.
You may well discover that yourmarriage isn't too far gone and
that it can be rescued evenafter all this happens.
Now, before we dive into thesehidden signs, let me tell you
(01:51):
why I'm qualified to help youwith this.
I'm Dr Joe Beam, the founder ofMarriage Helper.
I have a PhD from Australia'sUniversity of Sydney, where I
research the causes of, andcorrelation between, marital
satisfaction and sexualsatisfaction.
I've written multiple books,been interviewed on the Today
Show, good Morning America andfocus on my family, as well as
(02:13):
being quoted in nationalmagazines.
More importantly, over the pastthree decades, thousands of
people have read my books,enrolled in courses, been to
seminars or participated inworkshops that I developed.
Now, sorry if that sounds likebragging.
I simply want you to know thatI'm not some guy who has no clue
what he's talking about.
I do know and I can help you,but here's what makes me most
(02:38):
qualified to talk to you today.
The information I share wasn'tlearned only from books,
university classes, working withmarried couples or research.
In the 1980s, my wife Alice andI went through a devastating
divorce.
I had an affair, I became adrunk, I lost everything my
occupation, my reputation and myfamily and for three years I
(03:00):
was divorced from my Alice, andeach one of us fully believed
that our marriage was overforever.
But by the grace of God, wesalvaged the marriage.
Nobody believed had even theshadow of a chance.
Alice and I remarried in 1997,and we've been happily married
together ever since.
Our third daughter, kimberly,who now runs Marriage Helper as
(03:23):
our CEO, literally owes herexistence to the fact that we
were able to restore ourrelationship.
I tell you this not to impressyou and certainly not to gain
your pity, but so you'llunderstand.
When I tell you there's hopefor your marriage, I'm not
speaking from only my formaleducation and my experience with
(03:43):
helping couples.
I've walked through the valleyof marital death and I've seen
resurrection on the other side.
So now let's talk about thesehidden signs.
What I'm about to share withyou comes from decades of
working with couples right onthe edge of divorce.
Now the first hidden sign hasto do with what I call emotional
(04:09):
drift.
Through our work we've learnedthere's a process people go
through in a failingrelationship.
Life together fades frompositive emotions to neutral
emotions and then, if nothingchanges, into negative territory
Very negative.
Here's what this looks like.
You used to feel excited whenyour spouse came home from work.
(04:31):
At some point you devolved tofeeling nothing.
It's not that either of you areangry or resentful, just
indifferent.
Whenever you or your spousetalks, the other person listens
with the same emotionalengagement you'd give to a
weather report.
A phrase that instantly catchesour attention is when a person
(04:52):
describes their marriage as okayor says they're somewhat
satisfied.
Think about it Somewhatsatisfied is not success.
It's a warning sign.
Research indicates that coupleswho describe themselves as
somewhat satisfied are at adegree of risk.
Why?
Because somewhat satisfied maywell mean that you've drifted
(05:14):
into emotional neutral.
Either one or both of you nolonger do or say things that
evoke positive emotions in theother, and from neutral it can
be a short slide into evokingnegative emotions.
That's when thoughts of leavingstart to feel reasonable.
It's emotional connection that'smost important to a
(05:34):
relationship.
When each of you does thingsthat evoke positive emotions in
the other person.
Those positive emotions pullyou together.
Over time, however, lifetogether can devolve into a
neutral state where you evokelittle to no emotion from each
other.
We call that a neutral state.
Your relationship may seem okaybecause strong negatives are
(05:57):
not occurring, but yourconnection has already moved
from where it needs to be for alifelong love.
Maybe I can say it this wayCeasing things that evoke
negative emotions in each otheris crucial, because those
negative emotions will drive youapart.
However, while not doing thenegative things, is crucial to
stop pushing you away from eachother.
Stopping them does not pull youcloser together.
(06:20):
You've simply stopped pushingeach other apart.
You're in neutral and whilethat's far better than negative,
it does not lead to growingtogether, especially in your
love.
And, as I mentioned already,from there it doesn't take much
to devolve into a state where,if you evoke any emotions from
each other, they're negativeemotions.
(06:41):
You find yourself bickeringover little things.
You disagree more.
You find less to do togetherthat you both enjoy.
You become more sensitive toeach other's habits or routines.
Things that seemed okay ormaybe even cute in the past now
irritate you.
If you're thinking well, that'sjust normal after years of
marriage.
(07:01):
Let me be clear it is common,but it's not healthy.
It may seem rather petty now,but eventually, if things keep
building up, one or both of youwill find it very difficult to
live like that.
Or even worse, someone may comealong that evokes positive
emotions that are a joy to feeland, even if you thought it
(07:23):
could never happen, a romanceoutside the marriage begins.
Now, if you're a neutral ornegative, can you move back to
evoking positive emotions witheach other?
Absolutely?
However, that won't happenwithout learning how to turn the
tide if you're already driftingapart Emotionally.
(07:44):
Drifting into neutral is awarning sign, don't doubt that.
And here's another warning sign.
The second hidden sign issecretiveness, and this one is
so sad because it's sopreventable.
I'm not just talking abouthiding major things like affairs
(08:05):
, though that certainly happens.
I'm talking about the smallsecrets that create distance.
You or your spouse startguarding your phone more
carefully, you develop newfriendships that the other
doesn't know much about, or oneor both of you change passwords
you used to share.
A user of you becomes vagueabout where they've been or who
(08:27):
they've been with.
Maybe one of you starts workingout suddenly, changing their
appearance or buying new clotheswithout mentioning why.
Now I want to be careful here.
People have a right to privacyand not every new friendship or
personal improvement is a threatto your marriage.
But when these changes happenalongside emotional distance,
(08:49):
such as I just discussed, andespecially when either of you
becomes defensive about innocentquestions, that's a warning
sign.
Here's what's happening.
When people start feelingdisconnected in their marriage,
they often become susceptible towhat else might be possible.
They're not necessarily lookingfor an affair or planning to
(09:09):
leave.
They're just starting to wonderif there might be someone out
there who would get themunderstand them better than you
do.
The tragedy is that most of thetime, what people begin to
experience in these outsideconnections understanding,
appreciation, excitement arethings their spouse would love
(09:36):
to provide.
If they only knew how.
So far we've discussed evolvinginto neutral emotions with each
other and the problem of beingsecretive rather than being open
and transparent.
Let's take time to examine onemore sign, the third sign.
The third and final hidden signI'll talk about in this video
(09:56):
is when the balance has shiftedfrom support to criticism in
your marriage.
In healthy marriage, yourspouses are each other's biggest
cheerleaders.
They celebrate successes, oftencomfort during failures and
generally assume the best abouteach other's motives, but when
marriages are in trouble,couples start keeping score.
(10:17):
They notice everything theirspouse does wrong and minimize
what they do right.
They interpret neutral actionsnegatively.
They bring up past mistakesduring current disagreements.
Here's what this sounds like.
You never help with the kids.
You're always on your phone.
You never remember to.
(10:39):
You see, what's happening isthat you're developing what in
our world of working withmarriages, we call negative
sentiment override.
You're so focused on eachother's flaws and failures that
you can't see your spouse'sefforts and good intentions, or,
if you do see them, you assignless than positive motivations
to them.
Now, when they bring you a gift, you're wondering what they
(11:03):
want out of it, or what they'retrying to cover up, or what they
feel guilty about.
This creates a cycle where oneor both of you becomes
increasingly negative aboutanything the other does, says or
doesn't do or say.
At the same time, the otherspouse feels unappreciated, so
they finally stop trying, whichgives the negative spouse more
(11:25):
ammunition for criticism.
Now, if either of you findsyourself thinking negatively and
assigning selfish motives tothe other, or if your
conversations feel likeaccusations and defensiveness
rather than sharing lifetogether, this is a critical
warning sign.
You're no longer being pulledtogether.
It feels like that everythingthat happens pushes you further
(11:48):
apart.
Now, why do you think couplesmiss these signs?
Oh, let me say of course thereare more signs, but in this
video I only had time for threeand hopefully you noticed that
the primary principle is thatwhen you stop evoking positive
emotions in each other anddevolve into neutral
interactions that lead to justliving together rather than
(12:10):
feeling good about yourrelationship, you're already on
the wrong path.
Being secretive so that partsof your life are hidden from the
other, and eventually gettinginto that state where you evoke
more negative emotions thananything else about the things
you do or say, such as beingcritical, will lead at least one
of you, if not both, to thatstate of negative sentiment
(12:33):
override, and when that happens,you're in trouble, likely much
deeper trouble than you realize.
So what do you do if yourecognize one or more of these
warning signs in your marriage?
Well, let me give you somepractical steps.
First, don't panic.
(12:54):
Recognizing these warning signsearly is actually a gift.
Most of the couples we workwith don't identify these
problems until their spouse isready to leave, talking to a
divorce attorney or eveninvolved with somebody else.
You still have time to turnthings around.
Oh, by the way, if yourmarriage is already in one of
(13:15):
these crisis situations, we havegreat success in helping those.
We can help you.
Second, focus on what you cancontrol Yourself.
Remember it takes two people tohave a marriage, but only one
person to start saving it.
You can't force your spouse tochange, but you can start making
changes that create anenvironment where love can grow
(13:38):
again.
Here's what I mean by that.
Start paying attention to whatI call pushes and pulls.
I've been demonstrating themthroughout this video.
Pushes evoke negative emotionsin the other person.
Pushes are behaviors that driveyour spouse away emotionally
Criticism, nagging, taking themfor granted, being defensive.
(13:58):
Pulls evoke positive emotionsin the other person.
Pulls are behaviors that drawthem closer.
Evoke positive emotions in theother person.
Pull their behaviors that drawthem closer Kindness,
understanding, acceptance of whothey are rather than who you
want them to be Appreciation,curiosity, affection, support.
Start increasing your pulls anddecreasing your pushes.
(14:19):
And third, if your spouse seemsopen to it, have an honest
conversation.
Don't accuse them of anything,but share what you feel.
Say something like I've beenthinking about our marriage and
I realize that we aren't asclose as we once were.
I want us to work on thattogether.
But here's what's crucial Evenif your spouse isn't interested
(14:42):
in working on the marriage rightnow, you can still make these
changes yourself.
In fact, sometimes the best wayto help your spouse fall back
in love with you is to becomethe person you were when they
fell in love with you the firsttime, or even a better person.
Now, some of you watching thisare dealing with a spouse who
(15:02):
has emotionally checked out, ormaybe they've even said they
don't want to be with youanymore.
They want a divorce.
Now, if that's, you, don't losehope.
So if our greatest successstories come from marriages
where only one spouse waswilling to fight for the
relationship, when your spousesays, I love you but I'm not in
(15:22):
love with you, they're usuallytelling you the truth about how
they feel right now.
But emotions always change.
We can teach you how, but Idon't have time here.
If your spouse has told you theywant out, your instinct might
be to chase them to convincethem, to promise you'll change,
but that usually backfiresbecause it comes across as
(15:45):
desperate rather than attractiveand strong.
Instead, give them space.
While you work on becoming yourbest self.
Focus on rebuilding your ownemotional, physical,
intellectual and spiritualhealth.
Show them through your actionsintellectual and spiritual
health.
Show them through your actions,not your words, that you're
(16:09):
serious about change.
There's always hope for yourmarriage Always and it was three
decades of working this work.
I have never seen a marriagethat couldn't be saved if people
were willing to do the work.
And even when only one personis willing, we see marriage
miracles happen all the time.
We offer several ways to gethelp.
Our three-day workshops haveextremely high success rates.
(16:29):
We also have online programs,individual coaching and
resources that can help youwherever you are on this journey
.
Now, if you're ready to stopjust hoping your marriage will
get better and start takingspecific action to make it
better, I encourage you to visitmarriagehelpercom.
You can make our free marriageassessment to get a clearer
(16:53):
picture of where you stand andyou can explore which of our
programs might be right for yoursituation.
If you'd like a free call withone of our staff no, not a
counselor, but someone who canhelp you know if what we offer
can be of value to you then goto marriagehelpercom slash call.
But whether you work with us ornot, please don't ignore these
(17:17):
warning signs.
Your marriage is worth fightingfor, your spouse is worth
fighting for and you are worthfighting for.
Don't give up.
Get help.
Your marriage is worth it.
Do you feel that something isn't quite right in
your marriage, but you can't putyour finger on what it is?
If so, you'll definitely wantto spend the next few minutes
with me.
I've been working withmarriages for more than 30 years
and I can tell you that themarriages in the most menacing
trouble aren't the ones wherethey're screaming and throwing
things at each other.
No, the ones that are ingreater trouble are those that
(00:24):
end with we never saw thiscoming.
We seemed fine.
We weren't fighting, at leastnot much.
We went to the same church,even took family vacations
together.
Then, one day, out of the blueit seemed, my spouse said I want
a divorce.
Spend a few minutes with me andI'll share with you three major
(00:45):
hidden signs that your marriagemay be in trouble, signs that
most people miss until thedamage is already done.
Now, first, I'll share brieflywhy I can help you with this.
Then we're going to walkthrough three warning signs that
people consistently miss, signsthat could save your marriage
if you recognize them now.
Finally, I'll give you specificsteps you can take today,
(01:09):
whether your spouse is willingto work on your marriage or not.
You'll get all that if you'llspend these few minutes with me
right now.
Oh, by the way, if you'rethinking my marriage is already
too far gone, stay with me tothe very end, because at
Marriage Helper, we believe thatevery marriage can be saved if
(01:30):
certain things happen, and Imean every marriage.
We've witnessed that thousandsof times over the last three
decades.
You may well discover that yourmarriage isn't too far gone and
that it can be rescued evenafter all this happens.
Now, before we dive into thesehidden signs, let me tell you
(01:51):
why I'm qualified to help youwith this.
I'm Dr Joe Beam, the founder ofMarriage Helper.
I have a PhD from Australia'sUniversity of Sydney, where I
research the causes of, andcorrelation between, marital
satisfaction and sexualsatisfaction.
I've written multiple books,been interviewed on the Today
Show, good Morning America andfocus on my family, as well as
(02:13):
being quoted in nationalmagazines.
More importantly, over the pastthree decades, thousands of
people have read my books,enrolled in courses, been to
seminars or participated inworkshops that I developed.
Now, sorry if that sounds likebragging.
I simply want you to know thatI'm not some guy who has no clue
what he's talking about.
I do know and I can help you,but here's what makes me most
(02:38):
qualified to talk to you today.
The information I share wasn'tlearned only from books,
university classes, working withmarried couples or research.
In the 1980s, my wife Alice andI went through a devastating
divorce.
I had an affair, I became adrunk, I lost everything my
occupation, my reputation and myfamily and for three years I
(03:00):
was divorced from my Alice, andeach one of us fully believed
that our marriage was overforever.
But by the grace of God, wesalvaged the marriage.
Nobody believed had even theshadow of a chance.
Alice and I remarried in 1997,and we've been happily married
together ever since.
Our third daughter, kimberly,who now runs Marriage Helper as
(03:23):
our CEO, literally owes herexistence to the fact that we
were able to restore ourrelationship.
I tell you this not to impressyou and certainly not to gain
your pity, but so you'llunderstand.
When I tell you there's hopefor your marriage, I'm not
speaking from only my formaleducation and my experience with
(03:43):
helping couples.
I've walked through the valleyof marital death and I've seen
resurrection on the other side.
So now let's talk about thesehidden signs.
What I'm about to share withyou comes from decades of
working with couples right onthe edge of divorce.
Now the first hidden sign hasto do with what I call emotional
(04:09):
drift.
Through our work we've learnedthere's a process people go
through in a failingrelationship.
Life together fades frompositive emotions to neutral
emotions and then, if nothingchanges, into negative territory
Very negative.
Here's what this looks like.
You used to feel excited whenyour spouse came home from work.
(04:31):
At some point you devolved tofeeling nothing.
It's not that either of you areangry or resentful, just
indifferent.
Whenever you or your spousetalks, the other person listens
with the same emotionalengagement you'd give to a
weather report.
A phrase that instantly catchesour attention is when a person
(04:52):
describes their marriage as okayor says they're somewhat
satisfied.
Think about it Somewhatsatisfied is not success.
It's a warning sign.
Research indicates that coupleswho describe themselves as
somewhat satisfied are at adegree of risk.
Why?
Because somewhat satisfied maywell mean that you've drifted
(05:14):
into emotional neutral.
Either one or both of you nolonger do or say things that
evoke positive emotions in theother, and from neutral it can
be a short slide into evokingnegative emotions.
That's when thoughts of leavingstart to feel reasonable.
It's emotional connection that'smost important to a
(05:34):
relationship.
When each of you does thingsthat evoke positive emotions in
the other person.
Those positive emotions pullyou together.
Over time, however, lifetogether can devolve into a
neutral state where you evokelittle to no emotion from each
other.
We call that a neutral state.
Your relationship may seem okaybecause strong negatives are
(05:57):
not occurring, but yourconnection has already moved
from where it needs to be for alifelong love.
Maybe I can say it this wayCeasing things that evoke
negative emotions in each otheris crucial, because those
negative emotions will drive youapart.
However, while not doing thenegative things, is crucial to
stop pushing you away from eachother.
Stopping them does not pull youcloser together.
(06:20):
You've simply stopped pushingeach other apart.
You're in neutral and whilethat's far better than negative,
it does not lead to growingtogether, especially in your
love.
And, as I mentioned already,from there it doesn't take much
to devolve into a state where,if you evoke any emotions from
each other, they're negativeemotions.
(06:41):
You find yourself bickeringover little things.
You disagree more.
You find less to do togetherthat you both enjoy.
You become more sensitive toeach other's habits or routines.
Things that seemed okay ormaybe even cute in the past now
irritate you.
If you're thinking well, that'sjust normal after years of
marriage.
(07:01):
Let me be clear it is common,but it's not healthy.
It may seem rather petty now,but eventually, if things keep
building up, one or both of youwill find it very difficult to
live like that.
Or even worse, someone may comealong that evokes positive
emotions that are a joy to feeland, even if you thought it
(07:23):
could never happen, a romanceoutside the marriage begins.
Now, if you're a neutral ornegative, can you move back to
evoking positive emotions witheach other?
Absolutely?
However, that won't happenwithout learning how to turn the
tide if you're already driftingapart Emotionally.
(07:44):
Drifting into neutral is awarning sign, don't doubt that.
And here's another warning sign.
The second hidden sign issecretiveness, and this one is
so sad because it's sopreventable.
I'm not just talking abouthiding major things like affairs
(08:05):
, though that certainly happens.
I'm talking about the smallsecrets that create distance.
You or your spouse startguarding your phone more
carefully, you develop newfriendships that the other
doesn't know much about, or oneor both of you change passwords
you used to share.
A user of you becomes vagueabout where they've been or who
(08:27):
they've been with.
Maybe one of you starts workingout suddenly, changing their
appearance or buying new clotheswithout mentioning why.
Now I want to be careful here.
People have a right to privacyand not every new friendship or
personal improvement is a threatto your marriage.
But when these changes happenalongside emotional distance,
(08:49):
such as I just discussed, andespecially when either of you
becomes defensive about innocentquestions, that's a warning
sign.
Here's what's happening.
When people start feelingdisconnected in their marriage,
they often become susceptible towhat else might be possible.
They're not necessarily lookingfor an affair or planning to
(09:09):
leave.
They're just starting to wonderif there might be someone out
there who would get themunderstand them better than you
do.
The tragedy is that most of thetime, what people begin to
experience in these outsideconnections understanding,
appreciation, excitement arethings their spouse would love
(09:36):
to provide.
If they only knew how.
So far we've discussed evolvinginto neutral emotions with each
other and the problem of beingsecretive rather than being open
and transparent.
Let's take time to examine onemore sign, the third sign.
The third and final hidden signI'll talk about in this video
(09:56):
is when the balance has shiftedfrom support to criticism in
your marriage.
In healthy marriage, yourspouses are each other's biggest
cheerleaders.
They celebrate successes, oftencomfort during failures and
generally assume the best abouteach other's motives, but when
marriages are in trouble,couples start keeping score.
(10:17):
They notice everything theirspouse does wrong and minimize
what they do right.
They interpret neutral actionsnegatively.
They bring up past mistakesduring current disagreements.
Here's what this sounds like.
You never help with the kids.
You're always on your phone.
You never remember to.
(10:39):
You see, what's happening isthat you're developing what in
our world of working withmarriages, we call negative
sentiment override.
You're so focused on eachother's flaws and failures that
you can't see your spouse'sefforts and good intentions, or,
if you do see them, you assignless than positive motivations
to them.
Now, when they bring you a gift, you're wondering what they
(11:03):
want out of it, or what they'retrying to cover up, or what they
feel guilty about.
This creates a cycle where oneor both of you becomes
increasingly negative aboutanything the other does, says or
doesn't do or say.
At the same time, the otherspouse feels unappreciated, so
they finally stop trying, whichgives the negative spouse more
(11:25):
ammunition for criticism.
Now, if either of you findsyourself thinking negatively and
assigning selfish motives tothe other, or if your
conversations feel likeaccusations and defensiveness
rather than sharing lifetogether, this is a critical
warning sign.
You're no longer being pulledtogether.
It feels like that everythingthat happens pushes you further
(11:48):
apart.
Now, why do you think couplesmiss these signs?
Oh, let me say of course thereare more signs, but in this
video I only had time for threeand hopefully you noticed that
the primary principle is thatwhen you stop evoking positive
emotions in each other anddevolve into neutral
interactions that lead to justliving together rather than
(12:10):
feeling good about yourrelationship, you're already on
the wrong path.
Being secretive so that partsof your life are hidden from the
other, and eventually gettinginto that state where you evoke
more negative emotions thananything else about the things
you do or say, such as beingcritical, will lead at least one
of you, if not both, to thatstate of negative sentiment
(12:33):
override, and when that happens,you're in trouble, likely much
deeper trouble than you realize.
So what do you do if yourecognize one or more of these
warning signs in your marriage?
Well, let me give you somepractical steps.
First, don't panic.
(12:54):
Recognizing these warning signsearly is actually a gift.
Most of the couples we workwith don't identify these
problems until their spouse isready to leave, talking to a
divorce attorney or eveninvolved with somebody else.
You still have time to turnthings around.
Oh, by the way, if yourmarriage is already in one of
(13:15):
these crisis situations, we havegreat success in helping those.
We can help you.
Second, focus on what you cancontrol Yourself.
Remember it takes two people tohave a marriage, but only one
person to start saving it.
You can't force your spouse tochange, but you can start making
changes that create anenvironment where love can grow
(13:38):
again.
Here's what I mean by that.
Start paying attention to whatI call pushes and pulls.
I've been demonstrating themthroughout this video.
Pushes evoke negative emotionsin the other person.
Pushes are behaviors that driveyour spouse away emotionally
Criticism, nagging, taking themfor granted, being defensive.
(13:58):
Pulls evoke positive emotionsin the other person.
Pulls are behaviors that drawthem closer.
Evoke positive emotions in theother person.
Pull their behaviors that drawthem closer Kindness,
understanding, acceptance of whothey are rather than who you
want them to be Appreciation,curiosity, affection, support.
Start increasing your pulls anddecreasing your pushes.
(14:19):
And third, if your spouse seemsopen to it, have an honest
conversation.
Don't accuse them of anything,but share what you feel.
Say something like I've beenthinking about our marriage and
I realize that we aren't asclose as we once were.
I want us to work on thattogether.
But here's what's crucial Evenif your spouse isn't interested
(14:42):
in working on the marriage rightnow, you can still make these
changes yourself.
In fact, sometimes the best wayto help your spouse fall back
in love with you is to becomethe person you were when they
fell in love with you the firsttime, or even a better person.
Now, some of you watching thisare dealing with a spouse who
(15:02):
has emotionally checked out, ormaybe they've even said they
don't want to be with youanymore.
They want a divorce.
Now, if that's, you, don't losehope.
So if our greatest successstories come from marriages
where only one spouse waswilling to fight for the
relationship, when your spousesays, I love you but I'm not in
(15:22):
love with you, they're usuallytelling you the truth about how
they feel right now.
But emotions always change.
We can teach you how, but Idon't have time here.
If your spouse has told you theywant out, your instinct might
be to chase them to convincethem, to promise you'll change,
but that usually backfiresbecause it comes across as
(15:45):
desperate rather than attractiveand strong.
Instead, give them space.
While you work on becoming yourbest self.
Focus on rebuilding your ownemotional, physical,
intellectual and spiritualhealth.
Show them through your actionsintellectual and spiritual
health.
Show them through your actions,not your words, that you're
(16:09):
serious about change.
There's always hope for yourmarriage Always and it was three
decades of working this work.
I have never seen a marriagethat couldn't be saved if people
were willing to do the work.
And even when only one personis willing, we see marriage
miracles happen all the time.
We offer several ways to gethelp.
Our three-day workshops haveextremely high success rates.
(16:29):
We also have online programs,individual coaching and
resources that can help youwherever you are on this journey
.
Now, if you're ready to stopjust hoping your marriage will
get better and start takingspecific action to make it
better, I encourage you to visitmarriagehelpercom.
You can make our free marriageassessment to get a clearer
(16:53):
picture of where you stand andyou can explore which of our
programs might be right for yoursituation.
If you'd like a free call withone of our staff no, not a
counselor, but someone who canhelp you know if what we offer
can be of value to you then goto marriagehelpercom slash call.
But whether you work with us ornot, please don't ignore these
(17:17):
warning signs.
Your marriage is worth fightingfor, your spouse is worth
fighting for and you are worthfighting for.
Don't give up.
Get help.
Your marriage is worth it.
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