3 Signs of Unhealthy Communication in Your Marriage

Enjoy the episode? Send us a text!

Are you noticing patterns in the way you and your spouse talk to each other that leave you feeling distant, frustrated, or unheard? In this video, we’ll unpack 3 signs of unhealthy communication in your marriage—and what you can do to stop them before they cause lasting damage.

Drawing from leading research and years of experience at Marriage Helper, we’ll walk through:
 ✅ Disrespectful communication—why criticism, belittling, or eye-rolling can erode trust.
✅ Avoidance and isolation—why “never fighting” isn’t healthy and how conflict can actually build intimacy.
✅ Jokes at your spouse’s expense—how sarcasm and mockery damage closeness and connection.

If you’ve wondered whether the way you communicate is creating distance instead of closeness, this video will give you the clarity you need. You’ll also learn practical steps to replace unhealthy patterns with healthier, more loving ways of talking with your spouse.

At Marriage Helper, we believe communication can either tear a marriage apart—or transform it into something stronger than ever before. Don’t miss this video if you want to build deeper intimacy, respect, and connection in your relationship.

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

📞 BOOK A CALL WITH OUR TEAM: https://bit.ly/4fhb9Yz

🔗 Website: https://marriagehelper.com
📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marriagehelper
👀 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@marriagehelper

Follow our other channels!
📺 https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes
📺 https://youtube.com/@drjoebeam

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Let's talk about what some signs of unhealthy
communication are that might beshowing up in your marriage.
In fact, I'm going to betalking about three different
things, and these are incrediblyimportant.
Now, these three buckets thatI'm going to be talking about
are actually lots of differentareas of research combined into

(00:20):
these three areas Research fromthe University of Washington,
research out of a lot ofdifferent things, things that we
have seen in our own practiceat Marriage Helper.
So listen up.
How do you know if you haveunhealthy communication patterns
in your marriage?
And, more than that, what canyou do to stop?
How can you communicate better?
The first sign of unhealthycommunication in your marriage

(00:43):
is disrespectful communication.
This can be critical commentslike why are you such an idiot?
How in the world could you dosomething that stupid?
Or maybe it's even somethinglike how could you vote for that
person?
What were you thinking?
Those things come across ascritical.
It's a character assassination.
It's letting that person ormaking that person feel like

(01:06):
there's something wrong withthem, and it's disrespectful,
it's harmful to yourcommunication.
Or belittling another person,even making them feel like the
things that they think, thedesires that they have, make
them less than that is anotherabsolutely unhealthy
communication style.
When you even say to someoneman, you'd worry about anything,

(01:31):
you would worry if the lightbulb had to be changed.
It belittles that person andmakes them feel like again
there's something wrong withthem.
It can be disrespectfulcommunication.
It could be putting your spousedown in front of other people,
rolling your eyes when yourspouse is talking, especially in
front of other people, or evenblatantly disagreeing about

(01:52):
something that they're sayingwhile they're talking.
Here's what I mean by that.
I'm not talking about like, oh,I don't agree with that.
That's not the way I feel I'mtalking about.
If your spouse is speaking andthey say tomato and you say I'm
talking about.
If your spouse is speaking andthey say tomato and you say it's
actually tomato, especially infront of other people, that is
disrespectful communication.
The second thing we're going tolook for for unhealthy

(02:14):
communication is avoidance andisolation.
This happens most of the timebecause your spouse either
number one runs away fromconflict or number two.
They have spent so much timefeeling like you don't like them
or love them or accept them forwho they truly are that they

(02:35):
just want to be away from you.
If you're starting to noticethat your spouse runs away at
the first sign of conflictcoming up, doesn't want to talk
about it with you.
That is unhealthy.
A lot of people that I've spokento in the past they've said me
and my wife have such a greatmarriage.
Me and my husband, we have afantastic marriage.

(02:56):
We never fight, and every timeI hear that I think something
major is wrong.
It is unhealthy to not disagree.
It's healthy to fight and havedisagreements in your marriage.
In fact, 69% of the things thatwe fight about are never going
to be resolved and they're goingto keep coming up.
But if you avoid thoseconversations, then you are

(03:19):
actually thwarting the abilityfor intimacy to be created.
It is in the conflict thatintimacy emerges.
What do I mean by that?
When I am able to share with myhusband how I disagree with him
about something else and he isable to accept that about me and
love me anyway, I love him more.

(03:40):
Intimacy is stronger.
I trust him more.
So by avoiding fights in ourmarriage, we're actually
destroying our marriage Now.
The other side of avoidance andisolation is maybe your spouse
is avoiding you now becausethere's been this history of
disrespectful communication ormaking jokes at another person's

(04:02):
expense, which is where we'reheaded next and therefore they
just don't want to be around you.
What do you do then?
We're going to get to that injust a minute and, like I said,
the third area of unhealthycommunication that we see is
making jokes at another person'sexpense, and this happens way
more often than I would like toadmit, not necessarily in my

(04:26):
marriage.
I think my husband and I we didthis a lot at first.
In fact, my husband remembers.
I can't even remember the jokesthat he's told at my expense,
but a couple of months ago wewere talking and he said I was
so mean to you in our firstcouple of years of marriage I
really looked down on you withcontempt and he shared with me
some of the things he would sayabout me and I was like Rob,
I've already forgotten.

(04:47):
I don't remember you sayingthose things at all, but we have
heard countless other couplesdo it, saying things just slight
of hand, things like maybe ahusband is sharing or talking
about how much he enjoyedgolfing and again, these are
jokes at each other's expense.
A lot of times they'rehappening in front of other
people, but they can happen whenit's just the two of you.
So maybe there's a husbandwho's talking about how much he

(05:09):
enjoyed golfing last week andwhile he's doing that, the wife
is standing there just rollingher eyes and saying at least you
care about something.
You know there's 18 holes thatyou get to play on the golf
course but there's more thanthat on the honeydew list at
home and people kind of laugh.
But overall it leads the otherperson to feel dejected.

(05:33):
Or maybe it's a wife sharingabout how man like I'm really
struggling because I feel likewe're behind on our money saving
goals and I wish that we hadmore money saved up and I'm
stressing about it.
And then her husband says toher well, maybe we'd have a
whole lot more money if you'dstop spending it all.
I told that joke the other dayat a church.

(05:54):
It's not actually a joke.
I told that example and youknow I was telling it with a
bunch of small group leaders atchurch and everyone laughed as I
gave it as the example, becausethat's what people tend to do.
If we were to hear someone saythat in a group, setting about
their spouse in front of theirspouse, people tend to laugh.
It's a little funny, but it'salso really uncomfortable and

(06:15):
people laugh and it's a jokemade at another person's expense
, at the most important personin your life's expense, at your
spouse's expense.
And what tends to happen afterthat joke is made is people
begin to pull away.
It can even be mocking comments, like when you're recounting
something your spouse said backto them.

(06:36):
You do the little meh, meh, meh, meh, meh type voice, which is
super annoying.
I really hate it.
Or you just use this mockingbehavior and the way that you
speak about your spouse, whenyou're around your spouse or not
, changes the way you treat yourspouse.
If you're out with yourgirlfriends and y'all are all
bashing your husbands, that'sdisrespectful communication.

(06:58):
That is making jokes at yourhusband's expense.
Maybe if you're out with theguys drinking some beers,
playing pool and you're all justtalking about the old ball and
chain, you're making jokes atyour wife's expense and it's an
unhealthy form of communication.
And here's the thing it erodesintimacy, it erodes

(07:20):
communication, it erodes passion.
It can, over time, even erodecommitment.
It erodes the thing that buildslove.
Therefore, it is of utmostimportance that you stop.
So which one of these hit you inthe gut?
As I was talking about them,you thought, man, I do have some

(07:42):
critical moments where I canmake my spouse feel like they
didn't do something right orlike I don't accept them unless
they do it my way.
I can be critical.
Maybe I do have thoseeye-rolling moments where I just
feel like my spouse is such anidiot.
Maybe it's that you avoidbecause you don't want to have a
fight, or maybe because you'vehad so many fights and they end
so bad that you've just given up.
Or maybe it's that you avoidbecause you don't want to have a
fight, or maybe because you'vehad so many fights and they end

(08:04):
so bad that you've just given up.
Or maybe it's that you realize,man, I do make jokes at my
spouse's expense more than Ishould.
Which is one?
One joke at your spouse'sexpense is more than you should.
Which of those hit you in thegut?
Whichever one that is, that'sthe one you need to stop.

(08:24):
So what can you do?
The first thing that you can dois stop name it.
Name to yourself this is thething I'm struggling with, and
then call it out.
Call out to yourself I need tochange in this area.
So then stop.
So you're going to name it,you're going to stop doing that

(08:45):
thing that leads to unhealthycommunication and you're going
to start doing something new.
So the next time that you getfrustrated because your spouse
didn't load the dishwasher theway that you want it loaded,
you're going to stop, you'regoing to take a breath.
You're going to think I'm notgoing to be critical of them
right now.
Instead, I'm going to say hey,I appreciate how you tried.

(09:08):
Next time, would you mind doingit this way?
And that is a much better wayto handle it.
Instead of avoiding a futurefight again, we're naming the
thing that you want to change.
You're going to stop avoidingand what are you going to start
instead?
You're going to take that braveand bold step and you're going
to go to your spouse andactually have the conversation

(09:30):
about the thing you're scared tohave a conversation about.
And maybe the next time thatyou're out playing pool, a
conversation about, and maybethe next time that you're out
playing pool with the guys orout with the girls and everyone
else starts berating theirspouse, you decide you're not
going to engage and insteadyou're going to say something
kind about your own spouse andsay you know what?
Actually, my husband didsomething really great this week

(09:51):
.
He bought me flowers, he helpedwith the laundry, he really
stepped up in a way that made mereally appreciative of what he
does for me.
The way you talk about yourspouse, even when your spouse
isn't there, affects the way youthink about and treat your
spouse when your spouse is there.

(10:13):
That's why this matters.
So stop with the disrespectfulcommunication, with avoidance
and isolation, and with makingjokes at your spouse's expense,
and start accepting your spousefor who they are, encouraging
and thanking your spouse for thethings that they've done, and
showing your spouse that youappreciate them when they're

(10:34):
there and when they're not, andMarriage Helper.
We're always looking to put outmore content like this that
helps you have a better marriagethan you've ever had before.
So be sure that you subscribeand search our channel.
Look for the things that you'recurrently struggling with right
now in your marriage.
I guarantee you we have a videofor it and, if we don't leave a

(10:54):
comment below, I'd love to knowwhat you thought about this
video and what you'd like to seein future videos.