November 20, 2024 • 26 mins
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What if the key to a thriving marriage lies in understanding sexual dynamics? Join me, Dr. Joe Beam, as we unravel the mysteries of sexual compatibility in marriage. Together, we'll navigate the often turbulent waters of varying libidos, preferences, and the external pressures that can cause friction between spouses. Through real-life stories and my own insights, you'll discover how these issues left unaddressed can evolve into serious marital challenges, highlighting the necessity of open communication and resolution for a fulfilling partnership.
Explore the powerful influence of sexual education on your perceptions and expectations. From formal classroom settings to the often unreliable information shared among peers, our sexual education shapes us in profound ways. I'll shed light on the media's role, especially internet pornography, in distorting sexual schemas and relationship expectations. By acknowledging the impact of misinformation and unrealistic portrayals, we emphasize the critical need for accurate education as a cornerstone of personal growth and relationship satisfaction.
Uncover the roots of sexual schemas and their role in shaping relationships. We'll journey through stories of individuals grappling with the aftermath of past traumas and how these experiences echo into their intimate lives. You'll learn about the concept of sexual habituation and how it can lead to diminishing excitement over time. Although this episode focuses on identifying the origins of these issues, it sets the stage for future discussions on resolving sexual incompatibilities. Don't miss our next session, where Kimberly Beam Holmes will provide valuable insights on navigating financial disagreements.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Three things in your life determine your sexuality,
how you think about sex, whatyou want to do when it comes to
sex, what you refuse to do whenit comes to sex.
Would you like to know whatthose three things are?
Because not only do those threethings affect you, there are
three things in your spouse'slife that affects the way that
he or she has sexuality, the waythey think about sex, what they
(00:23):
want to do and what they don'twant to do.
If you want to know, hang on.
I'm about to tell you.
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam, withMarriage Helper.
This is a relationship radioprogram and I want to talk about
sex, particularly when it comesto the fact that a couple may
have disagreements about sex.
Actually, people who go to see asexologist or a sex therapist
(00:50):
typically sexologists don't getthe business sex therapists do.
If people go to see a sextherapist, the number one
presenting problem isdisagreement about frequency.
Either he wants to have moresex or she wants to have more
sex, and yes, I said that onpurpose.
There are many marriages wherethe wife actually has a greater
libido, a stronger sex drive,than her husband does, and so
it's not always the man whowants more sex.
(01:11):
Although that's more common, itcan be the wife who wants more
sex, and that's why theytypically wind up going to see a
sex therapist.
Help us figure out how to solvethis incompatibility.
Another reason, of course, thatpeople would go to see a sex
therapist would be well, we arein general agreement about how
(01:32):
often to have sex, but we havesome pretty strong disagreements
about what we do sexually.
He wants to try that.
She says oh no, no, no, no, no.
Or she wants to try that and hesays oh no, no, no.
Now, as I said at the beginningof this program, that comes
from three different things inyour life.
But first let me talk to youabout how this can actually
determine whether a marriagestays together or not.
(01:53):
I remember talking to a coupleof years ago.
He was leaving her, divorcingher, and when I was asking him,
give me the reasons, he said the16 years we've been married, I
have begged with tears in myeyes please make love to me, or
at the very least, allow me tomake love to you.
And she would say, no, I'm notinterested.
(02:14):
And so, finally, I'm leavingbecause of the fact that I want
to be sexually fulfilled and Ican't possibly have that in this
marriage where my wife issexually frigid.
Now, believe it or not, frigidis a word that's still used in
sexology and in sexualitystudies.
It means one who has no desire,or it could be one that has
some degree of desire but isinorgasmic, meaning that he or
(02:37):
she can't reach orgasm, and sothat marriage was falling apart
because of the lack of sex.
Now some of you people who arereligious let's say particularly
Christian people, for examplewould say well, no, you can't
divorce your husband or yourwife for that.
You can only divorce them foradultery.
I dealt with another couple onceon the East Coast several years
(02:57):
ago.
They were both 26 years old.
They had married when they were21.
So they'd been married fiveyears, obviously, and sometime
within the first year he didsomething.
I never did declare exactly onwhat it was, but he did
something that really irritatedher, and so her decision was we
will never have sex with eachother again.
(03:18):
Now, by the time he was 26years old, his libido, of course
, did not go away just becausehis wife said no sex.
His libido was still there, andso eventually he wound up
having a one-night stand.
He felt so guilty about it.
He confessed it to his wife andshe said that's it, that's done
, I'm divorcing.
(03:38):
You, get out Now.
I was talking to this couple andI asked her I'm not justifying
his adultery, I'm not justifyingthe fact that he slept with
somebody else, but can you atleast realize that to a degree
you share the responsibility ofthat temptation?
Because they were church peopleand I was talking to them in a
church building.
I actually quoted scripture tothem from the New Testament, 1
(04:01):
Corinthians 7, where it saysit's the obligation, it's the
responsibility of the husband tofulfill his wife sexually and
of the wife to fulfill herhusband sexually.
And it goes on to say do notdeprive each other except by
prayer, and for a time, so thatyou may devote yourselves again
to prayer and I misquoted that alittle bit so that you can
(04:22):
devote yourselves again toprayer, so that Satan will not
tempt you because of your lackof fulfillment.
So I said I'm not justifyinghis adultery, but you had some
contribution to that because youwouldn't make love to him On
another occasion.
I know a couple.
As a matter of fact, he washandicapped in the sense that he
was blind.
He was a pretty intelligent guy, but the blindness caused him
(04:45):
some difficulties and problemsand finally this woman falls in
love with him and she marrieshim.
She too had a handicap, and soit was kind of neat that these
two people had found each other,because there was some
speculation that because oftheir handicaps they might not
find mates.
But they found each other.
They loved each other deeply.
They've been married only for afew months.
(05:05):
When she told me I'm divorcinghim and I said why, what
happened?
She said he asked me if I woulddo oral sex on him, and that
means he's a pervert and I'm notgoing to be married to a
pervert.
Therefore I'm divorcing him Now, hopefully.
These are just some of thestories of course I could tell
(05:26):
you, but these stories areindicating to you that sometimes
couples have sexual problems.
Another one I've run across manytimes, particularly with people
who are religious, is that mychurch or my pastor or my
preacher, my priest, my rabbi,somebody taught me that a
particular sex act was a sinagainst God and therefore I
(05:47):
don't want to do that.
And now my spouse isencouraging me to do that with
him or with her, and I'mrefusing because of the fact
that I consider it to be a sinand it's going to send me
straight to hell.
Then the frustration sets in onboth of them, both the one who
wants that and the one who'srefusing that, and another
(06:11):
situation similar to that wouldbe starting off the same way.
I can't do that because I'vebeen taught it's wrong.
But they do yield, they doparticipate and they do enjoy
that participation.
Now they've done something thatthey believe in their mind is
wrong, sinful, but they liked it, and so now they continue to do
it, but they feel guilty, andfinally the guilt may wear off.
(06:35):
But if the guilt wears off, sodoes their sense of doing what's
right and doing what's wrong.
Like, well, I guess you shouldjust make yourself happy.
All right, have you seenyourself in any of those stories
or something similar?
Well, let me tell you how yougot to where you are, whether
you're one who is sexuallyadventurous or one who is
(06:57):
sexually reserved.
I talked to a couple of yearsago and he he said she's just so
sexually inhibited.
And she was standing there andshe said I don't have any sexual
inhibitions at all.
And I said okay, you know, I'ma sexologist, I'm not a sex
therapist, but I'm a sexologist,I study sex, I teach sex.
And so may I ask you a questionFeel free not to answer, but to
(07:26):
tie it up as to whether or notyou might be inhibited when it
comes to sex.
At what age did you firstmasturbate?
She was grossly offended.
I have never touched myself andI never will.
Hmm, well, basically that doesmean that she's sexually
inhibited, but where did it comefrom?
Why?
Okay, these are the threethings.
(07:47):
The first thing has to do witheducation, now, not just formal
education.
Some of you may have hadeducation in middle school or
high school or even in collegeabout human sexuality, and you
learned about the anatomy, likethat's what's inside the male,
that's what's outside the male,that's what's inside the female,
that's what's outside thefemale.
You may have learned about theprimary sex situation that
(08:11):
people go through, and then thesecondary and then the tertiary,
about the development thatpeople go through sexually as
they develop.
You may have learned a wholelot of things about those things
.
You may even have learned thatit's extremely difficult to
define an orgasm to someonewho's never had one, and so
sometimes you might ask a clienthave you ever been orgasmic,
(08:32):
have you ever had an orgasm?
And sometimes they say no, andsometimes they say a lot and
sometimes they say I don't know,what do you mean?
You don't know.
I don't even think I understandwhat an orgasm is.
Therefore I don't know if I'veever had one.
Now, with the proper education,now let's start with formal
(08:52):
education, then go to informaleducation.
Formal education would be aclass taught by a teacher who's
been instructed about anatomyand about sexuality, and that
teacher then shares that withhis or her students and people
learn, and so that's part of sexeducation.
But the greater part of sexeducation actually comes
informally.
I had one of my students when Itaught human sexuality at
(09:16):
Lipscomb University a few yearsago.
I taught once per semester.
I had one of my students when Itaught human sexuality at
Lipscomb University a few yearsago.
I taught once per semester.
I mean not just one class persemester, but that's the only
class.
I taught that semester of humansexuality, 16 sessions of it,
and the next semester 16 moresessions, with a new group of
course.
And I had one of my studentstell me on one occasion about
something about the femaleanatomy.
First of all, he corrected mypronunciation of a certain part
(09:39):
of the female anatomy, to whichI replied no, that's not right,
I'm pronouncing it correctly.
And then another time I taughtsomething and he said I know
that's wrong.
And I said really how he said,because my roommate told me.
And then he said I didn't,roommate.
You see, education is not justwhat you learn in a classroom.
Education is what you learnfrom life, and so part of your
(10:02):
sexual education has been whatyour buddies and friends have
told you, whether they're maleor female, and it probably
started relatively young itcould have been as young as I'll
show you mine if you show meyours.
It could have been a little bitlater than life.
When a bunch of girls aresitting around talking about sex
or a bunch of boys are sittingaround talking about sex and
(10:24):
they start sharing the thingsthat they have heard or the
things that they think, andthose conversations are usually
full of misinformation Well, Iheard this, I think that, et
cetera and they go on and theother people buy into it and
believe it.
Wow, that must be true, why?
Well, my friend told me how oldis your friend?
Twelve.
(10:46):
We probably wouldn't call him orher a sex expert, but you're
still learning from whatever thepeople around you think about
sex.
You're learning from televisionabout sex.
You're learning what people doin sitcoms when they become very
enamored of each other.
You learn from movies about sexand you start to get a paradigm
(11:08):
that fits into that, like, wow,that's one of my schemas.
As a matter of fact, that'swhat we call these things,
sexual schemas.
A schema is something that youfilter information through to
make a decision.
So, for example, if you live ina country where people drive on
the right-hand side of the roadand then you rent a car in
another country where they driveon the left-hand side of the
(11:29):
road, it's more difficult to do.
Why?
Because your driving schema isa right-hand driving schema, and
so you interpret seeing othertraffic, you interpret your
speed, you interpret trafficlights, you interpret traffic
signs all based on that schemaof how you learn how to drive,
and so driving on the left-handside can sometimes lead to some
pretty bad situations because ofthat.
(11:49):
Well, the same kind of thingapplies to sex.
When it comes to your education, formal and informal, you start
getting an idea of what sex issupposed to be like and what you
think sex really is like.
Way before you ever have ortypically, way before you ever
have, your very first sexualencounter, you say really Mm-hmm
(12:13):
Actually, and that educationcan mess you up royally, because
some education like that isjust so wrong.
And then if you have beenwatching pornography, either
renting or buying the CDs, orthese days you don't have to
leave your house.
(12:33):
You can get to the rightchannel or make the right
subscription or go to the rightsite on your computer and you
can see hardcore triple Xpornography, some of which is
actually called gonzopornography.
You say I don't know what thatis.
If not, I'm glad you don't.
Gonzo pornography isn't evenabout relationship at all,
(12:56):
because they found that moviesthat are pornographic, that
actually build relationshipslike the man falls in love with
a woman and she falls in lovewith him and then that leads to
actual sex on the screen thatwomen tend to find that
extremely romantic and sothey'll watch that kind of
pornography because they see itall together in the concept of a
(13:16):
relationship.
Gonzo porn has no relationshipsin it whatsoever.
It's just sex, nonstop sex, allkinds of sex, many people
involved in the sex, sometimesanimals involved in the sex, and
it's basically animalistic inbehavior, it's animalistic in
the things that they represent.
So if you have been watchingpornography one way or the other
(13:36):
, whatever point it might be, ithas become part of your schema
based on your education.
As a matter of fact, in theworld today, the number one
method of sex education isinternet pornography, and that's
not just in the USA, it's notjust in what we would call the
Western countries, it's in theMideast, it's in the Far East,
(14:00):
it's in the Sahara, it's in thesub-Sahara part of the world,
it's everywhere.
I actually saw this with my owneyes, as opposed to seeing it
with somebody else's eyes.
I guess I was way back in thebush in Africa many years ago
and the missionaries I was withthey took me to a village and in
(14:21):
this village there was a storethat sold pornographic tapes.
And I said they don't have anyelectricity here.
I don't see any televisions.
How would anybody be able towatch this?
Oh, somebody's got it.
As a matter of fact, the onlytelevision here might be in that
store and they've got agenerator or something that
generates electricity and peoplepay out here in the middle of
(14:43):
nowhere what we would call alack of civilization although it
really is its own kind ofcivilization and they're coming
in here and watching pornographyand that's what they're
learning from.
And so experience I'm sorry.
Education oh, let me get aheadof myself.
Education is one of thestrongest things about your
sexual schema.
So let's say you have a guy whohas been watching sex on
(15:08):
pornography.
His friends watch pornographyand give him all kinds of
details about their sexualencounters with other people,
and he now gets married to awoman who has never seen any of
that and never been around thosekind of friends and he says
let's do this because he's seenit on pornography.
It might be anal sex, it mightbe oral sex, it may be bondage,
(15:33):
it may be all kinds of things towhich she would likely be in
horror of hearing Like what,what do you mean?
Normal people don't do that.
Good people don't do that.
Godly people don't do that, andI'll guarantee you that
couple's going to have somesexual difficulties because of
the fact that he wants to dothat, because his experience has
(15:55):
said that's what everybody does.
I was at a World Congress ofSexual Health that's been
several years ago now I think itwas about 2008, so it's been a
while and some of the speakersthere were saying marriage as we
now know it in the world isdoomed, and their logic was
because of the fact that theprimary sexual education in the
(16:17):
world is internet pornography.
They are programming young menand, by the way, a tremendous
percentage of young women alsowatch internet pornography.
They're actually programmingthese young men and these young
women to get to the point wherethey think everybody wants to
have sex all the time and that'swhat they're going to expect
from their partners when theyget married.
Realistically speaking, noteven porn stars want to have sex
(16:42):
all the time.
They get paid to be on thatscreen doing whatever they're
doing.
But if you have that kind ofeducation, unless your spouse
has had a similar education, youprobably are going to have some
sexual incompatibilities.
Oh, one other thing that's veryimportant.
I forgot to mention yourparents, the way they
(17:03):
demonstrated sexuality.
If your parents were alwaysangry at each other, saying bad
things to each other.
You didn't see any hugging.
You didn't see any kissing.
You didn't see any affection ofany kind pass between the two
of them.
That actually affects youreducation about sex as well.
As opposed to, parents who arevery affectionate toward each
(17:23):
other will hug each other infront of their children,
sometimes kiss each other infront of their children,
obviously not going to make lovein front of their children, you
understand, but present apositive sexual model.
You say so, that's it.
It's whatever education we'vebeen through, and the fact that
my husband or my wife and I havebeen through different
educational processes means thatwe might have some
compatibilities.
(17:43):
Yes and no.
There are two more things.
That one was education.
The next thing is experience.
Whatever experiences you havehad before you met each other
and whatever experiences youhave had since you've been
together also become part ofthat sexual schema furtively
(18:17):
masturbates in their bedroomlate at night and maybe on their
cell phone.
They've called up some porn tohelp them get excited, for
example, and now they're lookingat all that and they masturbate
and they feel guilty because ofthe fact they know that their
parents would be very muchagainst that, and they have
learned either the male or thefemale to orgasm as quickly as
possible so that you don't getcaught.
Does that experience thenaffect sexuality later in life?
(18:44):
Absolutely One.
This is certainly not all thereasons, but one of the reasons
that some men have trouble withpremature ejaculation is because
they masturbated so much whenthey were young.
They had trained themselves toorgasm as quickly as they could
so that they wouldn't have anyguilt, and now their body's
programmed to that, and sothey're finding themselves
experiencing prematureejaculation.
Now, is that fixable?
Yes, and of course prematureejaculation can come from other
(19:08):
reasons as well.
But because of experience, or itmight be because of your first
sexual experience with anotherperson.
You say what do you mean?
I talked to a couple of yearsago where that she, in the sense
of how we talk about it insexuality, was frigid.
She was inorgasmic, as a matterof fact, no libido evidence at
(19:31):
all, what we would today callasexual.
I don't want to have sex, Ihave no interest in sex.
Why don't you just, you know,let's just live together, be
buddies and let's leave it atthat.
I was trying to help thatcouple and I started asking her
and I asked if you ever weretalking to me about sex because
you were having trouble in yourmarriage.
One of the first questions I'mgoing to ask you tell me about
(19:54):
your first sexual experience.
Now, I don't need to know everydetail.
I'm not looking to beexhilarated by your experience,
nor to be disgusted by yourexperience.
All I want to know is whathappened.
Give me the generals, don'ttell me the little details,
because I don't need that, Idon't want that.
And so in this particular case,this woman, when she was a young
child, she said I only had thevaguest memories of this, but I
(20:17):
was in this building and therewas a man in that building with
me.
Actually, he was a teenager, Iwas probably three or four, I
think.
She said and my vague, vaguememory is that my pants and my
panties, or my shorts, I thinkshe said my shorts and my
panties were off and I wascrying, and that's the only
memory I have of that.
(20:38):
Well, you know as well as I dothat that very likely indicates
some kind of sexual thingoccurred there that has driven
her to the point where she seessex as painful, as wrong, as
abusive, etc, etc.
And now she's married to a manwho has a sex drive.
(20:58):
He wants to make love to hiswife and she's like I don't want
anything to do with it at all.
And where does it come from?
Experience.
It's not always experience aschildren, although unfortunately
, way too often it is.
It can be experience when youreach your teenage years.
Maybe she's 15, he's 19, butthey start dating each other
(21:20):
because she developed quickly,going through the secondary and
tertiary sexual development, andso therefore she has breasts
and she looks like she's a lotolder than she is, and he starts
dating her and he forces herinto sex.
Maybe he forces her into doingoral sex on him.
Maybe he forces her intointercourse.
Now, I'm not talking about thefact that he's using a gun or a
(21:41):
knife or he's hitting her besidethe head.
When I say force, he's usinghis peer pressure.
All those other things are evilas well, but here he's using
peer pressure.
If you loved me, you would dothis.
So please do that for me.
And so she does.
But she feels guilty, she feelsunprepared, she can't figure it
out.
It's even worse if that persondoing it to her or to him is a
(22:06):
relative, like a father or amother, aunt, uncle, grandfather
, grandmother.
Makes it even worse then, butthose experiences definitely
affect your sexual schema.
I was working with a coupleseveral years ago.
They're very intelligent people.
He was a physician, she was apharmacist, smart people, a lot
of education, and they had beenmarried oh, I think 35 years,
(22:29):
when I was working with themabout a particular problem they
had and she finally, after 35years of marriage, told her
husband about the sexual abusehe endured when she was young.
He was flabbergasted.
He said why didn't you tell mebefore?
Because if you had, I wouldn'thave been pushing you all these
(22:50):
years because I'd be realizing Iwas hurting you by that.
Now, without having time totell you how, I'm telling you
that they were able to work itout so that they could have a
decent sex life with each other.
So the first one is education,the second one is experience,
the third one is expectations.
So what do you mean?
(23:10):
What you expect sex is going tobe like when you finally get
into a relationship that mattersto you?
Some people, of course, aregoing to do that pre-marriage,
although I don't have time toexplain, but there are a lot of
problems that come with that,and some are post-marriage, like
on the honeymoon night.
Here's what I'm expecting tohappen.
(23:31):
And it doesn't.
It's flawed.
Somebody hurts the otherperson's feelings.
Now you say okay, dr B.
So expectations he thinks we'regoing to make love every day,
and maybe at the beginning theydo.
I remember a couple where hewanted to leave her because of
(23:51):
the fact that she didn't want tohave sex every day anymore.
They've been married like sevenor eight years.
She'd had a couple of childrenin the meantime.
He said when we were datingeach other, she was hot to trot
I'm using his phrase and in anearly night marriage she
couldn't get enough sex.
And now I feel like I have toask for it or beg for it.
And I said to him don't youthink that that's probably very
(24:11):
logical?
For a couple of reasons.
One is in the meantime she'shad children and therefore they
get a lot of her attention.
And another is you have reachedwhat is called sexual boredom.
Actually, it's called sexualhabituation, to be exact.
And sexual habituation doesn'ttake seven years to get to About
two, about two years intohaving sex with a person.
(24:34):
Things get habitual, they'renot exciting anymore, they're
more like well, this is what wedo every time.
You can still enjoy touchingeach other, you can still enjoy
kissing each other, you canstill enjoy orgasms that you
have, but the thrill of newnessis gone.
And if you say, how do we getit back?
(24:55):
Is there a way?
Yes, there is a way.
Now I've given you the threeschemas.
You have your own schema thatcame from those three things,
the way they blend and meldtogether.
Your spouse has a sexual schemabased on his or her three
things and how they blend andmeld together.
And when you have contradictoryschemas or at least conflicting
(25:19):
schemas I want that, you wantthis, I want this, you want that
there can be a lot of sexualproblems that occur.
You say, can you help us withthat?
Yes, but in this particularvideo all I wanted to do was to
help you understand where itcame from.
It doesn't mean your spouse isbeing angry necessarily.
(25:39):
It doesn't mean necessarilythat your spouse is trying to
punish you.
It could be.
But it doesn't mean that.
It could just mean that becauseof your histories, that's where
the incompatibility is comingin and that can be fixed.
But hand in hand with that, ifyou have relationship problems,
you'll have to fix those first.
You say really Really, becauseif you can fix the relationship
(26:03):
problems, then you can fix thesexual incompatibilities.
Now, if you're thinking, hey,you kind of did a bait and
switch.
I thought you were going totell us how to overcome sexual
conflict, I don't have time, notin a 25 to 30 minute video.
So what I've done is help youunderstand where the conflict's
coming from.
Thank you for coming toRelationship Radio.
(26:25):
In the next episode we'llactually be talking more about
solutions than how the problemcame to be.
In the next episode we're goingto be talking about what if you
have financial disagreementshow do you handle those and our
CEO, kimberly Beam Holmes, willbe with me on that program.
Until then, we hope you have agood life and we'll see you next
(26:47):
on Relationship Radio.
Three things in your life determine your sexuality,
how you think about sex, whatyou want to do when it comes to
sex, what you refuse to do whenit comes to sex.
Would you like to know whatthose three things are?
Because not only do those threethings affect you, there are
three things in your spouse'slife that affects the way that
he or she has sexuality, the waythey think about sex, what they
(00:23):
want to do and what they don'twant to do.
If you want to know, hang on.
I'm about to tell you.
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam, withMarriage Helper.
This is a relationship radioprogram and I want to talk about
sex, particularly when it comesto the fact that a couple may
have disagreements about sex.
Actually, people who go to see asexologist or a sex therapist
(00:50):
typically sexologists don't getthe business sex therapists do.
If people go to see a sextherapist, the number one
presenting problem isdisagreement about frequency.
Either he wants to have moresex or she wants to have more
sex, and yes, I said that onpurpose.
There are many marriages wherethe wife actually has a greater
libido, a stronger sex drive,than her husband does, and so
it's not always the man whowants more sex.
(01:11):
Although that's more common, itcan be the wife who wants more
sex, and that's why theytypically wind up going to see a
sex therapist.
Help us figure out how to solvethis incompatibility.
Another reason, of course, thatpeople would go to see a sex
therapist would be well, we arein general agreement about how
(01:32):
often to have sex, but we havesome pretty strong disagreements
about what we do sexually.
He wants to try that.
She says oh no, no, no, no, no.
Or she wants to try that and hesays oh no, no, no.
Now, as I said at the beginningof this program, that comes
from three different things inyour life.
But first let me talk to youabout how this can actually
determine whether a marriagestays together or not.
(01:53):
I remember talking to a coupleof years ago.
He was leaving her, divorcingher, and when I was asking him,
give me the reasons, he said the16 years we've been married, I
have begged with tears in myeyes please make love to me, or
at the very least, allow me tomake love to you.
And she would say, no, I'm notinterested.
(02:14):
And so, finally, I'm leavingbecause of the fact that I want
to be sexually fulfilled and Ican't possibly have that in this
marriage where my wife issexually frigid.
Now, believe it or not, frigidis a word that's still used in
sexology and in sexualitystudies.
It means one who has no desire,or it could be one that has
some degree of desire but isinorgasmic, meaning that he or
(02:37):
she can't reach orgasm, and sothat marriage was falling apart
because of the lack of sex.
Now some of you people who arereligious let's say particularly
Christian people, for examplewould say well, no, you can't
divorce your husband or yourwife for that.
You can only divorce them foradultery.
I dealt with another couple onceon the East Coast several years
(02:57):
ago.
They were both 26 years old.
They had married when they were21.
So they'd been married fiveyears, obviously, and sometime
within the first year he didsomething.
I never did declare exactly onwhat it was, but he did
something that really irritatedher, and so her decision was we
will never have sex with eachother again.
(03:18):
Now, by the time he was 26years old, his libido, of course
, did not go away just becausehis wife said no sex.
His libido was still there, andso eventually he wound up
having a one-night stand.
He felt so guilty about it.
He confessed it to his wife andshe said that's it, that's done
, I'm divorcing.
(03:38):
You, get out Now.
I was talking to this couple andI asked her I'm not justifying
his adultery, I'm not justifyingthe fact that he slept with
somebody else, but can you atleast realize that to a degree
you share the responsibility ofthat temptation?
Because they were church peopleand I was talking to them in a
church building.
I actually quoted scripture tothem from the New Testament, 1
(04:01):
Corinthians 7, where it saysit's the obligation, it's the
responsibility of the husband tofulfill his wife sexually and
of the wife to fulfill herhusband sexually.
And it goes on to say do notdeprive each other except by
prayer, and for a time, so thatyou may devote yourselves again
to prayer and I misquoted that alittle bit so that you can
(04:22):
devote yourselves again toprayer, so that Satan will not
tempt you because of your lackof fulfillment.
So I said I'm not justifyinghis adultery, but you had some
contribution to that because youwouldn't make love to him On
another occasion.
I know a couple.
As a matter of fact, he washandicapped in the sense that he
was blind.
He was a pretty intelligent guy, but the blindness caused him
(04:45):
some difficulties and problemsand finally this woman falls in
love with him and she marrieshim.
She too had a handicap, and soit was kind of neat that these
two people had found each other,because there was some
speculation that because oftheir handicaps they might not
find mates.
But they found each other.
They loved each other deeply.
They've been married only for afew months.
(05:05):
When she told me I'm divorcinghim and I said why, what
happened?
She said he asked me if I woulddo oral sex on him, and that
means he's a pervert and I'm notgoing to be married to a
pervert.
Therefore I'm divorcing him Now, hopefully.
These are just some of thestories of course I could tell
(05:26):
you, but these stories areindicating to you that sometimes
couples have sexual problems.
Another one I've run across manytimes, particularly with people
who are religious, is that mychurch or my pastor or my
preacher, my priest, my rabbi,somebody taught me that a
particular sex act was a sinagainst God and therefore I
(05:47):
don't want to do that.
And now my spouse isencouraging me to do that with
him or with her, and I'mrefusing because of the fact
that I consider it to be a sinand it's going to send me
straight to hell.
Then the frustration sets in onboth of them, both the one who
wants that and the one who'srefusing that, and another
(06:11):
situation similar to that wouldbe starting off the same way.
I can't do that because I'vebeen taught it's wrong.
But they do yield, they doparticipate and they do enjoy
that participation.
Now they've done something thatthey believe in their mind is
wrong, sinful, but they liked it, and so now they continue to do
it, but they feel guilty, andfinally the guilt may wear off.
(06:35):
But if the guilt wears off, sodoes their sense of doing what's
right and doing what's wrong.
Like, well, I guess you shouldjust make yourself happy.
All right, have you seenyourself in any of those stories
or something similar?
Well, let me tell you how yougot to where you are, whether
you're one who is sexuallyadventurous or one who is
(06:57):
sexually reserved.
I talked to a couple of yearsago and he he said she's just so
sexually inhibited.
And she was standing there andshe said I don't have any sexual
inhibitions at all.
And I said okay, you know, I'ma sexologist, I'm not a sex
therapist, but I'm a sexologist,I study sex, I teach sex.
And so may I ask you a questionFeel free not to answer, but to
(07:26):
tie it up as to whether or notyou might be inhibited when it
comes to sex.
At what age did you firstmasturbate?
She was grossly offended.
I have never touched myself andI never will.
Hmm, well, basically that doesmean that she's sexually
inhibited, but where did it comefrom?
Why?
Okay, these are the threethings.
(07:47):
The first thing has to do witheducation, now, not just formal
education.
Some of you may have hadeducation in middle school or
high school or even in collegeabout human sexuality, and you
learned about the anatomy, likethat's what's inside the male,
that's what's outside the male,that's what's inside the female,
that's what's outside thefemale.
You may have learned about theprimary sex situation that
(08:11):
people go through, and then thesecondary and then the tertiary,
about the development thatpeople go through sexually as
they develop.
You may have learned a wholelot of things about those things
.
You may even have learned thatit's extremely difficult to
define an orgasm to someonewho's never had one, and so
sometimes you might ask a clienthave you ever been orgasmic,
(08:32):
have you ever had an orgasm?
And sometimes they say no, andsometimes they say a lot and
sometimes they say I don't know,what do you mean?
You don't know.
I don't even think I understandwhat an orgasm is.
Therefore I don't know if I'veever had one.
Now, with the proper education,now let's start with formal
(08:52):
education, then go to informaleducation.
Formal education would be aclass taught by a teacher who's
been instructed about anatomyand about sexuality, and that
teacher then shares that withhis or her students and people
learn, and so that's part of sexeducation.
But the greater part of sexeducation actually comes
informally.
I had one of my students when Itaught human sexuality at
(09:16):
Lipscomb University a few yearsago.
I taught once per semester.
I had one of my students when Itaught human sexuality at
Lipscomb University a few yearsago.
I taught once per semester.
I mean not just one class persemester, but that's the only
class.
I taught that semester of humansexuality, 16 sessions of it,
and the next semester 16 moresessions, with a new group of
course.
And I had one of my studentstell me on one occasion about
something about the femaleanatomy.
First of all, he corrected mypronunciation of a certain part
(09:39):
of the female anatomy, to whichI replied no, that's not right,
I'm pronouncing it correctly.
And then another time I taughtsomething and he said I know
that's wrong.
And I said really how he said,because my roommate told me.
And then he said I didn't,roommate.
You see, education is not justwhat you learn in a classroom.
Education is what you learnfrom life, and so part of your
(10:02):
sexual education has been whatyour buddies and friends have
told you, whether they're maleor female, and it probably
started relatively young itcould have been as young as I'll
show you mine if you show meyours.
It could have been a little bitlater than life.
When a bunch of girls aresitting around talking about sex
or a bunch of boys are sittingaround talking about sex and
(10:24):
they start sharing the thingsthat they have heard or the
things that they think, andthose conversations are usually
full of misinformation Well, Iheard this, I think that, et
cetera and they go on and theother people buy into it and
believe it.
Wow, that must be true, why?
Well, my friend told me how oldis your friend?
Twelve.
(10:46):
We probably wouldn't call him orher a sex expert, but you're
still learning from whatever thepeople around you think about
sex.
You're learning from televisionabout sex.
You're learning what people doin sitcoms when they become very
enamored of each other.
You learn from movies about sexand you start to get a paradigm
(11:08):
that fits into that, like, wow,that's one of my schemas.
As a matter of fact, that'swhat we call these things,
sexual schemas.
A schema is something that youfilter information through to
make a decision.
So, for example, if you live ina country where people drive on
the right-hand side of the roadand then you rent a car in
another country where they driveon the left-hand side of the
(11:29):
road, it's more difficult to do.
Why?
Because your driving schema isa right-hand driving schema, and
so you interpret seeing othertraffic, you interpret your
speed, you interpret trafficlights, you interpret traffic
signs all based on that schemaof how you learn how to drive,
and so driving on the left-handside can sometimes lead to some
pretty bad situations because ofthat.
(11:49):
Well, the same kind of thingapplies to sex.
When it comes to your education, formal and informal, you start
getting an idea of what sex issupposed to be like and what you
think sex really is like.
Way before you ever have ortypically, way before you ever
have, your very first sexualencounter, you say really Mm-hmm
(12:13):
Actually, and that educationcan mess you up royally, because
some education like that isjust so wrong.
And then if you have beenwatching pornography, either
renting or buying the CDs, orthese days you don't have to
leave your house.
(12:33):
You can get to the rightchannel or make the right
subscription or go to the rightsite on your computer and you
can see hardcore triple Xpornography, some of which is
actually called gonzopornography.
You say I don't know what thatis.
If not, I'm glad you don't.
Gonzo pornography isn't evenabout relationship at all,
(12:56):
because they found that moviesthat are pornographic, that
actually build relationshipslike the man falls in love with
a woman and she falls in lovewith him and then that leads to
actual sex on the screen thatwomen tend to find that
extremely romantic and sothey'll watch that kind of
pornography because they see itall together in the concept of a
(13:16):
relationship.
Gonzo porn has no relationshipsin it whatsoever.
It's just sex, nonstop sex, allkinds of sex, many people
involved in the sex, sometimesanimals involved in the sex, and
it's basically animalistic inbehavior, it's animalistic in
the things that they represent.
So if you have been watchingpornography one way or the other
(13:36):
, whatever point it might be, ithas become part of your schema
based on your education.
As a matter of fact, in theworld today, the number one
method of sex education isinternet pornography, and that's
not just in the USA, it's notjust in what we would call the
Western countries, it's in theMideast, it's in the Far East,
(14:00):
it's in the Sahara, it's in thesub-Sahara part of the world,
it's everywhere.
I actually saw this with my owneyes, as opposed to seeing it
with somebody else's eyes.
I guess I was way back in thebush in Africa many years ago
and the missionaries I was withthey took me to a village and in
(14:21):
this village there was a storethat sold pornographic tapes.
And I said they don't have anyelectricity here.
I don't see any televisions.
How would anybody be able towatch this?
Oh, somebody's got it.
As a matter of fact, the onlytelevision here might be in that
store and they've got agenerator or something that
generates electricity and peoplepay out here in the middle of
(14:43):
nowhere what we would call alack of civilization although it
really is its own kind ofcivilization and they're coming
in here and watching pornographyand that's what they're
learning from.
And so experience I'm sorry.
Education oh, let me get aheadof myself.
Education is one of thestrongest things about your
sexual schema.
So let's say you have a guy whohas been watching sex on
(15:08):
pornography.
His friends watch pornographyand give him all kinds of
details about their sexualencounters with other people,
and he now gets married to awoman who has never seen any of
that and never been around thosekind of friends and he says
let's do this because he's seenit on pornography.
It might be anal sex, it mightbe oral sex, it may be bondage,
(15:33):
it may be all kinds of things towhich she would likely be in
horror of hearing Like what,what do you mean?
Normal people don't do that.
Good people don't do that.
Godly people don't do that, andI'll guarantee you that
couple's going to have somesexual difficulties because of
the fact that he wants to dothat, because his experience has
(15:55):
said that's what everybody does.
I was at a World Congress ofSexual Health that's been
several years ago now I think itwas about 2008, so it's been a
while and some of the speakersthere were saying marriage as we
now know it in the world isdoomed, and their logic was
because of the fact that theprimary sexual education in the
(16:17):
world is internet pornography.
They are programming young menand, by the way, a tremendous
percentage of young women alsowatch internet pornography.
They're actually programmingthese young men and these young
women to get to the point wherethey think everybody wants to
have sex all the time and that'swhat they're going to expect
from their partners when theyget married.
Realistically speaking, noteven porn stars want to have sex
(16:42):
all the time.
They get paid to be on thatscreen doing whatever they're
doing.
But if you have that kind ofeducation, unless your spouse
has had a similar education, youprobably are going to have some
sexual incompatibilities.
Oh, one other thing that's veryimportant.
I forgot to mention yourparents, the way they
(17:03):
demonstrated sexuality.
If your parents were alwaysangry at each other, saying bad
things to each other.
You didn't see any hugging.
You didn't see any kissing.
You didn't see any affection ofany kind pass between the two
of them.
That actually affects youreducation about sex as well.
As opposed to, parents who arevery affectionate toward each
(17:23):
other will hug each other infront of their children,
sometimes kiss each other infront of their children,
obviously not going to make lovein front of their children, you
understand, but present apositive sexual model.
You say so, that's it.
It's whatever education we'vebeen through, and the fact that
my husband or my wife and I havebeen through different
educational processes means thatwe might have some
compatibilities.
(17:43):
Yes and no.
There are two more things.
That one was education.
The next thing is experience.
Whatever experiences you havehad before you met each other
and whatever experiences youhave had since you've been
together also become part ofthat sexual schema furtively
(18:17):
masturbates in their bedroomlate at night and maybe on their
cell phone.
They've called up some porn tohelp them get excited, for
example, and now they're lookingat all that and they masturbate
and they feel guilty because ofthe fact they know that their
parents would be very muchagainst that, and they have
learned either the male or thefemale to orgasm as quickly as
possible so that you don't getcaught.
Does that experience thenaffect sexuality later in life?
(18:44):
Absolutely One.
This is certainly not all thereasons, but one of the reasons
that some men have trouble withpremature ejaculation is because
they masturbated so much whenthey were young.
They had trained themselves toorgasm as quickly as they could
so that they wouldn't have anyguilt, and now their body's
programmed to that, and sothey're finding themselves
experiencing prematureejaculation.
Now, is that fixable?
Yes, and of course prematureejaculation can come from other
(19:08):
reasons as well.
But because of experience, or itmight be because of your first
sexual experience with anotherperson.
You say what do you mean?
I talked to a couple of yearsago where that she, in the sense
of how we talk about it insexuality, was frigid.
She was inorgasmic, as a matterof fact, no libido evidence at
(19:31):
all, what we would today callasexual.
I don't want to have sex, Ihave no interest in sex.
Why don't you just, you know,let's just live together, be
buddies and let's leave it atthat.
I was trying to help thatcouple and I started asking her
and I asked if you ever weretalking to me about sex because
you were having trouble in yourmarriage.
One of the first questions I'mgoing to ask you tell me about
(19:54):
your first sexual experience.
Now, I don't need to know everydetail.
I'm not looking to beexhilarated by your experience,
nor to be disgusted by yourexperience.
All I want to know is whathappened.
Give me the generals, don'ttell me the little details,
because I don't need that, Idon't want that.
And so in this particular case,this woman, when she was a young
child, she said I only had thevaguest memories of this, but I
(20:17):
was in this building and therewas a man in that building with
me.
Actually, he was a teenager, Iwas probably three or four, I
think.
She said and my vague, vaguememory is that my pants and my
panties, or my shorts, I thinkshe said my shorts and my
panties were off and I wascrying, and that's the only
memory I have of that.
(20:38):
Well, you know as well as I dothat that very likely indicates
some kind of sexual thingoccurred there that has driven
her to the point where she seessex as painful, as wrong, as
abusive, etc, etc.
And now she's married to a manwho has a sex drive.
(20:58):
He wants to make love to hiswife and she's like I don't want
anything to do with it at all.
And where does it come from?
Experience.
It's not always experience aschildren, although unfortunately
, way too often it is.
It can be experience when youreach your teenage years.
Maybe she's 15, he's 19, butthey start dating each other
(21:20):
because she developed quickly,going through the secondary and
tertiary sexual development, andso therefore she has breasts
and she looks like she's a lotolder than she is, and he starts
dating her and he forces herinto sex.
Maybe he forces her into doingoral sex on him.
Maybe he forces her intointercourse.
Now, I'm not talking about thefact that he's using a gun or a
(21:41):
knife or he's hitting her besidethe head.
When I say force, he's usinghis peer pressure.
All those other things are evilas well, but here he's using
peer pressure.
If you loved me, you would dothis.
So please do that for me.
And so she does.
But she feels guilty, she feelsunprepared, she can't figure it
out.
It's even worse if that persondoing it to her or to him is a
(22:06):
relative, like a father or amother, aunt, uncle, grandfather
, grandmother.
Makes it even worse then, butthose experiences definitely
affect your sexual schema.
I was working with a coupleseveral years ago.
They're very intelligent people.
He was a physician, she was apharmacist, smart people, a lot
of education, and they had beenmarried oh, I think 35 years,
(22:29):
when I was working with themabout a particular problem they
had and she finally, after 35years of marriage, told her
husband about the sexual abusehe endured when she was young.
He was flabbergasted.
He said why didn't you tell mebefore?
Because if you had, I wouldn'thave been pushing you all these
(22:50):
years because I'd be realizing Iwas hurting you by that.
Now, without having time totell you how, I'm telling you
that they were able to work itout so that they could have a
decent sex life with each other.
So the first one is education,the second one is experience,
the third one is expectations.
So what do you mean?
(23:10):
What you expect sex is going tobe like when you finally get
into a relationship that mattersto you?
Some people, of course, aregoing to do that pre-marriage,
although I don't have time toexplain, but there are a lot of
problems that come with that,and some are post-marriage, like
on the honeymoon night.
Here's what I'm expecting tohappen.
(23:31):
And it doesn't.
It's flawed.
Somebody hurts the otherperson's feelings.
Now you say okay, dr B.
So expectations he thinks we'regoing to make love every day,
and maybe at the beginning theydo.
I remember a couple where hewanted to leave her because of
(23:51):
the fact that she didn't want tohave sex every day anymore.
They've been married like sevenor eight years.
She'd had a couple of childrenin the meantime.
He said when we were datingeach other, she was hot to trot
I'm using his phrase and in anearly night marriage she
couldn't get enough sex.
And now I feel like I have toask for it or beg for it.
And I said to him don't youthink that that's probably very
(24:11):
logical?
For a couple of reasons.
One is in the meantime she'shad children and therefore they
get a lot of her attention.
And another is you have reachedwhat is called sexual boredom.
Actually, it's called sexualhabituation, to be exact.
And sexual habituation doesn'ttake seven years to get to About
two, about two years intohaving sex with a person.
(24:34):
Things get habitual, they'renot exciting anymore, they're
more like well, this is what wedo every time.
You can still enjoy touchingeach other, you can still enjoy
kissing each other, you canstill enjoy orgasms that you
have, but the thrill of newnessis gone.
And if you say, how do we getit back?
(24:55):
Is there a way?
Yes, there is a way.
Now I've given you the threeschemas.
You have your own schema thatcame from those three things,
the way they blend and meldtogether.
Your spouse has a sexual schemabased on his or her three
things and how they blend andmeld together.
And when you have contradictoryschemas or at least conflicting
(25:19):
schemas I want that, you wantthis, I want this, you want that
there can be a lot of sexualproblems that occur.
You say, can you help us withthat?
Yes, but in this particularvideo all I wanted to do was to
help you understand where itcame from.
It doesn't mean your spouse isbeing angry necessarily.
(25:39):
It doesn't mean necessarilythat your spouse is trying to
punish you.
It could be.
But it doesn't mean that.
It could just mean that becauseof your histories, that's where
the incompatibility is comingin and that can be fixed.
But hand in hand with that, ifyou have relationship problems,
you'll have to fix those first.
You say really Really, becauseif you can fix the relationship
(26:03):
problems, then you can fix thesexual incompatibilities.
Now, if you're thinking, hey,you kind of did a bait and
switch.
I thought you were going totell us how to overcome sexual
conflict, I don't have time, notin a 25 to 30 minute video.
So what I've done is help youunderstand where the conflict's
coming from.
Thank you for coming toRelationship Radio.
(26:25):
In the next episode we'llactually be talking more about
solutions than how the problemcame to be.
In the next episode we're goingto be talking about what if you
have financial disagreementshow do you handle those and our
CEO, kimberly Beam Holmes, willbe with me on that program.
Until then, we hope you have agood life and we'll see you next
(26:47):
on Relationship Radio.
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