August 20, 2025 • 27 mins
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You don’t have to change who you are to look and feel your best. In this video, we’ll talk about how you can become more physically attractive without changing your personality, values, or authenticity.
You’ll learn simple, practical ways to enhance your natural appearance—things anyone can do to boost confidence, posture, and energy—while still staying true to yourself. We’ll cover tips for improving your style, taking care of your body, and showing up in a way that makes people notice you for the right reasons.
If you’ve ever felt like “attractive” means you have to fit someone else’s mold, this video will show you a different approach: how to become more physically attractive without changing the core of who you are. Because true attractiveness isn’t about pretending—it’s about highlighting what’s already great about you.
Watch until the end for practical steps you can start using today to look better, feel better, and attract the right kind of attention—while being 100% you.
#PersonalGrowth #SelfImprovement #Attraction
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Do you remember the first time that you met your
spouse, that undeniable feelingof attraction?
I know I do.
I remember my husband waswalking into my dorm room.
I was down there with all of myfriends and as soon as he came
in to take me on our first date,I thought man, this guy is hot.
(00:20):
I loved how tall he was.
I loved how strong he was.
I loved so many things abouthim and I just continued to
become more and more attractedto him the more I got to know
him.
One of the things that we knowat Marriage Helper is that there
are four aspects of attraction.
Physical attraction is one ofthem and for most of us,
(00:43):
physical attraction is the firstthing that we were attracted to
about our spouse or that maybewe still are attracted to about
our spouse.
But that's just the first thing.
As we get to know them, webegin to become intellectually
attracted to them.
We enjoy talking to them.
We enjoy being with them.
We become emotionally attractedto them.
(01:04):
We enjoy how they make us feel.
I remember with my husband wewould have amazing conversations
about travel or about thingsthat we had learned.
I enjoyed talking to himEmotionally.
Honestly, I felt like aprincess.
Sometimes he would send flowersto my dorm room and surprise me
, and I was the envy of all ofthe girls in my hall.
(01:27):
We would have longconversations on the phone every
single night.
I'd wake up to a text from himevery morning telling me that he
loved me and he hoped I had agreat day.
And then there was thespiritual attraction.
I was attracted to, the kind ofperson he was, his beliefs and
values, his love of Jesus, hisgenerosity towards others.
(01:49):
And those are the four areas ofattraction physical,
intellectual, emotional andspiritual.
And at Marriage Helper, we callthat the pies of attraction.
And today we're going to talkabout how you can become more
physically attractive withoutchanging who you are.
Because here's the thing we allchange.
(02:09):
When I first met my husband, Iwas 20 years old.
I am now older.
I'm 20 years old and he's olderthan the 23-year-old that I
first met.
We all change as we age andwhile physical attraction never
becomes less important, italways stays important.
There are things that you cando to become and stay physically
(02:31):
attractive to yourself and toyour spouse without having to
massively change who you are orwhat you look like.
I know that there's always a bitof trepidation entering into
topics like this, because peopletend to think you're just going
to tell me I need to loseweight or something like that,
that I'm not good enough how Iam.
(02:51):
But what I'm going to sharewith you today is a new research
study out of the InternationalJournal of Psychiatry or the
International Review ofPsychology, by Charles Hill, dr
Charles Hill and some of hiscolleagues.
That has been one of myfavorite research studies
recently, to just pour overmyself, and here's why Because
(03:12):
he talks about in this researcharticle, several different areas
of attraction.
All that can be encompassedinto the four that I've already
shared with you physical,intellectual, emotional and
spiritual, but some of thethings he says y'all just wait.
You're going to be so energizedand excited about what the
research is telling us about howwe can become more physically
(03:33):
attractive without changing whowe are.
But here's the first point thatI want you to be able to
understand.
Number one is that yourself-esteem fuels how you feel
about yourself, and here's whythis matters.
A part of this research articleand a part of what we know
about attraction is that thereare two ways that someone can
(03:59):
increase how attractive they are, or they can decrease how
attractive they are.
It's known asattractiveness-enhan enhancing
behaviors or self-deprecatingbehaviors, and this is fleshed
out a lot in the researcharticle.
But it all stems from one mainthing, which is this the way you
feel about yourself will leadto you either doing the things
(04:25):
that will lead you to be moreattractive or doing the things
that will make you unattractiveAttraction-enhancing behaviors,
self-deprecating behaviors butit all stems from self-esteem.
Now, in my PhD research thatI've been doing for my
dissertation, self-esteem wasone of the major components that
I studied throughout myliterature review.
(04:46):
I have read hundreds andhundreds of articles about
self-esteem and here is the realbottom line, super smart
definition of self-esteem it'show you feel about yourself.
That's truly, at the end of theday, what it is.
There's a lot of differentscales of self-esteem that
measure different aspects anddifferent parts of that, but
(05:07):
really it all boils down to howyou feel about yourself.
There's state self-esteem whichis kind of this is the part of
self-esteem that can change overtime.
It may be related to yourperformance or to your physical
self or different things likethat.
Those are the parts ofself-esteem that can change over
time.
But then there's traitself-esteem, which stays stable.
(05:29):
It's overall how you feel aboutyourself.
And the way you feel aboutyourself comes directly from one
thing what you say aboutyourself to yourself.
So many times we think, man,I'm only good enough if my
husband tells me so or if mywife responds to me in the way
(05:52):
that I want her to, or if otherpeople validate me.
But that's actually one of thelowest levels of self-esteem
when it's dependent on someoneelse, it's highly volatile.
We have to become the kind ofpeople who realize that we have
worth, that we have value, andthe way that we talk about
(06:12):
ourselves are going to fuel thatin us.
I actually just heard I waslistening to an audio book on
the way here and I heard theauthor say in the audio book
that 95% of our emotions aboutourself comes from how we speak
to ourselves, about ourselves asa performance psychology.
(06:35):
You don't call it a major whenyou're getting your PhD, but, as
I'm getting my PhD inpsychology with the emphasis on
performance psychology, my PhDin psychology with the emphasis
on performance psychology thisis one of the things I know to
be true of high performers,athletes, ceos, all of those
kinds of people Self-talk is oneof the top indicators of how
(06:56):
someone will perform.
Now we can hear that about aNavy SEAL or a Marine or Usain
Bolt and think, man, yeah, thatmakes sense for them, but it
makes just as much sense for youIf 95% of your emotions come
from the thoughts that you feelabout yourself.
So if 95% of your emotions comefrom your thoughts about
(07:17):
yourself, then the first thingyou need to do is change the way
you talk about yourself.
If you're looking in the mirrorand constantly saying, man, I'm
so ugly, I'm so fat, I'm sothis, I'm so, that you're going
to stay in theseself-deprecating behaviors,
because you already are speakingto yourself poorly, you're just
(07:38):
gonna keep doing the poorhabits that are keeping you
stuck where you are.
The number one thing that weneed to enter into this
conversation realizing is thatyour self-esteem will lead you
to do the right things or to dothe wrong things.
So let's make sure that you aredoing and saying the things to
yourself that will lead you todo the right things.
(08:01):
The first key takeaway,therefore, is this your own
self-esteem profoundly impactshow you feel about yourself,
which, in turn, fuels attractiveseeking and enhancing behaviors
, or a self-deprecating cycle.
The study that I read foundthat our perception of our own
(08:21):
attractiveness is heavily linkedwith self-esteem, which is your
overall sense of self-worth.
When you're feeling down aboutyourself, you might
unconsciously start engaging inbehaviors that aren't attractive
and that push your spouse away.
How many of you, when you'vejust felt crappy about yourself,
end up being irritated at yourspouse and then you end up
(08:44):
yelling at them for somethingthat they didn't do right?
Or they get home and you sayyou know what?
I don't, I just don't want todo that with you right now.
They're trying to take you outon a date night, but you feel so
bad about yourself that you'rejust like I just can't, I can't
do that right now.
You end up doing things thatpush your spouse away because
you don't feel good aboutyourself.
(09:04):
Maybe you're also less likelyto engage or initiate intimacy
when you don't feel good aboutyourself.
You shut your spouse down whenthey try to compliment you, or
maybe you get defensive reallyeasily.
Hey, I wish that we could spendsome more time together this
weekend.
Don't you know how busy I am?
Can't you see that those arethe things that erode intimacy
(09:27):
and lead to your spouse beingpushed away?
Overall, it leads you to beless attractive, even though
what I just said has nothing todo with your physical
attractiveness.
We're going to link those twothings here together in just a
minute, because here's the thingIf your spouse perceives you as
being closed off and distant,which is seen as less attractive
(09:47):
, then it reinforces theoriginal insecurity you have.
You already feel bad aboutyourself.
You're doing things that arenow pushing your spouse away,
which leads you to guess what?
Feel worse about yourself.
Have any of you ever felt thisway?
Maybe you feel this way now,and maybe it's not that you're
being closed off and distant.
Maybe it's that you are cravingvalidation from your spouse so
(10:13):
much that you are overly needythat you are relying on them to
be your source of happiness.
This was for sure me in thebeginning part of my marriage.
I 100% relied on my husband tobasically be my full source of
(10:34):
happiness, and I defined how Ifelt about myself from it.
If he would come home at theend of a long day and want some
time alone, I internalized that,as he doesn't want to spend
time with me, therefore hedoesn't love me, and I would
just follow him around theapartment.
I would beg him to spend timewith me, and guess what that did
(10:56):
?
It pushed him further away.
When we have low self-esteem,it leads us to do the behaviors
that can push our spouse away,which then leads our spouse to
seeing us as being lessattractive, which then further
lowers our self-esteem.
We've all been caught in thistrap, but there is a way to
break out of it.
(11:16):
So here's the second thing thatyou need to know Attraction
enhancing behaviors spark apositive feedback loop.
Those are super psychologicalwords to basically say when we
can begin to do the actions thatlead a person to be more
attracted to us.
It is what we say at MarriageHelper if anything works, this
(11:40):
will.
When you begin working on yourpies, and especially the
physical part of it, which we'regoing to get to here in just a
second these are the things thatcan begin to lead yourself back
.
So the article from Dr Hill andhis colleagues shows us that
physical attractiveness isn'tjust a place that you are in any
(12:00):
given moment.
It's dynamic.
You can change how physicallyattractive you come across as by
doing a couple of key thingsAttraction enhancing behaviors
You've heard me use that word,but here's what's so cool about
them.
Here's like.
Here's what I truly love aboutthis research.
Basically, what it's saying is,when you begin to do the habits
(12:24):
that other people see asattractive even if you don't
have any change in your weight,in your looks, in your body fat
percentage, in any of thosethings you will be seen as more
attractive.
You could continue to weigh theexact same that you weigh right
(12:45):
now, but if you are working outa couple of times a week, if
you're trying to eat healthy,all of a sudden you're seen as
more attractive, even if nothingchanges physically.
Just by the fact that you areengaging in these
attraction-enhancing behaviorsautomatically increases how
(13:06):
physically attractive you are.
I love this research so muchbecause it begins to take away
all of the body esteem and image, body image issues and all of
those things that we can get socaught up in that keep us stuck,
that keep us from actuallydoing the things that lead to
(13:26):
the best results, because we'relooking at the wrong outcome.
How many times have you feltlike you needed to lose weight?
And so you go to the gym acouple of times.
It's hard, you're sore, youhave to wake up early, you don't
want to do this, and guess what?
The scale's not moving anyway.
So you eventually just wake upearly.
You don't want to do this andguess what?
The scale's not moving anyway.
So you eventually just give up.
(13:49):
But what if your focus point,what if your actual goal, was
less about trying to lose 10, 20pounds and more about I'm going
to become the kind of personwho works out.
I'm going to become the kind ofperson who chooses healthy
foods to nourish my body with.
(14:10):
I'm going to become the kind ofperson who gets eight hours of
sleep a night, because those areattraction-enhancing behaviors.
It's the behavior, it's thehabit that leads to the increase
in attractiveness, notnecessarily the outcome.
Now, yes, of course there is a.
(14:33):
People are more attracted topeople who seem to be muscular
and slim and all of that.
I'm not saying that there's notan outcome that is seen as
attractive.
Like no one's looking at ChrisHemsworth and saying he's not
attractive right, he's also myhusband's crush, like full man
crush is Chris Hemsworth and myhusband.
(14:54):
But all of that to say, guesswhat?
When my husband, even though hedoesn't necessarily look like
Chris Hemsworth, truthfully Ithink my husband is more
attractive than Chris Hemsworthand I've told him that and he
always thinks I'm lying.
But when my husband startsworking out or when he gets home
from going on a run or if he'sjust lifted some weights.
(15:14):
I find that incrediblyattractive, much more attractive
than if I were to come home andhe's just been sitting around
playing video games all day.
I'm sure you all can see thisin your own life, and it doesn't
even just have to be thephysical attractiveness that is
a part of this.
Those physical attractionbehaviors are things that you
can do again without changingwho you are.
(15:37):
You can become more physicallyattractive without changing any
part of who you are.
But there's other things that,as you begin to do them, make
you more attractive as well.
One is putting your phone downwhen your spouse is talking to
you and looking them in the eye.
That is an attraction enhancingbehavior, because it's
(15:57):
increasing the emotionalattraction between the two of
you.
Another attraction enhancingbehavior is learning something
about what your spouse isinterested in and talking with
them about it when you're eatingdinner together each night.
Those are things that increaseattraction.
It's not about buying a newoutfit or getting a new haircut.
(16:17):
It's about the actions thatdemonstrate kindness, confidence
, intimacy and intellectualengagement.
The things like working out andeating healthy show
self-discipline, they showvitality, they show self-respect
and, ultimately, that's whythose attraction-seeking and
enhancing behaviors areincredibly attractive.
(16:39):
So put your phone down whenyour spouse is trying to talk to
you and listen.
Make sure that they feel heard,make sure that they feel
appreciated.
This act of showing you care ishighly attractive, and it also
leads your spouse to be able torespond with affection and
appreciation, which boosts yourself-esteem.
(17:00):
So now you're doing things thatare already good for you to be
doing.
That increases your ownself-esteem.
And then you're seeing positivethat are already good for you
to be doing.
That increases your ownself-esteem.
And then you're seeing positivefeedback coming from your
spouse, which further increasesyour self-esteem.
But I think it's important thatthere's something that we well.
Actually, there's a third pointhere, and I know some of you are
thinking what do I do, though,if I'm doing all the right
(17:22):
things but my spouse isn'treciprocating?
And I'm going to get to that injust a minute.
But the third point is thatattraction is a two-way street,
and reciprocity is a huge partof it.
So what does that mean?
Attraction isn't just somethingyou have, it's something that
you co-create.
If, back when I first saw myhusband and he took me on that
(17:44):
date, if I was only attracted tohim, then ultimately we would
have never ended up having arelationship, because attraction
can't always only be one way.
Eventually it has to bereciprocated in order for a
relationship to happen andultimately, what ends up
happening when we get into astate of our marriage struggling
or being in a marriage crisisis that we have stopped doing
(18:08):
the things that built attraction.
We stopped caring about how welooked and doing the things that
led us to be physicallyattractive.
We've stopped trying to growourselves intellectually and
become a fascinating person totalk to.
We've stopped being able tohave conversations with our
spouses about things other thanthe kids and bills, and that's
(18:28):
not very attractive.
Or we've started doing thethings that actually push our
spouse away and we've stoppeddoing the things that evoke the
positive emotions within them.
Or maybe it's because we havebegun to live differently than
what our original beliefs andvalues were, or maybe our spouse
is live differently than whatour original beliefs and values
were, or maybe our spouse isliving differently than what
their original beliefs andvalues were.
(18:51):
It would be pretty off-puttingfor me now if, all of a sudden,
rob were to become incrediblystringent with his money very
strict, not as generous as heused to be, or if he were to
abandon his faith.
That doesn't mean I would fallout of love with him, but it
would be unsettling.
I wouldn't be as attracted tohim because he's not the person
(19:12):
that I fell in love with.
And, of course, the same isvice versa.
The vice versa is the same.
He would feel that way about meas well, like what in the
world's going on?
It doesn't mean we stop loving,but it does mean that there's
something changing in theattraction, and we have to be
real about that, we have to berealistic about that, and so
reciprocity is key when it comesto attraction.
(19:34):
This means that a person'sattractiveness is influenced by
how much they are attracted tothe other person.
Here's what that means.
I'm going to say it again.
Okay, a person's attractivenessis influenced by how much they
are attracted to the otherperson.
If I am attracted to my husband, I actually feel more
(19:59):
attractive myself.
The more I express attractionand admiration for my husband,
the more that I tell him thathe's handsome, that he's strong,
that I like the way he looks inthose jeans or that I like the
way he looks in that shirt, themore I will actually desire him
and the more that he will desireme.
(20:21):
It is this strong reciprocalrelationship, and so we
influence how attractive each ofus feel and how attracted each
of us are to each other, by howwe reciprocate the
attractiveness and attraction inour relationship.
It's a two-way street where alittle positive effort on either
(20:43):
side can ripple out and helpboth people feel more attracted
and attractive in therelationship.
So then, what do you do if yourspouse isn't reciprocating?
You might be listening to thisand saying all of that sounds
great, but I am doing all ofthose things and my spouse still
, at this point, wants nothingto do with me.
(21:05):
Or you may be thinking it's toofar gone, like we used to be
attracted to each other and Ican remember back to that time,
but now it feels like it's soirrevocably broken I don't know
how we're going to be able toput things back together.
This is where we get to thehardest part of this whole
discussion, and that's that youhave a choice to make, and you
(21:28):
get to choose if you're going tokeep doing the right things
that can rebuild love and saveyour relationship, or if you're
just going to give up.
Here's what I mean.
Someone has to be the catalyst.
At Marriage Helper, we say ittakes one spouse to save a
(21:48):
marriage, and people are alwaysshocked when I say that.
I've been on podcasts, I'vebeen on TV shows where people
say how can you believe thatonly one spouse can save a
marriage?
And I say it's easy, because ifany person begins to follow the
love path that we teach atMarriage Helper and they begin
to work on their pies, theybegin to become the most
attractive that they can bephysically, intellectually,
(22:10):
emotionally and spiritually.
That is the catalyst that, ifanything works, this will in
order to bring their spouse back.
It takes one spouse to save amarriage.
It takes two to eventuallyreconcile, but those are two
different things.
It just takes one person you tobegin doing these
(22:33):
attraction-enhancing behaviorsin order to pull your spouse
back, in order for your marriageto be better than it ever was
before, and that's the decisionthat you get to make.
Therefore, you have completecontrol.
You have the control overyourself.
(22:54):
You can't control your spouse,but you can control what you do.
You get to choose to continueto invest in the relationship
regardless of the return, whichis a powerful act of love in and
of itself, and you also get tomodel the behavior that you want
(23:14):
to see and listen.
It's going to take time andit's going to feel lonely.
At first.
It's gonna feel like you sayingyou wanna lose 10 pounds and
you start going to the gym oneweek and nothing changes.
That's exactly what's gonnahappen here.
You're gonna feel like you'reinvesting everything you have
and seeing no return.
(23:34):
But if you continue to do thisover time, if anything works,
this will.
When you give your spouse thebest chance to feel safe enough,
loved enough and valued enoughto eventually be able to respond
in kind, that's what begins tochange your marriage.
(23:54):
So here are three things thatyou can do right now.
How do you apply this Numberone?
All of it stems right now fromhow you feel about yourself,
your self-esteem.
So here's what I want you to doStop saying these negative
things about yourself, and Iwant you to take a personal
inventory of your strengths.
You don't need to change whoyou are, unless there's parts of
(24:16):
who you are that need to change.
If you're being selfish, ifyou're being, if there's anger
issues that you need to work on,if there's alcoholic issues
that you need to work on, then,yes, you need to take care of
any glaring issues, but overall,you need to remember what's
great about you, not in anarcissistic way, but in like a
what are my strengths, what arethe positive things?
(24:37):
How can I lean into positiveself-talk?
Maybe it's your sense of humor,maybe it's your kindness or
your compassion, your work ethic.
Whatever it is, take a momenttoday to remind yourself of what
you bring to the table andfocus on the good about you.
(24:57):
The second thing that I want youto do is engage in a specific
attraction enhancing behavior.
Begin working on your pies and,specifically, if physical is
the one that you're strugglingwith the most right now, then
start doing anattraction-seeking behavior.
That's in the realm of physical.
Start working out, start eatinghealthier, start getting some
(25:19):
more sleep.
Or maybe it's that you need toput a phone down when people are
talking to you and look them inthe eye.
Maybe it's that you need togive some more compliments to
the people in your life.
Maybe you need to give someonea hug.
Maybe you just need to hug yourspouse or just give them a kiss
before they walk out the door,or maybe simply just ask them
(25:40):
when they get home how was yourday with your undivided
attention.
When you do those things, thesesmall acts, consistently.
Over time they accumulate, theyhelp you feel more attractive
and if anything works to makeyour marriage better, these are
the things that will.
And then the third thing for youto do is make a conscious
(26:03):
effort to express admiration andattraction.
Don't just feel attracted toyour spouse.
Say it.
Tell them when they've donesomething that is attractive to
you, when they have given you anamazing hug and a kiss before
work.
Maybe you should say thank youand I know there's going to be
some people out there who hearthat and say why should I thank
(26:25):
my spouse for doing the thingsthat they should do as my spouse
?
I'm not saying you should havesex and then say thank you, like
that may be a little bit weird,but when your spouse does
something that you want them torepeat, then positive
reinforcement like this isbehavior modification 101.
Positive reinforcement is thething that leads that to
(26:46):
continue happening.
So tell your spouse whenthey're wearing something that
you think that they look reallyhot in.
Tell them after they've shareda difficult situation with you
and they've expressed theiremotions.
Thank them for trusting youwith that.
Express admiration andaffection towards your spouse.
Tell them when they laugh andyou or they say something funny
(27:08):
that you love, maybe you say,hey, thank you for making me
laugh, I love how funny you are.
Those are the things that canreally end up making a huge
difference in a relationship.
Over time, it starts the cyclethat will end up making both of
you feel more attractive and,ultimately, deepen your love.
Do you remember the first time that you met your
spouse, that undeniable feelingof attraction?
I know I do.
I remember my husband waswalking into my dorm room.
I was down there with all of myfriends and as soon as he came
in to take me on our first date,I thought man, this guy is hot.
(00:20):
I loved how tall he was.
I loved how strong he was.
I loved so many things abouthim and I just continued to
become more and more attractedto him the more I got to know
him.
One of the things that we knowat Marriage Helper is that there
are four aspects of attraction.
Physical attraction is one ofthem and for most of us,
(00:43):
physical attraction is the firstthing that we were attracted to
about our spouse or that maybewe still are attracted to about
our spouse.
But that's just the first thing.
As we get to know them, webegin to become intellectually
attracted to them.
We enjoy talking to them.
We enjoy being with them.
We become emotionally attractedto them.
(01:04):
We enjoy how they make us feel.
I remember with my husband wewould have amazing conversations
about travel or about thingsthat we had learned.
I enjoyed talking to himEmotionally.
Honestly, I felt like aprincess.
Sometimes he would send flowersto my dorm room and surprise me
, and I was the envy of all ofthe girls in my hall.
(01:27):
We would have longconversations on the phone every
single night.
I'd wake up to a text from himevery morning telling me that he
loved me and he hoped I had agreat day.
And then there was thespiritual attraction.
I was attracted to, the kind ofperson he was, his beliefs and
values, his love of Jesus, hisgenerosity towards others.
(01:49):
And those are the four areas ofattraction physical,
intellectual, emotional andspiritual.
And at Marriage Helper, we callthat the pies of attraction.
And today we're going to talkabout how you can become more
physically attractive withoutchanging who you are.
Because here's the thing we allchange.
(02:09):
When I first met my husband, Iwas 20 years old.
I am now older.
I'm 20 years old and he's olderthan the 23-year-old that I
first met.
We all change as we age andwhile physical attraction never
becomes less important, italways stays important.
There are things that you cando to become and stay physically
(02:31):
attractive to yourself and toyour spouse without having to
massively change who you are orwhat you look like.
I know that there's always a bitof trepidation entering into
topics like this, because peopletend to think you're just going
to tell me I need to loseweight or something like that,
that I'm not good enough how Iam.
(02:51):
But what I'm going to sharewith you today is a new research
study out of the InternationalJournal of Psychiatry or the
International Review ofPsychology, by Charles Hill, dr
Charles Hill and some of hiscolleagues.
That has been one of myfavorite research studies
recently, to just pour overmyself, and here's why Because
(03:12):
he talks about in this researcharticle, several different areas
of attraction.
All that can be encompassedinto the four that I've already
shared with you physical,intellectual, emotional and
spiritual, but some of thethings he says y'all just wait.
You're going to be so energizedand excited about what the
research is telling us about howwe can become more physically
(03:33):
attractive without changing whowe are.
But here's the first point thatI want you to be able to
understand.
Number one is that yourself-esteem fuels how you feel
about yourself, and here's whythis matters.
A part of this research articleand a part of what we know
about attraction is that thereare two ways that someone can
(03:59):
increase how attractive they are, or they can decrease how
attractive they are.
It's known asattractiveness-enhan enhancing
behaviors or self-deprecatingbehaviors, and this is fleshed
out a lot in the researcharticle.
But it all stems from one mainthing, which is this the way you
feel about yourself will leadto you either doing the things
(04:25):
that will lead you to be moreattractive or doing the things
that will make you unattractiveAttraction-enhancing behaviors,
self-deprecating behaviors butit all stems from self-esteem.
Now, in my PhD research thatI've been doing for my
dissertation, self-esteem wasone of the major components that
I studied throughout myliterature review.
(04:46):
I have read hundreds andhundreds of articles about
self-esteem and here is the realbottom line, super smart
definition of self-esteem it'show you feel about yourself.
That's truly, at the end of theday, what it is.
There's a lot of differentscales of self-esteem that
measure different aspects anddifferent parts of that, but
(05:07):
really it all boils down to howyou feel about yourself.
There's state self-esteem whichis kind of this is the part of
self-esteem that can change overtime.
It may be related to yourperformance or to your physical
self or different things likethat.
Those are the parts ofself-esteem that can change over
time.
But then there's traitself-esteem, which stays stable.
(05:29):
It's overall how you feel aboutyourself.
And the way you feel aboutyourself comes directly from one
thing what you say aboutyourself to yourself.
So many times we think, man,I'm only good enough if my
husband tells me so or if mywife responds to me in the way
(05:52):
that I want her to, or if otherpeople validate me.
But that's actually one of thelowest levels of self-esteem
when it's dependent on someoneelse, it's highly volatile.
We have to become the kind ofpeople who realize that we have
worth, that we have value, andthe way that we talk about
(06:12):
ourselves are going to fuel thatin us.
I actually just heard I waslistening to an audio book on
the way here and I heard theauthor say in the audio book
that 95% of our emotions aboutourself comes from how we speak
to ourselves, about ourselves asa performance psychology.
(06:35):
You don't call it a major whenyou're getting your PhD, but, as
I'm getting my PhD inpsychology with the emphasis on
performance psychology, my PhDin psychology with the emphasis
on performance psychology thisis one of the things I know to
be true of high performers,athletes, ceos, all of those
kinds of people Self-talk is oneof the top indicators of how
(06:56):
someone will perform.
Now we can hear that about aNavy SEAL or a Marine or Usain
Bolt and think, man, yeah, thatmakes sense for them, but it
makes just as much sense for youIf 95% of your emotions come
from the thoughts that you feelabout yourself.
So if 95% of your emotions comefrom your thoughts about
(07:17):
yourself, then the first thingyou need to do is change the way
you talk about yourself.
If you're looking in the mirrorand constantly saying, man, I'm
so ugly, I'm so fat, I'm sothis, I'm so, that you're going
to stay in theseself-deprecating behaviors,
because you already are speakingto yourself poorly, you're just
(07:38):
gonna keep doing the poorhabits that are keeping you
stuck where you are.
The number one thing that weneed to enter into this
conversation realizing is thatyour self-esteem will lead you
to do the right things or to dothe wrong things.
So let's make sure that you aredoing and saying the things to
yourself that will lead you todo the right things.
(08:01):
The first key takeaway,therefore, is this your own
self-esteem profoundly impactshow you feel about yourself,
which, in turn, fuels attractiveseeking and enhancing behaviors
, or a self-deprecating cycle.
The study that I read foundthat our perception of our own
(08:21):
attractiveness is heavily linkedwith self-esteem, which is your
overall sense of self-worth.
When you're feeling down aboutyourself, you might
unconsciously start engaging inbehaviors that aren't attractive
and that push your spouse away.
How many of you, when you'vejust felt crappy about yourself,
end up being irritated at yourspouse and then you end up
(08:44):
yelling at them for somethingthat they didn't do right?
Or they get home and you sayyou know what?
I don't, I just don't want todo that with you right now.
They're trying to take you outon a date night, but you feel so
bad about yourself that you'rejust like I just can't, I can't
do that right now.
You end up doing things thatpush your spouse away because
you don't feel good aboutyourself.
(09:04):
Maybe you're also less likelyto engage or initiate intimacy
when you don't feel good aboutyourself.
You shut your spouse down whenthey try to compliment you, or
maybe you get defensive reallyeasily.
Hey, I wish that we could spendsome more time together this
weekend.
Don't you know how busy I am?
Can't you see that those arethe things that erode intimacy
(09:27):
and lead to your spouse beingpushed away?
Overall, it leads you to beless attractive, even though
what I just said has nothing todo with your physical
attractiveness.
We're going to link those twothings here together in just a
minute, because here's the thingIf your spouse perceives you as
being closed off and distant,which is seen as less attractive
(09:47):
, then it reinforces theoriginal insecurity you have.
You already feel bad aboutyourself.
You're doing things that arenow pushing your spouse away,
which leads you to guess what?
Feel worse about yourself.
Have any of you ever felt thisway?
Maybe you feel this way now,and maybe it's not that you're
being closed off and distant.
Maybe it's that you are cravingvalidation from your spouse so
(10:13):
much that you are overly needythat you are relying on them to
be your source of happiness.
This was for sure me in thebeginning part of my marriage.
I 100% relied on my husband tobasically be my full source of
(10:34):
happiness, and I defined how Ifelt about myself from it.
If he would come home at theend of a long day and want some
time alone, I internalized that,as he doesn't want to spend
time with me, therefore hedoesn't love me, and I would
just follow him around theapartment.
I would beg him to spend timewith me, and guess what that did
(10:56):
?
It pushed him further away.
When we have low self-esteem,it leads us to do the behaviors
that can push our spouse away,which then leads our spouse to
seeing us as being lessattractive, which then further
lowers our self-esteem.
We've all been caught in thistrap, but there is a way to
break out of it.
(11:16):
So here's the second thing thatyou need to know Attraction
enhancing behaviors spark apositive feedback loop.
Those are super psychologicalwords to basically say when we
can begin to do the actions thatlead a person to be more
attracted to us.
It is what we say at MarriageHelper if anything works, this
(11:40):
will.
When you begin working on yourpies, and especially the
physical part of it, which we'regoing to get to here in just a
second these are the things thatcan begin to lead yourself back
.
So the article from Dr Hill andhis colleagues shows us that
physical attractiveness isn'tjust a place that you are in any
(12:00):
given moment.
It's dynamic.
You can change how physicallyattractive you come across as by
doing a couple of key thingsAttraction enhancing behaviors
You've heard me use that word,but here's what's so cool about
them.
Here's like.
Here's what I truly love aboutthis research.
Basically, what it's saying is,when you begin to do the habits
(12:24):
that other people see asattractive even if you don't
have any change in your weight,in your looks, in your body fat
percentage, in any of thosethings you will be seen as more
attractive.
You could continue to weigh theexact same that you weigh right
(12:45):
now, but if you are working outa couple of times a week, if
you're trying to eat healthy,all of a sudden you're seen as
more attractive, even if nothingchanges physically.
Just by the fact that you areengaging in these
attraction-enhancing behaviorsautomatically increases how
(13:06):
physically attractive you are.
I love this research so muchbecause it begins to take away
all of the body esteem and image, body image issues and all of
those things that we can get socaught up in that keep us stuck,
that keep us from actuallydoing the things that lead to
(13:26):
the best results, because we'relooking at the wrong outcome.
How many times have you feltlike you needed to lose weight?
And so you go to the gym acouple of times.
It's hard, you're sore, youhave to wake up early, you don't
want to do this, and guess what?
The scale's not moving anyway.
So you eventually just wake upearly.
You don't want to do this andguess what?
The scale's not moving anyway.
So you eventually just give up.
(13:49):
But what if your focus point,what if your actual goal, was
less about trying to lose 10, 20pounds and more about I'm going
to become the kind of personwho works out.
I'm going to become the kind ofperson who chooses healthy
foods to nourish my body with.
(14:10):
I'm going to become the kind ofperson who gets eight hours of
sleep a night, because those areattraction-enhancing behaviors.
It's the behavior, it's thehabit that leads to the increase
in attractiveness, notnecessarily the outcome.
Now, yes, of course there is a.
(14:33):
People are more attracted topeople who seem to be muscular
and slim and all of that.
I'm not saying that there's notan outcome that is seen as
attractive.
Like no one's looking at ChrisHemsworth and saying he's not
attractive right, he's also myhusband's crush, like full man
crush is Chris Hemsworth and myhusband.
(14:54):
But all of that to say, guesswhat?
When my husband, even though hedoesn't necessarily look like
Chris Hemsworth, truthfully Ithink my husband is more
attractive than Chris Hemsworthand I've told him that and he
always thinks I'm lying.
But when my husband startsworking out or when he gets home
from going on a run or if he'sjust lifted some weights.
(15:14):
I find that incrediblyattractive, much more attractive
than if I were to come home andhe's just been sitting around
playing video games all day.
I'm sure you all can see thisin your own life, and it doesn't
even just have to be thephysical attractiveness that is
a part of this.
Those physical attractionbehaviors are things that you
can do again without changingwho you are.
(15:37):
You can become more physicallyattractive without changing any
part of who you are.
But there's other things that,as you begin to do them, make
you more attractive as well.
One is putting your phone downwhen your spouse is talking to
you and looking them in the eye.
That is an attraction enhancingbehavior, because it's
(15:57):
increasing the emotionalattraction between the two of
you.
Another attraction enhancingbehavior is learning something
about what your spouse isinterested in and talking with
them about it when you're eatingdinner together each night.
Those are things that increaseattraction.
It's not about buying a newoutfit or getting a new haircut.
(16:17):
It's about the actions thatdemonstrate kindness, confidence
, intimacy and intellectualengagement.
The things like working out andeating healthy show
self-discipline, they showvitality, they show self-respect
and, ultimately, that's whythose attraction-seeking and
enhancing behaviors areincredibly attractive.
(16:39):
So put your phone down whenyour spouse is trying to talk to
you and listen.
Make sure that they feel heard,make sure that they feel
appreciated.
This act of showing you care ishighly attractive, and it also
leads your spouse to be able torespond with affection and
appreciation, which boosts yourself-esteem.
(17:00):
So now you're doing things thatare already good for you to be
doing.
That increases your ownself-esteem.
And then you're seeing positivethat are already good for you
to be doing.
That increases your ownself-esteem.
And then you're seeing positivefeedback coming from your
spouse, which further increasesyour self-esteem.
But I think it's important thatthere's something that we well.
Actually, there's a third pointhere, and I know some of you are
thinking what do I do, though,if I'm doing all the right
(17:22):
things but my spouse isn'treciprocating?
And I'm going to get to that injust a minute.
But the third point is thatattraction is a two-way street,
and reciprocity is a huge partof it.
So what does that mean?
Attraction isn't just somethingyou have, it's something that
you co-create.
If, back when I first saw myhusband and he took me on that
(17:44):
date, if I was only attracted tohim, then ultimately we would
have never ended up having arelationship, because attraction
can't always only be one way.
Eventually it has to bereciprocated in order for a
relationship to happen andultimately, what ends up
happening when we get into astate of our marriage struggling
or being in a marriage crisisis that we have stopped doing
(18:08):
the things that built attraction.
We stopped caring about how welooked and doing the things that
led us to be physicallyattractive.
We've stopped trying to growourselves intellectually and
become a fascinating person totalk to.
We've stopped being able tohave conversations with our
spouses about things other thanthe kids and bills, and that's
(18:28):
not very attractive.
Or we've started doing thethings that actually push our
spouse away and we've stoppeddoing the things that evoke the
positive emotions within them.
Or maybe it's because we havebegun to live differently than
what our original beliefs andvalues were, or maybe our spouse
is live differently than whatour original beliefs and values
were, or maybe our spouse isliving differently than what
their original beliefs andvalues were.
(18:51):
It would be pretty off-puttingfor me now if, all of a sudden,
rob were to become incrediblystringent with his money very
strict, not as generous as heused to be, or if he were to
abandon his faith.
That doesn't mean I would fallout of love with him, but it
would be unsettling.
I wouldn't be as attracted tohim because he's not the person
(19:12):
that I fell in love with.
And, of course, the same isvice versa.
The vice versa is the same.
He would feel that way about meas well, like what in the
world's going on?
It doesn't mean we stop loving,but it does mean that there's
something changing in theattraction, and we have to be
real about that, we have to berealistic about that, and so
reciprocity is key when it comesto attraction.
(19:34):
This means that a person'sattractiveness is influenced by
how much they are attracted tothe other person.
Here's what that means.
I'm going to say it again.
Okay, a person's attractivenessis influenced by how much they
are attracted to the otherperson.
If I am attracted to my husband, I actually feel more
(19:59):
attractive myself.
The more I express attractionand admiration for my husband,
the more that I tell him thathe's handsome, that he's strong,
that I like the way he looks inthose jeans or that I like the
way he looks in that shirt, themore I will actually desire him
and the more that he will desireme.
(20:21):
It is this strong reciprocalrelationship, and so we
influence how attractive each ofus feel and how attracted each
of us are to each other, by howwe reciprocate the
attractiveness and attraction inour relationship.
It's a two-way street where alittle positive effort on either
(20:43):
side can ripple out and helpboth people feel more attracted
and attractive in therelationship.
So then, what do you do if yourspouse isn't reciprocating?
You might be listening to thisand saying all of that sounds
great, but I am doing all ofthose things and my spouse still
, at this point, wants nothingto do with me.
(21:05):
Or you may be thinking it's toofar gone, like we used to be
attracted to each other and Ican remember back to that time,
but now it feels like it's soirrevocably broken I don't know
how we're going to be able toput things back together.
This is where we get to thehardest part of this whole
discussion, and that's that youhave a choice to make, and you
(21:28):
get to choose if you're going tokeep doing the right things
that can rebuild love and saveyour relationship, or if you're
just going to give up.
Here's what I mean.
Someone has to be the catalyst.
At Marriage Helper, we say ittakes one spouse to save a
(21:48):
marriage, and people are alwaysshocked when I say that.
I've been on podcasts, I'vebeen on TV shows where people
say how can you believe thatonly one spouse can save a
marriage?
And I say it's easy, because ifany person begins to follow the
love path that we teach atMarriage Helper and they begin
to work on their pies, theybegin to become the most
attractive that they can bephysically, intellectually,
(22:10):
emotionally and spiritually.
That is the catalyst that, ifanything works, this will in
order to bring their spouse back.
It takes one spouse to save amarriage.
It takes two to eventuallyreconcile, but those are two
different things.
It just takes one person you tobegin doing these
(22:33):
attraction-enhancing behaviorsin order to pull your spouse
back, in order for your marriageto be better than it ever was
before, and that's the decisionthat you get to make.
Therefore, you have completecontrol.
You have the control overyourself.
(22:54):
You can't control your spouse,but you can control what you do.
You get to choose to continueto invest in the relationship
regardless of the return, whichis a powerful act of love in and
of itself, and you also get tomodel the behavior that you want
(23:14):
to see and listen.
It's going to take time andit's going to feel lonely.
At first.
It's gonna feel like you sayingyou wanna lose 10 pounds and
you start going to the gym oneweek and nothing changes.
That's exactly what's gonnahappen here.
You're gonna feel like you'reinvesting everything you have
and seeing no return.
(23:34):
But if you continue to do thisover time, if anything works,
this will.
When you give your spouse thebest chance to feel safe enough,
loved enough and valued enoughto eventually be able to respond
in kind, that's what begins tochange your marriage.
(23:54):
So here are three things thatyou can do right now.
How do you apply this Numberone?
All of it stems right now fromhow you feel about yourself,
your self-esteem.
So here's what I want you to doStop saying these negative
things about yourself, and Iwant you to take a personal
inventory of your strengths.
You don't need to change whoyou are, unless there's parts of
(24:16):
who you are that need to change.
If you're being selfish, ifyou're being, if there's anger
issues that you need to work on,if there's alcoholic issues
that you need to work on, then,yes, you need to take care of
any glaring issues, but overall,you need to remember what's
great about you, not in anarcissistic way, but in like a
what are my strengths, what arethe positive things?
(24:37):
How can I lean into positiveself-talk?
Maybe it's your sense of humor,maybe it's your kindness or
your compassion, your work ethic.
Whatever it is, take a momenttoday to remind yourself of what
you bring to the table andfocus on the good about you.
(24:57):
The second thing that I want youto do is engage in a specific
attraction enhancing behavior.
Begin working on your pies and,specifically, if physical is
the one that you're strugglingwith the most right now, then
start doing anattraction-seeking behavior.
That's in the realm of physical.
Start working out, start eatinghealthier, start getting some
(25:19):
more sleep.
Or maybe it's that you need toput a phone down when people are
talking to you and look them inthe eye.
Maybe it's that you need togive some more compliments to
the people in your life.
Maybe you need to give someonea hug.
Maybe you just need to hug yourspouse or just give them a kiss
before they walk out the door,or maybe simply just ask them
(25:40):
when they get home how was yourday with your undivided
attention.
When you do those things, thesesmall acts, consistently.
Over time they accumulate, theyhelp you feel more attractive
and if anything works to makeyour marriage better, these are
the things that will.
And then the third thing for youto do is make a conscious
(26:03):
effort to express admiration andattraction.
Don't just feel attracted toyour spouse.
Say it.
Tell them when they've donesomething that is attractive to
you, when they have given you anamazing hug and a kiss before
work.
Maybe you should say thank youand I know there's going to be
some people out there who hearthat and say why should I thank
(26:25):
my spouse for doing the thingsthat they should do as my spouse
?
I'm not saying you should havesex and then say thank you, like
that may be a little bit weird,but when your spouse does
something that you want them torepeat, then positive
reinforcement like this isbehavior modification 101.
Positive reinforcement is thething that leads that to
(26:46):
continue happening.
So tell your spouse whenthey're wearing something that
you think that they look reallyhot in.
Tell them after they've shareda difficult situation with you
and they've expressed theiremotions.
Thank them for trusting youwith that.
Express admiration andaffection towards your spouse.
Tell them when they laugh andyou or they say something funny
(27:08):
that you love, maybe you say,hey, thank you for making me
laugh, I love how funny you are.
Those are the things that canreally end up making a huge
difference in a relationship.
Over time, it starts the cyclethat will end up making both of
you feel more attractive and,ultimately, deepen your love.
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