How To Ask Your Spouse To Work On The Marriage With You

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You want to save your marriage, but your spouse doesn’t seem interested. What now?

In this powerful episode, Kimberly Beam Holmes and Dr. Joe Beam walk you step-by-step through how to approach your spouse about working on the marriage—even if they’ve checked out, are asking for a divorce, or are involved with someone else.

You’ll learn how to:

• Overcome the fear of asking your spouse for help
• Avoid common mistakes that push your spouse further away
• Use a proven, non-manipulative framework to invite your spouse to a Marriage Helper workshop
• Understand and validate your spouse’s objections—while staying calm, confident, and respectful
• Identify your spouse’s true motivations (even ones you don’t agree with) and speak to what matters most to them

Plus, discover how to navigate tricky objections like:

• “I don’t believe in counseling”
• “This won’t fix anything”
• “It’s too expensive”
• “I just want the divorce”

Whether your spouse is emotionally distant, hostile, or seemingly indifferent, this video gives you the tools and confidence to take the next right step without manipulation or pressure.

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

📞 BOOK A CALL WITH OUR TEAM: https://marriagehelper.com/call

🔗 Website: https://marriagehelper.com
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Follow our other channels!
📺 https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes
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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Glad to have you on today as we talk about how you
can approach your spouse andtalk to them about getting
marriage help with you and,specifically, hopefully, asking
your spouse to go to one ofMarriage Helper's workshops.
I am really excited to be withyou today.
My name is Kimberly Holmes.
If we haven't met before.
I'm part of our team here atMarriage Helper and I'm joined

(00:21):
today by the legendary, thegreat, the infamous and famous
Dr Joe Beam.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
Which do you think I am more infamous or famous?
Which one do you think?

Speaker 1 (00:35):
Which one do you want to be more of?
I think that's the question.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
I don't know, Maybe when I was younger I might've
been famous, but a lot of thingshave changed since then.

Speaker 1 (00:44):
When I was younger, I might have been famous, but a
lot of things have changed sincethen.
Well, we are excited today towalk all of you who are joining
us, through how you can get outof this place of limbo that you
might feel stuck in of.
I want to save my marriage.
My spouse doesn't.
I'm scared to ask them, or Idon't know how to ask them.
I'm scared that if I do askthem, they'll say no, what can I

(01:07):
do to move forward?
And that's what we're going tobe working with you all today on
how you can do that.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah Well, I see that you're outgrowing your Southern
roots.
You said you all, rather thany'all.

Speaker 1 (01:20):
Oh, I would never outgrow my Southern roots.
Don't say such a thing.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
Okay, do you want to put up the first page of the PDF
?
Can you do that, or should I golook for it?

Speaker 1 (01:31):
Nope, I have got it.
As I'm getting this ready toput up, I would love for people
to share with us where they'rejoining from and how long
they've been a part of theMarriage Helper community.
How long you've known aboutMarriage Helper we can see you
all in the chat, so would loveto love to hear more of you.
So we have Kevin from Nashvilleright here in our backyard who

(01:55):
has been a part of or have knownabout Marriage Helper for about
three months.
We have people on from Berlinor from Sydney, connecticut,
orlando, more Australia,virginia, utah, north Carolina,
ohio, denmark, oklahoma, sanDiego and a lot of people all

(02:16):
over the board People who saidthey've been here for or have
known about marriage helper fora month, for a couple of weeks,
for a couple of months, allacross the board.

Speaker 2 (02:26):
And so Austria.
I see Thomas Zillinger is fromthere, and I can't quite figure
out how to pronounce those wordsup on one of his statements.
Would that be even in theballpark, Thomas, or did I miss
it so far that nobody couldunderstand it?

Speaker 1 (02:45):
I wouldn't know.
We'll have to wait and see whathe says.

Speaker 2 (02:49):
See what he says about him.
Okay, and so if we start thishere, is there any way to center
that?
Just so it's only showing thedocument itself.
Okay, what I want to walk youthrough in this document is very
free.
We can send it to you.
As a matter of fact, kimberly,is there a way to put a link to
it in this recording so peoplecan get it on their own, or do

(03:09):
we have to send it by email orhow?
What would be the best way todo this?

Speaker 1 (03:13):
I'm going to try.
Hold on, let me reshare it onemore time, okay, and then I'm
going to be manning the chat, soif people are having questions
about it, I'll get it figuredout.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
Okay, all right.
So let me go through this,because we wrote this some time
back and let me just tell you tobegin with that if you're not
willing to actually write youranswers in this document and
we're glad to give you a freecopy of this document If you're
not really willing to write youranswers in this document, then
you won't have the value thatyou could have otherwise.
You see, all of us think oneway, but when we write, we can

(03:52):
actually think much morelogically, because writing uses
more of our mind and it'll makeus come up with things that we
wouldn't have thought ofotherwise.
Because if I'm just thinking inmy mind okay, this is the way
I'm going to do that, doom, doom, doom it's not really making me
think necessarily of otherthings I need to consider in the
process.
But if I'm writing it down,often we'll see something and

(04:13):
say, oh yeah, I need to dealwith that too, and so I'm going
to beg you that, once you getthis document, that you actually
write within it.
Now, for those of you who donot have a printer, if you'll
let us know, if you'll email usback at info at
marriagehelpercom and say wait aminute.
I want that, but I don't have aprinter.

(04:36):
I tell you what we can do.
This afternoon we will make afillable version of this, which
means that we can send it to youand you can actually type your
answers into it right there onyour computer.
And so, for those of you whocan't print it out, we'll make
another version of it where youcan actually type your answers
in.
But the point is, I'm beggingyou right off the bat please
don't just read it and think ofyour answers.
Please either write or typeyour answers.

(05:00):
Now notice here it saysessentials to remember at the
very beginning, when it saysessentials to remember three
things to do.
Now, kimberly, I can't handlethis, so you have to come down
with it.
Okay, so the three things?
Whoops, there you go, threethings to do.
Number one is be sure and whenI say sure, I mean sure Be sure
that you want to come to theworkshop, because if you're
half-hearted about it and youwant to ask your spouse to come

(05:22):
to it, you're not going to do avery good job.
As a matter of fact, it's goingto come across as half-hearted
and he or she is going tounderstand that you're really
not all interested in yourselfand therefore it's very easy to
say no.
And so before you ever ask yourspouse, you need to think it
through Now.
If you have more questionsabout the workshop, if you
understand more about what itdoes, we have many videos on our

(05:44):
YouTube channel.
It's youtubecom slashmarriagehelper all one long word
.
Or you can go tomarriagehelpercom slash call and
set up an appointment with oneof our workshop specialists who
can help you understand whathappens in the workshop and if
it can be of advantage to you ornot.

(06:04):
But make sure that you're soldon it first before you ask.
That's the first thing.
Now the second thing in asking,you must and this is essential,
you must remain calm andrational, no matter what
reaction you get from yourspouse.
If they act angry, you're stillcalm and rational.
If they ask perturbed, you'recalm and rational.
If they get excited, you'recalm and rational.

(06:24):
If they act angry, you're stillcalm and rational.
If they ask perturbed, you'recalm and rational.
If they get excited, you'recalm and rational.
If they get emotional, you'recalm and rational.
No matter what they do, youmust be calm and rational,
because if you're going to be incontrol of yourself and
therefore to some degree incontrol of the situation.
You have to have that calmness.
Calmness indicates strength, itindicates confidence, it

(06:47):
indicates assurance, and if youcan't be calm and rational when
you do it, you're probably notready to do it yet.
And then the third is this tryto understand your spouse's
emotions and try to validatewhat they feel.
So, for example, if your spousewere to say to you that's like
counseling I've tried counselingbefore, I don't want to go to
counseling again your responsewould be something like this

(07:10):
First you validate it.
Yeah, I know you tried that andI know it was not good, that
you didn't like it at all, and Icertainly understand that.
In other words, right here, youwant to be on their side of the
table.
What I mean is not that you'reacross the table trying to
convince them of something, butsitting beside them on their
side of the table, at leastmetaphorically, where that

(07:31):
you're on their side and theyunderstand that.
And so you validate theirfeelings.
If they say I don't know if Ican sit still for three days to
go to one of these workshops,you're going to validate it.
Like I understand, you do a lotto get up and walk around and
it kind of bothers you to be inone place that long.
I get it, and so I'm notarguing against that.

(07:51):
Here's the good news you don'thave to sit still for three days
.
You actually can get up andwalk around.
Plus, they change topics prettyfast, and so it's interesting.
But I am definitelyunderstanding what you feel
about this.
Or if they say good grief, Ican handle my own problems, I
don't need somebody else to helpme Still validates their
emotions.
You know what.
You're very good at solvingproblems and you're very good at

(08:13):
taking care of things, and Iagree with you on that.
But you know we're facingsomething that we never faced
before, and having some outsidehelp could be of advantage.
So, whatever their emotions are, don't disagree with them,
don't put them down, don't tellthem that they're wrong.
Listen to them, affirm theiremotions, validate them and then

(08:34):
move on from there.
Now, when you prepare yourrequest and come on down
Kimberly, if you will, hereplease when you prepare your
request now, what this documentdoes?
It's going to give you fivesteps to prepare your request,
and it's important that youwrite down your answers.
I've already talked about that.
I'm going to say it again rightnow, because writing your

(08:55):
answers.
It will lead you to think moreclearly and it will dramatically
increase the likelihood ofreceiving a positive response
from your spouse.
All right, so let's go to thenext page, kimberly Now.
The next page is full ofquestions, and these five steps
this is the first one that arequestions for you.
You say, well, if they're forme, then I don't need to write

(09:17):
down my answers.
Yes, you do.
It's going to help you get agood insight into yourself, and
that's going to be important ifyou really want to ask your
spouse to come.
Okay, so, right here in thatfirst section, right here, why
you want to attend a workshop.
Now, when you write your noteshere, be specific and give every
reason that is important to you.

(09:38):
And you might be saying why doI need to do that?
I'm not going to be telling myspouse all those things.
No, no, you're not going to betelling your spouse all those
things.
As a matter of fact, it mightbe unwise for you to tell your
spouse all those things, butthis is to help.
You know, I'm really committedto wanting to do this and I'm
really committed to asking myspouse about it, and it really

(09:59):
is important to me so that ifyou get the shakes, if you get a
little bit afraid, got a littletrepidation, a little anxiety,
and think, well, maybe I'm notgoing to do this right now, you
come back and you look at thesection here where you've
written things down and this istelling you why you're doing it.
Because each one of us at sometimes, what we overcome with
anxiety or trepidation, that'sjust part of life.

(10:21):
But to keep yourself frombacking out, to keep yourself
motivated, to keep yourselffocused on what you need, you
come back and you read youranswers you wrote right here and
that will fire you up all overagain like this is worth it.
I know why I'm asking, and thisis enough motivation to keep me
to do it.
Now.
Look at the second questionthere.

(10:42):
What doubts or fears, if any,do you have about attending the
workshop?
Be specific.
It's better to think thosethrough now than to find
yourself vacillating later.
So, kimberly, can you scrolldown a little further for me
please on that document?
Okay, now, back up just a hair.
Oh, right there, thank you.
And so you're writing thatthere Now, if you find yourself

(11:05):
having any fear of consequence Imean the fear you have is
consequential, let me say itthat way.
Then you go back and you call aperson that you've been working
with at Marriage Helper yourworkshop advisor and you talk to
him or her and you say, hey, Icame up with this fear and I
don't know how to deal with this, and talk to them about it so

(11:25):
that they can work you throughit, help you understand what the
fear is, help you understand ifthe fear is valid or not, and
maybe just be able to help youallay the fear by explaining
more things to you about theworkshop.
And you go oh, oh, now that Isee that I'm not worried about
that anymore.
And again, you need to dealwith these before you ask your

(11:45):
spouse.
If you have any fear, anyhesitation about the workshop,
write them down right here.
And if you can't work them outon your own head, please call
back the workshop advisor thatyou've been working with,
whoever he or she may be, andtalk to them.
Now, if you haven't had aworkshop advisor yet, what you
do is you go to Marriage Helperthat's marriagehelpercom and

(12:08):
then you type in the word calland you can set up an
appointment with one of ouradvisors about the workshop.
But if you're already workingwith an advisor.
Stick with him or her, becausethey've already heard many
things about your story, theyknow things about you and you
will spend much wiser timedealing with a person that's
already been helping you than tostart afresh.

(12:29):
But if you have nobody, then dothis marriagehelpercom slash
call.
Now the next is what is yourlevel of belief that the
workshop will be of value to youand, hopefully, to your
marriage?
Now assess it realistically.
If you think, well, okay, I'veheard that this workshop has
like a 70% success record inhelping people stay together.

(12:51):
So I guess that's my level ofbelief, that I have 70% of
belief that this thing can work,okay.
Or you might say, hmm, I haveread because I've read
testimonies from people who'vebeen to the workshop that even
those marriages that don't makeit, the people who've been to
the workshop, that even thosemarriages that don't make it,
the people that have been to theworkshop rave about how much it
helped them and how much it hasmade their life better, helped

(13:14):
them to.
Sometimes they say it this wayyou've helped me stay sane, and
sometimes they've said it thisway even though my spouse
decided that he or she is goingto leave the marriage.
Because we cannot guarantee youthat the workshop will save the
marriage.
We know that it does in a hugepercentage of the time, but we
can't guarantee you that it willsave the marriage.

(13:35):
And some people then say, well,okay, my spouse decided to
leave, but because of thisworkshop, my life is better, I'm
better, I'm balanced and sane,and if I want another
relationship, I know how to lookfor it and how to develop it
and how to be with somebody thatI will be very compatible with,
so that we can have a greatmarriage together.

(13:55):
And so your belief system theremight be 100%.
I believe that going to thisworkshop is going to help me, no
matter what.
Now, if it's 20%, you're notready to ask your spouse about
coming to it.
The closer to 100% you are, themore you are in the position to
be ready to ask your spouse,because you know in your heart,

(14:17):
you know, that while it has areally good chance of helping
you save your marriage and wepray that it does save your
marriage but if God forbid itdoesn't that you're going to
benefit from it so much in yourown life, it's going to be worth
it to you.
And then the last part downhere, based on your answers
above.

(14:38):
How strong is your resolve torequest your spouse attend a
workshop with you?
Now?
It's important that you writeyour answer here because, again,
if you get a little anxiety, alittle fear, a little
trepidation, you're going tocome back and read this whole
page and particularly what youwrite right here, because it's
going to help you know.

(14:58):
Yes, yes, this is worthwhile,this is worth doing Now.
If you do this, then yourlikelihood of getting your
spouse to say yes increasesdramatically.
We've been doing this 30 years.
I can guarantee you that if youdo this, it increases the
likelihood that your spouse willagree and come dramatically,

(15:18):
because much of what's going tohappen here is what's inside of
you, what you're thinking, whatyou're feeling and where you are
All right.
Now, as we move into the nextpage, we started in the phase
two.
Here we're going to talk abouthow you deal with your spouse.
Now, understand, we never, ever, encourage you to manipulate

(15:39):
your spouse.
Don't do that.
Be straight up, be clear Don'tmanipulate.
People hate being manipulated.
I know there's some websitesout there that encourage people
to do manipulative things to gettheir spouse to come back, and
whenever I see one of those, Ialways think well, if you've got
to manipulate them to come back, how are you going to keep them
back?
Continue to manipulate them?

(16:00):
No, that's not good, that's notgood at all.
And so what we're saying hereis this don't manipulate, don't
lie.
Whatever you do, don't fudge,don't make things sound better
than they are.
You're going to deal withreality and you're going to deal
with your spouse as an equal,where you're being absolutely
truthful in everything you do orsay Now, once you understand

(16:22):
that, now here's the second step.
You need to think about what arethe motivations that your
spouse has.
And you say motivations,motivations that might motivate
them to want to attend theworkshop.
And so look what it says hereIn the left-hand column.
Write things that you believewould motivate your spouse to

(16:43):
attend, things that you believewould motivate your spouse to
attend.
Now, that might be things likewell, my spouse wants closure,
okay.
Or my spouse wants to havebetter co-parenting Well, we can
guarantee you that therelationship principles that we
teach in this workshop will helpyou co-parent better, even if
your marriage splits up.
Or maybe you'll offer themsomething in a divorce that they

(17:04):
want Now.
Don't do that unless you'rereally willing to give it up
Like well, he wants thatpainting and I want that
painting.
We're disagreeing over it.
Well, you might say, hmm, ifyou come to the workshop it's
three days and participate allthree days, if we wind up
divorcing, you can have thepainting.

(17:25):
Now again, don't do that unlessyou're willing to give up that
painting.
Don't do that If later you dowind up divorced and you wind up
feeling that you've been takenadvantage of because you've
given away that painting.
So don't do it with somethingyou're not willing to part with.
It might be a painting, itmight be an amount of money, it

(17:45):
might be a painting, it might bean amount of money, it might be
the pet, it could be any numberof things that they want that
you don't want to give up, butthat you'd be willing to give up
if they will come to theworkshop.
Now my recommendation would bethis If you do that, you don't
give it up immediately.
You say, if you come to theworkshop with me and participate

(18:06):
, you've got to participate.
This is only if you participatewhile you're there.
Then if two weeks after theworkshop you still wanted a
divorce, then I will give youthat thing, something like that,
not the next day, but a weekaway, two weeks away, three
weeks away, whatever you thinkwill work best there, Because
sometimes people don't walk outof the workshop ready to handle
everything.

(18:27):
Sometimes they walk out of theworkshop and they need a little
time to process.
Now, by the way, if you haveany questions that you want to
make sure we answer in this, ifyou go over there where it says
Q&A and click Q&A, you can starttyping in questions or comments
or rebuttals like wait a minute, dr Beam, I really didn't

(18:50):
understand that.
Or wait a minute, dr Beam, Idon't think that'll work, or
whatever it might be.
Now Kimberly will actually bedealing with any questions and
comments you type in over therein the Q&A.
Okay, kimberly, are you alreadydoing that in the chat?

Speaker 1 (19:07):
Yes, people are actively asking questions right
now, some of them which we'llget to later.

Speaker 2 (19:14):
Okay, so they don't need to go to the Q&A.
You're doing it all in the chat, is that right?

Speaker 1 (19:18):
Yeah, I can do both though.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
Okay, you can do it in the chat or in the q a.
Okay, all right.
Um now, yeah, you're right.
I looked at this by thomassummers.
You're right, we don't have itright now where that you can
type in the pdf.
I have to make another versionthat you can type in, hopefully
when you you print it out we dohave it, shared it.

(19:43):
Okay, I'm saying it's notworking.

Speaker 1 (19:45):
then yeah, I see that .
I'll work on the scenes behindit If someone could share with
us if it is working, so that weknow that it might be working
for some, because some peoplehave said it is.

Speaker 2 (20:02):
So it's working for some and not for others, is that
correct?

Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, several people saying it's working for them, so
we'll figure it out.

Speaker 2 (20:15):
He's in Austria, if I saw that earlier correct.
We'll get it figured out foryou, all right.
So what you're going to do herein this thing and if you can
print it out and do it by hand,that's even better Writing by
hand uses more of your brainthan typing.
It really does, believe it ornot.
What you're going to do isyou're going to write over here
in the left-hand side, apotential motivation that will

(20:38):
motivate them to want to come tothe workshop with you.
And so over there in thatleft-hand column, you might
write better parenting.
You might write they get thedog.
You might write whatever itmight be that they would be
motivated.
Now, in the right-hand columnand this is extremely important
what you're going to write downis how they benefit.

(20:58):
So you're going to writeeverything you can think of as
to why the item in the left-handcolumn is important to your
spouse.
Okay, better parenting isimportant to my spouse because
he or she loves the children.
It's going to be important tomy spouse that he or she get the
painting because, well, sheowned the painting before we got
married.
She's loved it since she was achild.
Or she really, or he reallywants to have closure right now

(21:22):
so he or she can move on withhis or her life.
Whatever you're going to dowhen you write the motivation on
the left, on the right-handside, you're going to write
everything you can think of asto why that item in the left
column is important to yourspouse.
And remember motivation isalways based on how they benefit
, not how you benefit.
People do things for theirreasons, not your reasons.

(21:46):
Now, although, as I say that itcould be that the motivations
with some spouse is, my spouseknows he or she has hurt me and
would like to make amends tosome degree, and so you might
put over here in the left-handcolumn my spouse wants to make
things better with me, eventhough he or she is moving off,
not going to be with me anymore.

(22:06):
My spouse wants to do somethingto help me before he or she
leaves.
Something like that, if that'strue, you're going to put in the
left-hand column.
In the right-hand column you'regoing to type how they're going
would benefit you, and so someof you will actually be able to
say to your spouse I'm the onewho needs closure.
I'd like to know what happenedso that if I'm ever in another

(22:30):
relationship.
I can make sure that it doesn'thappen again.
And if you'll go to thisthree-day thing with me, we're
going to learn a lot aboutrelationships, a lot about
marriage, and I need to knowthat to move on with my life.
Will you do that for me?
And if that person is motivatedto want to do something nice
for you, then that becomes animportant person or important

(22:52):
reason over there.
Okay, unless you have morequestions about that right now,
I'm going to move on to thethird step.

Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah, there's a couple that have come up.
Okay, so I'm going to startwith Shannon's question.
Okay, how do you convince yourspouse that this will help with
closure?
Because, it's easy to see, themain point is reconciliation.
So if they're againstreconciliation, then how can you
help them understand that thisworkshop is good for closure?

Speaker 2 (23:24):
Okay, it's good for closure in a couple of ways.
First of all, you can reassurethem that while we explain how
to reconcile, if you choose todo so, that we don't try to
twist anybody's arm.
We don't try to manipulate ever.
We don't try to force anybody,make anybody feel guilty or
anything else.
From the minute the workshopbegins, we start making

(23:45):
statements.
We respect your right to makeyour decisions about your
marriage.
We won't try to manipulate youto stay married.
We won't try to force you tostay married.
Whatever you choose to do isyour decision.
And then another thing we'llsay is because some people have
looked up Dr Beam and seen thathe's written religious books,

(24:07):
you might be afraid that we'regoing to preach at you, and
we'll tell you right now, justlike we respect your right to
make your decision about yourmarriage, we respect your right
to make your decision about whatyou believe or what you don't
believe.
It's your choice and we're notgoing to try to control that or
manipulate that at all.
So how do you get closure?
Getting closure isunderstanding how did the things

(24:27):
occur that drove us apart.
Getting closure isunderstanding how did the things
occur that drove us apart.
Getting closure is in anotherrelationship, if we choose to
have it, or in this relationship, if we choose to continue it.
Here's how we would keep thosethings from happening or repair
those things when they do so.
The closure comes that when youget to the end of the workshop,

(24:48):
each of you has a good ideaabout what happened.
How did we get to where we areand how, in a new relationship
with each other or anybody else,how can we keep those things
from happening again?
And, if they do, how can werepair those before they become
major?
And that's how we get closure.

(25:08):
And so, yes, they are all abouthelping couples reconcile, but
they know that many people willdecide not to do so.
The closure comes in theeducation of learning what, how,
when, where, why, all thosekinds of things.
And then, because we can say toeach other well, now we have
committed together three days tolearn these things

(26:08):
no-transcript, but you canactually that can actually be a
valid motivation in the sense ofwe're going to learn a lot
about relationships how theystart, how they grow, how that
sometimes they get sabotaged,how they can stay strong, how
they can last a lifetime.

(26:29):
And if it's important to you tolearn that about relationships,
even if you think it's notgoing to be with me, then this
workshop is going to help uslearn that.
So you don't mention the LO, butthey may.
They say, okay, will it help myrelationship with my lover?
The honest answer is if youdecide not to stay with me,

(26:51):
that's very possible becauseyou're going to be learning
relationship principles that areapplicable across the board.
I would hope that you're notgoing just to learn how to be
more in love with that person,but if that's the only reason
you'll go, if you willparticipate, I'd love to have
you go with me, because I wantto learn those things.

Speaker 1 (27:13):
I'd love to have you go with me because I want to
learn those things.
Another question that has comeup is I want to read it exactly
how the okay?
This person says I want toleave my controlling husband.
He doesn't want a divorce, buthe thinks I'm the one who needs
fixing and he isn't the problemI am.
So how can I motivate him tojoin the workshop with me when
he thinks I'm the one who needsfixing and he isn't the problem
I am.
So how can I motivate him tojoin the workshop with me when

(27:34):
he thinks I'm the one that needsfixing?

Speaker 2 (27:37):
Okay, and his motivation is that she improves,
then that's what you do.
You're right over here.
Motivation you put in theleft-hand column.
He wants me to improve as a, asa person, or wants me to
improve as a spouse, whatever itmight be.
And the right-hand side, you'reright, okay, it will.
I'm going to learn how to bethe best me when I go to that
workshop.
We're going to learn how toimprove in at least four

(27:59):
different areas improve myself,and so I can say to him okay, if
you think I'm the only one thatneeds fixing, I'm not going to
argue with you about it and I'mnot going to ask them to try to
verbally beat you up in theworkshop to make you realize
anything about you.
I'm going to say let's go, andthen I can't go by myself and

(28:20):
learn the things I need to learn, because I need you there so
you can at night, we can talkabout what is it that that I
should be learning?
It's no, that's not good.
Let's back that one up.
Don't say that.
Just say I can learn better ifyou're there than if I go by
myself.
Now you might want to come byyourself.
If they won't come, we havesolo workshops and they're very
powerful and very good.

(28:42):
But to try to get him to come,if he says, I just want you to
be a better person, say, well, Icould go to the SPOLO workshop,
but I would so much rather yougo with me so we can both learn
how I can be a better person.
Don't tell him that we're goingto convince him that he's also
at fault.
One of the things we hear morein common than any other

(29:03):
statement from people finishingup the workshop is I thought it
was all my spouse's fault, andnow I see how I've contributed
to it and we would expect thatwould happen for your husband if
he comes through.
But I don't think that's goingto motivate him.
If you say, well, I want you togo, because then you're going
to find out you're just as muchat fault, if not more so, than I

(29:24):
, I don't think he's going tocome for that reason.
I think he would say, okay, I'mnot going to argue about it
whether you're more at faultthan I.
I'm saying that I want to learnhow to be the better person and
this is the workshop to learnit.
And so, yeah, I'll participatein all parts and learn if you'll
go and also participate in allparts and learn.

Speaker 1 (29:45):
An important point here as well is to realize that
your spouse's motivations, bywriting them down doesn't mean
that you have to agree that theyare right Simply writing down
in their headspace where theyare right now what is motivating
them.
And I think a place that peoplecan get really stuck here is

(30:08):
that they're wrong.
It's not all my fault, you'reright.
It's not all your fault, yourspouse has absolutely had
something to do with this.
But in thinking about how canyou motivate best motivate your
spouse to come, being defensivetowards them in asking them to
come and saying, well, you'rejust as much of a problem as I

(30:29):
am and therefore this workshopis going to help us, that's not
going to move them to want tocome with you.
So in some instances you kindof have to like feed the crazy
and because you can see a betteroutcome for this, and that's a
I think that's a mindset shiftthat you also have to be willing
to understand.
As you're asking your spouse todo this with you, you're not

(30:51):
doing, you're not.
These motivations don't have tobe true.
They're true for your spousebecause it's how they feel right
now.
They don't have to be true inyour eyes, but they are the.
They are the lever that youhave, and that's a difficult
part of the situation you're in.
You're in a situation whereyou're on your last rope, at the
end of your last rope.

(31:12):
For many people, this is a HailMary.
So this is kind of the thoughtprocess that we go through,
knowing that a lot of theirmotivations, we hope, change,
because that's what the workshopis designed to help do.

Speaker 2 (31:27):
And some of the questions I'm seeing over here,
Kimberly, we can answer as we gothrough the next three steps.

Speaker 1 (31:32):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (31:33):
Great, okay, so let's go to the next one.
That was very good.
You're right.
The motivation only has to beimportant to them.

Speaker 1 (31:41):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (31:41):
It doesn't have to be good, right holy, only
important to them.
All right.
So in the left column on thissheet, you're going to
anticipate every objection,whatever he or she is going to
say about why they don't want tocome.
Now, once you write down whatyour objection is, then in the
right-hand column, you're goingto write down how you will
respond to that, Because ifyou're prepared for the

(32:07):
objections before they give them, then you won't fumble around
and stumble and panic.
You'll have thought it throughalready.
So, for example, if you'regoing to put over here, one
objection is going to be, myspouse said that if he goes, it
will make his affair partnerangry and therefore he can't go

(32:28):
because he doesn't want to upsetthings with her.
On the right-hand side, you canwrite okay, we can.
If you go to the workshop, tellher that so you can close out
this relationship with me, ortell him so they shouldn't close
out this relationship with me.
That's what I'm asking you todo, and that you're going to

(32:49):
learn about relationships andand that they shouldn't be
afraid, because nobody's goingto push you to stay married to
me.
They're going to teach us,they're going to educate us and,
of course, that might be adecision you would make, but
that by coming over here, thenthings can finally come to an
end, finally come to a close.
That he and I'd say to myhusband husband, if it were he

(33:11):
then you can walk away with aclearer conscience, and you can
tell her that I can walk awaywith a clearer conscience, and
so here's how you're going tobenefit from that.
Okay, Even if it thinks thatyou might upset her, tell her
how she's going to benefit.
This is what it'll do for her.
If another objection is I'm notthe kind of person that needs

(33:32):
help.
I can take care of myself.
You're going to come over hereon the right-hand side and say,
as I have said before, you are avery responsible and valid
person.
You can do so many things, butyou know, I'm not that person,
and if you can go with me tothis workshop, then I need to
learn the things about what Idid wrong, how the relationship

(33:53):
got to where it is and if wewere to fix it, how to fix it,
of course, but also that, if yougo ahead and leave and I am in
another relationship later, howI can live with that, and so,
while you may be totallyconfident like that.
I'm not.
Well, he might say, then justgo to the solo one and get all
that for yourself.
My response would be okay.

(34:15):
But you know, I would learn somuch better if you participate
in it so I can talk to you aboutvarious things and learn, so I
may be able to ask you questionslike when I did that, how did
that affect you?
I can't do that in a solo, it'sjust me by myself, and so if
you go with me, I'll learn a lotmore.
And I'm asking you to do thatwith me so that I can close out.

(34:36):
And if he says but I don't wantto go, Well, I understand that,
but you do want the dog and I'mvery willing to give you the
dog if you go and participate.
This is how important it is tome, because you know I want the
dog as well, and so you're goingto think through any objection
you can possibly think of Now.
If look at this last line overhere do not offer any compromise

(34:57):
you'll later regret.
Don't offer the dog.
If you're going to regretgiving up the dog Now, if you
run across one here and youthink I don't know how to answer
that, then contact back yourworkshop advisor and talk to him
or her about that.
If they can't help you figureit out, they'll talk to Kimberly
and Kimberly will help themfigure it out, so they can help
you figure it out.
And if Kimberly's not available, then I'll help them.

(35:20):
We'll do what we can, but youhave to go through them to do
that.
And so if you put somethingover there and you can't think
of I don't know what answer toput, we're available, We'll help
you put the right answer there,so you can think these things
through.
And so what you want to do isthink of whatever the objection
is going to be.

(35:41):
Okay, now I see one on theright of our camera that just
passes by.
About what if they say, well,I'm not going to get any help
until the divorce is finalized,All right, let's go down to the
next one here We'll talk aboutthat kind of thing.
Okay, the fourth step isanticipating frictions.
Now, that if I can't, I won'tdo it until the divorce is

(36:01):
finalized, is really more of anobjection.
The difference in an objectionand a friction is this A
friction is something that'sgoing to be caused by life
itself.
You say, what do you mean?
Well, you know is somethingthat's going to be caused by
life itself.
You say what do you mean?
Well, you know, what are wegoing to do about child care?
How are we going to pay forthis?
How are we going to get timeoff work?
Those are frictions, becausefrictions are coming from
outside the relationship.

(36:21):
So actually there's well, I'mnot willing to get help until
after the divorce is finalized.
If you think about that, thatreally sounds like a
manipulation, and anytime wehave heard something like that
said, nothing ever happenedafter the divorce was finalized.
That was just a manipulation togo ahead and get the divorce

(36:42):
over with and then, no, I'm notgoing to do anything now.
And so if I were going toanswer that objection well, I'm
not willing to do it until afterthe divorce is finalized Then
my response would be Iunderstand that you would like
the divorce to be done.
Well, if you want the divorcefinalized which is the real
motivation here you want thedivorce finalized.
I'm willing to move faster onthat if you come to the

(37:05):
three-day workshop andparticipate.
We've had people say I'll signthe divorce papers if you come
to the workshop and participate,but not until after the
workshop will I sign.
I'm not going to sign it aheadof time because, to have peace
in my heart, I can't go aheadand do the divorce until I work

(37:26):
through that workshop and learnwhat I need to learn from it.
And so I'm asking you to gowith that.
So, no, no, I won't do it afterthe divorce is finalized.
So if the real motivation is Iwant the divorce finalized, okay
, I can help that divorce getfinalized.
I will move faster.
And they may say how fast?
What will you do?
Well, you've got to think thatthrough.

(37:51):
Used to, people would sometimesbring the divorce papers with
them to the workshop, literallyand say I'll sign them when the
workshop is immediately over.
If you still want a divorce Now, we don't encourage that.
It can take, you know, a weekor two for the workshop to
finally click.
And so we say, if you're goingto do that, say I'll sign it two
weeks after the workshop orthree weeks after the workshop.
If they say, why two weeks?

(38:12):
Why three weeks?
I just want to have time tothink it through and have time
for you to think it through.
But I will sign it on May 15thor whatever the date might be if
you go to the workshop andparticipate.
But for those that have broughttheir divorce papers to the
workshop, I can tell one story.
For example, A guy at the very,very end of the workshop raised

(38:32):
his hand and said can I saysomething?
And so the facilitator, theleader of the workshop, let him
come to the front.
He walked to the front withpapers in his hand and said my
wife said she would sign thesedivorce papers immediately after
the workshop.
And then he tore them up andthrew them in the trash can and
said we're going to work thisout.
So all I'm trying to tell youis this I wouldn't let myself be

(38:56):
manipulated.
You say, okay, now let's get tothe frictions thing.
What if they say it just coststoo much?
Well, if that's a friction onthe right hand side, you're
going to write through how youcan resolve the frictions.
So, for example, we had a ladyonce that said to her husband

(39:16):
yeah, it's kind of expensive,but you know it's a whole lot
cheaper than this divorce isgoing to be if we wind up
fighting it out.
So would you rather pay allthat money to the attorneys or
would you rather we just go dothis thing and learn some stuff
and then try to divorce Emma acouple of days after that is
over, because it's going to be awhole lot less expensive than

(39:38):
having two lawyers fight it out.
We're both going to lose a lotof money if we do that, and I
don't want to do that, so let'sgo do this instead.
Another woman said she told herhusband I'll tell you what I'm
going to do.
I'm going to raise the money.
I'm going to do, I'm going toraise the money, I'm going to
ask my parents for some money,I'm going to do a couple of yard
sales to raise some money, anda couple of other things.
I can't remember that she didand she raised the money all on

(39:58):
her own and she said OK, thenI'll pay for it.
So that's no longer a problem.
And so, frictions, you're goingto figure it out.
Well, what about the kids?
Where are they going to stay?
Well, I've talked to my mom andshe said she would keep them
for those three days.
Or I talked to your sister andshe said she keeps them for
those three days, or whatever itmight be.
And sometimes, rather thancoming to the in-person workshop

(40:21):
, there could be some frictionsthat cause you to do better by
coming to the online workshop.
That's right, you can do thatfrom your very home.
We had one couple come throughthe online workshop and he was
in South America and she was inCanada, but they came to the
workshop together, just weren'tin the same room because they

(40:43):
were already separated like that.
Well, of course, that solvedany problems about child care
and all those kinds of things,about travel costs and hotels
and all that kind of thing, andso if you look into this, you
can start seeing that thefrictions typically can be
worked out either by coming tothe online workshop or by

(41:04):
figuring out okay, this is howwe can ask help from these
people and these people willhelp us.
Sometimes people go to theirchurch.
Okay, Kimberly, something justpopped up.
What is that?

Speaker 1 (41:17):
So for people to be able to type in objections that
they have, so we can be surethat we cover them.

Speaker 2 (41:22):
Excellent, very good.
I guess I can minimize that.

Speaker 1 (41:27):
Yes, you can.
So for all of you who arewatching, just you can see that,
type in if you have anythingyou'd like to share so that we
can use that for betterresponding.

Speaker 2 (41:39):
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I saw that you wrotesomething down here, Kimberly,
about there might be too intense, too long, uncomfortable with
us as a company.

Speaker 1 (41:49):
Yeah, these are objections people have already
given in the chat.
I wanted us to be sure to coverwhen we got to that point.

Speaker 2 (41:56):
Okay, can you help me understand what that means
Uncomfortable with us as acompany?

Speaker 1 (42:01):
The comment that said it was.
I believe that the person didresearch on marriage helper, so
here's what she said I asked himto attend so I could
communicate with him over thekids and I would pay and take
care of the kids.
He is not comfortable with theidea of marriage helper as an
institution so probably doesn'tlike the fact that we help save

(42:24):
marriages is my assumption.

Speaker 2 (42:27):
Okay, Could be you have a situation like that.
If your spouse is willing toget him or her to talk to your
workshop advisor, or they canjust talk one-on-one with one of
us and we can, you know if theyhave specific questions or
fears or whatever it might be,objections, then they're always

(42:48):
willing to talk to your spouse.
If your spouse is willing totalk to them, they're always
willing to talk to your spouse.
If your spouse is willing totalk to them, they're always
willing to talk to your spouseand they'll get to see that
we're just genuine, real people.
I don't think we have anynegative Better Bureau things.
I think they're all positiveabout us and I know that
Trustpilot has many positiveviews on us and we try to be

(43:12):
very good people who operate outof ethics and integrity.

Speaker 1 (43:15):
That's what we intend to be and so a three-star
Google review, because ourworkshop is not in Nashville,
but it's south of Nashville, sothat's when we like that overall
.

Speaker 2 (43:34):
Somebody gave us a three-star review because they
have to drive from the airportto here, which is, by the way,
about a 35 minute drive.

Speaker 1 (43:41):
That's what you can expect when you read the Google
reviews.
Most people really love us,which is great.

Speaker 2 (43:48):
I see the question very quickly.
Is the online workshop aseffective as the in-person?
As best we can tell, yes.
Typically, though, the peoplewe prefer people come to the
in-person because we like toreally get to know them.
I mean, it's a differentexperience.
In person, you get to getfellowship well, I'll use that
word.
You get to associate with otherpeople who are there, get to
know each other, become friends,find commonalities with people,

(44:10):
with other people who are there, get to know each other, become
friends, find commonalitieswith people, and so I prefer the
in-person.
The online came on because ofCOVID.
We developed that because ofCOVID when people couldn't come,
and lots of people who come tothe online come because they're
in different countries, likeit's too expensive to get to
there from Switzerland or fromChina or from whenever it might
be.

(44:30):
All right, kimber, let's go down.
After frictions, let's go tothe next one.
Okay, fifth step puttingtogether the request.
Now we're going to write athing and you're going to write
it as if you were actuallyhaving a conversation with your
spouse.
Now we suggest you title itrequest dialogue, and so what
you're going to do is you'regoing to write this out with

(44:51):
both parts of the conversationas you anticipate.
For example, you might startoff with I'd like to talk to you
about a workshop I've beenlooking into.
I've researched it thoroughlyand strongly believe that it
would be good for both of us, nomatter what we decide to do
about our marriage.
You start off with somethinglike that and then move into

(45:16):
briefly telling them what youfeel the workshop will do for
you personally.
You say well, where do I getthose thoughts?
Back in step one, you'vealready written them down.
However, don't mention anythingyou wish to gain that you
believe your spouse will have astrong negative reaction to.
For example, if your spouse isinvolved with someone else, you
would not say I want to attendthis because I think it'll make
you come to your senses aboutSally Sue.
That's not a wise thing to say.
Instead, you might say it'llhelp me understand what you feel

(45:37):
about Sally Sue, and I needthat for my own well-being.
Can we scroll down a little bitthere Kimberly?
Then briefly tell your spousewhat the workshop could do for
them.
Base your statements on thethings you wrote in step two.
Now, back over there, we toldyou the circle of one you
thought was the strongestmotivation.
You always want to start withthe strongest motivation and
clearly explain it, making sureyou focus on what they want or

(46:01):
what they need, rather than whatyou want or you need.
But you're going to be ready toexplain.
If they ask questions, you'regoing to have thought it through
ahead of time and, ifappropriate, mention any other
benefits to your spouse that youfeel they'll react well to.
Skip the ones that you feelthey're not going to react well
to.
Now, if they ask questions aboutthe workshop itself, try not to
give too much information.

(46:21):
If you do, they may wind upfocusing on that rather than on
your request.
So, for example, if they sayare they ever going to expect me
to say anything, you say youknow, I haven't been there and I
do know this.
They say they don't ask anybodyto say anything, that they'll
be uncomfortable saying I doknow that.
Well, are they going to spendall day teaching us stuff?

(46:44):
Well, you know they base whatthey teach on good, solid social
science research and we will bethere for the whole day.
But they try to make it asinteresting as possible.
As a matter of fact, a lot ofpeople talk about how
fascinating it was to learn allthe stuff they learned.
People typically walk out ofthere saying I never knew that,
I never knew that, and so whatyou want to do is keep

(47:05):
emphasizing what will bepositive to them, and then you
anticipate the objections.
You've already written thosedown, you're ready for them, and
you're much better off if yourspouse gives objections than if
they ignore you.
I saw a couple of things wherepeople said I asked my spouse
and they just ignored me.
Well, you know then, objectionsare better, because objections
at least invite conversation.

(47:28):
You can talk, and if they justignore you, my recommendation is
say your piece.
If they ignore you, say thankyou for listening.
I may want to ask you about itagain sometime and then go do
something else.
Don't push it if they ignoreyou.
I think in the last workshop Iwent to, which was a couple of

(47:48):
weeks ago.
I've been traveling andspeaking around the country, but
a couple of weeks ago, one ofour workshops I went to,
somebody said I think it was awoman who said it was the fourth
time I asked my husband to comebefore he actually stopped and
talked to me about it and thenhe decided to come.
I said fourth time in how long?

(48:09):
She said over about a year.
So she didn't pop back in anddo it every week, but she did it
for a while and he finally came.
He finally talked to her and soasking again and I'm going to
show you in a minute how you cando that Skip down a little bit
more here, kimberly, okay, anddo not argue about their
objections and said let themknow that you're truly listening
, that you aren't pushing,because when they know you're

(48:32):
actually hearing them, you canthen calmly reply with solutions
that you wrote in step three.
And so if they make an objection, they'll go?
No, no, no, you don'tunderstand.
If they make an objection,they'll go no, no, no, you don't
understand.
If they make an objection, youlisten and you try to find the
key there.
Okay, so what I hear you sayingis that what's really important

(48:52):
to you is getting the divorcesooner.
Well, yeah, that's why I saidit.
Why don't we go ahead anddivorce and then we'll go to the
workshop afterwards?
No, what I'm hearing is, thekey to hearing is that you'd
want to divorce sooner, and Iunderstand that.
Well, here's what I'll do.
If you'll go to the workshopwith me, I will sign the divorce
papers on June 12th, orwhatever it might be.
If you go and you participateall three days and so you make

(49:13):
it a conversation, it's not asales pitch.
You're talking back and forth.
Take your time, don't rush,listen a lot and try to listen
to what's really reallyimportant to them.
If you find, if you realizethat what's really going on is
they're just mad, they're justabsolutely furious, you can say
I can understand that you'reangry.
You know things haven't gonewell with us.

(49:35):
I honestly don't know all thethings that you're angry about,
but you know, honestly don'tknow all the things that you're
angry about, but you know thisworkshop will help you deal with
a lot of those things in goodways, so that even your anger
can be, you can handle it better.
Not me handling it better, youhandle it better.
You listen to what's importantto them and so you anticipate
the frictions.
If the friction's aboutchildcare, you got to have it

(49:57):
all figured out ahead of timeand whenever they bring up one
that you didn't think of, or ifthey keep bringing up one after
another like you give an answerfor this, you give an answer for
that, you give an answer forthat, and they still come back
with more frictions.
Don't get frustrated.
Do not get impatient.
What you're going to do isyou're going to turn it valid as

(50:17):
valid, even if you know it'snot really valid.
Valid as valid, even if youknow it's not really valid.
They're just looking forexcuses, and sometimes I've even
seen people do this.
Okay, you say that's a bigthing, I got you.
If we could figure out how tohandle that, what else would
keep you from wanting to go?

(50:37):
And that's when you find outwhat the real objection is it
just costs too much money.
Okay, if I can figure out howto handle the money, what else
would keep you from wanting togo?
And that's often when you'llfind out what the real objection
is.
And that's when you're going totalk to them and help them
understand.
So you're not going to beimpatient, you're not going to
react with frustration.
You're going to continue theconversational atmosphere that

(51:02):
you established.
You're going to communicate tothem that you too have thought
about these frictions, andyou're going to talk about it
like two people looking for asolution, rather than one person
trying to talk the other personinto something Kimberly.
If you could scroll down alittle bit more, okay.
And then don't push for animmediate answer Now, if you

(51:23):
know your spouse likes to makedecisions that fast, you can say
I know that typically you liketo respond quickly.
So if you want to make adecision right now, that's fine,
but I'm not pushing for animmediate answer.
You know, think it over and, ifit feels appropriate, ask them
what they think about what youtalked about, but not in a way
that appears to be pressuringthem to make a decision, like,

(51:44):
okay, you know, take a week ortwo to make a decision if you
want to, but can you at leasttell me what you're thinking
about?
What we talked about?
What points made sense to you?
What points maybe didn't makesense to you?
I'm not pushing for a decision,I just want to know what you
think about our conversation.
And if they offer anaffirmative answer on the spot
which some people do thank themcalmly and then book the very

(52:08):
next workshop available.
Don't wait.
Answers can change if too muchtime passes.
We've had people say he waswilling to go in March and I
thought well, okay, we haveplenty of time.
I think I'll book one thissummer, It'll be easier.
And by the time I got around tobooking, he had changed his
mind, or she had changed hermind.
If they said they're going togo, book it.

(52:28):
That's my suggestion Book itright away and we'll help you
figure out how to get it done.
Okay, if they don't provide ananswer, ask if you can bring the
subject up again in a few daysto find out what they're
thinking.
Like.
Okay, I realize that you needsome time to think about it.
So if it's okay with you, I'mgoing to bring it up again

(52:48):
lightly in a couple of weeksjust to see what you're thinking
.
Okay, and typically they'll sayokay.
And then when you start it upagain, it's like well, I was
just wondering what you'rethinking about our conversation
the other day about the workshop.
And if they say, well, I'm notreally ready to talk about that,
okay, if you don't mind, I'llask again in a few days.
And what you do is you justdon't push them, you just ease

(53:12):
them into it and do notmanipulate Now.
If they give a negativeresponse, don't react.
A no right now doesn't meanit'll always be no.
We've had so many people askmany times before the spouse
ever came along.
But use this process so thatyou're not trying to sell them
something, you're not trying tomanipulate them, you're not

(53:33):
trying to force them.
You're just listening to what'simportant to them while making
sure they understand what'simportant to you.
Okay, kimberly, give me theobjections, questions, answers,
whatever, or you can handle themand I'll go take a nap.

Speaker 1 (53:49):
I keep having to mute myself because I keep sneezing.
It must be the time of yearwhich is really frustrating.
So, yes, let me get throughseveral of these objections.
So, um, yes, let me get throughseveral of these objections, a
lot of categories that we couldsee here.
So this is the.
Is this the end of the?

(54:09):
The um, if this is the end ofthe dialogue or if the end of
this, then I'm going to stopsharing for now.
So my spouse has said threedays is too intense, or three
days is too long, or I'mconcerned about the cost.
So, if those are objectionsthat come up, what are some good
ways to overcome thoseobjections?

Speaker 2 (54:30):
You know, if we were to go to marriage counseling, it
would last weeks, weeks.
This is just three days, andwhen you think about the time
three days to come to aconclusion and decide what we're
going to do about our livesit's hardly any investment at
all.
Yeah, you will learn a wholelot of stuff, and so the three
days won't be wasted, becauseeach one of us is going to learn

(54:51):
a lot of stuff, and while wecould use it to put our marriage
back together that's why thesepeople exist we can also use it
to make our lives better if wedivorce and never see each other
again.
And so three days may soundlike a lot, but it's not intense
, not too intense.
I hear that they laugh a lot,people have a lot of fun with

(55:13):
each other, that some of thecouples actually become such
buddies that they wind up goingto dinner together at night, all
those kinds of things.
It's a pretty relaxedatmosphere, laid back, easygoing
.
It's not like you're in theretrying to cram for a test so you
can get into grad school orsomething.
It's very friendly, veryconversational, and people wind

(55:35):
up making a lot of friends inthere, and if you don't want
friends, you don't have to dothat either.
But it's really a laid back,easygoing workshop.
Learn a lot of stuff and inthat sense it's intense, but
it's not intense otherwise.
Lots of breaks, lots of snacks,lots of time for lunch, all

(55:56):
that kind of thing.

Speaker 1 (55:58):
Another question that has come up is cost.
What if they say that it's tooexpensive?
How can I help overcome thatobjection?

Speaker 2 (56:06):
I would always tie it back to divorce and say you
know, it's not a small amount ofmoney, but it's so much cheaper
, so much cheaper than a divorceKimberly.
I don't know what the latestfigures are, I have it from
about 10 years ago and I haven'tlooked since then.
But back then the averagedivorce cost $30,000.
$30,000.
That was 10 years ago.

(56:27):
I don't know what it is now.
So it's a lot less expensivethan a divorce.
Plus, you know they've got waysthey can finance it so we can
pay it off in some fashion whereit's not too much of a burden
on us.
And for people who aregenuinely in financial need,
they have some scholarshipsavailable.
It's not just for somebody whosays I want a discount, but if

(56:48):
people are in genuine financialneed, they have some
scholarships available andthey'll give them.
They give away about $250,000 ayear in scholarships.
We do, by the way, I guess westill do.
We did About $250,000 a year inscholarships of money we just
give away to help people come tothe workshop if they're in
financial distress, and so wewill try to help you as best we

(57:10):
can.
And there are other ways to getmoney.
Sometimes your churches willhelp and sometimes your
relatives will help.
Yard sales can happen.
Sometimes you got you know athird car that you hardly ever
use and you go.
We don't really use that thing.
It'll more than pay for theworkshop.
Let's just sell it.
There are all kinds of ways todo that.
Teresa said it may be $50,000.

(57:32):
Now on the divorce, I wouldn'tdoubt it.
It's very expensive, veryexpensive, and you do get some
goodies besides the workshop.
You get membership.
For what a year?
Is that correct, kimberly?

Speaker 1 (57:44):
Yeah, so for our couples workshop, both spouses
get their own private membershipso that your spouse can have
their own login and they canhave their own journey without
having to share the same one.
And then also coaching, so itcomes with six coaching sessions
as well.

Speaker 2 (58:01):
So you get a lot more things than just the workshop.
You see, our goal is to helpyou have the best life you can
possibly have, and, of course,we'd love to help you save your
marriage.
That's why we exist, that's whywe are here.
But if we can't help you saveyour marriage, we want you to
help save your life in the senseof having a good life, a

(58:25):
fulfilling life, a meaningfullife.
And we care, we genuinely careabout people, just about
everybody who works for us canmake more money doing something
else.
Now, I'm not saying our peopleare poorly paid they're paid
well but most of them have giftsand skills where they can make
a lot more money doing somethingelse.
And they're here because theycare about you.

Speaker 1 (58:47):
We do as well.
There's a question about if wecan describe what the workshop
experience is in more detail andwhat can be expected.

Speaker 2 (58:54):
I think the only way to get that is if you go to some
of our comments from people onour webpage.
You see, it's hard to explainsomething to somebody that's
never experienced it, and that'sthe difficulty.
If we just told you about we dothis and do this and do this
and do this, it wouldn't explainthe workshop to you.
It would just say those are thethings that happen in a

(59:16):
workshop.
But what happens to the people,the way that they blossom, the
way that they come out ofthemselves and find peace and
happiness and joy, those kindsof things it's really difficult
to describe that to somebodywho's not experienced it.
It's a three-day life-changingevent, even if you decide not to

(59:37):
stay together.
It's a three-day life-changingevent where you're going to
learn a whole lot about yourselfin good ways.
You're going to learn a wholelot more about your spouse than
you've ever known.
You're going to learn a wholelot more about relationships and
life than you've ever known.
It's constant during theworkshop You're going oh why
didn't somebody teach me that 20years ago or 30 years ago or

(59:58):
whatever it might be?
And so the only way I candescribe it is that, while it's
full of logic, it tends to havean emotional effect in good ways
.
Not that it's an emotionalworkshop where we try to blow up
your emotions.
We don't do that.
It's because of the things thatwe teach and when people start
getting ahas oh, they get an ahaabout their childhood or an aha

(01:00:24):
about their marriage or an ahaabout how they're interacting
with their children.
It can become emotional forthem, but not in some terrible
way where everybody feels badabout themselves, but where
people find peace, peace and joyand those kinds of things.
So it's not a revival where youcome out throwing your hands up

(01:00:45):
glory, hallelujah.
It's not that.
It's a thing where people comeout calmly saying I've grown,
I've changed, and in that senseit touches emotions.

Speaker 1 (01:00:58):
Yes, absolutely, those emotions, yes, absolutely.
We have a lot of people sayingmy wife is just checked out and
they just want the divorce.
They don't have the desire ormotivation to do anything, so I
don't even know what theirmotivation is, well, other than
just wanting the divorce.
So I know we touched on thisearlier, but it just keeps

(01:01:20):
coming up, even in the poll thatpeople just took of just their
wife saying I just don't want towork on the relationship.
What do you do when?

Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
you feel like you're at the gridlock.
If you can find some othermotivation they'll come for,
like we said earlier, they wantthat painting, they want that
dog or they want to be able toco-parent better, that they have
no interest in doing anythingabout the relationship
whatsoever.
But there's something they canget.
And if you say, well, but if Isay that my spouse is going to
feel manipulated, well, you canhave the painting if you come to
the workshop, just sell them upfront.

(01:01:53):
I know this may sound like amanipulation.
I certainly don't want tomanipulate you.
I'm just trying to find what'simportant to you, and I know
that painting is.
So that's what I'm offering.
I'm offering you somethingthat's important to me.
If you'll do something that'simportant for me and so you can
have the painting, if you'll dothis for me, please do that.

(01:02:14):
So don't always make it aboutthe relationship.
You can make it about thechildren, you can make it about
any number of things.
And if they just absolutelyrefuse to come to the couples
workshop with you, in the soloworkshop which, by the way,
we're actually doing some thingsto make it even better than

(01:02:35):
what it's been, in the soloworkshop you'll learn a lot
about you and a lot about lifeand a lot about how to make your
life good from now on.
Also, some principles about howto put your marriage together,
if ever you can get your spouseto come to the couples workshop.
And it's not unusual, aftersomebody's been to the solo
workshop and has experienced it,that that experience changes

(01:02:58):
them enough Seriously, I'm notmaking this up Changes them
enough that the spouse sees it.
And then, after a few weeks,when they ask the spouse to come
back to the couples workshop,the spouse is saying it made a
big change in you.
I think I want to go see whatthis is all about.
And so, yeah, we'd love to haveyou come to the solo workshop,
but don't come to the soloworkshop just because you're

(01:03:19):
afraid to ask your spouse tocome to the couples workshop.
We recommend the couplesworkshop.
But if they absolutely won't,we'd love to have you in the
solo workshop and I'll guaranteeyou it'll be worth your time,
your money, everything else,because you're going to come out
there a better person thanyou've ever been before ever

(01:03:43):
been before.
And when I say guarantee justfor legal purposes, I need to
explain.
That doesn't mean I can giveyour money back if you say I
didn't like that one little partof it, I'm not saying that, I'm
saying that it works.

Speaker 1 (01:03:54):
Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:03:56):
We don't have a success rate on the solo
workshop about how it savesmarriages because of the fact
that the spouse is not there.
What we're learning from thesolo workshop, and we're going
to start measuring even better,is what it does for that person,
and the change in that personis significant and powerful.
Of course, we can't measure howit saves the marriage because
only one spouse was there.

Speaker 1 (01:04:17):
Right, we used to.
I had written a response tothat.
At one point we had looked atthe conversion rate of the
people who had gone to solo andthen upgraded to couples and
first of all, we haven't runthat number in a while, um.
So I don't have it right nowand I can't even remember off
the top of my head what it wasthe last time we ran it.
But you have to understandthat's a dynamic number based on

(01:04:39):
how many people are going intosolo versus, you know, making
the step into couples after, andI just don't, I cannot
confidently give any of you anumber on that.
In the past it's been anywherebetween 10 and 35 ish percent.
I don't know what it is rightnow because it all depends on
whether you end up continuing toask your spouse to go to the
couples workshop with you, andthat's where we're seeing a Um.
I don't know what it is rightnow because it all depends on

(01:04:59):
whether you end up continuing toask your spouse to go to the
couples workshop with you, andthat's where we're seeing a lot
of people get stuck.
It's actually one of thereasons we are having this
webinar, because I have done alot of focus groups over the
past several weeks with solospouse graduates and ask them
about the process for them ofasking their spouse to go to the

(01:05:21):
workshop with them.
And there was mixed responsesof some people who said I asked
and asked and asked, I did,until they said yes or until it
just became very clear andevident that it was never going
to happen.
But they feel like they vettedit to every extent possible,
followed this process that weshared with you today and

(01:05:42):
they're in a really great spot.
But then there's other peoplethat I've spoken to and they've
said, honestly, I'm just scaredand so I'm not asking and I
don't know how to move forward.
And you're not going to moveforward if you get to that place
of gridlock.
And that's really why we'rehaving this conversation with
you all.
Here's the framework to use.

(01:06:03):
You need to ask your spouse.
Waiting isn't going to makeanything better.
It's only going to make theproblems worse.
And we understand you're scaredof pushes, you're scared of all
of that stuff.
Timing is important.
You need to make sure you knowthat you pick the right day.
You don't want to pick a daywhere your husband's mad because
he just got demoted at work.
Right, like timing iseverything in many different

(01:06:25):
ways.
Tone and how you bring it up iseverything.
However, you also just need todo it and expect a no the first
time you ask.
Expect that it's going to be ano.

Speaker 2 (01:06:39):
That doesn't mean it's the last time you're going
to ask yeah, don't panic, don'tpanic when that happens.

Speaker 1 (01:06:45):
That's right.

Speaker 2 (01:06:46):
For many of you who said my spouse is completely
checked out, totally checked out.
There's no way on earth he orshe is ever going to come to the
couple's workshop.
They said then I don't want totalk to me anymore, et cetera,
et cetera.
I'm recommending to you thatyou do consider a solo workshop,
because it's going to help youbecome a much better person and
have a much better life in thefuture.
And it's not unusual, asKimberly was talking about that,

(01:07:08):
when the spouse starts seeingyou be different because of what
you learned, that the personwho would never talk to you
again suddenly is willing totalk to you and winds up coming
to the workshop with you.
And gentlemen, we've got amen-only solo in-person workshop
coming up in June.
It's June already, isn't it?
In June, right here in MiddleTennessee, and unless something

(01:07:31):
happens to me, I will be leadingthat workshop myself.
Gentlemen, I'd love for you tosign up for that and if you're
not signed up for it, if youhave a workshop advisor, call
him or her right now and getsigned up.
If you have not had a workshopadvisor, marriage helper that's
marriagehelpercom slash call andyou can set that up.

(01:07:52):
I really, really want to seeyou guys, it's going to be an
awesome men only workshop.

Speaker 1 (01:07:59):
Yes, absolutely Well.
We hope that this has beenhelpful.
I know we've talked about a lotof things and we hope to create
this to where it's moreorganized, Like here are the
framework that Joe shared isvery organized, but I think it
would be really cool and I kindof thought of this as we were
doing it if we had videos thattalked about each objection so

(01:08:23):
that people could kind of pickand choose their journey and
understand how to handle eachobjection.
So those are, those are thingswe're going to continue to flesh
out because we realize this isa sticking point for many of you
, and so we want to help giveyou the tools that you can feel
empowered and confident toapproach your spouse about
something that is alreadydifficult and hard and scary to

(01:08:46):
do.
So we hope that this has beenhelpful for you.
Marriagehelpercom slash call Ifyou want to speak with one of
our workshops workshop advisors.
Remember there's always theopportunity for a workshop
advisor to speak to your spouse.
If your spouse asks for thatand is willing or is willing to
do that, that's right.
So they're not just going tocall your spouse out of the blue

(01:09:06):
.
Your spouse is going to need tocommunicate to them that
they're ready or the two of youcan be on the call together, but
that's always something that weare absolutely willing, able
and happy to do, so you'll allget recordings of this.
Thank you so much for spendingyour time with us.
Thank you, Dr Joe, for guidingus through that.
It's incredibly powerfulframework to be able to have
this conversation with.