How To Avoid Divorce During The Holidays

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Did you know that divorce filings increase by 30% in January? It’s not a coincidence. The holidays don't just magnify relationship problems; they market a perfection that no marriage actually has. If you are dreading this Christmas because you feel like you are walking on eggshells, you are not alone.

In this video, I’m sharing the exact "Stop The Chaos" plan you need to implement next week. This isn't about fixing your whole marriage in one day. It is about damage control. It is about getting through the holidays without becoming a statistic.

I was where you are 12 years ago. I know the fear, the loneliness, and the overwhelming anxiety. But I also know there is hope.

In this video, we cover:

• The "Knee Surgery" Analogy: Why you need to calm the inflammation (the chaos) before you can have the surgery (the workshop) to fix the root cause.
• The Holiday Truce: Why you must stop all relationship talks from Dec 23rd to 26th.
• Managing External Chaos: How to handle nosy family members and protect your children from the tension.
• The "If/Then" Plan: Practical ways to manage your own anxiety if your spouse doesn't show up or acts distant.
• The PIES of Attraction: How to focus on YOU physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually to become a safe place.

🎄 THE "STOP THE CHAOS" PLAN FOR CHRISTMAS:

1. Stop Pushing: No begging, pleading, or "heavy" talks.
2. Be A Safe Place: Warm, kind, and accepting (but not smothering).
3. Manage Expectations: If your spouse is distant, treat them like a guest. Be hospitable, but don't force connection.
4. Damage Control: Your goal this week is not to "save" the marriage, but to prevent making it worse.

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If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
My name is Kimberly.

(00:01):
I am joining you from mymother's house.
So you get to see all of heramazing Christmas decor and all
the things.
Uh we've been we've been stayinghere for a while as our house
has been redone, but we aremoving back in over the holidays
and it's been a sweet time, butI am ready to get back to my own

(00:25):
house.
You're gonna get to know alittle bit more about me over
the next hour as we worktogether to uncover what it is
that you need to do over thisnext week in order for you to
not become a divorce statistic.
What do I mean by that?
I know that the holidays is avery stressful time for

(00:52):
marriages for two reasons.
The first one is that theholidays magnify problems.
They magnify problems that havealready existed due to the
expectations that we have forthe holiday season and due to
just the overwhelming amount ofstress.
We're spending more money thanever this time of year.
We're going to a lot of things.

(01:12):
There are holiday parties,there's gifts to buy, there's
kids, all the different partiesthat the kids go to and getting
all their teachers' presents andthe 15 days of the month that
they need to dress up in acompletely different outfit for
school each day.
Does anyone know what I'mtalking about?
Y'all, I gave up on that thisyear.
I was like, y'all figure it outif you want to do it.
And if not, just wear whateveryou want to school.

(01:35):
And so uh all of those thingsare happening during this
season, and it is so stressful.
It's so stressful.
There's continued piling upexpectations, but also there's
the expectation that we havegoing into this season of
marketing perfection.

(01:55):
Here's what I mean by that.
The holidays don't just magnifyproblems, they also market
perfection.
Enter the Hallmark channel.
Anyone who knows anything aboutme knows I'm not ashamed to say
it, I do love Hallmark Christmasmovies.
They are heartwarming, they arewholesome, they are just
something I can put on and chilland know that for the most part,

(02:18):
if my kids walk in the room,it's not going to be a problem.
On the other hand, this Hallmarkexpectation level of
relationship and level of whatthe holidays should do for us or
should bring to us leads notjust for Hallmark, but for a lot
of the marketing that we seethroughout the holiday season,

(02:40):
that we should have this perfectholiday, that we should have the
perfect traditions, theperfectly roasted turkey, the
perfectly set table, the perfectfamily gatherings where everyone
is getting along.
All of those things are ourhopes and desires for this
Christmas season, becauseChristmas is a time for joy, joy

(03:00):
to the world, silent night.
Oh, come all ye faithful.
All of those things that we justhear and we think about how
inviting and how calm and howhopeful and how wonderful this
holiday season is.
Yet, when we look at the actualhustle and bustle, when we begin

(03:22):
to look at all of the thingsthat we see around us, the
perfect Christmas cards that weget from our friends, where they
have the happy family alltogether, it can begin to feel
like the holidays are maybe morepressure than excitement.
And that's why when we look atthe past 10, 15 years of data,

(03:45):
we know from research given tous by by uh divorce lawyers, by
the New York Post even said thisrecently, and we hear it every
year that January is the monththat divorce filings increase by
30%.
And there's a 100% increase inthe amount of people who are
looking and searching for thingslike how to get a divorce,

(04:06):
quickie divorce, how to end mymarriage peacefully.
We see all of those things shootup after the holiday season, and
it can't be a coincidence.
It's not that the Christmasholidays create problems, it's
that they magnify problems andthey market a perfection, which
no marriage has.

(04:28):
And so for the people who werealready wanting out of their
marriage, who were just tryingto make it through the last
holiday together with their kidsso they could have one final
Christmas as a family.
January is that time where thethey begin hearing messages such
as new year, new you.

(04:48):
Do what makes you happy.
And this absolutely leads to anincrease of divorce filings
going into January.
But many of you here today aresaying you've already
experienced it.
You've recently got serveddivorce papers, you're currently
separated and maybe goingthrough a divorce.
All of those things are addingup to the pressure you're
feeling right now.

(05:09):
Does this sound like what you'regoing through?
I would actually love to knowwhat is one, if you could pick
one word to describe how you'refeeling right now going into the
the week of Christmas.
How do you feel?
How do you feel?

(05:29):
Sad, tired, alone, exhausted,hopeless, fearful.
This is what you're saying rightnow.
Betrayed, alone, alone,overwhelmed, sad, hopeless,
lonely, fear of the unknown.
Uh one of you says resourced.
I would love to know why.
Unsure, hopeful, devastated,angry, anxious, like crap,

(05:54):
dreading it.
I don't want you to have to feelthis going into what should be
the most joyful, happiest,family-oriented day of the year.
But I know you are, but you'renot alone.
You're not alone today.
I'm here with you.
We have a ton of other peoplewho are here with you as well,
like our members and ourgraduates.

(06:15):
But I'm going to show you todaythe plan, at least a huge, a big
part of the plan that we use atMarriage Helper, that we've used
with thousands of people whohave been in situations just
like yours.
And I believe that the plan thatwe're going to walk through
today is going to help you walkinto next week with confidence,
to where you don't have to feelso hopeless, so alone, so

(06:36):
betrayed, so hurt, so scared,that you can walk into next week
with more confidence, moreclarity, and a plan to soften
the chaos that's currently goingon in your life.
Now, at Marriage Helper, we talkabout seven steps to save a
marriage.
I'm on a high level, the sevensteps that we talk about to save

(06:57):
your marriage is step one tocalm down.
So you want to be able to manageyour emotions so that you don't
go into every situation frantic,angry, anxious, hurt, because
those things will impact thecontinue, the ability to save
your marriage, the ability tocalm things down in order to
actually fix things, right?

(07:18):
We have to learn how to calmdown.
And then also to get clarity.
In fact, I'm gonna also,alongside of these seven steps,
I'm gonna give you an analogy tothink through, which I think
will help you understand what wedo at Marriage Helper and how we
do it.
So we uh we have this live showthat we do every Wednesday, and

(07:39):
I shared this for the first timethis past week in our live show
on YouTube that I do with Dr.
Joe.
When you think about kneesurgery, so both of my parents
have had total knee replacement.
My mom's had it, I think, twice.
And my dad's had it once.
And so this total kneereplacement, like my mom,
especially, I remember when herknee started hurting her.

(08:00):
I remember that happened yearsbefore she had the surgery, and
there was a ton of inflammation.
Maybe some of you haveexperienced this.
There was a ton of inflammationall around her knee.
She wasn't quite sure what waswrong.
In fact, we were on a triptogether and she tripped and
fell one day, and she actuallyended up tripping and falling
twice.
And in like her knee got soswollen, and she wasn't quite

(08:24):
sure what the real problem was,but her knee had given out.
That's why she fell.
And so it ended up being thiswhole problem.
And so what needed to happenfirst was that the area of the
knee needed to calm down, right?
The inflammation, the pain thatwas causing there to be even
more fluid buildup, even moremuscle pain, joint pain, all of

(08:45):
that.
It needed to calm down in orderfor the doctor to be able to get
clarity, right?
Because when there's just abunch of like, I know me, when
I've gone to the physicaltherapist before, he's like,
man, there's just a lot goingon.
You need to stop doing thethings that are hurting your
situation right now, so that wecan really get clarity on what
the underlying cause is that'sgoing on.

(09:05):
It's exactly what we do atmarriage helper.
Things need to calm down inorder to get true clarity about
what it is that is happening.
Another thing that when someoneis is having knee problems is
that helps give clarity is thatthere are x-rays that are done,
MRIs, there are scans thathappen in order for the person

(09:26):
who is responsible for helpingnavigate the patient through
this process so that they haveclarity on what do we need to do
moving forward.
And then there's things you needto stop doing, right?
If you're about to have kneesurgery or if your knees are
hurting you, there's things youneed to stop doing, the things
that are making it worse, andthere's things you need to start
doing in order to heal the painand be able to prepare yourself

(09:51):
for surgery, right?
This is part, this is what we doat Marriage Helper.
So in our process, you need tocalm down.
We need to help you get clarity.
And if you're working with ourteam, we need to get clarity by
asking you some questions andassessments, which our team has
to best understand what it isyou need to stop doing and what
you need to start doing, whichis step three.

(10:11):
Stop doing the things that pushyour spouse away, start doing
the things that will pull themback.
And then step four isforgiveness and reconciliation.
So forgiveness needs to happenno matter what, but then there's
a whole process forreconciliation.
And then you build back trust asstep five.
Step six, you reignite passionand intimacy.
And step seven, you you createyour dream life together.

(10:33):
Now, for many of you, whereyou're sitting right now, you
are saying things like, I don'tsee how this can turn around.
Someone just put this in thecomments.
I don't see how this can turnaround.
I am so smart with my contact.
I meet him with kindness andacceptance, but he's still so
cruel towards me.
I don't see the hope in this.

But here's the thing (10:51):
if you continue to follow the plan, we
can't guarantee, unlike a totalknee replacement, which still
can't even guarantee that you'refully going to heal properly and
all of those things.
What we can say is this is theprocess that of all of the
people, the thousands of peoplewe've worked with, this is the
process that our most successfulclients follow in order to see

(11:13):
their marriage calmed down inorder for it to be saved so that
you can reconcile.
Now, just like going back tothis knee surgery analogy, y'all
stay, y'all stay with me.
I hope this is making sense.
You do this pre-work, but thething that makes the huge
difference in actually takingout the thing that is that is

(11:36):
causing you pain and replacingit with something new that's
going to put you on the righttrack is the surgery, right?
Once you get most people haveknee replacement because it
becomes bone on boy, bone onbone, you've lost the joint.
And that joint has erodedbecause of all of the friction
between both of the top of theknee and the bottom of the knee

(11:57):
over the years.
Just like in so many marriages,what has eroded is that trust,
is that ability to communicatewithout fighting, because the
friction has been so high for solong that these things have
eroded.
And what has to happen is youhave to rebuild it.
A surgery, so to say, has tooccur in order for what you in

(12:19):
order for your marriage to beable to be new again.
And that's what our workshopdoes at Marriage Helper.
We have a marriage helpercommunity that helps you with
that prep work, with everythingbefore the surgery happens.
And if you have time, and somepeople wait, they wait a couple
of years, they keep putting offthe surgery because the pain

(12:40):
isn't big enough right now.
And so our marriage helpercommunity helps with that.
But then the intervention of thesurgery is our workshop.
And when someone, when the painis so high that they can't go
another day, then that is whenthey get surgery, just like with
our workshop.
When you get to the point whereit's critical, where your pain
is high enough, that's when theworkshop is what you want more

(13:03):
than anything.
And then just like after you getknee surgery, you the next day,
the day of, they have you up andwalking.
And the next day you're inphysical therapy, continuing to
do those things you did beforein order for you to set you up
for success so that you heal, sothat you can walk the best way
possible, so that you can goback to doing the things you
love, so that you can createyour dream life.

(13:26):
You can go back to doing thethings you love, which is what
we help you do at MarriageHelper.
After you go through ourworkshop, you're right back in
the Marriage Helper communitybecause it's going to help you
do the exercises and the thingsthat will strengthen your
marriage so that you can createthat dream life, the things like
rebuilding trust, reignitingpassion and intimacy, and
creating that dream lifetogether.
That's what we do at MarriageHelper.

(13:47):
And I say all of this as we gointo creating your plan for
Christmas so that you know thatthere are options for you.
A lot of people say to me, Well,I tried counseling, I tried
therapy, or I just don't thinkanything will work.
I don't know who to trust.
There was someone just yesterdaywho said to me, uh, there's just

(14:09):
so much out there.
I see so many different marriagehelp type programs on social
media.
I just don't know who to trust.
And yeah, there's a lot.
There's a lot that have come upover the past two years and
don't have a track record, don'thave the success that we do at
Marriage Helper.
I'm letting you know that whatwe do is there are options.

(14:29):
And I'm just gonna tell you thisup front.
Today, you can you can get moreinformation about our workshop.
There's some of you saying, Ihave to like, I want the
surgery.
I'm in a critical situation.
If I think about where I'm gonnabe in the next six months, we
might be divorced.
That's critical.
You need to go learn and startlearning, learning about our

(14:50):
workshop.
We have a way that we can uhnavigate you through how to talk
to your spouse about going.
And maybe during Christmas, thisis the best time to ask your
spouse to go with you as aChristmas gift.
Maybe we're gonna, we're gonnaevaluate that later.
But maybe, right?
But if divorce is happening andit's on the table, then just
like I said to someone else lastweek, what do you have to lose

(15:11):
at this point?
Because if you don't doanything, where are you gonna be
in six months?
If the answer is divorced, thenit is time for you to do
something instead of just beingtoo scared to do anything
because your marriage is headedtowards ending anyway.
So I encourage you, go go learnmore about our workshops and
that is the place you shouldstart if it's critical.

(15:32):
But if you're saying, I don'treally know yet, it I don't know
where it's headed, it'sfrustrating, I don't know what
to do, then I'm offering youtoday one of the best things
I've ever done.
One of the best things I've everoffered.
Uh, you can join our marriagehelper online community.
There's members here today.
You can get it for 50% off forthe first month and a 100%

(15:56):
money-back guarantee if youdon't like it in the first 30
days.
Literally, there's no risk.
And so I just want to go aheadand let you know.
Merry Christmas.
You can try our marriage helperonline community that our
members are a part of, and youcan do it risk-free for 30 days
because I don't want you to beanother statistic come January.

(16:20):
And I believe in what our teamdoes in the membership.
And I believe you're gonna haveamazing value from it.
You're gonna get tools you need.
I believe you're gonna startseeing change and that you're
gonna want to stay.
And so those are just two thingsthat I want to offer you today
as we go into the plan for goinginto the holidays.
There are a lot of comments thatI see coming in.

(16:43):
Um, I have I have some people,some marriage helper people on
the call today that are helping.
You'll see Kelly, you'll see anamazing woman named Kelly in the
chat.
Um, she is a trusted figure inour marriage helper community.
She's a graduate.
Um, she'll be answering some ofyour questions in the chat at as
they come today.
But then you'll also see uhother the marriage helper team.

(17:04):
Um, that's Jason.
He's gonna be answeringquestions and things like that
today through the chat.
So those are the team membersthat I have with me today as we
go into the plan.
The plan for what to do.
As we go into the plan, though,I just want to say um it was it
was 12 years ago, around thistime.

(17:25):
It was right in this time.
It was uh like December 12th of2013 that I thought my marriage
was done.
I knew my marriage was done.
It was the worst weekend of mylife, truly.
And I try not to talk about it alot because it still hurts to

(17:47):
think about, even though mymarriage is amazing right now,
even though uh, and it has beenfor years.
My husband's my absolute bestfriend.
And I told him he's like off uhdoing stuff at our house today.
I was like, if you come in tothe to the to the in-law suite
that we're living in, you'regonna be on camera.
And he's one of those people whosays, to love me is to not put
me on camera.

(18:08):
Like he loves being a behind thescenes person, but I always love
when he comes on and does thingswith me.
Um, but y'all, 12 years ago, itwas bad.
It was it was really bad.
And my husband was in the armyat that time, and there was a
weekend um where everyone in hiscareer uh he was going through
this thing called captain'scareer course, and everyone in

(18:29):
his career course group wasgoing down to New Orleans.
Um and even just like on the waythat morning, we left at 5 a.m.
on a Friday morning to to drivewith everyone down to New
Orleans, and we were drivingover to where everyone was gonna
meet, and he said to me, andthings had been things had been
rough, and he said to me, if youdo anything this weekend that

(18:55):
embarrasses me or makes me feeldisrespected, I will divorce you
when we get back.
Oh my gosh, like you all some ofyou have heard something like
this.
Some of you have gotten thedivorce tape, like you know that
feeling for me.
The feeling was right here in mythroat.

(19:17):
Like, I can't do anything.
Like, what the heck am I gonnado?
I I don't know what's gonna makehim think everything was setting
him off back then, everythingwas setting him off, and I was
like, I I'm at a loss.
I and so I just remember goingthrough that weekend completely

(19:39):
like walking on eggshells, notwanting to do anything to upset
the apple car, not being me.
Not being me, because I feltlike one wrong step, and I made
that one wrong step.
We went into uh there's this ifany of you ever been to New
Orleans, which I will never goback, but if any Of you have

(20:00):
ever been to New Orleans,there's this beautiful white uh
like cathedral.
And I remember we went throughit and I was feeling a lot of
emotions, as you can imagine.
And I just started crying inthat cathedral.
And I went and sit sat down inone of the, you know, one of the
pews and just like was prayingand thinking about things and

(20:23):
like praying to God about likemy marriage.
And but I was just overwhelmedwith emotion.
And I will never forget.
We were walking out, and he hecame up to me and he said, You
just embarrassed me.
Like, this is it.
This is it.

(20:44):
And then uh I just went back tothe hotel for the for the rest
of the day and the rest of thetrip.
And there, and there was morethat happened.
Um, and there was more that wasthat was happening.
My husband was drinking a lot atthat time, so um half the time
he was drunk or like angry fromthe fact that he had drink too
much.
And so there was just so much,you know, there was a lot of it.

(21:11):
There was a lot of all of that,and so um, it was just a
terrible weekend, and I wasscared out of my mind.
I was scared out of my mind, andI knew that it was over, that he
at this point, like it was done,he was done, and I could not
live with that.

(21:33):
Like it had been it had been badfor a couple of months.
We had been separated for a yearbefore this.
Um, not it was out of choice,but it was like he stayed in
Korea.
Our marriage was bad when wefirst got married.
The first couple of years werewere pretty rough.
Um, and so I ended up comingback to the States.

(21:53):
He stayed in Korea, but weweren't separated, right?
Like it wasn't like uh, I don'tlove you, I'm thinking about
divorce, let's separate.
It was like we're both unhappy,maybe we need space.
Let's separate.
And then he had finally gottenback from Korea, and that was in
July, and this all of thishappened in that December.
So there was about six months ofwhen both of us had come back

(22:15):
together, but no issues had beenfixed.
We had gotten the space wewanted and kind of felt some
peace.
And he, we were both likegeographical bachelors,
geo-bachelor andgeobachelorette, which is a very
military term.
Um, and that marriage was great.
We could do whatever we wanted.
We didn't have to see eachother, we were a half a world
apart.
But when we got back together,of course, like we were excited

(22:37):
to see each other, we had missedeach other, but nothing had been
fixed.
And so everything got worse.
And so for six months we foughtand we fought and we fought and
we fought until we got to thatDecember where we were in New
Orleans and all hell brokeloose.
And so uh that next when we gotback from New Orleans, it had

(22:58):
been rough and I don't recommendwhat I did next.
But I I went I went in, I packeda bag in our bedroom, and I told
him, I love you, but I can'tlive like this.
I'm leaving.
And I said it just like that.

(23:19):
I wasn't angry, I wasn'tyelling, I wasn't anything, but
of course he was like, You'reyou're yeah, you're uh whatever,
like stomping out of here, thisis why, you know, you're the
problem, all the things.
And I just remember going outand sitting in my car in front
of our townhome in Alabama andwaiting for him to come after
me.

(23:42):
And he didn't come.
So I left.
So I left.
And I will tell you the rest ofthe story in a minute.
Because here's why, y'all.
Here's why.
Because there's this Christmasanxiety, there's a magnifying

(24:04):
glass effect, like we've alreadytalked about.
There's the trap of the Hallmarkmovie, like we've already talked
about.
There's this pressure foreverything to be perfect, all of
these things.
The goal is to shift.
I want to shift your goal.
The goal for next week for youis not to save your marriage.
That's too big.
The goal is damage control, tonot make it worse because I've

(24:29):
been where you are.
I may not be in the exact samecircumstance because ultimately
my husband didn't file fordivorce.
He didn't.
Shockingly.
I'll tell you, I'm gonna tellyou what happens.
But the but the thing is, Ishould I don't think I should
have left.
I don't agree, and I neverrecommend that someone do what I

(24:52):
did.
But what I did end up doing inthe way that I did it was that I
did start making damage controlafter I left.
And I'm gonna explain that alittle bit in a minute.
The goal for Christmas next weekis not to save your marriage, it
is to do damage control.

(25:14):
So here is the stop the chaosplan.
I want you to do a holiday trucewhere you stop pushing your
spouse.
As much as I just talked aboutmy husband, he was angry, he was
drinking, he was doing all ofthese things.
I left him.
I left him twice.
I left him when he was in Koreaand we wanted a space from each

(25:40):
other, and he was going throughsome really hard personal stuff.
And instead of being the wifethat stayed and leaned in, I
left.
And then I left again when hewas hurting even more because
yes, like he was angry and hewas drinking and he was doing
these things, but he hadsuffered some pretty extreme

(26:01):
losses in his life at that time.
But I wasn't thinking about him,I was just thinking about me.
I was thinking about how muchhis actions were hurting me, how
emotionally I felt.
I was thinking of all of thosethings.
And I wanted relief.
And so I left.
I didn't leave once, I lefttwice.

(26:21):
He was hurt, and that waspushing him away.
Me leaving was pushing him away.
Now, for some of you, it wasyou, it's been you like
completely trying to smotherthem.
It's been you leaning in,pleading, begging, whining.
I did my fair share of that inthe beginning of our marriage.
And when that didn't work, Ijust started leaving.

(26:43):
Right?
I hurt him, but I was unwillingto see how I was hurting him.
And so the best thing to happenright now is to stop doing the
things that are pushing yourspouse away.
And we're gonna call this theholiday truce.
No relationship talks.
Make a rule.
From now, from now or fromDecember 23rd to December 26th,
stop talking about yourrelationship.

(27:04):
Stop talking about the affair,stop talking about the divorce.
And if your spouse is being coldor distant, don't push, don't do
something to try and retaliate.
Stop chasing them.
Chaos ensues when you panic andwhen you try to force a
connection.
Okay.
So what do you do?

(27:26):
Be a safe place, be warm andkind and accepting, but not
smothering.
Become a safe place for yourspouse to land rather than a
pressure cooker of emotions.
Okay.
So, as we said, I left.
Don't recommend it, neverrecommend it.
But he, I will say, like, I leftand then I stopped.
I didn't say anything more.

(27:47):
I didn't text him.
I didn't call him.
I just drove away and waited.
And I'll never forget it was acouple of days later.
He sent me a text message and hesaid, I'm gonna go buy a new
car.
We don't have the money for anew car.
But at the same time, it wasn'tthe hill I was willing to die on
right now.
Like my marriage was fallingapart.

(28:09):
It was in shambles.
And the last thing that I shoulddo at that time is respond back
to him about how much of anidiot he'd be if he did that,
about anything, X, Y, Z.
Like that was the worst thingthat could have happened.
And so all I said was, okay,we're not gonna fight about
this.
But this is also a psychologicalprinciple.

(28:32):
And I was kind of prepared forit, right?
Because we know that when youand your spouse are used to a
certain cycle of communication,that as soon as one person
begins to do something to changethat cycle of communication,
then the other person begins toact out more or begin to act
different.

(28:52):
Like, think about your kids.
Think about when maybe you havea three-year-old who really
wants a cookie.
And for a year, you've alwaysgiven them a cookie when they
wanted it.
And so they know what to do.
And then maybe you tried to likestop giving them cookies because
they needed to eat broccoli.
But as soon as you stoppedgiving them cookies, what would
they do?
Well, they would throw a tempertantrum and they would cry and

(29:14):
they would do things until youfinally gave in and gave the
cookie, right?
And so that became the patternof behavior until maybe one day
you're like, I'm putting my footdown, no more cookies, no more
cookies, only broccoli.
Well, as soon as you do that,you're holding the line at, I'm
not giving you a cookie.

(29:34):
What is the child doing?
The child is gonna keep pushing.
And when they realize that theyget to the point where you used
to give in and you don't givein, they're not all of a sudden
gonna give up.
They're gonna push even furtherto try and get the same reaction
from you they used to get in thepast.
That's what happens.
That is a psychologicalprinciple.
It's how people, it's how peopleare wired, it's what we do.

(29:56):
So, this is what you shouldexpect from your spouse when you
begin to bring the calm intoyour marriage.
When you try, when all of asudden you're not fighting back
on the things you used to fighton, they're not gonna be like,
oh, they've changed.
This is a new person, this is anew marriage.
No, they're gonna be like, thisisn't right.

(30:17):
This isn't what I'm used to.
I'm gonna go even furtherbecause they're comfortable and
used to, they're habituated, ifyou will, to the way that you
have been communicating.
And I'm not saying it makeslogical sense, but the way that
they do it is by trying to getyou to react the way that you
used to react.
Now I've lost my comments, so Idon't know if this is making

(30:39):
sense to y'all or not, but okay,I found them.
So if this makes sense to you,then just put like a yeah, that
makes sense.
I've experienced that.
I've tried to do maybe there'ssome of you who are saying, I've
tried smart contact.
And for a while it made thingsworse.
Like they ended up reacting evenstronger when I was trying to be
calm.

(31:00):
Right?
Like that's why we say atMarriage Helper, consistency
over time.
This is why we want you to getin the marriage helper community
because you need support and youneed accountability for when
your spouse goes crazy, for whenyou try and hold the line, but

(31:23):
they continue to push past it.
You have to keep steady.
You have to keep calm.
This is why calm down is thefirst step and smart contact
toolkit, which is in the whichis in the membership, which you
can go into now for half off and30-day risk-free guarantee.
Um, and you can understand,okay, smart contact is going to

(31:43):
help me calm down.
And then you have the communityand you have the group coach,
like the group coaching supportcalls and all those things to
help you stay steady.
Because the best thing you needto do right now is stay steady.
Because I, that's what I did.
Not just because that's what Idid, but that is what I did.
I stayed steady.
I did not talk about myrelationship with my husband
when we when I after I left.

(32:03):
And when he tried to like push,I just I I didn't fight.
I didn't fight.
I used to fight.
I fought him on everything.
I stopped fighting.
Silence again.
Silence again.
Okay.
That silence sucked, by the way.
I hate, I hate the silence.

(32:24):
I remember just like being by myphone, waiting for him to
contact me, waiting for him tocall, waiting for him to come
after me.
And he didn't.
I know how it feels.
It sucks.
It's terrible.
It is lonely.
And I remember feeling soembarrassed, so ashamed.
Like, who am I supposed to goto?
Who can I trust?

(32:45):
No one.
I didn't feel like I had anyoneto go to or anyone that I could
trust.
I did.
I talked with my parents and allthose things.
But like, there's only so much Iknew I could tell my parents.
I don't want to poison the well.
I I taught these things.
And so, and so ultimately, I hadto learn to stop reacting.

(33:06):
I had to hold the line, you dotoo.
So that's why going into nextweek, stop talking about your
relationship.
This is one of the parts aboutno contact anyway.
And when they do open up, be thesafe place.
That's part number one.
Here's part number two.
You need to manage the externalchaos, your family and your

(33:29):
friends.
So when you have nosy relatives,my sister was a no-nosy
relative.
I didn't tell my sister anythingthat was going on.
And I didn't have kids at thistime.
Rob and I didn't have kids yet.
Um, and so when my sister, forexample, who would have been
Joanna, when she asked, whyisn't Rob here?
What's going on with you two?

(33:50):
You need to have a waypre-planned to answer that
question that's not going tomake things worse.
So you could say, hey, we'regoing through a rough patch, but
today I just want to focus onthe kids and enjoy Christmas.
Thank you for respecting that.
If that doesn't feel like you,make it sound like you.
So what I said to my sister was,you know, there's things that he

(34:12):
is finishing up, there's thingsthat he needs to focus on down
in Alabama, but I'm here.
I'm here now.
I like I really didn't tell heranything, but I'm here now.
Um, because I knew she wouldkeep crying.
Like if I kept, if I keptsaying, but you just need to
have something that's gonnaprotect you, protect you, and

(34:34):
honestly protect your marriage,because you don't want to start
saying things like, well, myhusband had an affair.
I, and therefore, like, I don'tknow if our marriage is gonna be
saved or not.
You don't need to tell the worldwhat's going on in your marriage
right now because it's onlygonna make things harder when

(34:55):
it's finally time for y'all tocome back together.
That's what you have to focuson.
So find a way to manage theexternal chaos.
Then there's your kids that youhave to think of.
You need to protect the kids.
Ensure that your children don'tbecome messengers or pawns.

(35:16):
We had a caller into our liveshow this past week, and she was
talking about how her kids uhare adults, they're older, all
girls, and her husband was gone.
They were separated, he wasn'tliving in the house.
And her youngest daughter, orone of her daughters, one of her
daughters was really upset aboutabout what was going on with her

(35:37):
parents, and rightfully so.
Rightfully so.
Kids are affected by divorce, itdoesn't matter how old they are.
And so the daughter was takinglike what the daughter wanted
was for her for her dad to notcome around at all.
She was angry at her dad.
And so the key in a situationlike that, and maybe some of you

(35:57):
are in situations like that, ina situation like that, you need
to be able to separate the two.
You don't need to try andconvince your kids that that you
want to save your marriage.
You don't need to try, youdefinitely should not convince
your kids that your spouse is abad person.
You should not try to convinceyour kids to be on one side or

(36:20):
the other.
And if you're gonna beconvincing them to be on a side,
you're gonna try to convincethem of being on your side.
You should not share anythingnegative about your spouse.
You should not share anythingthat they don't need to know.
And again, like all of thisdepends on their age about how
much they're gonna know, howmuch they don't need to know.
But let's just say you have kidsthat are 10 and younger.
Hey, I know it's hard for youright now that mommy and daddy

(36:43):
aren't together right now.
How do you feel?
Tell me how you feel.
What is something we can dotogether that will that would
that we can do, you know, justthe two of us, or if you have
multiple kids, like look for thethings, just try to understand.
How do you feel?
Talk it out with them, let themknow.

(37:03):
I know that your mom, your dad,the parents that's that's not
here, I know that they love you.
They're just struggling rightnow.
Let's pray for them now andlet's go do something.
Be extra present with your kidsduring this time.
That's why you also need toprotect your own emotions, why
you don't need to start tellingeveryone in your life what's

(37:24):
going on with your marriage,because that's going to
emotionally drain you,emotionally pull you, and you're
not going to be there for yourkids.
Now, some of you are saying,like, my kids don't know
anything.
Um, okay.
Like you have to, you know, yourkids, you have to navigate it.
And if your kids don't knowanything and y'all are still

(37:44):
showing up as mom and dad forthe kids, then do that for this
holiday season.
There will come a time whenthings need to be discussed.
But right now we're talkingabout next week.
Protect your kids at all costs.
And then some of you are saying,um, uh, what was the one I just
said?
My spouse told our young kidsthat he left our house for

(38:05):
another woman.
And now I'm left to answer alltheir questions.
That's terrible.
But you can do this.
And the way that you do it is bydoing it in a way that you're
not throwing him under the bus,but but you are being truthful,
but not that doesn't mean youhave to tell them everything.
Not everything is edifying forother people to hear, right?

(38:29):
Some things you need to like usewisdom and discernment on.
And so with your young kids,they're probably asking, like,
why did dad leave?
Who what other woman?
What does that even mean?
And so maybe you just respondand say, I know this is really
confusing for you.
I'm I'm a little confused too,but I know that we love you.

(38:52):
And I will answer, and and I'mhere for you.
Tell me how you're feeling.
Tell me what you need from meright now, and just lean into
being more present with yourkids.
You're not going to be able togive them a perfect answer to
any of it because they're notasking questions out of logic.

(39:14):
They're asking their questionsout of pain and fear right now.
So don't try, it's not aboutlike finding the right answer to
their question so that they canlogically understand this.
They won't.
What your kids are thinking is,this is my fault.
And I'm scared.
Like every kid feels like it'stheir fault somehow.

(39:37):
That's what you need to reassureagainst.
Hey, you are loved.
We love you.
This is not about you or yourfault.
This is not your fault.
How can I be here for you rightnow?
That is what you need to focuson right now.
So manage the external chaos,your family and friends, have

(39:58):
something you can say.
To them, so that it protects youand it protects your marriage
and protect your kids, be therefor them even more right now.
And then you need to manage you,manage your internal chaos, your
emotions, you so you may want tothink through some if-then

(40:20):
statements.
So if my spouse ends up notshowing up, like what are the
things you're scared of?
This is what I want to ask you.
Ask to write this.
I'm gonna ask y'all to writethis down.
If your spouse doesn't show upfor dinner, if that's something
you're scared about, then make aplan for what you're gonna do.
Start thinking about the thingsthat will lead you to get riled

(40:42):
up, to not be calm anymore.
What are those things?
Well, there what if they don'tshow up?
What if I don't hear from themat all?
What if they are texting theaffair partner while they're
with me?
Uh yeah.
We had a caller on the live showuh a couple months ago now, who
this was it wasn't for aboutChristmas necessarily, but she

(41:03):
said, maybe it was, maybe it waseven just a month ago.
She said, um, my husband hasbeen with an he was in an
affair, he was with anotherwoman, but he's coming back
home.
And what do I do?
Like, what do what do I do?
I'm scared that he might, Idon't know if it's over with her
yet.
I don't know why he's cominghome, but I'm happy he's coming

(41:24):
home.
So what am I supposed to do?
And y'all, I got some pretty badflack on the Facebook reel that
posted of this.
Because I said in part of theresponse, well, what are you
gonna do about it?
What I meant by that is youcan't force his actions.
You can't control him textingher or not texting her, but you

(41:49):
can implement boundaries.
Boundaries at Marriage Helper,we call them stops, safeguards
that offer protection.
And you can learn more about itagain in the Marriage Helper
online community.
There's a full toolkit aboutboundaries and stops.
We call uh it's the ultimateguide to boundaries.
And in it, we talk about stopsand cores.
Again, half off your first monthand 100% money back guarantee in

(42:11):
the first 30 days.
So no reason to not go and anddo this.
Um, and so in that we talk abouthow you set up safeguards that
offer protections.
A boundary is not about control.
A boundary is about protectionfor for you or for your kids.
Um, and that's and that's thething you have to think about.

(42:31):
So if your spouse brings up theaffair partner or is texting
them, then what is somethingthat you can do to protect you?
You and and you have to decidewhat this is gonna be for you
because the boundary that youset, the stop that you set has
to be something you're actuallygonna follow through on.
So if you're gonna say, well,I'm gonna go as far as, I'm
gonna kick them out of thehouse.

(42:52):
Like if they're in my house andI see them texting the affair
partner, then I'm gonna ask themto leave.
You 100% have that right.
You 100% have that right.
And if that's what you want todo, okay, set that as your plan
so that you know how you'regonna handle these things as you
experience them.
Okay.
But if you're like, I don't wantto do that.

(43:15):
Like it may sound crazy, but Idon't know that I want to kick
them out if I see them textingthe affair partner.
Because what if that's also myopportunity to be able to show
how I've been working on myself?
And like there's a lot of thingsyou have to consider.
So you have to decide what'sbest for you.
And either one, like, I'm nothere to tell you what to do.

(43:35):
I'm here to give you frameworksthat you can use to decide
what's best for you to do.
Okay.
And and I know someone, I know afriend who was like, I'm not
gonna, I'm not gonna pull thatkind of ultimatum because she
just knew in her heart that thatwould be what would be the final
straw.
And it would ultimately end uppushing him permanently away.

(43:56):
And so she didn't.
Now she had she endured maybe alot more than some other people
are willing to endure.
Um, in terms of like the painshe ex like, you know, just the
stuff with like how much anyway,I won't get into it.
But um ultimately that ended itin her marriage ended up being
saved.
So you have to pick this foryou.

(44:20):
If they don't show up fordinner, what are you gonna do?
If they say something hurtful,what are you gonna do?
If they don't say anything, whatare you gonna do?
Just think through it.
And I wouldn't try and beexhaustive here.
My biggest fear 12 years ago waswhat if he doesn't come here for
Christmas?
What if I spend Christmas alone?

(44:44):
Well, then I had a plan.
I'm gonna go be with my parents,I'm going to spend time doing
things that I love, things thatfill me up, and I'm not going to
guilt him about it.
Because what good would it do?
It doesn't do any good.
It doesn't do any good.
So think about some of thethings.

(45:04):
I'd even love to know like whatare the things that you are most
scared of?
If you had to list maybe the onething that you would want to
create an if-then plan about.
What if my kids, what if my kidsare heartbroken?
Okay.
Then have like a perfect,perfect night.
Have like a night set up in yourmind that you will go.
Like if you he ends up notcoming, she ends up not coming,

(45:26):
whatever.
You have a pre-planned, ready togo.
You're gonna go see this movie,you're gonna go look at
Christmas lights, you're gonnago get hot chocolate, like just
have a thing that you are gonnado if that thing happens, right?
That's what I want you to thinkof.
You can't control your spousenext week, but you can control

(45:51):
your reaction.
A calm response stops the chaos.
And so it was a couple of daysafter my husband sent me the
text message that he was gonnabuy a new car, that and that uh
he called me out of nowhere, outof the blue.
And so, of course, I answer andI'm trying to like be calm,

(46:15):
trying to be calm.
He didn't buy a car, by the way.
I thought he was calling to tellme like he had bought one or he
needed my like approval, likenot approval, but you know, like
the car come the the dealershipneeded me to say anyway, no he
called me and he just had thisreally I like un unexpected

(46:39):
self-revelatory moment on thephone with me.
And he said, I don't know that Iknow what love is, I know what 1
Corinthians 13 says that loveis, because we're both
Christians, and he said, But Ijust don't feel like I have been

(47:03):
doing that or know how to dothat.
Like it was this very unexpectedmoment, and I just remember
sitting in my bathroom.
This one actually, like so thepart of the house I'm staying
in, uh, is the part of thehouse, my parents' house that I
grew up in.
It's this in-law suite that'sconnected to the house.
And this is where I came when umwhen I left my husband that

(47:24):
time.
And I was in that bathroom.
And I was just sitting on thefloor, and I was like, there's
so much of me that wants to likethere's this part of me that
wants to be like, why?
Like we've been married for, youknow, whatever, four years now.
Why don't like what do you meanyou don't know how to love?
What do you mean?
Like I wanted part of me wantedto interrogate him, part of me

(47:45):
just wanted to shut up and heareverything he had to say, right?
And I just remember sittingthere and I I just kept saying,
tell me more.
Like, yeah, I I understand howthat feels too.
Tell me more.

(48:08):
And we ended up talking for like30 minutes, maybe.
And it was one of the firsttimes we had talked in a while
where it wasn't angry, where itwasn't one of us wanted
something, um, where it wasn'twhere we weren't mad.
Like, I I just listened to him.

(48:29):
And then there was this otherpart of me that wanted to be
like, come home, like, where areyou?
Come here for Christmas.
And I didn't, but he did end upsaying something.
Like, I don't really rememberexactly how we got to this next
part of the conversation, but hehe was like, I'm coming, I will

(48:50):
come, I will come be there.
And and then he was like, But isyour is your are your parents
mad at me?
Like, are people angry?
What?
And I I remember being able tosay, no, everyone loves you
because I hadn't poisoned thewell.
Like everyone loves you.
Yes, there were some people thatknew some things that were going

(49:10):
on, but you are welcome here.
Can't wait to see you.
And that was the beginning ofbig change in our marriage.
It didn't happen overnight, itdidn't happen even necessarily
within like a couple of months,but I remember over that next

(49:31):
year especially, there were alot of things that came to light
and things that he shared withme about things he had been
struggling with, um, all ofthose things that he ultimately
like he became free.
And he only felt free to sharethose things with me because I
was a safe place.

(49:53):
Finally, I wasn't, right?
Like I want to make sure you allknow I wasn't a super safe place
the first four years of themarriage.
I did a lot of controllingthings, I did a lot of hurtful
things, and so then he acted outof that in his anger and in his
um, and in like how angry hewas.

(50:14):
Like part, a big part of howangry he was was because of
things I had done that I didn'tmean to come across the way that
they did, but they did.
And we were, we just didn't havethe tools to be able to handle
it, and so it led to change, itled to rebuilding trust, it led

(50:35):
to reconciling, it led to all ofthese things to where I can
confidently and honestly saythat he is my best friend.
He knows everything about me.
I know everything about him.
We have full, like today, now wehave full access to each other's

(50:55):
phones.
We were talking about that thismorning.
Um, about how like it's sonormal for there's nothing on
this phone I wouldn't show him.
There's nothing on his phone hewouldn't show me.
And and I could go look at it atany moment and he would not get
angry.
It wasn't that way years ago.
It wasn't that way, you know, 12years ago when there were things

(51:16):
that he was doing that he washiding and things like that.
Um, but it is now, and I say allthat not so that you all are
like, I feel even lonelier.
I say that because 12 years agoI felt lonely, like you.
I felt exhausted, tired, scared,anxious.

(51:38):
I felt all of those thingsdevastated.
Like I just knew it was done.
And it wasn't.
And it wasn't.
The thing that was different wasI didn't have what you all have.
I didn't have the marriagehelper community.
Like, I know that sounds socliche, but literally I ended up

(52:02):
a couple of years later, like uscreating a lot of the things
we've created at Marriage Helperwas because I wanted to create
what I wanted when I was goingthrough my crisis, but didn't
have.
That's why I'm so passionateabout it.
And so you need to manage you.
You need to manage the internalchaos, you need to manage those

(52:23):
things.
Now let's talk about a couple ofscenarios, okay?
Because there's some of youwhere your spouse is there, but
they're distant.
They're this was this wasultimately like for the most
part, this was me and Rob.
We were living together most ofthe time.
We were together, except for theyear, except for the year we
were separated and then the twoweeks we were separated.

(52:46):
Uh, but other than that, we weretogether.
So if there's if they're therebut distant, be hospitable.
Treat them like a guest, notlike uh not in a way of like,
oh, you're just a guest, butlike maybe for those of you who
are you know Christians, like amore biblical view of guests and
hospitality.
Uh, treat them like a guest.
Don't ask all of these things,like, do you love me?

(53:09):
Are we okay?
You know, I'm scared of losingyou.
Why did you do this?
Why did you do that?
Just simply say, Hey, I'm I'mglad you're here.
Go about your life in your housetogether in a calm way.
Don't walk on eggshells.

(53:30):
Don't worry about doing all ofthe wrong things.
Just have a strong, calmconfidence that is attractive.
Speaking of attraction, get intoa routine.
This is gonna help you not walkon eggshells.
Start working on your pies.
Okay, work on yourself,physically, intellectually,

(53:50):
emotionally, and spiritually.
How many of you know about thepies?
How many of you?
Yes, no, love them, hate them,tell me, want to hear?
I see a couple of you haveraised your hand.
Yes, oh yes, love them.
Who doesn't love the pies?
Everyone loves the pies.
Someone says I need to hearthem.
Okay, we're gonna tell you aboutthe pies.
So, again, one of the things weteach at Love Path is this

(54:14):
process to falling in love.
And it is uh this process tofalling in love, and it is uh
because falling in love startswith attraction, and attraction
can be broken down into fourparts physic, intellectual,
emotional, and and spiritual.

(54:35):
Physical, intellectual,emotional, and spiritual.
These are the four parts ofattraction.
So physically, it's not justabout looking your best.
It's not about being a 10 out of10, it's not about being a
model, it's not about being onthe cover of cosmopolitan or GQ.
That's not what it is.
It's about looking and feelingyour best for your age and

(54:58):
situation in life.
Okay, so it's not aboutcomparing yourself to someone
who's 20 years younger than youor whatever.
Um it's not about that.
It's about you doing the bestyou can to look and feel your
best.
I like to think about thephysical part of pies in three
key areas.
And I am obsessive about thesethree areas.

(55:19):
The first one is exercise.
Well, actually, the first one issleep.
We're gonna start with sleep.
The first one is sleep, becauseif you aren't getting good
sleep, you're not able toprocess things well.
Your emotions go haywire, yourjudgment falters.
All of those things happen ifyou aren't getting enough sleep.
And you're not, many of youaren't because you have
insomnia, because you're stayingup late, because someone just

(55:42):
said, I don't sleep.
Yeah, you've got to find a wayto calm down and to sleep.
This is so important for youjust to like emotionally be able
to process things.
Getting good sleep hygiene isimportant.
Having a set bedtime and waketime can help, even if you're
only sleeping five or six hoursa night right now, make it a

(56:03):
consistent, like the same timethat you're going to sleep and
waking up, and then start tryingto expand it to go to bed.
If you're going to bed reallylate, then try and expand it
back 15 minutes.
So you're getting 15 minutesmore sleep every week.
That's one tip.
You need to sleep in cold, in acold environment.
So make sure your temperature isat you know 68 degrees

(56:23):
Fahrenheit or 67 degrees,something like that.
Um, don't sleep in too heavy ofclothes.
Maybe try and use some whitenoise.
There's some different thingsyou can do.
Uh, try not to use screens or doanything that's going to be
anxiety-producing before bed.
Put down the news, put downsocial media, put down, like for
the love of everything, don'tlook at your spouse's social

(56:46):
media or the affair partnersocial media as you're going to
bed.
And I know some of you have doneit.
Or you are doing it.
Don't do it.
And then there's some things.
I'm not a doctor, at least notthat kind of doctor, and not
yet.
But uh, you know, there's somethings you can take, like
supplements that you can lookinto.
I'm not going to recommend anyof those.

(57:07):
Um, but there's some things youcan do, right?
I like sleep is so important.
I'll get off my, I'll get off myhigh horse about it.
I have a lot of episodes on mypodcast about sleep that you can
go and listen to as well.
And Jason um can put the linksin here.
Sorry, Jason, you weren'texpecting that.
But I highly recommend yousleep.
The second thing is exercise.
Even if it's just going for awalk, great.

(57:30):
Do something to get out and moveyour body because that helps you
in so many ways.
It helps release tension, it canhelp lower anxiety.
In fact, we know that when itcomes to treating depression and
anxiety, that there is what theycall the trifecta of therapy,
exercise, and sleep.

(57:51):
Like those things can reallyhelp you the most in being able
to overcome those things.
So go out and move.
Or do something you love.
When it comes to exercise, dowhat you know you're going to
do.
If it's not walking, if you wantto go weightlifting, if you want
to go start doing boxing lessonsor jujitsu, do something because

(58:12):
it's going to help you get thatanger out.
Okay.
And then eating.
Some of you are saying, I have aproblem eating.
What can I do to gain weight?
That's what happened to one ofmy friends.
They, when their marriage wasgoing through crisis, they lost,
like had to be hospitalized atone point because they were so
dehydrated and so um, and soyeah, like that's not healthy.

(58:35):
We don't want to get to that.
Do like what if you're noteating and you're struggling
with eating, which can also makeyou jittery, then find the
things that you can eat.
Like you have to at least getyourself to eat a little bit of
something every couple of hours.
You've got to keep your weighton.
Exercise, like doing thesethings to help lower your

(58:56):
anxiety will help.
Maybe you need to go to adoctor, get some anxiety
medication if that's needed, sothat you can eat.
Maybe you're eating too much.
When I get stressed, that's me.
I am an overeater.
Um, and so focus on healthierfoods, like create or uh pick
healthier food options.
That's a way you can work on thephysical part of your pies.
Intellectually, start doingthings that are going to um

(59:21):
really help you not think aboutthis all the time.
So get involved with a hobby,get involved in doing something.
Go out with some of yourgirlfriends, go out with some of
your guy friends, have somethings on the books that you can
do that you can look forward to.
Okay.
This is another thing thathappens inside of our community
at Marriage Helper.

(59:42):
We have an amazing team uh inour community, like an amazing
marriage helper team.
And they do events all monthlong.
They there's this thing calledcommunity club.
They get together.
Sometimes they just haveparties.
They have these pies parties,like people come, it's so
close-knit.
Um, all of those things help youhave something to look forward

(01:00:04):
to that gets you out of the rutthat you're in.
Emotionally, being able to dothings that are going to evoke
positive emotions within you.
Journaling, again, hanging outwith friends could be here as
well.
Doing things that are soothingfor your own soul.
Oh my gosh, there's a pies partytoday after this, after this

(01:00:25):
webinar.
So if you join membership now,if you join the marriage lover
community now, um, hopefully youcould like get in on that.
Just keep the party going allday long.
But the, and I just learned thatfrom Jared, who's an amazing
member of our team, uh, and somany of you know, and he's been
a driving force behind ourmembership and online community

(01:00:45):
for so long.
But do those things that aregonna fill your cup emotionally
because your spouse isn't rightnow.
And honestly, you shouldn'tdepend on your spouse to do that
all the time, anyway.
If you when my husband and Ifirst got married, I was like,
oh, he's here to make me happy,right?
He's not there to make me happy,not at all.
Uh, I like joy is good and weshould have we should be happy

(01:01:09):
and get to a point where ourmarriage is happy and
fulfilling.
But if we think about our spouseas like we're only going to be
happy if they are doing what wewant them to do, treating us the
way we want to be treated,paying attention to us the way
we want to be treated, that's anunhealthy relationship.
So we have to be able to work onfilling our own emotional cup as

(01:01:31):
well, or having it filled,right?
Um, for my fellow people who areon here who are also people of
faith, then we also know beingable to find that in God and in
our relationship with God is thebest thing that we could do,
100%.
And that leads us right intospiritual attraction.
We are attracted to people whowe see as having a similar or

(01:01:51):
better beliefs and values thatthan we do.
Um, and so leaning into that,like going to church, being a
part of a Bible study,volunteering.
Next week is a great time tovolunteer.
And that could be one of thosethings when we go up here, like
uh managing your internal chaosor finding things that you can
do to get your mind off ofwhat's happening.

(01:02:12):
Go and volunteer, do somethingto help others.
This is a great time of year todo that.
So I absolutely recommend thatyou have a routine because that
will help you be able to show upbetter in your marriage to be
calm.
Definitely recommend.
So then scenario B is yourspouse is not there.

(01:02:32):
This is probably at least halfof you.
Don't just sit at home in thedark.
Even if you don't have kids, oreven if your kids are grown and
older, find a new tradition.
Don't text them or guilt, sendthem messages.
Don't drink too much spikedeggnog and drunk text.
This is not the time.

(01:02:53):
Don't do that.
If you're in a space whereyou're just not talking much
right now, maybe you send them atext that says Merry Christmas
and that's it.
Maybe like those are the thingsyou don't want to overwhelm.
We don't want to smother.
These are the things that wehave to be really mindful of.
And it's gonna be hard to bemindful of that when you're

(01:03:15):
sitting in your own pain all ofthe time, when you're not doing
the things to calm down, whenyou're not doing smart contact,
when you're not working on yourpies, you're gonna be more
likely to send these messagesbecause that's what you
naturally want to do.
I know that that's what you wantto do.
That's what you not need to do.
That's what you not need to do.
That is not what you need to do.

(01:03:36):
And so don't do that.
Don't do that.
Get into the community, findaccountability, find your people
inside of the community.
They will keep you strong.
Um, message them.
Like, put a post in thecommunity of what you want to
say to your spouse, but you'renot going to because it wouldn't
be a good thing to do, right?
Keep that routine, find acommunity to lean into.

(01:04:00):
We have that.
That's what you need to do.
So, as an overview, what's theplan for next week?
The plan for next week is tobring the calm, to do damage
control because you don't wantto make what's already bad
worse, because we don't want youto end up being a statistic in
January.

(01:04:20):
Calm down for next week, do thedamage control, don't do the
things that are gonna continueto push your spouse away.
And that is your plan for nextweek.
So, as we're wrapping up, I wantto know what are your key
takeaways.
Y'all, this has been a livelychat.
I have not been able to keep upwith half of what's been going

(01:04:42):
on in it.
Um, but I love it.
I love I love that y'all aretalking to each other.
I love that things arehappening.
I want to know your keytakeaway.
I want to know your key takeawayfrom today and what you're
actually going to implement fromthis going into next week.
All right.
No relationship talks.
Love it.
Don't talk about being divorcedfor the rest of this year.

(01:05:04):
Be the calm, control the chaos.
How are you gonna control thechaos?
Life isn't over.
Life is not over.
There is so much hope.
There's so much for your future.
The pies is always a greattakeaway.
Be the peacemaker and focus onmyself.
Stay calm.
It's not over yet.
I'm loving these takeaways,y'all.
Uh, what else are we seeing?

(01:05:24):
Be present and calm, remaincalm, lots of calm.
I feel calmer already.
Oh, good, good, Jessica.
Damage control.
Um, show up as my best.
Yes, absolutely.
That you are loved.
You are loved.
Feel some relief that pressureis off for next week.

(01:05:45):
Yes, God's got this always.
Um, my kids came in halfwaythrough.
Oh, is it possible to watch itagain?
I wasn't planning on sending outthe the um the thing.
What is this replay?
But um, we'll see.
We'll see, Bob.
What doesn't kill me makes mestronger.
Damage control, love this.
No affair talk 100%.

(01:06:06):
Um treat her as the guest withthe love of Christ.
I loved that.
Awesome.
Okay, so you have some greattakeaways.
Now, here's the thing.
Again, we talked about themembership.
Do something.
So join the membershipcommunity,$49 off the first
month, and the 30-day riskguarantee, or or and slash, and

(01:06:27):
um go and look at our marriagehelper workshops.
They are, as we said before, thesurgery.
They are the surgery going intothe new year.
If you are like, okay, we're ata place where if I don't do
something in six months, we aredivorced and divorces on the
table, and maybe you have someleverage to be able to work with

(01:06:50):
to try and persuade your spouseto go and do something with you.
Then I highly recommend that youlook into our workshops.
The workshop, I want to be veryclear about something.
The marriage helper couplesworkshop is the thing that has
the greatest success rate atmarriage helper.
It's been around for 30 years.
Three different times we havestudied the outcomes of it, or

(01:07:11):
different people have studiedthe outcomes of it and seen a
70% success rate at the marriagebeing saved from divorce that go
through it.
So the couples workshop is thesurgery.
It is the intervention.
It's going to be the thing thatis the pivotal moment for you
and your spouse that if anythingcan work to turn it around, this
will.
Okay.

(01:07:34):
Will the couples workshop workif my wife is still in an affair
and the papers are alreadyfiled?
You're, you're, you'reexplaining half of the people or
more who attend the workshop.
So, yes, we see that all of thetime.
Um if I attend a lot ofquestions about the workshop
right now, love it.
If I attend the workshop, do Ialso gain access to the marriage
helper community?
Yes, you do.
So you can do this two ways.

(01:07:55):
And we try to make it clear, notconfusing.
Okay.
Um, you can start right now withthe marriage helper online
community.
There's no reason not to,risk-free, all the things.
And then it's 49 for the firstmonth, and that's half off.
So it's 99 a month after that.
But what you get in there ismore than 30 hours of
interaction a week in all of thedifferent things that you can

(01:08:17):
do.
You have a ton of content thatyou can go in and listen to,
just like a whole backload, athousand support calls in the
library.
Um, there's toolkits for everykind of situation that you are
encountering right now that cangive you a plan of what you need
to do.
And then there's the community,which is alive and active.
24-7 support, cheaper thantherapy.

(01:08:39):
I would say better outcome,right?
Because we get because of whatwe do and how we're able to help
people.
Um that is what you that'swhere, like, if nothing else,
start there.
But that's the pre-work.
That's the pre-work.
Okay.
It it does not have the samesuccess rate or ability to save

(01:09:01):
a marriage because it's theworkshop that allows for the
intervention to happen.
The workshop is the surgery,especially the couples'
workshop.
Now, some of you are askingabout the solo workshop.
The solo workshop is different,it's going to be amazing for you
as an individual.
You're going to have atransformative weekend.
Your eyes are going to beopened.
You're going to be able to getmore done faster and learn more

(01:09:24):
things quicker and see resultsbetter, so to say, by going
through the solo workshop.
But the couples workshop is thething that has the highest
success rate of saving themarriage that we have
documented.
The membership, the onlinecommunity, the marriage help for
online community is the frontend.
It is the pre-work.
It is what can help no matterwhat.

(01:09:46):
And as soon as you're like, thepain's too high, like I gotta
have the surgery now.
It's bone on bone.
There's nothing else I can do.
It's critical.
That's where the workshop comesin.
And then the membership afterthat helps with your post-rehab.
It helps you to make sure thatyou are the best, that you stay
strong.
All of those things.
People are commenting.

(01:10:06):
Y'all read the comments.
There's so many comments.
Um, people are getting confusedabout links.
I know.
So your.marriage helper.comslash marriage helper community
is the membership, the marriagehelper online community for 40
is starting for this month at49.
Um, and then many of you aresaying, okay, well, so so if you

(01:10:27):
sign up for a workshop, thenthen membership, a year of
membership does come with yourworkshop at an even at a
discounted price for the entireyear.
So it's like, we know it's gonnabe so helpful for you that we
include it in the workshop thatyou get.
Um and and so that's that's howit works, right?
Right there.
But you can also get in the andyou get a different access of

(01:10:48):
membership after you go throughthe workshop.
We unlock more levels for you,we unlock new things.
There's some different um,there's just some different
things you get access to that'sgonna help you specifically
after your workshop.
Um yes, uh, I know, and then uhone person says, I know it's
gonna work once we get there.
Same with the solo, trying towork on both.

(01:11:09):
We can help you with that.
If you want more informationabout the workshop, then go to
marriagehelper.com slashworkshop experiences.
And what you can do there is uhyou can you can submit an
application that will ultimatelyget you to book a call with
someone on our team, and thatthat person can help explain to
you the difference in the solouh or the couples.

(01:11:30):
They also have something theycan give you.
It's a video course, really.
It's like a really long videoand it's a PDF from Dr.
Joe explaining specifically howto ask your spouse to the
workshop.
Okay.
So that is a great, great thingthat you can do.

(01:11:51):
Um, what is a solo workshop?
Is this something new?
We've had the solo workshop fora while.
It's not new, but it isabsolutely the intensive that
you can do for yourself whenyour spouse doesn't want to do
the workshop with you for now.
So it is uh yeah, like Gracesays, it's an alternative to the
couples if your spouse refusesto attend.
And so all of these things wehave available for you because

(01:12:16):
we care.
Because we care, and because wedon't want you to be a statistic
in January, and because um welove y'all, our whole team, we
care a lot about marriages.
We our core values, the veryfirst one, is that everyone on
our team is dedicated fiercelyand fearlessly to saving

(01:12:37):
marriages.
And that's why we're here onfive days before Christmas on a
Saturday to give you a plan todo damage control next week, to
stop the calm, so that you canhave the best chance to save
your marriage going into nextyear.
As we end, someone just askedme, can I pray for everyone?

(01:12:58):
I would love to, as we end, Iwould love to pray for every
single one of you and yourfamilies and your spouses and
all the things.
Hopefully, I don't cry.
We'll see.
But as we end, let's pray.
God, I'm just trying to slowdown after talking for so much.

(01:13:19):
Um God, I'm thankful for thisbeautiful day.
I am, and I'm thankful for uhright seeing my kids outside of
this window, just um likerunning around playing soccer
outside and knowing that thatwouldn't be possible if my

(01:13:46):
marriage didn't see a turnaround12 years ago.
And so, God, today I'm thankful.
And even though it's painful tolike even think about sometimes,
and even though it's painfulsometimes to talk about, um, I'm
grateful for the change andtransformation you've done in my
life and in Rob's life and in mymarriage.

(01:14:09):
And God, I want that sodesperately for everyone.
I think of Kelly, who's on thecall, and her husband, and their
story and their transformationand how they're living in their
testimony right now.
And God, um, I'm so thankful forthat.
And I'm thankful for all of theother people on here, Jared, um,
and so many other of our teammembers who I've seen today, I'm

(01:14:31):
thankful for all of them and thework that you've done in their
lives.
And God, if nothing else, if ifthis is just a way for us to
say, like, this is what God hasdone, there is always hope for
you, then that's enough.
But God, going into Christmas,whoo, it's a heavy time.
And God, I pray for every personand I pray for their reluctant

(01:14:55):
spouses.
I pray that there would be asoftening of hearts, God.
Um, I pray that there would be aturn back to the commitment that
they originally made.
I pray that there would be a umrevival on marriage, for

(01:15:16):
marriage, for every singleperson in this call, that over
the next year that you would doan amazing work in their life,
in their spouse's life, but alsoin their life.
And God, through if nothing elsehappens, even for the people on
here who may not, who may not bea Christian or may be a
different faith, God, I praythat they would all come to know
you or know you more becausethat matters the most.

(01:15:40):
And ultimately, I'm thankfulthat you love us so much and you
see us as your bride, and youhave never left us and have
never forsaken us.
And so, even when our earthlyrelationships may fail, God, I
pray that we are always remindedthat you have an everlasting
love, that you have a mercy thatis new every morning, that you

(01:16:02):
have an unending desire to goafter us and to bring us back
because you love us, even thoughwe do stupid things against you
time and time again.
And God, I pray that we takethat same spirit into our own
marriages, that we would lovewith the love of Christ because
you loved us first.
And I pray for comfort for everysingle person on this call going

(01:16:26):
into their next year, going intoChristmas, and that we can
always remember the true reasonof Christmas, even with all of
the chaos going on in our lives,and that we will never stop
being thankful for the gift yougave us of Jesus, for his birth,
for his life, for his death, andmore than anything for his
resurrection, because you are aGod of resurrection.

(01:16:51):
And we love you, and we're sograteful that you love us so
much more.
In Jesus' name we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Thank you all.
I got through it without cryingtoo much.
So thank you all.
I hope you have a MerryChristmas.
We're here for you, and we'llsee you next time.