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In this segment, taken from our live show, Dr. Joe and Kimberly talk with a wife who wants to reconcile the marriage but is encountering some resistance... her husband is still sleeping with his affair partners.
Dr. Joe and Kimberly give insight into how to start exploring reconciliation, even when your spouse might not be willing.
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Episode Transcript
Hi, Dr.
Jo.
Hi Kimberly.
Um, I found you guys in 2023,uh, a couple months after my
husband asked for a divorce.
I went to the Solo Southworkshop in September of 2023,
and my husband and I actuallyjust attended the couples
workshop in person in Februaryof this year.
(00:24):
And I feel like I'm really goodat smart contact for the most
part.
Um, we're really good at ease,like we've become very good
friends.
Um, we are still very sexuallyactive and have
neurocompatibility issues there.
SPEAKER_00 (00:41):
But really how often is sexual how often?
SPEAKER_02 (00:48):
Uh daily.
Daily sometimes multiple times aday.
SPEAKER_00 (00:53):
That's often that's often.
SPEAKER_01 (00:55):
I don't know how you can get much as often.
unknown (00:57):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
I'm sorry for you.
SPEAKER_02 (01:01):
Sometimes there's days that we don't, but it's
usually because we're too tired.
Or if he's off doing somethingelse, because unfortunately he
does have affair partners aswell.
SPEAKER_00 (01:08):
Okay, so how well obviously we can't help you with
your sex life.
What how else can we help you?
SPEAKER_02 (01:15):
Um, so I'm really having a difficulty in trying to
figure out how to switch overfrom ease to explore because
with trying to stick to smartcontact, I don't bring up
relationships information, likestuff about where is this going
or where where do you see ourfuture or anything like that?
(01:36):
Um, because that's when he kindof gets scared and pulls back.
And so I've learned, okay, I'mjust gonna let him lead on that.
Um, but it's like at what pointdo you change from just okay, I
want to be friends with you, andwe're kind of doing all this
other stuff to how do we talkabout the future and if
reconciliation is even apossibility?
SPEAKER_00 (01:57):
Do you talk about sex?
SPEAKER_02 (02:01):
Um yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (02:03):
Okay, other than the highly sexual conversation, do
you talk about sex in any senseof the word having to do with
intimacy, openness?
SPEAKER_02 (02:14):
Um I'm not sure I understand what you mean by
that.
Like we talk about wants andneeds when it comes to sex, but
not necessarily And each personfeels understood and accepted in
that way?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (02:31):
Okay.
Then you can actually kind ofmake this into a game.
You can say, okay, I'm reallyenjoying making love with you.
It's fulfilling to me, obviouslyfulfilling to you.
But let's do this to see if wecan make it even more
fulfilling.
Uh let's start talking aboutwhat we feel.
So before we make love, once aweek before we make love, each
one of us is going to tell astory that that explains how you
(02:53):
feel about life today.
And this is gonna open up moreintimacy, which will make our
sex not less exciting.
Now, it won't necessarily makeit more sex more exciting, but
it will make it more fulfilling.
Because then we're not justmaking love to each other's
bodies, we start making love toeach other's souls, to each
other's hearts.
And so let's do this well, oncea week, once every two weeks,
(03:14):
we'll start off.
I'll tell a story from mychildhood and tell you I think
it affects me today.
And you do that.
Now, you're not going to betelling side stories, probably
in in context of sex.
But if you get into doing thosestories, then you can after a
while separate that from the sexact.
Like, hey, I've been enjoyinglearning about you.
I hope you've been enjoyinglearning about me.
(03:34):
Uh, let's just sit on the patioor the back deck or a front
porch, whatever you have, andand let's just tell a story
where we can be even more honestbecause we're not going to be
thinking about how's it going toaffect our lovemaking in 20
minutes.
Let's just see how it affects usbeing open and transparent.
So tie it to something that'sworking now, which apparently is
sex, and then gradually move itover to the other.
(03:56):
And that's how you will get ithappening.
If you can get each other, ifeach other, you can get to a
point of talking about storiesfrom your childhood that affect
how you think, how you feel, howyou believe, how you act, any of
those.
And you can do that, you know,every two, three weeks,
something like that.
And you can do that over aperiod of time, it'll definitely
move you into a situation whereyou're talking about much more
(04:18):
involved, much more seriousthings, but at the same time
without pushing, and actuallywe're coming closer and closer
together.
SPEAKER_01 (04:27):
I have one clarifying question that I need
to ask Laura.
Laura, did you say that yourhusband is currently involved
with other affair partners?
SPEAKER_02 (04:39):
Um, yes, he is involved with at least one,
which he says that he's nolonger involved with, but that's
not the case because they slipup, they work together, they
it's complicated.
Um, but he is also very activein social media and certain
(04:59):
social circles that promotepolyamory and multiple sex
partners and stuff like that.
And he knows that that is notsomething that I am interested
in.
SPEAKER_00 (05:09):
I didn't, I didn't hear not hear that.
SPEAKER_01 (05:11):
I think Joe has a new answer for you now.
SPEAKER_00 (05:15):
I didn't I didn't hear that.
SPEAKER_01 (05:17):
Well, I mean, so the the core question is they're in
ease.
Like they are moving, they'restill having sex, they're
slightly slowly moving towardsreconciliation.
What I believe Laura is wantingis she's wanting to go from that
ease stage to explore so that hebegins to make a decision to
stop those things.
SPEAKER_00 (05:35):
I would still say you could do the same thing from
the stories from childhood,because of the fact that
apparently he knows you knowhe's involved with other people
sexually, correct?
SPEAKER_01 (05:44):
Yes, he's very honest about it.
SPEAKER_00 (05:46):
Okay.
Then start there.
SPEAKER_01 (05:47):
Because he's wanting a polyamorous relationship.
SPEAKER_00 (05:50):
Yeah, okay.
Let's start there.
Say let's get on the deck,patio, front porch, whatever.
What I want you to do is tell meuh about your first sexual
experience and how that affectsyou today.
And then let's just kind of walkforward to that.
I want to hear the story.
I want to hear everything.
I want to hear what what kind ofsexual thoughts you had when you
were a teenager or even younger.
(06:11):
And and I want to understand whysex is so important to you.
So just tell me stories.
Tell me about your first sexualexperience, tell me what you
felt, what you thought, etc.
Because what you have going onhere is hypersexuality.
And and I missed I did missthat.
I missed that altogetherearlier.
I apologize.
Uh here's another question.
(06:32):
Why are you still having sexwith him multiple times a day if
he's sleeping with other people?
SPEAKER_02 (06:39):
He we have discussed that he needs to be safe with
other people um for my healthand for his.
And the sex we have isincredible.
It's great, it's wonderful, andI will not go outside my
marriage for that.
So for me, it's like I'm stayingtrue to my beliefs and values,
(07:01):
and my only sexual partner is myhusband.
SPEAKER_00 (07:03):
And you obviously love this guy very much.
SPEAKER_02 (07:07):
Right?
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00 (07:09):
Okay.
I then I'm gonna stay with it.
Say, okay, this is not a pr uhuh a predecessor to our having
sex.
This is me wanting to understandyou better.
Let's get away from the kids ifyou have any.
Let's get away from the TV, thephones, turn them off, etc.
And then we're gonna sit down onthe porch or you know, someplace
where it's just the two of usbeing comfortable.
And I want you to start tellingme about that.
(07:30):
And I would start with this tellme about your first sexual
memory, whatever it is.
And and if you do that, you canwork through helping him and you
understand why this is soimportant to him, why he's
crucially wanting to do this.
And until you guys can figurethat out, and it may at some
point take a professional, butuntil you guys figure that out,
(07:53):
his behavior's not going tochange.
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