April 23, 2025 • 16 mins
Enjoy the episode? Send us a text!
The silent treatment isn't always intentional. When your spouse emotionally checks out, it creates a painful void that can feel impossible to bridge. Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes tackle this common marriage struggle with uncommon honesty, revealing the hidden causes behind emotional disconnection.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
📞 BOOK A CALL WITH OUR TEAM: https://marriagehelper.com/call
🔗 Website: https://marriagehelper.com
📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marriagehelper
👀 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@marriagehelper
Follow our other channels!
📺 https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes
📺 https://youtube.com/@drjoebeam
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So what do you do if your spouse is checked out
emotionally?
Do you just accept it or do youdo something about it?
Let's talk about that on thisepisode of Relationship Radio.
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam and this isKimberly Holmes, our CEO.
Kimberly, we run into this kindof thing all the time, don't we
?
Where that one spouse seems tohave no emotional connection
(00:20):
with the other spouse.
Now there are several differentreasons for this, not that we
could actually cover all of themin one episode, but let's talk
about some.
And let's start with the onethat people aren't going to like
us talking about, but it'sreally needed to be talked about
because sometimes it's true andpeople don't know it.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
Yes, so sometimes your spouse is checked out
emotionally because you areactually treating them or making
them feel in such a way wherethey can't be open or honest
with you.
Maybe they've come to you andtried to share things, but in
the way that you've reactedprobably not meaning to you've
actually shut them down andpushed them further away, to
where now they feel like theycan't come to you and be open
(01:01):
and honest.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Okay Now don't bail out on us just because you
didn't like what Kimberly said.
Let's be honest, let's act likeadults.
Let's really do someself-examination.
Now, all the rest of the thingswe're going to talk about
really aren't about you, butthis one.
If we're going to be honest, wehave to start here, because
there are so many spouses and wesee it more often in men than
women but so many spouses outthere who have really shut the
(01:24):
other person off from feelingthey can be safe to open up
themselves to you, because ifthey tell you what they feel,
you tell them they should feelsomething differently.
If they tell you what they want, you tell them it's ridiculous
for them to want that.
They should want something else.
If they tell you what theythink about something, you tell
them while they're wrong, etc.
And they finally get to thepoint where it's like I'm not
going to be open and transparentto you.
(01:46):
I'm not going to tell you whatI think, what I feel, what I
believe, what I do, because Iknow when that happens you're
going to judge me.
Now, kimberly, you said theymay not even be aware they're
doing it.
So how can a person becomeaware?
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Well, one way is just by watching your spouse and
their body reaction, their bodylanguage, even the look on their
face when you respond to them,or even just it might not even
be things that other people aresaying.
It could be the lack ofresponse, the lack of looking at
the other person in the eye.
Brene Brown, who is aresearcher, she has a great way
(02:22):
that she talks about this whenit comes to kids, and she talks
about how there was a mom who,when her daughter would walk
into the room, the first look onher face would be one of
disgust when she didn't likewhat her daughter was wearing.
So, instead of it being a hi,good morning, how are you today,
it was a.
Is that what you're wearing?
And that was the first thing.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Even if she didn't say it, she communicated it with
her facial expression.
That's right, and so thedaughter felt rejected.
That's right, even if momdidn't say a word.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
That's right.
That's right, and the mom shewas talking about was her.
It was something that she hadto learn over time that I didn't
realize that's what I wasbringing into it, and I needed
to learn and change my ownawareness.
But even if she were to look ather daughter's face when she
had that look, it was one oflike why do you not like this?
Why do you not like me?
I don't feel accepted or lovedright now, and so, either in the
(03:14):
overt communication that you'rehaving by saying you should be
doing this, that and the otherdifferently, or through just the
body language, tone, look onyour face or lack of responding
to your spouse when they'retrying to talk to you Maybe it's
staying engaged in your phonewhen they're trying to have a
conversation.
If you were to just look atthem, you would be able to tell
more than likely that they don'tfeel like they're getting back
(03:37):
from you what they're needingfrom you.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
And a person can do this because they picked up
those habits from their ownfamily of origin or because of
the fact they might bedistracted and thinking about
something else.
And so the first thing werecommend here is, if your
spouse is emotionallydisconnected from you, try to
examine through his or her eyeswhether they feel that you're
actually available and whetherthat you're being nonjudgmental.
(04:04):
And, as Kimberly said, it's notjust in words, not just in tone
of voice, it's body language,it's facial expressions.
All those things matter.
And so sometimes you canactually get your spouse to be
more open and transparent andconnect with you with a stronger
emotion if they can just feelthat you care and that you
(04:25):
accept them as they are.
Now that's a whole topic that wecan talk about and we can get
into it in great depth.
Right now I'm just going toleave it at that principle.
First of all, check out, bewise, pay attention to see if
perhaps you're stifling yourspouse and that's why he or she
is not giving you the emotionthat you want.
(04:46):
But sometimes, kimberly, aperson might be distant
emotionally, not because theyfeel the spouse wouldn't care,
but because of the fact thatthey feel like I need to be
strong enough on my own tohandle this without burdening my
spouse with it.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Yeah, they're trying to just keep it in, push it down
, deal with it, because theydon't want to burden anyone else
, or they feel like they wouldappear weak or, especially for
men, may not feel like the manof the house if they were to
unload whatever that they'redealing with emotionally onto
their wives.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
And that can definitely be a cultural thing,
not just in what part of thecountry and what country you
live in, but how it was withyour dad or your mom or their
parents, et cetera.
It could be handed down throughthe family.
And it's a lonely, lonely pathwhen you feel like you have to
be the one to take care ofeverything.
And it's okay for men to telltheir wives I'm hurting, I'm
(05:43):
scared, I don't know if I canhandle this or not.
It does not indicate that youare not a man.
It doesn't indicate that you'resome kind of weakling.
Everybody needs it.
There are three words, forexample, that we use in the
world in which we deal withaddicts.
One is that everybody wants tofeel secure.
I need to know that you'regoing to be here with me, for me
(06:04):
, and they have to be seen.
I need to know that I matter toyou, that you can communicate
with me, and they need to besoothed.
That means everybody.
I don't care who he or she ispresident of the United States
of America or whatever positionthey have in life.
Everybody at times just needssomebody else to be there for
(06:25):
them and to soothe them.
So we recommend strongly stoptrying to handle it all by
yourself.
If your spouse can and willlisten, share it with him or her
.
But then we're back to thefirst point, which means if your
spouse does that, don't condemn, don't chastise, don't try to
take over and fix it for them.
(06:45):
Be their ally, not theiradversary, and not their
superhero, just their ally.
But sometimes Kimberly emotions, you know, can get distracted
because of just what's going onin life out there.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Right, yes, so a spouse could be checked out
emotionally because there's asituation at work demanding all
of their attention, or there's afamily of origin issue, maybe
with their siblings or theirparents, maybe aging parents,
that they're trying to handleand trying to deal with, and so
they're just emotionally drainedfrom something else in their
life and they come home unableto really connect emotionally
(07:20):
because of how drained they are.
Come home unable to reallyconnect emotionally because of
how drained they are.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
When we first started helping marriages and of course
you know, alice and I took allthe money we had to get it
started and used that money uppretty quickly and so it became
financially stressful to a greatdegree.
And the worst time of year forus in the first two or three
years was always around December, because a lot of people didn't
(07:46):
come to our workshops and etcetera because it was the
holidays and et cetera.
And I would start singing thatMerle Haggard song.
If we make it through December,I'd start singing it toward the
end of November and sing it thewhole month of December and
would be totally distracted bymoney?
Are we going to have enoughmoney to pay the bills?
Can we pay our employees?
Can we do this, can we do that?
(08:07):
And Alice would constantly lookat me when I'm at home saying
are you angry with me aboutsomething?
Are you upset with me?
No, no, no, it's not you at all.
Even though she knew I wasstruggling with the finances and
even though I could talk to herabout it, I still took it on as
such a burden to me.
(08:27):
Now the same thing can happensometimes when somebody that you
love does.
You can be so focused on thatloss that you're not paying any
attention emotionally to yourspouse or your children or
others who matter.
Sometimes it can be when somemajor event in life takes place
that scares you like a recessionor something I mean.
I'm saying sometimes it'sbecause the emotion is being
(08:49):
robbed by something out there.
So what would a spouse do inthat case?
Speaker 3 (08:57):
Well, it still is very similar to points one and
points two that we covered,which is it's being sensitive.
If you are the one feelingcheated on, like they're not
bringing their emotion, they'renot connecting with you
emotionally, then taking someonus on yourself to ask some
non-threatening questions ofwhat are some things going on,
(09:17):
how can I help, help meunderstand why you might be
overwhelmed or feeling the waythat you feel, and then
responding in a way that is asafe place for them to be able
to come and share some of thosethings.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
And another side of that, though, would be sometimes
they just don't want to talkabout it right now, and so
sometimes it's not a matter ofyou asking questions and them
answering.
Sometimes you'll ask questionsand you can see they're just
trying to avoid the subject.
They don't want to talk aboutit right now because it's
overwhelming.
In that case, just be there forthem.
I mean just physically be there,Sit next to them on the sofa
(09:53):
Rock, with them out on the frontporch, take a walk down the
alley Well, not the alley, Iguess that could be a bad thing,
but a walk down the old countrylane and sometimes just allowed
them to process without havingto talk about it out loud,
because some people have toprocess that anxiety inside for
quite a while before they evenknow how to express it.
And so it can be, yes, askingquestions and listening, but it
(10:17):
also can be okay just to let youknow I'm here, period, and when
you get ready to talk about it,I'm here for you In the
meantime.
No, I'm here, I'm here, period.
And when you get ready to talkabout it, I'm here for you In
the meantime.
No, I'm here, I'm not leaving.
I'm not angry with you becauseyou're not talking.
I'm not upset with you becauseof the fact that you seem to be
distracted.
I know that something's goingon, but I am with you.
(10:37):
But then we have to talk aboutone more before we end this up,
and this one's not pleasanteither.
The first one wasn't pleasant,this one's not pleasant.
Sometimes the emotions are notbeing robbed by life or a
situation in life.
Sometimes they're being robbedby.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Another person.
That's right.
They're going to another personand having deep conversations
with them, sharing about theirwants, their fears, their
desires, and maybe at first itstarted at a deep emotional
connection level, but either wayit's signs that something not
good is occurring.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
And therefore it could be, as you were saying, a
person that they have nowdeveloped a strong emotional
connection with, because theyfelt they could share with this
person, and they did, and nowthey're at least having an
emotional affair.
But there's a separate part ofthat same distraction that
doesn't have to do with beingunfaithful.
Sometimes it can be that yourhusband, rather than talking to
(11:48):
you although you're there andyou want him to be there for you
winds up talking instead to hisbrother or his buddy or his dad
, and you think why doesn't hetrust me with what he's trusting
them with?
I feel that he's kind ofcheating on me because of the
fact that he's not letting me bepart of his life, but he's got
this other guy out there that'shelping him, or his mom, who is
(12:09):
the person that he goes towhenever he needs to talk and
he's ignoring me.
Or she is ignoring me becauseshe goes to talk to dad, she
goes to talk to mom, and sostill, those emotions are robbed
from you because they're givento somebody else.
But it's not always out theresomebody who becomes a lover.
It can be somebody else thatthey trust a lot, and you might
be saying, should I feel guiltythat that bothers me.
(12:32):
I don't think you should feelguilty, but here's what you need
to understand.
If they are sharing thoseemotions with someone right now,
then this is the someone theysee as being there for them to
help them be secure, seen andsoothed.
Now, if that's a bad person oran unhealthy relationship, then
something's going to have to bedone to fix it.
(12:53):
But rather than you trying tobe the fixer of that, just
become more and more open andtransparent yourself.
In other words, you model toyour spouse the openness and
transparency that you want themto model with you.
And so if you model thatconsistently even if they don't
share with you to begin with,even if they still continue to
(13:14):
appear to be withholding emotionfrom you you give to them.
Don't overwhelm them, don'tdrown them with it, but model to
them what you want them to dowith you, and then that can
still come back to you.
What you don't want to do is getinto a situation where your
spouse feels that you're tryingto tell him or her they can't
(13:38):
have a relationship with dad ormom or brother or friend,
because if that's where they'regoing for their sustenance when
you try to intervene in thatthey're going to react
negatively to it.
So don't try to intervene inthat.
Try to supplement that by youmodeling what it is that you
(13:59):
want and hopefully then, withtime, that heads back toward you
.
What else should we say aboutthat, kimberly?
Speaker 3 (14:06):
This is important, right?
The emotional connection.
In a previous episode, wetalked about the importance of
emotional attraction, evokingemotions.
Other people feel that theylike to feel, and this is a key
part of that how we respond topeople when they come to us with
things they're struggling withor difficult things, and how we
(14:28):
are that safe place for them tocome to is a really crucial part
of the marriage.
And so, if you feel like yourspouse has checked out
emotionally, consider are therethings or behaviors that you
have done that may haveunintentionally led them to feel
that way and, if so, changethose.
Or maybe you have some of theseother things.
Maybe you're emotionallychecked out and have been
(14:50):
towards them because of work orbecause of another person or any
of the things that we mentioned, any of the things that we
mentioned.
Fix the things that you can andthen be the kind of person that
they could come to and can cometo when they experience times
of need.
So that's the key, and it's areally important not necessarily
easy, but important thing forus to do.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
So you'll have to be patient, patient.
So what do you do if your spouse is checked out
emotionally?
Do you just accept it or do youdo something about it?
Let's talk about that on thisepisode of Relationship Radio.
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam and this isKimberly Holmes, our CEO.
Kimberly, we run into this kindof thing all the time, don't we
?
Where that one spouse seems tohave no emotional connection
(00:20):
with the other spouse.
Now there are several differentreasons for this, not that we
could actually cover all of themin one episode, but let's talk
about some.
And let's start with the onethat people aren't going to like
us talking about, but it'sreally needed to be talked about
because sometimes it's true andpeople don't know it.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
Yes, so sometimes your spouse is checked out
emotionally because you areactually treating them or making
them feel in such a way wherethey can't be open or honest
with you.
Maybe they've come to you andtried to share things, but in
the way that you've reactedprobably not meaning to you've
actually shut them down andpushed them further away, to
where now they feel like theycan't come to you and be open
(01:01):
and honest.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Okay Now don't bail out on us just because you
didn't like what Kimberly said.
Let's be honest, let's act likeadults.
Let's really do someself-examination.
Now, all the rest of the thingswe're going to talk about
really aren't about you, butthis one.
If we're going to be honest, wehave to start here, because
there are so many spouses and wesee it more often in men than
women but so many spouses outthere who have really shut the
(01:24):
other person off from feelingthey can be safe to open up
themselves to you, because ifthey tell you what they feel,
you tell them they should feelsomething differently.
If they tell you what they want, you tell them it's ridiculous
for them to want that.
They should want something else.
If they tell you what theythink about something, you tell
them while they're wrong, etc.
And they finally get to thepoint where it's like I'm not
going to be open and transparentto you.
(01:46):
I'm not going to tell you whatI think, what I feel, what I
believe, what I do, because Iknow when that happens you're
going to judge me.
Now, kimberly, you said theymay not even be aware they're
doing it.
So how can a person becomeaware?
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Well, one way is just by watching your spouse and
their body reaction, their bodylanguage, even the look on their
face when you respond to them,or even just it might not even
be things that other people aresaying.
It could be the lack ofresponse, the lack of looking at
the other person in the eye.
Brene Brown, who is aresearcher, she has a great way
(02:22):
that she talks about this whenit comes to kids, and she talks
about how there was a mom who,when her daughter would walk
into the room, the first look onher face would be one of
disgust when she didn't likewhat her daughter was wearing.
So, instead of it being a hi,good morning, how are you today,
it was a.
Is that what you're wearing?
And that was the first thing.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Even if she didn't say it, she communicated it with
her facial expression.
That's right, and so thedaughter felt rejected.
That's right, even if momdidn't say a word.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
That's right.
That's right, and the mom shewas talking about was her.
It was something that she hadto learn over time that I didn't
realize that's what I wasbringing into it, and I needed
to learn and change my ownawareness.
But even if she were to look ather daughter's face when she
had that look, it was one oflike why do you not like this?
Why do you not like me?
I don't feel accepted or lovedright now, and so, either in the
(03:14):
overt communication that you'rehaving by saying you should be
doing this, that and the otherdifferently, or through just the
body language, tone, look onyour face or lack of responding
to your spouse when they'retrying to talk to you Maybe it's
staying engaged in your phonewhen they're trying to have a
conversation.
If you were to just look atthem, you would be able to tell
more than likely that they don'tfeel like they're getting back
(03:37):
from you what they're needingfrom you.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
And a person can do this because they picked up
those habits from their ownfamily of origin or because of
the fact they might bedistracted and thinking about
something else.
And so the first thing werecommend here is, if your
spouse is emotionallydisconnected from you, try to
examine through his or her eyeswhether they feel that you're
actually available and whetherthat you're being nonjudgmental.
(04:04):
And, as Kimberly said, it's notjust in words, not just in tone
of voice, it's body language,it's facial expressions.
All those things matter.
And so sometimes you canactually get your spouse to be
more open and transparent andconnect with you with a stronger
emotion if they can just feelthat you care and that you
(04:25):
accept them as they are.
Now that's a whole topic that wecan talk about and we can get
into it in great depth.
Right now I'm just going toleave it at that principle.
First of all, check out, bewise, pay attention to see if
perhaps you're stifling yourspouse and that's why he or she
is not giving you the emotionthat you want.
(04:46):
But sometimes, kimberly, aperson might be distant
emotionally, not because theyfeel the spouse wouldn't care,
but because of the fact thatthey feel like I need to be
strong enough on my own tohandle this without burdening my
spouse with it.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Yeah, they're trying to just keep it in, push it down
, deal with it, because theydon't want to burden anyone else
, or they feel like they wouldappear weak or, especially for
men, may not feel like the manof the house if they were to
unload whatever that they'redealing with emotionally onto
their wives.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
And that can definitely be a cultural thing,
not just in what part of thecountry and what country you
live in, but how it was withyour dad or your mom or their
parents, et cetera.
It could be handed down throughthe family.
And it's a lonely, lonely pathwhen you feel like you have to
be the one to take care ofeverything.
And it's okay for men to telltheir wives I'm hurting, I'm
(05:43):
scared, I don't know if I canhandle this or not.
It does not indicate that youare not a man.
It doesn't indicate that you'resome kind of weakling.
Everybody needs it.
There are three words, forexample, that we use in the
world in which we deal withaddicts.
One is that everybody wants tofeel secure.
I need to know that you'regoing to be here with me, for me
(06:04):
, and they have to be seen.
I need to know that I matter toyou, that you can communicate
with me, and they need to besoothed.
That means everybody.
I don't care who he or she ispresident of the United States
of America or whatever positionthey have in life.
Everybody at times just needssomebody else to be there for
(06:25):
them and to soothe them.
So we recommend strongly stoptrying to handle it all by
yourself.
If your spouse can and willlisten, share it with him or her
.
But then we're back to thefirst point, which means if your
spouse does that, don't condemn, don't chastise, don't try to
take over and fix it for them.
(06:45):
Be their ally, not theiradversary, and not their
superhero, just their ally.
But sometimes Kimberly emotions, you know, can get distracted
because of just what's going onin life out there.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Right, yes, so a spouse could be checked out
emotionally because there's asituation at work demanding all
of their attention, or there's afamily of origin issue, maybe
with their siblings or theirparents, maybe aging parents,
that they're trying to handleand trying to deal with, and so
they're just emotionally drainedfrom something else in their
life and they come home unableto really connect emotionally
(07:20):
because of how drained they are.
Come home unable to reallyconnect emotionally because of
how drained they are.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
When we first started helping marriages and of course
you know, alice and I took allthe money we had to get it
started and used that money uppretty quickly and so it became
financially stressful to a greatdegree.
And the worst time of year forus in the first two or three
years was always around December, because a lot of people didn't
(07:46):
come to our workshops and etcetera because it was the
holidays and et cetera.
And I would start singing thatMerle Haggard song.
If we make it through December,I'd start singing it toward the
end of November and sing it thewhole month of December and
would be totally distracted bymoney?
Are we going to have enoughmoney to pay the bills?
Can we pay our employees?
Can we do this, can we do that?
(08:07):
And Alice would constantly lookat me when I'm at home saying
are you angry with me aboutsomething?
Are you upset with me?
No, no, no, it's not you at all.
Even though she knew I wasstruggling with the finances and
even though I could talk to herabout it, I still took it on as
such a burden to me.
(08:27):
Now the same thing can happensometimes when somebody that you
love does.
You can be so focused on thatloss that you're not paying any
attention emotionally to yourspouse or your children or
others who matter.
Sometimes it can be when somemajor event in life takes place
that scares you like a recessionor something I mean.
I'm saying sometimes it'sbecause the emotion is being
(08:49):
robbed by something out there.
So what would a spouse do inthat case?
Speaker 3 (08:57):
Well, it still is very similar to points one and
points two that we covered,which is it's being sensitive.
If you are the one feelingcheated on, like they're not
bringing their emotion, they'renot connecting with you
emotionally, then taking someonus on yourself to ask some
non-threatening questions ofwhat are some things going on,
(09:17):
how can I help, help meunderstand why you might be
overwhelmed or feeling the waythat you feel, and then
responding in a way that is asafe place for them to be able
to come and share some of thosethings.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
And another side of that, though, would be sometimes
they just don't want to talkabout it right now, and so
sometimes it's not a matter ofyou asking questions and them
answering.
Sometimes you'll ask questionsand you can see they're just
trying to avoid the subject.
They don't want to talk aboutit right now because it's
overwhelming.
In that case, just be there forthem.
I mean just physically be there,Sit next to them on the sofa
(09:53):
Rock, with them out on the frontporch, take a walk down the
alley Well, not the alley, Iguess that could be a bad thing,
but a walk down the old countrylane and sometimes just allowed
them to process without havingto talk about it out loud,
because some people have toprocess that anxiety inside for
quite a while before they evenknow how to express it.
And so it can be, yes, askingquestions and listening, but it
(10:17):
also can be okay just to let youknow I'm here, period, and when
you get ready to talk about it,I'm here for you In the
meantime.
No, I'm here, I'm here, period.
And when you get ready to talkabout it, I'm here for you In
the meantime.
No, I'm here, I'm not leaving.
I'm not angry with you becauseyou're not talking.
I'm not upset with you becauseof the fact that you seem to be
distracted.
I know that something's goingon, but I am with you.
(10:37):
But then we have to talk aboutone more before we end this up,
and this one's not pleasanteither.
The first one wasn't pleasant,this one's not pleasant.
Sometimes the emotions are notbeing robbed by life or a
situation in life.
Sometimes they're being robbedby.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
Another person.
That's right.
They're going to another personand having deep conversations
with them, sharing about theirwants, their fears, their
desires, and maybe at first itstarted at a deep emotional
connection level, but either wayit's signs that something not
good is occurring.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
And therefore it could be, as you were saying, a
person that they have nowdeveloped a strong emotional
connection with, because theyfelt they could share with this
person, and they did, and nowthey're at least having an
emotional affair.
But there's a separate part ofthat same distraction that
doesn't have to do with beingunfaithful.
Sometimes it can be that yourhusband, rather than talking to
(11:48):
you although you're there andyou want him to be there for you
winds up talking instead to hisbrother or his buddy or his dad
, and you think why doesn't hetrust me with what he's trusting
them with?
I feel that he's kind ofcheating on me because of the
fact that he's not letting me bepart of his life, but he's got
this other guy out there that'shelping him, or his mom, who is
(12:09):
the person that he goes towhenever he needs to talk and
he's ignoring me.
Or she is ignoring me becauseshe goes to talk to dad, she
goes to talk to mom, and sostill, those emotions are robbed
from you because they're givento somebody else.
But it's not always out theresomebody who becomes a lover.
It can be somebody else thatthey trust a lot, and you might
be saying, should I feel guiltythat that bothers me.
(12:32):
I don't think you should feelguilty, but here's what you need
to understand.
If they are sharing thoseemotions with someone right now,
then this is the someone theysee as being there for them to
help them be secure, seen andsoothed.
Now, if that's a bad person oran unhealthy relationship, then
something's going to have to bedone to fix it.
(12:53):
But rather than you trying tobe the fixer of that, just
become more and more open andtransparent yourself.
In other words, you model toyour spouse the openness and
transparency that you want themto model with you.
And so if you model thatconsistently even if they don't
share with you to begin with,even if they still continue to
(13:14):
appear to be withholding emotionfrom you you give to them.
Don't overwhelm them, don'tdrown them with it, but model to
them what you want them to dowith you, and then that can
still come back to you.
What you don't want to do is getinto a situation where your
spouse feels that you're tryingto tell him or her they can't
(13:38):
have a relationship with dad ormom or brother or friend,
because if that's where they'regoing for their sustenance when
you try to intervene in thatthey're going to react
negatively to it.
So don't try to intervene inthat.
Try to supplement that by youmodeling what it is that you
(13:59):
want and hopefully then, withtime, that heads back toward you
.
What else should we say aboutthat, kimberly?
Speaker 3 (14:06):
This is important, right?
The emotional connection.
In a previous episode, wetalked about the importance of
emotional attraction, evokingemotions.
Other people feel that theylike to feel, and this is a key
part of that how we respond topeople when they come to us with
things they're struggling withor difficult things, and how we
(14:28):
are that safe place for them tocome to is a really crucial part
of the marriage.
And so, if you feel like yourspouse has checked out
emotionally, consider are therethings or behaviors that you
have done that may haveunintentionally led them to feel
that way and, if so, changethose.
Or maybe you have some of theseother things.
Maybe you're emotionallychecked out and have been
(14:50):
towards them because of work orbecause of another person or any
of the things that we mentioned, any of the things that we
mentioned.
Fix the things that you can andthen be the kind of person that
they could come to and can cometo when they experience times
of need.
So that's the key, and it's areally important not necessarily
easy, but important thing forus to do.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
So you'll have to be patient, patient.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.