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The shocking termination of Michigan head coach Sherrone Moore has dominated the headlines, but beneath the sports scandal lies a profound psychological phenomenon: Limerence. In this video, we break down the reports from USA Today and Sports Illustrated to analyze the behavior leading up to Moore’s firing. From the alleged years-long affair to the reports of stalking and the "kitchen scissors" incident, we look at these events through the lens of relationship psychology. Was this just a lapse in judgment, or was it the destructive cycle of limerence?
What You’ll Learn in This Video:
The 3 Stages of Limerence: Understanding Infatuation, Crystallization, and Deterioration.
Why Good People Make Bad Decisions: How brain chemistry changes during an obsessive affair.
The Reality of Stalking in Limerence: Why the person "left behind" often resorts to desperate, unrecognizable behaviors.
Hope for Marriage Recovery: Can a marriage survive a public scandal and limerence? (The answer might surprise you).
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What is limerence in a relationship? Limerence is a state of involuntary obsession with another person. It involves intrusive thoughts, an intense desire for reciprocation, and can lead to irrational behavior that the person wouldn’t normally exhibit.
How long does limerence last? Typically, limerence lasts between 18 months to 3 years. As seen in the Sherrone Moore case, once one partner enters the "deterioration" phase while the other is still in "crystallization," it often leads to conflict or stalking.
Can a marriage survive limerence and an affair? Yes. While the process involves a difficult "grief period" for the unfaithful spouse, many marriages can be rebuilt to be stronger than they were before the affair began.
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Episode Transcript
I've never met Sharon Moore, but I think right
now I probably know more abouthim than he knows about himself.
Now it sounds rather arrogant,does it not?
But let me speak to it this way.
It's been all on the news in thelast couple of weeks that the
University of Michigan firedtheir head football coach,
Sharon Moore.
(00:20):
He had been their head coach fortwo years, making some five and
a half million dollars per year.
And according to all the newsreports like on Sports
Illustrated and USA Today andeven Daily Mail, that
interesting piece of literaturethat comes out of England,
they've had a lot to say abouthim and what's going on.
And here are the facts.
(00:42):
It says simply this he wascaught in an inappropriate
relationship, according to whatthe university had to say, with
one of the staffers, andtherefore he was terminated.
He was terminated, but she wasnot because of the fact that he
was an authority figure and sheworked for him.
And it said that an affair,according to her, had been going
(01:02):
on for several years, and thatshe had ended the affair, and
then that she was actuallypacking to leave town when he
went to her house, and sheclaims that he'd been stalking
her for a couple of months.
Now, one of the headlines Ifound said, rather than saying
it had been going on for severalyears, said it was the best kept
secret there on that campus forthe last two years.
(01:25):
Now let me talk about it in asense.
On this program, we often talkabout a thing called limerence.
Now, I don't know Sheron Moore.
I don't know even know the nameof the woman with whom he was
involved.
Therefore, I cannot tell youthat I know for absolutely sure
that he was in limerence, butI'm telling you all the signs
are there.
So speaking of that, let meexplain what I mean.
(01:48):
You see, they've been involvedfor a couple of years, and
that's going to become importantin what I'm about to say.
And then finally she broke itoff with him, and he began to
stalk her.
According to her, for at leasttwo months, maybe a little bit
longer, he'd been stalking her.
He'd been contacting her invarious ways, texts apparently,
emails, apparently, phone calls,apparently, and she was getting
(02:10):
very tired of it.
And then finally she told theuniversity what was going on.
And when she did, theyterminated him.
Now he goes to her house, thedoor's unlocked, so he barges
in, and instantly, or at leastimmediately, I should say,
gathered a group of butterknives, which are typically not
(02:30):
very dangerous, and a pair ofkitchen scissors, and then began
to threaten that he was going tokill himself because she had
ruined his life and that hisblood was on her ends.
Now I'm reporting all of thatfrom what I read in the news,
USA Today, Sports Illustrated,uh even on Google looking up
things there.
(02:52):
Now, why do I think that'slimerence?
Because everything seems to fit.
And it's also going to help usunderstand as we start into the
program today, some of the keythings about limerence that we
don't talk about that much, butthat people need to understand.
Now, limerence occurs typicallygradually.
It says she was involved withthem for several years, but when
(03:14):
we finally get down to it, theysaid two years, and that's about
right.
They got involved with eachother, and it gradually grew
into the point of having anaffair, which meant that he
obviously cared about her.
You say, Well, how do you knowthat?
Because of the fact that he wasso distraught when she ended it
that he started stalking her.
(03:35):
He was pursuing her.
Because you see, when you go tothat first stage of limerence,
which we call infatuation, yougo from being not in limerence
up to being in limerence, andit's a pretty varied path as to
how you get there.
It gets stronger more and moreas you go through it, and the
person that goes into ittypically the first and the
(03:55):
fastest will be the one that'llcome out of it the first and
fastest as well on the otherside.
Then you get to that middlestate, which we call
crystallization, which is prettyintense, and then finally it
will become a state calleddeterioration.
We have said that on thisprogram many times, that
eventually limerence will fade.
It's actually a biologicalnecessity when you think about
(04:16):
it because it becomes soobsessive.
Now I'm going to guess, based onwhat we know about limerence,
having worked with thousands andthousands of couples, that she
was the one that went in first.
Now he had been married aboutten years at this point.
He has three children, theoldest of whom was about six, I
would say.
Oh, and by the way, his wife isstill with him.
(04:38):
On Sunday, he they got picturesof him going to his lawyer's
office, and they had theyoungest child who is very young
in a stroller, and that she waswalking with him, although just
a little bit behind him.
But so far, so far his wifeappears to be staying with him.
All right, now back to thelimerick thing.
It goes on for a while andeventually she starts coming out
(04:58):
of it.
Two years?
Not unusual.
As a matter of fact, it may havebeen going on for another year
beyond that, that most peopledidn't know about it, because it
typically doesn't get caughtimmediately.
So let's say in our guessinghere, it was about three years,
and now she goes intodeterioration.
She's no longer feeling allthose intense emotions about
him.
(05:18):
And he, because he's stillapparently in phase two of
crystallization, does everythinghe can to get her back.
And so now he's stalking her.
You say, does that stalkingthing always happen?
Pretty much.
I can't say that it'll happen inevery situation, and I can't I
certainly can't say it willhappen as intensely as it did in
(05:40):
this situation.
But yeah, it happens quite abit.
I'm gonna do everything I can topull you back, because typically
the person that goes out first,as I said, is the one that goes
in first, and the other person,in this case it would be the
coach, went in slower than she,if we're predicting this
accurately.
And she probably pulled him backinto it a few times when he
(06:01):
would try to get out when it wasfirst beginning to develop.
Now, do I know that for a fact?
No, but I'm telling you I haveseen that, I have witnessed that
so many times, that uh if I hadto place money on it, I would
bet a big amount of money.
That's exactly what happened onthat side.
And now on the other side, thethird side, where they're coming
(06:22):
out of it.
He's doing everything he can toget her back.
And notice that everything hedoes is pushing her further
away.
Now we don't have time right nowto talk about the principle of
push and pull because it's notpart of this story right now,
but everything he does to gether back speeds her up on her
way from on her way away fromhim to the point where finally
(06:43):
she's gonna stop him.
I'm not living with thisanymore.
And the way she does that, shecalls the university and tells
them what's been going on.
Now, obviously that puts herreputation in jeopardy, but
interestingly it doesn't put herjob in jeopardy because of the
fact that he is her supervisor,and by their rules of that
university, he now bears aresponsibility because he had
(07:05):
authority over her.
And so he's fired.
He said, But what about thisbizarre thing?
He's got these catchingscissors.
He says, I'm gonna kill myself,and all the blood is on your
hands.
It was the last desperate moveto try to convince her to come
back to him.
Did it work?
No, it never works.
(07:25):
What did it cause?
Well, she picked up the phoneand called for the police, and
therefore he either was gonnakill himself on the spot, which
sometimes happens, or he wouldkill her, which sometimes
happens, or he would flee.
So thank God he was not soimmersed into phase two, the
(07:46):
crystallization that he killedher or killed himself, because
sometimes that occurs.
Here in Nashville a few yearsago, a very well-known
situation, again involvingfootball, where that that she,
the one who was still inlimerence when he was coming out
of it, she killed him and shekilled herself.
(08:08):
Now that kind of thing happens.
And you say, Why are you tellingus this?
Because I want you to know thatlimerence always ends.
And that even people that beforewere rational, that were
logical, that that had goodconcern for themselves and had
good ways of thinking aboutlife.
I mean, people that were goodpeople.
I don't know Sharon, I don'tknow if people were good or bad,
(08:30):
but even good people cansometimes get so mixed up in
this and become people that theythemselves don't recognize.
And part of it has to do withthe brain chemicals that start
changing because of thislimerence.
So, what would be my message toSharon and to his wife?
It's this there will be a way toget past this.
(08:50):
Now, you may not coach football,or maybe you will at some
smaller school at some point,but I wouldn't worry about that
right now.
The thing to worry about is thishelping him heal.
He will have to go through agrief process.
And if she wants to save themarriage, which we would help
them do, if if they call uponus, we'll be happy to help them
(09:11):
do, then she's gonna have tohelp him grieve what he's lost.
Oh, I know it doesn't sound fairand it's not fair.
And you think, how in the worldcan anybody do that?
We've helped a lot of people doit.
And believe it or not, themarriage can be better after all
this than it was before.
Did he do wrong?
Yes.
Did he magnify it by thestalking and pursuing and the
(09:34):
kitchen scissors?
Yes.
But all of us is stillrescuable.
So here's the point I want youto hear.
If your spouse is in limerenceand doing things you have never
expected him or her to do, andthey're doing it now and you're
thinking, I don't know thisperson anymore, the answer is
you're right.
You don't.
(09:55):
But almost always that goodperson is still in there.
If you can just wait a littlewhile, and if you believe the
good person is still in there,we can help them get out of
that.
Or if you're somebody who'swatching this and you're the one
in limerence, whatever phaseyou're in, the first one where
you're going into limerence,infatuation, the second one
where you're deeply in limitlimerence crystallization, or
(10:17):
the third one when you're comingout, deterioration.
It's not going to end the wayyou want it to.
It's gonna be painful.
If you're the first one out, orif you're the second one out,
it's painfully the way.
But we're experts in helpingpeople deal with that.
I myself lived through all ofthose things years ago.
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