August 6, 2025 • 25 mins
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You betrayed your spouse—and now you're living with the crushing weight of guilt, fear, and regret. Whether it was a one-time mistake or a long-term affair, you're asking the one question that keeps you up at night: Can I save my marriage... and if so, how?
In this video, Dr. Joe Beam—founder of Marriage Helper and a man who has personally walked the painful path of infidelity—shares the exact steps thousands of people have taken to rebuild trust, restore connection, and ultimately save their marriage after betrayal.
You’ll learn:
- Why affairs happen (and why understanding this matters)
- The 5 proven steps to begin healing and restoring your marriage
- How to take full responsibility without excuses
- Why ending contact with your affair partner is essential
- What transparency and personal transformation really look like
- How to rebuild emotional and physical intimacy over time
Dr. Beam has helped thousands of couples recover from even the deepest wounds, and this video is your first step toward hope and healing. Whether your spouse is ready to reconcile or still resistant, there is a way forward.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're watching this video because you've done
something that's tearing youapart inside.
You've betrayed the person youpromised to love and honor above
all others.
You've had an affair.
Maybe it was a single night ofweakness, or maybe it was months
or even years of emotional andphysical involvement with
(00:20):
someone else.
And now, sitting in thewreckage of broken trust, you're
desperately asking yourself canI save my marriage?
And, if it's possible, how?
How do I save it?
Well, if you want to save yourmarriage, you might find
yourself somehow still lyingawake at night, your mind racing
(00:42):
between memories of your affairpartner and the devastating
reality of what you've done toyour family.
Maybe you're still torn.
Part of you misses your affairpartner, the excitement, the
passion, the way that it madeyou feel alive again.
But you feel guilty evenadmitting that.
But it's true.
Then you look at your spouse,the person who built a life with
(01:06):
you, who trusted you completely, and you feel regret and love
and the desperate desire tosomehow undo what apparently
cannot be undone.
That fear can be paralyzingFear that it's too late, fear
that your spouse will neverforgive you.
Fear that your children willhate you.
(01:27):
Fear that you destroyed notonly your marriage but your
entire family.
You're afraid that, even ifyour spouse saves, they'll never
trust you again, never love youthe same way, never look at you
without seeing your betrayal.
If you feel that way, stay withme.
I'm going to explain to you howyou can overcome this and save
(01:49):
your marriage.
But here's what you need tounderstand before we go any
further.
Affairs don't happen in avacuum.
I'm not excusing what you did.
There's no excuse for betrayingyour marriage vows, but if
you're going to rebuild yourmarriage, you have to understand
why you were vulnerable to thistemptation in the first place.
(02:11):
Maybe your marriage had growncold and distant.
Maybe you felt unappreciated,unloved or taken for granted.
Maybe you were dealing with alife crisis or depression or
major life stress.
Maybe you were seekingvalidation, excitement or an
escape from responsibility.
(02:31):
Maybe your affair partner madeyou feel attractive, interesting
or important in ways that youhadn't felt in years.
Understanding why you had theaffair isn't about shifting
blame.
It's about identifying thevulnerabilities in your marriage
that need to be addressed sothis can never happen again.
(02:51):
Because here's the truth Unlessyou and your spouse address the
underlying issues that made yoususceptible to the affair,
you'll rebuild your marriage ona foundation that's still
cracked and, even if you thinkit's not possible, you may be
susceptible to having anotherone.
Now, before I start sharinganswers, let's briefly talk
(03:14):
about the impact of your affair.
Now I'm not trying to beat youup or lead you to feel more pain
than you do.
I simply want to make sure thatyou don't diminish in your mind
the need to do what needs to bedone to repair your
relationship.
So I'm going to be tough for aminute or two.
Please stay with me.
Don't let your own pain orguilt turn me off.
(03:36):
Please face the full scope ofwhat your affair has done.
Your spouse isn't just hurt,they're shattered.
Affair has done.
Your spouse isn't just hurt,they're shattered.
They're questioning everythingthey thought they knew about you
, about your marriage, aboutthemselves.
They're wondering if anythingyou ever said was true.
They're replaying every moment,every lie, every deception, and
(03:58):
it's torture.
They're grieving not just theloss of their marriage as they
knew it, but the loss of theirtrust, their security, their
sense of self-worth.
They may be experiencingsymptoms similar to PTSD
intrusive thoughts, nightmares,panic attacks, inability to
concentrate.
They may be cycling throughanger, depression, bargaining
(04:22):
and despair multiple times a day.
Cycling through anger,depression, bargaining and
despair multiple times a day,and if you have children,
they're affected too.
Even if they don't know thedetails, children are incredibly
perceptive.
They sense the tension, thearguments, the tears.
They may blame themselves fortheir parents' problems.
They may develop anxiety, heckout at school or withdraw
(04:43):
emotionally.
You may develop anxiety, packout at school or withdraw
emotionally.
Your affair hasn't justimpacted your marriage.
It's created ripple effectsthat touch everyone you love.
Now we're ready to give you someanswers, but I think I need to
take one more minute before Igive you the roadmap for saving
a marriage, and take that minuteto introduce myself.
(05:05):
I'm Dr Joe Beam and I foundedMarriage Helper International
because I understand thatdevastation of marital crisis,
not just professionally butpersonally.
I once was where you are.
By the grace of God, alice andI saved our marriage and are
happily married and much in loveof God.
(05:25):
Alice and I saved our marriageand are happily married and much
in love.
But I want you to know myknowledge isn't just from my
life experience.
I spent years getting the righteducation as well, and over the
past three decades I've helpedsave thousands of marriages that
seemed hopeless.
I've worked where couples wereinfidelity, addiction and abuse
had seemingly destroyed anychance of reconciliation.
(05:45):
I've sat across from spouseswho swore they would never
forgive, never trust again,never love again, and I've
watched those same couplesrebuild marriages that are
stronger than they ever werebefore.
I'm not just a purist spoutingpsychology textbook advice.
I'm a man who has walkedthrough his own marital crisis,
(06:07):
who has seen the depths of humanbrokenness and the incredible
capacity for healing andtransformation.
I've developed provenmethodologies that work, not
because they're based on wishfulthinking, but because they're
grounded in research, experienceand thousands of success
(06:28):
stories.
I've written books, conductedresearch studies and trained
therapists and counselors.
But, more importantly, I've satin rooms with couples who
thought their marriages wereover and watched them emerge
with relationships that weremore authentic, more passionate
and more resilient than everbefore.
(06:49):
Now, the five steps I'm about toshare with you aren't theory.
They are proven paths, pathwaysthat I've guided thousands of
couples through.
They work, but only if you'rewilling to do the hard work of
genuine transformation.
Now the first step is thehardest and the most crucial.
(07:13):
You must take complete,unqualified responsibility for
your affair.
Not partial responsibility, notresponsibility with
explanations or justifications.
Complete responsibility thismeans no more statements like
well, I wouldn't have had theaffair if you'd paid more
attention to me or I was lonelybecause you were always working
(07:35):
or you stopped beingaffectionate.
Those statements may containelements of truth about problems
in your marriage, but theycannot be part of how you take
responsibility for your affair.
Your affair was your choice.
You chose to be unfaithful.
You chose to lie.
You chose to betray your spouseand your family.
No one forced you.
Nothing your spouse did ordidn't do made the affair
(08:01):
inevitable.
You had other options.
You could have talked to yourspouse, sought counseling,
worked on your marriage or evenasked for separation.
Instead, you chose infidelity.
Taking complete responsibilityserves both you emotional needs
and your spouse's emotionalneeds, and for you, it stops the
exhausting mental gymnastics oftrying to justify your actions.
(08:23):
It allows you to move fromdefensiveness to genuine remorse
.
It frees you from the prison ofself-deception and allows you
to begin authentic healing.
For your spouse, your completeacceptance of responsibility is
the first glimmer of hope thatyou might actually be someone
they can trust again someday.
(08:43):
It shows them that youunderstand the magnitude of what
you've done.
It validates their pain andbegins to restore their sense of
reality.
And if you have children,taking complete responsibility
models accountability andintegrity.
It teaches them that people canface their mistakes honestly
(09:04):
and work to make amends.
Now the second step is to endall contact with your affair
partner.
I know that sounds obvious, butit's often where people stumble
.
You must end all contact withyour affair partner completely,
immediately and permanently.
This means no phone calls, notext, no emails, no social media
(09:25):
connections, no checking to seehow they're doing, no meetings,
just as friends.
And if you work with youraffair partner, you need to
change jobs or departments if atall possible.
Now, if that's absolutelyimpossible, you need to have
zero personal interaction beyondwhat's required professionally
and your spouse needs to beaware of any necessary work
(09:48):
interactions.
I know it's hard.
You may have genuine feelingsfor your affair partner.
You may be worried abouthurting them, you may miss them
terribly, and these feelings arereal, but they cannot dictate
your actions.
You cannot rebuild trust withyour spouse while maintaining
any connection to the person youwould trade them with Now.
(10:11):
This step addresses youremotional need for clarity and
commitment.
As long as you maintain contactwith your affair partner, a
part of your heart and mind willremain conflicted with your
affair partner.
A part of your heart and mindwill remain conflicted.
You'll be trying to rebuildyour marriage while still
holding on to at least a part ofyour affair, and that's
impossible For your spouse.
(10:31):
Your complete disconnectionfrom your affair partner is
essential for their healing.
They need to know that you'vechosen them completely and
without reservation.
Any ongoing attack with youraffair partner will be perceived
as a continued betrayal andwill prevent their healing
process.
And your children need to seethat you're committed to your
(10:54):
family.
They need the security ofknowing that you're not divided
in your loyalties and thatyou're fighting for your
family's unity.
Now the third step becomecompletely transparent.
You see, transparency is theopposite of the secrecy that
made your affair possible, andso, for as long as it takes to
(11:14):
rebuild trust, you must live allyour life like an open book.
This means your spouse hasaccess to your phone, your email
, your social media accounts,your work schedule, your
whereabouts, everything you needto volunteer information, not
wait to be asked.
Tell your spouse where you'regoing, who you'll be with, when
(11:36):
you'll be back, check inregularly when you're away,
share passwords willingly,answer questions honestly, even
when the truth is painful orembarrassing.
This level of transparency mayfeel overwhelming or intrusive,
but it's absolutely necessary.
You gave up your right toprivacy when you chose to have
(11:59):
an affair.
Now you must earn back theright to be trusted, and that
requires complete openness.
For you, transparencyeliminates the exhausting burden
of keeping track of lies anddeceptions.
It forces you to live withintegrity and makes future
deception much more difficult.
It's emotionally freeing to nothave to hide anything, and for
(12:23):
your spouse, your transparencyis evidence that you have
nothing to hide.
It allows them to beginrebuilding trust gradually.
Every time you voluntarilyshare information or give them
access to something, you'remaking a deposit in their trust
account.
And your children benefit fromseeing a family where there are
no secrets, where parentscommunicate openly and honestly.
(12:46):
This creates a sense ofsecurity and teaches them
healthy relationship patterns.
Now the fourth step is do theinternal work.
Saving a marriage isn't justabout changing your behavior.
It's about transformingyourself internally.
You need to understand why youare vulnerable to an affair and
(13:07):
address those underlying issues.
This might mean individualtherapy to deal with depression,
anxiety or trauma.
It might mean addressingaddictive behaviors, learning
healthy coping mechanisms.
Addressing addictive behaviors,learning healthy coping
mechanisms or developing bettercommunication skills.
It might mean spiritual orpersonal development work to
clarify your values andstrengthen your character.
(13:29):
You need to become the personyour spouse fell in love with or
, better yet, become the personyou were always meant to be.
This isn't about faking changeto manipulate your spouse's
understanding.
It's about genuinetransformation that makes you
someone worthy of trust and love.
This internal work addressesyour deep emotional need for
(13:54):
healing and growth.
Affairs often happen when peopleare running from themselves,
trying to escape pain oremptiness through external
relationships.
True healing requires facingwhatever you are running from
and dealing with it honestly andfor your spouse, seeing you do
(14:14):
serious internal workdemonstrates that you're
committed to change, not justsorry you got caught.
It gives them hope that you'rebecoming someone who won't
betray them again.
Your children need to see thatpeople can change and grow, that
bad decisions and bad actionsdon't define us permanently.
Your transformation becomes apowerful example of redemption
(14:39):
and personal responsibility.
Now the fifth step patientlyrebuild intimacy powerful
example of redemption andpersonal responsibility.
Now the fifth step patientlyrebuild intimacy.
You see, the final step is thelongest and perhaps the most
challenging rebuilding intimacywith your spouse.
This isn't just about physicalintimacy.
It's about emotional, spiritualand relational connection.
You need to court your spouseagain, but not the way you did
(15:02):
when you first met Right.
You need to court them assomeone who has been deeply
wounded by betrayal.
This requires infinite patience, creativity and persistence.
Start with small gestures oflove and service.
Write notes, bring flowers, dothoughtful things without
expecting anything in return.
Listen more than you talk.
(15:25):
Ask about their feelings andfears without becoming defensive
.
Show interest in their world,their thoughts, their dreams.
Now be prepared for rejection.
Your spouse may not want youraffection or attention, at least
not initially.
They may test you to see ifyour changes are real.
They may have good days and baddays, sometimes within the same
(15:48):
hour.
Your job is to be consistent,patient and loving, regardless
of their response.
You see, this step addressesyour need for connection and
love, but in a healthy way thatprioritizes your spouse's
healing over your own desires.
It teaches you to lovesacrificially, to give without
(16:13):
expecting immediate returns, andfor your spouse, your patient
pursuit demonstrates genuinelove rather than guilt or
manipulation.
It allows them to heal at theirown pace while experiencing
your commitment to therelationship.
And your children need to seewhat real love looks like Love
that persists through difficulty, love that fights for the
family, love that is patient andkind even when it's not
(16:37):
reciprocated immediately.
Now these five steps are justthe beginning of the process
we've perfected at MarriageHelper International Over the
years and that's over 30 years,by the way.
We've helped thousands ofcouples navigate the complex
journey from betrayal torestoration, and we know what
(16:59):
works and what doesn't.
Our approach is differentbecause it's comprehensive.
We don't just focus onforgiveness or communication.
We address the deep, underlyingissues that led to the crisis
in the first place.
We help couples rebuild theirmarriage on a foundation that's
stronger than what they hadbefore.
(17:20):
We understand the uniquedynamics of infidelity recovery.
We know how to help betrayedspouses move from devastation to
healing.
We know how to help couplesrebuild intimacy and create
marriages that are fair proof.
The investment in our program issignificant.
This isn't a cheap, quick fix,but consider the alternative
(17:45):
Divorce attorneys will cost youtens of thousands of dollars,
and that's just the financialcost.
The emotional cost of divorceis immeasurable the pain of
losing your family, the impacton your children, the loneliness
, the regret.
Our program crosses a factionof what you spend on divorce and
, instead of ending yourmarriage, it can help save it.
(18:07):
Instead of destroying yourfamily, it can help save it.
Instead of destroying yourfamily, it can help heal it.
Instead of creating more painand regress, it can help you
create hope and restoration.
Now I kind of referred to this aminute ago, but let me say it
again.
I need to prepare you forsomething.
Your spouse may not want towork on the marriage.
They may be so hurt, so angry,so done with the relationship,
(18:29):
that they want nothing to dowith counseling or restoration
efforts.
Now this resistance iscompletely understandable.
They've been betrayed by theperson they trusted most.
They may see a desire to workon the marriage as another form
of manipulation.
They may believe that divorceis their only path to safety and
(18:49):
peace.
Now, if your spouse isresistant, don't give up.
Don't pressure them ormanipulate them.
Instead, focus on your owntransformation.
Show them through your actions,not your words, that you're
changing.
Be patient with their healingprocess.
Sometimes the most powerfulthing you can do is give them
(19:10):
space while consistentlydemonstrating your commitment to
change.
Now, many of the couples thatwe've helped started with one
reluctant spouse, but as theunfaithful spouse began genuine
transformation, the betrayedspouse started to see hope for
the first time since the affairwas discovered.
They began to believe thatmaybe, just maybe, their
(19:34):
marriage could be saved.
Now here's what I hope that youunderstand.
While these five steps that Ijust gave you are essential,
trying to navigate marriagerestoration on your own is like
trying to perform surgery onyourself it's possible in theory
, but extremely difficult andpotentially dangerous in
(19:56):
practice.
Our Marriage Help Board shop isbasically designed for couples
in crisis, particularly afterinfidelity, and in just three
intensive days, we'll guide youand your spouse through a proven
process that addresses everyaspect of your marital crisis.
Now, if your spouse will comewith you, the couples workshop
(20:20):
is incredibly powerful.
You'll work together withexpert guidance to understand
what happened, why it happenedand how to rebuild.
You'll learn new communicationskills, develop strategies for
rebuilding trust and create aplan for moving forward together
.
If your spouse won't come, aworkshop for solo spouses is
(20:42):
still highly effective.
You'll learn how to navigatethe restoration process, even
when you're working alone.
You'll learn how to navigatethe restoration process even
when you're working alone.
You'll understand how torespond to your spouse's
emotions and behaviors in waysthat promote healing rather than
more damage.
You'll develop strategies fordemonstrating genuine change and
(21:02):
creating an environment wherereconciliation becomes possible.
Actually, many of our solospouse attendees eventually see
their resistant spouse becomewilling to work on the marriage.
When you change how youapproach the situation, you
often change the entire dynamicof the relationship.
(21:23):
Now, one of those commonquestions we get is how do I get
my spouse to come to theworkshop?
The good news is that we'vedeveloped effective ethical
methods for helping reluctantspouses see the value of
attending.
We never use manipulation, wenever pressure.
(21:43):
Instead, we help you understandwhat your spouse needs to feel
safe enough to attend.
We coach you on how to approachthem, what to say and what not
to say.
We help you create anenvironment where they can
choose to attend without feelingcoerced or tricked.
You see, when you approach yourspouse the right way, with the
(22:05):
right heart and the right words,they often recognize that the
workshop represents hope orhealing, not just another
opportunity for disappointment.
Well, I want to leave you withthis truth your marriage is
worth fighting for.
Yes, you've made terribledecisions and committed terrible
(22:27):
actions.
Yes, you've caused immense pain.
Yes, the road ahead isdifficult, but thousands of
couples who are in situations asbad as or worse than yours have
not only saved their marriages,but created relationships that
are more beautiful than theyever imagined possible.
Your spouse is worth fightingfor.
(22:49):
Your children are worthfighting for your spouse is
worth fighting for, yourchildren are worth fighting for.
Your family is worth fightingfor and despite what you've done
, you are worth fighting for too.
The path forward requirescourage, commitment and the
right guidance.
You've already shown courage bywatching this video and
considering working on yourmarriage instead of giving up.
(23:11):
Now you need to take the nextstep.
Don't wait another day.
Don't let fear or shame keepyou paralyzed.
Don't assume it's too late.
Every day you delay is anotherday of pain for your spouse,
another day of instability foryour children, another day of
moving further away fromrestoration.
(23:33):
Contact Marriage HelperInternational today at
marriagehelpercom slash call.
Our trained advisors will talkwith you about your specific
situation and help you develop aplan for moving forward.
They'll guide you on how toapproach your spouse about
attending the workshop.
They'll answer your questions.
(23:53):
This phone call could be theturning point in your marriage.
It could be the moment you lookback on years from now as the
beginning of your family'shealing and restoration.
But only if you make the call,your marriage can be saved, your
family can be healed, yourspouse can learn to trust you
(24:13):
again, your children can seetheir parents fight for their
family and win.
But it starts with you makingthe decision to reach out for
help.
Go to marriagehelpercom slashcall right now.
Don't wait until your spousefiles for divorce or until the
pain becomes unbearable.
The time to act is now.
(24:34):
Your marriage is worth saving,your family is worth fighting
for and, with the right help,you can build something
beautiful from the ashes of whatseems destroyed.
Make the call today destroyed.
Make the call today.
Your future self, your spouseand your children will thank you
for having the courage to takethis step toward healing and
(24:57):
restoration.
Now remember this is not justabout saving a marriage.
It's about becoming the personyou were always meant to be,
creating a family you've alwaysdreamed of and building a love
story that will inspire otherswho are facing their own marital
crisis.
The journey starts with asingle step.
(25:19):
Please take that step today.
You're watching this video because you've done
something that's tearing youapart inside.
You've betrayed the person youpromised to love and honor above
all others.
You've had an affair.
Maybe it was a single night ofweakness, or maybe it was months
or even years of emotional andphysical involvement with
(00:20):
someone else.
And now, sitting in thewreckage of broken trust, you're
desperately asking yourself canI save my marriage?
And, if it's possible, how?
How do I save it?
Well, if you want to save yourmarriage, you might find
yourself somehow still lyingawake at night, your mind racing
(00:42):
between memories of your affairpartner and the devastating
reality of what you've done toyour family.
Maybe you're still torn.
Part of you misses your affairpartner, the excitement, the
passion, the way that it madeyou feel alive again.
But you feel guilty evenadmitting that.
But it's true.
Then you look at your spouse,the person who built a life with
(01:06):
you, who trusted you completely, and you feel regret and love
and the desperate desire tosomehow undo what apparently
cannot be undone.
That fear can be paralyzingFear that it's too late, fear
that your spouse will neverforgive you.
Fear that your children willhate you.
(01:27):
Fear that you destroyed notonly your marriage but your
entire family.
You're afraid that, even ifyour spouse saves, they'll never
trust you again, never love youthe same way, never look at you
without seeing your betrayal.
If you feel that way, stay withme.
I'm going to explain to you howyou can overcome this and save
(01:49):
your marriage.
But here's what you need tounderstand before we go any
further.
Affairs don't happen in avacuum.
I'm not excusing what you did.
There's no excuse for betrayingyour marriage vows, but if
you're going to rebuild yourmarriage, you have to understand
why you were vulnerable to thistemptation in the first place.
(02:11):
Maybe your marriage had growncold and distant.
Maybe you felt unappreciated,unloved or taken for granted.
Maybe you were dealing with alife crisis or depression or
major life stress.
Maybe you were seekingvalidation, excitement or an
escape from responsibility.
(02:31):
Maybe your affair partner madeyou feel attractive, interesting
or important in ways that youhadn't felt in years.
Understanding why you had theaffair isn't about shifting
blame.
It's about identifying thevulnerabilities in your marriage
that need to be addressed sothis can never happen again.
(02:51):
Because here's the truth Unlessyou and your spouse address the
underlying issues that made yoususceptible to the affair,
you'll rebuild your marriage ona foundation that's still
cracked and, even if you thinkit's not possible, you may be
susceptible to having anotherone.
Now, before I start sharinganswers, let's briefly talk
(03:14):
about the impact of your affair.
Now I'm not trying to beat youup or lead you to feel more pain
than you do.
I simply want to make sure thatyou don't diminish in your mind
the need to do what needs to bedone to repair your
relationship.
So I'm going to be tough for aminute or two.
Please stay with me.
Don't let your own pain orguilt turn me off.
(03:36):
Please face the full scope ofwhat your affair has done.
Your spouse isn't just hurt,they're shattered.
Affair has done.
Your spouse isn't just hurt,they're shattered.
They're questioning everythingthey thought they knew about you
, about your marriage, aboutthemselves.
They're wondering if anythingyou ever said was true.
They're replaying every moment,every lie, every deception, and
(03:58):
it's torture.
They're grieving not just theloss of their marriage as they
knew it, but the loss of theirtrust, their security, their
sense of self-worth.
They may be experiencingsymptoms similar to PTSD
intrusive thoughts, nightmares,panic attacks, inability to
concentrate.
They may be cycling throughanger, depression, bargaining
(04:22):
and despair multiple times a day.
Cycling through anger,depression, bargaining and
despair multiple times a day,and if you have children,
they're affected too.
Even if they don't know thedetails, children are incredibly
perceptive.
They sense the tension, thearguments, the tears.
They may blame themselves fortheir parents' problems.
They may develop anxiety, heckout at school or withdraw
(04:43):
emotionally.
You may develop anxiety, packout at school or withdraw
emotionally.
Your affair hasn't justimpacted your marriage.
It's created ripple effectsthat touch everyone you love.
Now we're ready to give you someanswers, but I think I need to
take one more minute before Igive you the roadmap for saving
a marriage, and take that minuteto introduce myself.
(05:05):
I'm Dr Joe Beam and I foundedMarriage Helper International
because I understand thatdevastation of marital crisis,
not just professionally butpersonally.
I once was where you are.
By the grace of God, alice andI saved our marriage and are
happily married and much in loveof God.
(05:25):
Alice and I saved our marriageand are happily married and much
in love.
But I want you to know myknowledge isn't just from my
life experience.
I spent years getting the righteducation as well, and over the
past three decades I've helpedsave thousands of marriages that
seemed hopeless.
I've worked where couples wereinfidelity, addiction and abuse
had seemingly destroyed anychance of reconciliation.
(05:45):
I've sat across from spouseswho swore they would never
forgive, never trust again,never love again, and I've
watched those same couplesrebuild marriages that are
stronger than they ever werebefore.
I'm not just a purist spoutingpsychology textbook advice.
I'm a man who has walkedthrough his own marital crisis,
(06:07):
who has seen the depths of humanbrokenness and the incredible
capacity for healing andtransformation.
I've developed provenmethodologies that work, not
because they're based on wishfulthinking, but because they're
grounded in research, experienceand thousands of success
(06:28):
stories.
I've written books, conductedresearch studies and trained
therapists and counselors.
But, more importantly, I've satin rooms with couples who
thought their marriages wereover and watched them emerge
with relationships that weremore authentic, more passionate
and more resilient than everbefore.
(06:49):
Now, the five steps I'm about toshare with you aren't theory.
They are proven paths, pathwaysthat I've guided thousands of
couples through.
They work, but only if you'rewilling to do the hard work of
genuine transformation.
Now the first step is thehardest and the most crucial.
(07:13):
You must take complete,unqualified responsibility for
your affair.
Not partial responsibility, notresponsibility with
explanations or justifications.
Complete responsibility thismeans no more statements like
well, I wouldn't have had theaffair if you'd paid more
attention to me or I was lonelybecause you were always working
(07:35):
or you stopped beingaffectionate.
Those statements may containelements of truth about problems
in your marriage, but theycannot be part of how you take
responsibility for your affair.
Your affair was your choice.
You chose to be unfaithful.
You chose to lie.
You chose to betray your spouseand your family.
No one forced you.
Nothing your spouse did ordidn't do made the affair
(08:01):
inevitable.
You had other options.
You could have talked to yourspouse, sought counseling,
worked on your marriage or evenasked for separation.
Instead, you chose infidelity.
Taking complete responsibilityserves both you emotional needs
and your spouse's emotionalneeds, and for you, it stops the
exhausting mental gymnastics oftrying to justify your actions.
(08:23):
It allows you to move fromdefensiveness to genuine remorse
.
It frees you from the prison ofself-deception and allows you
to begin authentic healing.
For your spouse, your completeacceptance of responsibility is
the first glimmer of hope thatyou might actually be someone
they can trust again someday.
(08:43):
It shows them that youunderstand the magnitude of what
you've done.
It validates their pain andbegins to restore their sense of
reality.
And if you have children,taking complete responsibility
models accountability andintegrity.
It teaches them that people canface their mistakes honestly
(09:04):
and work to make amends.
Now the second step is to endall contact with your affair
partner.
I know that sounds obvious, butit's often where people stumble
.
You must end all contact withyour affair partner completely,
immediately and permanently.
This means no phone calls, notext, no emails, no social media
(09:25):
connections, no checking to seehow they're doing, no meetings,
just as friends.
And if you work with youraffair partner, you need to
change jobs or departments if atall possible.
Now, if that's absolutelyimpossible, you need to have
zero personal interaction beyondwhat's required professionally
and your spouse needs to beaware of any necessary work
(09:48):
interactions.
I know it's hard.
You may have genuine feelingsfor your affair partner.
You may be worried abouthurting them, you may miss them
terribly, and these feelings arereal, but they cannot dictate
your actions.
You cannot rebuild trust withyour spouse while maintaining
any connection to the person youwould trade them with Now.
(10:11):
This step addresses youremotional need for clarity and
commitment.
As long as you maintain contactwith your affair partner, a
part of your heart and mind willremain conflicted with your
affair partner.
A part of your heart and mindwill remain conflicted.
You'll be trying to rebuildyour marriage while still
holding on to at least a part ofyour affair, and that's
impossible For your spouse.
(10:31):
Your complete disconnectionfrom your affair partner is
essential for their healing.
They need to know that you'vechosen them completely and
without reservation.
Any ongoing attack with youraffair partner will be perceived
as a continued betrayal andwill prevent their healing
process.
And your children need to seethat you're committed to your
(10:54):
family.
They need the security ofknowing that you're not divided
in your loyalties and thatyou're fighting for your
family's unity.
Now the third step becomecompletely transparent.
You see, transparency is theopposite of the secrecy that
made your affair possible, andso, for as long as it takes to
(11:14):
rebuild trust, you must live allyour life like an open book.
This means your spouse hasaccess to your phone, your email
, your social media accounts,your work schedule, your
whereabouts, everything you needto volunteer information, not
wait to be asked.
Tell your spouse where you'regoing, who you'll be with, when
(11:36):
you'll be back, check inregularly when you're away,
share passwords willingly,answer questions honestly, even
when the truth is painful orembarrassing.
This level of transparency mayfeel overwhelming or intrusive,
but it's absolutely necessary.
You gave up your right toprivacy when you chose to have
(11:59):
an affair.
Now you must earn back theright to be trusted, and that
requires complete openness.
For you, transparencyeliminates the exhausting burden
of keeping track of lies anddeceptions.
It forces you to live withintegrity and makes future
deception much more difficult.
It's emotionally freeing to nothave to hide anything, and for
(12:23):
your spouse, your transparencyis evidence that you have
nothing to hide.
It allows them to beginrebuilding trust gradually.
Every time you voluntarilyshare information or give them
access to something, you'remaking a deposit in their trust
account.
And your children benefit fromseeing a family where there are
no secrets, where parentscommunicate openly and honestly.
(12:46):
This creates a sense ofsecurity and teaches them
healthy relationship patterns.
Now the fourth step is do theinternal work.
Saving a marriage isn't justabout changing your behavior.
It's about transformingyourself internally.
You need to understand why youare vulnerable to an affair and
(13:07):
address those underlying issues.
This might mean individualtherapy to deal with depression,
anxiety or trauma.
It might mean addressingaddictive behaviors, learning
healthy coping mechanisms.
Addressing addictive behaviors,learning healthy coping
mechanisms or developing bettercommunication skills.
It might mean spiritual orpersonal development work to
clarify your values andstrengthen your character.
(13:29):
You need to become the personyour spouse fell in love with or
, better yet, become the personyou were always meant to be.
This isn't about faking changeto manipulate your spouse's
understanding.
It's about genuinetransformation that makes you
someone worthy of trust and love.
This internal work addressesyour deep emotional need for
(13:54):
healing and growth.
Affairs often happen when peopleare running from themselves,
trying to escape pain oremptiness through external
relationships.
True healing requires facingwhatever you are running from
and dealing with it honestly andfor your spouse, seeing you do
(14:14):
serious internal workdemonstrates that you're
committed to change, not justsorry you got caught.
It gives them hope that you'rebecoming someone who won't
betray them again.
Your children need to see thatpeople can change and grow, that
bad decisions and bad actionsdon't define us permanently.
Your transformation becomes apowerful example of redemption
(14:39):
and personal responsibility.
Now the fifth step patientlyrebuild intimacy powerful
example of redemption andpersonal responsibility.
Now the fifth step patientlyrebuild intimacy.
You see, the final step is thelongest and perhaps the most
challenging rebuilding intimacywith your spouse.
This isn't just about physicalintimacy.
It's about emotional, spiritualand relational connection.
You need to court your spouseagain, but not the way you did
(15:02):
when you first met Right.
You need to court them assomeone who has been deeply
wounded by betrayal.
This requires infinite patience, creativity and persistence.
Start with small gestures oflove and service.
Write notes, bring flowers, dothoughtful things without
expecting anything in return.
Listen more than you talk.
(15:25):
Ask about their feelings andfears without becoming defensive
.
Show interest in their world,their thoughts, their dreams.
Now be prepared for rejection.
Your spouse may not want youraffection or attention, at least
not initially.
They may test you to see ifyour changes are real.
They may have good days and baddays, sometimes within the same
(15:48):
hour.
Your job is to be consistent,patient and loving, regardless
of their response.
You see, this step addressesyour need for connection and
love, but in a healthy way thatprioritizes your spouse's
healing over your own desires.
It teaches you to lovesacrificially, to give without
(16:13):
expecting immediate returns, andfor your spouse, your patient
pursuit demonstrates genuinelove rather than guilt or
manipulation.
It allows them to heal at theirown pace while experiencing
your commitment to therelationship.
And your children need to seewhat real love looks like Love
that persists through difficulty, love that fights for the
family, love that is patient andkind even when it's not
(16:37):
reciprocated immediately.
Now these five steps are justthe beginning of the process
we've perfected at MarriageHelper International Over the
years and that's over 30 years,by the way.
We've helped thousands ofcouples navigate the complex
journey from betrayal torestoration, and we know what
(16:59):
works and what doesn't.
Our approach is differentbecause it's comprehensive.
We don't just focus onforgiveness or communication.
We address the deep, underlyingissues that led to the crisis
in the first place.
We help couples rebuild theirmarriage on a foundation that's
stronger than what they hadbefore.
(17:20):
We understand the uniquedynamics of infidelity recovery.
We know how to help betrayedspouses move from devastation to
healing.
We know how to help couplesrebuild intimacy and create
marriages that are fair proof.
The investment in our program issignificant.
This isn't a cheap, quick fix,but consider the alternative
(17:45):
Divorce attorneys will cost youtens of thousands of dollars,
and that's just the financialcost.
The emotional cost of divorceis immeasurable the pain of
losing your family, the impacton your children, the loneliness
, the regret.
Our program crosses a factionof what you spend on divorce and
, instead of ending yourmarriage, it can help save it.
(18:07):
Instead of destroying yourfamily, it can help save it.
Instead of destroying yourfamily, it can help heal it.
Instead of creating more painand regress, it can help you
create hope and restoration.
Now I kind of referred to this aminute ago, but let me say it
again.
I need to prepare you forsomething.
Your spouse may not want towork on the marriage.
They may be so hurt, so angry,so done with the relationship,
(18:29):
that they want nothing to dowith counseling or restoration
efforts.
Now this resistance iscompletely understandable.
They've been betrayed by theperson they trusted most.
They may see a desire to workon the marriage as another form
of manipulation.
They may believe that divorceis their only path to safety and
(18:49):
peace.
Now, if your spouse isresistant, don't give up.
Don't pressure them ormanipulate them.
Instead, focus on your owntransformation.
Show them through your actions,not your words, that you're
changing.
Be patient with their healingprocess.
Sometimes the most powerfulthing you can do is give them
(19:10):
space while consistentlydemonstrating your commitment to
change.
Now, many of the couples thatwe've helped started with one
reluctant spouse, but as theunfaithful spouse began genuine
transformation, the betrayedspouse started to see hope for
the first time since the affairwas discovered.
They began to believe thatmaybe, just maybe, their
(19:34):
marriage could be saved.
Now here's what I hope that youunderstand.
While these five steps that Ijust gave you are essential,
trying to navigate marriagerestoration on your own is like
trying to perform surgery onyourself it's possible in theory
, but extremely difficult andpotentially dangerous in
(19:56):
practice.
Our Marriage Help Board shop isbasically designed for couples
in crisis, particularly afterinfidelity, and in just three
intensive days, we'll guide youand your spouse through a proven
process that addresses everyaspect of your marital crisis.
Now, if your spouse will comewith you, the couples workshop
(20:20):
is incredibly powerful.
You'll work together withexpert guidance to understand
what happened, why it happenedand how to rebuild.
You'll learn new communicationskills, develop strategies for
rebuilding trust and create aplan for moving forward together
.
If your spouse won't come, aworkshop for solo spouses is
(20:42):
still highly effective.
You'll learn how to navigatethe restoration process, even
when you're working alone.
You'll learn how to navigatethe restoration process even
when you're working alone.
You'll understand how torespond to your spouse's
emotions and behaviors in waysthat promote healing rather than
more damage.
You'll develop strategies fordemonstrating genuine change and
(21:02):
creating an environment wherereconciliation becomes possible.
Actually, many of our solospouse attendees eventually see
their resistant spouse becomewilling to work on the marriage.
When you change how youapproach the situation, you
often change the entire dynamicof the relationship.
(21:23):
Now, one of those commonquestions we get is how do I get
my spouse to come to theworkshop?
The good news is that we'vedeveloped effective ethical
methods for helping reluctantspouses see the value of
attending.
We never use manipulation, wenever pressure.
(21:43):
Instead, we help you understandwhat your spouse needs to feel
safe enough to attend.
We coach you on how to approachthem, what to say and what not
to say.
We help you create anenvironment where they can
choose to attend without feelingcoerced or tricked.
You see, when you approach yourspouse the right way, with the
(22:05):
right heart and the right words,they often recognize that the
workshop represents hope orhealing, not just another
opportunity for disappointment.
Well, I want to leave you withthis truth your marriage is
worth fighting for.
Yes, you've made terribledecisions and committed terrible
(22:27):
actions.
Yes, you've caused immense pain.
Yes, the road ahead isdifficult, but thousands of
couples who are in situations asbad as or worse than yours have
not only saved their marriages,but created relationships that
are more beautiful than theyever imagined possible.
Your spouse is worth fightingfor.
(22:49):
Your children are worthfighting for your spouse is
worth fighting for, yourchildren are worth fighting for.
Your family is worth fightingfor and despite what you've done
, you are worth fighting for too.
The path forward requirescourage, commitment and the
right guidance.
You've already shown courage bywatching this video and
considering working on yourmarriage instead of giving up.
(23:11):
Now you need to take the nextstep.
Don't wait another day.
Don't let fear or shame keepyou paralyzed.
Don't assume it's too late.
Every day you delay is anotherday of pain for your spouse,
another day of instability foryour children, another day of
moving further away fromrestoration.
(23:33):
Contact Marriage HelperInternational today at
marriagehelpercom slash call.
Our trained advisors will talkwith you about your specific
situation and help you develop aplan for moving forward.
They'll guide you on how toapproach your spouse about
attending the workshop.
They'll answer your questions.
(23:53):
This phone call could be theturning point in your marriage.
It could be the moment you lookback on years from now as the
beginning of your family'shealing and restoration.
But only if you make the call,your marriage can be saved, your
family can be healed, yourspouse can learn to trust you
(24:13):
again, your children can seetheir parents fight for their
family and win.
But it starts with you makingthe decision to reach out for
help.
Go to marriagehelpercom slashcall right now.
Don't wait until your spousefiles for divorce or until the
pain becomes unbearable.
The time to act is now.
(24:34):
Your marriage is worth saving,your family is worth fighting
for and, with the right help,you can build something
beautiful from the ashes of whatseems destroyed.
Make the call today destroyed.
Make the call today.
Your future self, your spouseand your children will thank you
for having the courage to takethis step toward healing and
(24:57):
restoration.
Now remember this is not justabout saving a marriage.
It's about becoming the personyou were always meant to be,
creating a family you've alwaysdreamed of and building a love
story that will inspire otherswho are facing their own marital
crisis.
The journey starts with asingle step.
(25:19):
Please take that step today.
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