Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Divorce is never
simple and it's never an easy
decision.
But when you have kids, it'seven more essential that you
consider some major thingsbefore you make the decision to
divorce.
A couple of years ago, I was onFacebook just scrolling like we
do, and I saw this reel of thislittle girl laying on a blanket
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outside in the rain, off of herfront porch.
And her mom had posted this reeland had written over the top of
it and said, My daughter saidshe wanted to just go lay out in
the rain because she was sad.
And she was sad because her dadhad left and her parents had
divorced.
And this daughter hadinternalized it so much and had
(00:42):
been so depressed, and she waseight years old, and she just
wanted to lay out in the rain.
And she said, Because maybe therain will just wash away my
sadness.
The truth of the matter is,people say that kids are
resilient, and they are, butthey shouldn't have to be.
A child shouldn't have to endurethe pain of parents breaking up.
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A child's greatest fear in lifeis loss of a parent, whether
that be through death or throughdivorce.
And honestly, sometimes divorceis a harder pain for children to
try and overcome because when aparent leaves them because of
divorce, that was a choice.
And death wasn't.
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Now you might be thinking, butbut divorce isn't always a
choice.
You know, maybe one spousedoesn't want to leave the
marriage, but at the end of theday, all a child can do is
internalize how maybe it wastheir fault.
And honestly, you may bethinking, but but you know, it's
better.
It's better for kids to not haveto grow up in a home where
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there's two fighting parents.
And we're gonna get into that injust a little bit as we go
through these essentialconsiderations that you should
think about before you file fordivorce.
But the bottom line is this kidsare resilient, but they
shouldn't have to be.
No child should ever have to gothrough the loss of a parent.
And honestly, resilience shouldnot be a substitute for a
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child's stability.
So let's go through the fivethings that you need to
consider, the essentialconsiderations before filing for
divorce when you have kids.
The first one is the impact onthe kid's stability.
The impact on your child.
Children thrive withconsistency.
Any parent knows this.
When you have a bedtime routine,the child can get into that
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routine and it's so much easierto put them to bed.
When you don't have a bedtimeroutine and it's all chaos, it
is so much harder to get yourchild to go to sleep.
That's just one example of howstability and consistency is a
key for children.
It's something they thriveunder.
Being able to come home to thesame parents, to the same room,
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all of those things help them tothrive.
And it's true of us as adults.
It doesn't change the older weget.
Think about how much better youthrive when you have a daily
routine, a set of habits.
It's what we know in performancepsychology can lead to people to
performing at their highestlevel.
Routine and consistency isessential because at its core,
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it helps us as humans to feelsecure.
It helps us as humans to feellike we can predict what's
happening next.
So that when stressors in theoutside world do come to us,
we're better able to handle thembecause there's a consistency,
there is a predictability to ourdaily lives.
And it's even more so true forkids.
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Children need consistency.
Going back and forth betweenhouses is a disruption to their
stability.
It's a disruption to theirday-to-day life.
If they have to switch schools,if they have to change the kind
of lifestyle that they're usedto because of the financial
implications for divorce, whichwe're gonna get to in just a
minute, all of that can impactthe child.
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So the first and most importantthing that you need to consider
is how does this impact mychild's stability?
It's a very importantconsideration.
The second consideration thatyou need to have is the
realization and theunderstanding of the reality of
what shared custody is going tolook like.
Judges don't really care aboutwhat is fair.
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They care about what is best forthe child.
And honestly, when lawyers getinto it and they're both
fighting for each parent to havethe majority of custody, then it
can get real messy as to whatthe courts end up deciding is
best for the child, because alot of feelings are put in the
way in thinking truly aboutwhat's best for the child.
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What's best for the child is togrow up in a home with two
parents.
And again, more on that in justa minute.
But when we're talking aboutshared custody, you very well
likely miss birthdays,Christmases, holidays with your
child if the courts deem certaintypes of custody agreements.
Have you considered that?
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Have you considered what that'sgoing to look like?
Have you considered how hardit's going to be to say goodbye
to your child every Friday atdrop-off and go an entire week
without them?
A week where they are going tocontinue to grow and live life
and do things and be a part ofthings that you will wish that
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you were a part of as well.
This is something that you needto consider.
The third thing that isabsolutely essential that you
consider is the emotional tollthat divorce takes on kids.
Children have a tendency to putthe blame on themselves for many
reasons.
Number one, they don't have afully developed brain or a fully
developed prefrontal cortex.
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They can't understand why thingshappen or why things are
happening to them or how thingsare happening.
All they know is things arehappening and it's so easy for
them to accept the blame.
For them to feel like thishappened because of me.
I've heard this even in adultswho, when they were kids, their
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parents got divorced, and theyremember how strong that feeling
was of is this somehow my fault?
Am I the one who's causing thestress on my parents' marriage?
If I wasn't here or if I wasnicer or better or smarter, fill
in the blank.
Would my parents be fighting?
Would they want to be away fromeach other?
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Kids internalize that.
And so it is essential toconsider how divorce is going to
possibly make those feelingsworse in your child.
And if you do divorce, reallythinking through how are you
going to make sure that your sonor your daughter or both do not
put all of that blame onthemselves because it affects
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their self-esteem, it affectstheir grades, it affects so many
things about their future thathave to be considered.
The fourth thing to consider arethe financial implications of
divorce.
Everything multiplies.
And as a famous researcher, Dr.
Mark Regnera says, divorce isthe gift that keeps on taking.
And it takes long after papersare signed.
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But one of the ways that divorcecontinues to take is it
multiplies the amount of billsthat you're responsible for.
Where once there was onehousehold payment, one mortgage,
one grocery bill, one waterbill, all of those things, now
it's doubled.
And on top of that, there arelegal fees and there are child
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support fees and sometimes evenalimony.
You're not getting more moneywhen you divorce.
You're taking that samehousehold income and basically
splitting it in two, if it wereto be split evenly, which most
of the time it's not.
In fact, 40% of women afterdivorce fall into poverty
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because they weren't workingbefore.
They don't automatically have away to start working now.
They were primary caregivers totheir children.
And so they are fully dependinga lot of times on that child
support and on that alimony, andit's not enough.
And I don't have to tell youthat things have gotten more
expensive over the past severalyears.
So it is 40% of women, 40% thatno longer have the ability to
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give their children the samelifestyle that they were used
to.
This is a reality, and that'swhy it is an essential
consideration to think of.
Also, earlier, when I said thata child's greatest fear is
losing a parent through divorceor through death, and divorce
can be one of those harderparts, one of the harder things
for a child to wrap their mindaround.
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The other thing that you need tounderstand in because you may
have been thinking, well, that'sharsh.
Just because someone's divorceddoesn't mean they're gonna stop
seeing their kids.
But let me tell you what theresearch says that 25% of
children, after one year oftheir parents being divorced, no
longer see their dad anymore.
That number shoots up to 50% ofchildren no longer have any
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contact or communication withtheir biological father 10 years
after their parents havedivorced.
One out of two.
One out of two.
Why?
Because that dad has gone on andstarted a new life.
He's gotten married to someoneelse, maybe had kids with
someone else, and it has becomeharder.
I know personally of people thatthis has happened to.
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Friends that we have had, wherethe the mom and dad, the friends
that were ours, the husband andthe wife, they got divorced and
the husband had children withthat previous wife.
10 years later, he doesn't haveany relationship with his first
daughter.
This is a reality and it'sheartbreaking to consider.
So what you have to understandis you I know that you're going
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to be sitting there listening tothis video and thinking, I know
that happens for everyone else,but it won't happen for me.
You are not the exemption toevery statistic.
And the statistics that I'msharing with you in this video
and the realities, they'readding up.
You will not be the exemption toall of them.
Maybe to one, but not to all.
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This is the reality that yourchildren are going to have to
face.
And guess what?
It is your responsibility as theparent and the person who
brought them into this world tomake sure that you are creating
a strong future for yourchildren.
And that means really countingthe costs, truly counting the
costs of how divorce is going toaffect your kids.
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Not just thinking about howdivorce is going to bring you
the peace or the happiness thatyou think it's going to bring
you because it's not.
That leads us to our fifthconsideration, which is
relational teaching, modeling,being able to show your children
what a healthy marriage lookslike.
Children learn from you.
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They learn from you how to do alot of things, not the least of
which is how to love someoneelse.
Several years ago, I wasinterviewing Dr.
David Matsumato on my podcast.
He's a fascinating individual.
He was hired by the USgovernment to research what it
would take to end terrorism inthe Middle East.
And one of the things he said, Iwill never forget.
(11:14):
He said, Kimberly, it was such alarge undertaking.
How do you even study what itmeans and how it what it would
take to end terrorism?
That's such a large scale thingto try and figure out.
But actually, what we ended upfinding out was that if we
wanted to end terrorism, it hadto start within the home.
Because it's within the homethat people learn how to love or
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learn how to hate.
So, how does this apply to youand to your marriage?
It is within your home that yourchild is going to learn how to
love or how to hate based on howyou model it for them.
If your divorce is nasty andyou're always talking bad about
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your spouse and you'retriangulating your child, you're
putting them in the middle of itand making them feel like they
have to choose or like they haveto take sides, you're teaching
your child how to have aterrible marriage growing up.
That's truly what you're doing.
What the child needs to seemodeled is what it looks like to
love.
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What does it look like toforgive?
What does it look like to fightand then make up?
How can you model this to yourchild?
And you may be thinking,Kimberly, it's too far gone.
My husband and I, my wife and I,all we do is fight.
There's no way I can modelhealthy love to my child.
That's why we're getting adivorce because we can't.
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But here's what we know from theresearch.
The worst thing that can happento a child, the worst thing, is
that his or her parents divorceand they continue to treat each
other like crap.
How many times do you think thathappens when divorce happens?
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Absolutely the majority.
The two parents don't co-parentwell.
They continue to fight, theycontinue to talk bad about each
other, they continue to createan environment where the child
is not seen, is not soothed, anddoes not feel secure.
And what do you think happens tothat child's future marriage?
You know the answer.
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There's a reason why a person ismore likely to get divorced if
their parents were divorced.
Because it's within the homethat you learn how to love and
you learn how to hate.
It is essential that youconsider these things before you
divorce.
Divorce isn't just a decisionabout your future, it's a
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decision about the future foryour children and your
children's foundation that theyare going to grow from.
Even if your children arealready adults, you may be
thinking this doesn't apply tome.
It still does.
It absolutely still does.
Therefore, if you are feelingany bit of uncertainty after
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thinking through these essentialconsiderations and thinking, I
haven't done everything I can toreally try and make this
marriage work, or I am not surehow this divorce is going to
affect my kids and I care abouttheir future, I encourage you to
pause and to do everything youcan to try and make your
marriage work before you makeone more step to filing for
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divorce.
I would love to hear from you inthe comments.
I'd love to know maybe howdivorce has affected you or when
you were a kid, if your parentsgot divorced, how did that
affect you?
I would love for you to sharethat in the comments below, as
heartbreaking as it may be.
But you know what?
Your comments may be able tohelp someone understand the
reality of what their childrenmight face.
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