October 3, 2025 • 11 mins
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Are you the one fighting to save your marriage while your spouse seems ready to give up? Maybe they’ve grown emotionally distant, controlling, or even unfaithful. You feel the weight of the marriage on your shoulders, asking: “Why me? Why do I have to do all the work?”
In this video, Dr. Joe Beam reveals the hard truth about what it takes to save a marriage when your spouse wants a divorce. You’ll learn:
- Why focusing on your spouse’s mistakes often pushes them further away
- What you can control when it feels like everything is slipping through your fingers
- Why criticism, guilt, or pressure rarely bring a spouse back—and what actually can
- How choosing strength, grace, and perseverance changes the dynamic of your marriage
At Marriage Helper, we’ve worked with thousands of couples on the brink of divorce. Many felt hopeless, yet they discovered a proven path forward. If you’re hurting but still holding on to hope, this message is for you.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
📞 BOOK A CALL WITH OUR TEAM: https://bit.ly/4fhb9Yz
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Because you're watching this video, there's a
good chance you're in tremendouspain right now.
Maybe your spouse had beenemotionally distant, shutting
you out of their life.
Perhaps they've becomecontrolling or dominating,
making you feel small andunheard.
Or maybe they've beenunfaithful.
(00:22):
Whatever has happened, you'rethe one who wants to save this
marriage.
You're the one watching videos,reading articles, praying,
hoping, and trying to figure outwhat to do.
And your spouse?
They seem to have checked out.
They may even be pushing for adivorce.
(00:42):
And here you are.
Watching another marriage expertthinking he's probably going to
tell you what you need to do tosave your marriage.
When inside you're screaming,Why me?
I'm not the one who broke ourvows.
I'm not the one who gave up.
Why isn't anyone telling themwhat to do instead of me?
(01:03):
I get it.
I really do.
And before we go any further, Ineed you to hear this.
Your pain is real, your anger isjustified, and your frustration
at the seemingly unfairsituation makes complete sense.
At Marriage Helper, we work withthousands of couples every year.
(01:25):
And so many times a hurt spousehas said to me, Dr.
Beam, it feels like you'reputting all the responsibility
on me.
It feels like you care moreabout the spouse who's
destroying our family than theone trying to save it.
That breaks my heart everysingle time.
Because nothing could be furtherfrom the truth.
(01:46):
Please, let me be crystal clear.
We care about you, yourmarriage, your pain, and your
future.
We have tremendous compassionfor you.
We work with somebody just likeyou.
We know your strength duringthis devastation.
We admire your love, perseveringwhen most people would have
given up.
We have high regard for youbecause you're choosing the
(02:07):
harder path.
The path of fighting for yourmarriage would be much easier
just to walk away.
You're not weak for wanting tosave your marriage.
You're incredibly strong.
It takes far more courage tostand and fight for love than it
does to run away from pain.
(02:27):
If ever your spouse and you cometo our couple's workshop, both
of you will experience ourteaching, proving principles
that explain how your problemsdeveloped and what to do to
repair them.
But what you will not hear isour chastising your strained
spouse, using guilt, or castingblame on them.
(02:51):
Why?
It's because you're the only onewe can actually help right now.
Please understand.
The reason we focus on what youcan do isn't because we think
you're responsible for theproblems.
It's not because we favor yourspouse over you, and it's
certainly not because we thinkyou need to do all the work.
(03:15):
Think about it this way.
Imagine you're a doctor and twopatients come to your hospital.
One patient is conscious, alert,and asking for help.
The other patient is running outthe door, insisting they're fine
and don't need any treatment,even though they're clearly
bleeding.
Which patient can you actuallytreat?
(03:38):
You can't force medical care onsomeone who refuses it.
And in the same way, we can'tforce marriage help on someone
who doesn't want it.
I know you might be thinkingthis, but Joe, can't you at
least tell them they're wrong?
Can't you make them feel guiltyabout what they're doing?
(03:59):
Maybe if they understood howmuch they're hurting me and the
kids, they'd change their mind.
I understand that instinct.
It seems logical, doesn't it?
If someone is doing somethingwrong, we should tell them.
We should make them see theerror of their ways.
But here's what 30 years ofworking with marriages has
(04:22):
taught me.
Guilt, criticism, and harshnesstowards someone who has already
had one foot out the doordoesn't bring them back.
It pushes them further away.
Almost every single time.
Let me explain why.
(04:43):
When someone is already leaningaway from their marriage,
they've built up a narrative intheir mind.
They've convinced themselvesrightly or wrongly that the
marriage is the problem, thatyou're the problem, that leaving
is the solution.
Now, when we criticize them,when we heap guilt on them, when
we point out all their failures,what happens?
(05:06):
So they look at themselves andsay, wow, you're right.
I'm the problem.
I've witnessed that maybe twicein 30 years.
But almost always it works theother way.
They've convinced themselvesthat others, maybe, especially
you, think that they're the badguy.
(05:26):
And that you have poisonedothers to see them as evil.
If we attack or guilt them, webecome another voice siding with
you.
And that's why we're tellingthem that they're bad, they're
wrong, and they're a failure.
They feel misunderstood.
They feel that people can't seethe big picture like what your
role is in the marriageproblems.
(05:47):
They feel attacked.
And what do people do when theyfeel attacked?
They defend.
They justify, they dig indeeper, and most importantly,
they run toward whatever orwhoever makes them feel
understood and accepted.
(06:07):
And if there is another personinvolved romantically, guess
who's providing that acceptanceand understanding while everyone
else is providing criticism?
Years ago, I learned animportant lesson from Dr.
John Gottman at the GottmanInstitute.
They've studied thousands ofcouples over decades.
They found that criticism is oneof what he calls the four
(06:29):
horsemen of the apocalypse.
And did these predict divorce?
Not infidelity, not financialproblems, but criticism.
Why?
Because criticism attacks theperson's character.
It leads them to believe thatyou view them as fundamentally
flawed.
Is that a big deal?
One of the three mainmotivations that leads people to
(06:51):
want out of a marriage is ifthey feel disrespected.
If your spouse feels that you,or we who try to help, see them
as fundamentally flawed, theyfeel extremely disrespected and
want nothing to do with you orus.
That usually leads them to feelthat you're trying to control
(07:11):
them.
That you or anyone trying tohelp is out to control them
because we think they aren'tcapable of making their own
decisions.
There's a psychologicalprinciple called psychological
reactance that comes into playhere.
When people feel their freedomis being threatened, when they
feel someone's trying to controlthem or force them to do
(07:32):
something, they instinctively dothe opposite.
It's why teenagers rebel whenparents become too controlling.
It's why harsh interventionsoften backfire with addicts.
And it's why telling your spouseall the ways they're destroying
the family often drives themdeeper into the very behavior
(07:56):
you're trying to stop.
I know this isn't what you wantto hear.
You want justice.
You want acknowledgement.
You want them to takeresponsibility.
And you deserve all thosethings.
You really do.
But timing is everything.
(08:16):
Please understand.
Focusing on what you can doisn't about letting them off the
hook.
It's about recognizing whereyour actual power lies.
You can't control your spouse.
I know you've probably tried.
Most people do.
We try logic, we try emotions,we try guilt, we try anger.
(08:37):
And where has it gotten us?
But you can control yourself.
You can control how you respond.
You can control the environmentof your home.
You can control whether youbecome bitter or better.
You can control whether youmodel grace or revenge.
(08:57):
And here's the amazing thing.
When you change, it changes theentire dynamic of the
relationship.
It's like a dance.
When one partner changes theirsteps, the other partner has to
adjust, whether they want to ornot.
Look, I am not saying that youshould become a doormat.
(09:18):
I'm not saying you should acceptabuse or ongoing infidelity
without boundaries.
I'm not saying you shouldpretend everything is fine.
What I'm saying is this thespouse who wants to save the
marriage is the one who has themotivation to do the work.
You're the one who stillbelieves in what you have.
(09:39):
You're the one who can see pastthe current crisis to the future
possibility.
Your straying spouse, right nowthey can't see past their
current feelings.
They're in a fog.
Whether it's an affair fog, alife crisis fog, or just the fog
of believing the grass isgreener somewhere else.
(09:59):
And people in a fog don'trespond well to logic.
They don't respond well tocriticism, but sometimes, not
always, but sometimes theyrespond to consistent, patient,
principal love that refuses togive up.
The Bible says love never fails.
It doesn't say love always getswhat it wants.
(10:20):
It doesn't say love can controlanother person, but it says love
itself never fails.
Even when the marriage fails,love doesn't fail if you do not
let it turn to bitterness.
If you're dealing with a goodperson doing a bad thing, then
there's hope.
Not a guarantee, I can't promiseyou that, but there's hope.
(10:42):
You're not just trying to save amarriage.
You're choosing to be the kindof person who doesn't let
someone else's choices determineyour character.
You're choosing to love whenlove isn't returned.
You're choosing to hope whendespair would be easier.
You're choosing to believe inredemption when everyone else is
(11:03):
counseling revenge.
That's not weakness.
That's the kind of strength thatchanges the world.
One marriage at a time.
Because you're watching this video, there's a
good chance you're in tremendouspain right now.
Maybe your spouse had beenemotionally distant, shutting
you out of their life.
Perhaps they've becomecontrolling or dominating,
making you feel small andunheard.
Or maybe they've beenunfaithful.
(00:22):
Whatever has happened, you'rethe one who wants to save this
marriage.
You're the one watching videos,reading articles, praying,
hoping, and trying to figure outwhat to do.
And your spouse?
They seem to have checked out.
They may even be pushing for adivorce.
(00:42):
And here you are.
Watching another marriage expertthinking he's probably going to
tell you what you need to do tosave your marriage.
When inside you're screaming,Why me?
I'm not the one who broke ourvows.
I'm not the one who gave up.
Why isn't anyone telling themwhat to do instead of me?
(01:03):
I get it.
I really do.
And before we go any further, Ineed you to hear this.
Your pain is real, your anger isjustified, and your frustration
at the seemingly unfairsituation makes complete sense.
At Marriage Helper, we work withthousands of couples every year.
(01:25):
And so many times a hurt spousehas said to me, Dr.
Beam, it feels like you'reputting all the responsibility
on me.
It feels like you care moreabout the spouse who's
destroying our family than theone trying to save it.
That breaks my heart everysingle time.
Because nothing could be furtherfrom the truth.
(01:46):
Please, let me be crystal clear.
We care about you, yourmarriage, your pain, and your
future.
We have tremendous compassionfor you.
We work with somebody just likeyou.
We know your strength duringthis devastation.
We admire your love, perseveringwhen most people would have
given up.
We have high regard for youbecause you're choosing the
(02:07):
harder path.
The path of fighting for yourmarriage would be much easier
just to walk away.
You're not weak for wanting tosave your marriage.
You're incredibly strong.
It takes far more courage tostand and fight for love than it
does to run away from pain.
(02:27):
If ever your spouse and you cometo our couple's workshop, both
of you will experience ourteaching, proving principles
that explain how your problemsdeveloped and what to do to
repair them.
But what you will not hear isour chastising your strained
spouse, using guilt, or castingblame on them.
(02:51):
Why?
It's because you're the only onewe can actually help right now.
Please understand.
The reason we focus on what youcan do isn't because we think
you're responsible for theproblems.
It's not because we favor yourspouse over you, and it's
certainly not because we thinkyou need to do all the work.
(03:15):
Think about it this way.
Imagine you're a doctor and twopatients come to your hospital.
One patient is conscious, alert,and asking for help.
The other patient is running outthe door, insisting they're fine
and don't need any treatment,even though they're clearly
bleeding.
Which patient can you actuallytreat?
(03:38):
You can't force medical care onsomeone who refuses it.
And in the same way, we can'tforce marriage help on someone
who doesn't want it.
I know you might be thinkingthis, but Joe, can't you at
least tell them they're wrong?
Can't you make them feel guiltyabout what they're doing?
(03:59):
Maybe if they understood howmuch they're hurting me and the
kids, they'd change their mind.
I understand that instinct.
It seems logical, doesn't it?
If someone is doing somethingwrong, we should tell them.
We should make them see theerror of their ways.
But here's what 30 years ofworking with marriages has
(04:22):
taught me.
Guilt, criticism, and harshnesstowards someone who has already
had one foot out the doordoesn't bring them back.
It pushes them further away.
Almost every single time.
Let me explain why.
(04:43):
When someone is already leaningaway from their marriage,
they've built up a narrative intheir mind.
They've convinced themselvesrightly or wrongly that the
marriage is the problem, thatyou're the problem, that leaving
is the solution.
Now, when we criticize them,when we heap guilt on them, when
we point out all their failures,what happens?
(05:06):
So they look at themselves andsay, wow, you're right.
I'm the problem.
I've witnessed that maybe twicein 30 years.
But almost always it works theother way.
They've convinced themselvesthat others, maybe, especially
you, think that they're the badguy.
(05:26):
And that you have poisonedothers to see them as evil.
If we attack or guilt them, webecome another voice siding with
you.
And that's why we're tellingthem that they're bad, they're
wrong, and they're a failure.
They feel misunderstood.
They feel that people can't seethe big picture like what your
role is in the marriageproblems.
(05:47):
They feel attacked.
And what do people do when theyfeel attacked?
They defend.
They justify, they dig indeeper, and most importantly,
they run toward whatever orwhoever makes them feel
understood and accepted.
(06:07):
And if there is another personinvolved romantically, guess
who's providing that acceptanceand understanding while everyone
else is providing criticism?
Years ago, I learned animportant lesson from Dr.
John Gottman at the GottmanInstitute.
They've studied thousands ofcouples over decades.
They found that criticism is oneof what he calls the four
(06:29):
horsemen of the apocalypse.
And did these predict divorce?
Not infidelity, not financialproblems, but criticism.
Why?
Because criticism attacks theperson's character.
It leads them to believe thatyou view them as fundamentally
flawed.
Is that a big deal?
One of the three mainmotivations that leads people to
(06:51):
want out of a marriage is ifthey feel disrespected.
If your spouse feels that you,or we who try to help, see them
as fundamentally flawed, theyfeel extremely disrespected and
want nothing to do with you orus.
That usually leads them to feelthat you're trying to control
(07:11):
them.
That you or anyone trying tohelp is out to control them
because we think they aren'tcapable of making their own
decisions.
There's a psychologicalprinciple called psychological
reactance that comes into playhere.
When people feel their freedomis being threatened, when they
feel someone's trying to controlthem or force them to do
(07:32):
something, they instinctively dothe opposite.
It's why teenagers rebel whenparents become too controlling.
It's why harsh interventionsoften backfire with addicts.
And it's why telling your spouseall the ways they're destroying
the family often drives themdeeper into the very behavior
(07:56):
you're trying to stop.
I know this isn't what you wantto hear.
You want justice.
You want acknowledgement.
You want them to takeresponsibility.
And you deserve all thosethings.
You really do.
But timing is everything.
(08:16):
Please understand.
Focusing on what you can doisn't about letting them off the
hook.
It's about recognizing whereyour actual power lies.
You can't control your spouse.
I know you've probably tried.
Most people do.
We try logic, we try emotions,we try guilt, we try anger.
(08:37):
And where has it gotten us?
But you can control yourself.
You can control how you respond.
You can control the environmentof your home.
You can control whether youbecome bitter or better.
You can control whether youmodel grace or revenge.
(08:57):
And here's the amazing thing.
When you change, it changes theentire dynamic of the
relationship.
It's like a dance.
When one partner changes theirsteps, the other partner has to
adjust, whether they want to ornot.
Look, I am not saying that youshould become a doormat.
(09:18):
I'm not saying you should acceptabuse or ongoing infidelity
without boundaries.
I'm not saying you shouldpretend everything is fine.
What I'm saying is this thespouse who wants to save the
marriage is the one who has themotivation to do the work.
You're the one who stillbelieves in what you have.
(09:39):
You're the one who can see pastthe current crisis to the future
possibility.
Your straying spouse, right nowthey can't see past their
current feelings.
They're in a fog.
Whether it's an affair fog, alife crisis fog, or just the fog
of believing the grass isgreener somewhere else.
(09:59):
And people in a fog don'trespond well to logic.
They don't respond well tocriticism, but sometimes, not
always, but sometimes theyrespond to consistent, patient,
principal love that refuses togive up.
The Bible says love never fails.
It doesn't say love always getswhat it wants.
(10:20):
It doesn't say love can controlanother person, but it says love
itself never fails.
Even when the marriage fails,love doesn't fail if you do not
let it turn to bitterness.
If you're dealing with a goodperson doing a bad thing, then
there's hope.
Not a guarantee, I can't promiseyou that, but there's hope.
(10:42):
You're not just trying to save amarriage.
You're choosing to be the kindof person who doesn't let
someone else's choices determineyour character.
You're choosing to love whenlove isn't returned.
You're choosing to hope whendespair would be easier.
You're choosing to believe inredemption when everyone else is
(11:03):
counseling revenge.
That's not weakness.
That's the kind of strength thatchanges the world.
One marriage at a time.
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