July 30, 2025 • 16 mins
Enjoy the episode? Send us a text!
Your spouse cheated—but now they want to come back. Can you ever truly forgive? Can passion and intimacy return after betrayal? In this powerful video, Dr. Joe Beam walks you through the raw emotions, fears, and questions that surface when you decide to take your spouse back after an affair.
You’ll discover:
- Why fear and anger can affect your sex life after infidelity
- How to avoid “spectatoring” and comparisons that destroy intimacy
- The critical role of forgiveness in rebuilding passion
- How to create a sexual and emotional connection stronger than before
Whether you’re wrestling with hurt, struggling to restore trust, or wondering if passion can ever return, this video offers hope—and practical steps to rebuild your marriage from the inside out.
If you’re ready to fight for your marriage, we can help. Join thousands of couples who have saved their relationship through our 3-day Marriage Helper Workshop.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
📞 BOOK A CALL WITH OUR TEAM: https://bit.ly/4fhb9Yz
🔗 Website: https://marriagehelper.com
📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marriagehelper
👀 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@marriagehelper
Follow our other channels!
📺 https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes
📺 https://youtube.com/@drjoebeam
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Your spouse cheated on you but now wants to put the
marriage back together.
I know it hurts.
I mean it hurts in so manydifferent ways.
You feel I can't believe thatwhat was supposed to be just for
me has been given to somebodyelse and you're thinking my
goodness, but you should haveheard the lies that she said or
the lies that he told.
I mean, that hurt me more thananything the fact that he or she
(00:22):
lied like they lied, and I'mhumiliated because of the fact
that other people know about it.
And on and on it goes.
But yet your spouse wants toput it back together and I'm
making the assumption in thisparticular video that you have
made a decision that you willtry to put the marriage back
together.
Now, if you can't make thatdecision yet, or won't make that
(00:44):
decision yet, may I make arecommendation If your spouse
really wants to come back andyou believe that your spouse is
a good person who did a badthing, not a bad person who did
a bad thing, let us help youthink that through before you
make your final decision as towhether you will or won't put
the marriage back together.
But now I'm making theassumption that you've passed
(01:06):
that in this video that youreally do want to put the
marriage back together, even ifyou have some large reservations
about it.
Like am I doing the right thing?
Can I truly ever forgive him orher?
Will I be plagued by this therest of my life?
Will I ever get over it?
And not only that, will myspouse get over it?
Am I going to be compared tothat person they had the affair
(01:29):
with for the rest of my life,whether I'm as handsome or
pretty as that person is,whether I'm as strong and good
looking, et cetera, et cetera,et cetera.
Whether I'm as good in bed ashe or she was?
Am I going to spend the rest ofmy life wondering about that?
Because I don't want to spendmy life thinking I'm not good
enough.
And already, because of thefact that my spouse cheated on
(01:50):
me, I have had those ideas gothrough my head.
Something must be wrong with me.
So can you help us, dr Bean, ifwe really want to explore
putting the marriage backtogether and not just put it
back together but, in the sexualaspect, get to where we can
recreate passion?
Now you do understand thatthere are so many different
(02:11):
directions we could go aboutputting it back together, but in
this particular video, we'regoing to be talking about sex,
about passion.
Now it's an interesting thingthat is quite common, that the
spouse who's being cheated on,when they first discover that
cheating is occurring, willactually find their libido spike
.
What I mean is their sex drivegoes sky high.
(02:33):
Now I can give you a lot ofreasons for that, but let me
just give you one here.
The serotonin in your brainbegins to decrease, and when the
serotonin in your brain becauseof your fear, because of what's
happening, I'm afraid that myhusband or my wife's going to
leave me, I'm afraid thatthey're going to be in love with
that other person their wholelives, or even if it was a
one-night stand, how can I knowthat he or she won't do that
(02:54):
more and more?
And so in that situation,people will often have a
decrease in serotonin, and adecrease in serotonin always
well, almost always at leastspikes libido, makes your sex
drive become stronger, and soI've asked this so many times
how many of you, when you foundout your marriage was in trouble
, all of a sudden found yourselfcraving sex with your spouse
(03:18):
and becoming more sexual withyour spouse than you have in
years, nearly every hand goes upof the people who are being
cheated on or the people who aretrying to save their marriages.
I used to refer to it asreclaiming territory.
In other words, I've got to getyou back with me.
I'm going to be the onefulfilling you.
I don't want you to befulfilled by somebody else.
(03:39):
And there is some aspect of that, but a lot of it is because
it's driven by fear.
You're afraid you're going tolose the marriage.
Now, if you're trying to put itback together and your spouse
has said, okay, I'm coming home,that fear sometimes will turn
into anger.
Okay, I've been doingeverything I need to do to get
you to come back and finallyyou're here.
And because of the fact thatyou've been working so hard on
(04:03):
getting your spouse to come backand make the marriage good
again, you've not let yourselfdeal with the anger.
You've been pushing it down,pushing it down, pushing it down
, and now that the fear issubsiding, the anger comes up
and sometimes it can be quiteintense and the next thing you
know, the person that you haveworked so hard to get to come
back home so you can put themarriage back together becomes
(04:25):
your biggest enemy.
Because all you can think aboutis how much he or she hurt you,
and you start taking that angerout on them because you hurt so
deeply inside.
Have you felt that yet?
We're not saying that youshould just do away with anger,
because that's not possible.
We're saying that what you dowith anger is that you deal with
(04:47):
it appropriately at the righttime.
Now let's assume then becauseI'm talking to a very specific
audience here that you havedecided that you're going to
take your spouse back and thatyou have done whatever you need
to do to be able to begin tohandle your anger in appropriate
ways, which would probablyinclude forgiving your spouse
(05:09):
and, if he or she was involvedwith somebody else, include
forgiving them, not because theydeserve it, but because of the
fact that you want to setyourself free Now, if you're
that person.
So your spouse is back, youranger is under control, you're
trying to put it back together.
What kind of difficulties mightyou have in restoring passion?
(05:29):
There's a thing in sexologycalled spectatoring.
It's like when a person, ratherthan being in the presence and
being there in the sex actitself, they kind of like have
their brain go up in the cornerup here somewhere and you are
watching you and you're makingjudgments about you and making
judgments about your sexualpartner and therefore you don't
(05:52):
really let yourself go, youdon't really get into the sexual
encounter because of the factthat You're being so judgmental
of you and maybe your partner.
And so one thing I wouldstrongly recommend is, if you're
going to be making love againto your spouse, who had cheated
on you, don't allow yourself todo spectatoring.
You say what do you mean?
(06:12):
Like I'm kind of watchingwhat's happening.
Yeah, spectatoring in thissense probably that you're
wondering what he or she isthinking.
Do they think that I kiss aswell as the partner?
Do they think that I know howto do sexual things as well as
the partner?
Do they think I'm as pretty asthe partner or as handsome as
the partner?
(06:33):
In other words, you're makingjudgments all the time, and
that's what we call spectatoring, and you're judging yourself
against an imaginary personbecause of the fact that you
don't have any true knowledge ofwhat that other person is like
in bed.
You say, well, I'll just ask myspouse, tell me what he or she
was like in bed.
And we say, please don't dothat.
(06:53):
Please don't do that, becauseyou'll get mental images in your
mind that are going to beinaccurate.
And so if you were to say toyour spouse, did you kiss that
person?
And your spouse says, yes, Idid.
Now you'll get a mental imageof that kiss, but it's not
accurate.
You didn't see it.
All you're going to have inyour mind is a fantasy, a mental
(07:17):
picture that's there.
And since it's not accuratenumber one it also can linger a
long time, so that even afteryour spouse heals and is long
past the affair, you might stillbe having those mental pictures
of your spouse doing this orthat or the other or the other
person.
And if you were to ask aboutthose questions like what did
(07:39):
you do with him, what did you dowith her, you might discover
that your spouse did some thingssexually with that partner that
he or she hasn't done with youand that'll hurt your feelings
and make you angry.
And now you're thinking whatabout you?
Are you telling me theydefinitely did that?
No, I'm not telling you theydefinitely did that.
I'm saying that sometimes thathappens because once a person
(08:01):
goes beyond the borders, oncethey cross the boundaries, other
boundaries tend to fall.
And you're saying, but then Ihave to know, I have to ask my
husband or wife did you do that?
That?
That that, no, it's just goingto hurt you and you're going to
find out things that you won'tbe able to deal with because of
the fact that your mind is goingto see it as being a rebellion
(08:21):
against you, when really whatwas happening was falling
boundaries within your spouse'sown head, within your spouse's
own heart.
And so please don't ask forthose pictures, not just
physical pictures, obviously,but those mental pictures
because you will wind upcomparing yourself, you'll wind
up comparing your spouse, andthat leads to a form of
(08:43):
spectatoring, where that youwill never truly let yourself go
in making love to your spouse.
Here's what you should bethinking about instead.
My spouse wants to be with menow, whatever the involvement
was with the other person.
Now, maybe it was what we call ashort-lived affair.
Actually, more often we wouldcall it a high-opportunity,
low-involvement affair, like aone-night stand.
(09:06):
He met that lady over there, orhe was at that convention and
went to bed with that person,and how can I compare myself to
all those different women thathe slept with, or all those
different men that she mighthave slept with?
And you can't, but if you'reconvinced that he's truly
penitent.
What that means is he's trulysorry for what he did and he
(09:28):
really does want to put thingsback together with you.
Then, when you have yourconversations, you can ask him
about how he got into situationsyou know what led to that but
please, please, please as I'vebeen saying, don't ask him or
ask her specific things aboutwhat happened.
Now you can ask things like thishow would you like for our life
(09:52):
to be from this point on, notjust in terms of where we live
and how we live, but how wouldyou like for our life to be from
now on when it comes to sex?
Now, if you ask that well, letme say it this way Don't ask
that.
If you're going to be thinking,uh-huh, my spouse is now
talking about what he or she didwith the other person, if
you're going to think like that,don't ask that question.
(10:12):
But if you can get to the pointwhere it's like, no, we can
make a wonderful sex lifetogether.
We can get to places we'venever been, we can do new and
exciting things, and I stronglyrecommend that you have that
conversation, not ever askingwell, you know, but did you do
that with that other person.
Don't do that.
Just say why would you likethat, how would you think that
(10:33):
would feel?
But you see, at the same timeyou need to be doing the same
thing and make sure that, as youhave these conversations, that
it isn't all just about physicalthings like touch me here, kiss
me there, that it really isalso about very deeply emotional
things, about how much you loveeach other, about how that you
put aside other things to bewith each other, how that you
(10:57):
focus on each other.
So did you understand?
So far we've talked about thefact that forgive.
We've talked about the factthat you can't let yourself
dwell on mental pictures of whatyour spouse did with the other
person, and you certainly won'tsucceed if you wind up comparing
yourself to the other person orwondering how your spouse is
comparing you to the otherperson.
The relationship your spousehas with you is a lot more than
(11:21):
just sexual.
If it's going to be therelationship it needs to be.
It involves the body, but itinvolves the mind, it involves
the intellect, it involves theheart, the emotion.
It even involves the spiritualpart of life, your beliefs and
values.
And thinking that you're goingto fix everything just with the
(11:41):
physical is illogical.
You can't fix it just with thephysical.
We've had people tell us well,my spouse came home the other
day and he made love to me again.
Therefore, I think we're goingto be okay.
You can't fix it just with thephysical.
We're saying yes, if you'reready and if you can forgive,
and if you can stop thinkingabout the other person and you
want to make love to your spouse, do so.
(12:03):
Concentrate on the physical interms of how to give him or her
as much pleasure as you can.
Concentrate on how to guide himor her to give you as much
pleasure as you can experiencephysically speaking.
Don't let either one of youspend time thinking about the
other person.
Make a pact that from thispoint on, you will be honest,
(12:26):
that you're not going to lie toeach other about anything,
including your sexual desires,the things that you would like
to do with each other.
But don't talk about just sex.
Always talk about also theemotions involved with that.
How do you feel about that?
Why does that sound likesomething that would really
sound good to you?
I mean, what do you think youwould accomplish in terms of our
(12:46):
relationship?
I want to know how youremotions fit into this not just
into what your body wants, buthow your mind and your heart and
your soul fit into this.
And if you can have those kindsof conversations, you can
develop a sex life where younever think about that other
person again.
Even better, where your spousenever thinks about that other
(13:08):
person again, because you'regoing to be starting all over
just for the two of you.
But you understand the point Ifyou're going to have passion
with your spouse again, it'sgoing to be by focusing on your
need for sexual and emotionalfulfillment and your spouse's
need for sexual and emotionalfulfillment, but leaving the
(13:32):
past behind.
And yeah, I know that soundslike well, you think we can just
do that that easily.
No, I know you can't, but Iknow you can, you can.
You just can just do that thateasily.
No, I know you can't, but Iknow you can, you can.
You just can't do it thateasily.
And we want to help.
We want to help in every shape,in every way we possibly can.
(13:54):
Because if you say, well, I'mgoing to take him or her back,
but we're just never going tohave sex again, your marriage is
going to wind up in trouble allover again, or I'm going to
take him or her back, but I'mgoing to punish them every day
for what they've done.
No, that's not going to workeither.
I'm going to take him or herback, but I'm going to make them
feel guilty about the thingsthey did with the other person.
Your marriage is doomed if youdo any of those things.
(14:18):
It's a matter of how do youmake it work now, and if you're
thinking but what if he or shehad three different lovers all
the time?
Isn't it true that once acheater, always a cheater?
No, there's a reason that he orshe had those three different
affairs and therefore thereneeds to be some professional
help to help figure out why thathappens, so it can stop.
(14:40):
But that's another reason thatif you have not been through our
three-day intensive workshop,we ask you to come so we can
help you think that through.
And if you'd rather find aprofessional who is a sex
therapist and decide to go tohim or her to help you figure
that out, that's fine too.
Just make sure that that sextherapist has the same belief
and value system that you do.
But even a person who has beena serial offender man or woman
(15:06):
can get past that once theyunderstand what was driving it,
get over it and it will neverhappen again and they can be
faithful to their spouses forthe rest of their life.
So no, it's not true that oncea cheater, always a cheater.
If that person doesn't find outwhat's driving that and doesn't
(15:27):
deal with that, then, yes, itmay be true Once a cheater,
always a cheater.
Do you believe you can have agreat sex life together?
I'm telling you you can.
We have worked with thousandsand I'm not exaggerating
thousands of couples whereeither the husband has cheated
(15:47):
or the wife has cheatedsometimes not just in a
one-night stand, sometimes in adeep, emotional, long-term
affair with another person, butfinally realizes what's right
and what's good and what theyreally want in life is to be
back with their spouse again,who have put those marriages
back together, even after allkinds of horrendous actions took
place earlier that they put themarriage back together and are
happily married Now, notperfectly married, because that
(16:10):
doesn't exist, but happilymarried.
Is that what you want?
You can have it.
Please call us.
We'd love to help in whateverway we can.
Your spouse cheated on you but now wants to put the
marriage back together.
I know it hurts.
I mean it hurts in so manydifferent ways.
You feel I can't believe thatwhat was supposed to be just for
me has been given to somebodyelse and you're thinking my
goodness, but you should haveheard the lies that she said or
the lies that he told.
I mean, that hurt me more thananything the fact that he or she
(00:22):
lied like they lied, and I'mhumiliated because of the fact
that other people know about it.
And on and on it goes.
But yet your spouse wants toput it back together and I'm
making the assumption in thisparticular video that you have
made a decision that you willtry to put the marriage back
together.
Now, if you can't make thatdecision yet, or won't make that
(00:44):
decision yet, may I make arecommendation If your spouse
really wants to come back andyou believe that your spouse is
a good person who did a badthing, not a bad person who did
a bad thing, let us help youthink that through before you
make your final decision as towhether you will or won't put
the marriage back together.
But now I'm making theassumption that you've passed
(01:06):
that in this video that youreally do want to put the
marriage back together, even ifyou have some large reservations
about it.
Like am I doing the right thing?
Can I truly ever forgive him orher?
Will I be plagued by this therest of my life?
Will I ever get over it?
And not only that, will myspouse get over it?
Am I going to be compared tothat person they had the affair
(01:29):
with for the rest of my life,whether I'm as handsome or
pretty as that person is,whether I'm as strong and good
looking, et cetera, et cetera,et cetera.
Whether I'm as good in bed ashe or she was?
Am I going to spend the rest ofmy life wondering about that?
Because I don't want to spendmy life thinking I'm not good
enough.
And already, because of thefact that my spouse cheated on
(01:50):
me, I have had those ideas gothrough my head.
Something must be wrong with me.
So can you help us, dr Bean, ifwe really want to explore
putting the marriage backtogether and not just put it
back together but, in the sexualaspect, get to where we can
recreate passion?
Now you do understand thatthere are so many different
(02:11):
directions we could go aboutputting it back together, but in
this particular video, we'regoing to be talking about sex,
about passion.
Now it's an interesting thingthat is quite common, that the
spouse who's being cheated on,when they first discover that
cheating is occurring, willactually find their libido spike
.
What I mean is their sex drivegoes sky high.
(02:33):
Now I can give you a lot ofreasons for that, but let me
just give you one here.
The serotonin in your brainbegins to decrease, and when the
serotonin in your brain becauseof your fear, because of what's
happening, I'm afraid that myhusband or my wife's going to
leave me, I'm afraid thatthey're going to be in love with
that other person their wholelives, or even if it was a
one-night stand, how can I knowthat he or she won't do that
(02:54):
more and more?
And so in that situation,people will often have a
decrease in serotonin, and adecrease in serotonin always
well, almost always at leastspikes libido, makes your sex
drive become stronger, and soI've asked this so many times
how many of you, when you foundout your marriage was in trouble
, all of a sudden found yourselfcraving sex with your spouse
(03:18):
and becoming more sexual withyour spouse than you have in
years, nearly every hand goes upof the people who are being
cheated on or the people who aretrying to save their marriages.
I used to refer to it asreclaiming territory.
In other words, I've got to getyou back with me.
I'm going to be the onefulfilling you.
I don't want you to befulfilled by somebody else.
(03:39):
And there is some aspect of that, but a lot of it is because
it's driven by fear.
You're afraid you're going tolose the marriage.
Now, if you're trying to put itback together and your spouse
has said, okay, I'm coming home,that fear sometimes will turn
into anger.
Okay, I've been doingeverything I need to do to get
you to come back and finallyyou're here.
And because of the fact thatyou've been working so hard on
(04:03):
getting your spouse to come backand make the marriage good
again, you've not let yourselfdeal with the anger.
You've been pushing it down,pushing it down, pushing it down
, and now that the fear issubsiding, the anger comes up
and sometimes it can be quiteintense and the next thing you
know, the person that you haveworked so hard to get to come
back home so you can put themarriage back together becomes
(04:25):
your biggest enemy.
Because all you can think aboutis how much he or she hurt you,
and you start taking that angerout on them because you hurt so
deeply inside.
Have you felt that yet?
We're not saying that youshould just do away with anger,
because that's not possible.
We're saying that what you dowith anger is that you deal with
(04:47):
it appropriately at the righttime.
Now let's assume then becauseI'm talking to a very specific
audience here that you havedecided that you're going to
take your spouse back and thatyou have done whatever you need
to do to be able to begin tohandle your anger in appropriate
ways, which would probablyinclude forgiving your spouse
(05:09):
and, if he or she was involvedwith somebody else, include
forgiving them, not because theydeserve it, but because of the
fact that you want to setyourself free Now, if you're
that person.
So your spouse is back, youranger is under control, you're
trying to put it back together.
What kind of difficulties mightyou have in restoring passion?
(05:29):
There's a thing in sexologycalled spectatoring.
It's like when a person, ratherthan being in the presence and
being there in the sex actitself, they kind of like have
their brain go up in the cornerup here somewhere and you are
watching you and you're makingjudgments about you and making
judgments about your sexualpartner and therefore you don't
(05:52):
really let yourself go, youdon't really get into the sexual
encounter because of the factthat You're being so judgmental
of you and maybe your partner.
And so one thing I wouldstrongly recommend is, if you're
going to be making love againto your spouse, who had cheated
on you, don't allow yourself todo spectatoring.
You say what do you mean?
(06:12):
Like I'm kind of watchingwhat's happening.
Yeah, spectatoring in thissense probably that you're
wondering what he or she isthinking.
Do they think that I kiss aswell as the partner?
Do they think that I know howto do sexual things as well as
the partner?
Do they think I'm as pretty asthe partner or as handsome as
the partner?
(06:33):
In other words, you're makingjudgments all the time, and
that's what we call spectatoring, and you're judging yourself
against an imaginary personbecause of the fact that you
don't have any true knowledge ofwhat that other person is like
in bed.
You say, well, I'll just ask myspouse, tell me what he or she
was like in bed.
And we say, please don't dothat.
(06:53):
Please don't do that, becauseyou'll get mental images in your
mind that are going to beinaccurate.
And so if you were to say toyour spouse, did you kiss that
person?
And your spouse says, yes, Idid.
Now you'll get a mental imageof that kiss, but it's not
accurate.
You didn't see it.
All you're going to have inyour mind is a fantasy, a mental
(07:17):
picture that's there.
And since it's not accuratenumber one it also can linger a
long time, so that even afteryour spouse heals and is long
past the affair, you might stillbe having those mental pictures
of your spouse doing this orthat or the other or the other
person.
And if you were to ask aboutthose questions like what did
(07:39):
you do with him, what did you dowith her, you might discover
that your spouse did some thingssexually with that partner that
he or she hasn't done with youand that'll hurt your feelings
and make you angry.
And now you're thinking whatabout you?
Are you telling me theydefinitely did that?
No, I'm not telling you theydefinitely did that.
I'm saying that sometimes thathappens because once a person
(08:01):
goes beyond the borders, oncethey cross the boundaries, other
boundaries tend to fall.
And you're saying, but then Ihave to know, I have to ask my
husband or wife did you do that?
That?
That that, no, it's just goingto hurt you and you're going to
find out things that you won'tbe able to deal with because of
the fact that your mind is goingto see it as being a rebellion
(08:21):
against you, when really whatwas happening was falling
boundaries within your spouse'sown head, within your spouse's
own heart.
And so please don't ask forthose pictures, not just
physical pictures, obviously,but those mental pictures
because you will wind upcomparing yourself, you'll wind
up comparing your spouse, andthat leads to a form of
(08:43):
spectatoring, where that youwill never truly let yourself go
in making love to your spouse.
Here's what you should bethinking about instead.
My spouse wants to be with menow, whatever the involvement
was with the other person.
Now, maybe it was what we call ashort-lived affair.
Actually, more often we wouldcall it a high-opportunity,
low-involvement affair, like aone-night stand.
(09:06):
He met that lady over there, orhe was at that convention and
went to bed with that person,and how can I compare myself to
all those different women thathe slept with, or all those
different men that she mighthave slept with?
And you can't, but if you'reconvinced that he's truly
penitent.
What that means is he's trulysorry for what he did and he
(09:28):
really does want to put thingsback together with you.
Then, when you have yourconversations, you can ask him
about how he got into situationsyou know what led to that but
please, please, please as I'vebeen saying, don't ask him or
ask her specific things aboutwhat happened.
Now you can ask things like thishow would you like for our life
(09:52):
to be from this point on, notjust in terms of where we live
and how we live, but how wouldyou like for our life to be from
now on when it comes to sex?
Now, if you ask that well, letme say it this way Don't ask
that.
If you're going to be thinking,uh-huh, my spouse is now
talking about what he or she didwith the other person, if
you're going to think like that,don't ask that question.
(10:12):
But if you can get to the pointwhere it's like, no, we can
make a wonderful sex lifetogether.
We can get to places we'venever been, we can do new and
exciting things, and I stronglyrecommend that you have that
conversation, not ever askingwell, you know, but did you do
that with that other person.
Don't do that.
Just say why would you likethat, how would you think that
(10:33):
would feel?
But you see, at the same timeyou need to be doing the same
thing and make sure that, as youhave these conversations, that
it isn't all just about physicalthings like touch me here, kiss
me there, that it really isalso about very deeply emotional
things, about how much you loveeach other, about how that you
put aside other things to bewith each other, how that you
(10:57):
focus on each other.
So did you understand?
So far we've talked about thefact that forgive.
We've talked about the factthat you can't let yourself
dwell on mental pictures of whatyour spouse did with the other
person, and you certainly won'tsucceed if you wind up comparing
yourself to the other person orwondering how your spouse is
comparing you to the otherperson.
The relationship your spousehas with you is a lot more than
(11:21):
just sexual.
If it's going to be therelationship it needs to be.
It involves the body, but itinvolves the mind, it involves
the intellect, it involves theheart, the emotion.
It even involves the spiritualpart of life, your beliefs and
values.
And thinking that you're goingto fix everything just with the
(11:41):
physical is illogical.
You can't fix it just with thephysical.
We've had people tell us well,my spouse came home the other
day and he made love to me again.
Therefore, I think we're goingto be okay.
You can't fix it just with thephysical.
We're saying yes, if you'reready and if you can forgive,
and if you can stop thinkingabout the other person and you
want to make love to your spouse, do so.
(12:03):
Concentrate on the physical interms of how to give him or her
as much pleasure as you can.
Concentrate on how to guide himor her to give you as much
pleasure as you can experiencephysically speaking.
Don't let either one of youspend time thinking about the
other person.
Make a pact that from thispoint on, you will be honest,
(12:26):
that you're not going to lie toeach other about anything,
including your sexual desires,the things that you would like
to do with each other.
But don't talk about just sex.
Always talk about also theemotions involved with that.
How do you feel about that?
Why does that sound likesomething that would really
sound good to you?
I mean, what do you think youwould accomplish in terms of our
(12:46):
relationship?
I want to know how youremotions fit into this not just
into what your body wants, buthow your mind and your heart and
your soul fit into this.
And if you can have those kindsof conversations, you can
develop a sex life where younever think about that other
person again.
Even better, where your spousenever thinks about that other
(13:08):
person again, because you'regoing to be starting all over
just for the two of you.
But you understand the point Ifyou're going to have passion
with your spouse again, it'sgoing to be by focusing on your
need for sexual and emotionalfulfillment and your spouse's
need for sexual and emotionalfulfillment, but leaving the
(13:32):
past behind.
And yeah, I know that soundslike well, you think we can just
do that that easily.
No, I know you can't, but Iknow you can, you can.
You just can just do that thateasily.
No, I know you can't, but Iknow you can, you can.
You just can't do it thateasily.
And we want to help.
We want to help in every shape,in every way we possibly can.
(13:54):
Because if you say, well, I'mgoing to take him or her back,
but we're just never going tohave sex again, your marriage is
going to wind up in trouble allover again, or I'm going to
take him or her back, but I'mgoing to punish them every day
for what they've done.
No, that's not going to workeither.
I'm going to take him or herback, but I'm going to make them
feel guilty about the thingsthey did with the other person.
Your marriage is doomed if youdo any of those things.
(14:18):
It's a matter of how do youmake it work now, and if you're
thinking but what if he or shehad three different lovers all
the time?
Isn't it true that once acheater, always a cheater?
No, there's a reason that he orshe had those three different
affairs and therefore thereneeds to be some professional
help to help figure out why thathappens, so it can stop.
(14:40):
But that's another reason thatif you have not been through our
three-day intensive workshop,we ask you to come so we can
help you think that through.
And if you'd rather find aprofessional who is a sex
therapist and decide to go tohim or her to help you figure
that out, that's fine too.
Just make sure that that sextherapist has the same belief
and value system that you do.
But even a person who has beena serial offender man or woman
(15:06):
can get past that once theyunderstand what was driving it,
get over it and it will neverhappen again and they can be
faithful to their spouses forthe rest of their life.
So no, it's not true that oncea cheater, always a cheater.
If that person doesn't find outwhat's driving that and doesn't
(15:27):
deal with that, then, yes, itmay be true Once a cheater,
always a cheater.
Do you believe you can have agreat sex life together?
I'm telling you you can.
We have worked with thousandsand I'm not exaggerating
thousands of couples whereeither the husband has cheated
(15:47):
or the wife has cheatedsometimes not just in a
one-night stand, sometimes in adeep, emotional, long-term
affair with another person, butfinally realizes what's right
and what's good and what theyreally want in life is to be
back with their spouse again,who have put those marriages
back together, even after allkinds of horrendous actions took
place earlier that they put themarriage back together and are
happily married Now, notperfectly married, because that
(16:10):
doesn't exist, but happilymarried.
Is that what you want?
You can have it.
Please call us.
We'd love to help in whateverway we can.
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.