September 5, 2023 • 62 mins
Have you ever wondered how your past influences your present and future, especially in your relationships? We're thrilled to have the highly esteemed Dr. Spirit, a certified therapist, unravel this mystery in our latest podcast episode. Dr. Spirit enlightens us on the profound impacts of emotional triggers, typically shaped by childhood experiences and traumas, and often left unaddressed. From silence, poverty, racism to learning disabilities, she uncovers the many factors that can birth these triggers, and highlights the transformative power of therapy in healing and personal growth.
Navigating relationships can be tricky, but have no fear, Dr. Spirit expertly guides us through it. She helps us understand the fear of rejection, the power of setting healthy boundaries, and how to overcome insecurities. We delve into the uncanny connection between our past and our behavior in relationships. How often have you found yourself in familiar patterns of behavior without understanding why? Or felt the dread of vulnerability in a relationship? Dr. Spirit equips us with tools to address these fears and guides us in understanding our emotions, thoughts, and behavior.
The episode takes a deeper turn as we explore the profound impact of trauma on our lives and relationships, and how it's sometimes passed down through generations. This leads us into a vital discussion on healing and self-care, and how to break free from the cycle of intergenerational trauma. We conclude by acknowledging the importance of recognizing our worth, the strength of healing together, and the immense dedication of Dr. Spirit to helping individuals navigate their healing journey. Tune in for an enlightening discussion on emotional triggers, relationships, and the power of healing.
//LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE
Help us grow by subscribing and liking on YouTube!
//COMMENT
Share your thoughts. Please let us know in the comments below.
//REVIEW
Did you enjoy this episode? If so, please leave a short review.
//BOOKS
Relationships Matter by Chanel Scott
//SOCIAL
Instagram RelationshipsMatterLive
//CONTACT
Hosts
Instagram: Chanel N. Scott
Instagram: Josh Powell
For business inquiries:
prteam@CheMinistry.com
NEW HERE
Opposing experiences, a single woman and a married man, Chanel Scott, and Josh Powell, create a powerful and empathetic team, offering valuable insights and advice on navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and promoting healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Join Chanel and Josh as they unlock the secrets of successful relationships one conversation at a time.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Chanel Scott (00:01):
Welcome to the Relationships of Matter podcast.
Josh Powell (00:03):
I'm Chanel Scott and I am Josh Powell.
Chanel Scott (00:07):
So today we're going to be talking about
emotional triggers.
We have a very special guesthere tonight, dr Spirit.
(00:53):
We're so excited.
We've been waiting to have you.
Dr Spirit is a licensedtherapist, tv radio host and the
owner of T2S Enterprises, amental health service that
strives to help people achievethe types of relationships they
dream of having, beginning withthemselves.
So today we're going to betalking about emotional triggers
(01:13):
, and I'm looking forward.
I don't know if anybody else is.
I'm looking forward to askingyou tremendous amount of
questions regarding this topic.
I just want to jump right inand I just want to ask what does
being triggered really mean,and is it normal to be triggered
by your partner?
Dr. Spirit (01:33):
Well, it's normal to be triggered by everything
around us.
And what that really means.
To be triggered is to havethings touched that are
sensitive parts of us, and so,unfortunately, or fortunately,
part of the human experiencesthat we carry wounds, hurts,
pain, disappointment, rejection,abandonment you name it.
And so the environments areconstantly triggering us because
(01:56):
most of us haven't done ourwork to heal ourselves, and so
when I talk about healing, Iusually say that it is healing
as a lifelong journey andprocess.
So we're constantly beingrewounded, and if we don't do
the work constantly to be ableto manage and heal and
rehabilitate those wounds, wewill be triggered by everything
and everybody around us.
Chanel Scott (02:19):
Okay.
So I want to ask how do youpractically do the work, like,
where do we start with?
Dr. Spirit (02:24):
the work I love to tell people therapy, therapy and
you know, therapy for a lot ofus, really, in all seriousness,
is a luxury.
It is something that for manygenerations we had not had the
ability to do, and even once wedid, a lot of us had suffered so
much harm by the health caresystem that it wasn't a trusted
(02:48):
place for us.
And so, especially incommunities of color, as we are
part of the global majority,many of us sought out the church
.
We sought out our elders.
You know, sitting at the feetof big mama for generations was
the way to do it, but we didn'teven understand the hurt that
she carried and the way thateven opening up a lot of those
things was triggering for her.
(03:10):
And so you know, we sit in aworld nowadays where we say,
even to go to therapy isdifficult, because what people
don't understand is it requiresyou to be in three places at one
time.
So when you are dealing withtherapy, you are dealing with
your triggers or all of thetrauma that you've carried with
you.
So we're, in the past,constantly trying to focus on
(03:34):
how to deal with everything wehave to deal with right now as
we prepare for everything thatis yet to come, and so it's a
lot of work all at one time, andit's it can be overwhelming for
a lot of folks.
It can be triggering in and ofitself.
Josh Powell (03:50):
So when you talked about traumas and triggers,
where does a bulk of it stem andwhat part of our life?
Because I think this isimportant for people to
understand when we're talkingrelationships.
Dr. Spirit (04:00):
Yeah, I think that most of it comes from our
childhood and it is somethingthat people don't understand.
So when we talk about mentalhealth or mental wellness,
mental illness, most peopledon't even realize that 50% of
all mental illness developsbefore the age of 14, 50% and
75% before the age of 23.
(04:21):
And so that means that most ofus are experiencing things in
our childhood that,unfortunately, we don't have the
capacity to be able to dealwith and we don't get the help
that we need, and so we carrythat with us for decades and so
we don't make the connections.
Also, that the things that weexperience at any point of our
life affects the rest of ourlife until we're able to deal
(04:42):
with it.
So I'll have people that willcome into therapy at 40, 50, 60
years old who have not dealtwith child sexual abuse, the
divorce of their parents, anabsent parent, the passing of a
grandparent, the firstheartbreak in adolescence, the
divorce that they had in their20s, the tragedies around
(05:03):
childbirth, the heartbreaks ofteachers or coaches, and all the
things that we carry that theythink for some reason it should
just go away or it shouldn'tmatter.
And unfortunately, then whenthey get into relationships
where they are wounded or theyexperience similar experiences
that are unresolved, thatbecomes triggering and they
(05:24):
don't understand what it'sconnected to.
Josh Powell (05:27):
Before I kick it back to Chanel, I got one more
question.
What are some triggers ortraumas that people don't
identify as triggers or traumas?
Because, it's easy to say adeath.
Most people don't think of abreakup as something that could
be that it's easy to say abuseor anything like that.
(05:49):
What have you seen in yourprofession like that are things
that people don't identify with.
Dr. Spirit (05:56):
Yeah, I would say it's things like being silenced
as a child, not really beingpaid attention to, especially in
generations where we weretaught children are to be seen
and not heard.
Right, or you will do what youwere told.
Or having older siblings,sometimes, where you are the
youngest or the middle child whoreceives hand-me-downs and
(06:18):
never gets anything new, becausepoverty, poverty can be a
trigger.
Racism, a huge one, misogyny, ahuge one, I would say.
Learning disabilities isanother one.
Autism Most folks don't evenrealize that they are on the
spectrum.
(06:39):
Adhd, dyslexia, problems thatwere learning issues that were
never addressed, that kind offloated under the radar.
But those individuals knew thatthey were struggling in school
and they often look likebehavior problems.
And so discipline was put inplace where treatment should
have been.
And so people come intoadulthood and they have decided
(07:00):
at different points in theirlives man, when I'm a grown up,
I can't wait.
I'm never going to let peopletreat me a certain way, I'm
never going to let people talkto me a certain way.
And so they come into adulthoodand they come into
relationships with people and Itell folks all the time that
your adult relationships aredoing one of two things they are
allowing you to heal thosetraumas of the past or they are
(07:23):
allowing you to recreate andreenact those.
And so we, subconsciously, willchoose partners, whether they
are romantic partners, friends,coworkers, colleagues, you name
it.
We will choose relationshipsthat mirror those childhood,
childhood experiences that wehaven't been able to resolve,
and we will reenact them.
(07:44):
And so then you don't evenrecognize how did I wind up
marrying somebody who is justlike my mother?
I said I would never be withsomebody like her.
You hear, man, you are justlike your father.
Well, I didn't know my father,but you are just like him.
And so there are all of these,and we haven't even talked about
the intergenerational trauma,because what happens to our
(08:07):
ancestors, our grandparents, ourgreat grandparents, all of it
gets passed down in our learning, in our lessons, in our
heartbreak, in the ways that weare raised, and our parents are
often teaching us what it isthat they learned.
And so I love to tell people weare constantly being raised and
prepared for a world that nolonger exists, because, even us,
(08:29):
the lessons that our parentsgave us were the ones they got
from their parents and we're in2023.
And most of our grandparentswere late 1800s to the early 20s
, 30s and 40s.
That world is gone, and so eventhat can be traumatic and we
don't even realize it.
Chanel Scott (08:47):
Okay, how do you identify when you're being
triggered over against.
If you're just dissatisfiedwith a particular situation, how
can you identify that?
Okay, is that a trigger, or isthat something that I'm just not
happy with in this moment?
Or is it something that?
I carry.
(09:08):
You know from what which?
How do you know the difference?
Dr. Spirit (09:11):
Well, it's a great question, and the reality is
they're really one in the same,because dissatisfaction is a
triggered emotion, right?
So all the trigger is just tosay that an emotion has been
raised, and the question is areyou connected to what that
emotion is and what it's tryingto signal to you?
So if I'm being, if I'm in asituation where I'm experiencing
(09:34):
dissatisfaction, what am Idissatisfied with?
Your body is actually givingyou, it's whispering to you.
There is something here thatneeds to change, and so the
emotion that you don't want tofeel when, once we get really
good and about feelings andunderstanding the way it works
is if I'm feeling dissatisfied,that means I have a need for
(09:56):
satisfaction.
What is it that needs to besatisfied?
What changes have to happen inmy life or in this relationship
or the circumstance so I canmove from dissatisfaction to
satisfaction?
Every emotion that is triggeredin us is communicating
something to us in order to moveus towards wellness.
Josh Powell (10:19):
We'll talk about it later, when we get back.
Relationships matter Podcasts.
Relationships matter.
I need you to understand.
Chanel Scott (10:29):
Relationships matter.
Welcome back to RelationshipsMatter, the podcast.
We're here with Dr Spirit andwe're talking about emotional
triggers, so I'm going to takeadvantage of you being here
today.
And I want to talk about theshow, the premise of the show.
We deal with romanticrelationships.
(10:51):
I mean, we deal with ourrelationships, with mainly
romantic relationships, one ofmy favorites and one of the
struggles that I have had.
I'm 49 years old, never married, no children, and in my life I
have experienced a tremendousamount of rejection and I
noticed that in any relationshipor friendship, those wounds,
(11:13):
they continue to resurface and Idon't care how much I think
I've done work, something willalways come up.
I don't care what it is, you'llthink you're good.
It'll come up and it's like howdo you address that?
How do you Like?
I recognize at this age thatwhatever relationship didn't
(11:37):
work out, it wasn't supposed towork out, like in most times,
I'll see why it didn't work outand we'll be grateful Okay, god,
I'm so glad that you didn'tallow that.
You didn't allow that to workout, but I still carry the
wounds.
So when I enter into a newfriendship or relationship,
those wounds of rejection I havethis complex about not being
(11:58):
chosen, because just about anysignificant relationship in my
life, from the time that I wasold enough to date, has resulted
in me not being the one chosen.
Dr. Spirit (12:11):
Well tell me about how you do relationship that
puts you in the position to bechosen versus doing the choosing
.
Chanel Scott (12:24):
Well, for one I mean not knowing who I, not
knowing my self-worth, and Iunderstand that and not knowing
who I am and not knowing mypurpose, which I now tapped into
.
So I recognize that that's howI got caught up in situations
where I allowed certainscenarios to go on way past
(12:48):
their due date Right and so.
But then I guess, just like now, I don't think I was staying a
situation that didn't serve meor where I wasn't being treated
well.
But in times past I overstayed,because I either just wanted
what I wanted I know it's anissue of control, I recognize
(13:10):
that or just not knowing how towalk away, or just not thinking
that there was better.
For some reason, especially whenyou're in love, you don't think
that it's always better.
Now that has proven to be true,but in those moments you don't
think that there's anyone better.
(13:31):
Now they could be treating youlike crap, but you're like it's
no one better.
I just wanna be with thatperson and that's because we.
I know in the past I would livevicariously through certain
situations or attach my value toa man because I didn't know who
I was and I didn't know myvalue, and so that's what kept
me like I don't know, caught upin these crazy situations in the
(13:54):
past.
But then, like now, I don't dothat, but I still carry the hurt
.
Dr. Spirit (14:02):
Yeah.
So that's why it's so importantfor us to do our work, because
here's the interesting thing isthat when we haven't done our
work, the versions of ourselvesthat people are attracted to are
going to be people andexperiences that we don't wanna
have, because like attracts like, and so if you are sitting in a
(14:25):
situation with somebody one, Ialways tell people when they are
starting therapy.
If they don't have a partner, Itell them I would highly
encourage you not to date duringthis time, unless you're dating
either for practice or you'redating just for companionship.
But the idea of dating to finda life made at this point is not
going to be what you want,because you are gonna choose
(14:47):
someone who is attracted to theunhealed version of you and how
you look on the other side ofhealing as a whole complete,
healthy person with newperspectives, new desires, new
needs, new goals, new placesthat you wanna go.
That person may not becompatible with that, and so
unfortunately, especially forwomen, we sit in a vantage point
(15:10):
of being chosen.
If he likes us, sure I'll giveit a try.
As opposed to being very clearabout who you are, where you're
trying to go and what yourforever looks like, and then I
tell people when you're dating,that's really supposed to be an
interview process.
It's about compatibility.
It's about let me assess whoyou are and how you fit, and I
(15:32):
love to describe relationshipsas kind of.
You are the CEO of your life.
You were looking for the COO,and so how would you handle a
business partner?
You would wanna know about thegoodness of fit.
You wouldn't simply say youlike me and you're attracted to
me.
Now let me try to continue tobe whatever it is that I think
you want me to be, so that youwill continue to choose me.
(15:55):
So it's really important thatwe look at the type of
relationships that we findourselves in and the question
around rejection.
I'm curious what is the storythat you tell yourself about you
when you go into relationshipswanting to be chosen and not
have that experience ofrejection again, how do you show
(16:16):
up when you date?
Chanel Scott (16:18):
Gosh, I'm when I go into, so I don't date because
, whenever I go into a situation, I'm always looking for when
it's gonna go bad.
Yeah, I'm always like it couldbe great and I'm always looking
for that moment when it takes aturn.
Why Cause that's been thepattern.
Dr. Spirit (16:40):
So if you go into a relationship expecting already
for the shoe to drop, because inevery other relationship the
shoe has dropped, how do youshow up as your whole, complete
self?
I?
Chanel Scott (16:54):
don't know and I haven't had the experience to
really answer that question.
To be honest, I haven't been ina relationship in over 10 years
and, like the one person that Ispent some time, it wasn't a
relationship, it was so, it wasmore of a casual thing.
And then it was.
(17:14):
Did it feel safer?
No, it wasn't safe at all.
Exactly, it became something todo.
Dr. Spirit (17:24):
But you desire something different, Absolutely.
Where do you think thedisconnect is for you in between
?
I desire something different,but everything that I go into
I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.
I don't know.
Chanel Scott (17:37):
Cause I just my thing is, like I always where I
see.
The problem for me is that I'malways I'm worried about that
whole chosen thing just takesover my whole mental Like.
I fear, like is he datingsomeone else?
Is there someone else?
(17:57):
So then I run myself crazy withthat Like, instead of just
going through the motions not somuch now, because I'm a little
bit more clear minded aboutwhere I want to go.
So I'll put up boundaries now,whereas before I would jump in
because I didn't know my valueand I would see so much value in
that person.
I would jump in here at firstand then it would go.
Now I just kind of put upboundaries, like if I do meet
(18:18):
someone, I might spend time withyou today, but you might not
see me for the next month.
Why?
And that's just my way ofprotecting myself so that I
don't.
Dr. Spirit (18:26):
So where did we learn that we have to protect
ourselves from the person thatwe want to spend forever?
Chanel Scott (18:31):
with.
I just don't want to be hurt?
Dr. Spirit (18:32):
Yeah, but how can you ever be loved if you go into
a relationship protectingyourself from the person who is
supposed to love you?
Chanel Scott (18:43):
Right.
I don't know how to do that,because there's never not been a
time where there wasn't anotherwoman involved.
Dr. Spirit (18:50):
How far back does that go?
Chanel Scott (18:52):
Oh to teenager.
There's never not been that.
And my fear is like I could getto know this guy and not be
concerned about what he's doingwhen he's not with me.
But then my fear is, if Icontinue to get to know him,
then ultimately he's not gonnachoose me.
Dr. Spirit (19:11):
And I just can't let that happen.
Have you ever asked yourselfwhat is it about me that chooses
not just attracts, but thatchooses men who cannot be
faithful?
Chanel Scott (19:23):
That's a good question, and that was the type
of men that I attract all of myas long as I've been old enough.
To date, I have attracted menwho was not faithful.
Dr. Spirit (19:33):
Who were the men in your life and what were they
like before you started dating?
Chanel Scott (19:38):
So my dad, amazing dad cheater.
I mean, I'm a dad's girl, um,but he cheated.
Did you know that he cheated?
Yes.
I knew he cheated early onbecause he had my, he got my
mom's best friend pregnant andso and he raised me, I lived
with him during my teenage yearsand so you know the, you know,
(20:01):
you hear the chatter amongst theadults and everything.
And I had a relationship withthis lady, you know, because she
, she, she loved me, she treatedme well, and so it wasn't until
I became an adult that I fullyunderstood the dynamics of that
relationship.
And I'm like you, lucky, you soalive man.
You know, but as a kid I mean Iheard it but I didn't fully
(20:22):
understand it.
Dr. Spirit (20:23):
So Josh talked about and you asked the question
about hidden trauma.
You grow up with this amazingman who is your father, who also
cannot be faithful Absolutely.
Would you say that most of themen that you meet and you give a
shot at love?
Chanel Scott (20:39):
They're just like my dad.
Dr. Spirit (20:40):
There we go.
Do you see how it works?
We become imprinted right,Because in that feeling what
happens is love and all the goodstuff also gets attached to the
wounds of the painful stuff.
And because we're children, wehave to learn how to stay in
that and survive it and justnavigate it the best way that we
can.
And when we leave thoserelationships, we find things
(21:04):
that are familiar to us.
Even if we don't know that weare doing it and even if we
don't necessarily like it, weknow how to navigate it.
So you know how to navigaterejection.
You know how to navigateprotecting yourself.
You know how to navigate notgiving your whole heart away.
What you don't know how tonavigate is to be completely
(21:24):
open and vulnerable and free,and there's probably some fear
in doing that also.
Chanel Scott (21:29):
That's a scary place to be.
Josh Powell (21:31):
So so, dr, you given out some.
That was some good dialoguebetween you and Chanel.
But I have a question and we'llget to it when we get back.
But basically, what I want toask, to start this off, is is
there a difference between atrigger or a behavioral pattern?
Dr. Spirit (21:52):
Better.
I can't wait to answer.
Josh Powell (21:56):
See you all in a minute.
Relationships matter.
I need to understandrelationships matter.
Chanel Scott (22:08):
Welcome back to relationships matter the podcast
.
So before we went to break, wewe were talking about emotional
triggers and Josh, you had aquestion for Dr Spirit.
What was your question?
Josh Powell (22:20):
Yeah, I wanted to ask the difference, if there is
one, between a trigger or abehavioral pattern and where
that comes from.
Okay, in my dating life I havedealt with women who constantly
seem to point the finger and sayI'm triggering them.
(22:41):
So one, why would you stillwant to be with me?
But that's another question.
But for two, you can't blameeverything, stating that there's
some type of trigger, that I'mdoing something when you are
acting and behaving the way thatyou are, which has nothing to
do with me as far as thatsituation goes.
So that's why I wanted to askthe question if there is a
(23:04):
difference.
Dr. Spirit (23:05):
Okay, so interesting that you're having the same
situation in multiplerelationships.
So my question to you is do youdate the same type of woman
over and over and, if so, whoare you dating?
Josh Powell (23:23):
I've had children by similar, but I've dated a
wide range of women throughoutmy dating history.
Dr. Spirit (23:36):
Well, the interesting thing is that
variety doesn't always meandifferent.
We can date what looksdifferent but behaviorally.
Josh Powell (23:45):
I'm speaking only on behavior.
Dr. Spirit (23:48):
Yeah, so the only common denominator in that
situation?
Yeah, so the choosing becomesinteresting.
But let me answer your questionfirst.
And then we got to go therebecause that's such a good
example.
But to answer your questionaround emotional triggers versus
behavioral patterns yes, theyare different, and so I tell
(24:08):
people that we have three partsof ourselves our feelings, our
thoughts and our behaviors.
Our feelings are our body'salarm systems to our needs.
So your body gives you feelingsto tell you what you need in
order to be okay.
So rejection, as we talkedabout, is a feeling.
Disatisfaction is a feeling, sois love, so is fear, so is
(24:31):
anger.
Every emotion that you have isa feeling that is trying to tell
you what you need or don't needin your environment and within
you in order to be okay.
The thoughts are what you use,the strategies that you come up
with in order to satisfy yourfeelings or to get your needs
met.
So if I feel rejection and Idon't want to feel rejection,
(24:53):
the opposite of that isacceptance.
I want to feel acceptance.
So what do I do?
I start to think about what canI do to be accepted?
Right, I can say things, I candress a certain way, I can show
up and behave a certain way, westart to think about all these
different things that we can do.
The doing is the behavior, andso when we have behavior
(25:16):
patterns, those are things thatwe are doing over and over again
in effort to try to get a needmet.
So when these women tell youyou're triggering me, the real
question is what am I triggering?
But you heard me say a littlewhile ago that when we choose
partners, we are eithertriggering things in order to
(25:36):
heal them or in order to repeatcycles or patterns, and so the
question becomes what needs areyou trying to get met in the
relationships that you'rechoosing, and what is it about
the way that you guys go throughthese cycles that it's not
healing what's being brought up?
That's the real question, andso it would be interesting to
(26:00):
learn about the kinds of womenyou choose and the experiences
that you have and what istriggered in them, but also,
what are they triggering in you?
It's really, really, when wecan crack these codes, the more
that we can understand how we'reshowing up and how we're
choosing every single experiencethat we're having.
(26:21):
It then allows us to ask andanswer the question.
If I'm not getting what it isthat I want, then what are my
choices serving?
What need is this meeting?
And sometimes here's the reallyinteresting part of this
Sometimes the very thing that wesay that we want, we sabotage
ourselves from actually havingto get, because the fear and the
(26:44):
vulnerability that gets createdand going after it or being
presented with it can oftenoverwhelm us.
So if we live the life wherewe've been rejected over and
over but what we really want isreally true love, but we look
and say, well, what would ittake for me to have that
ultimate vulnerability, awillingness to show up, a
willingness to not need to bechosen but to actually risk not
(27:08):
being chosen, all of thosethings can be so scary that
we'll avoid it like the plague.
Chanel Scott (27:19):
Wow, I think when I think about the triggers or
the behavioral patterns, I knowfor me I'm a doer, I'm a giver
and a lot of times in the pastI've given to Garner someone's
attention, and in this season Ijust don't want to do that.
Dr. Spirit (27:43):
To Garner their attention or to Garner being
chosen?
To Garner being chosen.
Chanel Scott (27:48):
And it's like, but it's just like, how do you
distinguish between the two?
Because I'm still by naturethat I do that anyway if it's my
family, my friends, but thenhow do you balance that or
create boundaries around thatwhere you're not being taken
advantage of?
You know, and for me I have todo a self-check to make sure
(28:08):
that my motives are right whenI'm doing what I'm doing.
If I feel like there'ssomething else behind it, then I
have to stop, because I don'twant a friendship, a
relationship, from someone thatI have to buy, and I've been
guilty of that in the past.
Dr. Spirit (28:28):
Well, and I wonder also, what does it look like to
be in relationships with peoplewhere you have to set a boundary
so they won't take advantage ofyou?
See, because I can tell you forme, at least at this point in
the journey, because let me tellyou, 20s and 30s, I was a hot
mess Pre-work, oh gosh, Itotally get what it means to be
(28:50):
doing the work.
But when you recognize I am inrelationships with people where,
if I don't set boundaries, theywill take advantage of me, that
in and of itself is anemotional trigger constantly
that you may or may not be awareof.
Because what does it feel liketo be in relationship with
people who would take advantageof you and for you to have to
(29:13):
constantly be the person whosays this is where I have to
stop giving and that goesagainst my nature?
Right, and this point in mylife, I don't want to be with
anybody in any form ofrelationship where I have to
worry about being takenadvantage of.
And so when we talk abouthealthy boundaries, I like to
tell people that's the placewhere I can love you and me
(29:34):
simultaneously.
That's where the boundary issupposed to sit, where it's
healthy.
But if you recognize as apattern that I have totally been
in relationships with peoplearound me in non-romantic ways
that take advantage of me.
You have to know what we do inone place we tend to do in
others.
So it is going to be naturalthat you will choose somebody
(29:57):
who is likely to take advantageof you because it feels familiar
.
So until you have the awarenessand until you can do the work
in that to lay the rightboundary, you will continue to
invite other people into thatspace and then you'll be in a
relationship where you'refrustrated because you love them
and you're giving but you'renot getting in return and you
don't feel safe.
(30:17):
Right.
Josh Powell (30:18):
And that is extremely powerful and you're
giving out so much.
So, look, when we get backafter this break, I want you to
talk about how deep the traumagoes.
I've been blessed enough tohear you give this information
starting from the womb, so Iwant you to educate us when we
(30:42):
get back.
Okay, and talk about how deepthe trauma goes.
We'll talk about it later, whenwe get back.
Relationships matter Podcasts.
Chanel Scott (31:01):
Welcome back to relationships matter, the
podcast.
So before we went to break, wewere talking about emotional
triggers and, josh, you had aquestion for Dr Spirit.
What was your question?
Josh Powell (31:13):
I really feel like people either want to blame a
situation or a circumstance,even though that doesn't
discredit the impacts.
But I've been very blessed tohave many conversations with you
, like my favorite IT Wait, Igot enough great ideas.
(31:37):
Talk to us about the one andplease educate you know us
myself again, but Chanel, butalso our viewers on how deep
trauma really runs.
Dr. Spirit (31:53):
Man, it's so deep.
And so, yes, josh said we havehad conversations around and
what it's called is epigenetics,right.
And so when we talk aboutrelationships, we cannot talk
about the relationship thatwe're having with ourselves
without even thinking about theimpact of what it meant to be in
our mother's wounds, but evenmore deeply in our grandmother's
(32:13):
wounds.
And people will often sayspirit, what do you mean in your
grandmother's womb?
And I say, well, do you knowthat you literally spent four to
five months in yourgrandmother's womb and the
quality of her pregnancy withyour mother literally impacted
(32:34):
you today?
And so people say, well, how isthat possible?
And it's very simple, and it'sliterally.
Science is that every girl,every woman, is born with all
the eggs that she will ever haveto create life at the time that
she enters this world, and sothose eggs actually happen
(32:58):
around month four or five inutero.
And so that means that you, youregg, was literally in your
mother when she was four to fivemonths in utero, in your
maternal grandmother.
And so when we talk abouteverything that passes through
the umbilical cord,unfortunately it's not just all
(33:19):
the good stuff in the DNA, it'sall of the stress.
And so when we think about thestressors that our elders and
our ancestors have experienced,whether it's enslavement,
whether it's forced migration,whether it's poverty, domestic
violence, alcoholism, you nameit, the list goes on and on.
(33:41):
But all of these things, all ofthe cortisol, all of the stress
hormones, all of the anxiety,all of the biological components
, or lack thereof, and thenutrients, all of that got
passed down to us, and thatdetermines genetic
predisposition.
And so when we talk about someof these things and we say well,
I don't understand why I'mdealing with anxiety or
(34:04):
depression or bipolar disorderor ADHD or any of these other
genetically uh predisposedillnesses, we can't talk about
your history without talkingabout your parents' history.
And we also, as I love to say,we can't talk about how you love
as an adult without talkingabout how you were loved as a
(34:26):
child, because it all matters.
And so, when we get intorelationship, every single thing
that we are doing in our lifeis a form of relationship,
including the relationship thatwe are having, most importantly
and first and foremost, withourselves.
It is literally that profound.
Josh Powell (34:45):
How important is that relationship with yourself?
Dr. Spirit (34:50):
The relationship that you're having with yourself
.
Josh Powell (34:52):
I know that's like a broad that's a podcast in and
of itself, but I want you to tapinto that, however you feel,
because that can bless somebodysomewhere.
Dr. Spirit (35:03):
I think that every relationship begins and ends
with the relationship thatyou're having with yourself, and
I think it starts first andforemost with your physical and
your mental wellness, becausethose are two things that no
amount of money can buy.
Money can help you get to thewellness sometimes, but it can't
help you achieve or maintain it, and so I think, also
(35:25):
understanding how those twothings are inextricably linked.
Most people don't recognizethat so many of the physical
symptoms that they are dealingwith are impacted by or
impacting the quality of theirmental health and wellness.
We don't understand that whenwe say I have an anxiety
disorder, that that also comeswith the physical symptoms, the
racing thoughts, the insomnia,the tightness in your chest.
(35:48):
But some of those things likeback aches and neck aches and
infertility issues, we don'trecognize that those are tied to
that.
We don't recognize that whenyou're talking about depression,
I'm dealing with depression.
Yes, that's a mental healthdiagnosis, but that also has
physical symptoms.
It affects the way you eat ordon't eat, the way you sleep or
don't sleep, your motivation,your actual ability to move,
(36:11):
physical fatigue and aches andpains in your body, strokes and
heart attacks, and all of thesethings are all determined by
quality of mental health andwellness, to the point that a
lot of people don't evenrecognize that, say, for example
, natural disasters or extremelystressful situations.
We talk about shooting in gunviolence nowadays, that in
(36:33):
certain experiences, more peopledie as a result of the stress
after from having heart attacksand strokes than they do in the
actual natural disasters or theman made disasters that we're
creating.
It is literally all intertwined, and so when you think about
how you are experiencing theworld, first internally, how do
(36:55):
you feel?
How are you eating?
How are you sleeping?
How are you thinking?
How clear are you?
How do you feel about safety?
How do you feel about future?
How do you feel about security?
How do you feel about support?
All of those things areinternal, individualistic things
, and those determine how youdeal with everything else in
(37:17):
your life, including the peoplearound you.
So oftentimes you can recognizewhen something is not right with
a person, something is off,when they have something going
on, and sometimes people willjoke about it.
They'll say things like oh girl, you need to get some.
Oh, girl, you got some.
Who is he?
What's different?
(37:38):
Oh, you need to put thatboundary on your parents.
Are you going to let them treatyou like that?
Are you just going to let thisperson walk all over you?
Oh, you know that persondoesn't like conflict.
Oh, you know, they are justsuch a negative.
Nancy, right, we can recognizethings that people are
experiencing.
Sometimes we can even recognizewhat we're experiencing, but we
don't make the connection thatthat is related to the quality
(38:01):
of our mental health andwellness and the relationship
that we are having internally.
Chanel Scott (38:06):
How do you reconcile the emotional trigger,
whether it be friendship,family, and maintain a healthy
relationship at the same time?
Cause people are so quick tosay I don't want to be around
that person anymore, I don'twant to be your friend, or I'm
going to, you know, create someboundaries, or I'm going to
(38:28):
protect my peace, or you know, Ido that to my mom.
I'm so guilty of that, you knowI'll call you later.
So how do you do that?
How do you, you know, correctthat and still maintain the
relationship?
Dr. Spirit (38:39):
Well, you know what's really interesting about
that?
It's really early in my career,when I was kind of textbook,
where you just learn a certainway and I think um, to large
degree, a very Eurocentric wayof doing things.
Um, just, culturally speaking,the Eurocentric way tends to be
a very individualistic model, asopposed to global majorities,
(39:00):
where it's more collective andwe are raised as a village.
We are raised to be veryoftentimes enmeshed or really
about family throughoutgenerations and there are rules
for how we function.
That's very different.
Um, and in training, especiallywithin mental health, we talk
about things like culturalcompetency or even now, cultural
(39:21):
humility, which isunderstanding and layering in
what it looks like to be a partof global majority culture as
opposed to, uh, mainstreamWestern culture.
Um, and our training has beenvery interesting because I don't
know if you guys are aware ofthis, but clinicians of color
very few and far in between.
(39:42):
As a black woman, I make up 4%of all licensed professionals
across the country, and blackmen we outnumbered them six to
one in this field, and so,without that representation, we
also don't recognize what itmeans to be a part of a black
family, black relationships thatlook different, and so I think
(40:04):
one of the things that was veryinteresting is when I very first
started doing the work.
How I learned it was you dowhatever you have to do to
protect your peace.
If that person treated youwrong, you just leave them alone
.
And then, once I started to domy own work and once I got a
little more comfortable in thework, and I recognize you ain't
leaving your mama, you stillwant to be in relationship with
(40:25):
your sister Absolutely Right,and I started to see that
differently.
And so what I can say is, as aclinician, for where I am at
this point in the journey, how Isee the people that sit in
front of me.
I see them as the chainbreakers.
You are the person that isgetting a different type of
healing in your family that, ifyou do it right, is going to
(40:46):
change the the trajectory forgenerations to come.
But that can be a very lonelyplace to sit in, because you are
still part of the family andall of the dysfunction and the
pain and the wounds that you'vecome from.
And so you have to do a form ofcode switching, if you will,
because you have to learn how tonavigate both worlds the
(41:07):
healthy one, that looks verydifferent and the toxic one that
you've come from and just causeyou getting healed, don't mean
that everybody else around youwant to get healed.
Oftentimes they will rejectwhat's happening because you're
changing and they don't like it,and that kind of reflects
sometimes and puts pressure onyou in a different way.
They'll go oh, you think youbetter than us now.
Oh, look at you.
(41:27):
Oh, you know so.
Oh, you gone, you gone.
I'll serve boundaries on me.
You better put those boundariesright over there when you come
into my house.
You're going to do it my way.
And so there are all of thesethings that go along with
healing that can be very painful, and so one of the things that
I prepare my clients for is theloneliness that comes with being
healed, because what you willstart to find is your
(41:51):
relationships will change.
You will have less interactionswith some of the people that you
love the most, but what you canyou can count on is that they
will be higher qualityinteractions, because what you
will do is take care of yourselfand those relationships in ways
that you hadn't before.
So even when you say now I willhave to put the brakes on my
(42:13):
mama, I love her, but Irecognize where I have to draw
the line.
You're taking care of you andyou are giving yourself what you
need, and so, ultimately, thatis the most important
relationship that you have, andyou are obligated and
responsible for taking care ofyourself.
You know so.
I sometimes talk about it to myclients.
(42:34):
It's like you are the captain,but your soul is the co-pilot.
You are the security guard, youare the gatekeeper, you are the
navigator, and if you will nottake care of your soul, if your
soul cannot count on you to takecare of it, you will never be
in true relationship withyourself, because you will
constantly be on autopilot, justtrying to survive.
(42:58):
All of the things that you'renot willing to deal with, that
are requiring you to take careof you in order to be okay.
Josh Powell (43:06):
So, my goodness, I had my question because you know
we're about to go to break.
Oh, okay, we're about to breakbut I'm not going to lose this
point, because you talked abouthealed people and how it's a
lonely journey to it to it to ahealed people, right, but the
journey like, as far as you know, moving forward, we would like
(43:28):
to think that it's going tobring on all of these different
things, but it's actually a lotdifferent experience.
So I do want to touch on thatwhen we get back from the break.
But I also want to ask you apersonal question, because when
people see you right, they seewho you are now, but if you
could tap into something thattriggered you or a trauma and
(43:48):
how you overcame that, thatwould be helpful for somebody.
When we get back, relationshipsmatter podcast.
Chanel Scott (44:06):
Welcome back to relationships matter, the
podcast.
So before we went to break DrSpirit, we were asking you about
a personal experience thatcaused maybe you to be triggered
.
Dr. Spirit (44:17):
Would you like to?
Chanel Scott (44:18):
share with us.
Dr. Spirit (44:19):
I would, and I love that you asked that.
It's great, because most peopledon't even bother to ask.
They forget that we're peopletoo, and I love to constantly
remind people.
I'm like mm.
Do not put me up on a pedestal,cause I will jump head first
and embarrass myself and justlay right there.
I think it's important, though,because I think sometimes
(44:40):
people need to see healingmodeled for them.
I think that's a good way tosay that that healing in and of
itself is a lifelong journey.
We're going to constantly bewounded and rewounded over and
over again, but it's aboutmaking space in your body and in
your life for you to be able todeal with those things in ways
that don't overwhelm you, and soI love to tell folks do not let
(45:03):
these letters after my namefool you.
Okay, we all have enough lifein order to have to manage
traumas and triggers, and one ofthe things that I am very big
on and if you guys ever have theopportunity or any of your
listeners ever have theopportunity to come to my office
, they will see this I love totalk about my own life, and very
(45:23):
early in my twenties I'm adivorced woman.
I've been with my new partner.
Now I love to say new, likeit's all new and fresh cause for
us.
It still is, but we've beentogether almost 20 years.
But I was married before thisand went through a really
painful divorce, and it was oneof those situations where I
never, never, ever thought thatI would be a divorced woman.
I never thought that I would bea single mother or have to deal
(45:46):
with any of those things, andtrying to save that relationship
really pushed me into a reallydeep depression, really filled
me with tons of anxiety and,having not done my work, I
didn't recognize, coming intoadulthood, all of the trauma
that I was carrying.
And so, at my lowest point, Iliterally went to mental health
(46:08):
professionals.
I thought I was having heartattacks over and over, checking
myself into emergency rooms andthe doctors will go no, your,
your EEG is clear, everythingseems normal.
Have you thought about seeing atherapist?
And I was like I am telling youthat the problem is in my body,
you're trying to tell me thatthe problem is in my head.
So you think that I'm crazy.
And it was kind of like oh, Idon't understand this connection
(46:31):
.
But as I started to do my workand once I really started to get
deeper into my own educationaround psychology and mental
health.
I started to make theconnections.
Josh Powell (46:42):
And so you are in this field.
Dr. Spirit (46:43):
yet I wasn't in the field yet.
This is my early 20s, so atthis point I'm in psychology as
an undergrad.
Don't understand the way thatthis works at all.
And it was a very interestingdefining moment for me when I
was sitting in an emergency roomand the doctor said you really
should see a therapist.
But what I will do today is I'mgoing to write you two
(47:06):
prescriptions, one for Paxil andone for Xanax.
And I was like Whoa, wait aminute, you trying to medicate
me.
And he said well, you don'tneed to suffer unnecessarily, so
take the medication, do thework and you'll be okay.
(47:27):
And at that point I sat thereand I looked at those
medications and for me that wasa huge, huge defining moment in
my life because I said now Iknow what is causing me to have
this depression and this anxietyand I can take this medication.
And if I do, it's going to doone of two things Either it's
(47:49):
going to help me do what I needto do or it's going to silence
all of the alarm bells that aretelling me that I need to change
my situation.
And so I chose not to fill thatprescription, not because I was
against medication for anybody.
I absolutely believe that whenyou are suffering, you need to
do what you need to do to takecare of yourself.
(48:09):
But I did not want to continuein the situations that I was in
when my body was doing what itwas supposed to do, which was to
tell me I needed to make somechanges.
And so I held on to thoseprescriptions and I did what I
needed to do to change my life.
I did the work, but I havealways maintained and held on to
(48:30):
those prescriptions.
So if ever you come into myoffice, you will see both of
those prescriptions in a framesitting on my desk.
One is a reminder to myselfabout where I never, ever want
to go back to, but also assomething to show one to my
clients that I am human and Ihave walked those places and
(48:51):
that is why I'm able to take youthere and also bring you to
somewhere else but to show themwhat is possible.
What is possible if you'rewilling to do the work, because
when you are able to do the workand heal yourself and
understand the connections toyourself in a way that allows
(49:11):
you to change the relationshipsthat you're having in your life,
you can live your best life.
Josh Powell (49:17):
So in doing the work, because there are going to
be some people and I want tocut out all excuses, right, I'm
saying that respectfully, but inmy opinion, there's still a way
that you can get the help rightTalking about from a therapist.
But for those people that maynot can afford it, or maybe they
just don't have the time ormaybe they've had a bad
(49:38):
experience that won't bring themback, what are some other
things that you can do to do thework?
Dr. Spirit (49:44):
Okay, well, I love it because I say that many
things are therapeutic.
Only therapy is therapy.
But therapy is also therapeuticand so are other things.
But let me say this to thosepoints One I tell folks don't
ever let money be the reasonthat you're not getting the help
, because there are folks outthere, even people like me, who
will see you gratis, pro bono,absolutely free Okay, I think
(50:09):
it's important to understandthat or pro sliding fee scale
services, or insurance,community based services there
are ways to get the help.
So do not let money be thething.
The other part of that is if youhave had a bad experience, do
not let one person berepresentative of that.
Do not condemn an entirecommunity and stop yourself from
(50:31):
getting what you need.
You wouldn't just have oneboyfriend.
You wouldn't have just one jobor one car or one anything else.
So keep going, keep going andmake sure you talk to that next
therapist about the badsituations that you had and
don't tell yourself that youdon't have time, because if you
don't take care of your wellness, your body will sit you down
and require it.
So either you make the time oryour body will make the time for
(50:55):
it, especially in the stage oftelehealth.
You can do it in your closet,in your car, anywhere in the
world.
So absolutely.
But to the other part of thatunderstanding, as I said, that
everything can be therapeutic,understanding that healing comes
in many forms and it needs tobe constant.
So, whether it is mostimportantly learning how to
(51:15):
breathe, so many of us do notknow how to breathe and people
think that that's so simple anddoesn't make any sense at all.
But breathing literally tellsyour body that everything is
okay and because most of usdon't know how to breathe and
breathe well, our bodies stay ina constant state of activation,
so we're constantly triggeredand we don't even realize that
(51:37):
we are.
So learning, getting into somegood breathwork, meditation,
yoga, learning, box, breathinglittle, simple steps that you
could do at home, even sittingwhere we are right now.
People could do that.
Reading, resting resting is abiological imperative and
unfortunately, we have beentaught to be productive and go
(51:59):
all the time or we're carryingso much trauma that we don't
want to stop, because if we hadto stop and sit with ourselves,
the things that come up in ourminds and in our bodies we
cannot deal with.
But rest is a biologicalimperative and if you are not
resting, your body can never gointo recovery or to rehabilitate
and take care of itself.
So rest is important.
Chanel Scott (52:21):
That's a good point, I know for me.
I work for myself, but in themiddle of the day, if I even, I
just like, I feel like I have tokeep going because I never want
to go back to that place whereI didn't have what I needed.
So I keep pushing and keeppushing and I'll go and go until
(52:41):
I can't halfway see.
Dr. Spirit (52:43):
Yes, like, literally , literally.
Chanel Scott (52:45):
Yeah, and it's because it's like it's that
thought of you want, don't wantto go back.
Dr. Spirit (52:50):
Yeah, you don't want to go back to how things used
to be, so you got to keep going,and it's those thoughts that
require the healing because youwill never be able to be at rest
, even when you're trying torest.
Those thoughts will then startto tell you you should be
working, you're missing out,there's things to do, somebody
else is getting it and it will.
(53:10):
The fear, and then also thenegative hormones that will
poison your body over time.
With those thoughts, it becomesimperative.
Exercise is another great one.
We do not understand thehormones that get released into
our body, the healthy ones thatget released into our bodies all
of the time through exerciseand, believe it or not, one of
(53:32):
the things that we will not do,especially in communities that
are part of the global majority.
We will not cry.
We will not cry, and crying isthe body's natural defense to
infection.
It is the gateway to wellness,because when we cry, it
literally constricts andreleases muscles.
It literally pushes toxins outof our body.
(53:55):
It literally fatigues us sothat we can rest and take deep
breaths.
It gives us all of thesecleansing, beneficial things
that we don't do enough of.
And diet I cannot stress dietenough our brain and gut
connection, those probiotics,those prebiotics putting good,
(54:15):
healthy, live food into ourbodies, and not doing that is
killing our mental health andour physical health.
Laughing joy, anything thatbrings the body relief is
therapeutic, and so many of usneed to self medicate, whether
it's we're smoking things, we'retaking things, we're drinking
(54:36):
things, we're spending things,we're gambling things.
We're doing all of these thingsto make ourselves feel better,
not recognizing that it'stemporary relief, because our
body is crying out to us, tryingto indicate that we need help,
we need healing.
Josh Powell (54:53):
So I want to, because you know we're coming to
a close and I want to ask youthis and I'll kick it over to
Chanel, which is something alittle different Giving you the
mic right and you have it, buttake 30 to 60 seconds, whatever
you feel is on your heart.
(55:14):
If you could talk to a viewer,a listener, mind you, you've
given people a lot of gain, andI know you've done a lot of
things and a lot of work, but ifyou can dig deep into your bag
and figure out a message thatyou want to send to men, women,
children, whoever that willwatch this show, what is
(55:37):
something powerful that youwould like to say?
That maybe is something thatyou haven't been able to express
before.
Dr. Spirit (55:44):
Yeah, great questions, josh, really do.
I'm going to try not to crybecause, as you were saying that
, what I was thinking is youknow so many people are hurting,
so many people are hurting andthe hard part in, not just the
work I do, but just who I amintuitively as a person, I can
see it all the time and so it'sheavy all the time.
(56:07):
I would say to anybody outthere who would resonates with
and I know you're listening andyou know that I'm talking to you
I would say you can hide fromeverybody else, but you can't
hide from yourself.
You know what you're goingthrough, you know what you're
(56:29):
feeling, you know what keeps youup at night.
You know all the thoughts thatyou have.
You know the pain, the sadness,the anxiety, the worry, the
exhaustion.
And I want you to know that youdon't have to do it alone.
(56:49):
Everything that you're carryingyou can let go, and you can
even forgive yourself for thebad choices that you made when
you didn't have any other choicebut a bunch of bad options to
choose from.
And no matter what you havethought about yourself before
(57:10):
this moment, I want you to knowthat you are worthy.
You are worthy of relief.
You are worthy of every goodthing that you have dreamed of
and prayed for and watchedeverybody else have.
But you weren't sure if it wasfor you.
(57:32):
You just have to be willing todo the work of letting go of all
the pain that you have survived.
And those are not disqualifiers, those are qualifications.
God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.
(57:57):
And you are worthy.
Let that be your testimony tostep into the life that you are
supposed to be living and do thework to heal yourself and to
meet yourself and to understandwhat it's all been for, so that
you can finish your assignment.
(58:18):
You're worthy.
Josh Powell (58:34):
Because I've had a chance to watch you from afar
and working with you has been apleasure, but that was from
another place.
You know, I don't know what theplace was, but I know that was
from another place and I'mhoping that there's an
(58:56):
opportunity later on down theline that we can bring you back,
because your spirit, first andforemost, the fact that you
genuinely do this work.
I've come across a lot oftherapists you know what I mean
and I come across a lot ofpeople that's in this space and
I want to salute you.
You know what I mean.
(59:16):
I also want to tell you that Ilove you and somebody like
yourself doesn't get therecognition because you know,
like you mentioned, you knowyou're healed, you're good,
you're the one helping me, butnot realizing that you are still
human.
You cry, you hurt, you get upset, you go through things just
(59:39):
like anybody else and a lot oftimes you know you check on
people, but you're the onethat's not checked on.
So I wanted to take this moment.
I tell you privately, but Iwanted to publicly acknowledge
you as a really beautiful personand you know, I know the
(01:00:04):
impacts you've had on my life.
I've seen the impact thatyou've had on Chanel just within
this hour, but just everywhereyou go, and that speaks as a
testimony to what you're doing,how you're doing it, and that
(01:00:25):
you're causing healing in everyroom that you touch.
I'm just glad I got to know theperson.
I love it, I love it.
That has nothing to do with theprofession and I do think the
world to you and I really thankyou for taking the time to bless
(01:00:46):
this microphone, this room,with your presence.
I had to say it on live becauseyou know that puts the pressure
on, if we can say, you know itgets you back.
But seriously though, thank youand I'm going to let you know
Chanel close out, but I wantedto personally take that time to
tell you for sure the ancestorscame out on that one for sure.
(01:01:12):
That was something differentbecause I you know that had me
all feeling.
You know I had to look down.
I was like goodness becausethat was so strong.
You know what I mean For all ofus and I know that's going to
help somebody.
Chanel Scott (01:01:25):
I hope so.
No, I mean, you've said it.
I couldn't say it any betterthan Josh.
We really appreciate you coming.
My pleasure.
I'm going to get to the showand I definitely am going to get
some sessions outside of theshow.
Dr. Spirit (01:01:38):
Oh, we need it, we all need it.
Chanel Scott (01:01:41):
This has to say yeah absolutely, we definitely
need it, definitely Somethingthat I would like to see as a
reoccurring thing, because Itypically do not cry because
it's like nobody don't careanyway.
I've kind of been groaned tokind of operate like that, like
put your emotions to the sideand do what you need to do.
So it was just encouraging justto be able to hear you share
(01:02:04):
those words.
Dr. Spirit (01:02:05):
So thank, you my pleasure and know that that's
been a function of ourconditioning.
We have been taught, especiallyon this continent, that we
don't have time for tears, andtears will make you vulnerable
and you got to be tough.
You got to be tougher than thisworld because it will take you
out and we are all working onsurviving, absolutely, yep.
Josh Powell (01:02:28):
That's a wrap.
Good people, relationshipsmatter.
Podcasts we are out.
Yes, relationships matter.
I need to understand.
Relationships matter.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah yeah.
Welcome to the Relationships of Matter podcast.
Josh Powell (00:03):
I'm Chanel Scott and I am Josh Powell.
Chanel Scott (00:07):
So today we're going to be talking about
emotional triggers.
We have a very special guesthere tonight, dr Spirit.
(00:53):
We're so excited.
We've been waiting to have you.
Dr Spirit is a licensedtherapist, tv radio host and the
owner of T2S Enterprises, amental health service that
strives to help people achievethe types of relationships they
dream of having, beginning withthemselves.
So today we're going to betalking about emotional triggers
(01:13):
, and I'm looking forward.
I don't know if anybody else is.
I'm looking forward to askingyou tremendous amount of
questions regarding this topic.
I just want to jump right inand I just want to ask what does
being triggered really mean,and is it normal to be triggered
by your partner?
Dr. Spirit (01:33):
Well, it's normal to be triggered by everything
around us.
And what that really means.
To be triggered is to havethings touched that are
sensitive parts of us, and so,unfortunately, or fortunately,
part of the human experiencesthat we carry wounds, hurts,
pain, disappointment, rejection,abandonment you name it.
And so the environments areconstantly triggering us because
(01:56):
most of us haven't done ourwork to heal ourselves, and so
when I talk about healing, Iusually say that it is healing
as a lifelong journey andprocess.
So we're constantly beingrewounded, and if we don't do
the work constantly to be ableto manage and heal and
rehabilitate those wounds, wewill be triggered by everything
and everybody around us.
Chanel Scott (02:19):
Okay.
So I want to ask how do youpractically do the work, like,
where do we start with?
Dr. Spirit (02:24):
the work I love to tell people therapy, therapy and
you know, therapy for a lot ofus, really, in all seriousness,
is a luxury.
It is something that for manygenerations we had not had the
ability to do, and even once wedid, a lot of us had suffered so
much harm by the health caresystem that it wasn't a trusted
(02:48):
place for us.
And so, especially incommunities of color, as we are
part of the global majority,many of us sought out the church
.
We sought out our elders.
You know, sitting at the feetof big mama for generations was
the way to do it, but we didn'teven understand the hurt that
she carried and the way thateven opening up a lot of those
things was triggering for her.
(03:10):
And so you know, we sit in aworld nowadays where we say,
even to go to therapy isdifficult, because what people
don't understand is it requiresyou to be in three places at one
time.
So when you are dealing withtherapy, you are dealing with
your triggers or all of thetrauma that you've carried with
you.
So we're, in the past,constantly trying to focus on
(03:34):
how to deal with everything wehave to deal with right now as
we prepare for everything thatis yet to come, and so it's a
lot of work all at one time, andit's it can be overwhelming for
a lot of folks.
It can be triggering in and ofitself.
Josh Powell (03:50):
So when you talked about traumas and triggers,
where does a bulk of it stem andwhat part of our life?
Because I think this isimportant for people to
understand when we're talkingrelationships.
Dr. Spirit (04:00):
Yeah, I think that most of it comes from our
childhood and it is somethingthat people don't understand.
So when we talk about mentalhealth or mental wellness,
mental illness, most peopledon't even realize that 50% of
all mental illness developsbefore the age of 14, 50% and
75% before the age of 23.
(04:21):
And so that means that most ofus are experiencing things in
our childhood that,unfortunately, we don't have the
capacity to be able to dealwith and we don't get the help
that we need, and so we carrythat with us for decades and so
we don't make the connections.
Also, that the things that weexperience at any point of our
life affects the rest of ourlife until we're able to deal
(04:42):
with it.
So I'll have people that willcome into therapy at 40, 50, 60
years old who have not dealtwith child sexual abuse, the
divorce of their parents, anabsent parent, the passing of a
grandparent, the firstheartbreak in adolescence, the
divorce that they had in their20s, the tragedies around
(05:03):
childbirth, the heartbreaks ofteachers or coaches, and all the
things that we carry that theythink for some reason it should
just go away or it shouldn'tmatter.
And unfortunately, then whenthey get into relationships
where they are wounded or theyexperience similar experiences
that are unresolved, thatbecomes triggering and they
(05:24):
don't understand what it'sconnected to.
Josh Powell (05:27):
Before I kick it back to Chanel, I got one more
question.
What are some triggers ortraumas that people don't
identify as triggers or traumas?
Because, it's easy to say adeath.
Most people don't think of abreakup as something that could
be that it's easy to say abuseor anything like that.
(05:49):
What have you seen in yourprofession like that are things
that people don't identify with.
Dr. Spirit (05:56):
Yeah, I would say it's things like being silenced
as a child, not really beingpaid attention to, especially in
generations where we weretaught children are to be seen
and not heard.
Right, or you will do what youwere told.
Or having older siblings,sometimes, where you are the
youngest or the middle child whoreceives hand-me-downs and
(06:18):
never gets anything new, becausepoverty, poverty can be a
trigger.
Racism, a huge one, misogyny, ahuge one, I would say.
Learning disabilities isanother one.
Autism Most folks don't evenrealize that they are on the
spectrum.
(06:39):
Adhd, dyslexia, problems thatwere learning issues that were
never addressed, that kind offloated under the radar.
But those individuals knew thatthey were struggling in school
and they often look likebehavior problems.
And so discipline was put inplace where treatment should
have been.
And so people come intoadulthood and they have decided
(07:00):
at different points in theirlives man, when I'm a grown up,
I can't wait.
I'm never going to let peopletreat me a certain way, I'm
never going to let people talkto me a certain way.
And so they come into adulthoodand they come into
relationships with people and Itell folks all the time that
your adult relationships aredoing one of two things they are
allowing you to heal thosetraumas of the past or they are
(07:23):
allowing you to recreate andreenact those.
And so we, subconsciously, willchoose partners, whether they
are romantic partners, friends,coworkers, colleagues, you name
it.
We will choose relationshipsthat mirror those childhood,
childhood experiences that wehaven't been able to resolve,
and we will reenact them.
(07:44):
And so then you don't evenrecognize how did I wind up
marrying somebody who is justlike my mother?
I said I would never be withsomebody like her.
You hear, man, you are justlike your father.
Well, I didn't know my father,but you are just like him.
And so there are all of these,and we haven't even talked about
the intergenerational trauma,because what happens to our
(08:07):
ancestors, our grandparents, ourgreat grandparents, all of it
gets passed down in our learning, in our lessons, in our
heartbreak, in the ways that weare raised, and our parents are
often teaching us what it isthat they learned.
And so I love to tell people weare constantly being raised and
prepared for a world that nolonger exists, because, even us,
(08:29):
the lessons that our parentsgave us were the ones they got
from their parents and we're in2023.
And most of our grandparentswere late 1800s to the early 20s
, 30s and 40s.
That world is gone, and so eventhat can be traumatic and we
don't even realize it.
Chanel Scott (08:47):
Okay, how do you identify when you're being
triggered over against.
If you're just dissatisfiedwith a particular situation, how
can you identify that?
Okay, is that a trigger, or isthat something that I'm just not
happy with in this moment?
Or is it something that?
I carry.
(09:08):
You know from what which?
How do you know the difference?
Dr. Spirit (09:11):
Well, it's a great question, and the reality is
they're really one in the same,because dissatisfaction is a
triggered emotion, right?
So all the trigger is just tosay that an emotion has been
raised, and the question is areyou connected to what that
emotion is and what it's tryingto signal to you?
So if I'm being, if I'm in asituation where I'm experiencing
(09:34):
dissatisfaction, what am Idissatisfied with?
Your body is actually givingyou, it's whispering to you.
There is something here thatneeds to change, and so the
emotion that you don't want tofeel when, once we get really
good and about feelings andunderstanding the way it works
is if I'm feeling dissatisfied,that means I have a need for
(09:56):
satisfaction.
What is it that needs to besatisfied?
What changes have to happen inmy life or in this relationship
or the circumstance so I canmove from dissatisfaction to
satisfaction?
Every emotion that is triggeredin us is communicating
something to us in order to moveus towards wellness.
Josh Powell (10:19):
We'll talk about it later, when we get back.
Relationships matter Podcasts.
Relationships matter.
I need you to understand.
Chanel Scott (10:29):
Relationships matter.
Welcome back to RelationshipsMatter, the podcast.
We're here with Dr Spirit andwe're talking about emotional
triggers, so I'm going to takeadvantage of you being here
today.
And I want to talk about theshow, the premise of the show.
We deal with romanticrelationships.
(10:51):
I mean, we deal with ourrelationships, with mainly
romantic relationships, one ofmy favorites and one of the
struggles that I have had.
I'm 49 years old, never married, no children, and in my life I
have experienced a tremendousamount of rejection and I
noticed that in any relationshipor friendship, those wounds,
(11:13):
they continue to resurface and Idon't care how much I think
I've done work, something willalways come up.
I don't care what it is, you'llthink you're good.
It'll come up and it's like howdo you address that?
How do you Like?
I recognize at this age thatwhatever relationship didn't
(11:37):
work out, it wasn't supposed towork out, like in most times,
I'll see why it didn't work outand we'll be grateful Okay, god,
I'm so glad that you didn'tallow that.
You didn't allow that to workout, but I still carry the
wounds.
So when I enter into a newfriendship or relationship,
those wounds of rejection I havethis complex about not being
(11:58):
chosen, because just about anysignificant relationship in my
life, from the time that I wasold enough to date, has resulted
in me not being the one chosen.
Dr. Spirit (12:11):
Well tell me about how you do relationship that
puts you in the position to bechosen versus doing the choosing
.
Chanel Scott (12:24):
Well, for one I mean not knowing who I, not
knowing my self-worth, and Iunderstand that and not knowing
who I am and not knowing mypurpose, which I now tapped into
.
So I recognize that that's howI got caught up in situations
where I allowed certainscenarios to go on way past
(12:48):
their due date Right and so.
But then I guess, just like now, I don't think I was staying a
situation that didn't serve meor where I wasn't being treated
well.
But in times past I overstayed,because I either just wanted
what I wanted I know it's anissue of control, I recognize
(13:10):
that or just not knowing how towalk away, or just not thinking
that there was better.
For some reason, especially whenyou're in love, you don't think
that it's always better.
Now that has proven to be true,but in those moments you don't
think that there's anyone better.
(13:31):
Now they could be treating youlike crap, but you're like it's
no one better.
I just wanna be with thatperson and that's because we.
I know in the past I would livevicariously through certain
situations or attach my value toa man because I didn't know who
I was and I didn't know myvalue, and so that's what kept
me like I don't know, caught upin these crazy situations in the
(13:54):
past.
But then, like now, I don't dothat, but I still carry the hurt
.
Dr. Spirit (14:02):
Yeah.
So that's why it's so importantfor us to do our work, because
here's the interesting thing isthat when we haven't done our
work, the versions of ourselvesthat people are attracted to are
going to be people andexperiences that we don't wanna
have, because like attracts like, and so if you are sitting in a
(14:25):
situation with somebody one, Ialways tell people when they are
starting therapy.
If they don't have a partner, Itell them I would highly
encourage you not to date duringthis time, unless you're dating
either for practice or you'redating just for companionship.
But the idea of dating to finda life made at this point is not
going to be what you want,because you are gonna choose
(14:47):
someone who is attracted to theunhealed version of you and how
you look on the other side ofhealing as a whole complete,
healthy person with newperspectives, new desires, new
needs, new goals, new placesthat you wanna go.
That person may not becompatible with that, and so
unfortunately, especially forwomen, we sit in a vantage point
(15:10):
of being chosen.
If he likes us, sure I'll giveit a try.
As opposed to being very clearabout who you are, where you're
trying to go and what yourforever looks like, and then I
tell people when you're dating,that's really supposed to be an
interview process.
It's about compatibility.
It's about let me assess whoyou are and how you fit, and I
(15:32):
love to describe relationshipsas kind of.
You are the CEO of your life.
You were looking for the COO,and so how would you handle a
business partner?
You would wanna know about thegoodness of fit.
You wouldn't simply say youlike me and you're attracted to
me.
Now let me try to continue tobe whatever it is that I think
you want me to be, so that youwill continue to choose me.
(15:55):
So it's really important thatwe look at the type of
relationships that we findourselves in and the question
around rejection.
I'm curious what is the storythat you tell yourself about you
when you go into relationshipswanting to be chosen and not
have that experience ofrejection again, how do you show
(16:16):
up when you date?
Chanel Scott (16:18):
Gosh, I'm when I go into, so I don't date because
, whenever I go into a situation, I'm always looking for when
it's gonna go bad.
Yeah, I'm always like it couldbe great and I'm always looking
for that moment when it takes aturn.
Why Cause that's been thepattern.
Dr. Spirit (16:40):
So if you go into a relationship expecting already
for the shoe to drop, because inevery other relationship the
shoe has dropped, how do youshow up as your whole, complete
self?
I?
Chanel Scott (16:54):
don't know and I haven't had the experience to
really answer that question.
To be honest, I haven't been ina relationship in over 10 years
and, like the one person that Ispent some time, it wasn't a
relationship, it was so, it wasmore of a casual thing.
And then it was.
(17:14):
Did it feel safer?
No, it wasn't safe at all.
Exactly, it became something todo.
Dr. Spirit (17:24):
But you desire something different, Absolutely.
Where do you think thedisconnect is for you in between
?
I desire something different,but everything that I go into
I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.
I don't know.
Chanel Scott (17:37):
Cause I just my thing is, like I always where I
see.
The problem for me is that I'malways I'm worried about that
whole chosen thing just takesover my whole mental Like.
I fear, like is he datingsomeone else?
Is there someone else?
(17:57):
So then I run myself crazy withthat Like, instead of just
going through the motions not somuch now, because I'm a little
bit more clear minded aboutwhere I want to go.
So I'll put up boundaries now,whereas before I would jump in
because I didn't know my valueand I would see so much value in
that person.
I would jump in here at firstand then it would go.
Now I just kind of put upboundaries, like if I do meet
(18:18):
someone, I might spend time withyou today, but you might not
see me for the next month.
Why?
And that's just my way ofprotecting myself so that I
don't.
Dr. Spirit (18:26):
So where did we learn that we have to protect
ourselves from the person thatwe want to spend forever?
Chanel Scott (18:31):
with.
I just don't want to be hurt?
Dr. Spirit (18:32):
Yeah, but how can you ever be loved if you go into
a relationship protectingyourself from the person who is
supposed to love you?
Chanel Scott (18:43):
Right.
I don't know how to do that,because there's never not been a
time where there wasn't anotherwoman involved.
Dr. Spirit (18:50):
How far back does that go?
Chanel Scott (18:52):
Oh to teenager.
There's never not been that.
And my fear is like I could getto know this guy and not be
concerned about what he's doingwhen he's not with me.
But then my fear is, if Icontinue to get to know him,
then ultimately he's not gonnachoose me.
Dr. Spirit (19:11):
And I just can't let that happen.
Have you ever asked yourselfwhat is it about me that chooses
not just attracts, but thatchooses men who cannot be
faithful?
Chanel Scott (19:23):
That's a good question, and that was the type
of men that I attract all of myas long as I've been old enough.
To date, I have attracted menwho was not faithful.
Dr. Spirit (19:33):
Who were the men in your life and what were they
like before you started dating?
Chanel Scott (19:38):
So my dad, amazing dad cheater.
I mean, I'm a dad's girl, um,but he cheated.
Did you know that he cheated?
Yes.
I knew he cheated early onbecause he had my, he got my
mom's best friend pregnant andso and he raised me, I lived
with him during my teenage yearsand so you know the, you know,
(20:01):
you hear the chatter amongst theadults and everything.
And I had a relationship withthis lady, you know, because she
, she, she loved me, she treatedme well, and so it wasn't until
I became an adult that I fullyunderstood the dynamics of that
relationship.
And I'm like you, lucky, you soalive man.
You know, but as a kid I mean Iheard it but I didn't fully
(20:22):
understand it.
Dr. Spirit (20:23):
So Josh talked about and you asked the question
about hidden trauma.
You grow up with this amazingman who is your father, who also
cannot be faithful Absolutely.
Would you say that most of themen that you meet and you give a
shot at love?
Chanel Scott (20:39):
They're just like my dad.
Dr. Spirit (20:40):
There we go.
Do you see how it works?
We become imprinted right,Because in that feeling what
happens is love and all the goodstuff also gets attached to the
wounds of the painful stuff.
And because we're children, wehave to learn how to stay in
that and survive it and justnavigate it the best way that we
can.
And when we leave thoserelationships, we find things
(21:04):
that are familiar to us.
Even if we don't know that weare doing it and even if we
don't necessarily like it, weknow how to navigate it.
So you know how to navigaterejection.
You know how to navigateprotecting yourself.
You know how to navigate notgiving your whole heart away.
What you don't know how tonavigate is to be completely
(21:24):
open and vulnerable and free,and there's probably some fear
in doing that also.
Chanel Scott (21:29):
That's a scary place to be.
Josh Powell (21:31):
So so, dr, you given out some.
That was some good dialoguebetween you and Chanel.
But I have a question and we'llget to it when we get back.
But basically, what I want toask, to start this off, is is
there a difference between atrigger or a behavioral pattern?
Dr. Spirit (21:52):
Better.
I can't wait to answer.
Josh Powell (21:56):
See you all in a minute.
Relationships matter.
I need to understandrelationships matter.
Chanel Scott (22:08):
Welcome back to relationships matter the podcast
.
So before we went to break, wewe were talking about emotional
triggers and Josh, you had aquestion for Dr Spirit.
What was your question?
Josh Powell (22:20):
Yeah, I wanted to ask the difference, if there is
one, between a trigger or abehavioral pattern and where
that comes from.
Okay, in my dating life I havedealt with women who constantly
seem to point the finger and sayI'm triggering them.
(22:41):
So one, why would you stillwant to be with me?
But that's another question.
But for two, you can't blameeverything, stating that there's
some type of trigger, that I'mdoing something when you are
acting and behaving the way thatyou are, which has nothing to
do with me as far as thatsituation goes.
So that's why I wanted to askthe question if there is a
(23:04):
difference.
Dr. Spirit (23:05):
Okay, so interesting that you're having the same
situation in multiplerelationships.
So my question to you is do youdate the same type of woman
over and over and, if so, whoare you dating?
Josh Powell (23:23):
I've had children by similar, but I've dated a
wide range of women throughoutmy dating history.
Dr. Spirit (23:36):
Well, the interesting thing is that
variety doesn't always meandifferent.
We can date what looksdifferent but behaviorally.
Josh Powell (23:45):
I'm speaking only on behavior.
Dr. Spirit (23:48):
Yeah, so the only common denominator in that
situation?
Yeah, so the choosing becomesinteresting.
But let me answer your questionfirst.
And then we got to go therebecause that's such a good
example.
But to answer your questionaround emotional triggers versus
behavioral patterns yes, theyare different, and so I tell
(24:08):
people that we have three partsof ourselves our feelings, our
thoughts and our behaviors.
Our feelings are our body'salarm systems to our needs.
So your body gives you feelingsto tell you what you need in
order to be okay.
So rejection, as we talkedabout, is a feeling.
Disatisfaction is a feeling, sois love, so is fear, so is
(24:31):
anger.
Every emotion that you have isa feeling that is trying to tell
you what you need or don't needin your environment and within
you in order to be okay.
The thoughts are what you use,the strategies that you come up
with in order to satisfy yourfeelings or to get your needs
met.
So if I feel rejection and Idon't want to feel rejection,
(24:53):
the opposite of that isacceptance.
I want to feel acceptance.
So what do I do?
I start to think about what canI do to be accepted?
Right, I can say things, I candress a certain way, I can show
up and behave a certain way, westart to think about all these
different things that we can do.
The doing is the behavior, andso when we have behavior
(25:16):
patterns, those are things thatwe are doing over and over again
in effort to try to get a needmet.
So when these women tell youyou're triggering me, the real
question is what am I triggering?
But you heard me say a littlewhile ago that when we choose
partners, we are eithertriggering things in order to
(25:36):
heal them or in order to repeatcycles or patterns, and so the
question becomes what needs areyou trying to get met in the
relationships that you'rechoosing, and what is it about
the way that you guys go throughthese cycles that it's not
healing what's being brought up?
That's the real question, andso it would be interesting to
(26:00):
learn about the kinds of womenyou choose and the experiences
that you have and what istriggered in them, but also,
what are they triggering in you?
It's really, really, when wecan crack these codes, the more
that we can understand how we'reshowing up and how we're
choosing every single experiencethat we're having.
(26:21):
It then allows us to ask andanswer the question.
If I'm not getting what it isthat I want, then what are my
choices serving?
What need is this meeting?
And sometimes here's the reallyinteresting part of this
Sometimes the very thing that wesay that we want, we sabotage
ourselves from actually havingto get, because the fear and the
(26:44):
vulnerability that gets createdand going after it or being
presented with it can oftenoverwhelm us.
So if we live the life wherewe've been rejected over and
over but what we really want isreally true love, but we look
and say, well, what would ittake for me to have that
ultimate vulnerability, awillingness to show up, a
willingness to not need to bechosen but to actually risk not
(27:08):
being chosen, all of thosethings can be so scary that
we'll avoid it like the plague.
Chanel Scott (27:19):
Wow, I think when I think about the triggers or
the behavioral patterns, I knowfor me I'm a doer, I'm a giver
and a lot of times in the pastI've given to Garner someone's
attention, and in this season Ijust don't want to do that.
Dr. Spirit (27:43):
To Garner their attention or to Garner being
chosen?
To Garner being chosen.
Chanel Scott (27:48):
And it's like, but it's just like, how do you
distinguish between the two?
Because I'm still by naturethat I do that anyway if it's my
family, my friends, but thenhow do you balance that or
create boundaries around thatwhere you're not being taken
advantage of?
You know, and for me I have todo a self-check to make sure
(28:08):
that my motives are right whenI'm doing what I'm doing.
If I feel like there'ssomething else behind it, then I
have to stop, because I don'twant a friendship, a
relationship, from someone thatI have to buy, and I've been
guilty of that in the past.
Dr. Spirit (28:28):
Well, and I wonder also, what does it look like to
be in relationships with peoplewhere you have to set a boundary
so they won't take advantage ofyou?
See, because I can tell you forme, at least at this point in
the journey, because let me tellyou, 20s and 30s, I was a hot
mess Pre-work, oh gosh, Itotally get what it means to be
(28:50):
doing the work.
But when you recognize I am inrelationships with people where,
if I don't set boundaries, theywill take advantage of me, that
in and of itself is anemotional trigger constantly
that you may or may not be awareof.
Because what does it feel liketo be in relationship with
people who would take advantageof you and for you to have to
(29:13):
constantly be the person whosays this is where I have to
stop giving and that goesagainst my nature?
Right, and this point in mylife, I don't want to be with
anybody in any form ofrelationship where I have to
worry about being takenadvantage of.
And so when we talk abouthealthy boundaries, I like to
tell people that's the placewhere I can love you and me
(29:34):
simultaneously.
That's where the boundary issupposed to sit, where it's
healthy.
But if you recognize as apattern that I have totally been
in relationships with peoplearound me in non-romantic ways
that take advantage of me.
You have to know what we do inone place we tend to do in
others.
So it is going to be naturalthat you will choose somebody
(29:57):
who is likely to take advantageof you because it feels familiar
.
So until you have the awarenessand until you can do the work
in that to lay the rightboundary, you will continue to
invite other people into thatspace and then you'll be in a
relationship where you'refrustrated because you love them
and you're giving but you'renot getting in return and you
don't feel safe.
(30:17):
Right.
Josh Powell (30:18):
And that is extremely powerful and you're
giving out so much.
So, look, when we get backafter this break, I want you to
talk about how deep the traumagoes.
I've been blessed enough tohear you give this information
starting from the womb, so Iwant you to educate us when we
(30:42):
get back.
Okay, and talk about how deepthe trauma goes.
We'll talk about it later, whenwe get back.
Relationships matter Podcasts.
Chanel Scott (31:01):
Welcome back to relationships matter, the
podcast.
So before we went to break, wewere talking about emotional
triggers and, josh, you had aquestion for Dr Spirit.
What was your question?
Josh Powell (31:13):
I really feel like people either want to blame a
situation or a circumstance,even though that doesn't
discredit the impacts.
But I've been very blessed tohave many conversations with you
, like my favorite IT Wait, Igot enough great ideas.
(31:37):
Talk to us about the one andplease educate you know us
myself again, but Chanel, butalso our viewers on how deep
trauma really runs.
Dr. Spirit (31:53):
Man, it's so deep.
And so, yes, josh said we havehad conversations around and
what it's called is epigenetics,right.
And so when we talk aboutrelationships, we cannot talk
about the relationship thatwe're having with ourselves
without even thinking about theimpact of what it meant to be in
our mother's wounds, but evenmore deeply in our grandmother's
(32:13):
wounds.
And people will often sayspirit, what do you mean in your
grandmother's womb?
And I say, well, do you knowthat you literally spent four to
five months in yourgrandmother's womb and the
quality of her pregnancy withyour mother literally impacted
(32:34):
you today?
And so people say, well, how isthat possible?
And it's very simple, and it'sliterally.
Science is that every girl,every woman, is born with all
the eggs that she will ever haveto create life at the time that
she enters this world, and sothose eggs actually happen
(32:58):
around month four or five inutero.
And so that means that you, youregg, was literally in your
mother when she was four to fivemonths in utero, in your
maternal grandmother.
And so when we talk abouteverything that passes through
the umbilical cord,unfortunately it's not just all
(33:19):
the good stuff in the DNA, it'sall of the stress.
And so when we think about thestressors that our elders and
our ancestors have experienced,whether it's enslavement,
whether it's forced migration,whether it's poverty, domestic
violence, alcoholism, you nameit, the list goes on and on.
(33:41):
But all of these things, all ofthe cortisol, all of the stress
hormones, all of the anxiety,all of the biological components
, or lack thereof, and thenutrients, all of that got
passed down to us, and thatdetermines genetic
predisposition.
And so when we talk about someof these things and we say well,
I don't understand why I'mdealing with anxiety or
(34:04):
depression or bipolar disorderor ADHD or any of these other
genetically uh predisposedillnesses, we can't talk about
your history without talkingabout your parents' history.
And we also, as I love to say,we can't talk about how you love
as an adult without talkingabout how you were loved as a
(34:26):
child, because it all matters.
And so, when we get intorelationship, every single thing
that we are doing in our lifeis a form of relationship,
including the relationship thatwe are having, most importantly
and first and foremost, withourselves.
It is literally that profound.
Josh Powell (34:45):
How important is that relationship with yourself?
Dr. Spirit (34:50):
The relationship that you're having with yourself
.
Josh Powell (34:52):
I know that's like a broad that's a podcast in and
of itself, but I want you to tapinto that, however you feel,
because that can bless somebodysomewhere.
Dr. Spirit (35:03):
I think that every relationship begins and ends
with the relationship thatyou're having with yourself, and
I think it starts first andforemost with your physical and
your mental wellness, becausethose are two things that no
amount of money can buy.
Money can help you get to thewellness sometimes, but it can't
help you achieve or maintain it, and so I think, also
(35:25):
understanding how those twothings are inextricably linked.
Most people don't recognizethat so many of the physical
symptoms that they are dealingwith are impacted by or
impacting the quality of theirmental health and wellness.
We don't understand that whenwe say I have an anxiety
disorder, that that also comeswith the physical symptoms, the
racing thoughts, the insomnia,the tightness in your chest.
(35:48):
But some of those things likeback aches and neck aches and
infertility issues, we don'trecognize that those are tied to
that.
We don't recognize that whenyou're talking about depression,
I'm dealing with depression.
Yes, that's a mental healthdiagnosis, but that also has
physical symptoms.
It affects the way you eat ordon't eat, the way you sleep or
don't sleep, your motivation,your actual ability to move,
(36:11):
physical fatigue and aches andpains in your body, strokes and
heart attacks, and all of thesethings are all determined by
quality of mental health andwellness, to the point that a
lot of people don't evenrecognize that, say, for example
, natural disasters or extremelystressful situations.
We talk about shooting in gunviolence nowadays, that in
(36:33):
certain experiences, more peopledie as a result of the stress
after from having heart attacksand strokes than they do in the
actual natural disasters or theman made disasters that we're
creating.
It is literally all intertwined, and so when you think about
how you are experiencing theworld, first internally, how do
(36:55):
you feel?
How are you eating?
How are you sleeping?
How are you thinking?
How clear are you?
How do you feel about safety?
How do you feel about future?
How do you feel about security?
How do you feel about support?
All of those things areinternal, individualistic things
, and those determine how youdeal with everything else in
(37:17):
your life, including the peoplearound you.
So oftentimes you can recognizewhen something is not right with
a person, something is off,when they have something going
on, and sometimes people willjoke about it.
They'll say things like oh girl, you need to get some.
Oh, girl, you got some.
Who is he?
What's different?
(37:38):
Oh, you need to put thatboundary on your parents.
Are you going to let them treatyou like that?
Are you just going to let thisperson walk all over you?
Oh, you know that persondoesn't like conflict.
Oh, you know, they are justsuch a negative.
Nancy, right, we can recognizethings that people are
experiencing.
Sometimes we can even recognizewhat we're experiencing, but we
don't make the connection thatthat is related to the quality
(38:01):
of our mental health andwellness and the relationship
that we are having internally.
Chanel Scott (38:06):
How do you reconcile the emotional trigger,
whether it be friendship,family, and maintain a healthy
relationship at the same time?
Cause people are so quick tosay I don't want to be around
that person anymore, I don'twant to be your friend, or I'm
going to, you know, create someboundaries, or I'm going to
(38:28):
protect my peace, or you know, Ido that to my mom.
I'm so guilty of that, you knowI'll call you later.
So how do you do that?
How do you, you know, correctthat and still maintain the
relationship?
Dr. Spirit (38:39):
Well, you know what's really interesting about
that?
It's really early in my career,when I was kind of textbook,
where you just learn a certainway and I think um, to large
degree, a very Eurocentric wayof doing things.
Um, just, culturally speaking,the Eurocentric way tends to be
a very individualistic model, asopposed to global majorities,
(39:00):
where it's more collective andwe are raised as a village.
We are raised to be veryoftentimes enmeshed or really
about family throughoutgenerations and there are rules
for how we function.
That's very different.
Um, and in training, especiallywithin mental health, we talk
about things like culturalcompetency or even now, cultural
(39:21):
humility, which isunderstanding and layering in
what it looks like to be a partof global majority culture as
opposed to, uh, mainstreamWestern culture.
Um, and our training has beenvery interesting because I don't
know if you guys are aware ofthis, but clinicians of color
very few and far in between.
(39:42):
As a black woman, I make up 4%of all licensed professionals
across the country, and blackmen we outnumbered them six to
one in this field, and so,without that representation, we
also don't recognize what itmeans to be a part of a black
family, black relationships thatlook different, and so I think
(40:04):
one of the things that was veryinteresting is when I very first
started doing the work.
How I learned it was you dowhatever you have to do to
protect your peace.
If that person treated youwrong, you just leave them alone
.
And then, once I started to domy own work and once I got a
little more comfortable in thework, and I recognize you ain't
leaving your mama, you stillwant to be in relationship with
(40:25):
your sister Absolutely Right,and I started to see that
differently.
And so what I can say is, as aclinician, for where I am at
this point in the journey, how Isee the people that sit in
front of me.
I see them as the chainbreakers.
You are the person that isgetting a different type of
healing in your family that, ifyou do it right, is going to
(40:46):
change the the trajectory forgenerations to come.
But that can be a very lonelyplace to sit in, because you are
still part of the family andall of the dysfunction and the
pain and the wounds that you'vecome from.
And so you have to do a form ofcode switching, if you will,
because you have to learn how tonavigate both worlds the
(41:07):
healthy one, that looks verydifferent and the toxic one that
you've come from and just causeyou getting healed, don't mean
that everybody else around youwant to get healed.
Oftentimes they will rejectwhat's happening because you're
changing and they don't like it,and that kind of reflects
sometimes and puts pressure onyou in a different way.
They'll go oh, you think youbetter than us now.
Oh, look at you.
(41:27):
Oh, you know so.
Oh, you gone, you gone.
I'll serve boundaries on me.
You better put those boundariesright over there when you come
into my house.
You're going to do it my way.
And so there are all of thesethings that go along with
healing that can be very painful, and so one of the things that
I prepare my clients for is theloneliness that comes with being
healed, because what you willstart to find is your
(41:51):
relationships will change.
You will have less interactionswith some of the people that you
love the most, but what you canyou can count on is that they
will be higher qualityinteractions, because what you
will do is take care of yourselfand those relationships in ways
that you hadn't before.
So even when you say now I willhave to put the brakes on my
(42:13):
mama, I love her, but Irecognize where I have to draw
the line.
You're taking care of you andyou are giving yourself what you
need, and so, ultimately, thatis the most important
relationship that you have, andyou are obligated and
responsible for taking care ofyourself.
You know so.
I sometimes talk about it to myclients.
(42:34):
It's like you are the captain,but your soul is the co-pilot.
You are the security guard, youare the gatekeeper, you are the
navigator, and if you will nottake care of your soul, if your
soul cannot count on you to takecare of it, you will never be
in true relationship withyourself, because you will
constantly be on autopilot, justtrying to survive.
(42:58):
All of the things that you'renot willing to deal with, that
are requiring you to take careof you in order to be okay.
Josh Powell (43:06):
So, my goodness, I had my question because you know
we're about to go to break.
Oh, okay, we're about to breakbut I'm not going to lose this
point, because you talked abouthealed people and how it's a
lonely journey to it to it to ahealed people, right, but the
journey like, as far as you know, moving forward, we would like
(43:28):
to think that it's going tobring on all of these different
things, but it's actually a lotdifferent experience.
So I do want to touch on thatwhen we get back from the break.
But I also want to ask you apersonal question, because when
people see you right, they seewho you are now, but if you
could tap into something thattriggered you or a trauma and
(43:48):
how you overcame that, thatwould be helpful for somebody.
When we get back, relationshipsmatter podcast.
Chanel Scott (44:06):
Welcome back to relationships matter, the
podcast.
So before we went to break DrSpirit, we were asking you about
a personal experience thatcaused maybe you to be triggered
.
Dr. Spirit (44:17):
Would you like to?
Chanel Scott (44:18):
share with us.
Dr. Spirit (44:19):
I would, and I love that you asked that.
It's great, because most peopledon't even bother to ask.
They forget that we're peopletoo, and I love to constantly
remind people.
I'm like mm.
Do not put me up on a pedestal,cause I will jump head first
and embarrass myself and justlay right there.
I think it's important, though,because I think sometimes
(44:40):
people need to see healingmodeled for them.
I think that's a good way tosay that that healing in and of
itself is a lifelong journey.
We're going to constantly bewounded and rewounded over and
over again, but it's aboutmaking space in your body and in
your life for you to be able todeal with those things in ways
that don't overwhelm you, and soI love to tell folks do not let
(45:03):
these letters after my namefool you.
Okay, we all have enough lifein order to have to manage
traumas and triggers, and one ofthe things that I am very big
on and if you guys ever have theopportunity or any of your
listeners ever have theopportunity to come to my office
, they will see this I love totalk about my own life, and very
(45:23):
early in my twenties I'm adivorced woman.
I've been with my new partner.
Now I love to say new, likeit's all new and fresh cause for
us.
It still is, but we've beentogether almost 20 years.
But I was married before thisand went through a really
painful divorce, and it was oneof those situations where I
never, never, ever thought thatI would be a divorced woman.
I never thought that I would bea single mother or have to deal
(45:46):
with any of those things, andtrying to save that relationship
really pushed me into a reallydeep depression, really filled
me with tons of anxiety and,having not done my work, I
didn't recognize, coming intoadulthood, all of the trauma
that I was carrying.
And so, at my lowest point, Iliterally went to mental health
(46:08):
professionals.
I thought I was having heartattacks over and over, checking
myself into emergency rooms andthe doctors will go no, your,
your EEG is clear, everythingseems normal.
Have you thought about seeing atherapist?
And I was like I am telling youthat the problem is in my body,
you're trying to tell me thatthe problem is in my head.
So you think that I'm crazy.
And it was kind of like oh, Idon't understand this connection
(46:31):
.
But as I started to do my workand once I really started to get
deeper into my own educationaround psychology and mental
health.
I started to make theconnections.
Josh Powell (46:42):
And so you are in this field.
Dr. Spirit (46:43):
yet I wasn't in the field yet.
This is my early 20s, so atthis point I'm in psychology as
an undergrad.
Don't understand the way thatthis works at all.
And it was a very interestingdefining moment for me when I
was sitting in an emergency roomand the doctor said you really
should see a therapist.
But what I will do today is I'mgoing to write you two
(47:06):
prescriptions, one for Paxil andone for Xanax.
And I was like Whoa, wait aminute, you trying to medicate
me.
And he said well, you don'tneed to suffer unnecessarily, so
take the medication, do thework and you'll be okay.
(47:27):
And at that point I sat thereand I looked at those
medications and for me that wasa huge, huge defining moment in
my life because I said now Iknow what is causing me to have
this depression and this anxietyand I can take this medication.
And if I do, it's going to doone of two things Either it's
(47:49):
going to help me do what I needto do or it's going to silence
all of the alarm bells that aretelling me that I need to change
my situation.
And so I chose not to fill thatprescription, not because I was
against medication for anybody.
I absolutely believe that whenyou are suffering, you need to
do what you need to do to takecare of yourself.
(48:09):
But I did not want to continuein the situations that I was in
when my body was doing what itwas supposed to do, which was to
tell me I needed to make somechanges.
And so I held on to thoseprescriptions and I did what I
needed to do to change my life.
I did the work, but I havealways maintained and held on to
(48:30):
those prescriptions.
So if ever you come into myoffice, you will see both of
those prescriptions in a framesitting on my desk.
One is a reminder to myselfabout where I never, ever want
to go back to, but also assomething to show one to my
clients that I am human and Ihave walked those places and
(48:51):
that is why I'm able to take youthere and also bring you to
somewhere else but to show themwhat is possible.
What is possible if you'rewilling to do the work, because
when you are able to do the workand heal yourself and
understand the connections toyourself in a way that allows
(49:11):
you to change the relationshipsthat you're having in your life,
you can live your best life.
Josh Powell (49:17):
So in doing the work, because there are going to
be some people and I want tocut out all excuses, right, I'm
saying that respectfully, but inmy opinion, there's still a way
that you can get the help rightTalking about from a therapist.
But for those people that maynot can afford it, or maybe they
just don't have the time ormaybe they've had a bad
(49:38):
experience that won't bring themback, what are some other
things that you can do to do thework?
Dr. Spirit (49:44):
Okay, well, I love it because I say that many
things are therapeutic.
Only therapy is therapy.
But therapy is also therapeuticand so are other things.
But let me say this to thosepoints One I tell folks don't
ever let money be the reasonthat you're not getting the help
, because there are folks outthere, even people like me, who
will see you gratis, pro bono,absolutely free Okay, I think
(50:09):
it's important to understandthat or pro sliding fee scale
services, or insurance,community based services there
are ways to get the help.
So do not let money be thething.
The other part of that is if youhave had a bad experience, do
not let one person berepresentative of that.
Do not condemn an entirecommunity and stop yourself from
(50:31):
getting what you need.
You wouldn't just have oneboyfriend.
You wouldn't have just one jobor one car or one anything else.
So keep going, keep going andmake sure you talk to that next
therapist about the badsituations that you had and
don't tell yourself that youdon't have time, because if you
don't take care of your wellness, your body will sit you down
and require it.
So either you make the time oryour body will make the time for
(50:55):
it, especially in the stage oftelehealth.
You can do it in your closet,in your car, anywhere in the
world.
So absolutely.
But to the other part of thatunderstanding, as I said, that
everything can be therapeutic,understanding that healing comes
in many forms and it needs tobe constant.
So, whether it is mostimportantly learning how to
(51:15):
breathe, so many of us do notknow how to breathe and people
think that that's so simple anddoesn't make any sense at all.
But breathing literally tellsyour body that everything is
okay and because most of usdon't know how to breathe and
breathe well, our bodies stay ina constant state of activation,
so we're constantly triggeredand we don't even realize that
(51:37):
we are.
So learning, getting into somegood breathwork, meditation,
yoga, learning, box, breathinglittle, simple steps that you
could do at home, even sittingwhere we are right now.
People could do that.
Reading, resting resting is abiological imperative and
unfortunately, we have beentaught to be productive and go
(51:59):
all the time or we're carryingso much trauma that we don't
want to stop, because if we hadto stop and sit with ourselves,
the things that come up in ourminds and in our bodies we
cannot deal with.
But rest is a biologicalimperative and if you are not
resting, your body can never gointo recovery or to rehabilitate
and take care of itself.
So rest is important.
Chanel Scott (52:21):
That's a good point, I know for me.
I work for myself, but in themiddle of the day, if I even, I
just like, I feel like I have tokeep going because I never want
to go back to that place whereI didn't have what I needed.
So I keep pushing and keeppushing and I'll go and go until
(52:41):
I can't halfway see.
Dr. Spirit (52:43):
Yes, like, literally , literally.
Chanel Scott (52:45):
Yeah, and it's because it's like it's that
thought of you want, don't wantto go back.
Dr. Spirit (52:50):
Yeah, you don't want to go back to how things used
to be, so you got to keep going,and it's those thoughts that
require the healing because youwill never be able to be at rest
, even when you're trying torest.
Those thoughts will then startto tell you you should be
working, you're missing out,there's things to do, somebody
else is getting it and it will.
(53:10):
The fear, and then also thenegative hormones that will
poison your body over time.
With those thoughts, it becomesimperative.
Exercise is another great one.
We do not understand thehormones that get released into
our body, the healthy ones thatget released into our bodies all
of the time through exerciseand, believe it or not, one of
(53:32):
the things that we will not do,especially in communities that
are part of the global majority.
We will not cry.
We will not cry, and crying isthe body's natural defense to
infection.
It is the gateway to wellness,because when we cry, it
literally constricts andreleases muscles.
It literally pushes toxins outof our body.
(53:55):
It literally fatigues us sothat we can rest and take deep
breaths.
It gives us all of thesecleansing, beneficial things
that we don't do enough of.
And diet I cannot stress dietenough our brain and gut
connection, those probiotics,those prebiotics putting good,
(54:15):
healthy, live food into ourbodies, and not doing that is
killing our mental health andour physical health.
Laughing joy, anything thatbrings the body relief is
therapeutic, and so many of usneed to self medicate, whether
it's we're smoking things, we'retaking things, we're drinking
(54:36):
things, we're spending things,we're gambling things.
We're doing all of these thingsto make ourselves feel better,
not recognizing that it'stemporary relief, because our
body is crying out to us, tryingto indicate that we need help,
we need healing.
Josh Powell (54:53):
So I want to, because you know we're coming to
a close and I want to ask youthis and I'll kick it over to
Chanel, which is something alittle different Giving you the
mic right and you have it, buttake 30 to 60 seconds, whatever
you feel is on your heart.
(55:14):
If you could talk to a viewer,a listener, mind you, you've
given people a lot of gain, andI know you've done a lot of
things and a lot of work, but ifyou can dig deep into your bag
and figure out a message thatyou want to send to men, women,
children, whoever that willwatch this show, what is
(55:37):
something powerful that youwould like to say?
That maybe is something thatyou haven't been able to express
before.
Dr. Spirit (55:44):
Yeah, great questions, josh, really do.
I'm going to try not to crybecause, as you were saying that
, what I was thinking is youknow so many people are hurting,
so many people are hurting andthe hard part in, not just the
work I do, but just who I amintuitively as a person, I can
see it all the time and so it'sheavy all the time.
(56:07):
I would say to anybody outthere who would resonates with
and I know you're listening andyou know that I'm talking to you
I would say you can hide fromeverybody else, but you can't
hide from yourself.
You know what you're goingthrough, you know what you're
(56:29):
feeling, you know what keeps youup at night.
You know all the thoughts thatyou have.
You know the pain, the sadness,the anxiety, the worry, the
exhaustion.
And I want you to know that youdon't have to do it alone.
(56:49):
Everything that you're carryingyou can let go, and you can
even forgive yourself for thebad choices that you made when
you didn't have any other choicebut a bunch of bad options to
choose from.
And no matter what you havethought about yourself before
(57:10):
this moment, I want you to knowthat you are worthy.
You are worthy of relief.
You are worthy of every goodthing that you have dreamed of
and prayed for and watchedeverybody else have.
But you weren't sure if it wasfor you.
(57:32):
You just have to be willing todo the work of letting go of all
the pain that you have survived.
And those are not disqualifiers, those are qualifications.
God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.
(57:57):
And you are worthy.
Let that be your testimony tostep into the life that you are
supposed to be living and do thework to heal yourself and to
meet yourself and to understandwhat it's all been for, so that
you can finish your assignment.
(58:18):
You're worthy.
Josh Powell (58:34):
Because I've had a chance to watch you from afar
and working with you has been apleasure, but that was from
another place.
You know, I don't know what theplace was, but I know that was
from another place and I'mhoping that there's an
(58:56):
opportunity later on down theline that we can bring you back,
because your spirit, first andforemost, the fact that you
genuinely do this work.
I've come across a lot oftherapists you know what I mean
and I come across a lot ofpeople that's in this space and
I want to salute you.
You know what I mean.
(59:16):
I also want to tell you that Ilove you and somebody like
yourself doesn't get therecognition because you know,
like you mentioned, you knowyou're healed, you're good,
you're the one helping me, butnot realizing that you are still
human.
You cry, you hurt, you get upset, you go through things just
(59:39):
like anybody else and a lot oftimes you know you check on
people, but you're the onethat's not checked on.
So I wanted to take this moment.
I tell you privately, but Iwanted to publicly acknowledge
you as a really beautiful personand you know, I know the
(01:00:04):
impacts you've had on my life.
I've seen the impact thatyou've had on Chanel just within
this hour, but just everywhereyou go, and that speaks as a
testimony to what you're doing,how you're doing it, and that
(01:00:25):
you're causing healing in everyroom that you touch.
I'm just glad I got to know theperson.
I love it, I love it.
That has nothing to do with theprofession and I do think the
world to you and I really thankyou for taking the time to bless
(01:00:46):
this microphone, this room,with your presence.
I had to say it on live becauseyou know that puts the pressure
on, if we can say, you know itgets you back.
But seriously though, thank youand I'm going to let you know
Chanel close out, but I wantedto personally take that time to
tell you for sure the ancestorscame out on that one for sure.
(01:01:12):
That was something differentbecause I you know that had me
all feeling.
You know I had to look down.
I was like goodness becausethat was so strong.
You know what I mean For all ofus and I know that's going to
help somebody.
Chanel Scott (01:01:25):
I hope so.
No, I mean, you've said it.
I couldn't say it any betterthan Josh.
We really appreciate you coming.
My pleasure.
I'm going to get to the showand I definitely am going to get
some sessions outside of theshow.
Dr. Spirit (01:01:38):
Oh, we need it, we all need it.
Chanel Scott (01:01:41):
This has to say yeah absolutely, we definitely
need it, definitely Somethingthat I would like to see as a
reoccurring thing, because Itypically do not cry because
it's like nobody don't careanyway.
I've kind of been groaned tokind of operate like that, like
put your emotions to the sideand do what you need to do.
So it was just encouraging justto be able to hear you share
(01:02:04):
those words.
Dr. Spirit (01:02:05):
So thank, you my pleasure and know that that's
been a function of ourconditioning.
We have been taught, especiallyon this continent, that we
don't have time for tears, andtears will make you vulnerable
and you got to be tough.
You got to be tougher than thisworld because it will take you
out and we are all working onsurviving, absolutely, yep.
Josh Powell (01:02:28):
That's a wrap.
Good people, relationshipsmatter.
Podcasts we are out.
Yes, relationships matter.
I need to understand.
Relationships matter.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah yeah.
Popular Podcasts
Law & Order: Criminal Justice System - Season 1 & Season 2
Season Two Out Now! Law & Order: Criminal Justice System tells the real stories behind the landmark cases that have shaped how the most dangerous and influential criminals in America are prosecuted. In its second season, the series tackles the threat of terrorism in the United States. From the rise of extremist political groups in the 60s to domestic lone wolves in the modern day, we explore how organizations like the FBI and Joint Terrorism Take Force have evolved to fight back against a multitude of terrorist threats.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
NFL Daily with Gregg Rosenthal
Gregg Rosenthal and a rotating crew of elite NFL Media co-hosts, including Patrick Claybon, Colleen Wolfe, Steve Wyche, Nick Shook and Jourdan Rodrigue of The Athletic get you caught up daily on all the NFL news and analysis you need to be smarter and funnier than your friends.