July 10, 2024 • 58 mins
From pimping culture to marriage culture, join us on "Relationships Matter" as Turquoise Barney, aka Her500, gives us a peak behind the blue curtain. From transforming her relationship expectations, to tackling the challenges of dating as a single mom, and mastering the are of co-parenting harmoniously. Her story is one of building trust, setting boundaries, and creating a supportive, healthy home where she reigns supreme.
//LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE
Help us grow by subscribing and liking on YouTube!
//COMMENT
Share your thoughts. Please let us know in the comments below.
//REVIEW
Did you enjoy this episode? If so, please leave a short review.
//BOOKS
Relationships Matter by Chanel Scott
//SOCIAL
Instagram RelationshipsMatterLive
//CONTACT
Hosts
Instagram: Chanel N. Scott
Instagram: Josh Powell
For business inquiries:
prteam@CheMinistry.com
NEW HERE
Opposing experiences, a single woman and a married man, Chanel Scott, and Josh Powell, create a powerful and empathetic team, offering valuable insights and advice on navigating the complexities of romantic relationships and promoting healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Join Chanel and Josh as they unlock the secrets of successful relationships one conversation at a time.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I never wanted to be married.
I never desired marriage.
Like I said, I don't come fromthat.
I didn't see that.
I didn't see healthyrelationships.
And then the relationships Idid see growing up, I didn't
want to be a part of that and,just to be completely honest,
I've always had infidelityissues in relationships before
because I'm like I'm you knowyou say about to bounce out on
(00:24):
me or cheat on me or you knowwhat I mean.
Like that was my brain, likeyou know what I mean.
Look out for myself, always beabout myself, look out for
myself.
And when I met him, thatcompletely changed.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Relationships matter.
I need you to understandRelationships matter.
Speaker 4 (00:50):
Welcome to Relationships Matter.
I'm Chanel Scott.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
And I am Josh Powell.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
And we have an amazing guest with us here today
, ms Tori Course Barney.
Yes, welcome to RelationshipsMatter.
We're so happy to have you.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Thank you guys for having me.
Absolutely yes.
Speaker 4 (01:05):
So we're going to jump right in.
Okay, you know I've alreadybeen talking to you about your
relationship, so we're going totalk all things relationship.
But my first question to you isgoing to be why do
relationships matter to you?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Because I feel like relationships are the foundation
to everything you know, whetherit's an intimate relationship
with your partner, whether it'sa friendship, whether it's a
relationship that you have withyour family members, relatives,
things like that.
I just feel like they set thefoundation for your life and how
you operate in your daily life,or how you converse with other
(01:37):
people, or the types ofrelationships that you're able
to build with other people.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Being from from northern california.
Can you talk a little bit aboutthe differences and maybe some
cultural things or some familytraditional things that you know
how you were raised and how youview relationship?
Speaker 1 (01:56):
so crazy as it is being raised in california, from
what I see, versus living here,we had tradition.
We don't have any culture.
It doesn't exist, even fortraditional things that have
went on in past time.
Like we don't, we weren'traised like that and I always
tell people like we it's like amore liberal sense, like we just
(02:18):
do what we do, like there's nostructure, there's no ordinance,
there's no nothing when itcomes to family units or
relationships and things likethat.
Like I told you before, I don'tI don't, I don't have a lot of
married friends there or peoplewho are in healthy relationships
per se, but when coming here,it's just completely different
to be married as a culture.
There's a culture of marriedpeople here, um, people in
(02:41):
relationships, even going out to, like you know, and bars,
nightlifes to see couplestogether.
In California we don't see noneof that.
We go out with our friends.
You know what I mean.
And still today, I left therein 2016 and it's still the same.
Like you know, it's cliquishwith my friends, it's not.
Oh, we're having couples datesor couples nights and things
(03:04):
like that.
It's I'm not saying it doesn'texist there, but, from what I
was around there versus here,completely different yeah, I
think it's a southern, asouthern culture.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
Yeah, I think the goal here is to be married.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
People, they aspire to bemarried.
They look at other people.
Now you have social media andyou see relationships.
You're like you know it'snormal, it's normal it's.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
It's normalized here and it's so crazy because me and
my husband aren't from here.
So when we see it, we like,we're like, okay, well, this is
what people do here, this iswhat you're supposed to do.
We both come from marriedparents but they've had toxic,
broken relationships.
You know my dad was married tomy mom for 11 years and you know
(03:45):
they were both, you know, drugaddicts and you know, born in
the eighties and things likethat.
Even his mom like she wasmarried to her husband twice
divorced him twice both toxicrelationships.
So we don't know healthy formsof marriage or even being in a
relationship.
It was really hard work for usbecause we don't come from that.
We didn't have friends who werelike that until we got here and
(04:08):
it was just a game changer,like, ok, this is what we're
supposed to do and this is whatwe want to do.
We just didn't know how to doit, if that makes sense or if it
was right to do.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Why don't real quick?
Why don't why?
Why, why?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
don't you see, uh, as many married couples in, like
where you're from.
You know, like I told youbefore, it's pimping main out
there.
You know it's like a, a, apimping whole culture out there,
unfortunately, like or, youknow I'm gonna use this language
, I'm sorry, but you know I'mfrom California, but men feel
like it's, you know they'll sayaob, you know all on a female.
(04:52):
You know what I mean.
Like their livelihood and howthey survive is off of a female.
It's common there.
Aob yeah, the b word, yeah, soit's all on a female.
When I say pimping culture,it's just not I'm a pimp, it's
how, how they construct theirlives and how they survive.
And I only know probably twomen in my life out there who are
(05:17):
married with women and and theytake care of their women.
Other than that, women takecare of the men.
Yes, wow, and it's common, andI don't care what nobody tells
you, that's common in northerncalifornia because that's where
so you know I'm gonna get inyour business because your
husband, marcus barney, aka him500.
Speaker 4 (05:39):
Yeah, how did you guys connect with that culture
like?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Like, like I said, it was hard for us and you know,
to the core, like you know,Marcus is still a nigga, but you
know, when we kind of.
So that's how our situationkind of started off.
You know he was like well, Iwant to be in a relationship.
I just got out of arelationship.
I'm like, well, I'm not lookingfor one either, so we can just
(06:06):
have fun.
Like this is, this is just whatwe're going to do.
As I told you, we had a travelship because he was already
living here, so he would go backand forth because we're from
the same place, so his family'sthere.
So I was like, okay, well, wewould meet up in places.
Like our first date was inHouston, texas, cause we're like
, let's go to a place where henever really been before I've
been to, you know, vegas.
We drive to Vegas, it's a cheapflight.
(06:26):
All the time I was like I'vebeen to Arizona, you know
Washington.
I was like I haven't reallybeen to Texas yet.
He was like well, I ain'treally been to Texas yet either.
So we met there.
That was our first date andafter that we kind of hit it off
.
So a year later I just kind ofnoticed that I was like man,
he's just taking up a lot of mytime, like he required so much
from me, but we're not in arelationship.
(06:47):
And then I got tired ofexplaining myself, like you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Once again, the mentality that we come from like
look, look, we didn't.
You know, have you everparticipated in the pimping
culture?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Absolutely not, absolutely not.
I was raised by a man.
I was raised by a man.
I was raised by my father.
I didn't have a mother, so Iwas raised by my father, and
literally everyone that I didknow, or everyone that was a
friend of mine, didn't have afather.
So I just felt like and for alot, a lot of my growing up, I
(07:21):
felt like I did things to pleasemy father.
So I knew that that's somethingthat would disappoint him.
And, plus, I wasn't never likeI didn't come from.
I didn't come from a povertystricken household.
I just came from a povertystricken environment because my
dad didn't know any better.
You know what I mean.
But he had a good job.
You know, he made good money.
(07:42):
We just live like we did in anarea like we didn't, if that
makes sense.
So, no, never, never desired to, and they was always getting
beat up and stuff.
What happened over here?
Speaker 2 (07:56):
you didn't feel like explaining yourself, but do you
think that's because there wasprobably the assumption or what
was the explaining part that yousaid you didn't feel like
getting into?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
explaining what I was doing, why I was doing it where
I was going.
It was like we're in arelationship.
So I'm like, okay, well, ifthis is what you want, I'm open
to it.
I want to be in a relationshipbecause you're taking up a lot
of my time.
Like you know what I mean.
Like we would.
It will be all night, we'll beall night on the phone or all
(08:29):
day texting, or you know whereare you at, what you're doing,
and vice versa.
I was doing it to him too.
I can't just make it seem likeit was just him.
So we were kind of doing it toeach other and I was like man,
this feels like a relationship.
Like I feel like, yeah, youknow what I mean.
So it's like.
When that time came, when I waslike, ok, well, this is what
we're doing, he was like no, Itold you I don't want to be in a
relationship.
And I was like well, if youdon't want to be in a
(08:51):
relationship, then we can't moveon or continue forward.
So I blocked him for maybeabout five days.
Then he emailed me becausethat's the only way he can get
in touch with me.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
It was like we need to talk and then we established
a relationship from there.
So he gave in in five days.
Five days because I'm like heknew with that little five days,
men always do what they want.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
But I just feel like you know that word relationship
means that I have to give somuch of myself that I'm probably
not ready for you know what Imean.
And I don't know.
And plus, I had a child at thetime too.
So for us to be in arelationship, it's like you have
to be a part of this.
You know what I mean and I justthink realistically that's
(09:40):
something that he didn't wantand he just said he wanted to be
in a relationship so hewouldn't lose me.
Because it was.
It was shitty at first.
You know what I mean.
Like it was real rocky.
You know what I mean.
So I saw the changes, you know.
You see the red flags and stuffand I'm like, oh, you just know
, when somebody really doesn'twant it and it was like I kind
of forced it because of theposition he was putting me in
(10:00):
like right, we're in arelationship.
Like you know, you're requiringso much from me.
You know what I mean and I canonly give it to you if we're in
a relationship right, so that's.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
That's pretty much how it happened.
I was gonna say how did youmanage the distance, though,
like even with him being over,you on the east coast and you on
the west?
Like I said, we're on the phonea lot.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
you know, we talked a lot like when I because I was
in college, so like I would justgo to school, come home and
take care of my child, that's it.
But other than that, like we'reon the phone a lot texting, a
lot FaceTime, and I'm like youknow you're taking a lot of my
time, like even on weekends too,because that was the thing.
Like we had a rule we wouldn'ttalk on the weekends, that was
(10:42):
just a rule.
Like you know, we're not, we'renot together.
You know what I mean.
We're not, you know we're nottalking on the weekends.
Then he start calling me onFridays and Saturdays and I'm
like, oh my god, once again mymentality, my northern
California mentality, was like,look, if we're going to do this,
this has to be where we'regoing to be at but the video I
saw.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
Did he not have a girlfriend?
Yeah, yeah, okay, he did.
And when you got knowledge ofthat, how did you deal?
Speaker 1 (11:09):
with that.
We didn't talk anymore.
Yeah, we didn't talk anymore.
And then he was like you knowwhat, I'm not really feeling her
.
I dumped her, woo-woo, this.
But you know women, you knowwe're detectives, you know at
100%.
So I was like, well, she justuploaded this picture, you know,
of you guys.
Like I said, it was just realrocky, you know what I mean,
(11:29):
like in the beginning.
So it wasn't, you know, itwasn't anything that him or I
wanted.
That's why I said distanceworked until it didn't.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yeah, so when we get back definitely want to take a
quick left because you mentionedprior already being a mother
and just wanting to see whatthat feels like to allow
somebody in your space, in yourchild's space, because I know
that's a big deal, yeah, foranybody.
When we get back, relationshipsmatter welcome back to
(12:02):
relationships matter.
Speaker 4 (12:04):
so before we went to break, we were talking about
your whole dating experiencewith Mr Marcus Barney, who is
now in the house.
I got to put that out there.
He snuck up on us.
But I want to talk about youjust being a mom and dating.
What did?
Speaker 1 (12:18):
that look like it was scary.
My daughter has never met anyman because she had an active
family like her father and hisfamily.
They're very active in her lifeand, plus, I was raised by my
father.
I've I've never been introducedwell to one woman besides my
mother.
(12:38):
So just, first off, she's alittle girl, right.
First off, she's a little girl,right.
So I just think I can't haveanybody else that have any type
of influence around my child.
You know what I mean, becauseshe has a father.
So I would never, nobody's ever, met her.
Like, marcus is the only one whomet her, and how he met her was
(13:00):
because, as we were dating,when he would come to California
and visit I would always makesure that she was gone.
And obviously, because I don't,you know, we're just dating, I
don't know if you're going to behere, I don't want to introduce
her to you, I don't want herasking you know where's that man
?
You know what I mean, because Ijust know how uncomfortable it
would make me to explain it toher, like mommy's dating.
Then here comes, whatever thecase may be.
(13:26):
So I remember one day he saidhow come you never bring your
daughter around?
And I didn't say anything, Ijust remained quiet and he said
if you don't bring her around,our relationship is not real.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Oh, definitely put me all in my place.
So I'm like you know, I mean Isat long and hard, I even pray,
I prayed about it.
I'm like you know, I mean I satlong and hard, I even pray, I
prayed about it.
I'm like you know what, lord?
Um, I hope I'm doing the rightthing.
And I remember the first timewe he met her.
We went to go pick her up andshe just stood there quiet, like
(13:59):
you know who's this man, do youknow what I mean?
I was like karma, this isMarcus.
You know Marcus, this karma,and he's very good with kids,
very playful and things likethat.
But still, like for a long time,even when we moved here
together, like that was scaryfor me.
You know what I mean, becausethis is my daughter, like this
is, I'll live for her as well asdie for her.
(14:19):
You know what I mean.
So it was hard, it was tough,but it I just had to trust.
I had to trust God.
That's the only person who youknow, who kept me sane even when
I had to go to work and he hadto watch her.
It made me so uncomfortablestill to leave my daughter with
somebody she may see still as astranger, because she has a
father.
You know what I mean.
(14:39):
So, but we good now, it's goodnow.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
How was the dynamic between cause?
You said the dad is stillpresent.
Yeah, ok so how's that dynamicthen, with your husband and him,
her father?
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Oh, it's good, you know, because Marcus is good
with everybody or he'll make itgood.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
You know what?
Speaker 3 (15:00):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
A lot of times you don't hear the positivity of
parenting or co-parenting.
Right, we want to label it.
So that's why I just wanted toask to kind of see what that
dynamic looks like becausepeople typically get in their
feelings.
I get it but I don't agree withit because they don't want.
You know, it's like they feellike they're losing control or
(15:22):
something like that, and it'slike no, if it's really about
the child.
it's about the child and theyfeel like they're losing control
or something like that and it'slike no, if it's really about
the child.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
It's about the child.
And I feel like that's wherethings go toxic because you're,
honestly you're, you're stillattached to the person.
You know what I mean, whetheryou want to acknowledge it or
not, because if it, if youweren't, it wouldn't even matter
.
It just becomes about the child.
When I left, my child's father,that was it.
Like that was all, like we'rejust done.
(15:47):
So anybody else who came afterit's like I don't, you know, I
don't give a damn what you do.
I hope you don't give a damnwhat I do.
Like this is just what we'redoing.
But Marcus invites him out for,like father's day you know they
had a father's day trip togethermy baby's birthday.
Like he's a completely, youknow different animal because of
(16:08):
me.
But if I said no f him, we, we,you know, then Marcus would be
like okay, well, it's whateveryou say, whatever you want to do
, I'm with you, but I'm okaywith that.
I want that because I want itfor my daughter.
You know what I mean, becausewe weren't raised with that.
You know what I mean.
Or around that, or we seen thetoxic.
I'm like I can't, I don't want,or I try my best not to project
those, those instances on mychild.
(16:31):
You know what I mean and it maybe a little overbearing, you
know, for her, because I'mtrying so hard to not be that.
So it's like a push for what wedon't have or what we haven't
seen or what I feel you you knowmay be right and and they have
a okay relationship.
Like he asked to come toMarcus's birthday parties and
stuff.
So it's good and my daughtersees it and she loves it.
(16:55):
You know she loves her father.
I love the way she loves herfather.
I love the way daughters lovetheir fathers, because I was
raised by mine, so I just knowhow it is.
Um, and the way she lovesMarcus is like it's, it's.
It's no denying that we're,we're in a good space there.
That's that I can say is thatwe've always been in a good
space.
(17:15):
And plus, you know he don'tbother me.
As long as he don't bother me,I don't bother him.
I just, you know we're okay.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
Remember how we spoke , you know, prior to even
cutting the cameras on.
Like it's moments like thatwhere I have a huge level of
appreciation because I have tolive through people.
You know what I'm saying.
I have multiple children and mydynamic and all of that.
But to hear a woman say I lovehow my daughter loves her father
and that type of respect, andfor me to experience what I'm
(17:43):
experiencing on my end and it'slike man, like it, just it still
gives.
Granted, I know that thingscould change, of course, you
know I understand all of that,but it still gives a little bit
of hope.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Yeah, you know what I mean Because my overall
experience has been extremelychallenging.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Extremely challenging is the most politically correct
way that I can say that.
So for me it's refreshing.
Yeah, you know what I mean Tosee that type of dynamic and
that type of respect and you'vealready mentioned, like you know
, I don't come from that.
So my question would be totransition like where, where do
you get that foundation?
You know what I mean.
(18:21):
Like where, where, where do youand marcus feel like you know
we're gonna do healthy?
We didn't see it, but it can bedone.
Like where, where does thatcome from?
Because I'm trying to eraseanybody's excuse yeah, yeah this
is how I grew up.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
This is what it is like.
No, I always say that'sbullshit.
Anyway, excuse me yeah no, Ialways say that's bullshit
anyways, because I can't, youknow, blame my upbringing for my
actions that I have bestowed onme today.
Or you know what?
You know, I'm killing niggasbecause all I saw was murder.
You know what I mean.
Like there's no to say thatyou're reactive to that.
(18:57):
Something that happened to you15, 20 years ago or from what
you saw, you know is ridiculous.
But I feel like for us, like wetalk about the things that we
want and we try to work towardsthat, whether it works or not,
we, we try to work on that andyou know, sometimes we're not
the best at it.
We do have failing and tryingtimes.
You know what I mean.
(19:17):
We always have them.
But the one thing I can say wedo is that we keep trying, like
we haven't given up yet, like weknow, okay, we shouldn't be
doing this, or we said we weregoing to try to do this, even if
it lasts for two weeks.
You know what I mean and thenthe next week we write back at
it again.
We, like, you know what wefucked up.
You know what I mean and it'sacknowledgement and accept and
(19:38):
being accountable.
I think that's one thing thatwe try to do, because lord knows
it's hard to look at yourselfin the mirror, but hold
ourselves accountable for who weare in the relationship, the
relationships with ourselves,the relationships with our
families, our children,everything.
He corrects me on a lot ofthings, I correct him on things
and we at least try to take itin.
(20:00):
You know what I mean, for forwhat we can.
Like I said, it don't work allthe time, but the most part we
say, look, these are the twotypes of people like, even
coming in this, we said wewanted a partnership, not a
dictatorship.
Right, I never wanted to bemarried.
I I never desired marriage.
Like I said, I don't come fromthat.
I didn't see that.
I didn't see healthyrelationships.
(20:21):
And then the relationships Idid see growing up, I didn't
want to be a part of that and,just to be completely honest,
I've always had infidelityissues in relationships before.
Because I'm like I'm, you know,you know you say about to
bounce out on me or cheat on meor you know what I mean.
Like that was my brain, likeyou know what I mean look out
for myself, always be aboutmyself, look out for myself.
(20:42):
And when I met him, thatcompletely changed.
Like all of that just went away.
When I say he was my knight inshining armor, like everything,
every test I've given him he'spassed, I mean literally just
broke me down to the core.
You gotta tell me about thetest.
Speaker 4 (21:01):
So before moving to tell me about the test.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
So before moving here , this was the biggest one.
Okay, so before moving here,because he asked me to move here
because I was moving to Vegas,well, I was already staying in
Vegas and he was like, well, whydon't you come move here?
I was like, well, I don't know.
You know that's away from mydaddy, you know what I mean.
Like it's far.
(21:26):
And I was like, look, I'll giveyou two weeks to look for a
place if you don't find us aplace in two weeks, because I'm
not moving in with anybody.
So if you don't find us a placein two weeks, then I guess it
just wasn't meant to be.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
oh, that was a hard one.
You thought he was gonna fail,oh girl.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
I was hoping he fell.
I was hoping he fell.
Literally no, in a week he waslike yep, I found this place.
He looked up the location, theschool districts.
My baby was barely in preschoolat the time, she was three
years old.
He looked up the schooldistricts areas.
I worked for Kaiser at the time.
(22:01):
It was a Kaiser right acrossthe street in Duluth.
I worked for Kaiser at the time.
It was a Kaiser right acrossthe street in Duluth.
Like literally everything helooked for was to accommodate me
and my life.
His family lived clear acrossGeorgia, on the other side and
I'm like well, why wouldn't you?
You know the help is over there.
Like well, he was like no,here's right here, here's Kaiser
, here, the schools for karma.
(22:22):
Like everything waslegitimately to accommodate me.
So I couldn't say no, I didn'thave any excuse.
So, that put me to the test,like literally, like my bags was
packed up to go to Vegas.
I was that way, but I movedhere.
I remember I moved here April19th 2016.
(22:43):
And my truck got got here and Iremember I didn't unpack my
stuff for about three months.
I left my stuff in boxes justin case it didn't work out.
Wow, yeah, because I was stillscared and fearful, like I know
this man, but I don't know thisman like that, like I don't know
.
Like we've been back and forth,we visited, we did, we did
(23:05):
things, but there's no, it'sdifferent when you live with
somebody.
You know what I mean.
So even that and I was like mydaughter's here, even her family
asked her to stay.
They was like, why don't youlet her stay until you get your
stuff together?
But I'm like who leaves theirchildren?
Right, you know what I mean?
Like as tempting as that was,cause I'm like, okay, we're
(23:26):
going to a new place, a new area, with a new man.
If it don't work out, he couldbe a serial killer.
I mean he could be a womanbeater.
I mean he can be all kinds ofthings.
You know what I mean.
And then I bring my daughterinto this space and then she has
trauma forever, cause she'llnever forget it.
So I'm like you know what?
Speaker 2 (23:42):
like, literally, faith brought me here, like God
brought me here so I'm glad thatyou're speaking on that because
, for one, I hope that a lot ofpeople are as careful yeah, what
I mean and strategic in regardsto their movement, and it
shouldn't take a child to createthat type of, you know,
character in a person.
But when we get back, I do wantto talk to you about, because
(24:05):
you mentioned again growing up,seeing toxic, you know, and then
y'all are building this healthydynamic.
But even though y'all aregrowing and on your journeys,
when we get back, what are someof the things you had to check
him on?
And vice versa, when you getback, relationships matter.
Speaker 4 (24:29):
Welcome back to Relationships Matter.
So before we get into this nextsegment, I just want to say I
know that we talked early aboutyour daughter and the
expectations that you set.
You're like I don't need a manfor that.
(25:00):
I'm cool with me, and that'swhat I hear exuding from you.
I'm okay with me.
I don't need to be validatedthrough a man or I don't have to
live vicariously through arelationship if it's just me,
right, I'm cool with me, even tothe extent you said I even in
the video we talked about it onthe last segment you talked
about she has a father, right?
(25:21):
You know what I'm saying.
Like, I want to make that clearup front, that she has a father
.
I want to acknowledge that shehas a father, even though they
have a beautiful relationship.
I get I get privy to itwatching some of Marcus's videos
with her.
I get to see that and I lovetheir dynamic.
But the fact that you can stillsay, well, she has an active
father in her life and I'm nottrying to replace him.
(25:42):
I just want to pull that out onthe show for whoever is watching
, for that to be the example.
So I have to say that.
So now I wish I could be asconfident, like the confidence
that's exuding from that chair.
Yeah, I'm just in awe.
That's why I'm just sittinghere doing like this, that's why
I'm not saying anything.
(26:03):
I'm like she know who she isand we can learn a lot from that
as a woman.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (26:14):
But, josh, I want to talk about this whole idea of he
checks you on some things andyou check him on some things.
What exactly does that looklike?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
You say accountability accountability
with our people, but you holdhim accountable?
Certain lingo.
Speaker 3 (26:26):
They feel like it's like oh my.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
God, it's just an accountability piece, because
you mentioned that you both dothat with each other.
So what are?
Speaker 3 (26:35):
what are?
Speaker 2 (26:35):
some examples of what that looks like from you and
from them.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
I don't know if you would call this accountability,
but we know we both have likeoperating roles in this
relationship and in ourhousehold primarily in our
household and there'll be timeswhen you know we get in tobaccos
or disagreements and I won'tfulfill them because I've gotten
an attitude and my energy justisn't there.
(27:07):
And so we had a conversationthe day before yesterday.
He was like look, look, do yousee what you do when you get an
attitude or you becoming yourfeelings?
I won't get no breakfast.
You won't help me pack my bag,you won't help me do this.
You will help me do that likeyou know, and and he's right,
(27:33):
because I couldn't even.
There was no rebuttal.
You know what I mean.
Like no, you lying.
You know what I mean.
Like it was none of that, itwas like.
You know, you right.
So those are some of the thingsthat I try to hold myself
accountable or be aware of, likewhen we are in a disagreement
or something like that.
Like you know, turk, you knowthat you have to do this, or you
(27:54):
know this is something that youhave been doing, so continue to
do it.
You know what I mean.
Like just stuff, like that.
It's nothing, let me see.
I mean, I have to check him allthe time, so you know, men
don't never get it right.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
So you know, men don't never get it right.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
What is that?
Like you know, like Marcustravels a lot, right, and you
know, half of the time I haven'tfigured out or know where he's
going, until he said book myticket, or something like that,
and I was like, well, you didn'ttell me.
He was like, well, you justbooked my ticket.
And I was like, well, what isit?
Where are you going?
(28:37):
What are you doing?
It's just how he's used tooperating.
But it's like um continuouslyhappened to repeat myself like
talk to me about these things,so things like that.
And I feel like, especially inthe beginning, he felt like I
(28:57):
was trying to control him andit's like no, I'm not trying to
control you.
We're in a relationship.
Why wouldn't you want me toknow those things?
Like, why isn't that somethingthat we can talk about?
You know what I mean.
Like why?
Well, because you already know,or you seen it on Instagram.
I seen it on Instagram.
Yeah, I seen you as going toall three places on these three
(29:20):
dates.
Like, did you ask if I hadanything planned or were we
doing anything?
So he's gotten a lot better.
Like the checking isn't reallychecking anymore.
You know what I mean.
As we grow, of course, thingschange and things like that.
But I feel like, for the mostpart, like we know better or we
know what we do intentionally.
You know what I mean,especially if something's being
(29:41):
done on purpose, like I tellMarcus, look, you stay out past
midnight, it's an issue.
So if something's going on wehaving a tobacco he'll come at
like 12, 30 and I know it's onpurpose.
You know what I mean.
Like it's to piss me off.
Yeah, petty, him has grown up alot, but I know that that's
(30:03):
something that, like, he'llintentionally do and I'm like,
look, it's unfair, like we bothhave boundaries, we not even set
rules.
But it's respect.
You know what I mean and,respectfully, this is something
that I'm asking for and,respectively, respectively,
whatever you ask for, like Ihave to exert that.
You know what I mean.
If I don't, then it becomes aproblem.
But you're aware, because I'vecommunicated this with you, just
(30:25):
like I'm aware and you'vecommunicated certain things with
me, you know what I mean.
So those are the things.
It's always petty petty.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
So I got a.
I got an interesting question.
I was just thinking aboutlistening to you talk.
Y'all are both extremelysuccessful.
Do you find it difficult tooperate in your relationship
where you take that hat off?
You take that hat off because alot of times people right they
(30:59):
they're used to operating intheir workspace and they bring
that home right.
Is that a big issue for you all?
Yes, if so, how do y'allnavigate in that space?
Speaker 1 (31:06):
it's more of an issue for him than me.
Okay, because I'm alwaysoperating in the home.
My work I do is at home, unlessI go to the office, but other
than that, the majority of mywork is done at home.
So, regardless, I'm stilloperating in this space of
nurture, love, care.
Everything is in here.
The household doesn't runwithout me, him.
(31:28):
He comes in and it's a lot oftimes it's talking about the
business, talking about what'sgoing on, or dead silence,
because I know that he's givenso much to everybody else,
sometimes there's nothing leftfor me.
You know what I mean.
So a lot of times I give himthat space, but other times,
like you know, damn, I have tostart a fight to get your
(31:49):
attention.
You know what I mean sometimes.
You know what I mean and we'reworking on it, but it's's still
like that.
Sometimes we it's it's hard for,like I said, for him, because
that's the space that heoperates in day in and day out.
He doesn't take the time andsay you know what, from five to
10, none of that.
(32:10):
You know what I mean.
It's like this has become.
It's a part of who he is, knowwhat I mean.
So turning it off it'd have tobe forced, like this saturday we
just went to the park, likepiedmont park, and just laid
there with a blanket, no phones,no, nothing like that, just
doing things we don't get to do,and that's just kind of relaxed
(32:32):
like we don't get to do andthat's just kind of relaxed Like
we don't get that.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
How does that make you feel?
Speaker 1 (32:40):
I got, I've gotten used to it.
It used to bother me where Ifelt like he he had a, like he
was detaching from therelationship, like or what's
wrong with you, how come I'm notgetting this?
It was like I felt like I wasbeing a needy woman because I'm
constantly asking you, you know,let's talk about this or let's
talk about that and it's like,okay, well, I'm working, I'm
(33:00):
doing this, I'm doing that andclear as day, I can see it.
You know what I mean.
Like he's there, I can see it,but it's like you're operating
there, you're not operating here.
You know what I so for,especially at the beginning, it
used to bother me and it used tocause more arguments because I
didn't understand, like, whatwas going on, or what are you
doing, or where are you going,or who are all these damn people
?
You know what I mean.
(33:21):
Like, and our house had so manypeople in it.
We had a housekeeper, we had anorganizer, we had people fixing
on stuff I mean literally andit was just everything was
congested.
So my release was I just wantto talk to you, like, about
everything that's going on.
And he's like, you know, I can'thear that right now I'm doing
this and I'm doing that and Ican see it clear as day and a
(33:44):
lot of times it would make mefeel bad, even though I was
uncomfortable with it.
It would make me feel badbecause I know he was working.
I know he was working because Isaw the bank account.
So I'm like you know thisobviously comes from, you know
the labor of the work and it'slike, but I still needed
something and he's gotten a lot,a lot better.
You know, when we start datinghe was 27,.
You know he's about to be 36.
(34:05):
So he's completely went fromlike that young boy to transform
it into a grown man.
Speaker 4 (34:12):
Talk about that maturation process, though, how
did you guys set boundariesaround the relationship so that
you could have your time?
And then, because I'm one ofthem type of people that's
driven, driven, driven- like onall the time.
It could be 11 o'clock at night.
If I need to call, then I'mgoing to pick up the phone and
I'm going to call.
So how do you set boundariesaround that?
So?
Speaker 2 (34:34):
before you get into your answer.
We get back.
Speaker 4 (34:43):
Welcome back to Relationships Matter.
So before we went to break, Iwas asking you about boundaries,
and how do you guys setboundaries around the
relationship being that Marcusis so it sounds seems like he's
more task driven, like check thebox, like you know this you
know, I'm kind of like that too.
Speaker 3 (35:00):
To the point no, them boxes, yeah, them boxes, yeah,
so how?
Speaker 4 (35:04):
do you guys create that, the, the boundaries and
the balance around therelationship?
So that you guys can have yourtime and you know, and then he
can still do what he needs to doin that space you know the okay
.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
So it's something that we do do every night, right
, like?
And when he was talking to histherapist, his therapist asked
him the same question, like whatis something that you know, you
, just, you guys just do foryourself, like what's the time
to yourself?
Because obviously you guys Imean literally we're running all
day, um, and at the end of thenight maybe I put my kids to bed
(35:43):
at 8, 8, 30, so after that,like we have a hookah room you
know what I mean like you'llhave a drink and I'll have mine,
and maybe for like three hoursmajority of the nights
throughout the week.
That's, that's our time to,where we kind of get to dump
stuff off off of one another,like, but that's, that's, that's
pretty much it okay.
As far as, like the bound,there is no boundaries for
(36:05):
anything at all.
Like literally, we don't go.
Like the kids have a schedule.
You know his schedule iseverywhere.
My non-negotiables is my hair,nails and and feet and you know
my pampering.
But you know, other than that,like there is none, like we
don't, that doesn't really exist.
She said that doesn't exist.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
That don't, yeah.
So I know you mentioned likeabout being understanding
because you know you see itright.
You mentioned like about beingunderstanding because you know
you see it right.
But even and I'm just speakingon behalf of like other
conversations I've had andthings like that where a woman
(36:44):
can see like the man is workinghard, you know he's on his grind
, but then, as you mentionedthat distance, that gap, because
it's like all right, like thisis, it's like an ongoing thing,
like this is like an ongoingthing.
But what about me?
Or what about the kids?
Or you know those things thatmatter.
But how?
How are you able to really likebe OK in that space, knowing in
(37:09):
the long run, because I've beentogether for at least 10 plus
years?
It's been eight, eight yearsgoing on 10 okay, um, because I
know resentment can set in forpeople and, and you know we, we
see a lot of couples even thoughsuccessful, but the resentment
happens.
(37:29):
It could be within year 15, itcould be within year 20, you
know, know what I mean, wherethat can seep in.
And for you it's just a realquestion, because there are
women that not you, but just ingeneral there are women who are
like I'm okay with this becauseI have the lifestyle I'm good.
Like they'll find those ways tosettle you feel what I'm saying,
(37:52):
but in y'all's situation, likey'all really love each other,
yeah, but then you have thesedifferent dynamics going on.
So I just wanted to to ask,like if I feel like it goes too
far, I'll force myself in thesituation.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Okay, you know what I mean.
Like I'll force them, I'llforcefully put myself there.
Or I'll forcefully put me andthe kids there and say, hey, we
come in too.
You know what I mean.
Like you go in here for thatlong, ok, well, we'll come on
this day, or when the kids getout of school, or something like
that.
I don't, I don't let it go toofar to where we feel completely
detached, like damn, we ain'tseen you when you been, or
anything like that.
(38:28):
Like if it never goes too far,because, like I said, if I feel
uncomfortable with something orI just feel like, nah, I
forcefully put myself in asituation.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
Do you think he would ever notice?
Speaker 1 (38:42):
on his own, or would he be too locked in?
I don't think it's anythingthat he would notice.
I don't think that he wouldthink that far into it, like, oh
OK, we'll just come.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
You know what I mean, because I'm speaking like as
I'm, as I'm talking again, it'sin and I understand the
intentions are always pure.
You know, I know for me, likein my situation, as much as I
worked and different things thatI did again, not y'all's with
mine, when, when things wasn'tgoing right.
You know a part of for one.
(39:12):
The narrative that the kidsheard was well, I'm here doing
all of this for y'all.
I got y'all, even though therewas the understanding
quote-unquote that daddy wasworking.
But then I was villainized formy efforts.
But we had to sit in front ofthat person yeah, he makes
decisions, yeah so that that'swhat my question, because I'm
(39:33):
just curious, like justnaturally curious, how, how you
all are balancing that, becauseit is important and a lot of
times we do get stuck in ourroles in such a way that if we
don't find that time you know toto get that balance and to be
able to come back, then you knowit can in other situations.
I know for me it just itcreates that distance which
(39:55):
turns into to something else.
That's why I just wanted to askhow are?
Y'all navigating that?
Speaker 1 (40:00):
you know, I just think for us, when I do think
about things like that, it'slike we really want to be in
this relationship.
So, regardless of of what we'regoing through or how we're
going through it, like, if youreally want to be in this
relationship, you, you'll salveit out.
You know what I mean.
Like you'll, you'll figure itout.
And I just feel like, forpeople who don't want to, for
people who chose to step outsideof their relationship marriage
(40:23):
or distance or whatever well,what did you do to conform that?
Because obviously you werefeeling exactly what I felt and
you let it happen, like I let ithappen.
You know what I mean.
That's why I said a lot oftimes, I'll forcefully put
myself, you know there, like nonigga, you going too long.
You know what I mean.
Like we'll come, or I'll come,or you know what I mean, or
something like that.
But other than that, I feel likethe only reason, a lot of the
(40:45):
reason why this works, isbecause we want it to work.
That's it.
We're not perfect at all.
Like I'm heavily flawed.
So is he.
You know what I mean.
But at the end of the day, likewe, I want to be married to him
.
I want to be in thisrelationship.
I don't see anybody else buthim, and it's been like that
(41:05):
since I moved here, like it'sbeen nothing or nobody but him.
Because I want it and becausehe wants it, because I want it
and because he wants it and hemakes me feel wanted, like he
makes me feel like this is whatwe're doing together.
It's never him versus me, it'sthis is what we're doing
together in this marriage.
Speaker 4 (41:26):
So yeah, so you said something when you moved to
Atlanta.
I want to talk about that, talkabout, I want to talk about the
adjustment, because you onlyknew him, you only knew.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Marcus Well, no, okay , so I had a couple of friends
out here, Okay, so I had onefriend who I'm no longer friends
with, and then I've I had myother friend, calvin.
So when I first got here, thesewere the friends that I was
hanging with, and Marcus here.
These were the friends that Iwas hanging with and Marcus is
like no, you can't hang withthem, right, and I'm like what,
(41:57):
what you talking about?
He was like look, we have tobuild our foundation here.
So if you start showing yourdaughter to other outside people
, she'll get used to that.
She won't know me like we haveto get to know us and that was
so hard for me, wow, because I'mlike you got me fucked up, like
like I ain't come here to becontrolled and for a long time I
(42:20):
held, I held a littleresentment against him, like
you're trying to control me, soI would.
I would do things, you know, tokind of puff my chest out like
you're not controlling me, whenhe wasn't wrong, like he was not
like what was the examples ofsome of those things like
puffing your chest up oh, Iwould go anyways, like you know
what I mean, or I would go hang,you know, I would go hang with
(42:40):
them anyways.
And he was like well, you, you,you kind of know what I said and
I don't think, but was hehanging?
Speaker 4 (42:47):
with other people, though no, not really so he was.
He was there much of the time,pretty much okay, when I I first
moved here, when you firstmoved here, yeah 2016 when I
first moved here.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
So I'm not saying I was hanging with them all the
time or every day.
You know what I mean.
He was like look, don't startintroducing her to other people
just yet, because she has to getto know me.
His main concern was her, ourfoundation and this household.
My brain wasn't there yet, likehe was far beyond when.
When we moved here, he was farbeyond the scope of where my
(43:15):
brain was.
As far as you know, solidarity,the foundation and the family
and and things like that.
Speaker 4 (43:21):
I wasn't, I wasn't thinking like that and the fact
that he wanted to put thatamount of time into developing
the foundation.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
Most men don't, don't right, so I probably thought he
was full of shit at the time.
You know what I mean.
Like what you talking about.
Like I can't go hang with myfriend.
Like I said, I come fromnorthern.
Like this is what we do.
Like what are you talking about?
You know what I mean.
But for him you know he's beenhere years prior, so he's seen
things, he's done things and I'mlike I don't.
(43:49):
I don't know what that is orwhat you're talking about.
So I'm, you know I'll see youlater.
You know what I mean.
But I'm taking my daughterbecause she's playing with my
friend's son and you know thingslike that and you know.
But I eventually I got it.
Like I understood exactly whathe was saying.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
That's good.
So there has to come a level oftrust Right.
We understand that some peopledo do things in a way that's
controlling manipulative and allof those things, so we're going
to take that box.
We're going to put it to theside.
What were his actions that madeyou feel safe and confident
(44:26):
enough in order to really fullybuy in?
Because, listening to yourstory, obviously I got a million
of them.
I got into a relationship and Iremember that said person
expressed to me hey, you need tocut all female relationships in
(44:49):
your life, all right for myhousehold.
Cool, no problem.
That's what's gonna make youfeel right right but on the flip
side, the brothers, out the yinyang, the we grew up together
out the yin yang just wouldn'tlet it go, and when I hear you,
(45:10):
you know what I'm saying.
Like, what was that thing foryou?
You mentioned one examplebecause you said, well, well, he
told me that, but he was alsobeing an example for that.
Speaker 3 (45:18):
Right.
Speaker 1 (45:18):
You know what I'm saying so you know it was never
what he said, it was what he did.
Right, it was never.
You know it wasn't.
You know he macked on me for alittle bit before I got here,
but once I got here it was likestraight and narrow.
You know what I mean.
It's what he did.
It's the actions that he tookwith my daughter.
You know the play dates that hehad with her by himself, the
(45:42):
things that I felt like he puther before he put me.
You know what I mean.
Like the things that he didwith her, the things that he did
for me.
This man had nothing and gave meeverything and when I say
everything I mean everything towhere I wasn't this woman I am
before I came here.
(46:02):
Like he helped turn me intothis woman.
When they talk about submissionand being soft and things like
that, it's like I had none ofthat before I met this man.
But it was so easy to conforminto this because of who he was
like literally, when I say itwas just us like, it was just us
(46:23):
like I've literally hand andfoot, like and we got in
arguments, we got in fights Imean regular couple stuff but
like legitimately, it waseverything that he did that he
did to even put me in positionto make me be how do I say this
(46:44):
Just financially dependent onhim to quit my job.
You know what I mean.
Like I've always had a job, I'ma college graduate.
I've always had a job, I'm acollege graduate.
You know what I mean.
But just to relinquish, youknow, some of that to him like
it was everything he did, it wasnothing he said to make me, to
make me feel like it was OK.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
That's beautiful.
So when we get back more withMarcus's Mac and Welcome back to
Relationships Matter.
Speaker 4 (47:20):
All right, so we got the foundation laid right.
You guys have, I guess.
Well, first of all, before I gothere, when you got here to
Atlanta, how long was it beforeyou engaged and got married?
A?
Speaker 1 (47:37):
year, so we got engaged July 5th 2017.
Speaker 3 (47:43):
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (47:44):
But I was pregnant.
I think he asked to marry mebecause I was pregnant, Gosh.
Speaker 4 (47:49):
I wish I could write him over here.
Speaker 1 (47:52):
She was due December.
Speaker 4 (47:57):
Oh, my goodness, but I think you would be able to see
through that if that were thecase.
Oh, of course.
Speaker 1 (48:01):
Absolutely, because, like I said, I wasn't a person
who ever cared to be married.
I never felt like marriage wasfor me in anything.
I felt like it was more success, Like when I graduated from
college okay, I'm going to stayhere for a year, I'm going to go
buy a house, like I've alwaysjust saw me.
It was never having a partnerthe white picket fence, you know
, cleaning and cooking and thatjust, you know, that didn't,
(48:24):
that wasn't my forte.
So you know, when he asked ifit wasn't genuine or if I didn't
feel like this is somethingthat he really wanted it, I know
him it wouldn't happen.
He just wouldn't ask.
Right, he's not a person thatcan be forced into anything.
Right?
So, yeah, ok.
So now you have this foundation, right?
So, yeah, okay.
So it wouldn't happen.
Speaker 4 (48:41):
So now y'all have this foundation right.
How did you ease into the wholeAtlanta culture, Like with the
women, yeah?
Because she's struggling withit.
I'm struggling with it.
I even talked to Marcus aboutit.
Speaker 1 (48:52):
Don't come up from my seat enough.
No, listen, it's.
You know, you just have to.
What I found is you just haveto find your people like.
And I think that a lot ofpeople get so fixated on the
who's who on social media andthey want to be attached to that
and a lot of times it's notthat your people may not be on
social media at all, but theycan help you flourish and grow
(49:13):
on whatever it is that you'redoing.
You know, a lot of times youjust need a supportive group.
You know what I mean.
Like you don't need, you know,you don't need a diehard friend,
you just need a supportivegroup or just somebody you can
converse with or talk to.
That's what I found because,trust me, they, they come for me
all the time.
You know what I mean and I'mlike man, yeah, get out of here,
but for the most, but I stillkeep it cordial, right, you know
(49:34):
what I mean.
Like you learn to put people inboxes and a lot of times I vibe
off energy like.
Like, if your energy not right,if I don't feel it, I ain't
fucking with you.
Like I'm the we're not evenreally having a conversation,
right, you know what I mean,because you can see through it,
especially in Atlanta, you know,a lot of times they just can't.
Well, can you help me with thisor can you do this or what?
You got going on over there andit's like damn, how are you
(49:56):
doing?
Like you know what I mean.
Like, and that's why so manypeople always say like it's
easier for them to talk to methan to talk to my husband
because I'm more peer to peer.
Like don't put me on stage andtry to ask me all these
questions.
Like, I don't want to do that.
You know what I mean.
Like I like peer to peer.
You know what I mean.
That's what to me, that's how Ibuild connections with people.
(50:19):
So I mean, in this circle, youjust got to got to find your
people and, trust me, they'llcome.
But if you don't go out,nowhere, you ain't gonna meet
nobody.
So where you be going, I'll begoing.
See, that's how you expect tomeet anybody Like your people.
Like they're here because it'sso many people here and I just
feel like if you don't go outand start social, I like I don't
see y'all at no networkingevents or nothing, not to say
(50:41):
you guys want to do that or youcare to do that.
But I'm saying if you want tomeet people or find your people,
I was going to come to y'all'syou should have.
Speaker 4 (50:48):
I swear my hair.
Look, I was getting ready toget the braids.
My hair was everywhere and Iwas like gosh.
If I had known I could have didthis Girl, you could have put
on a excuse, but y'all wassupposed to have one in may.
I saw the live, I was on thelive, no, and I didn't hear.
No, they, just they, the guys.
They were saying we may do itagain in may, okay, I didn't see
anything else on my yeah, no, Idon't know no I'm definitely
(51:11):
gonna, yeah, check it out, butwe do a bunch of random pop-up,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (51:16):
Stuff like I think you use that a couple of david
shan's birthday, like you willgo to a birthday party, yeah,
but you know that that's thething.
Just just get outside, you knowI I saw marcus legitimately
handpick his people by going tothese networking events, talking
(51:37):
to people, you know, beingstrategic about his alliances
and his groups, like I watchedhim do it.
You know what I mean.
But he had to be in theseplaces to do it, to meet these
people to see who they are, whattheir lives are like and
legitimately I've seen thembuild a brotherhood.
You know what I mean and yousee it more.
A lot of people see it onsocial media.
I don't really show a lot ofyou know social media stuff
(51:59):
cause I don't really care aboutlot of you know social media
stuff, because I don't really, Idon't care about it.
Speaker 2 (52:04):
So yeah, outside of um, outside of work, being a
wife, being a mother, all themjobs yeah most important
question for me.
All the questions are great,but what are you doing for you?
Speaker 1 (52:21):
I know he's gonna ask that question because you asked
somebody else what in terms ofwhat like?
Speaker 2 (52:26):
see, see.
Speaker 1 (52:27):
That's why no no, you got to explain like what, what
do you mean doing for me interms of what?
Speaker 2 (52:32):
because I do a lot of things, whatever whatever comes
to your spirit, because youknow, we, we all you know, wear
these different hats like youjust mentioned.
You know what?
Speaker 3 (52:42):
I'm saying yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:42):
What is something that's good for your personal
development?
How are you working on yourmental, emotional or spiritual
health and well-being, likethose things?
You know what I'm saying thatare extremely important outside
of finance, Like what is thatthing that you're doing?
Because other people that watchand see?
You know we have a culture ofpeople who are killing
(53:06):
themselves behind making adollar Right, that's a real
thing.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (53:10):
And I don't care how successful.
No, you're right, I don't careif somebody got $100 million.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
Oh, I see it yeah.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
They trying to get $500 million.
Speaker 3 (53:16):
Yeah, you know what I'm saying yeah, so like like
when is when is enough, everenough so that's why I'm asking
for you right.
Speaker 2 (53:23):
But again, I'm just saying like, and these are,
everybody has their right tomake their choices, but I just
think it's important because wedo forget about us, right,
because we're so busy going andso, like I said, there's a
couple like non-negotiables youknow what I mean.
Speaker 1 (53:37):
Like as far as like on surface stuff, like my hair,
like it's this non-negotiable,my nail, like these are things
that make me feel good, you knowwhat I mean.
On top of I just started.
So I have a thing where I usetherapy coloring books, right,
and that just puts me in a modewhere I lock myself in my office
so I could just not think aboutanything because I'm constantly
(54:00):
thinking about so much all day.
From the time I get up, whichis like seven, 20, to the time I
lay down Like I don't, there's,there's no, there's maybe like
two hours that I can just haveto myself.
But I still got to make phonecalls, handle stuff, pay people.
You know what I mean.
There's just a lot of thingsthat are going on, but for the
most part for me, I try to takea day to myself, to where I
(54:20):
don't have to do anything like,and that's usually on a weekend,
because that's all I got.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
Sure, Sure, Uh, just on the side.
No, but I'll share some ofthose coloring books with me,
Cause I try to.
I try to get you know justdifferent things Like I write, I
read, um, I love music, it'scrazy Like it's kind of a part
of everything because of thekids and everybody got to get
everywhere.
But I drive a lot, so for me I'mspending sometimes five hours
(54:49):
in the car a day, five hours ina car a day going, dropping this
one off, doing this, doing that.
So that's like for metherapeutic, where I could just
either listen to music or do.
Speaker 1 (55:01):
So because I am in a car a lot, and and legitimately,
like you said, five, six hoursa day, that's me I listen to spa
music because spa music is whathelps me think, like when the
kids want to get in car, get inthe car and start listening.
All that.
It's like no, I can't thinkwith that type of music in my
ears.
So, for me, I listen to spamusic because it puts me in a
(55:22):
relaxation mode, because Ialways feel like I'm on 10.
Like I got to get this done, Igot to get that done.
There's not a day that goes bythat I don't have that, unless
it's like on the weekend, whereI don't want to be bothered by
nobody, where I won't answer atext message, where literally
I'll just, you know, surf theinternet, where I could just do
exactly what I want to do.
(55:42):
For a lot of times that's whatI do.
For me, you know what I meanit's find something or some way
to relax and let my brain free,because I'm utilizing my brain
for everything all day.
Speaker 2 (55:54):
That's beautiful, so definitely appreciate you.
I'm glad we got your king inhere.
Speaker 4 (56:00):
I want to give her a moment to go ahead and plug
Recession Proof please.
Speaker 1 (56:04):
Oh okay, recession Proof the number one financial
literacy community in the world.
We have almost, or about, or alittle over 10,000 members.
We teach everything fromfinance, credit, business
building we have the onepercenters to where there are
high earners.
You have to be making more thantwenty five thousand or more a
(56:25):
month.
You know that's our smallergroup, but yeah, but for the
most part, you know, you've seenit, we were session proof.
Speaker 2 (56:32):
I think you did that extremely well, thank you.
He's proud, you know.
As we close out, this has beena beautiful conversation, so I
know you're here.
Yeah, y'all are here yeah so Ijust want to extend my love, man
, and just say you know howappreciative I am, appreciative
(56:53):
we are, but I know for me, youknow there's.
I'm just super thankful to seepeople that look like us doing
what they're doing.
Um, you have a unique story inthe way that you did it you know
, and that's beautiful for otherpeople to see yeah because you
know clips go up all the time.
You just see a lot of peoplejust arguing in the comments
(57:15):
about what is this and that andthe third, and it's like they
can't think outside the box.
But you both come from whereyou come from.
You came, came to Atlanta,navigated in this space.
You know successful Y'all gotkids.
You know y'all are co-parentingin a healthy way.
Yeah, you know all of thosethings.
The biggest thing, yeah, and youknow, you, you know being an
(57:36):
amazing woman.
You got your king in here,amazing guy.
Shout out to you my brother,you know what I'm saying,
because we gotta gotta giveflowers, man, when, when it's
important to just always do that.
So I try to make sure that thatis always done, you know,
whenever I can, because it isimportant.
A lot of times people don'thear that when they're doing
(57:57):
what they're doing, you know.
So thank you.
Thank you, appreciate you, kingand and and appreciate you for
being a part of thisconversation.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I know we did so so you know,absolutely, and till next time,
I'm going to work on my Mac andI'm going to get into Mr
Barney's class to see what it do, how I can grow and get my
(58:19):
financial loan, get this creditthing popping, and all of that
Newest member of the RecessionProof family.
Right here let's go.
Speaker 3 (58:28):
Here we go Till next time.
Speaker 2 (58:29):
Relationships matter, we'll holler at y'all
Relationships matter.
Speaker 3 (58:34):
I need you to understand Relationships matter.
I never wanted to be married.
I never desired marriage.
Like I said, I don't come fromthat.
I didn't see that.
I didn't see healthyrelationships.
And then the relationships Idid see growing up, I didn't
want to be a part of that and,just to be completely honest,
I've always had infidelityissues in relationships before
because I'm like I'm you knowyou say about to bounce out on
(00:24):
me or cheat on me or you knowwhat I mean.
Like that was my brain, likeyou know what I mean.
Look out for myself, always beabout myself, look out for
myself.
And when I met him, thatcompletely changed.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Relationships matter.
I need you to understandRelationships matter.
Speaker 4 (00:50):
Welcome to Relationships Matter.
I'm Chanel Scott.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
And I am Josh Powell.
Speaker 4 (00:54):
And we have an amazing guest with us here today
, ms Tori Course Barney.
Yes, welcome to RelationshipsMatter.
We're so happy to have you.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Thank you guys for having me.
Absolutely yes.
Speaker 4 (01:05):
So we're going to jump right in.
Okay, you know I've alreadybeen talking to you about your
relationship, so we're going totalk all things relationship.
But my first question to you isgoing to be why do
relationships matter to you?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Because I feel like relationships are the foundation
to everything you know, whetherit's an intimate relationship
with your partner, whether it'sa friendship, whether it's a
relationship that you have withyour family members, relatives,
things like that.
I just feel like they set thefoundation for your life and how
you operate in your daily life,or how you converse with other
(01:37):
people, or the types ofrelationships that you're able
to build with other people.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Being from from northern california.
Can you talk a little bit aboutthe differences and maybe some
cultural things or some familytraditional things that you know
how you were raised and how youview relationship?
Speaker 1 (01:56):
so crazy as it is being raised in california, from
what I see, versus living here,we had tradition.
We don't have any culture.
It doesn't exist, even fortraditional things that have
went on in past time.
Like we don't, we weren'traised like that and I always
tell people like we it's like amore liberal sense, like we just
(02:18):
do what we do, like there's nostructure, there's no ordinance,
there's no nothing when itcomes to family units or
relationships and things likethat.
Like I told you before, I don'tI don't, I don't have a lot of
married friends there or peoplewho are in healthy relationships
per se, but when coming here,it's just completely different
to be married as a culture.
There's a culture of marriedpeople here, um, people in
(02:41):
relationships, even going out to, like you know, and bars,
nightlifes to see couplestogether.
In California we don't see noneof that.
We go out with our friends.
You know what I mean.
And still today, I left therein 2016 and it's still the same.
Like you know, it's cliquishwith my friends, it's not.
Oh, we're having couples datesor couples nights and things
(03:04):
like that.
It's I'm not saying it doesn'texist there, but, from what I
was around there versus here,completely different yeah, I
think it's a southern, asouthern culture.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
Yeah, I think the goal here is to be married.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
People, they aspire to bemarried.
They look at other people.
Now you have social media andyou see relationships.
You're like you know it'snormal, it's normal it's.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
It's normalized here and it's so crazy because me and
my husband aren't from here.
So when we see it, we like,we're like, okay, well, this is
what people do here, this iswhat you're supposed to do.
We both come from marriedparents but they've had toxic,
broken relationships.
You know my dad was married tomy mom for 11 years and you know
(03:45):
they were both, you know, drugaddicts and you know, born in
the eighties and things likethat.
Even his mom like she wasmarried to her husband twice
divorced him twice both toxicrelationships.
So we don't know healthy formsof marriage or even being in a
relationship.
It was really hard work for usbecause we don't come from that.
We didn't have friends who werelike that until we got here and
(04:08):
it was just a game changer,like, ok, this is what we're
supposed to do and this is whatwe want to do.
We just didn't know how to doit, if that makes sense or if it
was right to do.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Why don't real quick?
Why don't why?
Why, why?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
don't you see, uh, as many married couples in, like
where you're from.
You know, like I told youbefore, it's pimping main out
there.
You know it's like a, a, apimping whole culture out there,
unfortunately, like or, youknow I'm gonna use this language
, I'm sorry, but you know I'mfrom California, but men feel
like it's, you know they'll sayaob, you know all on a female.
(04:52):
You know what I mean.
Like their livelihood and howthey survive is off of a female.
It's common there.
Aob yeah, the b word, yeah, soit's all on a female.
When I say pimping culture,it's just not I'm a pimp, it's
how, how they construct theirlives and how they survive.
And I only know probably twomen in my life out there who are
(05:17):
married with women and and theytake care of their women.
Other than that, women takecare of the men.
Yes, wow, and it's common, andI don't care what nobody tells
you, that's common in northerncalifornia because that's where
so you know I'm gonna get inyour business because your
husband, marcus barney, aka him500.
Speaker 4 (05:39):
Yeah, how did you guys connect with that culture
like?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Like, like I said, it was hard for us and you know,
to the core, like you know,Marcus is still a nigga, but you
know, when we kind of.
So that's how our situationkind of started off.
You know he was like well, Iwant to be in a relationship.
I just got out of arelationship.
I'm like, well, I'm not lookingfor one either, so we can just
(06:06):
have fun.
Like this is, this is just whatwe're going to do.
As I told you, we had a travelship because he was already
living here, so he would go backand forth because we're from
the same place, so his family'sthere.
So I was like, okay, well, wewould meet up in places.
Like our first date was inHouston, texas, cause we're like
, let's go to a place where henever really been before I've
been to, you know, vegas.
We drive to Vegas, it's a cheapflight.
(06:26):
All the time I was like I'vebeen to Arizona, you know
Washington.
I was like I haven't reallybeen to Texas yet.
He was like well, I ain'treally been to Texas yet either.
So we met there.
That was our first date andafter that we kind of hit it off
.
So a year later I just kind ofnoticed that I was like man,
he's just taking up a lot of mytime, like he required so much
from me, but we're not in arelationship.
(06:47):
And then I got tired ofexplaining myself, like you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Once again, the mentality that we come from like
look, look, we didn't.
You know, have you everparticipated in the pimping
culture?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Absolutely not, absolutely not.
I was raised by a man.
I was raised by a man.
I was raised by my father.
I didn't have a mother, so Iwas raised by my father, and
literally everyone that I didknow, or everyone that was a
friend of mine, didn't have afather.
So I just felt like and for alot, a lot of my growing up, I
(07:21):
felt like I did things to pleasemy father.
So I knew that that's somethingthat would disappoint him.
And, plus, I wasn't never likeI didn't come from.
I didn't come from a povertystricken household.
I just came from a povertystricken environment because my
dad didn't know any better.
You know what I mean.
But he had a good job.
You know, he made good money.
(07:42):
We just live like we did in anarea like we didn't, if that
makes sense.
So, no, never, never desired to, and they was always getting
beat up and stuff.
What happened over here?
Speaker 2 (07:56):
you didn't feel like explaining yourself, but do you
think that's because there wasprobably the assumption or what
was the explaining part that yousaid you didn't feel like
getting into?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
explaining what I was doing, why I was doing it where
I was going.
It was like we're in arelationship.
So I'm like, okay, well, ifthis is what you want, I'm open
to it.
I want to be in a relationshipbecause you're taking up a lot
of my time.
Like you know what I mean.
Like we would.
It will be all night, we'll beall night on the phone or all
(08:29):
day texting, or you know whereare you at, what you're doing,
and vice versa.
I was doing it to him too.
I can't just make it seem likeit was just him.
So we were kind of doing it toeach other and I was like man,
this feels like a relationship.
Like I feel like, yeah, youknow what I mean.
So it's like.
When that time came, when I waslike, ok, well, this is what
we're doing, he was like no, Itold you I don't want to be in a
relationship.
And I was like well, if youdon't want to be in a
(08:51):
relationship, then we can't moveon or continue forward.
So I blocked him for maybeabout five days.
Then he emailed me becausethat's the only way he can get
in touch with me.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
It was like we need to talk and then we established
a relationship from there.
So he gave in in five days.
Five days because I'm like heknew with that little five days,
men always do what they want.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
But I just feel like you know that word relationship
means that I have to give somuch of myself that I'm probably
not ready for you know what Imean.
And I don't know.
And plus, I had a child at thetime too.
So for us to be in arelationship, it's like you have
to be a part of this.
You know what I mean and I justthink realistically that's
(09:40):
something that he didn't wantand he just said he wanted to be
in a relationship so hewouldn't lose me.
Because it was.
It was shitty at first.
You know what I mean.
Like it was real rocky.
You know what I mean.
So I saw the changes, you know.
You see the red flags and stuffand I'm like, oh, you just know
, when somebody really doesn'twant it and it was like I kind
of forced it because of theposition he was putting me in
(10:00):
like right, we're in arelationship.
Like you know, you're requiringso much from me.
You know what I mean and I canonly give it to you if we're in
a relationship right, so that's.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
That's pretty much how it happened.
I was gonna say how did youmanage the distance, though,
like even with him being over,you on the east coast and you on
the west?
Like I said, we're on the phonea lot.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
you know, we talked a lot like when I because I was
in college, so like I would justgo to school, come home and
take care of my child, that's it.
But other than that, like we'reon the phone a lot texting, a
lot FaceTime, and I'm like youknow you're taking a lot of my
time, like even on weekends too,because that was the thing.
Like we had a rule we wouldn'ttalk on the weekends, that was
(10:42):
just a rule.
Like you know, we're not, we'renot together.
You know what I mean.
We're not, you know we're nottalking on the weekends.
Then he start calling me onFridays and Saturdays and I'm
like, oh my god, once again mymentality, my northern
California mentality, was like,look, if we're going to do this,
this has to be where we'regoing to be at but the video I
saw.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
Did he not have a girlfriend?
Yeah, yeah, okay, he did.
And when you got knowledge ofthat, how did you deal?
Speaker 1 (11:09):
with that.
We didn't talk anymore.
Yeah, we didn't talk anymore.
And then he was like you knowwhat, I'm not really feeling her
.
I dumped her, woo-woo, this.
But you know women, you knowwe're detectives, you know at
100%.
So I was like, well, she justuploaded this picture, you know,
of you guys.
Like I said, it was just realrocky, you know what I mean,
(11:29):
like in the beginning.
So it wasn't, you know, itwasn't anything that him or I
wanted.
That's why I said distanceworked until it didn't.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yeah, so when we get back definitely want to take a
quick left because you mentionedprior already being a mother
and just wanting to see whatthat feels like to allow
somebody in your space, in yourchild's space, because I know
that's a big deal, yeah, foranybody.
When we get back, relationshipsmatter welcome back to
(12:02):
relationships matter.
Speaker 4 (12:04):
so before we went to break, we were talking about
your whole dating experiencewith Mr Marcus Barney, who is
now in the house.
I got to put that out there.
He snuck up on us.
But I want to talk about youjust being a mom and dating.
What did?
Speaker 1 (12:18):
that look like it was scary.
My daughter has never met anyman because she had an active
family like her father and hisfamily.
They're very active in her lifeand, plus, I was raised by my
father.
I've I've never been introducedwell to one woman besides my
mother.
(12:38):
So just, first off, she's alittle girl, right.
First off, she's a little girl,right.
So I just think I can't haveanybody else that have any type
of influence around my child.
You know what I mean, becauseshe has a father.
So I would never, nobody's ever, met her.
Like, marcus is the only one whomet her, and how he met her was
(13:00):
because, as we were dating,when he would come to California
and visit I would always makesure that she was gone.
And obviously, because I don't,you know, we're just dating, I
don't know if you're going to behere, I don't want to introduce
her to you, I don't want herasking you know where's that man
?
You know what I mean, because Ijust know how uncomfortable it
would make me to explain it toher, like mommy's dating.
Then here comes, whatever thecase may be.
(13:26):
So I remember one day he saidhow come you never bring your
daughter around?
And I didn't say anything, Ijust remained quiet and he said
if you don't bring her around,our relationship is not real.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Oh, definitely put me all in my place.
So I'm like you know, I mean Isat long and hard, I even pray,
I prayed about it.
I'm like you know, I mean I satlong and hard, I even pray, I
prayed about it.
I'm like you know what, lord?
Um, I hope I'm doing the rightthing.
And I remember the first timewe he met her.
We went to go pick her up andshe just stood there quiet, like
(13:59):
you know who's this man, do youknow what I mean?
I was like karma, this isMarcus.
You know Marcus, this karma,and he's very good with kids,
very playful and things likethat.
But still, like for a long time,even when we moved here
together, like that was scaryfor me.
You know what I mean, becausethis is my daughter, like this
is, I'll live for her as well asdie for her.
(14:19):
You know what I mean.
So it was hard, it was tough,but it I just had to trust.
I had to trust God.
That's the only person who youknow, who kept me sane even when
I had to go to work and he hadto watch her.
It made me so uncomfortablestill to leave my daughter with
somebody she may see still as astranger, because she has a
father.
You know what I mean.
(14:39):
So, but we good now, it's goodnow.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
How was the dynamic between cause?
You said the dad is stillpresent.
Yeah, ok so how's that dynamicthen, with your husband and him,
her father?
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Oh, it's good, you know, because Marcus is good
with everybody or he'll make itgood.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
You know what?
Speaker 3 (15:00):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
A lot of times you don't hear the positivity of
parenting or co-parenting.
Right, we want to label it.
So that's why I just wanted toask to kind of see what that
dynamic looks like becausepeople typically get in their
feelings.
I get it but I don't agree withit because they don't want.
You know, it's like they feellike they're losing control or
(15:22):
something like that, and it'slike no, if it's really about
the child.
it's about the child and theyfeel like they're losing control
or something like that and it'slike no, if it's really about
the child.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
It's about the child.
And I feel like that's wherethings go toxic because you're,
honestly you're, you're stillattached to the person.
You know what I mean, whetheryou want to acknowledge it or
not, because if it, if youweren't, it wouldn't even matter
.
It just becomes about the child.
When I left, my child's father,that was it.
Like that was all, like we'rejust done.
(15:47):
So anybody else who came afterit's like I don't, you know, I
don't give a damn what you do.
I hope you don't give a damnwhat I do.
Like this is just what we'redoing.
But Marcus invites him out for,like father's day you know they
had a father's day trip togethermy baby's birthday.
Like he's a completely, youknow different animal because of
(16:08):
me.
But if I said no f him, we, we,you know, then Marcus would be
like okay, well, it's whateveryou say, whatever you want to do
, I'm with you, but I'm okaywith that.
I want that because I want itfor my daughter.
You know what I mean, becausewe weren't raised with that.
You know what I mean.
Or around that, or we seen thetoxic.
I'm like I can't, I don't want,or I try my best not to project
those, those instances on mychild.
(16:31):
You know what I mean and it maybe a little overbearing, you
know, for her, because I'mtrying so hard to not be that.
So it's like a push for what wedon't have or what we haven't
seen or what I feel you you knowmay be right and and they have
a okay relationship.
Like he asked to come toMarcus's birthday parties and
stuff.
So it's good and my daughtersees it and she loves it.
(16:55):
You know she loves her father.
I love the way she loves herfather.
I love the way daughters lovetheir fathers, because I was
raised by mine, so I just knowhow it is.
Um, and the way she lovesMarcus is like it's, it's.
It's no denying that we're,we're in a good space there.
That's that I can say is thatwe've always been in a good
space.
(17:15):
And plus, you know he don'tbother me.
As long as he don't bother me,I don't bother him.
I just, you know we're okay.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
Remember how we spoke , you know, prior to even
cutting the cameras on.
Like it's moments like thatwhere I have a huge level of
appreciation because I have tolive through people.
You know what I'm saying.
I have multiple children and mydynamic and all of that.
But to hear a woman say I lovehow my daughter loves her father
and that type of respect, andfor me to experience what I'm
(17:43):
experiencing on my end and it'slike man, like it, just it still
gives.
Granted, I know that thingscould change, of course, you
know I understand all of that,but it still gives a little bit
of hope.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Yeah, you know what I mean Because my overall
experience has been extremelychallenging.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Extremely challenging is the most politically correct
way that I can say that.
So for me it's refreshing.
Yeah, you know what I mean Tosee that type of dynamic and
that type of respect and you'vealready mentioned, like you know
, I don't come from that.
So my question would be totransition like where, where do
you get that foundation?
You know what I mean.
(18:21):
Like where, where, where do youand marcus feel like you know
we're gonna do healthy?
We didn't see it, but it can bedone.
Like where, where does thatcome from?
Because I'm trying to eraseanybody's excuse yeah, yeah this
is how I grew up.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
This is what it is like.
No, I always say that'sbullshit.
Anyway, excuse me yeah no, Ialways say that's bullshit
anyways, because I can't, youknow, blame my upbringing for my
actions that I have bestowed onme today.
Or you know what?
You know, I'm killing niggasbecause all I saw was murder.
You know what I mean.
Like there's no to say thatyou're reactive to that.
(18:57):
Something that happened to you15, 20 years ago or from what
you saw, you know is ridiculous.
But I feel like for us, like wetalk about the things that we
want and we try to work towardsthat, whether it works or not,
we, we try to work on that andyou know, sometimes we're not
the best at it.
We do have failing and tryingtimes.
You know what I mean.
(19:17):
We always have them.
But the one thing I can say wedo is that we keep trying, like
we haven't given up yet, like weknow, okay, we shouldn't be
doing this, or we said we weregoing to try to do this, even if
it lasts for two weeks.
You know what I mean and thenthe next week we write back at
it again.
We, like, you know what wefucked up.
You know what I mean and it'sacknowledgement and accept and
(19:38):
being accountable.
I think that's one thing thatwe try to do, because lord knows
it's hard to look at yourselfin the mirror, but hold
ourselves accountable for who weare in the relationship, the
relationships with ourselves,the relationships with our
families, our children,everything.
He corrects me on a lot ofthings, I correct him on things
and we at least try to take itin.
(20:00):
You know what I mean, for forwhat we can.
Like I said, it don't work allthe time, but the most part we
say, look, these are the twotypes of people like, even
coming in this, we said wewanted a partnership, not a
dictatorship.
Right, I never wanted to bemarried.
I I never desired marriage.
Like I said, I don't come fromthat.
I didn't see that.
I didn't see healthyrelationships.
(20:21):
And then the relationships Idid see growing up, I didn't
want to be a part of that and,just to be completely honest,
I've always had infidelityissues in relationships before.
Because I'm like I'm, you know,you know you say about to
bounce out on me or cheat on meor you know what I mean.
Like that was my brain, likeyou know what I mean look out
for myself, always be aboutmyself, look out for myself.
(20:42):
And when I met him, thatcompletely changed.
Like all of that just went away.
When I say he was my knight inshining armor, like everything,
every test I've given him he'spassed, I mean literally just
broke me down to the core.
You gotta tell me about thetest.
Speaker 4 (21:01):
So before moving to tell me about the test.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
So before moving here , this was the biggest one.
Okay, so before moving here,because he asked me to move here
because I was moving to Vegas,well, I was already staying in
Vegas and he was like, well, whydon't you come move here?
I was like, well, I don't know.
You know that's away from mydaddy, you know what I mean.
Like it's far.
(21:26):
And I was like, look, I'll giveyou two weeks to look for a
place if you don't find us aplace in two weeks, because I'm
not moving in with anybody.
So if you don't find us a placein two weeks, then I guess it
just wasn't meant to be.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
oh, that was a hard one.
You thought he was gonna fail,oh girl.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
I was hoping he fell.
I was hoping he fell.
Literally no, in a week he waslike yep, I found this place.
He looked up the location, theschool districts.
My baby was barely in preschoolat the time, she was three
years old.
He looked up the schooldistricts areas.
I worked for Kaiser at the time.
(22:01):
It was a Kaiser right acrossthe street in Duluth.
I worked for Kaiser at the time.
It was a Kaiser right acrossthe street in Duluth.
Like literally everything helooked for was to accommodate me
and my life.
His family lived clear acrossGeorgia, on the other side and
I'm like well, why wouldn't you?
You know the help is over there.
Like well, he was like no,here's right here, here's Kaiser
, here, the schools for karma.
(22:22):
Like everything waslegitimately to accommodate me.
So I couldn't say no, I didn'thave any excuse.
So, that put me to the test,like literally, like my bags was
packed up to go to Vegas.
I was that way, but I movedhere.
I remember I moved here April19th 2016.
(22:43):
And my truck got got here and Iremember I didn't unpack my
stuff for about three months.
I left my stuff in boxes justin case it didn't work out.
Wow, yeah, because I was stillscared and fearful, like I know
this man, but I don't know thisman like that, like I don't know
.
Like we've been back and forth,we visited, we did, we did
(23:05):
things, but there's no, it'sdifferent when you live with
somebody.
You know what I mean.
So even that and I was like mydaughter's here, even her family
asked her to stay.
They was like, why don't youlet her stay until you get your
stuff together?
But I'm like who leaves theirchildren?
Right, you know what I mean?
Like as tempting as that was,cause I'm like, okay, we're
(23:26):
going to a new place, a new area, with a new man.
If it don't work out, he couldbe a serial killer.
I mean he could be a womanbeater.
I mean he can be all kinds ofthings.
You know what I mean.
And then I bring my daughterinto this space and then she has
trauma forever, cause she'llnever forget it.
So I'm like you know what?
Speaker 2 (23:42):
like, literally, faith brought me here, like God
brought me here so I'm glad thatyou're speaking on that because
, for one, I hope that a lot ofpeople are as careful yeah, what
I mean and strategic in regardsto their movement, and it
shouldn't take a child to createthat type of, you know,
character in a person.
But when we get back, I do wantto talk to you about, because
(24:05):
you mentioned again growing up,seeing toxic, you know, and then
y'all are building this healthydynamic.
But even though y'all aregrowing and on your journeys,
when we get back, what are someof the things you had to check
him on?
And vice versa, when you getback, relationships matter.
Speaker 4 (24:29):
Welcome back to Relationships Matter.
So before we get into this nextsegment, I just want to say I
know that we talked early aboutyour daughter and the
expectations that you set.
You're like I don't need a manfor that.
(25:00):
I'm cool with me, and that'swhat I hear exuding from you.
I'm okay with me.
I don't need to be validatedthrough a man or I don't have to
live vicariously through arelationship if it's just me,
right, I'm cool with me, even tothe extent you said I even in
the video we talked about it onthe last segment you talked
about she has a father, right?
(25:21):
You know what I'm saying.
Like, I want to make that clearup front, that she has a father
.
I want to acknowledge that shehas a father, even though they
have a beautiful relationship.
I get I get privy to itwatching some of Marcus's videos
with her.
I get to see that and I lovetheir dynamic.
But the fact that you can stillsay, well, she has an active
father in her life and I'm nottrying to replace him.
(25:42):
I just want to pull that out onthe show for whoever is watching
, for that to be the example.
So I have to say that.
So now I wish I could be asconfident, like the confidence
that's exuding from that chair.
Yeah, I'm just in awe.
That's why I'm just sittinghere doing like this, that's why
I'm not saying anything.
(26:03):
I'm like she know who she isand we can learn a lot from that
as a woman.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (26:14):
But, josh, I want to talk about this whole idea of he
checks you on some things andyou check him on some things.
What exactly does that looklike?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
You say accountability accountability
with our people, but you holdhim accountable?
Certain lingo.
Speaker 3 (26:26):
They feel like it's like oh my.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
God, it's just an accountability piece, because
you mentioned that you both dothat with each other.
So what are?
Speaker 3 (26:35):
what are?
Speaker 2 (26:35):
some examples of what that looks like from you and
from them.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
I don't know if you would call this accountability,
but we know we both have likeoperating roles in this
relationship and in ourhousehold primarily in our
household and there'll be timeswhen you know we get in tobaccos
or disagreements and I won'tfulfill them because I've gotten
an attitude and my energy justisn't there.
(27:07):
And so we had a conversationthe day before yesterday.
He was like look, look, do yousee what you do when you get an
attitude or you becoming yourfeelings?
I won't get no breakfast.
You won't help me pack my bag,you won't help me do this.
You will help me do that likeyou know, and and he's right,
(27:33):
because I couldn't even.
There was no rebuttal.
You know what I mean.
Like no, you lying.
You know what I mean.
Like it was none of that, itwas like.
You know, you right.
So those are some of the thingsthat I try to hold myself
accountable or be aware of, likewhen we are in a disagreement
or something like that.
Like you know, turk, you knowthat you have to do this, or you
(27:54):
know this is something that youhave been doing, so continue to
do it.
You know what I mean.
Like just stuff, like that.
It's nothing, let me see.
I mean, I have to check him allthe time, so you know, men
don't never get it right.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
So you know, men don't never get it right.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
What is that?
Like you know, like Marcustravels a lot, right, and you
know, half of the time I haven'tfigured out or know where he's
going, until he said book myticket, or something like that,
and I was like, well, you didn'ttell me.
He was like, well, you justbooked my ticket.
And I was like, well, what isit?
Where are you going?
(28:37):
What are you doing?
It's just how he's used tooperating.
But it's like um continuouslyhappened to repeat myself like
talk to me about these things,so things like that.
And I feel like, especially inthe beginning, he felt like I
(28:57):
was trying to control him andit's like no, I'm not trying to
control you.
We're in a relationship.
Why wouldn't you want me toknow those things?
Like, why isn't that somethingthat we can talk about?
You know what I mean.
Like why?
Well, because you already know,or you seen it on Instagram.
I seen it on Instagram.
Yeah, I seen you as going toall three places on these three
(29:20):
dates.
Like, did you ask if I hadanything planned or were we
doing anything?
So he's gotten a lot better.
Like the checking isn't reallychecking anymore.
You know what I mean.
As we grow, of course, thingschange and things like that.
But I feel like, for the mostpart, like we know better or we
know what we do intentionally.
You know what I mean,especially if something's being
(29:41):
done on purpose, like I tellMarcus, look, you stay out past
midnight, it's an issue.
So if something's going on wehaving a tobacco he'll come at
like 12, 30 and I know it's onpurpose.
You know what I mean.
Like it's to piss me off.
Yeah, petty, him has grown up alot, but I know that that's
(30:03):
something that, like, he'llintentionally do and I'm like,
look, it's unfair, like we bothhave boundaries, we not even set
rules.
But it's respect.
You know what I mean and,respectfully, this is something
that I'm asking for and,respectively, respectively,
whatever you ask for, like Ihave to exert that.
You know what I mean.
If I don't, then it becomes aproblem.
But you're aware, because I'vecommunicated this with you, just
(30:25):
like I'm aware and you'vecommunicated certain things with
me, you know what I mean.
So those are the things.
It's always petty petty.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
So I got a.
I got an interesting question.
I was just thinking aboutlistening to you talk.
Y'all are both extremelysuccessful.
Do you find it difficult tooperate in your relationship
where you take that hat off?
You take that hat off because alot of times people right they
(30:59):
they're used to operating intheir workspace and they bring
that home right.
Is that a big issue for you all?
Yes, if so, how do y'allnavigate in that space?
Speaker 1 (31:06):
it's more of an issue for him than me.
Okay, because I'm alwaysoperating in the home.
My work I do is at home, unlessI go to the office, but other
than that, the majority of mywork is done at home.
So, regardless, I'm stilloperating in this space of
nurture, love, care.
Everything is in here.
The household doesn't runwithout me, him.
(31:28):
He comes in and it's a lot oftimes it's talking about the
business, talking about what'sgoing on, or dead silence,
because I know that he's givenso much to everybody else,
sometimes there's nothing leftfor me.
You know what I mean.
So a lot of times I give himthat space, but other times,
like you know, damn, I have tostart a fight to get your
(31:49):
attention.
You know what I mean sometimes.
You know what I mean and we'reworking on it, but it's's still
like that.
Sometimes we it's it's hard for,like I said, for him, because
that's the space that heoperates in day in and day out.
He doesn't take the time andsay you know what, from five to
10, none of that.
(32:10):
You know what I mean.
It's like this has become.
It's a part of who he is, knowwhat I mean.
So turning it off it'd have tobe forced, like this saturday we
just went to the park, likepiedmont park, and just laid
there with a blanket, no phones,no, nothing like that, just
doing things we don't get to do,and that's just kind of relaxed
(32:32):
like we don't get to do andthat's just kind of relaxed Like
we don't get that.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
How does that make you feel?
Speaker 1 (32:40):
I got, I've gotten used to it.
It used to bother me where Ifelt like he he had a, like he
was detaching from therelationship, like or what's
wrong with you, how come I'm notgetting this?
It was like I felt like I wasbeing a needy woman because I'm
constantly asking you, you know,let's talk about this or let's
talk about that and it's like,okay, well, I'm working, I'm
(33:00):
doing this, I'm doing that andclear as day, I can see it.
You know what I mean.
Like he's there, I can see it,but it's like you're operating
there, you're not operating here.
You know what I so for,especially at the beginning, it
used to bother me and it used tocause more arguments because I
didn't understand, like, whatwas going on, or what are you
doing, or where are you going,or who are all these damn people
?
You know what I mean.
(33:21):
Like, and our house had so manypeople in it.
We had a housekeeper, we had anorganizer, we had people fixing
on stuff I mean literally andit was just everything was
congested.
So my release was I just wantto talk to you, like, about
everything that's going on.
And he's like, you know, I can'thear that right now I'm doing
this and I'm doing that and Ican see it clear as day and a
(33:44):
lot of times it would make mefeel bad, even though I was
uncomfortable with it.
It would make me feel badbecause I know he was working.
I know he was working because Isaw the bank account.
So I'm like you know thisobviously comes from, you know
the labor of the work and it'slike, but I still needed
something and he's gotten a lot,a lot better.
You know, when we start datinghe was 27,.
You know he's about to be 36.
(34:05):
So he's completely went fromlike that young boy to transform
it into a grown man.
Speaker 4 (34:12):
Talk about that maturation process, though, how
did you guys set boundariesaround the relationship so that
you could have your time?
And then, because I'm one ofthem type of people that's
driven, driven, driven- like onall the time.
It could be 11 o'clock at night.
If I need to call, then I'mgoing to pick up the phone and
I'm going to call.
So how do you set boundariesaround that?
So?
Speaker 2 (34:34):
before you get into your answer.
We get back.
Speaker 4 (34:43):
Welcome back to Relationships Matter.
So before we went to break, Iwas asking you about boundaries,
and how do you guys setboundaries around the
relationship being that Marcusis so it sounds seems like he's
more task driven, like check thebox, like you know this you
know, I'm kind of like that too.
Speaker 3 (35:00):
To the point no, them boxes, yeah, them boxes, yeah,
so how?
Speaker 4 (35:04):
do you guys create that, the, the boundaries and
the balance around therelationship?
So that you guys can have yourtime and you know, and then he
can still do what he needs to doin that space you know the okay
.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
So it's something that we do do every night, right
, like?
And when he was talking to histherapist, his therapist asked
him the same question, like whatis something that you know, you
, just, you guys just do foryourself, like what's the time
to yourself?
Because obviously you guys Imean literally we're running all
day, um, and at the end of thenight maybe I put my kids to bed
(35:43):
at 8, 8, 30, so after that,like we have a hookah room you
know what I mean like you'llhave a drink and I'll have mine,
and maybe for like three hoursmajority of the nights
throughout the week.
That's, that's our time to,where we kind of get to dump
stuff off off of one another,like, but that's, that's, that's
pretty much it okay.
As far as, like the bound,there is no boundaries for
(36:05):
anything at all.
Like literally, we don't go.
Like the kids have a schedule.
You know his schedule iseverywhere.
My non-negotiables is my hair,nails and and feet and you know
my pampering.
But you know, other than that,like there is none, like we
don't, that doesn't really exist.
She said that doesn't exist.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
That don't, yeah.
So I know you mentioned likeabout being understanding
because you know you see itright.
You mentioned like about beingunderstanding because you know
you see it right.
But even and I'm just speakingon behalf of like other
conversations I've had andthings like that where a woman
(36:44):
can see like the man is workinghard, you know he's on his grind
, but then, as you mentionedthat distance, that gap, because
it's like all right, like thisis, it's like an ongoing thing,
like this is like an ongoingthing.
But what about me?
Or what about the kids?
Or you know those things thatmatter.
But how?
How are you able to really likebe OK in that space, knowing in
(37:09):
the long run, because I've beentogether for at least 10 plus
years?
It's been eight, eight yearsgoing on 10 okay, um, because I
know resentment can set in forpeople and, and you know we, we
see a lot of couples even thoughsuccessful, but the resentment
happens.
(37:29):
It could be within year 15, itcould be within year 20, you
know, know what I mean, wherethat can seep in.
And for you it's just a realquestion, because there are
women that not you, but just ingeneral there are women who are
like I'm okay with this becauseI have the lifestyle I'm good.
Like they'll find those ways tosettle you feel what I'm saying,
(37:52):
but in y'all's situation, likey'all really love each other,
yeah, but then you have thesedifferent dynamics going on.
So I just wanted to to ask,like if I feel like it goes too
far, I'll force myself in thesituation.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Okay, you know what I mean.
Like I'll force them, I'llforcefully put myself there.
Or I'll forcefully put me andthe kids there and say, hey, we
come in too.
You know what I mean.
Like you go in here for thatlong, ok, well, we'll come on
this day, or when the kids getout of school, or something like
that.
I don't, I don't let it go toofar to where we feel completely
detached, like damn, we ain'tseen you when you been, or
anything like that.
(38:28):
Like if it never goes too far,because, like I said, if I feel
uncomfortable with something orI just feel like, nah, I
forcefully put myself in asituation.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
Do you think he would ever notice?
Speaker 1 (38:42):
on his own, or would he be too locked in?
I don't think it's anythingthat he would notice.
I don't think that he wouldthink that far into it, like, oh
OK, we'll just come.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
You know what I mean, because I'm speaking like as
I'm, as I'm talking again, it'sin and I understand the
intentions are always pure.
You know, I know for me, likein my situation, as much as I
worked and different things thatI did again, not y'all's with
mine, when, when things wasn'tgoing right.
You know a part of for one.
(39:12):
The narrative that the kidsheard was well, I'm here doing
all of this for y'all.
I got y'all, even though therewas the understanding
quote-unquote that daddy wasworking.
But then I was villainized formy efforts.
But we had to sit in front ofthat person yeah, he makes
decisions, yeah so that that'swhat my question, because I'm
(39:33):
just curious, like justnaturally curious, how, how you
all are balancing that, becauseit is important and a lot of
times we do get stuck in ourroles in such a way that if we
don't find that time you know toto get that balance and to be
able to come back, then you knowit can in other situations.
I know for me it just itcreates that distance which
(39:55):
turns into to something else.
That's why I just wanted to askhow are?
Y'all navigating that?
Speaker 1 (40:00):
you know, I just think for us, when I do think
about things like that, it'slike we really want to be in
this relationship.
So, regardless of of what we'regoing through or how we're
going through it, like, if youreally want to be in this
relationship, you, you'll salveit out.
You know what I mean.
Like you'll, you'll figure itout.
And I just feel like, forpeople who don't want to, for
people who chose to step outsideof their relationship marriage
(40:23):
or distance or whatever well,what did you do to conform that?
Because obviously you werefeeling exactly what I felt and
you let it happen, like I let ithappen.
You know what I mean.
That's why I said a lot oftimes, I'll forcefully put
myself, you know there, like nonigga, you going too long.
You know what I mean.
Like we'll come, or I'll come,or you know what I mean, or
something like that.
But other than that, I feel likethe only reason, a lot of the
(40:45):
reason why this works, isbecause we want it to work.
That's it.
We're not perfect at all.
Like I'm heavily flawed.
So is he.
You know what I mean.
But at the end of the day, likewe, I want to be married to him
.
I want to be in thisrelationship.
I don't see anybody else buthim, and it's been like that
(41:05):
since I moved here, like it'sbeen nothing or nobody but him.
Because I want it and becausehe wants it, because I want it
and because he wants it and hemakes me feel wanted, like he
makes me feel like this is whatwe're doing together.
It's never him versus me, it'sthis is what we're doing
together in this marriage.
Speaker 4 (41:26):
So yeah, so you said something when you moved to
Atlanta.
I want to talk about that, talkabout, I want to talk about the
adjustment, because you onlyknew him, you only knew.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Marcus Well, no, okay , so I had a couple of friends
out here, Okay, so I had onefriend who I'm no longer friends
with, and then I've I had myother friend, calvin.
So when I first got here, thesewere the friends that I was
hanging with, and Marcus here.
These were the friends that Iwas hanging with and Marcus is
like no, you can't hang withthem, right, and I'm like what,
(41:57):
what you talking about?
He was like look, we have tobuild our foundation here.
So if you start showing yourdaughter to other outside people
, she'll get used to that.
She won't know me like we haveto get to know us and that was
so hard for me, wow, because I'mlike you got me fucked up, like
like I ain't come here to becontrolled and for a long time I
(42:20):
held, I held a littleresentment against him, like
you're trying to control me, soI would.
I would do things, you know, tokind of puff my chest out like
you're not controlling me, whenhe wasn't wrong, like he was not
like what was the examples ofsome of those things like
puffing your chest up oh, Iwould go anyways, like you know
what I mean, or I would go hang,you know, I would go hang with
(42:40):
them anyways.
And he was like well, you, you,you kind of know what I said and
I don't think, but was hehanging?
Speaker 4 (42:47):
with other people, though no, not really so he was.
He was there much of the time,pretty much okay, when I I first
moved here, when you firstmoved here, yeah 2016 when I
first moved here.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
So I'm not saying I was hanging with them all the
time or every day.
You know what I mean.
He was like look, don't startintroducing her to other people
just yet, because she has to getto know me.
His main concern was her, ourfoundation and this household.
My brain wasn't there yet, likehe was far beyond when.
When we moved here, he was farbeyond the scope of where my
(43:15):
brain was.
As far as you know, solidarity,the foundation and the family
and and things like that.
Speaker 4 (43:21):
I wasn't, I wasn't thinking like that and the fact
that he wanted to put thatamount of time into developing
the foundation.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
Most men don't, don't right, so I probably thought he
was full of shit at the time.
You know what I mean.
Like what you talking about.
Like I can't go hang with myfriend.
Like I said, I come fromnorthern.
Like this is what we do.
Like what are you talking about?
You know what I mean.
But for him you know he's beenhere years prior, so he's seen
things, he's done things and I'mlike I don't.
(43:49):
I don't know what that is orwhat you're talking about.
So I'm, you know I'll see youlater.
You know what I mean.
But I'm taking my daughterbecause she's playing with my
friend's son and you know thingslike that and you know.
But I eventually I got it.
Like I understood exactly whathe was saying.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
That's good.
So there has to come a level oftrust Right.
We understand that some peopledo do things in a way that's
controlling manipulative and allof those things, so we're going
to take that box.
We're going to put it to theside.
What were his actions that madeyou feel safe and confident
(44:26):
enough in order to really fullybuy in?
Because, listening to yourstory, obviously I got a million
of them.
I got into a relationship and Iremember that said person
expressed to me hey, you need tocut all female relationships in
(44:49):
your life, all right for myhousehold.
Cool, no problem.
That's what's gonna make youfeel right right but on the flip
side, the brothers, out the yinyang, the we grew up together
out the yin yang just wouldn'tlet it go, and when I hear you,
(45:10):
you know what I'm saying.
Like, what was that thing foryou?
You mentioned one examplebecause you said, well, well, he
told me that, but he was alsobeing an example for that.
Speaker 3 (45:18):
Right.
Speaker 1 (45:18):
You know what I'm saying so you know it was never
what he said, it was what he did.
Right, it was never.
You know it wasn't.
You know he macked on me for alittle bit before I got here,
but once I got here it was likestraight and narrow.
You know what I mean.
It's what he did.
It's the actions that he tookwith my daughter.
You know the play dates that hehad with her by himself, the
(45:42):
things that I felt like he puther before he put me.
You know what I mean.
Like the things that he didwith her, the things that he did
for me.
This man had nothing and gave meeverything and when I say
everything I mean everything towhere I wasn't this woman I am
before I came here.
(46:02):
Like he helped turn me intothis woman.
When they talk about submissionand being soft and things like
that, it's like I had none ofthat before I met this man.
But it was so easy to conforminto this because of who he was
like literally, when I say itwas just us like, it was just us
(46:23):
like I've literally hand andfoot, like and we got in
arguments, we got in fights Imean regular couple stuff but
like legitimately, it waseverything that he did that he
did to even put me in positionto make me be how do I say this
(46:44):
Just financially dependent onhim to quit my job.
You know what I mean.
Like I've always had a job, I'ma college graduate.
I've always had a job, I'm acollege graduate.
You know what I mean.
But just to relinquish, youknow, some of that to him like
it was everything he did, it wasnothing he said to make me, to
make me feel like it was OK.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
That's beautiful.
So when we get back more withMarcus's Mac and Welcome back to
Relationships Matter.
Speaker 4 (47:20):
All right, so we got the foundation laid right.
You guys have, I guess.
Well, first of all, before I gothere, when you got here to
Atlanta, how long was it beforeyou engaged and got married?
A?
Speaker 1 (47:37):
year, so we got engaged July 5th 2017.
Speaker 3 (47:43):
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (47:44):
But I was pregnant.
I think he asked to marry mebecause I was pregnant, Gosh.
Speaker 4 (47:49):
I wish I could write him over here.
Speaker 1 (47:52):
She was due December.
Speaker 4 (47:57):
Oh, my goodness, but I think you would be able to see
through that if that were thecase.
Oh, of course.
Speaker 1 (48:01):
Absolutely, because, like I said, I wasn't a person
who ever cared to be married.
I never felt like marriage wasfor me in anything.
I felt like it was more success, Like when I graduated from
college okay, I'm going to stayhere for a year, I'm going to go
buy a house, like I've alwaysjust saw me.
It was never having a partnerthe white picket fence, you know
, cleaning and cooking and thatjust, you know, that didn't,
(48:24):
that wasn't my forte.
So you know, when he asked ifit wasn't genuine or if I didn't
feel like this is somethingthat he really wanted it, I know
him it wouldn't happen.
He just wouldn't ask.
Right, he's not a person thatcan be forced into anything.
Right?
So, yeah, ok.
So now you have this foundation, right?
So, yeah, okay.
So it wouldn't happen.
Speaker 4 (48:41):
So now y'all have this foundation right.
How did you ease into the wholeAtlanta culture, Like with the
women, yeah?
Because she's struggling withit.
I'm struggling with it.
I even talked to Marcus aboutit.
Speaker 1 (48:52):
Don't come up from my seat enough.
No, listen, it's.
You know, you just have to.
What I found is you just haveto find your people like.
And I think that a lot ofpeople get so fixated on the
who's who on social media andthey want to be attached to that
and a lot of times it's notthat your people may not be on
social media at all, but theycan help you flourish and grow
(49:13):
on whatever it is that you'redoing.
You know, a lot of times youjust need a supportive group.
You know what I mean.
Like you don't need, you know,you don't need a diehard friend,
you just need a supportivegroup or just somebody you can
converse with or talk to.
That's what I found because,trust me, they, they come for me
all the time.
You know what I mean and I'mlike man, yeah, get out of here,
but for the most, but I stillkeep it cordial, right, you know
(49:34):
what I mean.
Like you learn to put people inboxes and a lot of times I vibe
off energy like.
Like, if your energy not right,if I don't feel it, I ain't
fucking with you.
Like I'm the we're not evenreally having a conversation,
right, you know what I mean,because you can see through it,
especially in Atlanta, you know,a lot of times they just can't.
Well, can you help me with thisor can you do this or what?
You got going on over there andit's like damn, how are you
(49:56):
doing?
Like you know what I mean.
Like, and that's why so manypeople always say like it's
easier for them to talk to methan to talk to my husband
because I'm more peer to peer.
Like don't put me on stage andtry to ask me all these
questions.
Like, I don't want to do that.
You know what I mean.
Like I like peer to peer.
You know what I mean.
That's what to me, that's how Ibuild connections with people.
(50:19):
So I mean, in this circle, youjust got to got to find your
people and, trust me, they'llcome.
But if you don't go out,nowhere, you ain't gonna meet
nobody.
So where you be going, I'll begoing.
See, that's how you expect tomeet anybody Like your people.
Like they're here because it'sso many people here and I just
feel like if you don't go outand start social, I like I don't
see y'all at no networkingevents or nothing, not to say
(50:41):
you guys want to do that or youcare to do that.
But I'm saying if you want tomeet people or find your people,
I was going to come to y'all'syou should have.
Speaker 4 (50:48):
I swear my hair.
Look, I was getting ready toget the braids.
My hair was everywhere and Iwas like gosh.
If I had known I could have didthis Girl, you could have put
on a excuse, but y'all wassupposed to have one in may.
I saw the live, I was on thelive, no, and I didn't hear.
No, they, just they, the guys.
They were saying we may do itagain in may, okay, I didn't see
anything else on my yeah, no, Idon't know no I'm definitely
(51:11):
gonna, yeah, check it out, butwe do a bunch of random pop-up,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (51:16):
Stuff like I think you use that a couple of david
shan's birthday, like you willgo to a birthday party, yeah,
but you know that that's thething.
Just just get outside, you knowI I saw marcus legitimately
handpick his people by going tothese networking events, talking
(51:37):
to people, you know, beingstrategic about his alliances
and his groups, like I watchedhim do it.
You know what I mean.
But he had to be in theseplaces to do it, to meet these
people to see who they are, whattheir lives are like and
legitimately I've seen thembuild a brotherhood.
You know what I mean and yousee it more.
A lot of people see it onsocial media.
I don't really show a lot ofyou know social media stuff
(51:59):
cause I don't really care aboutlot of you know social media
stuff, because I don't really, Idon't care about it.
Speaker 2 (52:04):
So yeah, outside of um, outside of work, being a
wife, being a mother, all themjobs yeah most important
question for me.
All the questions are great,but what are you doing for you?
Speaker 1 (52:21):
I know he's gonna ask that question because you asked
somebody else what in terms ofwhat like?
Speaker 2 (52:26):
see, see.
Speaker 1 (52:27):
That's why no no, you got to explain like what, what
do you mean doing for me interms of what?
Speaker 2 (52:32):
because I do a lot of things, whatever whatever comes
to your spirit, because youknow, we, we all you know, wear
these different hats like youjust mentioned.
You know what?
Speaker 3 (52:42):
I'm saying yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:42):
What is something that's good for your personal
development?
How are you working on yourmental, emotional or spiritual
health and well-being, likethose things?
You know what I'm saying thatare extremely important outside
of finance, Like what is thatthing that you're doing?
Because other people that watchand see?
You know we have a culture ofpeople who are killing
(53:06):
themselves behind making adollar Right, that's a real
thing.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (53:10):
And I don't care how successful.
No, you're right, I don't careif somebody got $100 million.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
Oh, I see it yeah.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
They trying to get $500 million.
Speaker 3 (53:16):
Yeah, you know what I'm saying yeah, so like like
when is when is enough, everenough so that's why I'm asking
for you right.
Speaker 2 (53:23):
But again, I'm just saying like, and these are,
everybody has their right tomake their choices, but I just
think it's important because wedo forget about us, right,
because we're so busy going andso, like I said, there's a
couple like non-negotiables youknow what I mean.
Speaker 1 (53:37):
Like as far as like on surface stuff, like my hair,
like it's this non-negotiable,my nail, like these are things
that make me feel good, you knowwhat I mean.
On top of I just started.
So I have a thing where I usetherapy coloring books, right,
and that just puts me in a modewhere I lock myself in my office
so I could just not think aboutanything because I'm constantly
(54:00):
thinking about so much all day.
From the time I get up, whichis like seven, 20, to the time I
lay down Like I don't, there's,there's no, there's maybe like
two hours that I can just haveto myself.
But I still got to make phonecalls, handle stuff, pay people.
You know what I mean.
There's just a lot of thingsthat are going on, but for the
most part for me, I try to takea day to myself, to where I
(54:20):
don't have to do anything like,and that's usually on a weekend,
because that's all I got.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
Sure, Sure, Uh, just on the side.
No, but I'll share some ofthose coloring books with me,
Cause I try to.
I try to get you know justdifferent things Like I write, I
read, um, I love music, it'scrazy Like it's kind of a part
of everything because of thekids and everybody got to get
everywhere.
But I drive a lot, so for me I'mspending sometimes five hours
(54:49):
in the car a day, five hours ina car a day going, dropping this
one off, doing this, doing that.
So that's like for metherapeutic, where I could just
either listen to music or do.
Speaker 1 (55:01):
So because I am in a car a lot, and and legitimately,
like you said, five, six hoursa day, that's me I listen to spa
music because spa music is whathelps me think, like when the
kids want to get in car, get inthe car and start listening.
All that.
It's like no, I can't thinkwith that type of music in my
ears.
So, for me, I listen to spamusic because it puts me in a
(55:22):
relaxation mode, because Ialways feel like I'm on 10.
Like I got to get this done, Igot to get that done.
There's not a day that goes bythat I don't have that, unless
it's like on the weekend, whereI don't want to be bothered by
nobody, where I won't answer atext message, where literally
I'll just, you know, surf theinternet, where I could just do
exactly what I want to do.
(55:42):
For a lot of times that's whatI do.
For me, you know what I meanit's find something or some way
to relax and let my brain free,because I'm utilizing my brain
for everything all day.
Speaker 2 (55:54):
That's beautiful, so definitely appreciate you.
I'm glad we got your king inhere.
Speaker 4 (56:00):
I want to give her a moment to go ahead and plug
Recession Proof please.
Speaker 1 (56:04):
Oh okay, recession Proof the number one financial
literacy community in the world.
We have almost, or about, or alittle over 10,000 members.
We teach everything fromfinance, credit, business
building we have the onepercenters to where there are
high earners.
You have to be making more thantwenty five thousand or more a
(56:25):
month.
You know that's our smallergroup, but yeah, but for the
most part, you know, you've seenit, we were session proof.
Speaker 2 (56:32):
I think you did that extremely well, thank you.
He's proud, you know.
As we close out, this has beena beautiful conversation, so I
know you're here.
Yeah, y'all are here yeah so Ijust want to extend my love, man
, and just say you know howappreciative I am, appreciative
(56:53):
we are, but I know for me, youknow there's.
I'm just super thankful to seepeople that look like us doing
what they're doing.
Um, you have a unique story inthe way that you did it you know
, and that's beautiful for otherpeople to see yeah because you
know clips go up all the time.
You just see a lot of peoplejust arguing in the comments
(57:15):
about what is this and that andthe third, and it's like they
can't think outside the box.
But you both come from whereyou come from.
You came, came to Atlanta,navigated in this space.
You know successful Y'all gotkids.
You know y'all are co-parentingin a healthy way.
Yeah, you know all of thosethings.
The biggest thing, yeah, and youknow, you, you know being an
(57:36):
amazing woman.
You got your king in here,amazing guy.
Shout out to you my brother,you know what I'm saying,
because we gotta gotta giveflowers, man, when, when it's
important to just always do that.
So I try to make sure that thatis always done, you know,
whenever I can, because it isimportant.
A lot of times people don'thear that when they're doing
(57:57):
what they're doing, you know.
So thank you.
Thank you, appreciate you, kingand and and appreciate you for
being a part of thisconversation.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I know we did so so you know,absolutely, and till next time,
I'm going to work on my Mac andI'm going to get into Mr
Barney's class to see what it do, how I can grow and get my
(58:19):
financial loan, get this creditthing popping, and all of that
Newest member of the RecessionProof family.
Right here let's go.
Speaker 3 (58:28):
Here we go Till next time.
Speaker 2 (58:29):
Relationships matter, we'll holler at y'all
Relationships matter.
Speaker 3 (58:34):
I need you to understand Relationships matter.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.