Be Kind to Yourself

There’s enough criticism in the world without targeting yourself. Jess Glynne’s 2015 song, “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself” expresses this nicely.

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Episode Transcript

(00:09):
Hi, this is Rob Sepich, and welcome to Relaxing with Rob.
Are you your own worst critic?
Do you feel like if you're harshenough with yourself, you'll
beat others to the punch andprotect yourself from their
criticism?
That was me, for a long time.

(00:29):
In episode 9,"A Cure forPerfectionism," I gave credit to
DeMoyne Bekker, a brilliantpsychologist who would prescribe
mistakes for perfectionists.
Today, I'd like to credit himonce more with a self-care
concept that he taught me andapparently used on lots of his
clients.
His insights helped me realizethat I was unique--just like

(00:53):
everybody else.
He didn't claim this asoriginal, but he's the person
with whom I associate it.
And it influenced my subsequentwork with students.
So now, I'd like to share itwith you.
It's simply to be kind toyourself.
Or you can think of it aspracticing self-compassion, or

(01:13):
self-forgiveness.
A song I like that addressesthis comes from the British
singer and songwriter JessGlynne, called quite
descriptively,"Don't Be So HardOn Yourself." You might enjoy
it, so I'll cite it in the shownotes.
I think that lots of ourself-criticism unfortunately

(01:34):
began with our parents andteachers and coaches.
Well intended people, for themost part, but maybe unaware of
the long-term impact that someharsh words might have on us.
John-Paul Sartre wrote,"Wordsare loaded pistols," and I
agree.
If you routinely heard thingslike,"bad girl" or"bad boy" or

(02:00):
"simply not good enough" duringyour early years, it'd be
unusual if you did notinternalize these messages that
seem to connect your worth as aperson to your behavior.
And when it gets to the pointthat your parents or teachers or
coaches aren't around, you carrythem with you, for better and

(02:23):
for worse.
And you might still be hearingthose criticisms in totally
different situations.
But the voice might weirdlysound like it's yours, because
it is! Well, circumstances havechanged, and you have changed.
And just because you heard thosemessages then, doesn't mean they

(02:43):
were true.
And it certainly doesn't meanthey're true now.
In fact, they're only accuratenow if you believe them.
If you do nothing else, youmight try thinking to yourself,
"That was then; this is now." Ormy favorite two word truth:

(03:05):
"Things change." Either of thosemight help you acknowledge the
past without defining yourselfby it.
But if you'd like to use alittle imagery to address
patterns of self criticism, I'lltell you what I've had success
with.
One of the easiest ways I dothis is to imagine a close
friend with whatever problemI've got, talking with me.

(03:29):
And since I figure that most ofus are doing the best we can
with the information we havenow, my imagined responses to my
friend are usually accepting andunderstanding.
Well, I've learned to justdirect these responses inward.
It reduces stress, and helpsguide my next action.

(03:52):
I then try to focus on what Ican learn from the process.
The alternative, and I wasreally good at this, was to hold
myself to impossibly highstandards, expecting to know
things I couldn't possibly knowand steer clear of any obstacles
in my path.
In other words, to be pain-free,to not have to struggle.

(04:15):
Hmm.
That's not how life works.
So I'm not sure how I wassupposed to pull that off.
And it probably explains why Iwould fail.
Can you relate?
I think those of us who can seemto see ourselves in absolute
terms, but we see others incontext, allowing situational

(04:36):
factors to have an influence.
You know, we'd like to believethat we are immune from context,
but research shows how heavilyand often subconsciously we're
influenced by it.
And we touched on this a littlebit before, so I won't repeat
myself, but just know thatgenetic and environmental

(04:58):
factors just beneath our levelof consciousness play an
enormous role in our behaviors.
So we're up against a lot.
Let me briefly distinguish thisfrom absolving yourself from any
responsibility.
That's a totally differentsituation and I'm sure you know
the difference.
Maybe you know somebody likethis where they're never to

(05:20):
blame.
Like,"I know I missed thedeadline, but how was I supposed
to know they were serious aboutit?" Or another example, this is
from a cartoon of a couple in acar and the driver is angrily
saying to the passengersomething like,"My behavior
isn't aberrant.
Everybody else's behavior isaberrant!" Okay.

(05:43):
If you'd like to experiment withbeing more gentle with yourself,
choose something you'restruggling with in which you
find yourself thinking thingslike,"I should" or"I ought to"
or"Why did I," and now pictureyour most trusted friend sharing
the same struggle with you.

(06:05):
If you'd likely reassure themwith something like,"Sounds like
you're doing the best you can,"or"I'm not sure how you could
have known that back then," or"What can you learn from this?"
Then you can try directing theseresponses inward.

(06:26):
And if you do this, the odds areyou'll be able to lighten up, or
breathe a little easier, orsleep a bit more soundly.
In other words, be kindyourself.
You're worth it.
Well, dear listener, thisconcludes my final episode for

(06:47):
the season, and probably for thepodcast itself.
I won't say"never again" becauseif new ideas arise, I might
start another season, maybe withless frequent--perhaps monthly
episodes.
But here's why I plan to stepback now.
A year ago, I told my family andfriends that my goal was to

(07:09):
record an episode each week forabout a year, thinking that
would summarize what I taught inmy stress management course.
And during this time I published50 episodes and 5 bonus
exercises, and coveredeverything relevant from that
class.
Going forward, I don't know whatelse I have to say and I don't

(07:31):
want to repeat myself.
Let me reiterate.
I don't want to repeat myself.
(Sorry, I couldn't resist) I doplan to keep this site open so
you can listen again on whateverplatform you prefer to any
titles that helped because youmight hear something new that
relates to your currentcircumstances.

(07:53):
And if you'd like to contact medirectly, you can write to
"[e-mail]."This project has been a blast.
My favorite part has been havinga platform to credit students
with what I've learned fromthem, inside and outside the

(08:15):
classroom.
I am so grateful.
I'd also like to share myheartfelt thanks to my friends
who offered critiques andencouragement to me on early
drafts.
I could not have launched thisendeavor without you.
So rather than name you here,please know that if you listened

(08:35):
to an early edition or twobefore we went live, I remember
you and what you told me.
In fact, I imagined you acrossfrom me as I was recording.
And feeling like we were justhaving a conversation in a
coffee shop helped me create theatmosphere that my daughter had
first suggested.
As if you and I are justtalking, right now.

(08:58):
So I mean this from the bottomof my heart: Thank you for
listening.
And whether online or in person,I hope we will talk again
someday.
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