Distinguish Problems from Inconveniences

You might be less anxious if you recalibrate your stress meter and consider some problems as simply “inconveniences.”  

Here’s a non-affiliate link to Robert Fulghum’s book that inspired today’s topic. I also encourage you to support local booksellers and borrow from your public library.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
[music] Hi, this is Rob Sepich, and welcome to Relaxing
with Rob.
In March of 2020, a tweet thatwas featured on Need2Know went

(00:21):
like this:"somethin kinda neat ifound out.
.
.
if you ignore a problem for longenough, it either goes away or
ruins your life.
so 50/50.
pretty good odds." Wellpersonally, denial is one of my
best defense mechanisms, so I'vehad experience with ignoring

(00:45):
problems--sometimes to my peril.
But I've gotten better atnavigating a sort of middle

away (00:51):
facing problems but not losing much sleep over them, and
specifically distinguishingproblems from inconveniences.
I learned this a long time agofrom a book by a Unitarian
minister and author RobertFulghum.
He wrote the bestseller,"All IReally Need to Know I learned in

(01:12):
Kindergarten." But his book thatcontains the essay about today's

topic is called,"Uh-Oh (01:16):
Some Observations From Both Sides of
the Refrigerator Door." For yourconvenience, I'll place a
non-affiliate link to it in theshow notes.
So if you buy a copy, I don'treceive anything.
But before I share the backstory, let me ask: do you feel
that most of your struggles inlife are problems or huge deals?

(01:40):
Now, I bet some of them are.
But today I'd like to see if youcan re-characterize most of them
as"inconveniences." You mightuse another noun, but you get
the idea.
This is not ignoring them andplaying your 50/50 odds.
It's still facing them, butkeeping them in their proper

(02:03):
place.
And the result, I hope, will beyou feeling more able to do
something about them.
In an earlier episode, Imentioned that when I had
prostate cancer, the emailfolder I created for research on
the topic was called,"A Bump inthe Road." And I did that to

(02:24):
think of my diagnosis in lesssevere terms, and it helped me
keep a fairly positive outlook.
When I later had a malignantmelanoma, I did the same with
research, naming that folder,"ABump in the Arm." And when I was
going through physical therapyfor nerve damage where I
progressed from a wheelchair andwalker to crutches and a cane, I

(02:47):
titled that folder,"Learning toWalk." Because I didn't want to
constantly see in my own words,"Cancer" or"Nerve Damage." I
knew I couldn't control thetitles of articles or the
diagnoses I received, but Icould control how I made sense
of them.

(03:07):
Okay, back to Robert Fulghum.
When he was 22 and had justfinished college, he got a job
at a California resort.
And he made friends with SigmundWollman, an older employee.
And one day as Fulghum wascomplaining to his friend about
his many problems, like thelousy food he thought was being
served to staff and how the costof these meals was unfairly

(03:31):
deducted from their wages.
Mr.
Wollman, who had incidentallysurvived three years in
Auschwitz, responded withsomething like,"You don't seem
to know the difference betweenan inconvenience and a problem."
His friend continued,"If youbreak your neck, if you have

(03:53):
nothing to eat, if your house ison fire--then you've got a
problem.
Everything else is aninconvenience." Fulghum writes
that,"Seldom in my life have Ibeen hit between the eyes with
truth so hard." And since thatday, he thinks of this

(04:15):
distinction as the"Wollman Testof Reality." Personally, his
lesson really affected my workwith students as well as my
parenting style.
Well, about ten years later, Imet the author and told him how
much that story had helped me.
And he asked,"Would you like tohave an update?" Sure! He told

(04:38):
me that after that book waspublished, the widow of his wise
friend contacted him and saidsomething like,"That was my
husband in your book! He wouldhave been so happy to know that
his talk helped you, and thatyou were able to pass it on to
others." So by extension, nowI'm very happy to share it with
you.

(05:00):
Here's one of the ways I appliedthis lesson.
When our daughter was inelementary school and was really
hungry, we would gently correcther when she'd say something
like,"I'm starving; what's fordinner?" And we tried not to
induce guilt trips, but we'd saysomething like,"You know,
unfortunately, there are peoplewho are starving, but you're not

(05:23):
one of them.
You're just hungry, and we'lltake care of it." Because I
think when we say things like,"I'm starving," this not only
diminishes the experience ofthose who really are, but it
also creates and maintains astate of crisis when we're not
actually in one.

(05:45):
And all types of thingshappen--from inflammatory
responses in our white bloodcells acting as if they're
responding to a bacterialinfection, up throughout our
body where there's muscletension everywhere.
In other words, afight-or-flight response becomes
the new normal.
And as I've said before, we'renot equipped to handle that

(06:08):
level of stress for very long.

So my recommendation is (06:11):
save some room in your life for real,
actual problems whenever youcan.
You might think of this asrecalibrating your stress meter.
And then when problems arise,you'll still have some energy to
face them.
And when you can use the"WollmanTest of Reality" to downgrade a

(06:35):
problem to an inconvenience,you'll focus more easily on
solutions, when action is calledfor.
And finally, when action isn'timmediately called for, who
knows?
Ignoring it might hold prettygood odds after all! Thank you
for listening, and we'll talkagain soon.

(06:58):
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