Rationalize for Happiness

Research on happiness from social psychologist Daniel Gilbert can help us in surprising ways.

Here’s a non-affiliate link to Gilbert's book on happiness. I also encourage you to support your local booksellers and borrow from your library.

And here’s a link to one of Gilbert's TED Talks.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
[ music].
Hi, this is Rob Sepich, andwelcome to Relaxing with Rob.
I don't know how you feel aboutphilosophy, but I've studied the
great thinkers throughouthistory.

(00:21):
You know, as Steve Martin oncesaid, people like Socrates,
Plato.
I'll even add Descartes[allintentionally mispronounced] to
the group.
But seriously, I appreciate whatphilosophers have written about
meaning and happiness andpurpose.
But what I really like isresearch on how the mind works.

(00:43):
And I've always tried to applythat research to help others.
Like how we always look forpatterns, and how we fool
ourselves into thinking we'reseeing them even when they don't
exist.
For example, we think that astring of bad luck has got to be
followed by good luck.
If you're tossing a coin, evenafter four heads in a row, the

(01:05):
odds of a tails on the fifthtoss are still 50-50, because
each toss itself is anindependent event.
Well, our confidence that thenext one has got to be a tails
is one way the gambling industryturns such a nice profit.
In fact, the belief is so commonthat it has a name:"the

(01:26):
gambler's fallacy." Today I'dlike to talk about research on
how decision-making relates toyour happiness.
And my goal for you is to comeaway with less anxiety about big
decisions that you're facing,because in a sense you won't
have to do anything about them.
You'll only need to understand abit more about how your mind

(01:50):
works.
We talked about happiness inepisode 23,"Increase your
Happiness," and a little bitabout decision making in episode
26,"Make Choices WithoutAgonizing." Now, I'd like to
offer thoughts on what I thinkof as a combination of the two.

(02:11):
Daniel Gilbert, a renownedsocial psychologist at Harvard,
published a best seller in 2006called"Stumbling on Happiness."
It's been translated into morethan 30 languages.
And he summarized his researchand that of others around the
world in a highly constructiveway.

(02:31):
And what he found applies tomost people, not to everybody.
But I hope that two of hisfindings will help you.
For your convenience, I'mplacing a link to his book in
the show notes.
And this is a non-affiliatelink, so if you purchase
something, I don't receiveanything.
And I'll also post a link to oneof his TED Talks.

(02:52):
Okay, here's one of hisfindings.
We are really bad at predictinghow much we're going to change
in the future.
We just consistentlyunderestimate it.
From 18-year-olds predicting howthey'll be when they're 28, to
58-year-olds predicting howthey're going to be when they're

(03:12):
68.
And we're also really poor atpredicting what will make us
happy or sad.
We think that winning thelottery would create permanent
bliss, and it simply does not.
And after the initial rush ofhappiness, we return to
baseline, and usually fall belowit.

(03:34):
And we think that an unexpectedtragedy, a loss of a loved one
or an accident that might resultin permanent disability, will
crush our happiness, and we'llstay that way.
And although it hurts a lot,it's temporary.
We are remarkably resilient, sowe typically don't stay that

(03:57):
way.
In fact, research shows thatresilience is actually the most
common outcome for peoplefollowing trauma or loss.
Pretty soon after, about 50% ofpeople bounce back and within
two years, about 75% of peoplehave recovered.
So if you're obsessing aboutfuture inevitable losses, you

(04:21):
know like the death of closefamily members, and you're open
to scientific evidence, then thegood news is that the pain you
will experience will pass.
And the loss you'll feel will bereal, of course, and it might
not ever fully go away, but itwill change.
And you will bounce back withmore strength than you might

(04:45):
imagine.
When Sylvia Boorstein got thenews of her father's terminal
illness, she said it felt like asledgehammer, but not to a brick
wall where she'd crumble andnever really get put back
together in the same condition.
But she said it felt like it wasmore to a mattress, where she
was still feeling crushed, butshe also felt like she would be

(05:08):
able to come back to life.
Gilbert's research confirms thisprocess.
So my suggestion is try not tosweat it or to grieve before
it's necessary.
Save your energy for when you'llneed it and recognize that you
really are so much stronger andresilient than you think you

(05:32):
are.
And here's a second finding fromhis research.
We love to rationalize and wemight not even be aware when
we're doing it.
It's like we're hardwired forthis.
It might be because we justdon't want to go around
constantly saying,"Well, I madeanother stupid decision." That

(05:52):
just creates too muchpsychological pain.
We'd rather convince ourselvesthat we're making good
decisions, and we seem to ignoreevidence to the contrary.
For example, here's an amalgamof things I've heard from
friends and former students andclients throughout my career.

It goes something like this: "It's a good thing I dropped (06:11):
undefined
that class because it gave me achance to take this other one
that I loved.
And then I majored in thatsubject.
And then I got into this greatgraduate program.
I met my partner; we moved to myfavorite city where we developed
a terrific circle of friends.

(06:33):
None of this would have happenedif I would've stayed in that
class." And if it's not the"dropped class" as the catalyst,
it's the loss of a job, or anaccident, or a diagnosis, all of
which seemed to prompt a cascadeof benefits.

(06:53):
So if you're stuck over adecision about what you should
do, what to major in, or who tohave as a roommate next year,
where you might want to dograduate work, or what job offer
to accept, at some level(and Iknow this might sound strange)
the answer is:"It does notmatter." Because whatever you

(07:17):
decide, it will be the correctdecision.
In just a few years, you'regoing to look back on this
moment and say,"I made the rightcall because I ended up here."
Maybe it wasn't a straight lineand you took some detours and
learned some things along theway, but you'll probably say,"I

(07:37):
like it here.
In fact, I wonder why I evenconsidered the alternative." Now
I understand that this researchdoes not apply in all
situations.
We all make poor decisions fromtime to time and have regrets.
But typically we seem to findways to justify our behavior

(07:58):
because it's less painful thanthe alternative.
So my personal takeaway from hisresearch on rationalizations is
to channel Bill Murray from hismovie"Meatballs" with the chant.
"It just doesn't matter, It justdoesn't matter," because
whatever you choose will be thebest one.

(08:23):
Thank you for listening, andwe'll talk again soon.
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