Simplify

Simplifying our lives can reduce our stress.

Here are three suggestions:

1. Donate stuff.
2. Let go of draining relationships.
3. Act as if you already have more than enough.

This is a non-affiliate link to Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s book, Gift from the Sea.

And here’s a longer passage (pages 17-18) from the 50th anniversary edition:

“I want first of all . . . to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact—to borrow from the language of the saints—to live "in grace" as much of the time as possible. I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense. By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony. I am seeking perhaps what Socrates asked for in the prayer from the Phaedrus when he said, "May the outward and inward man be at one." I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God.”

—Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
[ music] Hi, this is Rob Sepich, and welcome to Relaxing
with Rob.
How much stuff do you have?
Are your relationshipsenergizing or draining?

(00:23):
And is life's complexitystressing you out?
Well, today I'd like to sharethe wisdom of one woman's
perspective on relationships,solitude, and simplification.
She lived long before the daysof self-improvement podcasts.
And each semester, I'd ask mystudents to read a chapter of

(00:44):
Anne Morrow Lindbergh's classic,"Gift from the Sea," and we
would talk about how to applyher ideas to life in the 21st.
Just for a taste, here's a twosentence excerpt about
relationships.
She writes,"The only realsecurity is not in owning or

(01:05):
possessing, not in demanding orexpecting, not in hoping, even.
Security in a relationship liesneither in looking back to what
it was, nor forward to what itmight be, but living in the
present and accepting it as itis now." Although it was first

(01:29):
published in 1955, I think itremains contemporary.
I'm placing a link to it in theshow notes.
And this, like all of my links,is a non-affiliate one, so if
you purchase it, I don't receiveanything.
Her 50th anniversary editionincludes both a postscript by
the author 20 years afterinitial publication and a

(01:52):
beautiful forward by herdaughter some 50 years later.
I'd like to share a fewapplications from her work, and
if you'd like to learn more, Ihighly recommend the book.
Even if you can't take a mindfulvacation by the sea, you can
travel vicariously through herwords.

(02:13):
Organizational expert MarieKondo suggests that we only hang
on to things that we know to beuseful or believe to be
beautiful.
In short, they need to"sparkjoy." And I like her suggestion
about thanking objects for thepurpose they served before
parting with them.
I find it makes letting go ofthem much easier.

(02:36):
But long before Kondo andLindbergh, Marcus Aurelius said,
"Very little is needed to make ahappy life." You might start by
asking yourself, how much do Ireally need?
Could it be that you alreadyhave more than enough?

(02:56):
Sort of an abundance philosophy.
When students prepare to studyabroad for a semester, limiting
their suitcase to 50 pounds isone of their hardest jobs.
I know that some insist ontaking two of them.
But in all the years of myinformal surveys where I asked

(03:17):
about regrets of not packingenough, they've all said they
regretted taking too much.
They needed much less than theythought.
Many students have shared thattheir return adjustment back
home was actually harder thanthe initial adjustment abroad.
And this is for lots of reasons,but one of them is coping with

(03:40):
having too much stuff.
Looking at their closets andtheir dressers and their desks
back home with fresh eyes andthen wondering why they had so
much--especially if theytraveled to places where people
had, relatively speaking, solittle.
About a year ago, we migrated toa new email platform at work,

(04:05):
and due to a glitch with aforwarding address, several
colleagues and I realized we'dbeen missing a large number of
incoming messages.
People who had written anddidn't get responses, must have
figured we were just too busy torespond.
I can't speak for my colleagues,but I was mortified.

(04:26):
But after getting access tothese messages and writing
apologies to these people--andthere were actually about a
dozen of them--these wereembedded in hundreds of
listserve messages, and newsreleases, spam.
I was able to delete massiveamounts of email in one sitting.

(04:46):
It felt liberating.
And it made me consider how muchof my day, maybe your day, is
consumed with dealing with stuffyou don't want?
So it's often not physical, it'selectronic, or it's emotional.
It could be relationships thattake energy instead of give

(05:08):
them, as my friend Dick Goldbergwisely distinguishes.
You know the difference withoutme even having to explain it.
How much do you invest inrelationships that really only
take your energy?
Can you simplify a bit and letgo of one or two of these?
If you can tough it out throughyour initial anxiety or guilt

(05:33):
about doing this, you're goingto thank yourself for the
freedom you're going to feel andfor the time you'll have for
more balanced friendships.
And not that you necessarily saythese words, but you might try
thinking them.
Something like,"It's not so much'no' to you, as it is'yes' to
me." I've never really valuedorganization just for the sake

(05:59):
of it, but I have valued it forthe stress relief.
You know, it's simply lessanxiety producing if you know
where you keep your keys and youdon't have to waste time
searching for them.
In fact, I read anorganizational book once and the
cover art helped me more thanthe content.
It featured a photo of a simplebowl with a set of keys inside.

(06:23):
Huh! Not an original idea.
But from that day on, I startedplacing my keys in a bowl, and I
stopped losing them.
I like solutions that areelegantly simple.
Before digital photography, Ilost a snapshot of my dad and me
just after my high schoolgraduation, which turned out to

(06:45):
be the last photo I had of himbefore he died.
And I also didn't have anegative to that.
I felt really bad for losing itat first, and then I reframed it
as'just a picture.' It didn'timpact my relationship with him
or my memories of him.

(07:05):
And in fact, the moment fromthat photo is now etched in my
mind more strongly than if Istill had a picture to look at.
So if you've lost a keepsake, apen, a piece of jewelry, or a
picture, remember they're merelyobjects.
They are not the people they'reassociated with.

(07:29):
And if you've lost a personyou've loved, I hope you also
know that you haven't lost therelationship or the memories, or
the impact they had.
All of those remain with you.
I think that simplification ishard for lots of us because we
tend to associate objectsthemselves with more power than

(07:52):
they deserve.
And on a related note, givingaway something that actually
means little to you but meant alot to a grandparent might feel
disloyal.
I know people who hang on tothings they really don't like
and don't match their style, butthey feel obliged to because it

(08:13):
meant something to an olderrelative.
And when they tell me that itfeels like a burden, I encourage
them to donate these items topossibly spark joy for a
stranger, rather than saddletheir future children with the
same burden.
So when you simplify, you don'tjust help yourself.

(08:34):
I think you're helping others aswell.
Remember that objects thatremind us of people we love
aren't the people themselves.
They're just things! And thevalue they hold is created by us
in our minds, not the objects.
So if you'd like to experiment abit with simplification, here

(08:56):
are three suggestions.
First, donate stuff or deleteneedless files or playlists
associated with a formerrelationship.
Essentially, lighten up.
Second, let go of one-sidedrelationships that consistently

(09:16):
drain your energy.
And third, adopt an abundancephilosophy in which you act as
if you already have more thanenough.
Thank you for listening, andwe'll talk again soon.