Working Through Change

Since change is the only constant in life, here are some ways to manage it gracefully.

1. Acknowledge its reality.
2. Stay present and mindful.
3. Learn from past changes.
4. Control your reactions.
5. Focus on what comes next.

Episode Transcript

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[ music].
Hi, this is Rob Sepich, andwelcome to Relaxing with Rob.
Is dealing with change difficultfor you?
Most of us struggle a bit withit, and we'd often rather have

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things stay the same--even whenthey're not that great, than
risk change--even if thingscould be better.
I think this is becausegenerally, we like what's
familiar, because we know therules on how to play.
This seems to apply whetherwe're talking relationships, or

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jobs, or where you choose tolive.
And of course, it feelscompletely different if the
change is initiated by youcompared to somebody else.
For example, if you break upwith a partner, it's a different
feeling than when your partnerends the relationship.
Today, I'd like to talk abouthow to work through any of these

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changes with less anxiety thanyou might be feeling now.
I'll share several ideas thatmight help.
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote,"everyend is a beginning." That comes
from a longer sentence of histhat goes like this:"Our life is

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an apprenticeship to the truththat around every circle another
can be drawn; that there is noend in nature, but every end is
a beginning, and under everydeep a lower deep opens." Well
to me, his concept is more thanreframing.

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It's recognizing that endingsare also beginnings, and that
gives us an opportunity to grow.
I think that when we dwell onendings, we can get depressed,
especially if they haven't evenhappened yet! And even if we
fight these changes, we're goingto lose.

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For instance,"I've mastered thisoperating system.
Why do they want me to updateit?
I refuse!" Okay, that can workfor a while--until your apps no
longer work.
You know, planned obsolescenceis a pretty brilliant business
model.
But when we focus on thebeginnings that come next, we

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have power.
From starting a new chapter inyour life, academically, or
interpersonally, orgeographically.
To something as devastating asthe loss of a loved one, where
you might surprise yourself withresilience you didn't know you
had.
In each of these situations,placing your attention on what

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comes next might help.
You might remember back inepisode 5,"Poets for
Mindfulness," I shared WendellBerry's poem,"The Peace of Wild
Things." And we talked aboutanimals who"do not tax their
lives with forethought ofgrief." So can you see how that

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connects to our topic todayabout dealing with change,
including loss?
Grief is hard enough when you'regoing through it, so why tax
your life with its forethought?
Of course we lose people wecherish.
Maybe it's unfortunately alreadyhappened to you.

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In some situations like slowhealth declines, we might have
the chance to begin the grievingprocess before death.
But if our loved ones arehealthy now, why worry about
their passing before it happens?
I know a lot of people who do.
I used to always think aboutworst case scenarios, trying to

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prepare myself for everything.
It was probably a copingmechanism for uncertainty, but
it was not a fun place to hangout, so I changed.
But remembering this olderpattern of mine helps me
empathize with people who aredoing the same thing now.
Although I think preparation isa good thing, over-preparing is

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not.
If the forecast is for acloudless sky and your direct
observation confirms this, thencarrying a bunch of rain gear
just in case is overkill.
One of my favorite"The Far Side"cartoons that speaks to this
inability to trust ourselves andour own perceptions is of three

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giraffes on top of a hill,scanning for possible predators.
And one of them is standing on asmall chair adding at most maybe
a foot to the vantage point.
And one of the giraffes on theground says something like,"No
lions anywhere?
Let me have the chair." Can yourelate to that?

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Where things are actually, inFiona Apple's words,"better than
fine" right now, but you'rewaiting for the other shoe to
drop.
For something bad to happennext.
It's an exhausting way to live,[psst] and you don't have to.
Since change really is the onlyconstant in life, and since

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fighting it only creates stress,here are some experiments for
dealing with it a bit moreeffectively: First, acknowledge
that things change.
From the weather, to yourclasses, to your feelings.
Things change, sometimes for thebetter, sometimes not.

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But fighting it or acting likethe fact things do change is a
problem only makes it worse.
Second, stay as present andmindful as possible.
Instead of pre-suffering aboutloss that hasn't happened yet,
savor your time with theactivities you like and the

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people you love while you can.
This will help reduce yourregrets later.
Third, learn from experience.
You know, on how you handledpast changes.
If you did some things you wishyou hadn't, now you know how to
be different this time.

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When we can identify ourpatterns and own them, we can
grow more gracefully than whenwe ignore them.
Fourth, even if you can'tcontrol your circumstances, you
can control your reactions tothem.
I know somebody who was a highlyproductive and dedicated

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professional, and then herposition and those of many
others was eliminated.
And after working through theshock, she decided to view this
as a chance to make some otherchanges in her life, and she's
actually never been happier.
And finally, fifth, rememberEmerson's words that every end

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is a beginning, and place yourenergy into what comes next.
Thank you for listening, andwe'll talk again soon.
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