December 31, 2024 • 38 mins
What if the pain of loss could teach us profound lessons about healing and resilience? Join me, Ola Moore, as I share my deeply personal journey through the shadows of grief following the tragic death of my brother, Larry, due to a drug overdose.
In this heartfelt episode, we also tackle the intricate family dynamics that shaped my brother's life and struggles.
I reflect on how his quest for acceptance led him down the path of petty crime and drug use, exacerbated by a transactional relationship with our mom.
Together, we explore the urgency of accountability and courage in preventing such tragedies, emphasizing how small acts of kindness and responsibility can alter the course of young lives.
I invite you to reflect on the profound impact your actions could have on safeguarding the futures of your loved ones.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
My name is Ola Moore and you're listening to
Releasing Her.
Join me as I share my journeyof overcoming trauma, the power
of resilience and self-discovery.
My hope is to encourage andempower one to not give up.
Are you ready to heal andreclaim your power?
(00:22):
If so, let's be vulnerable andgrow together.
As we are Releasing Her.
Welcome back to the ReleasingHer podcast.
I'm Olamore.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I'm in the process of discussing the losses that I've
had over the last several years, and today I'm going to share
my experiences with the loss andgrief that I've dealt with
personally, it helps.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
my words will help someone who has gone through
something similar.
Or maybe just someone you know,sent this to you and thought it
could help.
Today I'm going to talk aboutthe loss of my brother.
His name was Larry.
After my dad, most of us justcalled him LJ or Larry J.
(01:16):
July 23rd 2021, from a drugoverdose.
He was only 42.
He wasn't married or had anykids.
To my knowledge, to the worldwhen he passed, he was just
(01:38):
another young black man thatdied from drugs.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
that died from drugs to those that knew him, and I
want you to know that he was ason, a brother and a loving
uncle.
He was an artist, a great cook.
He loved music.
He was so talented.
He was one of those people.
(02:10):
I tell everybody that he canmake anything with his hands.
The loss of my brother is whatactually pushed me to go get
counseling.
I remember the day I got thenews I was still in the trenches
of mourning my dad.
We were still suffering fromthe effects of COVID and how the
(02:36):
lockdown affected all of us.
My mom was unfortunately stillup to her old tricks and at this
point I had blocked her just toget some peace of mind.
I strived so hard to maintainwhat peace I had blocked her
just to get some peace of mind.
I strive so hard to maintainwhat peace I had gotten and I
decided to keep basically keepher at arm's length because I
refuse to deal with the crazyvoicemails and nasty text
(03:00):
messages.
So every so often with that, Iwould go into my text messages.
So every so often with that Iwould go into my text messages,
the blog ones, about once amonth to see if there was
anything important.
I just couldn't do it daily andI just got tired of the
foolishness and, with me, havingMS.
(03:23):
I have to keep my stress leveldown and she definitely was a
trigger for me.
I told people many times when Ifirst got diagnosed that I
refused to allow what I had todeal with with my mom to put me
in a wheelchair.
So one day I had seen a blockcall come through from her.
(03:51):
Then I seen a missed call frommy sister and I actually thought
, and I tell my friends, Ithought my sister had butted out
me because I had not seen orspoken to her at that point
since my dad's service and ithad been almost three years.
Yes, she actually called me andwhen she called, she didn't
(04:22):
follow up with a text message ora voicemail, so that's why my
conclusion was like, okay, shejust butt called me.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
She didn't want anything and basically called me
by mistake.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
And by both of them calling my mindset.
You have to think for me theway my brother lived his last
few years.
I thought he had got arrestedagain and they wanted to put my
family home up for bail.
At this point I was upsetbecause my mom, she just never
(05:01):
allowed my brother to beaccountable for his actions, you
know.
So I had in my mind.
I was like, look, I'm going toput my foot down and I'm going
to force him to grow up.
I felt like I needed to allowhim to go to jail, and if I had
(05:26):
to say so, it was going tohappen this time.
And in my thought process I waslike okay, if he is actually
able to go to jail this timehe'll get the help he needs,
especially rehab.
It wasn't until I got the callfrom two of my cousins on my
(05:49):
dad's side that I actuallystarted to worry.
This was not the norm, you know.
I called both of them back andthis is how I got the news.
My older cousin advised thatshe had a conversation with my
sister.
Funny, my sister felt morecomfortable talking to her than
(06:14):
her own flesh and blood.
That hurts.
I'm still disturbed to this daythat, you know, my sister felt
more comfortable doing that andshe couldn't even leave me a
(06:40):
message.
Unfortunately, that's my life.
To me it feels like my mom andsibling have been shutting me
out for years and they couldn'thurt my dad directly, but I was
the next best thing.
So when my cousin called me andshe explained what happened, I
(07:08):
was not surprised.
I have explained to a lot ofpeople that the phone call that
I got that day I literally havebeen waiting on years to get.
I don't know how it feels as aparent, but as a sibling or just
a child in the house it's sotraumatic to live with someone
(07:33):
and you're always expecting theother shoe to drop, and it's
hard, even now, to let go ofthat and you always feel like
something's bad, it's going tohappen.
I remember, even when I lefthome for college, my dad would
(07:54):
call me to check on me and Ialways had this anxiety Of just
answering the phone.
I would pause and think theworst.
I would think that, okay, thisis the call.
You know I'm going to pick upthe phone and hear my dad say
(08:16):
your brother's been shot or yourbrother's been killed.
It got to the point where Ifound myself making distance
between my brother and myselfBecause I just didn't want the
extra stress.
I think even my brother knew hehad inquired about getting his
(08:42):
own place and actuallypurchasing a house at some point
, and he told me out of his ownmouth that he never thought that
far ahead because he wassurprised that he was still
alive.
So back to receiving the news ofmy brother's death.
(09:06):
I couldn't even allow myself tobe saddened because I was angry
more than anything.
You see, I know that mybrother's drug use had been a
cry for help for many years andrecently, to numb the pain, what
(09:29):
should have been a time formourning for me was just pure
anger.
I was, and I'm still upset thatmy mom cuddled my brother so
many times.
I'm angry because she wouldn'tallow him, her little precious
(09:51):
son, to spend time in jail, orprison for that matter.
Looking back, I don't think sheeven allowed him to stay in
jail more than 48 hours, fromwhat I can recall and that's the
instances I know about and onthe other hand, you know it's
(10:15):
just him going to jail.
But God knew best.
You know, the loss of my brotherwas not as traumatic as losing
my father, or even my niece, forthat matter, and I think for
(10:36):
anyone that can sadly relate tothis, dealing with someone who
has abused drugs, you knowpersonally.
For me, dealing with someonewho has abused drugs, you know
(10:57):
personally.
For me, the person who they arestarts dying months or even
years before their bodyphysically expires.
I still haven't fully grievedlike I should have, but those
days do come.
The shell of a man that diedwasn't my brother, and I know
(11:19):
that the drugs had changed him.
I think I grieve for him morenow than I did when he actually
died.
Unfortunately for me, goodmemories can also be triggers
(11:40):
and I had to learn that it wasokay to give myself permission
to cry when that happens when mybrother died.
I was still, like I said before, dealing with that depression
and that grief Of losing myfather.
It wasn't as bad.
I thought it was manageable andit was the timing and the
(12:02):
circumstances Three years.
And he was the timing and thecircumstances Three years and he
was gone too.
My brother and I, we both tookmy dad's death real hard.
Personally, I leaned on my faithand I tried to manage Speaking
(12:24):
with friends and family and whenI could open up, I did my
brother Colt the way he hadlearned to the last few years
before his death.
He got high and he got involvedin high risk situations.
(12:45):
That's, he got high and he gotinvolved in high-risk situations
.
That's what happened.
You know, I grew up in a housewhere my dad was that
traditional man.
He was head of the household.
He was head of the household.
(13:07):
He was our rock.
He was trying to raise mybrother to be that in some way,
to be the man and to be able tostep into something were to
happen to him.
You know, make that transition.
(13:29):
And I look back now and eventhinking about it.
You know, both of them are gone.
You know, just thinking aboutthe reality any more men in my
family and it's disheartening.
I feel abandoned andunprotected.
(13:54):
Those days come when it's likeyou know, know, who am I going
to call when I need help?
Who's going to give meinstruction or advice about my
car or remind me how?
(14:15):
You know, a real man should actwith me, towards me, and, sadly
, if I were to get buried, Ifeel like I would have to walk
(14:35):
down the aisle alone.
My kids wouldn't have a grandpaor uncle.
My brother's death makes me soangry still.
My brother's death makes me soangry still Because and I tell
my therapist, you know mybrother didn't have to die the
(14:57):
way he died.
His story could have goneanother way.
Most creative people are socreative and they're very
sensitive and, like my brother,they live life hard and they
also take tragedy and traumajust as hard.
(15:19):
That was him, that was LJ.
But you know there's an oldsaying there's smoke, there's
fire.
And when my brother died I Isaw a smoke cloud and that smoke
got thicker and I knew I was introuble.
(15:41):
I didn't want to look up oneday and have my world falling
apart.
So I took the initiative anddid some research and I found a
therapist.
And looking back, it's kind ofsilly now, because I remember
(16:04):
when I first called her my firstone, my first therapist, and I
was so called and it's justcreepy and I know that child
inside me, my inner self, wascrying out to get some help and
(16:30):
I'm glad I listened.
You know, I tried my best tocope with my dad's death, but
when my brother died I was like,okay, I don't know if I can
deal with this, because now thisis a lot and my brother's death
(16:55):
reopened that wound.
I thought that was healing andat that point point he was like
Okay, I'm not only dealing withOne death, and that was two.
And I knew I needed some helpand I I thank God that I even
(17:19):
had the courage To do that.
I know a lot of people some Iknow and a lot of people in the
African American community.
They look down on therapy.
Or if you're listening andyou're scared or think that you
(17:42):
just don't need it, I pray.
I know some of you may belistening, like you know, pray
it away.
But God, you, I believe Godgives us tools and therapy is
one of those tools.
You just can't pray everythingaway.
It's one of those tools.
(18:03):
You just can't pray everythingaway.
And I know, and I truly believethat God gives us discernment.
So when we pray, that he putspeople in our lives To help us.
And that's how I look attherapy, my therapist.
(18:25):
So now when people ask me youknow what happened to my brother
, and I just say you know,modest, he didn't survive.
(18:47):
You know, because unfortunatelyin our society, you know,
people think, oh, someoneoverdoses, they go to the
hospital and get revived, but hedidn't make it.
His death wasn't for me aone-off situation where he
(19:12):
decided to party and he justhappened to get a hold of
something bad.
My brother, he honestly couldbe that poster child for drug
abuse progression.
You know, it started off smallfor him when he was a teenager
Smoking weed and over the yearshe needed something Stronger,
(19:35):
something to get him highquicker.
And a lot of people Believethat weed Is that gateway drug.
And that was the case for mybrother.
And don't get me wrong, I knowa lot of people that,
(19:56):
quote-unquote, dabbled with weedwhen we were younger and it
didn't affect them the same waylike it did my brother.
I would say that, unfortunatelyfor my brother, starting out
doing drugs was the perfectstorm because his addiction and
(20:18):
later death were fruit of theseeds of broken dreams for him
and the selfishness of my mom.
This may not be the story ofsomeone that you know, but a lot
(20:42):
of times people, especiallychildren, young people
struggling and dealing withissues just listen to them,
especially if you find themdoing drugs they're asking for
(21:04):
your help.
So right now I feel like thebest way for me to honor my
brother's death is to explainhow he got to where he was.
So I just maybe you couldlisten to this and help someone
you know that may be in thatsame situation.
(21:30):
I look back and I remember thestruggles my brother had in
school.
You know, outside of school hewas a regular, normal kid.
My brother actually had alearning disability normal kid.
My brother actually had alearning disability and as a
child I didn't know exactly whatthe issue was, but I know he
(21:52):
had difficulty reading.
I remember our dad had gottenhim excited about reading so he
got him some comic books thespider-man and Supermanman and
it was a way for my brother toactually enjoy reading, enjoy
doing something that hestruggled doing.
(22:13):
It did make him want to readbecause he wanted to know, of
course, what's going to happennext.
And I remember my mom throwingaway his comic books.
I don't know why she did it andbut it hurt him.
(22:38):
And to remember and look backand you know, see that little,
that light in him kinda go dimand eventually go out.
But my dad, he still try, youknow, to get my brother the help
(22:59):
he needed outside of school anddoing things for him and
reaching out to people he knew.
And unfortunately my momdeclined because she didn't want
people to think that somethingwas wrong with my brother.
She was so worried about whatother people thought that it got
(23:24):
in the way what was best forhim.
And I look back now and thatlittle small action basically
snowballed and my brother justfell further behind as the years
went by.
I remember him wanting to playfootball but again his grades
(23:51):
were not up to par and that wasanother dream killed.
But my daddy didn't give up onhim and through the years he
continued.
He continued to try to get mybrother's help and like
clockwork my mom, she wouldeither try or secede and undo
(24:14):
everything my dad was trying todo.
My dad used to say that everytime he made a headway with my
brother my mom's actions wouldtake him a few steps back.
So my brother's school and homelife were like night and day.
(24:35):
In school he struggled.
He wasn't with his peers insome classes and I know that
hurt him, but he really did try.
He would ask for my help withhis homework outside of school.
(24:58):
My brother was somebody, becausein the streets, unfortunately,
they of course welcomed him withopen arms, the people he hung
out with.
They didn't judge him on hisacademics, and I get it.
Everybody wants to belong tosomething you know, be a part of
(25:20):
something.
So petty crimes, stealing it,just it just went natural.
And I look back down, that toowere cries for help from my
(25:41):
brother.
I remember my brother and I andmy mom, we were at this grocery
store and my brother tried tosteal a pack of cigarettes and
the security guard had watchedhim do it and my brother denied
(26:05):
it and my mom was in the storejust cussing and fussing about
you know, you're trying toaccuse my son of doing this and
it was off and I just stoodthere and then the security
officer grabbed him and pulledthe cigarettes out my brother's
(26:25):
pocket.
My mom just stood there, shedidn't fuss at my brother and it
just amazes me how she justalways defended him.
I think in some way she knewshe created that Demi, that
demon, that demon.
You know, I understand that thebond between a son and a mother
(26:50):
is special and as my brothergot older he missed that.
My personal opinion, you know,let me step back.
I say that because the way Ifeel and felt, you know, in my
(27:19):
20s and in my 30s about my mom,my brother felt the same way,
you know, we would sit down andshare stories.
And in my 30s, about my mom, mybrother felt the same way, you
know, we would sit down to sharestories about her and complain,
and I just think he just wantedto be around her, have that mom
and, yeah, me personally, Ithink, in order to actually deal
(27:47):
with my mom, to hang around herand be around her.
Drugs was the way he was ableto do that, to help him cope.
And, unfortunately, my brother,he did what drug addicts do.
(28:15):
He did whatever he needed to doto get high on the surface.
A lot of times, you know, itappears that he went to my
parents house to check on her,check on them, and it just
wasn't that way with him.
(28:36):
My parents actually had to givemy brother, you know, money
just to come see them and Iguess that for them it was a way
for them to, you know, lay eyeson him, even though in reality
I don't think he would have wentdown there, but you know he
(28:57):
needed the money to get high, sothat was an incentive for him.
That was an incentive for himand sadly, the relationship
between my mom and my brotherjust became transactional and
(29:24):
since she had the money, it kindof made her be my brother's
puppet master, if that makessense.
I just and it makes me angrybecause I feel like she took
advantage of him being addictedto drugs because she knew, okay,
I got this money and as long asI got this money I can make him
do whatever I want and he'sgoing to come see me and it's
(29:44):
just, it's sickening to me.
So, getting back to his actualdeath is, I was actually told
that when the police went to mymother's house, you know, and
(30:08):
they told him, you know, wefound your brother and it
appears that he died of a drugoverdose.
And from my understanding, theyasked my mom if my brother
actually did drugs and onceagain, in denial, in her pride
to make my brother look likethis saint, you know, because
(30:33):
that was her son, she told himno, my son doesn't do drugs.
You know he may smoke a littleweed every once in a while, here
and there.
You know he may smoke a littleweed every once in a while, here
and there, and I just reallythink that she denied everything
(30:56):
Because she was not 100% thereason, but she was a part of
why and how my brother becamewhat he was, who he was, and she
had to live with that.
She really did and I know whenhe died and after my brother's
(31:24):
death that guilt stayed with herbecause the one person you know
that was supposedly so loyal toher her little baby boy was
gone because she helped him gethigh.
(31:44):
She gave him money him get high.
She gave him money to get high.
She didn't talk about it.
I didn't talk to her.
I don't know what was goingthrough her hair, but I know she
paid for that.
She put herself probably in herown little jail and I had to
(32:07):
wear a lot on her, knowing youknow she helped kill her baby
boy and personally I think thestress of that killed her.
So when it's my brother actuallydied, I didn't attend his
(32:34):
funeral.
I had seen him maybe like ayear before he died and he was
so frail and skinny.
I remember hugging my brotherand I could feel all his bones,
(32:58):
his collarbone and his ribs.
I felt like I was hugging askeleton.
He was already dead.
He was just, you know, floatingaround doing what he do, and I
(33:20):
didn't want to see him like that, in that casket just, and that
was a year before, so I canimagine what he looked like.
I didn't want to have to putmyself through that because even
thinking about it now makes mesick to my stomach and I also I
(33:46):
didn't want to Go to thatservice and sit there and
pretend like everything was okay.
No one, you know For me.
My mom did that.
She did that to him.
She didn't make him smoke,crack or make him, you know,
(34:15):
inject whatever drugs he wasdoing or snort the cocaine, but
she was no better than the drugdealer that was supplying it
because, like I said before, shegave him the money.
And I'm just not.
I'm not that type of personthat can just sit there and
(34:38):
pretend.
So once again, I stayed awayand kept my peace.
I remember the day of thefuneral I had downloaded all
these songs.
My brother loved rap musicgrowing up.
(34:58):
I remember when we used to getready for school and he would
blast.
You know how he loved Wu-TangClan, the NWA, ice Cube, and
that was my service.
I just sat at my house andlistened to the music that he
(35:20):
liked and tried to draw toremember him that way.
I say to whoever is listeningto this whether you're a family
(35:43):
member, close friend, a teacher,a co-worker.
Don't give up on that child.
You see struggling, a teacher,a co-worker.
Don't give up on that child.
You see struggling.
And I go back to my brother'sdisability and it's just Help
(36:05):
him Any way you can, becausesomething that small, when you
kill that dream or you kill thatjoy, that hope in a child, it
doesn't take take much to go inthe opposite direction.
And if you see him acting out,alright, trust me, it's to get
(36:36):
your attention.
Every time they tear upsomething or break the rules,
yell them back.
They are asking you for helpand sometimes you know you have
to let them face the face theconsequences and that's the only
(37:02):
way that it's going to getbetter.
I know there's no guarantee, butit's worth the alternative.
It's worth not having yourchild or your family member die
the way my brother died.
Please have the courage to holdthem accountable.
(37:27):
And I want you to ask yourselfis me feeling embarrassed, is my
pride more important thansaving this person's life or
this child's life?
You know it might be.
(37:47):
If they are young it may seemso simple, right, but trust me,
years down the road that look atthe kindness you going the
extra mile Could save them.
These, oh, they could have beenso different From my brother,
(38:11):
so different.
And I just don't want to seethat happen like I had to see
that happen and it hurts.
Miss you, LJ.
I really miss you.
My name is Ola Moore and you're listening to
Releasing Her.
Join me as I share my journeyof overcoming trauma, the power
of resilience and self-discovery.
My hope is to encourage andempower one to not give up.
Are you ready to heal andreclaim your power?
(00:22):
If so, let's be vulnerable andgrow together.
As we are Releasing Her.
Welcome back to the ReleasingHer podcast.
I'm Olamore.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
I'm in the process of discussing the losses that I've
had over the last several years, and today I'm going to share
my experiences with the loss andgrief that I've dealt with
personally, it helps.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
my words will help someone who has gone through
something similar.
Or maybe just someone you know,sent this to you and thought it
could help.
Today I'm going to talk aboutthe loss of my brother.
His name was Larry.
After my dad, most of us justcalled him LJ or Larry J.
(01:16):
July 23rd 2021, from a drugoverdose.
He was only 42.
He wasn't married or had anykids.
To my knowledge, to the worldwhen he passed, he was just
(01:38):
another young black man thatdied from drugs.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
that died from drugs to those that knew him, and I
want you to know that he was ason, a brother and a loving
uncle.
He was an artist, a great cook.
He loved music.
He was so talented.
He was one of those people.
(02:10):
I tell everybody that he canmake anything with his hands.
The loss of my brother is whatactually pushed me to go get
counseling.
I remember the day I got thenews I was still in the trenches
of mourning my dad.
We were still suffering fromthe effects of COVID and how the
(02:36):
lockdown affected all of us.
My mom was unfortunately stillup to her old tricks and at this
point I had blocked her just toget some peace of mind.
I strived so hard to maintainwhat peace I had blocked her
just to get some peace of mind.
I strive so hard to maintainwhat peace I had gotten and I
decided to keep basically keepher at arm's length because I
refuse to deal with the crazyvoicemails and nasty text
(03:00):
messages.
So every so often with that, Iwould go into my text messages.
So every so often with that Iwould go into my text messages,
the blog ones, about once amonth to see if there was
anything important.
I just couldn't do it daily andI just got tired of the
foolishness and, with me, havingMS.
(03:23):
I have to keep my stress leveldown and she definitely was a
trigger for me.
I told people many times when Ifirst got diagnosed that I
refused to allow what I had todeal with with my mom to put me
in a wheelchair.
So one day I had seen a blockcall come through from her.
(03:51):
Then I seen a missed call frommy sister and I actually thought
, and I tell my friends, Ithought my sister had butted out
me because I had not seen orspoken to her at that point
since my dad's service and ithad been almost three years.
Yes, she actually called me andwhen she called, she didn't
(04:22):
follow up with a text message ora voicemail, so that's why my
conclusion was like, okay, shejust butt called me.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
She didn't want anything and basically called me
by mistake.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
And by both of them calling my mindset.
You have to think for me theway my brother lived his last
few years.
I thought he had got arrestedagain and they wanted to put my
family home up for bail.
At this point I was upsetbecause my mom, she just never
(05:01):
allowed my brother to beaccountable for his actions, you
know.
So I had in my mind.
I was like, look, I'm going toput my foot down and I'm going
to force him to grow up.
I felt like I needed to allowhim to go to jail, and if I had
(05:26):
to say so, it was going tohappen this time.
And in my thought process I waslike okay, if he is actually
able to go to jail this timehe'll get the help he needs,
especially rehab.
It wasn't until I got the callfrom two of my cousins on my
(05:49):
dad's side that I actuallystarted to worry.
This was not the norm, you know.
I called both of them back andthis is how I got the news.
My older cousin advised thatshe had a conversation with my
sister.
Funny, my sister felt morecomfortable talking to her than
(06:14):
her own flesh and blood.
That hurts.
I'm still disturbed to this daythat, you know, my sister felt
more comfortable doing that andshe couldn't even leave me a
(06:40):
message.
Unfortunately, that's my life.
To me it feels like my mom andsibling have been shutting me
out for years and they couldn'thurt my dad directly, but I was
the next best thing.
So when my cousin called me andshe explained what happened, I
(07:08):
was not surprised.
I have explained to a lot ofpeople that the phone call that
I got that day I literally havebeen waiting on years to get.
I don't know how it feels as aparent, but as a sibling or just
a child in the house it's sotraumatic to live with someone
(07:33):
and you're always expecting theother shoe to drop, and it's
hard, even now, to let go ofthat and you always feel like
something's bad, it's going tohappen.
I remember, even when I lefthome for college, my dad would
(07:54):
call me to check on me and Ialways had this anxiety Of just
answering the phone.
I would pause and think theworst.
I would think that, okay, thisis the call.
You know I'm going to pick upthe phone and hear my dad say
(08:16):
your brother's been shot or yourbrother's been killed.
It got to the point where Ifound myself making distance
between my brother and myselfBecause I just didn't want the
extra stress.
I think even my brother knew hehad inquired about getting his
(08:42):
own place and actuallypurchasing a house at some point
, and he told me out of his ownmouth that he never thought that
far ahead because he wassurprised that he was still
alive.
So back to receiving the news ofmy brother's death.
(09:06):
I couldn't even allow myself tobe saddened because I was angry
more than anything.
You see, I know that mybrother's drug use had been a
cry for help for many years andrecently, to numb the pain, what
(09:29):
should have been a time formourning for me was just pure
anger.
I was, and I'm still upset thatmy mom cuddled my brother so
many times.
I'm angry because she wouldn'tallow him, her little precious
(09:51):
son, to spend time in jail, orprison for that matter.
Looking back, I don't think sheeven allowed him to stay in
jail more than 48 hours, fromwhat I can recall and that's the
instances I know about and onthe other hand, you know it's
(10:15):
just him going to jail.
But God knew best.
You know, the loss of my brotherwas not as traumatic as losing
my father, or even my niece, forthat matter, and I think for
(10:36):
anyone that can sadly relate tothis, dealing with someone who
has abused drugs, you knowpersonally.
For me, dealing with someonewho has abused drugs, you know
(10:57):
personally.
For me, the person who they arestarts dying months or even
years before their bodyphysically expires.
I still haven't fully grievedlike I should have, but those
days do come.
The shell of a man that diedwasn't my brother, and I know
(11:19):
that the drugs had changed him.
I think I grieve for him morenow than I did when he actually
died.
Unfortunately for me, goodmemories can also be triggers
(11:40):
and I had to learn that it wasokay to give myself permission
to cry when that happens when mybrother died.
I was still, like I said before, dealing with that depression
and that grief Of losing myfather.
It wasn't as bad.
I thought it was manageable andit was the timing and the
(12:02):
circumstances Three years.
And he was the timing and thecircumstances Three years and he
was gone too.
My brother and I, we both tookmy dad's death real hard.
Personally, I leaned on my faithand I tried to manage Speaking
(12:24):
with friends and family and whenI could open up, I did my
brother Colt the way he hadlearned to the last few years
before his death.
He got high and he got involvedin high risk situations.
(12:45):
That's, he got high and he gotinvolved in high-risk situations
.
That's what happened.
You know, I grew up in a housewhere my dad was that
traditional man.
He was head of the household.
He was head of the household.
(13:07):
He was our rock.
He was trying to raise mybrother to be that in some way,
to be the man and to be able tostep into something were to
happen to him.
You know, make that transition.
(13:29):
And I look back now and eventhinking about it.
You know, both of them are gone.
You know, just thinking aboutthe reality any more men in my
family and it's disheartening.
I feel abandoned andunprotected.
(13:54):
Those days come when it's likeyou know, know, who am I going
to call when I need help?
Who's going to give meinstruction or advice about my
car or remind me how?
(14:15):
You know, a real man should actwith me, towards me, and, sadly
, if I were to get buried, Ifeel like I would have to walk
(14:35):
down the aisle alone.
My kids wouldn't have a grandpaor uncle.
My brother's death makes me soangry still.
My brother's death makes me soangry still Because and I tell
my therapist, you know mybrother didn't have to die the
(14:57):
way he died.
His story could have goneanother way.
Most creative people are socreative and they're very
sensitive and, like my brother,they live life hard and they
also take tragedy and traumajust as hard.
(15:19):
That was him, that was LJ.
But you know there's an oldsaying there's smoke, there's
fire.
And when my brother died I Isaw a smoke cloud and that smoke
got thicker and I knew I was introuble.
(15:41):
I didn't want to look up oneday and have my world falling
apart.
So I took the initiative anddid some research and I found a
therapist.
And looking back, it's kind ofsilly now, because I remember
(16:04):
when I first called her my firstone, my first therapist, and I
was so called and it's justcreepy and I know that child
inside me, my inner self, wascrying out to get some help and
(16:30):
I'm glad I listened.
You know, I tried my best tocope with my dad's death, but
when my brother died I was like,okay, I don't know if I can
deal with this, because now thisis a lot and my brother's death
(16:55):
reopened that wound.
I thought that was healing andat that point point he was like
Okay, I'm not only dealing withOne death, and that was two.
And I knew I needed some helpand I I thank God that I even
(17:19):
had the courage To do that.
I know a lot of people some Iknow and a lot of people in the
African American community.
They look down on therapy.
Or if you're listening andyou're scared or think that you
(17:42):
just don't need it, I pray.
I know some of you may belistening, like you know, pray
it away.
But God, you, I believe Godgives us tools and therapy is
one of those tools.
You just can't pray everythingaway.
It's one of those tools.
(18:03):
You just can't pray everythingaway.
And I know, and I truly believethat God gives us discernment.
So when we pray, that he putspeople in our lives To help us.
And that's how I look attherapy, my therapist.
(18:25):
So now when people ask me youknow what happened to my brother
, and I just say you know,modest, he didn't survive.
(18:47):
You know, because unfortunatelyin our society, you know,
people think, oh, someoneoverdoses, they go to the
hospital and get revived, but hedidn't make it.
His death wasn't for me aone-off situation where he
(19:12):
decided to party and he justhappened to get a hold of
something bad.
My brother, he honestly couldbe that poster child for drug
abuse progression.
You know, it started off smallfor him when he was a teenager
Smoking weed and over the yearshe needed something Stronger,
(19:35):
something to get him highquicker.
And a lot of people Believethat weed Is that gateway drug.
And that was the case for mybrother.
And don't get me wrong, I knowa lot of people that,
(19:56):
quote-unquote, dabbled with weedwhen we were younger and it
didn't affect them the same waylike it did my brother.
I would say that, unfortunatelyfor my brother, starting out
doing drugs was the perfectstorm because his addiction and
(20:18):
later death were fruit of theseeds of broken dreams for him
and the selfishness of my mom.
This may not be the story ofsomeone that you know, but a lot
(20:42):
of times people, especiallychildren, young people
struggling and dealing withissues just listen to them,
especially if you find themdoing drugs they're asking for
(21:04):
your help.
So right now I feel like thebest way for me to honor my
brother's death is to explainhow he got to where he was.
So I just maybe you couldlisten to this and help someone
you know that may be in thatsame situation.
(21:30):
I look back and I remember thestruggles my brother had in
school.
You know, outside of school hewas a regular, normal kid.
My brother actually had alearning disability normal kid.
My brother actually had alearning disability and as a
child I didn't know exactly whatthe issue was, but I know he
(21:52):
had difficulty reading.
I remember our dad had gottenhim excited about reading so he
got him some comic books thespider-man and Supermanman and
it was a way for my brother toactually enjoy reading, enjoy
doing something that hestruggled doing.
(22:13):
It did make him want to readbecause he wanted to know, of
course, what's going to happennext.
And I remember my mom throwingaway his comic books.
I don't know why she did it andbut it hurt him.
(22:38):
And to remember and look backand you know, see that little,
that light in him kinda go dimand eventually go out.
But my dad, he still try, youknow, to get my brother the help
(22:59):
he needed outside of school anddoing things for him and
reaching out to people he knew.
And unfortunately my momdeclined because she didn't want
people to think that somethingwas wrong with my brother.
She was so worried about whatother people thought that it got
(23:24):
in the way what was best forhim.
And I look back now and thatlittle small action basically
snowballed and my brother justfell further behind as the years
went by.
I remember him wanting to playfootball but again his grades
(23:51):
were not up to par and that wasanother dream killed.
But my daddy didn't give up onhim and through the years he
continued.
He continued to try to get mybrother's help and like
clockwork my mom, she wouldeither try or secede and undo
(24:14):
everything my dad was trying todo.
My dad used to say that everytime he made a headway with my
brother my mom's actions wouldtake him a few steps back.
So my brother's school and homelife were like night and day.
(24:35):
In school he struggled.
He wasn't with his peers insome classes and I know that
hurt him, but he really did try.
He would ask for my help withhis homework outside of school.
(24:58):
My brother was somebody, becausein the streets, unfortunately,
they of course welcomed him withopen arms, the people he hung
out with.
They didn't judge him on hisacademics, and I get it.
Everybody wants to belong tosomething you know, be a part of
(25:20):
something.
So petty crimes, stealing it,just it just went natural.
And I look back down, that toowere cries for help from my
(25:41):
brother.
I remember my brother and I andmy mom, we were at this grocery
store and my brother tried tosteal a pack of cigarettes and
the security guard had watchedhim do it and my brother denied
(26:05):
it and my mom was in the storejust cussing and fussing about
you know, you're trying toaccuse my son of doing this and
it was off and I just stoodthere and then the security
officer grabbed him and pulledthe cigarettes out my brother's
(26:25):
pocket.
My mom just stood there, shedidn't fuss at my brother and it
just amazes me how she justalways defended him.
I think in some way she knewshe created that Demi, that
demon, that demon.
You know, I understand that thebond between a son and a mother
(26:50):
is special and as my brothergot older he missed that.
My personal opinion, you know,let me step back.
I say that because the way Ifeel and felt, you know, in my
(27:19):
20s and in my 30s about my mom,my brother felt the same way,
you know, we would sit down andshare stories.
And in my 30s, about my mom, mybrother felt the same way, you
know, we would sit down to sharestories about her and complain,
and I just think he just wantedto be around her, have that mom
and, yeah, me personally, Ithink, in order to actually deal
(27:47):
with my mom, to hang around herand be around her.
Drugs was the way he was ableto do that, to help him cope.
And, unfortunately, my brother,he did what drug addicts do.
(28:15):
He did whatever he needed to doto get high on the surface.
A lot of times, you know, itappears that he went to my
parents house to check on her,check on them, and it just
wasn't that way with him.
(28:36):
My parents actually had to givemy brother, you know, money
just to come see them and Iguess that for them it was a way
for them to, you know, lay eyeson him, even though in reality
I don't think he would have wentdown there, but you know he
(28:57):
needed the money to get high, sothat was an incentive for him.
That was an incentive for himand sadly, the relationship
between my mom and my brotherjust became transactional and
(29:24):
since she had the money, it kindof made her be my brother's
puppet master, if that makessense.
I just and it makes me angrybecause I feel like she took
advantage of him being addictedto drugs because she knew, okay,
I got this money and as long asI got this money I can make him
do whatever I want and he'sgoing to come see me and it's
(29:44):
just, it's sickening to me.
So, getting back to his actualdeath is, I was actually told
that when the police went to mymother's house, you know, and
(30:08):
they told him, you know, wefound your brother and it
appears that he died of a drugoverdose.
And from my understanding, theyasked my mom if my brother
actually did drugs and onceagain, in denial, in her pride
to make my brother look likethis saint, you know, because
(30:33):
that was her son, she told himno, my son doesn't do drugs.
You know he may smoke a littleweed every once in a while, here
and there.
You know he may smoke a littleweed every once in a while, here
and there, and I just reallythink that she denied everything
(30:56):
Because she was not 100% thereason, but she was a part of
why and how my brother becamewhat he was, who he was, and she
had to live with that.
She really did and I know whenhe died and after my brother's
(31:24):
death that guilt stayed with herbecause the one person you know
that was supposedly so loyal toher her little baby boy was
gone because she helped him gethigh.
(31:44):
She gave him money him get high.
She gave him money to get high.
She didn't talk about it.
I didn't talk to her.
I don't know what was goingthrough her hair, but I know she
paid for that.
She put herself probably in herown little jail and I had to
(32:07):
wear a lot on her, knowing youknow she helped kill her baby
boy and personally I think thestress of that killed her.
So when it's my brother actuallydied, I didn't attend his
(32:34):
funeral.
I had seen him maybe like ayear before he died and he was
so frail and skinny.
I remember hugging my brotherand I could feel all his bones,
(32:58):
his collarbone and his ribs.
I felt like I was hugging askeleton.
He was already dead.
He was just, you know, floatingaround doing what he do, and I
(33:20):
didn't want to see him like that, in that casket just, and that
was a year before, so I canimagine what he looked like.
I didn't want to have to putmyself through that because even
thinking about it now makes mesick to my stomach and I also I
(33:46):
didn't want to Go to thatservice and sit there and
pretend like everything was okay.
No one, you know For me.
My mom did that.
She did that to him.
She didn't make him smoke,crack or make him, you know,
(34:15):
inject whatever drugs he wasdoing or snort the cocaine, but
she was no better than the drugdealer that was supplying it
because, like I said before, shegave him the money.
And I'm just not.
I'm not that type of personthat can just sit there and
(34:38):
pretend.
So once again, I stayed awayand kept my peace.
I remember the day of thefuneral I had downloaded all
these songs.
My brother loved rap musicgrowing up.
(34:58):
I remember when we used to getready for school and he would
blast.
You know how he loved Wu-TangClan, the NWA, ice Cube, and
that was my service.
I just sat at my house andlistened to the music that he
(35:20):
liked and tried to draw toremember him that way.
I say to whoever is listeningto this whether you're a family
(35:43):
member, close friend, a teacher,a co-worker.
Don't give up on that child.
You see struggling, a teacher,a co-worker.
Don't give up on that child.
You see struggling.
And I go back to my brother'sdisability and it's just Help
(36:05):
him Any way you can, becausesomething that small, when you
kill that dream or you kill thatjoy, that hope in a child, it
doesn't take take much to go inthe opposite direction.
And if you see him acting out,alright, trust me, it's to get
(36:36):
your attention.
Every time they tear upsomething or break the rules,
yell them back.
They are asking you for helpand sometimes you know you have
to let them face the face theconsequences and that's the only
(37:02):
way that it's going to getbetter.
I know there's no guarantee, butit's worth the alternative.
It's worth not having yourchild or your family member die
the way my brother died.
Please have the courage to holdthem accountable.
(37:27):
And I want you to ask yourselfis me feeling embarrassed, is my
pride more important thansaving this person's life or
this child's life?
You know it might be.
(37:47):
If they are young it may seemso simple, right, but trust me,
years down the road that look atthe kindness you going the
extra mile Could save them.
These, oh, they could have beenso different From my brother,
(38:11):
so different.
And I just don't want to seethat happen like I had to see
that happen and it hurts.
Miss you, LJ.
I really miss you.
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