February 12, 2025 • 50 mins
Why was there a knock on the door at 1 a.m.? This could only mean something bad. But what? Mrs. Namdar could never have imagined that the Hatzolah personnel standing at her door were there to tell her the unthinkable: a drunk driver, Liel, no pulse. All she remembers is screaming, “NO! How can this be? It can’t be!”
And so began her journey of grief—a path filled with immense pain. Yet, with her natural optimism, Maya shares how she began searching for answers. One place her search led her was to a deeper understanding of Moshiach. As she yearns for His arrival, she holds on tightly, saying, “He is coming.”
“People make fun of me,” she admits. “I’ve even been called Mrs. Moshiach. But that’s okay. This is the only way I can survive. And I believe. I truly believe
YouTube: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsK24OSmIYG_XWzeplhfmb8LJcWKphITh&si=untn3fmHLLaEEFNm
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relief-from-grief-by-mayrim/id1788349916
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3AvWNp0DrHqE5AVYJHooiK?si=ufpIObuGRumS5uFXmvrpgA
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Relief from Grief podcast, hosted by
Mrs Miriam Rebiet and brought toyou by Mayrim.
Mayrim is an organizationdedicated to supporting families
who have experienced the lossof a child.
It was founded by IloyNishmat's, nechama Liba and
Miriam Holman.
Despite her illness, miriamdevoted herself to addressing
(00:22):
the needs of parents andsiblings grappling with the
immense pain of losing a child.
She felt this loss deeply,having experienced it firsthand
when her older sister, nechamaLiba, passed away.
Mehrim continues to uplift andexpand on the work Miriam began,
a mission carried forward byher parents with great
dedication.
(00:43):
If you have any questions orcomments for the speaker, or if
you'd like to suggest a guestfor the podcast, please email us
at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Hi everybody.
Thank you so much for joiningme here today in the Relief from
Grief podcast.
I am very honored that MayaNamder is joining us today.
Maya is from Great Neck and shehas a story to share, so thank
you so much, maya, for coming on.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Okay, I know your story went viral and probably
most people, or many people, Ishould say know of your story,
but they might not know thatyou're the owner of the story.
I guess if you could tell us alittle bit about what happened
on that awful night.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
So it was December 11 of 2021.
My 15 year old daughter was at.
She was at the camp Sternberg'sreunion party, which was out in
the Woodm, the Five Towns area.
It was Motsi Shabbat.
I had spoken to her MotsiShabbat when Shabbat was out.
(01:51):
She was actually for Shabbat.
She went to her friend's housein order to be able to make it
to the Sternberg reunion,because we live in Great Neck
and it's quite a schlep.
So on Friday, when she left thehouse, I kissed schlep.
So on friday, when she left thehouse, I kissed her goodbye.
She had her duffel bag and shewent to school.
Actually, I'm going to tell yousomething a little bit crazy.
I've shared it before, butevery time I share it I'm like
(02:15):
that's like insane.
It's very hard for me to likeshare that little detail, but I
feel like I should always besharing it.
So le Liel was very, very, very, very excited to go to this
reunion.
It was like a buildup ofexcitement.
You know, for that night sheloved Camp Sternberg and the
night before, thursday night,she was packing her bag.
(02:38):
She was like choosing outfits.
She was figuring it out withher friends, she was FaceTiming
her friends what she should wearfor friday night, shabbat day,
and then for the party.
And then all of a sudden shecame into my room like very
overwhelmed with like emotionsand she was crying.
Leo was always a very sensitive,sensitive girls, very sensitive
(03:02):
and I said, leo, what's wrong?
She said I want to go forShabbat.
I said okay, and I said so,don't go, I'll take you to the
party.
We'll say Shabbat, she goes.
No, but my friends are comingin from Canada for their reunion
.
We're planning to stay togetherfor Shabbat at my friend's
house and if I don't go they'regoing to be disappointed.
(03:23):
So I said, so, go, and she waslike, but I don't really, and if
I don't go they're going to bedisappointed.
So I said, so, go, and she waslike, but I don't really want to
go, I don't want to be awayfrom home for Shabbat, which I
was a little bit like taken backbecause of how excited she was
beforehand.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
But something in the past Was this her first time
going away besides from campgoing away.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
No, she would go to friends.
I mean, leo loves home, sheloved shabbat at home.
She she's just, she's a girlthat loved her bed and loved to
be home and my cooking and sheappreciated it.
And she would walk in onfridays.
She's like, oh, the housesmells so good and she would
come and check the pots, likeshe was very connected to home
(04:02):
and, um, it wasn't like weirdthat she said it.
I was just like, but you wereso excited and I didn't want to.
Something inside me also didn'tpush her and I kind of let her
make her own decision.
So that Thursday night and Isaw how overwhelmed she was and,
knowing how excited she was, Iwasn't being like, oh, come on,
just go, you'll have fun.
(04:23):
And I didn't say, then don comeon, just go, you'll have fun.
And I didn't say, then don't go, stay home.
I didn't do any of that.
I said to her okay, do thisjust so you can be relaxed.
And like, calm down right nowI'm like pack up your duffel bag
for Shabbat, knowing thatyou're not going for Shabbat.
Like I'll take you Saturdaynight, pack your bag, have it
(04:45):
ready, take it with you toschool, knowing you're coming
home, okay, and in case youchange your mind in school, at
least the duffel bag is with you, so you'll schlep it back home.
Big deal?
I said, just take it in casesomething happens and you change
your mind, but otherwise justcome home.
(05:06):
What's the big deal?
I'll drive you Saturday night.
And then she called me afterschool and I totally remember
like her excitement.
She's like Ima, I just wantedto tell you that I'm totally
fine, I'm okay, don't worry, andI'm staying here for Shabbat,
so excited to be with my friend.
I'm like okay, enjoy Shabbat Sh.
So excited to be with my friend.
I'm like okay, enjoy Shabbat.
Shalom, you're such a goodmother.
(05:26):
You know Liel was always verysensitive and I couldn't.
I kind of learned how to helpher, help me, help her cope with
those little anxieties that sheshe always had, that she was
very sensitive to others.
Sometimes I would see hercrying.
(05:46):
It was because her friend wasupset over something and I would
she was just sensitive to tothe world.
Wow, um.
And it was just crazy because Ididn't expect that from her
Thursday night, since she was soexcited for the Sternberg
reunion.
And then that's it.
So she went for Shabbat.
She called me before Shabbat tosay Shabbat Shalom.
And also another crazy thingthat happened that Friday night
(06:10):
my younger son wasn't home.
Also for Shabbat, he went to afriend's house.
So it was just me, my husbandand my older daughter and my
older son, and it was kind ofboring.
It was just four of us aroundthe table and first of all, liel
would be the one that alwayssets the table for Shabbat and I
asked my son to do it.
(06:30):
He did a very backward job.
Yes, I could imagine.
So when we came to sit down andeat.
So my daughter commented to myson she's like, oh gosh, you set
the table.
You can totally feel that Lielis not here, because liel
usually sets the table forshabbat.
Wow, and then after that theywere just like hanging out.
(06:51):
And then they said to eachother could you imagine, like we
didn't have other siblings andit was just us?
Like how boring our shabbatswould be.
Like, oh my god, like these arelike little tiny details of
like the night before and twonights before.
That I try to block and avoid,but it definitely.
(07:14):
It like, just feels as if, likesomething inside deep down our
neshamahs, as if it feltsomething, but we had no idea
what it, I don't know.
That was crazy.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
So comes Saturday night, liel calls me as soon as
Shabbat is out.
Actually we were FaceTimingeach other and I remember she
was like packing up her duffelbag, she was putting all her
stuff inside and she was soexcited to go to the reunion.
And then we were making planstogether for me to pick her up
on sunday.
So I said to her you know what,I'll let you sleep in a little
(07:48):
bit, I'll pick you up at 11o'clock.
I have parent-teacherconferences anyway early in the
morning, and then I'll come getyou.
And she said, okay, fine, seeyou sunday morning.
That was like our lastconversation, like see you
Sunday morning and that's it.
We all go to sleep, we're in bed.
I think it was around oneo'clock in the morning.
(08:11):
We're sleeping and the doorbellrings.
I remember jumping out of bedand quickly asking my husband
where is Emmanuel?
Saturday nights my son would goplay basketball at the local
gym over here and I had went tobed already.
So I woke up just thinking likedoorbell, like did Emmanuel not
get home?
Like nothing would have crossedmy mind, because two of my
(08:31):
other kids, leo and my other son, are sleeping at a friend's
house.
I'm like is Emmanuel like homeand he was like, yeah, yeah, he
came back a long time ago.
We both jumped and my husbandran to the window of our bedroom
and he was like two things thathe said.
He was like why are there somany hot seller cars outside?
(08:53):
And my husband's best friend isone of the hot seller guys.
He's like why is a Navit caroutside?
I always try to go back andremember what was going through
my head.
Those split six milliseconds.
My grandmother, alaya Shalom,always used to say that a
(09:16):
mother's the way we think, theway we worry about our kids and
we think bad things, which islike you wouldn't wish that on
your enemies.
Like this is us mothers.
We'll always think the worst.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Right.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
I can't remember, but I think in split seconds many
different stuff came to my headand I screamed.
I jumped down the stairs.
I don't know what I wasthinking.
I wasn't.
I was thinking maybe many crazystuff, but not that.
And as soon as my husbandopened the door, I mean from
that everything is kind of likea blur.
(09:50):
I just remember snippets oflike the guys, the hotel guys
saying accident, car, hospital,leo.
It was just like little wordsthat I was just hearing, but I
was already gone at this point.
I think I passed out fainted.
My other son passed outscreaming.
(10:11):
There was, just there, was.
I think this is what hell islike.
I think it was actually in theZohar, like it says something
that like a parent hearing thenews of like loss of a child is
like fourth level of life, butGehenna is like.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Really.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Yeah, I have to find the source of it.
I read it somewhere that it'slike it's like a level of
Gehenna in literal sense, likethat moment.
That moment is Gehenna, likeeverything.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
When they came, she was already not alive.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
They told my husband that she was gone.
She didn't make it.
From the blur stuff that Iremember, I'm going to share
very deep stuff because this iswhere we're heading.
Her third year of sight iscoming up.
It's exactly a week afterHanukkah, so I feel like I feel
(11:10):
a bit more comfortable sharingthis stuff.
But after like the fainting Idon't remember.
I remember nausea, I rememberwanting to throw up and then I
(11:35):
remember my husband asking thatwhile I am like losing it, my
husband is asking that sellerguys, how are the other girls
doing?
Wow, angry, and I startedhitting my husband and I was not
.
I like today I look at it likeI'm married to a very special
human, because who does thatright?
Right.
His concern was they're tellinghim his daughter just died in a
car accident and he's askingand how are the other ones?
(11:57):
The other girls weren't wellfine they were all, they were
not fine they were everybody,everybody was hurt.
I don't know exactly who washurt to what level.
I know one of the girls was inicu, one was just hospitalized,
the driver no, they had toresuscitate her.
(12:18):
They had to bring her back.
She had a bad head injury.
No, I mean they were not fine.
But I mean they were not fine.
But Hashem they're fine, butthey were not fine.
Right, and that's also anothercrazy part of it, that listen to
what I'm telling you now.
They were not fine, but Leahwas fine.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
But as a mother, what kind of what do you prefer?
The fine or the not?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
fine, no, no, but do you understand that what I'm
telling you like it doesn't makesense.
Liel was not hurt she wasn't,she wasn't physically hurt,
nothing broken, no blood,nothing, nothing nothing would
she die from so they had to putsomething right.
So they had so they called ittraumatic arrest, so it was from
(13:06):
the trauma yeah, that makes nosense, okay, I, I, I guess in a
way that helps no, but I'mtrying to say no, it doesn't
help in any sense, in anything.
It just makes it like, like, asif hashem came in and he was
like right that's what I saying.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
It helps the obviousness of like Hashem doing
this because it makes no sense.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
Yeah, I don't even know what to call it, I don't
even know how to explain it, butlike that was one thing that
was just like.
That doesn't make sense.
And then when the police cameto do like a little bit of an
investigation to see whathappened with the accident and
they saw from surveillancecameras they saw like the
speeding of the drunk driver.
(13:49):
It was a drunk driver that hitthe car.
When they saw the surveillancecamera they're like this kind of
accident, that speed of thedrunk driver, the way he hit the
car.
There should have been nosurvivors in the car.
If there were to be survivors,it should have only been Liel,
(14:11):
because she sat in the safestspot in the car, like there
should have not been survivorsfor that kind of accident.
And now it's the opposite theyall survived and liel, that sat
in the safest seat didn'tsurvive.
They all got hurt.
Liel was not hurt physically.
(14:32):
Her body, there was nothingbroken, there was no lungs, like
nothing.
Every she was, she wasperfection.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
She was just with her eyes closed and wow, oh my gosh
, that is really spooky onesecond.
But I have a question to askyou like, do you ever like?
Do you ever get angry?
Then like, why?
Like, look, why was she theonly one?
Is that too personal?
Speaker 3 (14:55):
no, no, no.
I just wanted to tell you Idon't have time to be angry.
I need to bring my child back,I need to bring mashiach, I need
to bring geula back, I need tobring Mashiach, I need to bring
Geula, I need the Tchiat HaMetimnow.
So I don't have time to beangry, like I'm dealing only
with this.
My anger is not bringingMashiach, my anger is not
(15:16):
bringing Geula and my anger isnot bringing back my child.
My child will come back withTchiat HaMetim.
So and that's my focus, so Idon't have time for anger I said
to her when that will happen,because Hashem promised that.
Hashem promises tchiat hametim.
He promises, not me.
I didn't promise it.
I'm not making this stuff up.
It's written.
(15:36):
We daven three times a day andwe say tchiat hametim and we
pray for Tzipita Leishua and wepray for Moshiach and Tzemach
David and we pray for it.
So I did not make it up.
It's in the book and I believein Hashem, so it's going to
happen.
So I'm going to expedite it.
That's my job.
I don't have time for anger.
I said to her later, whenTzikathim happens and Moshiach
(15:59):
comes and I'm a little bit likeokay, this was done, then I'm
going to go to Hashem and belike well, now I'm angry with
you, like why did you put methrough that?
So she started laughing andshe's like you know, you're like
, you're not normal.
And I said what I went throughis not normal.
So of course I'm not normal andI don't know if some I don't
(16:22):
know if it was anger there wasquestions of like why?
But that?
Why it's very, very fast, atthe very fast, turned into what
I didn't say for a while, forvery long.
Okay, so I have a question toask you.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Okay, so this is the question that me and Mr Glenn
Holman.
I used to argue with him allthe time.
For the listeners that don'tknow, Mr Holman is the founder
of NARIM.
Okay, so I have this bookcoming out.
Right, we talked about it.
It's called Forever in OurHearts.
It's for parents that lostchildren.
So he was the clinical editorof it.
So I used to tell him that ifsomeone is talking like the way
(17:02):
you're talking, it's denial.
It's going to end up affectingthem.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
Oh, yes, I had that.
My family was concerned aboutme.
How do you know that?
It's not how?
Speaker 2 (17:12):
do you know?
Look, looking at your face, youlook like, really like sincere.
So I want to believe that youare.
I do believe that you are, butagain, for the listeners that
might not be seeing your face,like how can we tell them that?
No, this is really like you're.
You're real, like you worked onthis, and this is not denial,
but it's coming from a realplace first of all, I want to
say that what I feel is not it'snot constantly always there.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Sometimes it does fizzle out a little bit and I
have to quickly work on myselfto get back there, because the
feeling of me fizzling away fromthat is very scary.
Like I'm, I'm very, very scaredto be in that dark place.
Like I'm not I I'm, I'm anaturally I was always naturally
(17:57):
a very positive person Like I,I'm naturally, like I was always
like that.
Like no, I love to be withSimcha and I love to be happy,
and like that was verychallenging for me and I had to,
like how do you take such asituation and not be like I want
to be positive about this?
The only way was with Hashemand just to say, like I want to
(18:22):
say something.
This is the ultimate test ofEmunah and bitachon.
I know like there's othermothers that are listening to me
that might think I'm crazy, but, bottom line, I am surviving
because of my kukunis, ofdepending on Hashem and emunah
and bitachon.
(18:42):
You can call me crazy and I'mtaking it as the biggest
compliment of life.
It's fine, Call me whatever youwant.
To call me Too positive, crazy.
I'm in a bubble.
Like my bubble will burst.
Call me, whatever you call me.
I was even called before MrsMashiach Like, call me whatever
you want to call me, Bring it on, I'll take it.
(19:02):
Nothing phases me.
I have built such a shield oflike Hashem I am.
I've worked on it and I stillwork on it.
It's daily work.
I literally Hashem sits herewith me.
So when I'm sad, when I feeldark, I turn to him and I tell
him I said fix it, I'm crazy.
I say fix it, fix it.
(19:23):
A lot of times you know I waslike fix it, I'm crazy.
I say fix it, fix it.
A lot of times.
You know I'll have like my closefriends, I think, or whatever.
Just like people.
They'll just be like why don'twe see you cry?
Don't you ever cry?
Do you cry?
Oh, I cry.
I'm like I cry a lot.
You don't even know how much Icry.
I get mad at boxes of tissuesand water 'm like I do.
I cry.
My pillow would be soaking wet.
(19:45):
I don't need to cry to people.
I cry to Hashem because I knowmy tears.
When I direct them to Hashem,they become holy tears and I
know he collects my tears and Iknow that everything that I feel
in my pain and everything thatI ask and I beg for.
I know now it's like goingtowards something meaningful.
(20:06):
I can go cry to my friends andfamily and then I'll be just
like a Nebuchadnezzar.
I don't need that.
I'm not a Nebuchadnezzar, I'mnot.
I'm not.
I was picked and chosen byHashem.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
So was your level of connection always this strong?
It sounds like you must havebeen always working on it and
this just made it stronger.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
No, I'm gonna tell you I should really like, you
know, like the saying that it'slike hasham, like test those
that he loves.
You know, I beg him to likefall out of love with me.
I've been challenged throughmany different challenges in my
(20:48):
life, a lot since I was in myteenage years, and, like I've
been through many challenges,not like this extreme, but every
time I've been throughsomething hard.
Yeah, I did find myself at theend of the day.
Turning to Ashton, I would havetried other things, other
(21:08):
options, other directions, andeven with this, I was in therapy
at the beginning.
I was also medicated at thebeginning and I was like, okay,
the medication doesn't help,because when it wears off it
hurts and I don't want to bemedicated all the time, because
every time I would be medicatedI just wanted to sleep the whole
(21:28):
time.
I would literally sleep in themiddle of the day.
It made you tired, it made mevery tired.
Okay, regardless, I'm alwaystired.
That emotion and this pain thatyou carry is exhausting, and
falling asleep just disconnectsyou from the pain of this world.
So I sleep a lot, meaning Icould.
I don't sleep a lot, sorry, butI love to sleep.
(21:49):
I have no issues falling asleepat night.
I'm not one of those peoplethat has a hard time.
I have a very easy timedisconnecting and just falling
asleep, because that's when youdon't feel the pain, you know.
So you know I didn't want tocontinue to be medicated.
I I wanted to have my energyback.
I couldn't do it on meds and Iwent to therapy for quite a
(22:09):
while and I was like not thatlong, because it's not even
three years yet.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Let's just put that out there.
If someone needs therapy forthree years or five years or
eight years, like it's okay.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
I did therapy, maybe for like six months after, okay,
and I was dreading.
I was dreading it.
I was doing it because that'swhat I was told to do, right,
and that was by the book andthat was the best thing for me.
And like you need to be intherapy, you might need to be
medicated, you might likeeverything was there's.
There's the you know I don'tknow where I was reading it but
(22:39):
also the therapist.
I mean, like there's the whole,like uh, process and the steps
of grief.
First, first you're angry,first you're this, and like
everything, who says we have tobe in the box or in the book?
You know, like losing a childis not by the book, that's not
even natural.
Like it's not, it's not by thebook.
A parent is not meant to bury achild.
So don't give me process ofgrieving.
(23:00):
And you know, and with thetherapist, I won't point, I
promise you, I was doing therapyto my therapist, like she would
.
She was getting like when isour next session?
Like she just wanted to hear me, like I was giving her chazuk.
I'm like I don't need this.
I, I, I just I felt like Iwasn't, not that therapy didn't
(23:22):
put me in the right place.
That's not what my neshamaneeded.
It's not what I needed, neededa deep connection and
understanding of where is mychild?
Is she okay?
What do I need to do?
And if there's really such athing as Moshiach, I need proof
(23:42):
and evidence.
When is Moshiach coming?
And then, when is the firstpart of Tichyat HaMetim?
Will Liyel be a part of it?
And that was what was importantto me.
So I started studying that.
I literally own every Moshiachbook that you can think of.
I'm not just people can call mecrazy and I was called crazy at
(24:03):
the beginning and I'm totallyfine with that and people still
waiting for my bubble to burst.
But I study and learn aboutMashiach, about the days of
Mashiach, about the world, fromlike the existence till the end.
Whether people like it or not.
I'm sorry to break it to you.
We are in the end of days.
It's written.
(24:24):
It's not me I'm crazy andthat's fine.
I'm not making up stuff.
It's all in the books, it's allin the Torah, it's all in
Nebuah, it's all.
It's all there.
Tchiata Metim is not a made up,it's going to happen.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
So let me ask you one again.
When I was discussing titlesfor my book, so we settled on
forever in our hearts, butsomeone kind of gave us this
title it's going to happen.
So let me ask you one again.
When I was discussing titlesfor my book, so we settled on
forever in our hearts, butsomeone kind of gave us this
title, which it was like a cutehop, I guess, but not something
we would have used because itjust didn't fit really, but it
was.
He said something like see you,when Mashiach comes, and one of
the issues we had was that butthat's not even true, it's, it's
when Tachias HaMesim comes.
(25:01):
So do you know like how much?
When is Tachias HaMesim?
It's not right after Mashiachcomes.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
So it's like this.
So in some books I've beenreading that when Mashiach comes
, when Mashiach is revealed,whenever Mashiach comes and we
accept him as Mashiach, becausethey say that when Mashiach
comes, some people will notaccept him as Mashiach.
Some people will not accept himas Mashiach.
They're going to say, no, that'snot Mashiach Really, and, yeah,
not everyone are going to be onthe same page, but Mashiach, he
(25:30):
has certain things that he hasto prove that he's Mashiach, and
one of them is the rebuildingof the Beit Hamikdash Like that
has to happen.
There's certain things thatMashiach needs to do in order to
prove that he's Mashiach andnot everyone is going to fall
for it.
And then it says that whenMashiach comes, he comes and
it's like the first part ofTchiat HaMeti.
(25:51):
And then it says who's in thatfirst part of Tchiat HaMeti?
And then there's TkufatHaMashiach.
Then there's the 40 years, the40 years period of Mashiach,
where in that 40 year period Idon't know if that's at the end
of the 40 year there is anothertriatomiteim.
(26:12):
So there's like two parts to itand kids are in the first part
yay, okay, that's interesting.
I never like, I never heard thatit's listen, it's in the books,
like I'm not, I'm not.
I keep saying I'm like nothingthat's interesting.
I never heard that.
Listen, it's in the books.
I keep saying I'm not making upstuff, I know nothing.
And for me all of this was abig chedush.
(26:33):
And then, the more I wasreading, the more I was so
thirsty for it.
The knowledge that I wasgaining was giving me hope Like
my gosh.
Wait a minute.
If Hashem created the world foronly 6,000 years, meaning to do
, the world has to be in atikkun within the 6,000 years.
We are in the year 5,784, 216years from the end.
(26:58):
But tchiat hametim needs tohappen already, 210 years before
, and Mashiach needs enough time, 40 years.
Like there's a lot ofkhashbonot that goes here and
I'm like we're so close.
We're so close like I'm notmaking it out.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
I promise you okay, I just feel like okay, so I'm
being perfect from now on,because I don't know when he's
coming.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
So I'm listening, let's just like only be perfect,
right, like, no more veiros,it's too scary, not if Mashiach
is like coming tomorrow or todaystill, and I want to tell you I
so again, I don't know ifyou're gonna regret doing this
because, like you're gonna seenow how crazy I am, I don't
think you're crazy, okay, fine,maybe it takes one to know one I
don't know.
(27:38):
But I have those mornings thatit's very hard for me to get out
of bed.
I just feel like I can't do theday, and the way I get myself
out of bed is reminding myselfthat today Mashiach might come.
And the reason I get out of mypajamas and I get dressed
because I want to be dressedwhen Mashiach comes.
(27:58):
I am so invested in thisMashiach that my dress is by my
closet.
I have a few options.
I have a luggage in my den, Ihave my tambourines ready and I
get up in the morning I'm liketoday might be the day.
Today might be the day.
I need to be ready, I need tobe dressed and your husband is
like you in all your thoughtprocesses.
(28:20):
He is, and sometimes, when he alittle bit falls off which
happens to me all the time, Igive it to him I'm like what are
you doing?
Meshach is coming.
You can't do that and he'll belike you're right.
Okay, we're both crazy, butlike we both, like you know,
whenever I feel like down alittle bit, like he'll remind me
(28:41):
.
It's like you're preachingMashiach all day long.
You can't be like that and I'mlike you're right, you're right,
people are counting on me, likeI'm bringing Mashiach.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
So nice, because very often in such a case the you
know, the parents could be soopposite.
It's so nice that you're reallyon the same page.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
Because what else is there?
Mashiach is the only hope.
Mashiach is the only solution.
What would end our pain andsuffering?
Mashiach, there's nothing else.
Medicine is not going to takeit away, therapy is not going to
take it away.
Nothing is going to take itaway, I know.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
But imagine if someone is listening to this and
they're hearing what you'resaying and they're like you know
what?
She's right.
I'm going to change my attitude.
I'm going to, I'm going tofocus on Mashiach, the way she's
focusing on it, and I'm goingto get my husband on board.
And then she goes to herhusband and says, okay, we're
not going to be in such painanymore, or maybe we're going to
still be in pain, but this isgoing to be our new focus and
this is what we're going to.
He might say to her like you're, you're crazy and you do what
(29:35):
you want, but I'm sure thatthere's many cases of that.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
That's, you know, one spouse is on a journey alone I
have not yet met.
You know we had the May RainRetreat, like last month, and
any parent that I spoke to aboutMoshiach, like both parents,
were on board yeah, grievingparents I don't.
I mean, I have not met anyonewho's you know, and I just feel
like it doesn't happen.
Like, oh, I have not met anyonewho's no, and I just feel like
(30:04):
it doesn't happen.
Like, oh, I'm listening to Maya.
She's so positive, she's intoMashiach, I'm going to do it too
.
I worked on this Like Iliterally like anytime there's
like a new book that comes out,my husband will be like, oh my
gosh, it's a new Mashiach book.
I'm like, get it, order it.
Right now, everything has stickynotes and bookmarks and I jot
notes for nobody, for myself,that when I feel down, I go back
(30:26):
, I open the book and I see mynotes.
This is what keeps me going.
So whoever is out therelistening to me and they're lost
and they're in this pain andthey want to look for hope,
mashiach is the solution.
But it's not just the mindset,because it's very hard to just
(30:46):
shift your mindset when you haveso much pain inside.
It's to really learn it,understand it, let it soak in,
process it.
It's a lot of information andthere's a lot of information out
there to understand that we arethe end of days.
Mashiach will come, there willbe Tchiat HaMetim there will be.
(31:09):
Our children will come back andI keep telling parents I think
I'm crazy.
When they look at me, they'relike she's nuts and I'm like I
keep telling this to you.
Don't get surprised when yousee your child is back.
Your child will be back.
And then they're like, okay,she's not.
I'm like, okay, it will happen.
We'll see who was the crazy one.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Wow, wow.
Do you like hear what happenedto the drunk driver, or like
it's so not part of your story,like it doesn't matter, like
it's not really relevant to you?
Speaker 3 (31:43):
That's not what you're focused on.
It's not what I'm focused on.
Like Baruch Hashem, she's nolonger in rehab, in danger.
She's back at home with herchildren.
They also need to work on a lotof no.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
I mean the drunk driver, what it was, a front
person.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Sorry, I thought you were talking about the driver of
the car, the drunk driver.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
sorry, I thought you're talking about the driver
of the car, the drunk driver.
Okay, I'm gonna share somethingcrazy with you.
You became his best friend orsomething.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
You're making him jewish when, um so basically,
the accident whatever, let'sjust say that like this entire
like lawsuit is from the stateand it's from the county and
it's like it there was a childhere that died like it's like
coming from very differentdirections different lawyers
(32:30):
involved, different court dates,different like a lot of uh
stuff besides insurances.
It's like it's a lot of layersand from the beginning, I think
it was like after the solution,when we came back and people
were excited to come in and Isaw my husband was getting
overwhelmed with it and I saidto my husband, I said, listen,
(32:51):
oh, I needed to go to thelawyer's office.
We needed to go sign somepapers for the insurance.
I don't remember exactly whatit was.
So I said to my husband I'mcoming to the lawyer's office
and that will be the only timethat I'm coming to my husband
saying I'm coming to thelawyer's office and that will be
the only time that I'm coming.
And it would be to sign my nameoff from anything that has to do
with this accident.
I have nothing to do with this,I don't want to be a part of
(33:12):
this, not at the loss, nothing,I'm just take my name off and,
yes, they thought I was crazy.
Now, if you really want to callme crazy, I'll justify my
craziness you can really call mecrazy.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Well, why did you want to take it off?
Speaker 3 (33:27):
Because I said, and again, I'm crazy.
Okay, so it's fine for me tosay this.
The whole world can know I'mcrazy.
It's not the drunk driver whotook my daughter's life.
It's not him, he's a nobody.
He was just a bitter shaliachthat was there.
This is, my chashbon is not witha drunk driver.
(33:49):
I really care less.
My chashbon is with Hashem.
My chashbonot is with Hashem.
It's between me and him.
It was Hashem handpicked me andhe handpicked my daughter and
all my chashbonot are withHashem.
I really can care lesshandpicked.
My daughter and all myhashbonot are with Hashem.
I really can care less aboutthe drunk driver.
I can care less about the case.
(34:09):
So I wasn't involved at all.
And this is already almost.
We're almost at three years andI didn't know this because my
husband been keeping everythingaway from me, not because he's
keeping it away from me, becauseI'm like I don't, I'm not, I
have nothing to do with it.
So a while back he was keepingit to himself.
Basically, drunk driver waslike out on bail with like court
(34:38):
dates, like pending coming up.
He didn't show up to a veryimportant court date and then
basically the drunk driver haddisappeared, he escaped, he ran
off.
He was gone, missing.
He didn't show up to court andnobody knew where he was.
And then he became crazybecause there was no case.
Um, and my husband was so takenback by this and upset, and one
(35:00):
day he came to me in tears andhe was like I've been keeping
this away from you for so longbut you don't understand.
Like that guy ran off and likehe didn't show up to court and
there's no case, and I looked athim and I'm like so he's like
what do you mean?
So I'm like he can run, thisbitter guy can run for the rest
of his life and hide.
Who is he hiding from?
(35:21):
Hashem knows where he's at,trust rest of his life and hide.
Who is he hiding from?
Hashem knows where he's at,trust me, he is bitter for the
rest of his life.
For the rest of his life he'sthe most bitter person.
Hashem will find him and givehim whatever he needs to get.
I am not concerned about that.
I don't need him in court tofeel that you know, we got
revenge.
He'll get his revenge fromHashem and he doesn't even need
(35:43):
revenge.
This poor guy was picked byHashem to be that evil person to
do this.
I don't care.
And my husband was just like no, you know, you really are like
cuckooing like a good way,because that's making me feel
better.
I'm like okay, good.
And after a week my husband waslike good news, they found him.
I'm like I told you I was likenuts.
(36:04):
Those things don't faze me.
It does not faze me, you reallydon't care at all.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
I can't even like.
Wait, maybe in general you'renot a curious person Like you
don't care about I am.
Speaker 3 (36:17):
Oh, if you would know me, I am.
I don't know, mariel, I justwant to say I got to a place.
I can tell you that I got to aplace.
That took time.
I got to a place.
I'm going to share somethingwith you.
I actually shared it at like mylast, like speaking events.
(36:39):
Okay, I was sharing, I saidthat Hashem broke me.
He broke, he broke my heart,and I said I look at it as a
gift.
I said I was gifted the gift ofa broken heart from hashem and
I was saying you know when aheart breaks, right now, there's
all the cracks, right, and youknow the saying how, now,
(37:00):
through the cracks, that's whenthe light comes in and that's
when hashem can come in.
So, now that I said that, nowthere is this japanese art
called kintsugi.
I don't know if I'm pronouncingit correctly, but they take
broken pottery and they glue itback together with gold enamel
(37:21):
and it becomes the mostbeautiful, magnificent piece.
Okay, okay.
So in Japanese, kintsugi meansto bind with gold.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (37:30):
And there there are theory behind it that you can
take anything that's broken andmake it more beautiful and
stronger than before.
And that is exactly whathappens with a broken heart.
It's broken, but then when youbind it not with the golden
amulet, it's basically Hashem.
When you bind your heart withHashem, when His light just sits
(37:52):
there inside and it's holdingyour heart, you're unbreakable.
Nobody can touch you, nobodycan break you.
You become unbreakable and thatis a gift.
It's a gift.
Not everyone has a broken heartand not everyone is able to
bind their heart together withHashem.
(38:12):
Meaning I say, hashem, youbroke my heart, you fix it, you
glue it back together and whenyou let Hashem do that and he's
the one holding it, your heartcan never break.
I don't care about this drunkdriver, hashem is holding me,
he's holding my heart.
I'm unbreakable.
I'm not going to go throughthese emotions.
Yes, I do cry, yes, I do breakdown from tears because I miss
(38:34):
my daughter so badly when Ithink of Liel and her smile and
her laughter and her giggles.
I miss her so much, laughterand her giggles.
I miss her so much.
But I have full emunah thatHashem knew what he was doing
when he did this and he pickedme out and he picked me and I am
where I am supposed to be in mylife right now, like this
(38:56):
broken person.
That's who I'm supposed to be,and I have a job and I have a
mission and Moshiach is comingand like that's that's who I am
and that is my life, frommorning till night, from 6am
when I get up.
It's that till I go to bed.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
Wow, no, it's, it's, it's really it's, it's.
It's just amazing.
I don't know, it's justincredible.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
It's.
You know, it's what I said toyou at the beginning, where,
after a very short period, mywhy really turned into what it
really did.
I stopped saying why, why, why,why, and it was like, okay,
what, what does Hashem want forme?
What do I need to do?
And I didn't need to put somuch hard work into it.
Hashem, right away, showed mewhat he wanted me to do Right
(39:43):
away, like literally directmessages, and I feel like my job
is to spread.
I call it Leo's light becauseshe inspires me every day and I
don't want to look at Leo assomething dark and tragic.
I want to look at her as light,shining bright and bringing
(40:04):
light into the world, and sheinspires me every single day.
So for me it's like I haveLeo's light and I want to share
Leo's light with the world andobviously bring Moshiach
awareness.
And knowing that the morepeople are in tune with this
(40:26):
whole Moshiach and they yearnthe yearning, the wanting
Moshiach, I feel like that'slike hastening the process.
So that's my job.
I'm like I want to bringMoshiach faster.
We've got to make more Moshiachawareness and give this
yearning to people.
I want people to yearn it andwant it and I say unfortunately.
(40:46):
It's really unfortunate, becauseHashem wants the yearning from
us and he's not getting it fromall of us.
We're still like, but why?
And this and that, and thedrunk driver, and the court,
hashem is like you're missingthe point.
You're missing the point.
That's not your mission here.
You need to want me, you needto want Mashiach, and I'm here
(41:07):
to redeem you.
I want to redeem you, but askfor it.
So who asks for it?
Who asks for Mashiach Broken?
Speaker 2 (41:19):
hearts, broken hearts , exactly Broken hearts, broken
hearts.
Speaker 3 (41:21):
Broken hearts, exactly Broken hearts.
So we've had, unfortunately,too many broken hearts this past
year, like we're living incrazy times and a lot of broken
hearts.
And all these broken hearts notall, most are turning to Hashem
(41:44):
and they're crying and they'rebegging for Moshiach.
And I see it when I watch thefunerals in Israel, whether of
hostages that they end upbringing back or soldiers that
we end up losing, you know, inGaza and Lebanon, and you see
these mothers are burying theirchildren and they're screaming
(42:08):
to Hashem enough, bring usMashiach now.
And that's what Hashem wantsand unfortunately, he needs to
break us.
And I just want to bring thisawareness like we don't have to
be broken.
We can do it without beingbroken but it's much harder.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
It's just much harder .
You know, like you said, it isthe broken heart that turns to
hashem and we'll scream formashiach.
That's just, unfortunately, howit goes.
I don't know, honestly.
You know I've been broken alsoso many times and sometimes I
wonder so, like I should reallywant Mashiach, do I, like I
don't yearn for him the way, theway any Jew should?
(42:49):
But especially if, like I'vebeen through so many like
tragedies in my life, like, whyam I not so much more focused on
Mashiach?
Speaker 3 (42:57):
because I feel like there's also a lot of people
associate Mashiach with a lot offear.
They're scared.
You know I was saying up untilbefore the accident I didn't
care for Moshiach and it's notlike I had the most perfect life
.
I've been through manychallenges in my life but it was
like why do I need Moshiach?
Like we're fine, I'm married,my children they're in school,
(43:17):
whatever, we're working hard,we're not poor, hard, we're not
poor, we're not rich, we're not,we're nothing, we're just
living our life like that's it,like that's how it's supposed to
be.
Like why do I need now mashiachto go and interrupt my life
right now?
Like that's not the purpose oflife, to just go on and just be
comfortable and like you know,we need to understand we are
(43:39):
living in galut, we live inphysical galut out of eric's
trial, but orton is also ineric's trial.
They live in galut.
We live in physical galut outof eric's trial, but orton is
also in eric's trial.
They live in galut.
We need to understand that thisis the purpose of our life is
not work, parnasa, pay foryeshiva, look pretty on the
holidays, get good outfits foryour kids, and like that's not
(43:59):
the purpose.
We're missing.
We're missing what's going onhere.
That is not our mission.
Our mission here is to, firstof all, to connect, to connect
Hashem, to feel Him, to yearnHim, to want Him the same
yearning that we want for thehostages we keep screaming bring
them back home.
It's bring Hashem back home.
(44:20):
Hashem has not been in His homefor over 2,000 years.
Like, why are we not screamingfor Hashem?
Bring him back home.
It's.
We all need to understandreally what our mission here is
in this world, and I thinkthat's the reason why I'm not
fazed by results from court andthis, because that's not my
(44:41):
mission, that's not what I'msupposed.
Fazed by results from court andthis, because that's not my
mission, that's not what I'msupposed to be dealing with,
it's not.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Unbelievable, really.
I'm so, so inspired.
I'm so happy that you came onto this podcast and I feel like
this is such a just, beautifulplace to end.
But I do want to, before we doend, I guess I kind of want to
ask if there's anything moreimportant or equally important
that we missed that you want tosay.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
I want to say that if there's any mother, father,
parents out there thatunfortunately lost a child and
they're listening to me I don'twant anyone to feel that I don't
even know what to use, theright words, that pressure, that
like, oh, if Maya is like thisand that's her view on life, or
take on life and that's hermindset, that's how I should be.
(45:30):
I just want to say that I amdefinitely not.
I am not where I am today.
I was not here last year andnot the year before.
I was not here last year andnot the year before.
Like when you're broken, you'reconstantly evolving and
changing.
I wasn't like this from thebeginning.
(45:51):
I knew I didn't want to be inthe dark side.
Therefore, I worked on myselfto get to where I.
I don't even know where I'mtrying to get to, but where I am
today.
That is hard, hard, hard workwe're talking about every day,
constantly, and reminders Hashemloves me, hashem cares for me,
(46:14):
hashem knows what I'm goingthrough.
Salvation will come soon and Ihang on to it.
I read a lot of books, I studythem, I take notes, I listen to
Shireen, I work on myself, work,work, work on myself all the
time to get to where I need toget.
It's like you're in school, youcan't.
You need to show up, you needto be there, you need to study,
(46:36):
you need to like, you need to dothis in order to get there.
So if there's anyone that'slistening to me and I might be
feeling like, oh, I'm not in hermindset, how is she so strong
Because I do hear this a lot.
I get emails, I get messageslike, how are you so strong?
And I'm like, okay, I'm sohappy that you're seeing me as a
strong person I don't feel it.
I feel very broken and very rawon the inside and I'm happy
(46:59):
that the world is not seeingthat because that's private
between me and Hashem.
So I'm very happy that it's noton my outside face.
And what you're seeing on theoutside, it's a shield, it's
like Hashem's shield and I'mvery proud of it and I carry
Hashem very proud on my shouldereverywhere that I go and what
you're seeing, that's literallyHashem's shield protecting me
(47:22):
all the time, and you can see mecrying and laughing at the same
time.
I'm so good at doing that, bythe way.
Laugh, cry all together.
At the end of the day, I falland I pick myself up.
I have the days that I can'tget out of bed or get out later
on in the day.
Sometimes I feel slower,sometimes I can't cook,
sometimes I can't do do things.
(47:43):
I'm not perfect.
I'm not this strong person inthis world.
I'm not.
I just don't want to be thatnebuch person in the dark.
I don't want people feelingpity for me.
Don't feel pity for me.
I'm on a mission with Hashemand he picked me and we're
partners and we're bringingMashiach.
Like that's how I look at itwow, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
It does make sense.
No, it's such an importantpoint, right?
I mean, it's so common toalways judge ourselves and to
judge ourselves against others.
And here, oh my gosh, look atthis mother and look what she
went through and look what she'sdoing.
Oh my gosh, I must be like thatalso.
And then it's like it's sodepressing if we're not, you
know, but like we each have ourown journey and you'll get to
where you have to go.
And I think the point of whatyou said is that you don't even
(48:29):
know where you want to go, butyou know that you want to go
somewhere All.
Speaker 3 (48:32):
I know is where I don't want to go.
I don't want to be there, soI'm going the other direction.
Where the other direction istaking me, I don't know.
But here I am.
This is where I am.
Do you get what I'm saying?
I don't know what that goal is,where I'm going to, I just know
(48:55):
where I don't want to go to.
I run the other way.
Speaker 2 (48:59):
Right, right, well also, you can't really stay in
one place.
There's no stagnating, it'seither up or down.
Speaker 3 (49:03):
No, we are evolving constantly.
If you would have spoken to melast year, you would be shocked.
You're like, she does not soundthe same, and before that, even
last month, two months ago.
I'm constantly changing, I'mconstantly evolving.
Also, I'm constantly learning,and I'm constantly learning new
things, things that inspire memore, so I become more, like,
(49:26):
more like aware, like, oh mygosh, oh, that happened, oh that
, oh, okay, let me listen tothis now and then it's like
everything is like mind opening.
Speaker 1 (49:33):
it's like I didn't even realize that okay, thank
you so so much for coming inthank you, miriam you've just
listened to an episode of theRelief from Grief podcast with
Miriam Riviet, brought to you byMayrim.
For more episodes, visit theMayrim website at wwwmayrimorg.
(49:55):
Help us reach more people whomight benefit from this podcast.
If you know someone who couldfind it helpful, please share it
with them.
If you have questions orcomments for the speaker, or if
you'd like to suggest a guestfor the podcast, we'd love to
hear from you.
Email us atrelieffromgriefatmayrimorg.
We look forward to having youjoin us in the next episode.
Welcome to the Relief from Grief podcast, hosted by
Mrs Miriam Rebiet and brought toyou by Mayrim.
Mayrim is an organizationdedicated to supporting families
who have experienced the lossof a child.
It was founded by IloyNishmat's, nechama Liba and
Miriam Holman.
Despite her illness, miriamdevoted herself to addressing
(00:22):
the needs of parents andsiblings grappling with the
immense pain of losing a child.
She felt this loss deeply,having experienced it firsthand
when her older sister, nechamaLiba, passed away.
Mehrim continues to uplift andexpand on the work Miriam began,
a mission carried forward byher parents with great
dedication.
(00:43):
If you have any questions orcomments for the speaker, or if
you'd like to suggest a guestfor the podcast, please email us
at relieffromgrief at mayrimorg.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Hi everybody.
Thank you so much for joiningme here today in the Relief from
Grief podcast.
I am very honored that MayaNamder is joining us today.
Maya is from Great Neck and shehas a story to share, so thank
you so much, maya, for coming on.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Okay, I know your story went viral and probably
most people, or many people, Ishould say know of your story,
but they might not know thatyou're the owner of the story.
I guess if you could tell us alittle bit about what happened
on that awful night.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
So it was December 11 of 2021.
My 15 year old daughter was at.
She was at the camp Sternberg'sreunion party, which was out in
the Woodm, the Five Towns area.
It was Motsi Shabbat.
I had spoken to her MotsiShabbat when Shabbat was out.
(01:51):
She was actually for Shabbat.
She went to her friend's housein order to be able to make it
to the Sternberg reunion,because we live in Great Neck
and it's quite a schlep.
So on Friday, when she left thehouse, I kissed schlep.
So on friday, when she left thehouse, I kissed her goodbye.
She had her duffel bag and shewent to school.
Actually, I'm going to tell yousomething a little bit crazy.
I've shared it before, butevery time I share it I'm like
(02:15):
that's like insane.
It's very hard for me to likeshare that little detail, but I
feel like I should always besharing it.
So le Liel was very, very, very, very excited to go to this
reunion.
It was like a buildup ofexcitement.
You know, for that night sheloved Camp Sternberg and the
night before, thursday night,she was packing her bag.
(02:38):
She was like choosing outfits.
She was figuring it out withher friends, she was FaceTiming
her friends what she should wearfor friday night, shabbat day,
and then for the party.
And then all of a sudden shecame into my room like very
overwhelmed with like emotionsand she was crying.
Leo was always a very sensitive,sensitive girls, very sensitive
(03:02):
and I said, leo, what's wrong?
She said I want to go forShabbat.
I said okay, and I said so,don't go, I'll take you to the
party.
We'll say Shabbat, she goes.
No, but my friends are comingin from Canada for their reunion
.
We're planning to stay togetherfor Shabbat at my friend's
house and if I don't go they'regoing to be disappointed.
(03:23):
So I said, so, go, and she waslike, but I don't really, and if
I don't go they're going to bedisappointed.
So I said, so, go, and she waslike, but I don't really want to
go, I don't want to be awayfrom home for Shabbat, which I
was a little bit like taken backbecause of how excited she was
beforehand.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
But something in the past Was this her first time
going away besides from campgoing away.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
No, she would go to friends.
I mean, leo loves home, sheloved shabbat at home.
She she's just, she's a girlthat loved her bed and loved to
be home and my cooking and sheappreciated it.
And she would walk in onfridays.
She's like, oh, the housesmells so good and she would
come and check the pots, likeshe was very connected to home
(04:02):
and, um, it wasn't like weirdthat she said it.
I was just like, but you wereso excited and I didn't want to.
Something inside me also didn'tpush her and I kind of let her
make her own decision.
So that Thursday night and Isaw how overwhelmed she was and,
knowing how excited she was, Iwasn't being like, oh, come on,
just go, you'll have fun.
(04:23):
And I didn't say, then don comeon, just go, you'll have fun.
And I didn't say, then don't go, stay home.
I didn't do any of that.
I said to her okay, do thisjust so you can be relaxed.
And like, calm down right nowI'm like pack up your duffel bag
for Shabbat, knowing thatyou're not going for Shabbat.
Like I'll take you Saturdaynight, pack your bag, have it
(04:45):
ready, take it with you toschool, knowing you're coming
home, okay, and in case youchange your mind in school, at
least the duffel bag is with you, so you'll schlep it back home.
Big deal?
I said, just take it in casesomething happens and you change
your mind, but otherwise justcome home.
(05:06):
What's the big deal?
I'll drive you Saturday night.
And then she called me afterschool and I totally remember
like her excitement.
She's like Ima, I just wantedto tell you that I'm totally
fine, I'm okay, don't worry, andI'm staying here for Shabbat,
so excited to be with my friend.
I'm like okay, enjoy Shabbat Sh.
So excited to be with my friend.
I'm like okay, enjoy Shabbat.
Shalom, you're such a goodmother.
(05:26):
You know Liel was always verysensitive and I couldn't.
I kind of learned how to helpher, help me, help her cope with
those little anxieties that sheshe always had, that she was
very sensitive to others.
Sometimes I would see hercrying.
(05:46):
It was because her friend wasupset over something and I would
she was just sensitive to tothe world.
Wow, um.
And it was just crazy because Ididn't expect that from her
Thursday night, since she was soexcited for the Sternberg
reunion.
And then that's it.
So she went for Shabbat.
She called me before Shabbat tosay Shabbat Shalom.
And also another crazy thingthat happened that Friday night
(06:10):
my younger son wasn't home.
Also for Shabbat, he went to afriend's house.
So it was just me, my husbandand my older daughter and my
older son, and it was kind ofboring.
It was just four of us aroundthe table and first of all, liel
would be the one that alwayssets the table for Shabbat and I
asked my son to do it.
(06:30):
He did a very backward job.
Yes, I could imagine.
So when we came to sit down andeat.
So my daughter commented to myson she's like, oh gosh, you set
the table.
You can totally feel that Lielis not here, because liel
usually sets the table forshabbat.
Wow, and then after that theywere just like hanging out.
(06:51):
And then they said to eachother could you imagine, like we
didn't have other siblings andit was just us?
Like how boring our shabbatswould be.
Like, oh my god, like these arelike little tiny details of
like the night before and twonights before.
That I try to block and avoid,but it definitely.
(07:14):
It like, just feels as if, likesomething inside deep down our
neshamahs, as if it feltsomething, but we had no idea
what it, I don't know.
That was crazy.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
So comes Saturday night, liel calls me as soon as
Shabbat is out.
Actually we were FaceTimingeach other and I remember she
was like packing up her duffelbag, she was putting all her
stuff inside and she was soexcited to go to the reunion.
And then we were making planstogether for me to pick her up
on sunday.
So I said to her you know what,I'll let you sleep in a little
(07:48):
bit, I'll pick you up at 11o'clock.
I have parent-teacherconferences anyway early in the
morning, and then I'll come getyou.
And she said, okay, fine, seeyou sunday morning.
That was like our lastconversation, like see you
Sunday morning and that's it.
We all go to sleep, we're in bed.
I think it was around oneo'clock in the morning.
(08:11):
We're sleeping and the doorbellrings.
I remember jumping out of bedand quickly asking my husband
where is Emmanuel?
Saturday nights my son would goplay basketball at the local
gym over here and I had went tobed already.
So I woke up just thinking likedoorbell, like did Emmanuel not
get home?
Like nothing would have crossedmy mind, because two of my
(08:31):
other kids, leo and my other son, are sleeping at a friend's
house.
I'm like is Emmanuel like homeand he was like, yeah, yeah, he
came back a long time ago.
We both jumped and my husbandran to the window of our bedroom
and he was like two things thathe said.
He was like why are there somany hot seller cars outside?
(08:53):
And my husband's best friend isone of the hot seller guys.
He's like why is a Navit caroutside?
I always try to go back andremember what was going through
my head.
Those split six milliseconds.
My grandmother, alaya Shalom,always used to say that a
(09:16):
mother's the way we think, theway we worry about our kids and
we think bad things, which islike you wouldn't wish that on
your enemies.
Like this is us mothers.
We'll always think the worst.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Right.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
I can't remember, but I think in split seconds many
different stuff came to my headand I screamed.
I jumped down the stairs.
I don't know what I wasthinking.
I wasn't.
I was thinking maybe many crazystuff, but not that.
And as soon as my husbandopened the door, I mean from
that everything is kind of likea blur.
(09:50):
I just remember snippets oflike the guys, the hotel guys
saying accident, car, hospital,leo.
It was just like little wordsthat I was just hearing, but I
was already gone at this point.
I think I passed out fainted.
My other son passed outscreaming.
(10:11):
There was, just there, was.
I think this is what hell islike.
I think it was actually in theZohar, like it says something
that like a parent hearing thenews of like loss of a child is
like fourth level of life, butGehenna is like.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Really.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Yeah, I have to find the source of it.
I read it somewhere that it'slike it's like a level of
Gehenna in literal sense, likethat moment.
That moment is Gehenna, likeeverything.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
When they came, she was already not alive.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
They told my husband that she was gone.
She didn't make it.
From the blur stuff that Iremember, I'm going to share
very deep stuff because this iswhere we're heading.
Her third year of sight iscoming up.
It's exactly a week afterHanukkah, so I feel like I feel
(11:10):
a bit more comfortable sharingthis stuff.
But after like the fainting Idon't remember.
I remember nausea, I rememberwanting to throw up and then I
(11:35):
remember my husband asking thatwhile I am like losing it, my
husband is asking that sellerguys, how are the other girls
doing?
Wow, angry, and I startedhitting my husband and I was not
.
I like today I look at it likeI'm married to a very special
human, because who does thatright?
Right.
His concern was they're tellinghim his daughter just died in a
car accident and he's askingand how are the other ones?
(11:57):
The other girls weren't wellfine they were all, they were
not fine they were everybody,everybody was hurt.
I don't know exactly who washurt to what level.
I know one of the girls was inicu, one was just hospitalized,
the driver no, they had toresuscitate her.
(12:18):
They had to bring her back.
She had a bad head injury.
No, I mean they were not fine.
But I mean they were not fine.
But Hashem they're fine, butthey were not fine.
Right, and that's also anothercrazy part of it, that listen to
what I'm telling you now.
They were not fine, but Leahwas fine.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
But as a mother, what kind of what do you prefer?
The fine or the not?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
fine, no, no, but do you understand that what I'm
telling you like it doesn't makesense.
Liel was not hurt she wasn't,she wasn't physically hurt,
nothing broken, no blood,nothing, nothing nothing would
she die from so they had to putsomething right.
So they had so they called ittraumatic arrest, so it was from
(13:06):
the trauma yeah, that makes nosense, okay, I, I, I guess in a
way that helps no, but I'mtrying to say no, it doesn't
help in any sense, in anything.
It just makes it like, like, asif hashem came in and he was
like right that's what I saying.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
It helps the obviousness of like Hashem doing
this because it makes no sense.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
Yeah, I don't even know what to call it, I don't
even know how to explain it, butlike that was one thing that
was just like.
That doesn't make sense.
And then when the police cameto do like a little bit of an
investigation to see whathappened with the accident and
they saw from surveillancecameras they saw like the
speeding of the drunk driver.
(13:49):
It was a drunk driver that hitthe car.
When they saw the surveillancecamera they're like this kind of
accident, that speed of thedrunk driver, the way he hit the
car.
There should have been nosurvivors in the car.
If there were to be survivors,it should have only been Liel,
(14:11):
because she sat in the safestspot in the car, like there
should have not been survivorsfor that kind of accident.
And now it's the opposite theyall survived and liel, that sat
in the safest seat didn'tsurvive.
They all got hurt.
Liel was not hurt physically.
(14:32):
Her body, there was nothingbroken, there was no lungs, like
nothing.
Every she was, she wasperfection.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
She was just with her eyes closed and wow, oh my gosh
, that is really spooky onesecond.
But I have a question to askyou like, do you ever like?
Do you ever get angry?
Then like, why?
Like, look, why was she theonly one?
Is that too personal?
Speaker 3 (14:55):
no, no, no.
I just wanted to tell you Idon't have time to be angry.
I need to bring my child back,I need to bring mashiach, I need
to bring geula back, I need tobring Mashiach, I need to bring
Geula, I need the Tchiat HaMetimnow.
So I don't have time to beangry, like I'm dealing only
with this.
My anger is not bringingMashiach, my anger is not
(15:16):
bringing Geula and my anger isnot bringing back my child.
My child will come back withTchiat HaMetim.
So and that's my focus, so Idon't have time for anger I said
to her when that will happen,because Hashem promised that.
Hashem promises tchiat hametim.
He promises, not me.
I didn't promise it.
I'm not making this stuff up.
It's written.
(15:36):
We daven three times a day andwe say tchiat hametim and we
pray for Tzipita Leishua and wepray for Moshiach and Tzemach
David and we pray for it.
So I did not make it up.
It's in the book and I believein Hashem, so it's going to
happen.
So I'm going to expedite it.
That's my job.
I don't have time for anger.
I said to her later, whenTzikathim happens and Moshiach
(15:59):
comes and I'm a little bit likeokay, this was done, then I'm
going to go to Hashem and belike well, now I'm angry with
you, like why did you put methrough that?
So she started laughing andshe's like you know, you're like
, you're not normal.
And I said what I went throughis not normal.
So of course I'm not normal andI don't know if some I don't
(16:22):
know if it was anger there wasquestions of like why?
But that?
Why it's very, very fast, atthe very fast, turned into what
I didn't say for a while, forvery long.
Okay, so I have a question toask you.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Okay, so this is the question that me and Mr Glenn
Holman.
I used to argue with him allthe time.
For the listeners that don'tknow, Mr Holman is the founder
of NARIM.
Okay, so I have this bookcoming out.
Right, we talked about it.
It's called Forever in OurHearts.
It's for parents that lostchildren.
So he was the clinical editorof it.
So I used to tell him that ifsomeone is talking like the way
(17:02):
you're talking, it's denial.
It's going to end up affectingthem.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
Oh, yes, I had that.
My family was concerned aboutme.
How do you know that?
It's not how?
Speaker 2 (17:12):
do you know?
Look, looking at your face, youlook like, really like sincere.
So I want to believe that youare.
I do believe that you are, butagain, for the listeners that
might not be seeing your face,like how can we tell them that?
No, this is really like you're.
You're real, like you worked onthis, and this is not denial,
but it's coming from a realplace first of all, I want to
say that what I feel is not it'snot constantly always there.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Sometimes it does fizzle out a little bit and I
have to quickly work on myselfto get back there, because the
feeling of me fizzling away fromthat is very scary.
Like I'm, I'm very, very scaredto be in that dark place.
Like I'm not I I'm, I'm anaturally I was always naturally
(17:57):
a very positive person Like I,I'm naturally, like I was always
like that.
Like no, I love to be withSimcha and I love to be happy,
and like that was verychallenging for me and I had to,
like how do you take such asituation and not be like I want
to be positive about this?
The only way was with Hashemand just to say, like I want to
(18:22):
say something.
This is the ultimate test ofEmunah and bitachon.
I know like there's othermothers that are listening to me
that might think I'm crazy, but, bottom line, I am surviving
because of my kukunis, ofdepending on Hashem and emunah
and bitachon.
(18:42):
You can call me crazy and I'mtaking it as the biggest
compliment of life.
It's fine, Call me whatever youwant.
To call me Too positive, crazy.
I'm in a bubble.
Like my bubble will burst.
Call me, whatever you call me.
I was even called before MrsMashiach Like, call me whatever
you want to call me, Bring it on, I'll take it.
(19:02):
Nothing phases me.
I have built such a shield oflike Hashem I am.
I've worked on it and I stillwork on it.
It's daily work.
I literally Hashem sits herewith me.
So when I'm sad, when I feeldark, I turn to him and I tell
him I said fix it, I'm crazy.
I say fix it, fix it.
(19:23):
A lot of times you know I waslike fix it, I'm crazy.
I say fix it, fix it.
A lot of times.
You know I'll have like my closefriends, I think, or whatever.
Just like people.
They'll just be like why don'twe see you cry?
Don't you ever cry?
Do you cry?
Oh, I cry.
I'm like I cry a lot.
You don't even know how much Icry.
I get mad at boxes of tissuesand water 'm like I do.
I cry.
My pillow would be soaking wet.
(19:45):
I don't need to cry to people.
I cry to Hashem because I knowmy tears.
When I direct them to Hashem,they become holy tears and I
know he collects my tears and Iknow that everything that I feel
in my pain and everything thatI ask and I beg for.
I know now it's like goingtowards something meaningful.
(20:06):
I can go cry to my friends andfamily and then I'll be just
like a Nebuchadnezzar.
I don't need that.
I'm not a Nebuchadnezzar, I'mnot.
I'm not.
I was picked and chosen byHashem.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
So was your level of connection always this strong?
It sounds like you must havebeen always working on it and
this just made it stronger.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
No, I'm gonna tell you I should really like, you
know, like the saying that it'slike hasham, like test those
that he loves.
You know, I beg him to likefall out of love with me.
I've been challenged throughmany different challenges in my
(20:48):
life, a lot since I was in myteenage years, and, like I've
been through many challenges,not like this extreme, but every
time I've been throughsomething hard.
Yeah, I did find myself at theend of the day.
Turning to Ashton, I would havetried other things, other
(21:08):
options, other directions, andeven with this, I was in therapy
at the beginning.
I was also medicated at thebeginning and I was like, okay,
the medication doesn't help,because when it wears off it
hurts and I don't want to bemedicated all the time, because
every time I would be medicatedI just wanted to sleep the whole
(21:28):
time.
I would literally sleep in themiddle of the day.
It made you tired, it made mevery tired.
Okay, regardless, I'm alwaystired.
That emotion and this pain thatyou carry is exhausting, and
falling asleep just disconnectsyou from the pain of this world.
So I sleep a lot, meaning Icould.
I don't sleep a lot, sorry, butI love to sleep.
(21:49):
I have no issues falling asleepat night.
I'm not one of those peoplethat has a hard time.
I have a very easy timedisconnecting and just falling
asleep, because that's when youdon't feel the pain, you know.
So you know I didn't want tocontinue to be medicated.
I I wanted to have my energyback.
I couldn't do it on meds and Iwent to therapy for quite a
(22:09):
while and I was like not thatlong, because it's not even
three years yet.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Let's just put that out there.
If someone needs therapy forthree years or five years or
eight years, like it's okay.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
I did therapy, maybe for like six months after, okay,
and I was dreading.
I was dreading it.
I was doing it because that'swhat I was told to do, right,
and that was by the book andthat was the best thing for me.
And like you need to be intherapy, you might need to be
medicated, you might likeeverything was there's.
There's the you know I don'tknow where I was reading it but
(22:39):
also the therapist.
I mean, like there's the whole,like uh, process and the steps
of grief.
First, first you're angry,first you're this, and like
everything, who says we have tobe in the box or in the book?
You know, like losing a childis not by the book, that's not
even natural.
Like it's not, it's not by thebook.
A parent is not meant to bury achild.
So don't give me process ofgrieving.
(23:00):
And you know, and with thetherapist, I won't point, I
promise you, I was doing therapyto my therapist, like she would
.
She was getting like when isour next session?
Like she just wanted to hear me, like I was giving her chazuk.
I'm like I don't need this.
I, I, I just I felt like Iwasn't, not that therapy didn't
(23:22):
put me in the right place.
That's not what my neshamaneeded.
It's not what I needed, neededa deep connection and
understanding of where is mychild?
Is she okay?
What do I need to do?
And if there's really such athing as Moshiach, I need proof
(23:42):
and evidence.
When is Moshiach coming?
And then, when is the firstpart of Tichyat HaMetim?
Will Liyel be a part of it?
And that was what was importantto me.
So I started studying that.
I literally own every Moshiachbook that you can think of.
I'm not just people can call mecrazy and I was called crazy at
(24:03):
the beginning and I'm totallyfine with that and people still
waiting for my bubble to burst.
But I study and learn aboutMashiach, about the days of
Mashiach, about the world, fromlike the existence till the end.
Whether people like it or not.
I'm sorry to break it to you.
We are in the end of days.
It's written.
(24:24):
It's not me I'm crazy andthat's fine.
I'm not making up stuff.
It's all in the books, it's allin the Torah, it's all in
Nebuah, it's all.
It's all there.
Tchiata Metim is not a made up,it's going to happen.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
So let me ask you one again.
When I was discussing titlesfor my book, so we settled on
forever in our hearts, butsomeone kind of gave us this
title it's going to happen.
So let me ask you one again.
When I was discussing titlesfor my book, so we settled on
forever in our hearts, butsomeone kind of gave us this
title, which it was like a cutehop, I guess, but not something
we would have used because itjust didn't fit really, but it
was.
He said something like see you,when Mashiach comes, and one of
the issues we had was that butthat's not even true, it's, it's
when Tachias HaMesim comes.
(25:01):
So do you know like how much?
When is Tachias HaMesim?
It's not right after Mashiachcomes.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
So it's like this.
So in some books I've beenreading that when Mashiach comes
, when Mashiach is revealed,whenever Mashiach comes and we
accept him as Mashiach, becausethey say that when Mashiach
comes, some people will notaccept him as Mashiach.
Some people will not accept himas Mashiach.
They're going to say, no, that'snot Mashiach Really, and, yeah,
not everyone are going to be onthe same page, but Mashiach, he
(25:30):
has certain things that he hasto prove that he's Mashiach, and
one of them is the rebuildingof the Beit Hamikdash Like that
has to happen.
There's certain things thatMashiach needs to do in order to
prove that he's Mashiach andnot everyone is going to fall
for it.
And then it says that whenMashiach comes, he comes and
it's like the first part ofTchiat HaMeti.
(25:51):
And then it says who's in thatfirst part of Tchiat HaMeti?
And then there's TkufatHaMashiach.
Then there's the 40 years, the40 years period of Mashiach,
where in that 40 year period Idon't know if that's at the end
of the 40 year there is anothertriatomiteim.
(26:12):
So there's like two parts to itand kids are in the first part
yay, okay, that's interesting.
I never like, I never heard thatit's listen, it's in the books,
like I'm not, I'm not.
I keep saying I'm like nothingthat's interesting.
I never heard that.
Listen, it's in the books.
I keep saying I'm not making upstuff, I know nothing.
And for me all of this was abig chedush.
(26:33):
And then, the more I wasreading, the more I was so
thirsty for it.
The knowledge that I wasgaining was giving me hope Like
my gosh.
Wait a minute.
If Hashem created the world foronly 6,000 years, meaning to do
, the world has to be in atikkun within the 6,000 years.
We are in the year 5,784, 216years from the end.
(26:58):
But tchiat hametim needs tohappen already, 210 years before
, and Mashiach needs enough time, 40 years.
Like there's a lot ofkhashbonot that goes here and
I'm like we're so close.
We're so close like I'm notmaking it out.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
I promise you okay, I just feel like okay, so I'm
being perfect from now on,because I don't know when he's
coming.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
So I'm listening, let's just like only be perfect,
right, like, no more veiros,it's too scary, not if Mashiach
is like coming tomorrow or todaystill, and I want to tell you I
so again, I don't know ifyou're gonna regret doing this
because, like you're gonna seenow how crazy I am, I don't
think you're crazy, okay, fine,maybe it takes one to know one I
don't know.
(27:38):
But I have those mornings thatit's very hard for me to get out
of bed.
I just feel like I can't do theday, and the way I get myself
out of bed is reminding myselfthat today Mashiach might come.
And the reason I get out of mypajamas and I get dressed
because I want to be dressedwhen Mashiach comes.
(27:58):
I am so invested in thisMashiach that my dress is by my
closet.
I have a few options.
I have a luggage in my den, Ihave my tambourines ready and I
get up in the morning I'm liketoday might be the day.
Today might be the day.
I need to be ready, I need tobe dressed and your husband is
like you in all your thoughtprocesses.
(28:20):
He is, and sometimes, when he alittle bit falls off which
happens to me all the time, Igive it to him I'm like what are
you doing?
Meshach is coming.
You can't do that and he'll belike you're right.
Okay, we're both crazy, butlike we both, like you know,
whenever I feel like down alittle bit, like he'll remind me
(28:41):
.
It's like you're preachingMashiach all day long.
You can't be like that and I'mlike you're right, you're right,
people are counting on me, likeI'm bringing Mashiach.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
So nice, because very often in such a case the you
know, the parents could be soopposite.
It's so nice that you're reallyon the same page.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
Because what else is there?
Mashiach is the only hope.
Mashiach is the only solution.
What would end our pain andsuffering?
Mashiach, there's nothing else.
Medicine is not going to takeit away, therapy is not going to
take it away.
Nothing is going to take itaway, I know.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
But imagine if someone is listening to this and
they're hearing what you'resaying and they're like you know
what?
She's right.
I'm going to change my attitude.
I'm going to, I'm going tofocus on Mashiach, the way she's
focusing on it, and I'm goingto get my husband on board.
And then she goes to herhusband and says, okay, we're
not going to be in such painanymore, or maybe we're going to
still be in pain, but this isgoing to be our new focus and
this is what we're going to.
He might say to her like you're, you're crazy and you do what
(29:35):
you want, but I'm sure thatthere's many cases of that.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
That's, you know, one spouse is on a journey alone I
have not yet met.
You know we had the May RainRetreat, like last month, and
any parent that I spoke to aboutMoshiach, like both parents,
were on board yeah, grievingparents I don't.
I mean, I have not met anyonewho's you know, and I just feel
like it doesn't happen.
Like, oh, I have not met anyonewho's no, and I just feel like
(30:04):
it doesn't happen.
Like, oh, I'm listening to Maya.
She's so positive, she's intoMashiach, I'm going to do it too
.
I worked on this Like Iliterally like anytime there's
like a new book that comes out,my husband will be like, oh my
gosh, it's a new Mashiach book.
I'm like, get it, order it.
Right now, everything has stickynotes and bookmarks and I jot
notes for nobody, for myself,that when I feel down, I go back
(30:26):
, I open the book and I see mynotes.
This is what keeps me going.
So whoever is out therelistening to me and they're lost
and they're in this pain andthey want to look for hope,
mashiach is the solution.
But it's not just the mindset,because it's very hard to just
(30:46):
shift your mindset when you haveso much pain inside.
It's to really learn it,understand it, let it soak in,
process it.
It's a lot of information andthere's a lot of information out
there to understand that we arethe end of days.
Mashiach will come, there willbe Tchiat HaMetim there will be.
(31:09):
Our children will come back andI keep telling parents I think
I'm crazy.
When they look at me, they'relike she's nuts and I'm like I
keep telling this to you.
Don't get surprised when yousee your child is back.
Your child will be back.
And then they're like, okay,she's not.
I'm like, okay, it will happen.
We'll see who was the crazy one.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Wow, wow.
Do you like hear what happenedto the drunk driver, or like
it's so not part of your story,like it doesn't matter, like
it's not really relevant to you?
Speaker 3 (31:43):
That's not what you're focused on.
It's not what I'm focused on.
Like Baruch Hashem, she's nolonger in rehab, in danger.
She's back at home with herchildren.
They also need to work on a lotof no.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
I mean the drunk driver, what it was, a front
person.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Sorry, I thought you were talking about the driver of
the car, the drunk driver.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
sorry, I thought you're talking about the driver
of the car, the drunk driver.
Okay, I'm gonna share somethingcrazy with you.
You became his best friend orsomething.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
You're making him jewish when, um so basically,
the accident whatever, let'sjust say that like this entire
like lawsuit is from the stateand it's from the county and
it's like it there was a childhere that died like it's like
coming from very differentdirections different lawyers
(32:30):
involved, different court dates,different like a lot of uh
stuff besides insurances.
It's like it's a lot of layersand from the beginning, I think
it was like after the solution,when we came back and people
were excited to come in and Isaw my husband was getting
overwhelmed with it and I saidto my husband, I said, listen,
(32:51):
oh, I needed to go to thelawyer's office.
We needed to go sign somepapers for the insurance.
I don't remember exactly whatit was.
So I said to my husband I'mcoming to the lawyer's office
and that will be the only timethat I'm coming to my husband
saying I'm coming to thelawyer's office and that will be
the only time that I'm coming.
And it would be to sign my nameoff from anything that has to do
with this accident.
I have nothing to do with this,I don't want to be a part of
(33:12):
this, not at the loss, nothing,I'm just take my name off and,
yes, they thought I was crazy.
Now, if you really want to callme crazy, I'll justify my
craziness you can really call mecrazy.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Well, why did you want to take it off?
Speaker 3 (33:27):
Because I said, and again, I'm crazy.
Okay, so it's fine for me tosay this.
The whole world can know I'mcrazy.
It's not the drunk driver whotook my daughter's life.
It's not him, he's a nobody.
He was just a bitter shaliachthat was there.
This is, my chashbon is not witha drunk driver.
(33:49):
I really care less.
My chashbon is with Hashem.
My chashbonot is with Hashem.
It's between me and him.
It was Hashem handpicked me andhe handpicked my daughter and
all my chashbonot are withHashem.
I really can care lesshandpicked.
My daughter and all myhashbonot are with Hashem.
I really can care less aboutthe drunk driver.
I can care less about the case.
(34:09):
So I wasn't involved at all.
And this is already almost.
We're almost at three years andI didn't know this because my
husband been keeping everythingaway from me, not because he's
keeping it away from me, becauseI'm like I don't, I'm not, I
have nothing to do with it.
So a while back he was keepingit to himself.
Basically, drunk driver waslike out on bail with like court
(34:38):
dates, like pending coming up.
He didn't show up to a veryimportant court date and then
basically the drunk driver haddisappeared, he escaped, he ran
off.
He was gone, missing.
He didn't show up to court andnobody knew where he was.
And then he became crazybecause there was no case.
Um, and my husband was so takenback by this and upset, and one
(35:00):
day he came to me in tears andhe was like I've been keeping
this away from you for so longbut you don't understand.
Like that guy ran off and likehe didn't show up to court and
there's no case, and I looked athim and I'm like so he's like
what do you mean?
So I'm like he can run, thisbitter guy can run for the rest
of his life and hide.
Who is he hiding from?
(35:21):
Hashem knows where he's at,trust rest of his life and hide.
Who is he hiding from?
Hashem knows where he's at,trust me, he is bitter for the
rest of his life.
For the rest of his life he'sthe most bitter person.
Hashem will find him and givehim whatever he needs to get.
I am not concerned about that.
I don't need him in court tofeel that you know, we got
revenge.
He'll get his revenge fromHashem and he doesn't even need
(35:43):
revenge.
This poor guy was picked byHashem to be that evil person to
do this.
I don't care.
And my husband was just like no, you know, you really are like
cuckooing like a good way,because that's making me feel
better.
I'm like okay, good.
And after a week my husband waslike good news, they found him.
I'm like I told you I was likenuts.
(36:04):
Those things don't faze me.
It does not faze me, you reallydon't care at all.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
I can't even like.
Wait, maybe in general you'renot a curious person Like you
don't care about I am.
Speaker 3 (36:17):
Oh, if you would know me, I am.
I don't know, mariel, I justwant to say I got to a place.
I can tell you that I got to aplace.
That took time.
I got to a place.
I'm going to share somethingwith you.
I actually shared it at like mylast, like speaking events.
(36:39):
Okay, I was sharing, I saidthat Hashem broke me.
He broke, he broke my heart,and I said I look at it as a
gift.
I said I was gifted the gift ofa broken heart from hashem and
I was saying you know when aheart breaks, right now, there's
all the cracks, right, and youknow the saying how, now,
(37:00):
through the cracks, that's whenthe light comes in and that's
when hashem can come in.
So, now that I said that, nowthere is this japanese art
called kintsugi.
I don't know if I'm pronouncingit correctly, but they take
broken pottery and they glue itback together with gold enamel
(37:21):
and it becomes the mostbeautiful, magnificent piece.
Okay, okay.
So in Japanese, kintsugi meansto bind with gold.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (37:30):
And there there are theory behind it that you can
take anything that's broken andmake it more beautiful and
stronger than before.
And that is exactly whathappens with a broken heart.
It's broken, but then when youbind it not with the golden
amulet, it's basically Hashem.
When you bind your heart withHashem, when His light just sits
(37:52):
there inside and it's holdingyour heart, you're unbreakable.
Nobody can touch you, nobodycan break you.
You become unbreakable and thatis a gift.
It's a gift.
Not everyone has a broken heartand not everyone is able to
bind their heart together withHashem.
(38:12):
Meaning I say, hashem, youbroke my heart, you fix it, you
glue it back together and whenyou let Hashem do that and he's
the one holding it, your heartcan never break.
I don't care about this drunkdriver, hashem is holding me,
he's holding my heart.
I'm unbreakable.
I'm not going to go throughthese emotions.
Yes, I do cry, yes, I do breakdown from tears because I miss
(38:34):
my daughter so badly when Ithink of Liel and her smile and
her laughter and her giggles.
I miss her so much, laughterand her giggles.
I miss her so much.
But I have full emunah thatHashem knew what he was doing
when he did this and he pickedme out and he picked me and I am
where I am supposed to be in mylife right now, like this
(38:56):
broken person.
That's who I'm supposed to be,and I have a job and I have a
mission and Moshiach is comingand like that's that's who I am
and that is my life, frommorning till night, from 6am
when I get up.
It's that till I go to bed.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
Wow, no, it's, it's, it's really it's, it's.
It's just amazing.
I don't know, it's justincredible.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
It's.
You know, it's what I said toyou at the beginning, where,
after a very short period, mywhy really turned into what it
really did.
I stopped saying why, why, why,why, and it was like, okay,
what, what does Hashem want forme?
What do I need to do?
And I didn't need to put somuch hard work into it.
Hashem, right away, showed mewhat he wanted me to do Right
(39:43):
away, like literally directmessages, and I feel like my job
is to spread.
I call it Leo's light becauseshe inspires me every day and I
don't want to look at Leo assomething dark and tragic.
I want to look at her as light,shining bright and bringing
(40:04):
light into the world, and sheinspires me every single day.
So for me it's like I haveLeo's light and I want to share
Leo's light with the world andobviously bring Moshiach
awareness.
And knowing that the morepeople are in tune with this
(40:26):
whole Moshiach and they yearnthe yearning, the wanting
Moshiach, I feel like that'slike hastening the process.
So that's my job.
I'm like I want to bringMoshiach faster.
We've got to make more Moshiachawareness and give this
yearning to people.
I want people to yearn it andwant it and I say unfortunately.
(40:46):
It's really unfortunate, becauseHashem wants the yearning from
us and he's not getting it fromall of us.
We're still like, but why?
And this and that, and thedrunk driver, and the court,
hashem is like you're missingthe point.
You're missing the point.
That's not your mission here.
You need to want me, you needto want Mashiach, and I'm here
(41:07):
to redeem you.
I want to redeem you, but askfor it.
So who asks for it?
Who asks for Mashiach Broken?
Speaker 2 (41:19):
hearts, broken hearts , exactly Broken hearts, broken
hearts.
Speaker 3 (41:21):
Broken hearts, exactly Broken hearts.
So we've had, unfortunately,too many broken hearts this past
year, like we're living incrazy times and a lot of broken
hearts.
And all these broken hearts notall, most are turning to Hashem
(41:44):
and they're crying and they'rebegging for Moshiach.
And I see it when I watch thefunerals in Israel, whether of
hostages that they end upbringing back or soldiers that
we end up losing, you know, inGaza and Lebanon, and you see
these mothers are burying theirchildren and they're screaming
(42:08):
to Hashem enough, bring usMashiach now.
And that's what Hashem wantsand unfortunately, he needs to
break us.
And I just want to bring thisawareness like we don't have to
be broken.
We can do it without beingbroken but it's much harder.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
It's just much harder .
You know, like you said, it isthe broken heart that turns to
hashem and we'll scream formashiach.
That's just, unfortunately, howit goes.
I don't know, honestly.
You know I've been broken alsoso many times and sometimes I
wonder so, like I should reallywant Mashiach, do I, like I
don't yearn for him the way, theway any Jew should?
(42:49):
But especially if, like I'vebeen through so many like
tragedies in my life, like, whyam I not so much more focused on
Mashiach?
Speaker 3 (42:57):
because I feel like there's also a lot of people
associate Mashiach with a lot offear.
They're scared.
You know I was saying up untilbefore the accident I didn't
care for Moshiach and it's notlike I had the most perfect life
.
I've been through manychallenges in my life but it was
like why do I need Moshiach?
Like we're fine, I'm married,my children they're in school,
(43:17):
whatever, we're working hard,we're not poor, hard, we're not
poor, we're not rich, we're not,we're nothing, we're just
living our life like that's it,like that's how it's supposed to
be.
Like why do I need now mashiachto go and interrupt my life
right now?
Like that's not the purpose oflife, to just go on and just be
comfortable and like you know,we need to understand we are
(43:39):
living in galut, we live inphysical galut out of eric's
trial, but orton is also ineric's trial.
They live in galut.
We live in physical galut outof eric's trial, but orton is
also in eric's trial.
They live in galut.
We need to understand that thisis the purpose of our life is
not work, parnasa, pay foryeshiva, look pretty on the
holidays, get good outfits foryour kids, and like that's not
(43:59):
the purpose.
We're missing.
We're missing what's going onhere.
That is not our mission.
Our mission here is to, firstof all, to connect, to connect
Hashem, to feel Him, to yearnHim, to want Him the same
yearning that we want for thehostages we keep screaming bring
them back home.
It's bring Hashem back home.
(44:20):
Hashem has not been in His homefor over 2,000 years.
Like, why are we not screamingfor Hashem?
Bring him back home.
It's.
We all need to understandreally what our mission here is
in this world, and I thinkthat's the reason why I'm not
fazed by results from court andthis, because that's not my
(44:41):
mission, that's not what I'msupposed.
Fazed by results from court andthis, because that's not my
mission, that's not what I'msupposed to be dealing with,
it's not.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Unbelievable, really.
I'm so, so inspired.
I'm so happy that you came onto this podcast and I feel like
this is such a just, beautifulplace to end.
But I do want to, before we doend, I guess I kind of want to
ask if there's anything moreimportant or equally important
that we missed that you want tosay.
Speaker 3 (45:09):
I want to say that if there's any mother, father,
parents out there thatunfortunately lost a child and
they're listening to me I don'twant anyone to feel that I don't
even know what to use, theright words, that pressure, that
like, oh, if Maya is like thisand that's her view on life, or
take on life and that's hermindset, that's how I should be.
(45:30):
I just want to say that I amdefinitely not.
I am not where I am today.
I was not here last year andnot the year before.
I was not here last year andnot the year before.
Like when you're broken, you'reconstantly evolving and
changing.
I wasn't like this from thebeginning.
(45:51):
I knew I didn't want to be inthe dark side.
Therefore, I worked on myselfto get to where I.
I don't even know where I'mtrying to get to, but where I am
today.
That is hard, hard, hard workwe're talking about every day,
constantly, and reminders Hashemloves me, hashem cares for me,
(46:14):
hashem knows what I'm goingthrough.
Salvation will come soon and Ihang on to it.
I read a lot of books, I studythem, I take notes, I listen to
Shireen, I work on myself, work,work, work on myself all the
time to get to where I need toget.
It's like you're in school, youcan't.
You need to show up, you needto be there, you need to study,
(46:36):
you need to like, you need to dothis in order to get there.
So if there's anyone that'slistening to me and I might be
feeling like, oh, I'm not in hermindset, how is she so strong
Because I do hear this a lot.
I get emails, I get messageslike, how are you so strong?
And I'm like, okay, I'm sohappy that you're seeing me as a
strong person I don't feel it.
I feel very broken and very rawon the inside and I'm happy
(46:59):
that the world is not seeingthat because that's private
between me and Hashem.
So I'm very happy that it's noton my outside face.
And what you're seeing on theoutside, it's a shield, it's
like Hashem's shield and I'mvery proud of it and I carry
Hashem very proud on my shouldereverywhere that I go and what
you're seeing, that's literallyHashem's shield protecting me
(47:22):
all the time, and you can see mecrying and laughing at the same
time.
I'm so good at doing that, bythe way.
Laugh, cry all together.
At the end of the day, I falland I pick myself up.
I have the days that I can'tget out of bed or get out later
on in the day.
Sometimes I feel slower,sometimes I can't cook,
sometimes I can't do do things.
(47:43):
I'm not perfect.
I'm not this strong person inthis world.
I'm not.
I just don't want to be thatnebuch person in the dark.
I don't want people feelingpity for me.
Don't feel pity for me.
I'm on a mission with Hashemand he picked me and we're
partners and we're bringingMashiach.
Like that's how I look at itwow, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
It does make sense.
No, it's such an importantpoint, right?
I mean, it's so common toalways judge ourselves and to
judge ourselves against others.
And here, oh my gosh, look atthis mother and look what she
went through and look what she'sdoing.
Oh my gosh, I must be like thatalso.
And then it's like it's sodepressing if we're not, you
know, but like we each have ourown journey and you'll get to
where you have to go.
And I think the point of whatyou said is that you don't even
(48:29):
know where you want to go, butyou know that you want to go
somewhere All.
Speaker 3 (48:32):
I know is where I don't want to go.
I don't want to be there, soI'm going the other direction.
Where the other direction istaking me, I don't know.
But here I am.
This is where I am.
Do you get what I'm saying?
I don't know what that goal is,where I'm going to, I just know
(48:55):
where I don't want to go to.
I run the other way.
Speaker 2 (48:59):
Right, right, well also, you can't really stay in
one place.
There's no stagnating, it'seither up or down.
Speaker 3 (49:03):
No, we are evolving constantly.
If you would have spoken to melast year, you would be shocked.
You're like, she does not soundthe same, and before that, even
last month, two months ago.
I'm constantly changing, I'mconstantly evolving.
Also, I'm constantly learning,and I'm constantly learning new
things, things that inspire memore, so I become more, like,
(49:26):
more like aware, like, oh mygosh, oh, that happened, oh that
, oh, okay, let me listen tothis now and then it's like
everything is like mind opening.
Speaker 1 (49:33):
it's like I didn't even realize that okay, thank
you so so much for coming inthank you, miriam you've just
listened to an episode of theRelief from Grief podcast with
Miriam Riviet, brought to you byMayrim.
For more episodes, visit theMayrim website at wwwmayrimorg.
(49:55):
Help us reach more people whomight benefit from this podcast.
If you know someone who couldfind it helpful, please share it
with them.
If you have questions orcomments for the speaker, or if
you'd like to suggest a guestfor the podcast, we'd love to
hear from you.
Email us atrelieffromgriefatmayrimorg.
We look forward to having youjoin us in the next episode.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!