February 10, 2025 • 28 mins
Send me a Text Message. I'd love to hear from you.
Are you leading your restaurant, or is it leading you?
If you’ve ever felt like your leadership style is stretched too thin—trying to keep everyone happy while running a successful business—this episode is for you. I’m Christin Marvin, and today we’re diving into the people pleaser mindset and how it might be holding you back as a leader.
✔️ How childhood patterns shape your leadership approach
✔️ Why balancing accountability with empathy is the key to a thriving team
✔️ How to redefine job roles and performance expectations for long-term success
A special shoutout to our sponsor, Restaurant Technologies. Running a kitchen is chaotic enough—your cooking oil management shouldn’t add to the stress. Their Total Oil Management system helps restaurants automate oil handling, ensuring consistency, safety, and efficiency. Less waste, less hassle, and more time to focus on what truly matters—your team and guests. Visit Restaurant Technologies to learn how they can help streamline your operations!
And if you’re ready to take your leadership to the next level, let’s talk. Book a one-on-one coaching session with me to refine your management style, reduce stress, and build a team that thrives. Visit christinmarvin.com/contact to get started.
#TotalOilManagement #RestaurantTechnologies #LeadershipInRestaurants #HospitalitySuccess
P.S. Ready to take your restaurant to the next level? Here are 3 ways I can support you:
- One-on-One Coaching - Work directly with me to tackle your biggest leadership challenges and scale your operations with confidence. Learn more at christinmarvin.com
- Multi-Unit Mastery Book - Get the complete Independent Restaurant Framework that's helped countless owners build thriving multi-location brands. Grab your copy at https://www.IRFbook.com
- Group Coaching & Leadership Workshops - Join other passionate restaurant leaders in transformative group sessions designed to elevate your entire team. Details at christinmarvin.com
Podcast Production: https://www.lconnorvoice.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Are you a people pleaser?
Is your people pleaserleadership style getting in the
way of having toughconversations with your team or
leading you to resent them?
If so, stick around.
In today's episode, I willteach you how leading with a
people pleaser mindset in thehospitality industry can help
(00:29):
you be successful and teach youhow it's holding you back.
I'm also going to give youthree tips on how you can start
changing your leadership styleto one that's more productive.
That will lead to a moreefficient restaurant and impact
your overall mental health andwell-being.
Welcome to the RestaurantLeadership Podcast, the show
(00:53):
where restaurant leaders learntools, tactics and habits from
the world's greatest operators.
I'm your host, kristen Marvin,with Solutions by Kristen.
I've spent the last two decadesin the restaurant industry and
now partner with restaurantowners to develop their leaders
and scale their businessesthrough powerful one-on-one
coaching, group coaching andleadership workshops.
(01:16):
This show is complete withepisodes around coaching,
leadership development andinterviews with powerful
industry leaders.
You can now engage with me onthe show and share topics you'd
like to hear about leadership,lessons you want to learn and
any feedback you have.
Simply click the link at thetop of the show notes and I will
(01:38):
give you a shout out on afuture episode.
Thanks so for listening and Ilook forward to connecting.
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(02:01):
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(02:21):
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(02:42):
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(03:05):
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(03:27):
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In the hospitality leadershipworkshops I've recently held, I
often delve into the topic ofsaboteurs.
(03:48):
Now, saboteurs are, if you'renot familiar.
They are the thoughts thathinder our path to becoming more
successful leaders.
But, more importantly, they arethe thoughts that cause all of
our stress, all of our anxiety,all of our depression and
resentment.
These thoughts are saboteurs Italk a lot about and have
(04:11):
learned from my work studyingpositive intelligence and what I
call mental fitness.
But I have learned that thesethoughts were formed during
childhood in order to protect usfrom something.
It doesn't matter whatbackground you grew up in, if
you had a healthy childhood, ifyou had a traumatic childhood,
if you were an only child likemyself, if you had a lot of
(04:34):
siblings.
All of these thoughts wereformed and we all have these
saboteurs.
The hard thing about them issubconsciously.
A lot of us don't know thatthey're there and we keep these
thoughts with us as adults,although we no longer need them
to protect us from anything.
But they still have an impacton the way that we form
(04:56):
relationships, on the way thatwe show up as leaders and the
way that we make decisions.
There are nine of thesesaboteurs in total.
One is the controller, anotheris the avoider, there's the
victim, there's the hyperrational, there's the hyper
achiever, which is my number onehyper vigilant, the stickler or
(05:21):
the perfectionist and therestless.
But the one prevalent saboteurthat continually emerges,
especially within thehospitality industry and a lot
of the clients that I work with,is the people pleaser.
People pleasing leaders oftenseek acceptance and approval by
constantly assisting theirteammates, pleasing other people
(05:45):
or offering a lot ofcompliments.
People pleasers genuinelybelieve that putting others'
needs ahead of their own is thetrue mark of being a good person
.
Unfortunately, though, thisstyle, this leadership style,
frequently leads to feelings ofresentment, as these leaders
sense that they're being takenadvantage of.
(06:06):
Now I think back to the earlydays in my management career,
and a prime example of this wasworking really hard.
I've always been a reallyhands-on leader in the
restaurant industry, but therewere times early in my career
where I would find myselfworking so hard, running around
the dining room, running fromthe kitchen out to the front of
the house and back, and I wouldstop for a second to get a drink
(06:29):
of water or just take a breathand look around and realize that
I was working harder than someof the teammates in the room
Right and I'm sure some of youhave been there too so that was
a really good check-in for meand realization that I was
probably spending a lot of timeand energy where I didn't need
to be, and it took me some timeto understand how to really
(06:52):
perfect that, because I'vealways wanted to be hands-on.
I love being in the grit withthe team.
I love the volume and the buzzand the pace that you get from
the industry, but I had to learnthat I could still work and be
hands-on and interact with theguests and interact with the
team and do what I love.
But if I noticed that somebodywasn't working or doing
something that they needed to orthere was an area that needed
(07:13):
to be tended to, I learned todelegate over the years and
learn how to find that balance.
But it is definitely a journeythat takes time and a lot of
practice.
I personally, as a leader, haveoften faced challenges with
managing people pleasers,because I find that their teams
(07:38):
really are.
They love each other right,like people pleasers are.
They want to make people happy,they want to serve people.
They love making an impactright.
It's so common for so many ofus in the industry.
We believe that we were put onthis earth to serve, and that's
why we've chosen the industrythat we've chosen, and so these
(07:58):
leaders and their teams havebeen great.
They're happy, they're content,right, they get along with each
other, but I have found in myexperience that they often lack
development, and a number ofhigh-performing individuals that
these teams could have had, orthese leaders could have had,
(08:20):
due to the lack of coachingsupervised, would rather
prioritize being the nice guy orthe nice girl or the nice
manager, however you want to sayit, rather than holding their
(08:40):
teams accountable.
And that dynamic really has hada strain on my professional
relationships, and those havebeen some of the toughest
relationships that I've had inthe course of my career, and
some of the people that I'vereally, really struggled to
manage, and I really I'll talkabout this in a second but I
wish I would have had thesetools and resources that I know
of now, with these saboteurs, sothat I could have taught people
(09:03):
how to become more self-awareand how to manage these things,
which is what I get to do today,which is great, we know, though
, any of us that are, you knowany of you that are listening
and work in the business.
It's the restaurant business ischanging every single day,
which is what I love and whatmade me crazy about it, but that
means that there's ample roomfor opportunity with every
single shift right.
(09:24):
People pleaser managers, though, hesitate to provide that
coaching or recognize thosemoments or implement those new
systems, because they feel likeit might discomfort their teams
and they don't want to put toomuch pressure on them.
They fear that if they push toohard, that they're going to
jeopardize their relationshipswith their teammates.
(09:44):
And so this, really that youknow that fear of discomfort for
them and for the teampotentially really holds them
back from making the necessarychanges that they need to for
their business.
Hey there, podcast friends, Ihope you're enjoying these
impactful conversations andleadership insights I'm bringing
you each week.
(10:05):
Before we dive back into today'sepisode, I want to take a
moment and reach out and ask asmall favor.
That would go a long way insupporting the show.
If you've been loving thecontent I'm providing, please
take a moment to leave a ratingand review.
Wherever you listen to yourpodcasts, not only does it make
my day, but it also plays apivotal role in helping the show
(10:25):
grow.
Your reviews boost myvisibility, attract new
listeners and encourage excitingguests to join me on the mic.
So if you want to be part of myshow's growth journey, hit that
review button and let me knowwhat you think.
Thanks a million for beingawesome listeners.
So, like I said earlier, I wishthat I really would have had the
(10:49):
tools and knowledge aroundsaboteurs that I have today and
had access to the resources backthen, because I could have
supported these managers in sucha different way.
I unfortunately ended up firingthese people.
These are managers that Iworked with and it was
frustrating for me because Itruly had felt like I had done
(11:12):
everything that I could do in myskill set.
I was very clear with theexpectations.
I told them where they weren'tmeeting those expectations, but
I couldn't figure out what theunderlying issue was as to why
they couldn't coach their teamor they were choosing not to
coach their team.
I would have conversations withthem about players that needed
(11:33):
coaching, needed development.
We'd come up with a plan and Ican't remember if we ever talked
about okay, let's talk abouthow this coaching session is
going to go?
How can I set you up forsuccess here?
What do you need in order toprepare?
And so a lot of the time thoseconversations wouldn't have
taken place or didn't happen, orI was told that they had, which
(11:57):
obviously just impacted therelationship even further.
So again, if I'd had known aboutthe saboteur and especially the
people pleaser tendencies, thethoughts, the feelings, the
original survival functions ofthe people pleasers and why they
were formed, I could havehelped these managers understand
(12:17):
that they know well A.
I could have helped themunderstand how to recognize
these people pleaser thoughtswhen they would show up in their
mind.
I could have helped themunderstand how those thoughts
were informing their decisionsaround their team, how they were
managing their team, how theywere showing up.
And then I could have helpedthem understand and know and
have the empowerment that theycould make the decision as to
(12:40):
whether they wanted to listen tothat thought and have it impact
the next move that they weregoing to make with their team,
or if they wanted to trysomething different and get a
little bit uncomfortable andstart growing and changing their
mindset.
I think that with those tools Iwould have been able to offer
much more valuable guidance onhow those leaders could make
(13:00):
necessary adjustments andthereby setting them on a path
to future success, whichunfortunately didn't happen that
way.
So anyway, today I wanted toshare with you some of the
detrimental impacts that havinga people-pleasing leadership
style can have within therestaurant business, from high
employee turnover to burnout.
(13:22):
I'll shed some light on howthis approach can ultimately
drain your business's resourcesand hinderered success.
So here are several of the waysin which prioritizing others'
needs at the expense of your owncan have adverse effects on
your business.
The first one is reducedaccountability for leadership.
(13:43):
So in a people-pleasingleadership environment, leaders,
like I said earlier, may avoidmaking tough decisions or
implementing necessary changesto improve the restaurant's
operations.
One area I really found this tobe true was that people pleaser
leaders tended to hang on tolow performing people much, much
, much longer than they neededto, and it really impacted every
(14:06):
aspect of the business theteamwork, the productivity, the
sales, the guest experience allof it just because they were
fearful of having a toughconversation the stagnation,
basically because these leaderswould not have these tough
conversations.
What that can result in isstagnation and resistance to
(14:27):
change, which negatively impactsthe restaurant's
competitiveness andprofitability.
And you're working in anenvironment where you have a
chain restaurant environment,where you have multiple
locations that are all operatingunder the same umbrella.
Right, it's really easy tocompare apples to apples and see
(14:48):
how this leadership style isreally showing up.
This also can lead to employeesbeing really frustrated with
the lack of problem solving andthen ultimately start looking
for other jobs because they feellike they're not being
supported by their leaders.
So their leaders are great atlistening to their problems, but
they're not great atimplementing solutions to those
problems.
The second one is the high costof turnover.
(15:10):
So employees who work forpeople pleasers can become
really dependent on the leaders,which causes the leader to burn
out.
Right, the more toughconversations that the leaders
are avoiding, the more that theyare just doing the work to
compensate for those lowerperforming employees.
Right, it makes sense.
We know that employee turnoveris, especially in the restaurant
(15:32):
industry, is notoriouslyexpensive.
It costs around $5,000 toreplace an hourly employee and
around $14,000 for a manager.
That cost includes recruitmentcosts, training expenses, the
loss of productivity during atransition period with new hires
are brought up to speed, whichis usually 90 days.
(15:53):
Right, we know that before 90days of an employee being with
you.
You should not expect them toadd any value to your
organization.
It takes 90 days or 12 weeksfor someone to be comfortable in
their position, especially in amanagement role.
A high turnover rate alsocontributes to a less
experienced staff, potentiallyleading to a decrease in the
(16:14):
quality of service and customersatisfaction.
Right, we know that whenthere's a brand new server on
the floor, it impacts all theother servers, it impacts the
side work, it impacts theteamwork You've got more
mistakes going back to thekitchen so it impacts the heart
of the house that your comps arehigher and it impacts the guest
experience and it can be adistraction for you, right, if
(16:35):
you're having to do more tabletouches or go into recovery mode
a little bit more than younormally would if you had an
experienced team.
Okay, the third point here isthe loss of institutional
knowledge.
So when you have high employeeturnover, it means that you're
losing experienced teammates,knowledgeable staff members who
really understand theintricacies of your restaurant's
(16:57):
operation and your guests andall of your guests' preferences
right, of your restaurant'soperation and your guests and
all of your guests' preferencesright.
This loss of knowledge can leadto increased inefficiencies,
errors, like I mentioned earlier, and potentially decreased
guest satisfaction, depending onhow you're hiring, what level
of talent you're bringing in andyour training program.
While leadership in therestaurant business should
(17:19):
prioritize employee well-beingand satisfaction, a
people-pleasing mentality canhave significant negative
consequences.
Like I said, it can lead tohigher turnover, which in turn
costs the business money due torecruitment costs, training
costs and operationalinefficiencies.
Striking a balance betweenaccommodating employees and
(17:40):
maintaining accountability andefficiency is so crucial for
long-term success in therestaurant business.
Shifting your leadership stylefrom being a people pleaser to
someone who empowers their teamcan be absolutely transformative
for your restaurant business.
I'm going to offer you threetips now to help you make this
(18:02):
shift.
The first tip is to clarifyexpectations.
I love this one because it'sjust black and white the facts.
You take all the emotion andthe personal aspect out of it.
Begin by clearly identifyingand defining your expectations
for a teammate's performance andbehavior.
Defining your expectations fora teammate's performance and
(18:26):
behavior Establish.
Do this by establishingwell-defined job roles,
responsibilities and performancemetrics.
This is essential.
Make sure that you communicatethese expectations openly and
ensure that your team fullyunderstands them.
I can't stress this enoughbecause when the time comes for
you to have a coaching sessionwith this employee, whether it's
to celebrate the work thatthey're doing, to just check in
(18:48):
on how they're feeling about thejob or give them some good
feels or talk about areas thatthey need improvement.
That job description and thosejob expectations and that role
is beautiful.
It's a beautiful tool for you.
Again, it strips away all theemotion.
It's black and white.
The employee's seen it before.
They've agreed to it beforethey signed on for the job.
Hopefully you've looked throughit.
(19:09):
You can come back together andsay let's review where we
started in the beginning andcheck in on where we are.
Here's where you're doing great.
Here's a couple of areas I'dlove for you to focus on.
Chances are those employees.
When you start talking andhaving that conversation, they
know what they're doing well andthey also know what they need
to focus on.
And again, they've gotsomething tangible that they can
look at.
(19:30):
They're hearing you, you'realigned on the role.
They can walk away confidently,feeling like they have clear
direction and next steps onwhere they need to improve,
which is absolutely beautiful.
Direction and next steps onwhere they need to improve,
which is absolutely beautiful.
That's where developmenthappens, right.
Hi, everybody, we're taking aquick break to offer you an
exciting opportunity.
(19:50):
If you're a restaurant owner ormanager looking to enhance your
leadership skills, I invite youto join my 12-day leadership
challenge.
In just 12 days, you'll receivea guided packet with actionable
strategies to transform yourleadership in less than five
minutes a day.
Join the challenge and thecommunity and grab your copy at
(20:13):
kristinmarvincom.
Slash 12 days.
Now let's get back to the show.
The second tip is to encourageopen communication.
So foster a culture of open andhonest communication within
your restaurant.
You can do this by encouragingteammates to express their ideas
(20:44):
, concerns and their feedbackwithout fear or retribution.
You don't need to necessarilyimmediately respond to those
concerns or questions orfeedback.
You can always say I appreciatethis, I hear you, let me sleep
on it and we'll go from thereright.
Sometimes it takes time toprocess.
Sometimes we take that feedbackvery personally I know I've
been there and sometimesemployees don't necessarily
expect you to take action.
Sometimes they just need to beheard, and so simply just saying
(21:06):
I hear you, thank you forsharing this with me, can
sometimes be enough, dependingon what the issue or the concern
is.
It's really awesome if you canhold regular team meetings or
one-on-ones to provide aplatform for sharing thoughts
and insights.
I will say that, in myexperience, holding monthly
meetings was an absolutelywonderful way to build open
(21:31):
communication, foster teamwork,and I will say that there were
times in my career when I chosenot to do that, when I was too
stressed out or something wasgoing on major in the restaurant
, and not having those meetingsimpacted the relationships that
I had with my team, and that wasa huge mistake and something
that I really, really regret.
(21:51):
I was fearful of what feedbackwas going to come my way, which
is also why I chose not to havethose meetings.
So learn from me and hold thoseregular team meetings Actively
listen to your employees, taketheir input seriously and
incorporate valuable feedbackinto your decision-making
process and, importantly, makesure that you're following up
(22:15):
with the feedback that you'regetting about what you're doing.
The worst thing that you can dois to take feedback, say that
you're gonna do something aboutit and then let that feedback
fall on deaf ears.
If you do that, your staff willstop providing feedback and all
that work that you've done tocreate this beautiful culture of
open communication andempowerment and teamwork will
(22:37):
start to diminish.
So, even if you don't havesomething solid, let people know
and follow up with them and sayhey, we've heard you, we
understand this, we're going toput it on the list.
This is what we're working onright now, but we understand
that this is something thatneeds to be addressed and we
promise that we're going to getto it and then make sure that
you follow through on that.
(22:58):
The third tip is to providegrowth opportunities.
It and then make sure that youfollow through on that.
The third tip is to providegrowth opportunities.
Empower your team by investingin their growth and development.
What do I mean by that?
What does that look like?
Offer opportunities fortraining, for skill building and
for career advancement withinyour restaurant.
There are so many wonderfulopportunities to cross-train.
If employees come to you in thethe hiring process or when they
(23:20):
when they've been employed, andthey say I need a growth plan,
what does development look likefor me?
You've got so many roles andresponsibilities that you can
train them on in the restaurantright the front door how to be a
busser, how to be a food runner, how to be a bartender, how to
be a server, how to be asupervisor, how to be a manager.
Spending time in the heart ofthe house working through all
the positions.
There are so many things and ifsomeone comes to you and says,
(23:44):
I want to be a manager, I wantto grow with this company, the
best way to set them up forsuccess is to have them training
in all those positions so thatthey can jump in and help out
whenever possible.
They know what to hire for inthose positions, they know how
to develop those people in thosepositions as well and it's
really going to help set theirconfidence level up for success
and help them grow.
And sometimes I find employeesthese days don't necessarily
(24:07):
want to hear about all of thosesteps or they're not interested
because they think that being amanager is really easy and they
want to move up fairly quickly.
But if you can clearly outlinea path for them and a plan and
something that they can own andyou can own and stick to it, it
will really really help theirdevelopment and your
(24:29):
accountability of their growthand increasing employee
retention.
The additional thing that Iwould offer here is to recognize
and reward outstandingperformance through promotions
or increased responsibilities.
Again, cross-training someoneteaches them and shows them that
you trust them, you trust theirjudgment, you appreciate their
(24:51):
work ethic.
They're doing a good job foryou and you want to continue to
invest in them.
So making a shift from being apeople pleaser to an empowering
leader, and one that is awonderful coach, can really take
time and effort, but thebenefits that it will have on
your restaurant and your teammorale and your sense of
(25:14):
well-being and mental health andwork-life balance are so worth
it.
Imagine and think about all ofthat stress and anxiety that
you're carrying around with youby knowing that there's a
problem seeing thingsoperationally that are
inefficient or not going well inyour restaurant and not having
those conversations that youneed to, because there is
(25:35):
something standing in your way.
It's not something that'sstanding in the employee's way.
It's something that you need towork with and get over in your
leadership, and we know thatwhen you get really
uncomfortable and you start tolean in something that feels
different than what you've beendoing, that's where growth
happens as a leader.
So super, super important,making this shift creates a more
(25:58):
positive work environment,reduces turnover and ultimately
contributes to the overallsuccess of your restaurant.
So I hope that for any of youlistening out there that are
people pleasers that you've hadsome moments of insight.
This is helping you a littlebit with your self-awareness,
understanding how being a peoplepleaser can really help you
(26:19):
succeed, which is building greatrelationships right, creating a
really positive environment foryour team all the time but also
understanding how it's holdingyou back and there's, you know.
I hope that you're finding andseeing that there are some easy,
tangible tips that you can takeaway from this episode today in
(26:39):
order to enhance yourleadership and take it to the
next level.
If you are interested inlearning more about the
saboteurs all nine of them intheir entirety feel free to
shoot me an email or contact me.
You can email me atkristinlmarvin at gmailcom, or
(26:59):
visit my website atkristinmarvincom.
Slash contact and simply enter.
You know I want the assessmentin my email and I will happily
email you a free saboteurassessment that I often use with
clients that will give you amore in-depth look into each of
the nine saboteurs and how theywere formed and the impact that
(27:20):
they're having on yourself andyour relationship, so that you
can start to understand andrecognize those thoughts as
they're coming up and then, fromthere, decide how you want to
make decisions in your lifebased on those thoughts as
they're coming up and then, fromthere, decide how you want to
make decisions in your lifebased on those thoughts as
they're appearing.
Thank you so much for listening.
This week I am going to producemore episodes around these
saboteurs, and I also offer alot of information about these
(27:44):
in my leadership workshops andas well on my LinkedIn page.
If you want to connect with methere at Kristen-Marvin, be sure
to share this podcast with anyleaders you know in the
restaurant industry and checkout my step-by-step guide on how
to retain your employees atKristenMarvincom.
Thanks so much, everybody.
We'll talk to you next week.
Are you a people pleaser?
Is your people pleaserleadership style getting in the
way of having toughconversations with your team or
leading you to resent them?
If so, stick around.
In today's episode, I willteach you how leading with a
people pleaser mindset in thehospitality industry can help
(00:29):
you be successful and teach youhow it's holding you back.
I'm also going to give youthree tips on how you can start
changing your leadership styleto one that's more productive.
That will lead to a moreefficient restaurant and impact
your overall mental health andwell-being.
Welcome to the RestaurantLeadership Podcast, the show
(00:53):
where restaurant leaders learntools, tactics and habits from
the world's greatest operators.
I'm your host, kristen Marvin,with Solutions by Kristen.
I've spent the last two decadesin the restaurant industry and
now partner with restaurantowners to develop their leaders
and scale their businessesthrough powerful one-on-one
coaching, group coaching andleadership workshops.
(01:16):
This show is complete withepisodes around coaching,
leadership development andinterviews with powerful
industry leaders.
You can now engage with me onthe show and share topics you'd
like to hear about leadership,lessons you want to learn and
any feedback you have.
Simply click the link at thetop of the show notes and I will
(01:38):
give you a shout out on afuture episode.
Thanks so for listening and Ilook forward to connecting.
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In the hospitality leadershipworkshops I've recently held, I
often delve into the topic ofsaboteurs.
(03:48):
Now, saboteurs are, if you'renot familiar.
They are the thoughts thathinder our path to becoming more
successful leaders.
But, more importantly, they arethe thoughts that cause all of
our stress, all of our anxiety,all of our depression and
resentment.
These thoughts are saboteurs Italk a lot about and have
(04:11):
learned from my work studyingpositive intelligence and what I
call mental fitness.
But I have learned that thesethoughts were formed during
childhood in order to protect usfrom something.
It doesn't matter whatbackground you grew up in, if
you had a healthy childhood, ifyou had a traumatic childhood,
if you were an only child likemyself, if you had a lot of
(04:34):
siblings.
All of these thoughts wereformed and we all have these
saboteurs.
The hard thing about them issubconsciously.
A lot of us don't know thatthey're there and we keep these
thoughts with us as adults,although we no longer need them
to protect us from anything.
But they still have an impacton the way that we form
(04:56):
relationships, on the way thatwe show up as leaders and the
way that we make decisions.
There are nine of thesesaboteurs in total.
One is the controller, anotheris the avoider, there's the
victim, there's the hyperrational, there's the hyper
achiever, which is my number onehyper vigilant, the stickler or
(05:21):
the perfectionist and therestless.
But the one prevalent saboteurthat continually emerges,
especially within thehospitality industry and a lot
of the clients that I work with,is the people pleaser.
People pleasing leaders oftenseek acceptance and approval by
constantly assisting theirteammates, pleasing other people
(05:45):
or offering a lot ofcompliments.
People pleasers genuinelybelieve that putting others'
needs ahead of their own is thetrue mark of being a good person
.
Unfortunately, though, thisstyle, this leadership style,
frequently leads to feelings ofresentment, as these leaders
sense that they're being takenadvantage of.
(06:06):
Now I think back to the earlydays in my management career,
and a prime example of this wasworking really hard.
I've always been a reallyhands-on leader in the
restaurant industry, but therewere times early in my career
where I would find myselfworking so hard, running around
the dining room, running fromthe kitchen out to the front of
the house and back, and I wouldstop for a second to get a drink
(06:29):
of water or just take a breathand look around and realize that
I was working harder than someof the teammates in the room
Right and I'm sure some of youhave been there too so that was
a really good check-in for meand realization that I was
probably spending a lot of timeand energy where I didn't need
to be, and it took me some timeto understand how to really
(06:52):
perfect that, because I'vealways wanted to be hands-on.
I love being in the grit withthe team.
I love the volume and the buzzand the pace that you get from
the industry, but I had to learnthat I could still work and be
hands-on and interact with theguests and interact with the
team and do what I love.
But if I noticed that somebodywasn't working or doing
something that they needed to orthere was an area that needed
(07:13):
to be tended to, I learned todelegate over the years and
learn how to find that balance.
But it is definitely a journeythat takes time and a lot of
practice.
I personally, as a leader, haveoften faced challenges with
managing people pleasers,because I find that their teams
(07:38):
really are.
They love each other right,like people pleasers are.
They want to make people happy,they want to serve people.
They love making an impactright.
It's so common for so many ofus in the industry.
We believe that we were put onthis earth to serve, and that's
why we've chosen the industrythat we've chosen, and so these
(07:58):
leaders and their teams havebeen great.
They're happy, they're content,right, they get along with each
other, but I have found in myexperience that they often lack
development, and a number ofhigh-performing individuals that
these teams could have had, orthese leaders could have had,
(08:20):
due to the lack of coachingsupervised, would rather
prioritize being the nice guy orthe nice girl or the nice
manager, however you want to sayit, rather than holding their
(08:40):
teams accountable.
And that dynamic really has hada strain on my professional
relationships, and those havebeen some of the toughest
relationships that I've had inthe course of my career, and
some of the people that I'vereally, really struggled to
manage, and I really I'll talkabout this in a second but I
wish I would have had thesetools and resources that I know
of now, with these saboteurs, sothat I could have taught people
(09:03):
how to become more self-awareand how to manage these things,
which is what I get to do today,which is great, we know, though
, any of us that are, you knowany of you that are listening
and work in the business.
It's the restaurant business ischanging every single day,
which is what I love and whatmade me crazy about it, but that
means that there's ample roomfor opportunity with every
single shift right.
(09:24):
People pleaser managers, though, hesitate to provide that
coaching or recognize thosemoments or implement those new
systems, because they feel likeit might discomfort their teams
and they don't want to put toomuch pressure on them.
They fear that if they push toohard, that they're going to
jeopardize their relationshipswith their teammates.
(09:44):
And so this, really that youknow that fear of discomfort for
them and for the teampotentially really holds them
back from making the necessarychanges that they need to for
their business.
Hey there, podcast friends, Ihope you're enjoying these
impactful conversations andleadership insights I'm bringing
you each week.
(10:05):
Before we dive back into today'sepisode, I want to take a
moment and reach out and ask asmall favor.
That would go a long way insupporting the show.
If you've been loving thecontent I'm providing, please
take a moment to leave a ratingand review.
Wherever you listen to yourpodcasts, not only does it make
my day, but it also plays apivotal role in helping the show
(10:25):
grow.
Your reviews boost myvisibility, attract new
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So if you want to be part of myshow's growth journey, hit that
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Thanks a million for beingawesome listeners.
So, like I said earlier, I wishthat I really would have had the
(10:49):
tools and knowledge aroundsaboteurs that I have today and
had access to the resources backthen, because I could have
supported these managers in sucha different way.
I unfortunately ended up firingthese people.
These are managers that Iworked with and it was
frustrating for me because Itruly had felt like I had done
(11:12):
everything that I could do in myskill set.
I was very clear with theexpectations.
I told them where they weren'tmeeting those expectations, but
I couldn't figure out what theunderlying issue was as to why
they couldn't coach their teamor they were choosing not to
coach their team.
I would have conversations withthem about players that needed
(11:33):
coaching, needed development.
We'd come up with a plan and Ican't remember if we ever talked
about okay, let's talk abouthow this coaching session is
going to go?
How can I set you up forsuccess here?
What do you need in order toprepare?
And so a lot of the time thoseconversations wouldn't have
taken place or didn't happen, orI was told that they had, which
(11:57):
obviously just impacted therelationship even further.
So again, if I'd had known aboutthe saboteur and especially the
people pleaser tendencies, thethoughts, the feelings, the
original survival functions ofthe people pleasers and why they
were formed, I could havehelped these managers understand
(12:17):
that they know well A.
I could have helped themunderstand how to recognize
these people pleaser thoughtswhen they would show up in their
mind.
I could have helped themunderstand how those thoughts
were informing their decisionsaround their team, how they were
managing their team, how theywere showing up.
And then I could have helpedthem understand and know and
have the empowerment that theycould make the decision as to
(12:40):
whether they wanted to listen tothat thought and have it impact
the next move that they weregoing to make with their team,
or if they wanted to trysomething different and get a
little bit uncomfortable andstart growing and changing their
mindset.
I think that with those tools Iwould have been able to offer
much more valuable guidance onhow those leaders could make
(13:00):
necessary adjustments andthereby setting them on a path
to future success, whichunfortunately didn't happen that
way.
So anyway, today I wanted toshare with you some of the
detrimental impacts that havinga people-pleasing leadership
style can have within therestaurant business, from high
employee turnover to burnout.
(13:22):
I'll shed some light on howthis approach can ultimately
drain your business's resourcesand hinderered success.
So here are several of the waysin which prioritizing others'
needs at the expense of your owncan have adverse effects on
your business.
The first one is reducedaccountability for leadership.
(13:43):
So in a people-pleasingleadership environment, leaders,
like I said earlier, may avoidmaking tough decisions or
implementing necessary changesto improve the restaurant's
operations.
One area I really found this tobe true was that people pleaser
leaders tended to hang on tolow performing people much, much
, much longer than they neededto, and it really impacted every
(14:06):
aspect of the business theteamwork, the productivity, the
sales, the guest experience allof it just because they were
fearful of having a toughconversation the stagnation,
basically because these leaderswould not have these tough
conversations.
What that can result in isstagnation and resistance to
(14:27):
change, which negatively impactsthe restaurant's
competitiveness andprofitability.
And you're working in anenvironment where you have a
chain restaurant environment,where you have multiple
locations that are all operatingunder the same umbrella.
Right, it's really easy tocompare apples to apples and see
(14:48):
how this leadership style isreally showing up.
This also can lead to employeesbeing really frustrated with
the lack of problem solving andthen ultimately start looking
for other jobs because they feellike they're not being
supported by their leaders.
So their leaders are great atlistening to their problems, but
they're not great atimplementing solutions to those
problems.
The second one is the high costof turnover.
(15:10):
So employees who work forpeople pleasers can become
really dependent on the leaders,which causes the leader to burn
out.
Right, the more toughconversations that the leaders
are avoiding, the more that theyare just doing the work to
compensate for those lowerperforming employees.
Right, it makes sense.
We know that employee turnoveris, especially in the restaurant
(15:32):
industry, is notoriouslyexpensive.
It costs around $5,000 toreplace an hourly employee and
around $14,000 for a manager.
That cost includes recruitmentcosts, training expenses, the
loss of productivity during atransition period with new hires
are brought up to speed, whichis usually 90 days.
(15:53):
Right, we know that before 90days of an employee being with
you.
You should not expect them toadd any value to your
organization.
It takes 90 days or 12 weeksfor someone to be comfortable in
their position, especially in amanagement role.
A high turnover rate alsocontributes to a less
experienced staff, potentiallyleading to a decrease in the
(16:14):
quality of service and customersatisfaction.
Right, we know that whenthere's a brand new server on
the floor, it impacts all theother servers, it impacts the
side work, it impacts theteamwork You've got more
mistakes going back to thekitchen so it impacts the heart
of the house that your comps arehigher and it impacts the guest
experience and it can be adistraction for you, right, if
(16:35):
you're having to do more tabletouches or go into recovery mode
a little bit more than younormally would if you had an
experienced team.
Okay, the third point here isthe loss of institutional
knowledge.
So when you have high employeeturnover, it means that you're
losing experienced teammates,knowledgeable staff members who
really understand theintricacies of your restaurant's
(16:57):
operation and your guests andall of your guests' preferences
right, of your restaurant'soperation and your guests and
all of your guests' preferencesright.
This loss of knowledge can leadto increased inefficiencies,
errors, like I mentioned earlier, and potentially decreased
guest satisfaction, depending onhow you're hiring, what level
of talent you're bringing in andyour training program.
While leadership in therestaurant business should
(17:19):
prioritize employee well-beingand satisfaction, a
people-pleasing mentality canhave significant negative
consequences.
Like I said, it can lead tohigher turnover, which in turn
costs the business money due torecruitment costs, training
costs and operationalinefficiencies.
Striking a balance betweenaccommodating employees and
(17:40):
maintaining accountability andefficiency is so crucial for
long-term success in therestaurant business.
Shifting your leadership stylefrom being a people pleaser to
someone who empowers their teamcan be absolutely transformative
for your restaurant business.
I'm going to offer you threetips now to help you make this
(18:02):
shift.
The first tip is to clarifyexpectations.
I love this one because it'sjust black and white the facts.
You take all the emotion andthe personal aspect out of it.
Begin by clearly identifyingand defining your expectations
for a teammate's performance andbehavior.
Defining your expectations fora teammate's performance and
(18:26):
behavior Establish.
Do this by establishingwell-defined job roles,
responsibilities and performancemetrics.
This is essential.
Make sure that you communicatethese expectations openly and
ensure that your team fullyunderstands them.
I can't stress this enoughbecause when the time comes for
you to have a coaching sessionwith this employee, whether it's
to celebrate the work thatthey're doing, to just check in
(18:48):
on how they're feeling about thejob or give them some good
feels or talk about areas thatthey need improvement.
That job description and thosejob expectations and that role
is beautiful.
It's a beautiful tool for you.
Again, it strips away all theemotion.
It's black and white.
The employee's seen it before.
They've agreed to it beforethey signed on for the job.
Hopefully you've looked throughit.
(19:09):
You can come back together andsay let's review where we
started in the beginning andcheck in on where we are.
Here's where you're doing great.
Here's a couple of areas I'dlove for you to focus on.
Chances are those employees.
When you start talking andhaving that conversation, they
know what they're doing well andthey also know what they need
to focus on.
And again, they've gotsomething tangible that they can
look at.
(19:30):
They're hearing you, you'realigned on the role.
They can walk away confidently,feeling like they have clear
direction and next steps onwhere they need to improve,
which is absolutely beautiful.
Direction and next steps onwhere they need to improve,
which is absolutely beautiful.
That's where developmenthappens, right.
Hi, everybody, we're taking aquick break to offer you an
exciting opportunity.
(19:50):
If you're a restaurant owner ormanager looking to enhance your
leadership skills, I invite youto join my 12-day leadership
challenge.
In just 12 days, you'll receivea guided packet with actionable
strategies to transform yourleadership in less than five
minutes a day.
Join the challenge and thecommunity and grab your copy at
(20:13):
kristinmarvincom.
Slash 12 days.
Now let's get back to the show.
The second tip is to encourageopen communication.
So foster a culture of open andhonest communication within
your restaurant.
You can do this by encouragingteammates to express their ideas
(20:44):
, concerns and their feedbackwithout fear or retribution.
You don't need to necessarilyimmediately respond to those
concerns or questions orfeedback.
You can always say I appreciatethis, I hear you, let me sleep
on it and we'll go from thereright.
Sometimes it takes time toprocess.
Sometimes we take that feedbackvery personally I know I've
been there and sometimesemployees don't necessarily
expect you to take action.
Sometimes they just need to beheard, and so simply just saying
(21:06):
I hear you, thank you forsharing this with me, can
sometimes be enough, dependingon what the issue or the concern
is.
It's really awesome if you canhold regular team meetings or
one-on-ones to provide aplatform for sharing thoughts
and insights.
I will say that, in myexperience, holding monthly
meetings was an absolutelywonderful way to build open
(21:31):
communication, foster teamwork,and I will say that there were
times in my career when I chosenot to do that, when I was too
stressed out or something wasgoing on major in the restaurant
, and not having those meetingsimpacted the relationships that
I had with my team, and that wasa huge mistake and something
that I really, really regret.
(21:51):
I was fearful of what feedbackwas going to come my way, which
is also why I chose not to havethose meetings.
So learn from me and hold thoseregular team meetings Actively
listen to your employees, taketheir input seriously and
incorporate valuable feedbackinto your decision-making
process and, importantly, makesure that you're following up
(22:15):
with the feedback that you'regetting about what you're doing.
The worst thing that you can dois to take feedback, say that
you're gonna do something aboutit and then let that feedback
fall on deaf ears.
If you do that, your staff willstop providing feedback and all
that work that you've done tocreate this beautiful culture of
open communication andempowerment and teamwork will
(22:37):
start to diminish.
So, even if you don't havesomething solid, let people know
and follow up with them and sayhey, we've heard you, we
understand this, we're going toput it on the list.
This is what we're working onright now, but we understand
that this is something thatneeds to be addressed and we
promise that we're going to getto it and then make sure that
you follow through on that.
(22:58):
The third tip is to providegrowth opportunities.
It and then make sure that youfollow through on that.
The third tip is to providegrowth opportunities.
Empower your team by investingin their growth and development.
What do I mean by that?
What does that look like?
Offer opportunities fortraining, for skill building and
for career advancement withinyour restaurant.
There are so many wonderfulopportunities to cross-train.
If employees come to you in thethe hiring process or when they
(23:20):
when they've been employed, andthey say I need a growth plan,
what does development look likefor me?
You've got so many roles andresponsibilities that you can
train them on in the restaurantright the front door how to be a
busser, how to be a food runner, how to be a bartender, how to
be a server, how to be asupervisor, how to be a manager.
Spending time in the heart ofthe house working through all
the positions.
There are so many things and ifsomeone comes to you and says,
(23:44):
I want to be a manager, I wantto grow with this company, the
best way to set them up forsuccess is to have them training
in all those positions so thatthey can jump in and help out
whenever possible.
They know what to hire for inthose positions, they know how
to develop those people in thosepositions as well and it's
really going to help set theirconfidence level up for success
and help them grow.
And sometimes I find employeesthese days don't necessarily
(24:07):
want to hear about all of thosesteps or they're not interested
because they think that being amanager is really easy and they
want to move up fairly quickly.
But if you can clearly outlinea path for them and a plan and
something that they can own andyou can own and stick to it, it
will really really help theirdevelopment and your
(24:29):
accountability of their growthand increasing employee
retention.
The additional thing that Iwould offer here is to recognize
and reward outstandingperformance through promotions
or increased responsibilities.
Again, cross-training someoneteaches them and shows them that
you trust them, you trust theirjudgment, you appreciate their
(24:51):
work ethic.
They're doing a good job foryou and you want to continue to
invest in them.
So making a shift from being apeople pleaser to an empowering
leader, and one that is awonderful coach, can really take
time and effort, but thebenefits that it will have on
your restaurant and your teammorale and your sense of
(25:14):
well-being and mental health andwork-life balance are so worth
it.
Imagine and think about all ofthat stress and anxiety that
you're carrying around with youby knowing that there's a
problem seeing thingsoperationally that are
inefficient or not going well inyour restaurant and not having
those conversations that youneed to, because there is
(25:35):
something standing in your way.
It's not something that'sstanding in the employee's way.
It's something that you need towork with and get over in your
leadership, and we know thatwhen you get really
uncomfortable and you start tolean in something that feels
different than what you've beendoing, that's where growth
happens as a leader.
So super, super important,making this shift creates a more
(25:58):
positive work environment,reduces turnover and ultimately
contributes to the overallsuccess of your restaurant.
So I hope that for any of youlistening out there that are
people pleasers that you've hadsome moments of insight.
This is helping you a littlebit with your self-awareness,
understanding how being a peoplepleaser can really help you
(26:19):
succeed, which is building greatrelationships right, creating a
really positive environment foryour team all the time but also
understanding how it's holdingyou back and there's, you know.
I hope that you're finding andseeing that there are some easy,
tangible tips that you can takeaway from this episode today in
(26:39):
order to enhance yourleadership and take it to the
next level.
If you are interested inlearning more about the
saboteurs all nine of them intheir entirety feel free to
shoot me an email or contact me.
You can email me atkristinlmarvin at gmailcom, or
(26:59):
visit my website atkristinmarvincom.
Slash contact and simply enter.
You know I want the assessmentin my email and I will happily
email you a free saboteurassessment that I often use with
clients that will give you amore in-depth look into each of
the nine saboteurs and how theywere formed and the impact that
(27:20):
they're having on yourself andyour relationship, so that you
can start to understand andrecognize those thoughts as
they're coming up and then, fromthere, decide how you want to
make decisions in your lifebased on those thoughts as
they're coming up and then, fromthere, decide how you want to
make decisions in your lifebased on those thoughts as
they're appearing.
Thank you so much for listening.
This week I am going to producemore episodes around these
saboteurs, and I also offer alot of information about these
(27:44):
in my leadership workshops andas well on my LinkedIn page.
If you want to connect with methere at Kristen-Marvin, be sure
to share this podcast with anyleaders you know in the
restaurant industry and checkout my step-by-step guide on how
to retain your employees atKristenMarvincom.
Thanks so much, everybody.
We'll talk to you next week.
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