September 22, 2025 • 42 mins
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A revolution is brewing in hospitality leadership, and it begins with a radical notion: your most sacred guest is you.
This powerful conversation with transformational coach Mike Messeroff introduces the concept of "self-hospitality" - the practice of extending the same care to yourself that you offer guests and customers. For an industry characterized by burnout and depletion, this perspective shift provides a practical pathway to sustainable leadership.
"You cannot give away what you don't have," Messeroff emphasizes, challenging the common industry belief that selfless service means emptying yourself. Instead, he reveals how hospitality professionals who fill their own cups first serve from abundance rather than scarcity, transforming not just their own experience but elevating everyone around them.
The episode explores the cultivation of "the magic gap" - that crucial space between stimulus and response where thoughtful leadership happens instead of reactive management. Through mindfulness practices, boundary-setting, and reconnection with joy, leaders learn to navigate challenges with equanimity rather than frustration.
Messeroff shares his personal journey from external success that masked inner emptiness to discovering fulfillment through self-hospitality. His practical approach demonstrates how simple shifts - from morning meditation to technology-free days - create profound changes in leadership effectiveness and life satisfaction.
Whether you're experiencing burnout or simply seeking more sustainable ways to lead, this conversation offers both inspiration and actionable strategies. Discover how treating yourself as your most honored guest might be the greatest gift you can give your team, your business, and yourself.
Ready to transform your leadership through self-hospitality? Connect with Mike at mikemesseroff.com to explore coaching or join the upcoming Self-Hospitality Collective community.
Resources
TheSelfHospitalityCollective.com
P.S. Ready to take your restaurant to the next level? Here are 3 ways I can support you:
- One-on-One Coaching - Work directly with me to tackle your biggest leadership challenges and scale your operations with confidence. Learn more at christinmarvin.com
- Multi-Unit Mastery Book - Get the complete Independent Restaurant Framework that's helped countless owners build thriving multi-location brands. Grab your copy at https://www.IRFbook.com
- Group Coaching & Leadership Workshops - Join other passionate restaurant leaders in transformative group sessions designed to elevate your entire team. Details at christinmarvin.com
Podcast Production: https://www.lconnorvoice.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Hey everybody, welcome back to the show.
I'm your host, kristen Marvin,and today we're diving deep into
a topic that couldrevolutionize how you show up as
a leader self-hospitality.
What if I told you that thegreatest gift you could give
your team, your guests and yourbusiness was taking better care
of yourself?
(00:28):
Today's conversation with MikeMesseroff will challenge
everything you think you knowabout leadership in our industry
.
Here's what you can expect fromtoday's episode the
self-hospitality revolution.
Discover why hospitalityprofessionals are burning out at
alarming rates and how treatingyourself as your most sacred
(00:49):
guest can transform yourleadership and your life From
Depletion to Abundance.
Learn practical strategies forcreating the magic gap, that
crucial space between stimulusand response, where thoughtful
leadership happens instead ofreactive management.
Reclaiming joy as yourbirthright.
Explore how shifting fromworking harder to fulfilling
(01:11):
your cup first allows you toserve from abundance rather than
emptiness.
Our guest today is MikeMesseroff, a transformational
coach and speaker who helpshospitality leaders cultivate
presence, joy and authenticleadership.
Mike's journey from having itall externally while feeling
empty inside to discovering truefulfillment through inner
(01:34):
cultivation is both powerful andpractical.
His work focuses specificallyon helping hospitality
professionals, who naturallyserve others, learn how to
extend that same care tothemselves.
This is a really specialepisode, so I'm going to
challenge you to be present.
Grab your favorite beverage,find a comfy spot and let's
(01:56):
explore how self-hospitality cantransform not just how you lead
, but how you live.
You lead, but how you live.
Welcome to the RestaurantLeadership Podcast, the show
where restaurant leaders learntools, tactics and habits from
the world's greatest operators.
I'm your host, kristen Marvin,with Solutions by Kristen.
(02:19):
I've spent the last two decadesin the restaurant industry and
now partner with restaurantowners to develop their leaders
and scale their businessesthrough powerful one-on-one
coaching, group coaching andleadership workshops.
This show is complete withepisodes around coaching,
leadership development andinterviews with powerful
(02:42):
industry leaders.
You can now engage with me onthe show and share topics you'd
like to hear about, leadershiplessons you want to learn and
any feedback you have.
Simply click the link at thetop of the show notes and I will
give you a shout out on afuture episode.
Thanks so much for listening andI look forward to connecting
(03:09):
Mike.
I had the pleasure this morningof diving into your
self-hospitality masterclassOnly the first one I've still.
I've got to jump in and takethe other ones, but I just I was
getting ready for the podcast.
I was in the car with the dogsdriving them to the loop at this
really cool walkway we have inTucson and your message of
(03:31):
self-hospitality punched me inthe face.
We talk so much about self-careright and mental health and and
mental health and mindset, andI don't know why
self-hospitality it hit me ashard as it did and I just think
(03:56):
it's such a beautiful phrase andI'd love to hear a little bit
about just how you came up withthat and what that means to you.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Yeah, I love hearing that, by the way, because I want
to shake people awake.
So a punch in the face, I think, is a pretty good thing.
You know, I've been workingwith hospitality leaders for
years and a lot of what I seewith my clients and these are,
you know, top leaders like theseare people who are running the
(04:22):
industry.
Are, you know, top leaders likethese are people who are
running the industry.
They, they're.
They've huge hearts, they wantto serve.
That's why they're in theservice industry and it's always
obvious that they're just notserving their most sacred guests
, their, their most honoredguests in their life, which is
the person that they took theirfirst breath with.
(04:44):
They'll.
They'll take their last breathwith.
They see person that they tooktheir first breath with, they'll
take their last breath with.
They see, every time they lookin the mirror.
And once I get that across tothem and it's not teaching, it's
not words I mean they reallyhave to experience it by filling
their own cup and doing thingsto bring them joy, like deep joy
, not just pleasure and thrills,but once they start doing that
(05:07):
and they fill up from the inside, they fill up with that joy,
that peace, that love, thatpresence.
It's so much easier.
You know, I don't have to tellthem that it's easier.
They live it, they experienceit.
It's easier to share it.
You cannot give away what youdon't have.
One of my great, most favoritequotes and a quote that changed
(05:28):
my life from Wayne Dyer youcannot give away what you don't
have.
And when you are squeezed, whatcomes out?
You know, if you are filledwith love and joy and peace and
you're squeezed, then that'swhat.
That's what comes out of you.
You know, you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out,
because that's what's inside.
And once these leaders startreally just feeling that sense
(05:52):
of overflow which is reallywhere the word abundance comes
from the etymology of the wordabundance means overflow and
once they start feeling that andthey just it's the opposite of
depletion, it's the opposite ofburnout, because burnout is
depletion.
It's like driving with an emptytank of gas.
So if they're driving aroundwith a full tank and they feel
(06:12):
good and they're smiling, notbecause of anything, because
they not because someone didsomething or said something, but
because they generated thatwithin themselves, first
everything gets easier.
Everyone around them changesbecause of them and how they're
showing up.
And that was the biggest thingfor me in my own transformation
(06:33):
was realizing that happiness isnot out there.
It's just, it's just not.
I tried finding it, I triedchasing it.
It led me to the deepest,darkest hole of my life.
So so, yeah, that's where theterm came from, and obviously
now I've built a master classaround it.
I'm building a community aroundit.
I speak about it all the time.
(06:54):
I think, like you said, it kindof hits you where it's like
wait a minute, I'm a leader inthe service industry and I don't
know how to serve myself.
That's an issue, it's a problem.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Yeah, it is, it is, and I just, you know I resonate
so much with what you said inthe class and now of you know I
think a lot of operators are sogood at offering hospitality
they get that it reallyresonates.
It's what they're, you know,it's why they opened a
restaurant, it's what they'remeant to do, but they're not
great at just understanding theconcept that they need to do the
(07:25):
same thing for themselves andfor everyone that's in their
family and in their communityand in their friend zone.
And I really loved what yousaid about coming from a place
of abundance and it got methinking about how many owners
and operators I know and workwith that are truly coming from
(07:46):
a place of abundance, and Ithought maybe it's five to 10%.
I mean the ones that that Ihave seen that are happier, have
developed teams and they havekey leadership people in place
so that they're only working 15to 20 hours a week, which some
people listening to this may go.
That's ridiculous, that can'thappen, right?
(08:07):
But what percentage do youthink that that is based on the
people that you've worked with?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Well, well, I won't focus on my clients because they
are, you know, they are livingthat way.
Yeah, more.
Just what I see in the industrywhen I'm just talking to people
, whether it's at events or onLinkedIn, it's yeah, I mean 5%
is like generous, it's really,it's rough, I mean it really is,
(08:34):
and I think a lot of peopleblame it on the industry.
That's just the way it is.
There's so many, you know,family dynamics and generational
kind of businesses here whereit's like this is just how it is
and I call bullshit on that.
I say you know you're a leaderfor a reason not to regurgitate
what everyone has done before,but to say where are we at today
(08:57):
, what's working, what's not,and make a decision based on the
freshness of the present moment, not the way we've done things
for the last year, 10 years,three decades.
So no, it's really bad.
It's really bad and these arethe leaders you know these are.
I'm not talking about, you know, frontline clocking in cleaning
(09:18):
hotel rooms, bussing tables,expoing chopping vegetables in
the back of the kitchen, bustingtables, expoing chopping
vegetables in the back of thekitchen.
That's even.
You know, if you don't have theleader showing up with a full
heart and a willingness tolisten, even the time you know
(09:39):
how many leaders I don't havetime to.
Well, you're there to supportthe operation.
That's that's.
A leader is not at the top ofthe triangle, they're at the
bottom holding everything up.
So so, yeah, it's, it's needed,it's just.
I mean, that's why both of usare doing what we're doing.
Yeah 100% and it's so.
It's so great to meet peoplelike you and just know that,
(10:00):
like hey, you know there isthere is a rising tide and it
lifts all ships.
That like hey, you know thereis a rising tide and it lifts
all ships.
And I do believe that we'reriding a wave of awakening of
consciousness of people whodon't want to leave the industry
, who don't want to leave this,the work that they love.
They just want to love it again.
They want to love their lives.
They don't just want to keeppushing that off.
(10:21):
It doesn't work.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
All right, everybody, listen up.
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(11:05):
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The clock is ticking.
Yeah, you made a very importantdistinction.
I want to make sure we don'tstep over, and that is there are
(11:25):
two.
In my experience and you know,being in restaurants for 20
years and now in the coachingspace for a few years there's a
very clear distinction, andthere are two types of leaders.
There are the ones that feellike their teams work for them
and there are the ones that feellike they work for the teams
teams, and I was having aconversation with a client the
(11:46):
other day.
He was so frustrated with histeam's just lack of
inconsistency.
He wants five-star serviceevery single day.
You know 100% perfectionism.
And I reminded him of the storyin Danny Meyer's book Setting
the Table of the Salt Shaker andhow his role as a coach was to
constantly be moving the saltshaker and coaching his team and
that was a really importantmoment for him.
But it was a reminder too thathis job is to support the team,
(12:08):
just like you said and I think.
But again, like you mentioned,you can't.
You have to start byrecognizing.
You know, going through thosestages of change, that you know
that pre-contemplation thatsomething needs to change with
me because something isn't rightwith the team and instead of
pointing the finger at them,it's really being reflective and
(12:29):
that's really really hard to do.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
And, ironically enough, it's the most empowering
.
I mean, if you could be humbleenough to say, oh wait, maybe
it's me, Then you could say, ohwait, maybe I have the power to
change this situation.
I don't have to blame it oneverything else or try to get
everything else around meperfect so I can show up the way
that I want, because that sucks.
(12:52):
That's a really precarioushouse of cards and if one thing
is off or one person shows uplate for their shift, you know
it's just, you have a short fuse, you blow up, you become
reactive, which is what I see ina lot of leaders is just
reactivity.
And I think, just to go alittle deeper into, I'm a
spiritual person, I write, Iwrite a lot of poetry, I teach a
(13:14):
lot of spirituality too, andjust that's where mindfulness
and meditation comes into play,just connecting to something a
little bit deeper.
The purpose of life is to enjoyyour life and then share.
You know like to really be ableto say how may I serve.
But it's really hard to do thatwhen you don't love your life
(13:35):
and you don't really loveyourself or you don't like
yourself.
And I think that one littleswitch of like what's in it for
me today.
You know, hey, I'm going towork, what's in it for me?
Versus I'm going to work, howmay I serve?
It changes everything.
And we're in the serviceindustry, so it's not just
(13:56):
serving the guests.
I mean, as the leader, you'renot serving the guests, you're
you're serving your team.
That is serving the guests.
And if you just change thataround, you're like I'm here to
serve and I need to fill up myown cup for them.
It's not a selfish thing.
You're doing it to support them, you're doing it to be there
for your kids and your spouse,your partner, everyone in your
(14:18):
life.
Then you could really say, well, if I am here to serve, then I
have to go for that walk, I haveto go to the gym, I have to
spend some time with my dog ormy kids or my partner, or in
solitude, or meditating, oreating a real meal and enjoying
it, or drinking a cup of coffee,and not just chugging it down,
(14:39):
these little things everywherethroughout your day.
You could say, no, I have to dothat because I want to serve,
because I'm here to serve.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Yeah, so you were.
You know you tell thisbeautiful story in your class,
but you were in the industry.
You lived in the beautiful townof Breckenridge.
You were skiing a hundred daysa year, but something was
missing for you.
You were in a really dark place.
What was missing?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Oh, that's the question, isn't it?
It's what I was searching for,it's what I was seeking, and you
can call it happiness.
I don't love that word.
You can call it joy.
I love that word a lot moreInner peace, fulfillment,
contentment.
There's so many words for it,but I was looking for it
(15:24):
everywhere else.
I was looking for it all overthe world.
I was looking for it in beachesand ski towns and and, um, even
even in work, you know, andthat's not where it comes from.
Like a lot of what I teachpeople is that you don't get
success from work.
You bring success to your work,which means you have to
cultivate that in yourself first.
It's all about this innercultivation of the thing that
(15:47):
we're looking for everywhereelse.
So that was the visceralwake-up call for me, because I
had every reason to be happy,and most of my clients do too.
They're not worried about money.
They usually live in a nicehouse and maybe they have a
vacation house and they're.
They have the reasons, butthey're miserable.
They're actually sometimessuicidal, and that I know what
(16:11):
that's like, where it's like OK,there's something missing and
it's not.
I don't want to just answer itby like it's not just one thing,
it's not just one thing.
(16:47):
I mean you could use thosewords that I use peace, joy,
self-love, self-hospital theirstaff to be better staffs.
I'm focusing on them and howthey could show up better and
really cultivate that, thatlight, that fire within
themselves that's been muted orburnt out and we get that fire
going again.
And then they realized like, oh,it was, it was me.
It was me.
(17:07):
Wherever you go, there you are,and whether I was on a beach in
Australia or a mountain inColorado, it was me.
It I was still bringing my lackof confidence, my lack of
clarity, my lack of purpose inlife, repression.
You know I was a writer whowasn't writing.
(17:28):
I was a healer who wasn'thealing.
You know it's whatever it islike.
There's something in you, yoursoul, your spirit, that is
healing.
It's moved, moved on, not to anew career or anything, but like
the new levels of joy andexpansion, and and you're still
(17:48):
stuck where you are.
That separation between you andyour soul is the cause of all
depression and anxiety and panicattacks and burnout.
And I always say it's a goodthing because if you're
realizing it, then you'regetting the message and you
could actually start to say, OK,well, something's not working.
So let me figure out what Icould do.
(18:10):
Whether it's picking up one ofyour books or, you know,
reaching out to me or attendinga workshop, or downloading the
masterclass, whatever it is like, do something and start
realizing that, Well, maybe it'sme.
And then if you could just saymaybe it's me, then you take
back all that power.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
I love, you know, I'd love to kind of hear your
perspective here and talk alittle bit about our different
styles.
But when people come to me andthey're really, really
struggling, they're, like youknow, severe.
Like you said, I want to jumpoff a tall building or whatever.
Right, we're not, we're nottherapists, we got to be clear
about that.
But when they come to me andthey're lost and they just say
you know, and, and usuallythey've got successful
(18:52):
businesses running around them,but again, like you said, they
can't see it, they can't feel it, I love to lean into the
language, how they're talking tothemselves, really dive into
their negative thoughts andhelping you know, helping them
identify those empowering wordsversus disempowering words, and
doing work around positiveintelligence and just helping
them be kinder to themselves sothat they can start to focus on
(19:15):
the wins instead of just theproblems all the time.
Because we know that if you gointo your restaurant every
single day and you're justpointing out and I used to be
like this as a leader it's veryeasy to go in and solve the
problems.
It's challenging to slow downand celebrate the wins, but when
you start blending the two, itreally eliminates a lot of
stress and anxiety and you startto see things different.
(19:37):
Right, you start to show updifferently and I'm curious when
someone comes to you andthey're completely lost and they
don't even know how to startlooking inside or what they're
looking for or how to identifytheir soul, like, how do you
help them?
Just get started?
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Ah, such a good question and it's so, it's so
simple, like it really is.
Um, like the way that I take myclients through my program, the
very first thing is, oh, I callit, presence.
You know, and I use thisanalogy of like you're trying to
start a fire in the woods butit's really, really windy out,
and if you've ever tried tostart a fire in a windstorm,
(20:18):
it's almost impossible.
So the first thing that we'redoing is just calming the storm,
we're calming the winds, we'resettling down the hectic pace of
life, like really just slowingthings down.
And that all starts withlearning about mindfulness, and
practicing mindfulness, whichreally is about meditation, is
the practice of mindfulness.
(20:38):
It's like taking your, youroveractive mind to the gym and
say, hey, you're just going tosit here and focus on something
Usually it's your breath for afew minutes, and it's like doing
reps.
And you're like, no, I don'twant to get up, I'm hungry, I'm
tired, I'm busy, I'm stressed, Idon't want to do this.
And you're like, wait, there'sa thought, I'm going to bring it
back to my breathing.
You do that a few minutes a dayfor a couple of days.
(21:06):
I'm not talking hours a day forweeks or months, I mean a
couple of minutes, for a coupleof days, things will start
changing in your life.
The pace of life will slow down.
You're not going to be soreactive.
I mean, something will happen.
This happened to me right when Istarted meditating.
I was taking dishes out of thedishwasher and this beautiful
glass Tupperware slipped.
It was wet and broke on thefloor and I just remembered
(21:27):
being like, oh, I guess I'llclean that up.
Like a week ago I would havelost my mind, it would have
ruined my day, I would have beencursing it.
Who put this in here the wrongway?
Or it's always someone else'sfault, or if I wasn't in such a
rush, I'm so stupid and justkeep talking about and I'm just
like it was none of that.
(21:47):
It was just something broke.
I'm going to clean it up andget on with my day.
And it felt so.
I feel it now Like it feels sogood.
It feels amazing to have thatlittle magic gap of you know
someone saying hey, we, you knowthere's this emergency, and
it's like let's take a breath.
Like is it really an emergency?
Is someone dying?
(22:08):
It's like the printer ran outof paper, you know.
It's like yeah this isn't thisis an emergency, like take a
breath and let's, let's solvethe problem.
Because leaders I mean we areproblem solvers and when we kind
of look at our jobs and sayeverything pisses me off, it's
like, well, what are you therefor?
Like, you're there to solveproblems, so go in there with
(22:30):
that attitude of like I'm goingto keep a calm head, I'm going
to be cool, I'm going to bebalanced, equanimous and just
flow through my day.
But you can't just say it, youhave to practice it.
You literally have to take yourmind, your overactive, burnt
out, stressed out mind, to thegym.
(22:51):
You got to whip it into shape alittle bit and say, you know,
it's a I'm the master here.
This, like I'm literallypointing to me, I am the master,
not this, this is my servant.
And for 35 years of my life Iwas a slave to what was
happening in here.
I thought I was my thoughts, Ithought my thoughts were real.
(23:12):
And all of that unwindinghappens right away with my
clients.
The very first thing, beforefiguring out what's your North
Star, what do you want with yourlife?
What's important?
What's your purpose?
What's your North star?
What do you want with your life?
What's important, what's yourpurpose?
None of that matters, becauseit's.
If you don't spend time calmingdown all that noise and the
(23:33):
storm, you're going to be makingdecisions from a place of
stress, or comparisons orcompetition or programming.
A lot of what we do isdeprogramming everything that we
learned.
I was actually just working ona poem.
I'd love to share it with you.
It's a short poem, but it's noton the nose like this is for
hospitality leaders.
But this is everything that Icoach.
(23:56):
I call this right now I'mcalling it Superboy, and I just
want to introduce this by sayingwe're so programmed.
We're programmed to be negative.
We're programmed to deferhappiness for tomorrow, for the
weekend, for the vacation, forretirement.
Don't get me started on that,but it all comes from our
(24:17):
childhood.
And if you could just say hey,like I got some faulty
programming, it's no one's fault.
My parents did the best theycould, my caretakers did the
best they could, my teachers didthe best they could, but they
were just doing whatever theyknew how to do and I got some
faulty programming.
So that's what this is about,super boy.
What would it be like?
(24:38):
How would it feel if they toldme as a child hey, kid, here's
the deal.
You have nothing to prove, nolessons to learn.
You're here for the joy.
You have nothing to earn.
You can try anything.
There's nothing to fear, andwhen you feel something deeply,
what you desire will appear.
(24:59):
There's no competition.
You're not in a race Sinceyou've already won.
It's a life of first place.
You're here to be present andnot a moment to miss.
Just heed these three words.
Follow your bliss, ask in thesilence while you free your mind
.
Follow your intuition, leavingworry far behind.
(25:22):
And as you continue to grow, sotoo will your light.
You're here to guide othersthrough the darkness of the
night.
Your purpose here is simpleEnjoy life and share that joy.
You want to be a superman First.
Have fun as a superboy.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
I love it.
That's beautiful.
Thank you for sharing that.
It's so fun havingconversations with coaches
because it's it's a different.
There's a different languagethat we speak and I think we're
always internalizing thingsdifferently.
And you know, I don't knowabout you, but I'm constantly
listening to what other coachesare saying and try to
(26:04):
internalize it and then thinkabout, like, how I can
incorporate that in my coachingor how I can incorporate that in
my own life and I'll say youknow again with your class this
morning, oftentimes I'll give myclients advice and then I'll.
It's the advice that I need togive myself right so last week I
challenged a client to meditateoutside.
(26:24):
She was terrified.
She'd never met it, meditatedbefore.
But she lives right on theocean and I thought oh, what a
beautiful place and I've beenmeditating for years.
I started meditating when Istopped drinking because I
realized I had anxiety and Ijust really couldn't figure out
how to calm myself down.
And so meditation was reallypowerful and I try to do it.
I don't do it every day, but Istill suck at it.
(26:44):
You know, I'll try for 10minutes and maybe I'll get in
for a minute or two, but thismorning I was listening to your
class and I was walking the dogsand I said you know what?
I'm going to take my own advice.
I'm going to sit down in natureand I'm going to meditate.
And it was.
It was so powerful because itwas in a completely different
space.
You know, I meditate in myhouse and my gym and it's little
(27:06):
, in a tiny room.
And now I was outside in naturewith just all of this amazing
space, and when I opened my eyes, all the cacti look different,
these beautiful purple flowers,bushes that had been in bloom,
that I hadn't seen I walk thisthing every day that I hadn't
seen in the last two weeks werethere.
You know it.
Just weeks were there.
I very much needed it.
(27:26):
So thank you for that.
But I think it's really easy forus to be preachy sometimes.
Well, for me, I don't want tospeak for everybody, but I think
it's really easy for mesometimes to be a little preachy
or find an idea and then talkabout it like I created it
because I'm so excited about it,or say things like be present,
be present, be present, how canyou be present, how can you be
(27:47):
more present?
And that's really difficult todo.
What is what?
And I know we've talked, you'vementioned it a couple times on
the during the conversationtoday but what does it mean to,
from your perspective, to befully present in one's life?
Speaker 2 (28:05):
I think that's a great question.
I think a lot of people reallymake this stuff harder than it
is.
Being present is being aware ofyour thoughts and your emotions
, not getting caught up in themand not letting them affect you.
You know, it's almost likeyou're the.
You become the witness, youbecome the observer of your
(28:26):
thoughts and your emotions, andwhen you do that, you get to
actually be the sifter of yourthoughts.
You know you could say like isthis thought serving me?
And most of the time it'sreally not, and it's almost
always repetitive.
It's something that we keepthinking over and over again.
So once you kind of have thatseparation of yourself, your
(28:49):
true self, from your thoughts,it just gets easier to be
present.
And another way of looking atpresence is just, um, not being
distracted.
Our lifetime, we're alwaysliterally trained to be
distracted.
We have full schedules, we'rescrolling on social media,
(29:11):
everything on the news is allyou know, quick clips and
training us to have this tiny,tiny short attention span.
So people say like, well, Ican't focus, or I think I have.
Add.
Almost everyone thinks that,and I'm not.
I'm not a doctor, I don't knowif you do or not, but you're
just always trained indistraction if you're not
(29:31):
actively practicing trainingyourself in focus.
And when you do that, it's justeasier to be present.
And I'm not saying saying,believe me, I actually meditated
on the beach this morning.
It was awesome.
But I also, you know, I walkedthe whole beach, sat down on
this beautiful bluff overlookingtwo different beaches, and I
(29:53):
look out.
I'm like man, like I didn'treally see those clouds until
just now.
I just spent a half hour 45minutes walking the beach.
Now, I just spent a half hour45 minutes walking the beach.
But it took it took me likesitting and not looking at my
phone or not worrying about mydog, to to just take everything
in.
And I think when you startdoing that, you realize, wow,
(30:14):
how much am I missing.
If I missed that thing, if youmiss those flowers in bloom, if
I miss a beautiful, you knowthat thing.
If you miss those flowers inbloom, if I miss a beautiful,
you know cloud formation ormountains in the distance, or
you know, even just likeappreciating my dog's smile.
It's so easy to just be like,all right, let's get on with our
walk.
It's like, no, like, let'sappreciate these little things,
(30:36):
because the little simple thingsare everything and life just
gets so much richer, like itreally does.
It's funny, my two past clientshave been named rich and I keep
using that as a pun.
I'm like, I'm like there areriches in rich time and your
life is getting richer, you know, and it's just true, like the
(30:57):
little things of enjoying, youknow, the coffee, like enjoying
the coffee, you enjoying thecoffee.
I took an extra 10 seconds tofroth up my milk and put
cinnamon on it, these thingsthat it's so easy to be like I
don't have time for that.
I don't have time for that.
It's like, but if you did andyou felt the joy that it gave
you and then you had a bettermeeting after that or you had a
(31:21):
more enjoyable conversation,you're going to, you're going to
start putting those thingstogether and that all it all
comes from presence.
So I love that question becauseI do think it's easy to throw
around these things and they geta little old or played out
cliche.
And it's like, I mean, I, I'm awordsmith and I mean I'm a
(31:53):
wordsmith.
I'm always, you know, trying tocome up with ways to get people
to, to just say like, hey, doyou want to get to the end of
your life and look back and sayI spent my entire life in a rush
?
I didn't, I didn't slow down,like what was I rushing towards
boards?
There is no destination,there's not.
It's a real disease of ourculture and our society is that
we're all kind of marching tosomething and we're not.
It steals our lives away.
(32:13):
And we're supposed to enjoy ourwork, we're supposed to enjoy
our lives.
We're supposed to enjoy eachand every day.
And if you're not, let that bea wake-up call to say, well,
what could I do differently?
Yeah, mike, what's a typicalday look like for you?
Well, it depends on the day.
(32:37):
I do think that having aschedule that is sacred is
really important, especially forleaders, not to say it's
non-negotiable, because thingscome up, they do.
I have certain things in mylife that are non-negotiable.
I do meditate every singlemorning, but most days for me, I
wake up pretty early, five orsix, and I don't start work
(32:59):
until about noon.
Now, this is extreme, you know,but this is practicing what I
coach.
I typically go to the beachwith my dog for an hour or two,
maybe more.
I'll do some stretching, I'lldo meditation, I'll do my
affirmations.
I will literally daydream aboutlike how life could be better,
(33:24):
like what's the next thing,speaking on bigger stages,
writing best-selling novels andpoetry books and working with
more interesting people, and howcould it get better?
And then it's like, okay, well,I daydream about, like the life
that I'm moving towards.
And then I say like, well, look, how could today be amazing.
Like I'm going to be on thispodcast.
I mean, I thought about thatthis morning, like it's going to
(33:45):
be an amazing podcast.
So I do some visualizations andaffirmations.
Um, I like to send out goodvibes to the people in my life
my, my family, my clients, myfriends.
Um, a lot of gratitude, a lotof gratitude, a lot of gratitude
(34:07):
, a lot of gratitude, just um.
I mean I, I almost always, Ialmost every day, cry tears of
joy.
I don't think I did thismorning, even though it was
great meditation, just full,full, full transparency.
But most mornings I get myselfinto a state of gratitude where
I am literally crying tears ofjoy.
Um, and what a better way tostart the day Like.
And then, and then you know, Iuh, I usually either get into
(34:29):
some writing or I go to the gym.
I meet with my trainer threetimes a week.
So today I was at the gym thismorning and that then I'm like I
come home, eat a great lunchand then it's like game on, like
I'm full of life.
I'm full of life, I'm full ofenergy.
You know, let's, let's get thispodcast going, let's get to my.
I have to get back to a clientafter this and it's not like I
have to.
You know.
That's another thing.
(34:50):
This, this client messaged me onfriday, on saturday and on
sunday and I'm getting back tohim today because those are the
ground rules that I set with him.
You know the expectations thatI set.
So, even though I saw hismessage come in on Friday and
Saturday, it's like that's not,that's not the right time for me
.
I'm going to be in the rightheadspace on Monday and give him
(35:11):
a beautiful reflection.
Maybe I'll spend an hour givinghim reflections and messages,
but it's that unwinding of likeI need to be so responsive.
If an email comes in, I got torespond to it right away.
I think people expect what youtrain them to expect.
So if you're always on, if youhave no boundaries, if you're
(35:32):
always available at any hour ofthe night or early morning, then
that's just what people expect.
And if you say, hey, this iswhen I work, this is when I
don't, and during those offhours, this is how you can reach
me, which is what I tell myclients.
Except for Sundays, my phone isoff.
I go completely tech free onSunday, which is such a gift
it's amazing to realize.
(35:53):
Just do it for a few hours,you'll lose your mind.
You'll feel so uncomfortablethat you don't have chat, tpt to
ask a question to, or you can'ttake a photo, or you can't
write something down in yourphone.
You start to realize, like, howdependent we are.
And then you know I'll work forseveral hours and right around
(36:13):
sunset I'll probably go back tothe beach.
Typically, I'm at the beachtwice a day on a normal day and
uh, and then I might come homeand do a little more work or
just read and go to bed.
Um, I'm not, you know, I'm not a, a hermit.
Um, I have a pretty simple likekind of.
I have a lot of solitude in mylife, but I have friends, I have
(36:37):
relationships, I go out, um,but it's a balance.
It's a balance.
Most of my days are very simpleand just filled with simple
joys, and my work is a joy too.
I mean, I'm thankful every daybecause I really know what it's
like to dread going to work andto just feel like work is
(37:00):
something that I look forward to, is such a gift, and I want I
want to share that with people.
I want to show them that it'spossible for them too.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Yeah, absolutely.
I'm a huge proponent ofdisconnecting for three days or
10 days or 30 minutes.
This this weekend, I took myApple watch off for a few hours
because I had a lot of stuff Ineeded to get done around the
house and I forget.
You know that it was like timestood still and I forget.
(37:29):
When I put the watch back on,all the notifications from
social media, LinkedIn, and theemails and the text message.
It's just all this noise that Icreate and every time I just
take a minute, I usually comeback and go okay, there are a
couple of things here I candelete, or notifications I can
turn off, because I just don'tneed.
I don't need every Instagrampost coming to my watch.
I don't need every LinkedInpost coming to my watch.
So, yeah, a huge proponent ofthat.
(37:51):
If people want to work with you, Mike, how do they get ahold of
you?
Speaker 2 (37:56):
So my website's mikemeseroffcom.
That's a great place to justlearn more about me and my
coaching and I'm on most socialmedia channels.
It's just at Mike Meseroff.
I'm pretty active on LinkedIn.
I would just encourage anyoneto just send a message.
That's the best way.
I actually took my booking linkdown because I'd prefer to
(38:17):
start a conversation on LinkedInor text message or email, to
start a conversation on LinkedInor text message or email, and
then we can move to a Zoom callif it makes sense, but that's
kind of the best way to justreach out.
You know whether it's LinkedInor shoot me an email.
It's Mike at MikeMezeroffcom.
As you know, I'm launching thiscommunity which I'm really,
(38:39):
really excited about theSelf-Hospitality Collective
because I only work with one ortwo clients at a time and, as
you know, there's a lot ofpeople suffering in this
industry.
So I'm developing justsomething that you know I kind
of wish I had, which is just aplace to feel seen and heard and
(39:00):
to exhale, to not always needto be on or performing, and it's
going to be a free communitywith opportunity to get support
from the community.
But also I'm going to besharing my own words and
practical tips and meditationsand visualizations and things
like that.
So once that launches, it willbe the self hospitality
(39:23):
collectivecom and then that'sfree to join.
That's where the selfhospitality masterclass is going
to live.
I'm just, you know, going backto that like how may I serve?
It's just like, that's just it,like I, just when you're in a
really dark place and you get toa lighter place, you just want
(39:43):
to share it.
I know you know that, um, myclients do too.
You know, one of them actuallybecame a coach, but most just
stay in their work.
But they, they're, they're moregiving, they, they, they mentor
more, they volunteer more.
They just want to share, um,their, their joy.
So so it's just, uh, it'ssomething that I just, I can't
(40:06):
not do, and it's always.
It's the same, whether it'scoaching or writing, poetry
speaking, it's all the same.
It's enjoy your life and sharefrom that joy.
And if you're, if it feels likeyou're grinding, if it feels
like you're burning out, thenyou are.
And that's a good thing thatyou're noticing.
(40:26):
Because if you, if you, if youignore it, then those warnings
turn into full blown alarms, thenudges and the taps on the
shoulder become shakes, and andthen you have to.
You have to at some point.
You know, take, take notice.
So you might as well, might aswell, start now if you're
feeling like, hey, I could feela little more peace, I could
(40:47):
feel a little more joy.
And also, a lot of people don'twant to do it for them, and I
always say don't do it foryourself, do it for your kids,
do it for your dog that missesyou know, you looking in its
eyes, do it for your partner, doit for all the people that you
work with or that work for you,and and put your take yourself
out of it, just say like, hey,it's my responsibility to to
(41:17):
show up in this world and sharejoy and share love and share
light.
And if I don't feel that, thenit's also my responsibility to
figure out how to startcultivating that.
And it it's.
It's not hard, it really itreally isn't.
It just takes a little.
It takes getting to a pointwhere it's dark enough, yeah,
yeah, and low enough to be likeall right, like it doesn't have
to go any lower than this.
I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
I'm ready to do something different yeah, yeah,
I mean it does you know?
I think it's.
For me, it was having a reallydifficult time getting out of
bed in the morning and losingsight of what I loved and
knowing that deep down that itwasn't me.
That wasn't me who was showingup, and so something had to
change.
So, mike, thank you so much forall your insight today.
Thank you for your time workingin the industry and everything
(41:59):
that you're doing for thehospitality industry.
We're so lucky to have you, andwe'll put all the links in the
show notes so that anybodythat's listening that's taken
something away from this today.
One little moment of insight orone perspective shift can
connect with Mike and startdoing some of this deep work.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
So thank you so much.
Really appreciate your timeAbsolutely.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
You bet.
Thanks everybody that's goingto do it for us.
We will see you so much.
Really appreciate your time.
Thank you so much.
Thanks everybody that's goingto do it for us.
We will see you next week.
Hey everybody, welcome back to the show.
I'm your host, kristen Marvin,and today we're diving deep into
a topic that couldrevolutionize how you show up as
a leader self-hospitality.
What if I told you that thegreatest gift you could give
your team, your guests and yourbusiness was taking better care
of yourself?
(00:28):
Today's conversation with MikeMesseroff will challenge
everything you think you knowabout leadership in our industry
.
Here's what you can expect fromtoday's episode the
self-hospitality revolution.
Discover why hospitalityprofessionals are burning out at
alarming rates and how treatingyourself as your most sacred
(00:49):
guest can transform yourleadership and your life From
Depletion to Abundance.
Learn practical strategies forcreating the magic gap, that
crucial space between stimulusand response, where thoughtful
leadership happens instead ofreactive management.
Reclaiming joy as yourbirthright.
Explore how shifting fromworking harder to fulfilling
(01:11):
your cup first allows you toserve from abundance rather than
emptiness.
Our guest today is MikeMesseroff, a transformational
coach and speaker who helpshospitality leaders cultivate
presence, joy and authenticleadership.
Mike's journey from having itall externally while feeling
empty inside to discovering truefulfillment through inner
(01:34):
cultivation is both powerful andpractical.
His work focuses specificallyon helping hospitality
professionals, who naturallyserve others, learn how to
extend that same care tothemselves.
This is a really specialepisode, so I'm going to
challenge you to be present.
Grab your favorite beverage,find a comfy spot and let's
(01:56):
explore how self-hospitality cantransform not just how you lead
, but how you live.
You lead, but how you live.
Welcome to the RestaurantLeadership Podcast, the show
where restaurant leaders learntools, tactics and habits from
the world's greatest operators.
I'm your host, kristen Marvin,with Solutions by Kristen.
(02:19):
I've spent the last two decadesin the restaurant industry and
now partner with restaurantowners to develop their leaders
and scale their businessesthrough powerful one-on-one
coaching, group coaching andleadership workshops.
This show is complete withepisodes around coaching,
leadership development andinterviews with powerful
(02:42):
industry leaders.
You can now engage with me onthe show and share topics you'd
like to hear about, leadershiplessons you want to learn and
any feedback you have.
Simply click the link at thetop of the show notes and I will
give you a shout out on afuture episode.
Thanks so much for listening andI look forward to connecting
(03:09):
Mike.
I had the pleasure this morningof diving into your
self-hospitality masterclassOnly the first one I've still.
I've got to jump in and takethe other ones, but I just I was
getting ready for the podcast.
I was in the car with the dogsdriving them to the loop at this
really cool walkway we have inTucson and your message of
(03:31):
self-hospitality punched me inthe face.
We talk so much about self-careright and mental health and and
mental health and mindset, andI don't know why
self-hospitality it hit me ashard as it did and I just think
(03:56):
it's such a beautiful phrase andI'd love to hear a little bit
about just how you came up withthat and what that means to you.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Yeah, I love hearing that, by the way, because I want
to shake people awake.
So a punch in the face, I think, is a pretty good thing.
You know, I've been workingwith hospitality leaders for
years and a lot of what I seewith my clients and these are,
you know, top leaders like theseare people who are running the
(04:22):
industry.
Are, you know, top leaders likethese are people who are
running the industry.
They, they're.
They've huge hearts, they wantto serve.
That's why they're in theservice industry and it's always
obvious that they're just notserving their most sacred guests
, their, their most honoredguests in their life, which is
the person that they took theirfirst breath with.
(04:44):
They'll.
They'll take their last breathwith.
They see person that they tooktheir first breath with, they'll
take their last breath with.
They see, every time they lookin the mirror.
And once I get that across tothem and it's not teaching, it's
not words I mean they reallyhave to experience it by filling
their own cup and doing thingsto bring them joy, like deep joy
, not just pleasure and thrills,but once they start doing that
(05:07):
and they fill up from the inside, they fill up with that joy,
that peace, that love, thatpresence.
It's so much easier.
You know, I don't have to tellthem that it's easier.
They live it, they experienceit.
It's easier to share it.
You cannot give away what youdon't have.
One of my great, most favoritequotes and a quote that changed
(05:28):
my life from Wayne Dyer youcannot give away what you don't
have.
And when you are squeezed, whatcomes out?
You know, if you are filledwith love and joy and peace and
you're squeezed, then that'swhat.
That's what comes out of you.
You know, you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out,
because that's what's inside.
And once these leaders startreally just feeling that sense
(05:52):
of overflow which is reallywhere the word abundance comes
from the etymology of the wordabundance means overflow and
once they start feeling that andthey just it's the opposite of
depletion, it's the opposite ofburnout, because burnout is
depletion.
It's like driving with an emptytank of gas.
So if they're driving aroundwith a full tank and they feel
(06:12):
good and they're smiling, notbecause of anything, because
they not because someone didsomething or said something, but
because they generated thatwithin themselves, first
everything gets easier.
Everyone around them changesbecause of them and how they're
showing up.
And that was the biggest thingfor me in my own transformation
(06:33):
was realizing that happiness isnot out there.
It's just, it's just not.
I tried finding it, I triedchasing it.
It led me to the deepest,darkest hole of my life.
So so, yeah, that's where theterm came from, and obviously
now I've built a master classaround it.
I'm building a community aroundit.
I speak about it all the time.
(06:54):
I think, like you said, it kindof hits you where it's like
wait a minute, I'm a leader inthe service industry and I don't
know how to serve myself.
That's an issue, it's a problem.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Yeah, it is, it is, and I just, you know I resonate
so much with what you said inthe class and now of you know I
think a lot of operators are sogood at offering hospitality
they get that it reallyresonates.
It's what they're, you know,it's why they opened a
restaurant, it's what they'remeant to do, but they're not
great at just understanding theconcept that they need to do the
(07:25):
same thing for themselves andfor everyone that's in their
family and in their communityand in their friend zone.
And I really loved what yousaid about coming from a place
of abundance and it got methinking about how many owners
and operators I know and workwith that are truly coming from
(07:46):
a place of abundance, and Ithought maybe it's five to 10%.
I mean the ones that that Ihave seen that are happier, have
developed teams and they havekey leadership people in place
so that they're only working 15to 20 hours a week, which some
people listening to this may go.
That's ridiculous, that can'thappen, right?
(08:07):
But what percentage do youthink that that is based on the
people that you've worked with?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Well, well, I won't focus on my clients because they
are, you know, they are livingthat way.
Yeah, more.
Just what I see in the industrywhen I'm just talking to people
, whether it's at events or onLinkedIn, it's yeah, I mean 5%
is like generous, it's really,it's rough, I mean it really is,
(08:34):
and I think a lot of peopleblame it on the industry.
That's just the way it is.
There's so many, you know,family dynamics and generational
kind of businesses here whereit's like this is just how it is
and I call bullshit on that.
I say you know you're a leaderfor a reason not to regurgitate
what everyone has done before,but to say where are we at today
(08:57):
, what's working, what's not,and make a decision based on the
freshness of the present moment, not the way we've done things
for the last year, 10 years,three decades.
So no, it's really bad.
It's really bad and these arethe leaders you know these are.
I'm not talking about, you know, frontline clocking in cleaning
(09:18):
hotel rooms, bussing tables,expoing chopping vegetables in
the back of the kitchen, bustingtables, expoing chopping
vegetables in the back of thekitchen.
That's even.
You know, if you don't have theleader showing up with a full
heart and a willingness tolisten, even the time you know
(09:39):
how many leaders I don't havetime to.
Well, you're there to supportthe operation.
That's that's.
A leader is not at the top ofthe triangle, they're at the
bottom holding everything up.
So so, yeah, it's, it's needed,it's just.
I mean, that's why both of usare doing what we're doing.
Yeah 100% and it's so.
It's so great to meet peoplelike you and just know that,
(10:00):
like hey, you know there isthere is a rising tide and it
lifts all ships.
That like hey, you know thereis a rising tide and it lifts
all ships.
And I do believe that we'reriding a wave of awakening of
consciousness of people whodon't want to leave the industry
, who don't want to leave this,the work that they love.
They just want to love it again.
They want to love their lives.
They don't just want to keeppushing that off.
(10:21):
It doesn't work.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
All right, everybody, listen up.
I've got big news my new book,multi-unit Mastery, officially
launched today, and I'm doingsomething I've never done before
.
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(10:45):
This book contains the exactindependent restaurant framework
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to control, from surviving tothriving.
But here's the deal this24-hour window closes fast and
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Don't be the person who kicksthemselves tomorrow for not
(11:05):
taking action today.
Go to IRFbookcom right now,grab your free copy and get
ready to transform how you thinkabout scaling your restaurant
business.
The clock is ticking.
Yeah, you made a very importantdistinction.
I want to make sure we don'tstep over, and that is there are
(11:25):
two.
In my experience and you know,being in restaurants for 20
years and now in the coachingspace for a few years there's a
very clear distinction, andthere are two types of leaders.
There are the ones that feellike their teams work for them
and there are the ones that feellike they work for the teams
teams, and I was having aconversation with a client the
(11:46):
other day.
He was so frustrated with histeam's just lack of
inconsistency.
He wants five-star serviceevery single day.
You know 100% perfectionism.
And I reminded him of the storyin Danny Meyer's book Setting
the Table of the Salt Shaker andhow his role as a coach was to
constantly be moving the saltshaker and coaching his team and
that was a really importantmoment for him.
But it was a reminder too thathis job is to support the team,
(12:08):
just like you said and I think.
But again, like you mentioned,you can't.
You have to start byrecognizing.
You know, going through thosestages of change, that you know
that pre-contemplation thatsomething needs to change with
me because something isn't rightwith the team and instead of
pointing the finger at them,it's really being reflective and
(12:29):
that's really really hard to do.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
And, ironically enough, it's the most empowering
.
I mean, if you could be humbleenough to say, oh wait, maybe
it's me, Then you could say, ohwait, maybe I have the power to
change this situation.
I don't have to blame it oneverything else or try to get
everything else around meperfect so I can show up the way
that I want, because that sucks.
(12:52):
That's a really precarioushouse of cards and if one thing
is off or one person shows uplate for their shift, you know
it's just, you have a short fuse, you blow up, you become
reactive, which is what I see ina lot of leaders is just
reactivity.
And I think, just to go alittle deeper into, I'm a
spiritual person, I write, Iwrite a lot of poetry, I teach a
(13:14):
lot of spirituality too, andjust that's where mindfulness
and meditation comes into play,just connecting to something a
little bit deeper.
The purpose of life is to enjoyyour life and then share.
You know like to really be ableto say how may I serve.
But it's really hard to do thatwhen you don't love your life
(13:35):
and you don't really loveyourself or you don't like
yourself.
And I think that one littleswitch of like what's in it for
me today.
You know, hey, I'm going towork, what's in it for me?
Versus I'm going to work, howmay I serve?
It changes everything.
And we're in the serviceindustry, so it's not just
(13:56):
serving the guests.
I mean, as the leader, you'renot serving the guests, you're
you're serving your team.
That is serving the guests.
And if you just change thataround, you're like I'm here to
serve and I need to fill up myown cup for them.
It's not a selfish thing.
You're doing it to support them, you're doing it to be there
for your kids and your spouse,your partner, everyone in your
(14:18):
life.
Then you could really say, well, if I am here to serve, then I
have to go for that walk, I haveto go to the gym, I have to
spend some time with my dog ormy kids or my partner, or in
solitude, or meditating, oreating a real meal and enjoying
it, or drinking a cup of coffee,and not just chugging it down,
(14:39):
these little things everywherethroughout your day.
You could say, no, I have to dothat because I want to serve,
because I'm here to serve.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Yeah, so you were.
You know you tell thisbeautiful story in your class,
but you were in the industry.
You lived in the beautiful townof Breckenridge.
You were skiing a hundred daysa year, but something was
missing for you.
You were in a really dark place.
What was missing?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Oh, that's the question, isn't it?
It's what I was searching for,it's what I was seeking, and you
can call it happiness.
I don't love that word.
You can call it joy.
I love that word a lot moreInner peace, fulfillment,
contentment.
There's so many words for it,but I was looking for it
(15:24):
everywhere else.
I was looking for it all overthe world.
I was looking for it in beachesand ski towns and and, um, even
even in work, you know, andthat's not where it comes from.
Like a lot of what I teachpeople is that you don't get
success from work.
You bring success to your work,which means you have to
cultivate that in yourself first.
It's all about this innercultivation of the thing that
(15:47):
we're looking for everywhereelse.
So that was the visceralwake-up call for me, because I
had every reason to be happy,and most of my clients do too.
They're not worried about money.
They usually live in a nicehouse and maybe they have a
vacation house and they're.
They have the reasons, butthey're miserable.
They're actually sometimessuicidal, and that I know what
(16:11):
that's like, where it's like OK,there's something missing and
it's not.
I don't want to just answer itby like it's not just one thing,
it's not just one thing.
(16:47):
I mean you could use thosewords that I use peace, joy,
self-love, self-hospital theirstaff to be better staffs.
I'm focusing on them and howthey could show up better and
really cultivate that, thatlight, that fire within
themselves that's been muted orburnt out and we get that fire
going again.
And then they realized like, oh,it was, it was me.
It was me.
(17:07):
Wherever you go, there you are,and whether I was on a beach in
Australia or a mountain inColorado, it was me.
It I was still bringing my lackof confidence, my lack of
clarity, my lack of purpose inlife, repression.
You know I was a writer whowasn't writing.
(17:28):
I was a healer who wasn'thealing.
You know it's whatever it islike.
There's something in you, yoursoul, your spirit, that is
healing.
It's moved, moved on, not to anew career or anything, but like
the new levels of joy andexpansion, and and you're still
(17:48):
stuck where you are.
That separation between you andyour soul is the cause of all
depression and anxiety and panicattacks and burnout.
And I always say it's a goodthing because if you're
realizing it, then you'regetting the message and you
could actually start to say, OK,well, something's not working.
So let me figure out what Icould do.
(18:10):
Whether it's picking up one ofyour books or, you know,
reaching out to me or attendinga workshop, or downloading the
masterclass, whatever it is like, do something and start
realizing that, Well, maybe it'sme.
And then if you could just saymaybe it's me, then you take
back all that power.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
I love, you know, I'd love to kind of hear your
perspective here and talk alittle bit about our different
styles.
But when people come to me andthey're really, really
struggling, they're, like youknow, severe.
Like you said, I want to jumpoff a tall building or whatever.
Right, we're not, we're nottherapists, we got to be clear
about that.
But when they come to me andthey're lost and they just say
you know, and, and usuallythey've got successful
(18:52):
businesses running around them,but again, like you said, they
can't see it, they can't feel it, I love to lean into the
language, how they're talking tothemselves, really dive into
their negative thoughts andhelping you know, helping them
identify those empowering wordsversus disempowering words, and
doing work around positiveintelligence and just helping
them be kinder to themselves sothat they can start to focus on
(19:15):
the wins instead of just theproblems all the time.
Because we know that if you gointo your restaurant every
single day and you're justpointing out and I used to be
like this as a leader it's veryeasy to go in and solve the
problems.
It's challenging to slow downand celebrate the wins, but when
you start blending the two, itreally eliminates a lot of
stress and anxiety and you startto see things different.
(19:37):
Right, you start to show updifferently and I'm curious when
someone comes to you andthey're completely lost and they
don't even know how to startlooking inside or what they're
looking for or how to identifytheir soul, like, how do you
help them?
Just get started?
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Ah, such a good question and it's so, it's so
simple, like it really is.
Um, like the way that I take myclients through my program, the
very first thing is, oh, I callit, presence.
You know, and I use thisanalogy of like you're trying to
start a fire in the woods butit's really, really windy out,
and if you've ever tried tostart a fire in a windstorm,
(20:18):
it's almost impossible.
So the first thing that we'redoing is just calming the storm,
we're calming the winds, we'resettling down the hectic pace of
life, like really just slowingthings down.
And that all starts withlearning about mindfulness, and
practicing mindfulness, whichreally is about meditation, is
the practice of mindfulness.
(20:38):
It's like taking your, youroveractive mind to the gym and
say, hey, you're just going tosit here and focus on something
Usually it's your breath for afew minutes, and it's like doing
reps.
And you're like, no, I don'twant to get up, I'm hungry, I'm
tired, I'm busy, I'm stressed, Idon't want to do this.
And you're like, wait, there'sa thought, I'm going to bring it
back to my breathing.
You do that a few minutes a dayfor a couple of days.
(21:06):
I'm not talking hours a day forweeks or months, I mean a
couple of minutes, for a coupleof days, things will start
changing in your life.
The pace of life will slow down.
You're not going to be soreactive.
I mean, something will happen.
This happened to me right when Istarted meditating.
I was taking dishes out of thedishwasher and this beautiful
glass Tupperware slipped.
It was wet and broke on thefloor and I just remembered
(21:27):
being like, oh, I guess I'llclean that up.
Like a week ago I would havelost my mind, it would have
ruined my day, I would have beencursing it.
Who put this in here the wrongway?
Or it's always someone else'sfault, or if I wasn't in such a
rush, I'm so stupid and justkeep talking about and I'm just
like it was none of that.
(21:47):
It was just something broke.
I'm going to clean it up andget on with my day.
And it felt so.
I feel it now Like it feels sogood.
It feels amazing to have thatlittle magic gap of you know
someone saying hey, we, you knowthere's this emergency, and
it's like let's take a breath.
Like is it really an emergency?
Is someone dying?
(22:08):
It's like the printer ran outof paper, you know.
It's like yeah this isn't thisis an emergency, like take a
breath and let's, let's solvethe problem.
Because leaders I mean we areproblem solvers and when we kind
of look at our jobs and sayeverything pisses me off, it's
like, well, what are you therefor?
Like, you're there to solveproblems, so go in there with
(22:30):
that attitude of like I'm goingto keep a calm head, I'm going
to be cool, I'm going to bebalanced, equanimous and just
flow through my day.
But you can't just say it, youhave to practice it.
You literally have to take yourmind, your overactive, burnt
out, stressed out mind, to thegym.
(22:51):
You got to whip it into shape alittle bit and say, you know,
it's a I'm the master here.
This, like I'm literallypointing to me, I am the master,
not this, this is my servant.
And for 35 years of my life Iwas a slave to what was
happening in here.
I thought I was my thoughts, Ithought my thoughts were real.
(23:12):
And all of that unwindinghappens right away with my
clients.
The very first thing, beforefiguring out what's your North
Star, what do you want with yourlife?
What's important?
What's your purpose?
What's your North star?
What do you want with your life?
What's important, what's yourpurpose?
None of that matters, becauseit's.
If you don't spend time calmingdown all that noise and the
(23:33):
storm, you're going to be makingdecisions from a place of
stress, or comparisons orcompetition or programming.
A lot of what we do isdeprogramming everything that we
learned.
I was actually just working ona poem.
I'd love to share it with you.
It's a short poem, but it's noton the nose like this is for
hospitality leaders.
But this is everything that Icoach.
(23:56):
I call this right now I'mcalling it Superboy, and I just
want to introduce this by sayingwe're so programmed.
We're programmed to be negative.
We're programmed to deferhappiness for tomorrow, for the
weekend, for the vacation, forretirement.
Don't get me started on that,but it all comes from our
(24:17):
childhood.
And if you could just say hey,like I got some faulty
programming, it's no one's fault.
My parents did the best theycould, my caretakers did the
best they could, my teachers didthe best they could, but they
were just doing whatever theyknew how to do and I got some
faulty programming.
So that's what this is about,super boy.
What would it be like?
(24:38):
How would it feel if they toldme as a child hey, kid, here's
the deal.
You have nothing to prove, nolessons to learn.
You're here for the joy.
You have nothing to earn.
You can try anything.
There's nothing to fear, andwhen you feel something deeply,
what you desire will appear.
(24:59):
There's no competition.
You're not in a race Sinceyou've already won.
It's a life of first place.
You're here to be present andnot a moment to miss.
Just heed these three words.
Follow your bliss, ask in thesilence while you free your mind
.
Follow your intuition, leavingworry far behind.
(25:22):
And as you continue to grow, sotoo will your light.
You're here to guide othersthrough the darkness of the
night.
Your purpose here is simpleEnjoy life and share that joy.
You want to be a superman First.
Have fun as a superboy.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
I love it.
That's beautiful.
Thank you for sharing that.
It's so fun havingconversations with coaches
because it's it's a different.
There's a different languagethat we speak and I think we're
always internalizing thingsdifferently.
And you know, I don't knowabout you, but I'm constantly
listening to what other coachesare saying and try to
(26:04):
internalize it and then thinkabout, like, how I can
incorporate that in my coachingor how I can incorporate that in
my own life and I'll say youknow again with your class this
morning, oftentimes I'll give myclients advice and then I'll.
It's the advice that I need togive myself right so last week I
challenged a client to meditateoutside.
(26:24):
She was terrified.
She'd never met it, meditatedbefore.
But she lives right on theocean and I thought oh, what a
beautiful place and I've beenmeditating for years.
I started meditating when Istopped drinking because I
realized I had anxiety and Ijust really couldn't figure out
how to calm myself down.
And so meditation was reallypowerful and I try to do it.
I don't do it every day, but Istill suck at it.
(26:44):
You know, I'll try for 10minutes and maybe I'll get in
for a minute or two, but thismorning I was listening to your
class and I was walking the dogsand I said you know what?
I'm going to take my own advice.
I'm going to sit down in natureand I'm going to meditate.
And it was.
It was so powerful because itwas in a completely different
space.
You know, I meditate in myhouse and my gym and it's little
(27:06):
, in a tiny room.
And now I was outside in naturewith just all of this amazing
space, and when I opened my eyes, all the cacti look different,
these beautiful purple flowers,bushes that had been in bloom,
that I hadn't seen I walk thisthing every day that I hadn't
seen in the last two weeks werethere.
You know it.
Just weeks were there.
I very much needed it.
(27:26):
So thank you for that.
But I think it's really easy forus to be preachy sometimes.
Well, for me, I don't want tospeak for everybody, but I think
it's really easy for mesometimes to be a little preachy
or find an idea and then talkabout it like I created it
because I'm so excited about it,or say things like be present,
be present, be present, how canyou be present, how can you be
(27:47):
more present?
And that's really difficult todo.
What is what?
And I know we've talked, you'vementioned it a couple times on
the during the conversationtoday but what does it mean to,
from your perspective, to befully present in one's life?
Speaker 2 (28:05):
I think that's a great question.
I think a lot of people reallymake this stuff harder than it
is.
Being present is being aware ofyour thoughts and your emotions
, not getting caught up in themand not letting them affect you.
You know, it's almost likeyou're the.
You become the witness, youbecome the observer of your
(28:26):
thoughts and your emotions, andwhen you do that, you get to
actually be the sifter of yourthoughts.
You know you could say like isthis thought serving me?
And most of the time it'sreally not, and it's almost
always repetitive.
It's something that we keepthinking over and over again.
So once you kind of have thatseparation of yourself, your
(28:49):
true self, from your thoughts,it just gets easier to be
present.
And another way of looking atpresence is just, um, not being
distracted.
Our lifetime, we're alwaysliterally trained to be
distracted.
We have full schedules, we'rescrolling on social media,
(29:11):
everything on the news is allyou know, quick clips and
training us to have this tiny,tiny short attention span.
So people say like, well, Ican't focus, or I think I have.
Add.
Almost everyone thinks that,and I'm not.
I'm not a doctor, I don't knowif you do or not, but you're
just always trained indistraction if you're not
(29:31):
actively practicing trainingyourself in focus.
And when you do that, it's justeasier to be present.
And I'm not saying saying,believe me, I actually meditated
on the beach this morning.
It was awesome.
But I also, you know, I walkedthe whole beach, sat down on
this beautiful bluff overlookingtwo different beaches, and I
(29:53):
look out.
I'm like man, like I didn'treally see those clouds until
just now.
I just spent a half hour 45minutes walking the beach.
Now, I just spent a half hour45 minutes walking the beach.
But it took it took me likesitting and not looking at my
phone or not worrying about mydog, to to just take everything
in.
And I think when you startdoing that, you realize, wow,
(30:14):
how much am I missing.
If I missed that thing, if youmiss those flowers in bloom, if
I miss a beautiful, you knowthat thing.
If you miss those flowers inbloom, if I miss a beautiful,
you know cloud formation ormountains in the distance, or
you know, even just likeappreciating my dog's smile.
It's so easy to just be like,all right, let's get on with our
walk.
It's like, no, like, let'sappreciate these little things,
(30:36):
because the little simple thingsare everything and life just
gets so much richer, like itreally does.
It's funny, my two past clientshave been named rich and I keep
using that as a pun.
I'm like, I'm like there areriches in rich time and your
life is getting richer, you know, and it's just true, like the
(30:57):
little things of enjoying, youknow, the coffee, like enjoying
the coffee, you enjoying thecoffee.
I took an extra 10 seconds tofroth up my milk and put
cinnamon on it, these thingsthat it's so easy to be like I
don't have time for that.
I don't have time for that.
It's like, but if you did andyou felt the joy that it gave
you and then you had a bettermeeting after that or you had a
(31:21):
more enjoyable conversation,you're going to, you're going to
start putting those thingstogether and that all it all
comes from presence.
So I love that question becauseI do think it's easy to throw
around these things and they geta little old or played out
cliche.
And it's like, I mean, I, I'm awordsmith and I mean I'm a
(31:53):
wordsmith.
I'm always, you know, trying tocome up with ways to get people
to, to just say like, hey, doyou want to get to the end of
your life and look back and sayI spent my entire life in a rush
?
I didn't, I didn't slow down,like what was I rushing towards
boards?
There is no destination,there's not.
It's a real disease of ourculture and our society is that
we're all kind of marching tosomething and we're not.
It steals our lives away.
(32:13):
And we're supposed to enjoy ourwork, we're supposed to enjoy
our lives.
We're supposed to enjoy eachand every day.
And if you're not, let that bea wake-up call to say, well,
what could I do differently?
Yeah, mike, what's a typicalday look like for you?
Well, it depends on the day.
(32:37):
I do think that having aschedule that is sacred is
really important, especially forleaders, not to say it's
non-negotiable, because thingscome up, they do.
I have certain things in mylife that are non-negotiable.
I do meditate every singlemorning, but most days for me, I
wake up pretty early, five orsix, and I don't start work
(32:59):
until about noon.
Now, this is extreme, you know,but this is practicing what I
coach.
I typically go to the beachwith my dog for an hour or two,
maybe more.
I'll do some stretching, I'lldo meditation, I'll do my
affirmations.
I will literally daydream aboutlike how life could be better,
(33:24):
like what's the next thing,speaking on bigger stages,
writing best-selling novels andpoetry books and working with
more interesting people, and howcould it get better?
And then it's like, okay, well,I daydream about, like the life
that I'm moving towards.
And then I say like, well, look, how could today be amazing.
Like I'm going to be on thispodcast.
I mean, I thought about thatthis morning, like it's going to
(33:45):
be an amazing podcast.
So I do some visualizations andaffirmations.
Um, I like to send out goodvibes to the people in my life
my, my family, my clients, myfriends.
Um, a lot of gratitude, a lotof gratitude, a lot of gratitude
(34:07):
, a lot of gratitude, just um.
I mean I, I almost always, Ialmost every day, cry tears of
joy.
I don't think I did thismorning, even though it was
great meditation, just full,full, full transparency.
But most mornings I get myselfinto a state of gratitude where
I am literally crying tears ofjoy.
Um, and what a better way tostart the day Like.
And then, and then you know, Iuh, I usually either get into
(34:29):
some writing or I go to the gym.
I meet with my trainer threetimes a week.
So today I was at the gym thismorning and that then I'm like I
come home, eat a great lunchand then it's like game on, like
I'm full of life.
I'm full of life, I'm full ofenergy.
You know, let's, let's get thispodcast going, let's get to my.
I have to get back to a clientafter this and it's not like I
have to.
You know.
That's another thing.
(34:50):
This, this client messaged me onfriday, on saturday and on
sunday and I'm getting back tohim today because those are the
ground rules that I set with him.
You know the expectations thatI set.
So, even though I saw hismessage come in on Friday and
Saturday, it's like that's not,that's not the right time for me
.
I'm going to be in the rightheadspace on Monday and give him
(35:11):
a beautiful reflection.
Maybe I'll spend an hour givinghim reflections and messages,
but it's that unwinding of likeI need to be so responsive.
If an email comes in, I got torespond to it right away.
I think people expect what youtrain them to expect.
So if you're always on, if youhave no boundaries, if you're
(35:32):
always available at any hour ofthe night or early morning, then
that's just what people expect.
And if you say, hey, this iswhen I work, this is when I
don't, and during those offhours, this is how you can reach
me, which is what I tell myclients.
Except for Sundays, my phone isoff.
I go completely tech free onSunday, which is such a gift
it's amazing to realize.
(35:53):
Just do it for a few hours,you'll lose your mind.
You'll feel so uncomfortablethat you don't have chat, tpt to
ask a question to, or you can'ttake a photo, or you can't
write something down in yourphone.
You start to realize, like, howdependent we are.
And then you know I'll work forseveral hours and right around
(36:13):
sunset I'll probably go back tothe beach.
Typically, I'm at the beachtwice a day on a normal day and
uh, and then I might come homeand do a little more work or
just read and go to bed.
Um, I'm not, you know, I'm not a, a hermit.
Um, I have a pretty simple likekind of.
I have a lot of solitude in mylife, but I have friends, I have
(36:37):
relationships, I go out, um,but it's a balance.
It's a balance.
Most of my days are very simpleand just filled with simple
joys, and my work is a joy too.
I mean, I'm thankful every daybecause I really know what it's
like to dread going to work andto just feel like work is
(37:00):
something that I look forward to, is such a gift, and I want I
want to share that with people.
I want to show them that it'spossible for them too.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Yeah, absolutely.
I'm a huge proponent ofdisconnecting for three days or
10 days or 30 minutes.
This this weekend, I took myApple watch off for a few hours
because I had a lot of stuff Ineeded to get done around the
house and I forget.
You know that it was like timestood still and I forget.
(37:29):
When I put the watch back on,all the notifications from
social media, LinkedIn, and theemails and the text message.
It's just all this noise that Icreate and every time I just
take a minute, I usually comeback and go okay, there are a
couple of things here I candelete, or notifications I can
turn off, because I just don'tneed.
I don't need every Instagrampost coming to my watch.
I don't need every LinkedInpost coming to my watch.
So, yeah, a huge proponent ofthat.
(37:51):
If people want to work with you, Mike, how do they get ahold of
you?
Speaker 2 (37:56):
So my website's mikemeseroffcom.
That's a great place to justlearn more about me and my
coaching and I'm on most socialmedia channels.
It's just at Mike Meseroff.
I'm pretty active on LinkedIn.
I would just encourage anyoneto just send a message.
That's the best way.
I actually took my booking linkdown because I'd prefer to
(38:17):
start a conversation on LinkedInor text message or email, to
start a conversation on LinkedInor text message or email, and
then we can move to a Zoom callif it makes sense, but that's
kind of the best way to justreach out.
You know whether it's LinkedInor shoot me an email.
It's Mike at MikeMezeroffcom.
As you know, I'm launching thiscommunity which I'm really,
(38:39):
really excited about theSelf-Hospitality Collective
because I only work with one ortwo clients at a time and, as
you know, there's a lot ofpeople suffering in this
industry.
So I'm developing justsomething that you know I kind
of wish I had, which is just aplace to feel seen and heard and
(39:00):
to exhale, to not always needto be on or performing, and it's
going to be a free communitywith opportunity to get support
from the community.
But also I'm going to besharing my own words and
practical tips and meditationsand visualizations and things
like that.
So once that launches, it willbe the self hospitality
(39:23):
collectivecom and then that'sfree to join.
That's where the selfhospitality masterclass is going
to live.
I'm just, you know, going backto that like how may I serve?
It's just like, that's just it,like I, just when you're in a
really dark place and you get toa lighter place, you just want
(39:43):
to share it.
I know you know that, um, myclients do too.
You know, one of them actuallybecame a coach, but most just
stay in their work.
But they, they're, they're moregiving, they, they, they mentor
more, they volunteer more.
They just want to share, um,their, their joy.
So so it's just, uh, it'ssomething that I just, I can't
(40:06):
not do, and it's always.
It's the same, whether it'scoaching or writing, poetry
speaking, it's all the same.
It's enjoy your life and sharefrom that joy.
And if you're, if it feels likeyou're grinding, if it feels
like you're burning out, thenyou are.
And that's a good thing thatyou're noticing.
(40:26):
Because if you, if you, if youignore it, then those warnings
turn into full blown alarms, thenudges and the taps on the
shoulder become shakes, and andthen you have to.
You have to at some point.
You know, take, take notice.
So you might as well, might aswell, start now if you're
feeling like, hey, I could feela little more peace, I could
(40:47):
feel a little more joy.
And also, a lot of people don'twant to do it for them, and I
always say don't do it foryourself, do it for your kids,
do it for your dog that missesyou know, you looking in its
eyes, do it for your partner, doit for all the people that you
work with or that work for you,and and put your take yourself
out of it, just say like, hey,it's my responsibility to to
(41:17):
show up in this world and sharejoy and share love and share
light.
And if I don't feel that, thenit's also my responsibility to
figure out how to startcultivating that.
And it it's.
It's not hard, it really itreally isn't.
It just takes a little.
It takes getting to a pointwhere it's dark enough, yeah,
yeah, and low enough to be likeall right, like it doesn't have
to go any lower than this.
I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
I'm ready to do something different yeah, yeah,
I mean it does you know?
I think it's.
For me, it was having a reallydifficult time getting out of
bed in the morning and losingsight of what I loved and
knowing that deep down that itwasn't me.
That wasn't me who was showingup, and so something had to
change.
So, mike, thank you so much forall your insight today.
Thank you for your time workingin the industry and everything
(41:59):
that you're doing for thehospitality industry.
We're so lucky to have you, andwe'll put all the links in the
show notes so that anybodythat's listening that's taken
something away from this today.
One little moment of insight orone perspective shift can
connect with Mike and startdoing some of this deep work.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
So thank you so much.
Really appreciate your timeAbsolutely.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
You bet.
Thanks everybody that's goingto do it for us.
We will see you so much.
Really appreciate your time.
Thank you so much.
Thanks everybody that's goingto do it for us.
We will see you next week.
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