October 28, 2023 • 59 mins
Have you ever questioned societal norms or expectations? In an intimate chat with Kristen Miller, a licensed social worker, coach, counselor, and survivor of infidelity and divorce, we explore the importance of listening to our inner voice and the courage it takes to defy societal norms. Kristen opens up about her personal journey of love, heartbreak, and transformation - a narrative that will tug at your heartstrings and inspire you to see life's challenges as opportunities for personal growth.
Discover the power of self-reliance as Kristen shares her struggle with societal expectations and how it led to self-fulfilling prophecies, conditioning us into people-pleasing habits. The conversation takes an emotional turn as Kristen recounts the arduous process of divorce and its impact on the entire family. This episode is an ode to the strength of everyone navigating through these challenging times, and a reminder to cultivate compassion for ourselves.
Always wanted to take the road less traveled? Join us as Kristen recounts her solo kayak trip in Italy - a journey that became a stepping stone for her healing and self-discovery. Learn about the importance of processing grief, regulating emotions, and prioritizing self-care. Listen to Kristen's tale of transformation, healing, and self-discovery, and you too can transform your struggles into a journey of resilience and inner strength.
Please visit us at: http://retreattopeace.com to find out more about the shows you love to listen to, the upcoming retreats we have planned and your favorite merchandise to help support those in need. Also, send us your testimonial of how the show or Catherine has helped you. We would love to share your story on the air.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Thank you so much for being here with me today.
We know that we live in somevolatile times and we know that
the world is changing, so let'screate a bridge as we travel
through one another's countries,removing all the labels, coming
together as one people in oneworld, and that's why our
(00:47):
signature talk today, letting goof the fairy tale is so
important, and today I am soexcited to welcome my guests
Kristen Miller.
Hi Kristen, hi Catherine, howare you?
I'm doing great.
How are you today?
I'm great.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having metoday.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Oh, we're so excited to have you with us today.
I know that your podcast isgoing to be so impactful to so
many people around the world,especially little girls if any
little girls are listeningbecause your message is just
amazing.
So, for the audience, you are aL M Well, you're like a L M S W
(01:31):
, which is a licensed socialworker, and you're a coach,
you're a counselor, you're aneducator, you're a mom and
you're a lover of adventure.
You also are specialists whohelp women move beyond just the
surviving mode of infidelity anddivorce.
You help them transform bystepping into their own personal
(01:54):
power and forging a life offull of love and excitement and
adventure.
And I love all of that because Ipersonally am divorced, so I
totally get this language and Iget that.
So I wanted to, you know, justget started from the top,
because you know there's so muchto this idea of letting go of
(02:16):
the fairy tale and I think somany women get wrapped up as
little girls in this idea ofthis fairy tale.
So share with us a little bitabout your journey and how this
got started, yeah, wow.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
So I'm going to start sort of in the middle of my
story.
I met and married a, my princecharming, when I was 40.
And I had this notion of justbeing whisked away and going on
(02:53):
and living, living thiswonderful, easy fairy tale like
like.
This was my happily ever after.
This was my ending, right, thiswas.
This was where I got to behappy in my story and and it was
great, until things weren't sohappy anymore.
(03:15):
And I remember finding myselfone day just in complete
disbelief that my fairy tale wasactually ending and I was in
denial that I was looking downthe path of my not just a
divorce, but my second divorcein my life and it was daunting
(03:39):
for me to think that at 47 yearsold, I was going to be starting
over, I was going to bedivorced for the second time and
my fairytale was done.
And where do I go from here andwhat does that mean for me as a
woman in middle-aged where Ithought my husband and I were
(04:04):
going to be?
You know traveling and spendingthese wonderful golden years
together on these adventures,and you know raising
grandchildren, watching our.
You know having our kids go offand get married and live the
fairytale.
And all of a sudden it all cameto a screeching halt and I was
(04:27):
devastated.
I was devastated and it forcedme to take a look at myself Like
how did I get here?
Who am I now without my princecharming, without that, happily
ever after?
And where do I go from here?
(04:49):
And you know, I just remember.
I remember sitting in my diningroom floor.
I was curled up in a ball on mydining room floor one day and
thinking why is this happening?
What is happening and why?
And I'm a firm believer thateverything happens for a reason.
(05:11):
I think there's a lesson ineverything and I think that
everything happens for reason.
It sounds cliche, but I myselfhave to hold on to that belief
because without it I'm not sureI would have been able to get
through this.
But I also made a decision inthat moment, when I was in the
(05:34):
heap on my dining room floor,tears like ugly crying you know
that ugly sobbing.
Thank god nobody was homecrying Because I decided in that
moment that this wasn't goingto be happening for no reason,
(05:56):
that this pain that I wasfeeling was not going to just be
there for no reason.
So I made the decision in thatmoment that I was going to make
something good happen out ofthis, and I didn't know what it
(06:17):
was at the time, but I just knewthat I had to find some meaning
in my circumstances.
So, fast forward a little bit,I found myself sort of packing
(06:38):
moving, still somewhat in denial, but going through that whole
process of separating and tryingto heal.
And because I made thatdecision to make use of this and
find some positive out of thissituation, and I knew it was
(07:00):
going to be a long, hard road,but I was determined to take and
accept every opportunity thatwas presented to me.
Because I'm such a firmbeliever that everything happens
for a reason, I knew that ifsomething was afforded to me, if
something was presented to me,I had to take the opportunity.
(07:26):
So November comes, I move outsuddenly, quickly and rather
unexpectedly that day and I gotan email.
I got an odd kind of one ofthose advertising emails to go
on a to join a conference inMiami sometime in like February.
(07:53):
And I was like and it was free,it was free.
I was in the education system,it was free for teachers at the
time and teachers public serviceworkers.
So I said well, all I have todo is book a flight.
I had no idea what I wasgetting myself into.
And I went down there and itwas actually a business
(08:14):
conference.
And I found myself there Like Idon't know what I'm doing here,
I don't.
I didn't know anybody, I didn'teven know who the speaker was.
I didn't even know what thecontent was.
I think if I had known ahead oftime that it was a business one
, I would have been like I'm notgoing Because I didn't see how
it applied to me.
(08:35):
And I started to meet new peopleand they were all asking you
know, what are, what are youdoing here?
And I said you know, I honestlydon't know.
All I know is that this cameacross my desk and my husband
just left and I knew I was on atrajectory for a new future and
(08:55):
I didn't know what it was.
So I just said, okay, well,I'll take it, it's an
opportunity.
And they were like wow, youknow, you have such a story to
tell.
And I didn't really think ofmyself as having a story to tell
, because I just thought I wasgoing through this really
horrific situation that manypeople go through.
(09:17):
So I talked to people allweekend, I made some new friends
and I still couldn't figure outwhat I was going to pull from
this experience, other thanpeople said you have a story to
tell.
And I was like, okay, all right, so I think I'm getting that
(09:37):
part of it, that I have somekind of story to tell to help
people.
And when I was about to leavethat last day because I had to
catch my flight home, and thevery last speaker was a speaker
on telling your story, and I waslike, wow, so I stayed and I
(10:05):
was like this is why I needed tocome here, because it just sort
of set in motion what the nextpart of my future was going to
be.
So when I how I came to theprocess and through the process
of identifying, letting go ofthe fairy tale, is that I
(10:30):
remember holding on so tight,holding on to my marriage,
because I didn't want that fairytale to end.
Because in my mind I mean, Iremember being a little girl
thinking one day my PrinceCharming is going to come along,
he's going to whisk me away,you know.
(10:51):
And that is when happinessbegins, and I think we're
groomed as little girls tobelieve that that's when your
life begins.
Your life actually begins, withthe Prince Charming showing up,
and the wedding, the babies andthe family, and that's where
(11:16):
life sort of begins and ends,and that's just where it is, and
I was groomed to believe that.
But I found myself in asituation where, whoa, my Prince
Charming just turned into afrog.
Now what do I do, you know?
(11:37):
And then I was thinking tomyself my gosh, you know where
do I go from here?
And I have to decide now.
Do I want to hold on to thatfairy tale that I carried with
me my whole life, that story,and remain in this unhealthy
mindset, or do I want to decidefor myself okay, what is my
(12:04):
story going to end?
This was a chapter and now I'mnot going to let my life end
here at this chapter, not withthis tragic ending.
This is just a stepping stoneto my next adventure.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
I love that idea of the stepping stone because I
think that's so powerful and Imean, I know in society there's
so many movies that wrap littlegirls up in that idea that you
talk about where, literally,that's when your life starts.
Like you, it's all leading upto that, and then there, there
(12:47):
it is, there you go, and it issomething you know that it's
with the dolls that keep, youknow the little girls are
playing with, like they dressthem up as you know, brides, or
it's the talk that they have,you know, with their friends and
things like that.
It's like what their dreamwedding would look like, you
(13:07):
know, and all of these things.
And I can say you know, for foreven young adults today I see
less young adults gettingmarried, but the ones that do
get married they still have thatideal idea of what the dream
wedding looks like and,especially now with COVID, like
(13:28):
a lot of these women are justshattered because they're not
able to have their dream weddingright the way that they
envisioned it or the way itlooked like in the movies that
they had watched.
But yeah, there's so much thatyou're saying.
But I also love the idea of likejust following that inner voice
(13:50):
of you know what, I'm justgoing to go and I'm going to go
in this conference and, yes,there it is, we're going to show
you how to tell your story.
So it's just really, reallypowerful and it's almost like,
okay, I'm just going to, youknow, do me, because all these
years I've been doing everythingelse that was maybe counter to
(14:13):
my inner self and what thatvoice said.
But I mean, did you feel likeyour first marriage was?
Were there similar things toyour second marriage as far as,
like how that looked, or is thatsomething that looked
completely different?
Like what kind of what kind ofroped this all you know up as
far as how it ended?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Right so so, ironically enough, my my first
marriage.
I take full responsibility forthat.
I was young.
We were high school sweethearts, I had just graduated college,
so I was on that trajectory andwe were following that path to
(14:56):
where happiness is supposed tobe.
At the end I finished college,he proposed.
I said yes, there was a familyexpectation because my father
and his father were friends whenthey were boys and my father
was his father's best man andour grandmothers worked in the
(15:18):
same store together and when wewere born they would joke around
and say, oh, wouldn't it bewonderful if they grew up and
got married.
So we had all of these layersof expectations placed on us
that I think not even soconsciously.
They were there and becameself-fulfilling prophecies.
(15:39):
And we don't teach girls,especially we don't teach them
to listen to their inner voiceand follow their dreams.
We are almost grooming them tojust live in fear and not in
(16:00):
confidence.
You know I think to myself gosh, and if he listens to this, you
know he and I have had theseconversations.
My first husband and I.
I knew walking down the aisle Ididn't want to get married.
I knew the day he proposed thatI didn't want that.
(16:21):
That was not the story I reallywanted, but I was so in such a
people-pleasing mode I wasafraid of disappointing.
You know, we are alwaysgrooming our little girls to do
the right thing and be a goodgirl and, you know, follow the
rules and directions.
And that's what I was doing.
(16:42):
That's who I was at that time,even though I knew in my soul
that that is not what I wanted.
But there was no good reason forme to say no and not follow
through with it, because he wasa great guy, he was a good
person, he had a great family.
I loved his family.
You know it was all right.
(17:03):
He checked all the boxes and Iwent through with it and at the
time, you know, I went in withokay, I'm gonna make this work.
I don't have a reason otherthan this little voice inside my
head that kept saying "'Kristin, don't do it'".
(17:24):
But I kept quieting that voice.
And then one day I woke up andI was going back to grad school
and I just looked at myself inthe mirror and I said you're a
hypocrite Christian.
You're going to help otherpeople face their own fears and
(17:48):
you're not doing the same thing.
You have got to make a changeand that, at that point, was the
end of my marriage, but thebeginning of me being true to
myself.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yeah, and that's powerful right there, what you
just said, what you just said.
I think sometimes that littlewaste in your head could be
self-doubt, but if it'ssomething that is consistent and
it's moving through youconsistently, I don't think it's
self-doubt anymore.
I think it's more your innerinstinct, your intuitive self,
(18:27):
is rising to the top and sayingwait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's red flags or somethingthat's not right here.
You know we need to correct it.
So I definitely can understandthat.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yeah, yeah, it was, and it was scary.
It was scary but for the firsttime in my life I really felt
like I was connected with who Iwas.
Yeah, but again it kind ofcarried with me that be the good
girl.
And that fairy tale still wasthere.
(18:59):
It was still there.
I was still found.
The next 10 years I was stilllooking for that fairy tale and
then my second husband camealong and he just really seemed
like the true Prince Charming.
He even proposed under thecastle in Disneyland, with our
(19:19):
kids around us, you know, and itwas perfect.
It was like here it is, here ismy Prince Charming under the
castle with the fireworks,everything.
It couldn't have been moreperfect.
And I thought that that was it,that was going to be the happy
ending.
(19:40):
And it wasn't.
You know it was, but it was thestep I needed to move into the
future that I really was meantto go in.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, and everything about this fairy tale is outside
of yourself.
So it's like you are constantlygoing and searching for
something outside of you andreally you held the key the
whole time just within you.
That's where your happiness was.
(20:18):
It wasn't at a castle with yourchildren surrounding you with a
proposal.
It was all within you the wholetime.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Right, right.
And that's the message I wantwomen to hear, and women to.
You know and I speakspecifically to women because
that is who I made the decisionto really focus on in my work
but it speaks to men also,because it doesn't matter if you
(20:50):
are single forever, if you'redivorced two, three, four times
once, or if you have never metyour Prince Charming.
The important thing to rememberis that, yes, it is within you.
We are conditioned to believethat happiness comes with the
(21:15):
outside, external validation,and it doesn't.
But now, as adults, when we gothrough this and we are thinking
, oh my gosh, now what do I do?
Or what is wrong with me?
Because Prince Charming didn'tcome, or he left, or, you know,
(21:40):
the fairy tale didn't pan outquite the way I thought it was
going to, that it's not theexternal experiences that define
who you are as a person or yourhappiness, and that's that
conditioning that we grew upwith, that we now need to
(22:01):
recondition.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, and there's also this other side of it too.
You know, as a woman who's beenthrough a divorce and as a
mother, you know, with childrenit's really difficult because
you go through this grievingprocess and it's not just you
going through the grievingprocess, but you also have your
(22:23):
children who go through thisgrieving process.
And I know for myself I washell bent that I was going to
stay married and I was going tomake this work and despite
everything I tried, everything Idid, it's like it just was to
no avail and it got to a placewhere it was just like I just
(22:44):
don't know what else to do.
But you know, go go throughthat process of divorce and I
just remember feeling sodefeated by it in the time that
I was going through it andrecognizing that I was doing a
lot of comparing of myself to mygrandparents for example my
(23:09):
grandparents met when they werechildren, literally they were
six and seven years old, andthey used to get on, you know,
the wagon with the hail bit orthe bays, or bails of hay is
what I'm trying to say.
And you know, in the fall theywould like sit on the bails of
hay in the wagon and go throughthe fields of the farm and, you
(23:32):
know, pick pumpkins in thepumpkin patch and as they grew
up, they eventually you know,built a friendship, or a really
strong friendship that turnedinto love and then marriage, and
you know, they continued theirlife on their whole journey.
They were together, their wholeentire journey.
That generation, though, that'swhat they did, good, bad or
(23:53):
indifferent.
They didn't have theirespecially the women.
They didn't have their personalfreedom.
They didn't have the ability towalk away from something and
have that kind of freedom.
And in today's world, bothindividuals have their freedom.
They literally can create thelife that they want.
(24:15):
And I think that's where lettinggo of the fairy tale is so
powerful, because no longer arewe living in a place and time
where this is how you do thingsRight.
It is something now where youcan design it to be what you
want it to be.
But what I started off sayingis like this feeling of like
(24:37):
deflation, like I failed, likethere was all of this feeling
around it, and having to learnthat it was an understanding in
this process and this movement,you know, moving forward like
don't sit in the past but moveforward and move through it, and
then release yourself fromcomparing to your grandparents
(25:00):
for me personally, but I know somany people who've been through
divorce and they go throughthis similar sense of you know,
I failed my parents because ofwhat you said earlier like they
expected me to marry this person.
I mean talk to that a little bit, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
So again it goes back to that conditioning, that
belief, that story we tellourselves our whole life that we
, in order to be successful, inorder to make it in the world,
in order to make it in life, youhave to have that successful
marriage with the 2.3 childrenand the picket fence send the
(25:39):
house in the hill and you know,in the career.
And now, with all of the women'smovements have shifted and put
even more expectations on thatladder for women, especially
that now you also have to managea career in the house and the
(26:01):
family and, you know, maintain ahealthy, happy relationship.
And it's almost absolutely Idon't want to say almost it is
unfair the emotional strain andthe emotional weight that women
especially have to carrythroughout their days Because
(26:25):
somehow, if you aren't asuccessful business person and
raising your kids and marriedand keeping it all together and
happy, you're supposed to behappy through it all too and not
exhausted that you're somehow afailure.
And then we carry this burdenof shame and guilt with us and
(26:49):
that is something that createsthis unhealthy mindset that
there's something somehow wrongwith us, like there's an
inherent disconnect in who weare and who we need to be,
because we're allowing again,all of these external
(27:13):
expectations to determine whatour happiness is going to be.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
It's so true.
I mean, I know for myself whenI was going through this process
, it was almost liberating whenI let go of this idea that I had
for myself how it would be.
I mean, of course, you know,there was this grief, there was
this grieving process and therewas a sadness for my children.
(27:45):
There was a sadness for thispart of myself.
But, like you, I got marriedreally young and they didn't
really know myself well enough.
I didn't give myself the spaceto understand what I really
wanted with my life.
And then, attaching this notionthat this is the way it's
supposed to be, because this iswhat everybody else does Like, I
(28:07):
really denied myself anopportunity to really understand
and evolve Right.
So I had to give myselfforgiveness.
I had to give myself compassionand empathy and just allow
myself to move through it,understanding that I did the
best I could in the moment thatI had.
(28:29):
But now, looking, you know,looking forward, it's like, okay
, any relationship is completelydifferent now because
understanding, you know, we haveour freedoms and we come
together differently because ofthe maturity level it does, it
looks different, it feelsdifferent, Everything about it
(28:50):
is completely different.
But I really want to ask you,like this inner voice, that like
you had had with your marriages.
I mean, you say things happenfor a reason and you talk about
the conference, but like wasthere anything else that came
through that really like smackedyou and was like you know what?
(29:12):
This is the path I'm on,because I think this happens to
a lot of people and they doignore it until they're really
hit hard with something thatlike okay, this is your aha
moment, let's switch gears.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Yeah, have something like that I do.
Actually, about six months intomy second marriage, I, my
husband and I, were goingthrough exploring the
opportunity of having a child.
So I had an appointment with anfertility specialist one
(29:50):
morning and I got in my car andI had this feeling it was
snowing out.
It's not always great to, youknow, drive in the snow, but I
could handle it.
I didn't mind it so much.
I actually enjoyed the snow.
It was peaceful, it was quiet,not too many people are out on
the road.
I'm going, we're determined.
(30:10):
This is, this is the process,this is the journey we think we
want to take.
So I get in my car but I havethis feeling and it's the same
feeling I've had in the past.
Now I'm recognizing it, but I'mstill not listening to it.
I didn't know what it was.
I'm like no, I just kind oflike hushed it.
(30:33):
Nope, it's okay, you'll be fine, just just go.
I'm about 15, 20 minutes awayfrom home and it sits snowing
pretty good.
The roads are pretty slipperyand I round this corner and I
see this car starting to swervecoming in my direction and I was
like oh, not so good.
So I pull over as far as Icould.
(30:56):
But in the process of slowingdown and pulling over myself, I
see that this car starts to spinand it starts to spin and it
comes into my lane and it hitsme head on and then kicks around
and hits me from the back againand I didn't didn't realize it
(31:21):
until probably a couple of dayslater and again I was still not
really wanting to listen to thatvoice.
I go to the hospital.
They check me out.
I'm okay, I'm beat up, I'm sore, but no serious injuries show
on my face.
So I'm grateful.
We go to our appointment.
(31:42):
It was in the same hospital.
So I stick out, I stay with ourour course and we sit down and
the doctor says look, this ishow it's going to work at your
age, with where you're at, if weget six viable embryos, we're
(32:03):
implanting them.
And of course I was like, oh,I'm going to get a baby.
Of course I was like, oh, dearSix, okay, so we go home.
I said, well, let me think onit.
I'm still sore, let's see whathappens, transpires from these
injuries.
We go home and I'm thinkingabout it, and I'm thinking about
(32:25):
it and I'm like you know, withmy luck, all six would take it?
I don't know that I want to be45 years old with six little
kids, six infants, you know, oryou know toddlers running around
.
So I gave it time and then, overthe next couple of months, my
injuries were not completelyhealing, turns out, I was more
(32:46):
seriously injured than I thought.
So time is pushing along andwhen you are well into your
forties and talking to afertility specialist, time is
not really.
Time is of the essence.
And I just felt this naggingfeeling that Kristen, you're not
supposed to do this, you knowyou're not supposed to do this
(33:10):
Ultimately ended up needingspinal surgery from the accident
.
It was like that's going totake me another year to heal
from.
So it's that inner voice, thatmourning of that again, if I had
listened to it, what I had beenin the accident?
(33:32):
Probably not because I wouldhave called to cancel and I
wouldn't have been driving inthe snow, but it was definitely
now in hindsight, it was thatreality that you know the
universe was sending out.
All right, mother nature, she'sstill going to this appointment
.
Mother nature, make it snow andI'm still ignoring it.
And we're like, all right,she's ignoring this.
(33:54):
Now, what are we going to do?
And we're going to have toreally hit her.
We're going to have literallyhit her to get her to stop going
through with this.
Well, because I didn't listento that voice.
It was part of the fairy talethat I was really trying to live
out and create and make areality, but it clearly now was
(34:19):
not meant to be part of my story.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
Yeah, and that is so jarring and I'm, you know, I'm
grateful that you're okay forthe audience listening, you're
okay, so that's a wonderfulthing.
But how many times have we beenin that same situation?
But the circumstances lookdifferent, but you know,
(34:44):
something's pulling you to go ina different direction and you
ignore it and then somethingelse happens and I, yeah, I'm
just grateful you're okay.
But, yes, I think anybodylistening to this can understand
that, and a lot of times, Ithink you know it's just like
you said it's the universe, it'sour angels, it's, you know, god
(35:06):
whatever you want to put on itcoming in and just trying to
like, redirect us, because we'retrying to save you from going
down this road, but just help us, help you, right, help us help
you.
So so, tapping into that innervoice, I mean, how, how
incredible has it been sinceyou've made this shift, like
(35:27):
from ignoring your inner voiceto actually tuning in and like
moving through it and with it,like, how incredible has FN for
you?
Speaker 2 (35:36):
It has been amazing it I I have met more people from
around the world since myhusband and I separated, my ex
husband and I have seen andexperienced more places.
Right before COVID hit, Itraveled to Italy.
(35:57):
I mean, that was, in and ofitself, was one of the bravest
things I've ever done.
It was something I've alwayswanted to do and I made it
happen and I went by myself andI I was nervous because it was.
I was definitely pushing myselfout of my comfort zone, but I
(36:18):
made that promise to myself thatI was not going to be the
victim in my story, that I wasgoing to be the hero, and in
order to be the hero, I neededto step out of my comfort zone.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Yeah, so if I could just jump in.
When you say you went byyourself, does that mean like
okay, so you just sat down oneday, you wrote out your
itinerary, figured it all out,and then you just like jumped in
and you did this completelyalone, or how did that work?
Speaker 2 (36:49):
Kind of, but not not no itinerary.
So my ex husband and I had beenplanning a trip to Italy the
year before the the affair wasdivulged and you know we had
separated and it was somethingthat I always wanted to do.
I always wanted to visit Italyand then all of this happened
(37:14):
and I was like, well, there I go, and I guess I'm going to have
to put that on hold.
And then, as I'm going throughand I'm learning and I'm
evolving and I'm transforming,I'm realizing wait a minute, why
do I need to put this on holdand talk about, I mean, just the
way the universe works soserendipitously for us?
(37:35):
I got locked out of my houseone day.
My best friend has a key, so Icoaxed her, I convinced her to
come over and let me in thehouse.
I made her dinner and she askedme she says, kristin, what are
you going to do about Italy?
I'm like I don't know.
You know it's May at this pointin time and I had the summers
off and so I knew that time was.
(37:56):
If I was going to go thatsummer.
I needed to kind of figure itout.
So she's like she gets onGoogle and she starts looking
for like little tours and stuff.
Knowing my interests, she'slike here, what about this?
You can kayak the coast ofItaly?
And I went oh, that's totallyright up my alley.
(38:17):
And I said we'll send it to me.
So I reached out the next day.
There was one seat left in thetour.
So I said oh, all right, it'smeant to be Okay.
I got, I got locked out of myhouse.
She found this tour, there'sone seat left.
I did it, I put it on a creditcard and I said I'm going to
(38:38):
make it happen for myself.
So I did, and then I also was.
I started thinking, if I'mgoing all the way, I better tax
some extra time on.
So I found a couple of Airbnb'sand I said I'm just going to
kind of explore and wander.
And I had no itinerary.
All I knew is that I was goingto be in Italy from this state
(39:01):
to this state, and there werefive, six days that I was going
to be kayaking.
And while I was there, I, Iwondered I, of course, the night
before I left I was standing inmy kitchen thinking, kristin,
what the heck are you doing andwhat have you gotten yourself
into?
You don't speak the language,you don't know where you're
(39:23):
going and but I was like, well,I'm all in now, I've paid for it
and plain leaves at 4am.
So you're, you're, you're going.
And I went.
I wondered.
It was great, it was peaceful,I felt at ease, even though I
(39:46):
didn't speak the language.
I didn't know where I was, Iwas at peace, and it was one of
those moments where I just feltthat I was truly where I needed
to be, in that very moment, likeI belonged.
So the first day or the nightbefore the kayak trip started,
(40:09):
one of the other women thatsigned up for the the tour also
connected with me.
We went out to dinner, we gotto know each other, telling each
other our stories, and she wasthere for a very similar reason.
She had had a great loss in her, in her life.
(40:29):
She was grieving.
She was there as sort of a.
This is my starting over moment.
I am here to redefine myself,reconnect with myself and start
the next chapter of my life, andwe were talking about grief.
Going back to what she saidabout grief earlier, she was
(40:53):
grieving the death of herhusband and I was grieving the
death of my marriage.
And I remember saying to heryou know, but it's different.
I mean, your husband passedaway and she's like it's not any
different.
All of our feelings are exactlythe same.
We're grieving.
I was like you're absolutelyright.
(41:14):
No matter the loss, it's still agreat loss and you have to
honor the process of healing.
You can't just pretend that itdidn't happen.
You can't just numb it when youcan and many people do but then
they usually just repeat theirpatterns If you just numb it
(41:35):
with another relationship orsubstances or whatever it is,
because you don't wanna feelthat pain of the process.
But if you allow yourself andthis was one of the lessons we
learned in the kayak when thewater got choppy your first
instinct is to hold on andresist.
(41:56):
You don't want to becauseyou're afraid you're gonna tip
over.
But really what you need to dois you need to let go and you
need to learn how to roll withall of those emotions and all of
those challenges and you haveto be able to move with it and
be fluid in order to go throughit.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
Wow that is powerful.
What you just said, I think alot of people you think of water
and the white water, raftingand things like that and it
scares them because the water isvery intimidating.
So what you just said, likekayaking through the water and
just letting go and allowing tomove through that Holy cow, that
(42:43):
is amazing, amazing, and thefact that you meet another woman
who's on a similar journey isdefinitely a divine intervention
brought to you, for you, and Ican't imagine you're still not
in touch with this person andthe beautiful friendship you've
(43:04):
made.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
We've become best of friends.
She lives in another state inthe Midwest and we took that
summer.
We became so close and soconnected and I remember saying
look at this, there's a reasonwe were brought together, if you
really think about everythingthat had to happen in her life
(43:28):
and everything that had tohappen in my life in order for
us to connect in Italy andbecome friends.
Like talk about the universebringing us together for a
reason.
So we took our stories and weare in the process of writing a
(43:48):
book to help others goingthrough the grieving process to
heal and know that they will getthrough this and they will be
so much stronger and better onthe other side and that they
aren't alone in their journeyand their process.
And all of the emotions and allof the feelings and all of the
(44:15):
ups and the downs and the wavesand the feeling overwhelm.
It's all normal, but there is away to tap into all of what is
happening so that you can reallyactively heal.
And one of the things thatpeople used to say to me in the
very beginning well, kristin,you just need to let it go, you
(44:37):
just need to get over it, andthat is probably one of the
worst things you can ever.
Tell anybody Going through adivorce who has been experienced
in fidelity, whose husbandshave passed away, it's you don't
just get over it.
And it's a question I get allthe time, kristin, how do I just
(44:58):
get over it and you don't?
And one of the mistakes I hearfrequently is well, time will
heal all wounds.
Just give yourself time.
And I think that's the biggestlie there is, because time
doesn't heal anything.
Time is just the space that isheld for you to actually do the
(45:25):
work to heal.
Speaker 1 (45:27):
Yeah, that's powerful stuff right there.
I mean, you're so on pointbecause we don't have a
guarantee of tomorrow and thepast is already the past.
You only have this singlemoment, right now, and you're
right time.
Is this space right here, rightnow?
Speaker 2 (45:48):
it's what do you do with?
Speaker 1 (45:50):
it.
How do you navigate through itand work through it, right?
I couldn't agree more.
But there's probably a lot ofpeople in the audience that
maybe in a place with theirrelationship where maybe there's
something else going on, andthey're listening to this inner
voice talk that we're talkingabout and not really sure how to
(46:12):
tap into it, connect to it.
Maybe they have been socongested with other stuff,
quote unquote in their life,whether that's taking care of
children or their jobs, career.
There's a laundry list ofthings that could be part of
this.
So how do you help peopleconnect to that inner voice,
(46:37):
right?
Speaker 2 (46:38):
so I actually have four pillars that I work with
and I call it my hero system andit's really tapping into your
healthy mindset and in there youhave to really take inventory
of your beliefs, of your corevalues, of what is important to
(47:01):
you, and you have to get to knowyourself so you're empowering
yourself to know who you are andwhat you're really made of.
Because once we start havingkids or once we're married, we
always think that the otherperson's needs are more
important than our own.
So it's really connecting.
(47:22):
We do a lot of mindset work.
We connect with your assets andyour internal core values, Also
learning how to regulate youremotions.
Many people think thatregulating their emotions means
stuffing them and ignoring them,and that's not the case.
But regulating them is learninghow to master them.
(47:45):
And when you master youremotions, when you master your
thoughts, you master youremotions.
And then also don't put off.
I'll do that when the kids areolder or I'll do that later.
Do it now.
Do what you love to do now.
You have to feed yourselfbefore you feed other people.
(48:08):
It's like the oxygen mask onthe airplane the rule is put
yours on first before you putsomebody else's on, Because
otherwise we get into aself-rejecting mode and that
keeps us in a victim mode and itkeeps us in that fear mindset.
So it really is tapping ingetting to know yourself, and
(48:32):
that's the work that I do withpeople.
Speaker 1 (48:36):
Yeah, that's beautiful and I know for so many
people.
Especially when you talk topeople that are seniors or much
older, towards the end of life,one of the things that they
always say is they don't regretthe things that they did do they
regret not doing the thingsthey wanted to do.
Right, and I personally had anexperience where I had traveled
(49:02):
to many of the very largenational parks within the United
States and it was alwayssomething that I wanted to do
and I had an opportunity to doit.
So I was like you know what?
I'm just gonna go and do it.
And people were saying, well,why wouldn't you wait until
you're in retirement, or thisplace or that place?
And I don't think there's aright or wrong, but for me it
(49:25):
was the right time Because, asyou say, life provided me the
opportunity to say yes.
So I went all in, and it wasunfortunate because I was
talking to a family member.
It was actually my uncle, andhe was sharing with me that he
had always wanted to see one ofthe national parks that I had
(49:46):
visited, and the worst part ofthis story was that he was
diagnosed a couple of weeksearlier with a cancer that was
late stage and he would neverhave the opportunity, and he was
sharing with me that he wishedhe could have done it earlier
and younger in his life thanwaiting for the day that he
(50:11):
thought would come that actuallynever came because he got sick
and he ended up passing.
So anybody in the audience, ifyou're listening to this and
this resonates with you, like,by all means, grab your yeses
when you can.
I think that's so, so on point.
And one of the things that Ilike to do too is just have a
(50:33):
vision board, you know, havesomething in front of you that
when you look at it and you seeit in front of you, then like
you're kind of attracting it toyour life, because that's
something you're putting energyout for, that you want to come
into your life.
So I know that was somethingthat you know was something that
(50:54):
I did, that was helpful.
But I also want to ask you,because you touched on a little
bit but this element of thisprocess of forgiveness.
I think that process offorgiveness is so huge for most
people because you really aren'ttaught how to forgive, like
(51:14):
when you grow up.
It's just like, well, say you'resorry, you know one of those
things, which is very generic,but then it really doesn't solve
the problem.
So how would you talk aroundthat?
Speaker 2 (51:29):
So that's one of the biggest questions that I receive
from women all the time is howdo I forgive?
And especially when they'veexperienced infidelity or some
you know betrayal of sorts.
They hold onto that becausethey personalize it and I talked
(51:54):
to them about look, you don'thave to forgive the other person
per se, but you have to forgiveyourself for holding on to the
messages that you tell yourselfbecause of that betrayal.
And I can speak specifically tothat because when I found out
(52:16):
about my husband's affair, ofcourse the first thing I went to
was what is wrong with me,kristen?
You're not good enough, you'renot.
All of those old wounds thatcame up from when I was a little
girl, of not feeling that I wasgood enough for myself, all
came back.
You know what was wrong with me.
(52:38):
Why is she better than me?
That was the story I started totell myself and I needed to
really put the brakes on and saywait a minute.
All you're doing, kristen, isre-traumatizing yourself and
you're feeding that story as ifit's true.
But if this were my best friendgoing through this, I would
(53:02):
never sit there and tell her youare not good enough, or it's
because she's prettier than youor younger than you, or whatever
message is that I wasinternalizing.
So I needed to forgive myselffor talking to myself that way
and I needed to forgive myselffor holding on to that fairy
(53:25):
tale and when I was able toaccept and work on those
messages within myself becausethat's another thing that when
somebody goes through this, evenif they're single and they
never, you know, they get to be40-ish or 30-ish and they
(53:46):
haven't met that person theystill tell themselves that story
as to why they haven't met thatperson.
And that's where theforgiveness needs to come in.
And when you can do that foryourself, you can take a step
back and not personalize thatstory anymore and not own the
other person's actions andbehaviors as if it was part of
(54:07):
your own.
I'm not saying that you have togo ahead and then be best
friends with the person that hashurt you or betrayed you, but
you do have to become your ownbest friend, and that's where
the forgiveness comes in.
Speaker 1 (54:22):
That's so true, so so true, and I couldn't have said
it better.
So thank you for sharing that,because I think that's something
people struggle with quiteoften and that self dialogue is
so powerful because what youtell yourself, I mean, you're
like trapped within yourself.
So unless you love yourself,you're going to be trapped with
(54:44):
somebody you don't love.
So it's really important thatyou love yourself.
It really is.
But I wanted to also ask you,you know, with the self
forgiveness and everything, Imean, did you find that was very
freeing for you?
I mean, was that really likethe first step for you, or did
it take a little time for you toget to that place?
Speaker 2 (55:04):
It definitely took a little time to get to that place
because I had some work to doprior to getting there.
You know there was still a lotof processing, there was still a
lot of trying to make sense ofwhat didn't make sense.
And you know when you, when youbelieve that you have found
your Prince Charming, when youbelieve that this is your fairy
tale, and then all of a sudden,prince Charming turns out to be
(55:26):
the frog, and you are looking atthis person that you loved and
you thought, loved you as likewhoa, wait a minute, who are you
?
And this is?
I'm stonewalled by this.
You know it doesn't make sensein your brain and your brain
creates.
(55:48):
Whenever we meet somebody, wehave these story files in our
brain and it's all based onpatterns of behaviors and what
we know this person to be like.
And every time they dosomething it fits oh yep, that
fits in the fits in the picture.
Fix, it fits right, nice andneat in that file.
(56:08):
But then something like thishappens the betrayal happens, or
you know, something drasticthat just doesn't make sense.
It doesn't fit in that file.
Our brain actually doesn't knowwhat to do with it and it's a
phenomenon called cognitivedissonance.
It's a real thing and it doesnot mean that you are crazy.
(56:29):
It actually isn't even adiagnosable, you know disorder.
It is just something thathappens within your brain when
you're trying to make sense ofthings that don't make sense.
So I needed to go through thatprocess of starting to create a
new story and create a new filefor this person that I thought I
(56:54):
knew.
So I needed to do some of thatwork first.
Speaker 1 (57:00):
Yeah, yeah.
So let me ask you because we'reat the end of our time, but if
and thank you, thank you so muchfor all of this because it's
just so powerful and soimpactful but if I were to pick
up your earth angel feather offof the ground and you had a
(57:20):
message for the world, whatwould your message to the world
be?
Speaker 2 (57:24):
I would say don't wait for your fairy tale to come
before you live your life.
Yeah, and it doesn't even haveto be a fairy tale.
You get to decide what yourstory is.
If you want it to be anadventure, let it be an
adventure.
Speaker 1 (57:42):
I couldn't agree more and that's amazing, because I'm
so with you.
You have to live today, youhave to be in your adventure, in
the story you create.
Kristen, thank you so, so much,so appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (57:56):
You are very welcome.
Thank you so much for having me.
It was a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (58:00):
Absolutely and for the audience.
If you'd like to connect withKristen, you can find her on
Facebook at Kristen MillerCoaching.
Kristen is spelledK-R-I-S-T-I-N and Miller
M-I-L-L-E-R coaching.
You can also find her onInstagram at
(58:23):
divorcerecoverycoach, and ifyou'd like to join her private
Facebook group, it's called LifeBeyond the Broken Heart Divorce
, separation and InfidelityRecovery.
Again, thank you so much,kristen, and that's all we have
time for today.
This is Katherine Daniels,reminding you to live your
authentic life with peace and,as always, retreat to peace and
(58:48):
we'll see you next time.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for being here with me today.
We know that we live in somevolatile times and we know that
the world is changing, so let'screate a bridge as we travel
through one another's countries,removing all the labels, coming
together as one people in oneworld, and that's why our
(00:47):
signature talk today, letting goof the fairy tale is so
important, and today I am soexcited to welcome my guests
Kristen Miller.
Hi Kristen, hi Catherine, howare you?
I'm doing great.
How are you today?
I'm great.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having metoday.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Oh, we're so excited to have you with us today.
I know that your podcast isgoing to be so impactful to so
many people around the world,especially little girls if any
little girls are listeningbecause your message is just
amazing.
So, for the audience, you are aL M Well, you're like a L M S W
(01:31):
, which is a licensed socialworker, and you're a coach,
you're a counselor, you're aneducator, you're a mom and
you're a lover of adventure.
You also are specialists whohelp women move beyond just the
surviving mode of infidelity anddivorce.
You help them transform bystepping into their own personal
(01:54):
power and forging a life offull of love and excitement and
adventure.
And I love all of that because Ipersonally am divorced, so I
totally get this language and Iget that.
So I wanted to, you know, justget started from the top,
because you know there's so muchto this idea of letting go of
(02:16):
the fairy tale and I think somany women get wrapped up as
little girls in this idea ofthis fairy tale.
So share with us a little bitabout your journey and how this
got started, yeah, wow.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
So I'm going to start sort of in the middle of my
story.
I met and married a, my princecharming, when I was 40.
And I had this notion of justbeing whisked away and going on
(02:53):
and living, living thiswonderful, easy fairy tale like
like.
This was my happily ever after.
This was my ending, right, thiswas.
This was where I got to behappy in my story and and it was
great, until things weren't sohappy anymore.
(03:15):
And I remember finding myselfone day just in complete
disbelief that my fairy tale wasactually ending and I was in
denial that I was looking downthe path of my not just a
divorce, but my second divorcein my life and it was daunting
(03:39):
for me to think that at 47 yearsold, I was going to be starting
over, I was going to bedivorced for the second time and
my fairytale was done.
And where do I go from here andwhat does that mean for me as a
woman in middle-aged where Ithought my husband and I were
(04:04):
going to be?
You know traveling and spendingthese wonderful golden years
together on these adventures,and you know raising
grandchildren, watching our.
You know having our kids go offand get married and live the
fairytale.
And all of a sudden it all cameto a screeching halt and I was
(04:27):
devastated.
I was devastated and it forcedme to take a look at myself Like
how did I get here?
Who am I now without my princecharming, without that, happily
ever after?
And where do I go from here?
(04:49):
And you know, I just remember.
I remember sitting in my diningroom floor.
I was curled up in a ball on mydining room floor one day and
thinking why is this happening?
What is happening and why?
And I'm a firm believer thateverything happens for a reason.
(05:11):
I think there's a lesson ineverything and I think that
everything happens for reason.
It sounds cliche, but I myselfhave to hold on to that belief
because without it I'm not sureI would have been able to get
through this.
But I also made a decision inthat moment, when I was in the
(05:34):
heap on my dining room floor,tears like ugly crying you know
that ugly sobbing.
Thank god nobody was homecrying Because I decided in that
moment that this wasn't goingto be happening for no reason,
(05:56):
that this pain that I wasfeeling was not going to just be
there for no reason.
So I made the decision in thatmoment that I was going to make
something good happen out ofthis, and I didn't know what it
(06:17):
was at the time, but I just knewthat I had to find some meaning
in my circumstances.
So, fast forward a little bit,I found myself sort of packing
(06:38):
moving, still somewhat in denial, but going through that whole
process of separating and tryingto heal.
And because I made thatdecision to make use of this and
find some positive out of thissituation, and I knew it was
(07:00):
going to be a long, hard road,but I was determined to take and
accept every opportunity thatwas presented to me.
Because I'm such a firmbeliever that everything happens
for a reason, I knew that ifsomething was afforded to me, if
something was presented to me,I had to take the opportunity.
(07:26):
So November comes, I move outsuddenly, quickly and rather
unexpectedly that day and I gotan email.
I got an odd kind of one ofthose advertising emails to go
on a to join a conference inMiami sometime in like February.
(07:53):
And I was like and it was free,it was free.
I was in the education system,it was free for teachers at the
time and teachers public serviceworkers.
So I said well, all I have todo is book a flight.
I had no idea what I wasgetting myself into.
And I went down there and itwas actually a business
(08:14):
conference.
And I found myself there Like Idon't know what I'm doing here,
I don't.
I didn't know anybody, I didn'teven know who the speaker was.
I didn't even know what thecontent was.
I think if I had known ahead oftime that it was a business one
, I would have been like I'm notgoing Because I didn't see how
it applied to me.
(08:35):
And I started to meet new peopleand they were all asking you
know, what are, what are youdoing here?
And I said you know, I honestlydon't know.
All I know is that this cameacross my desk and my husband
just left and I knew I was on atrajectory for a new future and
(08:55):
I didn't know what it was.
So I just said, okay, well,I'll take it, it's an
opportunity.
And they were like wow, youknow, you have such a story to
tell.
And I didn't really think ofmyself as having a story to tell
, because I just thought I wasgoing through this really
horrific situation that manypeople go through.
(09:17):
So I talked to people allweekend, I made some new friends
and I still couldn't figure outwhat I was going to pull from
this experience, other thanpeople said you have a story to
tell.
And I was like, okay, all right, so I think I'm getting that
(09:37):
part of it, that I have somekind of story to tell to help
people.
And when I was about to leavethat last day because I had to
catch my flight home, and thevery last speaker was a speaker
on telling your story, and I waslike, wow, so I stayed and I
(10:05):
was like this is why I needed tocome here, because it just sort
of set in motion what the nextpart of my future was going to
be.
So when I how I came to theprocess and through the process
of identifying, letting go ofthe fairy tale, is that I
(10:30):
remember holding on so tight,holding on to my marriage,
because I didn't want that fairytale to end.
Because in my mind I mean, Iremember being a little girl
thinking one day my PrinceCharming is going to come along,
he's going to whisk me away,you know.
(10:51):
And that is when happinessbegins, and I think we're
groomed as little girls tobelieve that that's when your
life begins.
Your life actually begins, withthe Prince Charming showing up,
and the wedding, the babies andthe family, and that's where
(11:16):
life sort of begins and ends,and that's just where it is, and
I was groomed to believe that.
But I found myself in asituation where, whoa, my Prince
Charming just turned into afrog.
Now what do I do, you know?
(11:37):
And then I was thinking tomyself my gosh, you know where
do I go from here?
And I have to decide now.
Do I want to hold on to thatfairy tale that I carried with
me my whole life, that story,and remain in this unhealthy
mindset, or do I want to decidefor myself okay, what is my
(12:04):
story going to end?
This was a chapter and now I'mnot going to let my life end
here at this chapter, not withthis tragic ending.
This is just a stepping stoneto my next adventure.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
I love that idea of the stepping stone because I
think that's so powerful and Imean, I know in society there's
so many movies that wrap littlegirls up in that idea that you
talk about where, literally,that's when your life starts.
Like you, it's all leading upto that, and then there, there
(12:47):
it is, there you go, and it issomething you know that it's
with the dolls that keep, youknow the little girls are
playing with, like they dressthem up as you know, brides, or
it's the talk that they have,you know, with their friends and
things like that.
It's like what their dreamwedding would look like, you
(13:07):
know, and all of these things.
And I can say you know, for foreven young adults today I see
less young adults gettingmarried, but the ones that do
get married they still have thatideal idea of what the dream
wedding looks like and,especially now with COVID, like
(13:28):
a lot of these women are justshattered because they're not
able to have their dream weddingright the way that they
envisioned it or the way itlooked like in the movies that
they had watched.
But yeah, there's so much thatyou're saying.
But I also love the idea of likejust following that inner voice
(13:50):
of you know what, I'm justgoing to go and I'm going to go
in this conference and, yes,there it is, we're going to show
you how to tell your story.
So it's just really, reallypowerful and it's almost like,
okay, I'm just going to, youknow, do me, because all these
years I've been doing everythingelse that was maybe counter to
(14:13):
my inner self and what thatvoice said.
But I mean, did you feel likeyour first marriage was?
Were there similar things toyour second marriage as far as,
like how that looked, or is thatsomething that looked
completely different?
Like what kind of what kind ofroped this all you know up as
far as how it ended?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Right so so, ironically enough, my my first
marriage.
I take full responsibility forthat.
I was young.
We were high school sweethearts, I had just graduated college,
so I was on that trajectory andwe were following that path to
(14:56):
where happiness is supposed tobe.
At the end I finished college,he proposed.
I said yes, there was a familyexpectation because my father
and his father were friends whenthey were boys and my father
was his father's best man andour grandmothers worked in the
(15:18):
same store together and when wewere born they would joke around
and say, oh, wouldn't it bewonderful if they grew up and
got married.
So we had all of these layersof expectations placed on us
that I think not even soconsciously.
They were there and becameself-fulfilling prophecies.
(15:39):
And we don't teach girls,especially we don't teach them
to listen to their inner voiceand follow their dreams.
We are almost grooming them tojust live in fear and not in
(16:00):
confidence.
You know I think to myself gosh, and if he listens to this, you
know he and I have had theseconversations.
My first husband and I.
I knew walking down the aisle Ididn't want to get married.
I knew the day he proposed thatI didn't want that.
(16:21):
That was not the story I reallywanted, but I was so in such a
people-pleasing mode I wasafraid of disappointing.
You know, we are alwaysgrooming our little girls to do
the right thing and be a goodgirl and, you know, follow the
rules and directions.
And that's what I was doing.
(16:42):
That's who I was at that time,even though I knew in my soul
that that is not what I wanted.
But there was no good reason forme to say no and not follow
through with it, because he wasa great guy, he was a good
person, he had a great family.
I loved his family.
You know it was all right.
(17:03):
He checked all the boxes and Iwent through with it and at the
time, you know, I went in withokay, I'm gonna make this work.
I don't have a reason otherthan this little voice inside my
head that kept saying "'Kristin, don't do it'".
(17:24):
But I kept quieting that voice.
And then one day I woke up andI was going back to grad school
and I just looked at myself inthe mirror and I said you're a
hypocrite Christian.
You're going to help otherpeople face their own fears and
(17:48):
you're not doing the same thing.
You have got to make a changeand that, at that point, was the
end of my marriage, but thebeginning of me being true to
myself.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yeah, and that's powerful right there, what you
just said, what you just said.
I think sometimes that littlewaste in your head could be
self-doubt, but if it'ssomething that is consistent and
it's moving through youconsistently, I don't think it's
self-doubt anymore.
I think it's more your innerinstinct, your intuitive self,
(18:27):
is rising to the top and sayingwait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's red flags or somethingthat's not right here.
You know we need to correct it.
So I definitely can understandthat.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yeah, yeah, it was, and it was scary.
It was scary but for the firsttime in my life I really felt
like I was connected with who Iwas.
Yeah, but again it kind ofcarried with me that be the good
girl.
And that fairy tale still wasthere.
(18:59):
It was still there.
I was still found.
The next 10 years I was stilllooking for that fairy tale and
then my second husband camealong and he just really seemed
like the true Prince Charming.
He even proposed under thecastle in Disneyland, with our
(19:19):
kids around us, you know, and itwas perfect.
It was like here it is, here ismy Prince Charming under the
castle with the fireworks,everything.
It couldn't have been moreperfect.
And I thought that that was it,that was going to be the happy
ending.
(19:40):
And it wasn't.
You know it was, but it was thestep I needed to move into the
future that I really was meantto go in.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, and everything about this fairy tale is outside
of yourself.
So it's like you are constantlygoing and searching for
something outside of you andreally you held the key the
whole time just within you.
That's where your happiness was.
(20:18):
It wasn't at a castle with yourchildren surrounding you with a
proposal.
It was all within you the wholetime.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Right, right.
And that's the message I wantwomen to hear, and women to.
You know and I speakspecifically to women because
that is who I made the decisionto really focus on in my work
but it speaks to men also,because it doesn't matter if you
(20:50):
are single forever, if you'redivorced two, three, four times
once, or if you have never metyour Prince Charming.
The important thing to rememberis that, yes, it is within you.
We are conditioned to believethat happiness comes with the
(21:15):
outside, external validation,and it doesn't.
But now, as adults, when we gothrough this and we are thinking
, oh my gosh, now what do I do?
Or what is wrong with me?
Because Prince Charming didn'tcome, or he left, or, you know,
(21:40):
the fairy tale didn't pan outquite the way I thought it was
going to, that it's not theexternal experiences that define
who you are as a person or yourhappiness, and that's that
conditioning that we grew upwith, that we now need to
(22:01):
recondition.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, and there's also this other side of it too.
You know, as a woman who's beenthrough a divorce and as a
mother, you know, with childrenit's really difficult because
you go through this grievingprocess and it's not just you
going through the grievingprocess, but you also have your
(22:23):
children who go through thisgrieving process.
And I know for myself I washell bent that I was going to
stay married and I was going tomake this work and despite
everything I tried, everything Idid, it's like it just was to
no avail and it got to a placewhere it was just like I just
(22:44):
don't know what else to do.
But you know, go go throughthat process of divorce and I
just remember feeling sodefeated by it in the time that
I was going through it andrecognizing that I was doing a
lot of comparing of myself to mygrandparents for example my
(23:09):
grandparents met when they werechildren, literally they were
six and seven years old, andthey used to get on, you know,
the wagon with the hail bit orthe bays, or bails of hay is
what I'm trying to say.
And you know, in the fall theywould like sit on the bails of
hay in the wagon and go throughthe fields of the farm and, you
(23:32):
know, pick pumpkins in thepumpkin patch and as they grew
up, they eventually you know,built a friendship, or a really
strong friendship that turnedinto love and then marriage, and
you know, they continued theirlife on their whole journey.
They were together, their wholeentire journey.
That generation, though, that'swhat they did, good, bad or
(23:53):
indifferent.
They didn't have theirespecially the women.
They didn't have their personalfreedom.
They didn't have the ability towalk away from something and
have that kind of freedom.
And in today's world, bothindividuals have their freedom.
They literally can create thelife that they want.
(24:15):
And I think that's where lettinggo of the fairy tale is so
powerful, because no longer arewe living in a place and time
where this is how you do thingsRight.
It is something now where youcan design it to be what you
want it to be.
But what I started off sayingis like this feeling of like
(24:37):
deflation, like I failed, likethere was all of this feeling
around it, and having to learnthat it was an understanding in
this process and this movement,you know, moving forward like
don't sit in the past but moveforward and move through it, and
then release yourself fromcomparing to your grandparents
(25:00):
for me personally, but I know somany people who've been through
divorce and they go throughthis similar sense of you know,
I failed my parents because ofwhat you said earlier like they
expected me to marry this person.
I mean talk to that a little bit, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
So again it goes back to that conditioning, that
belief, that story we tellourselves our whole life that we
, in order to be successful, inorder to make it in the world,
in order to make it in life, youhave to have that successful
marriage with the 2.3 childrenand the picket fence send the
(25:39):
house in the hill and you know,in the career.
And now, with all of the women'smovements have shifted and put
even more expectations on thatladder for women, especially
that now you also have to managea career in the house and the
(26:01):
family and, you know, maintain ahealthy, happy relationship.
And it's almost absolutely Idon't want to say almost it is
unfair the emotional strain andthe emotional weight that women
especially have to carrythroughout their days Because
(26:25):
somehow, if you aren't asuccessful business person and
raising your kids and marriedand keeping it all together and
happy, you're supposed to behappy through it all too and not
exhausted that you're somehow afailure.
And then we carry this burdenof shame and guilt with us and
(26:49):
that is something that createsthis unhealthy mindset that
there's something somehow wrongwith us, like there's an
inherent disconnect in who weare and who we need to be,
because we're allowing again,all of these external
(27:13):
expectations to determine whatour happiness is going to be.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
It's so true.
I mean, I know for myself whenI was going through this process
, it was almost liberating whenI let go of this idea that I had
for myself how it would be.
I mean, of course, you know,there was this grief, there was
this grieving process and therewas a sadness for my children.
(27:45):
There was a sadness for thispart of myself.
But, like you, I got marriedreally young and they didn't
really know myself well enough.
I didn't give myself the spaceto understand what I really
wanted with my life.
And then, attaching this notionthat this is the way it's
supposed to be, because this iswhat everybody else does Like, I
(28:07):
really denied myself anopportunity to really understand
and evolve Right.
So I had to give myselfforgiveness.
I had to give myself compassionand empathy and just allow
myself to move through it,understanding that I did the
best I could in the moment thatI had.
(28:29):
But now, looking, you know,looking forward, it's like, okay
, any relationship is completelydifferent now because
understanding, you know, we haveour freedoms and we come
together differently because ofthe maturity level it does, it
looks different, it feelsdifferent, Everything about it
(28:50):
is completely different.
But I really want to ask you,like this inner voice, that like
you had had with your marriages.
I mean, you say things happenfor a reason and you talk about
the conference, but like wasthere anything else that came
through that really like smackedyou and was like you know what?
(29:12):
This is the path I'm on,because I think this happens to
a lot of people and they doignore it until they're really
hit hard with something thatlike okay, this is your aha
moment, let's switch gears.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Yeah, have something like that I do.
Actually, about six months intomy second marriage, I, my
husband and I, were goingthrough exploring the
opportunity of having a child.
So I had an appointment with anfertility specialist one
(29:50):
morning and I got in my car andI had this feeling it was
snowing out.
It's not always great to, youknow, drive in the snow, but I
could handle it.
I didn't mind it so much.
I actually enjoyed the snow.
It was peaceful, it was quiet,not too many people are out on
the road.
I'm going, we're determined.
(30:10):
This is, this is the process,this is the journey we think we
want to take.
So I get in my car but I havethis feeling and it's the same
feeling I've had in the past.
Now I'm recognizing it, but I'mstill not listening to it.
I didn't know what it was.
I'm like no, I just kind oflike hushed it.
(30:33):
Nope, it's okay, you'll be fine, just just go.
I'm about 15, 20 minutes awayfrom home and it sits snowing
pretty good.
The roads are pretty slipperyand I round this corner and I
see this car starting to swervecoming in my direction and I was
like oh, not so good.
So I pull over as far as Icould.
(30:56):
But in the process of slowingdown and pulling over myself, I
see that this car starts to spinand it starts to spin and it
comes into my lane and it hitsme head on and then kicks around
and hits me from the back againand I didn't didn't realize it
(31:21):
until probably a couple of dayslater and again I was still not
really wanting to listen to thatvoice.
I go to the hospital.
They check me out.
I'm okay, I'm beat up, I'm sore, but no serious injuries show
on my face.
So I'm grateful.
We go to our appointment.
(31:42):
It was in the same hospital.
So I stick out, I stay with ourour course and we sit down and
the doctor says look, this ishow it's going to work at your
age, with where you're at, if weget six viable embryos, we're
(32:03):
implanting them.
And of course I was like, oh,I'm going to get a baby.
Of course I was like, oh, dearSix, okay, so we go home.
I said, well, let me think onit.
I'm still sore, let's see whathappens, transpires from these
injuries.
We go home and I'm thinkingabout it, and I'm thinking about
(32:25):
it and I'm like you know, withmy luck, all six would take it?
I don't know that I want to be45 years old with six little
kids, six infants, you know, oryou know toddlers running around
.
So I gave it time and then, overthe next couple of months, my
injuries were not completelyhealing, turns out, I was more
(32:46):
seriously injured than I thought.
So time is pushing along andwhen you are well into your
forties and talking to afertility specialist, time is
not really.
Time is of the essence.
And I just felt this naggingfeeling that Kristen, you're not
supposed to do this, you knowyou're not supposed to do this
(33:10):
Ultimately ended up needingspinal surgery from the accident
.
It was like that's going totake me another year to heal
from.
So it's that inner voice, thatmourning of that again, if I had
listened to it, what I had beenin the accident?
(33:32):
Probably not because I wouldhave called to cancel and I
wouldn't have been driving inthe snow, but it was definitely
now in hindsight, it was thatreality that you know the
universe was sending out.
All right, mother nature, she'sstill going to this appointment
.
Mother nature, make it snow andI'm still ignoring it.
And we're like, all right,she's ignoring this.
(33:54):
Now, what are we going to do?
And we're going to have toreally hit her.
We're going to have literallyhit her to get her to stop going
through with this.
Well, because I didn't listento that voice.
It was part of the fairy talethat I was really trying to live
out and create and make areality, but it clearly now was
(34:19):
not meant to be part of my story.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
Yeah, and that is so jarring and I'm, you know, I'm
grateful that you're okay forthe audience listening, you're
okay, so that's a wonderfulthing.
But how many times have we beenin that same situation?
But the circumstances lookdifferent, but you know,
(34:44):
something's pulling you to go ina different direction and you
ignore it and then somethingelse happens and I, yeah, I'm
just grateful you're okay.
But, yes, I think anybodylistening to this can understand
that, and a lot of times, Ithink you know it's just like
you said it's the universe, it'sour angels, it's, you know, god
(35:06):
whatever you want to put on itcoming in and just trying to
like, redirect us, because we'retrying to save you from going
down this road, but just help us, help you, right, help us help
you.
So so, tapping into that innervoice, I mean, how, how
incredible has it been sinceyou've made this shift, like
(35:27):
from ignoring your inner voiceto actually tuning in and like
moving through it and with it,like, how incredible has FN for
you?
Speaker 2 (35:36):
It has been amazing it I I have met more people from
around the world since myhusband and I separated, my ex
husband and I have seen andexperienced more places.
Right before COVID hit, Itraveled to Italy.
(35:57):
I mean, that was, in and ofitself, was one of the bravest
things I've ever done.
It was something I've alwayswanted to do and I made it
happen and I went by myself andI I was nervous because it was.
I was definitely pushing myselfout of my comfort zone, but I
(36:18):
made that promise to myself thatI was not going to be the
victim in my story, that I wasgoing to be the hero, and in
order to be the hero, I neededto step out of my comfort zone.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Yeah, so if I could just jump in.
When you say you went byyourself, does that mean like
okay, so you just sat down oneday, you wrote out your
itinerary, figured it all out,and then you just like jumped in
and you did this completelyalone, or how did that work?
Speaker 2 (36:49):
Kind of, but not not no itinerary.
So my ex husband and I had beenplanning a trip to Italy the
year before the the affair wasdivulged and you know we had
separated and it was somethingthat I always wanted to do.
I always wanted to visit Italyand then all of this happened
(37:14):
and I was like, well, there I go, and I guess I'm going to have
to put that on hold.
And then, as I'm going throughand I'm learning and I'm
evolving and I'm transforming,I'm realizing wait a minute, why
do I need to put this on holdand talk about, I mean, just the
way the universe works soserendipitously for us?
(37:35):
I got locked out of my houseone day.
My best friend has a key, so Icoaxed her, I convinced her to
come over and let me in thehouse.
I made her dinner and she askedme she says, kristin, what are
you going to do about Italy?
I'm like I don't know.
You know it's May at this pointin time and I had the summers
off and so I knew that time was.
(37:56):
If I was going to go thatsummer.
I needed to kind of figure itout.
So she's like she gets onGoogle and she starts looking
for like little tours and stuff.
Knowing my interests, she'slike here, what about this?
You can kayak the coast ofItaly?
And I went oh, that's totallyright up my alley.
(38:17):
And I said we'll send it to me.
So I reached out the next day.
There was one seat left in thetour.
So I said oh, all right, it'smeant to be Okay.
I got, I got locked out of myhouse.
She found this tour, there'sone seat left.
I did it, I put it on a creditcard and I said I'm going to
(38:38):
make it happen for myself.
So I did, and then I also was.
I started thinking, if I'mgoing all the way, I better tax
some extra time on.
So I found a couple of Airbnb'sand I said I'm just going to
kind of explore and wander.
And I had no itinerary.
All I knew is that I was goingto be in Italy from this state
(39:01):
to this state, and there werefive, six days that I was going
to be kayaking.
And while I was there, I, Iwondered I, of course, the night
before I left I was standing inmy kitchen thinking, kristin,
what the heck are you doing andwhat have you gotten yourself
into?
You don't speak the language,you don't know where you're
(39:23):
going and but I was like, well,I'm all in now, I've paid for it
and plain leaves at 4am.
So you're, you're, you're going.
And I went.
I wondered.
It was great, it was peaceful,I felt at ease, even though I
(39:46):
didn't speak the language.
I didn't know where I was, Iwas at peace, and it was one of
those moments where I just feltthat I was truly where I needed
to be, in that very moment, likeI belonged.
So the first day or the nightbefore the kayak trip started,
(40:09):
one of the other women thatsigned up for the the tour also
connected with me.
We went out to dinner, we gotto know each other, telling each
other our stories, and she wasthere for a very similar reason.
She had had a great loss in her, in her life.
(40:29):
She was grieving.
She was there as sort of a.
This is my starting over moment.
I am here to redefine myself,reconnect with myself and start
the next chapter of my life, andwe were talking about grief.
Going back to what she saidabout grief earlier, she was
(40:53):
grieving the death of herhusband and I was grieving the
death of my marriage.
And I remember saying to heryou know, but it's different.
I mean, your husband passedaway and she's like it's not any
different.
All of our feelings are exactlythe same.
We're grieving.
I was like you're absolutelyright.
(41:14):
No matter the loss, it's still agreat loss and you have to
honor the process of healing.
You can't just pretend that itdidn't happen.
You can't just numb it when youcan and many people do but then
they usually just repeat theirpatterns If you just numb it
(41:35):
with another relationship orsubstances or whatever it is,
because you don't wanna feelthat pain of the process.
But if you allow yourself andthis was one of the lessons we
learned in the kayak when thewater got choppy your first
instinct is to hold on andresist.
(41:56):
You don't want to becauseyou're afraid you're gonna tip
over.
But really what you need to dois you need to let go and you
need to learn how to roll withall of those emotions and all of
those challenges and you haveto be able to move with it and
be fluid in order to go throughit.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
Wow that is powerful.
What you just said, I think alot of people you think of water
and the white water, raftingand things like that and it
scares them because the water isvery intimidating.
So what you just said, likekayaking through the water and
just letting go and allowing tomove through that Holy cow, that
(42:43):
is amazing, amazing, and thefact that you meet another woman
who's on a similar journey isdefinitely a divine intervention
brought to you, for you, and Ican't imagine you're still not
in touch with this person andthe beautiful friendship you've
(43:04):
made.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
We've become best of friends.
She lives in another state inthe Midwest and we took that
summer.
We became so close and soconnected and I remember saying
look at this, there's a reasonwe were brought together, if you
really think about everythingthat had to happen in her life
(43:28):
and everything that had tohappen in my life in order for
us to connect in Italy andbecome friends.
Like talk about the universebringing us together for a
reason.
So we took our stories and weare in the process of writing a
(43:48):
book to help others goingthrough the grieving process to
heal and know that they will getthrough this and they will be
so much stronger and better onthe other side and that they
aren't alone in their journeyand their process.
And all of the emotions and allof the feelings and all of the
(44:15):
ups and the downs and the wavesand the feeling overwhelm.
It's all normal, but there is away to tap into all of what is
happening so that you can reallyactively heal.
And one of the things thatpeople used to say to me in the
very beginning well, kristin,you just need to let it go, you
(44:37):
just need to get over it, andthat is probably one of the
worst things you can ever.
Tell anybody Going through adivorce who has been experienced
in fidelity, whose husbandshave passed away, it's you don't
just get over it.
And it's a question I get allthe time, kristin, how do I just
(44:58):
get over it and you don't?
And one of the mistakes I hearfrequently is well, time will
heal all wounds.
Just give yourself time.
And I think that's the biggestlie there is, because time
doesn't heal anything.
Time is just the space that isheld for you to actually do the
(45:25):
work to heal.
Speaker 1 (45:27):
Yeah, that's powerful stuff right there.
I mean, you're so on pointbecause we don't have a
guarantee of tomorrow and thepast is already the past.
You only have this singlemoment, right now, and you're
right time.
Is this space right here, rightnow?
Speaker 2 (45:48):
it's what do you do with?
Speaker 1 (45:50):
it.
How do you navigate through itand work through it, right?
I couldn't agree more.
But there's probably a lot ofpeople in the audience that
maybe in a place with theirrelationship where maybe there's
something else going on, andthey're listening to this inner
voice talk that we're talkingabout and not really sure how to
(46:12):
tap into it, connect to it.
Maybe they have been socongested with other stuff,
quote unquote in their life,whether that's taking care of
children or their jobs, career.
There's a laundry list ofthings that could be part of
this.
So how do you help peopleconnect to that inner voice,
(46:37):
right?
Speaker 2 (46:38):
so I actually have four pillars that I work with
and I call it my hero system andit's really tapping into your
healthy mindset and in there youhave to really take inventory
of your beliefs, of your corevalues, of what is important to
(47:01):
you, and you have to get to knowyourself so you're empowering
yourself to know who you are andwhat you're really made of.
Because once we start havingkids or once we're married, we
always think that the otherperson's needs are more
important than our own.
So it's really connecting.
(47:22):
We do a lot of mindset work.
We connect with your assets andyour internal core values, Also
learning how to regulate youremotions.
Many people think thatregulating their emotions means
stuffing them and ignoring them,and that's not the case.
But regulating them is learninghow to master them.
(47:45):
And when you master youremotions, when you master your
thoughts, you master youremotions.
And then also don't put off.
I'll do that when the kids areolder or I'll do that later.
Do it now.
Do what you love to do now.
You have to feed yourselfbefore you feed other people.
(48:08):
It's like the oxygen mask onthe airplane the rule is put
yours on first before you putsomebody else's on, Because
otherwise we get into aself-rejecting mode and that
keeps us in a victim mode and itkeeps us in that fear mindset.
So it really is tapping ingetting to know yourself, and
(48:32):
that's the work that I do withpeople.
Speaker 1 (48:36):
Yeah, that's beautiful and I know for so many
people.
Especially when you talk topeople that are seniors or much
older, towards the end of life,one of the things that they
always say is they don't regretthe things that they did do they
regret not doing the thingsthey wanted to do.
Right, and I personally had anexperience where I had traveled
(49:02):
to many of the very largenational parks within the United
States and it was alwayssomething that I wanted to do
and I had an opportunity to doit.
So I was like you know what?
I'm just gonna go and do it.
And people were saying, well,why wouldn't you wait until
you're in retirement, or thisplace or that place?
And I don't think there's aright or wrong, but for me it
(49:25):
was the right time Because, asyou say, life provided me the
opportunity to say yes.
So I went all in, and it wasunfortunate because I was
talking to a family member.
It was actually my uncle, andhe was sharing with me that he
had always wanted to see one ofthe national parks that I had
(49:46):
visited, and the worst part ofthis story was that he was
diagnosed a couple of weeksearlier with a cancer that was
late stage and he would neverhave the opportunity, and he was
sharing with me that he wishedhe could have done it earlier
and younger in his life thanwaiting for the day that he
(50:11):
thought would come that actuallynever came because he got sick
and he ended up passing.
So anybody in the audience, ifyou're listening to this and
this resonates with you, like,by all means, grab your yeses
when you can.
I think that's so, so on point.
And one of the things that Ilike to do too is just have a
(50:33):
vision board, you know, havesomething in front of you that
when you look at it and you seeit in front of you, then like
you're kind of attracting it toyour life, because that's
something you're putting energyout for, that you want to come
into your life.
So I know that was somethingthat you know was something that
(50:54):
I did, that was helpful.
But I also want to ask you,because you touched on a little
bit but this element of thisprocess of forgiveness.
I think that process offorgiveness is so huge for most
people because you really aren'ttaught how to forgive, like
(51:14):
when you grow up.
It's just like, well, say you'resorry, you know one of those
things, which is very generic,but then it really doesn't solve
the problem.
So how would you talk aroundthat?
Speaker 2 (51:29):
So that's one of the biggest questions that I receive
from women all the time is howdo I forgive?
And especially when they'veexperienced infidelity or some
you know betrayal of sorts.
They hold onto that becausethey personalize it and I talked
(51:54):
to them about look, you don'thave to forgive the other person
per se, but you have to forgiveyourself for holding on to the
messages that you tell yourselfbecause of that betrayal.
And I can speak specifically tothat because when I found out
(52:16):
about my husband's affair, ofcourse the first thing I went to
was what is wrong with me,kristen?
You're not good enough, you'renot.
All of those old wounds thatcame up from when I was a little
girl, of not feeling that I wasgood enough for myself, all
came back.
You know what was wrong with me.
(52:38):
Why is she better than me?
That was the story I started totell myself and I needed to
really put the brakes on and saywait a minute.
All you're doing, kristen, isre-traumatizing yourself and
you're feeding that story as ifit's true.
But if this were my best friendgoing through this, I would
(53:02):
never sit there and tell her youare not good enough, or it's
because she's prettier than youor younger than you, or whatever
message is that I wasinternalizing.
So I needed to forgive myselffor talking to myself that way
and I needed to forgive myselffor holding on to that fairy
(53:25):
tale and when I was able toaccept and work on those
messages within myself becausethat's another thing that when
somebody goes through this, evenif they're single and they
never, you know, they get to be40-ish or 30-ish and they
(53:46):
haven't met that person theystill tell themselves that story
as to why they haven't met thatperson.
And that's where theforgiveness needs to come in.
And when you can do that foryourself, you can take a step
back and not personalize thatstory anymore and not own the
other person's actions andbehaviors as if it was part of
(54:07):
your own.
I'm not saying that you have togo ahead and then be best
friends with the person that hashurt you or betrayed you, but
you do have to become your ownbest friend, and that's where
the forgiveness comes in.
Speaker 1 (54:22):
That's so true, so so true, and I couldn't have said
it better.
So thank you for sharing that,because I think that's something
people struggle with quiteoften and that self dialogue is
so powerful because what youtell yourself, I mean, you're
like trapped within yourself.
So unless you love yourself,you're going to be trapped with
(54:44):
somebody you don't love.
So it's really important thatyou love yourself.
It really is.
But I wanted to also ask you,you know, with the self
forgiveness and everything, Imean, did you find that was very
freeing for you?
I mean, was that really likethe first step for you, or did
it take a little time for you toget to that place?
Speaker 2 (55:04):
It definitely took a little time to get to that place
because I had some work to doprior to getting there.
You know there was still a lotof processing, there was still a
lot of trying to make sense ofwhat didn't make sense.
And you know when you, when youbelieve that you have found
your Prince Charming, when youbelieve that this is your fairy
tale, and then all of a sudden,prince Charming turns out to be
(55:26):
the frog, and you are looking atthis person that you loved and
you thought, loved you as likewhoa, wait a minute, who are you
?
And this is?
I'm stonewalled by this.
You know it doesn't make sensein your brain and your brain
creates.
(55:48):
Whenever we meet somebody, wehave these story files in our
brain and it's all based onpatterns of behaviors and what
we know this person to be like.
And every time they dosomething it fits oh yep, that
fits in the fits in the picture.
Fix, it fits right, nice andneat in that file.
(56:08):
But then something like thishappens the betrayal happens, or
you know, something drasticthat just doesn't make sense.
It doesn't fit in that file.
Our brain actually doesn't knowwhat to do with it and it's a
phenomenon called cognitivedissonance.
It's a real thing and it doesnot mean that you are crazy.
(56:29):
It actually isn't even adiagnosable, you know disorder.
It is just something thathappens within your brain when
you're trying to make sense ofthings that don't make sense.
So I needed to go through thatprocess of starting to create a
new story and create a new filefor this person that I thought I
(56:54):
knew.
So I needed to do some of thatwork first.
Speaker 1 (57:00):
Yeah, yeah.
So let me ask you because we'reat the end of our time, but if
and thank you, thank you so muchfor all of this because it's
just so powerful and soimpactful but if I were to pick
up your earth angel feather offof the ground and you had a
(57:20):
message for the world, whatwould your message to the world
be?
Speaker 2 (57:24):
I would say don't wait for your fairy tale to come
before you live your life.
Yeah, and it doesn't even haveto be a fairy tale.
You get to decide what yourstory is.
If you want it to be anadventure, let it be an
adventure.
Speaker 1 (57:42):
I couldn't agree more and that's amazing, because I'm
so with you.
You have to live today, youhave to be in your adventure, in
the story you create.
Kristen, thank you so, so much,so appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (57:56):
You are very welcome.
Thank you so much for having me.
It was a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (58:00):
Absolutely and for the audience.
If you'd like to connect withKristen, you can find her on
Facebook at Kristen MillerCoaching.
Kristen is spelledK-R-I-S-T-I-N and Miller
M-I-L-L-E-R coaching.
You can also find her onInstagram at
(58:23):
divorcerecoverycoach, and ifyou'd like to join her private
Facebook group, it's called LifeBeyond the Broken Heart Divorce
, separation and InfidelityRecovery.
Again, thank you so much,kristen, and that's all we have
time for today.
This is Katherine Daniels,reminding you to live your
authentic life with peace and,as always, retreat to peace and
(58:48):
we'll see you next time.
Thank you.
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