October 21, 2025 • 20 mins
Have you ever said “it’s fine” while every part of your body screamed no?
That’s the implicit yes—the quiet agreement we give when we’re too exhausted or afraid to disappoint. It’s what happens when our nervous system learns that safety depends on keeping everyone else comfortable.
In this episode, I unpack the subtle ways high-achieving, heart-centered women abandon themselves through fawning, over-explaining, and chronic guilt.
You’ll learn:
🌿 How to spot the implicit yes hiding in your everyday interactions
🌿 Why your body confuses agreement with safety (and how to rewire that pattern)
🌿 The emotional and physical cost of living in constant compliance
This conversation is an invitation to stop performing peace and start living it.
Because your voice, your no, and your truth deserve space—without guilt.
🌿 Join the Self-Respect Reset Course
If you’re tired of carrying the guilt, the “shoulds,” and the constant exhaustion that comes from saying yes when your body means no—this is your moment to reset.
Self-Respect Reset is a 4-week guided experience that helps you calm your nervous system, release guilt, and rebuild self-trust from the inside out. You’ll learn how to:
✨ Say no without spiraling into shame
✨ Create peace without disconnecting from others
✨ Replace exhaustion with ease and energy
✨ Build boundaries that honor your worth—without guilt
It’s time to stop surviving on empty and start living from alignment.
Join the journey at
www.drkellykessler.com/selfrespectresetcourse
Let go of the guilt.
Leave the exhaustion behind.
Rebuild your peace, one boundary at a time.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to rewiring health. If.
You're a high achieving woman feeling trapped in the endless
cycle of guilt and exhaustion from always putting others
first. Then this is your sanctuary.
I'm Doctor. Kelly Kessler, your.
Dedicated empowerment mentor andI'm here to tell you that it's
time to reclaim your peace, health, and happiness.
(00:20):
Imagine waking up every day feeling energized and
unapologetically. Living for yourself.
Together, we'll break. Down the walls that have been
holding you back and unlock the vibrant unstoppable.
Force that you truly are. It's time to put yourself first,
embrace your authentic self, andlive a life that's not just
endured. But celebrated.
(00:42):
Now let's dive in. Have you ever noticed your skin
reflex? Your stress.
I used to struggle with mine dry.
Dull reactive. Until I started pairing nervous
system regulation with products that actually honor your body.
(01:03):
That's why I love milk and butterflies.
They handcraft every formula with 100% organic ingredients
and powerful aromatherapy oils. They aren't just products for
your skin, they're. Rituals that.
Restore hydration, resilience and calm even in the busiest.
Seasons of our. Life.
You can try them for yourself and feel the difference.
(01:24):
Head to Milk and Butterflies anduse my promo code Doctor Kelly
for free shipping. That's DRKELLY.
For free shipping, also check out the link in the description
for the podcast. Have you ever said it's fine
when you know deep down it is really not fine?
I know I've been there so many times and I'm sure you have too.
(01:46):
And while it may seem innocent, we just kind of move on past
whatever that was. It slowly chips away at our
essence. It slowly erodes at our inner
peace. And in this episode, I'm going
to share with you some of the subtle signs that you may not
even realize you're doing, but are signs that you are
abandoning yourself to keep the peace outside yourself, where
(02:08):
you're prioritizing the comfort of others at your own cost.
I'm Kelly Kessler, I'm your host, and I am a self respect
mentor that helps you move from self neglect to self respect
where you can finally live your life with freedom and release
the feeling of guilt that keeps holding you back in the same
patterns. Now, there are so many things
(02:29):
that we do that are subtleties. We just continue on because
these are patterns that we've learned.
And I'm going to share with you 5 signs that you may be
abandoned yourself in order to keep the peace and comfort of
others outside yourself. Number one is the polite
deflection. Now, has this happened to you?
I'm sure has where you've been maybe at work or have been in a
(02:52):
community environment where someone asks you if you can do
something, Hey, can you take on this project?
Hey, can you drive here? Hey, can you just do this for
me? And that first instinct you feel
is that constriction in your body where you're like, I don't
want to, But then something overrides that and says, just
say yes. And then you're like, yeah,
that's fine. Yeah, I'll make it work.
(03:15):
And you find yourself accommodating others,
rearranging your schedule that'salready maxed out just to make
sure that you're doing what others want to do.
And again, it may seem innocent.You may think I'm a really
helpful person. I'm a go to person.
I really like to do things for others and all that is good, but
(03:36):
when it starts to erode at your own natural instincts, when it
starts to feel like it's overwhelming, when it starts to
feel like a burden, when it starts to feel like you're
stretching yourself too thin andyou're just like figuring it
out, that's when you are teaching yourself that others
needs matter more than your own.And over time, that slowly arose
(03:57):
your own self trust that you're going to stick up for yourself,
that you're going to have your own back, that you're going to
allow yourself to feel at peace and maybe not show up for
everything else in your life. The polite deflection is
something that showed up in my life so many times, especially
in my career where I felt like Ijust had a CS.
I had to go along with things. I had to just do what was
(04:19):
expected of me. And so as a physical therapist,
I was working at this company asa float full time physical
therapist, which means that I was driving from clinic to
clinic to clinic, taking on the caseload of whatever was needed.
And I would say yes because I felt like I had no choice but to
say yes. And so I found myself driving an
(04:40):
hour plus to work, seeing the most challenging caseload,
driving back home, and then going to a new location the next
day and doing the same thing over again.
And it cost me so much time. It cost me so much energy.
I was exhausted. I was coming home from work
feeling like I was completely spent.
And then at the time I had leased my car and it was a brand
(05:02):
new lease. And if you've had a lease
before, you know that you have limited miles.
And I was using up all my miles just for my job.
I barely even used the car for myself.
And I was paying more money thanI should have been after that
because my miles were maxed out.Because I didn't say no, because
I kept doing what the job wanted.
And at the other day, it didn't matter because it just, it was
(05:26):
just a job. They didn't care.
They didn't care if I kept saying yes, they were just going
to keep expecting it as long as I tolerated it.
They were going to keep on demanding it.
And so when you don't set your boundaries, people are going to
blow through it and just take advantage of whatever they can.
And that's exactly what happenedat that job.
So that deflection that that polite deflection of not saying
(05:47):
no costs a lot. And that's just a job.
I did that in personal relationships and so many other
places, but that was just one example.
And I just felt like every time I turned around, I was getting
taken advantage of and I had no more energy left for anything
else in my life. It was exhausting and it cost me
a lot, even though it was subtle.
(06:07):
It was those death of 1000 cuts.Every little day, just a little
cut, little cut, little cut. And before you know it, you're
bleeding out all your energy, you're bleeding out all your
time, everything's bleeding. And you, you have nothing left
for yourself. And that's how these subtleties
can really pile up #2 is the disappearing preference.
(06:28):
So a common 1 is where do you want to go for dinner?
And if you're someone who just tends to go along with things
that really have an opinion and just be the one who is
easygoing, you may find yourselfsaying anything's good.
Doesn't matter. Yeah, you pick.
It's Guy. And yet you may have a
preference. And maybe you have been so, so
(06:50):
disconnected from your own preferences that you tend to
just go along, let other people make the decisions.
But is there an inner voice in you that's saying, no, I want
Mexican food, I don't wanna go to Italian tonight.
And yet you're like, well, that's OK, I'll find something
in Italian. You find yourself in places
where you don't actually have preferences.
(07:12):
And This is why it's so subtle, because you may again think that
you're that easygoing person. It's not that big of a deal.
I can find something to eat anywhere.
It's it's really not that big ofa deal.
But are you not expressing your preferences or getting in
connection with your preferencesbecause of this pattern that you
have to accommodate others because of this pattern to make
(07:35):
sure other people are happy and not ruffle any feathers?
And This is why it's subtle, because it's subconscious.
We make a lot of these decisionsunder our level of awareness
that we're even doing it. We automatically are saying,
yeah, whatever, I'm good before we even check in with ourself of
like, hey, what do I want? And think about when's the last
(07:56):
time you asked yourself that question?
When you're figuring out dinner and something simple like that,
what do I want? If I could choose right now,
what would I choose? And it's that pause that gives
us some of that power back to belike, OK, what do I want in this
situation? And I use the example of dinner,
but that's a pretty common experience.
But think about this in bigger life choices, like where do you
(08:18):
want to move? What job do you want?
What role do you want to have? There's so many things that we
can just go along with what we think is expected of us.
And we don't ever stop to ask, like, what is it that I want
without all these external influences #3 is the emotional
cleanup. I'm sure you've had this
(08:38):
situation where your friend calls or your family member
calls, and it becomes this emotional dumping ground where
they are just releasing everything they've been through.
And you were not expecting that at all.
They're just laying it all out there, tell you everything,
complaining over and over and over again and again.
It may seem that you're being a good person, you're being
(09:00):
helpful, you're being there for them, which is great.
It's always great to just support people and let them have
a space to feel heard to an extent.
Do you become that person who isalways on the receiving end of
somebody else's emotional outpouring?
Do you get in places where you're already exhausted?
You pick up the phone call and you're like, who?
(09:22):
How do I get through this? Because I was already tired and
now I'm just totally depleted. I thought I was drained before,
but now after this, I am completely drained.
Do you find that yourself in that situation?
And yet, what do you say? No, it's OK.
I I can. I can hear for you.
It's OK. I can.
I have some time. Yeah, I have about like 10
minutes. I can, I can.
Listen, you just say that it's OK.
(09:45):
But did you actually check in with yourself in that moment?
And that's where the importance is.
Again, pausing, checking in withyourself.
Do you have the emotional resources to be there for
someone? Or maybe it is that you have to
say, like, listen, I want to hear you.
I just need to kind of collect myself.
I need to get myself in a betterspace.
And give yourself that ability to allow your energies to be
(10:09):
elevated. Or is it that person that is
just chronically dumping on you and is not reciprocating any of
that give and take of the emotional capacities?
Is it that person that constantly uses you to help
buffer them? In that case, again,
recognizing, are you just sayingit's fine?
Are you just staying on the line?
(10:29):
Are you just continuing to do that and being available to them
as you do that over and over again?
Your system's saying like when is my time to get to relax?
When is my time to build up my energy?
How much more of this can I do and when are you going to look
out for me? It slowly erodes you again and
again because you're prioritizing the comfort of
(10:50):
someone else over your own #4 isthe over explained boundary.
Now maybe you've mustered up thecourage to finally say no.
This is it. You're gonna say no because
you've gotten so used to saying yes.
But here is the moment you're finally gonna say no and say
that you're gonna protect your time and your energy.
But the minute you say no, you feel like you have to have an
(11:12):
entire rap sheet of why you're saying no.
You feel like you have to have an A complete solid story of why
you could possibly say no in this moment.
And so you over explain it. No, I got to do this.
I have to go there. This is why I can't do it.
You always, you have something set up already for the rebuttal
and you feel the responsibility of managing their
(11:34):
disappointment. It's that burden that we take on
ourselves that we don't even realize we're doing it.
Again, a lot of it can be so subconscious.
But do you feel responsible for managing someone else's emotions
in that moment? So if you say no, do you feel
like you have to give them some valid reason that they could
(11:54):
understand in order for them notto feel disappointed that you
said no? Do you feel like you cannot just
say no? That's not going to work for me?
Do you have to have an entire story around that before you can
actually feel comfortable to do that?
That slowly erodes you again because you feel like you have
to explain it. You have to get the validation,
(12:15):
the permission for you to actually say no and not continue
to go along with something that they maybe you don't want to.
And #5 is the smile that lies. Oh man, this, this one hits home
because I, this was my coping mechanism for so long.
It's to the point where I recognize in hindsight that I
(12:35):
did this so much that in high school, people will call me
Smiley because I was smiling. But beneath that smile of
putting on the face that everything's OK, there was a lot
of inner turmoil. And so we can disconnect from
ourselves. We, I get really good on putting
on the front that everything's OK, but behind the scenes,
there's a lot more going on there.
(12:57):
And this is one that can be so almost icky feeling when you
start to do it and you recognizethat you're doing it.
And this is something that creates that inauthenticity
between what you're feeling and what you're showing.
And then you almost feel like you're lying to yourself.
And this comes up when someone says a joke to you that really
(13:18):
stings. It gets you at your core.
And instead of being like, hey, listen, I didn't like that.
That made me feel a certain way.Please don't say that anymore.
You kind of laugh it off and like, alright, whatever, I'll
just blow it off. It's not worth it.
I'm just it's not worth it. Or you just nod when someone
talks over you. So you're saying something and
then they just completely dominate the conversation.
(13:38):
You're like, Yep. And you go along with it without
actually standing up for yourself and be like, listen, I
want to hear your point of view,but I want to finish mine first.
Or again, as I started that it'sfine.
It's fine even though it's not. You just put on the face like,
no worries, I got it. It's fine, but you know it's
(14:01):
not, and you know there's something speaking to you,
within you that's saying that's not OK.
When are you going to speak up for yourself?
When are you going to advocate for yourself?
It's those subtleties that we may do subconsciously.
We just continue to show up in that way.
And yet it teaches our system that we can't be authentic and
feel safe at the same time. It teaches our system that other
(14:23):
people's emotions matter more than our own.
It teaches our system that we'renot going to be here to protect
ourselves. It teaches our system that we
can't trust ourselves. And it teaches our system that
we have to show up the way others expect us to.
And those gradually erode at your peace.
They gradually feel like that inner turmoil that you can't
(14:46):
really put your finger on, but you know it's there.
And you're wondering like, there's got to be more to this.
There's more to this. I don't know why I feel like
this over and over again. I'm exhausted, I'm burnt out.
I'm sick of putting on a happy face.
But yeah, I don't know how not to because that's how I got so
used to showing up in life. And I know that feeling because
I live that feeling for so much of my life.
(15:09):
And it's hard. It's really hard.
You feel like if you're in a constant tug of war between what
feels right, what's authentic for you, and what you feel like,
you have to show the outer world.
And that discrepancy wears on you over time.
And the reason why these are subtle, the reason why these are
hard to catch is because they'rein our bodies.
(15:29):
Our bodies have learned to respond in a way that makes them
feel safe. Our nervous system has learned
how to feel safe, even if it means self sacrificing.
And what this is, is the fond response.
It's a trauma response within our bodies that says if the
peace is kept outside ourselves,then we're we're safe.
(15:50):
If they're OK, then I must be OK.
I will mold, adapt and quiet andsilence and make myself feel
small in order for the environment to feel like it's
safe. And so we modify everything that
we do. We screen ourselves.
We live through this lens of feeling like we have to
(16:11):
continually adapt for other people to feel comfortable
because that's our sense of safety.
So it's not as simple as stop doing it because whatever,
whatever we resist persists. It's about teaching our nervous
system that we are safe in this moment and that we can live a
life where we're authentic and safe.
We can disappoint people and notbe responsible, responsible for
(16:35):
their emotions. We can say no without having to
justify it. These are all the things that we
can learn once we feel safe enough to learn them, once we
feel safe enough in our bodies to move through the world in a
way that feels authentic to us, even if it causes a rift in the
external world. Because when you prioritize the
(16:58):
external world, you may build upthat world, but you eventually
erode your own inner world. And when you prioritize your
peace, finally you are saying toyourself that I am willing to
lose and cause a rift in the outside world as long as I don't
lose myself anymore. You get to the point where
(17:21):
you're sick of losing yourself for other things to be OK, and
that is truly self respect. When you are willing to do the
work and recognize that you are worthy of taking back your
power, taking back your energy, taking back your time, and
protecting yourself, finally living your life with integrity
and authenticity. And that all comes first with
(17:44):
feeling safe enough to ground into yourself.
And so if this has spoken to you, if this is something that
has deeply resonated with you, if you've noticed some of these
signs in your body, in your life, I invite you to join my
new course, Self Respect Reset. In this four week course, you're
(18:04):
going to learn how you can startto set boundaries that feel
safe. You're going to learn how to
navigate them without the sense of guilt that pulls you back
into the esses. And you're going to learn how to
regulate your nervous system so that you can feel authentic, so
that you can feel free in your body, so that you can show up
with what feels aligned with you, and to release the burden
(18:28):
of having to manage everybody else's emotions.
This is what you will take home from this course.
And in four weeks, you will notice that your level of self
respect has elevated to a point where you are feeling at home
with yourself. Finally, this all comes from
from my own experience of livingmost of my life without
(18:49):
boundaries, living most of my life with making sure everybody
else was OK. Living most of my life from that
fond response of keeping the peace outside myself, even if it
meant losing myself. And it was only when I started
to stand in my own power, recognize that I had so much
within me that needed to be recognized, that needs to be
(19:11):
loved, need to be approached with compassion, that my whole
life changed and yours will too.And when you recognize that your
inner world then gets mirrored in your outer world, everything
changes. Because then you start to see
that you have the power to change your life from the inside
out. And that's exactly what you'll
do in this course. Self respect reset.
(19:32):
So if this has resonated with you, I invite you to join my
course the. Doors have just.
Opened This is going to be your transformation for a whole new
version of you, where you can stand in your power, you can
feel more freedom in your body, and you can live a life that
feels aligned with you, where you are prioritizing your own
piece. Check out the link in the show
(19:53):
notes. Thank you so much for tuning
into this episode. If there was something in this
episode that really resonated with you or a message that stuck
with you, please share it with someone else.
It's only through sharing these messages that we can start to
rewire our minds to feel empowered and live the life that
we truly desire. Please subscribe so you never
(20:14):
miss an episode. And again, thank you so much for
tuning in to Rewiring. Health.
Welcome to rewiring health. If.
You're a high achieving woman feeling trapped in the endless
cycle of guilt and exhaustion from always putting others
first. Then this is your sanctuary.
I'm Doctor. Kelly Kessler, your.
Dedicated empowerment mentor andI'm here to tell you that it's
time to reclaim your peace, health, and happiness.
(00:20):
Imagine waking up every day feeling energized and
unapologetically. Living for yourself.
Together, we'll break. Down the walls that have been
holding you back and unlock the vibrant unstoppable.
Force that you truly are. It's time to put yourself first,
embrace your authentic self, andlive a life that's not just
endured. But celebrated.
(00:42):
Now let's dive in. Have you ever noticed your skin
reflex? Your stress.
I used to struggle with mine dry.
Dull reactive. Until I started pairing nervous
system regulation with products that actually honor your body.
(01:03):
That's why I love milk and butterflies.
They handcraft every formula with 100% organic ingredients
and powerful aromatherapy oils. They aren't just products for
your skin, they're. Rituals that.
Restore hydration, resilience and calm even in the busiest.
Seasons of our. Life.
You can try them for yourself and feel the difference.
(01:24):
Head to Milk and Butterflies anduse my promo code Doctor Kelly
for free shipping. That's DRKELLY.
For free shipping, also check out the link in the description
for the podcast. Have you ever said it's fine
when you know deep down it is really not fine?
I know I've been there so many times and I'm sure you have too.
(01:46):
And while it may seem innocent, we just kind of move on past
whatever that was. It slowly chips away at our
essence. It slowly erodes at our inner
peace. And in this episode, I'm going
to share with you some of the subtle signs that you may not
even realize you're doing, but are signs that you are
abandoning yourself to keep the peace outside yourself, where
(02:08):
you're prioritizing the comfort of others at your own cost.
I'm Kelly Kessler, I'm your host, and I am a self respect
mentor that helps you move from self neglect to self respect
where you can finally live your life with freedom and release
the feeling of guilt that keeps holding you back in the same
patterns. Now, there are so many things
(02:29):
that we do that are subtleties. We just continue on because
these are patterns that we've learned.
And I'm going to share with you 5 signs that you may be
abandoned yourself in order to keep the peace and comfort of
others outside yourself. Number one is the polite
deflection. Now, has this happened to you?
I'm sure has where you've been maybe at work or have been in a
(02:52):
community environment where someone asks you if you can do
something, Hey, can you take on this project?
Hey, can you drive here? Hey, can you just do this for
me? And that first instinct you feel
is that constriction in your body where you're like, I don't
want to, But then something overrides that and says, just
say yes. And then you're like, yeah,
that's fine. Yeah, I'll make it work.
(03:15):
And you find yourself accommodating others,
rearranging your schedule that'salready maxed out just to make
sure that you're doing what others want to do.
And again, it may seem innocent.You may think I'm a really
helpful person. I'm a go to person.
I really like to do things for others and all that is good, but
(03:36):
when it starts to erode at your own natural instincts, when it
starts to feel like it's overwhelming, when it starts to
feel like a burden, when it starts to feel like you're
stretching yourself too thin andyou're just like figuring it
out, that's when you are teaching yourself that others
needs matter more than your own.And over time, that slowly arose
(03:57):
your own self trust that you're going to stick up for yourself,
that you're going to have your own back, that you're going to
allow yourself to feel at peace and maybe not show up for
everything else in your life. The polite deflection is
something that showed up in my life so many times, especially
in my career where I felt like Ijust had a CS.
I had to go along with things. I had to just do what was
(04:19):
expected of me. And so as a physical therapist,
I was working at this company asa float full time physical
therapist, which means that I was driving from clinic to
clinic to clinic, taking on the caseload of whatever was needed.
And I would say yes because I felt like I had no choice but to
say yes. And so I found myself driving an
(04:40):
hour plus to work, seeing the most challenging caseload,
driving back home, and then going to a new location the next
day and doing the same thing over again.
And it cost me so much time. It cost me so much energy.
I was exhausted. I was coming home from work
feeling like I was completely spent.
And then at the time I had leased my car and it was a brand
(05:02):
new lease. And if you've had a lease
before, you know that you have limited miles.
And I was using up all my miles just for my job.
I barely even used the car for myself.
And I was paying more money thanI should have been after that
because my miles were maxed out.Because I didn't say no, because
I kept doing what the job wanted.
And at the other day, it didn't matter because it just, it was
(05:26):
just a job. They didn't care.
They didn't care if I kept saying yes, they were just going
to keep expecting it as long as I tolerated it.
They were going to keep on demanding it.
And so when you don't set your boundaries, people are going to
blow through it and just take advantage of whatever they can.
And that's exactly what happenedat that job.
So that deflection that that polite deflection of not saying
(05:47):
no costs a lot. And that's just a job.
I did that in personal relationships and so many other
places, but that was just one example.
And I just felt like every time I turned around, I was getting
taken advantage of and I had no more energy left for anything
else in my life. It was exhausting and it cost me
a lot, even though it was subtle.
(06:07):
It was those death of 1000 cuts.Every little day, just a little
cut, little cut, little cut. And before you know it, you're
bleeding out all your energy, you're bleeding out all your
time, everything's bleeding. And you, you have nothing left
for yourself. And that's how these subtleties
can really pile up #2 is the disappearing preference.
(06:28):
So a common 1 is where do you want to go for dinner?
And if you're someone who just tends to go along with things
that really have an opinion and just be the one who is
easygoing, you may find yourselfsaying anything's good.
Doesn't matter. Yeah, you pick.
It's Guy. And yet you may have a
preference. And maybe you have been so, so
(06:50):
disconnected from your own preferences that you tend to
just go along, let other people make the decisions.
But is there an inner voice in you that's saying, no, I want
Mexican food, I don't wanna go to Italian tonight.
And yet you're like, well, that's OK, I'll find something
in Italian. You find yourself in places
where you don't actually have preferences.
(07:12):
And This is why it's so subtle, because you may again think that
you're that easygoing person. It's not that big of a deal.
I can find something to eat anywhere.
It's it's really not that big ofa deal.
But are you not expressing your preferences or getting in
connection with your preferencesbecause of this pattern that you
have to accommodate others because of this pattern to make
(07:35):
sure other people are happy and not ruffle any feathers?
And This is why it's subtle, because it's subconscious.
We make a lot of these decisionsunder our level of awareness
that we're even doing it. We automatically are saying,
yeah, whatever, I'm good before we even check in with ourself of
like, hey, what do I want? And think about when's the last
(07:56):
time you asked yourself that question?
When you're figuring out dinner and something simple like that,
what do I want? If I could choose right now,
what would I choose? And it's that pause that gives
us some of that power back to belike, OK, what do I want in this
situation? And I use the example of dinner,
but that's a pretty common experience.
But think about this in bigger life choices, like where do you
(08:18):
want to move? What job do you want?
What role do you want to have? There's so many things that we
can just go along with what we think is expected of us.
And we don't ever stop to ask, like, what is it that I want
without all these external influences #3 is the emotional
cleanup. I'm sure you've had this
(08:38):
situation where your friend calls or your family member
calls, and it becomes this emotional dumping ground where
they are just releasing everything they've been through.
And you were not expecting that at all.
They're just laying it all out there, tell you everything,
complaining over and over and over again and again.
It may seem that you're being a good person, you're being
(09:00):
helpful, you're being there for them, which is great.
It's always great to just support people and let them have
a space to feel heard to an extent.
Do you become that person who isalways on the receiving end of
somebody else's emotional outpouring?
Do you get in places where you're already exhausted?
You pick up the phone call and you're like, who?
(09:22):
How do I get through this? Because I was already tired and
now I'm just totally depleted. I thought I was drained before,
but now after this, I am completely drained.
Do you find that yourself in that situation?
And yet, what do you say? No, it's OK.
I I can. I can hear for you.
It's OK. I can.
I have some time. Yeah, I have about like 10
minutes. I can, I can.
Listen, you just say that it's OK.
(09:45):
But did you actually check in with yourself in that moment?
And that's where the importance is.
Again, pausing, checking in withyourself.
Do you have the emotional resources to be there for
someone? Or maybe it is that you have to
say, like, listen, I want to hear you.
I just need to kind of collect myself.
I need to get myself in a betterspace.
And give yourself that ability to allow your energies to be
(10:09):
elevated. Or is it that person that is
just chronically dumping on you and is not reciprocating any of
that give and take of the emotional capacities?
Is it that person that constantly uses you to help
buffer them? In that case, again,
recognizing, are you just sayingit's fine?
Are you just staying on the line?
(10:29):
Are you just continuing to do that and being available to them
as you do that over and over again?
Your system's saying like when is my time to get to relax?
When is my time to build up my energy?
How much more of this can I do and when are you going to look
out for me? It slowly erodes you again and
again because you're prioritizing the comfort of
(10:50):
someone else over your own #4 isthe over explained boundary.
Now maybe you've mustered up thecourage to finally say no.
This is it. You're gonna say no because
you've gotten so used to saying yes.
But here is the moment you're finally gonna say no and say
that you're gonna protect your time and your energy.
But the minute you say no, you feel like you have to have an
(11:12):
entire rap sheet of why you're saying no.
You feel like you have to have an A complete solid story of why
you could possibly say no in this moment.
And so you over explain it. No, I got to do this.
I have to go there. This is why I can't do it.
You always, you have something set up already for the rebuttal
and you feel the responsibility of managing their
(11:34):
disappointment. It's that burden that we take on
ourselves that we don't even realize we're doing it.
Again, a lot of it can be so subconscious.
But do you feel responsible for managing someone else's emotions
in that moment? So if you say no, do you feel
like you have to give them some valid reason that they could
(11:54):
understand in order for them notto feel disappointed that you
said no? Do you feel like you cannot just
say no? That's not going to work for me?
Do you have to have an entire story around that before you can
actually feel comfortable to do that?
That slowly erodes you again because you feel like you have
to explain it. You have to get the validation,
(12:15):
the permission for you to actually say no and not continue
to go along with something that they maybe you don't want to.
And #5 is the smile that lies. Oh man, this, this one hits home
because I, this was my coping mechanism for so long.
It's to the point where I recognize in hindsight that I
(12:35):
did this so much that in high school, people will call me
Smiley because I was smiling. But beneath that smile of
putting on the face that everything's OK, there was a lot
of inner turmoil. And so we can disconnect from
ourselves. We, I get really good on putting
on the front that everything's OK, but behind the scenes,
there's a lot more going on there.
(12:57):
And this is one that can be so almost icky feeling when you
start to do it and you recognizethat you're doing it.
And this is something that creates that inauthenticity
between what you're feeling and what you're showing.
And then you almost feel like you're lying to yourself.
And this comes up when someone says a joke to you that really
(13:18):
stings. It gets you at your core.
And instead of being like, hey, listen, I didn't like that.
That made me feel a certain way.Please don't say that anymore.
You kind of laugh it off and like, alright, whatever, I'll
just blow it off. It's not worth it.
I'm just it's not worth it. Or you just nod when someone
talks over you. So you're saying something and
then they just completely dominate the conversation.
(13:38):
You're like, Yep. And you go along with it without
actually standing up for yourself and be like, listen, I
want to hear your point of view,but I want to finish mine first.
Or again, as I started that it'sfine.
It's fine even though it's not. You just put on the face like,
no worries, I got it. It's fine, but you know it's
(14:01):
not, and you know there's something speaking to you,
within you that's saying that's not OK.
When are you going to speak up for yourself?
When are you going to advocate for yourself?
It's those subtleties that we may do subconsciously.
We just continue to show up in that way.
And yet it teaches our system that we can't be authentic and
feel safe at the same time. It teaches our system that other
(14:23):
people's emotions matter more than our own.
It teaches our system that we'renot going to be here to protect
ourselves. It teaches our system that we
can't trust ourselves. And it teaches our system that
we have to show up the way others expect us to.
And those gradually erode at your peace.
They gradually feel like that inner turmoil that you can't
(14:46):
really put your finger on, but you know it's there.
And you're wondering like, there's got to be more to this.
There's more to this. I don't know why I feel like
this over and over again. I'm exhausted, I'm burnt out.
I'm sick of putting on a happy face.
But yeah, I don't know how not to because that's how I got so
used to showing up in life. And I know that feeling because
I live that feeling for so much of my life.
(15:09):
And it's hard. It's really hard.
You feel like if you're in a constant tug of war between what
feels right, what's authentic for you, and what you feel like,
you have to show the outer world.
And that discrepancy wears on you over time.
And the reason why these are subtle, the reason why these are
hard to catch is because they'rein our bodies.
(15:29):
Our bodies have learned to respond in a way that makes them
feel safe. Our nervous system has learned
how to feel safe, even if it means self sacrificing.
And what this is, is the fond response.
It's a trauma response within our bodies that says if the
peace is kept outside ourselves,then we're we're safe.
(15:50):
If they're OK, then I must be OK.
I will mold, adapt and quiet andsilence and make myself feel
small in order for the environment to feel like it's
safe. And so we modify everything that
we do. We screen ourselves.
We live through this lens of feeling like we have to
(16:11):
continually adapt for other people to feel comfortable
because that's our sense of safety.
So it's not as simple as stop doing it because whatever,
whatever we resist persists. It's about teaching our nervous
system that we are safe in this moment and that we can live a
life where we're authentic and safe.
We can disappoint people and notbe responsible, responsible for
(16:35):
their emotions. We can say no without having to
justify it. These are all the things that we
can learn once we feel safe enough to learn them, once we
feel safe enough in our bodies to move through the world in a
way that feels authentic to us, even if it causes a rift in the
external world. Because when you prioritize the
(16:58):
external world, you may build upthat world, but you eventually
erode your own inner world. And when you prioritize your
peace, finally you are saying toyourself that I am willing to
lose and cause a rift in the outside world as long as I don't
lose myself anymore. You get to the point where
(17:21):
you're sick of losing yourself for other things to be OK, and
that is truly self respect. When you are willing to do the
work and recognize that you are worthy of taking back your
power, taking back your energy, taking back your time, and
protecting yourself, finally living your life with integrity
and authenticity. And that all comes first with
(17:44):
feeling safe enough to ground into yourself.
And so if this has spoken to you, if this is something that
has deeply resonated with you, if you've noticed some of these
signs in your body, in your life, I invite you to join my
new course, Self Respect Reset. In this four week course, you're
(18:04):
going to learn how you can startto set boundaries that feel
safe. You're going to learn how to
navigate them without the sense of guilt that pulls you back
into the esses. And you're going to learn how to
regulate your nervous system so that you can feel authentic, so
that you can feel free in your body, so that you can show up
with what feels aligned with you, and to release the burden
(18:28):
of having to manage everybody else's emotions.
This is what you will take home from this course.
And in four weeks, you will notice that your level of self
respect has elevated to a point where you are feeling at home
with yourself. Finally, this all comes from
from my own experience of livingmost of my life without
(18:49):
boundaries, living most of my life with making sure everybody
else was OK. Living most of my life from that
fond response of keeping the peace outside myself, even if it
meant losing myself. And it was only when I started
to stand in my own power, recognize that I had so much
within me that needed to be recognized, that needs to be
(19:11):
loved, need to be approached with compassion, that my whole
life changed and yours will too.And when you recognize that your
inner world then gets mirrored in your outer world, everything
changes. Because then you start to see
that you have the power to change your life from the inside
out. And that's exactly what you'll
do in this course. Self respect reset.
(19:32):
So if this has resonated with you, I invite you to join my
course the. Doors have just.
Opened This is going to be your transformation for a whole new
version of you, where you can stand in your power, you can
feel more freedom in your body, and you can live a life that
feels aligned with you, where you are prioritizing your own
piece. Check out the link in the show
(19:53):
notes. Thank you so much for tuning
into this episode. If there was something in this
episode that really resonated with you or a message that stuck
with you, please share it with someone else.
It's only through sharing these messages that we can start to
rewire our minds to feel empowered and live the life that
we truly desire. Please subscribe so you never
(20:14):
miss an episode. And again, thank you so much for
tuning in to Rewiring. Health.
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