March 10, 2025 • 43 mins
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore
healthy relationships.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Oh, god's design.
It's another thing to embraceit, and I think many of us may
know it.
But the Bible says don't justbe hearers, but to be doers.
And we always talk about how wewant to be, the how to channel.
We want to show you how to.
And we have been married thisyear.
Actually, next, this month,it'll be be 36 years.
(00:45):
We've been married and we stilllike each other and we still
date each other.
And, um, the reason why I havethis in my hand is because I
said how many of you are single?
I'm a single people hey, yay, welove you, all of our singles.
How many of you are married?
Yay, it's two of you.
(01:06):
Hallelujah, that's wonderful.
Well, I can guarantee you this,going into this message or this
lesson or this time together.
And if you have questions andif you have you want to debate
it or whatever, you're welcometo do that in the comments I can
guarantee you money back.
I can guarantee you that if yougo into marriage as one person,
(01:30):
it's really hard.
Marriage is really hard whenit's only one person doing the
job of three, because in orderfor marriage to work, you need
you, the person you marry, andGod.
And while all of these arestrong, they're so much stronger
(01:53):
.
Let me hold it together for me,babe.
I had no idea what we're doing,so I'm just going with the flow,
y'all but the bible says that athree-fold cord is not easily
broken, and so I can guaranteeyou that, if you go into what
god designed by yourself or justas two, and if you don't go
(02:15):
into it with the way goddesigned it for it to be three
people, so all of these threethings came together to make one
, so it's a lot stronger and thethreefold cord is not easily
broken.
And I know we live in a societynow where everybody thinks that
they can just know God's design,or they can change God's design
(02:40):
, or they can ignore God'sdesign, or they can ignore God's
design.
In order for something to bestrong and work the way it was
designed, you have to follow the, the owner's instructions, and
when we give our hearts to theprice, god owns us and we belong
to him, and so this is how youmake a marriage work you, your
spouse and God you know I haveto about and that's a good
(03:03):
object lesson I thought about aswe were preparing for this,
when we were just dating, and atthe time when we were dating,
god wasn't even nowhere on myradar.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
You know, I know I had, I was a, as they say, cme
believer, or Christian Christmas, Easter and Mother's Day.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Those are the only time I went to church.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Christmas, easter, christmas, cme Christmas,
mother's Day and Easter thosewere the only days that I went
to church.
Sometimes, you know, evenbefore I came to understand what
it was really all about.
And if you think about and thatkind of spilled over into the
dating relationship, when I wasdating, I was going by my own
(03:49):
standards.
I didn't know that there was adesign or even a idea of a
purpose for what dating wasreally all about, because I was
just doing it my own way.
I was just doing what I figuredwas the right way, based on
experiences, based on thingsthat I've seen and based on
things that I heard, because Ireally didn't know anything.
(04:09):
When you're starting out dating,especially at a young age, you
really are just mimicking whatyou see, or mimicking or kind of
filling in the gaps of what youthink you heard and how it
interprets into your own life,and so I was just trying to
figure it out and some thingsyou get right, some things you
get wrong.
You may have multiplerelationships in the past and
(04:31):
you're wondering what is it thatmessed up?
Or where did it go off therails or what went wrong,
whether it was you or withsomeone else.
Well, the thing that you haveto think about is there is God
has a design for everything,even when you're dating that if
you know what the design is,then you know how it is supposed
to operate and how it'ssupposed to work.
(04:51):
And that's what we're sharingwith you, because when you
embrace God's design for notjust marriage and dating, but in
relationships, they're going towork.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
And they're going to be a whole lot stronger.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Because God is going to be intertwined through
everything that you do,everything that you say and
everything that you are tryingto do in the relationship.
So you have to think about whatis it that I'm doing, what is
it that I'm trying to accomplish?
And it's not just about gettinga partner to hang out with.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
And so that you won't .
Speaker 3 (05:22):
And the thing about it in order for that to get
braided, there had to besomething that had to be done.
It didn't just happen and Goddidn't just make it happen.
God didn't create us to berobots or he created us to be
mindless.
He gave us a desire.
He said he gave us desires, hegave us all a purpose, and he
also.
We have to understand that Godgives us a mind and he wants us
(05:45):
to use our mind.
He wants us to use our will, hewants us to choose.
And he said I place before youlife and death, blessings and
curses.
Ok, gives us the answer.
He says to choose life.
And so, in this embracing God'sdesign is first the question
you have to ask yourself is theBible the final authority in
your life?
question you have to askyourself is the bible the final
(06:06):
authority in your life?
It's impossible to embracegod's design for marriage when
the bible is not the finalauthority in your life.
They're like you're talkingabout when we were dating and we
were younger.
We, we didn't grow up in church.
I got saved when I was 22, 22,23.
(06:26):
It was right before we had Eric.
23 is when I got saved and itgave my heart to Christ.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
And then I was right after that, so we were both 23.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Yeah, so we were younger, so we didn't have the
Bible and Christian values andChristian examples as our
foundation.
But when we did, when we wereexposed to and we were given the
opportunity to make a decision,we chose to make the Bible and
Christ, and all the things thatgo along with that, the
(06:57):
authority in life.
So it's a difference betweenhim being your savior and him
being your Lord.
He can't just be, he can't besavior, he has to be savior and
Lord being your lord.
He can't just be, he can't besavior at uh, he has to be
savior and lord of everything,every part of your life, every
decision, party, party, decisionmaking process.
And when you do that, it makesyour life more enjoyable.
Does that mean bad things won'thappen?
Does that mean no?
(07:18):
life is gonna happen yeah, wehave had difficulties and ups
and downs and.
But when you say to embrace his, his ways is to know what they
are, and I.
But when you say to embrace hisways is to know what they are,
and I think so.
When you say, when you thinkabout what, what the desire God
has for marriage, how would youdescribe it?
What would you say?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
I would say the first part is not kind of off of what
you're describing is acceptingthe Bible as the authority.
Because just like I was tryingto figure things out hey, mr
Tyler, every time I was tryingto figure things out it was more
like get it right, get it wrong.
But then I had to understandthat there is a better way.
But if you don't seek thebetter way, then you're just
(07:56):
going to keep reduplicating thethings over and over and over in
your life and not wondering andwondering what's going on or
what's wrong.
So I would say, even kind ofgoing into this and if you just
joined us, we're talking aboutembracing God's design for
singleness and also in marriage,as you move to marriage, if
that's your desire, the thingsthat you can do and things that
(08:16):
you can be thinking about rightnow.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
From the singles blueprint, from dating and
marriage, chapter 11.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
That's what we're doing today, today and this is
the last chapter that we'regoing to actually be doing,
because this is the last weekthat we're going to be, uh live
for this year.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
This is our last live for the year.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Y'all, we love y'all but see, we just had a squirrel
moment so sorry about that, butit kind of goes back into what
we're talking about embracinggod's design for dating and
marriage.
If you started out with a planand knowing and understanding
how God designed things to work,you're probably going to have
more success.
So the first one we're going totalk about is a little bit of
(08:55):
kind of what Renee is talkingabout.
With our example, you're asingle individual and you get
connected with another personand, having God intertwined into
it, the two shall become one.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Well, it's really the three, because God has to be,
because a lot of the things thatyou are expected to do and
expected to understand.
This morning we were doing ourdevotional.
Gil was like babe, I want to doour devotional together, and so
he's doing OBC and we love OBC.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Gil started doing that years and years and years
ago and the thing that it's anonline Bible college they have
like over oh man, it has to beover four, three, four hundred
lessons that you can do, butanyway and, and it was just
talking.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
We're talking about the authority of.
God's word, of his word, yeahyeah, and I thought it was
beautiful because I think one ofthe things that we don't
understand and maybe peopledon't talk about, marriage,
while it is beautiful and it isa gift, it is designed by God
for a purpose and it's for twopeople who have a purpose to
(09:58):
come together to fulfill God'spurpose.
So marriage is not just for us.
Marriage is for all of us.
Our responsibility when we getmarried is to say we will be
God's representative of who heis, from the feminine and from
the masculine.
And so in a marriage, we areshowing the world love and joy
(10:21):
and peace and goodness andheartache, and ups and downs and
highs and lows.
That's what we say when we saywhat do you want to get married
for?
I want to get married so that Ican show the world who God is
in my life, and while all theother things are great, but at
the end of the day, the Biblesays only what we do for Christ
(10:44):
is going to matter.
And so if you're looking atmarriage as a way, I would say
marriage is where you go toserve and to give.
Marriage is where you have tobecome selfless.
Marriage is where you learn tobe second.
And if you don't understand thatand you think marriage is just
about the wedding and thevacations and having kids and
(11:05):
buying houses and buying cars,you're going to miss out on the
most important part of it.
Because when life comes andwhen difficulty comes, if you go
into it thinking that it's justabout this other person
fulfilling all of my desires anddreams, then you're going to be
, you're going to be, you'regoing to.
It's going to.
It's going to knock you over.
(11:26):
Because, guess what?
Gil is human and he has growthareas and strengths and he has
needs and he has frailty.
And so if I'm coming to himexpecting for him to be the
answer to all of my problems andthe source of my strength, then
he's going to disappoint me andI'm going to disappoint him.
So when we go into marriageunderstanding what it's for,
(11:48):
what God designed it for, Ithink you just.
It gives you a differentperspective.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
You think about.
You're coming together as asingle individual with another
person.
In our society and in ourculture today, it's a bunch of
individualism.
It's a bunch of things thatit's all about me and what I'm
trying to accomplish and whatI'm trying to do.
Well, that is the polar oppositeof what God's design for your
relationship would be.
(12:13):
Like Renee was just describing.
Self-fulfillment is what theworld says.
Well, the opposite of that isto be selfless, where you are
looking to serve this otherindividual.
One thing that I can say aboutour relationship is I didn't
recognize some of the thingsthat I needed to work on until
God put this white haired womanin my life, because, therefore,
(12:36):
that became something that wasbecome very obvious.
Yes, you can hear it from othersources, but when you hear it
from someone that is the closestperson to you, about not just
things that you're doing wrong,I'm talking about things that
make you better than who you areby yourself, because you're not
aware of some of the thingsthat are we call them growth
(12:56):
areas that are in your life,until God puts someone in your
life to say you know what?
That's something that you maywant to look at or work on.
Well, it's a partnership.
It's a partnership ofunderstanding that.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
It didn't stop.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
No, it didn't stop yeah, okay.
I just want to make sure itdidn't stop, sorry, guys.
It's weird, it flipped the view, but that's okay.
So, like we were talking aboutso, that you have to be looking
to serve this other person andif you're not looking to serve
this other person, you're goingto have some serious challenges
when it comes to what are wetrying to do.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
What are we trying to accomplish in our lives as two
individuals that have cometogether to become one?
And I think about it.
It's like.
I know that it doesn't soundromantic and it doesn't sound
sexy and it doesn't sound fun,but those things are the
byproduct of you having a realunderstanding, because I think
about it.
Gil and I have been togetherfor 39 years.
We dated for three years beforewe got married, and so if you
(14:08):
think about it to be withsomeone that long, so how do you
keep it hot and how do you notget bored?
And how do you?
It's because you have anunderstanding of what it is.
And how do you?
It's because you have anunderstanding of what it is.
I understand that I am sharingmy life with A heir, a king.
I understand that I am calledto love and submit and serve
(14:33):
this person, this man, thisamazing gift.
I don't just look at him as myhusband, I look at him as a
co-heir.
He's my brother in Christ, heis the head.
I look at all the things thatthe Bible says about who he is,
and so it's not just the man,it's also the purpose, it's the
plan, it's the leadership, it'sthe mantle that God has put on
(14:54):
him, and so when you come intoit with that understanding, it
just makes it more enjoyable andmore fulfilling, and it gives
it longevity.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Yes.
So if you just joined us thanksfor joining, thanks for hanging
out Put it in the chat whereyou're checking it out from
where you're coming to join usfrom.
This is something we do everySaturday.
We've been doing it for alittle while now.
We try to come with you withsome planting seeds.
We're just trying to sprinklesome seeds into your
relationship, to give you somethings to think about as you're
growing in your relationshipwith another person, to give you
(15:25):
a plan, because when we werecoming up, we really didn't have
a plan.
We really didn't have an ideaof what this marriage thing was
supposed to look like, becausewe are just trying to figure it
out.
Well, when you don't figure itout, you're going to make those
mistakes that make you go, whoa,what is going on?
But if you think about, hey,this is something that I'm
(15:46):
pursuing with another person, alife mission, a life goal, and
that's another thing that we'retalking about today is about
embracing God's design formarriage.
But before you actually get tothat point, you have to
understand what is the designall about, and we're just
sharing with you some of thethings that we put about in the
book.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
The singles blueprint for dating in marriage.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
You can pick it up at your local Barnes Noble or go
to Barnes Noble online or reachout to us and we can do it
through the website and all thatstuff.
It's in the link, it's on allthe stuff that we have out there
on us and say, hey, I want thatbook.
Man, Let me check that thingout because we've been getting
(16:26):
good, good reports from thepeople who have been reading it.
But we have to warn you, wehave to warn you don't get this
book if you do not want to bechallenged.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
Yes, and that's one of the things we keep hearing.
Man, this book ain't no joke,because we believe that it is
two individuals.
You're an individual, sorelationships and even we work
with couples.
We always say this is about me,helping me to be the best
version of me and guilt to bethe best person.
So we work with couples.
(16:52):
It's not about you telling mewhat the other person is doing
wrong.
It's about you looking atyourself, because the most
important thing you can do toget prepared to spend your life
with another person is to reallyget to know and understand your
growth areas, your strengths,your highs, your lows, your
likes, your dislikes, the thingsyou need to get better at,
because a part of what sharingyour life with someone else is
(17:13):
going to do, it's going toexpose you to things about
yourself that you don't know,and so if you go into it knowing
that it's not just going to bedinner and sex, it's going to be
sometimes being told somethingthat you may not like.
It's going to be sometimesdoing things you may not like to
(17:34):
do.
Gil is really neat andorganized and I'm not, but over
the years I have learned toadopt that to the best of my
personality been.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
And so just knowing that when you make a decision to
say I'm going to spend my lifewith someone else, it's not, I'm
giving myself away, right, I'msharing my life.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
You know and that's something that we want to share
with you that if you're in arelationship with someone, every
situation, every relationshipis unique.
If we are just sharing with youthe things that we have done in
ours, that hopefully you cantake in and translate it and
morph it into something thatwill work for you.
That, when you think about yourrelationship, is you all come
(18:15):
from different backgrounds, wecome from different experiences
and those things personalities,different personalities,
different order of like.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I'm the oldest, guilt is the, the middle child.
You know, all of those thingsplay a part and so we're not
trying to give you a cookiecutter one size fit all, because
god doesn't do that.
Every marriage is different,every couple is different.
Every couple's call, everycouple's um bend, every couple's
mission is going to bedifferent.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Yeah, especially you guys.
Design is for you guys topartner in to achieve your own
goals and your visions andthings that you aspire into as
an individual.
You're not expected to justdismiss those and just throw
them to the wayside when you getwith someone or partner in with
someone for life wayside.
When you get with someone orpartner in with someone for life
, that is to help you get there.
I can think about some thingsthat Renee has helped me become
(19:05):
very instrumental, not justcareer-wise, but me as an
individual-wise.
For I think about one thatcomes to mind God's design was
for me to be emotionally healthy.
I know that's weird hearing itfrom a guy, because it's two
things that guys.
I like to say and I said itmultiple times that these two
emotions we have down pat lustand anger.
(19:26):
We don't need to express thoseany other kind of way.
We already were taught thosethings inherently that are just
in us naturally.
But when you think about, thinkabout what is it like to be
vulnerable, what is it like tobe apprehensive, have anxiety,
have vulnerability, all thoseother emotions that women have
in spades and droves that canhelp us manifest those things in
(19:46):
our lives, because you can'tbecome a healthier person.
If you're only doing lust andanger, if you're only
manifesting those two, you'regoing to have a difficulty or
have a difficult life when itcomes to partnering with another
person, to understand thecomplexity that women bring.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Yes, you always say I'm going to nick my wife.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I'm going to say that women can be very complex.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
Yes, and I know that and I agree, and I think to me
that's something you have to bewilling to be honest with
yourself about what you bring toa relationship.
Everything that I bring is notwonderful and beautiful and so
as long as I'm aware of that, sowhen he comes and tells me
something that I need to work on, I have to have enough humility
(20:33):
, grace, empathy, patience,empathy, patience, submission,
kindness, gentleness, gentleness, gentleness to say thank you,
babe.
I appreciate you for telling me.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
I'll be totally honest.
When somebody, when yourpartner, comes to you with
something that is not positive,something that you may need to
correct or need to work on, youshouldn't embrace it or
something that they need.
Something that they need.
You shouldn't look at it as apoint of contention.
We always say you should lookat it as a point of opportunity.
We believe that God embracesthis design is for you to become
(21:08):
the best person that you can be, and the way that happens is by
you being challenged to getbetter.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
And you know what In the beginning?
I wish I could say we got thisright in the beginning.
No, we didn't.
This is something that we havelearned and we adopted, and so a
part of becoming someonedifferent is that you have to do
something different.
I've said it before and I'llsay it again I grew up in a home
with very dominant cousin womenwho would get you told and let
(21:43):
you have it, so I had to and Idid not, I had to.
I had to unlearn so much of thatin order to for our lives to
not be infected by the way I wasbrought up, and so I know that
some of us can say well, that'sall I know and that's all I
bring to the table.
There are too many books andthe Holy Spirit.
(22:04):
Too many podcasts, too manylives too many opportunities for
you to see a different way, foryou to continue to do things
the way you've always done them.
So in order to get somethingdifferent, you have to do
something different.
So I had to change my mindsetabout correction.
I had to change my mindset.
Gil and I were talking aboutthis.
I had to change my mindsetabout submitting to authority
(22:25):
because Gil asked me.
He said have there been timesin your walk with God where
submitting to God's authority,as far as the word of God being
the authority, hasn't been hardfor you?
I said no, my problem has beensubmitting to people that God
put in authority.
I'm fine with what the wordsays.
My issue came from unrighteousleaders or unrighteous parents,
(22:59):
and our pastor, pastor ScottHolmes.
He taught us that authority isordained by God.
So I don't have to respect theperson, I have to respect the
office, I have to respect theposition because God put it
there.
And so I mentioned that we weredoing the OBC and they gave a
great example of a little sistersaw her brother steal a cookie
and the sister said you betterput that cookie back and the
(23:21):
brother totally dismissed her.
And so then the little sistergoes to tell daddy that the
brother stole the cookie.
And he came back and said daddysaid you better put that cookie
back.
Well, guess what he did?
He said it wasn't the.
It was the same message, but itwas the origin of the authority
.
So when God says somethingversus when I tell you something
(23:45):
, it's not going to be the sameExactly, and so we have to
understand that he should haverespected because it was the
same message from the father orfrom the sister.
Sister, we have to get to theplace in our life where we're
mature and wise enough to knowthat if someone is telling you
something that is right, whetherthey say thus, saith the Lord
or not, we have to have the kindof hearts and the minds that
(24:09):
I'm going to do what is rightbecause this person is and
you're convicted, you know.
You know you know whensomething is right or wrong, and
so you have to make a decision.
Am I going to be the kind ofperson that I submit to
authority or that I listen andobey, or do I have to learn from
experience?
Speaker 1 (24:26):
So, as we're talking about embracing God's design for
marriage we thank you guys forjoining in and hanging out with
us today Put it in the chat.
Is there something about designthat you believe that God
designed for marriage andrelationships to be that should
be embraced by everybody?
Because you think about, we allhave different ways of doing
things.
We all have differentexperiences.
(24:46):
We all have different.
Life happens to all of us indifferent ways.
What has been something in yourrelationships that has been a
challenge that you have foundthat, if God said, this is how
it's supposed to work, this issomething that I'm going to
embrace in my relationship basedon how he designs, because this
is a.
(25:07):
We are followers of Christ.
This is a Christian-.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Faith-based, scripture-based, Christ-centered
, solution-oriented.
Yeah, that's our foundation.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
That's the authority that we're coming from, not just
two people that grew up on theeast side and west side of
Detroit trying to figure thingsout and how it goes, because,
lord knows, we didn't have thebest examples.
But guess what?
He has a design and a plan that, if you get into his word and
follow it, it will help you cometo fruition and come to a
(25:39):
better way and a better state.
Thanks, guys, for putting in achat.
Oh yeah, we definitely alwayswant to talk about the Lord.
Jj from Senegal, west Africa,thanks for joining us Is that JJ
or JJ.
Yeah, I think that's JJ.
Give me a thumbs up, JJ, ifthat's you still watching and
listening and hanging out withus.
So that's what we're talkingabout today Embracing.
Speaker 3 (26:00):
God's design for marriage.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
So one of the other God's design, we believe
emphasis that it puts onrelationships is your
relationship is not adestination, it is a journey.
And when we talk about journeyRenee kind of mentioned it
already a little bit it is ajourney of discovery, of two
individuals coming together tobecome what God has put you guys
(26:26):
together for, which is tomanifest his glory in the earth
to other people.
You know there are going to betimes where you are going to
struggle with differences,opinions, you're going to have
different mindsets, childhood,of origin, pain from our past.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
That's a big one.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Pain from your past or, as people like to, I would
say, one of the words of 2024, Iwould probably say I have never
heard so much is toxic, toxicbehaviors, toxic interactions,
toxic things that have happenedto you in your life, those
things that are disobedience.
What about that?
(27:05):
Well, that's well, you canelaborate on that well, I think.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
I mean I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, it's not funny
but I think that we have to makesure that we're looking at what
we, because it's so easy tolook outward and say this needs
to be done and that needs to bedone, and they need to do this
and they need to do that.
I find it to be more beneficialand to be healthier for me to
(27:29):
say what do I need to dodifferent?
What am I bringing to the table?
That's unhealthy Because thelast time I checked, there is no
scriptures in the Bible thatgive us control over other
people.
The only control God gives us isover ourselves, and so we're
always saying, lord, what do Ineed to do different?
Where do I need to grow?
And I ask you, babe, how can Ibetter serve you?
(27:53):
What are some areas where I canup my game?
How could I be a better friend,a better wife, a better lover,
a better prayer partner?
We have to be willing toexamine ourselves, but also
check in with the person thatwe're spending our life with, or
that we say we want to spendour life with, and be open to it
(28:15):
, not just being, oh, you'redoing wonderful, because that's
that's not realistic.
It's not realistic to thinkthat you're only going to be.
We'd always tell our daughterI'm going to be your biggest
cheerleader and your most honestcritic, because the only way
you're going to grow is if youlearn what's good and what needs
to change.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
And if you think about those two things, that is
not a natural interaction thatyou would naturally have in your
relationship.
To go to the other person andsay, hey, what do I need to work
on?
You know when that happens,when things are starting to get
worse, when things are startingto get bad that's when that
mindset comes up to where youwant to get better, because you
(28:55):
are trying to make corrections.
Now, when things start outthings start out good, things
start out with everybody smiling, everybody's on their best
behavior, everybody's doing theright things.
But guess what, as you've beentogether a period of time, over
time, things are going to startcoming up.
But you have to ask yourselfwhat are you going to do about
(29:16):
it?
How do you handle it If you'rea significant other or your
spouse comes to you and say, hey, babe, I think we're struggling
in this area.
It's not just a me problem,it's an us problem.
And if you embrace it from thatperspective and saying, how can
we get better at this, not justhow can you do this and how can
you not do that, then, when youput the onus on the other
(29:41):
person, just correct thebehavior without giving them any
direction and any guidelines togo by, you're setting them up
for failure.
They're not mind readers,they're not a person that can
just naturally know what's goingon.
There are times that, when youget embraced with this other
person yes, there are timeswhere you can walk into the room
and know that there's somethingwrong I always say you feel a
(30:01):
disturbance in the force.
But guess what?
Until you ask the question,you're just filling in the gaps.
You're just filling in withyour own mindset.
You're filling in how thatconversation would go.
Well, she's going to say this,well, I'm going to say that he's
going to say this and that I'mgoing to say that, but guess
what?
That's where you have tocommunicate openly and honestly
and be transparent about thethings that you're struggling
(30:24):
with or that you want to seechange, because this
relationship has to be acompromise.
It's not just one way, it's notjust Gil's way, it's not just
Renee's way.
It's something that we have topartner in together.
This is a partnership that wehave to embrace because that's
how God designed it to be, notjust a one person led driven
event that we happen to justexchange rings and, all of a
(30:47):
sudden, only one person is stilldoing all the work.
That's not how it works.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Well, it doesn't work that way, and one of the things
that we talk about is knowingthe work I think so many times
people say because Gil said thatyou know you talked about when
we first got married someonetold me you need to work on your
marriage.
Well, what is the work that youneed to be working on?
Well, you need to be working onfirst, working on you.
You need to be working inrelationship with God, you need
(31:13):
to be working on learning andlistening and becoming a student
of the other person andunderstanding that marriage is
where you go to serve, you go togive, you go to help.
And because the Bible talksabout the principles of sowing
and reaping, I am going to reapwhat I sow.
(31:34):
So if I sow love and goodness,in terms of the economy, guess
what?
I'm going to reap it back, butI'm not looking for it.
It doesn't have to be from myhusband, it could be from some
other place, and so it's notthat you're giving to get, but
when you do give, you're goingto receive, and so a lot of it
and we are talking about it thismorning, I think a lot of it is
.
(31:54):
The Bible says don't beconformed to this world but be
transformed by the renewing ofyour mind.
Our mindsets can be one of thebiggest obstacles to us really
experiencing a God designed life.
God designed for our life.
You know he says they will.
(32:14):
They will know you by your loveone for another.
They will know you by your loveone for another.
So it's not like he gave us 50things we have to do.
He really only gave a woman, awife to and a husband to.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yep, so put it in the chat.
What do you think is some ofthe most challenging areas that
people have?
Speaker 2 (32:30):
when it comes to changing.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Or that you may have when it comes to your
relationships that you continueto struggle with.
I like what Brian just said.
Too much of our society isapplying the world standards and
expectations and relationshipsand building emotional bond
instead of the God's worldprinciples and his nature for
real, tangible outcomes.
(32:51):
Very well put, Brian.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
We appreciate you and I think it's important.
Like we talk about, it'sembracing God's design.
It didn't say knowing God'sdesign.
It didn't say knowing God'sdesign.
It didn't say agreeing with God, it's embracing.
So how do you embrace somethingthat's not tangible?
Then it has to be put out thereso you can understand well,
what am I embracing, what am Isaying yes to?
(33:13):
When you say that you're goingto get married, you're saying
that I am willing to share mylife, my goals, my dreams, with
another person who is doing thesame thing.
So it's like we talked aboutthe three, three, three, four
thread three, three, three.
(33:34):
Strand cord is not easily broken, so it takes three and it's Gil
talked about it.
It's a journey, not adestination.
It's weaving and dancing, it's,you know, bending, it's being
flexible, it's all of thosethings and it's over time.
You know, I think one of thethings that I think that we
(33:55):
neglect to remember is when yousay your vows, you say for
better or for worse, in sicknessand in health, until I get
tired of them, until I change mymind, no, until death, do us
part.
So I think that when you gointo it, understanding what
you're saying yes to, who you'resaying yes to and what that's
(34:18):
going to look like.
It makes it I know.
For me, I like to make you knowand this is something I've
learned from my husband, and healways talks about what he's
taught me.
Oh, I would not be the sameperson I am without him, his
patience, his long suffering,his gentleness, his selflessness
.
Gil has taught me to be abetter thinker.
(34:39):
Gil has taught me to be slower,to speak and to think about.
What I say makes other peoplefeel.
And so in a healthyrelationship, you're both
learning from each other andyou're growing and you're being
challenged and you're beingcalled up, not out.
(35:01):
He always calls me up and Ithink sometimes we don't know
the difference between beingcalled up and called out.
When someone is calling you up,they show you what needs to be
changed and they help you comeup with a plan to it to do that.
If they're just telling you allthe things that's wrong without
providing any solutions,they're calling you out, and
(35:22):
most people respond better tobeing called up versus being
called out.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
That's an awesome point Because when you think
about that, goes back into God'sdesign for marriage and
relationships.
We are always aspiring to getbetter.
You should be always aspiringto get better.
You should be partnered in withsomeone who wants you to be
better, not someone who's tryingto tear you down or not looking
to make you better than youwere by yourself.
If you are not any better thanyou were before while you were
(35:49):
single, then when you got withsomeone whether it's a marriage
or even in a dating phase if youare not getting better even in
a dating time, then you may wantto reevaluate where is the
destination or where are wegoing or what are we using as
our gauge for this relationshipand this marriage?
You know not that one thingthat we always talked about is
(36:11):
when divorce happens.
That's that came up.
One thing that Renee and Istarted out our relationship
with is we don't even use thedivorce word or threat or ideal
or principle, because I was aproduct of divorce and that does
irreparable damage, not only toyou as individuals.
You're never going to getovercome and you're going to
(36:33):
always have that, I believe,wound from it.
You may.
It just like a scar on your arm.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
It heals you're going to have a mark from it.
You may, if just like a scar onyour arm it heals.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
You're going to have a mark from it that comes into
life, that plays into life,especially when you haven't
dealt with the causes and whatgot me to that point.
When you embrace those thingsto say how can I get better at
it?
Then that's where the realgrowth comes.
This should be the person thatis challenging you to get better
at it.
You understand that lifehappens.
(36:59):
The Bible talks about it.
God's design for people is,once you do it the first time,
it's it, it's over, it's done.
That's just the way he designedit.
But that tells you that there'sa lot of work that you should
be doing up front, in thebeginning, before you exchange
vows and rings and haveceremonies, to say I am
committing and that's what thisreally is.
(37:21):
It's a commitment not only toGod that you're making in front
of God.
You're embracing this otherperson and saying this is it.
You know so many times we talkto people and we've heard it
where they start second guessingthe partner person that they
have decided to choose or tospend the rest of their life
with.
Is it that God made a mistakeor you made the mistake, or is
(37:46):
it something that you miss?
I always say it like this isyour picker broken?
Is there something about theperson that you continually pick
that is causing you to redo itover and over and over again?
Or you have to look back atyourself and say, hey, what is
it that I keep missing?
What is it that is in me thatneeds to change so I can see
(38:07):
these things better and moreclear?
Speaker 3 (38:10):
And the thing that I love about God is that, while
God hates divorce, there aregrounds for divorce, so we're
not saying that.
We believe that you know youshould stay in relationships if
you're being abused.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
If there's physical abuse, if there's child abuse.
Speaker 3 (38:29):
We're not.
We're not saying he even has adesign.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Yeah because in the grounds of infidelity, right,
that's his design, right, andyou have a right to get divorced
.
I mean, you have to, you haveby God's design, you can go.
Speaker 3 (38:41):
Yeah, and so it's understanding that in every
decision that we make, we haveto be wise enough, we have to be
kind enough to ourselves andthe people around us to really
think things through.
And so the reason why thesingles blueprint for dating and
marriage was designed becausewhat we see is people love the
(39:03):
idea of being a bride or a groom, but not a husband and a wife,
and so we wanted to be proactiveand start working with people
in the dating stage, because bythe time you've already set a
date, it really doesn't matterwhat anyone says.
Most people are going to stilljust get married.
And so why do we need to knowall this?
(39:26):
You need to be able to.
You're talking about making alifelong commitment.
You should be willing to spendmoney and time on that before,
because it will cost you moremoney and more time later than
once you're in it, and so that'swhy we do this.
That's why this is important tous, that's why you know,
(39:46):
because we realize again thatour marriage is not just for us.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
It's for the community.
Speaker 3 (39:51):
It's for the people around us, the people that will
meet us and see us, because weare God's representative, we're
his ambassadors, we're we'rerepresenting.
You know what it looks like tofor two people to love God and
each other in a?
Not it's a covenant, not acontract, because, again I said
(40:13):
it before, a covenant is twopeople agree to love and accept
each other and grow together.
A contract is I will love youas long as you perform and you
do all the things I tell you todo.
It's more based on performance,whereas a covenant is a choice,
and so it's different.
What God gives is always goingto be better than any substitute
(40:36):
or replica that the enemy canprovide us with.
So we have to make sure that,those of us who are married, we
have a responsibility and for us, we know we are called to
really share the gospel withpeople and sharing marriage with
people, because it's what weboth love, we both enjoy it, we
both enjoy each other, we areenjoying our journey and we just
(40:58):
want to bring you along with us.
That's why we do this.
Speaker 1 (41:00):
Yep, so we enjoy hanging out with you guys.
Put it in the chat.
We thank you, brian, forchiming in, and JJ and all the
other ones who put in somethingin the chat just in exchange,
because this is something thatwe are just trying to sow seeds
into others and share with youguys, the things that we are on
our journey with.
You know this is a journey,like I said, that we're just
sharing with you where we'regoing and what we're doing and
(41:22):
inviting you along to come alongfor the ride, because y'all, if
you don't have an opportunityto, or if you don't have the
desire to want to serve and toget better and to be the best
person that you can be and bechallenged and be uncomfortable
don't get married.
(41:50):
Yeah, because when people saythis is work, it is real work.
It's not the kind of job it'snot laborious work.
It's not laborious work Likeyou go to your nine to five and
you hate and you sweat and youtoil, based on what you're doing
to earn a paycheck.
This is the kind of work thatis going to challenge you as the
individual.
Speaker 3 (42:02):
You know what it's kind of like when you work out
go to the gym.
You know you work out, it hurtsand it's uncomfortable, but
when you see your body changingyou're like, oh yeah, I like
this.
So marriage is more likeworking out than work.
Because, you know, it's like aworkout.
You actually see like, oh, Ilove it.
Look, I'm going to keep ondoing this.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
But you don't want to get up early or stay in the gym
late or do that extra rep or dothat extra time on the whatever
machine that you're doing, butwhen you see the results, the
results are when you say thejuice is worth the squeeze.
Speaker 3 (42:36):
And and again, it's not just for you and your spouse
, it's for everyone around you,it's for the community, the
world, the culture, the peoplethat are going to see you.
Because, people, the bible saysyou overcome by the blood of
the lamb and the word of yourtestimony.
Our marriages are our testimonyof our love for God.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore
healthy relationships.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Oh, god's design.
It's another thing to embraceit, and I think many of us may
know it.
But the Bible says don't justbe hearers, but to be doers.
And we always talk about how wewant to be, the how to channel.
We want to show you how to.
And we have been married thisyear.
Actually, next, this month,it'll be be 36 years.
(00:45):
We've been married and we stilllike each other and we still
date each other.
And, um, the reason why I havethis in my hand is because I
said how many of you are single?
I'm a single people hey, yay, welove you, all of our singles.
How many of you are married?
Yay, it's two of you.
(01:06):
Hallelujah, that's wonderful.
Well, I can guarantee you this,going into this message or this
lesson or this time together.
And if you have questions andif you have you want to debate
it or whatever, you're welcometo do that in the comments I can
guarantee you money back.
I can guarantee you that if yougo into marriage as one person,
(01:30):
it's really hard.
Marriage is really hard whenit's only one person doing the
job of three, because in orderfor marriage to work, you need
you, the person you marry, andGod.
And while all of these arestrong, they're so much stronger
(01:53):
.
Let me hold it together for me,babe.
I had no idea what we're doing,so I'm just going with the flow,
y'all but the bible says that athree-fold cord is not easily
broken, and so I can guaranteeyou that, if you go into what
god designed by yourself or justas two, and if you don't go
(02:15):
into it with the way goddesigned it for it to be three
people, so all of these threethings came together to make one
, so it's a lot stronger and thethreefold cord is not easily
broken.
And I know we live in a societynow where everybody thinks that
they can just know God's design,or they can change God's design
(02:40):
, or they can ignore God'sdesign, or they can ignore God's
design.
In order for something to bestrong and work the way it was
designed, you have to follow the, the owner's instructions, and
when we give our hearts to theprice, god owns us and we belong
to him, and so this is how youmake a marriage work you, your
spouse and God you know I haveto about and that's a good
(03:03):
object lesson I thought about aswe were preparing for this,
when we were just dating, and atthe time when we were dating,
god wasn't even nowhere on myradar.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
You know, I know I had, I was a, as they say, cme
believer, or Christian Christmas, Easter and Mother's Day.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Those are the only time I went to church.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Christmas, easter, christmas, cme Christmas,
mother's Day and Easter thosewere the only days that I went
to church.
Sometimes, you know, evenbefore I came to understand what
it was really all about.
And if you think about and thatkind of spilled over into the
dating relationship, when I wasdating, I was going by my own
(03:49):
standards.
I didn't know that there was adesign or even a idea of a
purpose for what dating wasreally all about, because I was
just doing it my own way.
I was just doing what I figuredwas the right way, based on
experiences, based on thingsthat I've seen and based on
things that I heard, because Ireally didn't know anything.
(04:09):
When you're starting out dating,especially at a young age, you
really are just mimicking whatyou see, or mimicking or kind of
filling in the gaps of what youthink you heard and how it
interprets into your own life,and so I was just trying to
figure it out and some thingsyou get right, some things you
get wrong.
You may have multiplerelationships in the past and
(04:31):
you're wondering what is it thatmessed up?
Or where did it go off therails or what went wrong,
whether it was you or withsomeone else.
Well, the thing that you haveto think about is there is God
has a design for everything,even when you're dating that if
you know what the design is,then you know how it is supposed
to operate and how it'ssupposed to work.
(04:51):
And that's what we're sharingwith you, because when you
embrace God's design for notjust marriage and dating, but in
relationships, they're going towork.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
And they're going to be a whole lot stronger.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Because God is going to be intertwined through
everything that you do,everything that you say and
everything that you are tryingto do in the relationship.
So you have to think about whatis it that I'm doing, what is
it that I'm trying to accomplish?
And it's not just about gettinga partner to hang out with.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
And so that you won't .
Speaker 3 (05:22):
And the thing about it in order for that to get
braided, there had to besomething that had to be done.
It didn't just happen and Goddidn't just make it happen.
God didn't create us to berobots or he created us to be
mindless.
He gave us a desire.
He said he gave us desires, hegave us all a purpose, and he
also.
We have to understand that Godgives us a mind and he wants us
(05:45):
to use our mind.
He wants us to use our will, hewants us to choose.
And he said I place before youlife and death, blessings and
curses.
Ok, gives us the answer.
He says to choose life.
And so, in this embracing God'sdesign is first the question
you have to ask yourself is theBible the final authority in
your life?
question you have to askyourself is the bible the final
(06:06):
authority in your life?
It's impossible to embracegod's design for marriage when
the bible is not the finalauthority in your life.
They're like you're talkingabout when we were dating and we
were younger.
We, we didn't grow up in church.
I got saved when I was 22, 22,23.
(06:26):
It was right before we had Eric.
23 is when I got saved and itgave my heart to Christ.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
And then I was right after that, so we were both 23.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Yeah, so we were younger, so we didn't have the
Bible and Christian values andChristian examples as our
foundation.
But when we did, when we wereexposed to and we were given the
opportunity to make a decision,we chose to make the Bible and
Christ, and all the things thatgo along with that, the
(06:57):
authority in life.
So it's a difference betweenhim being your savior and him
being your Lord.
He can't just be, he can't besavior, he has to be savior and
Lord being your lord.
He can't just be, he can't besavior at uh, he has to be
savior and lord of everything,every part of your life, every
decision, party, party, decisionmaking process.
And when you do that, it makesyour life more enjoyable.
Does that mean bad things won'thappen?
Does that mean no?
(07:18):
life is gonna happen yeah, wehave had difficulties and ups
and downs and.
But when you say to embrace his, his ways is to know what they
are, and I.
But when you say to embrace hisways is to know what they are,
and I think so.
When you say, when you thinkabout what, what the desire God
has for marriage, how would youdescribe it?
What would you say?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
I would say the first part is not kind of off of what
you're describing is acceptingthe Bible as the authority.
Because just like I was tryingto figure things out hey, mr
Tyler, every time I was tryingto figure things out it was more
like get it right, get it wrong.
But then I had to understandthat there is a better way.
But if you don't seek thebetter way, then you're just
(07:56):
going to keep reduplicating thethings over and over and over in
your life and not wondering andwondering what's going on or
what's wrong.
So I would say, even kind ofgoing into this and if you just
joined us, we're talking aboutembracing God's design for
singleness and also in marriage,as you move to marriage, if
that's your desire, the thingsthat you can do and things that
(08:16):
you can be thinking about rightnow.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
From the singles blueprint, from dating and
marriage, chapter 11.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
That's what we're doing today, today and this is
the last chapter that we'regoing to actually be doing,
because this is the last weekthat we're going to be, uh live
for this year.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
This is our last live for the year.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Y'all, we love y'all but see, we just had a squirrel
moment so sorry about that, butit kind of goes back into what
we're talking about embracinggod's design for dating and
marriage.
If you started out with a planand knowing and understanding
how God designed things to work,you're probably going to have
more success.
So the first one we're going totalk about is a little bit of
(08:55):
kind of what Renee is talkingabout.
With our example, you're asingle individual and you get
connected with another personand, having God intertwined into
it, the two shall become one.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Well, it's really the three, because God has to be,
because a lot of the things thatyou are expected to do and
expected to understand.
This morning we were doing ourdevotional.
Gil was like babe, I want to doour devotional together, and so
he's doing OBC and we love OBC.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Gil started doing that years and years and years
ago and the thing that it's anonline Bible college they have
like over oh man, it has to beover four, three, four hundred
lessons that you can do, butanyway and, and it was just
talking.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
We're talking about the authority of.
God's word, of his word, yeahyeah, and I thought it was
beautiful because I think one ofthe things that we don't
understand and maybe peopledon't talk about, marriage,
while it is beautiful and it isa gift, it is designed by God
for a purpose and it's for twopeople who have a purpose to
(09:58):
come together to fulfill God'spurpose.
So marriage is not just for us.
Marriage is for all of us.
Our responsibility when we getmarried is to say we will be
God's representative of who heis, from the feminine and from
the masculine.
And so in a marriage, we areshowing the world love and joy
(10:21):
and peace and goodness andheartache, and ups and downs and
highs and lows.
That's what we say when we saywhat do you want to get married
for?
I want to get married so that Ican show the world who God is
in my life, and while all theother things are great, but at
the end of the day, the Biblesays only what we do for Christ
(10:44):
is going to matter.
And so if you're looking atmarriage as a way, I would say
marriage is where you go toserve and to give.
Marriage is where you have tobecome selfless.
Marriage is where you learn tobe second.
And if you don't understand thatand you think marriage is just
about the wedding and thevacations and having kids and
(11:05):
buying houses and buying cars,you're going to miss out on the
most important part of it.
Because when life comes andwhen difficulty comes, if you go
into it thinking that it's justabout this other person
fulfilling all of my desires anddreams, then you're going to be
, you're going to be, you'regoing to.
It's going to.
It's going to knock you over.
(11:26):
Because, guess what?
Gil is human and he has growthareas and strengths and he has
needs and he has frailty.
And so if I'm coming to himexpecting for him to be the
answer to all of my problems andthe source of my strength, then
he's going to disappoint me andI'm going to disappoint him.
So when we go into marriageunderstanding what it's for,
(11:48):
what God designed it for, Ithink you just.
It gives you a differentperspective.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
You think about.
You're coming together as asingle individual with another
person.
In our society and in ourculture today, it's a bunch of
individualism.
It's a bunch of things thatit's all about me and what I'm
trying to accomplish and whatI'm trying to do.
Well, that is the polar oppositeof what God's design for your
relationship would be.
(12:13):
Like Renee was just describing.
Self-fulfillment is what theworld says.
Well, the opposite of that isto be selfless, where you are
looking to serve this otherindividual.
One thing that I can say aboutour relationship is I didn't
recognize some of the thingsthat I needed to work on until
God put this white haired womanin my life, because, therefore,
(12:36):
that became something that wasbecome very obvious.
Yes, you can hear it from othersources, but when you hear it
from someone that is the closestperson to you, about not just
things that you're doing wrong,I'm talking about things that
make you better than who you areby yourself, because you're not
aware of some of the thingsthat are we call them growth
(12:56):
areas that are in your life,until God puts someone in your
life to say you know what?
That's something that you maywant to look at or work on.
Well, it's a partnership.
It's a partnership ofunderstanding that.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
It didn't stop.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
No, it didn't stop yeah, okay.
I just want to make sure itdidn't stop, sorry, guys.
It's weird, it flipped the view, but that's okay.
So, like we were talking aboutso, that you have to be looking
to serve this other person andif you're not looking to serve
this other person, you're goingto have some serious challenges
when it comes to what are wetrying to do.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
What are we trying to accomplish in our lives as two
individuals that have cometogether to become one?
And I think about it.
It's like.
I know that it doesn't soundromantic and it doesn't sound
sexy and it doesn't sound fun,but those things are the
byproduct of you having a realunderstanding, because I think
about it.
Gil and I have been togetherfor 39 years.
We dated for three years beforewe got married, and so if you
(14:08):
think about it to be withsomeone that long, so how do you
keep it hot and how do you notget bored?
And how do you?
It's because you have anunderstanding of what it is.
And how do you?
It's because you have anunderstanding of what it is.
I understand that I am sharingmy life with A heir, a king.
I understand that I am calledto love and submit and serve
(14:33):
this person, this man, thisamazing gift.
I don't just look at him as myhusband, I look at him as a
co-heir.
He's my brother in Christ, heis the head.
I look at all the things thatthe Bible says about who he is,
and so it's not just the man,it's also the purpose, it's the
plan, it's the leadership, it'sthe mantle that God has put on
(14:54):
him, and so when you come intoit with that understanding, it
just makes it more enjoyable andmore fulfilling, and it gives
it longevity.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Yes.
So if you just joined us thanksfor joining, thanks for hanging
out Put it in the chat whereyou're checking it out from
where you're coming to join usfrom.
This is something we do everySaturday.
We've been doing it for alittle while now.
We try to come with you withsome planting seeds.
We're just trying to sprinklesome seeds into your
relationship, to give you somethings to think about as you're
growing in your relationshipwith another person, to give you
(15:25):
a plan, because when we werecoming up, we really didn't have
a plan.
We really didn't have an ideaof what this marriage thing was
supposed to look like, becausewe are just trying to figure it
out.
Well, when you don't figure itout, you're going to make those
mistakes that make you go, whoa,what is going on?
But if you think about, hey,this is something that I'm
(15:46):
pursuing with another person, alife mission, a life goal, and
that's another thing that we'retalking about today is about
embracing God's design formarriage.
But before you actually get tothat point, you have to
understand what is the designall about, and we're just
sharing with you some of thethings that we put about in the
book.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
The singles blueprint for dating in marriage.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
You can pick it up at your local Barnes Noble or go
to Barnes Noble online or reachout to us and we can do it
through the website and all thatstuff.
It's in the link, it's on allthe stuff that we have out there
on us and say, hey, I want thatbook.
Man, Let me check that thingout because we've been getting
(16:26):
good, good reports from thepeople who have been reading it.
But we have to warn you, wehave to warn you don't get this
book if you do not want to bechallenged.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
Yes, and that's one of the things we keep hearing.
Man, this book ain't no joke,because we believe that it is
two individuals.
You're an individual, sorelationships and even we work
with couples.
We always say this is about me,helping me to be the best
version of me and guilt to bethe best person.
So we work with couples.
(16:52):
It's not about you telling mewhat the other person is doing
wrong.
It's about you looking atyourself, because the most
important thing you can do toget prepared to spend your life
with another person is to reallyget to know and understand your
growth areas, your strengths,your highs, your lows, your
likes, your dislikes, the thingsyou need to get better at,
because a part of what sharingyour life with someone else is
(17:13):
going to do, it's going toexpose you to things about
yourself that you don't know,and so if you go into it knowing
that it's not just going to bedinner and sex, it's going to be
sometimes being told somethingthat you may not like.
It's going to be sometimesdoing things you may not like to
(17:34):
do.
Gil is really neat andorganized and I'm not, but over
the years I have learned toadopt that to the best of my
personality been.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
And so just knowing that when you make a decision to
say I'm going to spend my lifewith someone else, it's not, I'm
giving myself away, right, I'msharing my life.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
You know and that's something that we want to share
with you that if you're in arelationship with someone, every
situation, every relationshipis unique.
If we are just sharing with youthe things that we have done in
ours, that hopefully you cantake in and translate it and
morph it into something thatwill work for you.
That, when you think about yourrelationship, is you all come
(18:15):
from different backgrounds, wecome from different experiences
and those things personalities,different personalities,
different order of like.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I'm the oldest, guilt is the, the middle child.
You know, all of those thingsplay a part and so we're not
trying to give you a cookiecutter one size fit all, because
god doesn't do that.
Every marriage is different,every couple is different.
Every couple's call, everycouple's um bend, every couple's
mission is going to bedifferent.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Yeah, especially you guys.
Design is for you guys topartner in to achieve your own
goals and your visions andthings that you aspire into as
an individual.
You're not expected to justdismiss those and just throw
them to the wayside when you getwith someone or partner in with
someone for life wayside.
When you get with someone orpartner in with someone for life
, that is to help you get there.
I can think about some thingsthat Renee has helped me become
(19:05):
very instrumental, not justcareer-wise, but me as an
individual-wise.
For I think about one thatcomes to mind God's design was
for me to be emotionally healthy.
I know that's weird hearing itfrom a guy, because it's two
things that guys.
I like to say and I said itmultiple times that these two
emotions we have down pat lustand anger.
(19:26):
We don't need to express thoseany other kind of way.
We already were taught thosethings inherently that are just
in us naturally.
But when you think about, thinkabout what is it like to be
vulnerable, what is it like tobe apprehensive, have anxiety,
have vulnerability, all thoseother emotions that women have
in spades and droves that canhelp us manifest those things in
(19:46):
our lives, because you can'tbecome a healthier person.
If you're only doing lust andanger, if you're only
manifesting those two, you'regoing to have a difficulty or
have a difficult life when itcomes to partnering with another
person, to understand thecomplexity that women bring.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Yes, you always say I'm going to nick my wife.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I'm going to say that women can be very complex.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
Yes, and I know that and I agree, and I think to me
that's something you have to bewilling to be honest with
yourself about what you bring toa relationship.
Everything that I bring is notwonderful and beautiful and so
as long as I'm aware of that, sowhen he comes and tells me
something that I need to work on, I have to have enough humility
(20:33):
, grace, empathy, patience,empathy, patience, submission,
kindness, gentleness, gentleness, gentleness to say thank you,
babe.
I appreciate you for telling me.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
I'll be totally honest.
When somebody, when yourpartner, comes to you with
something that is not positive,something that you may need to
correct or need to work on, youshouldn't embrace it or
something that they need.
Something that they need.
You shouldn't look at it as apoint of contention.
We always say you should lookat it as a point of opportunity.
We believe that God embracesthis design is for you to become
(21:08):
the best person that you can be, and the way that happens is by
you being challenged to getbetter.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
And you know what In the beginning?
I wish I could say we got thisright in the beginning.
No, we didn't.
This is something that we havelearned and we adopted, and so a
part of becoming someonedifferent is that you have to do
something different.
I've said it before and I'llsay it again I grew up in a home
with very dominant cousin womenwho would get you told and let
(21:43):
you have it, so I had to and Idid not, I had to.
I had to unlearn so much of thatin order to for our lives to
not be infected by the way I wasbrought up, and so I know that
some of us can say well, that'sall I know and that's all I
bring to the table.
There are too many books andthe Holy Spirit.
(22:04):
Too many podcasts, too manylives too many opportunities for
you to see a different way, foryou to continue to do things
the way you've always done them.
So in order to get somethingdifferent, you have to do
something different.
So I had to change my mindsetabout correction.
I had to change my mindset.
Gil and I were talking aboutthis.
I had to change my mindsetabout submitting to authority
(22:25):
because Gil asked me.
He said have there been timesin your walk with God where
submitting to God's authority,as far as the word of God being
the authority, hasn't been hardfor you?
I said no, my problem has beensubmitting to people that God
put in authority.
I'm fine with what the wordsays.
My issue came from unrighteousleaders or unrighteous parents,
(22:59):
and our pastor, pastor ScottHolmes.
He taught us that authority isordained by God.
So I don't have to respect theperson, I have to respect the
office, I have to respect theposition because God put it
there.
And so I mentioned that we weredoing the OBC and they gave a
great example of a little sistersaw her brother steal a cookie
and the sister said you betterput that cookie back and the
(23:21):
brother totally dismissed her.
And so then the little sistergoes to tell daddy that the
brother stole the cookie.
And he came back and said daddysaid you better put that cookie
back.
Well, guess what he did?
He said it wasn't the.
It was the same message, but itwas the origin of the authority
.
So when God says somethingversus when I tell you something
(23:45):
, it's not going to be the sameExactly, and so we have to
understand that he should haverespected because it was the
same message from the father orfrom the sister.
Sister, we have to get to theplace in our life where we're
mature and wise enough to knowthat if someone is telling you
something that is right, whetherthey say thus, saith the Lord
or not, we have to have the kindof hearts and the minds that
(24:09):
I'm going to do what is rightbecause this person is and
you're convicted, you know.
You know you know whensomething is right or wrong, and
so you have to make a decision.
Am I going to be the kind ofperson that I submit to
authority or that I listen andobey, or do I have to learn from
experience?
Speaker 1 (24:26):
So, as we're talking about embracing God's design for
marriage we thank you guys forjoining in and hanging out with
us today Put it in the chat.
Is there something about designthat you believe that God
designed for marriage andrelationships to be that should
be embraced by everybody?
Because you think about, we allhave different ways of doing
things.
We all have differentexperiences.
(24:46):
We all have different.
Life happens to all of us indifferent ways.
What has been something in yourrelationships that has been a
challenge that you have foundthat, if God said, this is how
it's supposed to work, this issomething that I'm going to
embrace in my relationship basedon how he designs, because this
is a.
(25:07):
We are followers of Christ.
This is a Christian-.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Faith-based, scripture-based, Christ-centered
, solution-oriented.
Yeah, that's our foundation.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
That's the authority that we're coming from, not just
two people that grew up on theeast side and west side of
Detroit trying to figure thingsout and how it goes, because,
lord knows, we didn't have thebest examples.
But guess what?
He has a design and a plan that, if you get into his word and
follow it, it will help you cometo fruition and come to a
(25:39):
better way and a better state.
Thanks, guys, for putting in achat.
Oh yeah, we definitely alwayswant to talk about the Lord.
Jj from Senegal, west Africa,thanks for joining us Is that JJ
or JJ.
Yeah, I think that's JJ.
Give me a thumbs up, JJ, ifthat's you still watching and
listening and hanging out withus.
So that's what we're talkingabout today Embracing.
Speaker 3 (26:00):
God's design for marriage.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
So one of the other God's design, we believe
emphasis that it puts onrelationships is your
relationship is not adestination, it is a journey.
And when we talk about journeyRenee kind of mentioned it
already a little bit it is ajourney of discovery, of two
individuals coming together tobecome what God has put you guys
(26:26):
together for, which is tomanifest his glory in the earth
to other people.
You know there are going to betimes where you are going to
struggle with differences,opinions, you're going to have
different mindsets, childhood,of origin, pain from our past.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
That's a big one.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Pain from your past or, as people like to, I would
say, one of the words of 2024, Iwould probably say I have never
heard so much is toxic, toxicbehaviors, toxic interactions,
toxic things that have happenedto you in your life, those
things that are disobedience.
What about that?
(27:05):
Well, that's well, you canelaborate on that well, I think.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
I mean I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, it's not funny
but I think that we have to makesure that we're looking at what
we, because it's so easy tolook outward and say this needs
to be done and that needs to bedone, and they need to do this
and they need to do that.
I find it to be more beneficialand to be healthier for me to
(27:29):
say what do I need to dodifferent?
What am I bringing to the table?
That's unhealthy Because thelast time I checked, there is no
scriptures in the Bible thatgive us control over other
people.
The only control God gives us isover ourselves, and so we're
always saying, lord, what do Ineed to do different?
Where do I need to grow?
And I ask you, babe, how can Ibetter serve you?
(27:53):
What are some areas where I canup my game?
How could I be a better friend,a better wife, a better lover,
a better prayer partner?
We have to be willing toexamine ourselves, but also
check in with the person thatwe're spending our life with, or
that we say we want to spendour life with, and be open to it
(28:15):
, not just being, oh, you'redoing wonderful, because that's
that's not realistic.
It's not realistic to thinkthat you're only going to be.
We'd always tell our daughterI'm going to be your biggest
cheerleader and your most honestcritic, because the only way
you're going to grow is if youlearn what's good and what needs
to change.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
And if you think about those two things, that is
not a natural interaction thatyou would naturally have in your
relationship.
To go to the other person andsay, hey, what do I need to work
on?
You know when that happens,when things are starting to get
worse, when things are startingto get bad that's when that
mindset comes up to where youwant to get better, because you
(28:55):
are trying to make corrections.
Now, when things start outthings start out good, things
start out with everybody smiling, everybody's on their best
behavior, everybody's doing theright things.
But guess what, as you've beentogether a period of time, over
time, things are going to startcoming up.
But you have to ask yourselfwhat are you going to do about
(29:16):
it?
How do you handle it If you'rea significant other or your
spouse comes to you and say, hey, babe, I think we're struggling
in this area.
It's not just a me problem,it's an us problem.
And if you embrace it from thatperspective and saying, how can
we get better at this, not justhow can you do this and how can
you not do that, then, when youput the onus on the other
(29:41):
person, just correct thebehavior without giving them any
direction and any guidelines togo by, you're setting them up
for failure.
They're not mind readers,they're not a person that can
just naturally know what's goingon.
There are times that, when youget embraced with this other
person yes, there are timeswhere you can walk into the room
and know that there's somethingwrong I always say you feel a
(30:01):
disturbance in the force.
But guess what?
Until you ask the question,you're just filling in the gaps.
You're just filling in withyour own mindset.
You're filling in how thatconversation would go.
Well, she's going to say this,well, I'm going to say that he's
going to say this and that I'mgoing to say that, but guess
what?
That's where you have tocommunicate openly and honestly
and be transparent about thethings that you're struggling
(30:24):
with or that you want to seechange, because this
relationship has to be acompromise.
It's not just one way, it's notjust Gil's way, it's not just
Renee's way.
It's something that we have topartner in together.
This is a partnership that wehave to embrace because that's
how God designed it to be, notjust a one person led driven
event that we happen to justexchange rings and, all of a
(30:47):
sudden, only one person is stilldoing all the work.
That's not how it works.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Well, it doesn't work that way, and one of the things
that we talk about is knowingthe work I think so many times
people say because Gil said thatyou know you talked about when
we first got married someonetold me you need to work on your
marriage.
Well, what is the work that youneed to be working on?
Well, you need to be working onfirst, working on you.
You need to be working inrelationship with God, you need
(31:13):
to be working on learning andlistening and becoming a student
of the other person andunderstanding that marriage is
where you go to serve, you go togive, you go to help.
And because the Bible talksabout the principles of sowing
and reaping, I am going to reapwhat I sow.
(31:34):
So if I sow love and goodness,in terms of the economy, guess
what?
I'm going to reap it back, butI'm not looking for it.
It doesn't have to be from myhusband, it could be from some
other place, and so it's notthat you're giving to get, but
when you do give, you're goingto receive, and so a lot of it
and we are talking about it thismorning, I think a lot of it is
.
(31:54):
The Bible says don't beconformed to this world but be
transformed by the renewing ofyour mind.
Our mindsets can be one of thebiggest obstacles to us really
experiencing a God designed life.
God designed for our life.
You know he says they will.
(32:14):
They will know you by your loveone for another.
They will know you by your loveone for another.
So it's not like he gave us 50things we have to do.
He really only gave a woman, awife to and a husband to.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yep, so put it in the chat.
What do you think is some ofthe most challenging areas that
people have?
Speaker 2 (32:30):
when it comes to changing.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Or that you may have when it comes to your
relationships that you continueto struggle with.
I like what Brian just said.
Too much of our society isapplying the world standards and
expectations and relationshipsand building emotional bond
instead of the God's worldprinciples and his nature for
real, tangible outcomes.
(32:51):
Very well put, Brian.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
We appreciate you and I think it's important.
Like we talk about, it'sembracing God's design.
It didn't say knowing God'sdesign.
It didn't say knowing God'sdesign.
It didn't say agreeing with God, it's embracing.
So how do you embrace somethingthat's not tangible?
Then it has to be put out thereso you can understand well,
what am I embracing, what am Isaying yes to?
(33:13):
When you say that you're goingto get married, you're saying
that I am willing to share mylife, my goals, my dreams, with
another person who is doing thesame thing.
So it's like we talked aboutthe three, three, three, four
thread three, three, three.
(33:34):
Strand cord is not easily broken, so it takes three and it's Gil
talked about it.
It's a journey, not adestination.
It's weaving and dancing, it's,you know, bending, it's being
flexible, it's all of thosethings and it's over time.
You know, I think one of thethings that I think that we
(33:55):
neglect to remember is when yousay your vows, you say for
better or for worse, in sicknessand in health, until I get
tired of them, until I change mymind, no, until death, do us
part.
So I think that when you gointo it, understanding what
you're saying yes to, who you'resaying yes to and what that's
(34:18):
going to look like.
It makes it I know.
For me, I like to make you knowand this is something I've
learned from my husband, and healways talks about what he's
taught me.
Oh, I would not be the sameperson I am without him, his
patience, his long suffering,his gentleness, his selflessness
.
Gil has taught me to be abetter thinker.
(34:39):
Gil has taught me to be slower,to speak and to think about.
What I say makes other peoplefeel.
And so in a healthyrelationship, you're both
learning from each other andyou're growing and you're being
challenged and you're beingcalled up, not out.
(35:01):
He always calls me up and Ithink sometimes we don't know
the difference between beingcalled up and called out.
When someone is calling you up,they show you what needs to be
changed and they help you comeup with a plan to it to do that.
If they're just telling you allthe things that's wrong without
providing any solutions,they're calling you out, and
(35:22):
most people respond better tobeing called up versus being
called out.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
That's an awesome point Because when you think
about that, goes back into God'sdesign for marriage and
relationships.
We are always aspiring to getbetter.
You should be always aspiringto get better.
You should be partnered in withsomeone who wants you to be
better, not someone who's tryingto tear you down or not looking
to make you better than youwere by yourself.
If you are not any better thanyou were before while you were
(35:49):
single, then when you got withsomeone whether it's a marriage
or even in a dating phase if youare not getting better even in
a dating time, then you may wantto reevaluate where is the
destination or where are wegoing or what are we using as
our gauge for this relationshipand this marriage?
You know not that one thingthat we always talked about is
(36:11):
when divorce happens.
That's that came up.
One thing that Renee and Istarted out our relationship
with is we don't even use thedivorce word or threat or ideal
or principle, because I was aproduct of divorce and that does
irreparable damage, not only toyou as individuals.
You're never going to getovercome and you're going to
(36:33):
always have that, I believe,wound from it.
You may.
It just like a scar on your arm.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
It heals you're going to have a mark from it.
You may, if just like a scar onyour arm it heals.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
You're going to have a mark from it that comes into
life, that plays into life,especially when you haven't
dealt with the causes and whatgot me to that point.
When you embrace those thingsto say how can I get better at
it?
Then that's where the realgrowth comes.
This should be the person thatis challenging you to get better
at it.
You understand that lifehappens.
(36:59):
The Bible talks about it.
God's design for people is,once you do it the first time,
it's it, it's over, it's done.
That's just the way he designedit.
But that tells you that there'sa lot of work that you should
be doing up front, in thebeginning, before you exchange
vows and rings and haveceremonies, to say I am
committing and that's what thisreally is.
(37:21):
It's a commitment not only toGod that you're making in front
of God.
You're embracing this otherperson and saying this is it.
You know so many times we talkto people and we've heard it
where they start second guessingthe partner person that they
have decided to choose or tospend the rest of their life
with.
Is it that God made a mistakeor you made the mistake, or is
(37:46):
it something that you miss?
I always say it like this isyour picker broken?
Is there something about theperson that you continually pick
that is causing you to redo itover and over and over again?
Or you have to look back atyourself and say, hey, what is
it that I keep missing?
What is it that is in me thatneeds to change so I can see
(38:07):
these things better and moreclear?
Speaker 3 (38:10):
And the thing that I love about God is that, while
God hates divorce, there aregrounds for divorce, so we're
not saying that.
We believe that you know youshould stay in relationships if
you're being abused.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
If there's physical abuse, if there's child abuse.
Speaker 3 (38:29):
We're not.
We're not saying he even has adesign.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Yeah because in the grounds of infidelity, right,
that's his design, right, andyou have a right to get divorced
.
I mean, you have to, you haveby God's design, you can go.
Speaker 3 (38:41):
Yeah, and so it's understanding that in every
decision that we make, we haveto be wise enough, we have to be
kind enough to ourselves andthe people around us to really
think things through.
And so the reason why thesingles blueprint for dating and
marriage was designed becausewhat we see is people love the
(39:03):
idea of being a bride or a groom, but not a husband and a wife,
and so we wanted to be proactiveand start working with people
in the dating stage, because bythe time you've already set a
date, it really doesn't matterwhat anyone says.
Most people are going to stilljust get married.
And so why do we need to knowall this?
(39:26):
You need to be able to.
You're talking about making alifelong commitment.
You should be willing to spendmoney and time on that before,
because it will cost you moremoney and more time later than
once you're in it, and so that'swhy we do this.
That's why this is important tous, that's why you know,
(39:46):
because we realize again thatour marriage is not just for us.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
It's for the community.
Speaker 3 (39:51):
It's for the people around us, the people that will
meet us and see us, because weare God's representative, we're
his ambassadors, we're we'rerepresenting.
You know what it looks like tofor two people to love God and
each other in a?
Not it's a covenant, not acontract, because, again I said
(40:13):
it before, a covenant is twopeople agree to love and accept
each other and grow together.
A contract is I will love youas long as you perform and you
do all the things I tell you todo.
It's more based on performance,whereas a covenant is a choice,
and so it's different.
What God gives is always goingto be better than any substitute
(40:36):
or replica that the enemy canprovide us with.
So we have to make sure that,those of us who are married, we
have a responsibility and for us, we know we are called to
really share the gospel withpeople and sharing marriage with
people, because it's what weboth love, we both enjoy it, we
both enjoy each other, we areenjoying our journey and we just
(40:58):
want to bring you along with us.
That's why we do this.
Speaker 1 (41:00):
Yep, so we enjoy hanging out with you guys.
Put it in the chat.
We thank you, brian, forchiming in, and JJ and all the
other ones who put in somethingin the chat just in exchange,
because this is something thatwe are just trying to sow seeds
into others and share with youguys, the things that we are on
our journey with.
You know this is a journey,like I said, that we're just
sharing with you where we'regoing and what we're doing and
(41:22):
inviting you along to come alongfor the ride, because y'all, if
you don't have an opportunityto, or if you don't have the
desire to want to serve and toget better and to be the best
person that you can be and bechallenged and be uncomfortable
don't get married.
(41:50):
Yeah, because when people saythis is work, it is real work.
It's not the kind of job it'snot laborious work.
It's not laborious work Likeyou go to your nine to five and
you hate and you sweat and youtoil, based on what you're doing
to earn a paycheck.
This is the kind of work thatis going to challenge you as the
individual.
Speaker 3 (42:02):
You know what it's kind of like when you work out
go to the gym.
You know you work out, it hurtsand it's uncomfortable, but
when you see your body changingyou're like, oh yeah, I like
this.
So marriage is more likeworking out than work.
Because, you know, it's like aworkout.
You actually see like, oh, Ilove it.
Look, I'm going to keep ondoing this.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
But you don't want to get up early or stay in the gym
late or do that extra rep or dothat extra time on the whatever
machine that you're doing, butwhen you see the results, the
results are when you say thejuice is worth the squeeze.
Speaker 3 (42:36):
And and again, it's not just for you and your spouse
, it's for everyone around you,it's for the community, the
world, the culture, the peoplethat are going to see you.
Because, people, the bible saysyou overcome by the blood of
the lamb and the word of yourtestimony.
Our marriages are our testimonyof our love for God.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
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