April 22, 2024 • 37 mins
Embark on a journey with Gil and me as we unravel the tapestry of relationships, defying the conventional push towards marriage and celebrating the choice to thrive in singleness. We delve into the heart of what it means to be in a committed partnership, highlighting the noble pursuit of selfless love and the personal development that flourishes in its soil. The mirror our partners hold up can illuminate the paths we must walk for growth, and we share how the simple acts of coming home or glowing with happiness are telltale signs of relationship health.
Feel the flutter of excitement as we dissect the significance of 'getting butterflies' in your relationship, underscoring that sustaining these feelings is a testament to deliberate care and nurturing. We're candid about the inevitability of conflicts and how they serve as a crucible for personal transformation and deepened commitment. Through our shared anecdotes, we underscore the critical role of active engagement and appreciation, reminding listeners that the dance of love is a choreography of choice and gratitude.
With 35 years of marriage under our belts, Gil and I offer a beacon of guidance in the murky waters of relationship advice. We urge our listeners to seek wisdom from those who have navigated the storms and arrived at the shores of success. Celebrate with us as we reach milestones and continue to support our mission of fortifying the bonds of love and companionship. Tune in, as we draw from a well of experience to empower you with the tools to create and sustain a love that endures.
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, repair and restore
healthy relationships, thethriving marriage, because we
work at it every single day.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
One thing that we were talking about just this
afternoon, before we even gettogether and come together and
hang out with you guys for thislittle brief moment in time, is
how jaded the world is and howconfused that it seems to be
people when they're goingthrough the relationship process
, safe from dating, starting outfrom dating, to when they are
(00:49):
in the goal, or aspiring to thegoal, of ending up with a person
that they want to spend therest of their life with.
And it made me think what isthe gauge that you're using to
make your decision or determinewhere you're going to end up
with this person?
And you think about the datingstage and all the things that go
into it.
We always talk about it fromthe standpoint of marriage being
(01:11):
the end goal.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
And that may not be the end goal for everybody.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
No, it's not.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Because marriage?
Let me just say this Go ahead.
Marriage, while it is beautifuland I love it it is not for
everyone.
It is beautiful and I love itit is not for everyone.
Some people need to stay singlebecause some people are just
not called to be married andeveryone that is born is not
called to be married.
Marriage is something you haveto make, a decision that you
(01:38):
want to be selfless let's say itselfless, and that's not for
everybody.
Some people it's nothing wrongwith you deciding to be single
to live your life serving Godand the people in your life.
You don't have to be married todo that.
So we don't want to ever makeyou feel as if our whole goal is
to help you get married.
Our goal is to help you be thebest version of yourself in a
(02:02):
God-honored relationship withyou and God and maybe you and
another person.
But marriage is not foreveryone.
So don't feel like if you'resingle, if you're not married,
if you don't want to get married, that's okay.
Just know that if that'ssomething you're called to,
there's going to be a grace onyour life where you don't have
to compromise your values, yourgoals, your dreams and your
(02:24):
faith to do that that's noteverybody.
That's a small percentage ofthe world.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Even when we think about it from the context, and
that's why we're doing this.
Even when we come on live,whether it's on this platform or
the other platforms, our goalis to help people in their
relationships.
We've been married 35 years andwhat we have tried to do is to
contribute to you getting betterat the relationships that
you're in, because we didn'thave those examples of what it
(02:53):
would be like to be in amarriage.
Our main focus is marriage.
Now, the things leading up tomarriage is some of the
principles and the things thatwe talk about, whether it's on
the videos or the podcast andall that stuff are the elements
and the work that goes intobeing in a relationship, because
how many of you have heard thatmarriage is hard, marriage is
(03:13):
hard work.
Well, what is that work thatyou're actually doing?
And the work starts with you.
It starts with you as theindividual, because if you're
going to partner in withsomebody in life, then you need
to bring your A game, bring thebest person forward that you can
be, and, unfortunately, we havehad life experiences that have
(03:34):
caused us to have we don't callthem weaknesses, we call them
growth areas.
You have growth areas in yourlife that you need to be working
on, and God will put somebodyin your life that will help you
in that, if you allow it.
Now, if you get to the pointwhere I'm always looking at
Renee as this person of anadversary, or someone that is
(03:56):
trying to do me wrong, thenguess what I'm going to miss the
purpose that God put her in mylife for, because if that were
the case, then you would besquared away right now, and how
many of us are.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
And it's a journey, and it's a journey of I love.
Last week, we had theJeffersons on our episode and
they were talking about how yourmate is your mirror, and so I
always say that you can alwaystell when women are being
treated well.
You can see it in theircountenance, you can see it in
their smile, and I feel the samewith men.
(04:31):
You can tell that when men thisis how you know a man is being
treated well.
If he want to come home, let'sbe quiet for a minute.
If he don't want to come home,then you need to ask yourself
why.
And so, as for a woman, you cantell that a woman's being
treated well by her countenanceand her smile, just her overall
temperament.
But for a man, does he want tocome home?
(04:53):
And so, if they don't want tocome home, those are things that
we need to be working on.
So we really believe that it'simportant that we go backwards
and talk about dating, and let'stalk about what does dating
look like, because I believethat dating is not just for
singles.
Dating is the foundation forwhat you're going to do as a
(05:18):
couple for the rest of yourlives.
I know that that sounds weird,but guess what?
We've been married for 35 yearsand we still date each other.
You have to date.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Think about that when you were going through the
dating stage, and even if you'rein it right now, you should be
excited to be with the personthat you're with.
Do you get the butterflies, doyou get the excitement of
knowing that you're going to seethem or talk to them or be with
them or hang out with them, andwhen you are with them, do you
enjoy the time that you're withthem?
If it turns to a point to whereyou're actually trying to think
(05:52):
of things to get more excitedabout or more enjoyable when it
comes to your relationship,those are the things that you
have to start thinking what am Imissing or what is it that I
should be actually working on?
So, when you have that, thoseare the things that you want to
be focused on and thinking aboutwhen it comes to your
relationship.
When I have that time where Iit still gives me butterflies
(06:15):
that know that I get to comehome to Renee.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
I'm excited to come home to Renee.
Let's talk about whatbutterflies are.
Go ahead Because we did a videoand it's like well, what does
it mean if you don't getbutterflies?
Okay, when you say that, whatdo you mean?
Because people take that andthey think it's an emotion, they
think that it's a giddiness.
What is it when you say you getbutterflies?
Speaker 1 (06:40):
I think it's a little bit of all that I'm not talking
about it.
Where it's a little bit of allthat you know I'm not talking
about it.
Where it's this euphoricexperience that, where I'm in
denial about the status of who Iam as an individual, I'm
talking about.
This is someone that I'mexcited to see every single day.
There are times, obviously, yougo in through your relationship
.
There are times where you havemaybe be in conflict or things
(07:00):
like that.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
You mean, I'm not perfect.
No, no, no no, no, I'm notperfect.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
And guess what?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
And neither is he.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
But when I'm talking about it from the butterfly
aspect, I'm talking about theanticipation and the excitement
of seeing Renee on a regularbasis.
Every single morning everysingle morning we're talking, we
got company.
Every single morning we get up,we greet each other because,
guess what, You've been asleep,I've been asleep and I want to
start my day outright.
If you don't start your dayoutright on a positive note, I
(07:32):
try to and you do, and when youdon't, then guess what?
How do you expect the rest ofthe day to go?
Speaker 2 (07:39):
You set the tone.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
So when I say I'm excited and I get butterflies,
it's more when I'm coming home.
I look forward to coming homeafter a day of being at work in
my normal vocation to be her.
And when he comes home I'm likehi, baby.
And she act like she ain't seenme in a while, like I'm just
coming off of a deployment orsomething.
But guess what?
That's that same excitementthat you have to work at in
(08:00):
keeping in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
And it's a mindset Absolutely, Because you think
about.
We all went through that longthing.
It was like five years or threeyears, however long it was, and
there are so many people wholost, people who didn't make it.
So certain things in your lifeshould make you have a greater
sense of gratitude andappreciation.
So it's a thought, it's adecision you have to make.
It's not like it just naturallyhappens.
(08:24):
A lot of the things that wetalk to you guys about doing.
It's a choice you have todecide.
I decide that I am going to becommitted to my vows.
I decide that I am going to bea warm place for my husband to
come to.
I decide I'm going to be a safeplace for my husband to land.
(08:45):
It doesn't just happen.
You have to make a decision.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
And I think, even before you even get to the point
of vows, you have to makeconscious choices and decisions
that you're going to becommitted to this person.
If you're in a dating stage, ifyou're in conflict or you have
things that go wrong, that'snormal.
That's a normal, healthy partof being in a relationship and
understanding the dynamics oftwo individuals coming together
to create this one life together.
(09:09):
Guess what?
That is a recipe that you care.
That is an indicator that youcare about this person and that.
And you have weaknesses and youhave areas that you need to
grow in.
So, instead of looking at it assomething of antagonistic or
angry or hostility and all theemotions that go along with it,
look at it from a me standpoint,like what is it that I have
(09:30):
contributed to this issue orthis situation, or what can I do
better?
If I'm always looking at Reneeas far as being the bane of my
existence or the problem in ourrelationship, or the negativity
that comes along every timesomething comes up, if I'm
looking at her, the blamethrower, then I'm going to think
I'm perfect, or I'm going tothink she's the source, or I'm
(09:51):
not looking at.
What can I do better in therelationship.
That's not something that youwant to be.
That should not be your default.
Granted, there are things thatyour spouse or your significant
other are going to do thingswrong.
We are going to get thingswrong, but when you do get
things wrong, do you own up toit?
Do you accept accountability?
Do you own it and then come tothe other person and tell them
(10:16):
hey, I messed that up, I gotthat wrong.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
This is something that I should be focused on and
thinking about.
And we got a question and wewant to answer it, and the
question was what do you do whenthe other person in the
relationship does not want toparticipate?
My question was are you datingor are you married?
Because there's two differentanswers for that question, and
(10:41):
so you want to answer that no,go ahead.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
You can start Ladies first.
Okay.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So I will start off with so.
So I asked were they datingwhen they're married?
So let's just say if you aremarried, I'll take, I'll take
that one.
If you are married and theother person is not
participating, is that a reality?
Or is that your perception?
Because if the other person andI can say Gil and I have been
(11:06):
married for 35 years, we havebeen dating since we started
dating when we were 18.
So my example of relationshipshas been I'm grateful because
I've had a great.
I'm grateful for the marriage Ihave, I've been blessed to live
.
But I do realize that everyoneis not married to someone who is
willing to carry their weightand there are people that are in
(11:29):
relationships where they arecarrying the other person and I
can say that that can beexhausting when you are carrying
or dragging another adult.
So what do you do?
You go to them First.
(11:50):
You go to the Lord because youwant to make sure that it's not
that you're overestimating whatyou're bringing, because there
have been times in our marriagewhere I'm sure Gil carried me
and I'm sure I've carried him,but because it's not all the
time, it has not, it's neverworn me out.
But if you're in a season whereyou feel like you're doing more
than the other person, then youneed to kind of ask yourself
(12:11):
what am I focusing on?
You know, am I tired becausemaybe I'm doing too much outside
of my marriage?
Am I tired because maybe I'mfocusing too much on what they
need to do?
So I always say that therealways has to be that
self-examination when you say,well, is it me, am I really
carrying them, or do I think toomuch of myself?
(12:33):
Do I think that I'm doing more?
So a part of it is going to thislike, hey, what can I do to
make things better?
How can I serve you better?
Because that's anon-confrontational way to find
out where the other person is.
It's like, hey, what can I doto serve you better?
Because the only person thatcan tell me that I'm a good wife
is Gil, not my friends, notsocial media and not myself.
(12:57):
I can't tell myself I'm a goodwife, not social media and not
myself.
I can't tell myself I'm a goodwife.
I only know that I'm a goodwife because I have gone to the
person that I'm a wife to andlet him tell me.
So that would be what I wouldsay.
If you feel that you'recarrying the other person if
you're married.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
I would say, and what came to my mind when we read
the question this morning was isyour picker broke?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
So you're talking about if you're single.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
If you're single, is your picker broke.
And when I say that, I'mtalking about what is it that
made you first attracted to thisperson.
What was it that made you startand establish a relationship,
whether it's at the verybeginning in your dating or
you've been together for alittle while?
What was it that drew you in ormade you commit to a
relationship with this person?
We should always be thinkingabout and I thought about this
(13:46):
and also, when you're dating andwhen you're starting out, do
you know what you're looking foror what you want?
I used to have guys that workedfor me and I used to always
love asking them these questions.
I was always a little bit olderthan them.
What is the purpose of dating?
When you think back and you goall the way back, what is the
(14:08):
purpose of dating?
I believe, and from ourfoundation and what we believe
is dating, is preparation formarriage.
Yes, you can go out and have agood time with friends and you
can go do common activities andall that, but if you're actually
dating someone, this issomebody.
You're almost like a jobinterview, sizing up to saying
do I want to invest in, do Iwant to spend the rest of my
life with this person and you'regoing to be taking stock of
(14:31):
those things, those characters,those values, all the attributes
that a person has to say am Igoing to invest, do I want to go
all in with this person for therest of my life?
And if you think about it inany terms other than that, I
believe you're doing yourself adisservice because you're not
taking it serious enough as faras long-term.
What is it that you're tryingto achieve?
Speaker 2 (14:51):
And so I want to say, I want to add something to that
.
I, like I said in the beginning, I believe that dating is
something you're going to do forthe rest of your marriage.
In the beginning, I believethat dating is something you're
going to do for the rest of yourmarriage, but then I have two
parts to that One are you datinglike a wife or are you dating
like a girlfriend?
Speaker 1 (15:06):
And I'm sorry.
I'll read the question what isthe best advice that you can?
And this is probably and thereason I want to read the
question, because it kind ofgoes into what you're getting
ready to say what is the bestadvice that you can give in
terms of repairing arelationship that has had
problems?
Let's start with the first partand go ahead and finish your
statement, because it's going tolead to answering that question
(15:27):
OK and so, but is that personmarried?
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Are you talking about in marriage or are you dating?
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Because I always have to ask that, like getting back
to love, which was once inabundance.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
But are you married or are you dating and the person
in the?
But are you married or are youdating and the person in the
chat are you dating or are youmarried?
Because, again, when we'retalking to someone that's
married, there's going to be adifferent path and there's going
to be different expectationsand different requirements for
someone that is single versussomeone that is married.
(15:58):
So I'm going to answer thatquestion in there.
Then I'll come back to you andanswer that.
So the dating I believe thedating is something you're going
to do for the rest of your life.
So, are you dating like a wife?
Are you dating like agirlfriend?
You don't want to give aboyfriend wife privileges.
So if you're dating, datingokay, you're dating.
Okay, so, we'll so.
So if you're dating, datingOkay, you're dating.
(16:18):
Okay, so this would be good,okay.
So if you are dating someonebefore you date I was talking to
a friend of mine.
We're talking about this.
This is the problem with datingapps you start dating before
(16:39):
you even build a rapport.
How are you going to datesomeone?
You need to build a rapport.
So the first step of datingbefore you even decide to date
there has to be a rapport that'sbuilt.
You have to talk, you have toget to know each other.
So if it's like hi, how are youdoing, we're dating?
No, it should be hi, how areyou doing?
Let's get to know each otherbefore we go into dating.
So so I think we skip therapport.
Building part of a friendshipbefore you can have dating.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
And I would say and just looking at the comments, 17
years together, that's a lot oftime invested.
And over those timeframes,during those years of being
together, how has the investmentin each other gone?
I think it made me think aboutonce.
We were married about sevenyears I think it was and I had
(17:26):
to go on a job.
I had to leave home for aperiod of time and what had
happened was I looked at Reneeand I had the opportunity to
either accept it or decline.
It was going to take me awayfor, let's just say, three, 30
days or three months orsomething like that.
And I asked her.
I said you know what?
I told her what it was, I toldher what the job was and she was
(17:47):
like go, didn't even give it asecond thought or anything like
that.
And that kind of leads into myresponse to the part about being
together for a period of time.
We had gotten complacent, wehad taken on the roles of just
being parents just being parents, but also just taking each
other for granted.
As I look back on it, we hadtook each other for granted.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
We weren't making daily.
We tell our couples investments.
You need to make dailyinvestments in your relationship
.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
And those are the things that we were not doing.
That's why we are doing thesekinds of lives and things like
that that're sharing with you,because you have to get back to
what got you to where you arebeing together for this amount
of time.
What are those things that youdid, what are the things that he
did or she did?
Those are the things that youhave to pay especially extra
(18:33):
attention about and keep thosethings going.
Keep those things going,because the minute you stop, or
the minute you get lackadaisicalor complacent in it, that'll be
the very time where you startfiguring out wow, what's,
something is missing.
Well, the thing that is missingis the things that you used to
do.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
Right, that made your relationship.
That made your relationshipfresh.
I have a question you've beendating for 17 years yeah, that's
what it says, but go ahead.
Okay, this is me.
I'm just going to betransparent as a woman.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Assuming.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
I'm a female.
Um, so if I'm going to commitmyself to someone for that
amount of time, what's the endgoal?
What's their commitment to me?
Because I think that sometimes,when you say the love is gone,
is it that the love is gone oris it that the commitment that
(19:30):
you desire has not beenpresented.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Yes, raising two children.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Yes, and so have you guys talked about making the
commitment of marriage together,and is that a desire for you,
and is that a desire for him?
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Or if it's a her Right.
I don't know if it's a male.
I don't know who the person isin the feed.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
So do you both desire to have the same level of
commitment to each other?
Because I think sometimes whathappens is we have
uncommunicated expectations andwe'll say that the love is gone,
but really it's that ouruncommunicated expectation has
not been met and so, therefore,our feelings are following our
uncommunicated expectation.
(20:11):
So I think it's more importantthat you ask rather than
thinking about the love, becauseI know for women, we need
security, we need commitment,and so we always talk about
don't, don't address the symptom.
Get to the real root.
Do you both together?
You don't have to answer this.
You can reach out to us on theon separately, but if you both
(20:34):
desire marriage and that's notbeing brought to the table, then
it could be that that could bethe missing ingredient, and it's
not necessarily any of theother things you need to be
doing.
It's starting with the firstthing.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
And that kind of leads into, when you're in that
stage of dating, having thatcommon path that you're walking
on.
Are you guys pursuing the samedirection?
Do you have the same goals.
Are you guys pursuing the samedirection or going in the same?
Do you have the same goals?
Do you have the same point ofreference?
Speaker 2 (21:08):
that you're trying to achieve when it comes to the
relationship of saying, hey, I'mdating or we're being, and for
you, you just like us beingsharing the responsibilities
together without the commitment.
That can be a problem, and wetalk about that.
You can have differentpersonalities, you can have
(21:29):
different football teams andbasketball teams, but you have
to have the same faith and youhave to have the same end goal
for the relationship.
Those are the kind of thingsthat you need to be talking
about in the beginning stages ofgetting to know each other, and
so that could be something.
No matter how long you've beentogether, you can still always
go back to what was my intendedplan for this relationship.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
What was my goal?
That kind of leads into yourgoal and your aspirations when
you first started dating.
Was this someone that I wantedto be with, or we were on the
same path.
But go ahead, I'm reading.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
OK, he's reading the question, but I think it's
important that we understandthat before you date you should
have rapport, and I think that,unfortunately, people skip from
rapport to dating and thenthey're like, oh my gosh, we're
not even compatible.
So there are some things youshould know about yourself and
you should know about the otherperson before you decide if you
(22:27):
want to date them, because thenof course, like we say, dating
is preparation for marriage.
So before you start dating them, there are certain things you
should know about them.
So so that getting to know eachother, you know, building
rapport.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
And reading this and I just read it and if there was,
this person even chimed in thatthere were conditions, change
from a health perspective, thatweren't able to keep doing the
same things you were doing.
Well, that's the new,unfortunately.
We'll be praying for yourhealth.
That's something of a newnessin your relationship.
No, it wasn't like what it wasand it's not going to be like it
(23:01):
was, because your life and thecircumstances of your life have
changed and during those changes, it doesn't mean that it's gone
.
It just means that there arenew opportunities and new way of
looking at things that you cantake hold of and say you know
what?
This is how we are right now.
What can change?
And say you know what?
This is how we are right now.
What can change, what do wehave to do differently as a
(23:21):
collaborative team to say thisis where we're going now and
this is where we're at right now?
Speaker 2 (23:24):
And I think a part of it is when you think about when
we talk about the vows.
That's why the vows areimportant, because it's for
better or for worse in sicknessand in health.
And I think that when you gointo a relationship establishing
that you know I'm going to beat my top and I'm going to be at
my bottom.
Are you okay with that?
And so, while I don't know, I'massuming that it could be
(23:48):
physical, it could be sexual.
That's why we talk aboutemotional and spiritual intimacy
is so much more important thanjust physical intimacy, because
that part of your life is goingto change, it's going to shift,
your sex drive is going tochange, your body is going to
change.
All of those things are goingto change.
But you can't just based arelationship just on the
(24:10):
physicality of it.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
It has to be more to it than just that and just like
you're saying there, it's notreally about the commitment but
the condition of certainty,especially when it does affect
your sex life, because those arereal conditions, those are real
parts of being in arelationship with someone.
But what we've learned over theyears is we put far so much
weight on the physical activityof the sex life and not as much
(24:35):
on the physical side or theemotional side and the intimacy
side of the relationship.
That far outweighs the sexualinteraction, even though that is
important and it's beautifuland it's wonderful.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
but I think that when you don't have intimacy, you
have this false sense of lust.
It not because the thing I andI could.
I'm gonna be honest, we are 56years old, we are not 21, but do
we have an amazing sex life?
(25:08):
Do we have an amazing, umintimate life?
Yes, we do, because we built onthe intimacy and the the
physical, the emotional and thespiritual intimacy which makes
the sexual intimacy great.
Because, unfortunately, we allhave a God-side hole in our
heart and if we try to fill thatwith sex or food or money or
(25:30):
shopping or kids, it's nevergoing to be enough.
But when we fill that space inour heart with God, it puts less
of a demand on the other person.
Because while making love isbeautiful, it is a gift to
marriage.
I believe it's the mystery tomarriage, it's the gift.
It's not the only way you canconnect.
No, you have to be able toconnect emotionally and
physically and spiritually andpsychologically.
(25:53):
It's not just a physical thing.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
And that's something that I think I would say from a
men will maybe be more inclinedto struggle with.
Because we're so physical bynature, we're more attracted to
the physicality of sides ofthings and the emotional and the
intimacy side comes later, youknow, as we become more in tune
with the person and things likethat.
It's not something that I eventhought about even as we grew in
(26:16):
our relationship, where thespiritual side, the emotional
side, the intimate side, allthose things came so much later
from the physical side, and thatwas something that you can be
very instrumental in, just likeRenee was with me in helping me
to understand that it's not justabout the physical aspect of
having an amazing sex life andthose types of things, it's the
(26:38):
other things that go along withit.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Because it's important.
I'm speaking as a married woman.
For women, married women, sexis all day.
It does not start in the bed.
It starts in the morning withthe phone call and the kiss, and
so it's doing all those thingsLike we talk about.
It's what you do every day.
It's all those little thingsthat make a big difference, but
(27:01):
sometimes people don't talkabout that.
You know, I always say this andGil always, he always brushes.
There's things that you have tobe willing to do as a couple
that keep your relationship, aswe say, hot.
You know, honest, open andtransparent.
It can't just be a physicalthing, it has to be, and the
physical part, like you said,it's important, but if that's
(27:23):
the only thing, what happenswhen you know you have a baby or
if you have a health condition,and so those are the kind of
things that really put yourrelationship to the test is not
just when everything is goinggood.
I mean, we've gone through somany different stages and we've
gone through deployments andwe've gone through pregnancy,
we've gone through menopause,we've gone through we had the
(27:44):
barf and cyst.
We've gone through a lot ofstuff.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
And all that is going to affect the sex drive when it
comes to the relationship.
And so if that's all you have,then something has to change or
something is being neglected inthe relationship overall.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
And that's why your relationship with God is so
important, because if myrelationship with Gil is my only
source of intimacy, I'm goingto wear that brother out.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
And it's not physically, it's the same.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
It's the same thing with a man.
It's the same thing with a man.
If your only source of intimacyis your wife, our primary, our
first source of intimacy shouldbe with God, Because if not, our
appetite will be insatiable.
And so I think a lot of timeswe need to check well, why am I
so sexually driven?
(28:33):
Why am I so financially?
Whatever is driving us?
We have to really kind of checkand say, well, man, that's kind
of out of it's, out of control.
And so, am I spending enoughtime with God?
Am I reading?
Am I praying?
Am I spending?
Because if God doesn't fill me,I'm going to expect for Gil to
do it.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
And that's impossible .
Speaker 2 (28:52):
We cannot.
We can be a source.
I can take what God puts in meand put it into him, but Gil
can't be my source and I can'tbe his source.
So we are the recipients thatwe, our spouses, are where we go
to share what God has given us,not where we go to get our
source, our identity, our value,our purpose.
(29:12):
I don't get that from Gil and Ilove him, but I get that from
the Lord and I share what he putin me, in him.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
So we appreciate you guys hanging out with us.
With Gil and Renee, we're fromthe Rich Relationship Refuge.
For those who just joining andthose who have already been here
.
We see some people that we'refamiliar with already.
We appreciate you guys comingto hang out with us and just
share this brief moment in timethat we just like talking about
the things that matter most inrelationship, because you can
scroll through other socialmedia platforms and see some
(29:41):
ridiculous things out there thatare maybe entertaining and it
may keep your attention.
But if you're trying to build along term relationship just on
some fictional stuff that yousee for a brief moment in time,
that's going to be a bad recipefor your relationships and
that's what we're trying to dohere.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
It's just change the narrative.
We're trying to have realconversations with real adults
about real things that peoplestruggle with in marriage and
relationships, because so manytimes people are talking about
stuff and it might be, it mightbe entertaining.
That's nonsense.
And he was.
He was so annoyed.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
You know what I get annoyed, because it was
something that popped up chain,like you said, that's nonsense,
and he was.
Gil was so annoyed.
You know what?
He was so annoyed Because itwas something that popped up and
sometimes you have to be awareof what's going on in the social
media environment and whatpeople are really talking about
these internet streets y'all.
There's some, there's a lot ofhurt people out here and there's
a lot of people that got.
When you have young people whoare single and have damaged
(30:45):
relationships and have beenthrough a serial dating cycle
and then they're trying to giveadvice to other people about
doing the same thing, you maywant to be careful.
As Renee likes to say, show meyour receipts.
What are your receipts?
What are your receipts?
We got 35 years of receiptsthat we can tell you what it
takes to be in a successfulrelationship.
I can tell you what it's liketo be divorced and I understand
there are people out there whoare divorced and there's things
(31:07):
that happen and I get all that.
Well, I can't speak to that.
We'll bring you on the show andyou can talk to it.
But we have dated successfully.
We haven't been engagedsuccessfully.
We have been marriedsuccessfully.
So we can speak to that side ofthings and the things that we
share with you guys here andthis, whether it's in this
medium or the others.
That's what we're trying toinvest in your relationships the
(31:31):
things that it takes to makethem healthy, that it can be
restored, that they can berepaired, but it's going to take
work on your part.
So be careful and be mindful ofthat, because when you see,
that Stop listening to thesepeople who are single and it's
angry and bitter trying to giverelationship advice but I'm
sorry I got sidetracked.
I got sidetracked t.
I see you right there.
(31:51):
I got sidetracked because thisstuff is real, because there are
people out there talking aboutthat that have nothing positive
to say about it, because hurtingpeople hurt other people and we
believe that healed people canheal people.
Yeah, I'm trying not to getthem.
Y'all I'm trying not to getthem T.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
T we love, you, we love y'all T.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
You know this ain't me, I'm just like boy.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
No, he was annoyed y'all.
Gil was like on fire.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
He was like I said, babe, and Like I said, be like,
and it was sad because thepeople are giving advice to
younger people and let's justsay the age range is between,
let's say, 21 and 30.
And if you have been a serialdater and you've had struggles
(32:40):
with relationships, be mindfulabout who are you listening to.
Who are you going to to getcounsel from when it comes to
doing something that you want todo?
If you're in the naturalvocational world and somebody
says I can teach you how to geta million dollars and they are a
millionaire then you probablyare going to listen to them.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
But on social media we will listen to anybody
because they have followers.
And that's unfortunate.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
Yeah, but so we're telling you the things that we
have learned through trial anderror that you can avert, or
some things that you can investin and start incorporating into
your relationship that willbring you success.
We've been doing this for 18plus years, so I think we know a
little bit about it, and we gotcouples who have gone down the
dating phase and all the way tothe marriage.
(33:21):
So those are the receipts thatwe're talking about.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
Yeah, and we love serving you all.
I just want to tell you guys,today we hit 2.8 million views.
Y'all are amazing.
Yay, give yourself a hand.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
And for us, it's not about the numbers, because we
got to do this, whether it's twoof y'all or one of y'all here,
or hundreds, it doesn't matterto us.
What we are trying to do is wesaid in our mission statement
for Rich Relationship Refuge isbuild, repair and restore
healthy relationships, that'swhat we're all about, and that's
what we're trying to do andthat's why we sitting here.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
This is our date.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
We're sharing our date night part of our date
night with that.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
Yeah, but we love you guys and we know that there are
so much out there, so manyplaces you can go.
We want to continue to provideyou know we got the app.
I'm working on getting it inthe apple apple app store um,
it's already in the google umstore because we realize that
sometimes you may miss a live,you may miss our podcast, but we
want to provide you with adaily devotional, a place to
(34:21):
assess yourself, because I thinkyou should date you before you
date somebody else.
That's what the rich um ourmarriage men, marriage mentors
is about helping you to date you, because a lot of the things
that you don't realize, thatmaybe you may be the problem, it
might not be the people you'redating, and so that's why we are
creating all these ways,because if you have a safe place
(34:42):
you can go, you know, you knowit's trusted and tested.
Then you can keep going backthere.
If you have questions, thingsyou want to know, please put it
in the chat, put it in the feed.
You can send us an email athelp at rich relationship
refugecom.
That is our email help at richrelationship refugecom.
If you have questions you wantto create um, have a session
with us one-on-one.
(35:02):
We would love to do that, butwe just want to let you guys
know that if you are single andseeking marriage and engaged, we
want to provide you with a safeplace.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Or even for our married couples who are out
there.
We love our married couples whojust like invested in there.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Yeah we're going to always provide that.
But I think that people who aresingle and seeking marriage are
really we've done premaritalfor 18 years and my thing is
let's get people when they'redating, because once people are
already set a date, it's kind ofhard for them to listen to us,
yeah, and if they're alreadymarried, then and we're grateful
for the couples who are marriedthat we serve.
We love you all.
(35:46):
We love serving you all.
You.
We're here for that.
But we also want to makeourselves available to people
who are dating because I believe, prevention is worth an ounce
of cure.
So we can get you when you'redating.
You don't have to worry abouthaving you as a couple that's
divided lives on the verge ofdivorce so we appreciate you
guys hanging out with us.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
I know it went crazy fast.
I know these times go by realquick, and so we were kind of I
was ranting a little bit, wewere ranting tonight, but that's
okay, we'll have a topic foryou guys next week.
We'll have something that wewant to invest in you.
We don't know what it is yet,but we'll have something video.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Leave us comments.
Watch more of our long contenton YouTube.
We create long content becausewe want to give you more than
just 30 seconds or 15 seconds,so we try to make it at least 30
minutes.
Now remember, we're strongertogether and we love you and you
are more than enough so we'llsee you guys next Saturday thank
(36:42):
you for listening.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Thank you for your investment in time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, Rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, repair and restore
healthy relationships, thethriving marriage, because we
work at it every single day.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
One thing that we were talking about just this
afternoon, before we even gettogether and come together and
hang out with you guys for thislittle brief moment in time, is
how jaded the world is and howconfused that it seems to be
people when they're goingthrough the relationship process
, safe from dating, starting outfrom dating, to when they are
(00:49):
in the goal, or aspiring to thegoal, of ending up with a person
that they want to spend therest of their life with.
And it made me think what isthe gauge that you're using to
make your decision or determinewhere you're going to end up
with this person?
And you think about the datingstage and all the things that go
into it.
We always talk about it fromthe standpoint of marriage being
(01:11):
the end goal.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
And that may not be the end goal for everybody.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
No, it's not.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Because marriage?
Let me just say this Go ahead.
Marriage, while it is beautifuland I love it it is not for
everyone.
It is beautiful and I love itit is not for everyone.
Some people need to stay singlebecause some people are just
not called to be married andeveryone that is born is not
called to be married.
Marriage is something you haveto make, a decision that you
(01:38):
want to be selfless let's say itselfless, and that's not for
everybody.
Some people it's nothing wrongwith you deciding to be single
to live your life serving Godand the people in your life.
You don't have to be married todo that.
So we don't want to ever makeyou feel as if our whole goal is
to help you get married.
Our goal is to help you be thebest version of yourself in a
(02:02):
God-honored relationship withyou and God and maybe you and
another person.
But marriage is not foreveryone.
So don't feel like if you'resingle, if you're not married,
if you don't want to get married, that's okay.
Just know that if that'ssomething you're called to,
there's going to be a grace onyour life where you don't have
to compromise your values, yourgoals, your dreams and your
(02:24):
faith to do that that's noteverybody.
That's a small percentage ofthe world.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Even when we think about it from the context, and
that's why we're doing this.
Even when we come on live,whether it's on this platform or
the other platforms, our goalis to help people in their
relationships.
We've been married 35 years andwhat we have tried to do is to
contribute to you getting betterat the relationships that
you're in, because we didn'thave those examples of what it
(02:53):
would be like to be in amarriage.
Our main focus is marriage.
Now, the things leading up tomarriage is some of the
principles and the things thatwe talk about, whether it's on
the videos or the podcast andall that stuff are the elements
and the work that goes intobeing in a relationship, because
how many of you have heard thatmarriage is hard, marriage is
(03:13):
hard work.
Well, what is that work thatyou're actually doing?
And the work starts with you.
It starts with you as theindividual, because if you're
going to partner in withsomebody in life, then you need
to bring your A game, bring thebest person forward that you can
be, and, unfortunately, we havehad life experiences that have
(03:34):
caused us to have we don't callthem weaknesses, we call them
growth areas.
You have growth areas in yourlife that you need to be working
on, and God will put somebodyin your life that will help you
in that, if you allow it.
Now, if you get to the pointwhere I'm always looking at
Renee as this person of anadversary, or someone that is
(03:56):
trying to do me wrong, thenguess what I'm going to miss the
purpose that God put her in mylife for, because if that were
the case, then you would besquared away right now, and how
many of us are.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
And it's a journey, and it's a journey of I love.
Last week, we had theJeffersons on our episode and
they were talking about how yourmate is your mirror, and so I
always say that you can alwaystell when women are being
treated well.
You can see it in theircountenance, you can see it in
their smile, and I feel the samewith men.
(04:31):
You can tell that when men thisis how you know a man is being
treated well.
If he want to come home, let'sbe quiet for a minute.
If he don't want to come home,then you need to ask yourself
why.
And so, as for a woman, you cantell that a woman's being
treated well by her countenanceand her smile, just her overall
temperament.
But for a man, does he want tocome home?
(04:53):
And so, if they don't want tocome home, those are things that
we need to be working on.
So we really believe that it'simportant that we go backwards
and talk about dating, and let'stalk about what does dating
look like, because I believethat dating is not just for
singles.
Dating is the foundation forwhat you're going to do as a
(05:18):
couple for the rest of yourlives.
I know that that sounds weird,but guess what?
We've been married for 35 yearsand we still date each other.
You have to date.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Think about that when you were going through the
dating stage, and even if you'rein it right now, you should be
excited to be with the personthat you're with.
Do you get the butterflies, doyou get the excitement of
knowing that you're going to seethem or talk to them or be with
them or hang out with them, andwhen you are with them, do you
enjoy the time that you're withthem?
If it turns to a point to whereyou're actually trying to think
(05:52):
of things to get more excitedabout or more enjoyable when it
comes to your relationship,those are the things that you
have to start thinking what am Imissing or what is it that I
should be actually working on?
So, when you have that, thoseare the things that you want to
be focused on and thinking aboutwhen it comes to your
relationship.
When I have that time where Iit still gives me butterflies
(06:15):
that know that I get to comehome to Renee.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
I'm excited to come home to Renee.
Let's talk about whatbutterflies are.
Go ahead Because we did a videoand it's like well, what does
it mean if you don't getbutterflies?
Okay, when you say that, whatdo you mean?
Because people take that andthey think it's an emotion, they
think that it's a giddiness.
What is it when you say you getbutterflies?
Speaker 1 (06:40):
I think it's a little bit of all that I'm not talking
about it.
Where it's a little bit of allthat you know I'm not talking
about it.
Where it's this euphoricexperience that, where I'm in
denial about the status of who Iam as an individual, I'm
talking about.
This is someone that I'mexcited to see every single day.
There are times, obviously, yougo in through your relationship
.
There are times where you havemaybe be in conflict or things
(07:00):
like that.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
You mean, I'm not perfect.
No, no, no no, no, I'm notperfect.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
And guess what?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
And neither is he.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
But when I'm talking about it from the butterfly
aspect, I'm talking about theanticipation and the excitement
of seeing Renee on a regularbasis.
Every single morning everysingle morning we're talking, we
got company.
Every single morning we get up,we greet each other because,
guess what, You've been asleep,I've been asleep and I want to
start my day outright.
If you don't start your dayoutright on a positive note, I
(07:32):
try to and you do, and when youdon't, then guess what?
How do you expect the rest ofthe day to go?
Speaker 2 (07:39):
You set the tone.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
So when I say I'm excited and I get butterflies,
it's more when I'm coming home.
I look forward to coming homeafter a day of being at work in
my normal vocation to be her.
And when he comes home I'm likehi, baby.
And she act like she ain't seenme in a while, like I'm just
coming off of a deployment orsomething.
But guess what?
That's that same excitementthat you have to work at in
(08:00):
keeping in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
And it's a mindset Absolutely, Because you think
about.
We all went through that longthing.
It was like five years or threeyears, however long it was, and
there are so many people wholost, people who didn't make it.
So certain things in your lifeshould make you have a greater
sense of gratitude andappreciation.
So it's a thought, it's adecision you have to make.
It's not like it just naturallyhappens.
(08:24):
A lot of the things that wetalk to you guys about doing.
It's a choice you have todecide.
I decide that I am going to becommitted to my vows.
I decide that I am going to bea warm place for my husband to
come to.
I decide I'm going to be a safeplace for my husband to land.
(08:45):
It doesn't just happen.
You have to make a decision.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
And I think, even before you even get to the point
of vows, you have to makeconscious choices and decisions
that you're going to becommitted to this person.
If you're in a dating stage, ifyou're in conflict or you have
things that go wrong, that'snormal.
That's a normal, healthy partof being in a relationship and
understanding the dynamics oftwo individuals coming together
to create this one life together.
(09:09):
Guess what?
That is a recipe that you care.
That is an indicator that youcare about this person and that.
And you have weaknesses and youhave areas that you need to
grow in.
So, instead of looking at it assomething of antagonistic or
angry or hostility and all theemotions that go along with it,
look at it from a me standpoint,like what is it that I have
(09:30):
contributed to this issue orthis situation, or what can I do
better?
If I'm always looking at Reneeas far as being the bane of my
existence or the problem in ourrelationship, or the negativity
that comes along every timesomething comes up, if I'm
looking at her, the blamethrower, then I'm going to think
I'm perfect, or I'm going tothink she's the source, or I'm
(09:51):
not looking at.
What can I do better in therelationship.
That's not something that youwant to be.
That should not be your default.
Granted, there are things thatyour spouse or your significant
other are going to do thingswrong.
We are going to get thingswrong, but when you do get
things wrong, do you own up toit?
Do you accept accountability?
Do you own it and then come tothe other person and tell them
(10:16):
hey, I messed that up, I gotthat wrong.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
This is something that I should be focused on and
thinking about.
And we got a question and wewant to answer it, and the
question was what do you do whenthe other person in the
relationship does not want toparticipate?
My question was are you datingor are you married?
Because there's two differentanswers for that question, and
(10:41):
so you want to answer that no,go ahead.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
You can start Ladies first.
Okay.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So I will start off with so.
So I asked were they datingwhen they're married?
So let's just say if you aremarried, I'll take, I'll take
that one.
If you are married and theother person is not
participating, is that a reality?
Or is that your perception?
Because if the other person andI can say Gil and I have been
(11:06):
married for 35 years, we havebeen dating since we started
dating when we were 18.
So my example of relationshipshas been I'm grateful because
I've had a great.
I'm grateful for the marriage Ihave, I've been blessed to live
.
But I do realize that everyoneis not married to someone who is
willing to carry their weightand there are people that are in
(11:29):
relationships where they arecarrying the other person and I
can say that that can beexhausting when you are carrying
or dragging another adult.
So what do you do?
You go to them First.
(11:50):
You go to the Lord because youwant to make sure that it's not
that you're overestimating whatyou're bringing, because there
have been times in our marriagewhere I'm sure Gil carried me
and I'm sure I've carried him,but because it's not all the
time, it has not, it's neverworn me out.
But if you're in a season whereyou feel like you're doing more
than the other person, then youneed to kind of ask yourself
(12:11):
what am I focusing on?
You know, am I tired becausemaybe I'm doing too much outside
of my marriage?
Am I tired because maybe I'mfocusing too much on what they
need to do?
So I always say that therealways has to be that
self-examination when you say,well, is it me, am I really
carrying them, or do I think toomuch of myself?
(12:33):
Do I think that I'm doing more?
So a part of it is going to thislike, hey, what can I do to
make things better?
How can I serve you better?
Because that's anon-confrontational way to find
out where the other person is.
It's like, hey, what can I doto serve you better?
Because the only person thatcan tell me that I'm a good wife
is Gil, not my friends, notsocial media and not myself.
(12:57):
I can't tell myself I'm a goodwife, not social media and not
myself.
I can't tell myself I'm a goodwife.
I only know that I'm a goodwife because I have gone to the
person that I'm a wife to andlet him tell me.
So that would be what I wouldsay.
If you feel that you'recarrying the other person if
you're married.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
I would say, and what came to my mind when we read
the question this morning was isyour picker broke?
Speaker 2 (13:19):
So you're talking about if you're single.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
If you're single, is your picker broke.
And when I say that, I'mtalking about what is it that
made you first attracted to thisperson.
What was it that made you startand establish a relationship,
whether it's at the verybeginning in your dating or
you've been together for alittle while?
What was it that drew you in ormade you commit to a
relationship with this person?
We should always be thinkingabout and I thought about this
(13:46):
and also, when you're dating andwhen you're starting out, do
you know what you're looking foror what you want?
I used to have guys that workedfor me and I used to always
love asking them these questions.
I was always a little bit olderthan them.
What is the purpose of dating?
When you think back and you goall the way back, what is the
(14:08):
purpose of dating?
I believe, and from ourfoundation and what we believe
is dating, is preparation formarriage.
Yes, you can go out and have agood time with friends and you
can go do common activities andall that, but if you're actually
dating someone, this issomebody.
You're almost like a jobinterview, sizing up to saying
do I want to invest in, do Iwant to spend the rest of my
life with this person and you'regoing to be taking stock of
(14:31):
those things, those characters,those values, all the attributes
that a person has to say am Igoing to invest, do I want to go
all in with this person for therest of my life?
And if you think about it inany terms other than that, I
believe you're doing yourself adisservice because you're not
taking it serious enough as faras long-term.
What is it that you're tryingto achieve?
Speaker 2 (14:51):
And so I want to say, I want to add something to that
.
I, like I said in the beginning, I believe that dating is
something you're going to do forthe rest of your marriage.
In the beginning, I believethat dating is something you're
going to do for the rest of yourmarriage, but then I have two
parts to that One are you datinglike a wife or are you dating
like a girlfriend?
Speaker 1 (15:06):
And I'm sorry.
I'll read the question what isthe best advice that you can?
And this is probably and thereason I want to read the
question, because it kind ofgoes into what you're getting
ready to say what is the bestadvice that you can give in
terms of repairing arelationship that has had
problems?
Let's start with the first partand go ahead and finish your
statement, because it's going tolead to answering that question
(15:27):
OK and so, but is that personmarried?
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Are you talking about in marriage or are you dating?
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Because I always have to ask that, like getting back
to love, which was once inabundance.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
But are you married or are you dating and the person
in the?
But are you married or are youdating and the person in the
chat are you dating or are youmarried?
Because, again, when we'retalking to someone that's
married, there's going to be adifferent path and there's going
to be different expectationsand different requirements for
someone that is single versussomeone that is married.
(15:58):
So I'm going to answer thatquestion in there.
Then I'll come back to you andanswer that.
So the dating I believe thedating is something you're going
to do for the rest of your life.
So, are you dating like a wife?
Are you dating like agirlfriend?
You don't want to give aboyfriend wife privileges.
So if you're dating, datingokay, you're dating.
Okay, so, we'll so.
So if you're dating, datingOkay, you're dating.
(16:18):
Okay, so this would be good,okay.
So if you are dating someonebefore you date I was talking to
a friend of mine.
We're talking about this.
This is the problem with datingapps you start dating before
(16:39):
you even build a rapport.
How are you going to datesomeone?
You need to build a rapport.
So the first step of datingbefore you even decide to date
there has to be a rapport that'sbuilt.
You have to talk, you have toget to know each other.
So if it's like hi, how are youdoing, we're dating?
No, it should be hi, how areyou doing?
Let's get to know each otherbefore we go into dating.
So so I think we skip therapport.
Building part of a friendshipbefore you can have dating.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
And I would say and just looking at the comments, 17
years together, that's a lot oftime invested.
And over those timeframes,during those years of being
together, how has the investmentin each other gone?
I think it made me think aboutonce.
We were married about sevenyears I think it was and I had
(17:26):
to go on a job.
I had to leave home for aperiod of time and what had
happened was I looked at Reneeand I had the opportunity to
either accept it or decline.
It was going to take me awayfor, let's just say, three, 30
days or three months orsomething like that.
And I asked her.
I said you know what?
I told her what it was, I toldher what the job was and she was
(17:47):
like go, didn't even give it asecond thought or anything like
that.
And that kind of leads into myresponse to the part about being
together for a period of time.
We had gotten complacent, wehad taken on the roles of just
being parents just being parents, but also just taking each
other for granted.
As I look back on it, we hadtook each other for granted.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
We weren't making daily.
We tell our couples investments.
You need to make dailyinvestments in your relationship
.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
And those are the things that we were not doing.
That's why we are doing thesekinds of lives and things like
that that're sharing with you,because you have to get back to
what got you to where you arebeing together for this amount
of time.
What are those things that youdid, what are the things that he
did or she did?
Those are the things that youhave to pay especially extra
(18:33):
attention about and keep thosethings going.
Keep those things going,because the minute you stop, or
the minute you get lackadaisicalor complacent in it, that'll be
the very time where you startfiguring out wow, what's,
something is missing.
Well, the thing that is missingis the things that you used to
do.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
Right, that made your relationship.
That made your relationshipfresh.
I have a question you've beendating for 17 years yeah, that's
what it says, but go ahead.
Okay, this is me.
I'm just going to betransparent as a woman.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Assuming.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
I'm a female.
Um, so if I'm going to commitmyself to someone for that
amount of time, what's the endgoal?
What's their commitment to me?
Because I think that sometimes,when you say the love is gone,
is it that the love is gone oris it that the commitment that
(19:30):
you desire has not beenpresented.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Yes, raising two children.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Yes, and so have you guys talked about making the
commitment of marriage together,and is that a desire for you,
and is that a desire for him?
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Or if it's a her Right.
I don't know if it's a male.
I don't know who the person isin the feed.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
So do you both desire to have the same level of
commitment to each other?
Because I think sometimes whathappens is we have
uncommunicated expectations andwe'll say that the love is gone,
but really it's that ouruncommunicated expectation has
not been met and so, therefore,our feelings are following our
uncommunicated expectation.
(20:11):
So I think it's more importantthat you ask rather than
thinking about the love, becauseI know for women, we need
security, we need commitment,and so we always talk about
don't, don't address the symptom.
Get to the real root.
Do you both together?
You don't have to answer this.
You can reach out to us on theon separately, but if you both
(20:34):
desire marriage and that's notbeing brought to the table, then
it could be that that could bethe missing ingredient, and it's
not necessarily any of theother things you need to be
doing.
It's starting with the firstthing.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
And that kind of leads into, when you're in that
stage of dating, having thatcommon path that you're walking
on.
Are you guys pursuing the samedirection?
Do you have the same goals.
Are you guys pursuing the samedirection or going in the same?
Do you have the same goals?
Do you have the same point ofreference?
Speaker 2 (21:08):
that you're trying to achieve when it comes to the
relationship of saying, hey, I'mdating or we're being, and for
you, you just like us beingsharing the responsibilities
together without the commitment.
That can be a problem, and wetalk about that.
You can have differentpersonalities, you can have
(21:29):
different football teams andbasketball teams, but you have
to have the same faith and youhave to have the same end goal
for the relationship.
Those are the kind of thingsthat you need to be talking
about in the beginning stages ofgetting to know each other, and
so that could be something.
No matter how long you've beentogether, you can still always
go back to what was my intendedplan for this relationship.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
What was my goal?
That kind of leads into yourgoal and your aspirations when
you first started dating.
Was this someone that I wantedto be with, or we were on the
same path.
But go ahead, I'm reading.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
OK, he's reading the question, but I think it's
important that we understandthat before you date you should
have rapport, and I think that,unfortunately, people skip from
rapport to dating and thenthey're like, oh my gosh, we're
not even compatible.
So there are some things youshould know about yourself and
you should know about the otherperson before you decide if you
(22:27):
want to date them, because thenof course, like we say, dating
is preparation for marriage.
So before you start dating them, there are certain things you
should know about them.
So so that getting to know eachother, you know, building
rapport.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
And reading this and I just read it and if there was,
this person even chimed in thatthere were conditions, change
from a health perspective, thatweren't able to keep doing the
same things you were doing.
Well, that's the new,unfortunately.
We'll be praying for yourhealth.
That's something of a newnessin your relationship.
No, it wasn't like what it wasand it's not going to be like it
(23:01):
was, because your life and thecircumstances of your life have
changed and during those changes, it doesn't mean that it's gone
.
It just means that there arenew opportunities and new way of
looking at things that you cantake hold of and say you know
what?
This is how we are right now.
What can change?
And say you know what?
This is how we are right now.
What can change, what do wehave to do differently as a
(23:21):
collaborative team to say thisis where we're going now and
this is where we're at right now?
Speaker 2 (23:24):
And I think a part of it is when you think about when
we talk about the vows.
That's why the vows areimportant, because it's for
better or for worse in sicknessand in health.
And I think that when you gointo a relationship establishing
that you know I'm going to beat my top and I'm going to be at
my bottom.
Are you okay with that?
And so, while I don't know, I'massuming that it could be
(23:48):
physical, it could be sexual.
That's why we talk aboutemotional and spiritual intimacy
is so much more important thanjust physical intimacy, because
that part of your life is goingto change, it's going to shift,
your sex drive is going tochange, your body is going to
change.
All of those things are goingto change.
But you can't just based arelationship just on the
(24:10):
physicality of it.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
It has to be more to it than just that and just like
you're saying there, it's notreally about the commitment but
the condition of certainty,especially when it does affect
your sex life, because those arereal conditions, those are real
parts of being in arelationship with someone.
But what we've learned over theyears is we put far so much
weight on the physical activityof the sex life and not as much
(24:35):
on the physical side or theemotional side and the intimacy
side of the relationship.
That far outweighs the sexualinteraction, even though that is
important and it's beautifuland it's wonderful.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
but I think that when you don't have intimacy, you
have this false sense of lust.
It not because the thing I andI could.
I'm gonna be honest, we are 56years old, we are not 21, but do
we have an amazing sex life?
(25:08):
Do we have an amazing, umintimate life?
Yes, we do, because we built onthe intimacy and the the
physical, the emotional and thespiritual intimacy which makes
the sexual intimacy great.
Because, unfortunately, we allhave a God-side hole in our
heart and if we try to fill thatwith sex or food or money or
(25:30):
shopping or kids, it's nevergoing to be enough.
But when we fill that space inour heart with God, it puts less
of a demand on the other person.
Because while making love isbeautiful, it is a gift to
marriage.
I believe it's the mystery tomarriage, it's the gift.
It's not the only way you canconnect.
No, you have to be able toconnect emotionally and
physically and spiritually andpsychologically.
(25:53):
It's not just a physical thing.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
And that's something that I think I would say from a
men will maybe be more inclinedto struggle with.
Because we're so physical bynature, we're more attracted to
the physicality of sides ofthings and the emotional and the
intimacy side comes later, youknow, as we become more in tune
with the person and things likethat.
It's not something that I eventhought about even as we grew in
(26:16):
our relationship, where thespiritual side, the emotional
side, the intimate side, allthose things came so much later
from the physical side, and thatwas something that you can be
very instrumental in, just likeRenee was with me in helping me
to understand that it's not justabout the physical aspect of
having an amazing sex life andthose types of things, it's the
(26:38):
other things that go along withit.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Because it's important.
I'm speaking as a married woman.
For women, married women, sexis all day.
It does not start in the bed.
It starts in the morning withthe phone call and the kiss, and
so it's doing all those thingsLike we talk about.
It's what you do every day.
It's all those little thingsthat make a big difference, but
(27:01):
sometimes people don't talkabout that.
You know, I always say this andGil always, he always brushes.
There's things that you have tobe willing to do as a couple
that keep your relationship, aswe say, hot.
You know, honest, open andtransparent.
It can't just be a physicalthing, it has to be, and the
physical part, like you said,it's important, but if that's
(27:23):
the only thing, what happenswhen you know you have a baby or
if you have a health condition,and so those are the kind of
things that really put yourrelationship to the test is not
just when everything is goinggood.
I mean, we've gone through somany different stages and we've
gone through deployments andwe've gone through pregnancy,
we've gone through menopause,we've gone through we had the
(27:44):
barf and cyst.
We've gone through a lot ofstuff.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
And all that is going to affect the sex drive when it
comes to the relationship.
And so if that's all you have,then something has to change or
something is being neglected inthe relationship overall.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
And that's why your relationship with God is so
important, because if myrelationship with Gil is my only
source of intimacy, I'm goingto wear that brother out.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
And it's not physically, it's the same.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
It's the same thing with a man.
It's the same thing with a man.
If your only source of intimacyis your wife, our primary, our
first source of intimacy shouldbe with God, Because if not, our
appetite will be insatiable.
And so I think a lot of timeswe need to check well, why am I
so sexually driven?
(28:33):
Why am I so financially?
Whatever is driving us?
We have to really kind of checkand say, well, man, that's kind
of out of it's, out of control.
And so, am I spending enoughtime with God?
Am I reading?
Am I praying?
Am I spending?
Because if God doesn't fill me,I'm going to expect for Gil to
do it.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
And that's impossible .
Speaker 2 (28:52):
We cannot.
We can be a source.
I can take what God puts in meand put it into him, but Gil
can't be my source and I can'tbe his source.
So we are the recipients thatwe, our spouses, are where we go
to share what God has given us,not where we go to get our
source, our identity, our value,our purpose.
(29:12):
I don't get that from Gil and Ilove him, but I get that from
the Lord and I share what he putin me, in him.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
So we appreciate you guys hanging out with us.
With Gil and Renee, we're fromthe Rich Relationship Refuge.
For those who just joining andthose who have already been here
.
We see some people that we'refamiliar with already.
We appreciate you guys comingto hang out with us and just
share this brief moment in timethat we just like talking about
the things that matter most inrelationship, because you can
scroll through other socialmedia platforms and see some
(29:41):
ridiculous things out there thatare maybe entertaining and it
may keep your attention.
But if you're trying to build along term relationship just on
some fictional stuff that yousee for a brief moment in time,
that's going to be a bad recipefor your relationships and
that's what we're trying to dohere.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
It's just change the narrative.
We're trying to have realconversations with real adults
about real things that peoplestruggle with in marriage and
relationships, because so manytimes people are talking about
stuff and it might be, it mightbe entertaining.
That's nonsense.
And he was.
He was so annoyed.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
You know what I get annoyed, because it was
something that popped up chain,like you said, that's nonsense,
and he was.
Gil was so annoyed.
You know what?
He was so annoyed Because itwas something that popped up and
sometimes you have to be awareof what's going on in the social
media environment and whatpeople are really talking about
these internet streets y'all.
There's some, there's a lot ofhurt people out here and there's
a lot of people that got.
When you have young people whoare single and have damaged
(30:45):
relationships and have beenthrough a serial dating cycle
and then they're trying to giveadvice to other people about
doing the same thing, you maywant to be careful.
As Renee likes to say, show meyour receipts.
What are your receipts?
What are your receipts?
We got 35 years of receiptsthat we can tell you what it
takes to be in a successfulrelationship.
I can tell you what it's liketo be divorced and I understand
there are people out there whoare divorced and there's things
(31:07):
that happen and I get all that.
Well, I can't speak to that.
We'll bring you on the show andyou can talk to it.
But we have dated successfully.
We haven't been engagedsuccessfully.
We have been marriedsuccessfully.
So we can speak to that side ofthings and the things that we
share with you guys here andthis, whether it's in this
medium or the others.
That's what we're trying toinvest in your relationships the
(31:31):
things that it takes to makethem healthy, that it can be
restored, that they can berepaired, but it's going to take
work on your part.
So be careful and be mindful ofthat, because when you see,
that Stop listening to thesepeople who are single and it's
angry and bitter trying to giverelationship advice but I'm
sorry I got sidetracked.
I got sidetracked t.
I see you right there.
(31:51):
I got sidetracked because thisstuff is real, because there are
people out there talking aboutthat that have nothing positive
to say about it, because hurtingpeople hurt other people and we
believe that healed people canheal people.
Yeah, I'm trying not to getthem.
Y'all I'm trying not to getthem T.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
T we love, you, we love y'all T.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
You know this ain't me, I'm just like boy.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
No, he was annoyed y'all.
Gil was like on fire.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
He was like I said, babe, and Like I said, be like,
and it was sad because thepeople are giving advice to
younger people and let's justsay the age range is between,
let's say, 21 and 30.
And if you have been a serialdater and you've had struggles
(32:40):
with relationships, be mindfulabout who are you listening to.
Who are you going to to getcounsel from when it comes to
doing something that you want todo?
If you're in the naturalvocational world and somebody
says I can teach you how to geta million dollars and they are a
millionaire then you probablyare going to listen to them.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
But on social media we will listen to anybody
because they have followers.
And that's unfortunate.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
Yeah, but so we're telling you the things that we
have learned through trial anderror that you can avert, or
some things that you can investin and start incorporating into
your relationship that willbring you success.
We've been doing this for 18plus years, so I think we know a
little bit about it, and we gotcouples who have gone down the
dating phase and all the way tothe marriage.
(33:21):
So those are the receipts thatwe're talking about.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
Yeah, and we love serving you all.
I just want to tell you guys,today we hit 2.8 million views.
Y'all are amazing.
Yay, give yourself a hand.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
And for us, it's not about the numbers, because we
got to do this, whether it's twoof y'all or one of y'all here,
or hundreds, it doesn't matterto us.
What we are trying to do is wesaid in our mission statement
for Rich Relationship Refuge isbuild, repair and restore
healthy relationships, that'swhat we're all about, and that's
what we're trying to do andthat's why we sitting here.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
This is our date.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
We're sharing our date night part of our date
night with that.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
Yeah, but we love you guys and we know that there are
so much out there, so manyplaces you can go.
We want to continue to provideyou know we got the app.
I'm working on getting it inthe apple apple app store um,
it's already in the google umstore because we realize that
sometimes you may miss a live,you may miss our podcast, but we
want to provide you with adaily devotional, a place to
(34:21):
assess yourself, because I thinkyou should date you before you
date somebody else.
That's what the rich um ourmarriage men, marriage mentors
is about helping you to date you, because a lot of the things
that you don't realize, thatmaybe you may be the problem, it
might not be the people you'redating, and so that's why we are
creating all these ways,because if you have a safe place
(34:42):
you can go, you know, you knowit's trusted and tested.
Then you can keep going backthere.
If you have questions, thingsyou want to know, please put it
in the chat, put it in the feed.
You can send us an email athelp at rich relationship
refugecom.
That is our email help at richrelationship refugecom.
If you have questions you wantto create um, have a session
with us one-on-one.
(35:02):
We would love to do that, butwe just want to let you guys
know that if you are single andseeking marriage and engaged, we
want to provide you with a safeplace.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Or even for our married couples who are out
there.
We love our married couples whojust like invested in there.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Yeah we're going to always provide that.
But I think that people who aresingle and seeking marriage are
really we've done premaritalfor 18 years and my thing is
let's get people when they'redating, because once people are
already set a date, it's kind ofhard for them to listen to us,
yeah, and if they're alreadymarried, then and we're grateful
for the couples who are marriedthat we serve.
We love you all.
(35:46):
We love serving you all.
You.
We're here for that.
But we also want to makeourselves available to people
who are dating because I believe, prevention is worth an ounce
of cure.
So we can get you when you'redating.
You don't have to worry abouthaving you as a couple that's
divided lives on the verge ofdivorce so we appreciate you
guys hanging out with us.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
I know it went crazy fast.
I know these times go by realquick, and so we were kind of I
was ranting a little bit, wewere ranting tonight, but that's
okay, we'll have a topic foryou guys next week.
We'll have something that wewant to invest in you.
We don't know what it is yet,but we'll have something video.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Leave us comments.
Watch more of our long contenton YouTube.
We create long content becausewe want to give you more than
just 30 seconds or 15 seconds,so we try to make it at least 30
minutes.
Now remember, we're strongertogether and we love you and you
are more than enough so we'llsee you guys next Saturday thank
(36:42):
you for listening.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Thank you for your investment in time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, Rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.