January 22, 2025 • 49 mins
This podcast episode focuses on understanding the various communication styles within relationships and how these styles impact interaction dynamics. By identifying your communication style—whether Thinker, Director, Feeler, or Visionary—listeners can better navigate their relationships and foster deeper understanding with their partners.
• Explanation of the four communication styles: Thinker, Director, Feeler, Visionary
• Importance of recognizing one’s own communication style
• Examples of how different styles communicate in practical scenarios
• Discussion of the strengths and growth areas for each style
• Emphasis on learning and growth in communication for healthier relationships
• Engagement with listener questions and feedback
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore
healthy relationships.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
My name is Renee and I'm Gil from the Rich
Relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Refuge, and today we're going to show you about
your communication style.
You got your phone out, babe,yes, okay.
So we have an app.
It's called Marriage Mentors,rich RR.
Today we're going to show youabout your communication style.
You got your phone out, babe,yes, okay.
So we have an app.
It's called Marriage Mentors,rich RR, and we have already
gone through and done ourassessment.
So I know what my communicationstyle is and we're going to
show you what it looks like onthe app.
(00:40):
So, if you haven't already goneonto the app and gotten your
communication style, the app iscalled marriage mentors, rich rr
.
And um, my communication style.
There's four different typesand I know this may be something
that's new to a lot of you all.
We want to make sure that we'reshowing you how your
(01:01):
communication, what it lookslike in real world.
So my communication style is Iam a director and we're going to
explain what that is, but we'regoing to give you some examples
of what it looks like, so giveus in the app right now.
This is what it looks like inthe app store.
And, babe, what's yourcommunication?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
style.
I am a thinker as you can see.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
it says that it shows you what you are, and so we're
going to give you some examplesof what it looks like in a
conversation when you have adirector and a thinker.
We're going to show you thatnext, but first we're going to
show you what the communicationstyles all look like.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
So when you actually do the assessment through the
app, once you finish with it, itactually is going to give you
some breakdowns of thecommunication styles.
So everything that we're goingto be going through today is
actually going to be shown andthat you can actually see here
in the assessment that youactually get through the app
(02:04):
that actually is going to breakdown some, through the app that
actually is going to break downsome of the things that we're
going to actually be talkingabout today?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Yes, because we're going to describe what they are,
excuse me, and we're also goingto show you their growth, their
strengths and their growthareas.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
But why don't we talk a little bit about why they are
?
Speaker 2 (02:23):
important.
Okay, so we're going to talkabout why we're doing it this
way now, because we used to do alot more where we were talking
about topics and talking aboutdifferent things you need to
know.
But we realized that we havegotten so many calls from
couples in need and it has beena lot of guys calling us calls
(02:46):
from couples in need.
And it has been a lot of guyscalling us.
And so I said, babe, why don'twe show people how to, versus
telling them what, when and butshow them how to.
And so our videos are not goingto be geared more towards
showing you how to communicate,but we want to start off with
you knowing your communicationstyle, because we realize that
most of the struggles that wehave in relationships start with
(03:08):
us, and so if I don't know mycommunication style, I
definitely don't know myhusband's communication style.
So we want to make sure we'restarting off here with you
knowing your own personalcommunication style so, when you
think about your communicationstyle, why is that actually
important?
Speaker 1 (03:22):
it's important because you tend to communicate
with people in your style.
So, for instance, if you are adirector, you're going to be
more direct in how you actuallytalk to people.
If you're a thinker, you'regoing to be more analytical in
what you think.
And then guess what?
You're going to actuallycommunicate to that person in
your style, which means they maynot get it or they may get a
(03:44):
little frustrated with youbecause you kind of give them
way too much information.
Or, as a director, you may be alittle bit too direct in what
you're saying.
The visionary is the type thatactually goes through and always
talking about the pie in thesky, and always talking about
the future and things like thatand the vision.
Well, sometimes you want thedetails, you know so.
(04:05):
And then the the feeler.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
The feeler, I love to say the feeler is like music.
They're kind of all over theplace.
They kind of are really in tune.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
They're very social, and so we want to make sure that
we explain what they all are,and so you want to show them
what they are actually and yeah,as we go through some of the
scenarios and some of the thingsthat we wanted to talk about,
we actually talk about it fromthe perspective of visuals.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
I'm a visual learner so when we have the visual
learning things.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
We actually built some signs and that we're
actually going to be talking.
And while we're talking, we'regoing to show you what the style
is, and you'll maybe hear someof the things that are being
said that actually correspondwith the style.
So when you hear it, you'relike so that's why it makes
sense, so that's the thinker,that's the director, that's the
(04:58):
visionary, and then we're goingto be talking.
That's the thinker.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
So I said it thinker, thinker, visionary, director
and feeler yes, and so we'regoing to give some scenarios,
we're going to kind of do somerole playing.
We kind of have some littlethings written out and so
basically, the reason why wethought this was important,
because so many times, okay, youhear that, but what does it
(05:23):
look like in real life.
So the first ones we're goingto be doing, um is going to be
the thinker and it's going to bea thinker to a thinker.
So the people these are goingto be two thinkers talking to
each other, and so and so thisone.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
We're going to use the scenario of like if you're
planning a vacation, if you getready to go on a vacation, a
planner may say things, athinker a thinker may say things
like they would go into detailabout when it comes to the
vacation itself and saying hey,babe, I think we should go on
the vacations, and before we go,I've sat down and I analyzed
(06:00):
the cost, I did a lot of theresearch and I thought about
some of the places that weshould go, because it's
important to think about thebudget when we decide where we
want to go, just so we can havea good time.
But we can also know wherewe're going and how we're going
to get there, and it's going tobe very more detailed in the
planning.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
And then um, and Renee's response that sounds
very logical, but are we goingto leave some time out for
relaxation?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
very logical, but are we going to leave some time out
for relaxation?
So I hear what you're saying,but I'm going to be more focused
on the analytical and the, theactual deals and how, the, the
planning side of things.
So it's going to be verythinking oriented and what's so
important when you think aboutor you talk to someone that is a
thinker, those are things thatyou have to be conscious of,
that they are going to befocused on the details of things
(06:48):
when they are talking thebudget, the schedule, staying on
time, making sure that the list, everything is checked off of
the list those are the kinds ofthings that a thinker would
would be very concerned about.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Let's talk about another scenario with the
thinker.
We're still talking about thethinker Gil, have you thought
about us getting that new carthat?
Speaker 1 (07:10):
new vehicle.
Well, again, hey, babe, I'vebeen doing a lot of research and
I've been thinking about thecost of what it's going to take
to go from the vehicle thatwe're in to the next vehicle,
and I'm thinking that, based onthat, these are the things that
I want.
I want good gas mileage.
I want it to be economical forrepairs.
I want it to actually be cheapto insure.
(07:31):
I'm going to provide Renee witha lot of the details of the
things that I'm actuallythinking about.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Yeah.
And then it says, as long as itworks.
I think we should just move onand just get past the whole
thinking process, the whole partof the process of making the
decision.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
And I would understand that.
But I'm still going to do theresearch and I may be slow to
pull the trigger of buying thenew vehicle because I'm doing so
much research.
Again, we're talking about thethinker, the thinker.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
And so what we want to do now is we want to tell you
some of the growth areas andsome of the strengths.
So these are the strengths ofthe thinker, the thinker, and so
what?
we want to do now is we want totell you some of the growth
areas and some of the strengths.
So these are the strengths ofthe thinker Go ahead, okay.
They're good at putting thingsin order, they take time and
they have a talent forprioritizing and problem solving
.
They make objective,logic-based decisions, they tend
(08:22):
to be brief and business-like,they value accuracy and
precision, they treat peoplefairly, they follow policies and
rules and they are good atproblem solving.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Now, why is all this important for you to know when
we talk about it from the growtharea?
Because when we talk aboutgrowth, the strengths or the
strengths, I'm sorry, thestrengths of someone that is a
thinker is because you want toknow, and the more information
you have about how they processthe information, it's going to
be easier for you to understandwhere they're coming from.
(08:55):
But just like we have strengths, we actually have growth areas
and things that we have to bethinking about.
As a thinker I can be overlycautious about sometimes and I
can be actually slow to makedecisions when it comes to
anything, because I'm alwaysthinking about as much as I
possibly can to make the bestdecision.
Yes, I see Renee smiling becauseshe knows what it is.
(09:17):
We were going over this andtalking about this information
and we were like, okay, wow,this, when you talk about it, we
already know this.
But when you talk about it, itreinforces and it kind of say,
yeah, that's me, I have to mightnot see the forest for the
trees I might miss the forestfor the trees?
yes, absolutely, and sometimesyou can actually hurt others
with your feelings.
(09:38):
Why does that?
Why is that important?
Because if I'm always thinkingabout the plans, I can actually
miss the intent and the peopleof what I'm actually talking
about, and we might not giveenough positive.
People who are thinkers tend tosee the negative a lot easier
of a situation than they do apositive, and then we have a
(10:00):
knack for remembering thepolicies and hearing to the
rules and the attention todetail, and you know so.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Those are some of the things that you have to think
about when it comes to a thinker, a thinker so we gave you two
scenarios so you can kind of seehow, when you're talking to a
thinker, how a thinkercommunicates.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
So a thinker is going to communicate with long drawn
out thoughts, thought process soyou think about that when, just
like what we're trying to dohere is give you the how, when
you are, if you realize that youare a thinker type of
communicator, that's somethingthat you've got to be
consciously aware of, becauseyou're going to communicate in
(10:39):
your style, so we thank you forall the the thumbs up.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Right there, you guys are here, if you got any
questions, put them in the chat.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Put them in the chat and we're just sharing the
information with you.
But if you think of somethingthat's actually beneficial, that
you want to actually talk about, by all means just put it in
the chat yes, and next one.
The next one is directors thedirector all my directors, all
the people who are just as theysay straight no chaser.
The next one.
The next one is Directors, thedirectors, all my directors, all
the people who are just as theysay straight no chaser.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
This is you, so if you are a, director in your
communication style.
We're very direct.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
And you know, she say we I am a director.
Yes, renee is a director.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
I'm a director, so here she goes with her scenario
of what it may look like in realworld, and this is probably how
I really would do it too.
Yeah, hey, babe, we're ordering, we're planning an event and I
got everything together.
I got everybody's name done, Igot all the pros figured out,
everybody.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
I know what everybody needs to do, and so would you
handle setting up the table,sure I'm actually going to set
up the table and, as as I thinkabout remember, I was a thinker
I'm, as I think about, yes,getting the table set up, I'll
take care of it and I'll get itdone, like right now.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
OK, well, make sure you keep it.
So it's like I'm going to befocused, you're going to be
focused on the details and I'mgoing to be focusing on making
sure that everything is done andstraight to the point, and a
lot of times I don't want to geta lot of details, I'm thinking
about just the bottom line.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
And by that I'm going to make sure that, as we do
this, I'm going to make surethat we are keeping things
moving along in a fashion that'sgoing to be accomplishing what
we set out to do when it comesto the overall, the goal.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Yeah, so we'll use another one.
Another one is we need to getthe roof repaired.
Hey, babe, the roof needs to berepaired, and so I've gotten
some people together, andwhoever gets in touch with us
first is going to be the personwe're going to use.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
How about this?
We don't waste a lot of timewhen it comes to researching and
doing all the things of who'sgoing to do the work.
How don't we just figure outand get it done as soon and as
fast as we possibly can?
Speaker 2 (12:53):
I think that would be good.
So let's do that, and let's notwaste time on thinking about
all the ways that things can gowrong, and so let's just move
forward and make the decision sowe need to be get it done, get
it moving, so we can get thisroof repaired and we can move on
yes, I would like that, so aswe talk about the director and
(13:13):
we're talking.
In these scenarios, this is adirector talking to a director.
So right now, this is just twodirectors talking to each other,
and so some of the strengths ofa director they're resourceful
and determinate.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
They actually are practical and they are very down
to earth in what they think andwhat they feel they're very
talented at getting things done.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
they make decisions quick, based on facts and past
experiences.
Focus on actions, results andrewards Easy.
Enjoy the present moment, worksteadily and realistic, without
taking account of long-termresults.
(13:56):
So just like.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
those are some of the positive attributes when you
think about somebody who's theirdirector, because they're going
to get things done in a quickand a timely fashion.
But just like you have thestrengths, you actually have
some growth areas that canbecome obstacles when you talk
about your communication styles.
They can be very impulsive inhow they say and get things done
(14:20):
.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
They can be very competitive and normally I would
say for me as a director, I'mcompeting with my last project.
I'm not competing with anotherperson, I'm competing with my
last project that I completedthey can be very aggressive.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
They can be very aggressive, they can be very
impatient, they can disregardthe long term consequences of
their actions and theirdecisions and under stress they
may alienate other people, andthat's a real deal, because if
you are a director, will be moreinclined to just take care of
it themselves, especially whenit comes to something that they
(14:56):
want done in a quick and in atimely fashion.
They may be poor listeners andthey often interrupt when
somebody is talking because theyactually want to get their
point across, and they mightcreate messes that other people
actually have to clean up, andthat's only because they are so
(15:17):
focused on the bottom line andgetting it done.
It's those details that getoverlooked and missed.
That can also cause a problemlong term.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
So that's what the director actually looks like.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
So these are our directors.
So when we talk about this,what we're sharing with you guys
today is the communicationstyles that you can find If
you're just joining us.
We're talking about thecommunication styles of
individuals that you can find onour app called Marriage Mentors
Rich Relationships.
So this is actually anassessment that you can actually
(15:49):
do to help you become not onlyaware of, but also what you can
actually do when it comes tocommunicating with the other.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Now, if you guys have some scenarios or questions you
want to ask, please feel freeto communicating with the other.
Now, if you guys have somescenarios or questions you want
to ask, please feel free to putin the chat.
We're going to have a timewhere we're going to do that,
but right now we're just tryingto go through all of them so you
guys can see, maybe understand,what your communication style
is, and then we're going to showyou right now we're just
showing you that eachcommunication style to the same
communication style, and thennext we're just showing you that
each communication style to thesame communication style, and
(16:18):
then next we're going to showyou them to each other and then
we're going to let you guys askquestions and really engage you
guys as far.
So, keep you thinking aboutquestions.
You have things you want toknow.
If there's someone you thinkneeds to be watching this, share
it with them, having to come onand join us right now because
we are live and we are going to,you know, answer your questions
and, um, give some example.
(16:39):
You get asked questions andwe'll give you some examples.
So the next one is now.
These are not.
Most people have a secondaryand a primary, and so my primary
is a director, my secondary isvisionary.
What's your secondary?
Uh, feeler?
Yes, okay, so we're gonna.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
What's the next one?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
so the next one is we did the director, we did the
thinker.
The next one is the.
I want to say it's the feelerthe feeler boom.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
So all where my feelers at, this is all you,
this is just for you.
This is what maybe aconversation may sound like as
you're going through and how youcan actually apply this to your
relationships.
When it comes to this, howabout when you're planning a get
together?
So, hey, babe, I was thinkingabout inviting some people over
to the house and have a goodtime, just hang out for the
(17:31):
weekend.
How do you think they are allfeeling when they're about doing
it?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
Well, I think that we need to check in with them and
make sure that everybody isgoing to be OK and everyone is
going to be doing wellemotionally.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
You know what that probably makes sense, that we
would actually want to checkwith them before and just to
make sure they are actuallyavailable and so uncomfortable
and that they actually feelwelcome.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
I think that would be really important, yeah, so this
is a feelers.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
So how about we share some of this?
Before we go to scenario two,let's go through the strengths,
so they can hear some of thethings that we actually talk
about.
So the strengths of a feelers.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Oh, they're talent for empathizing and creating
harmony, are naturally friendlyand have a good sense of humor,
take the intentions of othersinto consideration and they
treat each person uniquely.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Now, just like that.
You have those strengths, butthere are some growth areas that
feelers have to be conscious ofwhen it comes to communicating.
In their feelings, they canoverly personalize situations.
They make things very personalwhen it may not be.
Their relationships can havecloudy judgment.
You know their relationshipscan be cloudy judgments.
(18:58):
They might overlook theimportant details because
they're only thinking about howsomething feels versus how it
actually needs to be handled.
The lack of planning canactually cause disorganization.
Again, if you're alwaysthinking about your feelings,
about every situation and everytime you communicate, there are
going to be some details andsome disorganization.
(19:18):
That is usually going to be thebyproduct of some of the things
that may happen when it comesto communication, and you may
this is something that isactually.
You may spend too much timesocializing.
Sometimes.
You have to get straight to thedetails.
Don't always be so focused onthe relational aspect of your
communication than it is,forgetting about what you
(19:39):
actually want to accomplish.
And if you ask a feeler, howare you Just guess what they're
going to actually tell youprobably more than you ever
wanted to know about how theyactually feel.
So these are some of the thingsto think about as we talk about
the scenarios of what feelersactually go through.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
And so we're going to talk about a scenario where
we're helping a friend through atough time.
You know, Lisa has been goingthrough a real rough patch.
I think we need to do somethingto support her.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
You know that actually makes sense.
Why don't we kind of reach outto her and see how we can
support her and see what we cando to help her when it comes to
what she's going through?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
I think that would be good, and we need to make sure
we also ask her what she needsand what are some of the things
that we can do that wouldsupport her.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
But I think we also got to make sure we create a
safe space for her to be able toshare and open up about how she
feels and what's really goingon.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Yeah, I think that would be really good.
It'll maybe help her with thedecision-making process.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
So good It'll make me help her with the decision
making process.
So that's how something thatyou can approach somebody who's
a feeler and thinking about howtheir communication style.
So we've already shared withyou the director, the thinker,
the feeler.
And as you think about theseand hear these, think about the
people that are in your life andwhether it's your significant
other, your spouse, or even yourchildren, or even your friends
and extended friends, thinkabout what their communication
styles are and some of thecharacteristics and some of the
traits and attributes that we'vedescribed here.
(21:05):
As we're sharing this in this,this session of the rich
relationship, live how to, thehow to, we're gonna focus more
on that, and so the last one isthe visionary all my visionary
people.
These are the people who are wayup there, always thinking about
the future.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Yes, you know I've been brainstorming about a new
project, about a ministry forcouples.
You know that we could probablyreally really help them and it
could make a big impact in thefuture.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
You know that's a good idea, but I also think we
have to sit down and think aboutwhat is it that we really want
to accomplish with them when itcomes to what the vision looks
like, what the actual ministryis actually going to be?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Okay, I love that.
I think that we should startplanning and see how we can
bring it to life.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
So my visionary people.
How about I share some of theexcuse me, some of the strengths
of a visionary?
They seem to see into thefuture and are good at long-term
, long-range plans, just likeall the things that we've been
doing with Rich Relationship.
Renee is very good at that.
This is her secondary, becauseit's always future leaning,
future focus, future looking atyou actually learn to love new
(22:18):
skills.
If you're a visionary, you loveto learn new skills.
You have a great imaginationand you focus on how things can
be improved and you're able toidentify creative solutions in a
fresh way.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah.
So you know, just like a coin,there's a flip side to that.
But we're going to give youanother scenario and then we'll
give you the growth areas.
Oh, we did two, we already didthe two the project and we did
the Nope.
We didn't do that, Dreamingabout the future.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
Yeah, dreaming about future goals.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Okay, so I really want to create a program for
couples where you can go awayand do retreats.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
You want to do retreat.
Well, that's a good bondingexperience.
That may be a good idea wherewe can think about what steps do
we need to take to actually getthere.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Well, you can think about that, and then I'm going
to plan all the details of whatthat would look like for the
future to plan all the detailsof what that would look like for
the future.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
How about we sit down and come up with a plan that
we'd actually can sit down andlook at what that vision may
look like in reality?
Okay, I think that would begreat so that's something that
it may sounds right, but thenyou have some growth areas that
you may want to focus on too.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
You want to share that with them yes, so these are
some of the growth areas of thevisionary.
Uh, visionaries can beabsent-minded and scatterbrained
because they're always thinkingabout the future and not the
present.
Um, they're, they're.
They have long-term vision withshort-term action.
They avoid the nitty-gritty andhate prolonged deadlines.
(23:56):
Um, they're very hard to read.
They may come across assuperior, arrogant or conceited,
may have a hard time followingup on tasks and may
procrastinate.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
That's actually a big one procrastination, because if
you think about procrastinating, even in a communication
scenario of where you areputting off a conversation that
you may need to have withsomeone, that can cause a
problem long term with someonein their communication style.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
So and the reason why we want to show it from,
because if you listen to thescenarios we're using it's ideal
, you know we're we're bothagreeable and we're not
disagreeing, and it's not.
There's no escalation, becauseall we want to show you in this
is to show you what thecommunication style looks like.
Gil is a thinker.
(24:48):
Yes, I am a director.
He is secondary feeler, I amsecondary visionary, and so this
week we're just talking aboutcommunication styles, but next
week we're going to talk aboutwhat communication is, because
one of the things that wasmentioned about the visionary is
they can be aggressive, and wealways talk about there's never
(25:10):
need to be aggressive, we shouldonly be assertive.
And so, in real life, when wehave situations, we want to help
you to get the foundation ofknowing your communication style
and then normal communicationis, and then go into conflict
resolution, because do youunderstand why this is so
important in helping us to havebetter communication and have?
(25:32):
Because without communicationyou won't have good conflict
resolution.
And what we're seeing is so manytimes couples are struggling
and they think that it's aproblem with money, when really
it's how they communicate, it'show they think about money,
because you may see it one way.
I may see it another way.
So we want to make sure thatwe're showing you how to.
(25:52):
Well, how do you, as a directorand a thinker, how do you come
up with the budget?
You know how do you do thosethings?
Well, we sit down and we talkabout it, and I already know
that gil is going to be thinkingabout things I don't think
about and I'm going to bethinking about the big picture
and saving and so a part of itwhere you can go into an
(26:13):
understanding that you're goingto see it different, then it
makes it a little bit easier foryou.
That automatically kind of,because I think some of the
escalation comes from just notknowing and not understanding
and so when you don't understandyour own communication style,
it can make it really difficultto really navigate that with
someone else yep, so we talked alittle bit about these
(26:36):
communication styles in just amade-up situation or something
like that.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
but we're going to share with you guys our style
and how we actually havenavigated some of the things and
some of the choices anddecisions, and we're going to
have our little signs up,because renee is a director and,
if I'm a thinker, this is howit actually looks like because,
remember, you tend tocommunicate in your style to
other people, but I think theproblem is that you expect for
(27:03):
the other person to communicateback to you in your style.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
And I'm not going to communicate back to him in his
style.
I'm going to communicate to himin my style.
And so when I understand thathe's going to communicate in his
style, I'm going to communicatein my style.
Then that way it kind of setsup so these little signs make it
easier.
But in real life you don't havethese signs.
But through the years we havelearned that he's going to be
thinking and I'm going to bedirecting.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
So, just like the scenario we used already about
the new car, this is somethingthat we were thinking about.
Hey babe, I'm thinking about usgetting a new car.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
And one of the things we always tell our couples
whenever we always look at eachother.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
We normally do, but we know we're talking to you
guys.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
Just remember that whenever we're having a
conversation, we're alwayslooking at each other, because
that's really important to givethe other person full eye
contact and your undividedattention.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Not this.
Yeah, babe, I hear you, I hearyou yeah that's a no, no Okay.
So if we're thinking of, I'mactually going to be jumping
back and forth.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
We just explained it.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Thinking about buying a new car and I've actually
started doing research onactually what is the best
economical way, what is going tobe the long-term, something
that we can keep for a littlewhile, something that's going to
be cost-effective when it comesto long-term maintenance
effective when it comes tolong-term maintenance.
I'm going to be providing herwith a lot of the details of the
research, of what I'm thinkingabout, not because I'm trying to
(28:31):
convince her, but I'm trying totalk out the things that I'm
thinking about.
That's going to help me make adecision when it comes to buying
this new car.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
And in the beginning it drove me crazy because I was
like oh my gosh, why so so manywords?
Speaker 1 (28:47):
just tell me what you want so and so she would say
that, but maybe not in thatmatter I wouldn't say it.
I would just say that's a lotyes but what would some of your
responses be just like?
If I come to you with that, ifI came to you with just the
details of this new car that I'mthinking about getting and all
that?
Speaker 2 (29:06):
one of the things I know about gil if he's come to
me and telling me something, hehas already done a whole, whole,
whole, because he kind ofmentioned it casually.
Hey, babe, you want a new car.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
I was like no, and how long ago was that?
Speaker 2 (29:20):
It was about a few months ago, a few months, so he
was trying to plant the seed inmy head that I needed a new car.
I was like I want a new car.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
I'm good.
But again, it helps me to talkthings out to her, just so I
feel like I'm looking at all thedifferent obstacles or
different situations anddifferent circumstances.
But, just like Renee said, thatcan be frustrating to her.
If I'm a thinker and I'mtalking to a director where she
(29:48):
wants the bottom line, she wouldprobably prefer me to say hey,
babe, we're getting a new car,this is the one that I want us
to get, this is why I want us toget it and this is a time frame
I want us to get it in.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Yeah, I guess I mean, the thing that he said that got
me was it's electric.
So, and the thing that he saidthat got me was it's electric, I
said, oh see, you should haveled with that, because I am like
super, super, super cheap, andso if he would have just led
with, hey, babe, I'm thinkingabout getting an electric car.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Oh, ok, see, but me I have to talk it out.
So if you are a communicator,and when you're communicating in
your style to someone else,sometimes remember those growth
areas.
All the details can beoverwhelming and frustrating.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
And this is why I said in the short, I said what
if your communication style is atrigger for the other person?
Not the communication styleitself itself, but the growth
area?
Sometimes gill's growth areastrigger my growth areas, because
(30:54):
if I have to learn how and thething that is so funny about
this, because when I was reallyreally studying this and going
through it, one of my biggestgrowth areas is being impulsive
and one of his biggest growthareas is that he is slow to make
decisions overly cautious tomake decisions.
(31:15):
I said, oh my gosh.
I said so.
Just learning this kind ofstuff gives you insight into the
other, to yourself and theother person and then you start
understanding.
Oh so that's why that bothersme.
It's not him, it's me.
And so the more you understandyour growth areas, because most
of the time.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
We know our strengths , you know we know all the good
things.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Oh yeah, I'm young, I'm good, I'm good at making
decisions and I'm talented aboutgetting things done yeah, but
we need to focus on the growthareas, and the thing that I'm
always very conscious of isbeing aggressive, because we
first started dating I was super, super aggressive, and so I, I
(31:59):
and I still have to be mindful,because that's in here and so
and I would even say to thatover the years we I have learned
to navigate and not not confuseRenee's normal, the way she
communicates with her heartfulintentions of being aggressive
towards me.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
And this is the thing .
These are your communicationstyles.
This is not your character,this is not your personality.
This is just the way youcommunicate.
We haven't even gotten to allof that.
We're just talking about yourcommunication.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
So just the way you use your words and put them
together in sentences can be aproblem in relationships and the
reason why we're actually doingthis in this manner is we get a
lot of calls and renee we'rejust talking about this over the
last couple weeks that we'vegotten a lot of calls over the
last couple of weeks about howto fix things when things have
(32:53):
gone off track.
Well, if you're aware of thingsbefore they get off track, or
you're conscious and you'reinsightful into the things that
can be problems before they areproblems, it can help you long
because they we don't want youto get to the point where you
say, how do I fix it?
Well, the way you fix it is bybeing proactive in your approach
(33:14):
to things, and especially whensomeone you're in relationship
with.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
The one of the greatest way for you to fix it
is to work on you yep one of thethings that I think that people
don't share enough aboutmarriage and good relationships
is I am constantly focusing onwhat I need to do better to grow
and mature and get better, andI'm reading the Bible every day
(33:38):
and I'm reading books and I'masking you and if you're not
doing that, that's what makesrelationships erode.
You have to be doing a realserious look at.
You have to be very aware ofwhat you bring to every
relationship.
That is unhealthy and it worklike I know, okay, so I'm
impulsive, okay, so how do Iwork on that?
(33:59):
You know?
Let's just I would use anexample procrastination.
That's something I strugglewith for a lot of years, so you
know what I tell myself now.
Now means it gets done later,means I forget.
That's not something you mademe do.
I have to do it.
So if I'm working on what Ineed to work on because I know
the areas where I'm struggling,I'm impatient, I disregard
(34:20):
long-term consequences.
I'm giving you an example ofwhat that means.
If you know, if you don't paythe light bill today, the lights
is going to be turned off.
Guess what?
That's a part of the way you'recommunicating.
That's affecting the way you dothings, and so the more you are
aware of how you communicateand how it affects you as a
(34:41):
person, then the more you'regoing to say you know.
And then, when I know mine,then guess what I can learn his.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
But just knowing mine is enough to really make our
relationship better and onething that I want to, before we
go on to the other two, is thecommunity, excuse me,
communication is probably theone topic that everybody would
probably willing to say thatthey can do and that they have
been doing, because just becausewe're talking don't mean we're
necessarily communicatingeffectively, and this is all a
(35:09):
part of a learned skill.
That you actually can do whenit comes to your communication
is become a student of the otherstyles, because that's going to
make you more diverse when youcommunicate and interact with
other people outside of yourstyle, if that makes sense yeah,
and that's so important, so wegot the so director and the
(35:31):
thinker and you got thevisionary and the feeling, and
these are our secondaries.
These are our secondary oneswhen it comes to each other and
in our communication style.
So we're going to talk about itin the perspective of how about
this?
A new business venture, from avisionary's perspective?
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Well, of course, I have this thing that I want to
do.
That's bigger than what I'mthinking about, and I think that
has been probably somethingthat I have had to learn.
Hey, babe, you know what I wantto do?
I want to build a tinycommunity Because I want to make
sure that everybody that welove and care about have some
place to live that's affordableand that's nice, and they get to
(36:14):
go to good schools.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
That's a great idea and remember, I'm going to
vacillate between my primary,which is a thinker, and a
feeling.
I agree with that 100% becausethat pulls on my heartstrings to
know that people don't have aplace to live.
They should have a place tolive, that's nice.
That's nice, but it's also safeand all those things that
(36:35):
actually make sense, and I lovethat you have the vision for
that, but you also have to thinkabout what is it going to take
for us to get there?
What are some of the thingsthat we're going to have to do
and accomplish?
Maybe we're going to have tochange in order for that to come
to pass.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
Yes, I agree.
Speaker 1 (36:53):
So thinking about my feelings and how it feels is one
thing, but I go back to thelong term thinking process of my
primary Right.
Because when you, because it'sboth of these married right,
because when you, because it's,it's both of these.
So so, if these are ours, we'regoing to go back and forth,
depending on the topic, thesituation, the conversation, the
(37:17):
circumstance, your mood, howyou feel the time of day, what
you're going to talk about ifyou're hungry, if you're angry,
if you lost.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
All those things affect your communication.
So when you're interacting withanother person, there's a lot
of moving parts and a lot ofdynamics that you don't are not
aware of in the background.
So if you're always thinkingabout the fact that you have two
styles that you go between andthis other person has two, so it
is.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
So when it's two people, it's really four
different dynamics you have totake into consideration, and so
if you go into a kind ofunderstanding that it makes it,
I think it allows you to giveeach other grace absolutely, and
I want to give you guys ascenario and we have things
written down, but we just feellike, as we're talking to you
guys, things are coming to ourmind and real scenario, real
(38:08):
life, real life moment when wemove here back to San Antonio.
It was a stressful time,remember, I'm a feeler.
This is my secondary.
I started having feelings ofanxiety and trouble sleeping and
all those are feelings, guesswhat.
Even though I was in my head,this is how I was actually
(38:29):
feeling.
And if I come to Renee with myfeelings and trying to
communicate to her how I feltabout this upcoming move, all
the things that we had to do andall the things that we were
trying to accomplish, with whatit takes to move cross country,
it can be very stressful.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
So I'm always thinking about the feelings.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
So if I'm talking to her from a feeling perspective,
it can be challenging and it canbe difficult.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
But I think a part of what I've had to learn is
feelings are feelings.
Feelings aren't facts.
Feelings, feelings aren't facts.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
And so what I try to do when you come to me and you
have a whole lot of feelingsgoing on, it's helping you to
feel faith and love and not fearand anger that's good that's
good, because when you havethose feelings, this is a time
where you want to align yourselfwith this person that you in
this long-term relationship with, just so you can not only
(39:32):
balance each other out but bethere for each other in the way
that they need, not how you wantto deliver it.
But how do I need Renee torespond to me when I'm in my
feelings, or when I'm in emotion, or I'm in a mood, or I have
something that I'm notnecessarily thinking about, but
how I'm in my feelings, or whenI'm in emotion, or I'm in a mood
, or I have something that I'mnot necessarily thinking about,
but how I'm actually feeling.
This is the time where I wanther to not necessarily be this
(39:55):
director.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
No well, guess what, sometimes, when she's feeling
that way, she's gonna be very Ihave to get into my feelings and
get me getting into my feelingsis a really big difficult,
especially since I've gonethrough menopause so you still
got them.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
They're just a little , I got them they're just really
super surprised.
So that's something, the thingthat we want to just share with
you.
So in this last few minutes Iknow this time goes by so fast.
I'm looking at the clock hereand it's been like almost 45
minutes that we've been talkinghere and we thank you guys for
hanging out with us on thisSaturday afternoon, so we're
going to give you guys some time.
I'm looking at the questions.
So we want to see here and Ithank you for some of the
(40:33):
comments that you're actuallyputting down and I'm looking at
some of them here now.
So, Ms D, thank you for this.
Oh, this is good Say thecharacter for the communication
style.
Yes, style yes and I thought Iseen a question here earlier.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
Let me scroll down here.
Okay, you have.
Okay, go ahead.
No, go ahead.
You were gonna say if you guysare watching now or in the
future and you have a question,please put it in the chat oh,
here's one.
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Here's a question, I see.
Okay, uh, from miss uh, is thatria de speaks?
Speaker 2 (41:03):
oh, that's miss reed, that you know who that is.
Speaker 1 (41:05):
Yeah, so I'm gonna read the question can you be a
director and a feeler as well?
Speaker 2 (41:11):
you can, you can and I think that you're, I think
that your community.
You can be a feeler and adirector.
You can be.
You can be a feeler and adirector.
You can be all there, any ofthese combinations.
You can be a feeler and athinker, you can be a visionary
and a feeler.
(41:31):
I mean you, everyone'scommunication style.
I really think that when I wasyounger, I think I was a feeler,
but I think that as, as I'vegrown and and as you mature, I
think that because I think thatreally you should have a little
bit of all of these in you inorder to be able to really get
along with everyone.
But I think you're going tohave a primary, just like with
(41:54):
the love languages.
There's five love languages.
You're going to have a primaryand a secondary, but you should
be aware of all of them.
So, with your communicationstyle, yes, you can be a feeler
and a thinker or a thinker, andthere's no one set combination,
and so it's just a matter of youkind of doing the assessment
(42:14):
and learning it.
And I know for me, because ofwhat we do, I have to be mindful
.
I have to be very careful withfeelers, because I can hurt
feelers feelings really, reallybad because I'm I can be too
direct and and I had to learnthat when we started doing this.
I realized, man, I'm making alot of people feel really bad.
(42:35):
So whatever your communicationstyle is, you need to know what
yours is and then kind of havean understanding of somebody
else is there another question?
Speaker 1 (42:42):
any question, then, and just some of the things that
you were just talking about thereason why we're doing this and
trying to shift, not justtalking about a topic, not just
talking about all the thingsabout communication and but just
giving you some real concretethings that, hopefully, you can
hold on to and that you canbecome more aware of is, when
you are in relationship withsomeone, the more information
(43:03):
and tools that you have this isa this is tools that you can put
in your toolbox, like we tellour couples.
That's going to make you betterwhen it comes to the
relationships, that you have tobe more conscious of how you
interact and some of the thingsthat you may have said or are
currently saying to people thatyou care about.
To be a better communicator Notcommunicating again in your
(43:25):
style, but communicating to them.
To most of all, to is the goalis to be understood.
The more you are understood andwhat you're trying to
communicate.
That's the goal.
That's what you want to getacross to this person.
Sometimes you're going to havethose disagreements, sometimes
you're going to have things thatyou just don't accept, but it's
always vitally important thatyou are heard and that you are
(43:48):
understood.
Speaker 2 (43:49):
And the thing that I think that's important, that we
and we'll talk more about, we'lleventually get to conflict
resolution.
And we'll eventually get to,because the next thing we're
going to do is whatcommunication is, because active
listening and assertive speech.
We're going to give someexamples of what that looks like
and show you how, because a lotof things that we've taught, I
(44:11):
think that people still don'tunderstand how to do it.
You know they don't know.
Well, how do I do that?
What does that look like?
You know, how do you guys getalong?
Well, we don't just get along oncamera, we get along in life,
because these are the kind ofthings that we come into the
relationship, these tools thathelp us to be prepared, and so
(44:32):
when people are showing youthese videos, but they're not
showing you how they're doing it, I think that that's doing them
a diss.
I think we're doing adisservice.
So I think that if there'ssomething that we know how to do
, we should show how we do it,and so that was something that
the lord gave us.
We kind of had some time offand and the lord shows the
visionary, she comes up withthis stuff.
(44:53):
Y'all, I just participate I waslike, lord, how do we really
reach people and make adifference and make an impact?
And he was like show them howto stop telling people.
I think to me, and I think that, as believers, I think we talk
too much, we don't show enough,and so I believe that you know,
and the Bible says may the wordsof your mouth and meditation of
(45:13):
your heart be pleasing to mysight.
So that means that it'ssomething you can see.
So I think that we need to showpeople what it means to have a
God-honored relationship.
And is it scripture?
Yes.
Is it skills?
Yes.
Is it community?
Yes.
Is it doing something different?
It's all of those things, andso I appreciate you guys for
(45:35):
being on here and watching andasking questions.
If you're watching now or later, if you have questions, we want
to help you.
We want to provide you withsome how-tos.
We're not going to just um, Iwas talking to a couple and they
were talking about somethingthat's going on.
I was just explaining to them.
I said that's only the symptom,and gil talks about that all he
says all the time.
(45:55):
Most of the time we focus onthe symptom, the biggest
problems that couples have.
We always say there's no suchthing as marriage problems.
There's individual problems youbring into your relationship.
So if I get to know me and Ilearn my communication style, I
learn my personality type, Ilove my, I learn my love
language, I learn my purpose asa, as an individual, I'm going
(46:18):
to be in a better position to bein a relationship with somebody
else, but a lot of the rubcomes from you're trying to
figure out marriage when you'remarried.
There's things you need tofigure out about yourself as an
individual long before you getmarried.
So marriage is just like tryingto I'm going to change the tire
on my car while the car ismoving.
(46:38):
That's not gonna work.
So we need to make sure thatwe're preparing people to be the
best version of themselves assingles, so that when they go
into a relationship, they gointo it with a better
understanding of who they areand what they bring to them.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
And I would even say, even if you're in a
relationship for years and yearsand years, or just starting one
, or just been in one, um, thisis all things that you need to
be consciously aware of rightnow, that you can incorporate
and start practicing now,because we've been together 36
years this year as Mary, and weare still constantly practicing
(47:14):
and learning and doing thesethings.
We're not sharing to you thethings that we've done in past
and all that.
We're still doing it.
We're still doing it and justlike even just creating these
cards.
Speaker 2 (47:24):
That's how the Lord showed me.
I was like, oh my gosh,sometimes we don't know what we
don't know, and because we don'tstudy things, because we don't
really invest in really becomingstudents of things, then we
don't really grow and change.
And so I really believe that wehave to be students of and Gil
said it we have to be studentsof the other person, but we also
(47:45):
have to be a student of ourself, of and gil said it we have to
be students of the other person,but we also have to be a
student of ourselves.
Speaker 1 (47:51):
Yeah, so, before we wrap up, we just wanted to say
thank you guys for just well,the love and the hearts and the
thumbs ups and all those things.
We ask you to share thisinformation with people.
This video, this link, pointthem to it, because we learn by
growing and sharing and gettingnew information that we didn't
have, and started practicing.
And remember, if you're athinker, feeler visionary
(48:14):
director these are your styles.
Know what your style is and howyou can actually apply to your
relationship to get better atyour relationship.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
You can go to the app and the marriage mentors rich
are in the Google or Apple appstore and thank you for
listening.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Thank you for your investment in time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (48:40):
Or you can always find us on our website at rich
relationships, uscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore
healthy relationships.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
My name is Renee and I'm Gil from the Rich
Relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Refuge, and today we're going to show you about
your communication style.
You got your phone out, babe,yes, okay.
So we have an app.
It's called Marriage Mentors,rich RR.
Today we're going to show youabout your communication style.
You got your phone out, babe,yes, okay.
So we have an app.
It's called Marriage Mentors,rich RR, and we have already
gone through and done ourassessment.
So I know what my communicationstyle is and we're going to
show you what it looks like onthe app.
(00:40):
So, if you haven't already goneonto the app and gotten your
communication style, the app iscalled marriage mentors, rich rr
.
And um, my communication style.
There's four different typesand I know this may be something
that's new to a lot of you all.
We want to make sure that we'reshowing you how your
(01:01):
communication, what it lookslike in real world.
So my communication style is Iam a director and we're going to
explain what that is, but we'regoing to give you some examples
of what it looks like, so giveus in the app right now.
This is what it looks like inthe app store.
And, babe, what's yourcommunication?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
style.
I am a thinker as you can see.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
it says that it shows you what you are, and so we're
going to give you some examplesof what it looks like in a
conversation when you have adirector and a thinker.
We're going to show you thatnext, but first we're going to
show you what the communicationstyles all look like.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
So when you actually do the assessment through the
app, once you finish with it, itactually is going to give you
some breakdowns of thecommunication styles.
So everything that we're goingto be going through today is
actually going to be shown andthat you can actually see here
in the assessment that youactually get through the app
(02:04):
that actually is going to breakdown some, through the app that
actually is going to break downsome of the things that we're
going to actually be talkingabout today?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Yes, because we're going to describe what they are,
excuse me, and we're also goingto show you their growth, their
strengths and their growthareas.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
But why don't we talk a little bit about why they are
?
Speaker 2 (02:23):
important.
Okay, so we're going to talkabout why we're doing it this
way now, because we used to do alot more where we were talking
about topics and talking aboutdifferent things you need to
know.
But we realized that we havegotten so many calls from
couples in need and it has beena lot of guys calling us calls
(02:46):
from couples in need.
And it has been a lot of guyscalling us.
And so I said, babe, why don'twe show people how to, versus
telling them what, when and butshow them how to.
And so our videos are not goingto be geared more towards
showing you how to communicate,but we want to start off with
you knowing your communicationstyle, because we realize that
most of the struggles that wehave in relationships start with
(03:08):
us, and so if I don't know mycommunication style, I
definitely don't know myhusband's communication style.
So we want to make sure we'restarting off here with you
knowing your own personalcommunication style so, when you
think about your communicationstyle, why is that actually
important?
Speaker 1 (03:22):
it's important because you tend to communicate
with people in your style.
So, for instance, if you are adirector, you're going to be
more direct in how you actuallytalk to people.
If you're a thinker, you'regoing to be more analytical in
what you think.
And then guess what?
You're going to actuallycommunicate to that person in
your style, which means they maynot get it or they may get a
(03:44):
little frustrated with youbecause you kind of give them
way too much information.
Or, as a director, you may be alittle bit too direct in what
you're saying.
The visionary is the type thatactually goes through and always
talking about the pie in thesky, and always talking about
the future and things like thatand the vision.
Well, sometimes you want thedetails, you know so.
(04:05):
And then the the feeler.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
The feeler, I love to say the feeler is like music.
They're kind of all over theplace.
They kind of are really in tune.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
They're very social, and so we want to make sure that
we explain what they all are,and so you want to show them
what they are actually and yeah,as we go through some of the
scenarios and some of the thingsthat we wanted to talk about,
we actually talk about it fromthe perspective of visuals.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
I'm a visual learner so when we have the visual
learning things.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
We actually built some signs and that we're
actually going to be talking.
And while we're talking, we'regoing to show you what the style
is, and you'll maybe hear someof the things that are being
said that actually correspondwith the style.
So when you hear it, you'relike so that's why it makes
sense, so that's the thinker,that's the director, that's the
(04:58):
visionary, and then we're goingto be talking.
That's the thinker.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
So I said it thinker, thinker, visionary, director
and feeler yes, and so we'regoing to give some scenarios,
we're going to kind of do somerole playing.
We kind of have some littlethings written out and so
basically, the reason why wethought this was important,
because so many times, okay, youhear that, but what does it
(05:23):
look like in real life.
So the first ones we're goingto be doing, um is going to be
the thinker and it's going to bea thinker to a thinker.
So the people these are goingto be two thinkers talking to
each other, and so and so thisone.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
We're going to use the scenario of like if you're
planning a vacation, if you getready to go on a vacation, a
planner may say things, athinker a thinker may say things
like they would go into detailabout when it comes to the
vacation itself and saying hey,babe, I think we should go on
the vacations, and before we go,I've sat down and I analyzed
(06:00):
the cost, I did a lot of theresearch and I thought about
some of the places that weshould go, because it's
important to think about thebudget when we decide where we
want to go, just so we can havea good time.
But we can also know wherewe're going and how we're going
to get there, and it's going tobe very more detailed in the
planning.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
And then um, and Renee's response that sounds
very logical, but are we goingto leave some time out for
relaxation?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
very logical, but are we going to leave some time out
for relaxation?
So I hear what you're saying,but I'm going to be more focused
on the analytical and the, theactual deals and how, the, the
planning side of things.
So it's going to be verythinking oriented and what's so
important when you think aboutor you talk to someone that is a
thinker, those are things thatyou have to be conscious of,
that they are going to befocused on the details of things
(06:48):
when they are talking thebudget, the schedule, staying on
time, making sure that the list, everything is checked off of
the list those are the kinds ofthings that a thinker would
would be very concerned about.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Let's talk about another scenario with the
thinker.
We're still talking about thethinker Gil, have you thought
about us getting that new carthat?
Speaker 1 (07:10):
new vehicle.
Well, again, hey, babe, I'vebeen doing a lot of research and
I've been thinking about thecost of what it's going to take
to go from the vehicle thatwe're in to the next vehicle,
and I'm thinking that, based onthat, these are the things that
I want.
I want good gas mileage.
I want it to be economical forrepairs.
I want it to actually be cheapto insure.
(07:31):
I'm going to provide Renee witha lot of the details of the
things that I'm actuallythinking about.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Yeah.
And then it says, as long as itworks.
I think we should just move onand just get past the whole
thinking process, the whole partof the process of making the
decision.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
And I would understand that.
But I'm still going to do theresearch and I may be slow to
pull the trigger of buying thenew vehicle because I'm doing so
much research.
Again, we're talking about thethinker, the thinker.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
And so what we want to do now is we want to tell you
some of the growth areas andsome of the strengths.
So these are the strengths ofthe thinker, the thinker, and so
what?
we want to do now is we want totell you some of the growth
areas and some of the strengths.
So these are the strengths ofthe thinker Go ahead, okay.
They're good at putting thingsin order, they take time and
they have a talent forprioritizing and problem solving
.
They make objective,logic-based decisions, they tend
(08:22):
to be brief and business-like,they value accuracy and
precision, they treat peoplefairly, they follow policies and
rules and they are good atproblem solving.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Now, why is all this important for you to know when
we talk about it from the growtharea?
Because when we talk aboutgrowth, the strengths or the
strengths, I'm sorry, thestrengths of someone that is a
thinker is because you want toknow, and the more information
you have about how they processthe information, it's going to
be easier for you to understandwhere they're coming from.
(08:55):
But just like we have strengths, we actually have growth areas
and things that we have to bethinking about.
As a thinker I can be overlycautious about sometimes and I
can be actually slow to makedecisions when it comes to
anything, because I'm alwaysthinking about as much as I
possibly can to make the bestdecision.
Yes, I see Renee smiling becauseshe knows what it is.
(09:17):
We were going over this andtalking about this information
and we were like, okay, wow,this, when you talk about it, we
already know this.
But when you talk about it, itreinforces and it kind of say,
yeah, that's me, I have to mightnot see the forest for the
trees I might miss the forestfor the trees?
yes, absolutely, and sometimesyou can actually hurt others
with your feelings.
(09:38):
Why does that?
Why is that important?
Because if I'm always thinkingabout the plans, I can actually
miss the intent and the peopleof what I'm actually talking
about, and we might not giveenough positive.
People who are thinkers tend tosee the negative a lot easier
of a situation than they do apositive, and then we have a
(10:00):
knack for remembering thepolicies and hearing to the
rules and the attention todetail, and you know so.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Those are some of the things that you have to think
about when it comes to a thinker, a thinker so we gave you two
scenarios so you can kind of seehow, when you're talking to a
thinker, how a thinkercommunicates.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
So a thinker is going to communicate with long drawn
out thoughts, thought process soyou think about that when, just
like what we're trying to dohere is give you the how, when
you are, if you realize that youare a thinker type of
communicator, that's somethingthat you've got to be
consciously aware of, becauseyou're going to communicate in
(10:39):
your style, so we thank you forall the the thumbs up.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Right there, you guys are here, if you got any
questions, put them in the chat.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Put them in the chat and we're just sharing the
information with you.
But if you think of somethingthat's actually beneficial, that
you want to actually talk about, by all means just put it in
the chat yes, and next one.
The next one is directors thedirector all my directors, all
the people who are just as theysay straight no chaser.
The next one.
The next one is Directors, thedirectors, all my directors, all
the people who are just as theysay straight no chaser.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
This is you, so if you are a, director in your
communication style.
We're very direct.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
And you know, she say we I am a director.
Yes, renee is a director.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
I'm a director, so here she goes with her scenario
of what it may look like in realworld, and this is probably how
I really would do it too.
Yeah, hey, babe, we're ordering, we're planning an event and I
got everything together.
I got everybody's name done, Igot all the pros figured out,
everybody.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
I know what everybody needs to do, and so would you
handle setting up the table,sure I'm actually going to set
up the table and, as as I thinkabout remember, I was a thinker
I'm, as I think about, yes,getting the table set up, I'll
take care of it and I'll get itdone, like right now.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
OK, well, make sure you keep it.
So it's like I'm going to befocused, you're going to be
focused on the details and I'mgoing to be focusing on making
sure that everything is done andstraight to the point, and a
lot of times I don't want to geta lot of details, I'm thinking
about just the bottom line.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
And by that I'm going to make sure that, as we do
this, I'm going to make surethat we are keeping things
moving along in a fashion that'sgoing to be accomplishing what
we set out to do when it comesto the overall, the goal.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Yeah, so we'll use another one.
Another one is we need to getthe roof repaired.
Hey, babe, the roof needs to berepaired, and so I've gotten
some people together, andwhoever gets in touch with us
first is going to be the personwe're going to use.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
How about this?
We don't waste a lot of timewhen it comes to researching and
doing all the things of who'sgoing to do the work.
How don't we just figure outand get it done as soon and as
fast as we possibly can?
Speaker 2 (12:53):
I think that would be good.
So let's do that, and let's notwaste time on thinking about
all the ways that things can gowrong, and so let's just move
forward and make the decision sowe need to be get it done, get
it moving, so we can get thisroof repaired and we can move on
yes, I would like that, so aswe talk about the director and
(13:13):
we're talking.
In these scenarios, this is adirector talking to a director.
So right now, this is just twodirectors talking to each other,
and so some of the strengths ofa director they're resourceful
and determinate.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
They actually are practical and they are very down
to earth in what they think andwhat they feel they're very
talented at getting things done.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
they make decisions quick, based on facts and past
experiences.
Focus on actions, results andrewards Easy.
Enjoy the present moment, worksteadily and realistic, without
taking account of long-termresults.
(13:56):
So just like.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
those are some of the positive attributes when you
think about somebody who's theirdirector, because they're going
to get things done in a quickand a timely fashion.
But just like you have thestrengths, you actually have
some growth areas that canbecome obstacles when you talk
about your communication styles.
They can be very impulsive inhow they say and get things done
(14:20):
.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
They can be very competitive and normally I would
say for me as a director, I'mcompeting with my last project.
I'm not competing with anotherperson, I'm competing with my
last project that I completedthey can be very aggressive.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
They can be very aggressive, they can be very
impatient, they can disregardthe long term consequences of
their actions and theirdecisions and under stress they
may alienate other people, andthat's a real deal, because if
you are a director, will be moreinclined to just take care of
it themselves, especially whenit comes to something that they
(14:56):
want done in a quick and in atimely fashion.
They may be poor listeners andthey often interrupt when
somebody is talking because theyactually want to get their
point across, and they mightcreate messes that other people
actually have to clean up, andthat's only because they are so
(15:17):
focused on the bottom line andgetting it done.
It's those details that getoverlooked and missed.
That can also cause a problemlong term.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
So that's what the director actually looks like.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
So these are our directors.
So when we talk about this,what we're sharing with you guys
today is the communicationstyles that you can find If
you're just joining us.
We're talking about thecommunication styles of
individuals that you can find onour app called Marriage Mentors
Rich Relationships.
So this is actually anassessment that you can actually
(15:49):
do to help you become not onlyaware of, but also what you can
actually do when it comes tocommunicating with the other.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Now, if you guys have some scenarios or questions you
want to ask, please feel freeto communicating with the other.
Now, if you guys have somescenarios or questions you want
to ask, please feel free to putin the chat.
We're going to have a timewhere we're going to do that,
but right now we're just tryingto go through all of them so you
guys can see, maybe understand,what your communication style
is, and then we're going to showyou right now we're just
showing you that eachcommunication style to the same
communication style, and thennext we're just showing you that
each communication style to thesame communication style, and
(16:18):
then next we're going to showyou them to each other and then
we're going to let you guys askquestions and really engage you
guys as far.
So, keep you thinking aboutquestions.
You have things you want toknow.
If there's someone you thinkneeds to be watching this, share
it with them, having to come onand join us right now because
we are live and we are going to,you know, answer your questions
and, um, give some example.
(16:39):
You get asked questions andwe'll give you some examples.
So the next one is now.
These are not.
Most people have a secondaryand a primary, and so my primary
is a director, my secondary isvisionary.
What's your secondary?
Uh, feeler?
Yes, okay, so we're gonna.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
What's the next one?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
so the next one is we did the director, we did the
thinker.
The next one is the.
I want to say it's the feelerthe feeler boom.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
So all where my feelers at, this is all you,
this is just for you.
This is what maybe aconversation may sound like as
you're going through and how youcan actually apply this to your
relationships.
When it comes to this, howabout when you're planning a get
together?
So, hey, babe, I was thinkingabout inviting some people over
to the house and have a goodtime, just hang out for the
(17:31):
weekend.
How do you think they are allfeeling when they're about doing
it?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
Well, I think that we need to check in with them and
make sure that everybody isgoing to be OK and everyone is
going to be doing wellemotionally.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
You know what that probably makes sense, that we
would actually want to checkwith them before and just to
make sure they are actuallyavailable and so uncomfortable
and that they actually feelwelcome.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
I think that would be really important, yeah, so this
is a feelers.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
So how about we share some of this?
Before we go to scenario two,let's go through the strengths,
so they can hear some of thethings that we actually talk
about.
So the strengths of a feelers.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Oh, they're talent for empathizing and creating
harmony, are naturally friendlyand have a good sense of humor,
take the intentions of othersinto consideration and they
treat each person uniquely.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Now, just like that.
You have those strengths, butthere are some growth areas that
feelers have to be conscious ofwhen it comes to communicating.
In their feelings, they canoverly personalize situations.
They make things very personalwhen it may not be.
Their relationships can havecloudy judgment.
You know their relationshipscan be cloudy judgments.
(18:58):
They might overlook theimportant details because
they're only thinking about howsomething feels versus how it
actually needs to be handled.
The lack of planning canactually cause disorganization.
Again, if you're alwaysthinking about your feelings,
about every situation and everytime you communicate, there are
going to be some details andsome disorganization.
(19:18):
That is usually going to be thebyproduct of some of the things
that may happen when it comesto communication, and you may
this is something that isactually.
You may spend too much timesocializing.
Sometimes.
You have to get straight to thedetails.
Don't always be so focused onthe relational aspect of your
communication than it is,forgetting about what you
(19:39):
actually want to accomplish.
And if you ask a feeler, howare you Just guess what they're
going to actually tell youprobably more than you ever
wanted to know about how theyactually feel.
So these are some of the thingsto think about as we talk about
the scenarios of what feelersactually go through.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
And so we're going to talk about a scenario where
we're helping a friend through atough time.
You know, Lisa has been goingthrough a real rough patch.
I think we need to do somethingto support her.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
You know that actually makes sense.
Why don't we kind of reach outto her and see how we can
support her and see what we cando to help her when it comes to
what she's going through?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
I think that would be good, and we need to make sure
we also ask her what she needsand what are some of the things
that we can do that wouldsupport her.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
But I think we also got to make sure we create a
safe space for her to be able toshare and open up about how she
feels and what's really goingon.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Yeah, I think that would be really good.
It'll maybe help her with thedecision-making process.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
So good It'll make me help her with the decision
making process.
So that's how something thatyou can approach somebody who's
a feeler and thinking about howtheir communication style.
So we've already shared withyou the director, the thinker,
the feeler.
And as you think about theseand hear these, think about the
people that are in your life andwhether it's your significant
other, your spouse, or even yourchildren, or even your friends
and extended friends, thinkabout what their communication
styles are and some of thecharacteristics and some of the
traits and attributes that we'vedescribed here.
(21:05):
As we're sharing this in this,this session of the rich
relationship, live how to, thehow to, we're gonna focus more
on that, and so the last one isthe visionary all my visionary
people.
These are the people who are wayup there, always thinking about
the future.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Yes, you know I've been brainstorming about a new
project, about a ministry forcouples.
You know that we could probablyreally really help them and it
could make a big impact in thefuture.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
You know that's a good idea, but I also think we
have to sit down and think aboutwhat is it that we really want
to accomplish with them when itcomes to what the vision looks
like, what the actual ministryis actually going to be?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Okay, I love that.
I think that we should startplanning and see how we can
bring it to life.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
So my visionary people.
How about I share some of theexcuse me, some of the strengths
of a visionary?
They seem to see into thefuture and are good at long-term
, long-range plans, just likeall the things that we've been
doing with Rich Relationship.
Renee is very good at that.
This is her secondary, becauseit's always future leaning,
future focus, future looking atyou actually learn to love new
(22:18):
skills.
If you're a visionary, you loveto learn new skills.
You have a great imaginationand you focus on how things can
be improved and you're able toidentify creative solutions in a
fresh way.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah.
So you know, just like a coin,there's a flip side to that.
But we're going to give youanother scenario and then we'll
give you the growth areas.
Oh, we did two, we already didthe two the project and we did
the Nope.
We didn't do that, Dreamingabout the future.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
Yeah, dreaming about future goals.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Okay, so I really want to create a program for
couples where you can go awayand do retreats.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
You want to do retreat.
Well, that's a good bondingexperience.
That may be a good idea wherewe can think about what steps do
we need to take to actually getthere.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Well, you can think about that, and then I'm going
to plan all the details of whatthat would look like for the
future to plan all the detailsof what that would look like for
the future.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
How about we sit down and come up with a plan that
we'd actually can sit down andlook at what that vision may
look like in reality?
Okay, I think that would begreat so that's something that
it may sounds right, but thenyou have some growth areas that
you may want to focus on too.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
You want to share that with them yes, so these are
some of the growth areas of thevisionary.
Uh, visionaries can beabsent-minded and scatterbrained
because they're always thinkingabout the future and not the
present.
Um, they're, they're.
They have long-term vision withshort-term action.
They avoid the nitty-gritty andhate prolonged deadlines.
(23:56):
Um, they're very hard to read.
They may come across assuperior, arrogant or conceited,
may have a hard time followingup on tasks and may
procrastinate.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
That's actually a big one procrastination, because if
you think about procrastinating, even in a communication
scenario of where you areputting off a conversation that
you may need to have withsomeone, that can cause a
problem long term with someonein their communication style.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
So and the reason why we want to show it from,
because if you listen to thescenarios we're using it's ideal
, you know we're we're bothagreeable and we're not
disagreeing, and it's not.
There's no escalation, becauseall we want to show you in this
is to show you what thecommunication style looks like.
Gil is a thinker.
(24:48):
Yes, I am a director.
He is secondary feeler, I amsecondary visionary, and so this
week we're just talking aboutcommunication styles, but next
week we're going to talk aboutwhat communication is, because
one of the things that wasmentioned about the visionary is
they can be aggressive, and wealways talk about there's never
(25:10):
need to be aggressive, we shouldonly be assertive.
And so, in real life, when wehave situations, we want to help
you to get the foundation ofknowing your communication style
and then normal communicationis, and then go into conflict
resolution, because do youunderstand why this is so
important in helping us to havebetter communication and have?
(25:32):
Because without communicationyou won't have good conflict
resolution.
And what we're seeing is so manytimes couples are struggling
and they think that it's aproblem with money, when really
it's how they communicate, it'show they think about money,
because you may see it one way.
I may see it another way.
So we want to make sure thatwe're showing you how to.
(25:52):
Well, how do you, as a directorand a thinker, how do you come
up with the budget?
You know how do you do thosethings?
Well, we sit down and we talkabout it, and I already know
that gil is going to be thinkingabout things I don't think
about and I'm going to bethinking about the big picture
and saving and so a part of itwhere you can go into an
(26:13):
understanding that you're goingto see it different, then it
makes it a little bit easier foryou.
That automatically kind of,because I think some of the
escalation comes from just notknowing and not understanding
and so when you don't understandyour own communication style,
it can make it really difficultto really navigate that with
someone else yep, so we talked alittle bit about these
(26:36):
communication styles in just amade-up situation or something
like that.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
but we're going to share with you guys our style
and how we actually havenavigated some of the things and
some of the choices anddecisions, and we're going to
have our little signs up,because renee is a director and,
if I'm a thinker, this is howit actually looks like because,
remember, you tend tocommunicate in your style to
other people, but I think theproblem is that you expect for
(27:03):
the other person to communicateback to you in your style.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
And I'm not going to communicate back to him in his
style.
I'm going to communicate to himin my style.
And so when I understand thathe's going to communicate in his
style, I'm going to communicatein my style.
Then that way it kind of setsup so these little signs make it
easier.
But in real life you don't havethese signs.
But through the years we havelearned that he's going to be
thinking and I'm going to bedirecting.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
So, just like the scenario we used already about
the new car, this is somethingthat we were thinking about.
Hey babe, I'm thinking about usgetting a new car.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
And one of the things we always tell our couples
whenever we always look at eachother.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
We normally do, but we know we're talking to you
guys.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
Just remember that whenever we're having a
conversation, we're alwayslooking at each other, because
that's really important to givethe other person full eye
contact and your undividedattention.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Not this.
Yeah, babe, I hear you, I hearyou yeah that's a no, no Okay.
So if we're thinking of, I'mactually going to be jumping
back and forth.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
We just explained it.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Thinking about buying a new car and I've actually
started doing research onactually what is the best
economical way, what is going tobe the long-term, something
that we can keep for a littlewhile, something that's going to
be cost-effective when it comesto long-term maintenance
effective when it comes tolong-term maintenance.
I'm going to be providing herwith a lot of the details of the
research, of what I'm thinkingabout, not because I'm trying to
(28:31):
convince her, but I'm trying totalk out the things that I'm
thinking about.
That's going to help me make adecision when it comes to buying
this new car.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
And in the beginning it drove me crazy because I was
like oh my gosh, why so so manywords?
Speaker 1 (28:47):
just tell me what you want so and so she would say
that, but maybe not in thatmatter I wouldn't say it.
I would just say that's a lotyes but what would some of your
responses be just like?
If I come to you with that, ifI came to you with just the
details of this new car that I'mthinking about getting and all
that?
Speaker 2 (29:06):
one of the things I know about gil if he's come to
me and telling me something, hehas already done a whole, whole,
whole, because he kind ofmentioned it casually.
Hey, babe, you want a new car.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
I was like no, and how long ago was that?
Speaker 2 (29:20):
It was about a few months ago, a few months, so he
was trying to plant the seed inmy head that I needed a new car.
I was like I want a new car.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
I'm good.
But again, it helps me to talkthings out to her, just so I
feel like I'm looking at all thedifferent obstacles or
different situations anddifferent circumstances.
But, just like Renee said, thatcan be frustrating to her.
If I'm a thinker and I'mtalking to a director where she
(29:48):
wants the bottom line, she wouldprobably prefer me to say hey,
babe, we're getting a new car,this is the one that I want us
to get, this is why I want us toget it and this is a time frame
I want us to get it in.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Yeah, I guess I mean, the thing that he said that got
me was it's electric.
So, and the thing that he saidthat got me was it's electric, I
said, oh see, you should haveled with that, because I am like
super, super, super cheap, andso if he would have just led
with, hey, babe, I'm thinkingabout getting an electric car.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Oh, ok, see, but me I have to talk it out.
So if you are a communicator,and when you're communicating in
your style to someone else,sometimes remember those growth
areas.
All the details can beoverwhelming and frustrating.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
And this is why I said in the short, I said what
if your communication style is atrigger for the other person?
Not the communication styleitself itself, but the growth
area?
Sometimes gill's growth areastrigger my growth areas, because
(30:54):
if I have to learn how and thething that is so funny about
this, because when I was reallyreally studying this and going
through it, one of my biggestgrowth areas is being impulsive
and one of his biggest growthareas is that he is slow to make
decisions overly cautious tomake decisions.
(31:15):
I said, oh my gosh.
I said so.
Just learning this kind ofstuff gives you insight into the
other, to yourself and theother person and then you start
understanding.
Oh so that's why that bothersme.
It's not him, it's me.
And so the more you understandyour growth areas, because most
of the time.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
We know our strengths , you know we know all the good
things.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Oh yeah, I'm young, I'm good, I'm good at making
decisions and I'm talented aboutgetting things done yeah, but
we need to focus on the growthareas, and the thing that I'm
always very conscious of isbeing aggressive, because we
first started dating I was super, super aggressive, and so I, I
(31:59):
and I still have to be mindful,because that's in here and so
and I would even say to thatover the years we I have learned
to navigate and not not confuseRenee's normal, the way she
communicates with her heartfulintentions of being aggressive
towards me.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
And this is the thing .
These are your communicationstyles.
This is not your character,this is not your personality.
This is just the way youcommunicate.
We haven't even gotten to allof that.
We're just talking about yourcommunication.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
So just the way you use your words and put them
together in sentences can be aproblem in relationships and the
reason why we're actually doingthis in this manner is we get a
lot of calls and renee we'rejust talking about this over the
last couple weeks that we'vegotten a lot of calls over the
last couple of weeks about howto fix things when things have
(32:53):
gone off track.
Well, if you're aware of thingsbefore they get off track, or
you're conscious and you'reinsightful into the things that
can be problems before they areproblems, it can help you long
because they we don't want youto get to the point where you
say, how do I fix it?
Well, the way you fix it is bybeing proactive in your approach
(33:14):
to things, and especially whensomeone you're in relationship
with.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
The one of the greatest way for you to fix it
is to work on you yep one of thethings that I think that people
don't share enough aboutmarriage and good relationships
is I am constantly focusing onwhat I need to do better to grow
and mature and get better, andI'm reading the Bible every day
(33:38):
and I'm reading books and I'masking you and if you're not
doing that, that's what makesrelationships erode.
You have to be doing a realserious look at.
You have to be very aware ofwhat you bring to every
relationship.
That is unhealthy and it worklike I know, okay, so I'm
impulsive, okay, so how do Iwork on that?
(33:59):
You know?
Let's just I would use anexample procrastination.
That's something I strugglewith for a lot of years, so you
know what I tell myself now.
Now means it gets done later,means I forget.
That's not something you mademe do.
I have to do it.
So if I'm working on what Ineed to work on because I know
the areas where I'm struggling,I'm impatient, I disregard
(34:20):
long-term consequences.
I'm giving you an example ofwhat that means.
If you know, if you don't paythe light bill today, the lights
is going to be turned off.
Guess what?
That's a part of the way you'recommunicating.
That's affecting the way you dothings, and so the more you are
aware of how you communicateand how it affects you as a
(34:41):
person, then the more you'regoing to say you know.
And then, when I know mine,then guess what I can learn his.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
But just knowing mine is enough to really make our
relationship better and onething that I want to, before we
go on to the other two, is thecommunity, excuse me,
communication is probably theone topic that everybody would
probably willing to say thatthey can do and that they have
been doing, because just becausewe're talking don't mean we're
necessarily communicatingeffectively, and this is all a
(35:09):
part of a learned skill.
That you actually can do whenit comes to your communication
is become a student of the otherstyles, because that's going to
make you more diverse when youcommunicate and interact with
other people outside of yourstyle, if that makes sense yeah,
and that's so important, so wegot the so director and the
(35:31):
thinker and you got thevisionary and the feeling, and
these are our secondaries.
These are our secondary oneswhen it comes to each other and
in our communication style.
So we're going to talk about itin the perspective of how about
this?
A new business venture, from avisionary's perspective?
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Well, of course, I have this thing that I want to
do.
That's bigger than what I'mthinking about, and I think that
has been probably somethingthat I have had to learn.
Hey, babe, you know what I wantto do?
I want to build a tinycommunity Because I want to make
sure that everybody that welove and care about have some
place to live that's affordableand that's nice, and they get to
(36:14):
go to good schools.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
That's a great idea and remember, I'm going to
vacillate between my primary,which is a thinker, and a
feeling.
I agree with that 100% becausethat pulls on my heartstrings to
know that people don't have aplace to live.
They should have a place tolive, that's nice.
That's nice, but it's also safeand all those things that
(36:35):
actually make sense, and I lovethat you have the vision for
that, but you also have to thinkabout what is it going to take
for us to get there?
What are some of the thingsthat we're going to have to do
and accomplish?
Maybe we're going to have tochange in order for that to come
to pass.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
Yes, I agree.
Speaker 1 (36:53):
So thinking about my feelings and how it feels is one
thing, but I go back to thelong term thinking process of my
primary Right.
Because when you, because it'sboth of these married right,
because when you, because it's,it's both of these.
So so, if these are ours, we'regoing to go back and forth,
depending on the topic, thesituation, the conversation, the
(37:17):
circumstance, your mood, howyou feel the time of day, what
you're going to talk about ifyou're hungry, if you're angry,
if you lost.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
All those things affect your communication.
So when you're interacting withanother person, there's a lot
of moving parts and a lot ofdynamics that you don't are not
aware of in the background.
So if you're always thinkingabout the fact that you have two
styles that you go between andthis other person has two, so it
is.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
So when it's two people, it's really four
different dynamics you have totake into consideration, and so
if you go into a kind ofunderstanding that it makes it,
I think it allows you to giveeach other grace absolutely, and
I want to give you guys ascenario and we have things
written down, but we just feellike, as we're talking to you
guys, things are coming to ourmind and real scenario, real
(38:08):
life, real life moment when wemove here back to San Antonio.
It was a stressful time,remember, I'm a feeler.
This is my secondary.
I started having feelings ofanxiety and trouble sleeping and
all those are feelings, guesswhat.
Even though I was in my head,this is how I was actually
(38:29):
feeling.
And if I come to Renee with myfeelings and trying to
communicate to her how I feltabout this upcoming move, all
the things that we had to do andall the things that we were
trying to accomplish, with whatit takes to move cross country,
it can be very stressful.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
So I'm always thinking about the feelings.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
So if I'm talking to her from a feeling perspective,
it can be challenging and it canbe difficult.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
But I think a part of what I've had to learn is
feelings are feelings.
Feelings aren't facts.
Feelings, feelings aren't facts.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
And so what I try to do when you come to me and you
have a whole lot of feelingsgoing on, it's helping you to
feel faith and love and not fearand anger that's good that's
good, because when you havethose feelings, this is a time
where you want to align yourselfwith this person that you in
this long-term relationship with, just so you can not only
(39:32):
balance each other out but bethere for each other in the way
that they need, not how you wantto deliver it.
But how do I need Renee torespond to me when I'm in my
feelings, or when I'm in emotion, or I'm in a mood, or I have
something that I'm notnecessarily thinking about, but
how I'm in my feelings, or whenI'm in emotion, or I'm in a mood
, or I have something that I'mnot necessarily thinking about,
but how I'm actually feeling.
This is the time where I wanther to not necessarily be this
(39:55):
director.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
No well, guess what, sometimes, when she's feeling
that way, she's gonna be very Ihave to get into my feelings and
get me getting into my feelingsis a really big difficult,
especially since I've gonethrough menopause so you still
got them.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
They're just a little , I got them they're just really
super surprised.
So that's something, the thingthat we want to just share with
you.
So in this last few minutes Iknow this time goes by so fast.
I'm looking at the clock hereand it's been like almost 45
minutes that we've been talkinghere and we thank you guys for
hanging out with us on thisSaturday afternoon, so we're
going to give you guys some time.
I'm looking at the questions.
So we want to see here and Ithank you for some of the
(40:33):
comments that you're actuallyputting down and I'm looking at
some of them here now.
So, Ms D, thank you for this.
Oh, this is good Say thecharacter for the communication
style.
Yes, style yes and I thought Iseen a question here earlier.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
Let me scroll down here.
Okay, you have.
Okay, go ahead.
No, go ahead.
You were gonna say if you guysare watching now or in the
future and you have a question,please put it in the chat oh,
here's one.
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Here's a question, I see.
Okay, uh, from miss uh, is thatria de speaks?
Speaker 2 (41:03):
oh, that's miss reed, that you know who that is.
Speaker 1 (41:05):
Yeah, so I'm gonna read the question can you be a
director and a feeler as well?
Speaker 2 (41:11):
you can, you can and I think that you're, I think
that your community.
You can be a feeler and adirector.
You can be.
You can be a feeler and adirector.
You can be all there, any ofthese combinations.
You can be a feeler and athinker, you can be a visionary
and a feeler.
(41:31):
I mean you, everyone'scommunication style.
I really think that when I wasyounger, I think I was a feeler,
but I think that as, as I'vegrown and and as you mature, I
think that because I think thatreally you should have a little
bit of all of these in you inorder to be able to really get
along with everyone.
But I think you're going tohave a primary, just like with
(41:54):
the love languages.
There's five love languages.
You're going to have a primaryand a secondary, but you should
be aware of all of them.
So, with your communicationstyle, yes, you can be a feeler
and a thinker or a thinker, andthere's no one set combination,
and so it's just a matter of youkind of doing the assessment
(42:14):
and learning it.
And I know for me, because ofwhat we do, I have to be mindful
.
I have to be very careful withfeelers, because I can hurt
feelers feelings really, reallybad because I'm I can be too
direct and and I had to learnthat when we started doing this.
I realized, man, I'm making alot of people feel really bad.
(42:35):
So whatever your communicationstyle is, you need to know what
yours is and then kind of havean understanding of somebody
else is there another question?
Speaker 1 (42:42):
any question, then, and just some of the things that
you were just talking about thereason why we're doing this and
trying to shift, not justtalking about a topic, not just
talking about all the thingsabout communication and but just
giving you some real concretethings that, hopefully, you can
hold on to and that you canbecome more aware of is, when
you are in relationship withsomeone, the more information
(43:03):
and tools that you have this isa this is tools that you can put
in your toolbox, like we tellour couples.
That's going to make you betterwhen it comes to the
relationships, that you have tobe more conscious of how you
interact and some of the thingsthat you may have said or are
currently saying to people thatyou care about.
To be a better communicator Notcommunicating again in your
(43:25):
style, but communicating to them.
To most of all, to is the goalis to be understood.
The more you are understood andwhat you're trying to
communicate.
That's the goal.
That's what you want to getacross to this person.
Sometimes you're going to havethose disagreements, sometimes
you're going to have things thatyou just don't accept, but it's
always vitally important thatyou are heard and that you are
(43:48):
understood.
Speaker 2 (43:49):
And the thing that I think that's important, that we
and we'll talk more about, we'lleventually get to conflict
resolution.
And we'll eventually get to,because the next thing we're
going to do is whatcommunication is, because active
listening and assertive speech.
We're going to give someexamples of what that looks like
and show you how, because a lotof things that we've taught, I
(44:11):
think that people still don'tunderstand how to do it.
You know they don't know.
Well, how do I do that?
What does that look like?
You know, how do you guys getalong?
Well, we don't just get along oncamera, we get along in life,
because these are the kind ofthings that we come into the
relationship, these tools thathelp us to be prepared, and so
(44:32):
when people are showing youthese videos, but they're not
showing you how they're doing it, I think that that's doing them
a diss.
I think we're doing adisservice.
So I think that if there'ssomething that we know how to do
, we should show how we do it,and so that was something that
the lord gave us.
We kind of had some time offand and the lord shows the
visionary, she comes up withthis stuff.
(44:53):
Y'all, I just participate I waslike, lord, how do we really
reach people and make adifference and make an impact?
And he was like show them howto stop telling people.
I think to me, and I think that, as believers, I think we talk
too much, we don't show enough,and so I believe that you know,
and the Bible says may the wordsof your mouth and meditation of
(45:13):
your heart be pleasing to mysight.
So that means that it'ssomething you can see.
So I think that we need to showpeople what it means to have a
God-honored relationship.
And is it scripture?
Yes.
Is it skills?
Yes.
Is it community?
Yes.
Is it doing something different?
It's all of those things, andso I appreciate you guys for
(45:35):
being on here and watching andasking questions.
If you're watching now or later, if you have questions, we want
to help you.
We want to provide you withsome how-tos.
We're not going to just um, Iwas talking to a couple and they
were talking about somethingthat's going on.
I was just explaining to them.
I said that's only the symptom,and gil talks about that all he
says all the time.
(45:55):
Most of the time we focus onthe symptom, the biggest
problems that couples have.
We always say there's no suchthing as marriage problems.
There's individual problems youbring into your relationship.
So if I get to know me and Ilearn my communication style, I
learn my personality type, Ilove my, I learn my love
language, I learn my purpose asa, as an individual, I'm going
(46:18):
to be in a better position to bein a relationship with somebody
else, but a lot of the rubcomes from you're trying to
figure out marriage when you'remarried.
There's things you need tofigure out about yourself as an
individual long before you getmarried.
So marriage is just like tryingto I'm going to change the tire
on my car while the car ismoving.
(46:38):
That's not gonna work.
So we need to make sure thatwe're preparing people to be the
best version of themselves assingles, so that when they go
into a relationship, they gointo it with a better
understanding of who they areand what they bring to them.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
And I would even say, even if you're in a
relationship for years and yearsand years, or just starting one
, or just been in one, um, thisis all things that you need to
be consciously aware of rightnow, that you can incorporate
and start practicing now,because we've been together 36
years this year as Mary, and weare still constantly practicing
(47:14):
and learning and doing thesethings.
We're not sharing to you thethings that we've done in past
and all that.
We're still doing it.
We're still doing it and justlike even just creating these
cards.
Speaker 2 (47:24):
That's how the Lord showed me.
I was like, oh my gosh,sometimes we don't know what we
don't know, and because we don'tstudy things, because we don't
really invest in really becomingstudents of things, then we
don't really grow and change.
And so I really believe that wehave to be students of and Gil
said it we have to be studentsof the other person, but we also
(47:45):
have to be a student of ourself, of and gil said it we have to
be students of the other person,but we also have to be a
student of ourselves.
Speaker 1 (47:51):
Yeah, so, before we wrap up, we just wanted to say
thank you guys for just well,the love and the hearts and the
thumbs ups and all those things.
We ask you to share thisinformation with people.
This video, this link, pointthem to it, because we learn by
growing and sharing and gettingnew information that we didn't
have, and started practicing.
And remember, if you're athinker, feeler visionary
(48:14):
director these are your styles.
Know what your style is and howyou can actually apply to your
relationship to get better atyour relationship.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
You can go to the app and the marriage mentors rich
are in the Google or Apple appstore and thank you for
listening.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Thank you for your investment in time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (48:40):
Or you can always find us on our website at rich
relationships, uscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
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