May 27, 2024 • 33 mins
What Problems Did you Bring into Your Marriage?
Ever wondered how past traumas can sneak into your current relationships and cause unexpected turmoil? On this episode of the Rich Relationship Podcast, Gil and Renee explore the depths of unresolved issues from the past, using poignant personal stories to illustrate their impact. Get ready to hear about Renee's childhood aversion to oranges and the family dynamics that shaped her views on submission. Plus, discover how past relationship experiences, like the infamous gas station incident, can come back to haunt you if not properly addressed.
Miscommunication and unmet expectations can be silent killers in any relationship. We dive into the necessity of articulating personal needs clearly to avoid misunderstandings and recurring conflicts. Learn practical tips for better communication and the importance of extending grace and empathy. Understand the difference between personal standards and inner vows, and how recognizing these can transform your relationship. Conflict is not just inevitable but can be an opportunity for growth if approached correctly.
Finally, we talk about the importance of God-honoring relationships, particularly in marriage, and the positive role social media can play in showcasing these values. Drawing from our 35 years of marriage and 19 years of working with couples, we emphasize the need for professional mental health support and encourage seeking therapy. Don't miss out on our wealth of content, including 900 videos, books, and live sessions. Thank you for being a part of our journey, and we look forward to connecting with you soon!
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, repair and restore
healthy relationships.
Marriage problems they'reindividual problems that we
bring into our marriage andunfortunately, because we're
married, we don't realize thatthose problems were there before
, because we're married, wedon't realize that those
problems were there before, andit's all.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
And even in this, it's we.
You can always get better atanything as long as you practice
it, especially when you get.
You got to get the reps in, butwhen you get new skills, you
have to apply it to yourrelationship, and so that's what
we're going to be talking about.
So we want to jump in, becausewe usually come on here for
about a half hour and if you gotsomething in the chat, put it
in the chat and we'll see itthere.
And if we don't respond onlinewhile we go on live, we'll
definitely respond in thecomments afterwards, and we'd
(00:54):
like to share with the communityall the things that we talk
about, because we're all atdifferent stages and at
different areas in ourrelationship and we all can get
better at our relationship as weshare these things with you.
So the first one we want totalk about is unresolved past
traumas is number one.
Unresolved past trauma.
Hey, mr Mike, appreciate youjoining us.
Hey, thanks for joining us soyou can talk about the first one
(01:17):
.
You mentioned childhood.
As we were getting ready, reneementioned the childhood stuff
and these are things that youbring into your relationship now
or even in the future.
If you're not in a relationshipthat you need to be conscious
of, that can have an impact onyour relationship.
So you talk about that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And I think a lot of times we don't like.
I was talking about the orangebecause growing up my mom gave
me castor oil with an orange fora long time.
I didn't like oranges becauseit made me think about taking
castor oil with an orange for along time.
I didn't like oranges becauseit made me think about taking
castor oil.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
A bad experience.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Yeah, so my bad experience messed up my
experience with orange.
Well, now, recently, within thepast, I'll say the past few
months I actually like orangesagain, but it took me a long
time to overcome that.
And so sometimes there's thingsthat have happened to you when
you were little, that in yourfrom your past, that are still
affecting you in your present.
And one of the things that wenoticed when we were talking
(02:10):
with and working with couplesover the years and just
consistently, we realized thatand we realized it in ourselves.
Yeah, absolutely, because thereare things that I did, that I
did because I saw my parents doit, and there are things that
Gil did because he started to,and there are things that we
didn't like doing, like I'll useone example was submission.
(02:30):
Submission was a really bigissue for me because the women
in my family were very dominantand very strong, and so we have
to be careful that we don'tallow the way, the things that
we experienced and the thingsthat happened to us in our
childhood to affect us in ourpresent day relationship.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Because you always want to bring the best version
of yourself.
And if you're locked into oryou're being held captive by
some of the past things, thathas happened to you and you
bring it into.
And that's what brings us toanother point about some
unresolved past trauma and Ithink a lot of people can relate
to this is, if you look at it,from your previous relationships
(03:07):
all people or I'll say allagain, I hate those
all-inclusive words, but mostpeople who come into their
relationships it's almostimpossible not to bring some of
the experiences that you've hadin your previous relationships
into your present one.
You know and I'm not saying itfrom a comparison standpoint,
(03:27):
but it's always important to beconscious that you bring them in
.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
You were getting ready to say something I think
about, even though we gotmarried at 21,.
We started dating when we were14, but we started dating
seriously at 18.
I had some bad experiences withprevious relationships and I
think, if we're honest, if therelationship that you were in
before was so great, you wouldnot be in it.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
And there's a reason why relationships end, and so
for me, one of the things I wasused to.
I was used to guys not keepingtheir word Right, so I brought
that into our relationship withGil and I automatically assumed
that if there's any littlevariance in what he said that he
wasn't, but he smiled, I got itBecause every time this comes
up, I always think about.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
I call it the gas station event.
Hey Carolyn, hey, Colin andQueen.
Thank you, Coco, Thanks forjoining us.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Thanks for joining us .
Speaker 1 (04:15):
I always think about this one experience that Renee
to her point that she talkedabout people holding their word
when I was helping a friendwhile I was in high school who
bought a gas station he was hadhadn't hired employees and
anything like that, and so Idecided to go and help him.
But I was supposed to meet upwith Renee at a certain time
(04:46):
yeah, and when I didn't make itthere at that time, I think that
was a previous relationshiptrauma yeah, it reminded me of
that surfaced and and she cameat me in an accusatory manner
like I had done something wrongand I had an honest, legitimate
reason why I was late.
It's not like I didn't show upor did I.
I didn't show up, but I didcall after the fact and we
talked about it.
And at the time you know youcan talk about something and
(05:08):
it'll be just a conflict, but ifyou don't get to the root of
the conflict, it's still goingto just keep resurfacing.
But we talked about it and Idon't even know if it was years
later about I.
You have to look at the person'strack record.
If you had a bad, had aprevious bad experience with
someone in their relationshipand then all of a sudden they do
(05:29):
something.
A new person comes into yourrelationship, say you're in now
and they do some of the oldthings.
You got to look at the trackrecord.
Have they showed you a patternof continuous bad things that
they've done, or growth areas orhowever you want to describe it
?
Are things that remake it, thattrauma kind of resurface?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
yeah, and so a lot of times when we're in new
relationships, we have toevaluate our own heart and say
okay, so let me look at this now.
He did this one thing, but he'sdone 25 good things, so should
I let the one thing thatreminded me of someone else
cancel out all the 25 goodthings that this person has done
?
And so that's how we have to becareful that we don't allow our
(06:08):
past experiences, our past pain, um to to make us not move
forward in relationships.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
If you guys have questions, or you got time in
the community, yeah how has itbeen for you has?
Speaker 2 (06:19):
do you believe that your unresolved past pain or
trauma is affecting how you'removing in relationships today?
Speaker 1 (06:28):
put that in, yeah, put it in the chat, and I see
somebody got a birthday, happybirthday, happy birthday, and so
so we're actually going to moveforward.
So we're talking about marriageproblems, or problems that
you're not necessarily justgoing to have in a marriage, but
even in a relationship well theproblems that people bring into
their relationships andmarriage gets the blame.
Yep, exactly.
So let's talk about the bignumber two, and this is
(06:50):
something unmet expectations.
Yes, you want to start out withthat one.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
I think for women it may be unrealistic and
uncommunicated expectations.
Where men's may be unmet, Ithink for women, ours is more
uncommunicated, because, wheremen's may be unmet, I think for
women, ours is moreuncommunicated because we have
things that we want and that weneed and that we desire and we
don't know how to talk about itand share it.
So I think that's a big part ofwhat happens.
(07:17):
You know there's things thatyou may like or not like, or
things that you may need and youmay not know how to, um, how to
communicate it, and so I thinkthat that's an important, an
important part of dealing withyour, your, your uncommunicated,
or or you just say, well, heshould just not, he should just
know.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Yeah, and and and Colin, this is kind of answering
your question when you talkabout when you have a
significant other and they justdon't seem like they're getting
anything from you or getting theinformation.
It seemed like he keep going incircles over and over and over.
This may be a root of unmet oruncommunicated expectations.
You know, because everyone hasthem.
You know, even, especially ifyou're new in your relationship,
(07:57):
maybe you haven't vocalized itor said it because you may not
even be aware that you haveturned it into an expectation
that you have for this personand over time those things are
going to come up.
But if you don't reallyidentify what those can be, you
can actually be going in acircle of not understanding.
(08:18):
Why do we keep coming back tothis thing or this issue when I
thought it was resolved and Ilove the way you said that about
people can't read your mind?
No, they can't, and sometimeswe have problems with
communicating what we need, andwe're going to get to that when
we talk about the third one,about what you need.
When it comes to communication,you have to be able to clearly
(08:38):
articulate what's going on inyou first before you can put an
expectation for somebody to helpyou either resolve it or help
you flesh it out to understandwhat's kind of going on in me
but also with us and ourrelationship.
That's causing a problemoverall, whether it's in your
marriage or even in yourlong-term relationship.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
And I think another big one is unrealistic
expectations.
I think it's unrealistic toexpect that the other person
isn't going to fail, youdisappoint, you tell you they're
going to do something.
They're not going to do.
Oh yeah, part of it is learninghow to extend grace and empathy
(09:18):
to one another, and I thinkthat that's where we really
learn to do that is inrelationships, and so it's just
a matter of is this one thingenough to make you dissolve the
relationship?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Yeah, absolutely, and I appreciate that Coco saying
that.
As far as push the like button,if you like the kind of topics
that we're talking about,because the like button will
help us get this content out toother people who you know, give
us some hearts, yeah, and allthose.
We appreciate that.
And I even think, when it comesto those unmet expectations, we
all have personal statements.
(09:50):
Sometimes they come in the massintervals, or sometimes they
come in the voice of a dealbreaker that you haven't
communicated, especially ifyou're in a relationship and you
haven't clearly vocalized whatit is that you need from this
person in the relationship.
And sometimes it takes conflictto come up in order for those
expectations to come out.
And if you don't let thingscome up, I love the way we teach
(10:13):
it.
As far as conflict is anopportunity, it is.
Conflict is an opportunity foryou to really get on one accord,
one page.
Whether it's your unmetcommunications I mean your past
traumas, some childhood oforigin issues or some kind of
(10:33):
significant event that happenedin your life, or even some bad
experience you had in a previousrelationship.
Those are all things that we'regoing to carry over into our
present relationship.
That can have a big, big impactif we don't really get those
personal standards.
I call them like personalstandards.
We all have them.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Yeah, I think standards are different from
intervals.
I think that personal standardsI call them like personal
standards we all have- them.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Yeah, I think standards are different from
inner vows.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
I think that personal standards are the standards
that you set for yourself, but Ithink the inner vows are a
result of that's never going tohappen to me.
I'm never going to let anybodyhurt me, I'm never going to fall
in love again.
I think that that's differentfrom.
You should have values, youshould have standards, because
those are setting boundaries,but I think that when you have
(11:14):
inner vows, you close yourselfoff from someone doing and being
a different kind of person,because one of the things about
Gil that I have always lovedabout him is he's always been a
person of his word, and justwhen you're not used to that,
it's like oh he going, you'relooking for someone to fail you,
and so I think that it'simportant that we don't allow
(11:35):
the past to like again with theorange.
I don't want to make everythingcash or I don't want to make
everything that everyone doeslike what happened to me in the
past.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
And I love the way you said that because you're
going to have disappointment.
And I love the way you saidthat because you're going to
have disappointment.
And that's another one.
When we talk about unmetexpectations, disappointments
and those things that get unmetand sometimes, unfortunately, it
leads to disappointment in yourrelationship because you're
going to have it, that's justanother form or root of conflict
(12:11):
you have to look at if thisperson didn't openly,
consciously, maliciously makethem do something that is
totally against something thatthey're consciously aware of,
that is a, as they say, dealbreaker for you.
If they don't do those things,you have to ask okay, did I
clearly communicate what myneeds were in that time?
But then if I actually have adisappointment about something
that has happened in ourrelationship, that is something
that goes back to the conflictthing that we have to talk about
(12:33):
.
We have to get out in the open,because the enemy loves nothing
more than to keep things in thedark, for you to keep things
personally to yourself.
How many of you have had aconversation with your
significant other and they don'teven know you had this
conversation.
You say something, or likeyou're driving home well, he
going to say this, then I'mgoing to say that, then he going
to probably say this, and thenI'm going to probably say that.
(12:55):
Or she's going to say this assoon as I walk in the door she's
going to say that, and then I'mgoing to say this.
It's a point that you have tomake and you have to get to to
not just have thoseconversations with yourself, but
(13:15):
have it with your significantother, so that they know.
So there's a question.
So Colleen has a question.
Colleen, colleen, colleen, howcan I help my loved one to say
no to PPLs when I'm asking themfor money, but she won't listen
to me?
Well, it kind of goes back tothe same thing.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
That's a good one though.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Expectations and standards.
You want to go ahead.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
That's a good one, because one of the things we
talk about when we're workingwith couples we explain to them
that they have to reallyestablish new everything.
So let's just say, if forChristmas, I'm used to buying
every single person in my familya gift and Gil is not okay with
that, when you come together asa couple, that's something you
both have to decide.
It can't be that this is what Ido and you just have to go
(13:51):
along with it.
Now it's not me, it's us.
So I think it's important thatyou have to reestablish what is
going to be the standard movingforward as a couple, and I think
a big part of it is justunderstanding that, now that
it's two of you, it's not justyour decision, and it's not like
going to your family and saying, well, I would buy you gifts,
but Gil said no.
It's always showing that unitedfront that we have made a
(14:14):
decision.
So it's up to me to tell myfamily we've made a decision
that we're not going to do whatwe used to do anymore as a
family.
We're going to do somethingdifferent.
So hopefully that helps youRight.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
Because it kind of leads to that frustration.
Again, that goes into whatwe're also already talking about
those unmet expectations.
It can lead to conflict andfrustration when you have
expectations and things that youhave a requirement for, just
like, how are we going to decidehow we fund or help our family
members or people that we knowwhen it comes to money?
(14:46):
Money is always one of thosetopics that is always a hot
button issue with a lot ofpeople, so you have to talk
about it when nobody's askingfor it.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Yeah, and part of it is that it's so important that
and I think this is one of thethings that we saw a lot this
few weekends ago with ourcouples is that the more you are
on one accord with your faithand your spiritual beliefs, the
easier it is to get in line withall the other things that we're
talking about, and I think it'simportant that you understand
that that's.
(15:15):
A very important part of anyrelationship is your
relationship with God.
That has to be the centralfocus, and when that's the
common denominator, it makes allthe other things that we're
expecting or your task to do awhole lot easier.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Oh yeah, absolutely.
So we kind of talking aboutsome of the things when it comes
to your relationship.
We talked about unresolvedtraumas when it comes to your
relationship that you bring intoyour marriage and into your-.
That we all bring in, you know,unmet expectations and then we
will probably always talk aboutwith couples with this one is
poor communication skills.
(15:51):
Notice, I call it skillsbecause communication skills can
be learned.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
They are, and communication is a skill.
Talking is not a skill,communication is a skill, and
there's a big difference.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
And I would even say, take it a step further.
Effective communication is whatyou really want to get after
when it comes to yourrelationships, because a lot of
times you can be talking and ifsomebody's talking but
somebody's not listening oryou're not listening, to
understand Hummingbird.
See, she had a hummingbirdSquirrel.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Look, it's a hummingbird outside, y'all.
I'm sorry, squirrel, see itforgives personality that drives
me crazy, you forgive me?
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Absolutely, I'm used to it, but you got guests.
Anyway, effective communicationGoing back to it is when you
are communicating.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Let's unpack that.
Do you know that that could bea major major?
Speaker 1 (17:01):
issue Even with that.
That's one of those.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
What are we talking about when you say that, as far
as me and my squirrel moments,gil is a very organized thinker.
He's very structured.
I am like the wind and we havehad to make accommodations for
each other.
That could have been anargument.
He could have got mad and gotupset and went off on me for
(17:23):
doing something.
That is and I'm not saying it'sright, I'm saying a part of it
in relationships you have togive room for the other person
to be different from you andhelp them to grow.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
I'm glad you think we cute, kenzie.
It didn't feel that way just asecond ago Because we got
company y'all and we tried toshare some of the things.
After 35 years, this is one ofthose moments 35 years of
marital bliss.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
The hummingbird was so beautiful, y'all it was so
beautiful.
It was a hummingbird outsideour window.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Yeah, okay, okay.
So getting back to what we'retalking about poor communication
yes, we're talking abouteffective communication.
See, I lost my train of thought.
Yes, we are talking aboutlistening.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
A part of poor communication is even
interacting Go ahead, go ahead.
A part of poor communication isunderstanding that everything
about your personality while youcan just say I am, it doesn't
mean that it's good and youalways have to be willing.
I'm under construction and I'mstill growing and learning, and
a part of communication is notjust talking, it's listening to
understand, and I think that oneof the things about Gil he's
(18:34):
helped me to learn to be abetter listener, because for me
I said I've said it before Ihave a million words, but
learning when to use those wordsand learning how not to allow
my words to drown him issomething that is still a work.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Yeah, yeah, and even after 35 years of being together
and being married, we're stillconstantly working on the
communication process, becauseit is not something that you are
going to master to the pointwhere, if you don't continue to
do it over and over and overagain, to do it over and over
and over again, that's whereyou're going to get to
misunderstanding.
(19:11):
The root of miscommunication ismisunderstanding.
If you don't have understanding, if that's your goal and that's
what you're trying to get to,obviously you're going to get to
the opposite, which is amisunderstanding about whatever
the topic may be.
If somebody is confused orsomebody is not being heard,
that is something that you haveto really get down and think
(19:32):
about.
Why am I not being understood?
And nine times out of 10, it'snot because Renee is talking
over me over and over and overagain.
More than likely, I have tolook at me and say okay, what is
it that I want to say?
How do I need to say it and amI communicating it to the point
where she understands it, nothow I said it, but how she
(19:54):
understands it.
Because, yeah, I can talk allday, but if she doesn't
understand what I'm trying tocommunicate, then you have
communication breakdown.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Yeah, and I think a part of it is understanding that
, I think for women, because weare so good at using our words,
I think and I constantly tellthem, I'm constantly trying to
get better at this I don't thinkI am finished, I don't think
that I'm going to always be in aconstruction, and I think it's
(20:22):
important that you guys see realmoments of us being who we are.
You know, because this is notscripted, this is just us being
us and us sharing.
Yeah, we have our outline so wecan stay on task, have an
outline so we can stay on task,but we want to be real people
sharing real life with you, sothat you guys have someone that
you can walk alongside with, notjust somebody that's going to
(20:44):
just be showing you the perfectlife, because we don't have a
perfect life?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
No, absolutely so.
What we're talking about isproblems that people bring into
their marriages and theirrelationships and some of the
root causes that you canactually think about.
We already covered some of theunresolved past traumas that you
have, whether it's from yourchildhood, excuse me, or from
previous relationship or evenevents that have happened in
your life.
We're talking about some unmetexpectations that happen.
(21:08):
Everybody has them.
Sometimes they can be yourfamily of origin and the history
that you're doing.
Sometimes we make theseintervals and these personal
statements to ourselves that aresignificant to the other.
Or, as you say here no, we'renot brother and sister, we're
husband and wife yeah you startlooking alike with your person
over the years.
That's what actually happened.
We talked a little bit about ahummingbird.
(21:29):
Yeah, we did.
We talked about the hummingbirdso beautiful.
I wish I could have saw Some ofthe frustrations that happen
even when it comes to unmetexpectations.
And now we're talking aboutcommunication as we kind of get
close to wrapping up this livethat we're talking about with
Gil and Renee from the RichRelationship Refuge.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
And we want to give you chances if you have.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Yeah, and it was a question, go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Oh, you have relationship questions or if
there's a topic you want us tocover.
Next week we're going to haveour friends.
Our rich friends are going tobe on my episode.
So we're not going to go liveDuring the summer.
We're probably going to go livetogether twice a month, but if
you guys know, I go live acouple of times a week because
for me I have more time than Gildoes, but I still want you to
(22:12):
know what's going on in our reallife and how we navigate real
life situations cooking, all thethings that you do as a couple,
and so we want to share some ofthat with you guys.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
So, and then the last one we want to talk about is
assumptions.
That actually gets the root ofthose misunderstanding.
How many of you have madeassumptions in your relationship
about something when it comesto communication, yeah, or
something that you think wassaid really wasn't?
Or you filled in the gap, oryou filled in that blank of the
topic that you thought wastalking about, or you credit the
(22:46):
person with the negative versusthe positive.
For when it comes down towhatever you're talking about,
and I think about that when youtalk about.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
As far as the ability to listen, to understand, If
I'm listening to you tounderstand, I'm not going to be
coming to assumptions.
So if you the things we'retalking about, if you would
practice them.
One of my girlfriends we weretalking.
She was saying a lot of thestuff that you say.
I really just thought Iunderstood what you were saying,
but it was just over my headand so a lot of things we're
(23:15):
saying may seem unrealistic, itmay seem difficult, it may seem
challenging.
It was that way for us and someof them are still for us.
But you got to practice, you gotto get the reps in, you got to
do it.
You got to be willing to do thethings you're talking about.
Don't just listen to us.
Physically, do it, Try it.
You know one of the things wetold our couples and I think it
(23:35):
was really good when we had themwhen they're talking, we have
them to sit and face each otherand touch each other, Because
there's something about touchingeach other.
It's so hard to be mad atsomebody and pray for them, and
it's even harder to be mad atsomebody and to touch them.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Because we dare you to try this the next time you
have a not so good moment.
It may not be a full blownlockdown conflict, but next time
you're in a disagreement, holdhands and talk about subject,
whatever it may be.
I dare you to challenge becausewhen you make contact with the
person you care the most aboutand you're in a disagreement or
you have a problem with, it'sgoing to automatically disarmed
(24:14):
you.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
And I did that.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
God made us that way yeah, absolutely there's
something about physical so wehad a question earlier about
someone here that and that's thetopic that we talked about.
So hopefully you got somethingout of the subject that we
talked about.
When it came to the problemsthat people bring into their
marriage, but also into theirrelationships and I'm gonna
scroll back a little bit because, even though this is not on
topic, wrote I think that'sJoanne Joanne Sanchez says even
(24:38):
though it's not on topic, Ithink that's Joanne Joanne
Sanchez says, even though it'snot on topic, that's why we're
here to talk about things as itrelates to your relationships.
It says why is grieving hardfor some people and some people
others and get better sooner?
Why do some people get betterat it sooner?
And this is something thatRenee is really, really good at,
(24:59):
so I'm going to let her take itand start it out.
When it comes to the grieving.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
There's a difference between grieving and mourning.
I'll start by saying we havehad all of our parents that die,
grandparents we just lost oneof our friends a few weeks ago,
so grieving is something we havevery familiar with.
But what I realized was thatmost people just mourn, they
(25:24):
just move on, whereas grievingis allowing yourself to sit in
it and feel the pain, and feelthe disappointment and to feel
the depression and the anger andthe all the stages of so
sometimes the reason why peopleare getting their grief is
faster because they're reallynot grieving, they're probably
(25:45):
just mourning, and the onlyperson that can tell you that is
you, I think.
Sometimes, as Christians, wefeel like oh no, I just thank
the Lord.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
I just it's okay, God created you human.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Embrace your humanity , allow yourself to go through
the process of grief, becausegrief is a process.
Depression is one of the stagesof grief, but I think we
sometimes forget, we focus onthe depression and not what
caused it.
It's normally a loss, and so wehave to understand that, and so
I hope that answers yourquestion.
(26:17):
But there is no seven days or20 days.
It's different for every person, and it also has a lot to do
with the relationship you havewith the person.
The closer you are to someone,the harder it's going to be when
you lose them.
So two people won't have thesame amount of time to grieve if
you are both grieving Now,mourning.
If you mourn, I mean, that'syou're just walking away.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
You know it's not the same as really grieving and
that's something that I'veexperienced, even especially
after my mom passed that it cantake a long process.
It can take a long time for youto, because I had to really sit
back and think about the thingsthat really affected me and the
things that really I wasmissing and really go through
those things and whether it'sanger, frustration, all the
things that, when it comes togrieving, that you're going to
(27:02):
go through.
But it's different for everyone.
You can't compare what you'regoing through with someone else,
whether it's a sibling orfriend or family member, because
you're different and you got togive yourself the grace and the
mercy to be able to experience.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
And sometimes you, it may not hit you at the same
time.
Sometimes it may hit you Like Iknow for me, because I was the
kind of person I never reallygrieved and when I just mourned
I just, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sad,I just moved on.
I never allowed myself to bedisappointed or sad or hurt, but
when I did grieve was actuallyMother Day died.
That was the first time I everreally grieved and it was years
(27:40):
later, but it took me down forlike weeks.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Yeah, and just like you said, here, joanne, even if
it's been four years.
That's okay, it's normal foryou to have.
That means that therelationship was something you
really value.
If you have still moments whereyou're still sad because I
still there could be a passing,fleeting moment.
You may see something or hearsomething that reminds you of
(28:03):
that person and you have thattemporary moment of sadness.
That's okay, that's normal.
That's, I think, because Ithink I got pictures all around
the house of my mom and when Isee her I still automatically
think about it.
But over time I startedthinking about the good things
and the things that were makeyou smile a little bit.
So we appreciate you chiming inand that's what this is all
(28:24):
about.
It's just not talking abouttopics that we can put up here
because, like you're goingthrough a seminar.
That's not what it's all about.
We want to talk to real peoplewhen it comes to what you're
really going through in any ofyour relationships, whether it's
your marital, because that'swhat we primarily do, but also
any relationship that you may bein.
We just want to help whereverwe can and we appreciate your
comment there that someone saysit's refreshing to see a godly
(28:47):
couple on YouTube.
Thanks there, jade Ruben thankyou.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
That is why we are here, because everyone talks
about how social media is bad,and when the Lord told us to do
this, it's like go to where theyare.
I'm like where he said theinternet Right there, the
internet, and we've been puttingmore content out Because a part
of it is that people need tosee what God-honoring marriages
(29:12):
look like.
How can we expect for people towant to have a God honoring
marriage if they never see whatit looks like?
And so you know, I appreciateyou guys watching and sharing
and being a part of ourcommunity.
We realize it's about reachingpeople.
I have totally give up.
I tried to do it YouTube's wayfor a whole 12 months and now I
said, lord, we just don't put itout.
(29:33):
The Lord told us that we justdon't put it out there.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
And I love that because I scroll through and I
look at some of the topics thatI love and I thank God for the
single people who are actuallyhaving conversations, which are
good, but the things you have tobe mindful about.
A single talking to a singleonly can talk about single.
We've been single, we've beenmarried 35 years and so we have
gained experience over workingwith couples for over 19 years.
(29:55):
Maybe those are the tidbits andthe things that we're trying to
share with you.
So if you're trying to get frompoint A to point B, which is,
from singleness to marriage andhow you should be acting or
going along in marriage and someof the traits, you probably
want to talk to somebody who'salready doing it, not to
somebody who has had a string ofbroken relationships or, as
they say, a high body count thatreally don't know what it takes
(30:18):
to establish and maintain andsustain a relationship.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Yeah, and so we, we really love, you know, just
spending time with you guys,sharing, because you realize
there's so much going on in theworld and there's so much
negativity and there's so muchuh, reality that's not reality
that we have to do our part tomake sure that people have
people that they can go to andtalk to and ask questions and,
um, I think, even when it comesto the question about grief, I
(30:44):
think that if you find that youare struggling to get over, that
is when you need to see atherapist, because one of the
things I realize is that, if Iallow myself to only focus on,
you know, oh my gosh, how am Igoing to move on?
My life is over.
It's the conversation you havewith yourself too.
Yes, you should be sad, yes,you should be, but it can't be
(31:07):
the end of your life, and ifthat's what you're struggling
with, that's different.
We believe that it is importantto get professional help.
You need marriage coaches, youneed counselors you need
therapists psychiatrists.
you need all of that Jesus, theblood, the word.
Sometimes you need medication.
There's nothing wrong withallowing God's tools to be used
(31:27):
to help you to get to a healthyplace.
So we don't ever want and it is, it's May and it's getting
toward the end of the month.
Mental health is a real thing.
We need to stop acting likeit's not real in church, because
it is real.
We need to stop acting like, oh, we just need Jesus.
No, sometimes you need Jesusand a whole lot of other stuff
too.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Yeah, so we appreciate you guys hanging out
with us for this brief session.
We love hanging out with you,so if you got any questions,
comments or anything you want toput, you can put it in the
comments for this as itrepopulates on YouTube and talks
in the comments for this as itrepopulates on YouTube and talks
.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Well, actually it really won't.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Play again.
The comments won't.
Oh well, sorry, she has allthis.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
But if you guys would please subscribe to our channel
, hit the bell notification sothat you know when we're live
and when we're on.
And the app is coming y'all.
The books are coming y'all.
We are really trying to makesure we get rid of all the
excuses.
You don't like videos we got abook.
You don't like podcasts we gotvideos.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
We're trying to give it to you all the way, all the
ways as my girls say all thethings, all the things.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
So we love you and we're just excited about serving
you guys, being here with youguys, answering your questions,
being a part of yourrelationships.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
And so you see y'all's.
So if y'all want to see some ofthe other content, we got a
bunch of videos out there.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Yeah, 900.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Just look for Gil and Renee.
Yes On Rich Relationships.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Yep, look at our long content.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
You'll see it all and we can hang out with you guys
in two weeks.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
We'll be here in two, not this Saturday, but the
following Saturday we'll be liveagain, but I'll be live
throughout the week, y'all.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
So we'll see you guys later.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
We love you guys and thank you so much for being the
best part of our community.
We love you so much.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Have a good night.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Thank you.
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, repair and restore
healthy relationships.
Marriage problems they'reindividual problems that we
bring into our marriage andunfortunately, because we're
married, we don't realize thatthose problems were there before
, because we're married, wedon't realize that those
problems were there before, andit's all.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
And even in this, it's we.
You can always get better atanything as long as you practice
it, especially when you get.
You got to get the reps in, butwhen you get new skills, you
have to apply it to yourrelationship, and so that's what
we're going to be talking about.
So we want to jump in, becausewe usually come on here for
about a half hour and if you gotsomething in the chat, put it
in the chat and we'll see itthere.
And if we don't respond onlinewhile we go on live, we'll
definitely respond in thecomments afterwards, and we'd
(00:54):
like to share with the communityall the things that we talk
about, because we're all atdifferent stages and at
different areas in ourrelationship and we all can get
better at our relationship as weshare these things with you.
So the first one we want totalk about is unresolved past
traumas is number one.
Unresolved past trauma.
Hey, mr Mike, appreciate youjoining us.
Hey, thanks for joining us soyou can talk about the first one
(01:17):
.
You mentioned childhood.
As we were getting ready, reneementioned the childhood stuff
and these are things that youbring into your relationship now
or even in the future.
If you're not in a relationshipthat you need to be conscious
of, that can have an impact onyour relationship.
So you talk about that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And I think a lot of times we don't like.
I was talking about the orangebecause growing up my mom gave
me castor oil with an orange fora long time.
I didn't like oranges becauseit made me think about taking
castor oil with an orange for along time.
I didn't like oranges becauseit made me think about taking
castor oil.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
A bad experience.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Yeah, so my bad experience messed up my
experience with orange.
Well, now, recently, within thepast, I'll say the past few
months I actually like orangesagain, but it took me a long
time to overcome that.
And so sometimes there's thingsthat have happened to you when
you were little, that in yourfrom your past, that are still
affecting you in your present.
And one of the things that wenoticed when we were talking
(02:10):
with and working with couplesover the years and just
consistently, we realized thatand we realized it in ourselves.
Yeah, absolutely, because thereare things that I did, that I
did because I saw my parents doit, and there are things that
Gil did because he started to,and there are things that we
didn't like doing, like I'll useone example was submission.
(02:30):
Submission was a really bigissue for me because the women
in my family were very dominantand very strong, and so we have
to be careful that we don'tallow the way, the things that
we experienced and the thingsthat happened to us in our
childhood to affect us in ourpresent day relationship.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Because you always want to bring the best version
of yourself.
And if you're locked into oryou're being held captive by
some of the past things, thathas happened to you and you
bring it into.
And that's what brings us toanother point about some
unresolved past trauma and Ithink a lot of people can relate
to this is, if you look at it,from your previous relationships
(03:07):
all people or I'll say allagain, I hate those
all-inclusive words, but mostpeople who come into their
relationships it's almostimpossible not to bring some of
the experiences that you've hadin your previous relationships
into your present one.
You know and I'm not saying itfrom a comparison standpoint,
(03:27):
but it's always important to beconscious that you bring them in
.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
You were getting ready to say something I think
about, even though we gotmarried at 21,.
We started dating when we were14, but we started dating
seriously at 18.
I had some bad experiences withprevious relationships and I
think, if we're honest, if therelationship that you were in
before was so great, you wouldnot be in it.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
And there's a reason why relationships end, and so
for me, one of the things I wasused to.
I was used to guys not keepingtheir word Right, so I brought
that into our relationship withGil and I automatically assumed
that if there's any littlevariance in what he said that he
wasn't, but he smiled, I got itBecause every time this comes
up, I always think about.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
I call it the gas station event.
Hey Carolyn, hey, Colin andQueen.
Thank you, Coco, Thanks forjoining us.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Thanks for joining us .
Speaker 1 (04:15):
I always think about this one experience that Renee
to her point that she talkedabout people holding their word
when I was helping a friendwhile I was in high school who
bought a gas station he was hadhadn't hired employees and
anything like that, and so Idecided to go and help him.
But I was supposed to meet upwith Renee at a certain time
(04:46):
yeah, and when I didn't make itthere at that time, I think that
was a previous relationshiptrauma yeah, it reminded me of
that surfaced and and she cameat me in an accusatory manner
like I had done something wrongand I had an honest, legitimate
reason why I was late.
It's not like I didn't show upor did I.
I didn't show up, but I didcall after the fact and we
talked about it.
And at the time you know youcan talk about something and
(05:08):
it'll be just a conflict, but ifyou don't get to the root of
the conflict, it's still goingto just keep resurfacing.
But we talked about it and Idon't even know if it was years
later about I.
You have to look at the person'strack record.
If you had a bad, had aprevious bad experience with
someone in their relationshipand then all of a sudden they do
(05:29):
something.
A new person comes into yourrelationship, say you're in now
and they do some of the oldthings.
You got to look at the trackrecord.
Have they showed you a patternof continuous bad things that
they've done, or growth areas orhowever you want to describe it
?
Are things that remake it, thattrauma kind of resurface?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
yeah, and so a lot of times when we're in new
relationships, we have toevaluate our own heart and say
okay, so let me look at this now.
He did this one thing, but he'sdone 25 good things, so should
I let the one thing thatreminded me of someone else
cancel out all the 25 goodthings that this person has done
?
And so that's how we have to becareful that we don't allow our
(06:08):
past experiences, our past pain, um to to make us not move
forward in relationships.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
If you guys have questions, or you got time in
the community, yeah how has itbeen for you has?
Speaker 2 (06:19):
do you believe that your unresolved past pain or
trauma is affecting how you'removing in relationships today?
Speaker 1 (06:28):
put that in, yeah, put it in the chat, and I see
somebody got a birthday, happybirthday, happy birthday, and so
so we're actually going to moveforward.
So we're talking about marriageproblems, or problems that
you're not necessarily justgoing to have in a marriage, but
even in a relationship well theproblems that people bring into
their relationships andmarriage gets the blame.
Yep, exactly.
So let's talk about the bignumber two, and this is
(06:50):
something unmet expectations.
Yes, you want to start out withthat one.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
I think for women it may be unrealistic and
uncommunicated expectations.
Where men's may be unmet, Ithink for women, ours is more
uncommunicated, because, wheremen's may be unmet, I think for
women, ours is moreuncommunicated because we have
things that we want and that weneed and that we desire and we
don't know how to talk about itand share it.
So I think that's a big part ofwhat happens.
(07:17):
You know there's things thatyou may like or not like, or
things that you may need and youmay not know how to, um, how to
communicate it, and so I thinkthat that's an important, an
important part of dealing withyour, your, your uncommunicated,
or or you just say, well, heshould just not, he should just
know.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Yeah, and and and Colin, this is kind of answering
your question when you talkabout when you have a
significant other and they justdon't seem like they're getting
anything from you or getting theinformation.
It seemed like he keep going incircles over and over and over.
This may be a root of unmet oruncommunicated expectations.
You know, because everyone hasthem.
You know, even, especially ifyou're new in your relationship,
(07:57):
maybe you haven't vocalized itor said it because you may not
even be aware that you haveturned it into an expectation
that you have for this personand over time those things are
going to come up.
But if you don't reallyidentify what those can be, you
can actually be going in acircle of not understanding.
(08:18):
Why do we keep coming back tothis thing or this issue when I
thought it was resolved and Ilove the way you said that about
people can't read your mind?
No, they can't, and sometimeswe have problems with
communicating what we need, andwe're going to get to that when
we talk about the third one,about what you need.
When it comes to communication,you have to be able to clearly
(08:38):
articulate what's going on inyou first before you can put an
expectation for somebody to helpyou either resolve it or help
you flesh it out to understandwhat's kind of going on in me
but also with us and ourrelationship.
That's causing a problemoverall, whether it's in your
marriage or even in yourlong-term relationship.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
And I think another big one is unrealistic
expectations.
I think it's unrealistic toexpect that the other person
isn't going to fail, youdisappoint, you tell you they're
going to do something.
They're not going to do.
Oh yeah, part of it is learninghow to extend grace and empathy
(09:18):
to one another, and I thinkthat that's where we really
learn to do that is inrelationships, and so it's just
a matter of is this one thingenough to make you dissolve the
relationship?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Yeah, absolutely, and I appreciate that Coco saying
that.
As far as push the like button,if you like the kind of topics
that we're talking about,because the like button will
help us get this content out toother people who you know, give
us some hearts, yeah, and allthose.
We appreciate that.
And I even think, when it comesto those unmet expectations, we
all have personal statements.
(09:50):
Sometimes they come in the massintervals, or sometimes they
come in the voice of a dealbreaker that you haven't
communicated, especially ifyou're in a relationship and you
haven't clearly vocalized whatit is that you need from this
person in the relationship.
And sometimes it takes conflictto come up in order for those
expectations to come out.
And if you don't let thingscome up, I love the way we teach
(10:13):
it.
As far as conflict is anopportunity, it is.
Conflict is an opportunity foryou to really get on one accord,
one page.
Whether it's your unmetcommunications I mean your past
traumas, some childhood oforigin issues or some kind of
(10:33):
significant event that happenedin your life, or even some bad
experience you had in a previousrelationship.
Those are all things that we'regoing to carry over into our
present relationship.
That can have a big, big impactif we don't really get those
personal standards.
I call them like personalstandards.
We all have them.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Yeah, I think standards are different from
intervals.
I think that personal standardsI call them like personal
standards we all have- them.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Yeah, I think standards are different from
inner vows.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
I think that personal standards are the standards
that you set for yourself, but Ithink the inner vows are a
result of that's never going tohappen to me.
I'm never going to let anybodyhurt me, I'm never going to fall
in love again.
I think that that's differentfrom.
You should have values, youshould have standards, because
those are setting boundaries,but I think that when you have
(11:14):
inner vows, you close yourselfoff from someone doing and being
a different kind of person,because one of the things about
Gil that I have always lovedabout him is he's always been a
person of his word, and justwhen you're not used to that,
it's like oh he going, you'relooking for someone to fail you,
and so I think that it'simportant that we don't allow
(11:35):
the past to like again with theorange.
I don't want to make everythingcash or I don't want to make
everything that everyone doeslike what happened to me in the
past.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
And I love the way you said that because you're
going to have disappointment.
And I love the way you saidthat because you're going to
have disappointment.
And that's another one.
When we talk about unmetexpectations, disappointments
and those things that get unmetand sometimes, unfortunately, it
leads to disappointment in yourrelationship because you're
going to have it, that's justanother form or root of conflict
(12:11):
you have to look at if thisperson didn't openly,
consciously, maliciously makethem do something that is
totally against something thatthey're consciously aware of,
that is a, as they say, dealbreaker for you.
If they don't do those things,you have to ask okay, did I
clearly communicate what myneeds were in that time?
But then if I actually have adisappointment about something
that has happened in ourrelationship, that is something
that goes back to the conflictthing that we have to talk about
(12:33):
.
We have to get out in the open,because the enemy loves nothing
more than to keep things in thedark, for you to keep things
personally to yourself.
How many of you have had aconversation with your
significant other and they don'teven know you had this
conversation.
You say something, or likeyou're driving home well, he
going to say this, then I'mgoing to say that, then he going
to probably say this, and thenI'm going to probably say that.
(12:55):
Or she's going to say this assoon as I walk in the door she's
going to say that, and then I'mgoing to say this.
It's a point that you have tomake and you have to get to to
not just have thoseconversations with yourself, but
(13:15):
have it with your significantother, so that they know.
So there's a question.
So Colleen has a question.
Colleen, colleen, colleen, howcan I help my loved one to say
no to PPLs when I'm asking themfor money, but she won't listen
to me?
Well, it kind of goes back tothe same thing.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
That's a good one though.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Expectations and standards.
You want to go ahead.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
That's a good one, because one of the things we
talk about when we're workingwith couples we explain to them
that they have to reallyestablish new everything.
So let's just say, if forChristmas, I'm used to buying
every single person in my familya gift and Gil is not okay with
that, when you come together asa couple, that's something you
both have to decide.
It can't be that this is what Ido and you just have to go
(13:51):
along with it.
Now it's not me, it's us.
So I think it's important thatyou have to reestablish what is
going to be the standard movingforward as a couple, and I think
a big part of it is justunderstanding that, now that
it's two of you, it's not justyour decision, and it's not like
going to your family and saying, well, I would buy you gifts,
but Gil said no.
It's always showing that unitedfront that we have made a
(14:14):
decision.
So it's up to me to tell myfamily we've made a decision
that we're not going to do whatwe used to do anymore as a
family.
We're going to do somethingdifferent.
So hopefully that helps youRight.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
Because it kind of leads to that frustration.
Again, that goes into whatwe're also already talking about
those unmet expectations.
It can lead to conflict andfrustration when you have
expectations and things that youhave a requirement for, just
like, how are we going to decidehow we fund or help our family
members or people that we knowwhen it comes to money?
(14:46):
Money is always one of thosetopics that is always a hot
button issue with a lot ofpeople, so you have to talk
about it when nobody's askingfor it.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Yeah, and part of it is that it's so important that
and I think this is one of thethings that we saw a lot this
few weekends ago with ourcouples is that the more you are
on one accord with your faithand your spiritual beliefs, the
easier it is to get in line withall the other things that we're
talking about, and I think it'simportant that you understand
that that's.
(15:15):
A very important part of anyrelationship is your
relationship with God.
That has to be the centralfocus, and when that's the
common denominator, it makes allthe other things that we're
expecting or your task to do awhole lot easier.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Oh yeah, absolutely.
So we kind of talking aboutsome of the things when it comes
to your relationship.
We talked about unresolvedtraumas when it comes to your
relationship that you bring intoyour marriage and into your-.
That we all bring in, you know,unmet expectations and then we
will probably always talk aboutwith couples with this one is
poor communication skills.
(15:51):
Notice, I call it skillsbecause communication skills can
be learned.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
They are, and communication is a skill.
Talking is not a skill,communication is a skill, and
there's a big difference.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
And I would even say, take it a step further.
Effective communication is whatyou really want to get after
when it comes to yourrelationships, because a lot of
times you can be talking and ifsomebody's talking but
somebody's not listening oryou're not listening, to
understand Hummingbird.
See, she had a hummingbirdSquirrel.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Look, it's a hummingbird outside, y'all.
I'm sorry, squirrel, see itforgives personality that drives
me crazy, you forgive me?
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Absolutely, I'm used to it, but you got guests.
Anyway, effective communicationGoing back to it is when you
are communicating.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Let's unpack that.
Do you know that that could bea major major?
Speaker 1 (17:01):
issue Even with that.
That's one of those.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
What are we talking about when you say that, as far
as me and my squirrel moments,gil is a very organized thinker.
He's very structured.
I am like the wind and we havehad to make accommodations for
each other.
That could have been anargument.
He could have got mad and gotupset and went off on me for
(17:23):
doing something.
That is and I'm not saying it'sright, I'm saying a part of it
in relationships you have togive room for the other person
to be different from you andhelp them to grow.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
I'm glad you think we cute, kenzie.
It didn't feel that way just asecond ago Because we got
company y'all and we tried toshare some of the things.
After 35 years, this is one ofthose moments 35 years of
marital bliss.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
The hummingbird was so beautiful, y'all it was so
beautiful.
It was a hummingbird outsideour window.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Yeah, okay, okay.
So getting back to what we'retalking about poor communication
yes, we're talking abouteffective communication.
See, I lost my train of thought.
Yes, we are talking aboutlistening.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
A part of poor communication is even
interacting Go ahead, go ahead.
A part of poor communication isunderstanding that everything
about your personality while youcan just say I am, it doesn't
mean that it's good and youalways have to be willing.
I'm under construction and I'mstill growing and learning, and
a part of communication is notjust talking, it's listening to
understand, and I think that oneof the things about Gil he's
(18:34):
helped me to learn to be abetter listener, because for me
I said I've said it before Ihave a million words, but
learning when to use those wordsand learning how not to allow
my words to drown him issomething that is still a work.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Yeah, yeah, and even after 35 years of being together
and being married, we're stillconstantly working on the
communication process, becauseit is not something that you are
going to master to the pointwhere, if you don't continue to
do it over and over and overagain, to do it over and over
and over again, that's whereyou're going to get to
misunderstanding.
(19:11):
The root of miscommunication ismisunderstanding.
If you don't have understanding, if that's your goal and that's
what you're trying to get to,obviously you're going to get to
the opposite, which is amisunderstanding about whatever
the topic may be.
If somebody is confused orsomebody is not being heard,
that is something that you haveto really get down and think
(19:32):
about.
Why am I not being understood?
And nine times out of 10, it'snot because Renee is talking
over me over and over and overagain.
More than likely, I have tolook at me and say okay, what is
it that I want to say?
How do I need to say it and amI communicating it to the point
where she understands it, nothow I said it, but how she
(19:54):
understands it.
Because, yeah, I can talk allday, but if she doesn't
understand what I'm trying tocommunicate, then you have
communication breakdown.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Yeah, and I think a part of it is understanding that
, I think for women, because weare so good at using our words,
I think and I constantly tellthem, I'm constantly trying to
get better at this I don't thinkI am finished, I don't think
that I'm going to always be in aconstruction, and I think it's
(20:22):
important that you guys see realmoments of us being who we are.
You know, because this is notscripted, this is just us being
us and us sharing.
Yeah, we have our outline so wecan stay on task, have an
outline so we can stay on task,but we want to be real people
sharing real life with you, sothat you guys have someone that
you can walk alongside with, notjust somebody that's going to
(20:44):
just be showing you the perfectlife, because we don't have a
perfect life?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
No, absolutely so.
What we're talking about isproblems that people bring into
their marriages and theirrelationships and some of the
root causes that you canactually think about.
We already covered some of theunresolved past traumas that you
have, whether it's from yourchildhood, excuse me, or from
previous relationship or evenevents that have happened in
your life.
We're talking about some unmetexpectations that happen.
(21:08):
Everybody has them.
Sometimes they can be yourfamily of origin and the history
that you're doing.
Sometimes we make theseintervals and these personal
statements to ourselves that aresignificant to the other.
Or, as you say here no, we'renot brother and sister, we're
husband and wife yeah you startlooking alike with your person
over the years.
That's what actually happened.
We talked a little bit about ahummingbird.
(21:29):
Yeah, we did.
We talked about the hummingbirdso beautiful.
I wish I could have saw Some ofthe frustrations that happen
even when it comes to unmetexpectations.
And now we're talking aboutcommunication as we kind of get
close to wrapping up this livethat we're talking about with
Gil and Renee from the RichRelationship Refuge.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
And we want to give you chances if you have.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Yeah, and it was a question, go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Oh, you have relationship questions or if
there's a topic you want us tocover.
Next week we're going to haveour friends.
Our rich friends are going tobe on my episode.
So we're not going to go liveDuring the summer.
We're probably going to go livetogether twice a month, but if
you guys know, I go live acouple of times a week because
for me I have more time than Gildoes, but I still want you to
(22:12):
know what's going on in our reallife and how we navigate real
life situations cooking, all thethings that you do as a couple,
and so we want to share some ofthat with you guys.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
So, and then the last one we want to talk about is
assumptions.
That actually gets the root ofthose misunderstanding.
How many of you have madeassumptions in your relationship
about something when it comesto communication, yeah, or
something that you think wassaid really wasn't?
Or you filled in the gap, oryou filled in that blank of the
topic that you thought wastalking about, or you credit the
(22:46):
person with the negative versusthe positive.
For when it comes down towhatever you're talking about,
and I think about that when youtalk about.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
As far as the ability to listen, to understand, If
I'm listening to you tounderstand, I'm not going to be
coming to assumptions.
So if you the things we'retalking about, if you would
practice them.
One of my girlfriends we weretalking.
She was saying a lot of thestuff that you say.
I really just thought Iunderstood what you were saying,
but it was just over my headand so a lot of things we're
(23:15):
saying may seem unrealistic, itmay seem difficult, it may seem
challenging.
It was that way for us and someof them are still for us.
But you got to practice, you gotto get the reps in, you got to
do it.
You got to be willing to do thethings you're talking about.
Don't just listen to us.
Physically, do it, Try it.
You know one of the things wetold our couples and I think it
(23:35):
was really good when we had themwhen they're talking, we have
them to sit and face each otherand touch each other, Because
there's something about touchingeach other.
It's so hard to be mad atsomebody and pray for them, and
it's even harder to be mad atsomebody and to touch them.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Because we dare you to try this the next time you
have a not so good moment.
It may not be a full blownlockdown conflict, but next time
you're in a disagreement, holdhands and talk about subject,
whatever it may be.
I dare you to challenge becausewhen you make contact with the
person you care the most aboutand you're in a disagreement or
you have a problem with, it'sgoing to automatically disarmed
(24:14):
you.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
And I did that.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
God made us that way yeah, absolutely there's
something about physical so wehad a question earlier about
someone here that and that's thetopic that we talked about.
So hopefully you got somethingout of the subject that we
talked about.
When it came to the problemsthat people bring into their
marriage, but also into theirrelationships and I'm gonna
scroll back a little bit because, even though this is not on
topic, wrote I think that'sJoanne Joanne Sanchez says even
(24:38):
though it's not on topic, Ithink that's Joanne Joanne
Sanchez says, even though it'snot on topic, that's why we're
here to talk about things as itrelates to your relationships.
It says why is grieving hardfor some people and some people
others and get better sooner?
Why do some people get betterat it sooner?
And this is something thatRenee is really, really good at,
(24:59):
so I'm going to let her take itand start it out.
When it comes to the grieving.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
There's a difference between grieving and mourning.
I'll start by saying we havehad all of our parents that die,
grandparents we just lost oneof our friends a few weeks ago,
so grieving is something we havevery familiar with.
But what I realized was thatmost people just mourn, they
(25:24):
just move on, whereas grievingis allowing yourself to sit in
it and feel the pain, and feelthe disappointment and to feel
the depression and the anger andthe all the stages of so
sometimes the reason why peopleare getting their grief is
faster because they're reallynot grieving, they're probably
(25:45):
just mourning, and the onlyperson that can tell you that is
you, I think.
Sometimes, as Christians, wefeel like oh no, I just thank
the Lord.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
I just it's okay, God created you human.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Embrace your humanity , allow yourself to go through
the process of grief, becausegrief is a process.
Depression is one of the stagesof grief, but I think we
sometimes forget, we focus onthe depression and not what
caused it.
It's normally a loss, and so wehave to understand that, and so
I hope that answers yourquestion.
(26:17):
But there is no seven days or20 days.
It's different for every person, and it also has a lot to do
with the relationship you havewith the person.
The closer you are to someone,the harder it's going to be when
you lose them.
So two people won't have thesame amount of time to grieve if
you are both grieving Now,mourning.
If you mourn, I mean, that'syou're just walking away.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
You know it's not the same as really grieving and
that's something that I'veexperienced, even especially
after my mom passed that it cantake a long process.
It can take a long time for youto, because I had to really sit
back and think about the thingsthat really affected me and the
things that really I wasmissing and really go through
those things and whether it'sanger, frustration, all the
things that, when it comes togrieving, that you're going to
(27:02):
go through.
But it's different for everyone.
You can't compare what you'regoing through with someone else,
whether it's a sibling orfriend or family member, because
you're different and you got togive yourself the grace and the
mercy to be able to experience.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
And sometimes you, it may not hit you at the same
time.
Sometimes it may hit you Like Iknow for me, because I was the
kind of person I never reallygrieved and when I just mourned
I just, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sad,I just moved on.
I never allowed myself to bedisappointed or sad or hurt, but
when I did grieve was actuallyMother Day died.
That was the first time I everreally grieved and it was years
(27:40):
later, but it took me down forlike weeks.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Yeah, and just like you said, here, joanne, even if
it's been four years.
That's okay, it's normal foryou to have.
That means that therelationship was something you
really value.
If you have still moments whereyou're still sad because I
still there could be a passing,fleeting moment.
You may see something or hearsomething that reminds you of
(28:03):
that person and you have thattemporary moment of sadness.
That's okay, that's normal.
That's, I think, because Ithink I got pictures all around
the house of my mom and when Isee her I still automatically
think about it.
But over time I startedthinking about the good things
and the things that were makeyou smile a little bit.
So we appreciate you chiming inand that's what this is all
(28:24):
about.
It's just not talking abouttopics that we can put up here
because, like you're goingthrough a seminar.
That's not what it's all about.
We want to talk to real peoplewhen it comes to what you're
really going through in any ofyour relationships, whether it's
your marital, because that'swhat we primarily do, but also
any relationship that you may bein.
We just want to help whereverwe can and we appreciate your
comment there that someone saysit's refreshing to see a godly
(28:47):
couple on YouTube.
Thanks there, jade Ruben thankyou.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
That is why we are here, because everyone talks
about how social media is bad,and when the Lord told us to do
this, it's like go to where theyare.
I'm like where he said theinternet Right there, the
internet, and we've been puttingmore content out Because a part
of it is that people need tosee what God-honoring marriages
(29:12):
look like.
How can we expect for people towant to have a God honoring
marriage if they never see whatit looks like?
And so you know, I appreciateyou guys watching and sharing
and being a part of ourcommunity.
We realize it's about reachingpeople.
I have totally give up.
I tried to do it YouTube's wayfor a whole 12 months and now I
said, lord, we just don't put itout.
(29:33):
The Lord told us that we justdon't put it out there.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
And I love that because I scroll through and I
look at some of the topics thatI love and I thank God for the
single people who are actuallyhaving conversations, which are
good, but the things you have tobe mindful about.
A single talking to a singleonly can talk about single.
We've been single, we've beenmarried 35 years and so we have
gained experience over workingwith couples for over 19 years.
(29:55):
Maybe those are the tidbits andthe things that we're trying to
share with you.
So if you're trying to get frompoint A to point B, which is,
from singleness to marriage andhow you should be acting or
going along in marriage and someof the traits, you probably
want to talk to somebody who'salready doing it, not to
somebody who has had a string ofbroken relationships or, as
they say, a high body count thatreally don't know what it takes
(30:18):
to establish and maintain andsustain a relationship.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Yeah, and so we, we really love, you know, just
spending time with you guys,sharing, because you realize
there's so much going on in theworld and there's so much
negativity and there's so muchuh, reality that's not reality
that we have to do our part tomake sure that people have
people that they can go to andtalk to and ask questions and,
um, I think, even when it comesto the question about grief, I
(30:44):
think that if you find that youare struggling to get over, that
is when you need to see atherapist, because one of the
things I realize is that, if Iallow myself to only focus on,
you know, oh my gosh, how am Igoing to move on?
My life is over.
It's the conversation you havewith yourself too.
Yes, you should be sad, yes,you should be, but it can't be
(31:07):
the end of your life, and ifthat's what you're struggling
with, that's different.
We believe that it is importantto get professional help.
You need marriage coaches, youneed counselors you need
therapists psychiatrists.
you need all of that Jesus, theblood, the word.
Sometimes you need medication.
There's nothing wrong withallowing God's tools to be used
(31:27):
to help you to get to a healthyplace.
So we don't ever want and it is, it's May and it's getting
toward the end of the month.
Mental health is a real thing.
We need to stop acting likeit's not real in church, because
it is real.
We need to stop acting like, oh, we just need Jesus.
No, sometimes you need Jesusand a whole lot of other stuff
too.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Yeah, so we appreciate you guys hanging out
with us for this brief session.
We love hanging out with you,so if you got any questions,
comments or anything you want toput, you can put it in the
comments for this as itrepopulates on YouTube and talks
in the comments for this as itrepopulates on YouTube and talks
.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Well, actually it really won't.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Play again.
The comments won't.
Oh well, sorry, she has allthis.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
But if you guys would please subscribe to our channel
, hit the bell notification sothat you know when we're live
and when we're on.
And the app is coming y'all.
The books are coming y'all.
We are really trying to makesure we get rid of all the
excuses.
You don't like videos we got abook.
You don't like podcasts we gotvideos.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
We're trying to give it to you all the way, all the
ways as my girls say all thethings, all the things.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
So we love you and we're just excited about serving
you guys, being here with youguys, answering your questions,
being a part of yourrelationships.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
And so you see y'all's.
So if y'all want to see some ofthe other content, we got a
bunch of videos out there.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Yeah, 900.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Just look for Gil and Renee.
Yes On Rich Relationships.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Yep, look at our long content.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
You'll see it all and we can hang out with you guys
in two weeks.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
We'll be here in two, not this Saturday, but the
following Saturday we'll be liveagain, but I'll be live
throughout the week, y'all.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
So we'll see you guys later.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
We love you guys and thank you so much for being the
best part of our community.
We love you so much.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Have a good night.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Thank you.
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