March 3, 2025 • 51 mins
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore
healthy relationships.
We're live, hey, everyone.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Hey.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
We are live and we hope you're ready for tonight's
hot night.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Now I know we always start out at least five or six
minutes behind.
It's always technicaldifficulty.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Well, no, actually it wasn't technical difficulties,
we had an issue with the link,so the whole back end of YouTube
.
If you put it in the wrong way,I'll mess it up, so forgive me,
forgive me, forgive me, I ambut a human.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
We charge it to the head and not the heart.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yeah, so we hope you guys are ready for tonight.
You guys have been enjoyingthis.
I hope you guys are enjoying it, and tonight is for our singles
.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
We've been going for the past three, four, maybe five
weeks of working and focusingon couples.
But what if you're not a couple?
Hopefully this will still beapplicable.
So if you know someone who's asingle, we are focused on y'all,
invite a man, invite a man.
We focused on y'all tonight.
You know, you ever had thattime where you wish you would
(01:25):
have had a guide or a benchmarkor a baseline or some help some
instructions about what shouldyou do when you are starting to
date, or should you be dating?
Uh, if I am dating, should Ihave something that I'm looking
forward to, or what should I belooking at?
Speaker 2 (01:46):
or looking for, yeah, and so that's what we're going
to talk about tonight, and sowe're going to have our 10
questions, 10 things thatbasically you need to know, or I
wish I knew, or that will helpyou on your journey towards
dating.
I know some of you guys haveprobably had the wrong link.
Again, I apologize for that.
(02:07):
So we are going to we have thequestions already ready and, as
usual, put your questions in thechat or, if you're watching
this, later on, put yourquestions in the comments and we
will answer them.
So we're going to both answerit, because it's for both males
and females, it's basically forsingles.
So we're going to both answerit because it's for both uh,
males and females, it'sbasically for singles.
So we're going to answer thequestions.
(02:29):
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Okay, I have something I wantto say.
Um, you know it's getting warm,it's starting to get colder,
and so I want to say that I want.
I was asking gil.
I said what if?
If you were a piece of, if youwere a garment?
what would you be A garment?
(02:50):
A garment.
If you were an article ofclothing, would you be a pair of
sweatpants or would you be bluejeans?
In the way that you are inrelationships, Is that
rhetorical?
No, I'm asking you, I want youto answer it, you want me to
answer first.
How about you go?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Okay, I'm going to answer first, because you can
tell she wanted to go first.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I'm going to answer first, if I were a Garmin, I
would be a pair of blue jeans,because one of the things I love
about blue jeans is that bluejeans don't lie to you If you
(03:31):
have gained weight.
Guess what?
Your jeans?
They don't fit you.
And so I think in relationshipsI'm the kind of person that if
something is not working, I'mgoing to tell you, and so it's
important that we are open toknowing, like I mean your jeans.
You can blame the dryer, youcan blame, but you can blame.
But really the reason why thejeans don't fit it's because we
did something too much ofsomething or not enough of
something.
So that's what I would be if Iwere a article clothing.
(03:54):
What would you be, baby?
Speaker 1 (03:55):
I just be.
And you said, as it pertains torelationships.
Yes, as it pertains torelationships.
Of course I'm going to say thejeans would you be?
jeans, because it will alwaysforce you to be get better.
If you know you've gotten alittle bit bigger, you know you
need to do something to get alittle bit smaller, Right?
(04:15):
So that's why I'm going to say,which means, if you want to get
better at doing something,you're going to have to put some
work in.
We talk about work all the timeon this channel when it comes
to your relationships, and thework that we are talking about
tonight is actually in dating.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yes, it's going to be fun, I know.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Renee said we got 10 questions, but we actually going
to give you 15.
We're going to 15, 5, 5, 5.
Just remember 5, 5, 5.
You can do 15?
That's a lot.
Well, 15 in different areas,because there's different stages
and different things that youshould be asking yourself as it
becomes to getting married, orgetting, or not getting married,
but on the road to gettingmarried.
(04:50):
As far as dating, and the firstarea that we want to talk about
is why, why do you date?
Speaker 2 (04:56):
We're going to give you five reasons about why you
date, as we see it, becausebefore we were married, we were
dating date as we see it,because before we were married
we were dating yes, and beforeyou're dating you're single, and
so just know that.
This channel is designed tohelp us all at different stages
in our life, because we allstart off single.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
And the first one is you need it.
You date.
Why you date is to get to knowsomeone.
That's the first one and thereason, the reason.
The reason, the reason why isbecause obviously, you have to
know the person that you want tospend a lot of time with, for
compatibility reasons or ifyou're even wanting to pursue a
(05:36):
relationship.
So I remember going back tothis I asked our back in a few
years.
Back we were in another stateand I used to be a police
officer.
We were traveling and I used toask one of the patrolmen.
I was like you know what?
These are younger guys than Iwas.
I had already been dating.
I asked them what's the purposeof dating?
You know how many answers Iheard.
(05:58):
I heard everything.
This went on for like eighthours all night.
Everybody had reasons andeverybody had their own
philosophy, but I came back withthe reason that you date is
preparation for marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yes, I agree.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
That's just.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
And if you don't agree that dating is preparation
for marriage, put it in thecomment or the chat.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
And why you don't.
Yes, you, you know.
So the first one we weretalking about is so you, the
reason why you're going to bedating someone is to get to know
them right.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
That's so important because, when we were dating,
what was something that stoodout to you as far as getting to
know me, that was, let's say, achallenge for you well, because
I am an extrovert and I amtalkative and you are an
introvert and you are a thinker,and at the time I didn't know
that, and so one of thechallenges was understanding how
(06:51):
to get you to open up, andasking you over and over and
over and over again was not agood strategy, and so a part of
it is learning how tocommunicate with the person in a
way that makes them open up.
And so I realized for you, itwas not asking you over and over
again, it was just asking youwhat you think.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
And that's the operative word that you use in
there is to learn, right, youknow.
So one of the main focal pointsshould be is to learn this
person.
Learn things about them, becurious, be inquisitive about
them.
Be curious, be inquisitive thatis the time to be all those
things, because, as you are in arelationship and the longer it
goes down the road, you're goingto find that you're not going
to talk as much as you used totalk when you were dating.
(07:33):
I think that's where the firstpart, when you have that new
feeling and it's something newyou just want to know every
single thing about this personbecause you're so focused on
just them and you want to knowevery detail and hopefully that
will continue throughout yourrelationship.
But we have learned over thetime of working with couples
that it tends to decline and goback up unless something bad
(07:57):
happens.
When bad things happen, that's,it seems like focus of
conversation becomes paramount.
That's when you have a lot tosay.
But if you started out is tolearn someone, then you'll know
that's a habit that you need tokeep going throughout your
relationship.
That's correct.
So I'll give you the next oneBuild on your emotional intimacy
.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Yes, talk about that.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I know that's your favorite topic.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Yeah, intimacy.
The reason why emotionalintimacy is important is because
intimacy emotionally, emotionalintimacy is not sex.
It's getting to know theirtemperament, it's getting to
know their past, it's getting toknow their views on things, and
(08:41):
so I think a part of it isgetting to know someone
emotionally is more importantthan just getting to know them
physically, because you have tobe vulnerable, right, you have
to be open, you have to trustthat person.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
So I think that's an important because it's going to
force you to go to a deeperlevel.
It's going to force you to notstay so surface, because when
you're first dating, that'swhere you always want to stay.
Yeah, you only want to show thegood part about it.
We're talking about why dating,why do we date, why date at all
?
So that, where Renee is justtalking about, emotional
(09:16):
intimacy is going to allow youto go deeper, at a deeper level,
because as you go deeper intothe relationship, it's going to
give you the ability to be morecommitted.
It's going to be allow you tobe more open with the person
that you're with.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Right, would you say.
Would that be fair to say?
Yes, it would be very, verymuch so.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
And I think that one thing that came out of that time
when I was asking all theyounger guys these are all
single guys too, so they wereasking, you know, a lot of them
would say is to explorecompatibility.
So that's number three exploreincompatibility.
You know, how do you know ifI'm even compatible with this
person?
First off, you got to talk andget to know them.
But why is compatibility soimportant?
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Well, because it's just.
It's just like, if you, as awoman, if you're trying to get
together, you're trying to getready, you want to make sure
that things are coordinated andthey match and they look good
together.
Well, it's the same thing withbeing compatible with someone.
You need to know their values,you need to know their goals,
you need to know their dreams,you need to know their deal
breakers, and so you need tohave an idea of their character.
(10:17):
And so if those things don'tline up, no matter how much you
may be interested, if you're notcompatible, it won't last.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
You know, I remember when I was dating, in the dating
phase, even before Renee, Iknew this but I didn't know it.
I remember going on a date withsomeone and the person got into
the car and I think I was maybeand I'm a very punctual person,
I try to be on time for a lotof things.
Even now, to this day, it'simportant to me and even then,
(10:49):
when we were dating, it wasimportant to be on time and I
think it was traffic orsomething and I was late and I
think it was only like twominutes or three minutes late
and the minute this person thisis the first date Now the person
got into the car and they justwent in just started talking
about what?
as far as about why I was late,as far as, like you were late,
and all I heard was you rememberthat cartoon?
(11:11):
And I was like I just met thisperson and they're already going
in and before I could even putthe car in drive, you know what
I did.
What'd you say?
I said you know what, I don'tthink this is going to work.
I ended it right then and there, before I even pulled out the
driveway, I said you know what?
You know that compatibility wastotally off right from the very
(11:33):
beginning, because can wediscuss things Absolutely?
But this person was going in.
Yeah, I mean like hard, likecomplaining from the jump, not
hey, and not even give me achance to explain why I was late
.
Just, you were late and I justtuned it out.
I instantly shut it off andthey went in.
I said let's end the date rightnow because it's still early.
(11:55):
You got time to catch up withyour friends, I got time to
catch up with my friends and wecan salvage a good day as far as
a good night.
It was like a Saturday night.
You know you don't want towaste it.
So imagine that you go downthat road, you go on a date and
you are in and I just seen itgoing downhill like this the
(12:16):
whole night.
So why would you try to salvageit?
I just said you know what I'mgoing to cut it loose right now.
And when I said that, she kindof looked at me like, are you
serious?
Yeah, yeah, I am.
So that's one thing.
So that's just something thatcame because we try to apply
things that are actuallyhappening in real life and that
was something that happened inreal life.
(12:37):
So that compatibility is very,very much important.
Because on the other side ofthat, what about the lifestyle?
Do you think dating and knowinga person's lifestyle is
important?
Yeah, why?
Speaker 2 (12:48):
because if let's just say, for example, if and if I
even not even like our exercisehabits, our nutritional habits
hi, welcome me.
I'm so glad you're here.
Um, if our lifestyles aredifferent, then that's going to
make it hard for you.
It says the two should becomeone.
And so if you're over here onthe left and I'm on the right,
(13:10):
then more than likely we're noteven going to meet up, so we
definitely can't be together.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Right, and you think about that even from.
I think another reason why wedate is for some people date and
this is nothing wrong withdating.
For this reason we said it'sfor preparation for marriage.
Some people just like datingfor socialization.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Yes, yes, that's just to be socializing, just to be
hanging out, just having fun aslong as you're dating, to be
social, not because you don'tlike to be alone.
Oh.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Because if you have, you got to expand on that if you
have a problem with being.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Dating is not a solution for loneliness, because
if you think that I'm going todate someone because I'm lonely,
then basically you're puttingthe responsibility of your
feeling fulfilled on anotherperson.
So dating should not be orgetting married.
You shouldn't be gettingmarried because you're lonely,
(14:03):
because a person can't feel thatyou have to be OK with you and
being with you by yourselfbefore you can give yourself to
somebody else, wow, so I didn'tthink about it in that context.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Because you think about when you first started
dating.
You're not thinking I'm justdoing this to be alone, or is
that your motivation?
I think that requires somebodyto be really thinking about and
having a plan of why am I datingin the first place, which is
what we're talking about on thisThursday Night Live.
You just joined us, welcome,welcome, welcome.
So we are talking about it, sosocializing and having fun,
(14:36):
which is not a problem, but Istill think you have to have a
plan for the purpose of theperson that you're with and
hanging out Right.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
You know because, like we talked about already
about the lifestyle that, whilethat is important, you need to
know, is this person even fun tobe with?
That's one thing I can say thatis so important, and it
continues on throughout therelationship, that you just
enjoy each other's company.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
But you know what, babe?
I didn't know that happened toyou, I didn't know you put
somebody out of your car.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Oh, that happen to you.
I didn't know.
You put somebody out of yourcar.
You still stuck on the firstone.
I did not put the person out.
I asked them to get out because, to salvage their night, I was
thinking about them.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
For all of y'all who think Gil is just quiet and I
control him honey no.
This man has a whole mind ofhis own and he's going to do
what he want to do.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
He put the chick out.
I didn't put her out of the car.
Stop saying that.
I didn't put her out, I justlogically speaking.
It just made better sense to mebecause I was already tuned out
.
This is for those who justjumped in.
I did not kick this person outthe car, I just said I want you
to salvage your night.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
I'm going to release you into your destiny.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Moving on.
How about that?
So we're going to move on tothe last reason and I mentioned
it already and I alreadymentioned it is to find a life
partner.
This is a life partner.
So when we started dating, weknew that we wanted to be
together, even early in ourrelationship.
I can say that even when wewere dating at the very
beginning, even though we hadknown each other for a while.
(16:15):
You're dating because somepeople are wanting to get
married.
If you're listening, singledoesn't mean you're young and
just a teen, preteen, pretwenties, thirties ors you could
be older and still be single.
Yeah, and these still are very,very much.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
And you can be married and you still need to
date.
Dating is a part of your lifeforever, and so that's why I
thought it was really cool whenthe Lord gave this to talk about
.
Dating is that dating is notjust for teenagers, it's not
just for singles, and guess what?
You can date yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
OK, go ahead, Explain that one one, because some
people are like what are youtalking?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
about because we talked about I did like a little
short talking about self-care.
You one of the things, um, wehave a lot of people in our life
that we love and we aregrateful for, but you should be
able to do stuff with yourself.
Have you ever gone to a movieby yourself?
Have you ever all the thingsyou want someone else to do for
(17:11):
you?
Do you get your own nails done?
Do you get your own feet done?
I don't do you.
Oh, I know you don't like.
Oh, you're talking to the ladiesso date yourself and if you're
married, date your mate.
So if you, if you say, well,I'm sitting on a honey body,
date yourself, enjoy yourself.
(17:31):
Enjoy the, the freedom to gowhere you want to go and eat the
food you want, to go to therestaurant you want to do, enjoy
that, because if you can enjoydating you, I guarantee you that
somebody else will enjoy datingyou you know, and there's
nothing wrong with the lastreason we were talking about is
finding that person you want tospend the rest of your life with
, right Because you may be inthe latter stages of life that
(17:54):
you're saying you know what.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
I don't want to be out here messing around because
we all know that there's somecraziness going on, you know.
But on the same token, there'snothing wrong with making that
be known from the jump, from thevery.
Just like me and that girl inthe car, I wanted to have a good
time from the very beginning.
But if you're already naggingand going in, you know what?
Let's just cut the losses.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
You know what?
Okay, so we're going to segueinto the other part of this.
So this is, this is what datingis and what dating does, and
then this is when you shouldn'tdate.
You should not date if youstill have pain from your past.
You haven't unpacked.
And one of the things that Gilsaid in another another one of
(18:38):
our videos.
He said the reason why he umenjoyed me because he said I was
fun and I and I was laughingand and I was like it all makes
sense now Because he had theseexperiences.
So Gil and I are having thisconversation we're talking about
today.
Please do not introduce someoneto your representative, but
(19:00):
please introduce people to thebest version of you.
We all have bad days, we allhave things that are happening,
but if you're still so angry andupset and bitter about what
happened to you, let's just evensay before you get on a date,
then you don't need to be datingyet.
You need to know how tocompartmentalize, which is
(19:23):
something I think that men arereally good at compartmentalize,
which is something I think thatmen are really good at
compartmentalizing how you feel,so that this person does not
get what happened to them, toyou, today, spilled onto them.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Yeah, because that process of we all have past
experience and things that wehave come out of.
But when you carry that forwardinto a new relationship, that
somebody that you just met, it'snot fair to them because they
didn't they had no idea.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
They didn't do anything, they just showed up.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Right, but if you are still holding them accountable
for your past hurt and pain,that is something that you
really need to resolve at thevery beginning.
So what we're talking about now, if you just joined us on this
Thursday night live session,we're talking about why you
should be dating, why youshouldn't be dating and some of
the things that you can actuallylook out for and the first one
is about when you probablyshouldn't be dating right now is
(20:12):
if you're still dealing withsome personal pain from your
past with some of the other ones.
How about this one Unrealisticexpectations?
Speaker 2 (20:22):
In the chat.
If you've had unrealisticexpectations before, put what
that expectation?
Speaker 1 (20:28):
was what does that look like?
You start a date out withsomeone and you expect them to
do A, b, c, d, because let'sjust say your past experiences
with boyfriend, girlfriend, a, b, c, whatever, I have a good one
, ok, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
So if you're going on a date and you expect someone
to spend $300 on the date,that's unrealistic or you think
it should cost a certain amount.
If you're already going to thedate.
Oh, we're going on a date.
We got to spend at least $300.
That's unrealistic, becausewhat if the person that you're
(21:03):
going on a date with plannedsomething that was like that
didn't cost anything, but it wasamazing?
Like they plan to take you andthey're going to be on the river
and you're going to paint andeat.
What if, what if, what if it'snot about the money?
So I think sometimes, if wemake a monetary requirement, I
(21:26):
think that that can be anunrealistic expectation.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
You know, because I think you also have.
I think sometimes, when you'restarting out, you have this
mindset already etched in yourmind how something is supposed
to go or be, or even a person issupposed to behave a certain
way or do a certain thing.
Well, that's an unrealisticexpectation, because when you
already go in having there'snothing wrong, there's a
(21:48):
difference between a standardand an expectation, exactly.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
A standard is what I uphold for me.
An expectation is what I demandof you.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Whoa Say that again.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
A standard is what I live up to for me, and our
expectation is a demand that Iput on you Right, either whether
it's communicated or if it'suncommunicated.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
And that's a good point, because sometimes, if the
expectation is not communicated, that's even a problem too.
But guess what?
Most people will still expectyou to meet it Right.
So how can somebody meet anexpectation that you never told
them that was out there?
Speaker 2 (22:25):
They're supposed to be able to read your mind.
Oh, okay, yeah, that's.
Another unrealistic expectationis to expect someone to be able
to read your mind.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Okay, how about this one?
You're a spiritual mismatch.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Unequally yoked.
That's what the Bible calls it.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
We are followers of Christ and believers and that's
what we follow in.
So we use that as a gauge, thatas a foundation.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
yes, when we, when we got, when we started dating, we
were both heathens.
Neither one of us werebelievers, neither one of us
were christians.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
That's still a funny word to me.
That just makes me sound crazy.
You can just imagine peoplerunning around acting nutty, and
we probably were but you shouldhave the same faith.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
System beliefs, um, either you're both believers or
one is a believer one.
If you're both believers oryou're both not believers, it's
really hard when you are abeliever and you want to, and I.
I think it's even wrong for us,as believers, to have an
expectation of godly behaviorfrom people who have not
(23:26):
committed to follow christ and Iwould even say that, while we
are followers of christ,everybody may not be whatever
your religious or your spiritual?
Faith.
Your faith base is, it shouldbe equal.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
It should be the same .
Yeah, because imagine you getmixed up with someone who is
totally opposite of what you maybelieve.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
You're gonna follow each other, do you think?
Speaker 1 (23:46):
that's going to cause a conflict.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Yes, it is.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Let us tell you from experience over 18 plus years of
working with a lot of peoplethat are faith and not faith.
It's going to be a problembecause you are so focused on
man.
This person looks so good, shesmells so nice, you know, she's
so peaceful.
They have all these positivequalities and characters and
(24:09):
attributes but you're ignoring afoundational thing that should
be a deal breaker for you.
Yes, but you accept it and justdecide oh, we're gonna make it
work.
No, or don't use this one.
They can change, or you canconvert them.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
No, dating is not evangelism.
If you find someone who hasshared your.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Yeah, Don't.
Don't use that as a guideline.
Please, please, please.
We've seen it multiple timeswhere people compromise.
You're better than compromising.
Don't tell yourself short andcompromise on something that is
a foundational principle for youand you just overlook it or
ignore it.
That's not fair to yourself.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
You have to compromise in the relationship
because it's you and the otherperson, but you never compromise
your values.
You can compromise yourposition, you can compromise on
you're going to go to dinner orlunch, but you should never
compromise on your values.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
How about this one?
You find yourself do not date.
If you find yourself needing tomanipulate or give ultimatums
to a person to get them to goout.
Yeah, that doesn't work.
Why doesn't it work?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Because the only control that God gives us is
self-control, and to think thatyou can control another human
being is an effort and futility.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
And I would even say sometimes this will be.
You may be on the receiving endof this one.
If someone is manipulating orkind of giving you ultimatums
for dating them, that should bea red flag a warning sign Run,
run run yeah, because if not,you're going to find yourself
starting to second guess.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Well.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
And compromising.
Right, you know your values,and so that manipulation, what
does that look like?
That may look something likewell, if you really like me,
like you say you do.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah, always try to flip it around.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
When someone tries to flip it around or redo that
reverse psychology, make it seemlike you're the problem.
You may want to say whoa, whoa,whoa, no, no, no, this is not
how it's going to work, becauseif they're starting to
manipulate now, Right, it's onlygoing to escalate.
Or it may look like somethinglike he may say something like
well, I'll go out with herinstead of you.
(26:25):
Or I'm interested in herinstead, or I'm trying to decide
between you and her.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Oh my God, this is not a restaurant menu, you are
not an option, you are thepriority, and if someone can't
make you the priority male orfemale then that's not someone
that's for you.
The person that's for you isgoing to make you their priority
.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
And this one kind of goes back into what Renee
described, the one of don't dateif you feel pressure from peers
, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Girl you ain't got no man.
Man you ain't got no woman.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Like dude when you gonna have kids.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
One of the things well, we got married really
young.
But one of the things that Irealized that people will ask
you questions that they know theanswer to, and so I always
answer questions with questionswhen people ask me like, well,
you had that baby yet yeah, Ihad that baby.
I'm pregnant again.
So people ask you you're notdating yet yeah, I'm dating.
Oh, really dating myself.
(27:26):
Because so many times whenpeople see you doing things that
they can't do or they didn't door they wish they would have
done, it's easier to critiquethan to compliment.
Be okay with you, because whenwe say you are more than enough,
we are not just saying that, wemean that and they're, we're
both gills in the air force.
(27:46):
So I'm, I have spent notanymore a year alone without my
husband and guess what, I didn'tdie.
So a year, 12 months, and Ialready was in a relationship.
So when you're, when you'vealready used to being with
someone, you can spend a wholeyear.
So anything that you think youwant, you're saying, okay, I
(28:10):
want to get married, okay, beable to spend at least that
amount of time by yourself.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Right, you owe that to yourself.
It should be a personal choice.
It should be something thatyou're deciding when you're
ready.
Because Not because- of a clockor oh my gosh, I don't know
what that clock looked like andI've never seen it, you know.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
but that's the clock.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Don't let the clock control, or even the one of
pressure from family members ormom's dads and talking about
well, this is for my older folks.
You know I want grandbabies.
Some people don't need to haveno kids.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Well, tell them to go borrow somebody's you know
practice Get a puppy go visit.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
Work and serve at church, because that still goes
back to you having pressure putupon yourself to do something
that you may not want to.
You may be on this journey ofself-discovery and trying to
figure out what is it that I'mreally looking for.
And if you feel that societalpressure of get out there and go
date just date a lot of peopleand figure it out Figure it out
as you go along or just pressurefrom a lot of different sources
, you may want to say you knowwhat?
Speaker 2 (29:14):
if you feel pressure from other people to make a
decision, you owe it to yourself.
I did the video.
No, it's really a really realword by itself.
No or no, Thank you.
You know, we have to be able tobe confident enough, because
one of the things my godmotherwould always say I want you to
(29:34):
make your own mistakes Right.
So I want you to make decisions.
If you're going to makemistakes, if you're going to
fall off you're going to love,do it because it's what you want
, not because of somebody else.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
I love this.
It's a complete sentence.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
Yes, a complete sentence, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
That's Blanche, and I'll give you one last one.
This is from my guys.
If my guys are out therelistening, be financially stable
.
Oh, it's for the girls too Ifyou ain't ready, do not go out
there.
If you cannot treat your futurewife, woman, girlfriend, fiance
(30:10):
, whatever you want to call them, I ain't saying you got to give
them the best, but you shouldgive them the best.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
It doesn't have to be a financial amount.
No, you should date within yourincome.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
That's what we're talking about Flat out money.
I'm just going to call it likeit is.
If you cannot afford something,be okay with that and say that
from the very beginning, becausethat comes back to the
compatibility, that comes backto being transparent and being
honest with it, because if youdon't have it, you don't have it
.
Because, guess what?
You can go on dates and it notcost you anything.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
If you have to borrow to go on a date, you're not
ready to date.
Yeah.
If you have to borrow to go ona date, you're not ready to date
.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you have to sacrifice, well,I can't pay the light bill, but
we're gonna go on a date.
No, you're not ready to dateyeah, you need to again.
You need to spend some time withyou and a budget and I'm
building the whole.
You can help you get all thattogether, because you need to
(31:06):
learn how to manage money beforeyou decide you're going to be
in a relationship with somebodyelse.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Yeah, and I'm not saying you got to be able to
offer someone filet mignon and avery, very expensive car to a
very, very expensive place.
You have to be able to offerthe best you can by being stable
in your financial resources.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
That you can afford to pay within your rent or not
charge Right, unless you'reusing your debit card, because
that's, that's a real big thing,because family sex and money
destroys more relationships thanum that we're aware of.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
So don't, don't do that to yourself okay, before we
start the last list that we'regoing to share with you guys
tonight about when you thingsyou should do, when you know
you're ready today, we'll giveyou some indicators of that.
What's these cards?
Speaker 2 (31:51):
We're going to play a game y'all tonight.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Oh Lord we're going to play a game.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
I got the cards.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
What are these cards?
These are cards I'm going to behonest with y'all.
I know she got them.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
We had two different cards.
One of them is called HappyHour, and then these cards.
They have a brain on them andI'm going to put the link for
these in our in the description.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
I put that note in there.
If you're interested, goodconversation.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
These are 52 essential relationship skills
and one of the things that werealize is we try to talk a lot
about communication.
And one of the things that werealize is we try to talk a lot
about communication.
But if I had to say the secretsauce in a relationship in our
book Rich Relationships, ourmerit of the marriage, the rich,
the rich relationship refuge,the workbook.
We talk about the tie, which itis trust, identity and empathy
(32:46):
of all the couples we work withover the years, the one thing
that we have noticed the secretingredient missing in most
relationships is empathy, and Ihave a question for y'all,
because you know, we heareveryone's always talking about
this alpha female, this is justme, my question.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
I really want to know legitimately.
This is totally off.
I don't know where she's going,y'all, so I'm along for the
ride.
To me, this is totally off.
I don't know where she's going,y'all, I'm along for the ride.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Come on, okay.
Is an alpha female, somethingthat is genetic in the way God
wired you, or is an alpha female, a female with low empathy and
emotional intelligence?
Speaker 1 (33:26):
Hmm, I would say, if you want to respond to a lady.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
we know some people are in here.
I'm not trying to step onnobody's toes, I'm just
wondering.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Ask the question again one more time.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Is an alpha female.
When you think about thedefinition of what that is, is
that something that is by design?
Speaker 1 (33:49):
That's how you are.
Speaker 2 (33:50):
That's how God wired you to be an alpha female, or is
that a result of a woman whohas any low emotional IQ and low
empathy?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
If you want me to answer it.
No, let's just leave that.
That's going to be rhetorical,that's going to be the question.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
So each week, I'm going to ask one like that.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
So I would say, put that in the chat.
If you're watching this later,by all means respond, because we
want to hear what you guys haveto say, because that may lead
into another segment or anotherconversation we have on these
Thursday Night Lives.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
But let's, let's say that because this is what we're
going to work on building,because, unlike your IQ, your EQ
can increase, and we haveepisodes on Pi emotional
intelligence.
We have an assessment on ourwebsite, a free emotional
(34:40):
intelligence assessment, becausethe more I interact with people
, the more I live life, the moreI work with couples, I realized
that that's something thatpeople don't really pay
attention to.
Everyone says be kind.
But how does that?
How do you do that?
And I would just talk to alittle about today and say well,
when we have empathy, it beingkind just comes natural.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
So, for those who may not be familiar with empathy,
why don't you share with them,as just give an example, a brief
definition of how you seeempathy?
What is empathy?
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Sympathy is.
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
I'm sorry, you feel that way.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
I'm sorry you feel that way here?
Here's a dollar.
Sympathy is I step Empathy,empathy, that's empathy.
So empathy is I'm so sorry, oh,I'm so sorry that happened to
you?
What can I do to help you?
How can I serve you?
How can I and you even begin tofeel what they feel?
(35:38):
So I think of empathy is yourpain in my heart.
So I actually feel it, andempathy requires that you stop
and slow down and you thinkabout this from the other
person's perspective, wheresympathy, you can be in motion.
Empathy requires that you stopand step with.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
I would even say that part is the connection.
You actually feel something forwhat that person may be going
through, right?
So that's what we're talkingabout.
So, if you want to answer thatquestion I see somebody answer
this I think it could be alittle mixture of both.
It can be, yeah absolutely,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
I do too, but I think about it because I know for us.
I mean, I'm Black and I knowthat we can be a little bit hard
.
We can be.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
That may be a whole nother string of things.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
So we are going to always.
So we're going to be working onwe're going to always be
working on things to help us tobuild our empathy.
So, even behind the scenes,you'll be playing a game.
We're going to be building yourempathy muscles, y'all.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
So let's do three.
Let's do three questions, threecards.
And then we're going to giveyou the indicators.
Of you are ready today, soshe's just pulling these at
random.
Are these going to be questionsyou ask me, or we just?
Speaker 2 (36:51):
ask okay, the way that it works, the rules.
They have rules and I love thatit explains it and it gives you
some guidelines okay okay.
So the rules are be respectful,stay curious, show respect.
Okay, okay, so and so.
(37:12):
So this is a relationshipbuilding block, and so then all
the different letters.
So basically, I'm going to askyou a question, and it even
talks about making sure that youif, even if you disagree, you
do it in a way where it'srespectful of the other person,
and I love what miss t just saidhere.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
I'm an alpha female and for me it's respectful of
the other person and I love whatMiss T just said here.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
I'm an alpha female.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
And for me, it's how God designed me, as I have been
told by my mom that I havealways been strong minded, but I
also have empathy.
That is like a man.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
It's a superpower.
I think that when you because Ihave been, I never saw myself
that way, but I guess that iswho I am, but I have always been
strong minded and driven and um, but when I developed empathy,
when I learned it was like asuperpower.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
It was like oh my.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
God.
So you got this big motor andyou got a stern where you can
control it Right.
I think empathy helps you to dothat.
Speaker 1 (38:07):
So let's ask the question.
Okay, so you can share thesequestions with your significant
other, somebody you're datingwith or married, or if you're
watching, even though this is asingles focus right now tonight.
But so this is go ahead.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
OK, so it's.
It says listen.
What can I do to help you see,hear, feel and know that I am
listening?
Speaker 1 (38:29):
OK, read it one more time, for so it says hear, feel
and know that I am listening.
Speaker 2 (38:33):
Okay, read it one more time for her.
So it says listen.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
What can I do to help ?
Speaker 2 (38:40):
you see, hear, feel know that I am listening.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
Wow, and these are rhetorical questions and they
are there to challenge you.
No, I want you to answer.
Oh, you want me to answer.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
I want you to answer.
Oh, you want me to answer, thenI'll answer.
Ok, and then.
And then it also says it saysdescribe a time when you felt
heard and unheard.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
OK, so read the question one more time, just to
just jump in.
And what?
Speaker 2 (38:59):
can I do to help you see, hear, feel, know that I am
listening.
Speaker 1 (39:05):
I would say start out .
We kind of had this happen thisafternoon that when we're
talking, look at me, make eyecontact with if that means
putting your phone down, putyour phone down so I can have
100 percent of your attention.
And so that's something that ifI'm talking and I'm explaining
(39:26):
something to you or sharingsomething with you, if by just
like what you're doing right now, then I know I have your
undivided attention.
That's how I would know.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
Yeah, so it says see, hear, feel and know that I'm
listening.
So describe a time when youfelt heard.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
That same situation, cause you actually stop, you put
your phone down and youactually acknowledge what I was
saying.
You showed me empathy about thesituation, how I felt you.
You said, okay, I will work onthat, and you and she didn't
give me any other um follow-upwith that.
It wasn't a well, this is why,or wasn't an explanation.
(40:04):
She just acknowledged it,accepted it and said, okay, yeah
.
So now same question to you.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Okay, um, and when you felt it says and a time when
you felt unheard Prior to thatprior to that, when you before
you didn't put the phone down.
Let me tell y'all what happenedwhat had happened was, well, we
were having a conversation andI am, I will have.
I do that, wait, what did yousay?
(40:33):
But I also.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
That's what it looks like y'all.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
But I also will go into like five different lanes.
Speaker 1 (40:41):
I'm like changing lanes and my changing lane and
Gil was like you need to putyour turn signal on when you
change topics and change lanes,because I can't keep up and so I
said, okay, you know what, I'msorry, I'm gonna, I'm gonna work
on that.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
I'm changing lanes.
I need to physically say I'msure, because I realized that
we're just we, you know, hey,we're.
He's a male, I'm a female,we're just different, so so I
okay.
So when was the time that Ifelt hurt, a time that I felt
hurt?
Speaker 1 (41:10):
A time that I will.
I know what you're going to saybecause it just happened not
too long ago, but go ahead.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Well, we're trying to find someplace to live, oh no,
this is a new one so.
I've been working on it and hesaid babe, I really appreciate
how hard you've been working tofind something because it's a
lot of work and I appreciatedyou because you said that,
because you that's somethingthat was.
I mean, you didn't have to, butyou noticed it.
(41:35):
So I felt, I felt seen, I feltheard.
And a time when I did not feelheard.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
If you don't have it, I can give it to you.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
I can tell you patio furniture.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Oh, okay, yeah, we shared that with you on a couple
of episodes back where we werein the process of moving and
Renee expressed to me howimportant it was for her to have
some patio furniture that wehad at our old house before we
moved here and I just dismissedit and just eh I forgot about it
.
Yeah, and just casted it off anddidn't take it as serious as it
meant to her.
(42:08):
So she said it multiple timesbut I just kind of dismissed it
and so that caused a big riffand we had a conflict and we
resolved it.
That's why she don't rememberit, which is good.
So I know we went a little bitlong on that one, but since we
try to keep these under an hour,so we want to give you guys the
five things that you know thatyou can date Not that we're
(42:32):
giving you permission thatyou're ready, ready to actually
date.
The very first one I'm going togive you is that you have is
the opposite of what we said inthe very beginning that you have
been healed or that you arehealed from your past hurts and
pains from previousrelationships.
Speaker 2 (42:46):
And the way you'll know you're healed from
something is because the Biblesays out of the abundance of the
heart the mouth speaks.
When you can stop talking aboutit, then you are healed from it
.
If you're still talking aboutit to everybody that will listen
, you're not healed from it yet.
If you talk about it and itmakes you break down in tears,
(43:08):
you're not healed from it yet.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
And talk about it and it makes you break down in
tears, you're not healed from ityet and hopefully you're not
breaking down in tears on a dateyeah so this is why we say
think about these things beforeyou go down that road, then
you'll know, I may not be readyjust yet, because you, and
that's okay.
Yeah, that is definitely OK,you should take that time.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
There is.
You cannot decide, you can'tsay OK, I give you 30 days and
you got to know that's not theway, that's not the way we heal.
So give yourself the time,because you want to be able to
give the best version ofyourself to this other person
and to God and to you.
So take the time, slow down andget here.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Number two.
Ask yourself this question Do Icommunicate effectively?
When we talk aboutcommunicating effectively, we're
talking about not onlyassertive communication, talking
about what you actually needfrom this person, but also are
you listening, to understand,right?
Speaker 2 (44:08):
And so many times we think that communication is
talking.
And I mean how many of us?
God gave us one mouth and twoears, two he wants us to see and
hear more than one.
So listening to understand, notto respond, not to fix yep, and
this kind of goes back to partone.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
the third one is what are your?
You have identified yourrelationship goals.
What is it the reason why youwant to start dating?
Why are you going out there?
As they say, I'm going to putmyself back out there?
Well, putting yourself back outthere is a good thing, but what
is your end result?
What is your objective?
What is it that you want toachieve by going back out there
(44:46):
and dating?
We gave you a list already atthe beginning of this as far as
about some of the reasons whypeople date, even if it's on
that list.
Speaker 2 (44:55):
that's okay, If you just want to hang out with
somebody.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
That's fine, but you need to know why you're going
out there, because if not,you're going to be all over the
place and you're going to justimagine jumping in your car
without a destination in mind,just driving.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
Yeah, I remember once my sister, my little sister,
she said I miss you, you miss meand I said well, what have you
done to make you miss me?
Miss you, I work at beingmissed.
What are you doing to putyourself out there?
What are you putting out there?
Are you putting somebody thatwhen they get in the car and you
(45:30):
late, you're gonna go off on?
They're gonna go off on theperson?
Are you putting yourself outthere and the first person
you're with you're gonna dumpeverything that happened to you
like five years ago in a date?
So when you put yourself outthere, make sure you're putting
not the perfect you not the realyou not the real, but the real
you that's on a journey ofhealing.
(45:51):
One of the things I think aboutwhen Gil said she wasn't, she
was fun.
Speaker 1 (45:56):
Talking about you.
Speaker 2 (45:56):
Yeah, will someone say, you're fun, because that is
a thing you know, a part of thejoy of the Lord.
That's something that we shouldsee in the life of a believer,
and I think sometimes we can beso focused on religion that we
lose sight of the joy of theLord as our strength.
And so get ready, let yourself,let God heal your heart.
Speaker 1 (46:19):
Number four we gave it the opposite of this one,
that I am financially stableenough to actually go out on
some days.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
I got my coins ready.
I got some money saved.
I got some money invested.
I'm a giver saver and sotherefore, you can really be a
blessing to someone on a date.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
Right, and because I know when I've always used this
rule when I was dating.
If I'm asking you out, thenit's on me.
Yes, if I say, hey, let's meetup and offer an open invitation
to, like a group of folks, Idon't mean I'm paying for
everybody, no, no, that justmeans, hey, let's meet up, let's
(47:00):
go do this particular activity.
If you want to join, join, thatmeans it's on you.
But if I say, hey, renee, doyou want to go do ABC, then that
means I've already made thefinancial decision.
Yeah, you do count, you don'tpay for me anyway.
Well, yeah, that's true, butwe're trying to help them.
Speaker 2 (47:18):
Follow along, please.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (47:21):
Y'all get the point.
Y'all get the point and we'regoing to give you the last one
so we can close out today.
We appreciate you guys joiningus.
If you're just joining us late,please go back and look at the
very beginning on this Thursdaynight live, we're talking about
if you're ready, if you're ready, if you're ready in this one,
that you are able to invest thetime, effort and the energy Into
(47:42):
actually dating.
There's nothing worse that Ibelieve in someone who is in it
halfway not available, that Ibelieve in someone who is in it
halfway Not available.
You know, if you're focused oncareer, focus on your career,
don't try to do both.
If that's where your main focusis and that's your priority
right now, because multitaskingis not a real thing.
There's no such thing.
Nobody wants to feel likeyou're half in, right.
(48:04):
If you're half in, then you'regoing to probably get half
interest, right, you know, oryou may not get any interest at
all, because people can tell,yeah, you know, making a time,
making a priority and place, andlet that person know,
especially if you deciding thatyou want to invest time because
that's your most valuableresource, it's not your money,
it's not your career, it's notall the other tangible things.
(48:26):
It is your time because we onlyhave a limited amount of it, so
make sure you invest it wiselyin somebody that is worth the
time, effort and energy.
But you have to know thatbefore you jump in.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
Yes, that's very, very true.
Speaker 1 (48:37):
So those are the list .
One more question and thenwe're going to close it out.
Ok, so these are the questioncards.
Ok, now this is a call masterDescribe a communication skill
you would like to improve.
Speaker 2 (48:52):
We just had this conversation I have got to be
better at.
I'm going to always have towork on listening and how I
listen, and listening withempathy, because empathy is
something I'm just learning todevelop, right.
Speaker 1 (49:06):
So listening with with empathy, and I would say
the polar opposite of that is Ihave to do a better job of
communicating how I feel, yes,my assertiveness about really
thinking about what's reallygoing on with me.
What is it that I'm reallytrying to communicate?
Because I have a tendency to goaround the block, y'all, and go
around the block until Ifinally get to it and Renee will
(49:29):
do some probing questions andshe'll finally say, well, what
about this and what about that?
Yeah, that's it, that's what Iwas getting to.
I just went around the block.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
So, just like Gil is good at listening, he's taught
me how to be a better listener.
I'm good at communicating, soI'm helping him to be a better.
I'm not trying to make him likeme, but when you're with
someone, you're going to learnfrom each other.
Show me your friends and I'llshow you your future.
The people that you spend yourtime with.
They are impacting you.
(49:59):
You say things that they say.
That's why the Bible says evilassociation destroys good
intention.
It's so important that, aswe're going through this thing
called life, that we are mindfulof the people that we're
spending our time with, and thatwe're mindful Because, again,
your time is your most valuableresource.
Invest it wisely, like youinvested your time with us.
(50:25):
We appreciate you guys hangingout with us tonight.
Speaker 1 (50:28):
We thank you for investing your time yes, not
only in us and in this community, but also in yourself, because
the things that we share withyou, we hope that you get
something out of it that you cantake and apply it and apply it
and then graft it into your life, that it can pay huge dividends
and benefits.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
(50:49):
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (50:55):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
(51:15):
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore
healthy relationships.
We're live, hey, everyone.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Hey.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
We are live and we hope you're ready for tonight's
hot night.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Now I know we always start out at least five or six
minutes behind.
It's always technicaldifficulty.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Well, no, actually it wasn't technical difficulties,
we had an issue with the link,so the whole back end of YouTube
.
If you put it in the wrong way,I'll mess it up, so forgive me,
forgive me, forgive me, I ambut a human.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
We charge it to the head and not the heart.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yeah, so we hope you guys are ready for tonight.
You guys have been enjoyingthis.
I hope you guys are enjoying it, and tonight is for our singles
.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
We've been going for the past three, four, maybe five
weeks of working and focusingon couples.
But what if you're not a couple?
Hopefully this will still beapplicable.
So if you know someone who's asingle, we are focused on y'all,
invite a man, invite a man.
We focused on y'all tonight.
You know, you ever had thattime where you wish you would
(01:25):
have had a guide or a benchmarkor a baseline or some help some
instructions about what shouldyou do when you are starting to
date, or should you be dating?
Uh, if I am dating, should Ihave something that I'm looking
forward to, or what should I belooking at?
Speaker 2 (01:46):
or looking for, yeah, and so that's what we're going
to talk about tonight, and sowe're going to have our 10
questions, 10 things thatbasically you need to know, or I
wish I knew, or that will helpyou on your journey towards
dating.
I know some of you guys haveprobably had the wrong link.
Again, I apologize for that.
(02:07):
So we are going to we have thequestions already ready and, as
usual, put your questions in thechat or, if you're watching
this, later on, put yourquestions in the comments and we
will answer them.
So we're going to both answerit, because it's for both males
and females, it's basically forsingles.
So we're going to both answerit because it's for both uh,
males and females, it'sbasically for singles.
So we're going to answer thequestions.
(02:29):
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Okay, I have something I wantto say.
Um, you know it's getting warm,it's starting to get colder,
and so I want to say that I want.
I was asking gil.
I said what if?
If you were a piece of, if youwere a garment?
what would you be A garment?
(02:50):
A garment.
If you were an article ofclothing, would you be a pair of
sweatpants or would you be bluejeans?
In the way that you are inrelationships, Is that
rhetorical?
No, I'm asking you, I want youto answer it, you want me to
answer first.
How about you go?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Okay, I'm going to answer first, because you can
tell she wanted to go first.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I'm going to answer first, if I were a Garmin, I
would be a pair of blue jeans,because one of the things I love
about blue jeans is that bluejeans don't lie to you If you
(03:31):
have gained weight.
Guess what?
Your jeans?
They don't fit you.
And so I think in relationshipsI'm the kind of person that if
something is not working, I'mgoing to tell you, and so it's
important that we are open toknowing, like I mean your jeans.
You can blame the dryer, youcan blame, but you can blame.
But really the reason why thejeans don't fit it's because we
did something too much ofsomething or not enough of
something.
So that's what I would be if Iwere a article clothing.
(03:54):
What would you be, baby?
Speaker 1 (03:55):
I just be.
And you said, as it pertains torelationships.
Yes, as it pertains torelationships.
Of course I'm going to say thejeans would you be?
jeans, because it will alwaysforce you to be get better.
If you know you've gotten alittle bit bigger, you know you
need to do something to get alittle bit smaller, Right?
(04:15):
So that's why I'm going to say,which means, if you want to get
better at doing something,you're going to have to put some
work in.
We talk about work all the timeon this channel when it comes
to your relationships, and thework that we are talking about
tonight is actually in dating.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yes, it's going to be fun, I know.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Renee said we got 10 questions, but we actually going
to give you 15.
We're going to 15, 5, 5, 5.
Just remember 5, 5, 5.
You can do 15?
That's a lot.
Well, 15 in different areas,because there's different stages
and different things that youshould be asking yourself as it
becomes to getting married, orgetting, or not getting married,
but on the road to gettingmarried.
(04:50):
As far as dating, and the firstarea that we want to talk about
is why, why do you date?
Speaker 2 (04:56):
We're going to give you five reasons about why you
date, as we see it, becausebefore we were married, we were
dating date as we see it,because before we were married
we were dating yes, and beforeyou're dating you're single, and
so just know that.
This channel is designed tohelp us all at different stages
in our life, because we allstart off single.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
And the first one is you need it.
You date.
Why you date is to get to knowsomeone.
That's the first one and thereason, the reason.
The reason, the reason why isbecause obviously, you have to
know the person that you want tospend a lot of time with, for
compatibility reasons or ifyou're even wanting to pursue a
(05:36):
relationship.
So I remember going back tothis I asked our back in a few
years.
Back we were in another stateand I used to be a police
officer.
We were traveling and I used toask one of the patrolmen.
I was like you know what?
These are younger guys than Iwas.
I had already been dating.
I asked them what's the purposeof dating?
You know how many answers Iheard.
(05:58):
I heard everything.
This went on for like eighthours all night.
Everybody had reasons andeverybody had their own
philosophy, but I came back withthe reason that you date is
preparation for marriage.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yes, I agree.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
That's just.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
And if you don't agree that dating is preparation
for marriage, put it in thecomment or the chat.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
And why you don't.
Yes, you, you know.
So the first one we weretalking about is so you, the
reason why you're going to bedating someone is to get to know
them right.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
That's so important because, when we were dating,
what was something that stoodout to you as far as getting to
know me, that was, let's say, achallenge for you well, because
I am an extrovert and I amtalkative and you are an
introvert and you are a thinker,and at the time I didn't know
that, and so one of thechallenges was understanding how
(06:51):
to get you to open up, andasking you over and over and
over and over again was not agood strategy, and so a part of
it is learning how tocommunicate with the person in a
way that makes them open up.
And so I realized for you, itwas not asking you over and over
again, it was just asking youwhat you think.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
And that's the operative word that you use in
there is to learn, right, youknow.
So one of the main focal pointsshould be is to learn this
person.
Learn things about them, becurious, be inquisitive about
them.
Be curious, be inquisitive thatis the time to be all those
things, because, as you are in arelationship and the longer it
goes down the road, you're goingto find that you're not going
to talk as much as you used totalk when you were dating.
(07:33):
I think that's where the firstpart, when you have that new
feeling and it's something newyou just want to know every
single thing about this personbecause you're so focused on
just them and you want to knowevery detail and hopefully that
will continue throughout yourrelationship.
But we have learned over thetime of working with couples
that it tends to decline and goback up unless something bad
(07:57):
happens.
When bad things happen, that's,it seems like focus of
conversation becomes paramount.
That's when you have a lot tosay.
But if you started out is tolearn someone, then you'll know
that's a habit that you need tokeep going throughout your
relationship.
That's correct.
So I'll give you the next oneBuild on your emotional intimacy
.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Yes, talk about that.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I know that's your favorite topic.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Yeah, intimacy.
The reason why emotionalintimacy is important is because
intimacy emotionally, emotionalintimacy is not sex.
It's getting to know theirtemperament, it's getting to
know their past, it's getting toknow their views on things, and
(08:41):
so I think a part of it isgetting to know someone
emotionally is more importantthan just getting to know them
physically, because you have tobe vulnerable, right, you have
to be open, you have to trustthat person.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
So I think that's an important because it's going to
force you to go to a deeperlevel.
It's going to force you to notstay so surface, because when
you're first dating, that'swhere you always want to stay.
Yeah, you only want to show thegood part about it.
We're talking about why dating,why do we date, why date at all
?
So that, where Renee is justtalking about, emotional
(09:16):
intimacy is going to allow youto go deeper, at a deeper level,
because as you go deeper intothe relationship, it's going to
give you the ability to be morecommitted.
It's going to be allow you tobe more open with the person
that you're with.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Right, would you say.
Would that be fair to say?
Yes, it would be very, verymuch so.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
And I think that one thing that came out of that time
when I was asking all theyounger guys these are all
single guys too, so they wereasking, you know, a lot of them
would say is to explorecompatibility.
So that's number three exploreincompatibility.
You know, how do you know ifI'm even compatible with this
person?
First off, you got to talk andget to know them.
But why is compatibility soimportant?
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Well, because it's just.
It's just like, if you, as awoman, if you're trying to get
together, you're trying to getready, you want to make sure
that things are coordinated andthey match and they look good
together.
Well, it's the same thing withbeing compatible with someone.
You need to know their values,you need to know their goals,
you need to know their dreams,you need to know their deal
breakers, and so you need tohave an idea of their character.
(10:17):
And so if those things don'tline up, no matter how much you
may be interested, if you're notcompatible, it won't last.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
You know, I remember when I was dating, in the dating
phase, even before Renee, Iknew this but I didn't know it.
I remember going on a date withsomeone and the person got into
the car and I think I was maybeand I'm a very punctual person,
I try to be on time for a lotof things.
Even now, to this day, it'simportant to me and even then,
(10:49):
when we were dating, it wasimportant to be on time and I
think it was traffic orsomething and I was late and I
think it was only like twominutes or three minutes late
and the minute this person thisis the first date Now the person
got into the car and they justwent in just started talking
about what?
as far as about why I was late,as far as, like you were late,
and all I heard was you rememberthat cartoon?
(11:11):
And I was like I just met thisperson and they're already going
in and before I could even putthe car in drive, you know what
I did.
What'd you say?
I said you know what, I don'tthink this is going to work.
I ended it right then and there, before I even pulled out the
driveway, I said you know what?
You know that compatibility wastotally off right from the very
(11:33):
beginning, because can wediscuss things Absolutely?
But this person was going in.
Yeah, I mean like hard, likecomplaining from the jump, not
hey, and not even give me achance to explain why I was late
.
Just, you were late and I justtuned it out.
I instantly shut it off andthey went in.
I said let's end the date rightnow because it's still early.
(11:55):
You got time to catch up withyour friends, I got time to
catch up with my friends and wecan salvage a good day as far as
a good night.
It was like a Saturday night.
You know you don't want towaste it.
So imagine that you go downthat road, you go on a date and
you are in and I just seen itgoing downhill like this the
(12:16):
whole night.
So why would you try to salvageit?
I just said you know what I'mgoing to cut it loose right now.
And when I said that, she kindof looked at me like, are you
serious?
Yeah, yeah, I am.
So that's one thing.
So that's just something thatcame because we try to apply
things that are actuallyhappening in real life and that
was something that happened inreal life.
(12:37):
So that compatibility is very,very much important.
Because on the other side ofthat, what about the lifestyle?
Do you think dating and knowinga person's lifestyle is
important?
Yeah, why?
Speaker 2 (12:48):
because if let's just say, for example, if and if I
even not even like our exercisehabits, our nutritional habits
hi, welcome me.
I'm so glad you're here.
Um, if our lifestyles aredifferent, then that's going to
make it hard for you.
It says the two should becomeone.
And so if you're over here onthe left and I'm on the right,
(13:10):
then more than likely we're noteven going to meet up, so we
definitely can't be together.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Right, and you think about that even from.
I think another reason why wedate is for some people date and
this is nothing wrong withdating.
For this reason we said it'sfor preparation for marriage.
Some people just like datingfor socialization.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Yes, yes, that's just to be socializing, just to be
hanging out, just having fun aslong as you're dating, to be
social, not because you don'tlike to be alone.
Oh.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Because if you have, you got to expand on that if you
have a problem with being.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Dating is not a solution for loneliness, because
if you think that I'm going todate someone because I'm lonely,
then basically you're puttingthe responsibility of your
feeling fulfilled on anotherperson.
So dating should not be orgetting married.
You shouldn't be gettingmarried because you're lonely,
(14:03):
because a person can't feel thatyou have to be OK with you and
being with you by yourselfbefore you can give yourself to
somebody else, wow, so I didn'tthink about it in that context.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Because you think about when you first started
dating.
You're not thinking I'm justdoing this to be alone, or is
that your motivation?
I think that requires somebodyto be really thinking about and
having a plan of why am I datingin the first place, which is
what we're talking about on thisThursday Night Live.
You just joined us, welcome,welcome, welcome.
So we are talking about it, sosocializing and having fun,
(14:36):
which is not a problem, but Istill think you have to have a
plan for the purpose of theperson that you're with and
hanging out Right.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
You know because, like we talked about already
about the lifestyle that, whilethat is important, you need to
know, is this person even fun tobe with?
That's one thing I can say thatis so important, and it
continues on throughout therelationship, that you just
enjoy each other's company.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
But you know what, babe?
I didn't know that happened toyou, I didn't know you put
somebody out of your car.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Oh, that happen to you.
I didn't know.
You put somebody out of yourcar.
You still stuck on the firstone.
I did not put the person out.
I asked them to get out because, to salvage their night, I was
thinking about them.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
For all of y'all who think Gil is just quiet and I
control him honey no.
This man has a whole mind ofhis own and he's going to do
what he want to do.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
He put the chick out.
I didn't put her out of the car.
Stop saying that.
I didn't put her out, I justlogically speaking.
It just made better sense to mebecause I was already tuned out
.
This is for those who justjumped in.
I did not kick this person outthe car, I just said I want you
to salvage your night.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
I'm going to release you into your destiny.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Moving on.
How about that?
So we're going to move on tothe last reason and I mentioned
it already and I alreadymentioned it is to find a life
partner.
This is a life partner.
So when we started dating, weknew that we wanted to be
together, even early in ourrelationship.
I can say that even when wewere dating at the very
beginning, even though we hadknown each other for a while.
(16:15):
You're dating because somepeople are wanting to get
married.
If you're listening, singledoesn't mean you're young and
just a teen, preteen, pretwenties, thirties ors you could
be older and still be single.
Yeah, and these still are very,very much.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
And you can be married and you still need to
date.
Dating is a part of your lifeforever, and so that's why I
thought it was really cool whenthe Lord gave this to talk about
.
Dating is that dating is notjust for teenagers, it's not
just for singles, and guess what?
You can date yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
OK, go ahead, Explain that one one, because some
people are like what are youtalking?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
about because we talked about I did like a little
short talking about self-care.
You one of the things, um, wehave a lot of people in our life
that we love and we aregrateful for, but you should be
able to do stuff with yourself.
Have you ever gone to a movieby yourself?
Have you ever all the thingsyou want someone else to do for
(17:11):
you?
Do you get your own nails done?
Do you get your own feet done?
I don't do you.
Oh, I know you don't like.
Oh, you're talking to the ladiesso date yourself and if you're
married, date your mate.
So if you, if you say, well,I'm sitting on a honey body,
date yourself, enjoy yourself.
(17:31):
Enjoy the, the freedom to gowhere you want to go and eat the
food you want, to go to therestaurant you want to do, enjoy
that, because if you can enjoydating you, I guarantee you that
somebody else will enjoy datingyou you know, and there's
nothing wrong with the lastreason we were talking about is
finding that person you want tospend the rest of your life with
, right Because you may be inthe latter stages of life that
(17:54):
you're saying you know what.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
I don't want to be out here messing around because
we all know that there's somecraziness going on, you know.
But on the same token, there'snothing wrong with making that
be known from the jump, from thevery.
Just like me and that girl inthe car, I wanted to have a good
time from the very beginning.
But if you're already naggingand going in, you know what?
Let's just cut the losses.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
You know what?
Okay, so we're going to segueinto the other part of this.
So this is, this is what datingis and what dating does, and
then this is when you shouldn'tdate.
You should not date if youstill have pain from your past.
You haven't unpacked.
And one of the things that Gilsaid in another another one of
(18:38):
our videos.
He said the reason why he umenjoyed me because he said I was
fun and I and I was laughingand and I was like it all makes
sense now Because he had theseexperiences.
So Gil and I are having thisconversation we're talking about
today.
Please do not introduce someoneto your representative, but
(19:00):
please introduce people to thebest version of you.
We all have bad days, we allhave things that are happening,
but if you're still so angry andupset and bitter about what
happened to you, let's just evensay before you get on a date,
then you don't need to be datingyet.
You need to know how tocompartmentalize, which is
(19:23):
something I think that men arereally good at compartmentalize,
which is something I think thatmen are really good at
compartmentalizing how you feel,so that this person does not
get what happened to them, toyou, today, spilled onto them.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Yeah, because that process of we all have past
experience and things that wehave come out of.
But when you carry that forwardinto a new relationship, that
somebody that you just met, it'snot fair to them because they
didn't they had no idea.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
They didn't do anything, they just showed up.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Right, but if you are still holding them accountable
for your past hurt and pain,that is something that you
really need to resolve at thevery beginning.
So what we're talking about now, if you just joined us on this
Thursday night live session,we're talking about why you
should be dating, why youshouldn't be dating and some of
the things that you can actuallylook out for and the first one
is about when you probablyshouldn't be dating right now is
(20:12):
if you're still dealing withsome personal pain from your
past with some of the other ones.
How about this one Unrealisticexpectations?
Speaker 2 (20:22):
In the chat.
If you've had unrealisticexpectations before, put what
that expectation?
Speaker 1 (20:28):
was what does that look like?
You start a date out withsomeone and you expect them to
do A, b, c, d, because let'sjust say your past experiences
with boyfriend, girlfriend, a, b, c, whatever, I have a good one
, ok, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
So if you're going on a date and you expect someone
to spend $300 on the date,that's unrealistic or you think
it should cost a certain amount.
If you're already going to thedate.
Oh, we're going on a date.
We got to spend at least $300.
That's unrealistic, becausewhat if the person that you're
(21:03):
going on a date with plannedsomething that was like that
didn't cost anything, but it wasamazing?
Like they plan to take you andthey're going to be on the river
and you're going to paint andeat.
What if, what if, what if it'snot about the money?
So I think sometimes, if wemake a monetary requirement, I
(21:26):
think that that can be anunrealistic expectation.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
You know, because I think you also have.
I think sometimes, when you'restarting out, you have this
mindset already etched in yourmind how something is supposed
to go or be, or even a person issupposed to behave a certain
way or do a certain thing.
Well, that's an unrealisticexpectation, because when you
already go in having there'snothing wrong, there's a
(21:48):
difference between a standardand an expectation, exactly.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
A standard is what I uphold for me.
An expectation is what I demandof you.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Whoa Say that again.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
A standard is what I live up to for me, and our
expectation is a demand that Iput on you Right, either whether
it's communicated or if it'suncommunicated.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
And that's a good point, because sometimes, if the
expectation is not communicated, that's even a problem too.
But guess what?
Most people will still expectyou to meet it Right.
So how can somebody meet anexpectation that you never told
them that was out there?
Speaker 2 (22:25):
They're supposed to be able to read your mind.
Oh, okay, yeah, that's.
Another unrealistic expectationis to expect someone to be able
to read your mind.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Okay, how about this one?
You're a spiritual mismatch.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Unequally yoked.
That's what the Bible calls it.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
We are followers of Christ and believers and that's
what we follow in.
So we use that as a gauge, thatas a foundation.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
yes, when we, when we got, when we started dating, we
were both heathens.
Neither one of us werebelievers, neither one of us
were christians.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
That's still a funny word to me.
That just makes me sound crazy.
You can just imagine peoplerunning around acting nutty, and
we probably were but you shouldhave the same faith.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
System beliefs, um, either you're both believers or
one is a believer one.
If you're both believers oryou're both not believers, it's
really hard when you are abeliever and you want to, and I.
I think it's even wrong for us,as believers, to have an
expectation of godly behaviorfrom people who have not
(23:26):
committed to follow christ and Iwould even say that, while we
are followers of christ,everybody may not be whatever
your religious or your spiritual?
Faith.
Your faith base is, it shouldbe equal.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
It should be the same .
Yeah, because imagine you getmixed up with someone who is
totally opposite of what you maybelieve.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
You're gonna follow each other, do you think?
Speaker 1 (23:46):
that's going to cause a conflict.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Yes, it is.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Let us tell you from experience over 18 plus years of
working with a lot of peoplethat are faith and not faith.
It's going to be a problembecause you are so focused on
man.
This person looks so good, shesmells so nice, you know, she's
so peaceful.
They have all these positivequalities and characters and
(24:09):
attributes but you're ignoring afoundational thing that should
be a deal breaker for you.
Yes, but you accept it and justdecide oh, we're gonna make it
work.
No, or don't use this one.
They can change, or you canconvert them.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
No, dating is not evangelism.
If you find someone who hasshared your.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Yeah, Don't.
Don't use that as a guideline.
Please, please, please.
We've seen it multiple timeswhere people compromise.
You're better than compromising.
Don't tell yourself short andcompromise on something that is
a foundational principle for youand you just overlook it or
ignore it.
That's not fair to yourself.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
You have to compromise in the relationship
because it's you and the otherperson, but you never compromise
your values.
You can compromise yourposition, you can compromise on
you're going to go to dinner orlunch, but you should never
compromise on your values.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
How about this one?
You find yourself do not date.
If you find yourself needing tomanipulate or give ultimatums
to a person to get them to goout.
Yeah, that doesn't work.
Why doesn't it work?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Because the only control that God gives us is
self-control, and to think thatyou can control another human
being is an effort and futility.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
And I would even say sometimes this will be.
You may be on the receiving endof this one.
If someone is manipulating orkind of giving you ultimatums
for dating them, that should bea red flag a warning sign Run,
run run yeah, because if not,you're going to find yourself
starting to second guess.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Well.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
And compromising.
Right, you know your values,and so that manipulation, what
does that look like?
That may look something likewell, if you really like me,
like you say you do.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah, always try to flip it around.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
When someone tries to flip it around or redo that
reverse psychology, make it seemlike you're the problem.
You may want to say whoa, whoa,whoa, no, no, no, this is not
how it's going to work, becauseif they're starting to
manipulate now, Right, it's onlygoing to escalate.
Or it may look like somethinglike he may say something like
well, I'll go out with herinstead of you.
(26:25):
Or I'm interested in herinstead, or I'm trying to decide
between you and her.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Oh my God, this is not a restaurant menu, you are
not an option, you are thepriority, and if someone can't
make you the priority male orfemale then that's not someone
that's for you.
The person that's for you isgoing to make you their priority
.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
And this one kind of goes back into what Renee
described, the one of don't dateif you feel pressure from peers
, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Girl you ain't got no man.
Man you ain't got no woman.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
Like dude when you gonna have kids.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
One of the things well, we got married really
young.
But one of the things that Irealized that people will ask
you questions that they know theanswer to, and so I always
answer questions with questionswhen people ask me like, well,
you had that baby yet yeah, Ihad that baby.
I'm pregnant again.
So people ask you you're notdating yet yeah, I'm dating.
Oh, really dating myself.
(27:26):
Because so many times whenpeople see you doing things that
they can't do or they didn't door they wish they would have
done, it's easier to critiquethan to compliment.
Be okay with you, because whenwe say you are more than enough,
we are not just saying that, wemean that and they're, we're
both gills in the air force.
(27:46):
So I'm, I have spent notanymore a year alone without my
husband and guess what, I didn'tdie.
So a year, 12 months, and Ialready was in a relationship.
So when you're, when you'vealready used to being with
someone, you can spend a wholeyear.
So anything that you think youwant, you're saying, okay, I
(28:10):
want to get married, okay, beable to spend at least that
amount of time by yourself.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Right, you owe that to yourself.
It should be a personal choice.
It should be something thatyou're deciding when you're
ready.
Because Not because- of a clockor oh my gosh, I don't know
what that clock looked like andI've never seen it, you know.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
but that's the clock.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Don't let the clock control, or even the one of
pressure from family members ormom's dads and talking about
well, this is for my older folks.
You know I want grandbabies.
Some people don't need to haveno kids.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Well, tell them to go borrow somebody's you know
practice Get a puppy go visit.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
Work and serve at church, because that still goes
back to you having pressure putupon yourself to do something
that you may not want to.
You may be on this journey ofself-discovery and trying to
figure out what is it that I'mreally looking for.
And if you feel that societalpressure of get out there and go
date just date a lot of peopleand figure it out Figure it out
as you go along or just pressurefrom a lot of different sources
, you may want to say you knowwhat?
Speaker 2 (29:14):
if you feel pressure from other people to make a
decision, you owe it to yourself.
I did the video.
No, it's really a really realword by itself.
No or no, Thank you.
You know, we have to be able tobe confident enough, because
one of the things my godmotherwould always say I want you to
(29:34):
make your own mistakes Right.
So I want you to make decisions.
If you're going to makemistakes, if you're going to
fall off you're going to love,do it because it's what you want
, not because of somebody else.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
I love this.
It's a complete sentence.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
Yes, a complete sentence, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
That's Blanche, and I'll give you one last one.
This is from my guys.
If my guys are out therelistening, be financially stable
.
Oh, it's for the girls too Ifyou ain't ready, do not go out
there.
If you cannot treat your futurewife, woman, girlfriend, fiance
(30:10):
, whatever you want to call them, I ain't saying you got to give
them the best, but you shouldgive them the best.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
It doesn't have to be a financial amount.
No, you should date within yourincome.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
That's what we're talking about Flat out money.
I'm just going to call it likeit is.
If you cannot afford something,be okay with that and say that
from the very beginning, becausethat comes back to the
compatibility, that comes backto being transparent and being
honest with it, because if youdon't have it, you don't have it
.
Because, guess what?
You can go on dates and it notcost you anything.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
If you have to borrow to go on a date, you're not
ready to date.
Yeah.
If you have to borrow to go ona date, you're not ready to date
.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you have to sacrifice, well,I can't pay the light bill, but
we're gonna go on a date.
No, you're not ready to dateyeah, you need to again.
You need to spend some time withyou and a budget and I'm
building the whole.
You can help you get all thattogether, because you need to
(31:06):
learn how to manage money beforeyou decide you're going to be
in a relationship with somebodyelse.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Yeah, and I'm not saying you got to be able to
offer someone filet mignon and avery, very expensive car to a
very, very expensive place.
You have to be able to offerthe best you can by being stable
in your financial resources.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
That you can afford to pay within your rent or not
charge Right, unless you'reusing your debit card, because
that's, that's a real big thing,because family sex and money
destroys more relationships thanum that we're aware of.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
So don't, don't do that to yourself okay, before we
start the last list that we'regoing to share with you guys
tonight about when you thingsyou should do, when you know
you're ready today, we'll giveyou some indicators of that.
What's these cards?
Speaker 2 (31:51):
We're going to play a game y'all tonight.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Oh Lord we're going to play a game.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
I got the cards.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
What are these cards?
These are cards I'm going to behonest with y'all.
I know she got them.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
We had two different cards.
One of them is called HappyHour, and then these cards.
They have a brain on them andI'm going to put the link for
these in our in the description.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
I put that note in there.
If you're interested, goodconversation.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
These are 52 essential relationship skills
and one of the things that werealize is we try to talk a lot
about communication.
And one of the things that werealize is we try to talk a lot
about communication.
But if I had to say the secretsauce in a relationship in our
book Rich Relationships, ourmerit of the marriage, the rich,
the rich relationship refuge,the workbook.
We talk about the tie, which itis trust, identity and empathy
(32:46):
of all the couples we work withover the years, the one thing
that we have noticed the secretingredient missing in most
relationships is empathy, and Ihave a question for y'all,
because you know, we heareveryone's always talking about
this alpha female, this is justme, my question.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
I really want to know legitimately.
This is totally off.
I don't know where she's going,y'all, so I'm along for the
ride.
To me, this is totally off.
I don't know where she's going,y'all, I'm along for the ride.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Come on, okay.
Is an alpha female, somethingthat is genetic in the way God
wired you, or is an alpha female, a female with low empathy and
emotional intelligence?
Speaker 1 (33:26):
Hmm, I would say, if you want to respond to a lady.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
we know some people are in here.
I'm not trying to step onnobody's toes, I'm just
wondering.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Ask the question again one more time.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Is an alpha female.
When you think about thedefinition of what that is, is
that something that is by design?
Speaker 1 (33:49):
That's how you are.
Speaker 2 (33:50):
That's how God wired you to be an alpha female, or is
that a result of a woman whohas any low emotional IQ and low
empathy?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
If you want me to answer it.
No, let's just leave that.
That's going to be rhetorical,that's going to be the question.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
So each week, I'm going to ask one like that.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
So I would say, put that in the chat.
If you're watching this later,by all means respond, because we
want to hear what you guys haveto say, because that may lead
into another segment or anotherconversation we have on these
Thursday Night Lives.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
But let's, let's say that because this is what we're
going to work on building,because, unlike your IQ, your EQ
can increase, and we haveepisodes on Pi emotional
intelligence.
We have an assessment on ourwebsite, a free emotional
(34:40):
intelligence assessment, becausethe more I interact with people
, the more I live life, the moreI work with couples, I realized
that that's something thatpeople don't really pay
attention to.
Everyone says be kind.
But how does that?
How do you do that?
And I would just talk to alittle about today and say well,
when we have empathy, it beingkind just comes natural.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
So, for those who may not be familiar with empathy,
why don't you share with them,as just give an example, a brief
definition of how you seeempathy?
What is empathy?
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Sympathy is.
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
I'm sorry, you feel that way.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
I'm sorry you feel that way here?
Here's a dollar.
Sympathy is I step Empathy,empathy, that's empathy.
So empathy is I'm so sorry, oh,I'm so sorry that happened to
you?
What can I do to help you?
How can I serve you?
How can I and you even begin tofeel what they feel?
(35:38):
So I think of empathy is yourpain in my heart.
So I actually feel it, andempathy requires that you stop
and slow down and you thinkabout this from the other
person's perspective, wheresympathy, you can be in motion.
Empathy requires that you stopand step with.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
I would even say that part is the connection.
You actually feel something forwhat that person may be going
through, right?
So that's what we're talkingabout.
So, if you want to answer thatquestion I see somebody answer
this I think it could be alittle mixture of both.
It can be, yeah absolutely,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
I do too, but I think about it because I know for us.
I mean, I'm Black and I knowthat we can be a little bit hard
.
We can be.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
That may be a whole nother string of things.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
So we are going to always.
So we're going to be working onwe're going to always be
working on things to help us tobuild our empathy.
So, even behind the scenes,you'll be playing a game.
We're going to be building yourempathy muscles, y'all.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
So let's do three.
Let's do three questions, threecards.
And then we're going to giveyou the indicators.
Of you are ready today, soshe's just pulling these at
random.
Are these going to be questionsyou ask me, or we just?
Speaker 2 (36:51):
ask okay, the way that it works, the rules.
They have rules and I love thatit explains it and it gives you
some guidelines okay okay.
So the rules are be respectful,stay curious, show respect.
Okay, okay, so and so.
(37:12):
So this is a relationshipbuilding block, and so then all
the different letters.
So basically, I'm going to askyou a question, and it even
talks about making sure that youif, even if you disagree, you
do it in a way where it'srespectful of the other person,
and I love what miss t just saidhere.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
I'm an alpha female and for me it's respectful of
the other person and I love whatMiss T just said here.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
I'm an alpha female.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
And for me, it's how God designed me, as I have been
told by my mom that I havealways been strong minded, but I
also have empathy.
That is like a man.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
It's a superpower.
I think that when you because Ihave been, I never saw myself
that way, but I guess that iswho I am, but I have always been
strong minded and driven and um, but when I developed empathy,
when I learned it was like asuperpower.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
It was like oh my.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
God.
So you got this big motor andyou got a stern where you can
control it Right.
I think empathy helps you to dothat.
Speaker 1 (38:07):
So let's ask the question.
Okay, so you can share thesequestions with your significant
other, somebody you're datingwith or married, or if you're
watching, even though this is asingles focus right now tonight.
But so this is go ahead.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
OK, so it's.
It says listen.
What can I do to help you see,hear, feel and know that I am
listening?
Speaker 1 (38:29):
OK, read it one more time, for so it says hear, feel
and know that I am listening.
Speaker 2 (38:33):
Okay, read it one more time for her.
So it says listen.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
What can I do to help ?
Speaker 2 (38:40):
you see, hear, feel know that I am listening.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
Wow, and these are rhetorical questions and they
are there to challenge you.
No, I want you to answer.
Oh, you want me to answer.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
I want you to answer.
Oh, you want me to answer, thenI'll answer.
Ok, and then.
And then it also says it saysdescribe a time when you felt
heard and unheard.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
OK, so read the question one more time, just to
just jump in.
And what?
Speaker 2 (38:59):
can I do to help you see, hear, feel, know that I am
listening.
Speaker 1 (39:05):
I would say start out .
We kind of had this happen thisafternoon that when we're
talking, look at me, make eyecontact with if that means
putting your phone down, putyour phone down so I can have
100 percent of your attention.
And so that's something that ifI'm talking and I'm explaining
(39:26):
something to you or sharingsomething with you, if by just
like what you're doing right now, then I know I have your
undivided attention.
That's how I would know.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
Yeah, so it says see, hear, feel and know that I'm
listening.
So describe a time when youfelt heard.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
That same situation, cause you actually stop, you put
your phone down and youactually acknowledge what I was
saying.
You showed me empathy about thesituation, how I felt you.
You said, okay, I will work onthat, and you and she didn't
give me any other um follow-upwith that.
It wasn't a well, this is why,or wasn't an explanation.
(40:04):
She just acknowledged it,accepted it and said, okay, yeah
.
So now same question to you.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Okay, um, and when you felt it says and a time when
you felt unheard Prior to thatprior to that, when you before
you didn't put the phone down.
Let me tell y'all what happenedwhat had happened was, well, we
were having a conversation andI am, I will have.
I do that, wait, what did yousay?
(40:33):
But I also.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
That's what it looks like y'all.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
But I also will go into like five different lanes.
Speaker 1 (40:41):
I'm like changing lanes and my changing lane and
Gil was like you need to putyour turn signal on when you
change topics and change lanes,because I can't keep up and so I
said, okay, you know what, I'msorry, I'm gonna, I'm gonna work
on that.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
I'm changing lanes.
I need to physically say I'msure, because I realized that
we're just we, you know, hey,we're.
He's a male, I'm a female,we're just different, so so I
okay.
So when was the time that Ifelt hurt, a time that I felt
hurt?
Speaker 1 (41:10):
A time that I will.
I know what you're going to saybecause it just happened not
too long ago, but go ahead.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Well, we're trying to find someplace to live, oh no,
this is a new one so.
I've been working on it and hesaid babe, I really appreciate
how hard you've been working tofind something because it's a
lot of work and I appreciatedyou because you said that,
because you that's somethingthat was.
I mean, you didn't have to, butyou noticed it.
(41:35):
So I felt, I felt seen, I feltheard.
And a time when I did not feelheard.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
If you don't have it, I can give it to you.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
I can tell you patio furniture.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Oh, okay, yeah, we shared that with you on a couple
of episodes back where we werein the process of moving and
Renee expressed to me howimportant it was for her to have
some patio furniture that wehad at our old house before we
moved here and I just dismissedit and just eh I forgot about it
.
Yeah, and just casted it off anddidn't take it as serious as it
meant to her.
(42:08):
So she said it multiple timesbut I just kind of dismissed it
and so that caused a big riffand we had a conflict and we
resolved it.
That's why she don't rememberit, which is good.
So I know we went a little bitlong on that one, but since we
try to keep these under an hour,so we want to give you guys the
five things that you know thatyou can date Not that we're
(42:32):
giving you permission thatyou're ready, ready to actually
date.
The very first one I'm going togive you is that you have is
the opposite of what we said inthe very beginning that you have
been healed or that you arehealed from your past hurts and
pains from previousrelationships.
Speaker 2 (42:46):
And the way you'll know you're healed from
something is because the Biblesays out of the abundance of the
heart the mouth speaks.
When you can stop talking aboutit, then you are healed from it
.
If you're still talking aboutit to everybody that will listen
, you're not healed from it yet.
If you talk about it and itmakes you break down in tears,
(43:08):
you're not healed from it yet.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
And talk about it and it makes you break down in
tears, you're not healed from ityet and hopefully you're not
breaking down in tears on a dateyeah so this is why we say
think about these things beforeyou go down that road, then
you'll know, I may not be readyjust yet, because you, and
that's okay.
Yeah, that is definitely OK,you should take that time.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
There is.
You cannot decide, you can'tsay OK, I give you 30 days and
you got to know that's not theway, that's not the way we heal.
So give yourself the time,because you want to be able to
give the best version ofyourself to this other person
and to God and to you.
So take the time, slow down andget here.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
Number two.
Ask yourself this question Do Icommunicate effectively?
When we talk aboutcommunicating effectively, we're
talking about not onlyassertive communication, talking
about what you actually needfrom this person, but also are
you listening, to understand,right?
Speaker 2 (44:08):
And so many times we think that communication is
talking.
And I mean how many of us?
God gave us one mouth and twoears, two he wants us to see and
hear more than one.
So listening to understand, notto respond, not to fix yep, and
this kind of goes back to partone.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
the third one is what are your?
You have identified yourrelationship goals.
What is it the reason why youwant to start dating?
Why are you going out there?
As they say, I'm going to putmyself back out there?
Well, putting yourself back outthere is a good thing, but what
is your end result?
What is your objective?
What is it that you want toachieve by going back out there
(44:46):
and dating?
We gave you a list already atthe beginning of this as far as
about some of the reasons whypeople date, even if it's on
that list.
Speaker 2 (44:55):
that's okay, If you just want to hang out with
somebody.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
That's fine, but you need to know why you're going
out there, because if not,you're going to be all over the
place and you're going to justimagine jumping in your car
without a destination in mind,just driving.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
Yeah, I remember once my sister, my little sister,
she said I miss you, you miss meand I said well, what have you
done to make you miss me?
Miss you, I work at beingmissed.
What are you doing to putyourself out there?
What are you putting out there?
Are you putting somebody thatwhen they get in the car and you
(45:30):
late, you're gonna go off on?
They're gonna go off on theperson?
Are you putting yourself outthere and the first person
you're with you're gonna dumpeverything that happened to you
like five years ago in a date?
So when you put yourself outthere, make sure you're putting
not the perfect you not the realyou not the real, but the real
you that's on a journey ofhealing.
(45:51):
One of the things I think aboutwhen Gil said she wasn't, she
was fun.
Speaker 1 (45:56):
Talking about you.
Speaker 2 (45:56):
Yeah, will someone say, you're fun, because that is
a thing you know, a part of thejoy of the Lord.
That's something that we shouldsee in the life of a believer,
and I think sometimes we can beso focused on religion that we
lose sight of the joy of theLord as our strength.
And so get ready, let yourself,let God heal your heart.
Speaker 1 (46:19):
Number four we gave it the opposite of this one,
that I am financially stableenough to actually go out on
some days.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
I got my coins ready.
I got some money saved.
I got some money invested.
I'm a giver saver and sotherefore, you can really be a
blessing to someone on a date.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
Right, and because I know when I've always used this
rule when I was dating.
If I'm asking you out, thenit's on me.
Yes, if I say, hey, let's meetup and offer an open invitation
to, like a group of folks, Idon't mean I'm paying for
everybody, no, no, that justmeans, hey, let's meet up, let's
(47:00):
go do this particular activity.
If you want to join, join, thatmeans it's on you.
But if I say, hey, renee, doyou want to go do ABC, then that
means I've already made thefinancial decision.
Yeah, you do count, you don'tpay for me anyway.
Well, yeah, that's true, butwe're trying to help them.
Speaker 2 (47:18):
Follow along, please.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (47:21):
Y'all get the point.
Y'all get the point and we'regoing to give you the last one
so we can close out today.
We appreciate you guys joiningus.
If you're just joining us late,please go back and look at the
very beginning on this Thursdaynight live, we're talking about
if you're ready, if you're ready, if you're ready in this one,
that you are able to invest thetime, effort and the energy Into
(47:42):
actually dating.
There's nothing worse that Ibelieve in someone who is in it
halfway not available, that Ibelieve in someone who is in it
halfway Not available.
You know, if you're focused oncareer, focus on your career,
don't try to do both.
If that's where your main focusis and that's your priority
right now, because multitaskingis not a real thing.
There's no such thing.
Nobody wants to feel likeyou're half in, right.
(48:04):
If you're half in, then you'regoing to probably get half
interest, right, you know, oryou may not get any interest at
all, because people can tell,yeah, you know, making a time,
making a priority and place, andlet that person know,
especially if you deciding thatyou want to invest time because
that's your most valuableresource, it's not your money,
it's not your career, it's notall the other tangible things.
(48:26):
It is your time because we onlyhave a limited amount of it, so
make sure you invest it wiselyin somebody that is worth the
time, effort and energy.
But you have to know thatbefore you jump in.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
Yes, that's very, very true.
Speaker 1 (48:37):
So those are the list .
One more question and thenwe're going to close it out.
Ok, so these are the questioncards.
Ok, now this is a call masterDescribe a communication skill
you would like to improve.
Speaker 2 (48:52):
We just had this conversation I have got to be
better at.
I'm going to always have towork on listening and how I
listen, and listening withempathy, because empathy is
something I'm just learning todevelop, right.
Speaker 1 (49:06):
So listening with with empathy, and I would say
the polar opposite of that is Ihave to do a better job of
communicating how I feel, yes,my assertiveness about really
thinking about what's reallygoing on with me.
What is it that I'm reallytrying to communicate?
Because I have a tendency to goaround the block, y'all, and go
around the block until Ifinally get to it and Renee will
(49:29):
do some probing questions andshe'll finally say, well, what
about this and what about that?
Yeah, that's it, that's what Iwas getting to.
I just went around the block.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
So, just like Gil is good at listening, he's taught
me how to be a better listener.
I'm good at communicating, soI'm helping him to be a better.
I'm not trying to make him likeme, but when you're with
someone, you're going to learnfrom each other.
Show me your friends and I'llshow you your future.
The people that you spend yourtime with.
They are impacting you.
(49:59):
You say things that they say.
That's why the Bible says evilassociation destroys good
intention.
It's so important that, aswe're going through this thing
called life, that we are mindfulof the people that we're
spending our time with, and thatwe're mindful Because, again,
your time is your most valuableresource.
Invest it wisely, like youinvested your time with us.
(50:25):
We appreciate you guys hangingout with us tonight.
Speaker 1 (50:28):
We thank you for investing your time yes, not
only in us and in this community, but also in yourself, because
the things that we share withyou, we hope that you get
something out of it that you cantake and apply it and apply it
and then graft it into your life, that it can pay huge dividends
and benefits.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
(50:49):
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (50:55):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
(51:15):
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
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