Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome back to another episode
of Rice and the Ashes.
I cannot remember what episodethis is, because we've done so
many.
We're approaching 100, which isamazing, and I thank you for
all your support.
Today I have the privilege andhonor to interview and have a
conversation with MichelleCollins.
Michelle Collins has beenthrough a lot.
(00:24):
Michelle Collins, michelleCollins has been through a lot.
It is an understatement, and Iasked her to come on because her
story is not just one ofperseverance, but one of really
grit and understanding herselfand finding not only herself but
helping thousands of otherpeople.
Michelle, please welcome andhow are you today?
(00:47):
And please tell the audiencewho you are and what you do.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Thank you, baz.
I am great today.
I it's spring right now andit's my favorite season.
Every day there's a newbeautiful blossom to observe and
appreciate.
So I just feel like it's theseason of joy and, of course, my
business is called Inhabit Joy,and there's a reason for that.
What I learned through mydifficult periods in life was
(01:22):
that there is always joy, thereis joy, it, and over the course
of my recovery if you will Idon't know that's the proper
word, but my finding my new lifeafter trauma and grief I
realized that, using mindfulness, meditation, this whole big
toolbox that I have amassed overthe years of study and practice
(01:46):
, that really you can feel joyin almost every moment, and
that's my goal is to spread thatmessage.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
I love the fact that
you say you can feel joy in
every moment.
It wasn't always that easy foryou, though, was it?
Oh no, can you go back, if youwill, to a time where you're
comfortable, where you canremember the constraints and
(02:16):
what your journey was, toactually doing this business,
actually helping other people?
Speaker 2 (02:27):
helping other people.
Yeah, it's interesting that youuse the word comfortable,
because it's never comfortableto talk about this, to talk
about tragedy and pain.
But the reason that I do thisis because I know that there's a
possibility someone listeningto this podcast will suffer less
because of something I share,maybe just isolation, maybe I'll
say something that they willconnect to and that makes it
(02:49):
worth it to me.
Of course, we don't have sixhours, so I'm going to very much
shorten my journey.
I first faced tragedy when mymom was diagnosed with leukemia
and I was in my mid-30s, sothat's pretty good to go that
long before grief and traumahits my life.
(03:12):
I feel very blessed.
But my mom was my person.
In retrospect we probably had acodependent relationship, but
at the time I just was.
I had three little kids and ahusband and the next three and a
half years were spent basicallyin terror of losing my mom.
And the interesting thing is,in my 20s I used to have anxiety
(03:35):
and unsupported anxiety.
I didn't even realize what itwas.
We're talking about the 80s and90s, 1980s, 1990s, giving away
my age, but we didn't reallytalk about things the way we do
now.
Oh, that's anxiety and theseare the things.
There weren't 100 podcasts outthere you could listen to.
You just had to go to atherapist or whatever, and
(03:58):
sometimes that wasn't evensupported.
So I had unsupported anxietyand even in my 20s one of my
irrational thoughts was I'mgoing to lose my mom and I could
not survive the loss of my momand fast forward a few years and
I'm facing it three and a halfyears of leukemia treatment and
(04:19):
then she passed and I wentthrough all the stages of grief,
plus, I think, I made up someof my own during her illness and
then after she died, I just Ididn't know about grief.
I didn't know about trauma.
I didn't.
I wasn't educated and I wasyoung.
So almost all my friends stillhad both their parents.
(04:42):
I had three little kids.
I felt all the things isolatedand unsupported and I had to
start taking care of my dadafter that too.
So I had two households to takecare of, and not that my dad
was perfectly healthy, but hejust lost his wife at 50 years.
He was not very functional.
(05:02):
And then, fast forward a fewyears.
I went through divorce.
I went through yoga teachertraining, yoga therapy training,
personal training, wellnesscoaching, training.
I was just I was reaching outto try to better myself, but
also to try to gain someunderstanding of what makes us
(05:23):
tick and why do we get so?
Why do some people get sodisabled?
I was completely disabled by mymom's death, whereas other
people just go on, and yoga atthat point was my solace.
My two yoga classes a week werethe only time I felt okay.
So that's why I went far inyoga.
(05:46):
Studying yoga therapy is a bigcommitment and I'm still.
I still am a certified yogatherapist and I learn about
something new every day in theyoga therapy field.
It's amazing.
So after my divorce, I met GlennCollins and it was just mad
love.
Like a week after we met, heproposed and I know, and he kept
(06:12):
proposing until I finally saidyes.
He was very tenacious when hegot his teeth into something he
was not going to let go and hewas just everything that I like
dreamy.
The whole thing was completelydreamy, and so we got married.
90 days after we met, we mergedtwo households.
(06:34):
He had three kids.
I had three kids.
Most of them were teenagers atthe time and it was just chaos,
as you can imagine.
So then, a month after we gotmarried, we got a puppy, because
that's what you do when you'rein chaos, and he was working, I
was working.
The thing is as chaotic andpressure-filled as that sounds.
(06:54):
There was so much joy in ourhouse and I know the kids were
really struggling and I see thatnow.
At the time I was so consumedwith him, I made some poor
choices as far as parenting goesand I see that and I regret and
I apologize and I takeresponsibility.
So less than two years after wegot married, glenn ended his
(07:20):
life and there was again a lotof pressure on us and what I
didn't know about him when wegot married was that he did have
some underlying mental illness.
Was it PTSD from his 22 yearsin the service, most of which
was spent in the Navy SEAL teams?
Was it something from childhood?
(07:40):
Was it genetic?
I don't know genetic.
I don't know he was diagnosedwith ptsd, but he was a really
good actor and I did not know hewas suffering until the
suffering got so bad.
Yeah, and that was near the endand there wasn't really anything
I could do about it at the timethank you for sharing that
(08:04):
uncomfortable time.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
It takes courage to
relive it, and I can see within
your face those listeners whichis listening to this that it is
challenging to even speak aboutit now.
So I want to acknowledge yourbravery and your commitment to
not just other people butyourselves for speaking about
something challenging.
(08:30):
And when I say challenging, thatis a very gross understatement.
But when I can't explain whatMichelle has gone through, I can
only feel it.
And it's a different vibration.
When you go through the otherside of that and everything's
(08:57):
taken, you think you know theperfect hill household.
You've got all of this goingfor you, the dog working, etc.
And all of a sudden you've gotall this going for you, the dog
working, etc.
And all of a sudden you've gotdisruption through that.
Where does your head go afterafter the few weeks afterwards?
Did you just plummet or did youcome back and go?
I've got to get this, my shittogether.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
I need to do this oh
no, there was no shit together.
I was decimated.
I was the one who found hisbody after he died and that is
yeah, thank you.
I've worked with a number ofsuicide widows over the in
recent times since I've become agrief educator and grief coach,
(09:41):
which is another training,again, trying to understand.
For me it's study and practicethat can get you through.
But no, immediately after Glenndied I spiraled and I took every
chemical you can think of totry to ease my pain.
I did every risky behavior.
I was really making my life alot worse with my choices, but
(10:07):
the pain was so overwhelmingthat I just would have done
anything to not feel it and Iwas completely non-functional.
I remember that first week Ihad to go to the funeral home.
First his body goes to themedical examiner and then they
call me when it's this and Icouldn't get dressed.
It was a physical impossibilityfor me to figure out how to put
(10:31):
on my socks, my pants.
I remember this so clearly,sitting in my closet trying to
figure out how to get dressed.
And that's what grief andtrauma can do to people.
Yeah, and notice how I said cando, because, like I said
earlier, it's different foreveryone.
(10:52):
It's not the same.
Some people could have gottenup and gone back to work after
that.
I didn't go back to work untiljune and he died in april year
was this?
sorry, michelle 2016, whereactually next week will be the
nine-year anniversary.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Oh, wow.
So this is the point.
Yeah, think about this, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Yeah, so I spiraled
and I developed PTSD myself,
which I didn't know much about.
Ptsd know much about PTSD.
I had a therapist at the timewho was a relationship therapist
, very supportive, through mydivorce and through my marriage
(11:36):
with Glenn, and her brother wasactually Navy SEAL, so she had
some understanding too, somereal insight into their lives,
which helped.
But after I developed PTSD andthe way that I found that out
was I started dissociating andhaving flashbacks.
So at the scene of his death Idissociated and for people who
(11:56):
don't know what that means, ifyou haven't had an extreme
traumatic situation or had yournervous system completely
overwhelmed, this may not havehappened to you.
That's what trauma is, whenyour nervous system is
overwhelmed, and it can besomething small or something
huge, like finding your husbandafter he took his life.
(12:19):
Dissociated in that moment meantI released.
My consciousness, was not in mybody.
It was like I was watching thescene from above, like I was
floating above the scene,watching myself run and get.
The police were already there,but they were looking in a
different place.
Get the police, all of that.
It's like I was in my body onesecond and then I would be back
(12:42):
out of my body and this onlyhappened for a day or so, but
then after a few months, whichis when that's trauma and then
when the post-traumatic stress.
It takes some months beforethat's a diagnosis, because it's
part of the diagnosis is thatit is continuing.
(13:03):
So it might for some peoplethey may have survived the
trauma and never gone into PTSD.
When that happened, my traumatherapist sent me.
My therapist sent me to atrauma therapist who specialized
in trauma and I was able tolearn some really deep.
I had somatic therapy, whichworked great for a yogi, because
(13:27):
none of the tools I had worked,because I couldn't use them.
I was too traumatized, I wasdisconnected from my body and
that's dissociation.
So I spent the next many monthsin intensive trauma therapy
therapy, working with her.
I stopped taking all themedicines prescribed and illegal
(13:49):
.
Not prescribed, I stopped allthe stuff I was still drinking,
but I actually did quit drinkinga year later and have been
sober since 2018.
Sober from alcoholCongratulations, Thank you.
Yeah, it's an excellentdecision for me.
I know it's not for everybody,but when I am teaching health
(14:10):
and wellbeing especially mentalhealth and wellbeing I need I,
in my opinion, I need to alsodemonstrate as much as I can,
and for me and the type of useof abuse of alcohol that I did,
it's something I need to havecompletely out of my life in
order to be fully present, andbeing fully present is the
(14:33):
opposite of what I describedwith PTSD.
So that's how I ended up inmindfulness meditation.
All of that came after Glenn'sdeath.
I did meditation as part ofyoga, of course, but I learned
separate meditation after hedied and then I did a two-year
mindfulness meditation teachertraining, which is based in
(14:58):
modern mindfulness and Buddhism.
So it's really all aboutpresence and it has been an
incredible journey.
And now I'm at the point whereI can tell my story and coach
people to suffer less and feelbetter and recover from grief
(15:19):
and get through grief.
So it's been quite a journey.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Thank you for sharing
.
Well, you've just shared.
I don't know how difficult thatwas For my listeners.
Before we end part one, Ireally want to hone in on
something new, and that'speople's perceptions of grief
and trauma.
Everybody, as Michelle justsaid there, everybody's response
is different, and none is lessconcerning or less than you make
(15:52):
it.
So don't be judging yourself inimposter syndrome well,
somebody else's grief, orsomeone else has done this or
that.
We're all individuals.
We're all on our own journey.
We deal with things indifferent ways because we have
different values and differentupbringings.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
And different nervous
system wiring Correct.
Some people are born with moreresilient nervous systems.
It's just how you're wired,correct.
So some people have to workharder to get to stasis, to get
to balance I love the michelleand I would ask for part one.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Part two is where we
ascend and we come from the the
hardship into the service ofothers, and I find this happens
a lot with people who have hadchallenging times, which is why
the podcast is called Rise fromthe Ashes.
(16:53):
It came to Phoenix and aperfect example of that is this
present guest with Michelle.
Michelle, thank you for yourtime.
I love speaking with you, mylisteners.
Please share the message.
It will change somebody's life,I promise you.
In the next part we're going totalk about her book, what she
actually does, who she becameand, more importantly, what's
(17:14):
next.
Thank you very much, see you onthe next episode.
Download, enjoy and share themessage from michelle.
Thank you very much, see yousoon.