May 3, 2021 • 20 mins
Do you feel like you lost your identity and you are unfulfilled in a certain area of your life?
Early on when my son was born as a single mother was working and taking care of my child I completely lost sense of who I am and what my goals were, my passion, my interests - I basically identified myself as a single mom, someone who worked and took care of my son. To be honest, there wasn’t a lot of time to take care of myself or do anything I was interested in, at least I thought there wasn’t time. I felt like I completely lost myself.
So if you've lost your identity this podcast is for you If you are unsure of who you are anymore or if you have lost your sense of being let's talk about that How can we get that back?
Here are some steps or things you can do to recover your identity, or to even create or shape a new identity,
- Give yourself permission to figure it out - give yourself time. Sometimes we also have to deal with specific emotions in between, could be allowing yourself time to grieve, to feel and handle sadness, anxiety, to push through getting services or schedules set up for your child - there could be some things in the way that you need to move through and navigate before you can really start the work to determine your identity
- Think about things that have shaped your identity in the past. What are things you enjoyed doing - things you loved doing? What are your hobbies?
- For me, I enjoyed exercising, running, playing volleyball, being active in the community by volunteering, hiking, sleeping
- Find your people - there are so many groups out there now on Facebook, meetup - you can really find people in your area who have the same passions as you. Get connected, pick up a class - interact with others who share your passions will bring so much joy to your life and focus your attention on so much positivity.
- This is your chance to take back what you feel like you have lost and to shape it into your life, potentially in a different way
- Embrace change
- Think about what you want to be in the future - what are your goals?
- Trying to resurrect previous passions and hobbies, or to create goals for the future takes work - so get a pen and paper and start writing. Get it all out of your head and see what it looks like on paper.
- Make a plan - How can you achieve these goals or start incorporating your passions and hobbies into your life - into your schedule. A lot of people have thoughts in their head about what they wan tto do, but don’t always put a plan together. Even a bulleted list of things you’re going to do to achieve your goals or to get out there to build back your identity. So, take this step - the more clarity you have, the better you’ll be able to reach your goals and start feeling whole again.
Here’s the thing - Identify doesn’t have to be set in stone.
People can grow, change, and fall in love with new ideas and out of love with old ones. Allowing yourself the opportunity to go through that process isn't a betrayal of your true identity. It may be an opportunity to find a new version of yourself you never knew was out there.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Susan Fink (00:09):
Hey, everyone, and welcome to the rise with the
light podcast. My name is SusanFink and this is my weekly
podcast dedicated to supportingfamilies raising children with
special needs. I'm on a missionto provide hope and positivity
through sharing my personalinsights, stories, mindset
perspectives, and ways tonavigate through this journey.
Let's get started.
(00:48):
Hi, everyone, thank you so muchfor joining me today. And I
wanted to quickly mention,please make sure that you follow
this podcast so that you don'tmiss another episode. And if
these episodes are helping you,please leave a star rating a
comment or share this podcast sothat I can help other people.
I'm going to jump right intothis episode because we have a
lot to cover. And this episodeis all about feeling like you've
lost your identity. Do you feellike you've lost your identity
(01:10):
being a mother or father of achild with special needs, or
just in general, you've justbeen running around, you have so
much you have to get done. Andyou just feel like you don't
even know yourself anymore. Youdon't even know the things that
you really enjoy doing anymore.
This totally happened to mebeing a single parent from the
beginning, when I was pregnant.
If you have been following me,you know that I was eight months
(01:32):
pregnant when I finalize mydivorce. So I have been single
from the way beginning. And Ipretty much lost my identity. At
that point I was pregnant, I wasworking full time. And I had to
wrestle because I had a highrisk pregnancy. So I was just
doing that working, resting andtrying to make sure I was being
(01:52):
healthy and protecting my unbornchild. So I didn't do a lot of
things that I love to do. It wassuch a focus point of my time in
my life. And I also had torecover and grieve from the
divorce that I was going throughat the time and all the emotions
that I was dealing with. Andthen when my son was born, it
was like the same thing, it waseven worse, because I was even
(02:13):
busier than I was when I waspregnant. So obviously, with a
newborn, I'm running aroundtaking him to daycare or going
to work coming home, picking himup from daycare, taking care of
him feeding him nursing him,putting him to sleep and he
wasn't sleeping very well. So Ididn't sleep very well. So I was
completely sleep deprived, I wasworking a full time job, I was
(02:34):
just so overwhelmed. I did nothave time for myself. But the
thing of it is, is I didn'treally make time for myself,
even 15 2030 minutes, I didn'tactually make that time, but I
was completely exhausted. So ifyou feel like you've lost your
identity, this episode is foryou. I also continue to feel
(02:55):
like this when my son wasdiagnosed with autism when he
was three things then completelyspeeded up even more with all of
the appointments, theevaluations, the figuring out
the schedules, all of thedifferent things I needed to
navigate through, you know, mylife surrounded him and the
things that he needed. And I wasalso working full time at an
(03:15):
executive level position. So itwas just so overwhelming, I did
not feel like I could reallyprioritize myself, I didn't feel
like I could prioritize thepassions and the interest that I
had in my life. And it was justall consumed by all of the
things I needed to get done formy son and making sure he had
what he needed. And that is theabsolute best decisions that I
(03:38):
made. But it also led to me notas healthy as I could be. And as
a single parent, you don'treally have someone to fall back
on. You don't have like, Hey,you know, can I go to the gym or
you know, I'm going to go dothis for an hour and I'm going
to go volunteer for an hour, I'mgoing to do whatever I want to
do. If that didn't exist for me,I also don't have family close
(03:59):
by so I didn't have a goodsupport system. So I completely
lost my identity. I identifiedas a single mother, a worker who
worked full time in my careerand a caregiver, making sure
that I was giving my son all ofthe things that he needed and
supporting him in his journeywith autism and making sure that
(04:20):
he was supported. So then, whathappened to me, I felt like, I
just lost myself. I didn'treally know who I was anymore. I
mean, ideally, I knew who I wasright. I knew my
characteristics. I knew myvalues and the core morals that
I have, but I just lost thepassions in my life. I wasn't
(04:40):
doing anything that wasfulfilling for me personally, of
course taking care of my son andbeing with him and all those
things is so fulfilling. There'sso much joy and love that comes
with that. But I had to alsorealize, I'm also a woman, I'm
also a person, a human. I havemy own interest too and that was
a big piece of my life that wascompletely missing. and
(05:02):
rightfully so being a singleparent with a child with autism
and special needs and workingfull time, you're stretched so
thin, and your mind is all overthe place. And that's also one
of the reasons why I talk aboutmindfulness and mindset, because
you do have to shift a lot ofyour mind throughout this
journey. But at the same time, Iwanted to recover who I was, I
(05:26):
wanted to recover my identity.
So is this resonating with you?
Do you feel like this right now?
Do you feel like you've justlost a piece of yourself, maybe
you're not losing your wholeidentity, maybe that's just a
little overboard. But I amidentifying identity as a piece
of yourself that's missing thatneeds to be fulfilled. So if
that's how you're feeling, let'sget into some of the steps that
(05:49):
you can do to recover youridentity, or to even create and
shape a new identity. How do youeven begin this, this can be
really challenging, and I had todo this exact process, I had to
figure out what are the thingsthat are going to bring me joy?
How can I actually fit that intomy schedule? How do I
reprioritize? How do I givemyself permission? How do I let
(06:12):
go, there's so much involved inthis and it sounds like Oh, just
pick up a hobby and go do it.
Or, oh, you used to love doingthis, like go do it. Now, when
you have a complex schedule,when you have a lot of different
balls in the air, and you'retrying to juggle everything and
hold it together. And when youhave so much responsibility of
making sure your child haseverything they need, you're the
only parent in my case, I'm theonly parent, you may have a
(06:35):
spouse, you may have asignificant other, whatever that
looks like for you family closeby that you can lean on. But for
me, I feel like I have a lot ofresponsibility. And I do I'm on
a single income. I'm a singleparent of a child on the
spectrum, I need to make sure Iam being responsible with all of
my decisions and my time. Sothere's a lot to navigate here.
So let's jump into what can youdo to get back your identity or
(06:58):
to recreate it or shape itagain. So the first thing is
give yourself permission tofigure it out. Give yourself
that time, this may not come soquickly, you have to figure out
all these different things, andhow you're going to get back
into kind of your groove rightback into who you are, and to
find those missing pieces. Sogive yourself permission to
(07:22):
figure it out. And sometimesthat also means that you need to
deal with the emotions inbetween, maybe you still need to
grieve, maybe you still need todeal with the sadness, or
anxiety or stress or feelinghelpless, or all of these things
that we go through as parentsand as people, maybe you still
need to push through some ofthese challenges. Maybe you
still need to get services getset up, maybe you still need to
(07:45):
figure out a schedule, there aresome things that could be in the
way. So you need to push throughthose things, figure out tools
in which you can do that. Sothat you can navigate through
determining what are the otherthings that you can build into
your life that are the missingpieces. So give yourself that
permission. Give yourself time.
(08:06):
I know a lot of us want thingsright now that's kind of the on
demand, right? Everything is ondemand. You can purchase
something online, you get it thenext day or within two hours or
whatever delivered straight toyour door. You can stream
anything you want and get it ondemand right then right now you
don't have to wait. But withsomething like this, you may
need to give yourself additionaltime, you may not be able to
(08:27):
have it right away. So don't letthat add stress to your life or
anxiety. Be gentle to yourself,be patient and give yourself
permission to figure it out.
There are steps that need to betaken and you need to give
yourself that permission to dothat. So think about the things
that you really love what hasshaped you in the past. What are
the things that you enjoy? Whatdo you love doing? What are your
(08:47):
hobbies? Do you have hobbies? Doyou have interests? For me, I
enjoy exercising running was abig runner in my 20s and my 30s
I used to run races I just loverunning. I play volleyball. I
played volleyball since I was14. Those are things that are so
exciting for me. I know thatexercise and being active is
very healthy for me too. I alsolove being active in the
(09:09):
community, volunteering my timehelping other people helping the
homeless, helping other womenand women shelters. I used to
paint homes in Compton and Iused to paint buildings in
Compton trying to help thebeautification of Compton
project. I absolutely loveddoing those things. I also love
hiking and I love sleeping. Youknow there's things like the
(09:30):
some of the simplest things Ilove because I don't get them as
much anymore. So what are thosethings that you enjoy doing?
What did you used to do beforethat you just love that you're
passionate about? Write it down,figure out what those things
are? Maybe you've forgotten. Youknow, when I was going through
this process, I totally forgotabout volunteering. I
volunteered for a majority of mylife. My parents really showed
(09:53):
me that when I was younger whenI was a teenager, they
introduced volunteering, givingback to the kids To me at a very
young age, and when I was goingthrough this process of
identifying, oh, what are thethings that I really love to do,
I almost forgot aboutvolunteering, it had been so
long since I was able to dothat, or since I was able to
prioritize that I forgot, andthe joy of being able to give
(10:14):
back to other people and to beout in the community, meeting
other people. And, you know,that was something that brought
me so much joy. And it was sofulfilling, because I was
helping other people, I forgotthat there are volunteering
opportunities. So you may haveto just sit and think about
those things that you used to doand just carve out a little bit
of time to be able to thinkabout it,
(10:34):
and then write it down. So youdon't forget, like I have to do.
Part of this process too, isfinding other people, finding
your people, there are so manygroups out there. Now on
Facebook, on meetup, you canreally find anyone in your area
with the same passions as you.
So once you've identified someof these passions, some of these
interests that you have getconnected, interacting with
others who share your passionswill bring so much joy to your
(10:57):
life and focus your attention onso much more positivity. Now,
this might be difficult for somepeople, because meeting new
people might be justuncomfortable, being vulnerable.
And reaching out and showing upis not always easy. This is the
same for me. I'm an extrovertnormally. But as I've gotten
older, I've become so much moreof an introvert and being single
and alone, I'm just kind of likeused to being on my own and by
(11:18):
myself and not really talking toa lot of people and not really
interacting with a ton ofpeople. So jumping out of my
comfort zone was reallydifficult. So my advice to you
on that is just start takingbaby steps. You don't have to do
everything at one time, take itone thing at a time. So maybe
you just join a group onFacebook, right? join a group,
start interacting online withpeople, then maybe the next step
(11:41):
is, hey, let's set up a time tomeet up to do whatever project
or to do whatever activity andmaybe you go and meet a group of
people. And then the next stepis join more groups, or continue
to meet with those people makeit a thing that you can do
regularly. So take it one thingat a time, something that I've
heard before is that you canhave it all you can have it all,
but maybe not all right now,maybe not all at the same time.
(12:05):
So if you think about that, youcan take things one thing at a
time, you don't have to have itall right now you don't have to
figure it out. All right, now,you don't have to join a group
and go out and hang out and doall these things. You don't have
to do all of that right now, youcan just take it in baby steps.
So this is your chance to takeback what you feel what you've
lost, to shape that into yourlife and potentially in a
(12:27):
different way. And you may haveto embrace change, right? This
is change, change is not easyfor everyone. So while we want
to do things that maybe we havedone in the past, and that are
comfortable and exciting, andgive us passion and joy and a
fulfilling life and filling inthose pieces that may be missing
in our identity right now,change may not be easy. So just
(12:49):
be open, be okay with it. Find agood balance with yourself, do
what is comfortable foryourself. But also
uncomfortable. Push yourself outof your comfort zone a little
bit, just a little bit at atime, if you're not ready to
jump full in trying to resurrectprevious passions and hobbies or
create goals for the futuretakes work. So get a pen and
(13:09):
paper and start writing it down.
Get it all out of your head andsee what it looks like make a
plan? Do you have a plan of howyou're going to incorporate
these projects or passions orhobbies or interests or things
that you enjoy doing? Do youhave a plan on how you can
incorporate that into your life,I needed to have a plan, because
(13:30):
my schedule is very tight. Ionly have certain days of the
week that I have any sort offree time I only have certain
times of the day when I have anyfree time. And I have to figure
out what are the priorities thatI have to do to get done? And
what are the actual times that Ihave to be able to do something
that is fulfilling for me. So alot of people have these
thoughts in their head, right?
They think about it, they'relike, Oh, I would love to do
(13:51):
this. Or I would love to dothat. Or I used to love playing
this sport or used to love goinghiking or used to love doing
meditation or taking yogaclasses or just going and
talking to people in thecommunity. I used to love going
to church, I used to loveattending groups. I used to love
doing all these things, right?
They have all of this in theirhead. That's great. You know,
(14:11):
you identified all these thingsthat you want to do and that you
love that is fulfilling for you.
That's awesome. But a lot ofpeople actually don't
incorporate it all into theirlives. They don't set up a plan.
They don't figure out the howthey know the what they know the
what are the things that youlike to do. They know why they
may love to do those things. Butthey don't know the how, how can
(14:32):
you achieve these things in yourlife? How can you start
incorporating that into yourlife so you can feel like your
identity is whole so that youcould feel like you're living
out some of your passions andthat you're, you're showing that
you are giving yourself priorityas well. So like I said, a lot
of people have these thoughts,but they actually don't put a
plan together. So even if youput a bulleted list together and
(14:53):
how you can incorporate thesethings back into your life, how
can you build back your truefull identity What does that
look like? So take this step,get more clarity, the more
clarity you have, the betteryou'll be able to reach your
goals, the more clarity you willhave, the better you're able to
implement that plan.
prioritization is also a keything here. Now for me, as a
(15:17):
single mom, I do you have somefree time, my son does spend
some time with his dad. So I dohave free time. In the
beginning, what I was doing withmy free time was running my
errands, going to the grocerystore, going to target, you
know, washing the car going, youknow, just running errands,
cleaning the house,I did not prioritize my hobbies,
my passions, my interest, I didnot prioritize those things. So
when it was a weekend, when Ihad a free weekend, I was like,
(15:41):
okay, all the errands I need togo do go do them first. So over
time, I had to make a shift, Ihad to change my priority, I had
to reprioritize my schedule. Soyou may have to do that same
thing, you may have to look atyour schedule. And that's why I
said write it down. What doesyour schedule look like? Where
can you fit in your passions,your hobbies, your interests?
(16:02):
The things that make you whole?
The things that give youfulfilling joy? Where can you
fit it in? Or what can you movearound that you can make room
for these things? So here's thething, identity doesn't have to
be set in stone, okay? peoplegrow people change. People have
new ideas. They have newhobbies, new interests, allow
(16:24):
yourself to go through thatprocess. Allow yourself to
figure out think about what arethe things that you love? What
are the hobbies, interests, thethings that bring you joy? What
are the things that are missingin your life? How do you
identify yourself? Like I said,I identified myself as a single
mom, were an A worker, I workedfull time. That was it. I am so
(16:45):
much more than that. And Iwasn't giving that part of
myself any attention. I did notfeel whole. And sometimes when
you don't feel whole, and you'regiving everything to everyone
else, resentments can kick in,you might start feeling
resentful. That's a whole otherepisode. So we're not gonna get
into resentments right now. Butdo you get what I'm saying?
(17:07):
You're not giving yourselfpriority or focus at all. And
that was me, I'm speaking aboutmy personal experience. And
maybe this resonates with you.
But that was totally me. And Ihad to make changes. So this
could be a new opportunity foryou to find a new version of
yourself, or to bring back aprevious version of yourself,
even if it's just in pieces,incorporate that into your life
(17:30):
feel whole again, feel like youridentity is back. And I'm
telling you, taking these stepsdoing these things, it took time
for me, I couldn't haveeverything at the same time
because I have otherresponsibilities. But I took it
one day at a time, I took it inbaby steps. I knew I couldn't do
it all at once. And that wasfrustrating, but I had to accept
(17:51):
it. And now looking back, I feellike I am so much more whole as
a person. And my soul is so muchmore fulfilled, I still make
sure that my son has everythingthat he needs. He's a huge, huge
priority in my life. I'm stillfiguring out my work and what I
can do there. But I don't giveit everything. I don't give
(18:11):
those two things. Everything ofme, I still have a part of me
that I am fulfilling passions.
I'm fulfilling the joy in mylife, I'm doing some things that
I love that bring me joy andmake me whole again, and my
identity feels more whole. So Ihope this resonates with you. If
you're sitting there listeningto this, and you're like, I need
(18:34):
to do these things, go do them.
Don't wait. Take 1015 minutes,write down some things that you
enjoy doing. This processdoesn't necessarily take hours
and hours and hours and hoursand hours to figure out you can
figure things out little bylittle. So just take a few
minutes today just to sit andwrite down what are some things
that you used to love doing?
What are things that you wouldlike to try and do that could be
(18:55):
really exciting and bringfulfillment into your life and
that's for you and nobody else?
So that's it for this episode. Ireally hope that this has helped
you if you relate to this,please make sure that you follow
this podcast tell other peopleabout it. Share this podcast to
people that you think they needto hear it and if they need
help. If you need help, I'm alsomindset and life coach DM me at
(19:17):
Susan Fink dot rise or you couldalso check out my website rise
mindset.com to connect as amindset and life coach. I help
people navigate through thingslike this. I help them push
through a lot of barriers intheir lives to figure out how
can they recreate goals andachieve goals? How can they work
through the emotions that theyhave? How can they live a more
fulfilling freeing life free ofanxiety, fear limiting beliefs,
(19:39):
self doubt, negative thinkingall of these things. I'm here to
help you. I love working withpeople because when I see
progress in them that brings meso much joys. So I want you to
remember you are not alone inthis journey. Stay connected,
reach out there are solutionsout there to help you So as you
know, my mission is to help asmany people as I can, and I
(20:02):
cannot do that without you. Sothank you. Thank you. Thank you
so much for listening. Thank youfor your support and sharing
this podcast to help others. Anduntil next time, I appreciate I
empathize and I'm here for youand we can do this
Hey, everyone, and welcome to the rise with the
light podcast. My name is SusanFink and this is my weekly
podcast dedicated to supportingfamilies raising children with
special needs. I'm on a missionto provide hope and positivity
through sharing my personalinsights, stories, mindset
perspectives, and ways tonavigate through this journey.
Let's get started.
(00:48):
Hi, everyone, thank you so muchfor joining me today. And I
wanted to quickly mention,please make sure that you follow
this podcast so that you don'tmiss another episode. And if
these episodes are helping you,please leave a star rating a
comment or share this podcast sothat I can help other people.
I'm going to jump right intothis episode because we have a
lot to cover. And this episodeis all about feeling like you've
lost your identity. Do you feellike you've lost your identity
(01:10):
being a mother or father of achild with special needs, or
just in general, you've justbeen running around, you have so
much you have to get done. Andyou just feel like you don't
even know yourself anymore. Youdon't even know the things that
you really enjoy doing anymore.
This totally happened to mebeing a single parent from the
beginning, when I was pregnant.
If you have been following me,you know that I was eight months
(01:32):
pregnant when I finalize mydivorce. So I have been single
from the way beginning. And Ipretty much lost my identity. At
that point I was pregnant, I wasworking full time. And I had to
wrestle because I had a highrisk pregnancy. So I was just
doing that working, resting andtrying to make sure I was being
(01:52):
healthy and protecting my unbornchild. So I didn't do a lot of
things that I love to do. It wassuch a focus point of my time in
my life. And I also had torecover and grieve from the
divorce that I was going throughat the time and all the emotions
that I was dealing with. Andthen when my son was born, it
was like the same thing, it waseven worse, because I was even
(02:13):
busier than I was when I waspregnant. So obviously, with a
newborn, I'm running aroundtaking him to daycare or going
to work coming home, picking himup from daycare, taking care of
him feeding him nursing him,putting him to sleep and he
wasn't sleeping very well. So Ididn't sleep very well. So I was
completely sleep deprived, I wasworking a full time job, I was
(02:34):
just so overwhelmed. I did nothave time for myself. But the
thing of it is, is I didn'treally make time for myself,
even 15 2030 minutes, I didn'tactually make that time, but I
was completely exhausted. So ifyou feel like you've lost your
identity, this episode is foryou. I also continue to feel
(02:55):
like this when my son wasdiagnosed with autism when he
was three things then completelyspeeded up even more with all of
the appointments, theevaluations, the figuring out
the schedules, all of thedifferent things I needed to
navigate through, you know, mylife surrounded him and the
things that he needed. And I wasalso working full time at an
(03:15):
executive level position. So itwas just so overwhelming, I did
not feel like I could reallyprioritize myself, I didn't feel
like I could prioritize thepassions and the interest that I
had in my life. And it was justall consumed by all of the
things I needed to get done formy son and making sure he had
what he needed. And that is theabsolute best decisions that I
(03:38):
made. But it also led to me notas healthy as I could be. And as
a single parent, you don'treally have someone to fall back
on. You don't have like, Hey,you know, can I go to the gym or
you know, I'm going to go dothis for an hour and I'm going
to go volunteer for an hour, I'mgoing to do whatever I want to
do. If that didn't exist for me,I also don't have family close
(03:59):
by so I didn't have a goodsupport system. So I completely
lost my identity. I identifiedas a single mother, a worker who
worked full time in my careerand a caregiver, making sure
that I was giving my son all ofthe things that he needed and
supporting him in his journeywith autism and making sure that
(04:20):
he was supported. So then, whathappened to me, I felt like, I
just lost myself. I didn'treally know who I was anymore. I
mean, ideally, I knew who I wasright. I knew my
characteristics. I knew myvalues and the core morals that
I have, but I just lost thepassions in my life. I wasn't
(04:40):
doing anything that wasfulfilling for me personally, of
course taking care of my son andbeing with him and all those
things is so fulfilling. There'sso much joy and love that comes
with that. But I had to alsorealize, I'm also a woman, I'm
also a person, a human. I havemy own interest too and that was
a big piece of my life that wascompletely missing. and
(05:02):
rightfully so being a singleparent with a child with autism
and special needs and workingfull time, you're stretched so
thin, and your mind is all overthe place. And that's also one
of the reasons why I talk aboutmindfulness and mindset, because
you do have to shift a lot ofyour mind throughout this
journey. But at the same time, Iwanted to recover who I was, I
(05:26):
wanted to recover my identity.
So is this resonating with you?
Do you feel like this right now?
Do you feel like you've justlost a piece of yourself, maybe
you're not losing your wholeidentity, maybe that's just a
little overboard. But I amidentifying identity as a piece
of yourself that's missing thatneeds to be fulfilled. So if
that's how you're feeling, let'sget into some of the steps that
(05:49):
you can do to recover youridentity, or to even create and
shape a new identity. How do youeven begin this, this can be
really challenging, and I had todo this exact process, I had to
figure out what are the thingsthat are going to bring me joy?
How can I actually fit that intomy schedule? How do I
reprioritize? How do I givemyself permission? How do I let
(06:12):
go, there's so much involved inthis and it sounds like Oh, just
pick up a hobby and go do it.
Or, oh, you used to love doingthis, like go do it. Now, when
you have a complex schedule,when you have a lot of different
balls in the air, and you'retrying to juggle everything and
hold it together. And when youhave so much responsibility of
making sure your child haseverything they need, you're the
only parent in my case, I'm theonly parent, you may have a
(06:35):
spouse, you may have asignificant other, whatever that
looks like for you family closeby that you can lean on. But for
me, I feel like I have a lot ofresponsibility. And I do I'm on
a single income. I'm a singleparent of a child on the
spectrum, I need to make sure Iam being responsible with all of
my decisions and my time. Sothere's a lot to navigate here.
So let's jump into what can youdo to get back your identity or
(06:58):
to recreate it or shape itagain. So the first thing is
give yourself permission tofigure it out. Give yourself
that time, this may not come soquickly, you have to figure out
all these different things, andhow you're going to get back
into kind of your groove rightback into who you are, and to
find those missing pieces. Sogive yourself permission to
(07:22):
figure it out. And sometimesthat also means that you need to
deal with the emotions inbetween, maybe you still need to
grieve, maybe you still need todeal with the sadness, or
anxiety or stress or feelinghelpless, or all of these things
that we go through as parentsand as people, maybe you still
need to push through some ofthese challenges. Maybe you
still need to get services getset up, maybe you still need to
(07:45):
figure out a schedule, there aresome things that could be in the
way. So you need to push throughthose things, figure out tools
in which you can do that. Sothat you can navigate through
determining what are the otherthings that you can build into
your life that are the missingpieces. So give yourself that
permission. Give yourself time.
(08:06):
I know a lot of us want thingsright now that's kind of the on
demand, right? Everything is ondemand. You can purchase
something online, you get it thenext day or within two hours or
whatever delivered straight toyour door. You can stream
anything you want and get it ondemand right then right now you
don't have to wait. But withsomething like this, you may
need to give yourself additionaltime, you may not be able to
(08:27):
have it right away. So don't letthat add stress to your life or
anxiety. Be gentle to yourself,be patient and give yourself
permission to figure it out.
There are steps that need to betaken and you need to give
yourself that permission to dothat. So think about the things
that you really love what hasshaped you in the past. What are
the things that you enjoy? Whatdo you love doing? What are your
(08:47):
hobbies? Do you have hobbies? Doyou have interests? For me, I
enjoy exercising running was abig runner in my 20s and my 30s
I used to run races I just loverunning. I play volleyball. I
played volleyball since I was14. Those are things that are so
exciting for me. I know thatexercise and being active is
very healthy for me too. I alsolove being active in the
(09:09):
community, volunteering my timehelping other people helping the
homeless, helping other womenand women shelters. I used to
paint homes in Compton and Iused to paint buildings in
Compton trying to help thebeautification of Compton
project. I absolutely loveddoing those things. I also love
hiking and I love sleeping. Youknow there's things like the
(09:30):
some of the simplest things Ilove because I don't get them as
much anymore. So what are thosethings that you enjoy doing?
What did you used to do beforethat you just love that you're
passionate about? Write it down,figure out what those things
are? Maybe you've forgotten. Youknow, when I was going through
this process, I totally forgotabout volunteering. I
volunteered for a majority of mylife. My parents really showed
(09:53):
me that when I was younger whenI was a teenager, they
introduced volunteering, givingback to the kids To me at a very
young age, and when I was goingthrough this process of
identifying, oh, what are thethings that I really love to do,
I almost forgot aboutvolunteering, it had been so
long since I was able to dothat, or since I was able to
prioritize that I forgot, andthe joy of being able to give
(10:14):
back to other people and to beout in the community, meeting
other people. And, you know,that was something that brought
me so much joy. And it was sofulfilling, because I was
helping other people, I forgotthat there are volunteering
opportunities. So you may haveto just sit and think about
those things that you used to doand just carve out a little bit
of time to be able to thinkabout it,
(10:34):
and then write it down. So youdon't forget, like I have to do.
Part of this process too, isfinding other people, finding
your people, there are so manygroups out there. Now on
Facebook, on meetup, you canreally find anyone in your area
with the same passions as you.
So once you've identified someof these passions, some of these
interests that you have getconnected, interacting with
others who share your passionswill bring so much joy to your
(10:57):
life and focus your attention onso much more positivity. Now,
this might be difficult for somepeople, because meeting new
people might be justuncomfortable, being vulnerable.
And reaching out and showing upis not always easy. This is the
same for me. I'm an extrovertnormally. But as I've gotten
older, I've become so much moreof an introvert and being single
and alone, I'm just kind of likeused to being on my own and by
(11:18):
myself and not really talking toa lot of people and not really
interacting with a ton ofpeople. So jumping out of my
comfort zone was reallydifficult. So my advice to you
on that is just start takingbaby steps. You don't have to do
everything at one time, take itone thing at a time. So maybe
you just join a group onFacebook, right? join a group,
start interacting online withpeople, then maybe the next step
(11:41):
is, hey, let's set up a time tomeet up to do whatever project
or to do whatever activity andmaybe you go and meet a group of
people. And then the next stepis join more groups, or continue
to meet with those people makeit a thing that you can do
regularly. So take it one thingat a time, something that I've
heard before is that you canhave it all you can have it all,
but maybe not all right now,maybe not all at the same time.
(12:05):
So if you think about that, youcan take things one thing at a
time, you don't have to have itall right now you don't have to
figure it out. All right, now,you don't have to join a group
and go out and hang out and doall these things. You don't have
to do all of that right now, youcan just take it in baby steps.
So this is your chance to takeback what you feel what you've
lost, to shape that into yourlife and potentially in a
(12:27):
different way. And you may haveto embrace change, right? This
is change, change is not easyfor everyone. So while we want
to do things that maybe we havedone in the past, and that are
comfortable and exciting, andgive us passion and joy and a
fulfilling life and filling inthose pieces that may be missing
in our identity right now,change may not be easy. So just
(12:49):
be open, be okay with it. Find agood balance with yourself, do
what is comfortable foryourself. But also
uncomfortable. Push yourself outof your comfort zone a little
bit, just a little bit at atime, if you're not ready to
jump full in trying to resurrectprevious passions and hobbies or
create goals for the futuretakes work. So get a pen and
(13:09):
paper and start writing it down.
Get it all out of your head andsee what it looks like make a
plan? Do you have a plan of howyou're going to incorporate
these projects or passions orhobbies or interests or things
that you enjoy doing? Do youhave a plan on how you can
incorporate that into your life,I needed to have a plan, because
(13:30):
my schedule is very tight. Ionly have certain days of the
week that I have any sort offree time I only have certain
times of the day when I have anyfree time. And I have to figure
out what are the priorities thatI have to do to get done? And
what are the actual times that Ihave to be able to do something
that is fulfilling for me. So alot of people have these
thoughts in their head, right?
They think about it, they'relike, Oh, I would love to do
(13:51):
this. Or I would love to dothat. Or I used to love playing
this sport or used to love goinghiking or used to love doing
meditation or taking yogaclasses or just going and
talking to people in thecommunity. I used to love going
to church, I used to loveattending groups. I used to love
doing all these things, right?
They have all of this in theirhead. That's great. You know,
(14:11):
you identified all these thingsthat you want to do and that you
love that is fulfilling for you.
That's awesome. But a lot ofpeople actually don't
incorporate it all into theirlives. They don't set up a plan.
They don't figure out the howthey know the what they know the
what are the things that youlike to do. They know why they
may love to do those things. Butthey don't know the how, how can
(14:32):
you achieve these things in yourlife? How can you start
incorporating that into yourlife so you can feel like your
identity is whole so that youcould feel like you're living
out some of your passions andthat you're, you're showing that
you are giving yourself priorityas well. So like I said, a lot
of people have these thoughts,but they actually don't put a
plan together. So even if youput a bulleted list together and
(14:53):
how you can incorporate thesethings back into your life, how
can you build back your truefull identity What does that
look like? So take this step,get more clarity, the more
clarity you have, the betteryou'll be able to reach your
goals, the more clarity you willhave, the better you're able to
implement that plan.
prioritization is also a keything here. Now for me, as a
(15:17):
single mom, I do you have somefree time, my son does spend
some time with his dad. So I dohave free time. In the
beginning, what I was doing withmy free time was running my
errands, going to the grocerystore, going to target, you
know, washing the car going, youknow, just running errands,
cleaning the house,I did not prioritize my hobbies,
my passions, my interest, I didnot prioritize those things. So
when it was a weekend, when Ihad a free weekend, I was like,
(15:41):
okay, all the errands I need togo do go do them first. So over
time, I had to make a shift, Ihad to change my priority, I had
to reprioritize my schedule. Soyou may have to do that same
thing, you may have to look atyour schedule. And that's why I
said write it down. What doesyour schedule look like? Where
can you fit in your passions,your hobbies, your interests?
(16:02):
The things that make you whole?
The things that give youfulfilling joy? Where can you
fit it in? Or what can you movearound that you can make room
for these things? So here's thething, identity doesn't have to
be set in stone, okay? peoplegrow people change. People have
new ideas. They have newhobbies, new interests, allow
(16:24):
yourself to go through thatprocess. Allow yourself to
figure out think about what arethe things that you love? What
are the hobbies, interests, thethings that bring you joy? What
are the things that are missingin your life? How do you
identify yourself? Like I said,I identified myself as a single
mom, were an A worker, I workedfull time. That was it. I am so
(16:45):
much more than that. And Iwasn't giving that part of
myself any attention. I did notfeel whole. And sometimes when
you don't feel whole, and you'regiving everything to everyone
else, resentments can kick in,you might start feeling
resentful. That's a whole otherepisode. So we're not gonna get
into resentments right now. Butdo you get what I'm saying?
(17:07):
You're not giving yourselfpriority or focus at all. And
that was me, I'm speaking aboutmy personal experience. And
maybe this resonates with you.
But that was totally me. And Ihad to make changes. So this
could be a new opportunity foryou to find a new version of
yourself, or to bring back aprevious version of yourself,
even if it's just in pieces,incorporate that into your life
(17:30):
feel whole again, feel like youridentity is back. And I'm
telling you, taking these stepsdoing these things, it took time
for me, I couldn't haveeverything at the same time
because I have otherresponsibilities. But I took it
one day at a time, I took it inbaby steps. I knew I couldn't do
it all at once. And that wasfrustrating, but I had to accept
(17:51):
it. And now looking back, I feellike I am so much more whole as
a person. And my soul is so muchmore fulfilled, I still make
sure that my son has everythingthat he needs. He's a huge, huge
priority in my life. I'm stillfiguring out my work and what I
can do there. But I don't giveit everything. I don't give
(18:11):
those two things. Everything ofme, I still have a part of me
that I am fulfilling passions.
I'm fulfilling the joy in mylife, I'm doing some things that
I love that bring me joy andmake me whole again, and my
identity feels more whole. So Ihope this resonates with you. If
you're sitting there listeningto this, and you're like, I need
(18:34):
to do these things, go do them.
Don't wait. Take 1015 minutes,write down some things that you
enjoy doing. This processdoesn't necessarily take hours
and hours and hours and hoursand hours to figure out you can
figure things out little bylittle. So just take a few
minutes today just to sit andwrite down what are some things
that you used to love doing?
What are things that you wouldlike to try and do that could be
(18:55):
really exciting and bringfulfillment into your life and
that's for you and nobody else?
So that's it for this episode. Ireally hope that this has helped
you if you relate to this,please make sure that you follow
this podcast tell other peopleabout it. Share this podcast to
people that you think they needto hear it and if they need
help. If you need help, I'm alsomindset and life coach DM me at
(19:17):
Susan Fink dot rise or you couldalso check out my website rise
mindset.com to connect as amindset and life coach. I help
people navigate through thingslike this. I help them push
through a lot of barriers intheir lives to figure out how
can they recreate goals andachieve goals? How can they work
through the emotions that theyhave? How can they live a more
fulfilling freeing life free ofanxiety, fear limiting beliefs,
(19:39):
self doubt, negative thinkingall of these things. I'm here to
help you. I love working withpeople because when I see
progress in them that brings meso much joys. So I want you to
remember you are not alone inthis journey. Stay connected,
reach out there are solutionsout there to help you So as you
know, my mission is to help asmany people as I can, and I
(20:02):
cannot do that without you. Sothank you. Thank you. Thank you
so much for listening. Thank youfor your support and sharing
this podcast to help others. Anduntil next time, I appreciate I
empathize and I'm here for youand we can do this
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