January 24, 2021 • 25 mins
Grieving isn't just for things that you had and have lost, it's also for things that you may have never had. Basically, grieving the fantasy of what you never had, what you wished for or envisioned, which didn't come true. All of the feelings that come with grieving, including sadness, pain, loss, it’s the same as if you did lose something you had, so there isn’t a difference.
I’ll be honest. When I found out I was pregnant and was going to be a mom, and when I learned he was going to be a boy, I had all of the fantasies, wishes and hopes for what he would be like. I envisioned everything would be okay, He would play sports like I did, he would call me mommy, he would mimic me, try to eat off my plate, say things I say, talk to me, some things I thought were pretty basic. I thought he would be a social butterfly like me, make friends, want to play with other kids, so many things I was fantasizing about, things I wished for my son and envisioned he would be like.
But, none of this happened. He didn’t do any of these things. He didn’t call me mommy for his first few years, he wasn’t able to put sentences together, say many words, he didn’t want to play with other kids, he has a hard time socially. He would have incredibly difficult and physical meltdowns, sometimes hitting me and trying to pull my hair or my eyes because he couldn’t communicate. I can understand that - if you weren’t able to communicate, I’m sure you would have a meltdown too. This was his way of communicating, and I was learning more and more about him. He also had a lot of language delays, so he didn’t always understand what I was saying. He doesn’t really care much to play with other kids. He didn’t do any pretend play until more recently and he doesn’t understand social cues. Because of his speech delays, other kids are not patient with him, so he is usually left behind and other kids don’t include him in playtime.
When we hold onto the fantasy, it can cause frustration, anger, anxiety and disappointment when we can’t get the fantasy, what we wish for.
I had often found myself frustrated, stressed, angry, disappointed, I had to realize I was holding onto my fantasy about my son. I was comparing him to my fantasy and that fantasy was setting the expectation. I had to figure out how to let it go.
When I am fantasizing, I come out in pain. Fantasizing creates pain for me. It creates pain because what I was thinking about, what I wished for is not happening, it’s not real in the moment, it’s not actually happening. It’s like I’m torturing myself about something that just isn’t true.
That fantasy creates pain because it creates a difference, it creates a separation between what is real and something else in the future that's ideal or imaginary.
So what do we do with the fantasy? We have to learn to let it go and grieve it.
Check out this episode to learn more about how to let it go, how to grieve it and let go so it doesn't continue to hurt you and make things worse.
If you can relate to this, please subscribe or follow this podcast so you never miss an episode. Share this podcast with other parents who are raising children with autism and special needs.
DM me @susanfink.rise on instagram. I would love to hear from you and if this has helped you in any way.
My mission is to help as many people as I can and I cannot do that without you. Thank you, thank you thank you for listening, thank you for your support in sharing this podcast to help others. And until next time, I appreciate, I empathize, and I am here for you. and...We...can do this!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Susan Fink (00:09):
Hey, everyone, and welcome to the rise with the
light podcast. My name is SusanFink and this is my weekly
podcast dedicated to supportingfamilies raising children with
special needs. I'm on a missionto provide hope and positivity
through sharing my personalinsights, stories, mindset
perspectives, and ways tonavigate through this journey.
Let's get started. Hi there. Andthank you so much for joining
(00:48):
me. And I want to first mentionif any of this is resonating
with you, if any of theseepisodes so far resonating with
you make sure that you subscribeso that you don't miss another
episode. And if you know anotherparent who has a child with
autism or special needs, pleaseshare this podcast with them. I
really appreciate that you'relistening, and I appreciate all
of your shares, I have receivedso many kind messages about how
(01:11):
this podcast is helpful. Andthat really is my mission to
help other people with whatthey're going through, basically
sharing my personal stories andmy personal perspectives. And if
I can just touch one life, thatis really what matters to me.
And it seems like I'm touchingmore than one life, which is
just absolutely amazing. And Ijust really appreciate that
you're listening today, I wantto jump right into this topic,
(01:33):
because this is very close to myheart and something that I had
to go through and work through.
And we're going to get a bitdeep here. So bear with me here,
this is going to be a prettyheavy episode about grief. And
it's not about grievingsomething that you had, but it's
actually grieving something thatyou never had. So it's basically
(01:55):
grieving the fantasy. grievingisn't just about losing
something that you had, butsomething that maybe you wish
you had, or that you never had.
And all of these feelings thatcome with grief, sadness, pain,
loss, anger, depression,loneliness, all of these
feelings that come with griefare the same whether you had
something or you didn't havesomething, there really isn't a
(02:18):
difference between the feelings,right? So we have to still
grieve maybe something that wenever had, or something that
we're never going to have. Tome, this is called a fantasy.
And I actually had to workthrough this with my therapist,
we talked through a lot aboutthe fantasies that I had about
my son. And I had to let go ofthose fantasies. And now this is
(02:39):
a process. This is not somethingthat easily happens, at least
for me, it wasn't easy for me tolet go or to change the way that
I was thinking. But I had torecognize that what I was
wishing for what I had hoped forto be was actually a fantasy, it
wasn't going to happen. And Ihad to grieve it, I had to
grieve that loss. And at the endof the day, it is a loss. It was
(03:02):
a loss for me. And I'm notsaying that in a negative way,
like I lost something that I'vealways wanted. It's not
necessarily that it's just thatI was thinking about this
vision, I had this vision ofwhat my family was going to look
like I had this vision of whatmy son was going to be like, and
that vision those hopes thosedreams, those wishes,
(03:22):
ultimately, are my fantasy, theyare not reality. So I had to
distinguish between the two andreally become very aware of what
my thoughts were and what thosefantasies were. So I'll stop
right there. Do you relate tothis? Do you feel like you need
to let go of what you never had?
(03:44):
Do you need to let go of thisfantasy, and letting go of what
we thought it was going to be orwhat we wished it would be. And
when we think about the way thatour lives would be like, we
don't always recognize that theyare fantasies. So we almost have
to be acutely aware, very, very,very aware of our thoughts, and
very aware of how we're thinkingand distinguishing between the
(04:08):
two. Is this what I wish for, isthis my fantasy or is this
actually what is true. And whenwe get stuck in these fantasies,
it can cause frustration, anger,anxiety, just disappointment.
It's not healthy. And I know forme, I was comparing my reality
with my fantasy and that is justnot healthy at all. It leads to
(04:29):
so many negative emotions and weare not in the present. We are
not there in the moment. So areyou dealing with this? Do you
find that you're stuck in afantasy in your mind? Do you
find that you wished for thingsto be different when you know
that they won't be different? Doyou need to let that go. So when
I was working with my therapistabout this, my mind was just
(04:52):
blown. I never really heard thisconcept of grieving something
that I never had grievingsomething that I wished things
would be Like in grieving thatloss, the loss of my fantasy. So
I'll be honest here, this is mystory. These are things that I
was thinking. So when I foundout that I was pregnant, and I
was going to be a mom, and Ilearned that he was a boy, I was
(05:12):
just so excited. I had all thesefantasies and wishes and hopes
for what he would be like Ienvisioned everything would be
okay. I thought he would playsports like I did, I thought he
would be able to call me Mommy,I thought he would mimic me and
say the things that I wassaying, I thought he would try
to eat off my plate that hewould say things to me, I
thought he would talk. Some ofthese things are just pretty
(05:33):
basic. But when you have a childwith autism, you realize that
these things are not alwayspossible. You know, I thought he
was going to be social like me,I'm a social butterfly, I
thought he'd be able to makefriends. I thought he would want
to play with other kids. Ithought he would just naturally
gravitate to understandingsocial cues. So many things I
fantasized about so many thingsI wished for my son and
(05:57):
envisioned for him. See, eventhough I've let go of these
fantasies, it still brings tearsto my eyes thinking about those
moments that I was in thosewishes, those fantasies, the
things I hoped for, for my son.
But then let's switch to thereality. The reality is, none of
this happened. He didn't do thethings that I thought he would
(06:17):
do. He couldn't do the thingsthat I wished for the things
that I envisioned, he didn'tcall me Mommy, for many years,
he wasn't able to put sentencestogether, he wasn't able to even
see many words, he didn't playwith other kids, he has a hard
time socially, he would havethese incredibly difficult and
physical meltdowns because hewasn't able to communicate
(06:38):
sometimes hitting me and pullingmy hair and trying to rip my
eyes out. And he was just sofrustrated, because he couldn't
communicate. He's had a lot oflanguage delays. And so he
doesn't always understand whatI'm saying. He doesn't really
care much to play with otherkids. He didn't do any pretend
play until really recently. Andhe doesn't understand social
cues. And because of his speechdelays, other kids are not
(07:01):
patient with him. So he'susually left behind, and other
kids don't include him inplaytime. And my heart breaks
about those things. So thedifference between my fantasy
and what I had wished for andwhat I had envisioned for my son
is very different than thereality. Do you resonate with
this? do you relate to this? Didyou have thoughts about what
(07:22):
your child was going to be like?
And now are faced with a verycompletely different reality?
Have you let go? Have you let goof that fantasy? Have you
grieved the loss? Have yougrieved the loss of what you
haven't had? Have you grieve theloss of what won't be taking the
(07:43):
time to do that is so importantfor your own health and mental
well being and the way that youlive your life and the way that
you face the world that you areliving and the reality that
you're living in. And like Imentioned, when we hold on to
the fantasy when we haven't letit go, it can cause frustration,
anger, anxiety, disappointment,so many emotions that we don't
need to go through so manyemotions that we don't have to
(08:06):
respond to if we have dealt withthe fantasy, if we have grieved
it. And I've fallen into thistrap. I've been frustrated,
stressed, angry, disappointed.
I've been all of those things.
And I was doing that to myself.
I was doing that to myself,because I kept holding on to
what I wished for and what myfantasy was, and I was comparing
my reality with my son to thatfantasy. And my expectations
(08:29):
were completely all over theplace. How can I set
expectations on something Iwished for and my fantasy, when
that is not the reality, I hadto figure out how to deal with
these feelings and how to grievethis loss of something I never
had, and how to let it go. Letit go. So it doesn't affect you
anymore. Let it go. So itdoesn't hurt you anymore. Let it
(08:50):
go so that your expectations arelevel set, and that you're
living in the reality. And whenI'm thinking about things I
wished I had that I know willnot necessarily happen. It's
painful. fantasizing createspain. For me. It creates pain,
because what I was thinking andwhat I wish for is not
happening. It's not real in themoment, it's not actually
(09:10):
happening. It's not reality.
It's like I'm torturing myselfabout something that just isn't
true. Do you get that? Are youdoing that to yourself? are you
torturing yourself? Are you inpain? Because of your own
thoughts? Are you in painbecause of things that you're
not able to let go of? Thisfantasy creates pain because it
creates a difference. It createsa separation. It creates a
(09:33):
separation between what is realand something else in the future
or something else that is yourimagination. Something else that
is something that you wish forthat just won't happen. And
maybe it will happen. I'mtalking in generalities, right,
maybe some things that you arewishing for will happen. But
that separation between fantasyand reality creates that pain.
(09:53):
So how do we bridge that gap?
What do you do with the fantasy?
It's not like we can turn thisfantasy office on like a light
switch, right? You just turn itoff and it's done. That really
isn't realistic. The first stepis really knowing the
difference. recognizing yourfantasies, recognizing what you
need to letgo of being aware of your
thoughts helps you move forwardwith letting go. awareness of
(10:15):
what you're seeing in your mindis so important to be able to
move forward and manage youremotions to be able to be
present. To understand thedifference between the two, that
is the first step. And thistakes intention. You have to
really be aware and intentionalabout what you're thinking
about, and not let yourself godown this rabbit hole and go
(10:38):
down these emotions. And justfrivolously lose control, you
have to get control over yourmind, be aware of what you're
thinking about. That is thefirst step, understanding the
difference between the two,pause, think about what you're
thinking about, is it reality orfantasy, when I'm having these
fantasies when I'm wishing thatthings were different, or when
(10:58):
I'm wishing that my son couldput sentences together. And when
I'm wishing my son could talk tome and you know, just have an
easier time when I'm wishing myson had aspirations to make
friends and to be with otherpeople, when I'm wishing my son
could understand these socialcues. And I didn't have to help
them or train them on thesethings. That's when I have to
pause, I have to realize thatI'm wishing for these things.
(11:18):
These are fantasies, I have tolet this go. Because this is not
the reality that I'm living in.
Are you with me, the first stepis understanding the difference.
When you identify what thefantasy is, and your thought
process, switch it around, turnyour thoughts into saying a
positive affirmation toyourself. So you can do this out
(11:41):
loud, you can write it down, youcan just think it taking that
moment to pause identifying thatthis is a fantasy and then say
something positive, a positiveaffirmation. Thank you for what
I have today. What I have isbeautiful. Thank you for the
progress that he's made. Thankyou for the gift that you've
given me this beautiful, healthyboy, this beautiful, healthy
(12:03):
girl. Thank you for all thegifts that autism brings. Thank
you for giving me strength. I amstrong. There are so many
positive affirmations that youcan say to yourself in this
moment that will help you getthrough this fantasy that will
help you let go of the fantasythat you have. And think through
that fantasy. Think throughthose wishes. What are you
(12:25):
thinking about? Is it servingyou? Well, right now? is it
helping you in this moment, playthat fantasy forward, play that
tape forward. If this fantasy inthe way that you're thinking is
not serving you well is nothelping you, then you've got to
let it go. And if you're thepraying type, I'm a Christian.
So I do pray. You can also prayin this moment, identify the
(12:46):
fantasy and then pray about it.
You can say something like,please let me pay attention to
right now. Let me stopfantasizing, I'm thankful for my
son, my daughter, I'm thankfulfor my family, I'm thankful for
whatever it is that you'rethankful for turning it into
positive gratitude, positiveaffirmations and praying and
letting it go. And this kind ofhelps pop that bubble of fantasy
and holds that thought. So youdon't go down this negative
(13:09):
rabbit hole in the way thatyou're thinking, focusing on
what is right in front of you isso important in this moment. If
you are in a very challengingsituation, and you're having
these thoughts, I mean, Ipersonally have gone through a
lot of very challenging momentswith my son, especially when he
would have physical meltdowns,and he would be physically
(13:30):
violent toward me because hejust couldn't communicate. I
understand why he does thesethings and learning so much
about him. But in those moments,I would have these thoughts. I
would have these fantasythoughts I would have these
wishes of Oh, I wish things weredifferent. I wish you know, he
wouldn't do this. I wish hecould talk I wish he would
communicate. I wish he couldunderstand me all these wishes,
(13:50):
right? Was that helping me inthe moment? Were those thoughts
serving me and serving him?
Well? No, it was only making itworse. It was making it more
painful. So how do we reframeourselves in that moment, in
those moments, stop, stop thethinking, understand that this
is wishful thinking that theseare things that you have to let
(14:13):
go of. And even in the toughestmoments, pause, take a breath,
identify what you can begrateful for in this moment. In
my situation, I would have tosay, Okay, this meltdown only
took 30 minutes versus an hour,that is a win. That's a win for
us. That's a great thing. Andthat's something that instead of
saying, Oh, this took 30minutes, it's like no, I'm
(14:34):
grateful. I'm grateful. Thisonly took 30 minutes. I'm
grateful he was able to workthrough these things in 30
minutes versus an hour. I'mgrateful that I could be there
for him. I'm grateful I am hereand present, that I could help
him that we could push pastthis. So focus on the influence
that you're making on your childfocus on the help and the
advocacy and the love and carethat you're giving your child.
(14:56):
Focus on that. Be in the momentbe present. Stop wishful
thinking, there's no sense inthinking about those things. You
have to let them go. So in thosedifficult moments, reframe
yourself, be thankful, do somepositive affirmations focus on
the influence you're makingfocus on the things that you're
able to do in that moment. Whatdo you have control over right
(15:19):
now, in that moment, what canyou do to be helpful to be
loving to be supportive, even ifit's just sitting there waiting,
I've had to do that. While myson was having his different
meltdowns and differentchallenges, I basically had to
sit and wait. And we'd be out inpublic. And he'd have a really
difficult time. And I would justsit there and wait with him. I
(15:40):
didn't care. Everybody waslooking at me, I didn't care
that people were questioningwhat was going on. And I'm sure
people had thoughts in their ownand I don't care, I am sitting
there waiting patiently for myson helping him if I can,
sometimes I couldn't. SometimesI just had to wait. And of
course, make sure that he's safeand make sure that you know,
nothing is going to happen tohim and protect him. But wait.
(16:03):
And while you're waiting, bevery aware of what you're
thinking. And if you start goingdown this fantasy, and these
thoughts of your fantasies andwhat you wish would be different
or what you wish would happen.
Let it go. Be in the moment,focus on what you can do in the
moment, focus on your influence.
Now, I'm not saying to just notacknowledge your feelings at
(16:24):
all. That is absolutely not whatI'm saying. When you are in
those moments, train yourself todeal with it right then and
there. But you may not be ableto deal with your actual
emotions right then and there.
So have you ever set time asideto think this is something my
therapist actually helped me do?
And it was very cathartic forme. She basically was like,
(16:46):
Okay, if you're having athought, write it down and put
it away, like, take a post itnote, write it down and set it
aside, literally put it on ashelf somewhere, set that
thought aside, put it away, andcome back to it when you
schedule time to think throughit. When I'm having a thought
when I'm having a fantasy, whenI'm thinking wishful thoughts
(17:06):
are what if thoughts, orwhatever those thoughts would
be, set it aside, put it on ashelf. And you can do this in
your mind if you're not aphysical person, but it really
helped me to be physical andwrite things down, put it aside
set time in your day to actuallydeal with those thoughts. So
once you've set that time aside,and it's like five or 10
minutes, don't set an hour, wewant to be able to
(17:30):
compartmentalize these thoughts,put them aside and set time to
actually deal with them. And tothink through them. After you've
written it down. And you've comeback to it think about what you
wrote, ask yourself is this afantasy is this reality, if it's
a fantasy, do something with it,to get rid of it to let it go.
And for me physically writing itdown, like I said, and then
(17:52):
either ripping it up or burningit or shredding it, or whatever
you need to do to that piece ofpaper. And that thought,
whatever that is, give it away,get rid of it. The physical
action of doing that, to thatthought really helped me let
things go. And I had to do thisa lot, especially in the
beginning, when I was retrainingmy brain was retraining my brain
(18:14):
to compartmentalize my thoughts.
And now I can actually do that,in my mind. I can kind of set
things up on a shelf, and I canenvision what I'm doing with my
thoughts. And so I can come backto it and then identify it and
quickly be able to say okay,yes, this is fantasy. This is
reality. Okay, fantasy, I'm donewith it, move it away, give it
away, say my positiveaffirmations. Imagine myself
crumpling up the paper andthrowing it away. I can do a lot
(18:36):
of that in my head now. But ittook practice for me. And I had
to do it physically. And thatphysical action was so cathartic
for me. So set time aside, andlike I said, I'm not saying to
totally ignore these feelings.
These are real feelings. Andlike we talked about grieving,
you really have to acknowledgethose feelings. But you also
(18:59):
have to learn how to cope withthem. How do you let them go?
How do you acknowledge it? Howdo you identify what's real and
what's fantasy and then let itgo. So give yourself that time,
that time doesn't have to happenin the moment. It doesn't
have to happen in the middle ofwhat's going on. You can set
time aside to address thosefeelings, and then work through
(19:20):
them to let them go. If you lookup grieving in general, there is
a process for grieving and thereare things that you can do to
help you with grieving andagain, grieving the loss of
something you didn't have ispretty much the same of grieving
something that you did have. Sothe process can work for you and
this type of situation grievingsomething that you never had
(19:41):
grieving the fantasy. So hereare some things that you can
look up anywhere really andthink about how you can handle
grief and this one is a big one.
Give yourself time grieving theloss of something, even if it's
the loss of something you neverhad doesn't happen overnight. Be
patient with yourself. Giveyourself time, practice.
Practice grieving. Accept yourfeelings. acknowledge your
(20:02):
feelings and know that there isa process to grieve this know
that there is a way to let thisgo. Talk to other people. If you
have a network of people whocare about you, talk to them. If
you need a support group to talkto other like minded people,
other parents who have childrenwith autism or special needs
people that you trust, go there,find that support group, let out
(20:24):
your feelings and let them go.
Realize that you are not alonein this. You are not alone. So
many people, including myselfare dealing with these thoughts
were dealing with how to grievewhat we didn't have. So I get
it. Reach out to me if you needsupport, DM me, contact me on
(20:44):
Instagram at Susan Fink don'trise, let me know you are not
alone. And I think that'scomforting. It's comforting to
know that these are normalthings that you're going
through. But there is a way outthere is a way to let them go.
There is a way to deal withthese emotions and grieve them
and let them go. Take care ofyourself. Meditate exercise,
(21:05):
what are the things that you doto get your feelings out? What
are the things that you do tohelp boost up those endorphins
in your mind, when I was angrywhen I was dealing with all of
these things, especially in thebeginning, when my son was
diagnosed, or when I already sawthe signs of what was going on.
I was angry. You know, I wasgrieving. I was sad, I was
angry, I was frustrated allthose things. So I took up a
(21:29):
kickboxing class, I needed topunch something I needed to kick
something I needed to get thatanger out, I needed to get this
emotion out. So do that takecare of yourself, what are the
things that work for you?
exercise for me, helps memeditating, journaling, praying,
focusing on gratitude, focusingon words of affirmation, being
present, those are some of thethings that helped me that take
(21:52):
care of myself to help me beable to be strong in my mindset
to be strong in my state ofmind, for my son, and for me, to
be healthier, to be happier, tonot get caught up in these
wishful thoughts and not getcaught up in this fantasy that I
know is not going to happen.
What are some things that you'repassionate about? Are you able
(22:13):
to pick up another hobby or pickup a hobby that you haven't done
before? redirect your energy,redirect your thoughts? Do
something for someone else, Ifind that if I'm of service to
someone else, I get out of myown head, I feel better, and I'm
helping other people at the sametime. So what can you do that
will help you make a shift? Whatcan you do to help you let go to
(22:36):
move forward to accept what isreality and to deal with that,
to move forward to let go ofyour fantasy and accept the
reality that you're in and lovethe reality that you're in to
identify those amazing momentsto be positive, even in some of
the most difficult times and Iget it Trust me. Things have not
(22:59):
been easy. They have beendifficult. They have been
stressful. I've been full ofanger and fear and worry and so
many things. But don't let thethoughts of fantasy Don't let
the thoughts of wishfulthinking. Don't let the thoughts
of what if thinking, don't letthese thoughts of being stuck in
your fantasy of what you thoughtthings were going to be like,
(23:21):
make things worse, it will justmake things worse. Let them go.
And that's it for this episode.
This was a really hard one forme to write about. And it was a
really hard one for me to recordactually had to pause this a few
times. Because I was tearing upand you know, thinking back on
some of these moments, it's noteasy, and I get it. Is this
(23:44):
something that you're facing?
Let me know if you need help, orsomeone to talk to you or
someone to relate to let meknow. And if you'd like to shoot
me a message DM me at Susan Finkdot rise on Instagram, I really
would love to hear from you. SoI hope that this has helped you.
I hope that what I'm doing hereand just pouring out my heart to
you and talking about some ofthese difficult topics is
(24:06):
helpful for you.
That really is my mission. Andif this resonates with you,
please subscribe to this podcastand also share this podcast if
you know another parent who isgoing through these things. If
you know another parent who hasa child with autism or special
needs, please share this podcastwith them so that we can help
more people. And as you know, mymission is to help as many
(24:26):
people as I can and I cannot dothat without you. So thank you.
Thank you. Thank you so much forlistening. Thank you for sharing
this podcast, help other people.
And until next time, Iappreciate I empathize and I am
here for you and we can do this
Hey, everyone, and welcome to the rise with the
light podcast. My name is SusanFink and this is my weekly
podcast dedicated to supportingfamilies raising children with
special needs. I'm on a missionto provide hope and positivity
through sharing my personalinsights, stories, mindset
perspectives, and ways tonavigate through this journey.
Let's get started. Hi there. Andthank you so much for joining
(00:48):
me. And I want to first mentionif any of this is resonating
with you, if any of theseepisodes so far resonating with
you make sure that you subscribeso that you don't miss another
episode. And if you know anotherparent who has a child with
autism or special needs, pleaseshare this podcast with them. I
really appreciate that you'relistening, and I appreciate all
of your shares, I have receivedso many kind messages about how
(01:11):
this podcast is helpful. Andthat really is my mission to
help other people with whatthey're going through, basically
sharing my personal stories andmy personal perspectives. And if
I can just touch one life, thatis really what matters to me.
And it seems like I'm touchingmore than one life, which is
just absolutely amazing. And Ijust really appreciate that
you're listening today, I wantto jump right into this topic,
(01:33):
because this is very close to myheart and something that I had
to go through and work through.
And we're going to get a bitdeep here. So bear with me here,
this is going to be a prettyheavy episode about grief. And
it's not about grievingsomething that you had, but it's
actually grieving something thatyou never had. So it's basically
(01:55):
grieving the fantasy. grievingisn't just about losing
something that you had, butsomething that maybe you wish
you had, or that you never had.
And all of these feelings thatcome with grief, sadness, pain,
loss, anger, depression,loneliness, all of these
feelings that come with griefare the same whether you had
something or you didn't havesomething, there really isn't a
(02:18):
difference between the feelings,right? So we have to still
grieve maybe something that wenever had, or something that
we're never going to have. Tome, this is called a fantasy.
And I actually had to workthrough this with my therapist,
we talked through a lot aboutthe fantasies that I had about
my son. And I had to let go ofthose fantasies. And now this is
(02:39):
a process. This is not somethingthat easily happens, at least
for me, it wasn't easy for me tolet go or to change the way that
I was thinking. But I had torecognize that what I was
wishing for what I had hoped forto be was actually a fantasy, it
wasn't going to happen. And Ihad to grieve it, I had to
grieve that loss. And at the endof the day, it is a loss. It was
(03:02):
a loss for me. And I'm notsaying that in a negative way,
like I lost something that I'vealways wanted. It's not
necessarily that it's just thatI was thinking about this
vision, I had this vision ofwhat my family was going to look
like I had this vision of whatmy son was going to be like, and
that vision those hopes thosedreams, those wishes,
(03:22):
ultimately, are my fantasy, theyare not reality. So I had to
distinguish between the two andreally become very aware of what
my thoughts were and what thosefantasies were. So I'll stop
right there. Do you relate tothis? Do you feel like you need
to let go of what you never had?
(03:44):
Do you need to let go of thisfantasy, and letting go of what
we thought it was going to be orwhat we wished it would be. And
when we think about the way thatour lives would be like, we
don't always recognize that theyare fantasies. So we almost have
to be acutely aware, very, very,very aware of our thoughts, and
very aware of how we're thinkingand distinguishing between the
(04:08):
two. Is this what I wish for, isthis my fantasy or is this
actually what is true. And whenwe get stuck in these fantasies,
it can cause frustration, anger,anxiety, just disappointment.
It's not healthy. And I know forme, I was comparing my reality
with my fantasy and that is justnot healthy at all. It leads to
(04:29):
so many negative emotions and weare not in the present. We are
not there in the moment. So areyou dealing with this? Do you
find that you're stuck in afantasy in your mind? Do you
find that you wished for thingsto be different when you know
that they won't be different? Doyou need to let that go. So when
I was working with my therapistabout this, my mind was just
(04:52):
blown. I never really heard thisconcept of grieving something
that I never had grievingsomething that I wished things
would be Like in grieving thatloss, the loss of my fantasy. So
I'll be honest here, this is mystory. These are things that I
was thinking. So when I foundout that I was pregnant, and I
was going to be a mom, and Ilearned that he was a boy, I was
(05:12):
just so excited. I had all thesefantasies and wishes and hopes
for what he would be like Ienvisioned everything would be
okay. I thought he would playsports like I did, I thought he
would be able to call me Mommy,I thought he would mimic me and
say the things that I wassaying, I thought he would try
to eat off my plate that hewould say things to me, I
thought he would talk. Some ofthese things are just pretty
(05:33):
basic. But when you have a childwith autism, you realize that
these things are not alwayspossible. You know, I thought he
was going to be social like me,I'm a social butterfly, I
thought he'd be able to makefriends. I thought he would want
to play with other kids. Ithought he would just naturally
gravitate to understandingsocial cues. So many things I
fantasized about so many thingsI wished for my son and
(05:57):
envisioned for him. See, eventhough I've let go of these
fantasies, it still brings tearsto my eyes thinking about those
moments that I was in thosewishes, those fantasies, the
things I hoped for, for my son.
But then let's switch to thereality. The reality is, none of
this happened. He didn't do thethings that I thought he would
(06:17):
do. He couldn't do the thingsthat I wished for the things
that I envisioned, he didn'tcall me Mommy, for many years,
he wasn't able to put sentencestogether, he wasn't able to even
see many words, he didn't playwith other kids, he has a hard
time socially, he would havethese incredibly difficult and
physical meltdowns because hewasn't able to communicate
(06:38):
sometimes hitting me and pullingmy hair and trying to rip my
eyes out. And he was just sofrustrated, because he couldn't
communicate. He's had a lot oflanguage delays. And so he
doesn't always understand whatI'm saying. He doesn't really
care much to play with otherkids. He didn't do any pretend
play until really recently. Andhe doesn't understand social
cues. And because of his speechdelays, other kids are not
(07:01):
patient with him. So he'susually left behind, and other
kids don't include him inplaytime. And my heart breaks
about those things. So thedifference between my fantasy
and what I had wished for andwhat I had envisioned for my son
is very different than thereality. Do you resonate with
this? do you relate to this? Didyou have thoughts about what
(07:22):
your child was going to be like?
And now are faced with a verycompletely different reality?
Have you let go? Have you let goof that fantasy? Have you
grieved the loss? Have yougrieved the loss of what you
haven't had? Have you grieve theloss of what won't be taking the
(07:43):
time to do that is so importantfor your own health and mental
well being and the way that youlive your life and the way that
you face the world that you areliving and the reality that
you're living in. And like Imentioned, when we hold on to
the fantasy when we haven't letit go, it can cause frustration,
anger, anxiety, disappointment,so many emotions that we don't
need to go through so manyemotions that we don't have to
(08:06):
respond to if we have dealt withthe fantasy, if we have grieved
it. And I've fallen into thistrap. I've been frustrated,
stressed, angry, disappointed.
I've been all of those things.
And I was doing that to myself.
I was doing that to myself,because I kept holding on to
what I wished for and what myfantasy was, and I was comparing
my reality with my son to thatfantasy. And my expectations
(08:29):
were completely all over theplace. How can I set
expectations on something Iwished for and my fantasy, when
that is not the reality, I hadto figure out how to deal with
these feelings and how to grievethis loss of something I never
had, and how to let it go. Letit go. So it doesn't affect you
anymore. Let it go. So itdoesn't hurt you anymore. Let it
(08:50):
go so that your expectations arelevel set, and that you're
living in the reality. And whenI'm thinking about things I
wished I had that I know willnot necessarily happen. It's
painful. fantasizing createspain. For me. It creates pain,
because what I was thinking andwhat I wish for is not
happening. It's not real in themoment, it's not actually
(09:10):
happening. It's not reality.
It's like I'm torturing myselfabout something that just isn't
true. Do you get that? Are youdoing that to yourself? are you
torturing yourself? Are you inpain? Because of your own
thoughts? Are you in painbecause of things that you're
not able to let go of? Thisfantasy creates pain because it
creates a difference. It createsa separation. It creates a
(09:33):
separation between what is realand something else in the future
or something else that is yourimagination. Something else that
is something that you wish forthat just won't happen. And
maybe it will happen. I'mtalking in generalities, right,
maybe some things that you arewishing for will happen. But
that separation between fantasyand reality creates that pain.
(09:53):
So how do we bridge that gap?
What do you do with the fantasy?
It's not like we can turn thisfantasy office on like a light
switch, right? You just turn itoff and it's done. That really
isn't realistic. The first stepis really knowing the
difference. recognizing yourfantasies, recognizing what you
need to letgo of being aware of your
thoughts helps you move forwardwith letting go. awareness of
(10:15):
what you're seeing in your mindis so important to be able to
move forward and manage youremotions to be able to be
present. To understand thedifference between the two, that
is the first step. And thistakes intention. You have to
really be aware and intentionalabout what you're thinking
about, and not let yourself godown this rabbit hole and go
(10:38):
down these emotions. And justfrivolously lose control, you
have to get control over yourmind, be aware of what you're
thinking about. That is thefirst step, understanding the
difference between the two,pause, think about what you're
thinking about, is it reality orfantasy, when I'm having these
fantasies when I'm wishing thatthings were different, or when
(10:58):
I'm wishing that my son couldput sentences together. And when
I'm wishing my son could talk tome and you know, just have an
easier time when I'm wishing myson had aspirations to make
friends and to be with otherpeople, when I'm wishing my son
could understand these socialcues. And I didn't have to help
them or train them on thesethings. That's when I have to
pause, I have to realize thatI'm wishing for these things.
(11:18):
These are fantasies, I have tolet this go. Because this is not
the reality that I'm living in.
Are you with me, the first stepis understanding the difference.
When you identify what thefantasy is, and your thought
process, switch it around, turnyour thoughts into saying a
positive affirmation toyourself. So you can do this out
(11:41):
loud, you can write it down, youcan just think it taking that
moment to pause identifying thatthis is a fantasy and then say
something positive, a positiveaffirmation. Thank you for what
I have today. What I have isbeautiful. Thank you for the
progress that he's made. Thankyou for the gift that you've
given me this beautiful, healthyboy, this beautiful, healthy
(12:03):
girl. Thank you for all thegifts that autism brings. Thank
you for giving me strength. I amstrong. There are so many
positive affirmations that youcan say to yourself in this
moment that will help you getthrough this fantasy that will
help you let go of the fantasythat you have. And think through
that fantasy. Think throughthose wishes. What are you
(12:25):
thinking about? Is it servingyou? Well, right now? is it
helping you in this moment, playthat fantasy forward, play that
tape forward. If this fantasy inthe way that you're thinking is
not serving you well is nothelping you, then you've got to
let it go. And if you're thepraying type, I'm a Christian.
So I do pray. You can also prayin this moment, identify the
(12:46):
fantasy and then pray about it.
You can say something like,please let me pay attention to
right now. Let me stopfantasizing, I'm thankful for my
son, my daughter, I'm thankfulfor my family, I'm thankful for
whatever it is that you'rethankful for turning it into
positive gratitude, positiveaffirmations and praying and
letting it go. And this kind ofhelps pop that bubble of fantasy
and holds that thought. So youdon't go down this negative
(13:09):
rabbit hole in the way thatyou're thinking, focusing on
what is right in front of you isso important in this moment. If
you are in a very challengingsituation, and you're having
these thoughts, I mean, Ipersonally have gone through a
lot of very challenging momentswith my son, especially when he
would have physical meltdowns,and he would be physically
(13:30):
violent toward me because hejust couldn't communicate. I
understand why he does thesethings and learning so much
about him. But in those moments,I would have these thoughts. I
would have these fantasythoughts I would have these
wishes of Oh, I wish things weredifferent. I wish you know, he
wouldn't do this. I wish hecould talk I wish he would
communicate. I wish he couldunderstand me all these wishes,
(13:50):
right? Was that helping me inthe moment? Were those thoughts
serving me and serving him?
Well? No, it was only making itworse. It was making it more
painful. So how do we reframeourselves in that moment, in
those moments, stop, stop thethinking, understand that this
is wishful thinking that theseare things that you have to let
(14:13):
go of. And even in the toughestmoments, pause, take a breath,
identify what you can begrateful for in this moment. In
my situation, I would have tosay, Okay, this meltdown only
took 30 minutes versus an hour,that is a win. That's a win for
us. That's a great thing. Andthat's something that instead of
saying, Oh, this took 30minutes, it's like no, I'm
(14:34):
grateful. I'm grateful. Thisonly took 30 minutes. I'm
grateful he was able to workthrough these things in 30
minutes versus an hour. I'mgrateful that I could be there
for him. I'm grateful I am hereand present, that I could help
him that we could push pastthis. So focus on the influence
that you're making on your childfocus on the help and the
advocacy and the love and carethat you're giving your child.
(14:56):
Focus on that. Be in the momentbe present. Stop wishful
thinking, there's no sense inthinking about those things. You
have to let them go. So in thosedifficult moments, reframe
yourself, be thankful, do somepositive affirmations focus on
the influence you're makingfocus on the things that you're
able to do in that moment. Whatdo you have control over right
(15:19):
now, in that moment, what canyou do to be helpful to be
loving to be supportive, even ifit's just sitting there waiting,
I've had to do that. While myson was having his different
meltdowns and differentchallenges, I basically had to
sit and wait. And we'd be out inpublic. And he'd have a really
difficult time. And I would justsit there and wait with him. I
(15:40):
didn't care. Everybody waslooking at me, I didn't care
that people were questioningwhat was going on. And I'm sure
people had thoughts in their ownand I don't care, I am sitting
there waiting patiently for myson helping him if I can,
sometimes I couldn't. SometimesI just had to wait. And of
course, make sure that he's safeand make sure that you know,
nothing is going to happen tohim and protect him. But wait.
(16:03):
And while you're waiting, bevery aware of what you're
thinking. And if you start goingdown this fantasy, and these
thoughts of your fantasies andwhat you wish would be different
or what you wish would happen.
Let it go. Be in the moment,focus on what you can do in the
moment, focus on your influence.
Now, I'm not saying to just notacknowledge your feelings at
(16:24):
all. That is absolutely not whatI'm saying. When you are in
those moments, train yourself todeal with it right then and
there. But you may not be ableto deal with your actual
emotions right then and there.
So have you ever set time asideto think this is something my
therapist actually helped me do?
And it was very cathartic forme. She basically was like,
(16:46):
Okay, if you're having athought, write it down and put
it away, like, take a post itnote, write it down and set it
aside, literally put it on ashelf somewhere, set that
thought aside, put it away, andcome back to it when you
schedule time to think throughit. When I'm having a thought
when I'm having a fantasy, whenI'm thinking wishful thoughts
(17:06):
are what if thoughts, orwhatever those thoughts would
be, set it aside, put it on ashelf. And you can do this in
your mind if you're not aphysical person, but it really
helped me to be physical andwrite things down, put it aside
set time in your day to actuallydeal with those thoughts. So
once you've set that time aside,and it's like five or 10
minutes, don't set an hour, wewant to be able to
(17:30):
compartmentalize these thoughts,put them aside and set time to
actually deal with them. And tothink through them. After you've
written it down. And you've comeback to it think about what you
wrote, ask yourself is this afantasy is this reality, if it's
a fantasy, do something with it,to get rid of it to let it go.
And for me physically writing itdown, like I said, and then
(17:52):
either ripping it up or burningit or shredding it, or whatever
you need to do to that piece ofpaper. And that thought,
whatever that is, give it away,get rid of it. The physical
action of doing that, to thatthought really helped me let
things go. And I had to do thisa lot, especially in the
beginning, when I was retrainingmy brain was retraining my brain
(18:14):
to compartmentalize my thoughts.
And now I can actually do that,in my mind. I can kind of set
things up on a shelf, and I canenvision what I'm doing with my
thoughts. And so I can come backto it and then identify it and
quickly be able to say okay,yes, this is fantasy. This is
reality. Okay, fantasy, I'm donewith it, move it away, give it
away, say my positiveaffirmations. Imagine myself
crumpling up the paper andthrowing it away. I can do a lot
(18:36):
of that in my head now. But ittook practice for me. And I had
to do it physically. And thatphysical action was so cathartic
for me. So set time aside, andlike I said, I'm not saying to
totally ignore these feelings.
These are real feelings. Andlike we talked about grieving,
you really have to acknowledgethose feelings. But you also
(18:59):
have to learn how to cope withthem. How do you let them go?
How do you acknowledge it? Howdo you identify what's real and
what's fantasy and then let itgo. So give yourself that time,
that time doesn't have to happenin the moment. It doesn't
have to happen in the middle ofwhat's going on. You can set
time aside to address thosefeelings, and then work through
(19:20):
them to let them go. If you lookup grieving in general, there is
a process for grieving and thereare things that you can do to
help you with grieving andagain, grieving the loss of
something you didn't have ispretty much the same of grieving
something that you did have. Sothe process can work for you and
this type of situation grievingsomething that you never had
(19:41):
grieving the fantasy. So hereare some things that you can
look up anywhere really andthink about how you can handle
grief and this one is a big one.
Give yourself time grieving theloss of something, even if it's
the loss of something you neverhad doesn't happen overnight. Be
patient with yourself. Giveyourself time, practice.
Practice grieving. Accept yourfeelings. acknowledge your
(20:02):
feelings and know that there isa process to grieve this know
that there is a way to let thisgo. Talk to other people. If you
have a network of people whocare about you, talk to them. If
you need a support group to talkto other like minded people,
other parents who have childrenwith autism or special needs
people that you trust, go there,find that support group, let out
(20:24):
your feelings and let them go.
Realize that you are not alonein this. You are not alone. So
many people, including myselfare dealing with these thoughts
were dealing with how to grievewhat we didn't have. So I get
it. Reach out to me if you needsupport, DM me, contact me on
(20:44):
Instagram at Susan Fink don'trise, let me know you are not
alone. And I think that'scomforting. It's comforting to
know that these are normalthings that you're going
through. But there is a way outthere is a way to let them go.
There is a way to deal withthese emotions and grieve them
and let them go. Take care ofyourself. Meditate exercise,
(21:05):
what are the things that you doto get your feelings out? What
are the things that you do tohelp boost up those endorphins
in your mind, when I was angrywhen I was dealing with all of
these things, especially in thebeginning, when my son was
diagnosed, or when I already sawthe signs of what was going on.
I was angry. You know, I wasgrieving. I was sad, I was
angry, I was frustrated allthose things. So I took up a
(21:29):
kickboxing class, I needed topunch something I needed to kick
something I needed to get thatanger out, I needed to get this
emotion out. So do that takecare of yourself, what are the
things that work for you?
exercise for me, helps memeditating, journaling, praying,
focusing on gratitude, focusingon words of affirmation, being
present, those are some of thethings that helped me that take
(21:52):
care of myself to help me beable to be strong in my mindset
to be strong in my state ofmind, for my son, and for me, to
be healthier, to be happier, tonot get caught up in these
wishful thoughts and not getcaught up in this fantasy that I
know is not going to happen.
What are some things that you'repassionate about? Are you able
(22:13):
to pick up another hobby or pickup a hobby that you haven't done
before? redirect your energy,redirect your thoughts? Do
something for someone else, Ifind that if I'm of service to
someone else, I get out of myown head, I feel better, and I'm
helping other people at the sametime. So what can you do that
will help you make a shift? Whatcan you do to help you let go to
(22:36):
move forward to accept what isreality and to deal with that,
to move forward to let go ofyour fantasy and accept the
reality that you're in and lovethe reality that you're in to
identify those amazing momentsto be positive, even in some of
the most difficult times and Iget it Trust me. Things have not
(22:59):
been easy. They have beendifficult. They have been
stressful. I've been full ofanger and fear and worry and so
many things. But don't let thethoughts of fantasy Don't let
the thoughts of wishfulthinking. Don't let the thoughts
of what if thinking, don't letthese thoughts of being stuck in
your fantasy of what you thoughtthings were going to be like,
(23:21):
make things worse, it will justmake things worse. Let them go.
And that's it for this episode.
This was a really hard one forme to write about. And it was a
really hard one for me to recordactually had to pause this a few
times. Because I was tearing upand you know, thinking back on
some of these moments, it's noteasy, and I get it. Is this
(23:44):
something that you're facing?
Let me know if you need help, orsomeone to talk to you or
someone to relate to let meknow. And if you'd like to shoot
me a message DM me at Susan Finkdot rise on Instagram, I really
would love to hear from you. SoI hope that this has helped you.
I hope that what I'm doing hereand just pouring out my heart to
you and talking about some ofthese difficult topics is
(24:06):
helpful for you.
That really is my mission. Andif this resonates with you,
please subscribe to this podcastand also share this podcast if
you know another parent who isgoing through these things. If
you know another parent who hasa child with autism or special
needs, please share this podcastwith them so that we can help
more people. And as you know, mymission is to help as many
(24:26):
people as I can and I cannot dothat without you. So thank you.
Thank you. Thank you so much forlistening. Thank you for sharing
this podcast, help other people.
And until next time, Iappreciate I empathize and I am
here for you and we can do this
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