How are you coping?

Coping on a fundamental level is what we do in our response to stress, trauma, challenges, etc. There are two basic ways of thinking about coping: 1) active or engaging coping strategies and 2) avoidant or disengaged coping behaviors.

Active coping is basically the willingness to address your challenges head on, whether that's internally or externally. This type of coping includes reframing the way you think, accepting what is going on, problem solving to figure out a solution and working toward regulating your emotions. 

On the flip side, avoidant coping strategies is basically just that, avoiding it altogether. Having denial or wishful thinking is what this type of behavior looks like. It's basically the flight of the fight or flight phenomenon - you're fleeing the situation, you don't want to deal with it, you escape. 

There are also two types of coping, inward or outward. Outward is to look toward the outside world to cope - doing things like working, helping the community, talking to others. Some negative outward coping behaviors could also look like:

• Taking out on other people
• Taking an action
• Argumentative
• Aggression

On the other hand, inward behaviors are just that - curling internally, not outwardly to cope with what you're facing. Types of behaviors could include: 

• Binge watch tv
• Self care may look like sleep, eating. Reading, meditation, prayer

Escaping is also a way of coping, which I have turned to. Escape could be turning to alcohol, overeating, drug use to escape the situation and what's going on. But, ultimately, this doesn't resolve the issue and the trauma, stress, anixety, etc is still there. Escaping can be a dangerous road to take and often can lead to a very negative mindset, not making the situation any better. 

I did this - I used to cope by drinking to escape. After a stressful day, when my son would go to bed, I would tell myself I deserved a glass of wine, I deserved it because it was tough. What I was really doing was escaping my emotions and challenges, which never went away, they were still there. 

So, I ask you, what is the way in which you cope? Is it healthy? 

Are you addressing the issue or avoiding it?

Are you making things better or worse? 

Is how you're coping getting in the way of your goals? 

I believe that awareness and understanding how you cope, and why you do what you do is the best place to start when thinking about these questions. Being aware will give you a foundation to start to identify what you need to change to live a more fulfilling, healthier and happier life in the midst of the challenges. 

I also believe that short term pain will lead to long-term gain. Many people choose the escape route and to disengage because it's the easier path to take. Dealing with all that you're going through head on and engaging in it is not easier, it's harder, BUT, it will give you a path to freedom, a path to longer-term gain. 

I hope this helps you. Please follow, share and comment and please share it with someone who may need to hear this message. Please follow me on Instagram @susanfink.rise and reach out to connect if you need help. I am a mindset and life coach and am here to help you push through your challenges to create a customized toolkit to help you. 

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Episode Transcript

Susan Fink (00:09):
Hey, everyone, and welcome to the rise with the
light podcast. My name is SusanFink and this is my weekly
podcast dedicated to supportingfamilies raising children with
special needs. I'm on a missionto provide hope and positivity
through sharing my personalinsights, stories, mindset
perspectives, and ways tonavigate through this journey.
Let's get started.

(00:46):
Hi, there. And thank you so muchfor joining me today, I wanted
to quickly mention, please makesure that you follow this
podcast so that you don't missanother episode. And if these
episodes are helping you, pleaseleave a star rating a comment or
share this podcast with someoneelse that you think might be
able to benefit from it so thatI can continue to help other
people. So thank you so muchagain, for being here. I really

(01:06):
appreciate you listening. And Ireally do hope that these
episodes are helping you. Solet's go ahead and jump into
this episode all about coping.
How are you coping with thingsthat are going on in your life?
On a fundamental level coping isbasically what we do in response
to different situations, stresstrauma challenges, and as a
parent with a child with specialneeds and a single parent on top

(01:30):
of it, I have had to deal withdifferent ways of coping,
figuring out what is the bestway for me to cope with
different stress, anxiety, fear,trauma challenges. I mean,
there's so much that happens inlife, right? So how do you
actually cope with what is goingon with you with what is going
on around you what's going on inyour family and relationships

(01:51):
with your children with schoolat work, we have to figure out
healthy strategies and how wecope with life. Right. And I've
had to figure this out the hardway. I've tried a lot of
different ways of coping. Andhow do you cope? Have you
thought about it? Are youactually intentional in the way
that you cope in the choicesthat you make and how you cope?

(02:14):
That's definitely something thatI didn't really think about. I
wasn't intentional with how Iwas coping, I was pretty much
just doing whatever I felt thatwould make me feel better in the
moment. And that isn't alwaysthe healthiest way. So how do
you cope? What is coping on abasic level, like I said, it's
what we do in response tosomething that's going on in our

(02:35):
lives. But there are twofundamental ways basic ways of
thinking about coping and howpeople cope. So the first way is
called active coping. So this ismore of being engaged with
what's going on. If you thinkabout it that way, active coping
is basically the willingness tointeract with the stress or fear

(02:55):
or anxiety, whatever you'redealing with, it's actually
facing it. It's the willingnessto face it to put effort into
engaging with those feelings andemotions and challenges and
whatever is happening. So youactually engage you actually
think about the problem, thesituation, you think about it,
and you engage with it, youfigure out a way to get through

(03:16):
it. So some of these copingefforts and strategies include
basically reframing your brain,accepting what's going on
problem solving, regulating youremotions, figuring out tools
that you can use in a positive,healthy way that can help you
push through and cope with whatyou're going through and really

(03:38):
engage and being active with allof the things that are
happening. On the flip side,there's avoidant coping
behaviors and strategies, right,this is disengaging. So the
first way is active, you'retotally engaged with what's
going on. The second way isbasically avoiding it. And a lot
of us fall into this category,we avoid what's going on, we are
not willing to confront theproblem or the situation the

(04:03):
feelings were basically escapingthat right, we are avoiding it.
So some of the avoiding copingstrategies and behaviors are
denial, wishful thinking,avoiding it altogether, just not
even addressing and facing thefeelings and the things that are
happening head on. Right, we runaway from it. It's almost like

(04:24):
this fight or flight type ofsituation where active
engagement of coping strategiesis like you're fighting through
it, you're working through it,you're engaging with it. And
avoiding is like the flight youjust don't even want to deal
with it. You don't want to thinkabout it. You're in denial about
it, you avoid it. You havewishful thinking, I wish things
were different. I wish this wasthis way. I wish that was that
way. There's two different waysof going about it. So have you

(04:46):
thought about which way you dealwith coping? Are you active? are
you engaging in it? Or are youavoiding it? Are you disengaged
in how you're dealing withwhat's going on around you? I
really believe that being awareof how you deal with life, how
you deal with the things thatare happening, the stress, the
anxiety, the fear, thechallenges in the family's

(05:09):
relationships, work, whateverthat is, I really believe the
first step is being aware, beingaware of how you cope, what do
do you run away from it? Do youaddress it? Do you engage with
it? Do you disengage? do youavoid it altogether? Do you look
for ways to escape? Or do youactually figure out tools and
you problem solve, and youfigure out what your emotions

(05:30):
are and you accept what's goingon. So have you thought about
what direction you typically goin. There's also two other ways
of coping outward coping versusinward coping
outward coping is more aroundlooking at the outside world
around you, and figuring out howyou can use your energy to cope

(05:50):
with what you're going throughwith the outside world. So this
could be something like you workin the community, you talk to
other people, sometimes thisoutward coping can also lead to
some negative outward copingstrategies that people do they
take things out on other people,they take an action that might
be negative or harmful, they aremaybe argumentative, or

(06:10):
aggressive. Being outward isn'tnecessarily positive, it's just
a different way of coping,right, you could also become a
workaholic. And that could alsobe a sense of avoiding what's
going on. But there's also otherpositive things you can work in
the community and really getoutside of yourself with that,
which actually helps youmentally and with your mindset,
talking to others is outward,that could actually be really

(06:33):
healing for you talking to otherpeople talking to a coach, a
therapist, friends, family,whatever that might be, whoever
that might be. There's also thisother side of it is inward
coping. inward coping isbasically kind of like curling
up into yourself, you're tryingto figure out how to deal with
the trauma or the challenges orthe stress or whatever you're
going through, but you kind ofcurl into yourself. So some

(06:54):
activity might be like bingewatching TV, do you binge watch
Netflix, or Hulu or, you know,shows, some of this might also
be just sleeping, reading,meditating, praying, eating. So
it nets isn't necessarilypositive, but you're kind of
more inward, you're dealing withthings on an inward basis,

(07:15):
you're not looking outside tocope, you're basically just kind
of coping and you're doing somelevel of self care, but it may
not necessarily be the mostpositive, but it's also not
necessarily negative either.
It's just the way in which wecope. But it goes back to the
first two basic ways of thinkingof coping. Are you actually
active and engaging with whatyou're going through so that you

(07:37):
can come through with acceptanceand problem solving and
solutions? Or are you avoidingso some of the outward and
inward strategies could alsoland into the avoiding or
disengaging coping behaviors? Sowhat do you typically do? Do you
escape what you're going throughescaping could also look like
drinking, overeating drug use,it could be finding kind of like

(08:01):
these vices that give you anescape mentally, so you don't
have to deal with what's goingon. And I'll be totally honest
with you, I used to drink toescape what I was dealing with.
I'm not really proud to admitthat. But it was a coping
strategy for me, it was a wayfor me to mentally just get out
of myself get out of what I'mdealing with all of the

(08:24):
challenges and the stress andanxiety. It gave me an escape,
but it actually didn't solveanything. I was avoiding. Right,
I was avoiding what I was goingthrough, I wasn't tackling it
head on. I wasn't figuring outsolutions. I was just delaying
the inevitable, delaying. Youknow what I needed to do. It was
an escape for me, but it was anunhealthy escape. And I actually

(08:47):
don't drink alcohol anymore. Idon't find ways to escape. I
really try to engage with whatI'm dealing with and really
tried to be active in myemotions and my feelings and
have intentions of how Iactually cope. And I try to cope
in a very positive way. I copeoutwardly. And inwardly, I read
I meditate I pray. Those areinward things that I do you to

(09:10):
heal myself to really addresswhat's going on. And then I do
outward coping, talking to otherpeople, helping other people
reaching out to friends, family,working with community, working
with people who are goingthrough what I'm going through
and helping them. Those are waysthat I have found that have
helped me cope with my ownchallenges and the things that

(09:31):
I'm going through especially myemotional challenges that I've
had to work through. You know, Ioften see especially moms
reaching for that quote,unquote, mommy juice, right?
It's kind of become this jokeabout oh, I need my mommy juice.
I need my mommy juice. Andthat's for people that don't
know what mommy juice is. It'spertaining to like wine or
alcohol, right? It's an escape.

(09:53):
It's been a tough day. I've gotmy kids I'm dealing with this
challenge that challenge work,family, husband, friends,
whatever it is. Right,I need my mommy juice, I used to
be that person, you know, my sonwould go to bed and I would
drink, I would try to escape allof the things that I was dealing
with. That hasn't been the casefor a long time now. But looking
back, it was such a destructiveway to deal with what I was

(10:17):
going through to cope. It wasdestructive, it was just
destroying my body, my mind, Iwasn't healthier in any way, I
was more unhealthy. Andespecially from a mindset
perspective, I was not able toreally think clearly, I wasn't
able to cope and deal with theemotions and figuring out a
healthier way to get throughwhat I was going through. So it

(10:38):
took a lot of intention for meto make a lot of shifts and a
lot of healthier shifts in mylife. But it took awareness of
what I was doing to actuallyfigure out why I'm coping the
way that I am. And what are myother alternatives or coping? So
I'd like to ask you, how are youcoping? Have you thought about
it? Are you aware of what you'redoing, what your actions are?

(11:02):
Where your mind is going? Is ithealthy for you? are you
addressing what you're goingthrough? Are you trying to avoid
it? Because I will tell you thatwhen you avoid what you're going
through, it doesn't go away.
It's still there. You're justnot addressing it. You're not
looking at it head on. But it'sstill there, until you actually

(11:22):
address it head on and figureout ways to push through it, it
will be there. So avoiding isn'tnecessarily the answer. But a
lot of people do. Do that as acoping strategy. And again,
being aware, right? Are youdoing that? Are you making
things better? Or are you makingthings worse? Are you living a

(11:43):
healthy, happy, mindful life? Oris the way that you're coping,
making things worse, isn'tmaking things harder for you?
When I was drinking, and I wouldcope escaping, things didn't
feel better, maybe for thatsplit second when you have that
euphoric feeling of alcohol, andyou're just kind of like, Oh,
this feels really great. Forlike that. 30 minutes, right? I

(12:06):
mean, that 30 minutes of thatfeel good feeling didn't make
the situation better, didn'tmake things any better. It just
gave me a little bit of relief.
But it made things worse, I feltterrible. I didn't like how I
was feeling. I didn't like how Iwas looking. I didn't like how I
was thinking, you know, itdidn't really help me. It didn't
help the situation. So is yourcoping, getting you to your

(12:29):
goals? Do you have goals? Do youhave ambitions? Do you have a
vision of how you want your lifeto be is the way that you're
coping with what you're goingthrough actually
getting you closer to thosegoals? These are questions I'm
hoping that I'm asking you, butyou can ask yourself, you can
actually become more aware ofhow you're coping and consider

(12:50):
some other alternatives ofcoping. And I do believe that
short term pain can give youlong term gain. A lot of times
people choose to avoid whatthey're going through, they
choose to escape, they choose todisengage and cope with denial,
avoidance, wishful thinking, alot of times people do that,

(13:11):
because it's the easier route,being active and engaged with
coping, dealing head on withwhat you're going through.
reframing your brain acceptingproblem solving, having that
regulation of your emotions,that is the harder path. Right,
it's easier to just escape.
That's an easy route to take.
But is easy, better, is easy,getting you closer to the life

(13:35):
you envision is easier gettingyou through what you're going
through, it probably isn't. Somy philosophy and things that
I've learned in my journey isthat short term pain can give
you long term gain. So goingthrough this short term
engagement of coping, and thechallenges and facing them head
on. That is the harder thing todo being active and how you

(13:58):
cope. But I guarantee you thatit will get you closer to your
goals. It will help you so muchmore and give you so much gain
in the future. Going throughthat short term pain will give
you that long term gain. So it'simportant to remember that
coping and how you cope is up toyou. Your choices or your

(14:19):
choices. You have choices andhow you deal with what you're
going through. It may not beeasy. No one said going through
life and challenges and stress,anxiety, fear, all the stuff
that we go through, especiallyas parents with special needs
children and for me, especiallyas a single parent, these
circumstances are not always theeasiest to deal with, or to face

(14:41):
and be active in. But you have achoice and how you approach it.
You have a choice in youractions. You have a choice in
the way that you think you havea choice and how you cope. And I
hope this has given yousomething to think about. Again,
I really believe awareness inwhat you do and Why you do the
things you do is so criticalwhen we're talking about coping.

(15:05):
So if there's anything I can doto help you, I am a mindset and
life coach, please reach out tome DM me at Susan Fink dot rise.
Or you can also check out mywebsite on rise mindset calm,
let's connect. If you need helpreach out to other people who
may be going through what you'regoing through. If you need a
therapist, if you need to talkto someone to figure out how you

(15:26):
can cope and get through this ina healthier way and face what
you're going through head on andactively engage with what is
going on in your life, make surethat you find that support is
definitely out there for you. Sothat's it for this episode. I
really hope that this has helpedyou. I hope that this has made
you just think and ask yourselfthose questions. And if you can

(15:47):
relate to this, please followthis podcast so that you don't
miss another episode and sharethis podcast with someone who
may need to hear it in mymission, as you know is to help
as many people as I can and Icannot do that without you. So
thank you. Thank you. Thank youso much for listening. Thank you
for your support and sharingthis podcast to help others and
until next time, I appreciate Iempathize and I am here for you.

(16:10):
And we can do this