February 20, 2021 • 23 mins
In this episode, I talk specifically about anger. This is a challenging emotion to navigate, it can take over our entire body and can make us do and say things that we may not mean.
When my son was diagnosed and throughout our journey of autism, I have seen anger rise up inside of me - I have let it take control of me rather than taking control of it.
What I learned is the emotion of anger may not even be related fully to the circumstance that is actually happening. It can be rooted in so many othert hings, that impact our anger, how it comes out, how we deal with it.
Anger doesn't solve anything and I talk about ways to cope and create your own toolbox to find ways to handle your emotions, particularly anger.
I also talk about acceptance in this episode. Perhaps our anger comes from not actually accepting our circumstances, accepting a diagnosis. It can also stem from going through the grieving process.
Regardless of what your anger is rooted in, finding ways to cope with it, to adknowledge it, use your toolbox to let it all go. This is critical to your success as a parent, to make mindset shifts in this area of anger to support your child and your family in the best way.
The last thing I’ll say is acceptance. Perhaps we’re angry because we also haven't fully accepted what the situation is. We’re holding on thinking things will change when they aren’t changing fast enough, when they are not changing at all. We want to take it out on someone, on our kids, our spouse, but often times it’s our inability to accept what we cannot change. It’s our want and desire for something we envisioned in our lives, that does not exist. We may be feeling sorry for ourselves and haven't gotten to a place where we accept our child for who they are, for everything they are and we are stuck. We do have to figure out how to let this go, how to make this shift into acceptance, even though it is a really difficult time. We have to be able to move beyond what we wanted, what we hoped for and realize what we cannot change, progress forward ourselves and focus on what we have right in front of us.
That’s it for this episode. If you can relate to this, please subscribe or follow this podcast so you never miss an episode. And I’m curious, How would or do you respond when people say this? I’m curious...DM me @susanfink.rise. I really would love to hear from you.
My mission is to help as many people as I can and I cannot do that without you. Thank you, thank you thank you for listening, thank you for your support in sharing this podcast to help others. And until next time, I appreciate, I empathize, and I am here for you. and...We...can do this
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Susan Fink (00:09):
Hey, everyone, and welcome to the rise with the
light podcast. My name is SusanFink and this is my weekly
podcast dedicated to supportingfamilies raising children with
special needs. I'm on a missionto provide hope and positivity
through sharing my personalinsights, stories, mindset
perspectives, and ways tonavigate through this journey.
Let's get started.
(00:46):
Hey, everyone, and thank you somuch for joining me today, I
wanted to quickly mention thatplease make sure that you
subscribe or follow this podcastso you don't miss another
episode. And if these episodesare helping you please leave a
star rating a comment or sharethis podcast so that I can help
other people too. So I reallyappreciate all of the kind words
I've received. I appreciate allof the likes, and the comments
and the sharing. And my wholemission here is just to make
(01:08):
sure that I'm helping otherpeople, I'm speaking about my
own personal experiences andhopes that this resonates with
you and that I can help you knowthat you are not alone. And that
there are so many people outthere that can help you. And I
am one of those people so that Ihope I am a light for you. I
hope that this is helping you.
And I just wanted to thank youall so much for listening. Now I
wanted to get right into thisepisode, because we have a lot
(01:30):
to cover. And I actually put outa poll on which topic to cover.
First, I have so many topics,and I wanted to make sure that I
was resonating with you that I'mrelating to what you really need
to hear. So what came out in thepoll was for me to talk about
anger. So this episode is allabout anger. So first, let me
say that you are not alone. Manyof us go through anger. And we
(01:56):
may not have had challenges withanger before we had our child or
before we found out about adiagnosis of autism or their
special needs. But here we aredealing with this crazy feeling
of anger, the emotions that arerunning through us and the
ability for anger to really takeover our being to take over our
minds take over our actions, theway that we think and basically
(02:17):
everything. And I don't knowabout you, but I have dealt with
anger through so many differentsituations. And it is something
that can really take over yourentire body. And I've
experienced that it is a reallydifficult emotion to grab ahold
of. But I wanted to ask you thisquestion. What are you so angry
about? Do you think that angeris about something your child
(02:42):
has done? Or about theirdiagnosis or maybe about a
meltdown? Or what they did ordidn't do or what they can and
can't do? Do you think that youranger is actually that? The
reason I'm asking you thatquestion is because I want to
unpack some of this. And I'vedealt with a lot of different
types of situations where I'vebeen really angry. And here are
some of those situations. SoI've been so angry about my
(03:03):
son's diagnosis, my son has beenhitting me a lot lately. And
this is a new behavior that I'mexperiencing. And I get really
angry and frustrated about it. Imean, he sometimes hits me
really hard, he is reallystrong. And he hits me and slaps
me and you know, all over theplace. And sometimes I just get
so angry, and I get reallyfrustrated about it. I'm angry
(03:23):
about my son's and ability tocommunicate, to play with other
kids to understand social normsto be able to have a
conversation I'm angry aboutwhen he has a meltdown. And I'm
angry about doing this all aloneas a single parent. And I know
we have a lot to be angry about.
But let's stop and think aboutwhy we're angry. Did you ever
(03:45):
stop and wonder if your anger isactually about something else,
and not what is in front of you.
So maybe your anger is rooted insomething else. So let's unpack
some of these things that I'mactually angry about or have
been angry about. And I want tounpack them because I want you
to see the root of where some ofthis anger has come from. It is
actually not about a certainsituation, it goes a lot deeper
(04:09):
than that. And I believe thatyou really have to find the root
of what you're angry about. Youhave to dig deeper to see and
understand what that anger isstemming from. So that you can
actually resolve that anger andyou can deal with that anger and
face it. Because if we don'tknow what we're actually angry
about, if we don't know the rootof it, how are we supposed to
(04:31):
resolve it and how do we dealwith it when it comes back up
again. So let's unpack some ofthese, the anger about the
diagnosis. When my son wasdiagnosed, I went through a lot
of different emotions many of ushave gone through and anger was
definitely one of those I was soangry about him having autism,
but what this was rooted in wasactually grieving. Anger is a
(04:53):
part of the grieving process andI was definitely grieving the
loss of one I had envisioned theloss of what I never was going
to have. And if you listen tothe previous episodes, I think
it's two episodes before thisgrieving the fantasy grieving,
something we didn't have, you'llunderstand what I'm talking
about here, I wasn't angry athim, I wasn't angry at my son
(05:14):
and his diagnosis, I was goingthrough the grieving process.
Now take my son hitting me,I don't know if your son or
daughter is physical, but whenthey hit or slap you around, or
just they do this out of maybethey're stimming, or they're
excited about something, or theyare angry about something or
whatever is going on, you know,My son was hitting me, and it's
constant. And it was rooted inme just being totally annoyed
(05:38):
about him doing this physicalaction. So I wasn't really angry
at him about his autismnecessarily, I was angry and
annoyed about this physicalaction that he was doing. And I
did have to address it, he wasalso hitting me pretty hard. And
I also know that this isprobably partly of his age of
how old he is, and the stagethat he's in in his life and not
necessarily related to autism.
(06:01):
And there is a lesson that heneeded to learn about
understanding his own string. SoI did have to calm down before
addressing it with him, I didneed to address this with him in
the moment that he was actuallyhitting me. But I also didn't
have to go into theextensiveness of talking about
what was going on right away. SoI knew that if I talked to him
(06:22):
right away in more detail, itwas going to turn into another
type of meltdown. And oftentimesthat does with him, if he feels
a lot of remorse for somethinghe does, he actually shuts down.
So I had to really address thisvery gently, even though I was
really angry and frustrated. ButI knew that my anger was really
just about the physical action.
It wasn't anything that definedmy son, it was just something
(06:45):
that he was doing. So I did haveto address it. But then later,
when we didn't have otherdistractions around us, I was
able to debrief with him laterand really get his full
attention to help him understandwhat he was doing and why he
needed to change that behavior.
But again, I wasn't upset athim, I was upset at the action
that he was doing. And then Ihad to figure out a way to
(07:07):
resolve that action, being angryabout his meltdowns. Now this
anger is rooted in my inabilityto manage my own emotions about
why he was having a meltdown. Iactually didn't know what was
causing it. And I was justangry, I was angry with myself,
I was angry with where we were,if we were in a public place, I
was angry about why he was evendoing it versus other kids that
(07:30):
were not doing these behaviors.
Perhaps I was angry about whatother people were thinking. So
this anger may have been rootedin multiple things. what other
people thought I was comparingmy son to other kids, my lack of
knowledge of knowing what to do,so I wasn't necessarily angry at
him. It was all of these otherthings that was fueling my
anger. The other thing was, Iwas not armed with the tools I
(07:51):
needed in order to help him withhis meltdown. So that also made
me even more angry. It justperpetuated itself. The whole
thing about comparing comparingis the thief of joy. You may
have heard that before. And Iactually did a video on this on
my Instagram TV videos. And Irecommend that you watch this
because it does go intocomparing why we do it and how
(08:11):
to stop it. And I admit, I wascomparing my son to other kids.
Have you ever done that too?
Have you ever sat and thought,why is my son doing this? And
why aren't other kids doingthis, or my son or daughter is
not able to do the things thatother kids are able to do? And
I'm guilty of that. And I knowit's not healthy? Is it
(08:32):
something that we actually haveto change? And the anger for me
was more about myself andfeeling like a victim? I was
thinking of this woe is memindset, why me Why us, I had to
change this really quickly toaccept what was going on.
Because I couldn't change it. Ididn't know what was going on or
how to handle it. And this wasmaking me even more angry, not
(08:55):
only was angry makingcomparisons, I was concerned
about what other people thoughtwas really at the end of the
day, who cares what other peoplethink the most important thing
is figuring out solutions foryour child, especially in these
really difficult moments. But Iwas fueling my own anger. And I
didn't know how to handle it. Ididn't know how to handle these
situations in these meltdowns.
So we need to arm ourselves withthe information, we need to
(09:16):
identify what the triggers are,we need to figure out how to
help our children through themeltdown. And even if that means
just waiting until it's done.
There have been many times whereI just sat and waited for the
meltdown to be done. And that isnot an easy thing to do. Either.
You could sit there and beangry. But there are ways to
(09:38):
handle these situations. And ifyou do have a therapy team, ask
that therapy team as the team,what are the solutions? What are
different situations anddifferent resolutions that you
can actually do when your childis going through this so that
you don't become more angry thatyou know that you have tools
available for you and you cananticipate the triggers and that
you're not comparing and reallyfeeling yourself of the joy and
(09:58):
we know these things Just don'thelp us. They don't resolve the
anger. The other things thatI've been angry about were my
sons and abilities, hisinability to communicate, to
play with other kids tounderstand social cues to have
conversations. Sometimes I'mtrying to talk to him, and he's
not even paying attention. Andhe's not attending, you know,
he's not able to stay on topicwith conversations. And I get
(10:21):
reallyfrustrated and angry about it.
But I realized my anger wasrooted in my own selfishness. I
wanted him to be able to dothese things. I wanted him to be
able to communicate and to beable to play with other kids.
This is what I wanted. Thesewere my own desires. But he
isn't wired this way. I was notfully accepting him for who he
is. Instead, I was focused onwhat I wanted. Have you been
(10:42):
there? Have you had thesethoughts, too? You know, the
other thing is, I've been angryabout going through this alone,
I'm a single parent, this hasnot been easy. This is not an
easy journey, even when you havea significant other, let alone
going through it alone. So it'sdifficult. And it's hard not to
have someone by our side to helpand with this, not only this
dynamic, but also just everydaylife. So I found myself getting
(11:04):
angry at that. And that angerhas fueled other things that
I've thought I was angry about.
And I've since been able to letit go and focus on my purpose
and focus on my son, obviously,but it wasn't always easy. So
the bottom line is our anger maynot be obvious, it may be rooted
in something else. So you haveto dig deeper into identifying
what you're really angry about.
Dig beyond the surface, digbeyond what you think is
(11:27):
obvious. Dig beyond what youthink is in front of you that's
making you angry, because Iguarantee you, it may not be
actually that situation, it maynot be what's currently
happening, there may besomething deeper in you that
needs to be resolved. So reallyidentifying that as the first
step, and then you can work toresolve it. So speaking of
resolving anger, what can you dowhen you feel that anger arising
(11:50):
inside of you? Do you take itout on other people? Do you take
it out on your child, I say,don't do that, try not to take
your anger out on other people,you have to really look within
to identify what is making youangry, like I just said, there
are also things that you can doin the moment. I know things
happen in the moment, and thingscan move really quickly. And I
(12:11):
experienced that with my son alot. There's some things that
happen. And I just I can feelthat anger just boiling inside
of me, I can feel this negativeemotion just rising up inside of
me, there are things that we cando, we have to build our toolbox
of things that we can do to helpus resolve this anger and to
also resolve it in the moment.
(12:34):
Now this takes intention, ittakes practice, you have to be
so aware of your emotions. Andsome of us aren't aware of our
emotions. Sometimes we actwithout even thinking or we say
things without even thinking.
And that's why this takes somuch intention and so much
practice. So the first thing Iwould say to do is when you feel
this feeling coming up inside ofyou to stop to pause before you
(12:55):
do anything. I am a Christian.
And you may have heard thisbefore. And by no means am I
trying to push any religion onyou. but hear me out on this.
It's from the book of James 119.
And it says everyone should bequick to listen slow to speak
and slow to become angry. Andthere's a lot of other scripture
(13:15):
before it and after it. But thisstatement, everyone should be
quick to listen, slow to speakand slow to become angry is
something that really resonateswith me, even if you're not a
Christian, right? Even if youare not religious at all, this
statement is so important. Andwhat it basically is saying is
to just stop, practice stoppingpractice listening, think
(13:38):
through what you're going tosay, think through how you're
going to say it, think throughwhat you're going to do, what
are your actions going to be?
Think through all of that beforeyou do them. And the way to do
that is to just stop to pause toslow down. I think all of us can
agree that anger does not solveany problem. We all know that
(14:03):
right? It only makes thingsworse, and usually is followed
up with other feelings. So howdo you feel when you're angry?
How do you feel when you dosomething or say something that
you didn't really mean that yousaid it or did it in the moment
and you didn't actually thinkthrough it? How did that make
you feel? How did that make theother person feel? Did it make
things any better? Oftentimes,when we don't think through what
(14:24):
we say or do the other feelingthat comes with this is guilt.
And we also cause damage, right?
Do we cause damage in ourrelationships? Do we potentially
damage trust between ourrelationships? So there isn't
ever a positive outcome when weact or say things that we didn't
(14:44):
think through that we do out ofour emotion of anger. So the
first thing you can do is juststop, pause. Wait, be quick to
listen. slow to speak. be slowto become angry. Don't let the
anger take control of you. Takecontrol of the anger, we also
have to find a way to calmourselves down. Anger can creep
(15:06):
up so fast. And unless you'reaware of it, you may actually
say something or do somethingyou don't mean. So is there a
way for you to calm down? Insome cases, you might have to
step away, if it's safe to dothat I have felt these negative
feelings of anger creep upinside of me and I have had to
walk away, I've had to walkaway, take some deep breaths,
give myself a moment to thinkabout what I'm going to do next
(15:28):
to think about what I'm going tosay, and figure out how to just
navigate through the situationthat has made me angry and to
really identify again, the rootof why I'm angry. Do you have
meditation or breathingtechniques that you can turn to?
I recommend figuring out whatare the tools in your toolbox on
how to deal with anger,especially in the moment? The
(15:50):
other thing is, do you need tohit something? I have actually
felt like this before I feltthis emotion of anger that I
needed to let it out, do youneed to scream into a pillow?
You know, letting this outreally is healing. I actually
took up a kickboxing classbecause I needed to get his
emotions out. I felt likepunching the bag and hitting and
(16:12):
kicking and punching. I feltlike that was actually healing
for me. It helped me releasethis energy. It helped me
release that anger andfrustration and just get all of
those emotions out. Maybe it'snot physically hitting
something. Maybe it's notkickboxing, or boxing or
anything like that. Maybe it'sjust exercising, does running or
other types of exercise help youexercising can release that
energy also, and also help yougain dopamine in your brain as
(16:35):
you create those endorphins.
Right? When you exercise, youcreate endorphins in your brain
that help you feel better. Sodoes exercise help you get
grounded? Does it help yourelease that energy and help you
become ready to tackle what iscoming your way? What about a
morning or evening routine? Whatdo you do in the morning to help
you get ready and grounded forthe day? Or even in the evening?
What do you do in the evening tothink about your day and get
(16:57):
ready for the next day? Do youspend time by yourself? Have you
ever journaled Do you journaland get all of those feelings
out? Just brain dump everythingin your mind? Not only what
you're thinking about but howyou're feeling? praying,
meditating, focusing ongratitude, what is it that works
for you, you really need tofigure this out so that you can
get grounded in yourself, youcan get grounded in your
(17:21):
emotions, you can let all ofthose things go and turn those
things over and let them go. Sofiguring out what your routines
are, how do you spend time byyourself? How do you release
this energy, it becomes socritical so that we can become
more aware of our emotions andknow how we can handle them. a
support system do you havepeople to turn to do you have
people you can talk to andrelate to? I find that having a
(17:44):
child with autism, I relate topeople who also have children
with autism or other specialneeds. Sometimes our family may
not necessarily understand, butthey can be a great support
system. But other times you mayneed someone who can really
relate to you and understandfully what you're going through.
Do you need to talk to atherapist, there is no shame in
talking to a therapist. Having athird party help you figure out
(18:08):
your emotions and help younavigate them can be so helpful.
If you don't have someone toturn to turn to Me, DM me, I
would love to help you.
I've already helped a lot ofdifferent people work through
and navigate some of their mostchallenging times and some of
the difficult times that they'regoing through especially being a
parent with a child with specialneeds. So if you don't have
(18:29):
anyone DM me, we all need tohave a support system is your
support system, your faith. I'veleaned on my faith so much
through this journey andcontinue to do that. turning
things over letting things gopraying about them, talking
about them journaling aboutthem, there's so much that you
need to do to let all of theseemotions out and figuring out a
(18:50):
support system. Figuring outyour toolbox is so critical for
your success. And this is socritical for your family, your
loved ones, your significantother your child, it's so
important to know how tonavigate this and manage your
own emotions, especially as itrelates to anger. Now the bottom
line is you have to let thisanger out. You have to let any
(19:13):
of your emotions out you have tolet them go. Because if you
don't do this, it will festerinside of you. You will build up
resentments. And it maypotentially come out in a really
negative way. So don't sweepthem under the rug. Don't
disregard your emotions, figureout where they're rooted from
figure out ways to navigate themfigure out solutions for
yourself what your toolbox is beintentional. In some
(19:35):
generations, they do this theysweep things under the rug. I
know in a lot of oldergenerations, they don't talk
about their emotions or get themout or let them go and that is
just not healthy. You need totalk about it. You need to
release it. You need to let itout and you need to let it go.
The last thing I wanted to touchon is acceptance. Perhaps we're
angry because we just haven'tfully accepted what is going on.
(19:59):
We're holding I'm thinkingthings will change when they
aren't going to change fastenough, when they aren't
changing at all. We want to takeit out on someone, our kids, our
spouse or significant other. Andoftentimes, it's our own
inability to accept the thingsthat we cannot change that's
really making us angry. It's ourwant and desire for something we
envisioned in our lives thatdoesn't exist, we may feel sorry
(20:23):
for ourselves and haven't gottento a place where we have
accepted our child for who theyare for everything they are. And
we're stuck in our own emotionsof anger, resentment, and not
being able to let go, not beingable to fully accept. And we do
have to figure this out, we haveto figure out how to let things
go, how to let this go, we haveto make a shift to acceptance,
(20:48):
even acceptance through some ofthe most difficult times. And I
totally understand this. I'mtearing up talking about this
right now. I teared up and criedwriting this episode, because I
know how difficult things canget. But we have to move
forward, we have to move beyondthat. We have to move beyond
what we may have wanted, what wemay have hoped for what we may
(21:09):
have realized that we cannotchange, we have to progress
forward ourselves and focus onwhat we have right in front of
us. Our children may have theirown special needs. But they're
also so special in so many ways.
Don't let anger get in the wayof being able to see all of this
that's in front of you. And Iknow it's difficult. I know
(21:33):
there are times where we let ouremotions take over. And if
you've let anger take over. Andif you've let your emotions take
over you and you may have saidor done something that you feel
guilty about, you are not alone.
Just know that you are notalone. I've done those same
things. I sit here having guiltmyself. But I've had to let
(21:57):
those things go because there isnothing that that is serving me
for. It's not helping me. So Iwant you to know that you're not
alone. Figure out what iscausing your anger, work through
it to help dissolve that angerand figure out what your toolbox
is so that you can pull thosetools out when you are stuck in
(22:17):
a situation where you feel youranger coming and you need to
resolve it right then and there.
Now that's it for this episode.
If you can relate to this pleasesubscribe or follow this podcast
so that you don't miss anotherepisode and please share this
episode with someone you mayknow who needs to hear it. In DM
me as Susan Fink dot Ries, Iwould really love to hear from
you to hear in this episode orother episodes have helped you.
(22:41):
And like I said, if you needsomeone to talk to you, if you
need someone to relate to DM me,I would really love to hear from
you. And one other thing beforeI go I have partnered with
inclusion and kindness and weare trying to find people who
live the life of kindness. Ifyou would like to nominate
someone so they can receive afree giveaway. DM me at Susan
Fink dot rise to nominatesomeone who does live a life of
(23:03):
kindness.
And as you know, my mission isto help as many people as I can
and I cannot do that withoutyou. So thank you so much for
listening. Thank you for yoursupport and sharing this podcast
to help other people and untilnext time, I appreciate I
empathize and I am here for youand we can do this
Hey, everyone, and welcome to the rise with the
light podcast. My name is SusanFink and this is my weekly
podcast dedicated to supportingfamilies raising children with
special needs. I'm on a missionto provide hope and positivity
through sharing my personalinsights, stories, mindset
perspectives, and ways tonavigate through this journey.
Let's get started.
(00:46):
Hey, everyone, and thank you somuch for joining me today, I
wanted to quickly mention thatplease make sure that you
subscribe or follow this podcastso you don't miss another
episode. And if these episodesare helping you please leave a
star rating a comment or sharethis podcast so that I can help
other people too. So I reallyappreciate all of the kind words
I've received. I appreciate allof the likes, and the comments
and the sharing. And my wholemission here is just to make
(01:08):
sure that I'm helping otherpeople, I'm speaking about my
own personal experiences andhopes that this resonates with
you and that I can help you knowthat you are not alone. And that
there are so many people outthere that can help you. And I
am one of those people so that Ihope I am a light for you. I
hope that this is helping you.
And I just wanted to thank youall so much for listening. Now I
wanted to get right into thisepisode, because we have a lot
(01:30):
to cover. And I actually put outa poll on which topic to cover.
First, I have so many topics,and I wanted to make sure that I
was resonating with you that I'mrelating to what you really need
to hear. So what came out in thepoll was for me to talk about
anger. So this episode is allabout anger. So first, let me
say that you are not alone. Manyof us go through anger. And we
(01:56):
may not have had challenges withanger before we had our child or
before we found out about adiagnosis of autism or their
special needs. But here we aredealing with this crazy feeling
of anger, the emotions that arerunning through us and the
ability for anger to really takeover our being to take over our
minds take over our actions, theway that we think and basically
(02:17):
everything. And I don't knowabout you, but I have dealt with
anger through so many differentsituations. And it is something
that can really take over yourentire body. And I've
experienced that it is a reallydifficult emotion to grab ahold
of. But I wanted to ask you thisquestion. What are you so angry
about? Do you think that angeris about something your child
(02:42):
has done? Or about theirdiagnosis or maybe about a
meltdown? Or what they did ordidn't do or what they can and
can't do? Do you think that youranger is actually that? The
reason I'm asking you thatquestion is because I want to
unpack some of this. And I'vedealt with a lot of different
types of situations where I'vebeen really angry. And here are
some of those situations. SoI've been so angry about my
(03:03):
son's diagnosis, my son has beenhitting me a lot lately. And
this is a new behavior that I'mexperiencing. And I get really
angry and frustrated about it. Imean, he sometimes hits me
really hard, he is reallystrong. And he hits me and slaps
me and you know, all over theplace. And sometimes I just get
so angry, and I get reallyfrustrated about it. I'm angry
(03:23):
about my son's and ability tocommunicate, to play with other
kids to understand social normsto be able to have a
conversation I'm angry aboutwhen he has a meltdown. And I'm
angry about doing this all aloneas a single parent. And I know
we have a lot to be angry about.
But let's stop and think aboutwhy we're angry. Did you ever
(03:45):
stop and wonder if your anger isactually about something else,
and not what is in front of you.
So maybe your anger is rooted insomething else. So let's unpack
some of these things that I'mactually angry about or have
been angry about. And I want tounpack them because I want you
to see the root of where some ofthis anger has come from. It is
actually not about a certainsituation, it goes a lot deeper
(04:09):
than that. And I believe thatyou really have to find the root
of what you're angry about. Youhave to dig deeper to see and
understand what that anger isstemming from. So that you can
actually resolve that anger andyou can deal with that anger and
face it. Because if we don'tknow what we're actually angry
about, if we don't know the rootof it, how are we supposed to
(04:31):
resolve it and how do we dealwith it when it comes back up
again. So let's unpack some ofthese, the anger about the
diagnosis. When my son wasdiagnosed, I went through a lot
of different emotions many of ushave gone through and anger was
definitely one of those I was soangry about him having autism,
but what this was rooted in wasactually grieving. Anger is a
(04:53):
part of the grieving process andI was definitely grieving the
loss of one I had envisioned theloss of what I never was going
to have. And if you listen tothe previous episodes, I think
it's two episodes before thisgrieving the fantasy grieving,
something we didn't have, you'llunderstand what I'm talking
about here, I wasn't angry athim, I wasn't angry at my son
(05:14):
and his diagnosis, I was goingthrough the grieving process.
Now take my son hitting me,I don't know if your son or
daughter is physical, but whenthey hit or slap you around, or
just they do this out of maybethey're stimming, or they're
excited about something, or theyare angry about something or
whatever is going on, you know,My son was hitting me, and it's
constant. And it was rooted inme just being totally annoyed
(05:38):
about him doing this physicalaction. So I wasn't really angry
at him about his autismnecessarily, I was angry and
annoyed about this physicalaction that he was doing. And I
did have to address it, he wasalso hitting me pretty hard. And
I also know that this isprobably partly of his age of
how old he is, and the stagethat he's in in his life and not
necessarily related to autism.
(06:01):
And there is a lesson that heneeded to learn about
understanding his own string. SoI did have to calm down before
addressing it with him, I didneed to address this with him in
the moment that he was actuallyhitting me. But I also didn't
have to go into theextensiveness of talking about
what was going on right away. SoI knew that if I talked to him
(06:22):
right away in more detail, itwas going to turn into another
type of meltdown. And oftentimesthat does with him, if he feels
a lot of remorse for somethinghe does, he actually shuts down.
So I had to really address thisvery gently, even though I was
really angry and frustrated. ButI knew that my anger was really
just about the physical action.
It wasn't anything that definedmy son, it was just something
(06:45):
that he was doing. So I did haveto address it. But then later,
when we didn't have otherdistractions around us, I was
able to debrief with him laterand really get his full
attention to help him understandwhat he was doing and why he
needed to change that behavior.
But again, I wasn't upset athim, I was upset at the action
that he was doing. And then Ihad to figure out a way to
(07:07):
resolve that action, being angryabout his meltdowns. Now this
anger is rooted in my inabilityto manage my own emotions about
why he was having a meltdown. Iactually didn't know what was
causing it. And I was justangry, I was angry with myself,
I was angry with where we were,if we were in a public place, I
was angry about why he was evendoing it versus other kids that
(07:30):
were not doing these behaviors.
Perhaps I was angry about whatother people were thinking. So
this anger may have been rootedin multiple things. what other
people thought I was comparingmy son to other kids, my lack of
knowledge of knowing what to do,so I wasn't necessarily angry at
him. It was all of these otherthings that was fueling my
anger. The other thing was, Iwas not armed with the tools I
(07:51):
needed in order to help him withhis meltdown. So that also made
me even more angry. It justperpetuated itself. The whole
thing about comparing comparingis the thief of joy. You may
have heard that before. And Iactually did a video on this on
my Instagram TV videos. And Irecommend that you watch this
because it does go intocomparing why we do it and how
(08:11):
to stop it. And I admit, I wascomparing my son to other kids.
Have you ever done that too?
Have you ever sat and thought,why is my son doing this? And
why aren't other kids doingthis, or my son or daughter is
not able to do the things thatother kids are able to do? And
I'm guilty of that. And I knowit's not healthy? Is it
(08:32):
something that we actually haveto change? And the anger for me
was more about myself andfeeling like a victim? I was
thinking of this woe is memindset, why me Why us, I had to
change this really quickly toaccept what was going on.
Because I couldn't change it. Ididn't know what was going on or
how to handle it. And this wasmaking me even more angry, not
(08:55):
only was angry makingcomparisons, I was concerned
about what other people thoughtwas really at the end of the
day, who cares what other peoplethink the most important thing
is figuring out solutions foryour child, especially in these
really difficult moments. But Iwas fueling my own anger. And I
didn't know how to handle it. Ididn't know how to handle these
situations in these meltdowns.
So we need to arm ourselves withthe information, we need to
(09:16):
identify what the triggers are,we need to figure out how to
help our children through themeltdown. And even if that means
just waiting until it's done.
There have been many times whereI just sat and waited for the
meltdown to be done. And that isnot an easy thing to do. Either.
You could sit there and beangry. But there are ways to
(09:38):
handle these situations. And ifyou do have a therapy team, ask
that therapy team as the team,what are the solutions? What are
different situations anddifferent resolutions that you
can actually do when your childis going through this so that
you don't become more angry thatyou know that you have tools
available for you and you cananticipate the triggers and that
you're not comparing and reallyfeeling yourself of the joy and
(09:58):
we know these things Just don'thelp us. They don't resolve the
anger. The other things thatI've been angry about were my
sons and abilities, hisinability to communicate, to
play with other kids tounderstand social cues to have
conversations. Sometimes I'mtrying to talk to him, and he's
not even paying attention. Andhe's not attending, you know,
he's not able to stay on topicwith conversations. And I get
(10:21):
reallyfrustrated and angry about it.
But I realized my anger wasrooted in my own selfishness. I
wanted him to be able to dothese things. I wanted him to be
able to communicate and to beable to play with other kids.
This is what I wanted. Thesewere my own desires. But he
isn't wired this way. I was notfully accepting him for who he
is. Instead, I was focused onwhat I wanted. Have you been
(10:42):
there? Have you had thesethoughts, too? You know, the
other thing is, I've been angryabout going through this alone,
I'm a single parent, this hasnot been easy. This is not an
easy journey, even when you havea significant other, let alone
going through it alone. So it'sdifficult. And it's hard not to
have someone by our side to helpand with this, not only this
dynamic, but also just everydaylife. So I found myself getting
(11:04):
angry at that. And that angerhas fueled other things that
I've thought I was angry about.
And I've since been able to letit go and focus on my purpose
and focus on my son, obviously,but it wasn't always easy. So
the bottom line is our anger maynot be obvious, it may be rooted
in something else. So you haveto dig deeper into identifying
what you're really angry about.
Dig beyond the surface, digbeyond what you think is
(11:27):
obvious. Dig beyond what youthink is in front of you that's
making you angry, because Iguarantee you, it may not be
actually that situation, it maynot be what's currently
happening, there may besomething deeper in you that
needs to be resolved. So reallyidentifying that as the first
step, and then you can work toresolve it. So speaking of
resolving anger, what can you dowhen you feel that anger arising
(11:50):
inside of you? Do you take itout on other people? Do you take
it out on your child, I say,don't do that, try not to take
your anger out on other people,you have to really look within
to identify what is making youangry, like I just said, there
are also things that you can doin the moment. I know things
happen in the moment, and thingscan move really quickly. And I
(12:11):
experienced that with my son alot. There's some things that
happen. And I just I can feelthat anger just boiling inside
of me, I can feel this negativeemotion just rising up inside of
me, there are things that we cando, we have to build our toolbox
of things that we can do to helpus resolve this anger and to
also resolve it in the moment.
(12:34):
Now this takes intention, ittakes practice, you have to be
so aware of your emotions. Andsome of us aren't aware of our
emotions. Sometimes we actwithout even thinking or we say
things without even thinking.
And that's why this takes somuch intention and so much
practice. So the first thing Iwould say to do is when you feel
this feeling coming up inside ofyou to stop to pause before you
(12:55):
do anything. I am a Christian.
And you may have heard thisbefore. And by no means am I
trying to push any religion onyou. but hear me out on this.
It's from the book of James 119.
And it says everyone should bequick to listen slow to speak
and slow to become angry. Andthere's a lot of other scripture
(13:15):
before it and after it. But thisstatement, everyone should be
quick to listen, slow to speakand slow to become angry is
something that really resonateswith me, even if you're not a
Christian, right? Even if youare not religious at all, this
statement is so important. Andwhat it basically is saying is
to just stop, practice stoppingpractice listening, think
(13:38):
through what you're going tosay, think through how you're
going to say it, think throughwhat you're going to do, what
are your actions going to be?
Think through all of that beforeyou do them. And the way to do
that is to just stop to pause toslow down. I think all of us can
agree that anger does not solveany problem. We all know that
(14:03):
right? It only makes thingsworse, and usually is followed
up with other feelings. So howdo you feel when you're angry?
How do you feel when you dosomething or say something that
you didn't really mean that yousaid it or did it in the moment
and you didn't actually thinkthrough it? How did that make
you feel? How did that make theother person feel? Did it make
things any better? Oftentimes,when we don't think through what
(14:24):
we say or do the other feelingthat comes with this is guilt.
And we also cause damage, right?
Do we cause damage in ourrelationships? Do we potentially
damage trust between ourrelationships? So there isn't
ever a positive outcome when weact or say things that we didn't
(14:44):
think through that we do out ofour emotion of anger. So the
first thing you can do is juststop, pause. Wait, be quick to
listen. slow to speak. be slowto become angry. Don't let the
anger take control of you. Takecontrol of the anger, we also
have to find a way to calmourselves down. Anger can creep
(15:06):
up so fast. And unless you'reaware of it, you may actually
say something or do somethingyou don't mean. So is there a
way for you to calm down? Insome cases, you might have to
step away, if it's safe to dothat I have felt these negative
feelings of anger creep upinside of me and I have had to
walk away, I've had to walkaway, take some deep breaths,
give myself a moment to thinkabout what I'm going to do next
(15:28):
to think about what I'm going tosay, and figure out how to just
navigate through the situationthat has made me angry and to
really identify again, the rootof why I'm angry. Do you have
meditation or breathingtechniques that you can turn to?
I recommend figuring out whatare the tools in your toolbox on
how to deal with anger,especially in the moment? The
(15:50):
other thing is, do you need tohit something? I have actually
felt like this before I feltthis emotion of anger that I
needed to let it out, do youneed to scream into a pillow?
You know, letting this outreally is healing. I actually
took up a kickboxing classbecause I needed to get his
emotions out. I felt likepunching the bag and hitting and
(16:12):
kicking and punching. I feltlike that was actually healing
for me. It helped me releasethis energy. It helped me
release that anger andfrustration and just get all of
those emotions out. Maybe it'snot physically hitting
something. Maybe it's notkickboxing, or boxing or
anything like that. Maybe it'sjust exercising, does running or
other types of exercise help youexercising can release that
energy also, and also help yougain dopamine in your brain as
(16:35):
you create those endorphins.
Right? When you exercise, youcreate endorphins in your brain
that help you feel better. Sodoes exercise help you get
grounded? Does it help yourelease that energy and help you
become ready to tackle what iscoming your way? What about a
morning or evening routine? Whatdo you do in the morning to help
you get ready and grounded forthe day? Or even in the evening?
What do you do in the evening tothink about your day and get
(16:57):
ready for the next day? Do youspend time by yourself? Have you
ever journaled Do you journaland get all of those feelings
out? Just brain dump everythingin your mind? Not only what
you're thinking about but howyou're feeling? praying,
meditating, focusing ongratitude, what is it that works
for you, you really need tofigure this out so that you can
get grounded in yourself, youcan get grounded in your
(17:21):
emotions, you can let all ofthose things go and turn those
things over and let them go. Sofiguring out what your routines
are, how do you spend time byyourself? How do you release
this energy, it becomes socritical so that we can become
more aware of our emotions andknow how we can handle them. a
support system do you havepeople to turn to do you have
people you can talk to andrelate to? I find that having a
(17:44):
child with autism, I relate topeople who also have children
with autism or other specialneeds. Sometimes our family may
not necessarily understand, butthey can be a great support
system. But other times you mayneed someone who can really
relate to you and understandfully what you're going through.
Do you need to talk to atherapist, there is no shame in
talking to a therapist. Having athird party help you figure out
(18:08):
your emotions and help younavigate them can be so helpful.
If you don't have someone toturn to turn to Me, DM me, I
would love to help you.
I've already helped a lot ofdifferent people work through
and navigate some of their mostchallenging times and some of
the difficult times that they'regoing through especially being a
parent with a child with specialneeds. So if you don't have
(18:29):
anyone DM me, we all need tohave a support system is your
support system, your faith. I'veleaned on my faith so much
through this journey andcontinue to do that. turning
things over letting things gopraying about them, talking
about them journaling aboutthem, there's so much that you
need to do to let all of theseemotions out and figuring out a
(18:50):
support system. Figuring outyour toolbox is so critical for
your success. And this is socritical for your family, your
loved ones, your significantother your child, it's so
important to know how tonavigate this and manage your
own emotions, especially as itrelates to anger. Now the bottom
line is you have to let thisanger out. You have to let any
(19:13):
of your emotions out you have tolet them go. Because if you
don't do this, it will festerinside of you. You will build up
resentments. And it maypotentially come out in a really
negative way. So don't sweepthem under the rug. Don't
disregard your emotions, figureout where they're rooted from
figure out ways to navigate themfigure out solutions for
yourself what your toolbox is beintentional. In some
(19:35):
generations, they do this theysweep things under the rug. I
know in a lot of oldergenerations, they don't talk
about their emotions or get themout or let them go and that is
just not healthy. You need totalk about it. You need to
release it. You need to let itout and you need to let it go.
The last thing I wanted to touchon is acceptance. Perhaps we're
angry because we just haven'tfully accepted what is going on.
(19:59):
We're holding I'm thinkingthings will change when they
aren't going to change fastenough, when they aren't
changing at all. We want to takeit out on someone, our kids, our
spouse or significant other. Andoftentimes, it's our own
inability to accept the thingsthat we cannot change that's
really making us angry. It's ourwant and desire for something we
envisioned in our lives thatdoesn't exist, we may feel sorry
(20:23):
for ourselves and haven't gottento a place where we have
accepted our child for who theyare for everything they are. And
we're stuck in our own emotionsof anger, resentment, and not
being able to let go, not beingable to fully accept. And we do
have to figure this out, we haveto figure out how to let things
go, how to let this go, we haveto make a shift to acceptance,
(20:48):
even acceptance through some ofthe most difficult times. And I
totally understand this. I'mtearing up talking about this
right now. I teared up and criedwriting this episode, because I
know how difficult things canget. But we have to move
forward, we have to move beyondthat. We have to move beyond
what we may have wanted, what wemay have hoped for what we may
(21:09):
have realized that we cannotchange, we have to progress
forward ourselves and focus onwhat we have right in front of
us. Our children may have theirown special needs. But they're
also so special in so many ways.
Don't let anger get in the wayof being able to see all of this
that's in front of you. And Iknow it's difficult. I know
(21:33):
there are times where we let ouremotions take over. And if
you've let anger take over. Andif you've let your emotions take
over you and you may have saidor done something that you feel
guilty about, you are not alone.
Just know that you are notalone. I've done those same
things. I sit here having guiltmyself. But I've had to let
(21:57):
those things go because there isnothing that that is serving me
for. It's not helping me. So Iwant you to know that you're not
alone. Figure out what iscausing your anger, work through
it to help dissolve that angerand figure out what your toolbox
is so that you can pull thosetools out when you are stuck in
(22:17):
a situation where you feel youranger coming and you need to
resolve it right then and there.
Now that's it for this episode.
If you can relate to this pleasesubscribe or follow this podcast
so that you don't miss anotherepisode and please share this
episode with someone you mayknow who needs to hear it. In DM
me as Susan Fink dot Ries, Iwould really love to hear from
you to hear in this episode orother episodes have helped you.
(22:41):
And like I said, if you needsomeone to talk to you, if you
need someone to relate to DM me,I would really love to hear from
you. And one other thing beforeI go I have partnered with
inclusion and kindness and weare trying to find people who
live the life of kindness. Ifyou would like to nominate
someone so they can receive afree giveaway. DM me at Susan
Fink dot rise to nominatesomeone who does live a life of
(23:03):
kindness.
And as you know, my mission isto help as many people as I can
and I cannot do that withoutyou. So thank you so much for
listening. Thank you for yoursupport and sharing this podcast
to help other people and untilnext time, I appreciate I
empathize and I am here for youand we can do this
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