Rock-n-Roll Autopsy

The boys awkwardly dodge lyrical landmines, get lost in problematic folk-blues lineage, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Ram Jam’s 1977 foot-stomping barnburner, “Black Betty.” News items and digressions include Stevie Rachelle finally pulling the plug on the Metal Sludge Gossip Board and what that means for the lost art of digital trash talk.

The boys stumble out of the blocks, sprint through ironic 90’s detachment, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Cake’s 1996 endurance anthem, “The Distance.” News items and digressions include a heated debate over Ozzy-era supremacy: Paranoid vs No More Tears.

The boys flip through sticky magazines, discover their high school crush posing for glossy smut, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of J. Geils Band’s 1981 hit, “Centerfold.” News items and digressions include Vince Neil’s stroke and Mötley Crüe’s backing track bickering.

The boys trade cowbells for coat hangers, laugh through campy piano melodrama, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Blue Öyster Cult’s soap-operatic scare piece, “Joan Crawford.” News items and digressions include Sebastian Bach berating a fan for wanting a hug and the dangers of stage-side clinginess.

The boys swap authority for ax lessons, awkwardly air-shred through heartland hokum, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of John Cougar Mellencamp’s 1983 instructional anthem, “Play Guitar.” News items and digressions include a Korn concert cautionary tale, public indecency in the pit, and why some fans should never go hands-free.

The boys chug cheap beer in Babalouie’s, get drunk on sleazy psychobilly surf riffs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The Cramps’ raunchy rockabilly riot, “Let’s Get Fucked Up.” News items and digressions include Sammy Hagar’s paranormal tequila visions and David Lee Roth’s ghost-shaming stand-up routine.

The boys struggle with the logistics of headbanging in a papal robe, hum along to hymns of heresy, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Ghost’s incense-scented singalong, “Ritual.” News items and digressions include Megadeth’s impending retirement and Dave Mustaine’s complicated legacy.

The boys chug through impossible time signatures, nearly dislocate a hip trying to headbang in 13/16, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Meshuggah’s 2008 polyrhythmic endurance test, “Bleed.” News items and digressions include Yondr bags, Ghost, Tool, Iron Maiden, and whether locking up your phone is the new mosh pit etiquette.

The boys peel off their filthy lab coats, put down their timeworn scalpels, and take a break from their usual autopsy table shenanigans to review Paul Stanley’s ‘78 solo album. It’s episode four of a four-part deep-dive into KISS’ unprecedented simultaneous solo releases.

The boys trip through sugarless enlightenment, cut calories with Canadian harmonies, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The Guess Who’s oddly nutritious FM staple, “No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature.” News items and digressions include copious cups of black coffee and Ozzy-inspired burritos.

The boys (minus one) snort ants off the sidewalk of time, mumble incoherently through a haze of historic heavy metal, and pay tribute to the immortal, occasionally intelligible, prince of prime-time darkness—Ozzy Osbourne.

The boys order up a side of toxic masculinity with a dusting of 70s orchestral schmaltz, wonder if Neil Young just needed a Roomba, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of his domestically challenged ballad, “A Man Needs a Maid.” News items and digressions include Jane’s Addiction lawsuits and multitasking Moms.

The boys call out Nuno’s Bumblebee cheat code, offer improvement options for boxed meal preparation, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Annihilator’s ode to the poor man’s cheap and cheesy staple, “Kraf Dinner.” News items and digressions include Black Sabbath’s Back to the Beginning and Joey Chestnut.

The boys pay a sleazy tribute to local heroes, offer child care solutions to overburdened mothers, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Midnight’s homage to the Rubber City Rebels, “Child Eaters.” News items and digressions include AI rock bands and corned beef hash.

The boys peel off their filthy lab coats, put down their timeworn scalpels, and take a break from their usual autopsy table shenanigans to review Ace Frehley’s surprising ‘78 solo album. It’s episode three of a four-part deep-dive into KISS’ unprecedented simultaneous solo releases.

The boys eschew emo branding, write epic anthems obsessed on death, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of My Chemical Romance’s theatrical masterwork, “Welcome to the Black Parade.” News items and digressions include the meaning of life, the afterlife, and the genius of Brian Wilson”

The boys sell toys at the cineplex, write overly earnest anthems for 80s audiences, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Stan Bush’s cult classic, “The Touch.” News items and digressions include Nick Jonas, KISS, and the extinction of “guy movies.”

The boys display atonal virtuosity, dominate MTV with a charismatic allegory, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Living Colour’s debut hit, “Cult of Personality.” News items and digressions include Bill Murray and the pitfalls of peaking early.

The boys bust out their leather pants, play rhyming games with boomer names, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Paul Simon’s solo hit, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” News items and digressions include Hitler, Shelley Duval, and camel toe.