Rock-n-Roll Autopsy

The boys (minus one) snort ants off the sidewalk of time, mumble incoherently through a haze of historic heavy metal, and pay tribute to the immortal, occasionally intelligible, prince of prime-time darkness—Ozzy Osbourne.

The boys order up a side of toxic masculinity with a dusting of 70s orchestral schmaltz, wonder if Neil Young just needed a Roomba, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of his domestically challenged ballad, “A Man Needs a Maid.” News items and digressions include Jane’s Addiction lawsuits and multitasking Moms.

The boys call out Nuno’s Bumblebee cheat code, offer improvement options for boxed meal preparation, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Annihilator’s ode to the poor man’s cheap and cheesy staple, “Kraf Dinner.” News items and digressions include Black Sabbath’s Back to the Beginning and Joey Chestnut.

The boys pay a sleazy tribute to local heroes, offer child care solutions to overburdened mothers, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Midnight’s homage to the Rubber City Rebels, “Child Eaters.” News items and digressions include AI rock bands and corned beef hash.

The boys peel off their filthy lab coats, put down their timeworn scalpels, and take a break from their usual autopsy table shenanigans to review Ace Frehley’s surprising ‘78 solo album. It’s episode three of a four-part deep-dive into KISS’ unprecedented simultaneous solo releases.

The boys eschew emo branding, write epic anthems obsessed on death, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of My Chemical Romance’s theatrical masterwork, “Welcome to the Black Parade.” News items and digressions include the meaning of life, the afterlife, and the genius of Brian Wilson”

The boys sell toys at the cineplex, write overly earnest anthems for 80s audiences, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Stan Bush’s cult classic, “The Touch.” News items and digressions include Nick Jonas, KISS, and the extinction of “guy movies.”

The boys display atonal virtuosity, dominate MTV with a charismatic allegory, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Living Colour’s debut hit, “Cult of Personality.” News items and digressions include Bill Murray and the pitfalls of peaking early.

The boys bust out their leather pants, play rhyming games with boomer names, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Paul Simon’s solo hit, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” News items and digressions include Hitler, Shelley Duval, and camel toe.

With scalpel in hand, our fearless host attempts to re-engage in rock n’ roll reanimation, reassess two critically maligned Megadeth albums — “Risk” and “Super Collider” — and reconfigure the remaining pieces into one cohesive kick-ass slab of alt-radio rock era Megadeth.

The boys peel off their filthy lab coats, put down their timeworn scalpels, and take a break from their usual autopsy table shenanigans to review Gene Simmons’ dubious ‘78 solo album. It’s episode two of a four-part deep-dive into KISS’ unprecedented simultaneous solo releases.

The boys take up journaling on the john, maintain a long list of hostile grievances, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of L7’s punky proclamation, “Shitlist.” News items and digressions include Frankenstrat fan service and documenting dookie.

The boys wear puffy shirts with commanding confidence, develop superhuman chops with Paganini pomposity, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Yngwie Malmsteen’s neoclassical shredfest, “Far Beyond the Sun.” News items and digressions include scalloped potatoes and Metallica’s deluxe Load box set.

The boys revisit a regrettable return, quote Sling Blade when a coherent response can’t be made, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of their own first episode, “Love Gun.” News items and digressions include long distance t-shirt delivery and self-deprecating reevaluation.

The boys marry many boomer icons, are surprised to learn the one-winged dove is really white, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Stevie Nicks’s solo hit, “Edge of Seventeen.” News items and digressions include Alex Lifeson’s Envy of None, the Zapruder film, and food poisoning.

The boys peel off their filthy lab coats, put down their timeworn scalpels, and take a break from their usual autopsy table shenanigans to review Peter Criss’ infamous ‘78 solo album. It’s episode one of a four-part deep-dive into KISS’ unprecedented simultaneous solo releases.

The boys throw a coke-fueled tantrum with Gucci accessories, create prescient late century sci-fi soundscapes, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Radiohead’s art-rock masterpiece, “Paranoid Android.” News items and digressions include a Sex Pistols tour and modern day melancholy.

The boys predictably back out of rock retirement, make a run to the border to avoid draft orders, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s escapist hit, “Up Around the Bend.” News items and digressions include childhood bowl cuts and swampy nether regions.

The boys polish their played-out playlists and suffer through hours of monotonous mediocrity as an act of musical martyrdom with Mark from the podcast, “Songs That Don’t Suck.”