July 10, 2025 • 54 mins
Taking antibiotics saved my life -- then nearly killed me. Health and wellness are complicated, let's get some clarity.BOOK A SESSION: https://www.calendly.com/roguewaysROGUE SITE: http://rogueways.orgSUBSTACK: https://www.rogueways.substack.comROGUE ON GNOSTIC: https://gnostictv.com/programs/lindsey-scharmyn?via=lindseyROGUE MUSIC: https://unknownzenkeeper.bandcamp.comLINKTREE: https://linktr.ee/LindseyScharmynEXCLUSIVE PODCASTS: https://apple.co/3z4ogsyDONATE CASH: https://www.paypal.me/roguewaysDONATE CRYPTO VIA COINBASE: ApotropaicSpirit.cb.idDONATE BITCOIN: bc1q7xq3323hlcq4f4k4w66evc9jpln4hce4xyj2rwMusical and artistic genius of Rogue Ways: https://linktr.ee/johnnylarson
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
Groom, grim and screens.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
It's a plot to drop the high cute, fighting the
mont each other, the rumors that don't like you. Macrob
has cropped and Melancholi with the wood Banza Hollies adjusts
out of clicker rates of camel Platza Folly, that's up
the metal, dob reach execute, It's up, Rely hypocricy. It
is back to ree and back to top of put
the hands up to touch the acasta because you know,
deep down is something bigger than your wallet.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Sweet eternal balance fall. That is good, true, and beautiful friends,
Welcome back to Rogue Ways, a very special episode of Ways.
I don't think I've done an episode for over a week,
just not like me, and that is because I've been
quite ill for a week or so and nearly deadly ill,
(01:02):
and so I wanted to come and at least do
a short show, which it'll be funny if it's not,
because that's also often what I do is and I'm like,
it'll be a short show today, and then it's like
two hours long. But I'm not feeling super great still,
so it probably actually will be short. But I just
wanted to come and at least say hello, to people,
(01:23):
so you know, I'm alive. I made it through yet
another trip into hell, as one of my friends called it,
and I'm here, and I'm glad to be here, very
very grateful to be here. I've like I've been nearly dying,
I feel like for a long time. And I say that,
(01:44):
and I think people think I'm just saying it, but
actually definitely been true over the past at least five years,
if not seven or longer that I've been you know,
downhill sliding, crashing sometimes really deeply into the abyss of illness,
and with very very little clarity or support about what's
happening or what to do about it, which is more
(02:06):
and more of the case unfortunately for so many of
us out here. We have all kinds of toxins just
assaulting us from birth until death, and they get more
and more common and frequent and intense as we go
as well. So not only have we likely accumulated so
(02:27):
much over the years, but the types and the severity
and the frequency of the toxins is increasing as we
move further and further into the modern world. It's something
I talk about a lot because of all of my
health struggles, and you've probably read about it. If you're
on my substack rogueways dot subseac dot com, if you
are subscribed for free or paid, then you already heard
(02:50):
this story because I actually got a burst of steroid
energy yesterday morning, and I was so amped up that
I like sacked down and wrote the whole thing out,
and right after that I collapsed again. I went back
to sleep. I slipt the rest of the day. But
it was a really interesting little burst of energy. And
so you already heard the story of what happened. And
(03:11):
you've also already heard me talk so many times on substack,
on this show about healing, about what's making us sick,
you know. And while I have specific diagnoses like hashimotos
and I have lifelong autoimmune conditions, and I have all
kinds of other stuff that isn't even related to toxins,
like my really severe scoliosis, and I've metal rods along
(03:36):
both sides of my spine. I have chronic pain my
whole life from that. I have anky low spondye, lolysis
or some things that no one can pronounce, and just pain, pain, pain,
all sorts of stuff. So you've heard me talk about
all the things we can do for healing, for supporting
ourselves in this world of toxins, for clearing stuff out,
(03:56):
on and on and on, and you know, to summarize
it really quick, I'll tell you it's almost every toxin
you can name in Earth causes estrogen, causes heavy metal
toxicity build up and causes parasite overload, all of them,
from EMFs to know the heavy metals themselves, to all
(04:17):
of the stuff in various medications we're given. All the
stuff in our water, all the stuff in our air,
all the stuff they spray on our crops. All that
stuff causes estrogen overload. It causes heavy metal toxicity below
it causes liver damage. You know, So all of these
things we start seeing like you, my autoimmune, my hashimotives.
It's actually a liver problem. You can call it whatever
you want, but what I really is is that my
(04:38):
liver's been damaged over a lifetime of really intense toxicity,
and by the way, yours has two. I'm not saying
that to curse you. I'm saying that to help you
become aware that the primary thing you can do for
your health is support your liver. As you support your liver,
it reduces the estrogen in your body. It's able to
process it and get rid of it. I'm not talking
(04:59):
to women. Talking to men and have too much estrogen too. No,
you can't test for it. I mean you can, but
you're not going to find those tests. Good luck finding
those tests. You can get the most natural, holistic, crunchy
motherfucker in the world. They're not going to know how
to do the test. You have to be biop seed
in order to actually test how much estrogen overload you have,
(05:22):
because it's lodges in your tissues. It's not in your pee,
it's not your blood. You might have an overabundance of
estrogen in those places and that would be something, but
you might have an over abundance of estrogen in your
whole body. And they'll test your pea or your blood
or anything else and be like, yeah, I know you're fine,
You're in the normal range. Okay, we'll test your tissue
and see how much is lodged up in there. So yes,
(05:44):
all of you, we all have too much estrogen. And
the number one thing you can do is support your liver.
You have too much heavy metals. The number one thing
you can do is support your liver. You've got any
sort of issues, and the number one thing you can
do is support your liver. You've got cancer, support your liver,
you've got nerve damage, support your liver. And there's all
sorts of other things you can hone in on, and
there's millions of things, and I'm always bringing you more
(06:04):
and more of them. I've got another one, actually, I'm
so excited to test out and use and then report
back to you on. It's something that actually seems to
be like it might be a food based, actual superfood.
I'll give you a hint. It's oysters. And yes, I've
actually talked about that before. I actually didn't know how
perfect they were though, So we'll do that in another
(06:27):
show and another sub stack. Again. You should be subscribed
to my subsack roguways dot subsack dot com. You would
have already heard this story, you'd already know all of
these things, and also it's the best way to support me,
and man, I need your support right now. So thank
you to those of you who have been donating. The
donat buttons are below you. Wherever you're watching or listening
(06:48):
to this, there's one on my site at Roaguways dot org.
If you go to the shop, there's actually a donation option.
It's in multiples of ten dollars. So if you only
got ten bucks, awesome. If you got more than that,
you've been listening for a long time, you've been wanting
to do something, do multiples. Very grateful for all of
your support during this time. It's not just that I
can't work during the time I'm sick. It's also that
(07:11):
it's expensive to be sick to buy all the things
you need to be healthy, and so I just really
appreciate the support. It also just feels good right to
hear your guys' comments. You guys have been messaging me,
You've been leaving notes and stuff here there and saying
hello and sending your love, and it matters. It matters
a lot. I really really appreciate it all. So thank
(07:32):
you so much to those of you who are sending
your love in whatever ways before now or now that
you're hearing this, or in the future or when you
hear this, or any time I receive it. I take it.
I'm grateful for it. I just in the midst of
feeling I mean, there was a couple times in the
past week where I was literally begging God to kill me.
And that's how. And I again have a pretty retardedly
(07:57):
high tolerance for pains. It's not okay actually, Like I
have this huge tattoo down my whole entire back and
I was sleeping during most of that tattoo. I've a
very high tolerance for pain, as I've had a life
of really intense physical pain, and so you learn to
dissociate from it and breathe through it and deal with
(08:18):
it and oh, you know, or you get on like
heroin and OPI it's your whole life and then you're
that's a totally different path. So a lot of pain,
and I was just begging to die, but there's other
times where I just thought I was going to die
and was begging to live. So it's kind of funny
how quickly that can change, right, I was dead serious
both times. I meant it both both times, both extremes,
(08:41):
I was in very very much meant it. So I'll
just tell you what happened. Happy full moon. Also, by
the way, it's a full moon today and true sidereal Sagittarius,
my sign, which is great for me. We'll maybe touch
on that later if I have energy but here's what happened.
So if you know, again, I get flare ups sometimes
(09:01):
I have, especially hormonally because of estrogen, not just because
I'm a woman, but because I'm a person in the
modern era, and all of us have estrogen issues, but
especially me because I have thyroid disorder, liver disorder, and
toxicity issues. Therefore, any time I have another upwelling we'll say,
(09:21):
of estrogen in my system, I can have like complete
breakdowns and meltdowns. So because I still have a cycle,
especially right at the beginning of menstruation and at the end,
you have these surges of hormones, and those can be
really critical times for me. So I take really good
care of myself around those times, especially sort of baby
myself through it. But I wasn't able to take as
(09:42):
good a care of myself this time because right before
this I had gone to the dentist. Again. You may
remember back in November, I had tooth extraction. I had
an upper jaw infection. I did not have tooth infection.
I had an upper jaw and affection which then affected
(10:02):
my tooth. So I know that that is confusing for
some people. Most people have a tooth infection that they
allowed to go too far, and it starts obsessing and whatever,
and eventually it gets into their jaw. Mine was the
other way around. My jaw was infected and it was
beginning to move into my tooth, so they removed the
tooth and the extraction was difficult for me for very
(10:24):
many reasons, and afterwards they gave me a prescription for anabiotics.
I don't normally take antibiotics. I never have, maybe when
I was a child and I didn't know better, and
they handed us antibotics if we ever went to the doctor,
which was rare because we were very poor. If it happened,
then I did. But I really did it most of
(10:45):
my life, and I definitely didn't ever since I was
at least eighteen, right so about the year two thousands,
with twenty five years, no antibiotics, No antibotics, because I
know my mom's a nurse, my sister's a nurse. We
know the danger of over prescribing them. I understand the
difference between a bacterial infection or whatever it is we
call viral infections, right, I understand the antibiotics only work
(11:09):
for bacterial infections, and therefore, if you don't have one,
you shouldn't take them, and I don't think I've ever
had a bacterial infection. I don't think most people have
ever had a bacterial infection, except maybe in their teeth actually, ironically,
so I don't. So I get prescribed them all the
time for like a headache, for a cold, for like
a sinus infection, for things that are not not bacterial infections,
(11:32):
and I just don't fill them and don't take them
because there's no point and I've never needed to, so
it's been fine. So this time I was going to
do the same and pretty bad John infection again. Remember
the whole thing is I got a jown infection, which
can kill you, but I just didn't really know that,
and I just didn't really understand it. I didn't hurt that bad.
(11:53):
It really wasn't even a big problem in my mind.
The look on my dentist's face could have told me
that this was very serious, and I could have looked
it up and seen, but I just had this habit
of like not really carrying about antibotics, and so I
was like, yeah, my body'll handle it, right, the problem
is gone. The problem wasn't gone though, it was in
my John, not my tooth. So anyways, I get this
prescription and I don't feel it. I go to sleep.
(12:15):
I have a dream in which my dead grandmother God
rest her, and my dead cousin both come to me
and explain to me that if I don't take at
least I believe they said three to four days, it
might have been four to five or something, at least
four days, will say of antibiotics, I will die. And
(12:36):
ideally I'll take minimum seven days to be actually in
the clear. But if I want to be truly safe,
I should take all ten days of this antibotic. I
woke up and I was like, well, I guess I
should take the antibiotics, because that's pretty clear, pretty clear
message message received. Thank you my grandmother, thank you my cousin.
(12:56):
Go fill it, take all the take all the drugs.
Horrible antabotics. There's called clintamycin, if you don't know, and
it rips your guts apart. And so I have taken
antibotics before, like I said, and I understand they like
mess up your gut and you lose all your air
good bacteria and you're just out of balance and it
can take months to get back on track. And your
your immune system can be affected and all these things,
(13:18):
so I know that, but this was like brutal. I
was like waking up in the middle of the night
with dreams of animals ripping my guts apart because that's
how bad my stomach hurt. And it was like getting
into the dream really bad pain, you know, really feeling
like shit. I also realized that part of this was
that I was fighting off a lethal infection in my
face near my brain, which right, and I just hadn't
(13:41):
realized like how suppressed my system was from that too.
So the combination of these antibotics and this infection threw
me down. So you may remember I was out for
like twenty days, I believe. I think I still did
some shows, but I was like pretty hit or miss
most days for almost a month, often in bed, often
not being able to even exercise or do sort of
(14:01):
my normal thing. So pretty bad. But I didn't die
from a jaw infection and I didn't drop for a
die from a jaw infection because my grandma told me
to take the medication and I did and it worked
and it healed the infection that was right next to
my brain. So good, problem solved. Moving on youah, feeling
(14:22):
better whatever. I actually yeah, and that for some reason
I ended up taking twenty days of the antibotics back then,
and I honestly can't remember why. I don't know. I'm
sure it seemed absolutely necessary. I wouldn't have done it
right months go by. That was what seven months ago.
Eight months ago, I just had the titanium rod for
the implant, so they removed the tooth and now I'm
(14:45):
getting this titanium rod. And this is my second implant
in my life. The other one was much easier and
cheaper because I did it in Turkey and Ecuador. This
one's much more expensive, lengthy, and my time consuming and
many more steps and I'm much more careful. That's the truth.
But I don't know if it's better or not, but
(15:06):
it is lots more money and much more strenuous and
time time staking time, time, time staking, time keeping. God see,
I shouldn't even be talking to you guys. Takes a
lot of time. So anyways, getting the second implant in
this space where the tooth is taken out, they get
and they just prescribe some antibiotics, and I, for the
(15:30):
first time in my entire life, did it even think
of not taking them, like it had gotten into my
brain so deeply this previous time that I really did
almost die that I was like, Oh, you take anabiotics
or you die. And I don't actually believe that. And
if you would ask me, and I consciously had to
(15:50):
answer you, I would have said, no, of course, you
don't always have to, but sometimes you do, right, Sometimes
you actually have a bacterial infection that's right next to
your brain and you need to kill it before it
kills you, right, And but I didn't consciously think of it.
I just filled the prescription and took them. It blows
my mind. I still am not really sure like what
(16:12):
happened or how I did that. I really can't stress
to you enough that I don't get why I made
that decision. It just feels very unconscious. And that's not
like me at all, very intentional, very thoughtful, like don't
put anything in my body that isn't anyway. So I'm
not really sure. Apparently this just had to happen, and
so I was just in some sort of autopilot drone
(16:32):
situation and I just took these again. Clinton Micin Clinton
Icen is one of the most brutal antibiotics you can take,
as I explained with the gut ripping, but this time
it didn't even hurt my guts at all, which was
really weird. I was like, Okay, cool. I guess like
the first time sucks, and after that it's fine. And
I was like, you know, I'm always bummed when I
take antabotics. I'm like just thinking about all the work
(16:53):
I'm gonna have to do to repair my guts afterwards,
and how bad blah blah. But I go through ten
days of clindamizing. I don't have an infection. Remember, I
just placed a metal rod into my jaw. That's all
very tiny, not even an incision really. They just poke
up through the gum. Sorry if this is too much
for you, and just drill it into the bone or
(17:15):
the bone hurts a bit afterwards, but like, there's no
problem with this, there's no nothing's you know, it's not
a huge wood. Your mouth is used to bacteria. But
I just took the antibiotsis ten days of clintonmiz and
because they were prescribed, because the last time I took
them they saved my life, and because I was in
some sort of autopilot not even questioning whether I needed
them or not. Right, I turned the part of me
(17:36):
off that didn't want to take antibotics in order to
take them the previous time. So I took them, and
on the tenth day, obviously I was done taking them.
And then that was the beginning of my cycle. So then,
probably in large part because my gut was destroyed and
my body was battling this horrifying antibiotic, I had my
(18:00):
normal hormonespike, but I went into a horrifying migraine. If
you've had migraines before, and you've had this is how
I describe it. If you know the four stages of
a migraine, then you understand migraines. And if you don't,
you might have had a pretty bad migraine, but you
might not understand migraines fully. And if you know those
four stages, then I understand you and you understand me,
(18:22):
and we both have wished to die before. That's what
I know for sure, because it is the most excruciating,
intense pain possible. I've had, again a lifetime of pain.
This is the worst pain I've ever had is migraines,
so really intense pain. There's nothing you can do to
stop it, and it usually hits at night, and so
I'm sitting in bed. I don't even know. I can't
(18:46):
even tell you what you do or don't do during
a migraine. But what's really fucked up is then I
had the worst cramps almost of my whole life. I've
talked to you guys before that. I had an abortion
when I was two twenty three or so, and the
period after that was brutal. Abortions don't really hurt. They
(19:09):
give you painkillers. The period after they don't warn you
is like, hell, it feels like people are just ripping
apart your uterus. Cramps are always not comfortable. They're always painful.
That's why we call them cramps, and we have like
medication for them and whatnot. But even when I have cramps,
sometimes you're like, yeah, that hurts, So I like, I
don't really need to take anything for it, Like I
(19:32):
might put a hot pat on, I might be upset
for a day. It might not be fun, but it's like, yeah,
it happens, right, it hurts, you just live with it
and move on. This was excruciating. And this was excruciating
on top of excruciating, So I was in a full
blow of migraine, full pain from that, and then I
had the worst cramps ever at the same time. So
(19:54):
I was begging to die. I have some shock that
I didn't find a way to die. It was horrible.
I wouldn't wish it on anybody. And so I was like,
this is the antibiotics. This is like what they did
to me, and like this is so horrible. And then
I was sort of like why did I even take those?
(20:15):
And I was sort of hitting me, but I was
also like, I don't know whatever. At some point I
was vomiting at some point. Who's horrible. I mean when
you literally when you're having a migraine, as far as
I understand, you just vomit because your body doesn't know
what else to do. It's like terrified. Then like nothing
ever relents. It never stops or gets better, and it's
many hours often and so it just like vomits to
(20:39):
see if that will help. Like I'm not joking. So
it's funny to look back on that and think about that,
but it's not funny in the moment. Wanted to die
still like though this is like somewhat normal. Unfortunately, this
is still somewhat normal. And I'm like, yeah, you know,
I was starting my period right now. Did just finish
(21:00):
this big course of horrifying antibiotics. My body's probably just overreacting.
I have this autoimmune like la la la la la,
somewhat normal. At some point, this goes on for like
a day and a half. I think I'm not sure.
And at some point it's like another night, I think
(21:21):
I'm not sure. I won't try to even pretend I
know when anything happened. But I started to realize my
face was swollen, and then I was starting to get rashes,
I believe, and rashes aren't new to me either, but
had them since those young child with autoimmune issues. You
just get rashes, you know, Weltz, rashes, bumps, just weird stuff,
(21:41):
so not that weird. But my face was swelling. I've
actually never had my face swollen before that I know of.
And I was sneezing a lot. I was like sneezing
and sneezing and sneezing and sneezing, and my face was swollen.
I looked in the mirror at some point and I
looked like Rocky Balboaut, like after like a fight, like
in the movies. Like my eyes were just like puff up,
like I had been punched. I was like itching so bad.
(22:03):
So I've had rashes a lot, they're not always that itchy.
It's hard to explain. Your skin will just react with
aut of you, but you're not always actively deeply itchy.
But it was really itchy. It was really itchy. My
face looked like I had been boxing people. And the
itchiness just got worse and worse, and at some point
(22:24):
I was scratching and I was like wishing that I
could rip my skin off my It felt like a rash.
I've never had my entire life ever, out of all
the many rashes I've had, I've never itched this bat.
I've had chicken pox, I've had all the things. Never
felt this itch before. It felt like my bones itched,
is the best way I could describe it. And you
(22:46):
cannot scratch a bone. I don't know if you knew that,
but you can't relieve an itch when it's in your bone.
So I would just itch an itch. I was so
then I was swelling from itching my skin, so then
like my body was swelling, my face is swelling, and
then I'm like, wait, what's actually happening, right, Now this
is so confusing because when you have a migraine, by
(23:06):
the way, without my migraine finally ended, but then you
have a migraine hangover, which is the fourth stage, and
that can last for a couple of days, and you
it really is like having a hangover. You have like
deep brain fog and like everything's just very confusing and
slow and so in deep brain fog from migraine hangover,
(23:27):
I was trying to figure out why my face was stolen.
My like itchiness was so bad that I couldn't even
handle it, unimaginably itchy. My blood was itchy. It was
like my blood and my bones themselves itch My skin
had nothing to do with it. It was inside of me.
It's like trying to rip my head off. Like it
(23:47):
was really bad. It was all over from head to toe.
You could see it if this camera was better. Unfortunately,
I'm glad, actually unfortunately you can't see it. I still
have the thoughts everywhere, but they're not showing up on
this camera, which makes me happy. But at some point
Johnny was like, this isn't allergic reaction, This isn't migraine anymore,
This isn't whatever. This is You're having some kind of
(24:09):
allergic reaction, and we were like, what am I being
allergic to? My lungs started to hurt pretty bad. I
had some difficulty breathing. And then Johnny was like, oh,
you just finished the Clinda mycin and I was like,
why would I react afterwards? Right? So this is extra
confusing again because I'm like, this is the only thing
(24:30):
we could think of that I'd be allergic to all
of a sudden, and yet I had finished it more
than a day before. At this moment where we're realizing
that I'm reacting to something, oh god, Oh my god.
So he locks it up and actually, yeah, sometimes people
and so I'll just say this too, Clinda mysin has
(24:51):
actually prescribed for people who are allergic to antibiotics. So
this is how ironic this has, like seventy five layers
of irony. If you just if you a laugh, I'm fine.
My friend actually called me lovey this awesome message. You
know who you are, and he was just laughing. He
was like, I'm sorry, but like, what the fuck is
happening in your life? And I'm like, I know, dude,
(25:12):
none of this is kosher at all. So Johnny looks
it up, and yeah, it's prescribed mostly for people with
antibotic allergies, which I don't happen. I've never had because
I don't even take antabotics. And yet for some people
after the second time usually so the first round of
Clintonize and you take fine, Well, if you take another
(25:34):
round when you're done taking that round, within a day
or two, you can have a severe life threatening allergy
an a phalaxis. What how would you know that? How
would you figure that out? And you're not really supposed
to figure it out. You're supposed to like make sure
you stay breathing at any time it affects your airway
(25:56):
or whatever. You call nine one one, And I would
have done that. I would have called nine one. I'm
not opposed to it. I'm not opposed to going to
the hospital. If I need to go to the hospital,
I'll go to the hospital. At the same time, I've
been through so much shit medically that I'm like, I
already know they won't do shit and charge you like
twenty thousand dollars for it. I mean really, they'll be like, oh,
(26:16):
I'll give you an ivy of saline, which is saltwater,
which costs them like two dollars and we'll keep you
in here from honoring you. And it's gonna be sixteen
thousand dollars And you're like, well, fuck, so is it
worth sixteen thousand dollars? Right? And I and again, I
will absolutely call nine on one. I will absolutely go
to the hospital if I know that that's what I need.
But if I know that instead, what they might do
(26:37):
is go I don't know and give me nothing and
charge me a bunch of money for it and ruin
my life over it, I'm not going to go. So
you know, I had my limits. I was like, if
it gets to my airway at all, if my tongue
starts swelling, like, I'll go. But my eyes were like
blood red, my face is shold in, my throat kind
of hurt, My lungs hurt pretty bad. So a lot
of people I think would have gone, and that would
(26:58):
have been fine and not the worst move they made
because when they got there, they would have been given
steroids and the allergic reaction would have stopped probably and
further pain would have been avoided. But we were like
just figuring this out. And so yeah, after the second
dose of clintonmizin, after you've done taking it. Some people
developed this exact allergy exactly the same, just head to toe,
(27:21):
desperately itchy from the inside out. The bones themselves are itchy,
all the same things like being described. So I was like, well,
at least I'm not crazy, right, at least this actually
is what other people also sometimes series I wish no
one did. It's insane. It is enough to drive you
mad and pretty scary too, to think, you know, my
(27:42):
lungs hurt. I was like, so it was perhaps right
on the edge of not breathing. I don't know, we
always had that Inhaler. We haven't Inhaler stirred and Haaler
would have helped a bit. But finally when we realized that,
I was like, well, I have some steroids from that
first dental surgery, and so I'll take those. No need
(28:05):
to even bother with going anywhere. And so I broke
those out and I took some, and like, maybe they
helped a tiny bit, but they're pretty weak. They're not
meant for allergic response. They're meant for keeping swelling down
after a surgery. So not the best choice, not the
worst choice. Took some benadro. It's like, okay, if this
(28:25):
is allergies. I'll take benadryl. I'll take you know, these steroids,
and we'll get this under control. Very very slightly might
have helped for like a few hours. And then it
started getting worse again. The puffiness and the eyes started
growing again, the itchiness got really intent. I mean, my
body was on fire with its worst thing ever might
tattoos again. You see the shoulder bit, this covers my
(28:48):
entire back in most of my butt. It also have
one all over my right leg. So two pretty large tattoos.
The somebody who was could have traced them perfectly and
told me what they were. It doesn't even make sense.
It's a it makes no sense at all. But my
(29:10):
tattoo lines were like raised up, like emblazoned, as though
they had been drawn and fired like a wealth. So
if you were blind, you couldn't have felt all my
tattoos and told me what they were, just not what
tattoos are supposed to be like. So that was happening too,
So it was getting more intense again. It was getting
really bad again, and so finally we remember telehealth exists,
(29:31):
so we called telehealth and the lady's like, yeah, that's cool, bet,
ADL's cool. Those stereods are cool. Those are not going
to stop an antaphlexus response. And that's the first time
I sort of heard it, was like, oh, anaphylaxis. Like
She's like, yeah, if your if your tongue's even remotely
starting to swallow all, you're gonna call nine one one.
(29:52):
You're gonna get them there, like and I was like, Okay,
So now I'm taking it very seriously, not that it
wasn't obviously, but just I understand now that, yeah, it
actually is pretty bad. I think she probably was supposed
to tell me to go to the emersions hero because
my lung sturt, because my lips were swelling for the
(30:13):
first time in this entire process. Right when I was
talking to her, my lips started like swelling, but she did. Instead,
she called in this prescription for methyl prednaz alone I
think is what it's called in some other stuff for
anti itch and whatever. So we got that pretty quickly actually,
and it pretty quickly started to help. And that was
(30:35):
on Sunday, I think that was still five days ago,
and I am just now able to talk to you
for half an hour. I slept for I think like
fourteen hours the first dose of the anti itch and
anti allergy stuff I got because my body finally had
a break, and I also was on somewhat of a
downer drug wise, so I got to like crash hard,
(31:00):
actually sleep through the night without pain waking me up,
without itching making me up. It's not that the issue
had stopped, by the way, the itching has stayed intense
until yesterday. Today is that first day I have not
had an intense, deep bone itch combined with burning fire
coming out of some part of my body. So many
(31:22):
many days of pretty powerful steroids and other drugs and
still barely releasing. This allergic response is anaphylexis. It's not
anaphylectic shock. It would have become an anaphlactic shock if
it was much quicker onset, or if my tongue or
my throat what I've begun to swell. Is my understanding.
(31:43):
But the other understanding I have is that this is
now perhaps a lifelong and hopefully not I don't want
to speak into existence, but uh, I may be more
likely to have anaphlexis responses from now on for all
sorts of things. I also obviously never gonna take clin
to my sin again. But some people are saying I
(32:03):
shouldn't take any antibotics. Ending in sin, I was saying again,
I won't take any antibotics ever again unless I really
believe it's gonna kill me if I don't. And so
those things are on the list of things to keep
keep an eye on from now on out. I am
(32:26):
very glad to be alive. I also am ready annoyed
that I just took the antabotics and didn't think about it.
I'm pretty upset with myself. I also feel like I
don't even feel like I just know shit like this
happens and it has to happen, and it has to
(32:46):
happen however it happens. And there was a couple of
pretty big breakthroughs spiritually that I won't go into in
detail because they're mine and not yours, but pretty big breakthroughs,
you know, And I'll say, like, it's so interesting because
you could be very aware that you never really die,
(33:07):
and like, I know this beyond a shadow of doubt.
It's not a question. It's not a belief I have.
It's not faith I have. It's like a thing I know,
in part because I've remembered so many of my past lives.
In part because I've left this place and come back
to this body in this life multiple times. I've understood
that my consciousness doesn't have anything to do with my
body except that this is my anchor in this time
(33:30):
space reality here with you guys, And so I have
no real fear of death. At the same time, when
you're being forced to die, you feel like and you
didn't want to It's like pretty upsetting, right. I was like, well,
not now. I didn't want to die now. I mean
I did want to die like last night, Right, I
did want to die in the middle of the migraine
cramp session, but not now. So that's interesting to experience that, right,
(33:56):
grasping onto life. Nothing wrong with it. It's good to
be alive. It was also really interesting a few times
where I was able to sort of transcend the pain again,
transcend the itchiness again somehow and get into my breath
and get into like a meditative state and get into
this release of the physical, which is very, very helpful
(34:17):
when you're in those situations. It helps you get past
the wishing for a death part if you can get
into that space. And so that was another good practice
and a good reminder. But it's also like in the
middle of it, you're like why, God, like why, and
sometimes God answers and He's like, Cuz, because because you
(34:40):
said so, because you actually want this, believe it or not,
because it's actually serving you, believe it or not, and
because it's not actually even as bad as you think.
You just you know, you're in your emotions, you're in
your body, you're in your fear of whatever, and you're
in your grasping but like, actually, this is like the
best you could have gone through this, right, this is
the best you could have gone through. So you were
(35:02):
gonna have to go through this, and this is the
best you could have done it. I had the best,
best possible partner I ever could have had in all this,
which is Johnny obviously soulmate power, so amazing. This is
so helpful to have someone who just deeply loves you,
would like kill and die for you, and able to
help you through some of the most terrible things you
(35:24):
can encounter, like a fucking champ. I wish you didn't
have to. I think it's horrible. If you guys know
any caretakers, you've been caretakers, so hard, so hard to
watch people you love suffer and to still be strong
for them and be there for them. So what an
amazing gift that I have. I was like, Man, I
hope he never has to go through anything like this,
(35:45):
but I will fucking be right there for him, just
like he was for me, and hopefully I'll do nearly
as good of a job as he did. He thought
of everything. He's like, really actually the reason why I
survived this because I wasn't thinking clearly and I didn't
understand was happening. And yeah, if I actually would have
had too much more trouble breathing or something and no
(36:05):
one was here, I would have called someone, obviously. But still,
he's the reason I understood what was happening, is the
reason I figured out. He's the reason I got what
I needed. Pretty lucky, Pretty lucky. So there's that right.
At other points in my life I would not have
had that. I would have made it much harder. And
I also had just finished that blazing bright miss retreat,
(36:28):
which I could never express, but you know, I've done
the shows. You maybe listened to him, whatever, could never
express exactly what came through and what we created together,
and that amazing retreat and the energy of that, like
kept coming back to me over and over again through
this ordiale was probably part of what brought me back
into that meditative state. Was probably part of what brought
me back to that remembering that you know, when you're
(36:51):
when you're down in it and you're really attached to
the pain and the insane pain, insane itchiness and the
horrifyingly overwhelming feelings you're having, then that's really hard. But
if you can just release into that, there actually is
still the light and life and love that you can
touch it, you can feel even in that place, which
is incredible. It's actually amazing. It's like how people get
(37:14):
through some of the worst possible things. And obviously this
isn't even close to the worst possible things. Unfortunately, there's
worse things than this, and they happen to people, and
people get through those two and this is part of
how right it's because of that's connection. And so I
got that. I was still riding some of the waves
(37:37):
off that event, but I also again had so many
people who were reaching out and who are sending me love,
who are sending me yes, even money and support and
all kinds of connection, and it matters you know I
tell this story like too much now, but I remember
hearing one of the people who, one of the many
people who's had a near death experience, was in a
(37:58):
car accident. And so, as you know, versus floating out
of their body, they're looking down and they're seeing all
the people. And you can see people's energy. And you
can see it now too, if you want to practice
and try. There's auras and energy is visible if you
hone in on it, but especially when you're out of body,
like you don't have a choice, you're going to see it.
And so you see, you see this, and she sees
(38:20):
all the people who are like, oh God, accident or
oh God, like this and that, and and she sees
our energy is like not helping, it's discordant, it's not flowing,
it's it's not good. And then she sees a few
people who are like praying, who are hoping for a
good outcome, who are like, let's all get through this together,
let's all do our best. And all that energy is
(38:41):
like coalescing, is going straight to her body as she's
sitting there, floating above it and helping it to stay alive.
And that's how it felt every time any of you
sent me any kind of love. I was like, Okay,
I can do this, right, can do this? So really matters.
(39:02):
It matters that we do these things. It matters that
we come together, It matters that we did blazing brightness.
It matters that you think well of people and you
send them love and you send them while wishes, and
you can think of it as prayer if you want,
or manifestation or anything else. It doesn't matter. It's just
your heart and your mind or aligning in this gift
to somebody. Essentially, you know, I send people blessings. That's
(39:25):
one of the things I do. It's one of the
services I offer. You might feel like you don't do that,
and maybe you technically don't do exactly what I'm doing,
But when you have this prayer, you have this intention,
it's very similar. It's very very similar. Just that energy
of love actually matters, it's actually healing, it's actually uplifting.
So I got to see all of that too, and
(39:47):
I just got to also see some of more karma
that I was transforming. I got to see more ancestral
connections of what I was transforming. And I know again
and I feel like I always have to give this caveat.
You know, karma isn't a punishment. It's not like someone's
out there and they're like waiting for me to suffer
(40:09):
and if I finally suffered enough, they'll finally give up.
It's not like that. It's really is. It's what you create.
You have it now, and so you have it until
you don't have it anymore. And I created that, right.
I created that amount of suffering or worse than people.
I stood by while people suffered in that way and
didn't do anything about it. I also caused directly that
(40:30):
much suffering or more on people. I know it because
I lived it. I know it because I remember that life.
I'm sure there were more than the one I remember,
but the one I remember is enough. And so it's
not oh I deserve this, Oh bring it on like,
It's not like that. It's just that I see the
energy that I create, and I see what it is
(40:50):
to sit with it until it can dissipate right and
let go of it, so I see the transformation as well.
I talk about this a lot too. Anytime I face something,
or you face something it's exceptionally dark or difficult in
the middle of it, you usually have moments where you're like,
(41:10):
I can't do this. This is way too much pain,
way too much sensation, way too much overwhelmed. I can't
do this, and actually you can. You can. And afterwards
you look back and you're like, yeah, I did that,
But also look at what I transformed, look at what
I released, and look at what I have now, which
(41:33):
is an even deeper sense of self and even deeper
understanding of what I'm doing here, and honestly, even a
deeper sense of self love and of love for others
and of others love for me. I mean, it's like
hard to be attached to some petty bullshit when you
just face death, right, it's hard. It's a lot easier,
(41:54):
in fact, to be like, you know what, whatever, I
love you. Oh some bullshit we all had whatever? Who cares, right,
And it's like not like you just let people walk
all over you or whatever, but you just get a
little bit more real about what's real. And a lot
of shit isn't real, a lot of shit doesn't matter.
So it is a gift. It is a gift actually
(42:15):
in many ways to understand what life is and what
a gift it is, and to use it as such,
and to treat it as such while you're still here.
It's pretty cool. I also always hear my grandma, who
you know, came to me and told me to take
those antibotics in the first place. You should be cool
if she would have told me not to take them
this time. But you know, I don't blame her. It's
hard to come through to the living sometimes. Just fucking
(42:39):
with you, Grandma, But she would always say, none of
us is making out of here alive. And that's true,
none of us is making it out of here alive
for sure. Well, I would like to die a bit
more peacefully than I would have if I died this weekend.
That would be cool, I'd be I'd like to just
like die nicely in a bed in the middle of
the night or something, you know, like I'd like to
(43:00):
just that. That'd be me. I don't have to be
like horribly pain and suffering whatever like. That'd be cool.
But I'll at least take that. I enjoy life now.
I'm still glad to be here, I'm still happy to
be here. I'm not suffering at the moment anymore too much.
(43:20):
At least I think it's I think it really is done.
I think it's over, I get little bits of the
rash comes back, and actually it has been while I've
even talking, perhaps conceal a little bit on my neck.
It just kind of comes and goes, but not bad,
so that like the lightest level of itch and irritation,
and it's okay, especially compared to what it was. So,
(43:44):
you know, and again part of why I resist a
hospital and I will absolutely go if I need to,
I'm not I'm not totally posed. I think you and
I both know there's been a little too much of
forcing people to inject things that they didn't choose, a
little too much like sneaking it, even a little too
much of saying like, oh I gave it to them
that they didn't want it. That we've seen too many
(44:06):
medical professionals admitting to over the past few years for
me to really trust very many doctors or trust being
somewhere where I may be out of consciousness and people
have access to me and access to all of those
things they could inject. So you know, I would still
go if it's going to save my life, but I'm
definitely going to avoid those psychopaths at every cost possible
(44:30):
as long as I won't die, right, So there's a
boundary I have there, and I'm glad I didn't have
to cross it in order to save my life this time.
So I will also say there's some sort of stupid, stupid,
stupid shit with a third Eye carnival, which I missed
because I was an anaphylactic response to anabotics that tried
(44:54):
to kill me. I wouldn't have actually probably gone anyway,
because I was going to try to go to Nebraska
see fireflies. But that didn't happen either, So neither thing happened.
But apparently a Third I carnival down into Pueblo this
past Fourth of July weekend. It created some hubbub in
the local art community. Apparently some people went there and
(45:16):
were vending and were not quite in the alternative thinking,
free minded, sometimes anarchic, sometimes libertarian, sometimes slightly right wing,
sometimes slightly left wing community that is this alternative media
sphere and conspiracy sphere. They weren't in any of those spheres,
(45:38):
but they were somehow vending there anyway, which they were
quite rude about. From what I understand, they were like upset.
They they just were looking down their nose at everybody.
They were very judgmental, is what it sounds like from
their own statements. By the way, no one who was
there told me this. I just I just heard them
say it in their own statements afterwards. And then somebody
(45:59):
on some panel said something that they couldn't understand a joke, which, again,
if you listen to me, wouldn't have bothered you, If
you listened to Day zero, wouldn't have bothered you, you know.
But if you are I don't know. If you take
yourself so seriously you can't ask questions and you don't
understand reality very well and you don't think past what
(46:20):
the media tells you, then I guess it offends you.
And so they packed up their booths and left. They
packed up their booths and left in like the middle
of the day. And now they're on a campaign to
essentially destroy the guy who hosts it. I don't even
know Jeff that well. I just know Jeff exists. I
(46:41):
know he owns the Blowback Gallery. I know he lets
them do the Third I Carnival. He seems like a
cool guy does cool art shows there. It's a functional,
normal art gallery that also happens to do these types
of events, which is really awesome. It's really awesome if
you can provide a space for community to come together
and be together, especially if you don't censor people. It'd
(47:01):
be one thing if you literally were hosting like hate
groups who are planning to harm people and you know whatever,
Like sure, but just people who just say things that
might offend someone and you'll allow them to Like, that
is actually what life should be like. You should be
allowed to just say things, even if not everyone agrees
with them, even if some people get their feelings hurt
about it. And he does that, I think that's really awesome.
(47:25):
So I have a lot of respect for Jeff just
from those few things I know about him. And this
person's trying to destroy Jeff isn't even the one who
said anything. Jeff just hosts this event, which, by the way,
any space you could rent could also be said to
host an event. It always is implied that the host
(47:46):
of the event does not necessarily agree with the people
in the event. It's always implied, it's sometimes expressly stated
apparently for idiots like these people who don't understand the difference.
Can you imagine being that stupid? So this person now
is going to try to ruin the life of a
kind human and his business. He's worked his ass off.
(48:11):
I'm sure most businesses are not any other way, worked
his ass off, to have worked his ass off to
support people in the community, worked his ass off to
give people this. We don't even know if he agrees
with any of the third I carnival stuff, any of
the conspiracy stuff. We have no idea because it doesn't
matter and it's not the point. The point is it's
(48:32):
his business and he was not the one who did anything,
and these people are now actively trying to destroy him.
And unfortunately, because they're women with tits, they get some
sort of benefit and people give them some sort of
I don't know, some sort of clout, some sort of support.
(48:52):
I mean really like that. It's not that they're actually righteous,
it's not that their point is good. Is that they're
offended women, and because they have boobs, people are like,
I'm going to defend them too because I might get laid.
It's really how the world is, unfortunately, It's really how
the world is. Unfortunately. It's actually unfortunately how the art
(49:14):
world is. I'm not even in it. I just see it.
You probably see it too, Like dudes are painting and
they're not like whipping their dick out, but women are
painting and they're in like bras and like, you know,
tiny little weird overalls that are just like barely covering
their nipples, and like, I'm like, so this is porn
that you're calling it art. It's very obvious what you're
(49:36):
selling and it's not your art. And these people seem
like that to me. And you can go see for
yourself and see all there are parts of themselves with
their art and see if you think the same. And
maybe it's cool. Maybe I love it when women use
their kids to sell art and destroy galleries, but I don't.
(50:00):
I think it's lazy. I think it's weak. I think
it's meant to unfortunately, it's like emotionally dysregulated, and it's
meant to fill some holes that should have been filled
in childhood by loving parents but weren't. And this is unfortunately,
how people act when they don't have themselves healed. Like
(50:21):
I want attention. I want to be made to seem righteous.
I want people to look at me and say, oh wow,
look at her, look at what she's doing.
Speaker 2 (50:28):
Go girl.
Speaker 1 (50:31):
They desperately need it, in fact, and they might not
have ever even been slightly offended, but they saw their
opportunity to get a shitload of attention and to feel
like a really good, special person who's different from others.
Do you know who wants to feel special and different
from others? It's a developmental stage. It's usually around the
ages of eleven to fifteen or so, that's when it happens.
(50:55):
And unfortunately, the vast majority of adults have never left
that stage, and so they're still there, still trying to
feel special and different and trying to fill a hole
their parents didn't fill that can't be filled. Actually, by
any of this, you might end up successfully destroying Jeff
and his business for no reason at all, and you
(51:17):
will still feel like a pointless, empty piece of shit
that you are, and nothing will have changed. Said sucks.
It's really sad actually for people who are stuck in
this loop to be cool. We can hope that that
person has some sort of conscience, some sort of heart
(51:37):
awareness that dawns on them that it isn't actually cool
to destroy someone in their business because you don't have
a brain or a sense of humor, or the ability
to ask questions or think for yourself. That would be cool.
We can hope for that. In the meantime, we can
call out bullshit when we see it, and we can
have better standards for ourselves than others, and we can
(51:59):
hope that everybody gets a little bit more emotionally. Well,
it's exhausting. It's exhausting. So that apparently happened when I
wasn't at the Third Eye Festival, and I'm getting exhausted.
I'm gonna go now. I was gonna tell you about
sat Cherry's full moon, but I think you can figure
it out yourself if you go to masteringthsodiac dot com.
Than commenting has not lots of good stuff on it. Yeah,
(52:24):
I don't have a nice typebo to put on this
for you, really, but I am again glad. I'm glad
to be here. I'm glad that I'm alive. I am
glad that I will hopefully get better and better from
here on out. I uh am not feeling good still.
I hope to feel much much better. I am much
much better, just not good enough. I'm not anywhere near normal,
(52:47):
and I hope to go beyond normal and thrive even
more than ever before. I really appreciate your support. Again.
The best way to support me is to go to
substack rogueways dot subset and become a subscriber there. Paid
subscriber is the best way to support the show and
get free good yummy perks like channel messages on subsac
(53:12):
you can also subscribe there for free. I would appreciate
having you there even if you don't become a paid subscriber.
There's lots of free content as well. And the other
way is to go to roagueways dot org to the shop.
There's a donate option in the shop as an actual
as though you were purching purchasing an item. There's also
other donate options below wherever you're watching or listening to this.
And also if you just want to send a nice
(53:34):
message of support and love, I'll take that too as
worth a lot to me. So thank you all so
much for being here and for being you. And until
next time, travel well and for balance and always look
inside first. Wow do those screens.
Speaker 2 (53:59):
It's a lot to talk like you fighting amongst each
other all over the rumors that don't like you with
crom has cropped the melancholy with the wood Wanz of Hollies,
adjustions out of pick the Rights of Camel flaws of folly,
but took the mental dobbery execute a top relye hypocricy.
Speaker 1 (54:13):
It is back to ree and
Speaker 2 (54:14):
Back to top with me with the hands up to
touch the acasta because you know, deep down is something
bigger than your wallet.
Groom, grim and screens.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
It's a plot to drop the high cute, fighting the
mont each other, the rumors that don't like you. Macrob
has cropped and Melancholi with the wood Banza Hollies adjusts
out of clicker rates of camel Platza Folly, that's up
the metal, dob reach execute, It's up, Rely hypocricy. It
is back to ree and back to top of put
the hands up to touch the acasta because you know,
deep down is something bigger than your wallet.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Sweet eternal balance fall. That is good, true, and beautiful friends,
Welcome back to Rogue Ways, a very special episode of Ways.
I don't think I've done an episode for over a week,
just not like me, and that is because I've been
quite ill for a week or so and nearly deadly ill,
(01:02):
and so I wanted to come and at least do
a short show, which it'll be funny if it's not,
because that's also often what I do is and I'm like,
it'll be a short show today, and then it's like
two hours long. But I'm not feeling super great still,
so it probably actually will be short. But I just
wanted to come and at least say hello, to people,
(01:23):
so you know, I'm alive. I made it through yet
another trip into hell, as one of my friends called it,
and I'm here, and I'm glad to be here, very
very grateful to be here. I've like I've been nearly dying,
I feel like for a long time. And I say that,
(01:44):
and I think people think I'm just saying it, but
actually definitely been true over the past at least five years,
if not seven or longer that I've been you know,
downhill sliding, crashing sometimes really deeply into the abyss of illness,
and with very very little clarity or support about what's
happening or what to do about it, which is more
(02:06):
and more of the case unfortunately for so many of
us out here. We have all kinds of toxins just
assaulting us from birth until death, and they get more
and more common and frequent and intense as we go
as well. So not only have we likely accumulated so
(02:27):
much over the years, but the types and the severity
and the frequency of the toxins is increasing as we
move further and further into the modern world. It's something
I talk about a lot because of all of my
health struggles, and you've probably read about it. If you're
on my substack rogueways dot subseac dot com, if you
are subscribed for free or paid, then you already heard
(02:50):
this story because I actually got a burst of steroid
energy yesterday morning, and I was so amped up that
I like sacked down and wrote the whole thing out,
and right after that I collapsed again. I went back
to sleep. I slipt the rest of the day. But
it was a really interesting little burst of energy. And
so you already heard the story of what happened. And
(03:11):
you've also already heard me talk so many times on substack,
on this show about healing, about what's making us sick,
you know. And while I have specific diagnoses like hashimotos
and I have lifelong autoimmune conditions, and I have all
kinds of other stuff that isn't even related to toxins,
like my really severe scoliosis, and I've metal rods along
(03:36):
both sides of my spine. I have chronic pain my
whole life from that. I have anky low spondye, lolysis
or some things that no one can pronounce, and just pain, pain, pain,
all sorts of stuff. So you've heard me talk about
all the things we can do for healing, for supporting
ourselves in this world of toxins, for clearing stuff out,
(03:56):
on and on and on, and you know, to summarize
it really quick, I'll tell you it's almost every toxin
you can name in Earth causes estrogen, causes heavy metal
toxicity build up and causes parasite overload, all of them,
from EMFs to know the heavy metals themselves, to all
(04:17):
of the stuff in various medications we're given. All the
stuff in our water, all the stuff in our air,
all the stuff they spray on our crops. All that
stuff causes estrogen overload. It causes heavy metal toxicity below
it causes liver damage. You know, So all of these
things we start seeing like you, my autoimmune, my hashimotives.
It's actually a liver problem. You can call it whatever
you want, but what I really is is that my
(04:38):
liver's been damaged over a lifetime of really intense toxicity,
and by the way, yours has two. I'm not saying
that to curse you. I'm saying that to help you
become aware that the primary thing you can do for
your health is support your liver. As you support your liver,
it reduces the estrogen in your body. It's able to
process it and get rid of it. I'm not talking
(04:59):
to women. Talking to men and have too much estrogen too. No,
you can't test for it. I mean you can, but
you're not going to find those tests. Good luck finding
those tests. You can get the most natural, holistic, crunchy
motherfucker in the world. They're not going to know how
to do the test. You have to be biop seed
in order to actually test how much estrogen overload you have,
(05:22):
because it's lodges in your tissues. It's not in your pee,
it's not your blood. You might have an overabundance of
estrogen in those places and that would be something, but
you might have an over abundance of estrogen in your
whole body. And they'll test your pea or your blood
or anything else and be like, yeah, I know you're fine,
You're in the normal range. Okay, we'll test your tissue
and see how much is lodged up in there. So yes,
(05:44):
all of you, we all have too much estrogen. And
the number one thing you can do is support your liver.
You have too much heavy metals. The number one thing
you can do is support your liver. You've got any
sort of issues, and the number one thing you can
do is support your liver. You've got cancer, support your liver,
you've got nerve damage, support your liver. And there's all
sorts of other things you can hone in on, and
there's millions of things, and I'm always bringing you more
(06:04):
and more of them. I've got another one, actually, I'm
so excited to test out and use and then report
back to you on. It's something that actually seems to
be like it might be a food based, actual superfood.
I'll give you a hint. It's oysters. And yes, I've
actually talked about that before. I actually didn't know how
perfect they were though, So we'll do that in another
(06:27):
show and another sub stack. Again. You should be subscribed
to my subsack roguways dot subsack dot com. You would
have already heard this story, you'd already know all of
these things, and also it's the best way to support me,
and man, I need your support right now. So thank
you to those of you who have been donating. The
donat buttons are below you. Wherever you're watching or listening
(06:48):
to this, there's one on my site at Roaguways dot org.
If you go to the shop, there's actually a donation option.
It's in multiples of ten dollars. So if you only
got ten bucks, awesome. If you got more than that,
you've been listening for a long time, you've been wanting
to do something, do multiples. Very grateful for all of
your support during this time. It's not just that I
can't work during the time I'm sick. It's also that
(07:11):
it's expensive to be sick to buy all the things
you need to be healthy, and so I just really
appreciate the support. It also just feels good right to
hear your guys' comments. You guys have been messaging me,
You've been leaving notes and stuff here there and saying
hello and sending your love, and it matters. It matters
a lot. I really really appreciate it all. So thank
(07:32):
you so much to those of you who are sending
your love in whatever ways before now or now that
you're hearing this, or in the future or when you
hear this, or any time I receive it. I take it.
I'm grateful for it. I just in the midst of
feeling I mean, there was a couple times in the
past week where I was literally begging God to kill me.
And that's how. And I again have a pretty retardedly
(07:57):
high tolerance for pains. It's not okay actually, Like I
have this huge tattoo down my whole entire back and
I was sleeping during most of that tattoo. I've a
very high tolerance for pain, as I've had a life
of really intense physical pain, and so you learn to
dissociate from it and breathe through it and deal with
(08:18):
it and oh, you know, or you get on like
heroin and OPI it's your whole life and then you're
that's a totally different path. So a lot of pain,
and I was just begging to die, but there's other
times where I just thought I was going to die
and was begging to live. So it's kind of funny
how quickly that can change, right, I was dead serious
both times. I meant it both both times, both extremes,
(08:41):
I was in very very much meant it. So I'll
just tell you what happened. Happy full moon. Also, by
the way, it's a full moon today and true sidereal Sagittarius,
my sign, which is great for me. We'll maybe touch
on that later if I have energy but here's what happened.
So if you know, again, I get flare ups sometimes
(09:01):
I have, especially hormonally because of estrogen, not just because
I'm a woman, but because I'm a person in the
modern era, and all of us have estrogen issues, but
especially me because I have thyroid disorder, liver disorder, and
toxicity issues. Therefore, any time I have another upwelling we'll say,
(09:21):
of estrogen in my system, I can have like complete
breakdowns and meltdowns. So because I still have a cycle,
especially right at the beginning of menstruation and at the end,
you have these surges of hormones, and those can be
really critical times for me. So I take really good
care of myself around those times, especially sort of baby
myself through it. But I wasn't able to take as
(09:42):
good a care of myself this time because right before
this I had gone to the dentist. Again. You may
remember back in November, I had tooth extraction. I had
an upper jaw infection. I did not have tooth infection.
I had an upper jaw and affection which then affected
(10:02):
my tooth. So I know that that is confusing for
some people. Most people have a tooth infection that they
allowed to go too far, and it starts obsessing and whatever,
and eventually it gets into their jaw. Mine was the
other way around. My jaw was infected and it was
beginning to move into my tooth, so they removed the
tooth and the extraction was difficult for me for very
(10:24):
many reasons, and afterwards they gave me a prescription for anabiotics.
I don't normally take antibiotics. I never have, maybe when
I was a child and I didn't know better, and
they handed us antibotics if we ever went to the doctor,
which was rare because we were very poor. If it happened,
then I did. But I really did it most of
(10:45):
my life, and I definitely didn't ever since I was
at least eighteen, right so about the year two thousands,
with twenty five years, no antibiotics, No antibotics, because I
know my mom's a nurse, my sister's a nurse. We
know the danger of over prescribing them. I understand the
difference between a bacterial infection or whatever it is we
call viral infections, right, I understand the antibiotics only work
(11:09):
for bacterial infections, and therefore, if you don't have one,
you shouldn't take them, and I don't think I've ever
had a bacterial infection. I don't think most people have
ever had a bacterial infection, except maybe in their teeth actually, ironically,
so I don't. So I get prescribed them all the
time for like a headache, for a cold, for like
a sinus infection, for things that are not not bacterial infections,
(11:32):
and I just don't fill them and don't take them
because there's no point and I've never needed to, so
it's been fine. So this time I was going to
do the same and pretty bad John infection again. Remember
the whole thing is I got a jown infection, which
can kill you, but I just didn't really know that,
and I just didn't really understand it. I didn't hurt that bad.
(11:53):
It really wasn't even a big problem in my mind.
The look on my dentist's face could have told me
that this was very serious, and I could have looked
it up and seen, but I just had this habit
of like not really carrying about antibotics, and so I
was like, yeah, my body'll handle it, right, the problem
is gone. The problem wasn't gone though, it was in
my John, not my tooth. So anyways, I get this
prescription and I don't feel it. I go to sleep.
(12:15):
I have a dream in which my dead grandmother God
rest her, and my dead cousin both come to me
and explain to me that if I don't take at
least I believe they said three to four days, it
might have been four to five or something, at least
four days, will say of antibiotics, I will die. And
(12:36):
ideally I'll take minimum seven days to be actually in
the clear. But if I want to be truly safe,
I should take all ten days of this antibotic. I
woke up and I was like, well, I guess I
should take the antibiotics, because that's pretty clear, pretty clear
message message received. Thank you my grandmother, thank you my cousin.
(12:56):
Go fill it, take all the take all the drugs.
Horrible antabotics. There's called clintamycin, if you don't know, and
it rips your guts apart. And so I have taken
antibotics before, like I said, and I understand they like
mess up your gut and you lose all your air
good bacteria and you're just out of balance and it
can take months to get back on track. And your
your immune system can be affected and all these things,
(13:18):
so I know that, but this was like brutal. I
was like waking up in the middle of the night
with dreams of animals ripping my guts apart because that's
how bad my stomach hurt. And it was like getting
into the dream really bad pain, you know, really feeling
like shit. I also realized that part of this was
that I was fighting off a lethal infection in my
face near my brain, which right, and I just hadn't
(13:41):
realized like how suppressed my system was from that too.
So the combination of these antibotics and this infection threw
me down. So you may remember I was out for
like twenty days, I believe. I think I still did
some shows, but I was like pretty hit or miss
most days for almost a month, often in bed, often
not being able to even exercise or do sort of
(14:01):
my normal thing. So pretty bad. But I didn't die
from a jaw infection and I didn't drop for a
die from a jaw infection because my grandma told me
to take the medication and I did and it worked
and it healed the infection that was right next to
my brain. So good, problem solved. Moving on youah, feeling
(14:22):
better whatever. I actually yeah, and that for some reason
I ended up taking twenty days of the antibotics back then,
and I honestly can't remember why. I don't know. I'm
sure it seemed absolutely necessary. I wouldn't have done it
right months go by. That was what seven months ago.
Eight months ago, I just had the titanium rod for
the implant, so they removed the tooth and now I'm
(14:45):
getting this titanium rod. And this is my second implant
in my life. The other one was much easier and
cheaper because I did it in Turkey and Ecuador. This
one's much more expensive, lengthy, and my time consuming and
many more steps and I'm much more careful. That's the truth.
But I don't know if it's better or not, but
(15:06):
it is lots more money and much more strenuous and
time time staking time, time, time staking, time keeping. God see,
I shouldn't even be talking to you guys. Takes a
lot of time. So anyways, getting the second implant in
this space where the tooth is taken out, they get
and they just prescribe some antibiotics, and I, for the
(15:30):
first time in my entire life, did it even think
of not taking them, like it had gotten into my
brain so deeply this previous time that I really did
almost die that I was like, Oh, you take anabiotics
or you die. And I don't actually believe that. And
if you would ask me, and I consciously had to
(15:50):
answer you, I would have said, no, of course, you
don't always have to, but sometimes you do, right, Sometimes
you actually have a bacterial infection that's right next to
your brain and you need to kill it before it
kills you, right, And but I didn't consciously think of it.
I just filled the prescription and took them. It blows
my mind. I still am not really sure like what
(16:12):
happened or how I did that. I really can't stress
to you enough that I don't get why I made
that decision. It just feels very unconscious. And that's not
like me at all, very intentional, very thoughtful, like don't
put anything in my body that isn't anyway. So I'm
not really sure. Apparently this just had to happen, and
so I was just in some sort of autopilot drone
(16:32):
situation and I just took these again. Clinton Micin Clinton
Icen is one of the most brutal antibiotics you can take,
as I explained with the gut ripping, but this time
it didn't even hurt my guts at all, which was
really weird. I was like, Okay, cool. I guess like
the first time sucks, and after that it's fine. And
I was like, you know, I'm always bummed when I
take antabotics. I'm like just thinking about all the work
(16:53):
I'm gonna have to do to repair my guts afterwards,
and how bad blah blah. But I go through ten
days of clindamizing. I don't have an infection. Remember, I
just placed a metal rod into my jaw. That's all
very tiny, not even an incision really. They just poke
up through the gum. Sorry if this is too much
for you, and just drill it into the bone or
(17:15):
the bone hurts a bit afterwards, but like, there's no
problem with this, there's no nothing's you know, it's not
a huge wood. Your mouth is used to bacteria. But
I just took the antibiotsis ten days of clintonmiz and
because they were prescribed, because the last time I took
them they saved my life, and because I was in
some sort of autopilot not even questioning whether I needed
them or not. Right, I turned the part of me
(17:36):
off that didn't want to take antibotics in order to
take them the previous time. So I took them, and
on the tenth day, obviously I was done taking them.
And then that was the beginning of my cycle. So then,
probably in large part because my gut was destroyed and
my body was battling this horrifying antibiotic, I had my
(18:00):
normal hormonespike, but I went into a horrifying migraine. If
you've had migraines before, and you've had this is how
I describe it. If you know the four stages of
a migraine, then you understand migraines. And if you don't,
you might have had a pretty bad migraine, but you
might not understand migraines fully. And if you know those
four stages, then I understand you and you understand me,
(18:22):
and we both have wished to die before. That's what
I know for sure, because it is the most excruciating,
intense pain possible. I've had, again a lifetime of pain.
This is the worst pain I've ever had is migraines,
so really intense pain. There's nothing you can do to
stop it, and it usually hits at night, and so
I'm sitting in bed. I don't even know. I can't
(18:46):
even tell you what you do or don't do during
a migraine. But what's really fucked up is then I
had the worst cramps almost of my whole life. I've
talked to you guys before that. I had an abortion
when I was two twenty three or so, and the
period after that was brutal. Abortions don't really hurt. They
(19:09):
give you painkillers. The period after they don't warn you
is like, hell, it feels like people are just ripping
apart your uterus. Cramps are always not comfortable. They're always painful.
That's why we call them cramps, and we have like
medication for them and whatnot. But even when I have cramps,
sometimes you're like, yeah, that hurts, So I like, I
don't really need to take anything for it, Like I
(19:32):
might put a hot pat on, I might be upset
for a day. It might not be fun, but it's like, yeah,
it happens, right, it hurts, you just live with it
and move on. This was excruciating. And this was excruciating
on top of excruciating, So I was in a full
blow of migraine, full pain from that, and then I
had the worst cramps ever at the same time. So
(19:54):
I was begging to die. I have some shock that
I didn't find a way to die. It was horrible.
I wouldn't wish it on anybody. And so I was like,
this is the antibiotics. This is like what they did
to me, and like this is so horrible. And then
I was sort of like why did I even take those?
(20:15):
And I was sort of hitting me, but I was
also like, I don't know whatever. At some point I
was vomiting at some point. Who's horrible. I mean when
you literally when you're having a migraine, as far as
I understand, you just vomit because your body doesn't know
what else to do. It's like terrified. Then like nothing
ever relents. It never stops or gets better, and it's
many hours often and so it just like vomits to
(20:39):
see if that will help. Like I'm not joking. So
it's funny to look back on that and think about that,
but it's not funny in the moment. Wanted to die
still like though this is like somewhat normal. Unfortunately, this
is still somewhat normal. And I'm like, yeah, you know,
I was starting my period right now. Did just finish
(21:00):
this big course of horrifying antibiotics. My body's probably just overreacting.
I have this autoimmune like la la la la la,
somewhat normal. At some point, this goes on for like
a day and a half. I think I'm not sure.
And at some point it's like another night, I think
(21:21):
I'm not sure. I won't try to even pretend I
know when anything happened. But I started to realize my
face was swollen, and then I was starting to get rashes,
I believe, and rashes aren't new to me either, but
had them since those young child with autoimmune issues. You
just get rashes, you know, Weltz, rashes, bumps, just weird stuff,
(21:41):
so not that weird. But my face was swelling. I've
actually never had my face swollen before that I know of.
And I was sneezing a lot. I was like sneezing
and sneezing and sneezing and sneezing, and my face was swollen.
I looked in the mirror at some point and I
looked like Rocky Balboaut, like after like a fight, like
in the movies. Like my eyes were just like puff up,
like I had been punched. I was like itching so bad.
(22:03):
So I've had rashes a lot, they're not always that itchy.
It's hard to explain. Your skin will just react with
aut of you, but you're not always actively deeply itchy.
But it was really itchy. It was really itchy. My
face looked like I had been boxing people. And the
itchiness just got worse and worse, and at some point
(22:24):
I was scratching and I was like wishing that I
could rip my skin off my It felt like a rash.
I've never had my entire life ever, out of all
the many rashes I've had, I've never itched this bat.
I've had chicken pox, I've had all the things. Never
felt this itch before. It felt like my bones itched,
is the best way I could describe it. And you
(22:46):
cannot scratch a bone. I don't know if you knew that,
but you can't relieve an itch when it's in your bone.
So I would just itch an itch. I was so
then I was swelling from itching my skin, so then
like my body was swelling, my face is swelling, and
then I'm like, wait, what's actually happening, right, Now this
is so confusing because when you have a migraine, by
(23:06):
the way, without my migraine finally ended, but then you
have a migraine hangover, which is the fourth stage, and
that can last for a couple of days, and you
it really is like having a hangover. You have like
deep brain fog and like everything's just very confusing and
slow and so in deep brain fog from migraine hangover,
(23:27):
I was trying to figure out why my face was stolen.
My like itchiness was so bad that I couldn't even
handle it, unimaginably itchy. My blood was itchy. It was
like my blood and my bones themselves itch My skin
had nothing to do with it. It was inside of me.
It's like trying to rip my head off. Like it
(23:47):
was really bad. It was all over from head to toe.
You could see it if this camera was better. Unfortunately,
I'm glad, actually unfortunately you can't see it. I still
have the thoughts everywhere, but they're not showing up on
this camera, which makes me happy. But at some point
Johnny was like, this isn't allergic reaction, This isn't migraine anymore,
This isn't whatever. This is You're having some kind of
(24:09):
allergic reaction, and we were like, what am I being
allergic to? My lungs started to hurt pretty bad. I
had some difficulty breathing. And then Johnny was like, oh,
you just finished the Clinda mycin and I was like,
why would I react afterwards? Right? So this is extra
confusing again because I'm like, this is the only thing
(24:30):
we could think of that I'd be allergic to all
of a sudden, and yet I had finished it more
than a day before. At this moment where we're realizing
that I'm reacting to something, oh god, Oh my god.
So he locks it up and actually, yeah, sometimes people
and so I'll just say this too, Clinda mysin has
(24:51):
actually prescribed for people who are allergic to antibiotics. So
this is how ironic this has, like seventy five layers
of irony. If you just if you a laugh, I'm fine.
My friend actually called me lovey this awesome message. You
know who you are, and he was just laughing. He
was like, I'm sorry, but like, what the fuck is
happening in your life? And I'm like, I know, dude,
(25:12):
none of this is kosher at all. So Johnny looks
it up, and yeah, it's prescribed mostly for people with
antibotic allergies, which I don't happen. I've never had because
I don't even take antabotics. And yet for some people
after the second time usually so the first round of
Clintonize and you take fine, Well, if you take another
(25:34):
round when you're done taking that round, within a day
or two, you can have a severe life threatening allergy
an a phalaxis. What how would you know that? How
would you figure that out? And you're not really supposed
to figure it out. You're supposed to like make sure
you stay breathing at any time it affects your airway
(25:56):
or whatever. You call nine one one, And I would
have done that. I would have called nine one. I'm
not opposed to it. I'm not opposed to going to
the hospital. If I need to go to the hospital,
I'll go to the hospital. At the same time, I've
been through so much shit medically that I'm like, I
already know they won't do shit and charge you like
twenty thousand dollars for it. I mean really, they'll be like, oh,
(26:16):
I'll give you an ivy of saline, which is saltwater,
which costs them like two dollars and we'll keep you
in here from honoring you. And it's gonna be sixteen
thousand dollars And you're like, well, fuck, so is it
worth sixteen thousand dollars? Right? And I and again, I
will absolutely call nine on one. I will absolutely go
to the hospital if I know that that's what I need.
But if I know that instead, what they might do
(26:37):
is go I don't know and give me nothing and
charge me a bunch of money for it and ruin
my life over it, I'm not going to go. So
you know, I had my limits. I was like, if
it gets to my airway at all, if my tongue
starts swelling, like, I'll go. But my eyes were like
blood red, my face is shold in, my throat kind
of hurt, My lungs hurt pretty bad. So a lot
of people I think would have gone, and that would
(26:58):
have been fine and not the worst move they made
because when they got there, they would have been given
steroids and the allergic reaction would have stopped probably and
further pain would have been avoided. But we were like
just figuring this out. And so yeah, after the second
dose of clintonmizin, after you've done taking it. Some people
developed this exact allergy exactly the same, just head to toe,
(27:21):
desperately itchy from the inside out. The bones themselves are itchy,
all the same things like being described. So I was like, well,
at least I'm not crazy, right, at least this actually
is what other people also sometimes series I wish no
one did. It's insane. It is enough to drive you
mad and pretty scary too, to think, you know, my
(27:42):
lungs hurt. I was like, so it was perhaps right
on the edge of not breathing. I don't know, we
always had that Inhaler. We haven't Inhaler stirred and Haaler
would have helped a bit. But finally when we realized that,
I was like, well, I have some steroids from that
first dental surgery, and so I'll take those. No need
(28:05):
to even bother with going anywhere. And so I broke
those out and I took some, and like, maybe they
helped a tiny bit, but they're pretty weak. They're not
meant for allergic response. They're meant for keeping swelling down
after a surgery. So not the best choice, not the
worst choice. Took some benadro. It's like, okay, if this
(28:25):
is allergies. I'll take benadryl. I'll take you know, these steroids,
and we'll get this under control. Very very slightly might
have helped for like a few hours. And then it
started getting worse again. The puffiness and the eyes started
growing again, the itchiness got really intent. I mean, my
body was on fire with its worst thing ever might
tattoos again. You see the shoulder bit, this covers my
(28:48):
entire back in most of my butt. It also have
one all over my right leg. So two pretty large tattoos.
The somebody who was could have traced them perfectly and
told me what they were. It doesn't even make sense.
It's a it makes no sense at all. But my
(29:10):
tattoo lines were like raised up, like emblazoned, as though
they had been drawn and fired like a wealth. So
if you were blind, you couldn't have felt all my
tattoos and told me what they were, just not what
tattoos are supposed to be like. So that was happening too,
So it was getting more intense again. It was getting
really bad again, and so finally we remember telehealth exists,
(29:31):
so we called telehealth and the lady's like, yeah, that's cool, bet,
ADL's cool. Those stereods are cool. Those are not going
to stop an antaphlexus response. And that's the first time
I sort of heard it, was like, oh, anaphylaxis. Like
She's like, yeah, if your if your tongue's even remotely
starting to swallow all, you're gonna call nine one one.
(29:52):
You're gonna get them there, like and I was like, Okay,
So now I'm taking it very seriously, not that it
wasn't obviously, but just I understand now that, yeah, it
actually is pretty bad. I think she probably was supposed
to tell me to go to the emersions hero because
my lung sturt, because my lips were swelling for the
(30:13):
first time in this entire process. Right when I was
talking to her, my lips started like swelling, but she did. Instead,
she called in this prescription for methyl prednaz alone I
think is what it's called in some other stuff for
anti itch and whatever. So we got that pretty quickly actually,
and it pretty quickly started to help. And that was
(30:35):
on Sunday, I think that was still five days ago,
and I am just now able to talk to you
for half an hour. I slept for I think like
fourteen hours the first dose of the anti itch and
anti allergy stuff I got because my body finally had
a break, and I also was on somewhat of a
downer drug wise, so I got to like crash hard,
(31:00):
actually sleep through the night without pain waking me up,
without itching making me up. It's not that the issue
had stopped, by the way, the itching has stayed intense
until yesterday. Today is that first day I have not
had an intense, deep bone itch combined with burning fire
coming out of some part of my body. So many
(31:22):
many days of pretty powerful steroids and other drugs and
still barely releasing. This allergic response is anaphylexis. It's not
anaphylectic shock. It would have become an anaphlactic shock if
it was much quicker onset, or if my tongue or
my throat what I've begun to swell. Is my understanding.
(31:43):
But the other understanding I have is that this is
now perhaps a lifelong and hopefully not I don't want
to speak into existence, but uh, I may be more
likely to have anaphlexis responses from now on for all
sorts of things. I also obviously never gonna take clin
to my sin again. But some people are saying I
(32:03):
shouldn't take any antibotics. Ending in sin, I was saying again,
I won't take any antibotics ever again unless I really
believe it's gonna kill me if I don't. And so
those things are on the list of things to keep
keep an eye on from now on out. I am
(32:26):
very glad to be alive. I also am ready annoyed
that I just took the antabotics and didn't think about it.
I'm pretty upset with myself. I also feel like I
don't even feel like I just know shit like this
happens and it has to happen, and it has to
(32:46):
happen however it happens. And there was a couple of
pretty big breakthroughs spiritually that I won't go into in
detail because they're mine and not yours, but pretty big breakthroughs,
you know, And I'll say, like, it's so interesting because
you could be very aware that you never really die,
(33:07):
and like, I know this beyond a shadow of doubt.
It's not a question. It's not a belief I have.
It's not faith I have. It's like a thing I know,
in part because I've remembered so many of my past lives.
In part because I've left this place and come back
to this body in this life multiple times. I've understood
that my consciousness doesn't have anything to do with my
body except that this is my anchor in this time
(33:30):
space reality here with you guys, And so I have
no real fear of death. At the same time, when
you're being forced to die, you feel like and you
didn't want to It's like pretty upsetting, right. I was like, well,
not now. I didn't want to die now. I mean
I did want to die like last night, Right, I
did want to die in the middle of the migraine
cramp session, but not now. So that's interesting to experience that, right,
(33:56):
grasping onto life. Nothing wrong with it. It's good to
be alive. It was also really interesting a few times
where I was able to sort of transcend the pain again,
transcend the itchiness again somehow and get into my breath
and get into like a meditative state and get into
this release of the physical, which is very, very helpful
(34:17):
when you're in those situations. It helps you get past
the wishing for a death part if you can get
into that space. And so that was another good practice
and a good reminder. But it's also like in the
middle of it, you're like why, God, like why, and
sometimes God answers and He's like, Cuz, because because you
(34:40):
said so, because you actually want this, believe it or not,
because it's actually serving you, believe it or not, and
because it's not actually even as bad as you think.
You just you know, you're in your emotions, you're in
your body, you're in your fear of whatever, and you're
in your grasping but like, actually, this is like the
best you could have gone through this, right, this is
the best you could have gone through. So you were
(35:02):
gonna have to go through this, and this is the
best you could have done it. I had the best,
best possible partner I ever could have had in all this,
which is Johnny obviously soulmate power, so amazing. This is
so helpful to have someone who just deeply loves you,
would like kill and die for you, and able to
help you through some of the most terrible things you
(35:24):
can encounter, like a fucking champ. I wish you didn't
have to. I think it's horrible. If you guys know
any caretakers, you've been caretakers, so hard, so hard to
watch people you love suffer and to still be strong
for them and be there for them. So what an
amazing gift that I have. I was like, Man, I
hope he never has to go through anything like this,
(35:45):
but I will fucking be right there for him, just
like he was for me, and hopefully I'll do nearly
as good of a job as he did. He thought
of everything. He's like, really actually the reason why I
survived this because I wasn't thinking clearly and I didn't
understand was happening. And yeah, if I actually would have
had too much more trouble breathing or something and no
(36:05):
one was here, I would have called someone, obviously. But still,
he's the reason I understood what was happening, is the
reason I figured out. He's the reason I got what
I needed. Pretty lucky, Pretty lucky. So there's that right.
At other points in my life I would not have
had that. I would have made it much harder. And
I also had just finished that blazing bright miss retreat,
(36:28):
which I could never express, but you know, I've done
the shows. You maybe listened to him, whatever, could never
express exactly what came through and what we created together,
and that amazing retreat and the energy of that, like
kept coming back to me over and over again through
this ordiale was probably part of what brought me back
into that meditative state. Was probably part of what brought
me back to that remembering that you know, when you're
(36:51):
when you're down in it and you're really attached to
the pain and the insane pain, insane itchiness and the
horrifyingly overwhelming feelings you're having, then that's really hard. But
if you can just release into that, there actually is
still the light and life and love that you can
touch it, you can feel even in that place, which
is incredible. It's actually amazing. It's like how people get
(37:14):
through some of the worst possible things. And obviously this
isn't even close to the worst possible things. Unfortunately, there's
worse things than this, and they happen to people, and
people get through those two and this is part of
how right it's because of that's connection. And so I
got that. I was still riding some of the waves
(37:37):
off that event, but I also again had so many
people who were reaching out and who are sending me love,
who are sending me yes, even money and support and
all kinds of connection, and it matters you know I
tell this story like too much now, but I remember
hearing one of the people who, one of the many
people who's had a near death experience, was in a
(37:58):
car accident. And so, as you know, versus floating out
of their body, they're looking down and they're seeing all
the people. And you can see people's energy. And you
can see it now too, if you want to practice
and try. There's auras and energy is visible if you
hone in on it, but especially when you're out of body,
like you don't have a choice, you're going to see it.
And so you see, you see this, and she sees
(38:20):
all the people who are like, oh God, accident or
oh God, like this and that, and and she sees
our energy is like not helping, it's discordant, it's not flowing,
it's it's not good. And then she sees a few
people who are like praying, who are hoping for a
good outcome, who are like, let's all get through this together,
let's all do our best. And all that energy is
(38:41):
like coalescing, is going straight to her body as she's
sitting there, floating above it and helping it to stay alive.
And that's how it felt every time any of you
sent me any kind of love. I was like, Okay,
I can do this, right, can do this? So really matters.
(39:02):
It matters that we do these things. It matters that
we come together, It matters that we did blazing brightness.
It matters that you think well of people and you
send them love and you send them while wishes, and
you can think of it as prayer if you want,
or manifestation or anything else. It doesn't matter. It's just
your heart and your mind or aligning in this gift
to somebody. Essentially, you know, I send people blessings. That's
(39:25):
one of the things I do. It's one of the
services I offer. You might feel like you don't do that,
and maybe you technically don't do exactly what I'm doing,
But when you have this prayer, you have this intention,
it's very similar. It's very very similar. Just that energy
of love actually matters, it's actually healing, it's actually uplifting.
So I got to see all of that too, and
(39:47):
I just got to also see some of more karma
that I was transforming. I got to see more ancestral
connections of what I was transforming. And I know again
and I feel like I always have to give this caveat.
You know, karma isn't a punishment. It's not like someone's
out there and they're like waiting for me to suffer
(40:09):
and if I finally suffered enough, they'll finally give up.
It's not like that. It's really is. It's what you create.
You have it now, and so you have it until
you don't have it anymore. And I created that, right.
I created that amount of suffering or worse than people.
I stood by while people suffered in that way and
didn't do anything about it. I also caused directly that
(40:30):
much suffering or more on people. I know it because
I lived it. I know it because I remember that life.
I'm sure there were more than the one I remember,
but the one I remember is enough. And so it's
not oh I deserve this, Oh bring it on like,
It's not like that. It's just that I see the
energy that I create, and I see what it is
(40:50):
to sit with it until it can dissipate right and
let go of it, so I see the transformation as well.
I talk about this a lot too. Anytime I face something,
or you face something it's exceptionally dark or difficult in
the middle of it, you usually have moments where you're like,
(41:10):
I can't do this. This is way too much pain,
way too much sensation, way too much overwhelmed. I can't
do this, and actually you can. You can. And afterwards
you look back and you're like, yeah, I did that,
But also look at what I transformed, look at what
I released, and look at what I have now, which
(41:33):
is an even deeper sense of self and even deeper
understanding of what I'm doing here, and honestly, even a
deeper sense of self love and of love for others
and of others love for me. I mean, it's like
hard to be attached to some petty bullshit when you
just face death, right, it's hard. It's a lot easier,
(41:54):
in fact, to be like, you know what, whatever, I
love you. Oh some bullshit we all had whatever? Who cares, right,
And it's like not like you just let people walk
all over you or whatever, but you just get a
little bit more real about what's real. And a lot
of shit isn't real, a lot of shit doesn't matter.
So it is a gift. It is a gift actually
(42:15):
in many ways to understand what life is and what
a gift it is, and to use it as such,
and to treat it as such while you're still here.
It's pretty cool. I also always hear my grandma, who
you know, came to me and told me to take
those antibotics in the first place. You should be cool
if she would have told me not to take them
this time. But you know, I don't blame her. It's
hard to come through to the living sometimes. Just fucking
(42:39):
with you, Grandma, But she would always say, none of
us is making out of here alive. And that's true,
none of us is making it out of here alive
for sure. Well, I would like to die a bit
more peacefully than I would have if I died this weekend.
That would be cool, I'd be I'd like to just
like die nicely in a bed in the middle of
the night or something, you know, like I'd like to
(43:00):
just that. That'd be me. I don't have to be
like horribly pain and suffering whatever like. That'd be cool.
But I'll at least take that. I enjoy life now.
I'm still glad to be here, I'm still happy to
be here. I'm not suffering at the moment anymore too much.
(43:20):
At least I think it's I think it really is done.
I think it's over, I get little bits of the
rash comes back, and actually it has been while I've
even talking, perhaps conceal a little bit on my neck.
It just kind of comes and goes, but not bad,
so that like the lightest level of itch and irritation,
and it's okay, especially compared to what it was. So,
(43:44):
you know, and again part of why I resist a
hospital and I will absolutely go if I need to,
I'm not I'm not totally posed. I think you and
I both know there's been a little too much of
forcing people to inject things that they didn't choose, a
little too much like sneaking it, even a little too
much of saying like, oh I gave it to them
that they didn't want it. That we've seen too many
(44:06):
medical professionals admitting to over the past few years for
me to really trust very many doctors or trust being
somewhere where I may be out of consciousness and people
have access to me and access to all of those
things they could inject. So you know, I would still
go if it's going to save my life, but I'm
definitely going to avoid those psychopaths at every cost possible
(44:30):
as long as I won't die, right, So there's a
boundary I have there, and I'm glad I didn't have
to cross it in order to save my life this time.
So I will also say there's some sort of stupid, stupid,
stupid shit with a third Eye carnival, which I missed
because I was an anaphylactic response to anabotics that tried
(44:54):
to kill me. I wouldn't have actually probably gone anyway,
because I was going to try to go to Nebraska
see fireflies. But that didn't happen either, So neither thing happened.
But apparently a Third I carnival down into Pueblo this
past Fourth of July weekend. It created some hubbub in
the local art community. Apparently some people went there and
(45:16):
were vending and were not quite in the alternative thinking,
free minded, sometimes anarchic, sometimes libertarian, sometimes slightly right wing,
sometimes slightly left wing community that is this alternative media
sphere and conspiracy sphere. They weren't in any of those spheres,
(45:38):
but they were somehow vending there anyway, which they were
quite rude about. From what I understand, they were like upset.
They they just were looking down their nose at everybody.
They were very judgmental, is what it sounds like from
their own statements. By the way, no one who was
there told me this. I just I just heard them
say it in their own statements afterwards. And then somebody
(45:59):
on some panel said something that they couldn't understand a joke, which, again,
if you listen to me, wouldn't have bothered you, If
you listened to Day zero, wouldn't have bothered you, you know.
But if you are I don't know. If you take
yourself so seriously you can't ask questions and you don't
understand reality very well and you don't think past what
(46:20):
the media tells you, then I guess it offends you.
And so they packed up their booths and left. They
packed up their booths and left in like the middle
of the day. And now they're on a campaign to
essentially destroy the guy who hosts it. I don't even
know Jeff that well. I just know Jeff exists. I
(46:41):
know he owns the Blowback Gallery. I know he lets
them do the Third I Carnival. He seems like a
cool guy does cool art shows there. It's a functional,
normal art gallery that also happens to do these types
of events, which is really awesome. It's really awesome if
you can provide a space for community to come together
and be together, especially if you don't censor people. It'd
(47:01):
be one thing if you literally were hosting like hate
groups who are planning to harm people and you know whatever,
Like sure, but just people who just say things that
might offend someone and you'll allow them to Like, that
is actually what life should be like. You should be
allowed to just say things, even if not everyone agrees
with them, even if some people get their feelings hurt
about it. And he does that, I think that's really awesome.
(47:25):
So I have a lot of respect for Jeff just
from those few things I know about him. And this
person's trying to destroy Jeff isn't even the one who
said anything. Jeff just hosts this event, which, by the way,
any space you could rent could also be said to
host an event. It always is implied that the host
(47:46):
of the event does not necessarily agree with the people
in the event. It's always implied, it's sometimes expressly stated
apparently for idiots like these people who don't understand the difference.
Can you imagine being that stupid? So this person now
is going to try to ruin the life of a
kind human and his business. He's worked his ass off.
(48:11):
I'm sure most businesses are not any other way, worked
his ass off, to have worked his ass off to
support people in the community, worked his ass off to
give people this. We don't even know if he agrees
with any of the third I carnival stuff, any of
the conspiracy stuff. We have no idea because it doesn't
matter and it's not the point. The point is it's
(48:32):
his business and he was not the one who did anything,
and these people are now actively trying to destroy him.
And unfortunately, because they're women with tits, they get some
sort of benefit and people give them some sort of
I don't know, some sort of clout, some sort of support.
(48:52):
I mean really like that. It's not that they're actually righteous,
it's not that their point is good. Is that they're
offended women, and because they have boobs, people are like,
I'm going to defend them too because I might get laid.
It's really how the world is, unfortunately, It's really how
the world is. Unfortunately. It's actually unfortunately how the art
(49:14):
world is. I'm not even in it. I just see it.
You probably see it too, Like dudes are painting and
they're not like whipping their dick out, but women are
painting and they're in like bras and like, you know,
tiny little weird overalls that are just like barely covering
their nipples, and like, I'm like, so this is porn
that you're calling it art. It's very obvious what you're
(49:36):
selling and it's not your art. And these people seem
like that to me. And you can go see for
yourself and see all there are parts of themselves with
their art and see if you think the same. And
maybe it's cool. Maybe I love it when women use
their kids to sell art and destroy galleries, but I don't.
(50:00):
I think it's lazy. I think it's weak. I think
it's meant to unfortunately, it's like emotionally dysregulated, and it's
meant to fill some holes that should have been filled
in childhood by loving parents but weren't. And this is unfortunately,
how people act when they don't have themselves healed. Like
(50:21):
I want attention. I want to be made to seem righteous.
I want people to look at me and say, oh wow,
look at her, look at what she's doing.
Speaker 2 (50:28):
Go girl.
Speaker 1 (50:31):
They desperately need it, in fact, and they might not
have ever even been slightly offended, but they saw their
opportunity to get a shitload of attention and to feel
like a really good, special person who's different from others.
Do you know who wants to feel special and different
from others? It's a developmental stage. It's usually around the
ages of eleven to fifteen or so, that's when it happens.
(50:55):
And unfortunately, the vast majority of adults have never left
that stage, and so they're still there, still trying to
feel special and different and trying to fill a hole
their parents didn't fill that can't be filled. Actually, by
any of this, you might end up successfully destroying Jeff
and his business for no reason at all, and you
(51:17):
will still feel like a pointless, empty piece of shit
that you are, and nothing will have changed. Said sucks.
It's really sad actually for people who are stuck in
this loop to be cool. We can hope that that
person has some sort of conscience, some sort of heart
(51:37):
awareness that dawns on them that it isn't actually cool
to destroy someone in their business because you don't have
a brain or a sense of humor, or the ability
to ask questions or think for yourself. That would be cool.
We can hope for that. In the meantime, we can
call out bullshit when we see it, and we can
have better standards for ourselves than others, and we can
(51:59):
hope that everybody gets a little bit more emotionally. Well,
it's exhausting. It's exhausting. So that apparently happened when I
wasn't at the Third Eye Festival, and I'm getting exhausted.
I'm gonna go now. I was gonna tell you about
sat Cherry's full moon, but I think you can figure
it out yourself if you go to masteringthsodiac dot com.
Than commenting has not lots of good stuff on it. Yeah,
(52:24):
I don't have a nice typebo to put on this
for you, really, but I am again glad. I'm glad
to be here. I'm glad that I'm alive. I am
glad that I will hopefully get better and better from
here on out. I uh am not feeling good still.
I hope to feel much much better. I am much
much better, just not good enough. I'm not anywhere near normal,
(52:47):
and I hope to go beyond normal and thrive even
more than ever before. I really appreciate your support. Again.
The best way to support me is to go to
substack rogueways dot subset and become a subscriber there. Paid
subscriber is the best way to support the show and
get free good yummy perks like channel messages on subsac
(53:12):
you can also subscribe there for free. I would appreciate
having you there even if you don't become a paid subscriber.
There's lots of free content as well. And the other
way is to go to roagueways dot org to the shop.
There's a donate option in the shop as an actual
as though you were purching purchasing an item. There's also
other donate options below wherever you're watching or listening to this.
And also if you just want to send a nice
(53:34):
message of support and love, I'll take that too as
worth a lot to me. So thank you all so
much for being here and for being you. And until
next time, travel well and for balance and always look
inside first. Wow do those screens.
Speaker 2 (53:59):
It's a lot to talk like you fighting amongst each
other all over the rumors that don't like you with
crom has cropped the melancholy with the wood Wanz of Hollies,
adjustions out of pick the Rights of Camel flaws of folly,
but took the mental dobbery execute a top relye hypocricy.
Speaker 1 (54:13):
It is back to ree and
Speaker 2 (54:14):
Back to top with me with the hands up to
touch the acasta because you know, deep down is something
bigger than your wallet.
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